Not As We Planned - 65. I Knew He Was Proposing

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

An email that has us disagreeing with the outcome, having someone leave you and blaming it on your weight, how to find hope on dating apps and a confession about a proposal!!!  Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Interior Chinatown is an all-new series based on the best-selling novel by Charles Yu about a struggling Asian actor who gets a bigger part than he expected when he witnesses a crime in Chinatown. Streaming November 19th only on Disney+. Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello, everybody. Hello, that sounded like an old TV show, like a news, like, hello everyone,

and you were listening to, you and your last wave, you were live on Nud as we Plan. What have you not planned today? Everything. This weather. Hi everyone, hope you're good. Remember as always, if you're not yet on Patreon, the chat is wild at the moment. Yeah, do you know what is so nice? I actually wanted to touch on this because I think it's really special. We spoke a bit about, we had an email. We had a couple of emails. We've had a couple of emails now

about domestic violence. And one thing that really stood out to me is the support on Patreon chat. A lot of people have obviously actually experienced through it. It's a lot more common than we think, but it's not spoken about, is it? And just seeing the support that strangers are like coming forward and giving advice and wanting to speak to that. I don't know, there's just something really special about it. So we do have some Patreon members

that are probably silent followers, don't really chat much, but probably having that chat to read advice and opinions and everything, I just think is a really nice support network. So powerful. It's not just about listening to another episode, it is having that extra support. It is, it's more of a community, isn't it? Yeah.

It's definitely like, and as well, we have in our Patreon chat released the date of our event. So exciting. Patreon chat released the date of our event. So they're already arranging with other people in there who they don't know. Like, he can travel. He can travel. It's so cute and that's what we want. Like it is a real community.

And if you are wanting to come to the event, there are going to be limited tickets and Patreon will get priority. So if you want to go, it might be your time to join Patreon. But anyway, should we have a little cat and cat? What week babe? I've, I'm on a bit of a high. It's a positive week for Carly. I've been away for a surprise birthday, pre birthday weekend. And my birthday weekend this weekend coming and it falls when I've got the kids. So yeah, I don't have the words. Basically my boyfriend wanted to take me away on a surprise trip. He gave me two options. He said I could either go on a city break or like the most random

destination. So I chose random destination because I feel like that's more exciting. And he took me to like the most random place in Spain but we went, the main day we were there, we went to this basically desert island and it just didn't feel real. Like it was incredible. I don't know, I've just been really reflective. Like I know I've mentioned it before but like two years ago on my birthday I didn't get a birthday card and like and now I've got someone who's literally put so much thought into something to make something special for me. And just let the consideration, there were little things he did over the weekend where I was just like, I just feel really lucky.

I feel really grateful. And it's like what we said in previous episodes like I don't know I'm just at a point where I'm so glad I've been through everything I've been through because it's got me to where I am now and I'm just like in such a nice place in my relationship I feel safe I feel secure and actually I think what I've realized is I've never really like had that. I've always, I think you realize a lot when you come out of a relationship and especially when you're doing, I feel like I've been doing a lot of work to really just grow and I've just realised like how toxic and un... what's the word I'm looking for? Like I just didn't get anything from my marriage. I don't know what we brought

to each other. We were so different and I do think a lot of it has to do with getting into a relationship when I was a lot younger and I didn't know these things but yeah I'm just in a good headspace again like other things have been going on this week and I feel like before I might have let those affect my headspace and I'm just so much better at holding boundaries and lowering expectations again to fit situations that are going on. Yeah, I just feel like I'm doing pretty damn good at the moment. So, I'm here for it. Nice. One thing I did want to talk about because we spoke about it a few weeks ago, like, do you remember we had that really awful week where like our kids were just,

they're awful. They're awful. We were hoping it was the moon. We were praying. Well, I've kind of taken some accountability for recognizing patterns in my kids' behavior. And I think one of the things I find really hard is where our job and what we do,

and both my jobs actually involve a lot of time for me on my phone, on my laptop, like, because it's all here. And I think that's really hard to, I don't know, be more strict with what's work and what's not. I think there's a really fine line. But I saw this reel and it's really like, like just made me stop and think. But it was basically a man saying how when you've got your phone and say you're with someone in the room and you're fine, you're having dinner with them and your phone is there and you're checking it or whatever, you're not making the other people with you feel like they're the most important thing in the room. And if you're with your kids and you're doing that, even though you're not verbally saying it, you're sending a subliminal message to your children

to say you're not necessarily the most important thing. So I've really been making time to put my phone in another room and spend proper quality time with my kids. And what I've noticed is their behavior is better. And I've noticed is there's their behaviours better and I'm wondering whether sometimes when their negative behaviour comes from they're actually trying to get the attention from me because I'm working, I'm busy, I'm cleaning or whatever it is. So yeah, I've just been, this week I've really been making an effort. The phone goes in the other room. We, like literally yesterday, we did puzzles for about two hours and I had a really nice time and my kids behaving yesterday

