Not As We Planned - 62. His Thumb Was Bigger Than His D***

Episode Date: October 31, 2024

We talk about if you would have kids with someone who only wants to have them for you not him, an update where he got two women pregnant at the SAME time and finding out you’re not only the other women once but TWICE! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, hi, you're listening to not as we planned so get ready for honest raw unfiltered unhinged story Where we share our advice opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing We want to point out we are not qualified professionals Although I feel the high am one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties Hi guys, welcome back to another episode and hola. Thank you for being here if you haven't already we would love for you to go and Hi guys welcome back to another episode. Hola. Thank you for being here. If you haven't already we would love for you to go and leave a review on Apple or follow us on Spotify, subscribe on YouTube and of course if you haven't

already go and check out that Patreon because you've got like what like over 20 episodes. Yeah. If you want to binge out, if you've hit rock bottom, if you want a bestie, if you want someone there for you going through it all. If you wanna have a bit of a laugh, if you wanna be a bit more nosy and find out things that we don't always share on here, that's where you need to go. Should we have a bit of a catch up? Yeah you go first. Oh wow I knew you were going to do that.

Put me under pressure. Sorry. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. Under pressure. What to share? Nothing, I'm in my happy girl era.

We're here for the happy girl. We're here for the happy girl era. I, do you know what, I'm gonna be honest, cause I'm such an honest person. I feel like I've maybe had my guard up for a bit. Mine's still up. I think that when you go through like a really, really difficult breakup, I'm always going to want to eventually be with someone because I'm a hopeless romantic. I feel like why shouldn't I deserve to be with someone? But I think when you've struggled

so much with that, it's very apparent that when you open yourself up to someone else, there is always going to be that risk of it happening again and it terrifies me. Fine. But it gets to a point where if you're gonna have a guard up and not allow someone in, then you're not gonna get the best out of it. So that's kind of where I'm at at the moment. Like you figured that out quite early.

I'm like, yeah, but I've done a lot of work and you were very proven at the beginning. You were broken and I'm not. No, like, do you know what I actually will say? I feel like I'm learning a lot about myself that I don't think I ever would have learned with someone else. So again, I've got a very different perspective

this time around. I think I've always been very intense with planning. Like this must happen and then that's gonna happen because that's gonna happen. And I don't know if this is because I'm more secure in myself and where I am. Maybe it's also because you're seeing someone who's already got kids, you don't feel that pressure

of I need to do all this so that we can have a baby before I'm this age. Absolutely. I mean, that has a massive, massive impact. But so yeah, that's me. I'm just sort of dealing with the challenges at home, but then it's really nice to have someone to kind of like offload to again. So yeah, that's me. about you honey so I am not too much really to report I have got something quite exciting and big and something that yeah coming up this weekend I haven't decided if I'm going to talk about it yet and if I do I'll share on patreon it's more it's gonna be a completely new experience.

I'm excited, I'm nervous. But also it's nice because I feel like it's gonna bring a lot of new opportunities. Hello. Watch this space. Watch this space. Love that. Should we crack on with some emails? Okay, this one stood out because it's's called I'd Do It For You. Or I'd Do It For You. What is it?

What? It doesn't always have to be so dirty can't it? No it doesn't. My god, I'm rubbing off on you. Are we ready? So gaslighting me. Hey you beautiful girls, love the pod and love the extra Patreon episode. Go sign up to everyone who's not on there, you're missing out. Right. She is right, I love that. Thank you. I'm hoping to get some advice about my boyfriend. Bit of a background story first. My boyfriend has been married before and has two children.

He still technically is married but in the divorce process. Me too. Relate. We started dating last year. No, I mean, like I was dating when I was going through a divorce. Like that's okay. We started dating last year and it ended in December 23

when he announced that he didn't want any more kids or marriage again. I kind of expected this comment because he has a really messy divorce and not being able to see the kids much due to his ex. It broke my heart though, because I was upfront and honest from the start saying I've always wanted to be a mother and a wife.

