Not As We Planned - 69. He’s Unstable

Episode Date: December 19, 2024

Our last episode of 2024, we discuss our 2025 goals, we get a final update from the fuck buddy situationship, knowing you should run a mile but can’t seem to stop and finding out your husband is gay. Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for... Honest. Raw. Unfiltered. Unhinged story. Where we share our advice, opinion,

and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high-am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello! Hello! Everyone! What?

Guys, if you haven't already... it's nearly Christmas. Go treat yourself. Patreon membership, four pounds. Yeah. Four pounds. Little treat to treat this festive season. Go sign up. And yeah, don't forget to like, share, review. Like honestly guys, we want more reviews, don't we? Yeah. I keep looking and you're not doing it. What are you doing? Also, I want subscribers on YouTube. Even if you don't watch it and you prefer to listen, show your support to us. I need to go and subscribe. I think I've subscribed. That's our Christmas wish. Do you know, talking of like, Christmassy, I thought maybe we'd start with, should we set some 2025 goals? Let's start on a positive. Good, because I'm coming in with negative. Oh, amazing. Can't wait.

So guys, it's the last month of the year and it's been a bit of a whirlwind of a year for me anyway. And rather than reflecting on what our year has been like, let's manifest with 2020. Okay, I'll go first. I will get divorced. Yes, you will get divorced. I cannot tell you how much it's lingering over me. That's basically where I'm coming in with negativity in a minute. Can't wait, bring it on.

It's just a lot. Yeah, that's my number one. Okay, love that. What's mine? Do you know what? I feel like I've got like different goals, like personal life and work goals. Like work goals to me, like the podcast, like... Next year's gonna be big. It's gonna be big.

Like we've already got our event in February. That's just the start. I think by now you listening to this tickets will probably hopefully already be released. We've got some like really big plans. So I'm just sort of like manifest. I genuinely believe next year's the year it goes from like here to here.

Yeah. General Lion. Yeah. Like we wanna go on tour guys and we can only do that with your help. And it is little things like the subscribing, the sharing, the reviews because the more listens we get the bigger we can go and we're going big babe, we're going big. So I don't know, do you know what it's weird like goals in regards to 2025, I know it sounds really likeny but I just want to continue on this like journey

that I'm on right now just genuinely content. Being happy. Yeah being happy, glowing in the relationship that I'm in. I don't want to have to learn any big life lessons next year. Do you know what I'm all for growth I don't know, I feel like 2024 was like a big transition for me. I feel like I've had enough growth in my adult life. Like, don't get me wrong, I want to keep growing, but like, you know, when you're like, okay, universe, don't give it. I've learned all my lessons.

My character is fulfilled. I want to be happy next year and just like, I've got a lot of travel goals next year. And that's obviously really important to me. But yeah, I have some goals that I definitely won't be sharing that I like in relation to like, I don't know, like personal stuff. Yeah. I think next year's gonna be a pretty amazing year.

I say 2025 is gonna be the year. It's my year. I like 2025 is gonna be the year. It's my year. I like it. Do you know what? I'm not one for odd numbers. I'm really not. I'm an even number kind of girly,

but there's something about a five that's like halfway through a century. I feel like 2025 sounds nice. It's quite significant. Yeah. I don't know. We're gonna see any like engagement rings. What, you? I don't know. We're going to see any like engagement rings. What, you?

No, not next year. I probably won't even be divorced till the end of the year. That's true. I keep forgetting. I feel like it, I don't know. I feel like the thought of the next year excites me and I didn't have that last year. This time last year I was in a really bad place. I knew that my relationship was coming to an end. Jo was interesting. I saw this thing on obviously on TikTok and they say like when a woman ends a relationship, she didn't make it. She didn't make that decision on the day she ended it. She made it probably months before. And rightly or wrongly, I can relate to that because I was definitely aware

that things weren't going in the right way. Yeah, you just had to head back into that. That Christmas, I think that's also why you get a lot of those breakups in the January because no one wants to spend Christmas alone. It's such a family orientated time of year when you're sort of hopeful, hoping that things will get better because you come together. Christmas, marriage. Reunite as a family.

It doesn't. But I think it's because it's that brotherhood day, isn't it? I think it's like the fifth or eighth of January. January, yeah. It's like the biggest day of like announcing separation in your marriage. But I don't know, it's just really refreshing that I actually don't, I haven't had. So last Christmas, although I was with my ex-boyfriend, I wasn't happy.

The Christmas before that was your first Christmas single. And that, oh no, yes, yes. And then the month before that, I knew my marriage was breaking down. I don't actually recall being content this time of year in a really long time. And it's just so nice that I'm like, do you know what? Like 2025, like fucking bring it on.