Like I put them to bed and I was like, you know, sometimes you get those evenings You're like I kind of don't want them to go to bed. Like I've just had this I can't believe Okay, well, maybe it's me but I just had such a nice evening. I was just feeling I don't know I guess I've just I think it's really easy as parents to be like, oh, they're just playing out, they're doing this. But I kind of like, I think particularly being a single parent, I really want to make sure I'm doing a good job. And sometimes I can be less patient and snap more. And I've just... I think where I'm taking like the accountability in my romantic relationship, I kind of wanted

to do that with the kids. I do understand. And feed into it. See, it's just something I'm doing at the moment and honestly, I've only been doing it for a few days where I've been strict with it, but the difference in my kids is wild. I don't think that's a coincidence. It's something I'm going to keep doing. Yeah.

No, I get what you mean by that. I think that I have spoken briefly about the fact that I feel really triggered by Blake's behaviour and I know afterwards in hindsight, if I did that and if I did that, then maybe it would have squashed that a bit more. So I'm at that stage where I'm sort of reflecting on it and knowing what I should have done, but I can't quite put it in place yet because I'm so... But I'm noticing the things that would normally trigger me just aren't happening because they're preoccupied and we're doing something together. I feel like when they're more likely to fight or hit each other or do something and I'm wondering are they just doing that to get attention or are they bored? Do they need more of me?

So it is a constant juggle. Don't get me wrong, I've had to say to myself this week, Kylie, it doesn't matter if the house isn't spotless right now, this needs to be the priority this week. And it's really like when you're a single parent and you're juggling all that stuff, something's got to give. Yeah, yeah, you can't have the really tidy having all your work done. I actually saw a really interesting thing on TikTok and it said like the three things in like that,

sort of like not important in life because children didn't come into it, but it was like as an adult, career, physical health, and relationship. And they said that you cannot put 100% into all three. And at some point in your life, as in like the wave of your life, one will always have to be less of a priority. If you're putting all your attention and your love

and concentration into your career and your relationship, then you're probably not going to be at the gym as much, not going to be on your food as much. They were pretty much saying that. Just saying that to see where my marriage went wrong. I was down there. They were just saying like those three things. It is actually impossible to put all your effort and time into all three and it's going to fluctuate throughout life.

Sometimes you might take a step back a bit and put in as much effort into the job because you need to concentrate more on your physical health and your relationship. I don't know, it's quite interesting because I was like, it is true. We put so much pressure on ourselves. I know I do, I'm like, right, today, I'm gonna be really productive.

Not only am I gonna get all my work done, but I'm also gonna go to the gym, get my 10,000 steps in, and I'm gonna make sure I tidy the house, and I've got to do the school run and then I've got to be present with the kids and do their homework and it's like it's not really slow down like you have literally set yourself up to fail before the day is even started because that is actually not all possible to do. Well when

I was a teacher and we were doing things like training program projects we used to have to set goals and they're called smarter goals and that is being specific with your goals but also making them like realistic and achievable and it's like why has that gone out the window now with adults? Like I've honed in on it for so many years about when you're setting goals that should be this, this, this, this and then I'm like, but literally, you're literally setting yourself up to fail. You can't do all those things. So yeah, I'm being a bit kinder to myself and just being like, well, that will give today, that will be tomorrow's job or whatever it is.

And actually, I had a bit of an interesting chat with Theo this week about, he says something, he goes, mommy, you do it all on your own. Like daddy has someone to help him. And I was like, wow. I was like, that is true. And he was like, what about I, he goes, I have a brilliant idea. What about if I help you more?

And I was like, oh, that would be really like, and so like they do like they clear up after themselves every single meal time now. That's just the standard thing I've made in my house. But they've been really, really helpful this week. And look, it will fluctuate. I know that standard thing I've made in my house but they've been really really helpful this week. Look it will fluctuate I know that again I've mentioned it before this week we've had no TV on. None really. Jo it's interesting I actually came up with that people might disagree with this and I haven't actually started it yet but we were

talking in the car me Blake and Ivy I said to them because they actually spoke about something to do with pocket money because Ivy lost her tooth and she was saying how like, because I always like to try and explain to them about like, do you know how mommy has these things feel, that thing feel and I really explained about having to work and really want them to understand like, they are very lucky, they get a lot of things gifted for my work and I do sometimes explain to them like, we're going to do work for this, they know exactly why we're doing it, it's for advertising and then I do give it away. I don't keep all of it and I don't want my kids to think that toys are just flooding in every

week. So anyway, we're having this conversation about pocket money and they were and Blake said how do children get money until they're old enough to work? And I was like that's a really good question. I was like how about we start doing chores or doing things and I'll give you pocket money and they were so excited by it and then maybe wrongly I was like and you know what guys if you start staying in your beds I'm gonna give you money so I started driving my children to sleep I'm like I'm desperate I just had my bed there literally last night because Cause I've had, do you remember I said, Theo was so good staying in his bed all night.