Yeah, that wild waste of time. Yeah, that's big. And they're big conversations you need to have quite early on because again, like wild waste of time. Absolutely. I think that I would never be put off by that conversation even like right at the get go. I'd rather know than be strong and all and then like say it wasn't going to go where we wanted it to go. I think that's a mistake that a lot of people make. I think people are like worried to like

be too much by putting it out there really early. So like, oh, what are you looking for? That they just like start seeing someone and then a few months down the line, they realised that person wasn't looking so anything serious. The thing is that the marriage scene can possibly possibly change. Obviously when me and my boyfriend met, we were really early on and we were both like, oh, I don't know if I'd ever get married again. But I'd say particularly more so him. Let's just say, he's changed his tune to marry me.

Yeah, and I think that's when you're still quite fresh out of a negative experience. But no, I mean more so when someone eventually is like, I'm not looking for anything serious. And I find that girls always think like, oh, I'll be the one to change his mind. It's like, if someone is not looking for anything serious, walk away. I think that conversation should always be had very early on. If you're someone who desperately wants kids and they're like, I don't want kids, listen to that.

Like you cannot change it. Yeah. Don't ignore what they're actually saying in black and white. Anyway, we stayed separated for three months. He was my best friend though, so we did continue to message occasionally. In December, I told him that I loved him and he said he was a slow burner and couldn't say it back. In March 24, I got a message when I was at a wedding from him saying I love you, I'm

sorry, I fucked up and I want to be with you. It took me a few days to process this but ultimately he's always been my soulmate and I obviously wanted him back. We met up and discussed the issue, why we ended last year and he said he couldn't deprive me of being a mother and it was cruel and said that I'd be an amazing wife so he was all in. We got to get back together on April 24 and it's been good so far. We have our down days like every couple and especially going through a divorce

as many of you girls can understand. I've always worried his past relationship might drive him to not want any kids or marriage again. Right now to the point, the other day we were discussing future plans, AKA house situation, etc. and he made a comment saying, I'd do it for you. I'd asked what he meant by that and he explained that he wouldn't choose to have any more kids

or marriage but he'd do it for me. He said if he started dating again he wouldn't date anyone who wanted those things. I don't know how I feel about this. Obviously it's a green flag that he'd do these things for me because I want to be a mother and a wife one day, but I'm feeling really anxious and red flag vibes that it's only for me and not because he wants it too. Ultimately, I don't want to force someone into something that they don't want just to keep me. I'm worried we will get to a stage in our relationship where he either change his mind and end it again or he'll resent me for making me do things that he

doesn't want to do. That's what I was thinking straight away, that resentment. His relationship before ended because he got no affection, attention, and they never did anything together as a couple anymore. They were never intimate. So I know he sometimes gets worried it would turn out like that if we had a child.

But I'm the most affectionate person ever and I tell him every day how much I love him and appreciate him. So I guess I'm hoping for advice and sort of your girl's opinions on whether this is a disaster waiting to happen or whether this is a green flag that he'd do anything for me because he loves me. Thanks girls, lots of love. One thing that stood out to me, the bit where you're saying that maybe he's worried that your relationship will turn into what his was like because of the children. And I can really understand The bit where you're saying that maybe he's worried that your relationship would turn into what his was like because of the children.

And I can really understand that because I think that maybe is why a lot of relationships, that second marriage where no kids are involved, thrives because you've always got that like, you've both already had your kids. Having kids is really challenging on a relationship, but I sort of feel like if he is holding on to that sort of like trauma or negative emotion, that's work that he needs to do, that he needs to be willing to work on. And if he's not, then it is a bit of a problem.

Do you know what I mean? What do you think? I agree and that, no one should do something for someone else because resentment can happen. And after some where his fears are coming from, I completely agree. Kids do change your relationship. I guess selfishly that's one reason I don't want to have any more kids. It's not selfish. You're up here.

