Not As We Planned - 7. Let’s Talk Dating Apps

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

It’s time to start dating again and we are here to talk all about dating apps, things to avoid on those first dates and knowing when you’re ready to start dating again after heartbreak Producer: Tristan Hehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So get comfy, grab a cup of tea. Or a glass of wine. And let's start talking about all the things too many of us avoid discussing. Hi, guys, and welcome back to another episode of Motherhood Not As We Planned. This is an exciting one. I feel like I've been looking forward to this one for a while. Yeah, waiting for you. You're like, catch up. Yeah, so we are going to be talking all about dating apps, kind of like first date experiences. You guys have been sending us in your experiences of first dates and just generally, I feel like it's going to be a fun and that's

it like especially when you've been in a very long-term relationship this is completely new territory but new territory and also I feel like times have changed massively since when we got in relationships I mean this was not a thing I've never been on a date like I met my ex we were really really young started dating when we were 15 and that wasn't even really like a date like I think my mum like dropped me at his house or something do you know what I mean like proper like kids yeah I think we like watched a film or something so I'd never been on a date before I'm assuming I can speak for both of us where we say we'd never experienced dating apps before. No. So it was that, I remember that moment where I was like, do you know what?

I'm going to download a dating app. And I think I was so excited by it. And I had some single friends being like, it's really not that exciting. But I was like buzzing. I was like, yeah, like, do you like swipe left or like all these are really cool things. And as I was like building my profile, I was like, this is so fucking awkward. Like, what are these prompts that I need to fill out? I suddenly found it quite overwhelming. And then you had to pick six photos.

And I was like, I don't even like two photos. And they all have my kids in it. I wasn't sure, like, do you put your kids on it or not? I didn't. Did you? I said I had kids because I thought there's no point me speaking to someone if they don't want me having children because I do. Yeah. So what point did you, were you like, I actually went on a date before I was on the dating app because it was

through like mutual friends and like introduction so it was very casual it was we were both very much on the same page that we weren't looking for anything serious i didn't initially go on dates or go on the apps thinking like i'm ready to fight like second number i think it was more like i feel like i'm in a good place now this would maybe give me a bit of a confidence boost or just have a bit of fun yeah um so yeah saw this guy only a few times it was really casual like we both were very much like he had had a messy breakup I think it was just nice to have some common ground with someone where we both had not had good experiences yeah our breakups and I felt like it was more like we both used each other for a bit of therapy

it was like free yeah it's expensive these days yeah I feel like it was more just going out with someone and kind of like I get what you're going through yeah and pay for my food and I think it just eased me into it a bit and actually this is how like much we weren't serious about anything he was the one that told me he was on a dating app and that that's what made me think, oh, do you know what? I'm going to give it a go. So from meeting him and going on a few dates, I then downloaded my first dating app. When did you get it? I downloaded Hinge.

And so all these prompts, I think you want to have like three and you can like choose a question or... There's some day bones, it's like I don't know all of a sudden you think to yourself like oh my god am I really boring so I don't know which one to do and then I thought you know what I want to really try and bring my personality into it that's what things I want to come across like really weird but then you also don't want to fade into the background be really boring yeah so I remember I think one was like about Nutella. Obviously. Obviously. So I think it was something like, what's your opinion on this?

Like, I only ever have Nutella and butter together. Yeah, I know you didn't have butter last week. You're a few mings. And I was here. I had Nutella. They didn't have any butter. I know. I was clearly very hungry.

So I think I spoke, you know, I think it's like, what are your thoughts on this topic? And I spoke about how like, if you don't have Nutella and butter together, then like, I'm judging you. And it was such a good conversation starter. I had so many people message me about the Nutella and butter. I mean, it sounds ridiculous. Future has been material, aren't they?

And then I did another one about I feel like there was a prompt saying like I'm weirdly obsessed with or I have a obsession about Harry Potter again I feel like it's a really good conversation starter I suppose it will draw in

the people who actually like the same stuff as you I didn't even need someone to like it I remember having some people who actually like the same stuff as you know what i didn't even need someone to like it i i remember having some people just being like i don't know just making a joke yeah and being like i hope you i hope you don't think that like you're actually a wizard i was just it just broke the ice and then i think i just had like a normal one like what i like to do on sunday or something yeah i think my one of mine was about me being able to wrap every word to gangsta's paradise brilliant that was like a massive opener um check if you remember what my other ones were i can't remember what they are um yeah i know for me when obviously i think this is the first time i've even spoken about the fact

i've been on a date yeah whatever. So, but, yeah, I mean, the DMs are open. They're not. I mean, it's not. Right. So,

firstly, my friends downloaded an app. We were on a night out and, you know, it's like, you're newly single. They're like, get on the dating

apps I was like no like dating apps the thought of it it literally makes me cringe like the thought of it makes me cringe but I do also feel like I don't feel the same but I feel like this generation of single people don't know how to converse or meet people in real life like I just feel like back in the day but like people were way more social when you would go out and stuff and I feel like people have almost forgotten how to talk in person I think I don't know if that's because that's all relying on apps so I just so they were like right we're building your profile and I was like I wouldn't even know what to put like what pictures anyway they did it and um yeah I guess it was like a bit of an like an ego confidence boost because we felt like it really