And then like, I think it was when we had slightly longer apart and then that night Theo really needed me. So I started coming in and then I just fell back in the habit of letting him come in. And now it's been like a month and he's been in my bed every night and getting booted in the head and my sleep's gone down on her. So last night I said to him, I was like, look darling,

mommy's broken. Mommy can't have any more nights with like this, we're gonna try and do the bed. And I'll show you on my laptop, I made them little nude star charts and I've set them specific things that I want them to work out. So Theo's is staying in his bed all night

and also brushing his teeth without having like epic meltdowns. That's another story. Do you know what though? Like then I thought to myself, so Blake was like, oh, so if make our beds, will you give us money? And I was like, well, no, because you already do that. And he's like, no, I'll give you.

And then I thought, oh, God, have I really set myself up? I think you just need to come up with like a chart is this much for this, this much for this. What I said, so he was like, so every time I do something, when you give me money, I was like, no, I'm going to set like five challenges for the week. And if you complete them all, then you're going to get a pound at the end of the week or something. At one point he was like so if I make my bed will I get five pounds? I was like huh you need to be gross. Like I'm trying to like teach you value of money and maybe help around the house we're not

gonna. I like the motivation for it though. I mean I was quite moved that he was like also how do kids make money? Right I do. Like business minded Blake. But anyway, yeah, my week, I haven't really got anything to report. I'm actually going away for the weekend tomorrow. So I'm excited about that. Like it's gonna be like our first like little weekend away. We get to spend quite a bit of time together, but we don't as often as we like get days together because his

structure with his kids is quite a bit different to the norm. So yeah, we take it when you can. Absolutely. So Friday to Sunday we're going to Norfolk and I put like a little box on my Instagram stories last night and I didn't realize my geography so bad, I didn't realize how big Norfolk was, so I just thought I'll just stay in Norfolk and I'll get loads of places. And then literally like some of these places are like an hour and a half away where we're staying. So then I replied to all the people that said that they could help, told them the area. So it looks like we're going to have like lots of to do. And the weather's dry. So that is all. I'm going away this weekend

too. Where are you going to work? Kids. We're just liking them away. We're going to the Bell Free Hotel. It's like a family hotel, couple of hours away. We're going to the Bell Free Hotel. It's like a family hotel couple of hours away. We were meant to go in half term. Oh yeah, I haven't done this update have I? Bloody hell. Oh, we had a great half term. Ham foot and mouth. Sunday to Sunday. We were stuck. Had you cleared your avoidant? He hasn't got it. He's the most immune kid ever. Like his best friends have had all the sickness and stuff. He's never got anything. I don Like his best friends have had all the sickness and stuff.

He's never got anything. I don't know if that kid's made or something else, but yeah. Milo managed to like reschedule her and go well another day. Yeah, so Milo had hand foot and mouth. And obviously it was highly contagious. It was, yeah, it was really sad actually, because we had plans for half term. I felt really bad on Theo that we couldn't do anything.

We had a couple of pajama days. We did get like quite a lot of time together, but I'm not gonna lie, like I was losing my mind a little bit, but I had cabin V though. It was a lot. And now they're back to nursery. But yeah, we were meant to go away. We were actually gonna go, me and my boyfriend are gonna take all our kids and go away for the night

to this hotel, but we had disease. So yeah, I'm just gonna take the kids this weekend. He can't come, cause he's actually gonna work through it. But I thought I'd just sit out and I'll let you guys know if it's meant to be a good family hotel. So we're gonna do that. The kids are really excited. It's got an amazing swim and pull loads on for the kids.

