Not As We Planned - 57. What A Mistake I Made

Episode Date: September 26, 2024

Tash talks about Blake’s diagnosis, having your partner stop you going ahead with your planned ivf, having your ex breadcrumb you and the ultimate betrayal right under your nose!! Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties.

My last thing I have! Sorry, are you just trying to deafen me? I don't know what you're trying to say. Hola, hola! Can you imagine if they like, exit saying like, oh god this is the Spanish version, like they're French. I love that. That's all I got really.

Okay, fine. Ciao. Buongiorno. Hi. Hi. All right, mate. You're all right, love. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode.

Let's have a little catch up. Small catch up. Do you know what? I had, Steele didn't start school till Tuesday and Milo goes to his childminder on Monday. So we had a mommy and Theo day. Oh thank you, I love mom. I really feel like because we've had time apart this summer

and like last week he was away with his dad. He really craves proper time with me. So sometimes I'll do it like even in an evening we'll pretend we're all going to bed and put Milo to bed first and then he stays time with me. So sometimes I'll do it like even in an evening we'll pretend we're all going to bed and put Milo to bed first and then he stays up with me and we'll just spend a bit of time like building Lego or something and but we got a whole day and that's why I basically said to him we could do literally whatever you want. He wanted to go into London and we went to Leicester Square, we did the Lego store, I let him pick a bit of Lego.

We did the M&M's store, and then we went to Inimo, which is a restaurant in London. I think there's a couple of ranch in London, and the tables are interactive, and you play games and stuff, so it was really nice. It was quite a nice room for adults as well, so it's just served, and you just play it. So we loved that, we did ice cream,

and then he found a photo booth picture in my room, and he's like, mommy, I'd really like to do that with you. So the photo booth that I got that done in last time, we went there and it had been removed. I was like, fuck, but you know what you're like when you're a mommy, like I will make this happen. Find a photo, so I'm like Googling everything. We ended up going to like the Hoxton in Holborn

and we got our photos done here. That's cute. And then the whole way home, he kept being like, Mommy, this is my favourite day ever. So you love when they say stuff like that. Mine's funny though, is when I've done something so irrelevant and Blake is like, this is the best day of my life. And it was like an iPad. Yeah, literally. I think it was the day when we like stayed in, he had his iPad and then I might have got them an ice cream. He was like, this is the best day of my life. Actually, he said to me, mommy, do you know what my favourite part of today was? And I

was thinking like, what part of it? He was like, just holding your hand all day. And I was like, oh my God, you're just divine. But yeah, it was really nice. I think I needed it as much as he did. Yeah. And it was really lovely I also forgot how easy it is to have one time my bottles you'd have is it them on I was like Oh and as well because I still take the pram out with my like it's just long day. It's just too much and Not having the pram like it was when I went into London with I was like why I felt like I was going out with Just a mate. Yeah, it was just really chill. Yeah, so that was really good. Cute, nice. So I actually had some news over the holidays about Blake. I mentioned it maybe like a few months ago

that I was getting him assessed for ADHD and autism. And I got my diagnosis so quick, but we did go privately in the end and it has been confirmed that he has ADHD and autism. So it was, I feel like anyone listening who has a child with, you know, additional needs, I think will really understand that it's a real like bittersweet feeling when you get that diagnosis because I'm obviously really, I do feel like knowledge is power with these things and the more I learn about what he's access to things, absolutely no less things. And at the same time it did make me sad. I did like have like a proper cry when I found out. I think it's

just like, I don't know, a mix found out. I think it's just like, I don't know, a mix of emotions. I think sometimes then I look back and think about maybe ways that I sometimes not handled myself well with his behavior, realizing that he's not being naughty or badly behaved. He can't help it. And I sometimes sort of like then really put that guilt on myself and I'm like, I handled that in a bad way or I haven't been sensitive enough to that. And then I think it's also that relief of, okay, he hasn't been behaving that way

because of something like a divorce. Yeah. Well, do you know what I mean? He is, and also a diagnosis doesn't define your child. He is the same child and amazing boy that he was five minutes before I found out that stuff. But so now it's kind of just processing it all, having a meeting with the school, going through things that I'm going to need to like put in place to help support him.

But yeah, I know, it was quite an emotional afternoon when I found it all out, but I'm so fine with it. He's an amazing boy. His mind is just, it blows my mind, the things that he comes out with and the way his mind works. And I'm fine with that. I think, I think like anyone, I sometimes like really worry how other children are gonna be with him. Yeah, it's like the world's quack for all. Yeah, he has his quirks. Like he doesn't really understand like spatial awareness

so that he gets really close in people's faces when he's like excited, he'll be like talking to them. And sometimes I'm like, Blake, remember, like try and keep a bit of a distance. Some people don't like you really close up. And I just like, Blake, remember, try and keep a bit of a distance. Some people don't like you really close up. It just breaks my heart thinking that all I need is one child to be nasty to him and I'll want to kill them because he's so sensitive. But yeah, so it's just now, I guess it's another journey or something that I need to adapt with.

