Not As We Planned - 61. Baby Loss Awareness Month

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

Trigger warning: we talk in detail about baby loss, having to deal with you partner going back to his ex in your darkest days and stalking your ex on social media Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what, just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable.

Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices? Er, nope. You're on your own there. Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals meals and more delivered right to your door on skip. Hey guys, hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged

story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the chatting and then we do our monthly Zooms where it's kind of just like a girls chat, isn't it? I actually feel like the last one we had was really nice because it's a lot more interactive. Yeah. It was like, it's getting more comfortable. Yeah, it was really nice actually. I did cry on it. Classic, clearly.

But yeah, so you don't just get the bonus episode, we also do that. Also, we're releasing our tickets to our event, which is fingers crossed January. It will be early next year regardless. And that's where the tickets will be put on first and then anything that's left will rip out to you guys. Shall we have a little catch up? Go on. I don't know whether to be all positive or going negative. Shall we have a little cat-shark? Yeah, go on.

I don't know whether to be all positive or going negative. Going negative, then we can get positive afterwards. Okay, I have had a shit fucking week with the kids. Me too. Is it a moon? Has it been a full moon? Do you know what? I wish I could play what I'm playing.

I bet you. No, no, no, it's just my kid, yes. It's just my kid. Mainly, Blake blessed his cotton socks. Do you know what? I really thought that having his diagnosis would make me more patient and calm. And I'd love to say that I had been those things,

but I actually think it's become very apparent. I can't remember if I've shared this or not. Going through all the research of him having ADHD, I 100% have ADHD. How I have gone 35 years not being aware now blows my mind. And now that I'm so aware of it, I feel like I'm struggling mentally even more. I am going through the process of getting assessed because I need medication. That's how much I've now realised it's a mental battle for me every single day. I think that's also what makes it so difficult for me with Blake because I can't regulate myself and how am I meant to help him regulate when I can't regulate? And it's just been, you know what,

all I can say is the last few days, I don't remember a day where I haven't yet not cried because I am related. I'm there sucking the life out of me. What I said to my children this morning. Yeah. And do you know what's really hard is I've now also seen since Rome has started full-time nursery, like in school, he's changed at home and I don't know if it's like separation anxiety so he's now trying to get attention from me. I feel like he's picking up behaviors of Blake and copying him. It might be his age, he's now not sleeping as well. The other night I

had seven wake-ups. I'm one person on my own managing three children at seven wake-ups. I'm running on about four hours of broken sleep a night. So I'm already waking up, even if they're well behaved, I'm already waking up broken. And then it's even just that two hours. What's the score from an interview? No, even those two hours of the morning school run, I'm losing my shit.

I don't really like the parent I'm being. And every day I'm like, it's a new day. I'm gonna be positive. And then- It's not moving my life. Is it? Are you just gonna repeat this after me? I'm being and every day I'm like it's a new day I'm gonna be positive and then and then being my life. Is that you just gonna repeat this after me? I cried every single day. That's quite rare do you? Like with your kids, I feel like your kids are quite good. We had a really good like period and I thought like there's something I I kid you not it's gradually been building the last couple of weeks. And I feel like I think there's something going on with Theo.

I think something's bothering him. And I don't think he's got the maturity or capability to articulate it. So I think it's bubbling out as all these emotions. And I'm really, really feeling it more so when he comes back from his dad, he came back livid on Sunday, something had happened, but you can't quite articulate it.

And then I'm also very wary that he's a very sensitive child, but he's also very protective of me. And I worry that he won't tell me what's going on because he doesn't wanna upset me. And yeah, when I tell you his behavior has been absolutely horrific. He's been lashing out, telling me every single day how much he hates me.

Although, it's like really like this, when I talk about Theo being like a fight, like just such a highly sensitive child, I feel like one of his main problems, not problems, but one of the main things I observe about him is his empathy and emotions are more advanced than him. So I don't feel like he has the mental capacity to understand it, but he feels really deeply. So we came into my room, we'd had a bad couple of days. And one of the rules in my house is like, you never go to bed, like upset with anyone,

we always resolve everything because like, it's just my biggest fear. I've always been told like my whole life, you never go to bed on an argument. And I'm really big, like even if I've shouted, and believe me, I have shouted this week, I have been shouty bloody mum. One of my rules is you apologize and I really want him to mimic what I want him to do.

But he came into my room and he was like, mommy, if I tell you that I hate you this week, just know that I'm only saying it because I'm angry and I don't hate you. I love you so much. I thought the maturity to be able to do that at five years old. And I was like, that really means a lot to me, thank you. And I said, and the same to you, even if you think I'm angry at you, I said, even when I'm angry at you, I still love you. And I think that's one of the fears as young children who can't quite articulate themselves, is they worry when you're angry, it means you don't love them.

Blakey's like very rejection sensitive. Mm-hmm. And I do sometimes worry that I do blurt things out that I then ask to his, I'm like, why you say that? But then I carry on because I cannot regulate myself. And then I worry that I'm like traumatizing my children or giving them some sort of like fucking childhood trauma.