So, cute. Yeah, it'll be not nothing off that should we crack on with some email guys do it can't believe i'm saying this what does the fairy tale exist all the way from australia oh wow dan and darlinda hi tess and carly first he loved the podcast i wait each week for the episode to drop and love the extra episodes on patreon all the way from Australia. Did not know we were hitting there. You're pretty cool. That's pretty awesome. Isn't that cool? Yeah. Your podcast has made me realise how I am not alone and what I went through with the breakdown and my marriage and we are all in this together. The background is I found out my husband of 10 years together for 15 had been

having an affair for over 2 years when our youngest daughter was 8 months old. Yes, he was having an affair when we planned and conceived our youngest of 3 daughters. It was a normal Thursday when I had discovered the laptop and found messages that led to discovering everything. Funnily enough, it wasn't anyone from work, but a random stranger he met on the train years earlier. He had been living a double life, leaving me at home with the children, working shift work and running the home to carry on an affair with her for years, planning and trying for a baby with her, even going to an infertility specialist with her as she had endometriosis and was struggling to fall pregnant. Okay. No. What the fuck?

All this time, we were the perfect family, Nice house, in a great suburb, three beautiful young daughters. I knew he wasn't happy, but he had seen doctors and gone to therapy for depression, so I put it all down to this and encouraged him to take more time for himself. All this still was giving him more time to carry on the affair. I kicked him out that day and ended the marriage, moving through the separation process quickly, mediation, selling the house and working out a parenting agreement. Good for you, Ben.

Wow. I need your help. This is still ongoing and dealing with a narcissist is draining. This was just over a year ago and with the help of family and incredible friends in your podcast, I'm actually doing amazing. I've healed a lot and had to glow up, feel amazing and strong. I know I'm so much better off without him. He's really shown his true colors and I want to ensure anyone else out there that hears this, that's in those early stages knows just keep going one day at a time. It does get better. I'm thriving and so are my children. Oh, I just got goosebumps. We love a bit of life for the two vibes. Yeah.

What I would love to ask about is dating. I've been dipping my toe back into the dating scene and it's wild. I've met a lovely man, not through the apps, who on paper is perfect. No red flags, ticks all the boxes. So considerate and thoughtful. It's been great for a but. I know me too. But it's been so lovely to be treated so well for the first time in forever. Lovely dates out, walks, good conversation. We can talk for hours and get along so well. I'm just not sure I have that feeling, you know, the butterflies, I want to rip your clothes off and see you every second of the day feeling. My best friend says I'm living in a fairy tale and I need to give it more time to grow, but after being with someone that treated me so poorly I can't help but want more.

I want the fairy tale. I'd love to know your thoughts, I've never been one to date just for the sake of it, I'm more than happy to be on my own and don't feel the need to have a partner, but I don't want to sabotage a great relationship just for the dream of having that sexual emotional connection with someone like you see in the movies. I don't want to settle for someone which I feel I did with my ex-husband. I'd rather stay single. But I'm so confused and if I'm just self-sabotaging. Love you girls and thank you for this podcast.

It helps guide me and give me a good laugh. Love you guys from Australia. Do you know what is interesting because I feel like, you know when I spoke about when I first started dating him, 6X, I remember sort of saying like, it felt like I wasn't sure if it felt the way that it did because I was maybe more secure or maybe I had my guard up slightly because I remember when I started dating my ex-boyfriend I had that sudden like I'm gonna marry him. I literally felt that I was like I'm gonna marry him, I had the butterflies and then you see all these things where

people say that like that's not actually how it should feel. I think butterflies and sexual chemistry are different though. Yeah I'm not talking about sexual chemistry. Sexual chemistry did not lack whatsoever with 6ix. For me it was more maybe my headspace and very much going straight into he's the one I'm going to marry him. Yeah like this is going to happen, this is going to happen like planning my whole future out in my head within like two seconds before I've even marry him. Yeah, like this is gonna happen, this is gonna happen. Like planning my whole future out in my head within like two seconds before I even met him. Whereas I felt like when I started dating 6'6",

I don't know if like subconsciously I was like, take it slow. Like, but I was like, am I being like this and feeling this way because I'm now in a secure place or is he not the one for me? Should I be feeling more like that excitement of picturing my whole future with him? But for me now in hindsight,

I felt like it definitely was that I was just in a better head space and I was doing better, I'd done more work. I was content without him. He was just gonna be adding more to what was already good. Whereas when I met my ex-boyfriend, I felt like he was gonna, save me and rescue me. So it's like a fine line between her saying that she doesn't really feel like there's that like emotional, like, did she say chemistry or no?