Yeah, it's real, it's holidays, family stuff, the kids. But yeah, so guys, write down your goals. I actually used to do this. I didn't do it last year because I was genuinely concerned for my year. But I usually go onto my notes on my phone and just type in like 20, 25 goals and I write down exactly what I want to happen. Like even really small specific things like how many followers I'm going to have on Instagram. Obviously, that's because it's my job. I'm not like trying to gain friends or anything but just loads of little goals that are like realistic

within the year and then some bigger ones that I may work towards within that year to get in the future. I like to do that on Pinterest so I make my boards on Pinterest. I find like little pictures and then then I always find like the first week or second week in January is when I do my vision board so maybe we'll do another episode on that when we come to that. Yeah do you know what maybe we should show Oz. I'm happy to show part of my. I was actually looking at my vision board today thinking should I be making a new one this year in January but I've still got so much like everything that is on there is still very much me and what I aspire to set. I need a new one. I've just got so much, everything that is on there is still very much me

and what I aspire to set. I need a new one. I've just realised how much I've ticked off and it's very empowering. I've ticked off a lot, but I feel like all I'd be doing is adding what's already on, like my vision boards are quite big. Yeah, no, I've got things I need to renew, I think.

But yeah, so write down your goals and watch yourself tick them off because that is what it's all about. You know, January can be a really depressing month and I think it's all about having that headspace and mentality of being like... I know a lot of people are like, oh new year, new me, but do you know what I actually like? The significance of a fresh start and a fresh year. I think particularly if you've had a rough time or you're going through something significant in your life like a divorce, like a separation, I think I don't know it's almost like that little offering of some kind of hope of change over the course of the next 12 months

and I find that really exciting and motivating. And I would, can I just say any gym goers that are gonna make the gym busy in Jan, please don't go to my gym because I find that so annoying. My gym is so nice and quiet when I go and then they're all like there in Jan. Nothing's gonna change. No. You can't do that much. So little catch up.

Yeah. I guess it's something we've not really spoken about on here. I think like the financial implications as a single parent. Obviously I'm not going to go into like the personal details of it all and I'm not using the word lucky because actually you bring your own up. Yeah, I work my ass off it's not luck it's fucking hard work and anyone who wants to fight me on that bring it on bitch. But I have been in a situation where obviously I've been able to keep a very relatively similar lifestyle to what I was leading before but there's just been a few financial things recently that have caused me a lot of stress

and have made me consider a few things and obviously like nothing in my divorce is finalized and things like that. And I kind of just want to normalize when you're going through the process how stressful worrying about the unknown can be. And I know we're the first ones to sit here and be like, focus on the things you can control. But I think particularly finances, when it comes to finances, you can't really escape it. Like, you know, I've got a mortgage that I pay on my own, I have bills that I pay on my own, I have bills that I pay on my own. I pay for everything for the kids.

I get child maintenance and that is it. And everything else falls on me. You know, I'm a single parent. I have one income. I'm very lucky. I hate the word lucky, but I'm, I guess from a positive point of view, I don't have a salary where I'm limited

to a salary every month. I make my own, I can earn as much as I want to within reason. But also that's an enormous amount of pressure. And I think in this job, in both lines of my job, the unpredictability can be hard as well. Like it's not a guaranteed income, you know, there's things like tax bills that fly at you and all different things. And I'm really feeling how heavy the load of taking on a lot of the financial burden of a separated family is. And I'm feeling quite suffocated by it this week. I feel like it's really crippled my anxiety because I feel like when something sets it off, it just puts me into a really unsettled state and like I am an over thinker so I'm like oh god like this might happen

then this might happen then this might happen. I'm quite lucky I've got someone who can pull me back down to earth a bit and be like bless him he's been so good this morning, called me and was like right on Friday we're going to make a spreadsheet this this this like but he's very practical I've said before he's very practical and sometimes I need that but yeah I just I don't know I just wanted to normalize it because it is hard going from having two salaries to one salary and then especially this time of year this time it's this time of year but I feel like I've been hit with like a corporation tax bill, a personal tax bill, like everything. You're just like, you know, and considering getting these bad boys out. But by the way, if you're listening, it's not my boobs, it's my feet. However, yeah, I'm joking. I'm not,

but it's just like the slippers. They're so fast. Where are they from? Tmoo. I'm not, but it's just... I like those slippers. They're so festive. They're very comfortable. Where are they from? Tmoo. I reckon only a four Tmoo. And the breakout. Tmoo's like in a four right now.