Amongst other reasons, one of the reasons is I don't want our relationships to change. I always want us to have this quality time. And it does change. And maybe where he's only got that negative experience of that, that's what he's kind of like making the association with. I agree with Tash, he 100% has what to do. I understand your confusion about the, he'd do it for me, like how amazing,

like he doesn't necessarily want those things, but he loves you so much, he'd do it for you. I understand that feeling like a nice feeling but I do also worry and I would personally worry that he would then resent me, resent my child, resent I don't know. Can I say something with resentment? I think it's really cute when someone does something for you but I think more so like goes to a concert with you, he doesn't like it but someone used to go on his own. Like, marriage and kids, like that's like life changing. And I think that if you're on different pages,

then in theory you actually have different values. And I don't think I would ever want a child with someone that's doing it purely for me because it's fucking hard work. Yeah, so what comes with that? Cause he doesn't want a child, is he not going to be able to give it the love? It's not that, it would be more,

you do the nice, I don't want him anyway. Yeah. That's where that starts. I think if there's no willingness for him to work on that kind of like negative emotion, he's got attached to it, then I do personally think it's gonna be downhill. Yeah, if I'm being really blunt.

I wouldn't want a baby with someone that is only wanting it for me. I'd want a baby with someone who also wanted a baby. Yeah, for us. Yeah, keep us updated though. I know it's very hard walking away from someone that you love, but it sounds like you're on different pages. And great. Okay, we've got an update.

So it's in relation to two women pregnant, which we read a few weeks back and it was about how, yeah, do you remember they got two women pregnant at the same time at the Valentine's? Yes, because they gave him trouble. Yeah, so he was gonna hang out with this friend. Okay. Gave him trouble. Yeah, so he was going to hang out with this friend. Recently this came up. Oh, and she was like, why am I not enough?

Why is she going to be happy? Okay, amazing. Guys, really quickly, if you have had your story read out, give us an update. We are really invested. We want to hear what's going on. Did you take our advice? How are things going? So take our advice. How are things going?

So take our advice, what happened? Yeah. And why? Is it an I told you so situation? Right. Hi Bryce. Thank you so much for reading my story out and giving your advice.

I've had it on repeat and it has helped me so much. It has been just over nine weeks since you told me about sleeping with someone else and having another baby. And it is still constantly on my mind. I've been journaling, been counselling, walking and keeping busy to try and put all my focus onto me and the baby but I keep going over the same things over and over in my head. I'm still so hurt by what he has put me through and so worried that him and this other girl are together. I know that he wanted to come to the 20 week scan, however, I didn't feel comfortable with him being there after how he was at the dating scan so I told him that he couldn't go. I did send him videos

of a private one I had at 16 weeks at my mum because I felt like I needed new memories after what had happened at the first one. He did not acknowledge the videos for a week. He replied on his birthday saying thank you in that he would ideally like to meet me even if it was for a brew and squashies, my favourite sweets. I told him now and that he can't bribe me with sweets anymore. Weird. He has been checking in once a week and I eventually told him that for me to heal I need him to leave me alone and that I will contact him if he needs to know anything about the baby. If not I would let him know when the baby was born.

I mean that's great boundaries. I like that. He replied with a lengthy message saying that he was angry I sent him videos of the baby because I knew how much he wanted to be at the 20 week scan and that I was playing games. I just thought I was doing a nice thing. You are. He said he felt like he was just a sperm donor and that he wants to be involved in the naming of our baby.

He wants to see his baby on the day it's born and that if I do not discuss things with him he will have no choice but to prioritise his other baby due to work commitments. Sorry, what? He's not making his own little rules up in his head. Frick. He's a police officer and so is she. Good Lord. I do not want my baby to ever say I kept the dirt away from them, so I felt like I had no choice but to meet him. When we met, he said he wants to take the baby from 12 weeks old twice a week and have

it overnight. And if I'm breastfeeding, I will have to express. I told him I don't know how I will feel at the time and it will happen when I'm ready. He said I can't call all the shots and that he is the father. I just said that it will happen when I trust him and feel ready to give my baby up to him. I'm not sure where I stand legally on this, but I want the baby with me until it's in its own room. What are your thoughts? I think it's really hard, especially like breastfeeding stuff. I don't really know where the laws stand with it. I know obviously they put the baby's interests, like the child's interests first. And I feel like if you're breastfeeding, surely that's quite a complex. I'll be forced to express, but I didn't express.

