Not As We Planned - 66. I’m a Girlfriend

Episode Date: November 28, 2024

Tash makes an announcement about her relationship, Carly has an emotional birthday, we share some epic hacks you’re going to want to know and a fiancé gets up to no good on his stag! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello everybody! How are you lovelies all doing this week? Oh you sound very much like a couple of teens. I know I. I've got such a bad headache.

I'm feeling really under the weather. Oh Claude, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we are, we Go on, rap to me. Make me a song. Go. You were quite good. Like that. Do it. Ready? Let's get everyone. Guys, you know there's this thing you don't learn for anything. Get up on your feet. Start clapping. I need to meet. I need to meet! Go! One, two, three, go! Tash is now a girlfriend. Her single dates have come to an end. Oh, I've got a stitch! Wait. He did it in... wait. He smashed it with a night of romance. I guess the end there were no pence.

It's actually good aren't it? I'm alright. Why doesn't state nothing? Anyway I'm not gonna, I don't think people are tuning in to listen to me rap. If you can do, if you want to do that maybe I'll do some little private sessions. That sounds weird. Sounds fucking so very adorned. Carly is now advertising. Click the link for her private sessions of the rap. Signs out quite hard.

The only rap I've got is my chicken wrap for lunch. Oh, so I'm watching your phone. You're getting your feet out ready for the private link. Fox and Sah. Oh, me too. Oh, how? You've got this. You've getting your feet out ready for the private link. Fox and Sah. Oh me too! Oh how? You've done this!

You've done this! You've done this! Is this a sign for us to let everyone know what we've just booked? Yeah let's do it. Should we do it? Yeah let's do it. Right guys, so we have an announcement to make. Drum roll please.

We have booked our second event! Woo! Should we say the day? Yeah, let's do it. 8th of February, baby. Yes. 8th of February, the month of love, the month of... No, no, gross.

We're really excited. All we're going to say to you is it is in the Oxford-Bister area. And that means, guys, don't be put off if that means a few hours drive It's in a hotel on a weekend day overnight. It's on a weekend. It's near public transport And you make it yourself with a Bista village trip the day after I probably am. Yeah Love that we have breakfast together. I'm in yeah, let's do it. So yeah get your ball But listen out because we'll be well, we'll be posting first on Patreon and probably get 24 hours access before one. Yes, if you

were desperate to come, who wouldn't be? Make sure you join Patreon. We do have limited tickets as well. Like if they sell out the day before, there's not a lot of people. Even if you join just for the month that we are releasing them and if you get that priority And then there is something that hopefully we can announce really really soon about something that just waiting on the lid just very very Anyway, should we have a little black well go on then? Okay Sorry guys now you're not gonna just listen to one soppy, loved up cow. It's her baby. The two of us. No, so we went to Norfolk for the weekend, stayed in the most gorgeous lodge, was really

cute and it was just a really, really nice weekend. He was very romantic and sweet. And do you know what's so eye-opening? It's when you have a boyfriend when you're 35 years old, you've been married, you've been proposed to, yet he is, he did the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me. I actually turned around to him afterwards and I was like, that is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me and I was like, and I've been proposed to. That's a little- Literally what I said to my boyfriend when he took me away on the surprise. I was like, no one's ever done anything.

Yeah. Like I just think like it says a lot. I mean, I really should have said no to his proposal. It was fucking shocking. There was no thought. That's another story. Do you know what? Actually, it's funny because I might be going off on a tangent here, but we're old with it. I was writing something the other day and that is a lie. I was writing something, but writing something made me read back on something old. And it really, I can't work out if it made me sad that I thought this way back in the day or happy that I know now that it's not the case. But what I read was about the time

that I went on my first date with my ex-boyfriend. The reason why I was reading this is because I'm actually, may as well say it, because people might think I'm like reminiscing about my ex-boyfriend. I don't want people thinking that. I'm writing a book and I'm having to proofread it. Anyway, I read this bit and I wrote that when

