Not As We Planned - 70. If She Asks, Say I Was With You!

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Happy new year you to all our amazing listeners! We kick off our first episode of 2025 seeing cracks beginning to show in a new relationship and if someone can really put on a front for a year? Going through a breakup after divorce and wondering how to trust again and it’s time to write down that one goal for 2025!! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys! Hello and happy new year! 2025 baby!

Obviously right now it's not currently 2025. We're living in the future. Guys, what is January like? How is it serving you? How is your new year? The weather's like, what can anyone expect? Did anyone eat 12 grapes under the table? Oh yeah, I've seen all that. But anyway, no, we're actually still currently stuck in December, but we know they're all listening to this in January, so we thought we could quickly say happy new year and now we can talk about our shit show of a life in December.

Yeah, I'm feeling really flat now. I was in a really positive mood when I woke up and then I hit standstill two hour traffic to get in. If you know the M25, you know, you know. But do you know what? I think that's the worst I've ever had before. I didn't move for 45 minutes. And you know when you're like, there's a lorry in front of me, a lorry to the side, a lorry to the side, I felt a bit claustrophobic. I get that. There's nowhere to go.

Panic. So yeah, I felt just like really a little bit drained. But yeah, what's your week been like? I'm in a very positive vibe kind of mood. Rub it today, rub it off. So this weekend we had, we went out with all the kids. Cute. We went to Birmingham because we wanted to go to this cat cafe. What's a cat cafe? It's a cafe with cats in it.

Basically, it's really sweet. I'm not a cat lover. My kids are obsessed with cats and so are here. So we were like, well, it was his idea. It was like, let's go to the cat cafe. And then we also did crazy golf, which I was worried about, but honestly, it was just so good. So like his eldest was, she's just so good with the younger ones, particularly Milo. Milo's now obsessed with her. Like he hasn't stopped talking about her. And then she was wearing like an off the

shoulder top and I was in little the other day and after he's swimming, he has like this onesie on and he'd unzipped it and pulled it off his shoulder. And I was like, Milo, it's freezing. Can you pull up? He goes, I'm being like, and then said her name and I was cracking up. And yeah, the cat cafe, they basically take in like rescue cats. Sorry, that's so weird. No, it's nice. There was like cats with one eye, cats with half a tail, and then people can adopt them. And it's like, you know, it's not a cafe to eat there.

You eat there, but you have like, you get like this thing that you put over your food so the cats aren't on you, and there's hand sanitizer. Why? Not for me. No, no. Literally it's giving like, there's rabies in the cake. It's like that is wild. There's like fleas. Here have some flea too.

You don't go for the food. It's just like there's like pizzas and wraps and picky bits. But the kid, here's a paw. The kids loved it. And it was just, it was just really nice like to see them all really getting on. And and I I thought like each time we do something all together like Everyone's just more relaxed relaxed and it was just like we were just like looking at them like you're just so cold Yeah, it was really nice and then I Braved the book rave them taking my boy Sea Wicked.

I'm really, like, Milo's young. I'm fine. So we've been playing the soundtrack for ages and the boys, like, they love, they love singing their hearts out. And I showed them the trailer and Theo was like, I really wanna see it, mommy. And I was really worried about Milo.

It's a really long film as well. And also I thought it could be a bit scary, but it's a PG. Anyway, I was like, oh, I'm not sure, I'm not sure. Maybe we'll wait till it comes on the telly. And they were like, mummy, you want to see Wicked? And I was like, do you know what? Worst comes to worst, it goes to shit. I get up, I'll walk out the cinema

and accept it wasn't meant to be. They were brilliant. Theo was fixated the entire time. I absolutely loved it. At the end, you know, it says to be continued. It's like, we have to see the next one. And Milo, he got a little bit of fidgety in the middle, not like naughty or anything. And they were both scared. You know, when the fly monkeys smack into the window and everyone is like, I screamed. But after that, they were absolutely fine and both loved it and haven't stopped talking

about it. I literally won't take Blake because I think he'll have nightmares of the monkeys when the wings come out. We had the conversation about it afterwards. They're not bad monkeys. They got given wings and they didn't want them. They were probably just a bit angry. Yeah, I'm doing it to myself.

