Not As We Planned - 67. He Would Shag His Mum If He Could

Episode Date: December 5, 2024

When your partner just ups and leaves for no reason, talking about how divorce doesn’t fuck up the kids, when he leaves you for his ex and hearing from a man who wants our advice on coparenting Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high-am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode. It's December and I'm feeling this room is very festive, isn't it?

Naughty! Oh, it's got Naughty on the other side! Hey there! Love that. Are you on the naughty list? I'm always on the naughty list. Oh are you? Naughty baby! Silas, so we can't drop How's it been? Oh so it was the twins birthday yesterday I have seven year olds. That's wild. Mentor. That feels like not so dinky. To me now six sounds so young. Yeah. But you know when they're like approaching a new age, you're talking about it a lot, so by the time they turn it that I'm already used to seven. But it was really sweet, so I did like a little set up at home, balloons wrapped all their presents, had to build Ivy's Barbie Dream house. Obviously I didn't actually build it. But it just looked all really lovely. They came downstairs, they

had school, so came down early, opened all their presents before school. And it was just, do you know what? I've been sort of letting them know, as you get older, the amount of presents are going to lessen because what you're asking for is more expensive and it really felt like I had to really reiterate that's it to Blake to really and that he needs to understand. Because he asked for the Nintendo Switch and it's not a cheap gift so I needed to explain to him. Also, I always feel this pressure when you have twins. They need to open the same amount of presents, or they look at the size sometimes,

and Ivy's got this massive, hobby dream house, and obviously the Switch is really little, so I just really needed to kind of explain to them, these are the things you're asking for. You may not get them all, some may be for Christmas or this or that, but it's not going to be loads and loads of presents like when you were younger and the things were much cheaper. But they were just so sweet and like they was like, this is the best day

of my life. It was just so cute. Like I picked them up from school. They actually finish early because it was parents' evening, so it worked out really well. I didn't go. There's two different parents' evenings. Came back home, my mum came over, my sister came over, friends of theirs came over, opened all their presents, played for a bit and then took them to Pizza Express for dinner with their own friends, bought a cake and it was just really sweet. And then they went to their dad's just to sleep. I think I might keep this for Patreon, to be honest, what I'm about to say. Yeah, I don't want to put it on here. It's just to do with my ex-husband.

I'm intrigued. Yeah, because I haven't actually told you. No, I feel like we've actually spoke that last week. We've been so busy. But no, it was really nice and then I've got two parties this weekend. So you're two separate? Yeah. So, um. It's that age where. To be honest, they had separate last year but then I also did a joint for like two school classes and I felt like who does three? I

just thought like if they want separate, it's now separate. Boy, we get to an age. Yeah, definitely. Like either you want you wanted something really girly, Blake didn't quite rightly if he doesn't want it. So yeah, so that's this weekend. And I really just wanted to reflect on, I remember birthdays, I'm sure you can appreciate it and anyone that is a single parent, those milestones are really bittersweet.

And sometimes they can just be bitter. There's not even any sweetness about it. I remember the first few that I experienced, especially in that first year. It's really sad, especially with birthdays. I feel like I'm that sort of person that thinks, oh, what was I doing this time seven years ago? And all those memories are with the person that you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. I remember that used to make me feel really sad. This time last year when it was their birthday, I did cry and it did make me sad. I was just like, this just isn't how I ever thought it would be. I wasn't crying because I missed my ex-husband. It wasn't that I wanted to be with him. It

was just that reminder of like, this isn't what I thought my family would look like. And it is so refreshing. I did not have one ounce of salt in there. I've said this year, my love. There was just, there was nothing. It was the nicest day. They were so happy. It's been, it's our norm now.

