Not As We Planned - 60. I’m One Of Those Men Who Cheated

Episode Date: October 17, 2024

We hear from the cheating man himself, we share the ultimate instagram hack, finding naked AI pictures of your friends on your partners phone and deciding whether to stay after he cheated or if it’s time to finally let go. Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey, guys. You're listening to Not As We Plan, groceries shop now at pc-express.ca Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan so get ready for honest raw unfiltered unhinged story where we share our advice opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals although I feel the high I am one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello everyone, welcome back to another episode. Just before we get started, make sure you are liking, subscribing, sharing, signing up to Patreon.

Absolutely. You are missing some good gunkers, nuggets over there. Yeah, but you know what? I'm actually currently processing. Because I don't know if anyone knows, we film on a Thursday and obviously our main episode is out on a Thursday. So in the morning I do sometimes have a little recap

and listen to what I always listen to our episode as I'm getting ready and it's swinging one. And it's still, I just like, I just, yeah, it was a good one. It was a good one. We look catch up. Yeah, I actually haven't seen each other in two one. It was a good one. We looked kind of chucks. Yeah, I actually haven't seen each other in two weeks. Oh yes, because I went away.

So I went on my little holiday with my sis. It was really, really nice. Just nice to unwind and just have some proper, relaxing, kid-free time. You know, I had a few Karen's. Had a few Karen's making comments obviously. I just think like those people are probably just jealous that I had some kid free time. Like 100%. At the end of the day, being a mum shouldn't define us and I want to, I saw an opportunity to go away with my sister.

Before I became a single parent, I never left my kid. Yeah. And do you remember at the start how hard I used to find it and now? Embrace it. I enjoy my kid free time as much as I enjoy my time with kids. And I'm not ashamed to say it. I had some annoying woman. I think I did a story and I wrote like my happy place, like

being away and she messaged me being like, isn't a happy place with your kids? It's like, for fuck's sake, of course it is as well, but you have more than one happy place. It's not that deep though. It's not that deep. Do you know what I mean? Like, come on, yeah. I'd rather be in Spain without my kids for the rest of my life, rather than be with my kids. There's a lot of mood they're in. Yeah. So anyway, no, that was really, really nice.

What else? Yeah, I'm still dating my tall guy. And yeah, it's doing it. Yeah, going with it. That's me really, I have nothing else to report. What about you? I'm trying to think what I can and can't share, you know, like you obviously know.

I had a bit of an interesting weekend. I can't really share too much. You do need to be careful, but... I had a situation where I'd had a really positive morning where a big step in my new relationship was made. And I'm a child, I think I can share that, I can always cut it out. Basically, I actually met my boyfriend's ex-wife on Saturday. I just feel like I want to have known that we've always done the right thing, we've always

been respectful and like where we've waited so long with introducing the kids, I just want to know like we've done everything right to have like a clean slate, do you know what I mean? And the three of us went for coffee and I know that's like a really weird situation. I think the reason I want to share it is because I think obviously my experience of like meeting someone else hasn't necessarily been the most positive experience. I really want to share a positive experience. We went for coffee and yeah, like at first we were like, isn't this a really strange situation?

And of course it is, but we sat and had a very civil and I will actually go as far as saying quite nice conversation. Like I think at the end of the day, when you're working with other people who also want what's sat and had a very civil and I will actually go as far as saying quite nice conversation. I think at the end of the day, when you're working with other people who also want what's best for the kids, who actually want to see their ex happy, everyone's happier. It made me feel really positive. I just felt like it was the next step forwards in our relationship. I feel like sometimes when we're around his area, like there's certain places we don't want to go in case we bump into them because I would never want to make her feel uncomfortable. It's just like that elephant in the room has now been shown and yeah, it was and you know,