I called his dad and told him, and it was literally like I told him that, I'm trying to think of an example that I forgot to go to at Tesco. Like no emotion, no, like, look, and it would be this way whether I was with him still or not. There was, no, like, look, and it would be this way whether I was with him still or not, there was just no...

Anything. Yeah, he just didn't see, I think he was like, oh, okay, so we put in him a medication. I don't think he even knows, I don't think he's educated enough in himself to, like, you know, see, I kind of, since I was looking at getting him diagnosed, like, assess, I've been doing a lot of reading and looking at different accounts to try and, like, give myself a bit

more knowledge on it. I think that he's not, in a horrible way, not supportive or saying anything. I just think he's so clueless. I think he literally just thinks, I just got and told him like, he got an A in maths. Like, you know, it was like, okay. And we haven't spoken about it since. So yeah, it's something that I'm gonna obviously have to manage and like speak to the school about and I will probably be different. You'll be the one to have to update, yeah.

And I'm fine with that. Like, I would have been- Would give you the most control. Yeah, so yeah that's really my update other than that nothing else plodding along living life and And still got neckache Anyway, anyway, should we dive into an email Heartbreak cancer gene Gene and Young Work Colleagues. Heartbreak.

Hi Tess and Carly, I recently started listening to your podcast and have to say, it's really helped me with my current situation and made me realize that I'm not alone. My story is quite long, so please bear with me. Six months ago, my partner of 10 years and the father of my two beautiful daughters left me. It was a shock to say the least. Although we'd had a tough year I never thought he would leave

me or his girls and that we would work through everything that life threw at us. How wrong I was. Last year was probably the hardest year of my life. Me, my mum and my two sisters found out that we carry the... the brachygein. It's funny, I'd literally just got in the post. Your thing, yeah. To test. Which increases the risk of breast and ovarian cancer quite significantly. Over the course of the year we all underwent preventative surgery in the form of double mastectomies and a partial hysterectomy.

The partial hysterectomy meant that I went into surgical menopause at 37 and would be unable to conceive any more children. I had made the decision that I didn't want any more, but having this choice taken away from me was hard. I can really understand why. This to the fact that I may have passed the gene on to my four and five-year-old daughters. My sisters and mother going through the worst year of their lives and you can only imagine what was going through my head. Following my mom's partial hysterectomy, we found out that she had ovarian cancer

and that she needed chemotherapy and a full hysterectomy. This was devastating for us as my family are very close and she is the head of my family. My mom finished her chemotherapy just before Christmas and we managed to have a lovely Christmas with all the family. It was amazing and me and my partner felt closer than ever, also, I thought. Then he left, saying he didn't love me anymore. I stupidly begged and pleaded with him to

stay and that we would work through it. But he just kept saying he didn't want to try. I allowed him to have the girls at what was our house as he was staying with his mum. I would go out so he could spend time with the girls, telling them was the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm so proud of myself for holding it together for them when inside I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I told my ex this in a long message and he never replied. The mother of his children was saying she wanted to die and he didn't reply. We rented a house as we couldn't afford a deposit on a mortgage and when he left he bought a house three months later. So it had

obviously been secretly stashing money away whilst we were together. I'm still- Yeah, he's just putting himself first, isn't it? I'm still living in the house with my daughters but I'm unsure how long I'll be able to stay as I had to give up my job due to the horrendous panic attacks and severe depression which I had never suffered before. I was in such a bad place, the thought that I couldn't give my girls a two-parent family and keep their family together broke me. The next part of my story nearly finished me off.

Every day before picking the girls up from school or nursery, I would park at the school and walk to the local shops. My ex knew this. This one particular day about three months after he'd left, I was walking through the shopping centre as normal to see my ex and a young girl walking towards me holding hands. I cannot even imagine that feeling, how that must feel. I instantly recognized her as one of his work colleagues. Another one. Literally just. I followed them into the baker's and he brought her lunch.