Heather No, it's more like that. She said she doesn't have that like, rip your clothes off, want to speak to you every second of the day. Jess It's hard because some people don't ever have that and they're great. I don't know if like for me it's because where I was lacking so much in my marriage, whether I'd never had that chemistry, that physical, like, oh my God, I want to rip your clothes. I'd never had that with my ex even at the start. And I did very much have that at the start of this relationship. I still do, like 18 months in, I've still got that and I do think, obviously I'm looking at this from a bias point of view, like I love that about this, like I really, really love that part. And I think at the start of my relationship, I was not in the headspace to be in a relationship. And I think I was kind of chasing

those highs of feeling wanted and feeling needed. And I don't necessarily think that was the right thing. And that wasn't anything to do with the kind of person he was or it wasn't, you know, some people do that to get attention. It can be quite toxic. It wasn't like that at all. It was more because it was like, I wanted to pull him close, but then I wasn't ready. So I wanted to push him away.

But I couldn't remember people say like when you're not right or when you're like maybe you haven't done the work, you kind of crave that like dopamine hit of like, ah, now he wants me. Oh, but now I want to pause a bit drama. Like mine wasn't even that. Mine was, it came from a place of no genuinely feeling scared of being like, oh, I've let someone in. Shit. Like you've got to be the one in control of getting hurt. So push him away. But actually that's not what I wanted. And I think it was like working out kind of, I don't know, a way of working together to resolve that. Do you believe that her not having that maybe like emotional like connection at the beginning,

I do think that is something that can grow? I don't know, because I've never experienced that. I feel like chemistry is usually really easy to come by. It's more about compatibility that people mistake. Do you know what, with your situation, I'm wondering whether because you've had such a negative experience with your ex, whether you'll just, I feel like you're, you're, you're worrying,

you're going to let a good person go who treats you right. Think of all the things he does. Actually when you look at it, those are quite like minimum things like to treat you right, to make you feel... Yeah. And I actually feel like, yeah, they are amazing, but actually they're bare minimum. And I feel like actually there's probably a lot of good men out there who could offer you that and I think the scary thing is and if you know anyone listen to this it's I do think that kind of chemistry and that want to like message someone all the time and want that like what does it mean? Is there any questioning that you think it can grow? No, I'm wondering.

Like, for me personally, like, the minute I say, bye to him in person or off the phone, like, I, like, could talk, we could talk 24-7. But I also know some of my friends or people that I'm close to, I know that they would find that really intense and it wouldn't be for them. That doesn't mean that that person, but what I mean is like, it's that personality. I don't think that you not wanting to see him every waking moment means that he's not right for you. I don't want to go and give this advice that I think me and you are very affectionate, like very like, yeah, like one of my friends hates physical touch. Like she would like to be in the presence of someone, but she was like, I don't need

him on me all the time. Whereas for me, like literally like just let him sit back, cool down. But do you know what I mean? So I feel like, I don't know if that's, it's actually a bit of like personality. I do see in this, chemistry thing is quite important. It is, but I'm wondering whether that can grow. I've never been in a relationship where I didn't have it from the get go, so I can't really give my opinion. I don't know if it's like that thing. I think it's the best thing.

I think they can. That's like saying like you can sort of be friends with someone and then you end up like sleeping together and you're like, oh, hold on, this could be, this could be more than a friend. Of course, but it happens. It's not, you meet someone, if you don't want to rip their clothes off, then you shouldn't. No, but I think, I don't know, I think you should just, no, I'm not advising that. I'm just saying I don't think you should necessarily just close off the idea of meeting your person

if you're just worried about losing someone who's doing things at a bare minimum. I agree with that. I also don't think that you should rush to end it if you feel like you're taking a lot of time. I'm not going to end it. Yeah, I think that like, the thing is she hasn't said how long they've been dating. If it's like six months and I'd be a bit like, it's time to call it a day. But if it's been a month- You want to know it's going somewhere.

Yeah, if it's been a month and you're not yet, you know, she didn't. So I think maybe go with it for now. Be open and mindful that like you want those things. She might not even want those things in a relationship. She might just be worried that she doesn't have them. Yeah, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think you should like end it.

But again, it does depend how long you, you also don't want to be like six months down the line being like, Oh, I'm not got that lie. Cause I think that is important. I like long-term in a relationship. I genuinely believe that sexual connection and intimacy is rude, but it's not even the chemistry, like that intimacy and want to like, we've spoken about it before, sex shouldn't be a chore or something you feel like you have to do to keep the relationship going and growing. It should be something that comes naturally and that's like a really positive thing because that's only going to make you feel closer. So I think like it depends on

the amount of time it needs to have some kind of trajectory that is going somewhere. Yeah, if it's the first flight or the first flight they've made. I think that's also like, you know, when sometimes people like go on that first day and I've had friends be like, there wasn't really a spark and I'm like, you don't need to spark. It's quite awkward. I wouldn't not date someone because there wasn't that instant spark, it could grow. I think certain things could grow, but it depends how long you're waiting.