it's nice to know who's going to spend time with your kids. And it was nice like, if we do bump into her, I can have a conversation. Yeah just I wanted to share it because I think there's obviously going to be people in that situation and we get messages like oh I want to meet the or whatever it is and I would say like there can be a positive out there because she's got no reason to have any bad feeling towards you because you weren't in the picture when they were. No, I think that is maybe a slightly different situation. It's so nice that you were able to do that and I think that it shows the type of person that you are to offer it. But I think that flip that around with your situation. It's very... I agree. I think it also made me realize what I would have really liked is for someone to

be like, we might not have got off to the best start, but we're going to be in each other's lives. Set realistic expectations. But I know. But I think, I actually realized. So I was in the car on the way back feeling really positive and I just thought, wow, like there can be really mature adult ways of dealing with this. And then I think I felt really frustrated like, because I am the girlfriend, like I saw it from a completely different point of view. And like my priority was to make sure as the mother to the children I'm going to be spending time with that she felt as comfortable as possible. It's uncomfortable for anyone. And I said to her, like, I just want you to

know that I completely understand how you're feeling. And I want to try and make that as easy as possible and for everyone just to know like we are going to prioritize the kids. So yeah, anyway, I got back and there was a situation and it wasn't enjoyable. It wasn't pleasant. And I think it felt worse because I'd had such, I don't know, I was on such a high. And it felt, I felt like I got a bit knocked. And, but what I will say is it has just given me a little bit of a wake up call. And it's made me make some really big decisions this week. And here's to happier future.

That's all I'm gonna say on the matter. I just think it showed me like and what I kind of realized, done a bit of self-reflection but I realized I really do try and see the best in people and actually sometimes that might not exist and you've just got to look after yourself and prioritize your kids and I won't lie, it's been a mentally draining week. Like I have really, I have been in a really bad headspace, really bad headspace and I'm still not completely out of it. I'm struggling a little bit at the moment, but I'm aware of what's causing it. And I guess that's a good thing. And just trying to focus

on the things that I can control at the moment. So yeah, that's interesting week, but I am going away this weekend, which is like a nice thing to look at. I feel like I've needed something to look forward to. So that'll be nice. But should we delve in? Let's do it. Okay. So this stood out to me. I messaged you the minute I saw her come in. I was like, don't read it. This is called A Man's Point of View. Are we ready? Hi guys, please keep me anonymous as my ex listens. But she's going to slow now it's her right? Well, I guess we'll wait and see.

I would like to preface that although it may seem like it, I'm not forced to write this. Ha ha. preface that although it may seem like it I'm not forced to write this haha I really do hope you read this out on the podcast as me and my ex are long-time listeners. This is weird what do you used to listen together and then you broke up or like I don't know maybe she's like you should listen. So I'm one of those men that cheated. Yeah we thought we said we'd never get someone. Yeah, it was never physical and it was a few texts and a phone call. If I'm honest, I still do not know why I did it. I had everything. A nice house, not big, not perfect, but it was ours.

Two lovely girls, a beautiful partner and literally I had the world in my hands. I don't know why I suddenly got goosebumps, I'm like crying. For some reason, still unbeknown to me, I chose to message some disease-riddled slag. I threw my life away for her. I don't know why I did it. I wouldn't have gone any further. She's actually disgusting.

What the hell is actually wrong with me? I did the usual, tried to lie and hide it but of course didn't do a good job and she found out. I broke her heart and for no reason at all. I still to this day feel guilty and not that I got caught but that I did it. I've done a lot of self-learning since. I'm attending therapy to help with my lying. I'd lied a lot of the time for silly things and for no reason. Of course I want her back. I would do anything to get her back. But I've also grown enough to know that maybe it's best that we don't get back together. I know she would never

fully trust me or be happy again. All I want is for her to be happy. And if that's with a new person, then so be it. I do completely agree with you that some men are pigs, but trust me when I say I would do anything to take back the heartache I caused and make her life amazing like she deserves. Thank you girls, you're for your podcast because it has also helped me learn a lot as well. Keep doing what you're doing." It's really interesting that he genuinely has no idea why he did it because that scares me. But there has to be a reason. There is an underlying reason that he hasn't yet