wasn't so crap in yourself about something you feel like unloved unwanted unattractive all those things that going through what we've been through have made you feel. It was nice to be like, and I'm not going to lie, like some people in these apps are so like unsubtle, like marry me. I had one, okay, I matched with this boy. He was beautiful. Okay, like your proper, like typical, like American surf redo type. Okay, and whatever. I started talking. Like no filter whatsoever and he was literally like when are we meeting and i was like when do you want to he's like how about

saturday come to mine and i was thinking no no i i don't know you you could be a murderer i ain't coming to your house i replied being, why don't we meet for a drink first? He was like, yeah, and then come to mine. And I think it became very obvious what he was looking for and what I wasn't. I think once I tried again to pull back a bit, he just unmatched me. And I thought, wow, this is brutal.

And I think it was suddenly that wake-up call of like so some of the conversations I had were really nice and fun and they flowed but then you had those people that were very much like and this guy he was like late 30s and it's amazing how they're quite happy living their life well it just kind of it actually made me broaden my age on the app. Because I look, some people might be listening to this and very much have never been on a dating app. They might be happily married and just like listening to this podcast. So on these apps, you can filter like, you know, how far you want to travel, meeting someone, the age, the the religion loads of different things I think at first being 34 I think I put maybe like 31 to like 41 and the more older guys I was speaking to that were

seemed just like they still weren't ready to settle down I know this might sound really weird but I lowered my age yeah and it was actually really refreshing to see that do you know what you're going to get some older guys i just never going to want to settle down and then you're going to meet some younger guys actually you shouldn't judge them based on their age because they're mature yeah so and it wasn't really until i changed that age range a bit that I actually had weirdly better conversations but yeah some of them were just like how did you know you were ready to like even the first day how did you know you were ready to do that because I think that's what I get asked a lot

I think that if I'm honest I wasn't 100% sure if I was ready like when I went on that first day I definitely wasn't looking for anything serious so had I been on the dating app I probably would have put looking for and maybe wouldn't have even put it on there because I don't know the look I was looking for like casual yeah it's a tricky one because I didn't it's like I wasn't looking for Mr. Right I was looking for Mr. Right now

but what I also don't think that like in dating I think people just associate dating with you want to meet someone

and I mean I am a hopeless romantic but for a lot of people that's not the case and it is so they just want like rehash

well for you you've never dated anyone. No. You've been with the same person your whole life. Yeah, and you need that. I wanted to have that experience of like one date on a Friday, maybe the next week. And I don't want people listening to this thinking like,

Jesus, what a whore. Like me going on a date does not mean I went back to their house and slept with them. Like that's's not me that's not my vibe i think it was just maybe like putting myself out of my comfort zone trying to kind of find what dating life is like because it was completely new to me yeah um and the first so i think also it became very apparent what some of my single friends were saying to me was you know you could be having this amazing conversation with someone for like three days and then they just disappear and that does like give you a bit of like uh hit of like oh shit like maybe this is actually going to be hard like yeah

it's not very nice but i remember there was this one guy that i matched with and i think we matched like midday and by like 8 p.m i met him so wow you look like fun so what happened was i think it was a saturday day we were like talking throughout the day and like we really really clicked and i was actually getting ready to go on a night out i had a spray tan i had my hair done i had my makeup like already really nice outfit on and he really just like abruptly was like do you know what I never do this but I really want to come and meet you and in my head at first I was like wow keen no but then I thought do you know what YOLO it was actually the first weekend that my ex had moved into his place and I had I had dropped

the kids there and seen his place. I remember coming home crying. And then I thought, you know what? I'm just going to do it. I looked as good as I probably could ever. So I thought, okay, I'll do it. So he actually knew roughly where I lived because he worked in my area. And I didn't want a stranger that I had mapped with a few hours before knowing where I lived.

So we agreed. Danger. Yeah, we agreed to kind of like meet like down the road, like by some of the shops. This sounds so weird. It doesn't. It doesn't. It's really bad.

Dodger and free zone, guys. And so. My standards for that first date and all do you know what I mean first date we met at a shop by a grey lamppost

so drove and met him and do you know what it just gave me like the biggest like buzz like all of a sudden like I'd never done

anything like this I'd literally just matched with this guy like a few hours before I I just matched with this guy like a few hours before i i just like had this like spontaneous like buzz in me where i was just like fuck it like there's people around he's not gonna murder me um well luckily he didn't and um it was a relief. Yeah. And we just clicked. We chatted for ages.

And then I went off to this party. And then from that moment onwards, we spoke and we saw each other for quite a long time. But I think in my head, I wasn't at that stage yet where I wanted to settle down with someone. He was really the first person that I had like a connection with that I saw regularly but in the back of my mind I was very much like don't fall deep because you you know that you're not actually ready yet and I I know that we wanted to make like he wasn't the right maybe you knew did you know like subconsciously he wasn't... Maybe I knew that he didn't tick certain boxes. So I maybe felt like I was able to... Detach yourself in that way.

