Not As We Planned - 59. Green Flag or Bare Minimum

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Figuring out if it’s a green flag or just bare minimum, getting the inside scoop at a swingers club, seeing the repercussions of taking back that cheating ex husband and finding out you’re the other woman and his whole story was a lie! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one.

And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode. Hope you all had a lovely week. It's weird, it's like I can't figure out the weather. I think September's all over. I've accepted that I have to change at least once a day. So I feel like it's freezing in the morning and then like scoring round. This summer, I can't bear it. I hate the in-between. Just like, I'm ready now. Just like, autumn me up and like,

I just want to know what's what. I'm not ready for autumn. I noticed last night how dark it was at like half seven. It was depressing. I like it. I'm not here for it. But I'm going away next week. So, woohoo! Let's see. I'm going away in two weekends. Okay, fine. So put your finger down, hon. Yeah, it's only put your finger down, hon. Yeah, it is only a weekend away. Should we have a little cat chat? Can you go first? Um, what to say?

Nothing really, just sort of like... Why lie? Why are you lying? Why are you lying? Um, yeah, just sort of... You're... ...going along with life. Those flowers are so nice.

Thanks, good change, that's from a client. Really, really pretty. I even sent me them to say thank you for all the work I've done with her for six months. I haven't listened to that, I haven't listened to that. I felt really emotional when I... I was like, the man turned up at the door and was like, these are for you. I was like, for me? And I was like, they can't be from my boyfriend because he literally got me some like last week. So I was like, he wouldn't do two weeks, right? Yeah. And then yeah,

we were from a club. So cute. Yeah, sorry. I have been staring at them. So yeah, my week. Yeah. Like, I don't really know. Well, catch up is going to be really fucking boring, Tash. Don't start opening arms. Look at me being all closed once in my life. Yeah, like people would have obviously seen like maybe some snippets of a really tall guy in some of my content. And so just enjoying... Going along with it. Yeah.

Taking it slowly, very early days, there's nothing really to share, enjoying each other's company and that's what it is. Yeah, that is great. Tash is filling us with updates. My update, I had Milo's birthday party at the weekend. It was cute. We had like the real life Hulk here. He literally has not stopped talking about it. Do you know what? One thing I want to touch on is, I remember last year having his party and feeling like this enormous sense of sadness. I was doing it on my own and just feeling very apparent, like I was a single mom and all

this. I have found the boys' birthdays quite hard up until this year. I didn't remotely think about anything negative. We just had such a wholesome day. It was just family. The kids' faces were just so happy the entire time. And do you know what, instead of looking back and thinking like, oh, I'm so sad I don't have my family unit, I was looking around thinking, I do have a family unit, and this is it. And I was feeling so proud of myself that... I don't know, I feel really, in the recent months,

I've really made peace with being a single mom. I don't actually think it's a bad thing. I feel like there's so many things about organizing a party where I feel like, I don't know, my ex-husband could have been like, well, you're not spending that much on it. And I could just do what I wanted to do without being judged.

So I could make what I wanted. I feel like I did it on my own. Yeah, I did do it on my own. I feel like there's a lot of things I did that I felt like it actually was feeling like a single mom in a marriage than being a single mom. And that's what I realized is it doesn't feel any different.

It's still me. I don't know. I just felt, I really noticed that I didn't have that sad feeling this year. And I feel like that was a really big thing. So yeah, we had a really nice weekend. I took the kids into London on Sunday, went to the postal museum and then we went to Covent Garden.