And I'm so content with that. And then it was also just really nice to have someone else who like my boyfriend stayed over the night before, he hasn't met them. I've had a lot of people asking me questions like, oh, has he met them now? No, he does stay when they are at home. My kids do not come in my room. They call for me. He leaves before they wake up. And it was just really nice to have someone that like genuinely wanted to put in as much effort as I was, that really helped me like set everything up. So I'm not saying that he's the reason why I'm so content in my situation because I do

honestly think that even if he wasn't in the picture, that reminiscing part of me, it just isn't there anymore. I'm so much more content with the new. I think as well, like when we do reminisce about things like birthdays, we romanticised it because what I realised looking back this year at the boys birthdays was all like the happy memories and amazing things were things I created. And actually the happy memories didn't exist with, I don't even remember my ex like being, not in a rude way, but like we didn't really spend time together at the party and stuff like that.

My memories were just solely with my kids and actually that hasn't changed. No, it's funny that because I remember the night before Rome's birthday, he went out and I literally built the bike. I did all the decoration, do you know what I mean? And I actually think that that's more sad than doing it on your own and not having that expectation of like, when's he gonna be home and when's he gonna- Do you know what I also realized,

actually I've only just realized this as we're talking, but maybe the reason I've kind of transitioned that quite quickly in terms of like, I've had one year of like finding birthdays hard this year by Theos and Milo's I didn't and I wonder is because actually I only ever had three birthdays with Theo and one birthday with Milo before he was gone like it wasn't like a thing that happened every year and I don't have any fondest memories of it because actually I've done nearly as many on my own now. I understand. Do you know what I also think we said it the other week we said

that when I really think about things that it was in the Q&A that we did on Patreon and you know you were like what's the one thing that you've realised that helped you move on from your exes and I was like for me it's actually realising that a lot of the things that were good and that were in that relationship were there. I used it to the table and birthdays were always what I brought to the table he didn't take part in anything and it was actually great. He had to ask what we'd got like yeah I did everything. It's actually nice now that he buys his own gifts.

That's probably the first time he's ever had to think, what should we get? I don't actually know yet what he has got there because of the back and the back. But yeah, anyway. So no, it's been really lovely, one year older, and yeah, some nice memories made. What about you?

I like your jumper. Pink, I'm in my pimp girl era. Yeah, interesting. Good, fine. It was the longest my boyfriend's been away for like maybe like nine months and I just really missed him and it's really cheesy but you know when you just get used to seeing someone and we were on different time zones and bless him. His flight landed on Saturday morning and he went straight from his flight to meet me in London with like a whole Christmasy day out. It was really nice.

And yeah, I've just, I've had, I found the kids really hard this week. Their behavior has been, do you know what it is? And I've really noticed like the one thing in their behavior I'm triggered by is their fighting. Like nothing triggers me more. I feel like if it's to do with, I don't know, I feel like there's a lot of other situations of grumps and stuff where I feel like I can handle them well. There's something about them fighting that just makes me so frost and angry and I shout and then I feel

like, I don't know, I'm just in a weird place because I feel like I shout and then I'm like, oh shit, I'm basically showing them it's okay to shout when you're angry. Am I giving them really mixed messages? Like I'm shouting at them. Sometimes I feel like it's needed. It is needed. I think it's this enormous guilt we carry as parents, particularly as mothers. I feel like we second guess our responses all the time. I think there's only so much gentle parenting or talking a child out of doing something

like I want my kids to know it's absolutely never okay to physically hurt someone. Exactly. And I think that that's, I think that sometimes there's too much pressure. Or like, if you do that, you're gonna fuck them up long time. No, why not? There was no gentile parenting. This is what I'm trying to be okay with, but I carry this enormous guilt that I'm shouting and then I'm like, I'm shouting at them for shouting and now I'm sending them really confused.

But you're not shouting at them for shouting, you're shouting at them for being physical. Yeah, neither. It would be different if you hit them because they were fighting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's when it's like, mix signals. You're actually not. Yeah, just, I found that quite challenging. Bob, we've had some interesting chats this week about it. Like basically, like to the point I was like crying,

like sobbing my heart out to them. Just like, after, so basically after they were fighting, you know, and you just like literally, it's before the school run, whoever saw me in that school run, I apologize. You must have thought I was like traumatized. I was. And then, but I literally was like crying.