figured out in my perspective. Yeah, you're right. Nothing. Look, at the end of the day, you've got to respect a man for taking accountability for his actions. I think the thing for me is too many people make mistakes, but the damage is done and it's too late like

he's right like she probably would struggle to trust you again and I think the fact that you don't know why you did it means you could do it again and do it again because there was no and I think that would make me worry as someone to be like well if you don't know how do you know that won't you won't that won't happen yet. I'm glad you agree. If you don't know why you did it then how do you know you won't do it again. Whereas if you know the reason you did it like you might have been yeah that's something

you can tackle. Look you've got to respect him for writing in I feel like that's quite like a big wonder sheet in the narration and like you let us know if like anything happens or you have a conversation or something happens as a result, I just, I don't know. For me, that's what stood out from that email is like, why don't you know? I also think that him saying that he appreciates

maybe it's best they don't get back together because she probably would never trust him and then not be happy. That resonated with me because I feel like my relationship in theory was sort of doomed because I'm not that person. You know how you said that you would be that person that would never be able to give so you walked away? I'm that person too, but I didn't walk away.

I'm the prime example of how your relationship would have been if you took him back. Yeah, 100%. Like years of just like resentment, paranoia. I knew, yeah, I was just like, well, that's it. And if she's that sort of person, then he is right in saying that they shouldn't get back together. Right. But sometimes, and we've seen it before, you've experienced it in your life in general, we have seen that sometimes things like this,

they can't bring people closer to learn. The fact that he's doing the work that is massive, like the fact he's taken that accountability and he's not just said like, oh, I realized this, he's gone away, he's doing therapy. That does show that he recognizes, as though maybe he doesn doesn't know, maybe that's why he's doing therapy to figure out what it is he's missing. I think some people don't have that awareness. But what's making him like? Does he feel like he can't actually communicate his real feeling? There's got to be some reason he's like. Maybe he likes, maybe he's lucky in that like, he wants that dopamine rush of like, doing

something that he should I don't know, there might be like more of a psychological like reason behind that. But he's doing the therapy and that's a really positive step. Thank you for saying that. It's updated. So while Carly is quickly getting up an email, I have a hack for you guys. Have you ever wanted to view someone's Instagram stories and not have them see that you have viewed it because

I have a hack. I have a hack where you can view a story. I'm not a stalker like you. No, to be honest, it's not really anyone's stories that I want to look at, but I saw this hack on TikTok and I thought how many listeners of ours are going to want to know this. Are you ready guys? Here is how you view Sala's story on Instagram and they will never know you viewed it. So what you need to do is go onto Instagram and refresh your page and make sure their story is at the top, okay?

Like ready to be viewed. Right. Then go and put your phone onto aeroplane mode. Go back onto Instagram and you can watch their whole story. And then once you've viewed their whole story then turn aeroplane mode off and they will never know that you viewed their stories. You will not come up on that list of story views.

Now as soon as like Instagram have figured out this and then all these people are doing it and are really all there, we should try it. We should try it but yeah, you're welcome. So go and view. Go and install all those exes, all the people that you want to look at I don't have anyone must no neither do I think that's positive yeah that's goodness good things right well this one for any oh this is denim for only 29.99 stylish a staple, and affordable? Say no more. This is a fall booty, just $49.99. Easy on the eyes and the credit card.

And this? This is a branded moisturizer that was only $7.99. My skin's already glowing from the money I saved. Scoring fashion and beauty for a fraction? This is winning. Winners, find Fabulous for less. What else? Oh, you. Winners find fabulous for less. What else? For all you guys. If you're all I know who. Need to stalk. Right, creepy uses of AI. Okay. Never had a title like this.