he came to pick me up on our first day, instead of, he messaged me saying, oh, I'm here, I'm a bit early, are you ready? And I said, yeah, I'm ready. And he messaged her back going, okay, I'll come to the door. And I wrote, it was in that moment I knew that I was dating someone who was different. And it's really sad moment I knew that I was dating someone who was different. And it's really sad that I thought that him coming to the door, instead of me waiting to come to the car, I literally was blown away by this like kindness. Like he was like, oh my God, he's a man. It's like, it's just, you know, it was just really eye opening to read it back. And I was like, do you know what, it was just really eye opening to read it back and I was like, wow, I remember thinking it. I remember literally being like jaw dropping,

like, oh my God, he's coming to the door. How sad is that? I completely get it. So it just highlighted to me, when we sometimes say to people, if you don't do the work and work on yourself and your self-worth and really understand what is bare

minimum, what is a green flag, what is a red flag. Your standards, you think they're high, but they're not. That is just for me. If a man was coming to pick me up and didn't come to my door, what are you doing? I wouldn't come out. Do you know? So I don't know. It's just anyway, I've gone completely off topic, but I'm very happy. I, yeah, we've taken it really slow. We've been together for four months, but it was just something that took some time for me, I think, to maybe let my guard down and-

Understandable. Let him in completely, but yeah, now I'm all... All in. All in. So yeah, how about you babe? Well, it's my birthday this week. Oh, want to hear another gift. Happy birthday to ya.

Happy birthday. It was a weird one, so I went away with The Boys On My Own for the weekend. I'm not even gonna bore you guys with that, but yeah, don't recommend the Belfry Hotel. Really? Don't recommend it. Their customer service has been absolutely shocking. Sorry to call them out, but I will. Don't book it. Honestly, just I stay in a lot of places, right? Like probably the worst hotel experience I've had thus far. Yeah, don't go. And the communication I'm having with the complaints at the moment isn't great. So I don't like calling companies out, but I also think there's a way to rectify things

and they haven't done that and therefore I will. So lol. Sorry, not sorry. I'm not sorry. So it was my birthday on Monday. It was a weird one because my boyfriend is actually away for the week. And obviously, it's not a great feeling. And as well, it was a Monday night.

He would normally have been at mine. And I didn't want to make him feel any worse than I know he already felt. It's the one trip of the year. It's in America, so he can't get out of it. All the others like he can kind of like if there's something on he can like do a few days and go back or whatever if it's in Europe. But it's in America. He's there for like he was there Saturday till Saturday morning. The longest one. And so I felt like a bit like oh I don't get to spend

it with him because obviously I wanted to but the the boys were lovely. Like they got a card from each of them, flowers and a present. So hold on, hold on, hold on. As in like the ex did that. Do you know what, I don't often get shocked. But this is why it's so good to have your expectations low because that was genuinely, I know for most people they'd be like obviously yeah got a candle

Flowers and a card he'd taken them you're on I don't know It made me a bit scared. What I just mean like honestly like for me I didn't expect any of that I fully had prepared myself not to get anything so actually having that I was like This is so nice. I said to him when you're listening thanks babe thank you but when he dropped them off I said like thank you that means like that means a lot and so a massive step it is a big step so let's recognize that and and it's good to be I think it's good of you to thank him because I would say some people might see that as like what you're excited is bare minimum but I think looking at what your relationship-

I didn't get a mother's day card. So like for me, I wanted to reinforce the good behavior so it continues, you know? And they were really cute. Like Theo's really aware it was my birthday and like they both came in singing in the morning and like he was like, we have to be extra nice to mommy today. Like he was just really sweet. I took him to an every man cinema after school. We watched Paddington. I had, was it good? Really good. My late three didn't take his eyes off it the whole time.

I'm fully invested. Loved it, brilliant. Yeah, really good. So we had like cookie dough and pizza in the cinema. It was just a bit different. And I genuinely had a really lovely day. And I just felt really weird on my birthday. I kept crying. I kept bursting

out crying. And I just had this overwhelming feeling like I'm 37 years old. I'm in the middle of a divorce. I just didn't ever expect my life being like this. And I'm not saying I've got a shit life. I'm very aware. I'm in a very good position and I am happy So I think in my head I was like, why are you crying because you're happy thing you've ever been But I just think I don't know. I think that set me off I don't want to like upset my mom or anything, but she sent me a message Like just wanted to know that I'm so proud of you and I went into a bit of like self sabotage mode I was like, yeah, I'm sure you're proud of your 37 year old daughter