No, I mean, do you know what? I feel like that was the last good day I've had of my life. He's gone through some trend. Maybe he's turned into a monkey, but he has turned into a devil child this way. He's always been my easy child. I don't know what's going on. Is it a leap? Is it something?

Something's going on. I don't know if it's Christmas getting to the kids. Do you know what's actually quite interesting? So I felt like that leads me on to what I was going to talk about with Blake's behavior at the moment. And I put something on my Instagram about how just struggling had a really, really tough day with him. And everyone was saying that like, especially for neurodivergent children, this time of year is a real struggle. So it was stimulating.

I think it's like they also like, their routine changes slightly at school. It's all talking about things to look forward and learning them, but it can make them quite like, apprehensive and like, it's like the excitement of Christmas, but also like the uncertainty of no routine. And like, it can sort of throw them a bit and I've just seen it a lot with Blake. So I wonder if it is.

It could be that. Because we've been doing things like after school last week, I took them to Audley End to see Santa. Last night we went on a light trail. We don't do stuff like that in the week normally. And we have been, I wonder if he's just... Also, sometimes they need the break. It's like they can still like, you know, and it's don't do stuff like that in the week normally. And we have been, I wonder if he's just, also I don't know if they need the break. It's like, they can still like, you know, and it's not like they're going to be short term. Yeah, no, I agree.

And they're counted down days so they don't have to go to school or nursery. But I was sat there doing homework with Theo the other day and I turned around. Mine had got a bottle of paint and had thrown it across my floor, right? Paint everywhere and I turned around and you know, you're like, what the fuck? And the worst thing was, I was like, Milo, did you do that?

He just full on lied to me and was like, mummy, I didn't do it. And I'm like, well, how did that paint get from there to all over my floor? And he was like, you know, you're like, that's winding me up more. You're like, just admit it. Yeah. I was like, mummy doesn't like lies. Like, just admit it. Yeah. I was like, mommy doesn't like lies. Like, if you've done something you shouldn't have done, I'd rather you tell me and we can

figure out what we're going to do together. But light and heat, it was Adamant. He didn't do it. So maybe one of my elves, Israel, and maybe they're throwing paint across my face. Every elf has to go back to the North Cardinal. Really? Because they didn't like my behaviour. One came back today with their dad today.

So I'm just getting a nice little break. But I woke up the next morning after that. go back to the North Card. Really, because they came back to my age with their dad today. So I'm just getting a nice little break. But I woke up the next morning after that, Rome as well. Rome is usually so chilled. And it was a day that I had really bad with Blake that he decided to also turn into like the devil. And I was like, no, the elves guys are really sorry, but they're not here. Like they've gone back to report back to Santa because I don't think they'd like your behavior. So if you want them back, you're going to need to improve. Do you know what?

I feel like we've spoken about this before, but our parents didn't have the pressure of gentle parenting worrying about is this going to fuck them up in adulthood. And I've always felt the pressure and I felt like something needed to change this week. So I tried something that my boyfriend's done with his kids when they were younger. And we've had a conversation. I know what their favorite things at the moment are their squishmallows. They sleep with them every night. So now I'm like, I give them the choice. And that's like, that's the important thing. I'm only on day two of it, but it's worked really well so far. So I thought I'd share it. But you can choose to hit your brother or hurt your brother or, you know,