And if it's been like a really long time. I think it's a time thing. Yeah, I agree. I think it is like, okay, I'm okay with it growing, but like how long I wait in here kind of thing. What you have said though, you've hit the nail on the head in regards to not wanting to let it go because you're worried you're letting a good guy go. And I honestly think

that that is where I was with my ex. It was like, he's a good guy. But that's because your standards started to flow. And also because you weren't getting bare minimums before, those seemed like, and I can relate. Yeah. I think what I've had to determine over the last 18 months is, okay, these are bare minimums, that actually this is even better. Like it's re-establishing where your standards lie. No, I agree.

Why? But yeah, keep us updated. It would be interesting to know how long you've actually been dating. Yeah, it'd be interesting. But really proud of you that the minute you found out everything that your husband did, you literally drew the line, chucked him out, got on with it and you're in a good place and smashing it. And thanks for listening all that way away.

I know, I've read the word in Australia, can you imagine? Worldwide talk. That's in next event, we're going there. I'm there. Going down under. Right, this one, are you ready? I am not, you just looked at me funny. He left me two days before Vegas because I'm fat. Right, this one. Are you ready? I am not, you just looked at me funny.

He left me two days before Vegas because I'm fat. Hello. So, I've had a bit of a blow to the heart all of a sudden and I can't get my head around it and would love to hear other people's opinions. So I booked Las Vegas for my fiance's 40th birthday and two days before we went, he came home and just started screaming that we weren't working, just co-parenting, and that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, that I was fat and I should work on myself. Just, can you imagine?

Like- Sorry, mate, put your fucking beer belly away. I bet you ain't ripped. Is that like just coming home to your fiance? Well, that's not what's going on, is it? No, but like, that like just coming home to your fiance? Well that's not what's going on, is it? No, but like that is just- Disgusting. And she's just planned a trip to take you to Bayonville 40

if you don't deserve her. We have two small kids together, youngest is three. Okay, he may be right. I've put on a bit of weight since giving birth, but I have zero time to work on myself as I work and I'm raising three kids while he works full time, goes to the gym and just enjoys his life. Like, do you know what? I'm not having that. I'm not having you put yourself down and be like, you know, he might be right. I've put on a bit of weight. Who's sucking hasn't?

But I'm sorry, you've had children. But do you know what? Like, you don't date someone and ask them to marry you because he is your fiance, based on your body. Like, no. Like that is just, there's just no fucking excuse for that shit. Vile. I've never asked for anything from him. I just enjoy him so much.

I love my family and love the family life. It's just for me. He said horrible things to me, like he was pressured into proposing to me. Never wanted to in the first place. He left the night he came home fuming and hasn't been back. My friends are the best and booked tickets to Vegas the day before we left so I got to enjoy his trip anyway. But I'm heartbroken and we didn't have any problems except for the fact that life is really hard as one of our kids has additional needs. I think I may have been

overwhelmed all the time and wasn't the joyful wife he wanted me to be. He said, he said, I look good when we go to the pub and we always have a great connection when we're out. But when he gets home, it's not a nice place, which I understand, but I felt like that's normal with small kids in a stressful life. I feel like I'm in the wrong and should have been the happy, joyful, welcoming home kind of wife, but it was kind of impossible with the stress. I now feel like a fat, ugly mess that nobody will want,

and I just don't know how to move forward from this. My family think that he is with another woman as that would be the only explanation. I don't think he does. I think he just couldn't handle the family life but I wish he had tried a bit harder. I don't know why he had to say such hurtful things to me as well. Anyway, I'm in a glass box of emotions and I don't know what to do. Any advice? You can talk on the podcast about it if you like. I don't really know much about podcasts but would love if you let me know when it's on so I can listen to the advice.

I just think it... Can I just say, anyone who says negative things about someone, whether that's physical or whatever it is, they're often deflecting something in terms of their own insecurities or making you feel bad because he's done something wrong. Like, I'm, I, I want to be really careful what I say because I don't want to make assumptions. However, based off a lot of information and lots of experiences and just hearing from a lot of different people who go through these things Not many men will just up and leave a family without there being something Slap someone else. He's got no reason to walk away from you and your family

Just because you're bats people don't leave for that reason. And I'm sorry if that is something you don't wanna hear. And I do personally believe your family is correct. I do believe there's someone else and I wonder whether that will surface in any way. But let me tell you now that no man or human who makes you feel like that is worthy of you like pining after them and like being like I love him so much and that's so disrespectful like do you

know what just to quickly like on that point let's just say for argument's sake there is no one else okay because I don't want you to listen to this and be like talking back be like but I know there's not I know there's on let's say there's no one else how he is spoken to you and how he is just throwing that on you and then just left and not come back is so unacceptable. It's so disgusting and disrespectful. He's gone and said that you made him propose. I'm sorry, did you buy the ring and make him get down on one day?