Slightly. I wouldn't go too deep. I know that we wanted to touch on kind of like timings and are you ready? I know we've spoken about it in other episodes and I don't think there's ever like the right time or you've been single for four months and now you can download the app i think it's very much like where you are mentally and we've also discussed about you know continuing

to heal through relations we were also speaking before we came on live, we were speaking about how, as well, a lot of people don't know what goes on in people's relationships. And I think I speak for both of us. Yeah. And we've almost, I know, I can now honestly sit here and say that, like I checked out of my relationship a long time ago whether that was formally or not I think a lot of those feelings haven't been there for a while and therefore you almost feel ready early I know like for me to go on these dating apps yes originally it was like a joke not a joke and I was and for me I had no intention of ever using them other than that night out and then it must have been a few weeks after that, they were still on my phone.

I hadn't set up any notifications, so I hadn't looked. So I just went on and had a little look. And I was like, look, it would be nice to start talking to people. I'm definitely not looking to get in a relationship or anything. And I'm not going to lie, i found it really hard work and there were a few times i just deleted them but like i had two so i downloaded hinge and bumble and i was just like i just don't think this is for me like some some of that hi how are you did you have a good weekend yeah thanks what did you do i guess is that the same conversation and then you

want to do it again with the next person in the net how does that develop and like um i mean as well within like my first week of using the app so i had some very interesting experiences yeah so like for example i was talking to this guy and honestly it must have come somewhere very close to after him asking how I was him saying are you into MMF and at the time I'd thought I well I didn't know what it was I had to google it male male female so straight away straight away and say hey thinking i am say to him what is that you googled it i googled and if you just google mmf that comes up do it now really get your phone out type in what is mmf read it what is mmf a session of sex involving a woman and two bisexual men in an mmf the woman is always in the middle and everyone works sexual contact okay well i didn't know that thing but there you

go you said that well i love those photos i don't want to know i'm really hot so that was one of my first experiences on this app and it was after that was like I'm deleting this app and I'm going like I can't believe how open and just like up front and you know what great for you if you're into that shit and that's what you're there for but in my head that's not what a dating app was and I think it really terrified me and I was it was I was like nah I'm way out my depth there. But you know what? I wouldn't be surprised if that guy is the sort of guy that then is like really shy in person. It's so easy to be really, like, bullshit.

I met him and I just said, actually, I don't think I even engaged in the conversation. I think I unmatched. I deleted the app. The apps work differently as well. So Hinge, you just both match and you can chat, can't you? But on Bumble, it has to be the girl who and then get down on my navigation so i did that one um and i found like the whole initiating conversation like so out my comfort zone and but on both the apps like if i was

having a conversation and i was just like i just can't i just I did just ignore them and but again I didn't feel like I and as well I felt like that came quite commonplace thing on those apps like I so I was talking to someone what app was it on it was on hinge um nice looking guy we got on quite well um like literally like had quite a lot in common. Just in general, in terms of like what we're into and stuff. Didn't have kids or anything. Like he was single. And I think he was a little bit younger than me.

But like we were speaking quite a lot. And like he even suggested about meeting up at some point. And I'd put him down a few times and was like, I'm not, I don't think I'm ready to. Which again, i get from other people's point of views like why waste your time talking yeah yeah again i didn't didn't really know what i was looking for at this point or where if i was it was just kind of being on a nap through and then he um we were talking loads and then he went to like climb a mountain in scotland and i never heard so he couldn't be up on the mountain so can we set a mountain in Scotland and I never heard. So you couldn't be up on the mountain.

So can we set a mountain rescue team up there? But yeah, I basically got ghosted or he had a fatal accident. We're not quite sure. Hopefully the fatal accident. Yeah. Hopefully for your sanity. Yeah. Brilliant.

But like we were talking lives and again, it might've been because I was very much like, here's a question for you. Cause I feel like this is something that I get asked a lot do you have a preference now both of us being like single mums with children do you have a preference on someone having kids or not having kids yes I think we're different aren't we yeah so and this is weird because obviously before I had kids if I would have met someone who had kids for me that wouldn't I mean it wouldn't have been desirable yeah um now I feel like there's a lot of qualities that I would look for someone

and they stem from them being a good dad and having like that nurturing that understanding even understanding like I don't know like what a woman goes through and the changes that happen to them like when they're a mother just things like that but also and again this is weird but i've spoken to like friends and family about this is i'd almost want someone make sound like I've got issues I would want to be with someone who not necessarily have gone through a divorce but could realize and understand what I've been through because I do think going through things like that having kids and again like someone who understands like the importance of communication and all the things. I think by experiencing, that sounds really awful, but by experiencing an unsuccessful marriage or an unsuccessful mother and father relationship with kids makes you more aware of how to be successful or things that you believe are important to you.