Oh. Hey girls, first and foremost, I wanted to shout out how much I love your podcasts and listen to you each week and I'd love to hear your thoughts on my situation, but please keep my name anonymous. Where to actually start? I guess I should start back to two years ago when I met my current partner. He seemed to be everything I was looking for in a guy initially. He's kind, thoughtful, funny and he loves my daughter. I'd been renting my own place for about a year and after six months of dating he asked me to move in with him. Things were great initially until just before Christmas when an old friend of his came back into his life. He'd asked me if I was okay with him having a female friend which of course I was as long

as there was nothing more to it. They were texting quite frequently and something just didn't sit right with me. I think when you get that feeling of it feeling weird. How long has she been with him before this friend turned up? Over six months. Six months of dating, they moved in together. Things were great initially until just before Christmas so don't know when. Over six months.

I think for me the thing is like we've spoken about platonic relationships before and like maybe like a fine line not knowing about how we sit with it. But when you've been with someone for over six months and then out of nowhere, this friend, like, you're not close enough to need a relationship, that's my thought. I wouldn't be okay with it. And that's not if you've been with someone for over six months and then out of nowhere. And they weren't there and now they're back.

Yeah, like you didn't know who they were. Agree. Weird. If they're a good enough friend, they're there from the start. 100%. Agreed. Good point. Mm-hmm.

Okay, let's bear that in mind, guys. Mm-hmm. Okay. They were texting quite frequently and something just didn't sit quite right with me. We met up as couples for breakfast and then he was supposed to meet her again the following weekend for a dog walk. One morning morning I decided to go through his phone. I definitely don't agree with my actions. Let's never justify our actions.

You went through his phone because you got that feeling. I mean, you get that gut feeling, you need to find the evidence. Yeah, you do. And I don't think that's wrong. And like, I have an open, we have an open phone policy. I still don't remember his pin wrong. And... Like, I have an open po- I have- we have an open phone policy. I still don't remember his pin, but he will tell me if I want it.

And I'm saying, like, I'm just not very good at remembering numbers. Like, he's always said to me, I'll set you up a face ID. I'm like, I don't want- I just- I don't want to bother them. You know what, I've got to be honest.

I had it with my ex-boyfriend. I've got it now with the person that I'm dating. Never, ever felt the need to touch their phone. I don't know, I've not looked down my ex's phone. I, I, I haven't looked down my ex. I tried. I knew my ex boyfriend's pin, only because it was like the most basic pin ever.

I went to the other one, you're like, zero, zero, zero, zero. If anyone wants to check in and find out, there you go. No, but like, I have no desire. I have absolutely no idea where his pin is. Not because he's hiding it from me, but just because I... But you've not got that feeling. And that's what I mean.

I think if you've got that feeling... Go with it. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. No, I don't know why your actions, I think. He's giving you a reason to feel like that. Lo and behold, he was sending messages to her calling her beautiful. I just couldn't read any further and confronted him. That is not okay. I understand how you feel about not reading further because of stuff that I found once.

And it's like I've had a mental block because I cannot remember anything. And I think when you're so shocked and almost humiliated, you don't want to know anymore. You know, it's that you look, hoping you don't find anything, but then when you found something, you're like, oh, I can't look anymore. When you're like, I can't relate. I can't relate. I feel like I'm the kind of person, I'm like,

I need to know everything. Do you know what? I was like I'm the kind of person I'm like, I need to know everything. Do you know what? I was like that once we separated and I got onto his emails, but I wasn't like that when I wasn't ready to leave. That's when it is. That's why. Yeah. Carol. Yeah. I felt like that would sting. I feel like one thing seemed like dirty messages, Sonava like was like beautiful. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. He told me that he'd actually had a thing with her previously. Not okay. Not platonic them. Not platonic. Not okay. And that is why you felt that way. He had actually had a thing with her previously and some feelings had come back up when they