They're three pounds. This is obviously... Literally, yeah. So, yeah, I guess I just wanted to like... I'm sure a lot of people train this time of year as well, like when it is Christmas. And you also, I think all of us are guilty of like looking on Instagram and seeing everyone do these trips and like

took my kids here and brought my kids there. And I feel like, I don't know if you would agree, I feel like sometimes quite torn with I'm given these things because it's my job and I need to advertise certain places and gifts, but then I don't want to impact those pieces of anxiety of feeling like they're not doing enough. That's why I guess I like to show my shitty elf on the shelf because although that's not about money, it's that reality of like, my house isn't perfect,

it's a mess, I'm not this like perfect mum that wakes up and like makes my kids like, fresh pancakes in the morning. Do you know what I mean? It's like... Yeah, I think it's also like, I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself that I refuse to let my situation impact my kids and the childhood I've wanted. So I've literally not stopped to make sure that can happen and I think sometimes it is stepping back. Bless the kids this morning. I was so stressed and you know you're like I know that my patience is like on zero and if you piss me off today I'm probably gonna bite

and Milo was like on one and then Theo was like mommy you look very stressed today do you need a cuddle? I was like yeah mommy needs a cud a cuddle. And then he disappeared and he came back up and he was all smug and he was like, I just made my pet lunch all on my own. And he goes, I can do that every day if it's going to help you. And you know what you're just like, like, I just sort of looked at him

and I have like tears rolling down my face. I'm like, you're five years old and you've read the room and like, I'm flothered huge. You know what, I actually saw on TikTok, we get like on this day. So it shows while we toasted and obviously on our podcast TikTok, which you should go and follow by the way. Okay, it's obviously showing all our like Christmasy teasers

from last year. And we sat there and we were like, we were talking about Christmas and how we put so much pressure on ourselves to do all these things because we think that that's what our kids want. But really it is about the quality time that we give them. And it's days where I just sit with the kids, do like a puzzle. And then we have some fun chocolate and watch a Christmas film where they're like, this is the best day ever, rather than being like spoiled

with like hundreds of pounds of gifts. Like just remember, like stop comparing yourself to what you see on social media and remember that kids won't look back and remember, do you remember that Christmas when you got me that really expensive tray? No, they'll probably think about the den that you made downstairs in the lounge

where you put all the lights off and the Christmas tree was lit on, watched the Grinch. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. It's just really reminding yourself of what the kids actually want rather than what you think that they want. They're very decent. They just want time.

They want time. That is it and that's free. It is. So, yeah. It is. So yeah, my catch up, this might come as a shock because I think when I last spoke about it, I had a very different idea of what I was going to do and I don't think I've told you this. So yeah, but when I last spoke about Blake's ADHD, I had this like epiphany that I was

very much undiagnosed ADHD. I felt like what I'd rather do is I'd medicate myself in the hope that I can regulate myself more and then be a better or maybe like parent in a better way for him that would help him regulate himself. However, had a meeting with the school and it turns out that he is really struggling with certain things at school that I can't figure out what to do with. So he actually started medication a month ago. Wow. Yeah, it's a different show.

So I actually got a meeting with the school this afternoon, but I'm guessing the impression, it's really sweet. The first day he took it, bearing in mind, it was a tablet and he just did it. I swear I was like 13 and I remember being in A&E and then trying to do it and I was really proud that it was a tablet and he just did it. Oh, I swear I was like 13 and I remember being in A&E and then trying to do it and I was like, and they gave it to me and I couldn't do it. And then one of the nurses was like, I'll have to go to pediatrics and get some medicine. He was really good, but it was the sweetest thing. So he knows that he's got ADHD. I've explained it to him. I've shown him a video, quite child

friendly to explain to your child about ADHD. So if anyone wants to know that, just drop me a message off, try and find the link. But I wanted him to be aware that this is medication that you're going to be taking to help you focus and maybe be able to be more present in the classroom. And you might be able to then listen better and you might find the work easier because he really struggles with, like the teacher said to me that they're not concerned about his capability, it's the fact that he's not listening to instructions so then when it's time to do it,

he can't do it. And he's been like, not wanting to go to school recently, saying he hates school and that maths is his harder subject. And when I picked him up, I was like, how was the medicine? Like, did it help? He was like, I got everything right in maths last day. And literally, like, it made me want to cry. So I was like, oh, like, bless him. Like, even if that's not true, I feel like it's like suddenly given him this-

Even if it's like a placebo effect almost. So basically that evening, so like the tablets he's taking, he takes one in the morning, Monday to Friday, so it wears off. So there's going to be probably like no benefit at home. Yeah. Great. But this is just initial anyway. And that first evening, so Blake's got a bit of a phobia with his nails being cut. He's never let me cut them. I've got to do it when he's sleeping. He's just really scared. And anyway, I'm putting him right to bed and he comes into my room with the nail clippers and goes, Mummy, I'm ready for you to cut my nails.

Oh, stop. And I was like, really? He's like, yes. He sat down. He's like, I'm a bit frightened, but you can do it. I started cutting it and the first cut I was like, it didn't hurt, did it? He was like, no. And he had like, nails? Be sorry. He had this big grin on his face. And then it was all done. He went, Mummy, I think the tablets are making me braver. Oh, stop. And I was like, obviously, do you know what? It He went, Mummy, I think the tablets are making me braver. Oh, stop.

Obviously, do you know what? It might not be a placebo, but the tablets are not in his system by bedtime. But what I think may have happened, and again, this might be wishful thinking, but I'm going with it. I think just taking those tablets and him not having to use so much energy to concentrate or wrap his head around all the thoughts he's got in his head has maybe given him a bit of confidence to not have to worry about, I don't know. It was really lovely. I suppose it calms his nervous system. Yeah, and maybe that's what has made me aware to a certain extent, although I haven't had the call, that he's definitely calmer in the morning, but I think it's wearing off quickly.