I couldn't express well. You can't be forced. I did the bottle feeding. But I didn't express well. I'm sorry, hon, but you made your bed, so fucking deal with it. He also said that this was partly my fault that we were in this situation

and that I knew I could get pregnant. Ugh. Yeah, like, surely you know she can get pregnant too. You or Pete, like, you could get someone pregnant. Like, oh my god, he sounds like a child. Deep down, I've always wanted a baby and so I guess this was something that I wanted. My sister said something similar, that I ignored all the red flags from the beginning and if I'd got rid earlier I would not be here right now. I just didn't think she would be sleeping

with someone else and getting them pregnant too. I mean hindsight's a wonderful thing. That was the most unhelpful comment. Sorry that's pissed me off. Yeah it's really annoying. It's also completely pointless. Like it's already happened. They were both pregnant. Yeah. Yeah.

I have said he could be at the hospital when I'm in labour so he can see the baby on the day it's born. He also wants to ask work if he can have two sets of paternity leave within three weeks of each other for each baby. I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed for him. That's embarrassing. So embarrassing. Oh, can you imagine actually having to ask that?

Can I have paternity twice because I'm not a top two girls at the same time. Lad, like, ehh. Like, ahhh. Ick. He said he will be on standby for when the other girls goes into labour though and he would have to leave us when that happens. Will I want him in my house for that time? I said, when she has that baby, will you not see this baby? He

said that when he's back at work, he wants to spend two days a week at mine, two days a week at hers and then between shifts when he can. It just all sounds so messy and I'm not sure how it will work when the time actually comes. And my 20 week scan, the femur was measuring small so I have to go back next week for another scan. He wants to come to it and I'm really not sure what to do. What do you think? I'm worried about getting my belly out and potentially having to wriggle around. I'm also concerned he only wants to go so he can say he did everything whilst he did everything he could during my pregnancy when really I've done this all alone. Sorry

for the essay, there's just so much to digest. I personally wouldn't have him at any scan, in my opinion. Until that baby is born, the priority is you. Like him coming to any scans isn't going to benefit the baby. You're not stopping him from having a relationship with the baby. Do what makes you feel comfortable. I don't think he deserves to be there. This is my opinion, Carly might disagree. I would be doing it all on your own because you pretty much are anyway. He can't call the shots as and when he wants to.

Oh, and when the other baby is born, he needs to prioritize and make sure that he leads you to go to her. Fuck off, mate, jog on. Do the scans on your own. You've done right by saying that he can be at the birth. He's very lucky that you're a nice person, and then you need to find out,

you need to see once a baby is born, how you feel. Like you cannot start agreeing on two overnight stays once the baby's 12 weeks, when you haven't even had the baby yet, you don't know what it's gonna be like, you don't know how the baby's also gonna react to being away from you. I would not be promising anything.

I would not be saying yes to anything and I'd be going to the scans alone. Colin? I actually don't know. The first scan he went to, I remember in the first email, he wasn't present, he was busy on his phone. Then he accuses you for playing games when you actually sent him content of another scan. He doesn't deserve to be there.

I'm like thinking back, like my second pregnancy, I did, I think I did all, nearly all my scans alone, maybe one I didn't. Ref, that. Yeah, I think Tess is right. I think at the moment, the priority is you and your health. And I think as mothers carrying babies, we have to make sure we are in optimal health, both physically and mentally. And I think if that's also going to impact your mental health and cause you anxiety and cause it's worried, don't think that's good for the baby. Is the only person that's going to benefit by being at the scan is him? Yeah, I agree.

And it's not about him? I do agree. And then yeah, I agree. like things are going to be different when the baby's here. God, it's a really, really hard one. I would maybe try and seek some kind of legal advice as to what. Do you know what I mean? Like what? I cannot imagine, I cannot say, and I'm only speaking from my opinion because I have absolutely no idea the legalities, but I cannot imagine anyone in their right mind would say that it's okay to take a newborn away from his mother to see the dad for two weeks when he's also knocked up someone else.