Yeah. And it's so much pressure because I feel like that wasn't a thing when we were children. Like our parents didn't know that like, you know, there's all this pressure of this gentle parenting and you need to say this because if you do that, then that's going to make them really insecure when they're older. And then they're going to, yeah, they're going to search for that in a relationship. And I'm literally just like, Jesus Christ. I feel like Blake, the way he is sensitively, is quite similar to Theo.

I feel like his mind is a lot more mature than how sometimes he's able to really articulate it. So then I understand that him acting out and his behaviors are sometimes because I'm not quite understanding something that is bothering him that he can't express. But that's why I feel like I need to sort myself out because I feel like I'll parent better. I don't know, it's just been a very, very challenging week. And I feel like with all this going on, and it's no disrespect to him, because at the end of the day, if he's not there,

he's not there. But I don't know, I just feel like their dad gets the easy end of it all. Like I don't think that he has that emotional, I don't know. I feel like neither is an exhaustion either because they're getting that bigger period. Yeah. All right.

And I just feel like, you know, so I've had my kids for like five nights in a row, like it's been really slow and I had a night off last night and I was like buzzing. Oh my God, I'm going to get a full night's sleep without being woken up. I've got them back tonight. I'm not complaining. I'm a mom. I don't want them 50-50. I want them the amount that I've got them. But like,

wow, I've got to recoup for 24 whole hours. It's just a bit like, I want to be excited to have them back. And I am. Like, I miss them. But then the minute they're back, they're vile again. I do, I do think. I feel like a lot of people sometimes look at single parents and you can probably look at things like what I post like when I go away from my weekends away and think, God, hasn't she got it good? Like she gets to go away on these amazing weekends and like then she gets her lovely kids back and like it's so much easier because she gets that break from the kids.

Let me tell you now as a single parent, those breaks sometimes don't feel long enough. And without those breaks, I genuinely think I would be like having a mental breakdown. How people solo parent without any relief or any help blows my actual mind, like the mental strength that must take. Because honestly, like, for me, like, for those of you who have listened from the start, you'll know that was something I used to really, really struggle with was time away from my kids. God, I need that time now because I don't feel like I can give them the parent I want to be without that.

And even with that break, I often don't feel like I can do that because of the load of everything, because of the juggle. And I'm really, really feeling the pressure of everything at the moment. Like, I just get so stressed with like the how. There's always something, there's always a mess, there's always washing, there's always home, like I'm just... Do you know what else for me I think it is? I have a lot of my friends who are not single mums being like, oh god, like, if I'm like seeing them and I'm like, oh my friends who are not single moms being like, oh god, if I'm like seeing

them and I'm like, oh my god, it's my weekend, off this weekend, they're like, oh my god, you're so lucky. What I give, and don't get me wrong, I understand because when you are a parent in a relationship that's still with the dad, you don't get as much kid free time. But I always turn around to them and say, do you know what? I'm so grateful I have it. But I'm telling you now, I'd much rather be with my partner. I'd much rather not have that time when I'm on my own with them is so fucking hard that although that weekend break sounds amazing, I fucking need it. You need the help in the way. Yeah. I'd rather that no break and just have them the whole time with another partner. I saw

a thing on TikTok the other day and it was just like to all the single mommas out there, like remember, like we weren't designed to do this on our own. It is not a job for a one person to manage. So like be kinder to yourself and give yourself credit and realise like You do the job of two people. Yes. It's blind for two people. It's fucking hard. So like we need that kid free time but on a more positive note because I feel like we've just like... Before we go into... Go on. No just before we got into the positive let's be more negative. Just something so I've been really really struggling this week. I've been struggling with feeling like a shit mom. And I feel like when that's all happening and I've got other

stuff going on, my anxiety is really high. And my boyfriend sent me two books in the post. One about Ray, one called Raising Boys. So I'll let you know if there's anything good that comes out of that. Although I have to say I'm like 28 pages in and like there's this whole chapter about how important a dad's role is in the child's life between the ages. And you're like, oh, I'm a single mom. They live with me. Like, oh, I'm really going to like this book. And yeah, I'll let you know what I think of the books. They're both, I know I've already been asked. I'm like, give me a chance guys. I'm a single mom. I'm like 28 pages in. And sometimes you just need the

audible. But literally I was thinking about what color you're in more pressure to your life now. Literally sorry. Anyway, puns did. Yes, I feel like one thing that's actually been really, really nice, which I've obviously never had before since being a single mum, is having someone to bounce off of and vent to that is a single dad. Who gets it. Yeah, so it's been really nice to, although he obviously can't be there physically to help, it's just been really nice to actually vent to someone

without feeling judged because 100. He has three children as well, and they're a bit older, so I feel like he's been through it all and it's just really, it sounds like we're like dating the same person. And have got the same name. I know, how funny guys, our men have the same name.