do something that's unkind. And if you do that, you are choosing not to have your squish mellow tonight. Or you can choose to behave and you get to keep it. So yesterday Milo just out of nowhere went up to Theo and just smacked him one and I was like, okay, so you've chosen to give up a squishamelo. And he cried and cried about it. I took it away. He was okay by the time he went to bed. And then this morning he got it back and I was like, okay, do you want to lose that again? He was like, no, I'm going to be good today. So I'm trying to make them realize they have a choice as to how they behave and like hit it. The one thing that triggers me more than anything is the hitting or the kicking or the beating the shit out of each other. Oh, hello. Yesterday the kids were fighting. Blake fell on his head, cut his head and broke his

glasses. Oh, that was with the kid? Yeah. And it's like the arm of one of the glasses, so like he can't wear those. He's not at school today because he's... Should I say, yeah. He's at his dad. Right. Had to go to the opticians this morning, see if they could fix them.

They can't. So he's now got a new eye test this afternoon and then hopefully we'll get them in a few days. But like the boy's like blind, like... And rightly, I should have got a spare pair. The glasses he's now got are his spare pair. And you know, it's just like life gets busy and then you like to get up to do other things. And like, yeah, so I understand the hitting.

That sort of discipline or whatever you want to call it wouldn't work for Blake. No, I get that. He needs immediate consequence. And if it's too far away, like something gets taken away at a later date, he just can't. I understand. Yeah, I don't know if it will completely work. It worked with Milo last night.

Yeah, no, it worked. It worked. Then great. I'm not very good at discipline or following through. I see. If I say something, no hope in hell. I'm going back. very good discipline or following through. I see if I say something like no hope in hell. I'm on going back. I'm the biggest pushover.

This is where I'm trying to get better. No, but all I say is don't make empty threats. Don't say something you don't want to. Oh, don't say something that's gonna in turn actually make it more difficult for you. Yeah, exactly. You know, it's if you don't, if you don't, you can't go on.

Oh, that's funny. See, we're not coming back. Just a funny man. And then you're at the part of the next day. That's me all over. So that's like one of my resolutions is to like, why do you, like as soon as it's come out of my mouth, I'm like, well, that's stupid to say, can't it? Yeah, because that's not gonna happen. It's not gonna happen. Any more of an update from me? To be honest, no, I am now really ready for the kids to break up. Oh yeah, I'm so ready. Really, really ready. I can't remember if I shared this or not, Blake started medication, I said that didn't I? So he's actually started a new medication now. So I put him on a medication

at 8am that he has at home and then after about four days I had a little review with the teachers and they said that he is so good in the morning and it's wearing off so he's now started today's day three of a different medication that he takes at school at 12. Okay. And the teachers emailed me yesterday saying he had the most amazing day which was just so nice so fingers crossed. Still trial and error isn't it? He's not taking it over the Christmas holiday, so that should be interesting, which is a bit annoying. I think we might give him a bit.

No joking. Slash our way takes on. So yeah, I don't really have much of an update. I've got a way tomorrow. Oh, you already have a way. I haven't got. Well, my boyfriend's away with work there from Sunday evening and like we looked at flights and they were so cheap and the hotel's so cheap we were like, he was like, fancy

a trip to Malaga. So I was like, okay, let's see if we can fly to Malaga. What's the weather like there? It's like it's just seen and sunny, like, I see like a light jumper. We're doing this like, with Book Biscs, like walk in like the side of a cliff and it's like this really cool like track. So I'm really excited. It's just something different. You know, I think it's just a bit like, this weather's quite depressing. I'm finding being away from my kids in December quite difficult because I'm like, I just want to do Christmassy style and they're not with me. So it's quite nice to have like just a big distraction and going away and that being exciting. So yeah, it'd be quite nice because all like my long

weekends I've had with my boyfriend have been interrupted by his work trips the last three weeks even though it will be again this week, but it's just nice to have nice things like to do. even though it will be again this week, but it's just nice to have nice things like today. It's a nice week. Crack on. This is called a boss, a gay male, and a stripper. Sounds like a consel. And a boss, a gay male, and a stripper. I think it sounds like a sex subversion of Cluedo.

