Not As We Planned - 68. And People Say Men Can’t Multitask

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

When you find a new partner but you’re missing the bad boy, a segment of women in male fields, struggling to let go of your abusive ex and we finish with a gorgeous happy ending after a narcissistic relationship. Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys, hi, you're listening to not as we planned so get ready for honest raw unfiltered unhinged story Where we share our advice opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing We want to point out we are not qualified professionals Although I feel the higher one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties Hello guys, hi welcome back don't forget if you're not already a member, go sign up to Patreon, the chat is chatting. And yeah, please, please, please, guys, I was looking at our Apple reviews and we haven't had one since like October.

So if you listen to this weekly and you enjoy it, please go and write about it. It really, really helps us. It will literally take you less than a minute. We're not asking for an essay, just some nice comments, but... and five star. Yeah, but that goes without saying. If you don't do a five star day, Bob, we're doing it please. I imagine all of a sudden we get this influx of like a two star. Trowling. Boring.

Shit, shit, a rapping. Actually, we literally just got a comment. Basically, I think you guys might want more. Yeah. I'll just like beatbox and background. You can come out in the ballerina. Right, let's have a catch up. How was your week? Well, I had the twins' birthdays. So that was really, really nice.

Not gonna lie, I'm very happy it's over. It's just very overwhelming when I had two parties. Yeah, two, and you did it different, separate this year, didn't you? Yeah, so I had one party on the Friday afternoon because they finished school early, so it was just easy. And then on the Sunday, and it wasn't my weekend, so it just felt very full on. But they loved it, they had the best time, opened all their presents.

And now before I know it, I've got to think about Christmas. And then I feel like after that, I want to sort out Roman's birthday. But anyway, no. You've got quite a lot of time with nothing. So that's great. Yeah, no, it was really good. And, oh no, I mentioned it in Patreon, didn't I? About- Oh yeah, you did.

I just- Because I was just about to say, it's sorted now, but I'll talk about that on there. Um. Um. Well. Um, what else? I don't really feel like I've got any other update. I feel like that's sort of like consumed my week.

What about you? I feel like mine's quite big, so I appreciate that. What do I not know about it? It's not, no, like I said, I'll update you on like what we've been up to, but then do you remember I mentioned on Patreon that I had this big thing no like I say I'll update you on like what we've been up to but then I Do remember I mentioned in patreon that I had yeah, it's big things. Oh, yeah, I'm on sat even to add on here Yeah, yeah, yeah, why not?

Yeah, well, okay, I will cuz just cuz I think maybe people might be able to relate But I'll get on to that in a second. But yeah, this weekend was actually a really special weekend It was my dad's 80th and we had organized a surprise weekend away, like all my family, the kids. He thought he was going to a quiet weekend away with my mom. I actually felt quite bad. Can you imagine if he actually would have preferred it? I know, that's what we were laughing about. My dad would have.

So we, they were there first at the hotel and then obviously like the kids had school and here I had like a disco and his cousin had something else on. So we got there about six and then we all went down, we had a private dining and we were all there and then mum walked him in and we were like, surprise. And he was so shocked and it was just so lovely. I hate the word wholesome, but honestly it was the most wholesome weekend. We've never done stuff like that as a whole family and like my dad was like obviously I've spoken about it before my dad was like most of punk

critic council last year and he was he was saying this weekend he's like we need to do this more. It's like I don't have a lot of time like we need to do this more often that has been I think everyone needed it. The kids were all exceptional. It was really nice my boyfriend was there on the Friday night and it's the first like big family thing he's come to and I always think kids were all exceptional. It was really nice. My boyfriend was there on the Friday night and it's the first big family thing he's come to. And I always think it's quite interesting to see what people are like in those situations. My family are very, very, very loud. It's very intense. Like people just shout over each other all the time. It's a lot. And he was brilliant. Like he literally just slotted in and he,

just every time he spends more time with my kids, it just makes me love him more. Like he's so brilliant. He's one of those people, like not just my kids, like my sister's kids would be sat there, bear in mind, it's dinner. Dinner with kids is not the most enjoyable.