I can't reveal your name now. I never will. Good, fantastic. Yeah, it's just been, do you know what, it's been my little like silver lining of like, just really noticing how it's really beneficial for me that I'm currently dating someone that, that, do you know what, it's like when we talk to other single moms or why we did this podcast, we've got our friends that can be there and support us, but unless they've been through it, they don't really get it. So dating

a single dad who's been through a lot of the same emotions it's just really nice. We were two last night. I had a massive outdown on the phone last night. No problem. Sometimes it's needed. Do you know what? And he always just, he said to me, look, he went, you've got to remember I've done this three times. And he said to me, look, he went, I've been through all of this. He went, but you're doing all of this for the first time still.

Cause I feel like the struggles I'm having are with Theo, my eldest. You're doing this all for the first time on your own. Like you literally have no support. And he's like, you just need to remember you did. Like every day he's told me like, what an amazing mom I am. And you know, sometimes you just need to remember you did like every day he's told me like what an amazing mom I am and you know sometimes you just need to hear that like yeah just I've I completely agree I genuinely I know everyone's different but for me being with

someone who's got kids and gets it is absolutely vital for me and my journey and it's funny because I was so the opposite but I guess like wherever you're in in that moment you feel like it's great for you. Yeah all you new posts that in. Generation. Yeah if we talk about positive stuff I did go to Rome this weekend. Did you like it? I loved it. Do you know what we got so lucky I saw her on TikTok this morning. The Trevi Fountain's been closed. I roamed it. They for three months for renovation. I feel like Nitya's always closed. I don't know, how many times can they fucking renovate that thing? We loved it.

Well, I will recommend it. So is my favorite. It's my favorite city break I've been on. We wouldn't go back. Yeah. We did like, we barely scratched the surface, but we only really had 24 hours and the Metro was on strike.

So it was fucked like like we were crying with laughter quite a lot the trip, just so many funny things happened. But it was, I always feel like we come back like in our little love bubble and like just really excited. We've got a lot of things happening soon and it's just very exciting.

I feel like, love that. Don't know, feel very, very safe, very secure and very happy. And it's possible very exciting. I feel like. You love that? Don't know, I feel very, very safe, very secure and very happy. And it's possible for anyone, eh? Absolutely, I'm not special. Amen. Guys, we loved our little green flag, bare minimum section.

So we thought that we would go through a few. Bill's safe to lose your shit and he calms you by just holding you as I crumble in his arms. Bare minimum. That's the bare minimum. Yeah, if you can't feel safe, he'll be yourself. Yeah, and look, you're a human, you're going to have emotions up and down over life. Yeah, because I think one of the biggest red flags for me is when you share how you're

feeling and it's all like defensive and deflective. Or like not validated. Taking you out for a date night regularly without being asked. What do we mean by regularly? Do you know what I feel like that is and should be a bare minimum? I feel like you should always date your partner no matter how long you've been with them. That's something I've realized we didn't have in our marriage. And I also think it's really easy also just to say to get lost in that in the early stages of having kids and stuff. It's hard sometimes to get childcare or if you're breastfeeding, you can't go out. I know when I was exclusively breastfeeding Rome, like,

he clusterfed from like six till 10 for months. So like, you know, I think it is also being aware that like date nights and making effort can be at home as well. So no, I do think that is a bare minimum. Making the bins out, bare minimum. If you think that's green. If you think that you're living with a man and I'm touching a bin. Hell no. I can't wait till that day that I take a bin out anymore. Yeah. He does come he does take my bins out actually when he comes in. When you've been murdered. Bins have

always been my thing. That is a man job. Sorry I I don't care. Yeah, it is a blue job. I don't care if people are like. Oh, this is interesting ones. That's the laundry. I feel like it should be a bare minimum of my ex. As my ex-husband, I had to use the washing machine. Sometimes I feel like it depends on like

the dynamic at home. If you're at home and he's working all day, then I do think it's quite fair for you to be doing the washing. So if he comes back after a day of work and does it too, I think that's a bit of a green flag. It depends. I know some people who like, they're like,

I do the washing, he does the cooking or whatever. Yeah, I think it's based on the dynamic. But I think as it's, generally speaking, I do the washing, he does the cooking or whatever. Yeah, I think it depends on the dynamic. But as it's, generally speaking, I think it's a bare minimum because you're not Cinderella. Gets all the kids dressed and fed in the morning so I can self care ahead of a day of home education. Yeah, very exciting. Yeah.

Definitely. Doesn't police what you wear, who you're with and how you spend your time. Bare minimum. Yeah, that's bare minimum. If someone like Eva... ...pleases what you wear... Stand there, turn around.

That's fucking controlling, red flag. Mm-hmm. Men who are not afraid or disgusted by period blood. Hmm. Men who are not afraid or disgusted by period blood. Don't know if that's a green flag or a band anyway. I just think... I think it's quite normal if someone's disgusted by it. Disgusted? I don't even know if that's the word. It depends what the context is.

