Not As We Planned - 58. I Fell In Love With My Friends Husband

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

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Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. I thought a hi-am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello. Hello. I'm so conscious I'll say hello now. Sorry. Hello. Hello. Good day. How are you? Hello everyone. Hi. Hi guys. How are you babe? I'm alright. It's freezing. I'm over it. I don't get these people who are like, autumn's my season. I know autumn is my season. Fuck off.

Like, I've got fucking Raynards already. What the fuck is that? Like, I have really bad circulation in my fingers and they go literally white and they're so cold. I used to get it when I was a PT teacher outside. I do agree. I have warmies in my pockets. I don't get it. I'll bring me the sun any day. No, for me, I think my favourite is like 15, 20 degrees, crisp air, sun's out. That's not what autumn is. It's been raining.

Sunglasses on, jumpers are... Yeah, I like a cold sunny day, but that's not the reality of autumn. And I think people are romanticising it and it's annoying me. Well I'd rather romanticise it and be happy about it than miserable. But I haven't been happy about it because it's just been pouring with bloody rain. Yeah no I don't like the rain, but we get pouring rain at the fucking silver. That's true. I just love autumn wardrobe.

That for me, I'm not like, yeah I'm buzzing it's cold, it's like I'm buzzing I can wear a jumper. Do you know what, I'm just not ready for it. I was holding on to a little bit. It's meant to be warm next week. Warmer. It's not like- 22. We'll see, we'll see.

Oh, I don't know. Yeah, Carly's down in the darkness. I really find the mood, like the weather impacts my mood. So it's not great going into winter. And also I'm very hormonal today. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I just feel a bit. Meh. Meh. not great going into winter. I know I'm very hormonal today. Oh yeah. Yeah. I just feel a bit... Meh.

Meh. Meh. I'm due on my period. Yeah. So are we in sync with our periods or something? When are you due? Like Friday. I'm due like Sunday.

Oh, that's fast. When are you... So you have a period for a period. Anyway, catch a gift chat. Catch up. What's new? I've had quite a challenging week with Blake. I shared it on my stories, just generally his, well, I actually shared his diagnosis, but I think I did on there.

You should think about it, yeah. It's just, I think sometimes eye-opening when he suddenly has one of his, like, I don't want to call it an episode because that's not nice, but he wouldn't put his shoes on. It was just a really tough morning when it's like, you can't force a child to wear shoes if they don't want to. And then I've got the other two, Ivy getting upset that she's going to be late for school. It's just hard and I shared it and just was blown away with the messages I got and how much people resonated and how it just really made them feel like they weren't on their own which I guess is what we like doing.

We're our content and everything that we do anyway. So yeah, that's been hard but yeah, just sort of trying to get back into routine now. Rome started nursery but only mornings next week it's full-time. That's gonna be a game changer. And he just loves it. It's so sweet he's like running in like really happy he knows loads of people which is so lovely. He's got some of his closest friends with him so yeah so next week for me I feel like that's when like I can really. That's crazy. I've still got my love at home with me for two years because it's a September baby.

Oh God, yeah. Look, I was dreading it, the thought of him doing five full days and he's not done it yet so I do think there's going to be times where I really miss that one-on-one time with him. I've really made the most of it this week in the afternoons. So I do think there's going to be times where I really miss that one-on-one time with him. I've really made the most of it this week in the afternoons. But I think now I just want to crack on and really do more for me work-wise. So yeah, other than that, I don't have anything else to report about you.

Nothing massive really. I had my first slow weekend in forever. Was it needed? Yeah, well we'd planned to go away and then we'd left it and the fights just went extortionate and we were like, we're not doing it. We'll just have like, there's one of these weekends where we didn't leave the house, only went out for date night on the same night and like, there were no, it was just so nice. I think you also get like really close on weekends like that. And it was just, yeah, really nice weekend.

And then kind of a bit of a weird one yesterday, I had like this meeting at Theo's school, just like meet his new year one teacher and stuff. And at the end, she was like, oh, if anyone wants to speak to me, like I'm here. So I thought I'll just go over and let her know like Theo's home situation, like his parents are separated, divorce still going on. Because he does, he

is a very sensitive child and he does come out with things sometimes. I just want to know people are aware. And as I was saying to her, I should like burst out crying. And I think it just threw me because I don't know where that's like crying with you. I think sometimes you just don't know that the emotions are like there. And then there were still like other parents in the room. And I know, you know when you're feeling like you need to stop crying but then it's like more and my eyes were literally like pouring. So I'm going like this trying not to stop. Like it just really threw me and she was so amazing.