I think sometimes for a lot of people, it makes or things that you believe are important to you I just yeah I think sometimes for a lot of people it makes you know what you're looking for and so it's not like I'd set all my things to must have kids like must be divorced but I from experience I feel like I've gotten better with people who are dad yeah that are dad yeah or you know someone who's divorced or or going through it so no I actually get everything that you're saying and on the dating app I I it didn't put me off either way yeah um I think I was more concerned with the guys that said that they didn't have kids how they would feel once I told them how many I had because obviously on these apps it says you can put if you have kids which I did and then it was

like that question of like I can see you have kids how many and I mean I and I mean like three and it's a lot it is a lot to take on I'm very aware of it yeah Yeah. Would I want to take on someone else's three children? Probably not. That's just me. So the guy that I dated for a while was a dad. He had been through like a separation. Yeah. And he was really hands on.

Like he had his daughter a lot. And I really liked that side of things um but I think knowing the type of person I am and I feel like I've actually probably learned this through dating and just generally like the therapy I've had and the healing and the journaling that I've done I don't know if I would do very well with a permanent ex on the scene. Obviously, it depends on what their relationship is like. I think us being the women

and dating a man that has kids, again, I'm maybe being slightly stereoty stereotypical here but usually the mum tends to have the kids more so if you come across a dad that you know may just have their kids every other weekend and once in the week it's not as much of a like impact yeah as maybe I then was speaking to this guy that had that it was 50 50 so those things may differ yeah so with that ex being around I'm I would never like be um funny about his kids being a priority because I get that my kids are priority I think it's more I guess I think of it as like they then have their ways of parenting

what if I don't it's like there's more option not options I don't know how to explain it I feel like there's now there's more depth to things that you may not be on the same page about if you don't parent in the same way or knowing the type of person I am, I feel like, please God, if I meet someone who I fall in love with, I want to spend the rest of my life with, I feel like I would probably want to have a baby with them because I feel like that is something that I would feel like is the right,

like what I'd want to meet someone with. And I'm open to it. So with that in mind, I think I would personally rather meet someone without the kids without the ex that wants to take on my kids and have a baby with me yeah so yeah and again like if I so yeah I think what it comes down to is the person so if I met someone who didn't have kids, never been married, but could empathize and give me the understanding and like care that I needed to be secure in a relationship.

And again, like if I was to meet someone who didn't have kids, but for them that was quite like a big thing that they wanted kids, I would be open to the idea of maybe, maybe just one more. kids I would be open to the idea of maybe maybe just one more but at the same time I feel really content and when I had Milo I had I can't explain this so I always thought I was gonna have three kids I don't know if that's because I'm one of three but when I had Milo I had this really weird feeling that he was my last and that I was done and again I don't know if it's the kind of person that I am and where I don't know some of you might not know this but before I became a mum I was a teacher for eight years I've always been like a very maternal

person like I love children I love like being around children like the idea of someone else having kids I feel like I've got a lot of like love to give people and I feel like I'm a very caring and compassionate person yeah that's where where I'm at with it I'm not so I'm not like I'm only for dads yeah I mean yeah it depends on the person so I went on this date with it's only it's the first date that I went on I mean obviously I met that guy at the shop what a day that was but like the first date that I went on ever it was this guy he was divorced he had two older children and I thought oh do you know what like on paper like sounds like he like really ticks those boxes he's older like and I went on this day and do you know what a lot

of people are like oh my god are you nervous like what what are you going to talk about I'm quite good at just making conversation in general so went on this day and not gonna lie sweet guy but oh god I was so bored I was so bored and this is the mistake I made so for anyone listening that hadn't gone on a first day or you know just out of practice the mistake that I made was I made it very clear to him that I was kid free. Okay. So I didn't really have like an excuse to leave. So another mistake I made, I made a few mistakes. Okay. Still learning. The first mistake was, which I thought would help me.

And it did at first was instead of meeting at the restaurant, he said, do you want to come to me and we'll go in the same car? And I thought I'd much prefer that because the thought of walking into a restaurant not knowing if he's there if he's there yeah like just that process made me feel a bit ill yeah so i thought perfect i could we can have like a bit of small talk in the car and whatever but then obviously in the mistake that i made was i then had to go back in his car get to his house and it caught me so off guard he was like do you want to come in

and I couldn't be like I've got to get home for the kids I was just like oh honey I know I said yes and then I found it really hard to leave because it's like that awkward like, so I'm just going to go now. So like it just sort of added on a few more hours, this really boring day. And I think it was very clear when I left and nothing happened that like I was like hey thanks for dinner bye um but yeah I will never make the mistake again of

going in one car and not always have that backup plan of the kids like making out that I've got to babysit or something like I've got to get back to the kids because it's obviously the easiest get out. So yeah, that screwed me. It was an evening I never got back.