Even if like he did feel the pressure to do that, why not sit and communicate and be like, look, I did feel a bit of pressure to propose. I may be not ready. Could we maybe have a longer engagement? Or even that. Like honestly, it's the making her, putting her down about her appearance.

Do you know what you need to do, babe? You seriously need to do the work on yourself and show him that he... I love Segrè. Like, ugh, like what a fucking pig. Like to even speak to a woman that you don't even know that way, let alone your fiancee who you have

children with and girls, you have girls though, didn't she say she's got three children, girls? I can't remember if this was the girls or if it was the boys. Oh no, hold on, raising three kids. If one of those kids are girls, I mean... Yeah, Howard's daughter. It always baffles me when men who have daughters treat their mother of their, and I'm not saying that it's okay for them to treat them badly if they've only got a son. It was like, oh yeah, but it just, I don't know, it's like, I do sometimes I think like, how would you feel if a guy did that to your daughter?

Would you be bothered? Would it, would you be like, oh shit, I did that to your mum? I don't know. It baffles me. It really, really does. But it makes me so sad that you're feeling so crappy about yourself. You're in the depth of it right now. I get the impression that this is quite raw and it's happened quite soon. So you're going to be feeling all those feels and go with it. It sounds like you've got some amazing friends as well. So surround yourself with them and please eventually like pick yourself up. And if you're not feeling good about yourself, go and do something about it. You know, go on walks. You don't need

to find the time to go to the gym. Like I think it was like what we were speaking about earlier in this conversation, like setting those like realistic goals of what you're going to do in your day, like going to the gym and doing the 10,000 sets. Like if you can't do stuff like that and it's something that you want to do because you're saying you feel like you don't look your best or you have gained some weight, try and make healthier choices, try and do some walks, get the kids out and go on walks at the park or whatever but like he doesn't deserve you and I really hope that you do end up hearing this and realise that you deserve so much more than that.

Online dating help please. Hello. I'm here for the dating. Yeah. Hello girls, I followed you both for years and went through the same situation at the same time as you guys so seeing your struggles, joys and everything in between has helped me on my own journey. My backstory.

My daughter's dad randomly told me that he was moving out after a few months of ups and downs, six months into mortgage on our first bought home, six months after getting our dog, the month before our daughter's third birthday. I was actually okay with this as I think I always knew deep down he wasn't my person. For the first year we co-parented well, some said too well and that we hadn't really separated our lives. His mental health dipped and I encouraged him to go back to his family two hours away to live short term to get himself back on his feet. What a mistake that was and more for me for helping him out. Straight away he goes into a new relationship with a crazy psycho bitch he's with six years ago when

she told me that he loved her too and kept promising to leave me for her. Oh lol. Lol. And guess what? He worked with her at the time. Another one. I should have trusted my gut then and left him but I didn't. We moved forward, moved in together, had a baby, moved two hours away to be near my family,

got engaged, bought a house and lived life. But as soon as he was single and back near her, he got into a relationship with her. Two years down the line, they're now planning a wedding and my daughter has a relationship with her. I'm not going to lie, it's been very hard, but I've done so much self-healing and moving forward. And I know now that I am the lucky one. I got out from his bullshit. I have the house, I have my amazing daughter, the dog forward and I know now that I am the lucky one. I got out from his bullshit. I have the house, I have my amazing daughter, the dog and I am mostly happy. All the while they are living back near us to see my daughter in an awful rented house away

from their family and friends, which I'm reminded of all the time. He hasn't worked on his mental health and it's still bad, no real prospects for the future, yet I still sometimes feel like I'm the one missing out. It's not about him at all. I'm totally over him and I'm proud of how far I've come in the last three years. But I have only ever been on one date since, which was a blind date that we didn't even share numbers. I've been on the apps for ages, but this is where I need your help. I go on, start a conversation, it goes nowhere, I've got to the point of texting two guys, arranging dates, then they cancel on me on the day.

Please give me some advice on how to get to the point of actually going on a date. I would say I have grown in confidence in regards to not taking the bullshit from my ex. I know I'm a great mum, but how do I find the confidence to sell myself? Not actually. Just to be clear. To get to the point of dating, I keep thinking how am I still no further forward and he is bloody getting married. I really feel this is what is the missing piece in the puzzle of life. I want to have fun. I want to see what else there is to offer. I go on holidays with my daughter. I'm not scared of the world, but I'm scared of the online dating world. Any advice would be amazing. Love you guys. Thank you.