They looked extremely comfortable with each other for a new relationship. I spoke to them and she couldn't even look at me. I left, had the biggest panic attack. So bad but I had to get my mum to pick up my daughters. I was hysterical and to make it even worse I had asked him two days before if he was seeing someone and he told me he wasn't. This thing shocks me. Like literally like like yeah okay, ask a man something, it's probably a lie. No, not all men, but... It's clear to me now that he had been planning this for a long time, had left his family

for a 25 year old work colleague. Not an easy pill to swallow. I had to put up with so much shit from him over the years due to his abandonment issues and low self-esteem. I was always there for him and did everything I could to support him through tough times. I hit rock bottom but still managed to get up and be there for my girls. They saved me and don't have a clue. If it wasn't for them, I would have ended it long ago. Struggling with my mental health is something that's new to me, but with medication and therapy I'm in a much better place. Not quite there yet but things are looking up. I love listening to all your stories and the listeners. It's really helped me to recognise that although I feel alone, I'm not. Thank you ladies. It makes me so sad when you hear how people wanting

to end their life and a lot of that is because of a result of someone's behaviour towards them. And so someone that doesn't actually seem to give a fucking shit like the fact that he ignored her message. Like... But do you know what, like as a even like an ex-partner, would you not be really concerned with that and be like, as well, it's the mother of your children as well. I never ever understand and I know I've said it before, it's good that you don't understand it because it means that you'd never be that way. It's when the person that has done wrong

doesn't still hold a care. Yeah, it's like, yeah. Or anything for the person that they've hurt. Like, I can understand. And then they've all like tried. Yeah, to be like, I don't care about him anymore, he's dead to me. But it's the way that like, I don't care about him anymore, he's dead to me. But it's the way that like, she never did anything to him.

She's the mother of his kids. However much you may have fallen out of love with her, anything, how can you still not hold some sort of care for them to at least want them to be okay? And like, that is one of the things that I think I'll never ever. I think it happens quite a lot in relationships. Like someone will be the one who's done wrong and then they'll hold on to this anger. And I think it's almost that anger like they've been caught or I don't know, but like,

I don't even know what they're like how can he how can you not care how I know I know I don't I don't like it but I know I know I really do you know what I would love not that this would ever happen I would love to hear from a person I'd love to hit like understand from them like what you know someone that's you, obviously we had that email in from that ex-husband and he massively like held accountability, so he wouldn't be one of those people, he really still cared about her, but I would love to hear from someone and obviously not ever going to openly write and be like, oh, I cheated on my wife and now I like literally don't give a shit about her because to be honest, I only think about myself. Like, I just, I would love to know what goes through their mind to allow them

to think it's acceptable and okay to treat another person like that, that they've spent their life with, that they've shared love and had children. And look, you're doing the right things. You've obviously gone to the doctor, you're on medication, you're seeing a therapist, like good for you. You're really doing the work, you're thinking about yourself and your children only. Like we have said and it's

no different, like he is not going to be an amazing partner to this other woman. Might be for a bit, you know, that honeymoon period, like showing your best version of yourself, but if he's capable of doing that to someone like you, then he's going to be capable of doing it to someone else. And you've just got to take each day, do right for you and your children. And if you ever want to find someone else, you now know what you don't want, what you do want,

what you'll put up with, what you won't. And you'll find someone that values the person that you are and it's his loss. And it's the same with all these situations and it's frustrating. Makes me wanna bash their head against the wall and be like, hello, do you have any fucking humanity in you? So it just baffles me, it really does.

That's one thing I'll never ever understand. I don't want to, but yeah, anyway. Okay, this is called Divorce Two Days Before Embryo Transfer. Hi ladies, I got in touch with you over a year ago because I was struggling in my marriage. This month we started IVF after having four years of no success, this was the joint decision. On Friday I had my egg collection,

which also happened to fall on our wedding anniversary. Not a word was said on the way to the clinic, but he sent me a text with his sample part saying he's excited to meet his baby. After the procedure, they discharged me and I got straight into the car. The car journey was difficult as I was in pain, but he had got me flowers and pastries to cheer me up.

Arriving home, I went straight into the house. So you didn't go with her? You did, by the sounds of it. Once he was through the door. No, I did. Oh, he started, fuck you, you're ungrateful. This is fucking bullshit. He wants a divorce and doesn't love me and doesn't like me.

Wait, go back, go back, go back. From what to what? I don't know. No, I don't think he went with. Think about it. Not a word was said on the way to the clinic, but he sent me a text with his sample part saying he's excited. Why did he send her a text?

Was there in the car? She never said that. She said on Friday I had my egg collection. After the they look back at it? After the procedure they discharged me and I got straight into the car. The car journey was difficult as I was in pain, but he had got me flowers and pastries to cheer me up. Arriving home I went straight into the house. No, so if she got-

Once he was through the door. Yeah, I think they were together. Okay. So everything was fine. Everything was fine. But she was uncomfortable in the car. And then as he got through the door, fuck you, you're ungrateful. This is fucking bullshit. He wants a divorce. He doesn't love me and doesn't like me. I said nothing. I picked up my bag and

walked back to the car. He's throwing the flowers on the ground and trampled on them. Sorry, is he five? What the fuck? I drove to my mum's and received a message to say that if I transplant our embryos I'm breaking the law because he doesn't want them. I'm so confused what's happened. I'm hormonal because of the medication but this is something I can't get my head around. Neither can we babe and I'm not fucking hormonal. Where do I go from here? How do I rebuild my life? I have no job, nowhere to stay, but I can't go back. Please tell me this gets better.