I had this crazy idea to go to the Ivy for dinner. I had two children and I walked in and you could tell everyone there was like, and actually, and I had no iPads, nothing on me and I was like, what have I done? What have I done? No, give them benefit of the doubt and they were brilliant. I mean, really good. I was telling Si, I'm glad. Yeah, other than that, not a lot to report really. Fam. We were going to do a new little segment. I thought we'd start the episode with it. We put it up on our stories. You may not have seen it. We've obviously been doing like Confessions of the Week for ages, but, and we probably will still do that, but we wanted to do something called Green

Flag or Bare Minimum, because I feel like when you're in a new relationship, or even if you're in a long-time existing marriage relationship, situationship, it's trying to differentiate, is that a green flag or actually is that bare minimum and you're just comparing term existing marriage, relationship, situation ship, it's trying to differentiate. Is that a green flag or actually is that bare minimum and you're just comparing it to a shitty relationship? Yeah, and I think that I have really noticed that I've struggled with that. Like I say it sometimes to my boyfriend

and I'm like, oh, you're such a green flag. It's like, Cully, I think like that's bare minimum. Like you should be, well, it's like when I used to say that all I ever wanted was to like feel loved and trust someone. And I found it and I felt so lucky. It's like, no hon, like that's bare minimum. Why would you be with anyone?

You're like fucking crap. I said to my boyfriend, I was like, do you know what? I was like, I really, really trust that you would like never hurt me, never cheat on me. And he was like, isn't that normal? Shouldn't you? But yeah.

So we've got our green flags out, so take a green flag. You guys sent in some situations. Please, if you didn't see this, make sure you send them in. Just email us and maybe put the subject like bare minimum or green flag. Some of them are really interesting. And I feel like, I feel bad because sometimes I think they probably are green flags.

And then they're green flags flags and then they're... They're green flags! They're then aren't getting credit for it but like some things are like trusting someone is bare minimum. Okay so let's go through something. Researches, plans and books the entire vacation. I think that's a green flag. Absolutely.

Because attention to detail for what you might like. And I don't, the reason why I don't think it's bare minimum is because I think there are some guys out there that could be like proper green flags but that's just not in their nature and it doesn't make them a red flag. Let's also make that very clear. Don't make me a green flag because I'm doing all of that for my boyfriend's surprise birthday trip. Love that, that's a green flag.

I'm a green flag. We're both green flags. Woo hoo! Okay, respecting what I ask even if they don't agree. That's bare minimum, right? I think that might be bare minimum. I think that's bare minimum. Yeah.

But it's something you should respect. Like if they don't respect you. As humans, I think it's okay not to agree or have the same opinion on things. Actually, I think that's a good thing because it'd be weird if you were just like a yes person. Okay. Green flag or bare minimum. Wrapping presents that are from him for my daughter's birthday. Oh I think that's a green flag. Hold on, say that again?

Wrapping presents that are from him for my daughter's birthday. I think it's really cute that he even bought her presents or is that bare minimum? I don't know. Because I did it all and I wrapped them all and I wouldn't expect any different but is that a bare minimum? Like I know my boyfriend goes out

and thinks of the things his kids would like. Oh, do you know what? But I'm not thinking about it. I'm gonna say green flag. I don't think my ex-husband wrapped anything. Yeah, but you comparing two. This is the whole point. We don't even know if it's a bare minimum anymore.

This is the whole point of this segment. I think if you're buying a present, you're the one that wraps it. And why shouldn't you buy a present just because you're like, why should you just leave it on your woman to sort? Why? Why? No, but I get the impression it's not his daughter. So I think that's a green flag.

No. Ah, from him. Oh, she's straight to June. Yeah, no, I thought it was his daughter. No. Right. Yeah, no, that's cute. Yeah.

Okay, whatever. Do you want to do something? Yeah. Cooks me dinner. Bare minimum. Bare minimum. So they should. Yeah.

Live together. Good morning and good night messages, but nothing during the day. I think you need to have certain expectations that you're both aware of in a relationship. My minimum, and from early on I said for me, I need a good morning text. I want to know the first thing you think of when I wake up. It's just that little bit of like, I'm thinking of me. I also think in a relationship it's weird not to say goodnight to each other. We don't do messages, we FaceTime every single night.

Yeah. So yeah, at least. But that is goodnight. Yeah, I couldn't have a message, like you'd have to call me baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be, why am I talking to myself? I'm renting myself out.

Texting back and forth consistently, not all the time, but just keeping the convo going. I think that's actually a great idea because some people aren't good with texting and communication. No, and also some people have really busy jobs. It's something I've realised and I've been getting used to is my boyfriend literally can be in the middle of doing something where he cannot be anywhere near his phone. And I found that really hard to adapt to because I felt like at the start of my relationship, I was so needy in terms of needing constant reassurance and attention to make me feel like I was cared for. And now I know I don't always need that.