going through divorce. I just, I don't know, I don't know if anyone else does this, but I attacked myself for my situation. I think sometimes we, like you said, I think you said it in the episode that's out today because I was listening to it. Sometimes you think to yourself that you don't deserve to cry or you shouldn't be, or you're happy,

but I have had situations before where like, how you feel generally in your life doesn't match how your emotions are actually coming out. It's like, it was just kind of rime. It was really weird. And as well, I think I felt all I wanted was a cuddle from my boyfriend and he wasn't there. And like, well, so he'd done like,

obviously my weekend away was like my main present and he'd come around on the Friday. We went out for dinner on the Friday night before he went and he gave me my weekend away was like my main present and he'd come around on the Friday. We went out for dinner on the Friday night before he went and he gave me my presents, card stuff. And I just, I don't know, it was just like his presents. And then we walked in from the cinema and as we walked in, like a van pulled him in the massive bouquet of flowers and he'd written a really cute note on it.

And I just burst out crying again. And I was just like, it's just what I needed. I needed that, some kind of presence from him there on my birthday, not a present, but like- His- And his presence. Yeah, like, I can't explain it. Like, it's not to do with the flowers, it's not to do with a present or anything. It was just to know like he was thinking of me and anyway, yeah. And like one thing I really wanted to touch on I sent a

voice note to you in the car is for me and it always has been a massive trigger with a new relationship is things revolving, work, working late, working late, and another one, and another one. Yeah and I'm sure that's understandable so So for me, like this trip coming, so this time, basically this time of year, he has trips quite a lot for six months of the year. Most of them aren't, none of them are as long as this one. This is the longest one and I knew that.

But this time last year, when he went away on his trips, when I say to, I don't know why he was still with me afterwards, I was like, I wasn't in any way healed. I was like in accusatory mode. I was like in runaway mode. Like I couldn't handle what was happening, which wasn't anything he was working in another country, but I was so triggered and I hadn't really done any work. And I just, this week, I'm just really proud of how far I've come in a year like I

actually haven't had those intrusive thoughts and I fully trust this man but also before he went he asked me what I need to make me feel safe is there anything he can do whilst he's away and we had a chat about it and it was just so nice to know a like he'd given the thought to it maybe he's done all those things that I said would help. Yeah. And he's really made me feel safe and loved. And yeah, don't get me wrong, it's still really hard and it's even harder when we're on different time zones.

I think that's the biggest struggle at the moment because I'm so used to talking to him. I have been talking to him before I go to bed, but then, I don't know, it's just a bit weird but yeah, I'm nearly done. I've nearly nearly done so he's got one more night doing the presentation stuff tonight it's got one more day working tomorrow and he's on a flight back tomorrow night he'll be back on Saturday morning so Canada days and I've got a weekend with him and then bless him like because he's missed out on time with us is taking some extra days off work in the week and the next few coming weeks. It's really nice. I mean, I'm not able to be with my boyfriend. Sorry, 6ix has been upgraded to boyfriend. He's got his kids on my birthday. That's his time to have Christmas.

It's so funny. Yeah, it is just one of those things. And I think back in the day, I think I said this to you before, I'd go into that self-sabotage and almost be like, oh, so. When I found out he wasn't gonna be here on my birthday, I did get really upset with him. And then it took me a bit to step back and be like, I'm really sorry.

And he was like, I think what you mean to say is you feel really disappointed. I was like, yes, I do. But, and I get it. I don't get it right all the time. I was upset and my immediate thing was well me she don't love me but he literally could not there's nothing he could do about this.

I get it. It's pretty much what I was explaining I think a few episodes ago where I said that like I literally took a step back and realized like he already feels bad that he can't be with me. Why am I there? He feels bad. He's away from me. He feels bad. He's away from his kids. He's got all this skill. Why am I adding to it? He doesn't wanna be there any more than. That's it, exactly. But yeah, it's been, yeah, I'm just, I'm proud of myself and I'm still not 100% perfect,

but I'm working on it. And it's just nice to know. It's really easy to see how far you've come. Even that, even for myself, I remember last year, that anxiety, and it wasn't anything to do with him. It was all because of past relationships. And I haven't sat with that in my heart whilst he's been away. I know that sounds like a bare minimum, but I think it's a bit different when it's to do with like you healing yourself and knowing like all those things were someone else they