So it might just be an adjustment of the dosage. But it's a journey and I did feel quite sad initially because I feel like it's a journey that I'm very much doing on my own. Although their dad is aware of it, I feel like he doesn't have, I don't know if maybe he just doesn't have the capacity for it. I don't think it's the care. I just think that like he doesn't understand that like it is, I've spoken to so many people, it's a process of getting the right medication, they can sometimes get worse, their sleep can get worse, their behaviour can be more erratic, then they might be more explosive once the tablets have worn off. And I feel like I'm dealing with that all on my own.

My sister was on it for years, so I completely understand. And it is a journey of like, you know, one tablet can completely mull them out and they've got no personality and then another like it can suppress appetite. Yeah, autism they say that sometimes when you take medication to help with your ADHD your autism suddenly becomes more empowering, it can mess in your appetite. So I don't know it's the exact reality that it's something that I'm doing on my own but I probably would have done that anyway. Do you know what I mean? It's one that I'm doing on my own, but I probably would have done that anyway. Do you know what I mean?

It's one of those realities. Just being real expectations. Yeah. So yeah, sorry, bit of a lengthy intro. Do you have anything to say? Should we crack on with an email? Do I have anything to say? No, let's do it.

Okay. Fuck buddy help. Third and final update. You're going to want to read this. Oh, so a reading. So hold on. I think just from that title, I remember that was the person that she was like in love with him.

She wanted to be with him. He didn't want to be with her. Yeah. Is that it? And we, yeah, you've got to remember, you've got to listen to what they're actually saying. I mean, that might be. Yeah. There was like, she met him at the gym.

Yeah. It was like a clash of holidays. They got back and then they like got back into I mean, that might be. Yeah, there was like, she met him at the gym. There was like a clash of holidays. They got back and then they like got back into the routine, just having sex. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that. Yeah. OK. And we said to her, and listen to what he's saying, he said he doesn't want a relationship. Like, he's got picture of it. Yeah. Right. OK. Hi ladies.

So the last time I wrote, it was meant to be my last update, but there's been more that's happened that I just can't not share. I'm pretty certain my story isn't on Patreon, but share wherever is best, but anonymous as always please. You remember my fuck buddy situationship that was a walking red flag and that ended after fizzling out at the end of the summer? Well, it actually did continue until very recently. We struggled to stay away from each other as it turned out I was the best sex he'd ever had.

Not just mine. It carried on in its usual fashion. Her cups when we had the chance, mostly during the day but the odd evening here or there. Then a couple of weeks ago it took quite the turn. We'd arranged to see each other on an evening but I was expecting it for it for it to be our usual set up. He comes in, we have a brief chat, maybe have a drink, get down to business and then he leaves. Well, he turned up with my door with lots of booze including my favorite tipple of choice and we ended up having a very deep and

meaningful chat. He then turned to me to have the, what are we conversation. I don't think this is the same person that I was thinking of by the way. Is it? Could it be? Oh no, you know who this was? Is this not the old guy?

With the neighbor. I think this is the neighbor. No, she's the old guy. Yes it is. This is the neighbor guy. Pear. This is the neighbor. No. Yes it is. This is the neighbor guy. Here. This is the neighbor. Wait, I met my neighbor. Yeah, look, yeah, they were having sex during the day.

Yeah. I remember this. We did have the update, yes. We did have the update. She gave, like, he gave her that confidence. She knew that it was time to go to bed. Yeah, yes, I remember this. It's not yeah, it's not that the one we thought yeah Okay, so yeah, and she was saying like I'm feeling good like I'm healthy It's like getting back to the gym and they'd ended they'd ended things. It's fizzled out and this is down

Okay, fine. They went away right I'm with you. Sorry. Look over with someone else Okay, fine. They went away. Right. I'm with you. Sorry. I thought it was someone else. Okay. I remember this. I didn't tell you. So many of you. He then turned to me to have the what are we conversation. He expressed he had developed feelings for me. We thought I was stunning, funny and amazing mom

and that we had great chemistry that we admitted was hard to come by. To come, to come by. Good. Sorry. And he wondered if I would consider properly dating. Wow! To say I was flabbergasted would be an understatement. We talked logistics and he even said he had arranged for his child care to change after Christmas so we had the same weekend spray. We were both completely vulnerable with each other, walls fully down,

and I confessed I would love to date him and see where things went. He also finally admitted his older age. That was it. He died. Yeah. I think he was like 50, but he said he was like in his forties. It was quite honestly the most wonderful evening. He stayed and cuddled me all night, and we had sex numerous times.