Walter House without telling me and said it was a surprise. We were together for three years. Feel free to buy me a house anyone. All the little flowers were gone. My green flags are... The thing is I would want a bit of a contribution. Like, let's not get picky. She just got bought a house, OK?

I hope it's nice. I hope you appreciate. Pin. She can't get picky. She just got bought a house. Okay. I hope it's nice. I hope you appreciate. Pin. Um, randomly buy me flowers after work or when shopping. I think that's a green flag. Green flag and it's thoughtful. Do you know what? I have never been with someone who's bought me just because flowers.

Really? I know I am. And it was really nice. I love that. Here's one. Making a real effort with dinner, candles lit, flowers on the table for no occasion, just because. Is that a green flag or bare minimum? I think it's green flag.

I think it's a green flag. Yeah, it's, I feel like making dinner is bare minimum, but going that extra mile and making it like, yeah. Got a lot of time for that. Love a bit of rock and roll. Little foolful things, like what we were saying before, things I like be green flag for me. Something really little, green flag.

He knows I'm obsessed with orange juice with bits in, freshly squeezed and he gets it from his local farm shop for me. Every time he knows I'm staying over, a big litre bottle and has it in the fridge, he doesn't drink it and he sends the rest home with me. That's a big green flag because that's showing, it's like what I told you. Yeah, it's a sense of detail. Yeah. It's little things. Yeah. Letting you know when they get home safely from a night out or long drive, bare minimum. Like, I'm sorry if you're not texting me goodnight

or calling me to let you know you're home. Agreed, bare minimum. Freaking. Should we get you guys sending more? We'll do like a few each week. Um, we will. It's interesting and sometimes a bit eye opening when you actually think like, oh,

I think it's really hard going from a relationship where you didn't get a bare minimum to then going into a new relationship and being like, are my expectations just really low? Well, is this guy a big green flat? And you know what, I've got to be honest. So I experienced that a lot in my last relationship. That a lot of things were just bare minimum

and you thought they were big green flags. And this isn't any disrespect to him because I don't think he wasn't doing things that were green flags, but I think it made me romanticize and put him on such a high... How does he feel? Because he was compared to something so low that anything that was done, that was the norm.

I remember once speaking to my best friend who's in like a really secure, loving, amazing marriage. I can't remember what it was, but I said something to her like, Oh my God, he did this for me. And she was like, I'm so happy for you, but it makes me sad that you think that's like extraordinary. That's what you should have got in the first place. I spent 17 years not getting it. So I don't know, it's just been really eye opening on reflection of that relationship. It was lovely. It was great. But there were a lot of things that made me think it was so much more perfect than it was because it was being compared to, yeah. Should we go into some email? I saw one I really want to

read. Yeah, we've got a swingers one. Is that what you're on? I'm very excited, John. I'm ready. We asked, as you heard previously, for some swinger emails, and I saw this come in, and it took a lot for me not to read it, but I just read the first line and saw it was about swinging. Actually, can you read it so I can really take it in, because I'm excited.

Well, you asked for it, dot, dot, dot. I'm relaxed with it. Hi ladies, love the podcast, and it's been a lifesaver for me since my separation and divorce. Keep up the great work. I was listening to the Patreon episode and you asked for an email from a swimmer. Well you asked for it. I'm a female in my 40s.

I was married for over two decades and we explored swinging in the last few years of our marriage and frankly it kept the relationship going longer than it otherwise would have done. Wow, I don't know why but I just want goosebumps. Romantic swinging story. It started with a chance discussion with a friend I made online. We had the same sporting interests and she was happily married. She explained how they started and all the connections they had made and the places in

the world it had taken them. I said, oh, I've always wanted to try. She said, come out for dinner as a foursome and if there is a connection, dot dot dot. There was and she invited us back to their amazing home. As she went in the door, she stripped off and said, last one in the pool. Oh my god, sorry. Oh, last one in the pool. She was a pro. We met them a few times and then went to a swingers club. It is not as people might imagine. It's not seedy, dirty, and there are all walks of life, nationalities, professions, and ages.