If you're wiping it all over the walls, it's a little bit different to just being accepting you've got a period. Do you know what I mean? Like, where are we talking with this? That's just weird. It's a little bit different to just being accepting you've got a period. Do you know what I mean? Like, where are we talking with this? That's just weird. That's just a weird one. Strange.

Aww. He has ADHD and makes note of my likes, key dates, etc. so he doesn't forget things. That's really cute. Really, really cute. I like that. And doesn't forget things. That's really cute. Really, really cute. I like that. And it doesn't lie. God, that is where we sit now, God. We did it. We're not alright now, right?

We're not even going to mess this up. We're full of trauma. We're like a collection of humans full of absolute trauma. Changes the baby without being asked. Again Again bare minimum. Come on girls like... Your baby to feed me? Yeah! Yeah, I agree. Making a cup of tea for you every morning as soon as you wake up. Yeah, that's cute. Green flag.

Takes me away for my birthday. Yeah, that wouldn't be a bare minimum. I'm a green flag because I took him away from you. You are such a green flag. Green flag? This is one thing I'm really like. Having a great bond with your son since they met. Best stepdad. Oh, hold on, but is that a bare minimum? I don't know. I think like a bond is something we take for granted.

I feel like it's a lot. Obviously it's a massive green flag, but if they don't bond well with your child, then surely they're not right for you. Do you know what I mean? Right, yeah. Okay, should we say, that's all we do this week guys. Keep sending them in because I really enjoy it.

And I think it's actually really eye-opening in a worrying way. Like a lot of us have been through quite a lot of shit and you end up actually having quite low standards and expectations. I think that's quite dangerous. Yeah. If you're going to fall into the same patterns and habits in a new relationship, I think you should be setting your expectations and standards high. Like you are a queen or king if you're a man, but you should be setting your expectations. I always think with things like this, what would I want for my child when they grow up? Would I want them to think

that's a green flag or would I want them to like, would I want for my child when they grow up? Would I want them to think that's a green flag or would I want them to like, like would I want them to look at something that's bare minimum and be like, mom, I found this amazing relationship. And I'm like, yeah, amazing. Like, trust me. Yeah.

What? I mean, yeah. On my whole job, I'm like obsessed with it at the moment. I was up until like half 11. Is that light? For me. Pee-d Diddy, conspiracy. Oh my God.

Oh, what with Bieber and stuff. I'm obsessed. I've gone down rabbit holes guys and I've been seeing all these videos on TikTok. I don't recommend if you wanna actually. Your whole algorithm that now. My whole algorithm at the moment. My whole algorithm is that and also the hurricane in Florida.

Oh yeah, do you know what? It's actually really interesting to sometimes see your partners, what your partner's for you page is like on TikTok. I feel like it's very telling. I actually would really like people to send in like, what is your partner's algorithm on their for you page on TikTok? Mine at the moment is literally like women with ADHD. It's all I'm seeing at the moment. I feel like TikTok picks up it way sooner. Instagram. You're not on one video. It's the same thing. And now more like, this is how I got down the rabbit hole. If you watch one video for more than like 10 seconds, then your for you page is screwed.

But yeah, mine at the moment, like talking about like ADHD and it's called like, I can't remember what they said it's called, but it's people that feel the need to stay up really, really late because they're taking control back from your really busy day where you felt so like overwhelmed. So you end up going to bed really, really late because you, yeah, same. Going to bed like fucking 1 a.m. when my kids say sleep. Smart, Tash, smart. Okay, I'm gonna do this email because it is actually, is it Child Loss Awareness Month?

I think so. Pretty sure, and this one's raising awareness for child loss, so I feel like it's quite fitting and we should probably touch on it. Okay. I have followed you for a while now. I originally followed Carly's fitness page. A few of my friends have done classes.

I'm not really sure why I'm emailing you. Maybe in hope that you will spread awareness for women to trust their bodies and fight to keep their babies safe. I'm sure you have seen it's child loss awareness month. Not as you planned is kind of my life right now. This wasn't my plan. My plan wasn't to be feeling completely empty, heartbroken and struggling to just get through every day. My heart should be full. I have a really small following and I just want to raise awareness but I'm not sure how,

hence the email I'm sending you. Here is a small part of my story so we'll put a trigger warning on this one. Have you ever had a miscarriage? Hello, I'm not sure if this letter is necessary or helpful in any way. Maybe it's more therapeutic for me to get my thoughts out onto paper. My name is Jodie and I'm Audie's mum. I am also a mum to Darcy 10 and Macy 7. Taking you back to my pregnancies with the girls,

they were pretty much textbook. Darcy was slightly early but healthy and Macy was two weeks late. I did have Strep B but Macy entered the well quickly and Strep B 3. I guess what I'm trying to say is I know every pregnancy is different. I fell pregnant in November 2023 but sadly I had a miscarriage in January 2024. At this point I thought I would never feel a pain like it. My body failed me and I felt heartbroken, desperately craving to be a mum again. Fast forward to February 25th, 2024, this year. I finally plucked up the courage to

do a pregnancy test. I already knew I was pregnant. I like to think I'm quite in tune in my body. A part of me was petrified to do a test as I now knew being pregnant doesn't mean I would necessarily stay pregnant. One positive test later, I was going to do a test as I now knew being pregnant doesn't mean I would necessarily stay pregnant. One positive test later I was going to be a mum to quite possibly the most wanted baby on the planet. I felt worried but I took my pregnancy vitamins and life carried on as normal minus the morning sickness. We booked in for an early private scan and there on the screen was one little heartbeat.