I haven't replied because I'm still in too much shock. So she sent this to us. She hasn't replied to him yet. I need more. What the? I can't understand what's triggered him to be like, there must be someone else and he's been given an ultimatum or something. There is no way that he has gone with his wife. I'm so confused. This is erratic, like, thathit crazy behaviour. I'm sorry it is. Like, also, like, can we

just, like, any kind of human who has any kind of empathy, your wife has just gone through. I think we can, I think we can agree that these people are in- Oh. that these people are in the light. Oh, I did say. I have no words. I'd like to- I really, yeah, no, I'd really like an update because that was actually emailed on the 25th of August. As you never replied. So if you were hearing this,

please can you let us know what's happened? Look, I mean. Yeah. I don't even have any words right now. I'm surely... Oh, so that was for the egg collection. Yeah, you can't... You can't use an embryo without both the permission... The...

That's really sad. After having four years of no success, please email us again and give us a bit of an update because we can sit here and we can give you the advice. I'm sure you're aware of it. You know, you said, how are you going to rebuild your life? You've got no job, nowhere to stay, but you can't go back. The thing is, I want to know if you have gone back because you're married, you're entitled to that house as much as he is.

So I'm speechless a bit, to be honest. You're married, you're entitled to that house as much as he is, so... I'm speechless a bit, to be honest. Are you not? Can you imagine going through something like that and just... and having that, like, sitting in the car and then that happening? It's like things got a slightly different behaviour. Who tramples on flowers on the floor? I'm picturing like a little kid, like, stamping on the floor. You're sorry when a dumpster.

Poor flowers. Okay. Confused. Hi, I just started listening to your podcast and feel like it's really helping me. I've been split from my daughter's father since April and it's been a roller coaster. I believe he is narcissistic and didn't treat me very well in our relationship. He had a drug problem and would leave me and my daughter at home and not speak to me for days and then return and somehow blame me. I'm blaming you because I was so fucked on drugs I couldn't find the front door. Honestly this

n- I adored him and put up with way too much in the end and it was actually him who left me. He very quickly got into a new relationship with someone from the circle of friends he was hanging around with, however he came back to me on two occasions claiming he wanted his family back but then went back to her. He moved away but didn't tell me and it was with her. I found out from someone as they were on their way there. He visited briefly a few weeks ago and when he came around to see our daughter he was making flirty comments and saying, oh you still love me and comments like wow look how well you're doing, you're going to the gym, the house is all cosy, the fridge

is full, why couldn't it have been like this when we were together? Because I'm obviously thriving without you, hun. He then said he wasn't going back to where he moved and he was going to move back. Anyway, he never did, he went back. We've been getting on for our daughter's sake. He FaceTimes her daily and I know I need to be in contact with him for our daughter's sake but honestly I'm finding it so difficult to move on. He often calls just to talk about how difficult things going on in his life are, even slight his new girlfriend. Uhhh, the ick.

They've had very eruptive arguments and when she's drunk she often hits him and he claims she's the most insane person he's been with and only gets like that when oh she's the most insane person he's been with and only gets like that when, oh, she's the most sane person he's been with and only gets like that when she's drunk. Honestly, it sounds like they're destined for each other, to be honest. He said he's not bothered about me not wanting her around my daughter, but he misses his daughter and it hurts him seeing families together. He said to me yesterday on the phone, something about me wanting him back and I said, I couldn't think of anything worse. And he said, oh oh wow, you couldn't think of anything worse than being with your baby's father. That's the stab in the heart.

I don't know if I'm reading too much into it, but I feel like he's really messing with my emotions. He's breadcrumbing you. He doesn't want you to move on. He's got this hold over you. He wants to go and do what he wants and make sure like you're still pointing after him in some way. He wants his ego straight.

He wants to feel like, God, she wants me. She's not having me. Like, please be calm. I've got to be honest. You need to set some serious boundaries and doesn't sound like you've set any. You shouldn't be having conversations with him to understand things about his girlfriend.

That should have- Just talking about your time. Yeah, I also don't think that FaceTime on a daily basis is necessary. He's got to realize that that's the consequences of cheating and being a pig, that he doesn't get to see his daughter every day. There needs to be some boundaries in place because they don't actually think you're helping yourself.

And he is using that weakness of yours to stay really present and share far too much with you. So I think the first thing you need to do is come to some sort of arrangement with your daughter. Yeah. When he sees her or speaks to her, whatever it is that you're comfortable with, and then you need to set some very, very firm boundaries with yourself and let him know that moving forward you are only to talk about the children.