met, but nothing would happen. I left him and moved in temporarily with my parents as, although nothing happened, lying is something that just doesn't sit right with me. He begged for me to come back, cut her out of his life and promised me that he would never lie to me again so I decided to give him another chance. Six months later, things were back to normal again. And we had been looking to buy a place together. He said this was his way of showing me

how serious he was about me. And he did pretty much pay for everything. Three weeks after we move into our home, I get that horrible feeling in my stomach again. And again, I go to look at his phone. And I find more lies. Oh God. But what's worse, I find multiple

images of his work colleagues and friends' girlfriends naked. He has... What? What? Oh my god, what? He has used an AI tool to create photos and videos of them. What? So I don't know if they're actually naked, but he's like, created. Who knew you could do that? What's the what? Hang on, I've got to read this again. Wanking material. I find multiple images of his work colleagues and friends girlfriends naked. He has used an AI tool.

I'm a 3ASA. His friends girlfriends. He's sitting there like... Can you imagine like in your free time he's like on this app trying to... This... Whatever that AI is fucking creepy if you can do that. I don't know you could do that. I thought you spoke. I don't know what it is. I don't like this AI stuff, it scares me. He's using AI tool to create photos and videos of them. I felt physically sick. I generally think that it's just creepy and I'm not against porn and unsummoned. Men have fantasies, but surely this is crossing a line.

Oh, completely. Oh, so he just like finds pictures of people he likes and then like makes an AI. I don't understand. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is.

I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is. and men have fantasies, but surely this is crossing a line. Oh, completely. Oh, so he just like finds pictures of people he likes and then like makes an AI. I don't understand this. The fact that it's his friend's girlfriend, can you imagine?

You mean surely, can you? Imagine you found out like a guy had created an AI of you naked. This, I heard it somewhere, like, this is the danger, like, people can do this, and then like, make out it's real. Make out it's real, and like,

they'll be nude to be on the internet, and it's not you. I'd better be skinny. Make me skinny and choned. Right. Sorry, this is actually blowing my mind right now. When I confronted him, his response, was that all men do it. I don't know. I do, hon.

No, they fucking don't. Don't drag everyone down. Like, you write in if you've done this or if you've ever caught someone doing this, because this is the first time I've ever heard. I love that he was literally dragging the whole male population down with him. Like, who'll do it with me? And it's just a fantasy and nothing more but to be honest, I'm just horrified and I don't know if I can look at him in the same way. At the fuck it, I'd be like, oh. It's the fact it's people he knows.

Yeah, like are you now going to go on a double date with his friends and the girlfriends knowing that he's got fake naked photos of her on his phone that he uses as wanking material. I'd go and tell them. I'd be like, my boyfriend. Because I'd be more to know if I'm lying. Yeah, that is such a lie. That's a lie. Why do you lie all the time? I lie?

Everyone does it. And then? He's been using a fake Instagram account to access the photographs. I now feel very stuck and tricked into a situation as we have just gotten a mortgage together and it would be financially messy to get out but I also moved my daughter into this area for school and I don't want any of this to affect her either. Outside of all the above we get on well. As a couple, he's all the things I'd initially thought but he seems to have this side to him which doesn't understand appropriate boundaries around women. Please give me your thoughts on this.

I don't think it's ever personally too late to leave someone. There's always a way out. Yeah like yeah it's annoying, yeah it's maybe slightly financially messy but... That's weird I'm sorry that's a massive boundary front. Makes me uncomfortable. Well I just think that's what you found imagine no matter what you haven't found, sorry, not to put ideas in your head, but like, what next thing's it gonna be like? I'm gonna be the eye of your mom. Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Is that alright? Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! I'm not laughing more at your loss.