Rrrr. In the drawing room. I'm super excited me and my friend are coming to a live event after a crappy few years where we had both pulled each other out of the gutter. This would be awesome. So we just start. Me and Cash sold out of our event in less than 24 hours. Actually, it was 14 hours.

We sold out of our event in Patreon, which we did not anticipate. We had to call the venue and beg them to allow us to have more tickets. So... Smashed it. We've smashed it. And thank you guys, because that would not be a thing without you. We, we, yeah, I think we undersell ourselves to ourselves. Yeah, we're very, very excited.

We can't wait. Exciting things to come. Can't wait to meet you guys. Okay, I'm a single mum to two beautiful children where I have them majority of the time. As their dad says, it's no longer substantial for him to have them every day, off he gets. Yeah, nice one, what do I do? Anyhow, I'm currently going through a divorce, a messy one at that, where we're going to end up in court to settle things. That's a different story for another day. But two years ago, I met someone who I believed was going to be my person. I felt all the

feels that I had never had before. I looked at him and thought, wow, how did I get so lucky? No, I think that right now. Yeah, that's how, you know what, I'm doing this new thing because I've literally had a conversation this week where he would must've listened to the episode on the way to me on Monday. He was like, Carly, this is really damaging to your brain right now. Like all the stuff you're hearing.

He's like, no wonder, like you've got issues. I'm just trying to put myself in new hair space. Like, yeah, this is your guy, but this isn't my guy. I've got a good one and he's never gonna do this. So that's, I'm trying to positive. I'll tell you what I sometimes say. Like I sometimes like, I don't like, this seems too good to be true. And I try and flip it and think, actually, no, I deserve this. I've got what I know I deserve. You deserve it. Exactly.

Anyway, he equally seemed so into me and was loving, caring, thoughtful, the lot. Everyone who knew him said how honest, loyal, nice he was, something I'd never had before. As every relationship I have been in, they have cheated on me. I was very good and trusting first until they gave me a reason not to. Despite my past, I still felt that he shouldn't get the grief that someone else had caused me. How naive I was. After about nine months into our relationship, I noticed a change in his behavior. It's always that change. His phone was always picked up as soon as I left the room.

As soon as I returned, it would go back down. He would make sudden movements to his position when I would sit next to him and then 30 seconds later pick up his phone. But the position he had moved into meant that his phone screen was out of view. He always wasn't as affectionate with his words like he once was. I'm not daft and I've seen all the tricks in the book in my previous relationships, including my marriage. One time I went to an early morning gym class and he laid to sleep in my bed. Five minutes drive and I'm at the gym I went to message him on WhatsApp to ask about what brekkie he wanted me to grab when I was done and surprise surprise he was online. I spoke to him about it that I found it odd as he was asleep when I left

and his phone was downstairs so he was shot out of bed as soon as I left only to be messaging. He offered me his phone for me to check and said, I just think of being insecure. I took this on the chin. Actually, it may have been the case due to my past I didn't check his phone as I was worried about looking like a psycho. How wrong was I? I introduced him to my children a year into our relationship because he told me he wanted the family life with me etc. Convinced me completely. I waited a year because I didn't want my children to meet several partners. I only wanted the one. He would say things to me like,

I'm going to marry you one day. The works. Everything I'd hoped for in a relationship I thought I had. No. Roll. We went to his friend's wedding last year where he was the best man and I knew no one. It was a lovely day. We had a great time and honestly thought how lucky was I. But there was still a niggling inside me the following morning where we had stayed at the venue. He was on his phone in bed while I was getting ready. So I thought I'd test it out. I was getting up and down the bed so quickly just to test it every time he would put his phone down. And honestly, every time, up, down, up, down,

funny now I think about it. I knew I had to get on his phone. I didn't know his password, but I knew the last digit as I had seen him punch it in. Before we left the venue, he asked for a photo of us. Both handed a woman the phone and it was locked. Brilliant, now's my chance. What's your password?