She was like, I've been there. It was really nice. She was just brilliant. I really respected the way she handled it because I was just crying. Can you imagine the tears? I don't know, I'm just watching. But yeah, it was just really nice. I think it's really important to know like the

place your children are spending most of their time. People know kind of what's going on at home and you know, I do worry about him because he is like incredibly sensitive, incredibly in tune with emotions. And even if I'm putting on a brave face sometimes. I know him so well and he knows and I just want an extra eye kept on him. But yeah, I think sometimes things catch you off guard. I got in the car and I was like, just touch. Do you know what was really funny? The day that I was really upset about Blake, I went out for lunch with my friend and I was sitting in the restaurant and a woman came up to me and she went, I just want to say, I follow you and I think you're amazing. And I burst out crying. And then I've got this stranger

giving me a hug in the middle of a restaurant. My friend's just sitting there like, and then she turned to my friend and went, you have a lovely friend. She's like, thank you. But she was really, really sweet. I think sometimes, it just make me think that like, where I am at the moment, like in my journey of things, I feel like in a really good place. I'm very content. I'm very, I've been very reflective. I feel like I've done a lot of the work. I feel like I've healed a lot and I don't feel a lot of sadness towards the situation. I think that's why I was like, what the fuck, what is going on right now?

And I think sometimes it is just, you know what it is? I think I'm pretty sure in Theo's cast, like he is the only child who comes from a family where their parents aren't together. And I know it's all in my head, but sometimes I feel like, I don't know, like a bit of a failure. Like, I can't explain it. You don't need to explain it.

I really understand. I feel this now. No, like, good. Like, is someone judging me, like, for making the wrong choice as to who I had kids with? Or like, am I judging myself that I had kids with the wrong person? Wrong person. It's not because my kids wouldn't be my kids if I didn't, but I just feel like sometimes, particularly when you're so aware that no one else is in that position in a certain group of people, you're thinking, where did

I go so wrong? Yeah. Can I say one thing? And I'm not for a second sitting here slating other people, because I agree with you, there's no one else in the kids class. But just because they're together doesn't mean they're having a... I agree. No, I know that. And you know, if anything, like we could look at us and be like, actually, like they may be looking at us being like, wow, like she's fucking brave. Like she's less. And she walked away.

Over the years, they'll sadly, they may be... They'll go through it. Statistically. Yeah. It's a possibility. Not to. So I'm hoping they'll feel like they can approach who go through it. Specifically. Yeah. It's a possibility. So I'm hoping they'll feel like they can approach me and they've got someone. You approach me. Yeah.

So yeah, anyway, it was just, I don't know, it was, I think it's where it just caught me off guard. Like I've been so, I'm so confident in my situation now. We've been going after it for like 18 months. This is my situation. I've made peace with it. I've made peace with we're not a typical, it's not typical, it's not even the right way, we're not a two parent, two kid family, whatever you want to call it. I've made peace with that because I genuinely believe my kids are really happy at the moment and I believe I'm happy, I believe their dad's happy and whatever you want to call it. I've made peace with that because I genuinely believe my kids are really happy at the moment and I believe I'm happy, I believe their dad's happy and

that is only positive for the children. I've made peace with that and I think it just caught me off guard. Yeah. And the car was like, honey, are you okay? I don't know. I just, yeah. I understand that. It feels funny all the way. That's the way I explained that I felt the day after I bumped into my ex remember I was like I felt really good I was really proud of myself and then the next day I kept crying and I was like I don't

get it what's not crying yeah again but I was like I don't get it my emotions aren't matching how I said I felt so am I lying to myself I was in the car really conflicting driving to get Milo from Nerfing I had tears streaming down my face and they were saying, Mummy, are you crying? I'm like, the sun's making my eyes water. Sometimes I just think maybe it's a way of just emotions coming out. And maybe it's a way to go out. Yeah, I don't think it needs to be too deep of a reason as to why. I don't know, I overthink stuff a lot and probably no one else is looking at me thinking, oh my gosh, she's the only separated separated parent. Like that is in my head.

That's why I'm insecure. But I just, I don't know, when I look at my child, I feel like I feel so bad that I wasn't able to give it to you. But actually what I've given him now is so much better than me just staying for marriage. Like marriage doesn't define you. No, no, absolutely.

Anyway, sorry about that. Before we delve into emails, I just wanted to remind people that anyone that is emailing in, we may have already read your email out on Patreon. So if you have emailed in and you're waiting to hear your story, make sure you do go and join Patreon because we may have already shared it. Also, please guys share us on your stories.