In fact, once you're walking around in a towel, everyone is equal. Oh, guys, if you end up swinging because of the result of this email, can you let us start? This is so exciting. We're selling it. I've seen disabled people, old people and all sexualities. If only the world operated like a swinging club, we would have world peace. Jesus, what a statement! I have always been very sexual and I'm very body confident and my fantasies were always

very wild and involved others. There are many couples, single men and some single ladies and it's a very safe environment. If the word no is not respected, there is a lifetime ban. Oh, strict. You're out of here. The club has many interesting rooms and is kept impeccably clean and is beautifully decorated. I want to go. I want to go.

I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. I want to go. We're going to email her back and ask her. Can you like actually say that? I know I'm genuinely interested. I want to make a Channel 4 documentary on this. Sorry, who are you? I love Channel 4 documentaries that are just out of the box. No, I want to market research. It's for the pod.

For the pod or for the plot? As a couple, we went about a dozen times and it's not a free for all as people imagine. I find the women to be the exhibitionists and the men the voyeurs, but it does vary. We had some amazing experiences. I want to know! And met some lovely people. It's not something you want to do every day, but we kept it as a treat. I mean, my treat is like a takeaway. Getting a treat tonight, takeaway, and then maybe a little cheeky apple crumble. We split for other reasons, and recently I went back to the club as a unicorn. What's that mean?

The name for single ladies, I'm a unicorn. And I had some fun in what is a very safe environment. In fact, probably safer than meeting a date from a dating app because security and strict rules are present. I had a great time and will return. are present. I had a great time and will return. It's a chance to be free of responsibilities and let go for a few hours and well, let's just say I will have some memories to make me smile when I'm in my nursing home someday.

I'm crying. Can you imagine? Well, when I was young I am back in my day. When I was a unicorn. when I was a unicorn, I saw some things. I don't regret a thing. There are more of us than people realise, even grannies. My grandma better not be there. My 100 year old single grandma. We walk among you and we are the ones grinning. Ah ha ha! You see someone walk in and say that then? I'm gonna be like, you swinging girl.

You're coring. Oh my God. Perhaps one day we'll write an X rated book under a sidium, sidium, sidium, sidium. Don't ask me. Sidium. Maybe like a NMS.ium. Don't know. Presidium. Maybe like a name. It's like an anonymous.

Yeah. There are many ways of getting involved from apps, clubs, parties, cruise ships, dedicated holiday- That's why you like the cruise. ... and they've revealed myself. Disclosure, it was just Virgin Voyages. Dedicated holiday destinations and even a whole town in France, which is a popular summer destination in the lifestyle.

That's why I keep going to France. I haven't been since last year, but I didn't swing. And no, you don't need clothes to go to dinner or the supermarket. They go to the supermarket naked? Just getting my glimpses. No, no, no, surely not. Read that again. And no, you don't need clothes to go to dinner.

Just have my spaghetti bollin'. Oh, I dropped one on my titty. Or the supermarket. Thanks ladies. Anonymous, of course. Take care. Can you, can you, and please- I love it! No, should we- I'm replying now. Reply.

Reply. Loved this email. Can you please. Give me the name of the French town. The town of the swingers. Was it house or party? Club. Club.

And ask for the French destination. I just wanna. The French destination I just wanna leave French destination I wonder if it's a new speech I spoke about thanks send yeah okay well guys I don't know why our date's gonna be in a few weeks so guys went to the slinears club ever strictly you guys I don't know why I went like that I I knew the point, it's only one more. Wow, that's better than I expected. We want more.

We want more. We want more. Hold on, it's here, did you delete it? No, I haven't deleted it in case we need to mess it up. Oh, brilliant, yeah, yeah, good idea. Go, they're all the other way. Wow. Okay, this one just stood out to me because the subject is uh-oh.