weren't him and they never have been him so yeah here for a time. Let's do some emails. Go in. Okay this one is called update Patreon episode 6 scenario and bullshit story hidden nudes and videos in secret file plus a hack. I remember that episode. Do you remember her? No, remind me. She found like all these hidden videos of like him having sex with him. Oh yeah. She wasn't sure if they happened when they were together or not. Some were

like pre-pre- yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasn't it like they happened when they were together or not. Yeah. Some were like, pre- yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it might have been over for that. Wasn't it like, I feel like there was a star thing. No, it was like, the high-yacking. Yeah, but how funny, like, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go away. Go away from that. Yeah. Do it. Do it. Shit, I don't remember it so good. It's so good. Hello girls, I love your pods and I don't know why it took me so long to sign up to Patreon.

Guys. Wow. Oh my god, guys, you know what? You should ask for for Christmas or a partner. A Patreon membership. Full quid. If they say no, like, question who you are. Red flag. Call it a stocking filler.

It's safe to say I am binging the episodes and thank you. You actually read mine out on Patreon episode 6, the one about finding nudes and videos in a hidden folder on his iPad and creating a bullshit story. I obviously didn't know this and so I want to give you an update on what I did. Brackets. I didn't follow your advice. Dead.

Whoops. She wrote, I couldn't bring myself to confront him about it. I'm not the kind of person to violate someone's privacy, even though I did. Yes, this was it. She saw it all, but she didn't. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And I just didn't want him to have that view of me. I was so off with him for a day and he immediately knew something was wrong. He asked me constantly what was wrong and that's when I said the bullshit story. He responded quite well. He initially said, who has said that? Why are people trying to break us up and that he didn't sleep with her? I said, look, George, that's a fake name. I know you slept with each other and it hurts that you can't be

honest about it. I genuinely think he thought I was going to split up with him about it. This is before, yeah. So just to give people, if you've not listened to Patreon, it's not someone he slept with whilst they were in a relationship. It was before they were together. If she found out that he had done it and she was annoyed that he was lying about it because then I think she felt like if he's going to lie about that, what else? Yeah, but it wasn't during the relationship. No. I know you slept with each other and it hurts that you can't be honest about it. I genuinely think he thought I was going to split up with him about it. He was terrified and this is partly the reason why

I think he tried to say he didn't do it. He then changed his tune saying that they have, that they may have kissed. I said, look, I know you slept together. We don't have to talk about it, but I just want you to know I know. The fact that he didn't deny it and was happy to move on from the subject is admitting guilt in my eyes. I have never returned to the kayak club, which I went to twice a week for three years and he hasn't returned either. Although I have heard the girl he slept with is pregnant now so I may make a comeback. I noticed you wondered how I got into the Hidden album. And I'm not sure if this is common knowledge

or if I'm just a fucking genius, but I found a hack that you ladies need to know. Oh, well, can you imagine if it's the, you know, when we try to take a photo of ourselves and then we... I don't know why. The Hidden album has fingerprint recognition. I put my fingerprint in and it obviously didn't work, but then it came up to enter code instead of fingerprint and voila, I know the code, entered it in and it unlocked the hidden folder.

I actually went to the folder again, FYI, I didn't watch the videos, that would just be grim, and deleted everything and then deleted everything from his recently deleted folder and then synced it. So I think what that means is that when he synced his mobile phone it would have deleted from there too. He has never said anything and hasn't noticed. I may also add that all the videos had the cloud symbol beside them and had to be downloaded to watch which means, I think, that he hadn't watched them in quite some time, I hope.

This guy absolutely loves me to the moon and back and we have since actually got engaged to be married in July. He is well aware that I will not accept any bullshit or lies and I 100% know my worth and he knows it too. Ladies who are listening, you should be treated like an absolute princess and your man should be the prince. My last relationship wasn't great and boy am I glad I made the jump. Hack number two that I've recently found out, not through looking genuinely just found this out from a friend. If someone sends you a message on WhatsApp and deletes it and you want to see what it said or you're wondering if your partner is messaging someone and deleting messages this is the hack for you.