Stories? Stories! On our stories, on your stories. Like us, subscribe. Like the reviews, we need some more reviews on Apple that would be amazing. Guys like just share it with your friends. We love hearing like my friend told us about your podcast and that is the way we're going to grow and we want to reach more people and you know, we want to help.

Do you know what, I think even like we get so many messages with people saying to us how your podcast has made me not feel alone, I feel really seen and heard. Like so many people go through becoming a single parent, having to deal with heartbreak while I say hi. Hope you're having a time with someone you're healing from. Absolutely. And you feel so lonely going through it. We've spoken before, you feel like the only person in the world going through it. It's hard to...

And you don't see that light at the end of the tunnel. And I feel like, unfortunately, it happens more often than we realise, even like seeing what happened with Molly May and Tommy, obviously we don't know the situation, but they are now separated, becoming single parents, like it's, I don't know, I just feel like unfortunately, but realistically, this happens so much and if we can reach more people and help those people not feel alone, that is the aim of the podcast. People writing in saying just listening to you has pulled me through this like knowing I'm not alone or people writing in saying God I wish I'd found your podcast.

Just knowing this can be like a bit of a lifeline a bit of a comfort to people who are going through something that is incredibly difficult. Share. Share it. Share it. So the other week we read out an email or something and then I think we got onto the subject of swinging and we are- We're not here saying we tried it. And we asked for someone to email in about swinging and we got an email. It delivered. Okay. So it stood out the minute I got it. I was like, yes. And we got an email. It delivered. Okay, so it stood out the minute I got it.

I was like, yes. I saw that come up. I haven't read it. I've been excited to read it. So this is called a bit of swinging, hot wifeing, adultery and growing. What's hot wifeing? Let's skoogle it.

The idea of hot wifeing comes from the concept of a husband showing off and sharing his hot wife. The non-monogamous arrangement is related to cuckolding fetish. What's that? It's like where they watch... What's that? What's it called? Cuckolding.

Cuckolding? Many, but not all, husbands in such relationships refer to themselves as cuckolds or hotwifers. So it's where they... This is so weird. A married woman has sexual relations with other men with the husband's approval, usually while the husband watches or joins. So I was actually talking about this last night and it just blows my mind that there are men out there that are okay with watching their wife get fucked by someone else. I think there's just the whole world of people out there.

Yeah, I mean, each to their own, but I'd be green with envy. Yeah. Wild. I would never want to share that. Also, like, even say I was with someone who wanted to share me, because of my values, I'd feel like I was doing something wrong, even if it was wrong. No, no, but it's like, do you know what? It's not even about feeling like I was doing something wrong.

I'd feel like an object, like go fuck him or what. Like, I don't know, like I feel, I feel disrespected. Yeah, I'd want them to be like, no, I just am. I want them. I would rather someone be possessive and jealous than the other. I feel like there's one end of the spectrum which is controlling and jealous and too much.

The other is like, go fuck him, I'll watch. I'd rather like, but if there was a middle, I'd rather be more that way than being more overly jealous than like, yeah, I'd quite like you to go and get fit. Yeah, I guess to some extent, it makes you feel like they wouldn't care. Like, I was like, yeah. Well, that was my...

I mean, it's not something I've actually thought. That was my ex-husband. I feel like he didn't care. I'm not saying what to him to get with other people, but I feel like he never showed any ounce of jealousy. Maybe that, maybe without me even knowing, he had some, nah, I don't think so. My ex-husband wasn't jealous then.

I know, neither. Sometimes I think I try to make him jealous. There was never situations, but it was never like, I never ever tried to make him jealous. It wasn't like a toxic thing like that. It just, I was very much like, I was so loyal to the man. Like I used to feel guilty if someone flirted with me and I'd tell him because I'd feel guilty. That's exactly how it was like. I remember we went on our first like girls weekend away. Since I'd had kids, we went to Barcelona and we were around the pool.

And this guy came up to me and was like, what's the guy like me got to do to get a girl like you? And I was like, I'm married. And I just ran off. And like, that's a guy like me got to do to get a girl like you? And I was like, I'm married. And I just ran off and like, that's me. Like I have, I'm not, I'm not someone that can entertain somebody. Yeah, yeah, cool. That's just where my values stand.