Fast forward to our 12 week scam. I remember coming home with a huge line of baby scam photos and feeling ridiculously grateful. Maybe I took my pregnancies for granted with the girls as I had never miscarried before. Anyway, I was pregnant and made it to 12 weeks. I can't give you exact dates without checking my chart but I became unwell and my GP signed me off with flu, which transpired to be COVID. I was feeling quite unwell and the doctors sent me to Addenbrookes with a suspected blood clot on the lung. Funnily it wasn't and we came home the next day, but nevertheless I spent a good two weeks pretty much in bed and this is probably the start of bad luck coming my way.

During my pregnancy with Aldi I had constant urine infections, swollen hands and feet and I had really piled the pounds on. Headaches and nosebleeds, pins and needles in my arms, numb fingers and painful wrists. I wore splints in one of my pregnancies before and knew what carpal tunnel felt like. My feet and hands itched at night and felt painful first thing in the morning when I rolled myself out of bed, which was disgust of my GP or midwife. Like I said, without checking I can't give you exact dates but Aldi moved. I felt him kick and wriggle around, maybe not as much as the girls but nevertheless he moved. But one day he didn't and I had worked 10 hours that day. I was super busy so I thought

I might have just missed the movements and that night my head hit the pillar and I was fast asleep. I would normally feel him move when I laid in bed at night and finally relaxed but that night I was fast asleep. I would normally feel him move when I laid in bed at night and finally relax but that night I was exhausted and fell asleep pretty much instantly. The next morning I woke up and I didn't feel my baby move. Switching sides, having a cold drink, nothing. Jumped in the bath, nothing. I felt sick. I thought my baby had died and called the clinic in tears. I was told to come straight into the clinic, called it mother's instinct but I knew he wasn't well, something wasn't right and this didn't feel normal. They reached for the Doppler and we thankfully heard the fast heartbeat of our precious baby. I told the midwife this doesn't feel normal and explained how I felt. I was reassured

that there wasn't a problem. You shouldn't be concerned about the fact my baby wasn't moving as long as you felt him once a day. I had a urine sample done as I explained about my constant urine infections which resulted in the midwife telling me that my last infection showed I had traces of E. coli. Did I? I was never told this. I was sent home, no tracker, tracer, no scan and no concerns regarding the fact my once moving baby was now just lazy. This is where the guilt comes in. Why didn't I refuse to leave? Why didn't I book myself in for a private scan as soon as I left? Why didn't I turn up to the clinic every single day from then on? One thing I have learnt from this is I will never not trust my gut instinct again. I came home grateful that my baby was alive and counting down the weeks until I was 30 weeks when I should feel

my baby move in some sort of pattern and more than once a day, as that's what I was told, until 30 weeks and there weren't irregular movements. But he always moved more than once a day before this, so why wasn't I heard? Would things have been different if he was put on a tracker tracer and scanned? I don't know the answer to that, and I'm sure you don't know the answer to that either.

Maybe just maybe you could have picked something up. He could have been monitored closely, and if I had to give birth to a premature baby then he would have had a chance to fight for his life. Back to my next appointment with the midwife I explained how I felt and how the baby had hardly moved. I had a gut feeling something wasn't right. I asked the midwife if he could listen if we could listen to the heartbeat at the end of the appointment and the midwife couldn't find one. At that moment I felt like I was laying on that bed for eternity. The room was silent, but a different type of silent, one that I had never experienced before. That moment was probably the point that my living nightmare started. I live right opposite

the midwife's centre, so I was in the car straight away with my partner, who thankfully was working from home and rushed into the clinic again. They led me straight into the room and scanned me to reveal our baby had died. Heartbroken doesn't come close. This is soul shattering, a pain I couldn't describe if you gave me all the words in the world. How can a baby just die? How did I not notice my baby had died and he had no fluid in the sack? He apparently was dead for a few days, as we were told. When I asked about why didn't anyone listen to me, I knew something was wrong with my baby.