I was like, boys, like, mommy cannot carry on like this. I said, like, I look forward to our time together so much, because this was after like a long weekend and I feel like it happens a lot. Like they come back and it's like this explosion of emotions. Like Sunday night, the day I came back from his dad's, I had so many tears, I don't wanna go back. Like, and it's really difficult. And they tears. I don't want to go back.

And it's really difficult. And they said, I don't think that's what you actually mean. Like, of course you want to see your daddy, but it's really difficult. Then last night I went to my first event in probably two years. And I say no to everything. I sometimes feel like I use my kids as my safety net

and I make use of it as an excuse, not an excuse, because I don't have a lot of help. But my dad had offered to babysit. So I was like, do you know what? I what I'm gonna go I'm on my way home I'm about half an hour from home I get a call from my dad and he's like Theo's hysterically crying I was like put him on the phone but he was so hysterical he couldn't calm himself down to have a conversation with me and he he was crying the whole like the whole way from that phone call to when I get out as soon as I walk through the door, you know, and you can hear like as you're walking towards the door them crying.

It was horrible. Yeah, I'm finding like he's very attached. I think he's definitely processing some difficult emotions at the moment. And I'm finding that quite hard. And it's very full on and I'm, it's very full on and I don't'm it's very full on and I don't want I feel bad saying that I can give him what he needs but it's still a lot like when you're like at the end of the day like I've always said it it's it's hard enough trying to sort out our own emotions and then having to take on someone else's who can't articulate themselves properly and they don't necessarily know why they're feeling a certain way and what they need in order to look better. It is hard. I still have it with Ivy. We've been separated

for over two and a half years now. She still cries every time it's time to go to daddy. And it's heartbreaking because you do feel that guilt of like, I wish that this wasn't the case. I feel like I'm partly responsible for what you said. Yeah, that's how I feel. But then I say things to her like, remember if you didn't go to daddy, you'd never see him. And of course you don't want that, do you? She's like, no.

And I was like, so go, you'll find once you're there and then you're gonna be back with my career, really soon. That's it. And we've got a nice thing. So normally they go to their dads on a Friday, but this weekend we're actually, someone have come out, but yeah, we're actually taking my dad away for a surprise. It's his 80th birthday, so all my family are going to this hotel at the weekend and so the boys aren't going at

all and like Theo's like, I'm so excited, I have to say goodbye to you this weekend and so that's really exciting. So yeah, I'll report back next week about how... Can I actually just say on the subject of kids, like Ivy blows my mind. She's literally so mature and stuff that she comes out with. But the other day we were having a conversation and out of nowhere, both Blake and Ivy said to me, which I find really weird, it's like they know, but they don't.

They were like, we'd like you to have a boyfriend. And I was like, oh really, why? And Blake, just being Blake was like, just cause. And I was like, oh okay. And I was like, Ivy, Ivy, why do you? She's like, I just feel like three kids is really hard. And I feel like if you had someone else, it would be easier for you.

And I just thought like, sorry, are you 16? The A for thriller. I don't know, it just blew my mind. So I was like, oh, so you'd be happy if mommy had a boyfriend. And then Blake obviously took it way too far. I was like, yeah, and then can you like get married and have a baby? I was like, no.

But yeah, like. They are very, they are. Obviously my kids have met mine now, but I've never sat them down and be like, he's my boyfriend. But it's been like the last week and a bit, Theo goes, mummy, I know, he's your boyfriend. And they're like, we know he's your boyfriend. You cuddle and kiss him.

And the boys, they think it's really something to get all the giggles. No, it's cute. But no, it's really something they get the giggles. So it's really cute. But Nola, it's tough with the kids. Although we feel like we're now both in a good place of the whole separation and everything, I think it does come in waves with how the kids are. I mean, obviously, one thing I'm really, really feeling this week is like, I just want my divorce done. I can understand.