But even the fact he approached me, I told my ex-husband because I felt guilty, which is weird because I hadn't done anything. No, but I'll do the same. But that's, I don't know. I just, I'm, I'm, I just. I feel like there's a scale isn't there of jealousy, lack of jealousy, wanting you to go and get fucked by someone else. It's wild. Let's dig in. Okay. I saw your recent post. I thought I'd write in with my story. Sorry, it's a really long, it's

really long. Feel free to cut it down if you can. I've been waiting to write this for a long time. Okay. My partner and I have been together for 13 years and I have a daughter together. Over our time together, we have had many ups and downs from financial worries to having to make my heartbreaking decision for my mental health of having an abortion after my coil came out

and I didn't know. We had a very good sex life and liked to try new things. Dressing up, we regularly used toys, etc. A couple of years ago, my boyfriend suggested we try a bit of swinging. I wasn't so sure at first, but to understand it a bit, we joined a swinging website. It's called Fab Swingers. If you want to have a laugh and see some truly shocking sites go and have a look, should we quickly go on there? Not on my phone. I'll do it later. So you fill out your profile details, including what you were looking for,

add some saucy pictures, and then you get chatting to people. Oh my God, I'm sorry, not that I would ever do this. But you had market research. Can you imagine doing it on like using your ex's photos? I hate the idea of like putting pictures of yourself somewhere. Oh god, I think for market research we might need to try and find a way of doing that. Put myself in the same place.

No, we can use like fake photos find a way of doing that. I'll do it myself. Then we can use fake photos, no? Anyway. It's your pictures. No. Okay. The obvious gossip website is like, oh my God, that test is on a single-sex website. After speaking, meeting single men and a few couples for a drink initially, my boyfriend expressed he was more keen on us meeting with

another couple. However, I did not want to because I couldn't think of anything worse than seeing him with another woman. This was something I wasn't willing to compromise on and while he knew, while I knew he wanted to try other things, I said I'd be open to a MMF. We know this. Male, male, female. I'm sure you girls can figure this one out. Only because Carly got asked it on a dating call. That was traumatic. I would do MMF. Hang on.

Oh, that thought. Would you actually? If I were to ever have a threesome, I would only ever do MMF. Because for me, like she says, I would never want the person that I'm with, with another woman, I don't like sharing, and it must be a fucking experience and a half

to have two men on you at once. I would never do it with someone who I saw a future with, or had potential with, or had feelings for. Do you know what, I think it's one of those things, you know, sometimes people say that you have a fantasy, but you'll never live it out. I wouldn't call it a fantasy but the thought of it I think sounds pretty epic. Can you imagine like this is obviously me painting a really unrealistic picture because this would never happen. Yeah, you've got to think about like realistic men as well. That's the thing.

Yeah, I'm literally picturing like I'm out on holiday out with some girlfriends and then these two gorgeous men are like what all over yeah. That's scaccumates. I'm just saying like. What they come up to you and go. I'm just saying no because if they did I'd be like ick. I'm chicken you're not talk. I'd be like, I can understand what she's saying. If I ever had to have a threesome, I would rather it with two guys, them not touching each other at all, just all on me. No comment? I'm not going to say it in. You prude. Okay, right. So we went down the hot wiping route, which my boyfriend absolutely loved. He would chat to a bloke about me, send pics. We'd have a chat between the three of us.

And once we had okayed the person, I'd meet them for a couple of dates and then end up sleeping with them. So he didn't go, hold on. We would even meet the three of us and have some fun or I would meet them on my own. If I went on my own, I would film it for my boyfriend, which he loved, especially the meet with the black guy, I know you want to know and yes he was huge. This is brilliant. I'm actually still processing it because it's like... I understand that because that was his fetish. I thought it would be that he would always have to be there.

The fact that sheep can go out without him, I don't know. I feel like I was cheating. The meets would happen maybe once or twice a month at a push, they were with regular two guys. During our time of experimenting, we got married, which was just the perfect day spent with all our friends and family. That I find wild, don't you?

This is amazing, I'm having so much fun right now. A few weeks later, my new husband had been to the gym and there was an issue, an issue which normally would have hugely pissed him off, but it didn't, which I found very odd at the time. A week or so later, he was an absolute mess and said he had to tell me something. He said that he had felt annoyed that he wasn't able to do what he wanted to do when it came to our alternative sex life. I was pissed off that I was having it all on my way, which absolutely was not the case. I would have quite happily kept with sex

with just being for us, but trying to be a good partner, I listened to his needs sexually. I said I wanted to try some other things, what I was and wasn't happy to do. I think if you're experimenting outside of just you two, boundaries must be absolutely vital and surely you'd have to respect that. Yeah, he then admitted that the night he went to the gym,

he had cheated on me at a docking hotspot. He was a mess crying saying he was sorry. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm really confused. I thought, is docking really just go and watch people have sex? Well, I guess maybe, no, I think, oh my God, this is all...