Oh dear. Like that is honestly, hearing that, can you what I thought? Like, oh but all men do it. I'm gonna ask my boyfriend if he's ever done that. I hope he hasn't. But I'm telling you now he hasn't. Can you imagine? Like yeah, why leave him? All you need next is a naked photo of your mum or your sister on his phone and he'll think, oh where's the line? There is no line because it's your friend's girlfriend. Like it's weird. That's disrespectful. I don't trust him. No. I would get rid and yeah, it's shit, but you'll get out. Sorry if that's not more helpful, but I'm slightly shocked by

now. What the fuck? I forgot the title name. So I hadn't clocked where that was going. Oh. Okay, this is called, advice, have I gone crazy? Probably not, but he's probably called you out. Right, hi Tash and Kylie, I found your podcast over the summer and have signed up to Patreon after becoming addicted. We love to hear it. I'm emailing in as I feel like I'm going crazy and have no backbone.

I can relate. I've been with my husband for nearly 17 years and we have three children together. Two of them have additional needs and are complex. Around two years ago, communication became an issue. He was unhappy at work and we found home life hard with our children having additional need. We didn't have much support with the kids at all. He started drinking more, which caused more rouse and I threw myself into work creating more distance. Summer 2023 we agreed to have couples therapy to help us get out of this rut. We went to two sessions and then I found out that he was having an emotional affair with someone at work. Another one. By seeing texts on his phone and that

he had been buying cannabis products off her for the past year What can I know us like turn of events? This totally floored me drugs of any kind and not tolerated by me and I cannot believe he would be this irresponsible When he had kids in the house some of the products looked like sweets I didn't want to continue therapy at this point because I was so angry and felt like this was it. Valid. It was so shocking and I think a year on I'm still shocked now. I'd really learned to trust him with my life after having years of thinking that no man could be trusted. He changed that for me. He was always known as that nice guy, the man everyone respected, the easygoing, trustworthy guy. Everyone does

still believe him to be this. After I confronted him, he said he didn't really see what the problem was. He hadn't had sex with a woman at work and he would get rid of the cannabis. There is nothing worse than being caught doing something wrong and then them playing it down and making out it's not a big deal. And like you're making it into a big deal and like your feelings aren't valid. I'd read messages between them where she told him to lie to me about the cannabis and hide it and where they had called each other pet names all the time and shared intimate conversations and even little things like listening to songs each other recommended all the while I was being

ignored or disrespected. I know some people won't agree that emotional affairs are actually affairs. Only the people that are doing the emotional affair will agree that it's not an affair. It is an affair. It is. But this cut deep and really hurt. He said that he felt trapped and restricted by the kids and that I left them with him all the time,

which was nowhere near true. So I felt like I was going crazy. He's just gaslighting you babe. He said that he didn't want to separate at this point. I said that if he stopped this thing with the woman at work and went to his own therapy we could maybe carry on and make this work again. He agreed. A couple of weeks later I found more messages between them, seemingly closer than ever. Only was, only she was under a different name in his phone.

Presumably so I would know it was her he was still talking to. Again, I confronted him and he said he was sorry she didn't mean anything, that I was crazy for acting like this because he doesn't even find her attractive. They just talk and I'm being a psycho. Oh, yeah. And I bet so many people listen to this are like, yeah, they're like nauseating and all with the psycho. But what I felt was that he really wanted me still. He wouldn't jeopardize that by doing this. He'd also given up after one session of his own therapy. So following the final

blow me and the kids left in November last year. His family disowned me and the kids straight away. His mum accused me of having the affair. Can't bear the annoying, enabling, stupid, sick mother-in-law. Yeah, but I think you sometimes have to remember you don't know what's being said the other sides unless yeah, sometimes stories are very much altered. I was absolutely broken. The rage I felt inside me was huge. Fast forward to January this year and the anger I had subsided and I was grieving the loss of our marriage and our family unit.