It felt so easy and comfortable. The next morning he left early, not suspect as he has a job that means very early starts, and messaged me when he got home to say what a lovely time he'd had. Then, over the next few days, he became very distant and cold. Leaving me unread for a couple of days too and I knew what was happening. I knew this guy was emotionally unavailable but I was a bit blindsided by his behaviour after he'd been the one to come to me to express his feelings. Not the other way round. Yeah, he's just a bit unstable isn't he? I then saw him the following week and he was in and out of my house in 30 minutes.

He walked in, barely spoke to me, we had sex straight away and he immediately got up, got dressed, said, okay bye, and left. As soon as I shut the door behind him, I knew I finally and formally needed to cut it off. I couldn't just be ghosted out of this situation and had this overriding feeling that I needed to take the power back and make a decision for myself rather than letting this situation and had this overriding feeling that I needed to take the power back and make a decision for myself rather than letting this situation just continue to happen for me. Good for you. Nice energy. I was so hurt by what he'd done and why he'd bothered to say anything at all.

That's it. You kind of like allow yourself to get excited. It's almost like he was testing to see if you'd want that. I just think that, I think a man like that has like really deep insecurities and I think when he said it he actually genuinely thought he wanted it and then they like get frightened and pull back like get therapy back. The following morning I sent as short of a paragraph as I could basically saying I've loved our time together but I know I want more and it's clear and clearly he actually doesn't and so I wanted to call it a day so I can move on." His reply was instant with the classic

"'It's not you, it's me' line. Ick." But also admitting that he knew a part of him was broken inside and he could never allow someone else in. Yes, this is a very fuckboy reply, but I do actually believe him. I always sensed from the very beginning he wasn't over his divorce years ago and it looks like I was correct. To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I have cried for days but so proud of myself for taking charge even though I'm so hurt. I'd really put myself out there with him to be so knocked back. If this has taught me anything, it's that I really am ready for more after my own painful divorce, but also that I'm so completely healed from my past. I might

almost feel sorry for him that he's not in the same space. It's been such a lesson in knowing when to walk away and why boundaries are so important from the get-go. I also had to accept that this man was never going to give me closure. I have to give it to myself and that actions always speak louder than words, the typical saying of, if he wanted to, he would, keeps playing in my mind." You might remember in my last update that I said we'd fulfilled some of each other's fantasies and had wished I'd shared more. Now this is fully over, I've done a nice little list below, you can share if you fancy. And for those fellow women of our age who have rediscovered themselves sexually,

be warned, for some people this might be very dirty. I was not expecting that. I'm excited. Again, I've got five bullet points. We enjoyed very rough sex. He would slap me around quite a bit, especially when I was giving him a blowjob. And once I almost came when he slapped my face whilst he was in my mouth. She was gonna... Had to being slapped.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. He would tie me up and do what he wanted with me to the point I would get bruises and would love to see... Okay, that's true. and would love to see them the next day. No concerns here ladies, I absolutely loved him. He would also, per my request, grab my hair and drag me wherever in my house he wanted to have sex. Mike Sinshaw's coming.

Yeah, I mean, I'd be like, strong enough. I'd rather use my search than my head. You're actually really good for my head. I'm just literally being dragged around my head by this large, sweet six-man. We'd like bump into loads of toys. And if she does mainly go literally, I'm literally being dragged around my neck and put every During the day, he would often go down on me whilst I was standing next to my front door so we were at risk of being seen. His favourite thing to do would be to make me come and then make sure he tasted everything

after, even fingering me afterwards and licking me off his fingers. He once nearly came himself when neither of us were touching him just from doing it. But the hottest thing we ever did, he would love to cum on me, specifically my face, and then lick it off me himself and then kiss to make sure we could both taste him. That's not for me. Not for me either. I don't think...

Interested, I'm so glad you've got to experience some crazy shit. There is some... I don't... Um... I don't know... Like, would a man ever be like, oh? Yeah, my heart... Like, on Piers' own. Yeah, I don't think... I've never heard of that before. I don't know. I feel very shocked.

No, the thing is, for me, I don't know of a man that wants his own come in his now. This man has more years behind him. So I'll let you know in 10 years. 15, sorry. Don't say yourself short. I know by the new year I'll be over this and mentally will have let go of what happened. I still have no regrets. I put myself out there for the first time and truly found myself during this experience. I've continued to get fit and lose weight and feel

incredible for the first time in my life. I've put a photo below of my before and after because I'm so bloody proud of myself. Girl you look amazing. What's the secret? You look amazing. Thank you both for your podcast. It's such a lovely space to share and exchange stories and I absolutely love each and every episode. Here's to 2025 girls and all those that listen, we've got this. You are badass bitches that deserve the world. I love that. Good for you. Like, do you know what? I've said it before. I don't think that this is any different. Sometimes you need to be at that point where you've done the back and forth and then you're really really ready to draw a line and call it a day. You know when people