It's locked. He walked off all casual. Oh, you'll know. You'll know it anyway. Taking the phone, it's, let's just say, tennis. With the letters to the numbers. So now I had the password. I just had to wait for the opportunity.

Oh. One day, a week after the wedding, he came to mine after a night shift, sleep at my house for the day so we can have the afternoon together. He leaves his phone downstairs all the time. So I got his phone, typed in what he told me the password was,

but he hadn't told me the full password. He missed off the last number. Perfect, because I had the last digit. Stop! I'm in, and I checked his phone and couldn't see anything wrong until I read, until an unread message was sitting there called, let's say, Jack Hello, who says a number under their own name with hello after it? I opened it up and there it was, messages between the person I suspected. At work.

Was that where? At work. Another one. And asked him about it. I don't know why I'm laughing. This is obviously not funny. I don't know why I'm laughing. This is obviously not funny. I don't know why I'm finding it so triggering today. I've been your girl.

It was a message between the person I suspected had worked and asked him if anything was going on for six months. They had history between one another, which I'd heard rumours about prior to meeting me, but he denied until he was blue in the face. It was messages like should we go to Paris for the weekend? All the same time he had sent that to me they were saying miss you, making plans for the future, all words as I also read that they had never met up or even called one another. She is a boss at our joint work, she knows me, knew we were together and quite frankly she has a right reputation. There isn't one person out there that hasn't been there. Disgusted.

Having read enough, I went flying up the stairs to kick him out and then slowly reverse out of my bedroom to truly get the facts. I've been fooled before but not truly knowing it all. So I shut the door and went back downstairs. I took pictures of all their chats and despite her rank in work, I rang her and called her out. She denied it at first and then once I explained I was sitting there with his phone whilst he was asleep, she claimed that she didn't know about us, which was bullshit and promised nothing else had happened other than messages. I then rang his best mate and went off on one asking his friend whether he had always been this much of a liar and this manipulative.

Then I proceeded to go and do all my makeup, looked my best before waking him up. He tried to lie at first, but once he realised I'd been caught out, he agreed to it. I spent a couple of weeks with him, begging for me to forgive him. I spoke to her in person too about it. She was only worried about it all coming out of work more than being bothered that she hurt me. But stupidly, and despite me knowing I'd never get the trust back, I took him back as I knew nothing physical had happened while we had been together. But that should have been enough. I was hurt and shocked by everything that I had read. The person I thought who was the loyal one for a change had become the person who caused me most hurt that I had read. The person I thought who was the loyal one for a change

had become the person who caused me most hurt that I'd never expected from him. As we progressed, we had some good times but I still didn't trust him and there were red flags. Ones that I saw but was holding onto our first year before I started noticing everything. We do that, don't we? Like, we ignore it and then like romanticize that person and think of all the good things and the way that they were at the beginning.

But really, they've changed. No, or maybe they're always that person and you romanticise them. They are, yeah. Do you romanticise them? So like in the first year, people probably put on more of a front and... I don't personally think that someone can fake it for a year. It's a long fucking time. Three months, yeah.

Six at a push. I really, really don't think you can fake it for a year. I think that is someone not looking at the real picture. A year is a long time to go. It's a self-assertion of other people, you know. I don't think my ex-husband put on a show for 14 years and then the last three were really bad. I ignored everything. I remembered what he used to be like. I held on to that. I was hoping that he would come back. Do you know what I mean? I get that.