I couldn't believe that we weren't going to have any more family holidays or Christmases together. And the thought of me being close to another man made me want to vomit. I also missed the old us. So I began listening to our songs and watching old box sets that we liked. Big mistake, this obviously made me feel worse. All I could think about was him, what he was doing and why didn't he miss us and our little family. I tried to talk to him and wanted to get back together despite all the issues, pretty much begged him. He agreed to go back to our couples counsellor together to see

if we could prepare us. I was so anxious I really wanted to get back to what we used to have. We then began dating in March this year and going to couples therapy. It became very apparent that he was already seeing and sleeping with the other woman. He then lied about this to me in therapy but I had already seen the messages in his phone confirming it. The couple's therapist told us that him sleeping and seeing other women whilst we were separated was not actually infidelity even though it just felt like it. So I vowed to move on from it. I don't like that.

But yeah, a couple of therapy and you're trying to work on it, surely does not. I understand that it's in theory not infidelity because they're separated. I don't know, let's carry on. But then in August this year, following completion of the couple therapy, I found out that he had slept with this one woman once we were already back together in March. I was gutted. I remember so clearly the lies he told me on that night he was actually with her and how actually he blamed me for him needing the so-called space that evening. I've worked so much on myself in my own therapy and self-help books,

retreat. I've tried so hard to get back what we had and I feel like I've lost myself and my confidence since I found out in August about him sleeping with a woman in March. I've tried less. I've also recently found out that my mum has cancer and my granddad is also very poorly so my marriage woes seem stupid but still significant. I was beginning to trust him but I still make digs about the other woman if we argue. I know this is bad but I'm really trying hard and every time I feel like I'm getting there it's like another lie uncovered. I feel crazy when I'm with him. I love being with him when it's going well, of course, but I'm constantly thinking about the lies and other women or over analyzing if we argue. He says he wants to move in and that we can get past this,

but I'm literally torn with it all. Logically, I feel it's over and can't be repaired, but in my heart, I want to be what we had and I want to be a family with the kids and I want to grow old with him. Look, I wonder whether you feel differently hearing us read that out loud but it's very much like what we have said before. You are holding on to the idea of him, you're so fixated on getting the old you back, but he does, that's not a thing anymore. Like that's never going to happen because what you've gone through and what you've experienced with finding things out

and the lies and the infidelity and the cheating, that now being in your head and having it happen and being out in the open means that you're never ever going to go back. Like too much has happened as well. It sounds like where like there's been opportunities for him to tell the truth and like more and more things are uncovering.

Like let me tell you, compulsive liars don't change. And you know, you know what you know, I guarantee there's more that you don't know. And I think, yeah, I agree with Tash. I think you're holding on to the idea of this person, the idea of someone he could have been at one point, but he's not a real person. He doesn't exist. And you need to set yourself free from it. And I know that feels so impossible because your whole life ahead of you, all you've imagined is spending your life with him and you can't see it being any other way.

I guarantee you, you deserve so much more. You deserve respect and love and to be treated with kindness. And he can't give you that. Even just being on your own at least you're not constantly questioning yourself. Like the fact that you believe you're psycho, you're crazy, please know that you're not and please know that's so common when people are behaving this way is that's how they make themselves feel better and I know a lot of people listening to this

will certainly relate to having felt and been told those things, but... So he's not taking any accountability. I don't hear any room... It's all her fault. Yeah. I think sadly, and this is the truth, he's not gonna change,

and your relationship will never get back to what you're hoping it will be. So you can stay with him, but don't ever expect to get to a happy place with him. You need to go through that short term pain to come out the other side. At least leaving him, there's hope. There isn't any hope by staying with him, unfortunately. Nothing will change. You might have those few months of like, oh, I really think the things are good, but it's not real.

I think why, why, like do the list thing. Why do you want to be with him? What are however many qualities, good qualities? What are all the bad? Like. Yeah, but I bet the good qualities are actually a lot Not real life. from you thinking, like putting them on him.