are like I told you don't go back don't go back and then they don't listen it's because you need to be in that headspace yourself to know that like you're done you've hit those boundaries and you're like bye. She had to go back and she's learned from it. And yeah, you're right. You're going to the new year without him, taking the lessons from it, knowing that you've healed through a previous trauma. And I can't wait to hear a fresh new update from you. Yeah, I think that's a really nice story. For anyone on the face. No, I'm slightly traumatized by that. It's a nice story to empower people to like know when it's like, you can't give me what I want, I can't change

you. Like I feel like a lot of women especially hold on to hope that I'm going to be the one that changes his mind. Like I'm different, I'm special. And I think actually, look, like God knows, I can't remember the time span of like this situation ship, but I think it's really empowering to know like it was you who walked away. It wasn't him saying, I don't want to be with you. And he would have carried on doing that because that convenience him. It was you who laid down those boundaries. And I just want anyone listening to that who might be in a similar situation, a situationship when they're not being respected where, you know, they're being played hot and cold and messed around. I really

want you to listen to that and think about that and really going into the new year. It's like what we said, like that new year, it's like take ownership, like be like, no, actually I'm in control. This doesn't work for me. you can't give me what you want. Laters. Bye there. Okay, this is called I should run a mile. Because I could never run a mile. I'd say I run a mile at school. Okay, hi. So I met a guy after being single for a few months after spitting up with my

child's father. I wasn't actively looking for anything, nor was I bothered about finding anything. Well, that was until he walked in the room to do some work on my house. Oh, stop. Giving desperate housewives. We instantly hit it off, bounced it back and forth. He was really good looking and I suddenly found my spark again. However, I was too shy to pass on my contact details and he left. Fast forward a few months there he was again. This time we did exchange details and it was amazing. That was until I asked how long he'd been single after a little while at all. He stated that he was single but it was... Come on. Oh no, run. He still lived with his ex.

Uh-uh. That is just something I could never ever do. No. I actually, there was obviously a period of time where my ex was living here certain days and I was with my boyfriend. I don't know how he did that. He says sometimes it's like, I think people think we've had like this really like easy run into the sun, run into the sunset and it's like magic. So I got all these comments yesterday like, oh do you think you're in the honeymoon phase? I'm like, babe, the shit we had to deal with. I don't share it all.

I think it takes an awful lot to be able to navigate things like that. Things like your girlfriend living in a house. I don't know how we got through that obviously. It's not something we do anymore but yeah. Wow. Yeah, no, that must be really wild. A part of me didn't believe him but the man love bombed me and I was hooked however one day after being around at my home I didn't hear from him again. Ghosted. For the first time in my life a man actually hurt my feelings. I should have moved on there and then. After a few weeks I was

healing until I saw him again in a supermarket and then he messaged me again. I was love bombed. He mentioned that he told his ex all about me. She'd been upset as there had been a hope that she wanted to get back together. However, that wasn't an option for him. He still shared the same story. Him and his ex weren't together. They were still living in separate, they were still living together in separate rooms. I'd never gone looking on social media before because I've always seen it as if you don't look, you don't know. However, my friend knows her family. Turns out when I was ghosted, they were actually on holiday

abroad together. Oh my God! But they're still going out, doing things together. But when I asked to see him, he's too busy but he still shares the same story. Never has the time to see me anymore, but yet I'm hooked on this situation ship I can't seem to get out of. He messages me every morning, mostly all day until 5pm and then everything stops until the following morning. I wonder why? But yet he does come online on WhatsApp but just doesn't reply to me. That's because he's

sitting on the sofa with his girlfriend. Bad news. This man is a walking, talking, breathing red flag but I cannot seem to unhook myself. I tell myself I'm not bothered. I have asked him for more information about the situation but I only ever find myself left on red when I send those. I try and convince myself I don't want him. I'll go to block him and be done but I always feel like I'd rather only have some of him than none of him. I've now found myself writing this out at midnight to you guys. How and what do I do? It's been nine months of love bombing. I'm on a revolving door of emotions and anxiety. How do I break through? It honestly sounds like a bit like you're trauma bonded. Like I don't know what your

relationship was like with the father of your children. And if you had some sort of like unhealthy attachment style with him. But it sounds like you've had this, it sounds like you're a bit like, it's like limerence, I don't know if you're, yeah, for anyone that's not aware of limerence, it's almost like this like, it's like a... fantasy. Yeah, it's like a fake fantasy of seeing like you're in love with someone and you get this like extreme dopamine from them, like a drug drug like it is honestly the same chemical thing that you get from a drug where little bits of dopamine and contact that you get from him it makes you feel really good and then he pulls back so then you're in that kind of like craving

that is so unhealthy and he's aware. You've written it, you know that. Yeah. I mean, look at your title, I Should Run a Mile. That's what I mean, but that's what happens, I think, when you're in limerence with someone, it's like your feelings are stronger than your desire to actually do the right thing. I think that, unfortunately, the only advice I can really give you is knowing it's sort of similar to what