Uh-oh. We're in trouble. Sam is so alone and his burst tail bubble. Yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. We're in trouble. Alright, ready? Hey ladies, 18 months ago me and my husband split after I found him in a hotel room with a girl from work. Another one. Oh, so original. Get a new script, baby. For seven months after that, he lived with his new life with her,

having our son on his days off whilst I experienced the lowest moments of my life, also whilst looking after our two-year-old and working full-time. Just to clarify, our son has not been introduced to her and I'm confident that this is true. On Boxing Day, he asked me if there was a chance we could ever make our marriage work. I shut this down very quickly. In the May, our son turned three and we went on a family day out. We had the best time and it was clear we still have feelings for each other and miss being a family. Contact increased and in July we went on another family day out and on our way home our son fell asleep in the car and we had a big chat. He explained he wanted to end

things with her and I agreed the door wasn't completely shut on our door. Sorry, it's on my coffin. For six weeks it was like we were right back at the start of our relationship, snogging whenever we could, great sex, flirting, consistent texts, et cetera. During that time, it was my birthday and he outdid himself with thoughtful and generous gifts. Of course, I started preparing myself to consider a future back together, but then things just seemed to fizzle out.

We went from snogging each other's faces off to hardly looking each other in the eye. What? I have no idea what's happened, but I've done too much right to let him hurt me again. Tonight we had the chat and I've made it clear I won't be mugged off again. He's bloody lucky I even considered giving him another chance and that if he wants this marriage he needs to fight for it. I'm not an option and I know what I deserve. I don't regret the last few months

as at least now I won't have that what if feeling. Tomorrow I'll go on holiday with my son for two weeks and we've booked a couple of counseling sessions for when I'm back. Will distance make my heart grow fonder or is it time to file for that divorce? I mean, I think you probably know the answer and I think maybe you're just looking for a bit of clarity.

I think it- The party's just allowed it to fuck up the game. I don't understand. Like, if you realize like you've messed up, you want her back, you do everything. And you keep it consistent. But the fact is that he I think by the sounds of it, he was doing it while still with this other woman. I think he just wants his cake and everyone else's cake. He's not coming you. Yeah, I think that I think it's really time now,

like go on this holiday, see it as a new chapter when you get back. And I would personally- Absent is not something that always make the heart grow fonder. No, and the thing is, time to reflect actually. I feel like absent, don't use that saying to like be a reason to like,

because I really miss him, it must be like a sign that I really missed my ex-boyfriend when we went through no contact. That didn't mean that we were meant to get back together. Sometimes you don't feel good after making the right decision. That doesn't mean it's not the right decision. I would really take these two weeks to reflect

on the fact that you gave him another chance and he still managed to fuck it up. As we've said before, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don't do it. Draw the line, get that divorce, move on, find someone better. Fish bash boss. Next in. Thank you. Oh. Oh. Emotional Affairs, it's called. We hang. Let's do it. Hi guys, I listened to the recent episode and it was so interesting hearing from the

man involved. I've recently had an experience, horribly, as the other woman, in an emotional affair. And I wanted to send it to you as I'm always interested in your thoughts and it's definitely something I never thought would happen to me so I hope this story can help someone else. About two years ago I met a man online on a bit of a naughty chat site. Why are we not getting details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please?

Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get details on these things please? Why do we not get? Here we go, why do we... You might want to research, it's good. Are you not intrigued by what these are? Some people might be nice, they might like to hear naughty reaction. I want any man I'm with to remotely be interested in going on a naughty chat. I mean, like the girls that are listening might be up for a bit of naughty chat. You're trying, they're not encouraging. What, naughty chat?

Do you want to know if they're meeting married men? Yeah, but he's obviously a red slide. There might be some good guys on there, no? I wouldn't say it's your best place to meet your husband, but noted. Anyway, about two years ago, I met a man online on a bit of a naughty chat site. I was single and not necessarily ready to mingle in life yet.

So, you know, a bit of slutty chatting seemed an okay idea. Fair. He joined during the pandemic when he'd been really lonely and was still an active user. I could see from his profile that was true. I was dipping my toes and went through a few accounts over the summer of 2022 and coincidentally he messaged me on them all. So she had a few different accounts and he'd messaged her. In about September of 2022, I finally replied to him and I know it sounds weird, but we clicked.