He'd like to spot something and he'd like get up and he'd like get up and he'd go and like try and distract them and play with them and I don't know, it was just so lovely. And then Monday he took the day off work and we had a date day and then we picked the kids up from Dio's friend's house and Milo's child mind and the kids were really excited to see him. And then it's just nice them spending more time together, they're building that bond. They actually didn't want to play with me, they just wanted him. Yeah, it's like a new shot of a toy.

Yeah, it's really nice and I think the more I see it, the more it kind of reassures me that this is going to work in the long time. Like for me, it was, I guess to some extent of it, where it took so long for us to introduce the kids, I was like, shit, then what if he's not great with my kids? What if they don't get on? And you have all these worries and I was thinking, what if I've spent 18 months and then it all goes downhill from here? But it's just reaffirmed everything I already expected. And yeah, it's just left me feeling quite good. Good. I'm glad.

So, I think more so since I've been in a relationship and everyone keeps asking me, do you think you'll have another baby? Sorry. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no, no, no more kids. Obviously we've both got kids. And whilst that is still true, I 100% don't want any more kids in my situation. I don't like, we've spoken before

about reasons why both of us don't want kids. And I think what I've realized is when I had my two, when we had Milo, I was very much under the impression there would always be a third child. That had always been our plan. And so I feel like when I had Milo, I never had that time to take it all in and be like, this is my last child, I'm going to absorb it all and really enjoy it. I felt like I was very much just, I struggled with the transition from one to two, much more than I did zero to one. And I think I was so lost in it that I didn't appreciate it. And it's only just hit me that I'm not going to have another baby. And I had this conversation with my boyfriend on Monday because I just wanted him to understand what was going on in my head because it's something I've been thinking

about and I think at first it was like, oh shit, she wants a baby. It wasn't that at all. I just said, I think I need to allow some space and some time for me to actually grieve that and grieve. I guess it's almost like what we say when we say like grieve the life you'd planned for yourself. But for me it was like grieving the fact that I'll never have that newborn, like I'll never have that again, I'll never have that chance to really take it all in and know like that was my last. I think it's really hard having your last baby without knowing it's your last baby. I'd always very much been under the illusion, both me and my ex were one of three and it was always like, we'll have three kids.

It's just, I don't know, this week I've cried about it. I felt really sad. I felt like almost a loss. Like I think it's because I'm a very, very maternal person and like I know I'm a good mom and it's something I always thought. And then I was speaking, so we were speaking about it and he was like, what is it about it that you feel sad about? Is it, do you feel sadness about like not having a newborn? Is it about having a bigger family? Like what is it? And I was like, I don't even know what it is. I think it's more the fact I felt like I wasn't able

to appreciate Milo and all the newborn stuff and like really taking in this, my last time I'll do this. I said more than that he was like because if it's a big family you want we've got that like and I said I don't want anything I want you to there's nothing to fix there's nothing you can do I'm not asking for a baby that's not what I want it's just allowing that space feel sad about it and yeah okay. Yeah I get it I really do. When I had Rome, I was under the illusion that he was my last. I definitely did things,

I can't say I did things differently because it was very different having Twink than having a solo like Singleton. But I went through a stage for a really long time where I was like, yeah, I'll have another baby. Like I absolutely have another long time where I was like, yeah, I'll have another baby. Like I absolutely have another baby. So I'm like the opposite. Like now I'm like, no, like I don't want, yeah, babies. And I actually love the idea of a blended family, but it's a different concept because

mine's more like how nice to have so many. Like I always, so I spent a whole year thinking I'm going to have another baby and I'm like, Oh, do you know what? There may be more children in my life. They're just not by that. Well, that's a hundred percent. I've always imagined myself with a big family. That's always what I'm not the traditional thing that you guys thought it was. It was not even that. Like I'm so excited by the idea of a blended family because I know it's gonna work and like, obviously, yeah, it's nothing to do with that. It was more the fact I wasn't, I felt like enjoying those newborn parts and the being at the last have been taken away from me.

Yeah. Does that make sense? Oh, I do that. There was a really weird like realization because I think as well like I don't know if I've been like repressing that I've been okay with it and it's just something I've like got over and I'm very blasé with it. I'm like oh no more kids and like that's still very much what it is for me. I don't want kids. I'm very very content in our situation and there's a multitude of reasons why I don't, but it's not the having a large family bit for me.