If it's to see what a deleted message that has been sent to you said, go to settings on your phone then to notifications then to advanced settings and then to notification history. Here you will see all the messages that the phone has received, as long as the person has chatted back up on WhatsApp, which to be honest, who doesn't. If you want to see who your partner has been receiving messages from, then you would obviously follow the above steps on their device.

Keep doing what you're doing. Love, love, love your biggest, not as we planned, fan. Who knew that hack exists today? How many people are gonna go and do that? I've actually got another hack for you. Here we go. Before we talk about how email.

So if someone, like you know like when you're like, I mean, I say when you're dating someone, like this can be for anything, but you know when you're dating someone, you might be like, oh, send me a pic or whatever, and they'll send you a pic. There's a way to see if that picture was actually taken there and then, or if it's really old.

No, do you make me feel ill? No, so I mean if someone's making out that they're all made up, looking really good, but really it's like a back up. Right, yeah. So for example, if I was speaking, in the texting stages, speaking to someone and they're all like,

oh, let's see what you look like. Right. And send them an old photo that I took in like June last year. You had your makeup done freshly. Yeah. So basically what you then do is if you save the photo to your phone that they've sent you and then you go into your photo album and look at it and scroll it up, you see all the details as to when it was taken, the date, the time and everything.

If you ever want to send a photo to a guy or something, although I don't think many guys would know this hack, or even if you're trying to catch someone out, like, can you let me know where you are? And they send something. You can see if it's live or not. And I wish I knew that back in the day when I was married, because the amount of times that he'd send me photos to like, I mean, it's about that I even needed photos. Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I think that's quite a, it's a good hack for you catching someone out. But also if you want to make sure that you want someone to know that your photos are actually live, screenshot the photo and then send that one because that detail. Do you see what I mean?

Yeah, but we're not, we're not encouraging people to lie. I mean, when you're dating, if you're like, we're not talking about like, where are you? Of course not, I'm talking more to a girl point of view. Of like, oh, like, let's see what you look like in bed right now and you've got some old, sexy photo when you're in bed, like make sure it's updated.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I don't think I've ever done that. I mean, me though, because I don't think boys would know the hurt. No, I mean, I don't think I've ever done that. I mean, neither, because I don't think boys would know the hurt. No, I mean, I don't think I've ever been like, anyone. Not in bed. Right, go. Oh, we haven't even discussed her email. Oh, forgot about that.

Look, glad you're happy and glad you've got what you needed in terms of... Like, him knowing that you know. Yeah. And if he doesn't go anymore, he's not going somewhere where he knows you'd feel uncomfortable, I think that's... Agree. Really positive.

I don't love that he never admitted it. Yeah. But as long as you're happy and you feel like he treats you right, that's all that really matters. And just be aware of any other red flags that come up. Yeah. Okay. This is called The Great Escape.

Sounds like a film. That is a film. Oh, that's why. No, that's not it. Pretty sure. I might make that. Probably not. Hi ladies. I recently started listening to your podcast and it's helped me so much right now. I was due to get married in September to the person I'd been with for 16 years.

We have two children together. In March he went on his stag do. Oh no. Lo and behold, he cheated on me. I knew something was off when he came back. I went on my hen do, which I didn't want to attend. I knew something was off when he came back. I went on my hendo, which I didn't want to attend. I knew his behavior was off. A few weeks later he went for a night away. He actually met this girl there with a few of his friends and hers. I knew he'd been up to something. He wouldn't come near me. I was going crazy, panic attacks and being emotionally abused. I told my friends he's

cheated and they said he wouldn't do that. What hit home most during all of this was when I sat and cried one day he shouted, not again. My daughter said, daddy isn't nice to you. Even if my worst enemy was crying, I'd check on them. He was vile one night to me. I'd picked him up from the pub. He didn't want to be picked up. But bearing in mind he had to drive four hours to work the next day. He did all of this in front of our teenagers, swearing at me, shouting at me and getting aggressive. Needless to say, my teens were not happy with him. Eventually I found out the truth. He did cheat. He'd been messaging this girl all along. He tried to break things off with me so I'd never have found out the truth.

He left my house. He'd see my son and daughter every other Sunday. I thought this was best as they liked to do their own thing on a Saturday. It was hard to get my daughter to go out with him on a Sunday. She resented him. My daughter started self-harming. She went to counselling. She got better as time had gone on and this has now stopped.