I'm sorry. It's insinuating. No, I agree. I think I wouldn't even, do you know what? I think this is the sort of situation where it's a day at a time. You cannot predict how you're gonna feel. You've never been a mother before.

You don't even know what the birth is gonna be like. It's really unpredictable, like, what if you tell me... You might change your mind. You might not even be remotely fucking interested. Yeah, I wouldn't even worry about what you're gonna do yet. Just concentrate on your pregnancy and that's it at the moment. Keep us updated. Please.

Right, this one doesn't actually have a subject, but... You're lucky we're reading it. We like juicy subjects. Give us good subjects, guys. If you've emailed in and we haven't read yours out yet, that might be why. Although here I am reading my windows. Yeah, so no, we get a lot of the same, like cheating husband, trying to jazz it up. In other words, make your story better.

No, don't you? Okay, right. Hi ladies. I absolutely love your podcast. It helps me so much. I apologize in advance. This is a long one. I've had two turbulent relationships since I was 17 and I'm now 37. That resulted in my partners cheating on me. It led to me not having any self-worth, respect or trust in any man. I suffer with ADHD, which means I struggle with being alone and always felt that I needed a man and then accept bad behavior because of that. Maybe that's where I went wrong, unlike those ADHD. I decided to leave my children's dad. I'm a mum of two after ten years together to start a new life because he cheated on me numerous times, had addiction problems

and was terrible with money. He is also a compulsive liar. I spent six years working on myself and healing and decided to put myself out there again last year, resulting in meeting a guy who lives in Walled, online. I live in Kent. I don't know where that is, but who smothered me in messages and met me a few times whilst I was working in Liverpool.

He told me he was single and had three kids, one of which was a baby, was still almost one year old and she had tracked him into having another baby because the relationship was failing. On Easter Sunday last year, he contacted me to say he wasn't in fact single. And his fiance had found our messages and was devastated.

Oh, I'm not fucking surprised, like what a prick. She started hounding me online, being abusive, blaming me for what had happened. She wanted to know everything. I was in so deep with this guy and the things that he was saying to me and I didn't want to speak to her as that is what he had requested. He told me he wanted to be with me and he was going to his mum's to live in the box room. Okay. So you're specific.

Yeah. Like, wow, you're such a great man. You're going to go and choose the box room for me. We slept together four days after she found out about our messages. The following week she messaged me to say he was back in her bed and sent a picture of him sleeping next to her. That should have been the point I got out of the situation but he persisted to message me saying it was me he wanted and that he loved me. This went on for months on end. We stopped meeting but carried on communicating until August when he told me that it was me he wanted but that was his family and he needed to do the right thing and stay with her for the kids. She would threaten constantly that he wouldn't see the children too. In the end we agreed to end things and get on with our own lives. I decided it was probably a blessing in disguise as a man who would cheat is likely to do it yet.

So although he reassured me he'd never done anything like that before, I mean it is a blessing in disguise but I'm worried as to what's going to carry on him. Well it's quite a long email. Fast forward to April this year, again I've met a guy online, I don't know, God, who was going on a stag do abroad to the same place as me. We got chatting and when we went on holiday in May, we met and got on like a house on fire. We spoke every day before and every day since coming back and it always remains consistent. It felt so amazing to meet someone genuine and whose feelings

match mine. Why do I feel like this is about to go wrong? It's been a go wrong. He was so reassuring. I told him everything about my situation last year and he couldn't believe it. Oh darling, I know where this is going. My friend was cautious due to last year's ongoings and says you need to make sure he is single. Hey! What's going on now? He phoned me one night, so I thought this is great. He's not been sneaking. We spoke for two hours. He then says, I need to go now. I'm still sat in the car.