It's not being able to. I think I do understand. I get what you're saying. It's weird. It was weird. A weird realization anyway. Should we get so yeah. Okay.

This is called, Is There Something Wrong With May? Probably. I doubt it. He probably makes you feel like that. Okay. This is cold. Is there something wrong with me? Probably I doubt it. He probably makes you feel like them. Yeah Hi ladies, please keep me anonymous I've been listening to the podcast on both platforms and they think you were both an asset to all us women Going through bad relationships navigating single motherhood and can resonate in all good and bad experiences My current situation is a head scratcher and I'm just looking for a bit of advice, bit of a backstory. I left my partner of 11 years finally after finding out again he had been unfaithful to me. Found out originally in 2022 where I flew to a different country to catch

him out. Oh, sorry movie yes, can you imagine? It's a lot of money to like... And the second last Christmas when his girlfriend of a year started getting suspicious, I thought we'd been able to try and rebuild our relationship all the while he was leading a double life. Wow. Wow. The sheer juggling of a double life blows my mind. Like, it's hard enough to juggle one. Wow, the sheer juggling of a double life blows my mind. It's hard enough to juggle one. Oh yeah, honestly. And people say men can't multitask.

No, they choose not to multitask. They can't multitask when it comes to listening and watching the football, but they can juggle two relationships at once. Make that make sense. That takes a lot. Make that make sense. How does a lot. Make that make sense. How does that work for a year? I think it's called selective multitasking. Yeah. That's a new term. It's a year. You've managed to lie and like intertwine lies and like they must be fricking convincing.

Love eyes. I don't. I've said it before though, I feel like my ex led a double. I did. I think to some extent all these, I don't want to say men, let's say humans who have affairs need double animals. Mammals. Sorry, I'm going completely off topic here. Oh no, you wouldn't have seen the trailer because you haven't seen Wicked yet. Have you seen the trailer for Robbie Williams? Yes, I have. I see a monkey. It was Vanessa Gladys. I was coming in there watching. Fair

enough, I made them all monkey. It's like bear all normal. There's just like monkeys. It was me. Of course I wouldn't be a human. I was like, I was trying to watch it. I don't know, it's really funny because then there's a whole trend going on TikTok because you know there's monkeys in the end of Wicked. And then I was like, well, I'm probably William the Wicked. I know, it's very confusing. I don't know if I'm pretending. Honestly, like it's scary. Imagine being like, they're making a film on me. Can I just, can I be a monkey?

I'd feel like, can you imagine that? He'd make a double eye. He'd be in total... I think you might need some help, Robbie Williams. Email in, babe, email in. Okay, hold on. What were you saying? No, I'm saying, I think to some extent any person who manages

an affair is leading a double life to some extent. They carry it on for longer. Yeah, sorry. I don't know what I'm all like. Mammal down. Mamily. Okay. This relationship was toxic. He was total textbook narcissist, gaslighter and deflector. Everything was my fault. I was the one that was total textbook narcissist, gas lighter and deflector. Everything was my fault. I was the one that was up to no good and he didn't trust me. I was the reason he did what he did. Obviously. I can't believe he made him cheat. What was it? A bit. Because I never showed him enough love and attention and if I didn't, he wouldn't

have had to have gone elsewhere to find her. That is probably the biggest classic. All the while I was working full-time raising our daughter, keeping and maintaining our home, whilst he would go out with friends to events, football, and stay up till all hours drinking and the next day be so hung over to do anything. It was very much one rule for him and one rule for me. He would call me names, pick fights over the most stupid of things and make me feel guilty over nearly everything I did, said even down to what I would wear. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that. He was very controlling and manipulative. I gave my relationship every last bit of energy I could until enough was enough when the last revelation came out. I walked and

since then have a home for me and my daughter, a job that I love and surround myself with friends and family that always supported me and also the ones for years told me he's not a good one. It's always that straw that broke the camel's back and I think everyone's got a different limit with where that lies and some people it takes a lot, a lot, a lot for them to find out. And then I feel like it is that light bulb moment that there's something that is someone's final limit. And they're like, I'm not, I'm not. I told you, my light bulb moment was really, literally, considering everything else that I had put up with. But I feel like for me,