She didn't want her dad to be involved, not when he was an absent father. I eventually picked myself up, went out with friends, started focusing on myself. It took two months for me to get to being me. My God, I was a different person, more outspoken and for once not taking any rubbish off anyone. Fast forward a few months and I've met someone. This wasn't meant to be but I tried and it's a lesson learned. He was lovely but just not the time maybe. I found out my son and daughter's dad is still seeing this girl. He's moved in with her to Ireland. He has hardly been seeing the teens now, only when he can be bothered to catch a flight. He asked me one day what I spend my maintenance money on, started giving me less because

they asked the things off their dad. How is this okay? He left me with debt, paying for rings I couldn't return, a house that cost me too much, a car that was expensive, everything is in my name, he couldn't care less. I didn't think I'd ever get out of the way I felt, but I did. I do have some bad days, but don't we all. If anything, this has taught me, don't be bitter, be better.

Life's too short to let one tiny man get in the way. We still feel it as a family of three, but wow, I had a great escape. I mean, that must be so difficult. Do you think it's this September? We're only in November. Like, just in a few months of you being in such a much positive head space, like... I feel like planning a wedding is meant to be fun and exciting. I feel like when you're engaged to someone, that's their commitment to you. It's forever.

We said, didn't we, how many people must cheat on that? I wonder if she's written in off the back of that. Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you're doing really well concentrating yourself and your kids. They're very lucky to have you. He sounds like a waste of space and a bit of a piece of paper. Yeah, honestly as well, try not to focus on him and him being with this other woman. Not being funny, if he can do that to the mother of his kids and his fiance, good luck, nothing's, do you know what I mean?

Nothing's to do with the new woman. Again, you're doing the right things, focus on yourself, focus on healing, focus on your kids. And one day, you know, if you want to meet someone, then you're going to attract someone so much better into your life. I think it's good that maybe she said like that person wasn't the right time. Like that would have been very quick. It's good that it didn't work out. This one. Thank you. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Oh, okay, cute. Girls, firstly, I want to say how incredible you both are.

I mean, if this doesn't give us a confidence. And secondly, how happy I am to see you both so happy, confident and content. I want to say a huge thank you. If it wasn't for you both, I would never have left my partner of ten years and father of my son. After years of abuse and him promising to change, he betrayed me in the worst way possible. I found messages on his phone of him arranging to meet prostitutes. Days where he was supposedly at work and a day after a big family birthday party for our son. He obviously denied it, apparently didn't go through with it because he didn't have the balls. And for a couple of months I actually believed his

lies even though he admitted on camera that he had done it four times. I honestly thought it was the end of the world, I was heartbroken, but actually this is what I needed. I needed a reason to leave. I relate to this. I really relate to this. And I am now so, so thankful he did what he did, because if he didn't, I wouldn't have left him. I'd still be in the same awful abusive relationship, begging for his love and time and hiding away from my friends and family, pretending life was great. I spent around eight of the ten years being abused verbally and mentally, being left alone,

constantly whilst he was in the pub, and never ever drunk when we went out together because I was too scared I may need my car to be able to leave the house with my child if he became angry. I told no one. I was called every name under the sun. I was belittled to the point I felt worthless. I thought that no one would have ever believed me because I'm normally very outspoken and confident. It became almost accepted that he could just abuse me. Like a learnt behaviour I suppose. And genuinely, I think if I didn't catch him out, I still would have been

dealing with it now. I'm crying writing this because it really hits home when you have to write it out. I can't believe I've dealt with this for so long. The worst thing is, I still questioned myself constantly about leaving. I messaged you girls in the summer of 2023, a while after I caught him out. Thankfully, one of you replied and without telling me directly to leave, you made it pretty clear what I should do and I can never thank you enough. Your reply saved me. Your podcasts have continued to heal me.