He was however clear about his situation from the start. He had a 10 year old daughter who had autism with his ex and they'd been engaged but split about seven years previous. As things got more serious and we started texting and chatting on all sorts of platforms, I asked about his relationship with his daughter's mum and he assured me it was friendly and no drama. When it started, we were quite casual, neither of us looking for serious. So in October 2022, when he told me he'd slept with her, I wasn't very impressed but I wasn't really upset. We were

just chatting online and weren't exclusive and if it had been anyone else I might not have been bothered but I did think it was pretty weird. However, when we started getting more serious I asked him about it again and he reassured me. They'd apparently been together sporadically after the split but by the time of this conversation she'd a new man and things were settled and their relationship was good but strictly platonic. We were very long-distance but closing the distance wasn't out of the question, however, it wasn't as simple as a little drive to meet up. It would have committed at least a couple of days of one of or both of us being away from home.

Our relationship continued and honestly it got pretty serious. It was 100% the definition of an emotional affair and now I know the truth. So we never met up but he made it clear we were going that way. It went from if we meet to when we meet and across the course of the whole relationship, it was made extremely clear to me we would be meeting. But with both our lives busy, it was difficult. For example, my nephew was born during this time and literally within weeks, my sister's partner left her and I could not and would not commit to traveling to him and being away for a couple of days, which he understood. And equally, he couldn't be away from his disabled child for a period

of time. How unreasonable would it have been for me to push him? He'd not had a relationship since his ex, who had been his only serious relationship and was even planning of a sex to me, as he had made his daughter his number one priority and didn't want to have any more children, especially as before me, he was engaging in casual sex most recently with his ex. That was cancelled because I ultimately decided I didn't want to continue the relationship if he was firm he never wanted more children and we did split for maybe a month but kept in contact. He was visibly depressed during this period and visibly lost a lot of weight and looked actively unwell, but never made me check. Within all this, they've never met?

No. Well, I don't know. Can't imagine that. But they must be having like intense conversations and stuff to- Maybe like FaceTime. Yeah, it must be FaceTime. He was already struggling and spoke to his doctor, his priest, his friends, like this was pretty heavy stuff. He ultimately decided he was open to the possibility of another child in the future with the right

person, i.e. potentially me, and he cancelled the surgery. That was more than enough for me at the stage we were at, especially as I'd only ever wanted one child biologically anyway, so we started to talk seriously about how meeting up would work, but very long distance. I knew he was very sensitive about something, and to tell you the truth, there were a couple of parts of his physical appearance that I knew he was very self-conscious about, and I thought he was insecure, and that's what was really going on. Stupidly I responded to this by sending him even more pictures and getting them in return.

Hundreds if not thousands of pictures in my mind trying to reassure him how much I fancied him. We talked all day every day. His daughter had a trip at school and broke her nose and needed surgery. She's fine. And so meeting was out of the question during that period, of course, which was a lot longer than it may have been for an average kid as it caused her some sensory distress. It would have been tricky to meet anyway as weekends before his daughter and neither of us wanted to disrupt her routine. So it wasn't easy and I definitely saw he was moving very slowly and it gave me no red flags because firstly I wanted to take it slow too and time just seemed to fly by and

before I knew it we'd been chatting for nearly two years, maybe 18 months or so of that completely exclusively. Wow. Can you imagine? No. No. I'm, one of my love languages is physical touch. So I feel like without that,