He would visit his best mate who lives miles away to never take me even after they had their first baby and I asked to go with and see them. Bearing in mind I'd been to their wedding and again he didn't take me. Time alone was rare and I should be jumped at the chance when we were able to do so I couldn't make sense of why he wouldn't want to see me. Christmas Eve he was driving back to mine from visiting his friend. He was very good with communication and would FaceTime me always when he was away so I felt reassured and he spent Christmas day with me and my kids and everything seemed amazing. But May this year something felt off. He was still very open about his phone since it all and kept the same password but he would delete everything, claimed it was

his OCD. I noticed there were blocked contacts in WhatsApp so I take a photo of those and I also noticed that he had blocked his male gay boss on WhatsApp from seeing his profile picture, which was a picture of me and him again. Another reassurance to me to have him, to have us on his profile. I remember when my ex-husband changed his WhatsApp picture for me and him. So just the kids. Oh no, just him. Just him pointing me out. from me and him. So just the kids? Oh no, just him. And I questioned him. And I questioned him and he was like, you're so paranoid. Cool.

I think that's probably quite common. Why hide your male boss? He denied it being anything and claimed it must have been an accident. A few days later I noticed a message pop up from an unsaved number but the profile picture was his boss. Someone who I also know as we work in the same place. Again he gave some bullshit story but I believe he was just getting attention from him and probably quite liked it. I spoke to him about his blocked contacts without letting on that I had a picture of them and again he claimed that they were spam. I had too much going on with my divorce to think about that being a lie, so I sat on

it until I was ready to face it. But one contact out of the three really stood out to me. It was a female name with a female profile picture and I just got this feeling. In June this year I messaged him explaining that the spam blocked contacts didn't sit right with me, so asked him to send me a screenshot of the contacts. He made a real fuss about it but eventually sent me the screenshot. One number had been removed and replaced with another one. The one I got a feeling about had been removed so I knew I had to make contact with her. I messaged her and we had a few back and forth messages and she offered me to call her so I did.

Jesus Christ. Oh my God. She told me... I don't want to know. God. She told me she was a stripper and she works in the town where he goes to meet his best friend. He's been in the club the night before Christmas Eve and chatted to her, didn't have a dance but said to her that he wanted to take her out and treat her like she deserved. And she gave him her number. She messaged the next day where he did ignore her

and he then blocked her from then. However, that was strike two. I rang him, called him all the names under the sun, yet again, claiming to be this loyal, honest man. However, going to strip clubs and chatting up strippers, for what reason, when you're coming back home and spending Christmas with me and my children, I wasn't having it.

So that was that, all done, however it's not, because why can I not get him out of my head? Why have I not moved on from him? I see him most days at work and at heart. I'm in a much better place now than two months ago, but he still has a hold on me, he still contacts me, he's still this nice person who I enjoy speaking to. I've since been told he is now dating seeing another girl on his team. She's only just left her husband and I suspect she's probably left him for him. Should I approach her and tell her what he's like? It was only the other

day he was messaging me saying that he still loves me and he still wants to continue to message me because he doesn't like the idea of me moving on. Yeah, because he's breadcrumbing you babe. My head is, I know I wouldn't get back with him. He doesn't deserve me, but my heart still replies to his messages. Why do I? I also feel for this new girl if it's true and they're dating, why is he still messaging me? He just wants attention from anyone and then very much a girl's girl and would like to be, like to pre-warn her what he is really like. What should I do? Much love ladies. Look, we've said before, I don't think you need to necessarily get involved. Let her

figure that out herself. Well, I think there might be a part of you involved. Let her figure that out herself. You know. I think there might be a part of you that wants to do it to stop it. Like are you really doing it? Yeah, is it for her or is it ever enough? I don't think so.

Yeah, it's gonna be for you. This man is bad news. You say it's strike two. What's it gonna take for you to realize this man's not gonna change? Like, I think the thing that stood out for me there is this second time around, that's only what you found out. I bet there's more going on that you don't know about, you know, crossovers, other women. This man doesn't sound like a good

guy. He's not a good guy. He's making empty promises. I think when someone demonstrates to you that they cannot be trusted anymore, you need to read that because trusting someone you're with is very, very much bare minimum. And I don't know how you would carry on and move forwards and actually legitimately trust someone. Do you know what I think the thing is? I think that when someone does something and completely breaks the trust in a relationship, you really, really want to think that you can forgive them and that things will go back to the way they were. But I think the longer you hold on and the more chances you give, all you're really doing is delaying the inevitable because not having that trust and becoming paranoid, it becomes toxic in your relationship.