Can I just say, like, anyone looking for help in how to articulate things like this to your co-parent, I cannot recommend enough following Legally Nicky. Legally Nicky, she's she started doing things in her stories and it's like what you want to say and how to articulate it like via an email or something like that and it's a really rich, she has a brilliant account, but for things like dealing with co-parents who are hard to work with, she is brilliant for finding ways of articulating things. I've really taken a lot from her account. So follow that. She's brilliant just for all co-parenting things really. She's like a legal professional as well. It's all very legit. So highly recommend that. But yeah, it's the boundaries 100%. And also like once you're fully decided, you don't want to be back with him. So

what you need to say in those situations is, I don't think that's a necessary conversation we need to have anymore. I'm here to discuss our child and that is literally it. And that's what it needs to be. But yeah, you will move on. And I think once you've got those boundaries in place, once you feel a bit more in control of the situation, you're not allowing him to intrude

into those like emotions personally. And you've made that very clear. I think that's when you'll allow yourself to move on like you do you start focusing on yourself try and do the proper work on healing and then eventually if and when the time comes you want to meet someone like that'll be another load of boundaries that you'll have to set and you will meet someone who will treat you with respect because this month that was like an absolute waste of space. That's the thing. I think that sometimes we do need to take that accountability and realise that sometimes the communication that we have with the co-parent, there are ways that you're allowing those

conversations to happen. And I can understand sometimes you wanting that because you're feeling like you're still connecting with him and he's confiding in you in certain ways, but he is breadcrumbing you and I don't think it's going to allow you to move on. So be kinder to yourself. So very empowering when you take that control. Yeah. You start setting those boundaries. Yeah.

He's going to be like... And don't be surprised if once you've set those boundaries, he really, really tries to push on them because he will like... It will also look like you're moving on and healing, and he will try and push down those boundaries. And you've got to take some responsibility and realise if you want to feel better and move on, you've got connections. Turn on possibilities. There are hundreds of programs and services available at the Y. See what you can achieve at ymcagta.org. This will be the day!

Okay, this is called advice needed urgently. Sorry, am I being a bit up-puzzled? Sorry, I can't just happen to let you nap. Sorry, gone through a bit of a sleep regression recently. Okay, hey girls, just want to firstly say that since I found your podcast, I've not stopped listening. I related to so many of the topics and think that you guys are doing an amazing job at helping a lot of people. Thank you. I'm hoping that you guys can get a chance to read this out and hopefully give some advice because I'm currently just in a loop of feeling good and then going backwards.

So this is probably going to be a long one so I'm sorry in advance. I know you keep saying everyone says The Hisp but I generally feel like this is a novel but I hope that doesn't stop you reading it because I really really could do with your guys advice right now. I'm here for a novel. It's all good. So I'm currently six months down the line after my separation from my son's father and we were together for four years minus a week. So after two years of being together, me and my partner decided that it was the right time for us to start trying for a baby.

We'd been together four years prior to this relationship for eight months and we rekindled four years later and both agreed that it was the case of the right person wrong time and that since the first time we had both grown a lot and we were so ready to be together forever. So we started trying for a baby and actually fell pregnant from what turns out to be the first time we tried. After I came off contraception, we were both super excited. Fast forward nine months, I gave birth to our amazing son and we were both so happy and ready to start this new chapter of our life. About four months down the line I started to really struggle mentally with being a mum and all the new emotions that come with that. We were also struggling financially with the rental prices so we decided to move in with my parents and actually start building our own house. Once we moved in with my parents we were paying really cheap rent with them.

They live in a really tiny town in the middle of nowhere and my partner and my dad were building what was going to be our first home. Fast forward to the beginning of 2024, we had just previously gone on holiday together without the baby and I really thought that it was important that we had some one-on-one time as we never got to do a baby move. I found that with our relationship there wasn't much intimacy and there wasn't much love or affection or any of that type of thing. Looking back now, I wasn't really happy in the relationship. I actually spoke to him on November 23 about potentially splitting up as I was not happy and didn't see myself marrying him. His response to this was to tell me that I would be a terrible mother if I set up our family and he would never do that to our son. I felt horrible and was basically guilt tripped into staying. He also went behind my back and told my parents what

I said and made me look like a horrible person to them and they were not happy with me. I hate when they get other people involved. But her parents? Like yeah. Fucking prick. Also, not being funny, my parents would back me. Yeah, they'd be like okay if you if you're not happy, that's fine. Yeah.