I don't feel like I'd have that connection. I think, I don't know, everyone's different. Because I would say that, I know this is no comparison. The only thing that I can relatively compare is before I met 6ix, we spoke for two weeks before we went out and I know to do with, I know, I know, I know two weeks is obviously not, but I feel like in the dating scene when you're on dating apps, a lot of people say like, if you don't

meet quite quickly, it fizzles out and someone else speaks to someone else. But we spoke like really like intensely quite deeply for those two weeks. And I can understand like forming a connection before you even meet someone. We meet, all I'm picturing is imagine that two weeks of intensity, add that two years, I can appreciate that you can form

some extremely strong feeling. If there is like constant valid reasons as to why you cannot meet. I can understand how that can progress. I'd find it difficult not because I'd want to meet them. But maybe 18 months or so of that completely exclusively, he was loving, caring, and was a devoted dad which warmed my heart. I'm not a big social media person but I did my stalking. For example, he told me when his cat was briefly missing, don't worry it's home safe and well, and how worried he was as his daughter adored it and I was actually able to find posts that tracked with this

story completely. He didn't have social media so a neighbour had posted in local groups for him and I found those posts and they mentioned his little girl and how much she loved the kitty and she'd be back that weekend etc. It all just completely tracked, and other than weekends when his replies were a bit slow whilst he was around his daughter as sole carer, he was always around. I could even tell when his mum came over on a weekend because he'd be texting me more. He had mentioned me to his mum and friends and I'd often get voice notes or pictures when he was out and about or with friends and family or just at home with his daughter.

We were so close. He'd discussed with his ex that he'd started seeing someone as his daughter had mentioned that dad had a girlfriend to her mum, having seen his display screen, which was a photo of me, deliberately to start introducing her to the idea. I felt so secure and he gave me so much affection and support and contact, that I just thought this is worth it. How wrong I was.

After TikTok stopped letting you watch videos if you didn't have an account, I made one in June, 2024. Thank you, TikTok. When I sent him a link a few days on, I got a pop up that he clicked the link I sent. Yeah, so basically, if I were to send a TikTok to your WhatsApp, I then would get a notification when the account that you use on TikTok has viewed that message. So if I didn't follow you, I'd still get a notification, Carly Harris has viewed that message. So if I didn't follow you, I'd still get a notification, Carly Harris has viewed this video.

Oh, with you. And then I could find your account. Right, okay. Oh no. But it wasn't the name I knew him by. Oh my God. I did not see this. Oh no, this is what I was expecting.

What? This makes me feel like he's with the heebie-jeebies. Yeah. Whole body's gone all weird. Can you imagine? Like you don't even know the person. Shit. Needless to say, I searched him and immediately found his wife's social media. Her actual cover photo was him and their three children. Foli shitballs. Right. I dropped him immediately and did have a good confronting him session but from the second I found out I made it crystal clear it was over. I won't lie, I went absolutely mad. I was furious and devastated and obviously felt very stupid. He told me he had confessed to his wife and within a few weeks I realised how stupid believing that was and contacted her. Ha! She contacted her! Oh my god.

Seriously? I showed her evidence he of him using various messaging apps for over half of their 12 year relationship. Including two years of marriage that I'd been able to screenshot. He's got married just weeks before he asked for exclusivity with me. What?

Oh my God. Wow. Rick. My mind was completely blown about how he'd got away with it and why he'd done it, especially since he had chased me. She referenced him constantly being on his phone, but obviously un- I was gonna say, I wonder how he managed to get away with it on his phone. On his phone, but obviously understandably had never checked what he was actually doing for one reason or another. I was definitely not the first woman. I was just the one who found out and messaged her.

I don't actually even know if I was the only other woman at the time. In fact, the situation is that he is married. His eldest child is a child from a previous relationship, his current wife's best friend. It's like a soap opera. I know. Glawdy, dawdy. So when I let her know about what he'd said about them sleeping together in 2022, it could have caused major problems, but fortunately it didn't, as it was obvious to his wife it was a lie. He got with his now wife when his eldest was

a toddler and had two more kids with her over the next 12 years. The photos of him with a 12-year-old daughter he'd sent me were his middle daughter, his oldest child with his wife, but not his only child, like he said. He also had a little boy born a few months before he met me. Making life really uneasy. And I had no idea. His wife is a stay at home mum so I guess that's why childcare issues never arose or kept him away from his phone, but he was anything but the devoted dad image I had of him. His wife had since told me they are happier than ever and me telling her was shit but they will come out of this on top, which, fine, I'm not going to criticise her.