Or what he could have been yeah point yeah i think you know that you need to get out of that i think that's why you wrote in as well yeah he won't stop messaging other women how original get a new plot hello i'd love to know your thoughts hello i'd love to know your thoughts and advice. I'm at the crossroads of having to make a decision to forgive or leave and start the journey to becoming co-parent. For context, I'm 34, he's 43. I've been together for coming up to 8 years and we have two children who are 5 and almost 1. Around 4 years ago I found messages on his phone to other women, some innocent, some

flirtatious and inappropriate. There was also a number of likes and loves on bikini pictures of other women and I also found confirmation emails of him joining dating sites. I chose to forgive and we went on to have another baby. A few months ago I found more messages, although the content was innocent, that I know of, it brought back a lot of feelings and hurt. This weekend I've found more. There are multiple girls and again the content isn't flirtatious or planning to meet up but I still feel very hurt. His view is that I'm being unfair asking him to stop speaking to these other women because there is no intention in it even though he knows it hurts me.

Am I being irrational? Am I crazy? I'm in shock. No. Hold on, hold on, hold on. He doesn't understand why she wants him to stop. Do you know what? Irrelevant of any of that.

The fact that he doesn't think he should stop, I think, says it all. I'm baffled. Colin? Just processing. Like, that's weird. Aside from everything and aside from like, just being a normal human being and knowing like that is wrong you're in a relationship you don't mess with other women is the fact you've expressed something that makes you uncomfortable and he hasn't validated that he hasn't understood it and he's not willing to make the changes for me that tells me everything you should be listening to he doesn't respect you he doesn't care how his actions are making you feel. I think to be in a good supportive relationship, you

need to be with someone who validates your feelings, who wants you to feel safe, who wants you to feel secure, who, you know, will change their behaviors and constantly want to work on themselves to become a better person, to become a better boyfriend, husband, whatever it is. He is not doing any of those things. You need to walk away. This man is not going to change. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Like, no. I don't care if it's not flirty. It is wrong. If it- Who's on the fucking dating site?

You're on the dating site as well. And I want all you women listening to this who have been made to feel crazy, I want you to say it with me, I am not crazy! I am not crazy! I am not a psycho! I am not a psycho! I am not mental! I am not mental!

Just with a gaslighting man. Ha ha! It's all on him! Yeah! Like, please, do not let these men feel you, like make you ever feel like the way you're feeling is invalid or like it's on you. They're projecting their awful disrespectful behavior. And do you know what?

Sometimes it gets to the point where I'm sick and sick of hearing it again and again because and look, it's not just men and there are women out there who do it too, but it actually really fucking triggers me. You know what else I think is sometimes scary? It can be done in ways that you don't really... Really manipulative. No, but a really not obvious... Aftsal, like, won't be using wires like crazy.

Like, I mean, I had it and I know that you did too, is when it's done in such a way where you do sit there and start questioning like, oh, maybe I am being unreadable. Am I being a bit over dramatic? Because I know I can be dramatic. So, and then the minute I caught myself, even in my last relationship, questioning things that actually I really strongly believe

to be valid and correct. And the minute you see it and your eyes are open, you'll see it more and more. And don't ignore it because it's just not acceptable in a relationship. Leave. Please. Okay, confession of the week. Are you ready? Do you know what? Sometimes I think, wow, we've got a lot of information. On this phone, okay, two years ago, I found out that I was pregnant with my partner who I'm actually still with. I didn't feel ready to have a baby. So I had an abortion and to this day she still doesn't know. I don't have the union for that.

Do you know what is the fact that they're still together? Do you know what I mean? That must be like eating her alive. And what if like they're at a point now where they'd like... I guess we don't know whether they've already got kids. I don't know. Okay, well that's a confession and a hall. Uh... Okay, affirmation.

Make sure you send your confessions in by the way. Affirmation out the way. I am not held back by fear, doubt or disappointment. I like that in regards to a lot of our stories. A lot of us are scared of leaving or scared of doing something and doubting ourselves because we're made to doubt ourselves and our actions and our emotions. So I am not held back by fear, doubt, discipline. Love that. Thank you so much guys. We hope you enjoyed it and we will see you again next week. See you next week.

Bye.