Oh look at my search history. Can't be out for all day. Dogging. Oh okay. What is it? I think maybe they watch and then they come to the... So dogging is British English slang term for engaging in sexual acts in a public or semi-public place or watching others doing it. So you can either be a doggah or like you're even doing it or you're watching it. So maybe he was doing it.

No, maybe he obviously went and watching that someone came to him. That's a bad thing. Okay. I decided to forgive him and work through the things but now in reflection I think I buried the cheating because he was such a mess I supported him through it. He was mortified of what he had done to me and as a result he was off work and he was never sick and wanted to end his life. Because of this I never expressed how much it hurt me, how I struggled with sex now, not feeling enough and how I can't look at our wedding pictures because it makes me so very sad.

To add a little more into this, I've discovered a lot about myself recently. I'm a massive people pleaser and highly sensitive person. I've never spoken up for myself due to old trauma that I'm working through. I've allowed things to happen in our relationship such as subtle gas sighting, talking to me like crap, always criticising me, never resolving arguments, often walking on eggshells due to his moody and reactive behaviour, all of which I've held in my body for years and as a result I'm mentally exhausted and suffer a lot with anxiety. I'm now doing

the work, going to see a therapist, setting the boundaries and not accepting shit behaviour which he is finding hard, as you can imagine it's causing a lot of friction between us. I feel like I am growing and he is stuck in old patterns, which are no longer serving me and they are making me feel unwell. That's the thing, isn't it? I think when you're in a relationship and one is really starting to find themselves growing and improving and the other one is staying still, that's when you grow apart. You either have to grow together or it doesn't work.

For me, it is make or break and I've expressed this to him. He's going to therapy at long last and we are going together but I'm worried the damage has been done and things can't be changed. After reading the book Attach and there is others and listening to a fantastic podcast about relationships with Stephen Bartlett, which was truly insightful, I'm not sure he is the right person for me. Any advice is greatly welcomed. Sorry for the long email. The thing is, I feel like it's hard for me to completely give an opinion because what you've explained

and the sort of stuff you've gone through, I can't relate in any way. So at the end of the day, cheating is cheating. I think as well, like that's where, I think on paper or like talking about like a fantasy like that, I think there's a very big difference between talking about something like that and that materializing. And I think a lot of people perhaps make the mistake of trying to bring a fantasy to reality and not actually mentally, emotionally

being able to handle the reality. And I think you that like, no one knows how they would actually react in that situation until they're in it. I think particularly a lot of men probably have this idea like, this is what I want. And I think when they're in that situation, it's like, oh shit. Like it I want and I think when they're in that situation it's like oh shit like it's and I think as well like just listen to what you wrote there and

saying you're a people pleaser it does sound like you did all this because you knew that's what he wanted and you wanted to be able to give him something and fulfill that in some way and I just think it like for me it highlights like no matter what you do it's not gonna be enough and at the end of the day we should never compromise on our own beliefs, our own values and where we feel comfortable. Like at the end of the day if you're with the right person they will respect you and your boundaries and they won't resent you for not changing those boundaries and those goalposts to suit them.

They need to respect you and I think mutual respect in a relationship is so, so important. I think like the fundamentals of a relationship are, well I want you to be happy, but if that's at the detriment to like something you don't want to do or something that makes you feel... Do you know what I think? Look, obviously part of this I can slightly relate to. I understand. You can see very easily where this went wrong. He had a fantasy. She wasn't completely comfortable with it. Met him halfway. And at first it was really exciting for him. But then he felt like actually she's like she's getting to fuck other people. He really wanted to as well. He wasn't. And

maybe out of some sort of resentment. So I'm not for a second justifying what he did, but you can see very easily what happened. That's why I just think it makes sense. And I think it's that risk. It is that risk of not keeping the fantasy just a fantasy. And once you live it out- Keeping a relationship between two people, I think it gets complicated. Look, I think it obviously works for some people, but with this situation, they weren't actually really on the same page.

Do you know what, even that podcast I listened to where they had the swingers, like- By the way, was it that- Fist is in the City. Oh, fine, no, because I saw, do you follow, you won't follow her because you're not on TikTok, the Mormons in America, and they all were swinging. I started watching.

That woman, she ended up cheating her husband with one of the guys. Yes, she brought feelings for someone she were swinging it. I started watching. That woman, she ended up cheating her husband with one of the guys. Yeah, she brought feelings to someone she was swinging with. This is where it's dangerous, and I think particularly women do catch feelings when they have sex with people. It's a chemical thing.