His ex messaged me to tell me she didn't appreciate me being bitter for contacting his wife at all and it could have negative consequences for her kids too, which I do understand but also I didn't normally do anything to them. Sorry, you shouldn't be made to feel bad. Yeah. I know he's massively downplayed it and was lying to her more as it was evident at various times in our chat that he was continuing to lie. I hope they really are happy and I've now left social media again so I feel confident I'll not be seeing or hearing from them again, but I am sad he continued to lie all the way to the end to us both. I also cannot imagine how hard having to find that out was for his wife and also for any what everyone connected, including his ex, given his wife had obviously been a loving step mum to his eldest daughter.

I guess the reason I'm sharing is I'm so amazed he managed to get away with it. I want to encourage people that they should be able to ask questions about huge volumes of phone time etc as they're probably right and also because I've always felt the other woman is awful right but now I'm in those shoes. I see it's not always that straightforward. I am shocked he got away with it for so long. I've just been stupid and naive and I won't be making those mistakes again. Some of the things I now see were red flags. I had no idea it could be an issue. I'm also hoping it really has changed him and made him a better husband, although I have to admit to being

sceptical about that. I know you get loads of submissions, so I doubt I'll hear this on the podcast, but I hope it gives a perspective on something I'm not sure I've heard you talk about yet, or not about, at least where I am in my podcast binge having not found you for too long ago. Why are you- Can we just take a minute? I know.

To process, because that was a lot. Yeah, like, I mean, it blows my mind that these men can have what sounds like such a lovely on paper perfect life, like your wife, your three kids, you just got married. Sorry, my mind is actually blown by that story. Like, how is that real life? I'm sorry you've gone through it. And you're right, right. I do think when we often speak about the other woman, we do it in quite a negative way because I think we always presume like the other woman knows they're the other woman, but I guess for quite a lot of people they don't. We don't know what these men tell these other women that their relationship's

over. I mean, do you know what, good for you that the minute you found out you've put an end their relationships over. I mean, do you know what, good for you that the minute you found out you've put an end to it. Because I think there are a lot of women that wouldn't be able to do it. Not because they're bad people, but because they're then just too emotionally involved and maybe it was easier for you had you not met him.

But yeah, like, why though? I wonder how many other women he'd have. That is mental. I like the timeframe of that. I know. Okay, let's do a confession of the week. This one is called asking for a friend. My friend told me about this anonymous site you can pick an animal and be posted to and address.

Obviously you're not condoning this child act but would fucking love to do it. What you order an animal to run this. I've got delivery for you. It's an animal. I don't know, I missed the beginning bit. It's not the animal, it's shit in a box from an animal. Can you all like read the email properly? Sorry.

I did it again. The beginning bit was relevant. Hey ladies, can you ask in the podcast, kind of in the confession of the week, if anyone's ever sent a shit in a box? My friend told me about this anonymous site where you can pick an animal and it can be placed into an address. You mean like a cow's gonna stand up and say, oh wait, what? I think that's better than a whole.

Obviously not condoning this show out but would fucking love to do it. Oh my god, does anyone know that would be epic? No, stop it's a straight civil bath. I definitely get horseshits, it stinks. I don't know what to say. So yeah, that's not really, well it's a confession of wanting to find it out. I don't know what to say. So yeah, that's not really, well, it's a confession of wanting to find it out. So look, guys, if you know it, email us, let us know.

Should we do an affirmation? Affirmation of the way I will not ignore my gut with certain things. I always want people like this one thing that I'm I really believe in is a gut feeling is never wrong. There's a feeling for a reason I think whether or not you act on it or chase it or do some exploring with regards to that I don't think it's something you should have ignored. Thank you so much guys as always always, if you're not already, go and head over to Patreon. There are so many episodes that you are missing out on. Freaking good ones.

Yeah, so make sure you go and join. And as always, leave reviews, subscribe to our YouTube if you prefer to watch it. If you don't even know that you can watch it. Share it on your social media. Yeah, share us on your Instagram. Drop a thing of your girls group chat. Yep, love that. Thank you so much guys. See you next week. Bye.