as each sort of like let down disappointment lie, betrayal, like was adding up, adding up, adding up. It was like I was right at the edge of the game. All I needed was him to literally be like this. And then I just fell off. And it was just like, no, like I'm just so done now. Yeah, it is just enough. And I take great satisfaction and pride that I walked away and didn't tolerate that behavior anymore for the sake of my self-worth. And for my daughter's sake, I didn't want her being raised in a home where any of that was acceptable. Love that. So here I am 11 months later and I've been dating since May. Again, I've dated the nicest guys,

but from my end, just no spark. And some guys that say they want a relationship, play a bit of a game or say they wanna be with me, but ultimately it doesn't work out that way. The fuck boys, the ones you chase, the ones you find a challenge. Now this is where I struggle. I've recently started dating a guy and he is perfect.

He is incredibly handsome, has a great job, own home, head screwed on, knows what he wants. He's great to be around, so loving and caring, literally a walking green flag. What's the color? He tells me and shows me how much he likes me. My company compliments me, just everything I need and want and deserve. I feel safe with him and trust him completely.

But... But I can't help but seal off. I can't put my finger on it, but part of me wishes there was a bit of a dicky side to him. I hate to say, but am I ultimately attracted to a bit of a bad boy or someone who is a bit of an arse? Is this just something I'm so used to with my previous relationship and the previous guys I've dated where I felt I'd be chasing the guy, the challenge, the anticipation of an argument or drama? It's honestly sending me crazy and questioning

what is wrong with me or am I just used to someone treating me a certain way when in actual fact this is the way I should be treated all along with this new guy. I like the guy. I've been seeing him a lot and he is definitely into me more than I am him. It's not to say I won't get there but I feel this barrier is really affecting the way I feel towards him. Any help, tips or advice on how to navigate through this would be great. Keep doing what you're doing. You girls are honestly truly amazing and you have

helped me so much. This reminds me, you know the trend which we're gonna speak about women in male fields. Yeah. You know the men have started doing it the other way. Stop it, have that. Have you not seen? No. And one of them is when he says you're too nice or something like that. And you do hear that a lot with the girls, like he's just too nice, like he may be a bit like wet or like, do you know what, there's a difference between having no backbone. There's a difference between having like no backbone, no like. No, I think that's different. Yeah, that's no good, like a bit of a wet blanket. That's still a red flag because you want someone

who's got that. I would say it's a red flag, it's just not the type of personality that many women would want. Anyone would. Yeah, poor little wet fish. But, pitching this fish as I was able with no water. But this is, to me, it sounds like what you said, like you're craving that dopamine here is quite toxic. I think it's because of what you're used to as well. And it's that chasing that excitement and rush it gives you. But it's what we've said before is that you should be calm and your nervous system should actually be regulated with the right person. You should be calm and calm. I don't think it's that he's the wrong person. I think that you need to do some work. Yeah,

you need to do some work on yourself because you're looking for that toxic behaviour. This is going to be a really random question for you. And I hope that you don't take offence because I'm absolutely not a professional, but I'm just curious. You're a king of bitch. Do you by any chance have ADHD? The only reason I ask that is because I've self diagnosed myself and I do a lot of research about it and people with ADHD have a chemical imbalance of dopamine and they like need to chase it and that's why sometimes people with ADHD in relationships do tend to...

Skip into my son. Do tend to kind of like crave that dopamine hit or kind of enjoy that when they're like pulled back or they're not quite where... It's like that rush of when are you gonna get that hit from them, they're suddenly like showing you that they're nice and then they pull away a bit. I'm just intrigued.

That may be nothing to do with your personality whatsoever. I do think it's something you need to like delve into and figure out why that's what you're searching for. Like I think you need to absolutely do some kind of work. Yeah, I think the journaling will help. I think even the fact you've written in about that shows you almost know that's... Not okay. Yeah, and that's not someone who's going to be able to offer you all the things you ultimately would like from a life partner.

So, because he does sound great. He does sound great. He does take all those boxes and it would be such a shame if you miss an opportunity because you're looking for something that is actually not going to serve you. I agree. So we put a little question box on our Instagram because if anyone hasn't seen the trend on TikTok, it's called women in male fields

and what it pretty much is, is women saying things that men have done, but they're saying it as if they're doing it. So give us an example, Carla. Do you know what? It's very eye-opening as to how many people have gone through the same thing. Oh, completely.