But I got a free meal. It was good food. That's a free meal. Yeah. So I have actually been on a date, which I don't think I've actually spoken about before. But hey, Insider's exclusive. but yeah hey ho insiders exclusive um and again like when I agreed to go on this date I didn't was I don't think I was ready and again I'm not looking like didn't know what I was looking for or whatever but anyway I was speaking to someone and we got on really really really well

like from the day dot and we met on we met on bumble so i had to initiate the conversation i thought i think i was saying like well hello then his name and then why are you laughing to me well that's quite a good line let me just say well hello because i didn't know what else to say anyway. I'm so happy. But Ben commented, I think one of my pictures on my profile was like me after I'd been axe throwing with it in the bullseye, like standing next to my axe.

And he said something like about, should he have to worry about how accurate I am? I don't know. It was just like a really nice conversation. Yeah. And like, just the conversation really really flowed and we it wasn't your typical how to was it it really was it and actually from early on we both kind of disclosed we had kids um and we like we literally spoke for like a few days on end and found out we've actually been going through something very, very similar. So everything I was feeling, he got and like validated. And

from quite an early point, we were able to have quite like open conversations about stuff and just almost like laugh at like some stuff that you're a bit like this is wild but it was nice to have someone who got it a bit like how you were saying you went on a date with someone who you felt like you could be it was a bit like therapy so then we were talking he suggested meeting up and I was like um because I didn't know if I was ready and then I was like do you know what do I need to be ready like why am I putting all this pressure, like, questioning it? And I thought, at the end of the day, if all I get out of this is a friend who I can talk to who gets me...

Yeah. ..and I have a nice day... Why not? ..then I've got nothing to lose. It was a weekend, I didn't have the kids. So I was like, right, I'm going to meet him. And so we were meeting in Covent Garden in London and I nearly bought I nearly didn't get on the train I was like oh I don't know if I can do this

I was just like oh like because it's new it's terrifying 10 years 10 years I've been with the same person the idea of going on a date with someone else was terrifying and it was really exciting yes oh one thing i will say and i advise people to do this so in my head and i don't know if this is rational or what i was convinced he was a serial killer so i thought i saw they advised you i'm just kidding i've got really good advice so basically I thought he was going to be a serial killer and I thought he was going to kill me then chop up my bones and and like hide my body parts somewhere oh because like how do you know there was me random stranger I insisted in the weeks I think we started talking on like the Tuesday morning and he wanted to meet up on the Saturday so yeah we facetimed quite a few times before.

And I remember the first time I was so scared. I turned the camera on. I thought, what if like I've been catfished? Because obviously I think he had only had like three pictures and that's all I had. And obviously when you're looking at these dating apps, there's pictures on there. Those people thought hard about what pictures. They are putting their best shots. So if you're looking at those pictures and they're not good enough for you remember those are the

best yeah that's what i was like do you know what i hated we will come up when it was like crowd photos and it's like which one are you and then one was another girl and that was just group they're all group photos some was them and a girl i'm like this is really weird this is no but we'll come back to that yeah i do think we should talk about that okay but um yes we facetimed i wanted to check that he was who he was he was who he was yeah also that he didn't look like a serial killer but then i was like but maybe maybe that's your disguise this is right and i'm being deadly serious i know we laugh about it now but in my head i had had so convinced myself, this is what he does. He's nice to women.

He pretends he gets them. But this is how like mental I think I was. Like what else? I told him, I'm pretty sure you're a serial killer. Like you're going to kill me. You're going to cut me up. He wasn't.

Or I'm still alive. You know what I mean? A thing. But I don't look like a little woman. So yeah. So we FaceTimed before. So that made me feel a lot better yeah and like he again he made me feel quite validated for being so freaking scared about going but i

remember he texted me when he was on the train and i was like oh i can't bail now he's on the train then i'd feel really bad if he got to london and i was like sorry bye anyway um I went and met him we met up outside we were in Covent Garden we went for a coffee and today so it was like a late afternoon to evening date okay so yeah I mean the whole comment so it was kind of nice that it was like in the daytime because again I was quite nervous about meeting a stranger again this is a foreign concept yeah like a dating app so i think it was like let's meet in the day and like kind of almost like see how it goes it was so exciting and when

i say like i saw him and pants up him like so good looking and instantly it was just we had a really good spot and it was exciting i just remember thinking this is so exciting like we just it was just like catching up with someone i'd known for a very long time like we went for a coffee and then we did we ended up just walking around covent Garden We got like A macaron Some macarons Macaroon mate Macarons I can't say things for a minute

I swear they got macarons The little French thing A smudge I swear you're a French mouth Macaroon Okay Potato pata We'll do that another time

But anyway We were like walking around I feel like everyone's going to be shouting at their phone right now It's macaroon. Okay. Potato, potato. Well, that's another time. But anyway, we were like walking around. I feel like everyone's going to be shouting at their phone right now. It's macro-roon. Okay, one of the things you need to know about me and my family is we have Carly-isms and they're words that I just don't know how to say properly. And that's just that. Just accept it and move on.