I'm just, I'm nowhere near. Are you anywhere near? No, nowhere near. Okay. And that is top priority for 2025. If I'm not divorced by the end of next year, I am going to, no, I'm not going to make any bold claims. I feel like that is one thing that I feel like is a big hang weight on me. I understand. I just want to cut ties with this man. I want everything

in place. I want limited conversation. I'm finding a lot of things incredibly frustrating. Well, like I said, we'll talk about it on Patreon because yeah, I need to look at it. I'm honestly, I'm like just at the point of being like, please divorce me. We need to maybe set some 2025 goals. We'll do that on another episode. Should we dig in? Men are wankers. I was drawn to it.

No, I'm joking. Not all men, a lot. Most. Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian super store with PC express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started.

That's the majority. Girls love listening to your podcasts. They make my train journey and sitting at my desk a little easier. So, I have been with my ex-partner since I was 12 years old. Wow. Now 29. Don't get me wrong, we have had our time apart, not because of anything bad, but we're

just on different pages when we're in college. Anyhow, fast forward years later, we have a home and now a baby, not even one yet. I really struggled when I had my son. Life felt heavy, extremely heavy in fact. I had an emergency c-section, my son got rushed into hospital when he was three weeks old, living with the outlaws, bad bad move, and had extreme anxiety, depression. I suffered a lot in silence. One day I decided to move back home and my ex came with me. A few weeks down the line I realised how much he didn't help. Did I ask too much because I was on mat leave and he was working? He was so obsessed with work and would just use work as an excuse not to help with the baby or help around

the house. So I told him to leave and just go back to his family for a few weeks. I just needed to breathe. Anyhow, he left and never came back. My son was only six months at the time. He's one next week. But my whole world feels like it's shattered. Every day seems unbearable. I've come from a broken home and I never ever wanted that to happen to my kids. I've felt that pain. I feel like I've failed and I feel like this is all my fault. My ex has been an absolute pig. I feel like there was never really a valid reason

as to why he left. I feel like his mom and dad got in his ear hole. I'm sure he would shag his mom if he could. Duh duh duh, incest. Tidal. He's been vile. He's seen me struggle paying my bills whilst I was on mat leave and didn't give me a penny. He told me the other day to get over it, said I'm bitter and I've lost

the plot. Girls, have I lost the plot? Am I bitter? Should I be over all of this by now? Is that it? No. He said, why does that make you bitter if you're not over it? It makes you human. And I think you were so right and validated to feel everything you felt. You spent like over half your life with this person and he thinks that... You've got a child with him. But how long have they been not together? like six months or something?

It's men like, yeah. Six months. Right, it is men like that, that wind me up so much because how can they comment on how you should feel about something that has actually massively impacted your life, your child's life, everything. It's not a blasé thing. It's not like, oh, like you're annoyed I went to the pub. You left your child and me, and me.

Like, I also, do you know what I really, really just have no tolerance for anymore is any kind of human, and not just men, any kind of human who belittles or does not validate how someone feels. Like it makes me annoyed when someone gets annoyed at you for feeling a certain way. It's like I haven't chosen to be feeling like this. Like I feel this kind of way and how I feel is valid. Like I think mourning what you thought your life was going to look with takes a massive amount

of time. It's not like we say it all the time, it's not a linear thing. There's not, oh, in this amount of months, you'll be fine. Like it doesn't work like that. It's just... No, so in response to your questions, you have not lost the plot. You're not bitter. The fact like he's perfectly fine with it just screams volumes about the kind of person

he is. You know, he's probably like, I don't want to get in your head, but putting it about and doing what he wants, you know. I think you need to start your healing in your own way and try and almost like actively, I'm not saying like you need to get over it, but actively start that healing process. Start journaling, start trying to move forwards and envisioning what you want your life to look like now, knowing he's not in the picture and just kind of, is that acceptance? It's that acceptance that that person you once loved doesn't actually exist anymore and you almost have to mourn them like you would if someone were to die. I also think that I just want to point out you said that you feel really like disappointed that you've now given your son like a broken