Okay. I actually posted one and it was when he looks through my phone and finds out I've been cheating, but I turn it around on him and tell him that he's just paranoid and he shouldn't have gone through my phone. We'll get a mail to my audience. I'm probably shouldn't. I'm saying I'm probably shouldn't. I'm just saying bullsling.

Oh, here's another classic, I posted this one too. When he tries to communicate with me, but I tell him that he's just starting an argument. Classic. Okay, so yeah, you guys said this one, this one, okay? He sent me a paragraph explaining how he felt and I replied with, I don't know what you want me to say right now.

And he was crying. This is one that's really common. He was crying in bed. So I said, here we go again and turned around and fell asleep. Oh my God. Relate. Treated him like shit again but it doesn't matter because I'll just hit him with the I promise I'll change this time terms. He told me to unfollow the

bodybuilder Insta model so I hit him with, fine I'll just delete the whole app. This is the best trend ever. It's brilliant. When he goes away for a weekend with his friends and everyone asks, but who's looking after the children or your wife, Coke, without you? I hate it when people, slightly off topic, but when people tell me that the kids, like I'm really lucky that the kids dad doesn't let them down or like, when he's meant to have them, that's like a really positive thing. Or it was when he used to babysit. Yeah, Yeah. But who's got, like, is your husband a babysitter? No, like, he's the dad. I've got a lot to say on that at the moment. Oh. When he clearly caught me cheating and wanted to search through my phone so I hit

him with, if you don't trust me we can't work this out. Left him on read whilst being active on every form of social media and said, sorry, I'm never on my phone. I saw a funny one. It was something like, I can't remember. It was something about story views. I've seen one that said, left him on read, but liked my story. Yeah. Like that, yeah. I didn't want him going out with his friends, but of course I'm out every weekend because I'm a woman, obviously I can.

No, I didn't. Oh, dear. Classic. Should I do one more? Yeah. Make it a good one. This is funny. Okay. This is funny. Okay.

This is for all you mums out there. Woody's been home all day with the baby, overstimulated, hasn't eaten or gone to the bathroom in hours, but I just got home from work and need to take my 30 minute poo shower and ask what's for dinner. I'm relying. Right, let's get into another, let's get into a new man.

Guys, we've got another Australian listener. Do it. Do you know what? I think we're just going to need to move. I think. We're going down the under. That's a big time difference. Might have to take my babies with me.

I don't think I could be that far. I'm scared of the plane journey. It's a bit long. I could deal with that. I've done it. I've been to Australia before. I don't think I could do that plane journey with my kids. She's from Perth. Alright guys, here we go.

Hi ladies, love the pod. I'm an avid listener all the way from Perth, Western Australia. Love it. Still can't get over that we've got Australian listeners. That's wild. My husband and I were together for 15 years, high school sweethearts. Our wedding day was easily the best day of my life. I need to be topped by the birth of our son a year later. Transitioning to parenthood was hard, I found it very isolating but soon found my rhythm in motherhood and loved watching my boy grow. Fast forward to September 2023. We had just returned from a family holiday in Bali, planning to try for baby number two, looking for our forever home, when suddenly

my husband flicked a switch and was gone. I get that. What you mean like? Like mentally. Yeah. Yeah. He began partying most nights, not coming home from work, angry all the time, zero communication, drink driving, you name it, he was doing it.

He gave me no answers for what was happening, instead used abuse to hide whatever emotions he was going on. Instantly I flagged this with his family, who did nothing to help. This behaviour went on for months, no communication, barely ever home, not seeing our son. One day telling me he doesn't love me, but the next crawling into bed at 4am saying let's have another baby. He had isolated me from his friends and family, allowing no one to the house and refusing to attend Christmas, becoming increasingly more abusive both emotionally and physically. It was torture. I turned to anyone and everyone who I

thought could help him. Friends, family, football coaches, old bosses. I was desperate, my world was falling apart and I wasn't coping. A summer's reading my mood and slowly I was fading away to a shell of my usual self. Anyone who reached out to my husband was swiftly cut off and I soon realised no one could help me here. By January things had escalated to a dangerous level. He had drained our bank accounts, redrawing off the home loan weekly. Was regular- I can't- Regularly.