Can you please check him? I was told it's a gray area because I was a few days earlier than the legal requirement to do it more thorough checks. I get that the NHS is busy, short of staff, etc. But if someone is pleading for you to check their baby because you know something is wrong, do legal requirements really come into it where you could possibly save a life? How did I not notice? All my stomach prodding trying to wake up my lazy baby to get that one movement a day,

I was potentially just moving a dead baby around my stomach. So after all, maybe he wasn't just lazy and he actually was very unwell, like I knew in the bottom of my heart. Am I angry at the world? Yes. Am I angry at myself? Most definitely. Here comes the guilt again. Did my baby die because I kept waking up on my back? Did my baby die because my bath was possibly too hot? Did my baby die because I ate pate before I knew I was pregnant? Honestly I could write the list all day. The bottom line is my job was to keep all D safe and I couldn't and I didn't. Logically, I know that people drink, smoke and abuse their bodies whilst pregnant and still bring healthy babies into the world. In my case, I live a relatively boring life. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I have never

taken a drug. I guess I'm looking for answers but I know there is a chance I might not ever find them. Will an answer bring my baby back? Of course not. Will it give me closure? I don't know that either. Will it stop me from torturing myself? Maybe. Anyway, I went back into the hospital the next day to start my induction and the midwife I had for the day was incredible. She held me, cried with me and gave me some invaluable advice which I said daily to myself, but not always followed since. I can't speak highly enough of Tracy.

At 1.48 on the 21st of August I gave birth to my first son. The experience of giving birth to a baby that you do not get to go home with is the worst pain imaginable. Most people leave the hospital with a new life bundle to refresh clean car seat. We walked out with a memory box and the show was of two people we once knew that really is our reality. Besides the physical impact that giving birth to your baby has on your body, this has been the least of my problems. Mentally, it's a different subject altogether. Yes, every day I'm a little stronger, but the pain doesn't get less. I suppose I'm just learning to carry

it better. Yes, there's been dark days. I've punished myself on the eating and drinking and wishing to not wake up despite knowing I have so much to live for. This is the reality of child life. I know I'll never be the same person again. That person I once was was a part of how I died with him too. I know I have a lot more hurdles to get through. I need to lay my child to rest, which I'm sure you agree is something nobody should have to do. I'm not sure that I'm expecting from this letter to give you a small snippet of into my life and the effect that losing a baby has on another. If one person who reads this listens to a mum and goes an extra mile to keep her baby safe, then it's completely worth it. Something that stood out to me was the things that you started listing out about would it

a change had you, you know, not fallen asleep on your back, not eaten the pate, all of that. any relay. Obviously, I know it's very different because I didn't have to. I can't even imagine having to give birth to a stillborn, but I had a miscarriage. Rome was a twin. And I can really relate with the guilt because when I found out that Roan was a twin, I was blessed with twins again. So got used to the idea and thought whatever, financially we'll deal with it. Obviously meant for a slightly more challenging experience and then there was a heartbeat and then a few weeks later there wasn't. And the guilt consumes you because I genuinely believe that I had manifested for him to die because I wasn't grateful initially with the news. And you do punish yourself, but I am such a strong believer that babies that are not meant to come into the world don't come into the world for a reason. They may have been,

you know, they may not have been able to lead a life that you would have wanted them to. I don't know, I feel like it's a subject that maybe I don't want to offend anyone, but I just feel like, I don't know, I don't know how to explain it. Sometimes I believe that maybe babies are not strong enough to make it through the pregnancy and you'd rather that than see them suffer and not be able to lead a normal life and then not have a very long life. Like, look, there's no easy, you know, a child loss is child loss. Infant, like a young child dying, horrendous. Burying a child, can't even begin to fathom pain. But I guess I just sort of believe that sometimes these children do not end up being born because they wouldn't have survived anyway. And actually that situation was probably

kinder to them than trying to give them life that wouldn't have been good enough. Do you know what I mean? It's a very, very difficult subject and I know that a lot of people will have different opinions on it and I don't want to offend anyone. I'm not for a second ever saying that a child with real, real bad disabilities or ones that could never walk or talk or anything don't deserve life, they absolutely do. But I've also witnessed a friend of mine who lost a baby at one year's old and I'm sure she'd rather have had that year with her baby than not at all. But sometimes they just don't even make it through the pregnancy and it isn't fair and life isn't fair when you think about it like that. But I just don't want you to feel like it was something that you did. I feel like he obviously wasn't meant to come into the world. For what

reasons, I don't know. But you... Yeah. I do think what you're advocating for is so important. Like... Following your gut. Following your gut. I think there is something so powerful about a mother's instincts. You just, you just know. And, just know and whether that's to do with your birth or your pregnancy, I would always urge anyone to push and fight for things. Just an account for anyone who is going through some kind of grief. Someone who I followed long before this happened, her Instagram name is 3here1inmyheart. She actually had a stillbirth about a year ago. That makes me emotional.

She had three boys and it was her little girl. And she shares a really honest, raw, open account about grief and I think is quite humbling sometimes to read some of her posts. And I just think she could probably offer anyone struggling right now, just, you know, just like one of those people to be like, I get it and I hear you and I see you. So yeah, anyone you know who might be going through like going, her name's Helena, she's so lovely. Yeah. So, okay. This is called Advice Needed. Her name's Helena, she's so lovely. Yeah.