Or the man cannot hack his fantasy being lived out. He gets paranoid, he gets jealous, he gets insecure. I believe- He goes and acts out. There is a reason for monogamy. I think it becomes messy when more people are involved. Do you know what, I think as humans as well, it's so hard to regulate your own emotions and recognize your own feelings and stuff like that.

And relationships can be hard enough anyway, like navigating life and starting to let alone being other people involved. I mean, that was so interesting. Guys, if anyone is listening to this and you have more swingers, like sex parties, anything, I find it fascinating. I do want to say though, like, she wanted some advice and it does sound like you're doing the work to reflect. I just think, like, I think soon you'll know if you carry on doing the right work, you won't need our advice.

You're gonna know whether it's something that can be worked on or not. And like we've always said, that takes two people. If you are willing to do the work and work on it but he is not bringing enough to the table, you'll know at what point you'll either have that light bulb moment where you're like, this isn't enough for me,

or he might have a light bulb moment and be like I'm about to lose her as long as you're open with your communication And you let him know like this is where I stand This is what I need from you if he cannot deliver you don't feel like you're right Keep us updated though, please because wanna know guys for I've got some really good emails. Why go on this subject You might hate me after the C-mail. Oh, okay. Hate's a strong word, let's go. Actually, on the word hate, I just wanted to share something.

So I was chatting with Legally Nick, she's on Instagram, go and follow her, just about something going on in my personal life. We had a really interesting conversation about the word hate and in reference to like ex-partners and things like that, she was like, you don't hate him. Hate's very close to love. She's like, try using the word pity and just see how that makes you feel. And honestly, it's changed quite a lot for me.

Really? Terminology, I think we often think it's a hate thing. It's not. And yeah, just anyone listening, try and turn that word in your head when you get that feeling of fucking hate you so much. Try and turn that and be like, I pity him. I don't know. It just was interesting perspective. I can understand that where we're at now, but if you find out that someone's just cheated on you. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Oh on you. Oh absolutely hate them.

Yeah that is hate. Yeah. Yeah that fucking hurts. But you've got to go higher. Yeah yeah yeah. Yeah but no that's interesting I like that. Anyway you might hate me after this email. Hi girls I love you girls in the pod you've really helped me try and process some of my

emotions over the last year. Think about my actions and also consider the future for both myself, my husband and my kids. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for three and we have children together. Two years ago I made friends with a girl and her husband and then something happened which I'm not proud of. I fell in love with my friend's husband. It's giving me goosebumps. We fell in love with each other. He left the marriage and has now moved on with another man and is having a baby. No, she left the marriage.

Fine. I was like, what? There's just like a twist of what's going on here. Like, sorry, I think she's just missed out the Fs. I mean, I just read the next line so it makes sense. It's funny how one letter can change everything. She left the marriage and has now moved on with another man and is having a baby. I'm so happy for her but we are no longer friends as I think she noticed I was friendly with

her ex and didn't like that we would sometimes meet with the kids for play dates. Totally fair enough and I would do the same in her position. Oh, so she didn't know it was because. So she left the marriage. Do you think that because she said because she was friendly with her ex, do you think that they were having a say while they were married? I don't know. Can I read the story? Yeah, sorry. The issue now is that I'm still in my marriage. I have expressed. I don't know, can I want to get hurt whilst I'm still with another man. Understandable. So hold on, he doesn't know. Her husband doesn't know. This makes me feel quite uncomfortable.

He has shown quite a few red flags, seems a little narcissistic but I also get where he was coming from in a way. This is not a normal situation. I think he's completely within his right to shut you off if you've not left your marriage. But why would she leave her marriage if he doesn't know? No, no, no, no, no, this is the man she's in love with. Sorry, I'm confused. The man she's falling in love with, so the friend's ex-husband has now shut her off. I'm sorry. Because he doesn't want to get hurt whilst

she's with another man. Sorry, can you go back a bit? Because now I'm seeing, sorry, I thought the whole time she was talking about her husband. No, so the husband doesn't know. Yeah. Okay, let me get you out of speed. Yeah. She has told her husband she's not attracted to him anymore, doesn't love him, but she doesn't wanna be brutal. I mean, that's quite brutal, but yeah. The man she's in love with has now completely shut her off

because he knows she hasn't left her husband, doesn't wanna get hurt, which I think that... Fair. She's think that she's saying that he has shown quite a few red... Oh, the other guy. ...and seems a bit narcissistic, but also get where he's coming from. I understand. This is not a normal situation.