Like, yeah, I'm still sitting. Why are you just sat in the car? Alarm bells ring. I think hopefully it's not what I think it is. He said he lived alone and co-parents with his daughter's mum. The girls at age four and one, another baby again. He said he'd been split up for three and a half years and went on a family holiday together with their daughter that subsequently led to a one night. Which resulted in her falling pregnant with the baby. It all seems a bit farfetched to me. When we first started speaking he never mentioned that they then got back together. He then said two months in that he moved back in and gave things another go. He said he left when the baby was six months old, six months prior to meeting me. I questioned things a few times with his story as it had changed. He would send me pictures over the months

we had started speaking and I later realised that they were all from the house his ex lived in. I asked if he'd still been living there and he said no, just that he used to spend a lot of time there and easier when he had the girls. I knew they were split up from the early days of us talking because he would send me screenshots of their conversations, talking about arrangements with the girls. He did, however, take me to a wedding with him

at the beginning of July. As our relationship blossomed, it felt amazing to finally meet a man and feel so loved and content. it felt amazing to finally meet a man and feel so loved and content. As we progressed, I said I wanted to go to where he lives as he has always been to mine and met my friends and family and I wanted to start seeing his world so it would be better if he told his ex he had met someone as it would eventually get out. So in the July he told her about us and he said she didn't take it very well. He said she still has feelings for him and

then from there she was looking at me up online as well as her friends. I was going on holiday in August and he said that they were going to a festival with the kids together as it was pre-booked. I was fine with it as he had told me about her. He was honest and said she had made suggestions about taking the kids back to hers and asking his mum to have them so they could go back to the festival to enjoy it together. He said he wasn't going to do that and he didn't do it on the day. It happened as he made sure he called me when he got home. It was just hard for me being away from him and him spending time as a family with her, but I tried to be understanding. Before I went on holiday, I'd been me being away from him and him spending time as a family with her, but I tried to be understanding.

Before I went on holiday, I'd been an hour away from his house when I was going there for the first time when he phoned me to say he hadn't been completely honest and that he was psyched and that he didn't live on his own. He lived with his brother. I said that wasn't an issue to me. I was just upset that he wasn't honest. He said he'd only moved in a few weeks before to his brothers and I said, why would you not just tell me that? And he said he just felt embarrassed. I asked if we could get a hotel as his brother was meant to be working, but he was going to be there and he was having friends

over. Oh my god. I was reluctant to stay in the hotel as I wanted to see his living situation because I had anxieties after what happened to me last year. How did that feeling? I gave him an ultimatum and we went to the hotel but he said he would take me to his brother's house in the morning which he did. He was living there and had the baby caught in his room, etc. But there were bin bags everywhere, which made me think he hadn't been there long. He still persists that he had his own place before, but I'm convinced he was still living with his ex. I'm worried there may again have been an overlap. She constantly looks at my social media.

He won't post me on social media because he says she would kick off. This causes problems in our relationship as I'm now his girlfriend. He says she'll say I'll never be around the kids. He also won't speak to her or the kids in front of me. Is this normal as I speak to my ex and the kids in front of him?

I just feel confused as to whether he is now being honest about his situation with her and also when he met me. When I asked him he gets defensive. It has caused problems in our relationship recently as he seems he would rather upset me than upset her. When I stayed at his brother's with him a few weekends ago, he told me he had to go round to hers to get a plunger. This was after the night before her asking him where he was and adding me on Instagram and liking a picture of me and him on Facebook. I said multiple times, he needs to get some boundaries in place and the same thing happened. He went to get a plunger and ended up leaving me and his brothers

to go and see her. When he left there, he said that she'd basically been threatening to message me and say that he has financial issues and to tell me what he's really like. I feel like I'm trying to be there for him, but I worry I'll end up being completely lost again and that he will end up breaking things off because she makes his life too difficult. She threatens him all the time to not see the kids and posts on her social media that it's only been four months since they split up and that he won't let her go. My anxiety is worse than ever. I just don't know what to do. The situation last year has caused me so much trauma and I feel so scared to go through this again. I just want to be loved and meet someone with genuine intentions and I thought that was my boyfriend. I feel