So, okay. This is called Advice Needed. Hi lovely ladies, just wanted to ask you for some advice on my situation. It's a bit of a long one, so I hope you're ready. I left my abusive ex-husband in 2019 following the death of my father. His death made me realize that life is too short

to stay in a shitty relationship, and so I packed up my three children and plucked up the courage to leave him. He was emotionally and financially abusive. He was only physically abusive a handful of times. He was an alcoholic, a cheat, and a liar. He missed the birth of our twins because he was too busy getting another woman pregnant.

I don't. No words, no words. It's the best decision I've ever made and I have no regrets. He completely crushed my self-worth and my ability to have trust in anybody. Three months after leaving him, I found someone new. This wasn't my intention, but the spark in chemistry and connection that we had was something

that I'd never felt before. He was also recently separated, and so we helped each other through our divorce and we were great supports to one another. Six months into our relationship and my best friend stumbled across his profile on a dating app. I was absolutely heartbroken and confronted him. He said it was a moment of weakness and was struggling with the breakdown of his marriage

and how fast our relationship had moved. I mean, you can be overwhelmed by how quickly your relationship is, you know, I'm not really sure why that means going on an app to find someone else to build another relationship. Like, communicate, like, use your words. Yeah. He apologized massively and although we took a couple of weeks away from each other, I decided this was what we wanted and we needed to move forward together. There are a few red flags that I stupidly ignored. He was very, very private with his phone, but always insisted it was his work phone

as well, that he needed to keep the files on his phone completely confidential. And so I accepted this and didn't think much more of it, although it was always a niggle in the back of my mind. The other red flag was his ex-wife. He failed to put boundaries in place and she had zero respect for our relationship. She would call and text him all the time, any time of the day and night and was a real nuisance. I respected his co-parenting relationship with her and didn't say much about it, but again, it was something that really bothered

me. We decided to introduce our children to the relationship and that came with its own struggles. His ex-wife was very toxic and admitted saying things to the children about me and my children to make things difficult. His children didn't respond to me and my children caused a lot of friction and arguments. We persevered and I put in the time and effort with his children and things did improve. Fast forward a year and I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I needed an urgent hysterectomy. I was absolutely devastated. Even though I knew I was done with children and I'm so blessed with the three beautiful children I had, I couldn't help but be devastated that the option of more children had been

taken away from me. We've had someone say that before and I can really understand that. There's a difference between making the decision and then knowing there is no choice anymore. And I think particularly as women that's like such a... It's like your purpose in life has been taken away. You look at like the natural instincts of humans. Yeah, and I hear Tareepa do. Yeah. Whilst I come to terms with the fact that I would never have any more children, I faced

a new fear, the fear of dying and leaving my three beautiful children with no mother, no family and an abusive father. This caused so much anxiety in my weeks leading up to my surgery that I almost had a complete mental breakdown. I wrote a will and put things in place for my children thinking that I wouldn't recover from the surgery. I wrote goodbye letters for my children and cards for special occasions like their 18th birthday and their wedding day in case I wasn't around. The surgery went well but the recovery was tough. I was in

a lot of pain and needed support. We made the decision that my partner would move in with me into my home to help me with the children and his children would spend three days a week with us. Three weeks into recovery and I found myself alone with my partner's phone. I found myself alone with my partner's phone. Well. I had an instinct to look at it and to my surprise, it wasn't locked. My gut instinct told me to read the messages between him and his ex-wife,

although I knew this was wrong and an invasion of his privacy. I had to do it for my own sanity. I scrolled through six weeks of messages and was really impressed to find nothing untoward. But then it hit, days and days worth of messages and was really impressed to find nothing untoward. But then it hit, days and days worth of messages that I felt were really inappropriate. There was nothing sexual in the messages, but instead, worse than that, they were emotional messages about how they deeply missed

each other and would always love each other and wish things could have been different. Once again, I was heartbroken. I confronted him about these messages he insisted that he'd been going through a really tough time with my cancer diagnosis. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. She's the one with cancer, you're finding it tough so you message your ex-wife. That's just not appropriate it's such a lack of respect. He was scared of losing me so I felt an emotional pull towards his ex-wife. It doesn't make any sense. Literally, you're a cunt. He insisted that he didn't still have feelings for her.

I say it then. And that he was just in an emotional state and he had had drink when he sent the messages. He also got quite defensive and said I'd invaded his privacy and made me feel like I was in the wrong. He said if I hadn't gone looking I would never have found the messages. Oh no shit Sherlock. Another this would be happening. If he hadn't sent the messages there wouldn't be any messages to find. Oh dear, I chose to forgive him but if I'm honest with myself I didn't forgive him. Over the next year things got quite bad with his kids again and I felt resentment towards him

that I rubbed off on the children. Every time his phone went off, I'd be filled with anxiety that it was his ex-wife trying to rekindle their relationship and he did nothing to reassure me. That for me is the biggest red flag. When they're not willing to give you the reassurance, when they're not showing any remorse, nothing, pig.