I understand. He has seemed like a different man over the last year and has dated other women. I mean, as well, like the fact you've not left for him. He can't just wait around, can he? Absolutely not. And he's no longer married. I know what I've done is wrong. I feel like an awful person. I know I'm not a bad person, but I have done bad things and I just want to do the right thing now. My husband deserves love, but I just can't give him that. I don't want to leave and for it to be a huge mistake. This email probably makes no sense, but I'm just very lost right

now and needed to share this. I would love your advice about what to do as I can only speak to one of my friends about this. Financially, it would be really tough for me to leave and devastating for our families who would be very shocked, but I don't want to spend my life with someone I'm no longer in love with and deserves better. What do you think? Can I say one thing that's quite interesting is you're at the moment with him, but it doesn't sound like you want to leave him for the other guy. You actually just don't want to be with him. And that's one thing that is really standing out to me. I would be really like not convincing you, but I think it would be more of a shame if you wanted to leave for a guy that you also feel like is showing like red flags

and this, that and the other. Like it sounds like you seem independent enough to leave the marriage not for another guy because I don't think by the sounds of it, having a relationship with the person that you are having an affair with, I don't think that that would be a happily ever after. At the end of the day,

when I think when a relationship does start from infidelity, I think that it's quite rare, it does happen, but I think it is quite rare for that to be a successful relationship because you're starting with a real lack of trust because you've both not been faithful. You're right, your husband does deserve better. You're not in love with him.

Yeah, it might be a financial struggle, but I think you know deep down that you should end that marriage and I don't think it should be for that other guy. I think it should be for you and for your ex-husband to find happiness elsewhere. Thoughts? Then just try not to be really mean.

Well, she put the title, just give it. I... look, the fact that you're as far as in love with someone else, even though you're not thinking about leaving for him, but the fact you've said you're in love, it takes time to allow yourself to fall in love with someone else. So for me, that's you making a conscious decision every day to connect with him, to see him, to meet him, to build that bond that you don't just meet someone and you're in love and that's that. So for me, I find, I'm so sorry if this sounds brutal, but there's a conscious decision each day where you're disrespecting the man

you married, the man you had children with. And I don't know, I guess being on the receiving end of some of those things, like being told you're not attracted to them anymore, being told you're not in love with them anymore, all those things are quite damaging to someone. And I think if I was to put myself in your husband's shoes, he must be feeling pretty shit in himself at the moment anyway, like having those things told. And I just think he probably deserves the respect of being told. I know if it was the other way around and that had been going on for me, I would want to know what had happened. Yes, it's really hard. It's devastating. But I

think there comes a point where you owe him that like you married the man, you were in love with him at some point. Sorry, it does make me incredibly uncomfortable and I think obviously I can resonate with it being the other way around to some degree. She knows she's done wrong and I think you know that you've got to- I think you've made your bed and you have to lay in it. Yeah, I think that he deserves to be with someone that really appreciates him and loves him. I'm kind of saying everyone deserves to be loved properly, everyone deserves to be with someone that really appreciates him and loves him. Everyone deserves to be loved properly, everyone deserves to be respected

and if you've said it yourself, you don't believe you're the person who can do that, then set him free. And set yourself free. Don't stay just because you think it's best for the kids or it's better financially. Of course, two is always a better thing to do. But I think you know what you need to do. It's not fair to continue doing that. Like, and like, how long is that gonna go on for? That's really not fair. You see, you're not happy.

No. You're not happy. So I think you leaving will eventually. And well done for writing it, because that must have taken bloody balls. Yeah, I agree. Except ownership of it, because I think a lot of people could go the other way

and be really defensive towards their decision. Yeah, I just think that, I think you know deep down that- Well that's why you wrote in. Yeah, you making that move to end things might be hard for both of you in the first, like initially, but eventually it will make both of you happier, I think. A billion percent. This one's called In Shock, Advice Needed. Hi, I've been listening to your podcast from the beginning

as I follow you both on socials and love a good mum podcast. At the time, I could have never have imagined I'd be writing in with my own story. I even relayed some of the stories to my partner for him to agree that some men are arseholes and how could anyone do these things? Oh, no, shit. Today, my partner for him to agree that some men are arseholes and how could anyone do these things? Oh no, shit. Today, my partner of nine years told me

he had met someone else. I just got goosebumps. Yeah, I know, my tummy just went funny. We have a three-year-old little boy and I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second boy. What? He said it's been going on a couple of months, the girl is 23 and you guessed it, they met

at work. Another one. What makes this horrible situation worse is that I lost my mum in April and so this was either going on while she was dying or right after. What a fucking prick. My mum loved him and was comforted by the belief that her daughter had a good partner. Over the last couple of months, I've known in my gut that something wasn't right.