home like I guarantee you you don't look at us and think that like we've we've done wrong by giving our kids a broken home it's not a broken home it's a different type of yeah we're a family I think that's her so do I and don't use it for yourself but I know you said that it really damaged you growing up. Okay, so learn from that. It isn't. I actually saw something online. I can't remember completely what was said,

but it was really interesting. You know, when a child grows up and they get damaged by being from a broken home, I guarantee you, they're not damaged because from a broken home. I guarantee you, they're not damaged because of the broken home. They're damaged because one of the parents or the way that it was done wasn't done in the correct way. It isn't, if your parents get divorced,

the child is gonna be fucked up or the child is gonna have issues. If it's done in the correct way, if the children's needs are put first, and if you do it in a way that you really like and validate their feelings, go through their emotions with them and don't make it toxic, they will be fine. The divorced family and the two home family is not what mucks up the kids. It's how it is done and in front of the kids.

So it's much more dangerous and detrimental in a child's wellbeing for them to be in a really toxic, negative environment consistently and subliminally be told that's what you need to strive for and that's what's okay in a marriage slash I agree. Long-term relationship. Yeah, that's what ends up mucking them up.

Exactly. So yeah, like don't put yourself down about it. Thank you for emailing in. Taj will stood out to me. It's called an absolute head fuck. Are we ready? Hi ladies, loving your podcast. I've binge it since having my heart broken six weeks ago.

Fresh. I finally left and divorced and abusive marriage in 2019, 2020. I did a lot of work on myself and understanding what I deserve over the following year, I was then ready to date. In January 2022, I met someone on Bumble and we just clicked. The connection was instant. He was separated, had been married for 13 years, they'd met when they were 17, they split up in mid-2021. She told him she didn't love him anymore and then told him to move out.

He moved out in September 2021. That Christmas he asked her to try again but she told him she was happier without him. So January 2022 he was on the dating apps only for a month before matching with me. I knew it was early for him in fact I called him too new and questioned whether he was just on there to do some sleeping around as that's what most men do. He convinced me he was not that type of person and in the first few weeks of dating we had some pretty deep conversations. I felt I could trust all that he was saying but I was in no rush to push the relationship on. He wanted to explore us exclusively so the day before Valentine's Day he asked me to be his girlfriend. On telling his ex he'd met me a couple of months into our relationship she told him

she wanted to try again. God's line. To which she said she was only saying that because she didn't want him but didn't want him to have anyone, yeah, didn't want anyone else to have him. I told him I was happy for him to meet her and speak to her, but he didn't want to. Ended that year, he filed for divorce. His ex dragged her heels. Fast forward through two years, eight months

of our honestly absolutely amazing relationship to this October. We've been planning to move in together next year and really started our blending family life. I have two kids, 11 and 14, and he has three kids, eight, 14 and 15. But my dreams were shattered. Oh, don't tell me that.

We've been too positive recently. His dad had died in April this year, and since then he'd been really struggling. And with his financial order about to be agreed and the divorce coming to an end, he was finding he had everything really hard. And he was also having to give her all the equity in the house to start from scratch. So we agreed he'd go to counselling. A couple of days after his first session he came to see me and told me he discovered in

counselling that what was making him the most unhappy is that he really missed his kids and had this fear that if he didn't try to find out what went wrong in his marriage and try again, he would regret it and he owes it to his kids. He has his kids two nights every weekend. This absolutely destroyed me. I've gone from feeling so safe and secure, planning our future to broken in pieces and left in the darkness. Even though we had always been very good at communicating, he couldn't explain all of this to me. A week later and through seven hours of us both crying, he ended us, but left saying that he loved me. Since then I struggled