we just said before is you're going to go back and forth until you hit that point where you're like, this is not getting me anywhere. It's taking responsibility and accountability for you're allowing this to happen. He's literally living the life of Riley and having both cakes, eating them whenever he wants. You're very aware. We're not having to sit here and say to you, you're not hearing from him after 5pm because he's with someone else. You know it. And I think it's finding and doing that work on yourself to get that self-control. But even like, say he wasn't with her, but you know he's done that now, why would you

want to be with someone who could do the same to you? Well she's saying at the moment she'd rather have bits of hair and nothing. But you need to be really strong. You need to block him on everything you need to delete his number like block on all forms of social media i know you said you've not necessarily done that but just like obviously it's hard if you're bumping into him but if you just need to take some responsibility you know it's not good you're only going to have yourself to blame for getting hurt and you need to find some kind of strength deep within you and just be like, again, like we're coming to an end

of the year, do I really wanna go into another year feeling like this and like, this isn't gonna go anywhere. Like me and Tash can see that. This isn't gonna go anywhere. This isn't your person. You know that and Tash can see that. This isn't gonna go anywhere, this isn't your person, you know that, you've got to find it within you, that's my only point. And you can't fortunately, it's one of those situations

where you're probably listening to us saying this now and you're like, I know, but oh, I don't want to, like I just want him when I can have him. And if that is the case, that's fine, you'll just have to wait until you get to a point where you hit rock bottom and you're like, okay, cool. Like, now what you don't wanna do is look back in two years and be like, what a waste of time that was.

Like, don't get me wrong, I don't feel like relationships can be said to be a waste of time if you learn from them, but you're wasting your years of giving yourself and your energy to someone that isn't respecting you. It's the energy thing. a relationship is in exchange of energy and they're just saying, protect it. Also, I just think that if you can give, if you can give in love and feelings and affection to someone that's not right for you, imagine what it would feel like giving the right person. And receiving. Yeah.

So you might like those little things about, you know, good that you have with him, but imagine having that with someone that's actually a good person and wants to give it back to you. It's so much more special. 100%. So keep us updated.

I don't blame you if you want to continue this throughout December, because I think it's quite a hard time to suddenly like go cold turkey. Yeah, but heads up, heads up he's probably going to be with his family for a lot of the Christmas period. Yeah, true. So just keep us updated.

You know what you need to do. It's not about how you do it. It's about when you decide to do it. Sorry, why is your face like literally like beaming like you've seen something that's like... Because it's a when you decided to do it. Sorry, why is your face like literally like beaming like you've seen something that's like... Because it's a fantastic title. Is it? Husband questioning his sexuality. Hi, my sister recommended this podcast to me as my marriage has been ending and I have been loving listening. It makes my feelings feel validated and not alone. I wonder if you could read my story

and let me know your thoughts as I am unsure how to feel. We don't help. I have been with my husband since we were 16 years old and met at a youth club. We were together for 7 years, then got engaged and married three years after, so married now for four years. We have always had a really positive relationship. I trusted him 100% and it felt very easy. We had our little boy in lockdown. The baby phase was very hard for both of us and I believe we were both suffering from postnatal depression. My husband seemed to have a lot of resentment towards our son and the freedom that he had lost and so I then had resentment towards my husband. And that's quite common as well. He wasn't bothered about helping out or spending time as a family and I realised he was quite

a selfish person. When our little boy was about two, he started going to the gym and working out five days a week after work and Sundays and not coming home until seven o'clock after work and spending hours on a Sunday there. During this time he told me he was bisexual and told me he had struggled on and off with having feelings for men for a long time. I was initially happy he felt he could tell me this. I was going to say like kudos to him for being honest. Communicating, yeah. It was quite a big thing suddenly putting your wife.

True. And was able to be honest about his sexuality, but it started to make me doubt his feelings towards me. Also understandable. He was now spending as much time as possible at the gym. He changed his password on his phone. No. Biggest red flag. Refused to share his location with me. much time as possible at the gym. He changed his password on his phone. No, biggest red flag. Refused to share his location with me. Relate. See, with the location thing, I think

it's only a red flag if that's something you've always done. But we never did that. We did. But yeah. Kind of after six years. Six years, he suddenly said to me, I don't know why you need it. Yeah. Red flag. Yeah. Who preferred to go to the gym and then out for food with his new gym friend. Oh, so I don't know how to do that. Who was male, then spend the weekend as a family. He was also constantly texting this friend and spending time with him when I was away with friends. Spending a lot of evenings by myself and weekends too. He didn't come to a lot of family events. After approximately a year and a half of this and so much upset and gaslighting from him, I feel like I've been pushed to end the marriage and I'm trying

to prioritise myself. We still live together and honestly, great friends are now prioritising our little boy. He is having therapy and things are overall more positive than they have been the last two years but I feel heartbroken and confused as I wonder if I'm making the right decision for our son. I'm pretty sure he didn't physically cheat on me so I'm questioning whether I'm pretty sure he didn't physically cheat on me, so I'm questioning whether I'm being over the top or dramatic about what has happened. I feel like he's been having an emotional affair with his gym friend, although not a sexual one, and he is adamant they are just friends. The whole thing has been a bit of a mindfuck to be honest. I still feel like I'm emotionally supporting him with his identity and wonder how I can set boundaries when I

still have so much love for him and want to be happy. Would appreciate you keeping me anonymous if you do use my story." The thing is I might be be really pessimistic here but you have no proof that he's not had a sexual affair and for me it's just screaming sexual affair. I think the fact he's told you about the sexuality thing it's a bit of a red flag that he's then spending loads of time with an male male friend. I feel like that's almost his way of like um of like lessening some of the guilt around it. Um yeah I just I don't know I just feel like and this could be wrong I'm talking from