Regularly. Regularly. Regularly. Regularly. Regularly. Oh my god. I've changed the word. It's really annoying you.

It's really annoying that I can't say that. Was- was using drugs. Had become increasingly more violent. And yet you guessed it, was caught on a date with her. Another one. What? Colleague. Another one.

Oh, for God's sake. I think all men should work from home. Like, do you think COVID- Like, my boyfriend's on a work trip at the moment. Do you think COVID stopped affairs? For the time being. Hmm. Yeah, probably it was at a lower rate.

Which lets them have a hype walking using their one-walker-dancy. What are you doing? Why is my microphone really not out there? Why? Here's the catch. Oh. He was best mates with this chick's boyfriend. if I'm really out there. Why? Here's the catch. He was best mates with this chick's boyfriend who also worked with them. Oh, and we were still very much married.

I opened my laptop, got into his Facebook and realised this affair has been going on the entire time. What? They were together for like years? Yeah, but I think since he switched off. Fine, I understand. There were months of hour long calls, messages to her family members, photos, the works. I was devastated, a message to Del's boyfriend immediately with a picture for proof. As soon as my husband realized I had contacted him, he stormed home from work and created hell for my son and I.

For an hour he screamed at me, bouncing from, we are over, to how are we going to be a family, breaking our son's toys in front of him, and the best part was still denying his affair. Blah, blah. I had... it is funny, isn't it, when there's literally physical evidence and they deny it. Women in male fail. I found evidence that he was cheating on me and turned it around

and said that evidence wasn't true. Literally. Someone must have used AI. I had had enough of this rollercoaster and asked him to get out. He laughed in my face, broke my phone by throwing it. This was the third phone he had smashed in six months. He ended up assaulting me in front of our son who was two years old at the time. My neighbours had called the police and a restraining order was placed the next day. It's almost been 12 months since the last time I saw him. He refuses to do a drug test and I can count on two hands how many times he has seen our son since. He moved in with a new girlfriend instantly who also ended her relationship. They live less than two kilometres from our family home. They have been on

numerous holidays including overseas for over a month. Note, he never disguises when he is leaving the country and said just spams his Instagram which he knows will get back to me. He didn't contribute financially for a long time and stopped paying the mortgage leaving me a newly single stay at home mum to figure it all out. I'm back working full time, my son is unfortunately in full time daycare as his family is not involved and I live over an hour away. In saying that, the village has well and truly rallied, I am so lucky with my friends and family. Although I have grown a lot, I definitely haven't healed. My husband pops up every now and again with a phone call confessing his love and regret and then follows it up with a narcissistic abusive message when he is out of his vulnerability. That is literally classic narcissists. It's having that control.

It's wanting a little breadcrumb. Yeah. I wish I didn't love him, but I do. And I often find myself reaching for him in bed or going to call him when something happens. My heart also aches for my son who doesn't have the family he should but hopefully one day we will meet someone who accepts us both and loves us unconditionally and perhaps we can make the family I always wanted. Amen. Thank you for all you do, your episodes help me get through the days and I can't wait to hear your thoughts on my story if you get the time. Why is she so cute? Oh, I, do you know what? I, I know you say you love him, but this is where I feel like when people always say that they miss or they love their ex who has done wrong to them,

you need to take him off that pedestal and really understand like what is it that you love. Look at the person in front of you. What is lovable about a man like that? Also the way that he's done all that to you living with this girlfriend, and then he still comes back and makes inappropriate comments to you. That's in theory like emotionally cheating

our girlfriend. Like that's the thing. We've got to stop romanticizing these men because there's nothing there to love. Like you love the idea of him. Like you need to really sit there and list out everything about him that's actually there. Not what you think or hope or used to have.