to not contact him as I was so confused and a couple of weeks later I went to see him with lots of questions I needed answering. He's been continuing the counseling and is learning about himself and how to be in his emotions. He had told me that he suppressed all those feelings about his marriage due to our relationship being so good and falling in love with me. He was very conflicted with being in love with me and being happy with me, but wanting his kids in his life every day and missing that family unit and what family means to him. I've got a lot to say about this but I will carry on. He told his ex his head was a mess and she has told him I can live with trying and failing but not not trying so from what I can get out of him I believe he's going to try and

get over me and then go to counselling with his wife and see if they can start again. If there is a chance of putting his family back together he says that he feels that he has to try but I just don't understand at all. From his side it seems like he's going back for the kids and not her but knows he has to have a relationship with her in order to do that and knows it has to be different to what it was yet how can he after she told him she didn't love him and they haven't been together for over three years now and he fell in love with me. From her side maybe she's realised

the grass isn't always greener, she's had on and off relationships and she wouldn't have to sell the house and would be more financially stable but ultimately she fell out of love with him and wanted a single life. I sure feel strongly that women with children do not make that decision lightly and how she will forget that he fell in love with me and had a 2.8 year relationship. The kids are not really young anymore and children sense everything. So if they're both doing it for the sake of the kids, it's more damaging for them. Plus when the kids are living their own lives, what would they be left with? I do not know how to let go or move on, knowing that there's nothing wrong with us. We were what each other needed. He loves me and I love him and I just can't give him his kids every day. My heart dreams, my heart dreams and trust all shattered and I'm in such a dark place. Any advice welcome. I'm so sorry.

I'm also really confused to hear their ages because they probably even if they're like they'll be like doing their own thing on the weekends like it I'm not saying for a second that if they were like one three and two or whatever that I'd understand it but like this is this doesn't make any sense to me there is absolutely no logic behind it if you have found someone else that you're in love with and your ex who you haven't been with for three years didn't want to be with you and now they're divorces about, I honestly think that he's not seeing straight because maybe his dad has died and his... I know. It's confusing as well because it

doesn't sound like there was infidelity or like no it was her saying she's not in love which actually is just as bad because who wants to be with someone who doesn't love them and I wouldn't go that because of the kids I feel like there was infidelity he probably wouldn't right I don't know that whole thing for me is mind blowing. I feel like it is so weird. It doesn't add up. Honestly, hearing it, I think because I'm in a really secure relationship that's been going for some while now and putting myself in your shoes, if that was to turn around and happen to me, I would be absolutely flawed, like absolutely heartbroken.

And I think the only advice I can give you, and it will be very, very difficult, is as hard as it is to hear, he's not chosen you and you deserve to be with someone who isn't tempted in by an ex-wife who can't even give him that love and stuff. I would want to be with someone who would choose me in every single situation. And that is what he's made it out though that he's doing it because he wants to be with his kids. But I'm really sorry and I hate to break it to you, but that's what happens when marriages fall apart or relationships fall apart when you share kids. You don't get to have your kids all the time and it is shit but wouldn't you rather push to have

them more and be with the person that you love rather than just go back to your ex-wife? Not even that. You know what? Actually I've realised like and I speak about it a lot with my boyfriend. My boyfriend has his kids 50% of the time. He sees them most days. We both agree that when you obviously no one chooses to have those days apart from your kids but we both agree you can give so much more and a better version of yourself when you have got that time away. And when you're happy. Yeah like they get so much more from like he said to me like my kids are the happiest they've ever been because they're getting a better version of him, better version

of her. My kids are happier they're getting a better version of him, better version of her. My kids are happier, they're getting a better version of me, a better version of my ex, hopefully. But that is more beneficial than just a number of hours. But doing this for the kids, he's doing it for him. That's the difference. You think you're doing it for the kids, but you're actually not. But that's also not your job to persuade a man. That's not the right decision. He needs to figure that out on his own and you deserve to be with someone who can see that. Yeah. I've got to be honest, I'm shocked reading that. I feel like that doesn't really make sense. It doesn't actually make sense to me. I'm really sorry that. I feel like that is... doesn't really make sense.