Accept it. Anyway, we went for dinner. We went to the Ivy in Covent Garden and it had been raining, but we were in an outside bit and it was all under like the alcovey bit and we had a really really nice meal and then weirdly like everyone disappeared and it was just outside and it was by the most romantic date I've ever been on like I don't my first I've I've been on a few first dates in my time nothing spectacular but it really stood out for me and I thought what I just remember when I started thinking what a lovely first date and experience to have like we didn't stop talking we didn't stop laughing I felt like we were both very drawn to each other like it was really exciting to have that spark and attraction with someone because again like

when you go through a big breakup or you're left feeling like your self-esteem's crap you you start to believe like you're never gonna have that with anyone or you almost feel like no one will ever see you as anything more than what someone else had I don't know I can't explain it but I had a really really rich good experience of dating bro so nice so yeah and again like one thing I will say is I don't think you ever hit a point where you're like I'm ready to date because I did not think I was ready to go on a first date and again it comes down to the person who it is like I wouldn't have I wouldn't have agreed to go on a date probably with someone who didn't have both things in common with me. Because my initial like justifying for going on the date was worse that comes to worse friend who gets it.

So it was really, it surprised me. There's something that I want to point out. Like I feel like sometimes it can be disheartening when you go on a date that isn't great. And the one that I went on that wasn't like it wasn't bad it just there was no spark and there wasn't anything there but then three days later I went on another day which was just like a completely different experience and it was so nice and we didn't do dinner we actually went we did crazy golf which was so nice because i feel like it's a lot more relaxed and i feel like i don't know i feel like it takes the pressure off slightly yeah we're seeing across the table from someone and this person that i matched with

like yeah i matched with the boring guy the same time as the crazy golf day and I could see straight away the different connections I had but because I hadn't really been on many dates I almost felt not obliged because I'd never just like he he looked good on paper so I thought let's give that a go and we'll give this one a go and just see how it goes and yeah the second date was just so nice like when you just click with someone and that's it it's all about the person yeah yeah um and it's funny because the guy that was boring had the kids been through the divorce and then the guy who I went out the kids, been through the divorce. And then the guy who I went out with where we just clicked, never been married, doesn't have kids. And I think that's where it kind of opened my eyes a bit more to like, as you said, it is the person.

It is. Connection. It's about that. I've never really believed in, I've never believed, I guess I've never really experienced that like chemistry and I don't know either yeah and when you suddenly get it it's like oh my god this is what it's meant to be like and how nice is it yeah and I don't know like for me as well I just feel like that it's thawed my ice heart but I've no I feel like it's opened my eyes a bit to being like not nope like close yourself off you're still in early territory like you have to be at least this amount of months or this many years into it before you start dating

I was very I was very much narrow-minded and like that in my head I was like I will not try and meet anyone for at least a year it's like why have I put that time figure on it actually I think I was a lot more ready to go on date or to to be open to dates then I realized and again I think a lot of that was to do with what my relationship was like before it actually ended. And so for a lot of people, and I think this also was a big part of my fear about dating is what's everyone going to think? If I go on dates a few months after my marriage is separated, they're going to be like, wow, she moves on fast. But again, no one knows what your marriage is like. fast but again no one knows what your marriage is like this is something I wrote in my notes was like I was very much in a relationship

that I wasn't happy in but I never told a single soul so even though I don't think I realized the extent of it even things that I probably should and would have liked to have told people I didn't out of fear of my relationship and my marriage being judged so I felt very isolated in how I felt really now I wish I'd been more open because I feel like a lot of people are like really shocked by I don't know like how how unhappy or things that have come out about like I don't know like just how I was feeling in my relationship for for a fairly long period of time and and I do genuinely believe that is why I am where I am now it's not because wow like my marriage ended this many

months ago wow she moves on fast like she's just that it's not like that at all yeah and and you know what it's the it could be the opposite it might be that your marriage ended a year ago and you know what you might not be completely ready to but that's the thing I think the key thing is not to judge anyone on what if someone wants to date someone let them do it if it's making them happy or if i don't know if they're going out and dating loads of people for experience let them do it every single person is different i also think like you as a person get to go out and do what you want to let like i don't know if you've got someone no i I agree I have had a few comments saying like oh like looks like you've like I think then I haven't shared that I've been on dates is fear of judgment

but again no one knows what was going on yeah like I do get that and I feel like even I like you said even I thought in my head like oh god maybe this is a bit too soon I'd work out and I'd be like shit it's only been five months or four months like is that too soon I almost made myself feel like I needed yeah because I was almost judging yourself and then I thought of you know what I spent over probably over a year and a half in my marriage not connected to someone so like what like and I know you've got a connection with someone why would you push that away but this is it in my head i think sometimes you can try and self-sabotage in situations like that and like overthink it too much and like like and i'm really

bad at that in my head like thinking it needs to be x amount of time but like what is time yeah what is time well why does it make a difference if you wait five months or two months and again i do genuinely believe it would come down to being the right person like if again like i am a very fragile person at the moment and i'm not saying i'm completely healed i'm in a much better headspace but of course like i'm but a year ahead of me of dealing with divorce and other things that person needs to be able to be tolerant and you know understanding and empathetic and