I also started therapy, which has really helped. Your podcasts has made me laugh, cry, but more importantly, has taught me about self-worth. continue to heal me. I also started therapy which has really helped. Your podcasters made me laugh, cry but more importantly has taught me about self-worth. I am now with someone who is everything my ex wasn't. I'm going to go goosebumps. He is kind, caring, affectionate, understanding and most importantly he loves me for who I am. He's healing a heart he didn't break and yes, I've pushed him away several times because I didn't understand why he was being so nice. We're all eight. I just assumed it would all go wrong. He was

patient and unbelievably supportive. He listened and dealt with anything that was thrown at him. We've been together for eight months now and I can honestly say he is the love of my life and my best friend. I never knew a relationship could be so calm and loving. He's taking on my little boy and their relationship melts my heart. I never wanted marriage or another child, but watch this space. Thank you girls from the bottom of my heart. You saved me. Keep doing what you're doing. You're helping people more than you'll ever ever know. I think you're incredible.

Your children will be so proud. We love dying to help. Honestly, we love hearing from you guys. We really do love hearing people taking on advice or even just listening and being like, and relating that to your situation, be like, hang on a minute. Like, I'm not being treated right.

I deserve more, this is not okay. And I think it's really powerful to hear about all these incredible women who build up that courage and leave and start over. I just think to hear that constantly, I know we say we get a lot of negative stories and of course we hear about loads of shitty shitty men but what we also hear from is hundreds of strong brave women and some men. And you know what can I point out and all those women that do the work and email us back find the good guys and let's actually highlight that I know we

speak about all the shitty guys so many times but then it seems like they all go and do the work and find the good guys, because they exist. And you're in a better place, you're attracting them into your life. 100%. I honestly feel like when people always say things like, oh, I just want to find someone, I want to find someone, I want to love someone,

I want them to love me, I really do believe that once we realize that we weren't the problem and that if we do the work, we do genuinely attract what we put out. If you are struggling to find that good person, carry on looking within. I genuinely believe there is always work that we can do on ourselves.

Journaling for me, game changer. Listening to podcasts, so helpful. Going to therapy, absolutely needed. Don't always put that pressure on like, there's no one out there, there's no one out there. I really do believe that you can manifest the person that you really want, but you can only manifest the perfect person

if you feel like you can offer that person what you want them to offer you. I understand that. Okay, this is called to stay or to go. Do you remember what you said? Yes, I will let you look at this. Hey girlies, I recently started listening, still catching up, so sorry if this isn't relevant to your current content. I've been with my husband for nearly 11 years now and

three married. He's been quite an explosive person in terms of his temper. Why are we getting to so many angry men? They need to fucking do the work. Do the work, tell him it. And as we met when I was so young, 19, I feel I just accepted the bad treatment because I loved him and I didn't know any better. I also didn't tell my friends as he told me not to so I didn't have that outside voice I needed. It is so interesting when you hear about people that start a relationship so young. I'm not for a second suggesting that anyone that starts a relationship young it won't work. You see it happen all the time

but it's so clear to me now looking back back, why my relationship didn't work. But I was none the wiser when I was 16 years old. It's funny, I was actually thinking this in the car the other day. You know how we like, when we wanted a new relationship, we're like, these are the things they want in someone. When I went into my last relationship that I ended up getting married in, I didn't ever have any of those. Like, I didn't have things I was looking for. I was so immature. But yeah, I was 16 years old.

I was just like, I fancy him. But like, yeah, it was just like, do you know what I mean? It's amazing what maturity does. Like I wasn't looking for certain qualities. But that's what I think is so refreshing when you're in a good place and you start dating in your 30s, because it's a whole different ballgame. Because now you're actually dating,

knowing exactly what you want, what you don't want, what you're put up with, where your standards are. And that's why it's important to do the work. What I was explaining at the beginning of this episode was I thought things were outstanding when they were absolute bare minimum because when you're comparing from down here that's why you've got to really understand what is it that one where your baseline is in a relationship. Now we have a little boy I feel like my

brain is altered completely and I've become really closed off to my husband as I feel very protective of my son and don't want him to see his dad had these outbursts. I spoke to my husband about me leaving and he's completely changed. He's now love bombing me, buying me flowers, saying how I'm his true love, but it's all giving me the ick. Wasn't expecting that. As I haven't had this treatment for the majority of our relationship and I'm already so closed off,

I cry now after we have sex. As I don't want to be there, but is that just after my baby brain? My son is now too. No, you shouldn't be crying after sex. I think it's interesting that you've explained to him how you feel and I almost want to recognize good on him in part for like trying to make changes

and trying to make you feel loved. And I just wonder if maybe you've spoken about this a little too late that you're so far in terms of like how you're feeling, like your feelings towards him have changed, but had you maybe spoken about this earlier, whether he might have been able to make those changes earlier before you've kind of, from listening in, it feels like you're already kind of like made up your mind.