It doesn't actually make sense to me. I'm really sorry that if we haven't like given you enough advice but I think you need to try and be strong and go no contact because... and don't do it to make him realize what he's missing because he should never put himself in a position to lose you in the first place. Ex-husband begging for co-parenting advice. put himself in a position to lose you in the first place? Mm-hmm. He wasn't. Ex-husband begging for co-parenting advice. It's from a man. You're from a man.

You're a man. Hi ladies, I'm writing in as I've been listening to your podcast, it's my marriage broke down two years ago. I'm hoping to get some advice from a female's perspective on my situation. We love her. So from background knowledge first, I was married for four years and we have two beautiful children together. My marriage broke down for many reasons. I wasn't happy for years,

but long story short, I did the inhumane and cruel, cowish way out of having an affair instead of leaving when I wasn't happy. It was an emotional affair which resulted in a kiss and then I left my wife the next day. The guilt of the affair breaks my heart every day and I wish I never left in a selfish way. My needs in every way weren't being met, but I should have left before it ended up like this. Fair. All communicated. Perhaps. Yeah, at least he knows he did. Unfortunately I fell in love with someone else. I'm still with my partner one year on as well. I must add, I wanted to tell you guys this, so when I tell you what comes next, at least

you have some background knowledge. I'm not claiming to be a victim in this story or an innocent man. So we always agreed we'll be amicable in front of the kids and they came first. I understand how much I hurt my ex and I hate what I did, but she is being so unreasonable with the children and I'm at breaking point. She controls everything I do, when I see them, where I take them, who they see, how long I can see them for. To go into a bit more detail, she only gives me a few hours a week to see them.

I don't get them overnight, I don't get them for holidays, birthdays, Christmas, etc. I won't see them all the time and this seems unfair. She makes comments to the children saying I don't love them and I left them for my partner. She hears arguments of me in front of the children resulting in them being upset. She won't update me with any details about them and refuses to tell me anything about their days. She refuses to meet me to discuss divorce, finances, house, and child arrangements. I know she hates me so the comments on text are kind of expected, but in front of the kids it's not appropriate. She tells the kids I don't want to see them.

She won't let them see my family. She turns up unannounced when it's my day with them so they end up saying they want to go home with her. She doesn't let me say goodbye to them. I'm paying half the mortgage, child maintenance and buy anything the children need or want. I ask about them every day. I beg to see them more, but she still won't be amicable. I understand I broke her heart and I'm so sorry for that, but she is affecting the children's welfare and they are not seeing a healthy co-parenting relationship. I'm worried my children will think I don't want or care about them, but I don't do anything to have them in my life. It's been two years and I've tried to avoid court or any legal proceedings but I'm at a loose end now. Please can you give

some advice from a female perspective about this situation and any advice on how to proceed please? Yes, I fucked up with my ex-wife but I'm trying to not let this affect the children's lives and try my best not not hurt her anymore through court. I have sent proposed parenting plans, but she always says no. She wants them 24-7, but I do too. I'm begging to get my children. Just because I messed up doesn't mean they deserve this unhealthy parenting relationship. And to not see their dad, I think their dad hates me.

Thanks girls, keep doing what you're doing. I hope this makes the podcast a more men come forward to seek advice. Many thanks." Can I just say, if someone's not going to sort out the divorce and that aspect of things, you sometimes do have to make decisions like starting the legal process, whether or not that's something you ever wanted to do. The fact you're not getting any time with your kids, the fact she's intruding on that, the fact she's controlling it is not okay. There's a fine line between accepting that you can't control how the other parent behaves and lowering your expectations, but there is a complete extreme level to not have access to your children. Children cannot be used as a weapon. You cannot, she cannot take that

away. You legally have a right to have a relationship and any judge will ensure, you know, whether that's every other weekend or whatever it is, that you have some kind of formal plan and relationship. If everything that he is saying is legit and he's not like, into drugs or anything that will make her feel like they're not safe with him, then what she is currently doing, how she's treating the process is so unbelievably wrong. My advice would be to let her know. I'm letting you know now if you cannot come to some sort of compromise with me, I will have to take legal action. I would.