that there's since been a lot of red flags and my friends are concerned that I'm going to get hurt again. I don't know what to do. I feel like how we were in the beginning is awesome. We were in love and connected but outside noise is ruining our relationship. She's actually also sent another email and update. I don't know if I want to give advice to them here. She's done something different of what I would say and what I was just thinking as you were reading that is honestly, if you were my friend, there's so many red flags there and so many worries. And I think as someone who understands going into a new relationship with traumas and worries, I think it's really important. Particularly, I think one of the challenging things is when

you are in a relationship with someone who's not with their ex-wife or ex-partner and there's kids involved, there is always going to have to be that communication. There's always going to be, they're always there. And I think what's really, really important is that you are made to feel like a priority and actually they are their child's mother or father, whatever way around it is. And I don't know to give you that reassurance, like my partner is very, I think where he's so aware of my issues, he's the most reassuring person. He's always like, if you ever want to read a message, like you can have my phone whenever you want. He's really great. Like if she ever calls, like say one of the kids has forgotten something, he always says, do you mind if I answer the call? Like he'll always do it around me. He

never does anything secretively. And I think it's his job really to make you feel reassured. I think the fact he's not really doing that and he's being quite wishy-washy with stuff and quite- There's just so many- There's just so many red flags. Do you know what stood out for me? The fact that you said your anxiety is so bad. You shouldn't have that in a relationship. Like they should be lifting you up or dragging you down.

I think that that is your body's way of literally telling you what you should be doing. I think you know deep down what you should be doing. I really, really understand that you're saying that the trauma that you went through in your last breakup, you don't wanna go through it again. I get that, that's where I am in a certain respect. Like I don't wanna go through it again, I don't want to go through it again,

but I'm willing to go through it to find my right person, but I won't put up with shit again. And I feel like you are based on fear and the longer you're with him and the deeper you get, you're already in it. Unfortunately, you're already going through it. You're already going through the pain. So end it while you can.

Should we click the update? If I was in that situation, and I was constantly on edge, I would have to walk away. Yeah. 100%. Right, update. Just an update on this. So on Sunday.

When's she send it? On the 9th. So this is... Hey, it's a Thursday. It's Thursday. It's Thursday. So on Sunday. Yeah, but she sent me an email today. So it's this week.

Yeah, so four days ago. Okay, yeah, that's... On Sunday, I had radio silence. After suffering extreme anxiety for weeks, I ended up having a panic attack and had to go to my mum. I said to her that he's up to something. He went to his ex's house for a birthday party for their daughter and I heard nothing all night.

Not okay. He had never not, he had never not messaged me goodnight in the whole six months of dating. He texted me at like 3 a.m. saying he had gone off to sleep and the heating had woken him up and he had his little girl in bed with him. I felt something was off. I asked him if we were still going on holiday for my birthday

and he said he wanted to, but he was just very stressed with his situation. As the day went on, I got more and more agitated, just wanting to know what on earth was going on. He eventually said he didn't want to go and that was that. I said to him I needed the truth so I messaged his ex asking to talk. She told me that they had been having sex for months. Oh, I want my bang off. God, say it's why I've trust issues. And whilst on the stag do, they had been sexting. She said, when I had gone for the weekend recently that he had sex with her the night before I went there, which explained why she

was kicking off when she found out I was staying at his. We spoke for three hours and suddenly everything made so much more sense. She told me she'd given him the ultimatum that if she found out that he was with me this weekend, she would tell me everything, which is why he bailed on the holiday. We are no longer going away. I feel devastated that he's lied to me and been sleeping with her. He's trying to win me back saying that he was trapped and that he only did it on the one occasion and that she held it against him, kept threatening to expose him. He's a liar. Which is why he was acting the way he was the past few weeks. What hurt is that she

said that he started sleeping with her when I went on holiday. She was also going away with her girl mates and I think he wanted to get in her head so that she didn't go elsewhere while she was away. He says he loves me and that now everything is out in the open, we can try again. I just don't think I'll ever be able to trust him now. It's so hard.