Will you just think, you'd like... You'd be more open with it. Everything to like reassure them. Yeah. Have my phone whenever you want, like let me add to it. Well he said it was a problem she looked in the first place who was never gonna do that. Summer 2024, after a family holiday, I asked him to leave.

I couldn't get over what he had done and I knew I needed therapy to work on my trauma from my marriage and work through my trust issues. Two weeks after we separated he made an offer on a house two streets away from his ex-wife. I was absolutely devastated. He said it was simply to be closer to his children. There's been communication between the two of us and he insists that he wants us to start again and try and work through things. He insists that I'm the love of his life and that we just need to go back to the start and try again. Looking back, I should never have rushed into a relationship after my marriage ended. I should have given myself time to heal.

So should he. It's now a couple of months down the line and I've had several therapy sessions. I'm working through my past traumas. I've joined the gym. I'm strong again. I've even signed up to a running marathon next year to raise money for cancer research. I'm just about to launch my new business. I feel like I'm finally getting my spark back. He still insists he wants us to

give it another go. Do I give him another chance and hope that we can start again with a clean slate and build on the amazing connection that we once had at the start? Or am I considering it because I'm just completely terrified of being on my own in my late 30s and never finding anyone else? I know I have a lot of love to give and I know I want to be in a committed relationship. I just don't know whether that's with him or whether I need a complete clean slate. Close the door on that chapter of my life and start all over again. You ladies are absolutely amazing. You have no idea the help that you've given me over the last few months. You've helped me in my darkest of days. Keep doing what you're doing, you truly are amazing. Oh my god, you sound like you have done so much work on yourself and you're, yeah, don't go

back, don't go backwards. There's been so many different situations in your... what, the newer relationship? Yeah, that are just red flags and, like, not being funny, it's probably sometimes better to hear it from other people, but he shows such an enormous lack of respect to you. When you were at your weakest, when you were recovering from surgery and he's doing that, and after your diagnosis, that's when they should be pulling their weight and giving you extra support and really trying to end up in life. Show some empathy towards the person you love. They're literally going through hell. I can only, I can't begin to imagine, like, the mental toll that takes on you as well.

Completely, like, the things about, like, having to write a goodbye letter to you. Do you like it? Like, you're thinking of that, doing all those things, while he's messaging his ex-wife. It's acceptable. I'm sorry, I don't trust him. I don't trust that he's gonna treat you with respect.

You sound like an amazing person who has fought some incredible battles. And I think you're stronger and you're gonna find even more strength to completely walk away. And I promise you, there are decent men out there. And one day when you're ready and you feel like you're ready,

gonna sweep you off your feet and treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. I think also there's another thing you said, like, do you go back? I think one of the reasons you'd be going back is because you're scared of being on your own. That's not a reason to go back to someone. The reason to go back to someone is because you've seen

they're doing the work, they're showing the remorse, they wanna, like, has he done the work that you've done? Don't waste those months of you working on yourself to go backwards. Face forward only, he's a waste of space. Thanks for writing in. Keep us updated. Okay, confession of the week, guys.

Okay. I keep stalking my ex on social media, but I'm now in a new relationship. Girl. The thing is, I think it's in this day and age with social media, if someone doesn't have like a private account, like it must be sometimes quite tempting. I can't relate because I haven't done it.

I maybe did it, actually I didn't, he's private. Maybe wanted to do it, but couldn't. But that was more when I wasn't. I have to be honest, I had absolutely zero interest in stalking. Yeah, but I think the difference is, is like I've never stalked my ex-husband because- That was a silly ex-up really. Yeah, I understand. And I've never stalked my ex-husband because... That was a silly ex-up really.

Yeah, I understand. And the thing is, I have been stalked. That's the thing, do you know what they say? No one watches you more than someone that either is jealous of you or hates you. Or is obsessed with you. Why are you so obsessed with me? I think it's quite normal for people to stalk the girlfriend rather than the ex. Look, I think you just need to try and hold yourself accountable and be like...

It's not getting you anything. I think someone who is watching their ex still has feelings for them in some way. There's something, whether it's jealousy, I don't know. I just think personally, in my opinion, if you're constantly watching someone who you're not with anymore It's weird. Don't do it Do you know what I love it's the people that I see watching my stories that don't follow me. Hi You also listen to the podcast apparently too True dude affirmation of the way. I feel like we need to maybe do something

Don't be a stalker. Why are you so obsessed with me? I just don't get it. Like, I do. I'm so, it's just weird. Worthy to watch. Affirmation of the week. So in relation to babyloss,

so it's I honor my grief and I allow myself to heal at my own pace. Yeah, I love that. Thank you guys for sending all your emails in. Sorry if it was a bit of an emotional one and you weren't planning on having a cry. I mean, I wasn't planning on having a cry. No, me neither. But yeah, guys, thank you so much. We love you and we will see you again next week. Bye.