Can I quickly point out one thing while I remember because it's something that you said. You said like why are you single and he's planning a wedding. He didn't do the work and he's gone to someone that he called a side show. He's like, I'm the problem from my place. Can we quickly just point out, like I know it's very easy at times to be like, how had they moved on? How are they having it all and I'm not, he's probably not, they're probably not happy. He's probably going to put all his shit on her.

You said that he's got no prospects, he hasn't worked on his mental health. So remind yourself of the fact that you don't want him. So her standards are obviously lower or she's happy with what he's willing to offer and you're not, whereas your standards are higher. So I've actually got a friend of mine who isn't with her fiance anymore. He's an absolute prick and he's with someone else and she's single. And it is very easy to sometimes reflect and be like, how is he with someone else and I'm not?

It's not a race to happiness, is it? I felt that way at one point. I did. My ex got into another relationship and it broke me for 48 hours. Yeah. So go to hell, yeah. And you do have those thoughts of like,

you always end up attacking yourself first and being like, why can't I have that? Why am I not enough? Like, what's he got? And what's she got that I don't? How does he be able to move forward so quickly? It isn't about that. And I think we need, we really need to try and like separate the two things and realise that like, you've done the work, you've healed the right way, you're putting your time and energy into yourself and your daughter and now you're ready and that's great but you have a particular standard that you won't go under and just hold that and it's got no bearing on the other person being with

someone because you don't know what happens behind closed doors, you know that that person, what they were like when you were with them. I don't want that. Exactly. I they were like when you were with them. Is that one of that? Exactly. I completely agree. That's what I felt. In regards to dating, I think the apps unfortunately are, can be quite brutal. I do think it's a bit of a numbers game.

I think you need to make sure when you're on there that you always are in a good head space and you're not like, oh, kind of go on there again, spend my evening scrolling and everyone's like gross. I feel like sometimes you do maybe need to take a step back or a little break and be like I think try and make it an enjoyable task rather than a chore. Yeah and I also wonder like, it sounds really harsh but like you don't want to like fade into the background of just being like everyone else that have some fun prompts on there. Have some fun photos.

We've spoken before about like doing fun activities like go out with your friends and be like can you take some pictures of me for my dating profile? Like get out of your comfort zone. Like get glammed up. Go out, get someone to take a picture of you looking amazing. Like build that confidence up in yourself and project that, project that fun through some of the questions, like don't pick the serious boring questions, pick the ones that are gonna send it, like going for a ride, everyone. I say this, my profile is probably quite boring, I don't really remember. No, but you know what, and I've said

this before, like anyone that's struggling on the dating apps, not claiming that I'm an expert, Carly's not claiming she's an expert, but it would actually be really interesting for you to send us some screenshots. Yeah, we'll help you. Of your profile, and maybe we should say what we were chatting. I'll help you.

So if you're listening to this, do that if you want, or even at least let us know what apps you're on. So I feel like apps work differently for different people. I know that obviously Carly's had success on Bumble, whereas I've had success on Hinge. So works for different people, but I would love for anyone, if they're on the dating app

and they're not feeling like they're getting anywhere, we'd like some screenshots of your profiles and we're more than happy to give some constructive criticism or any guidance. I think that we should maybe even put a box on our stories and then get people to send that in. We'll do that. Yeah. Yeah. Should we do a confession of the week? Okay, confession of the week. This is quite funny because I sort of did this too.

I know. Me and my partner went away and I just had a real feeling that he was going to propose. So once he unpacked and he was in the other room, I literally looked through everything. His boxes, his pillowcase, all his clothes, and I ended up finding the ring. He proposed and it was really magical, but I still to this day have not told him that I actually knew that it was coming because I knew that he'd be angry with me that I ended up looking for it before he actually did it. I've to this day my ex probably doesn't know I knew he was proposing. Really? So I did that I searched but I never found it but he did end up proposing on that

holiday but he obviously knew me well enough to know I need to hide it somewhere where she cannot either reach or so oh you knew I found the room did you hilarious yeah seems like it's quite played it down yeah I'd be shocked if if I ever got proposed to again and it was managed to be a secret I would be shocked my proposal was such a red flag I should have known there in bed my best friend organized my proposal tell me about no no but I don't think that's a red flag because at least he knew that he needed some guidance. Mine was so shit he needed the fucking guidance. That's what I mean. It was diabolical and it deserved a no. Anyway. But you didn't give him a nose

and a nose. No I didn't. Oh. That's what the microphone for. Affirmation of the week. I'm worthy of receiving real, honest, amazing love. And I will go and get a A to the men. Thank you for listening. Bye!