From this point, I have to say, I went down a slippery slope of starting to drink a bit too much. I was not present all the time in the relationship, and I have to say, I really struggled mentally. I went into a dark hole, probably in the worst place I'd been in my life in a long time. I now know that I was struggling with postpartum depression, and I did have suspions about it and with my history I was at a very high risk for it. My partner would always tell me that it was wrong of me to blame it on something and that that's just how I am and I need to fix it. So I started working on myself. I didn't have many friends in the little town that we were in so I went onto a mum's Facebook page and actually met a girl who seemed to be in a similar situation to me. She had a baby that was two months younger than mine. She was with a partner

she wasn't really happy with. She was struggling being a mum and didn't have many friends around either. We instantly clicked and we were speaking on messenger for about four months before we actually met. When we did meet, it was like we were made to be friends. We had so much in common. We were related to each other on so many levels. I thought this was one friendship that was going to be a long-term one. I have a really bad feeling about that. Oh God, me too. Oh no, it's giving me anxiety. After about two or three times of us hanging out, I really wanted to introduce her to my partner because he is the complete opposite of me. He's an extrovert. He gets on with

anyone and I really wanted her to meet my son as well. So I introduced them all. After that, every time I would go and see her, my partner would always want to come along. Bloody hell. I didn't think anything of it at the time. I was just kind of grateful that I had a partner that got on with my friend and a friend that got on with my partner. Yeah, got on. Got it on. We were hanging out pretty much every day from that point. She would bad mouth her partner a lot. She made me feel really bad for her and her relationship and I would always encourage my partner

to help her out with her baby when she needed it while I was looking after Oz. What a mistake I made. This isn't your mistake. It's not your mistake. Anyone should be able to be put in a situation with another human who may be the opposite sex and not fuck them. Every time she would hang out with me and my partner, I'd always expressed how happy I was that we could all hang out together and I didn't have to worry about leaving them two alone.

And it would be an awkward and it wouldn't be awkward or even anything happening. I trusted them both immensely. She would come round to our house and even hang out with my parents who really loved her and we met her parents who really liked us as well. I would. I'd always talk to her about how grateful I am for the father of my children and how he is an amazing dad, how he helps me out so much. I would even confide in her about how I thought I wasn't good enough as a mum and wasn't doing enough. Fast forward a few weeks and her parents needed some work doing at her house so I encouraged her to ask my dad who is a builder to go and do it so he

started working there for a week. My partner really wanted to help my dad so he could go after his job around to her parents house to help my dad out with the work. I wasn't too keen on the idea because I missed my partner when he was at work and it just made his work days even longer, but I knew my dad really needed the help so I was happy for him to do this. After a couple of days of them working there I found out that she had broken up with her partner and was moving back in with her parents. Oh, fuck. This is like a fucking, it would make a good novel to be fair. I found out through my parents she didn't tell me.

And I later found out she even told my partner before she told me. I felt so bad for her because I couldn't imagine being a single mom and not having my partner there to help me. So after a while I dropped off a big care package for her, sent her a big long message telling her how amazing she was and how grateful I was that I met her. A couple of days later, I wanted to go around to see her, but I told my partner that he didn't have to come as he was at work the next day.

He was adamant that he wanted to come, so we went around and we all hung out. The next day, I got a text from my partner saying that her and her mum had said that they want me to leave the house because there's too much going on and they were too stressed. I thought it was a bit weird considering he was coming back around in the afternoon to finish the work. So I was going to go home with him but instead she dropped me home and just had to sit and wait at home in line while they all hung out at her house. Only a couple

of days later, I woke up to do the night feed for our baby boy. I had this weird feeling in my stomach for some reason. Enjoy, which I now know was my gut feeling, telling me what I needed to find out. So I checked my partner's phone and I saw a text message to her explaining that he had spoken to my parents

and that they agreed that he needs to talk to me. And it was up to me whether he stayed living in our house or if he had to move out. This was at 2am in the morning. I'm not very good at sitting and thinking about situations when I find out things. I'm very impulsive and I need to know answers. So I ran to my parents' room, woke them up and asked them what this was all about. They said that the night before he had sat them down and told me that he wanted to leave me and he wasn't happy anymore.

Why are you telling the parents? Why did the parents not tell her? What? No, what? My dad had a weird suspicion that there was something else going on so he looked him dead in the eyes and asked if this had anything to do with a new girl, with this new girl. He looked my father in the eyes and said, no, I'm just not happy.