What is there now? And you'll realize there's not really much to hold on to. And the sooner you really start looking at the real version of him, the sooner you can start letting go and you will absolutely meet someone that accepts you and your son. I think as well, like where you say you were high school sweethearts, a lot of it is habit and it's all you know in terms of like an adult relationship. That's, he is the only

association you have with that. And like you said, you're not healed yet, you've got nothing probably to compare it to and I think so many of us often misinterpret love as something that is a habit and something you're used to. I think you miss the comfort of him because he was something you're used to but I think when you delve deeper into it I don't believe you actually truly can be in love with someone who displays such negative characteristics and such little care. Like the fact he's been physically abusive to you, let alone emotionally, like it just shows what little regard he has to you. The fact he's taking drugs. The man sounds like the most unpredictable person in the world and that's something you should feel so lucky to finally be free of. Yeah and also I understand the whole childish sweethearts, you know, I spent my whole, I

spent 17 years with my ex and when we ended I genuinely believed I would never ever be content without him. I felt like he was everything. He was everything I knew. But then soon, once the rose tinted glasses come off, you realise that actually everything you knew was probably half of it was bullshit and the rest of it was negative. And then I guess it's also like that starting over, isn't it? That's scary in itself. Yeah, I know. Like, start completely again and it's terrifying but we've said it before, starting again with the knowledge and the understanding of what you don't want, what you're powerful with. Yeah, powerful. Eventually you'll see it as a positive. You will. Thank you for writing in. Okay, we're ending on a positive guys. This is fairy tales do happen after noc...

Oh yeah sorry. After narcissistic abuse from Australia. Shut up. Swear on my life. What's happening right now? Sorry we're just quickly booking our flight to... What's happening right now? Hey girls. I know. How it? Hey girls. What? I know, how is it? Hey girls, I've been listening from the beginning which timed perfectly with me leaving my narcissistic

ex-husband with two kids in tow, then three-year-old girl Benny and 18-month boy Milo. It's a good name, right? Oh, it's a great name. Everything that is classified as narcissistic abuse I went through so I won't dive deep into it But I would recommend anyone who is coming out of it to read No, the Gibsons a fake love but all never heard of it. I write that down Yeah The other week another girl from Australia wrote in about whether finding a relationship

After a narcissistic relationship would happen and what was bare minimum seemed like fairy tale stuff narcissistic relationship would happen and what was bare minimum seemed like fairy tale stuff. Having processed my own separation 18 months prior to me leaving I started dating about 5 months after separating and was cutthroat with my standards going on off the apps only when I felt like my headspace was in it. That is key. I had some fun, some fucking loser dates but then as I was about to take an extended break from it all, I met my current partner. We've been together nearly 11 months and he is everything I manifested.

I'm a vision board girl. I didn't get the butterflies, electricity, whatever, when we first met. I wasn't even sure I liked him. But the more we got to know each other, I felt so safe and secure that I was never questioning anything he said or did because his actions aligned with his words.

He was emotionally aware, accountable, reassured my anxiety and best yet he is calm, masculine, in touch role model for my kids. In touch for his emotions? She just put in touch. I think that's what, yeah. Fine. In touch role model for my kids who adore him. They've never had someone like that in

their life because their dad sucks. We plan to move in together next year into a rental whilst my property settlement is being done with the lawyers and all things are going well. We'll buy once that's finalised into a forever home. Coming from a narc relationship where everything was a whirlwind, love bombing shit show, this slow paced growing romance is something I've never experienced. His only red flag is that he folds towels and expects them to drive. You guys are doing amazing work and you sound so refreshed after the rebrand and I'm loving it. Love from Australia.

That's so emotional. I love it. It is really important for us to hear positive stories actually literally this morning. I don't know, sometimes I just need that. Like I was saying to, I was saying this morning, old business, he goes, Kali, you hear such negative stories

every week, so I wonder, like, you feel like this sometimes. And this is what I want to start incorporating in. I think it's really important to have that balance. Yeah, please do send in your positive stories. But I also think it's interesting, especially for that other woman. She didn't get the butterflies, that electricity spark straight away. It can grow. I want her to write back and say how long it was and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so do I. Thank you guys for sending that in. Right, affirmation of the week. Yes. I am worthy of love just for being who I am. And that people find it, like you are worthy as you are, you don't need to change anything about you, you are lovable just because one person or a few people didn't necessarily treat you right. That's not a reflection on you, it's a reflection on them.

Love you guys. Bye!