I asked what was wrong, were we okay? Was his mental health okay? Only to be told every time was fine. And that me constantly asking was what was putting him in a bad mood? Fucking gaslighting prick. I wanted to believe him, probably partly because I'm pregnant.

I really convinced myself that I was just being hormonal. I hear so many stories of amazing, strong women on your podcast. I so badly want to be strong too, but I just don't feel it. I feel that everything has been taken from me at once. I never want my children to feel that, that this negativity affected their lives.

I want to be the best mum I can be and feel that my life from this time last year is unrecognizable. I'd really appreciate some advice on where you start doing the work. How do I become okay with this? How do I accept that a 23-year-old who played a part in destroying my family will at some point be around my children? Where do I start? How can I ever trust anyone again? How do I get the best version of myself at the most vulnerable time of my life? I cannot believe that this has happened. I feel I'd be judged so much

at being a single pregnant mom. Any and all the advice would be greatly appreciated. I love your podcast, which now has a whole new meaning to me. Thank you. I just wanna say firstly, didn't you say she found out today? Yeah. Like you're not meant to be strong right you. I just want to say firstly, didn't you say she found out today? Yeah.

Like, you're not meant to be strong right now. You're meant to feel everything. Feel angry, feel sad, feel heartbroken. It's really, really important to sit with how you're feeling and allow it. Allow your emotions. Right now, you're not going to have any answers. It's going to look scary. It's going to look scary. It's going to be frightening. It's literally, it's not just new information. It's like what we've spoken about. It's like how you imagine your future was going to be is suddenly all stripped from you because we all dream and we all have an idea of what we want our future to look like. When you're with someone, you've got children with them, you can't ever foresee it being any different.

And also, can I just point out, she said like, how will I ever like, get used to the thought of this 23 year old like me to my kids? Please, so early and in the thick of it, please take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time. if you ever find yourself starting to worry about something that hasn't happened yet, try and stop yourself and be like, no, no, no, that's not happening all the day. Because it may never happen. You don't know if this relationship is going to last. So try your best not to give yourself anxiety and worry about something that one, you have no control over, two may not happen and you shouldn't need to worry about the same thing twice. So I remember whenever I used to think about something that didn't

even exist, I'd be like, Tash, no, no, no, no. Just worry about what you're fucking having for lunch, like literally hour by hour. And that is what I want you to take from us reading your email today. It is so raw. And you can feel those things. So it's a day at a time. That's all I want you to do for now. A day at a time. An hour by an hour. Yeah and I remember in the early days I could even do a day at a time. Yeah don't don't torture yourself thinking about things that haven't happened yet. So hour by hour, feel the feels, try and keep yourself busy with friends. Don't feel like you have to be this martyr, that you need to be this strong, independent mum and do it all on your own. You've just been hit with a really, really bad situation.

I was going to say, no one's going to judge you, they're going to judge him. You were in love with the man, you wanted children with him, you were having a baby. I think this is something that I've always struggled with. I do sometimes worry about being judged for being a single mom and people judging. I don't know, choices I've made and whatever, but actually it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter about anyone else. As long as your children are loved and looked after and cared for and safe. People's opinions can go somewhere else, but I guarantee you were the person putting that

pressure on yourself and most people don't actually think like that. No, I agree. But yeah, please keep us updated. Our inbox is always open. If you join Patreon, there's also a group chat. A lot of people will be able to... Really helpful.

Yeah. It's constantly flowing, everyone giving each other advice. It's so, so nice. I'm sorry that you're going through that. And yeah, we're here with you through that journey. So reach out whenever you want. Confession of the week. This is great. What? I signed the other woman up for information on plastic surgery and liposuction. That's great. I thought you were going to say for a swingers website. Oh my god. You're adding. Affirmation of the week. I'm actually going to read this out. It's actually a quote that we put on our Instagram a few months back and this is like really,

I feel like for the girl that just wrote in, okay? So if someone isn't choosing you, choose yourself. No more trying to be enough. No more trying to heal them into loving you and no more trying to convince them of your value. Life is hard enough. Don't make it harder by chasing love that isn't available to you. Let them go. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening guys. Thank you guys. Make sure you leave a good review, go and share with your friend and we'll see you next week.

Bye.