There was no other text messages, just this one and it had kisses at the end, which I thought was a bit suspicious. My parents encouraged me to wait until the next day to bring it up to him and asked what was going on. I couldn't wait so I went back into the bedroom and woke him up and asked him what was going on. He told me that they had actually been speaking for about a week and they just got each other and they were helping each other through similar situations and they were just good friends. He had told me he wanted to leave me and my heart just dropped and I felt physically sick. I couldn't shake the urge that there was more to the story than what he was telling me. I kept asking him if anything had happened between

the two of them and he kept saying no and telling me that he would never cheat. He got up and left the house at 2am leaving me with an 11 month old baby a week before his birthday. I had no idea where he was going as he had no car. He didn't know many people around but he was adamant he wanted to leave. I stayed awake all night going through every single thought. My head was racing. The next morning I called and called him and he wouldn't answer his phone. I kept texting asking him to come back to talk to me and he refused. He said that he would come back later and that we didn't need to talk about anything. I then messaged the girl asking

for her to return some stuff of mine. I didn't tell her I knew anything but she started getting a bit catty with me. I said that I was being rude to her and that this was all my fault because I forced them to be friends. I didn't really know what she was talking about, but I knew there was something more to the story. So I went onto his MacBook because I knew that they were sending iMessage, but all the texts had been deleted. I opened his Messenger app on his laptop and found what it looked like about two weeks worth in conversation, sending kisses, calling each other cute nicknames,

talking about how they were going to cuddle on the sofa, let's be together, even bad-mouthing me. He admitted in the text that he lied to my parents, even spoke about that they're going to get the story straight because they didn't want to be caught out in their lies. This was when I realized all my suspicions were right. They would tell each other when the partner had gone to bed so that they can text. He would go and sit in the toilet for what felt like hours, which I now know is because he was texting her. I relate to this so much, the toilet thing. Oh, chart. This is intense. I called him up and told him I knew everything

and he seemed shocked at how I did. I told him I saw all the messages. So I asked him again and told him to stop lying to me. He then told me that they actually did kiss about a week ago and that he was adamant that he didn't cheat. He said this was all my fault because I was such a letdown of a mother and he had done and fucking hell and

he had to do everything for a kid so he never came home after that he had arranged a new house to live in and that was it for us he didn't have the balls to come and have a conversation with me to explain exactly what had happened and why straight after this we had arranged some sort of agreement for him to see our son I found out that he was living with her and her child. I thought it was a bit too soon for him to introduce her to our kid. But his argument was that because I'd already introduced her to our kid, because we were friends, I had no leg to stand on and she was always going to be in his life anyway. But what I was trying to get at was that she was never going to be in our son's life as his dad's new partner. And I just think that's very disrespectful.

Looking back on our relationship, he was very toxic. He knew about my eating disorder. He knew about my addiction problems and he failed to get me help or even talk to people like my parents about how they can help me. He enabled me to turn into this horrible person that he perceived me to be. And he never really helped lift me up. He would always drag me down. I always thought

that because we had already been together once that we were destined to be together since we found a way back to each other. I can really understand that because there's something so special and romantic about that, you know, it's that fairy tale of like, oh, we didn't work out and then we grew up and found ourselves and we're back together, this must be fate, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Since we found a way back to each other, but now looking back,

I think I should have just had the willpower to accept that because we didn't work out the first time. It was never gonna happen this time. They're now playing happy families with the two of them and her son. They see my son once every four days for a couple of hours. And I'm just really struggling to come to terms with accepting that she is going to be in his life. I think she's an absolutely horrible

person. I don't think she has any morals. She definitely has no respect and I don't really want her to be around any child. However, legally I have no leg to stand on and I just really like some advice on how I can cope with this and cope with them to doing their own thing. I'd also like some advice on how to deal with the guilt that I regret him. I regret being with him but I do not regret our son for one second. I think he is my guardian angel. He was made to be with me and he's lifted me up so much, made me feel like such a better person that doesn't help me fight the fact that I really wish I'd never got back with his dad in the first place. I really appreciate any help that you guys can give me. I think you guys are doing amazing jobs and I really respect your guys advice and opinions.

I think I just want to touch on that last bit about the guilt of feeling that regret because that's something I really resonate with. I think when someone's hurt you that much you don't look back and be like, I wish I'd never met them. I wish this, I wish that. But what you need to focus on is all the things you've learned from it. And you might still be too early to be able to physically do that yet, but I promise as time goes on and as you begin your healing journey,

you're going to be able to look back and you're going to be like, these are the things I learned from that relationship. I no longer look back at my relationship or my marriage with regret because again, like you, I have two beautiful boys out of it and without them, God, they're the same. I believe they're my little guardian angels. They're the things that pulled me through my darkest days. But I am so glad I know what I know now. I feel like I've gone through an enormous amount of growth mentally, spiritually. I just feel like I've really matured the last

year because I've had some hard lessons to learn. It's taken a lot for me to get to where I am, but I can't look back and regret it because actually if I haven't gone through any of those things I wouldn't be where I am now. And where I am now is a really nice place. So even though you're not going to be in that really positive headspace now, just know that how you're feeling A is normal, but B you're going to get to a point where you can look back and reflect on your relationship and be like, I'm actually really glad I went through all those things because here's what I know now.