Yeah, I just, I don't know, I just feel like, and this could be Role, I'm talking from my opinion and I'm not a man, but do men really suddenly become like besties with another man when they're older? I'm sorry, I'm on the same page as you and I don't like saying that, but I think the dangerous thing is ignoring a lot of our flats. It's not just the fact he's spending time with another man. There's other things. He's turned his location off. He's changed his password. It's not, it's not he's just spending time with a male friend. I think it might actually be helpful for you to perhaps even write a list of things, of red flags, of behavior changes that actually,

I think the danger with things like gaslighting, like you've said, like, am I being dramatic? That is the danger with gaslighting. You start to second guess yourself and your feelings. You're like, oh, maybe I am being dramatic. I completely relate to that. Like, I remember feeling like, oh, like, maybe I am the problem. Maybe I am a bit of a psycho. And you do, and I think that is classic. It's textbook classic. Everything starts to sort of feel like, oh, maybe you're smart. I'm smart, yeah.

Like you're right, like I am the problem. Like I'm overthinking this. My biggest thing I have learned over the last couple of years is a woman's instinct is never fucking wrong. It's never wrong. I genuinely believe we were built with this design inside us when something isn't quite right, something sets off our nervous system. And I really, really would urge anyone who ever experiences that not to ignore it. Don't ignore it. I think André Zanelli approached him about the pin change in the location. The thing is what I'm sort of reading from this and sorry if I'm wrong

and correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like you may also be in slight denial. I think it's quite, I think it's quite understanding to feel some form of embarrassment or shame if you've been with someone, married someone and then their sexuality is questioned because I feel like it's then a bit of a, oh, has he ever been attracted to me? Does he really love me? Did I take him? Yeah, has this relationship actually been what I thought it has? And I think that maybe your denial is allowing you to convince yourself that it hasn't been a sexual affair because you don't want it to be, but that doesn't mean it's not. And I think maybe I'm sort

of hoping you hearing your story being read out and hearing what we have to say, maybe that would be your light bulb moment of realizing you're not being dramatic, you're not actually doing the wrong thing. If you feel like something isn't right, it probably isn't. And you said you were the one who decided to end the marriage, like you've done that for a reason, like listen to your gut. And don't stay for your son.

Don't stay for your son, but like, obviously we don't know the background of it, but have you sat down and said, like, tell me what is going on? Like, why would we confront that and be, yeah, like what we said, like, I've confronted and be like, please can I ask why have you changed your pin? Like, try and do it in a non accusatory way, because that's only going to trigger a bad reaction, but it makes me feel really uncomfortable that you've changed your pin.

It makes me feel really uncomfortable that you've changed the location. Is there a reason? Also, can I just say, the fact that he's gone and told you that he's pin, it makes me feel really uncomfortable that you've changed the location. Is there a reason? So can I just say, the fact that he's gone and told you that he's bisexual, how would you react differently if this man was a woman? Because right now, he is a man and he's attracted to men. So how would you feel if he was spending hours at the gym with a woman, going out for meals with a woman, you wouldn't part with that. Actually, you should be putting up with this. I would literally be sitting there and being like, what is going on with you and this guy? Because you see far too much of him.

And you just told me you're attracted to men. Yeah. Yeah. I don't trust him. No, keep us updated please. Please. Okay, confession of the week, Range Rover. It's me. I live opposite a hospital and I was approached by a friend of a friend to ask if I would rent my driveway to her as she was returning to work after maternity leave and wasn't able to use Staff Car Park. I agreed. She has a Range Rover and one day my ex saw it and made the assumption that the car belonged to the new man. I decided

not to correct him. I find it hilarious that he thinks I was spending my child free time driving around in a very nice car when in fact my new man drives a van. I love that. That's brilliant. Yeah, I love that. Let's end with an affirmation of the week. Please keep writing in with confessions so you do make us some. Yeah, come on, send us some more confessions. Right. And for anyone that is on Patreon, send us in some questions of the week, because at

the end of our Patreon episodes we do a question of the week and we answer whatever you want. Okay, affirmation. Yes. If you're gay, be honest. I was going to say, I will always trust my gut is trying to tell me something. And don't ignore the red flags. That are waving in your fucking literally thank you guys so much and we'll see you again next week bye