I just think it all comes down to timing not like physical time but the timing of when you meet someone and I just don't and just don't overthink it I think that's a big thing I think I'm a massive overthink i'm a massive overthink i'm my own worst bloody enemy i could talk myself out of anything yeah literally but i just think we just need to stop worrying

about what other people think and that's it when you go through like a breakup and like your whole world turns upside down i just think you need to put in perspective like we get one life you don't know how long it is are you going to spend the rest of your life doing what other people think you should be doing or are you going to you know what I think I've also learned is you're always even if you do what you think other people want you to do there's still always going to be someone

that doesn't agree with it so you do it it's funny I want to quickly revert back to I know we've like gone all deep but i want to go back to like talking about maybe looking at dating profiles and what like stood out as like a no oh my god yes i already read flags when it comes to these things so one thing i hate i really hate it is when someone stood at the mirror with the camera doing a selfie i bear with the camera doing a selfie

I bear enough you're doing a selfie like that sometimes it's the only way to get pictures because when they're like this in the mirror but do you know what

I don't mind that so much because in my head I think is it more cringe for a boy to put his photo like his camera and be like

yeah like the thought it's very girly like boys don't take as many photos no it's fat so I feel like in order for them to maybe like i wouldn't be surprised if a boy is like i want to go on a

dating app but i don't i don't have enough photos so i'm gonna need to take some so the only way to do it is kind of i suppose they're doing you know what i mean no my thing was when it was all groups it's all group photos they're all the same boys and you don't know who it is are you talking to the really fit one on the left we're you talking to the ugly one on the right that's a bit like so for me I sort of avoided that if you do not have a photo

on your own don't apply yeah don't match I also really hate topler like posed topler yeah that's

whether your body is good or not I feel like I prefer love I prefer to learn is good or not, I feel like... I prefer to love myself a bit more. I feel like, again, you obviously think that much of yourself. Oh, my God, actually, I have a funny one to tell you. So I matched with someone, and again, I don't know why I matched him because one of his pictures was definitely topless.

You obviously liked it. I don't even know. It was very early on anyway he was there's one picture with him and he had like a horse with him right a real one yeah real horse and then he said something i think it was on a beach and it was like a horse on him and he said something like oh you're a pt um i'd love to know what you think of my body or something like that what yeah oh i said um yeah you obviously matched with me because you thought my body looked good or something like that and i said oh sorry i thought it was matching with the horse. Do you know what the worst is?

When you eventually match, the conversation is flowing, you exchange numbers, and then the minute you're on WhatsApp, they just send you a dick pic. I've never had that. Oh, my God, I don't think I've got a dick pic from you. Oh, my God. But do you know I've got a dick pic on my DMs? No.

Yeah. Like, how is that? Oh, do you know I've got a dick pic on my DMs oh yeah like how is that I oh do you know what thank you for sending me a photo of your penis I'd love to marry you like

seriously I can't get any messages from this guy asking me to sell him pictures of my feet should have done it I should have done it no but like

if there's any guys listening like dick pics aren't cool it's not a turn on it's really fucking rang it's disrespectful

it is isn't it imagine if I just started sending him a photo of my tits everywhere I think I'd that's the difference

between men and women it's just you know I just feel like in this day and age like what is wrong with these men? Like, this is grown men.

Like, yeah, like, show me your vagina. Show me your vagina. I'll show you my penis. The thing is, I know you said sometimes conversations like, I'm not going to lie, I've had minimal conversations on apps just because i found them so dry but yeah dating apps have been a whole one more story that i'm gonna tell you which like this is why i feel like with dating apps if you click with someone i would personally move over to whatsapp fairly quickly because i did get catfished which yeah which is

I feel like just a bit of a horrible experience but it was with a guy that I was sort of dating and he kept we weren't exclusive, like we weren't solely just, we weren't not seeing other people. And he just had this constant like, I feel like you're speaking to other people, I feel like you're speaking to other people. I genuinely wasn't. So I was like, I'm not. He created a fake account. Oh my God, why are there so many mental people? I matched with him because she was really fierce.

And I'm talking to him at the same time as talking to him oh no and it was him and it was him and then when i found out that he has catfished me i think he felt proud of himself that he proved himself right and then he thought that we just carry on as normal and i was like you're a psycho so there's just some weird people out there i think that's one thing i've learned is there are some weird people. So be careful out there. Yeah, definitely. And that's it.

And I also think like the FaceTiming before a date. FaceTime before a date. So if it is new to you, a few pieces of advice. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks, firstly. Secondly, I don't think you always have to be 100 sure you're ready but do make sure you feel comfortable also one thing i will say is when you go on your first date pin drop all your girls yeah or be safe i do think you need to be smart it's a sad thing to say in this day and age but here i am saying that i met the guy at his house and got in his car

but he don't listen to Tash, basically. He seemed nice. Be aware, stranger date. He seemed nice, he was just real. Should we read some of the stuff that we got? Yeah. To send us some stories and some of the... About your funny dates.