Oh my God, that's it. No. Please don't. Don't do it. No. He's in your person. He is not your person. This is not- I mean, we were saying no before that update. No. No. Like, please. Like- He was fucking two of you at the same time. There is no planet where that is. The way that he's like, now that everything's out in the open, we can be great again. What? It's all based on lies. No. No. No. Didn't like him anyway. No, absolutely not. Please keep us updated about this. End it. End it. Honestly, I just think it is the biggest ick when these men... It's the way that he was like happy it was out in the open.

Talking of icks... Put it on email. With an ick. Oh, go on. It's actually called the worst ick. A grown man sucking his thumb. Oh no. Oh my god, I just realised an ick.

My ex used to suck his thumb, but only when he wanted to sleep. No. How'd you wake up in the night? You roll over. Oh my god. So funny writing this. 20 years old and we'd literally be intimate. He'd roll off me and stick his thumb in his mouth. Some men smoke after sex. He referred to toddlerhood. Absolutely gross. Didn't help that his thumb was bigger than his dick. Oh my god that is hilarious! I feel free. Oh, my God. That is... I don't know what has made me think of this. I probably will take this out, but... Or we can keep it in. I feel like there was a big thing about social media, sorry, I don't know how that has turned into this

because what I'm about to talk about isn't sexual or anything so maybe it's actually really wrong. But what age do you think, so I was thinking about like kids sucking their thumb because like my kids like suck their fingers, their thumbs, whatever, and what age do you stop that? But what age do you think is like right or ever? That or maybe you don't have to stop

kissing your child on the lips? Wasn't there that controversy? Like, who was it? Was it David Beckham with Harper? It's not a sexual thing. Obviously it's not, but like, how would you feel if your boyfriend kissed his mom on the lips? Like, bye mom.

It's probably quite weird. I've never heard of that. I've never thought about it. So at what point does it stop? Cause obviously right now, my eldest kids are nearly seven and obviously I kissed him on the lip. When does that stop and does it stop and at what? Does it stop? Do you know what I mean? If my boyfriend,

partner, husband, if I saw him kiss his mum or dad on the lips, that would give me the ick. Yeah. Maybe it's when they get to an age where they're kissing other people. I don't know. I don't know. It's weird, isn't it? I'm really intrigued as to if anyone that has like teenage children at what age and is it different with girls and boys, like sons and daughters, because for me I'm like, I don't ever want my kids just to start kissing me on the lip. But then when I think about a partner of mine kissing his mum and dad on the lips, I'm like, hell to the lot.

What the better is when they start becoming romantically involved with other people and kissing means something a little bit different. But I'm sure you do get some of those men that still kiss mummy on the lip. You do, there was that thing wasn't there with Samantha Fears' movie, yeah, kissing on the lip. That was it. That's what I was thinking of Oh, not David Beckham. Yes, no, vile.

Sorry, absolute ick. The way it was all done was just... Rrrr. Yeah. Yeah, she snogged him. Yeah. Yeah, gross. Anyway, should we do a confession of the week?

I kissed my mother on the lips. I love to kiss my mother. Ha ha ha. Confession of the lips. I love, it's my mother. Profession of the week. I air-tagged my child when he went with his dad as he was holding information. He did find it though. Oh my god. Did it make a beep? I'm sure it makes like a beep when it's near like a phone that is not connected to us.

I thought it made a beep on the phone rather than the air. I know the air had a dustbin like it goes. Oh my God. I mean, understandable. I wanna know what happened once you got a call. Because it's like that truss thing. Yeah. Oh dear.

Right, let's do it. Affirmation of the week. Okay. Affirmation of the week. Okay. Affirmation of the week. Never base your decision on fear. Don't run with something and go with it just because you're scared of the unknown. Yeah. Like honestly, I feel like in that situation with that woman, when you leave a toxic relationship or leave something, there's hope. Staying, there isn't any. And I feel like basing a

decision about staying based on fear is just never gonna go well. So anyway, thank you guys as always for all your emails. Make good choices. Yes, make good choices and we will see you again next week. Bye.