Here's what I absolutely will not tolerate again. Here's what I'm looking for. And it is really eye opening to know that you're so much more clued up, switched on, and you still got the rest of your life ahead of you, and you know you're not going to make those same mistakes again. In regards to your story, there's not a lot of things in this world that make me feel speechless, but I am a little bit speechless. I'm so sorry you've been put through that. I'm so sorry there's been so much deceit and lies and her and I can't imagine, you know, it's not just losing your husband or

your partner, your best friend, but like having it also be with a friend who you considered like really valuable, like you mentioned like you saw her being your life forever. I can't imagine. her being your life forever, I can't imagine. Yeah, it's a very, very hard pill to swallow. And I think that the longer you hold on to that kind of like guilt or regret or anything, the longer it's gonna take you to move forward. I think you just need to really take it as like, this has happened and you need to find that acceptance

that like nothing can change the past, but you can learn things moving forward and one of the things that sort of stood out to me and I don't want to this is going to be a bit controversial so apologies but you know when you say um hold on was it about the he didn't help you with the An I knew it, yeah. You sound quite angry with him about him not helping you with your addictions and your eating disorders and things like that. I'm not sitting here and giving him any... what's the word I'm looking for? Excuse, validation. Yeah, any of that. I'm not sitting here saying that how he has treated you and what he's done is acceptable because it is not. But one thing I will say is that anyone that has addiction problems, mental health problems,

you can't really rely on someone else to help you with that. And then, and maybe this has happened and within this, you need to learn that like they are your demons. Yeah, and something that you need to work on. And I think that maybe that's something now that you need to concentrate on moving forward and really work on those on your own. Don't rely on someone else to help you with them.

Don't get me wrong, you should have a partner that supports you with it and doesn't maybe enable you to, I don't know how to explain it. You don't wanna have someone that enables those bad traits or behaviors, but at the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own actions. And I don't actually think it's his responsibility to help you with your addictions. I think that is your responsibility. And I don't want you to think that when...

I understand what you're saying. I do think it's her responsibility, but I do think also as a partner, like... You want someone to support you, and he should have, but that person shouldn't be responsible. No, they're not responsible for it, but, but like, I would want to be with a partner who would express concern to my parents if I wasn't, like, I'd want someone to try and help me. Absolutely, he should have absolutely tried and helped,

supported you, been there for you. But I've always said, like, there are two people in a relationship and even though he has done all the wrong and he's done the cheating and this, that and the other, I always think that you need to also take accountability. Not you, anyone. There's things that I needed to take accountability for with my 17 year relationship that I allowed it to go on for so long because I didn't have any self-worth or self-love and I allowed things to happen that I should have never allowed.

That was the accountability that I needed to take. That relationship went on for far too long because I allowed it to. I won't do that again. So I think that one thing I really want you to take on from that is that you shouldn't be carrying any guilt or regret, but another thing is to take some accountability of like, these are my issues that I now wanna work on.

And I want them. And I'm gonna go work with them on my own while he probably carries on repeating history with the next person. So I hope you haven't taken any offense to what I'm saying. Nothing that has happened to you, you deserve. Absolutely not. But I want you to take from that,

to take that accountability and do the things that you can do to help yourself because you don't need someone else to help you with that. I think the thing that's gonna help you move on the most is just accepting that people are going to do what they want to do. Your feelings won't matter to them. You can't change someone else's behavior.

And the sooner you get on board with, this is what it is. I need to now just do the best for my child. That's when it doesn't become easier. But I think once you make that acceptance to yourself, it is what it is. You know, acceptance is the last part of the grief cycle of moving on and stuff, it is hard to accept. But even just maybe trying to let go of the regret

is that initial part that will help you. You've just got, you've said it, your child is your guardian angel, I promise you, they'll pull you through it all and you're gonna be so much stronger than you realize. And at the end of the day, you've said it a million times before, you can't control someone else, you can't control their behaviors or what they're doing. You can only do the best by your child when they're with you in your time and that's what you've got to do.

Yeah, thank you for sending it in. Do a confession of the week. Psycho moment. I saw him in the car with a girl I had suspected he was cheating with and drove into the car. What? His car came off way worse than mine. Oh my god. That is, that takes balls. Yeah. I mean, one for cars. You know. That's hilarious. Right, let's have an affirmation. Go on. I feel like I want it to be,

I cannot control what other people do, but I will always make sure that I do the best by me and take accountability for what I can change. I like that. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening guys. We love you. The more shares the better for us. It really really helps us. We are back and we are bigger than ever. And make sure you go and join Patreon if you haven't

already because you're missing out. Bye. See ya.