Okay. Not my first date, but a guy that I was seeing for a month. His ex-girlfriend popped up out of nowhere pregnant with his child. Can you imagine being with someone for a month, his ex-girlfriend popped up out of nowhere pregnant with his child. Can you imagine being with someone for a month? Not good. Went on a day, had an average time, he then asked if I wanted

to be his submissive for money. Oh my god. See, people just say I'm a weirdo. That's what I mean. Oh, here's a funny one. Met at a restaurant and saw him getting dropped off by his mum. Sorry. That would be, that is like a massive ick, isn't it?

Yeah, no. Sorry. Can you imagine if they gave him a little kiss on the cheek? I'd be like, who the fuck is that? My mummy. No. I'll call you later. No, that is a no from me

split the bill my wine was more expensive so he made me pay one pound more and I thought he was rude I mean firstly I don't believe he's fitting the bill the first date I genuinely believe in him

he made her pay one pound more that is the biggest turn off bill the first date i genuinely believe they should pay so to be he made her pay then one pound more that is that's that is the biggest turn off yeah isn't it that makes every car sick i would i i think i'd actually turn around and be like are you doing i'm not paying anything i'm leaving by that's disgusting yeah um spat my chewing gum out and kicked it fuck knows why she flew off into a moving car. What? Into a moving car?

I love that she doesn't know why she kicked her gum. You added... What? It does make me laugh. Lol. My friend dated a guy for two years, slept over at his flat the lot. Turns out he was married. Okay, here we go.

Went to the cinema and during the film he took my shoe off and smelt it. I've fucking totally met. What? It was a fetish, surely. It might have been someone sitting in the cinema and going. I feel ill. Yeah, I would absolutely die at that. But I wouldn't even let him get that far.

I'd be like, why the fuck are you touching my foot? I unintentionally made him cry on the first date. I needed to make an exit and run away. I would love to know what you said. Yeah, I really want to know. That's hilarious. Unintentionally made him cry. First date.

He had a panic attack and was worried I had an STI. He had health anxiety. P.S. I can confirm I did not have an STI, nor sleep with him, for him to find out. Or saw him again. I actually know the person who sent that as well. Did you? Yeah, yeah. That's so funny.

You know, the person who sent those. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's so funny. Dated a guy who obviously watched too much porn and treated his girlfriend like they are in one. I mean, I'm not a big fan of, like, porn lovers, if I'm being honest. Who is?

Put that in your profile, guys. Must be a porn lover. He would obviously watch too much porn. I just feel like porn's so unrealistic. It is. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like it's got really... A face.

Hold on a minute. Brought his baby along. To a date. To a date. Brought his baby along. To a date. To a date. Brought his baby along. Oh my God. Yeah, you'd have to run. That's not a first date, is it?

That's not. They've just brought his baby along. That must be a first. That is terrible. Usual scenario, nothing like his pictures. Yeah, that makes me feel. That's my biggest fear. And again, that is why.

Get on FaceTime, girls. Yeah, that makes me feel... That's like my biggest fear. And again, that is why. Get on FaceTime, girls. Yeah, 100%. The most interesting he had to say about himself was how he shared a path with his neighbour to put the bins out. I feel like my dad would say that. Yeah. I can't even imagine being on a date

and being like, me and my neighbour. Can you imagine? It's just so weird. I i do you know what this all just makes me think like when you find someone who is relatively normal and nice you just gotta roll with it yeah 100 there are some weirdos yeah i don't feel like i've got any like other than like the catfish story i i sadly don't sadly Oh, sadly. I don't have any. My big one was MMF. Yeah, that was weird.

The fetish, isn't it? Yeah, I feel like we definitely need to at some point discuss weird fetishes because I want to hear people's fetishes. Yeah, and if they question box, they amaze me. Yeah. It just makes you remember we live amongst weirdos. And I'm actually quite normal yeah um but no I had fun that was a fun episode I feel like there's definitely going to be more episodes we're

going to talk about dating and obviously if you guys want to actually email in experiences or questions about what to do on a first day or like also i guess it would be good to kind of discuss like what to wear on the first day where to go what to do i did not know what to wear yeah no neither it's like do you wear boots you wear not because obviously i was in winter it was winter so it's like do you wear a heel do you wear a trainer and what do you do if it's like a day day into an evening date that was my dilemma did you wear trainers i would i did i will dance with you yeah and when i thought i think i do trainers and mix it on yeah but no there's so much more that we're definitely going to talk about about dating it's exciting and that's it like do you

know what like once you've moved past the trauma and like you've understood like one chapter closes another one open yeah and just generally dating in your 30s i think there's a lot to talk about it's very different to very much more aware of things what you want what you want and what you don't want so yeah no it was a good one so i hope you guys enjoyed it and i hope you listen next week yeah make sure you give a follow um we will share share us. That's how we reach more people. Yeah. And it helps us grow. So, yeah, thank you for your support.

Thanks for listening. Bye.