Because I will not accept these circumstances and you shouldn't have to. Like, yes, you did wrong, but. Move forward. No, it's like, she needs to do some fucking work on herself. I'm sorry, like that is not okay. And it's so poisonous on her children to bad mouth you. Like shame on her, sorry.

And you know what, like, as someone who doesn't necessarily like think the world of her ex-husband, I only say positive things about him in front of my kids because I would never want the way I feel about someone to impact how they feel. Like I want my kids to think they've got the most amazing daddy in the world and that makes me really sad to hear that. But also, you say she controls what you do when you've got your kids, you're a parent, you have parental

responsibility. It's one thing I've actually found really hard is having no control over what they do there. So I honestly, I think you have to reach a point where you're like, I've tried to do this as amicably as possible without legal action, without the courts involved, but the sad reality is that it's not possible for everyone. I think you need to, it's annoying, the finances, it's annoying that it's gonna cost more money and stuff like that, but just look at it as a means to an end and you'll get to see your children.

There's no judge in the world that will not allow you access to your children. I agree. I thank the world that will not allow you access to your children. I agree. I thank you for sending in. I really appreciate it. It's really nice to actually see that there are men out there that want our advice. And also like you've taken the case, you're like, yeah, like I was a dick, like I had an affair. And also like there's nothing you can do now. Also, like I always said, take your chance to see if you're actions and then try your best to at least to have a good co-parenting relationship. There's definitely been times,

especially in the beginning of my co-parenting relationship, I hated the sight of him. My kids will never know that because I'm putting the kids first. And we've always said, you need to love your kids more than you hate your ex. So she's not doing that. No, I think a lot of people don't do that to be honest.

Yeah. And also just on that, separate note, just a little message to you. I won't say your name, but I really hope that you do look back at how you executed your response to not having your needs met and learn from it and make sure you don't make the same mistake in the relationship you're in now and make sure you communicate your needs and don't cheat ever again. Sure confession of the week. Okay I'm currently divorcing my narcissistic abusive ex- Anyway over time I've been logging my catalogue of Get Your Own Back stunt but I leave him before it's his turn in the house with the kids.

There's more that I haven't recorded but here are some of the things he hates the most in the world that has given me minutes of the greatest pleasure. Yes I know I'm immature, childish and pathetic but we've got lots of giggles from it. Hope this makes you laugh. She sent a video. Shards! No she hasn't. No milk for morning coffee. Oh like she's made a reel. I'm dead. She's pouring all the milk out so no she's only having a tiny bit.

Leaving the cloth soaked with water. Not hanging up the tea towel. Oh she's making the tea towel all wet. That is so funny. I love it. Me too. Emptying water and putting it back in the fridge empty. She's just emptying it with water filter. She's basically doing lots of things just to inconvenience him.

Leaving all the chargers and wires out. This is so funny. Left the chairs in the hall. She's leaving the drawers slightly open. She's leaving the chain dangling from the front door. I hate that. She's been with him that long. Putting back empty boxes of food in the cupboard. Oh, that primes my gears.

Leaving all food in the cupboard. Oh, that primes my gears. Leaving all food in the sink. And she's leaving a McDonald's bag in the recycling and he's kosher. That is brilliant. Thank you for sending that. That was a nice ending to all our emails. Should we do a little affirmation of the week? Let's do an affirmation. What are you thinking? I will focus on the things that I can control and not stress about the things that are beyond it. Yes, absolutely. I think that might be very important.

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