Yeah. The thing is, one thing I will say, it's never obviously acceptable to have like explosive personality and like this that and the other but I'm assuming you were also young at that point when he was like don't tell anyone so I think because you put here let me quickly read this last bit she's put should I stay to keep my family together or should I trust my gut what she's telling me to run I'm in need of some reassurance that leaving when there hasn't been any recent

bad behaviour is okay. Maybe the grass won't be greener and maybe I'll be making a mistake. Is it the coward way out? First of all, I don't think leaving is ever the coward way out. I think leaving is actually harder. But the thing is, one thing I will say is, if he is willing to change and do the work, I think good on him, but what have you actually communicated? Have you just said, if you don't change, I'm going to leave? Or have you actually sat down and had a really mature conversation and been like, this is what I feel like I'm lacking. You've behaved this way and it isn't right for me.

This needs to change or this and this. So like, I feel like it depends. At the end of the day, if you're not wanting to be with him anymore, I don't think you're ever wrong for leaving a relationship that you're not here in. However, if you have someone that is willing to do the work and you want to make it work, not for your child, for you. For you, then it's also worth trying. But that's what I think it comes down to. Who are you staying for? By the sounds of it, it might be your son.

Yeah, I agree with Tash. I think what you need to do is have that full-on communication. How does he respond to actual, rather than just like throw flowers in your face and this, that and the other, how is he going to actually... But yeah, and maybe you communicating, well actually you doing this is making me feel this way.

What I actually need is whether or not, so what is it you're looking for? Having those completely honest conversations where you said like, I know there's been things in the past, but it doesn't sound like there's been any infidelity or any breaches of trust, things like that. I think this is a really good opportunity for you to both sit down and be like, look, kind of we're at a bit of a crisis point in our relationship.

Let's see if we can resolve it. Look, this is not a rush to the finish line. It's not a rush to make a decision. A relationship where there's children involved is a really big decision. And I think, I know for me, if I was in that situation, I think I'd want to know that I've exhausted all means of trying. But also I think that, like Carly said, I think it would be good for you to express,

I appreciate, so don't go in with like the, It's not what I wanted. Yeah. I really appreciate, I can see that you're making these changes, but for me, it seems a bit forced and fake because I know that that's not what you've been like. So yeah, do you know what? I have that conversation, but at the end of the day, one thing I will say, and we say it all the time, I don't believe you should ever stay for the kids regardless of whether anything, even if someone wrote in and they were writing in because they're falling out of love with their partner, but I want to stay for the kids.

Like even that, like your partner deserves to have someone love them. Like you should never stay because of your kids. Yeah, I agree. So yeah, should we do a confession of the week? Mm-hmm. This is something that I haven't actually told my friend before.

I don't ever plan on telling her. When we were much younger, I said, at least it's younger, when we were much younger and we were in secondary school, I found out that her boyfriend was cheating on her. I didn't wanna be the one to tell her because I wasn't sure if she wanted an eye. So I set up a fake Facebook profile, Facebook, and messaged her all the details

of how her boyfriend had cheated on her. She ended up taking the information and breaking up with him. But to this day, she has no idea that it was me and we are still friends. We are now 32. I actually think that's a good friend. Yeah. I would hate for one of my friends to know something that I didn't know. Yeah. I guess it's like that fine line between like you're not sure if they really want to know but you can't fit with it. I'd want to know.

No, but what I mean is like what the friend did, like she didn't know if she wanted to know. I said, yeah, did it. But can you imagine like carrying that with you the whole time? I think that's better than carrying, knowing they're cheating and doing nothing about it. Valid. Thank you for that. Let's do a little affirmation of the a little Affirmation of the Week.

Affirmation of the Week! With every relationship that doesn't work, it is a stepping stone to the right person. Steppy, steppy, steppy. I like that. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thanks for listening, guys.

Goodbye! See you next week.