And I lived that, that was me in my marriage. And I think that you hold on for so long, but really all you're doing is wasting valuable time and giving someone your energy when they really, truly don't deserve it. And don't get me wrong, there are times where it can work out and people sort it and there's remorse and whatever. But I

just feel like what we've read I think is the prime example of you need to now really look at what you're dealing with. He's not a good person. Stop romanticising him. Stop romanticising the relationship. Really look back and figure out that in that year that you thought that he was good, he probably wasn't. They were probably thinking... He's not set away and done any kind of work or anything to reassure, like, if that was me, not if that was me, but you'd think if someone was trying to prove to you you can trust them, they'd do anything, they wouldn't make stupid little slip-ups like that.

We shouldn't be doing those things in the first place, let alone slipping up on it. But it- I think the mistake that we make a lot is we see these things happen in front of us. They unfold, they're bad, they're red flags, they can't be trusted. And look, I'm guilty of it. You don't have the strength to leave. You love them.

You don't want to accept it's happening either. It's ruining your little plan. It's ruining your little life you had. And what you envisioned to be with them. I don't want to accept it's happening either. It's ruining your little plan. It's ruining your little life you've had. And what you envisioned to be your future, but the only time you'll ever really truly be happy is when you accept what you found out, who they are and move on from it. And it's taking that responsibility now

to really do the work on yourself and cut the contact as best as you can. I know you work with him, which isn't ideal, but yeah, we're excited to see you in February. And hopefully by then you can give us a little update and hopefully you have put him in the bin because that's where he belongs. Break up round two. Oh. Hi girlies. I just want to say a massive thank you for your podcast and your Instagram post. They helped me get

through my breakup to my ex-fiance in early 2023 and now I'm going through another breakup. I can resonate with so many of us who stay so long to try and have the perfect family life but I made the decision to leave my ex after five years. He was a really bad drunk. I know he took drugs, but denied it and I am certain he cheated on me numerous times. I saw a text on his phone to his friend once saying if she asks, I was with you. And another occasion, we used to have each other's location. One night when I was early pregnant he came in 7am the following morning and at the time lied that he was at someone from work's house.

I later found out that's not where that person stayed and even when we broke up he couldn't answer me where he was that night. Instead he said I was blackout drunk. This is the short version and I ignored way too many red flags, but I finally made the decision to leave and I'm so glad I did. We broke up less than two years ago and he's already about to have another baby with someone else. I checked out of our relationship way before it ended, so I'm not hurt, but it still feels shit.

I think so many women do the checking out. It's not a known fact. I think I said it last week, or week before, where it was like, if a woman has broken up with you, she didn't make that decision on that day. That's so true. Yeah, no, that's so true.

Honest, no, I'm telling you now, unless they've been hit with news that they suddenly found out, if a woman has broken up with you and you thought your relationship was okay, she planned it months ago. Burn. He's a typical nasty, narcissistic ex and I'm struggling so much at the minute because my

daughter, aged four, is so upset whenever she's going to his and I've recently changed my work to spend an extra day with her, which means I'll now need to see her dad once a fortnight. But when I told her she wouldn't be in nursery on Fridays anymore, she was so excited and said, Mommy, does that mean I never get to see daddy ever again? And it actually breaks my heart. But when I ask her why, and I've tried so many different things, she just says, because I want you, Mommy. I bought the book one of you recommended, but do you have any other tips? Or have you been through this? We'll come back.

Should we come back to that in a minute? Yeah, I'll show you, mom. Fast forward, I met my current partner, ex-partner in September last year. Our friends introduced us and we could literally write each other the story. We broke up the same weekend with our exes, both together the same length of time, both have a daughter and the same age and our weekends with the girls were the exact same. Basically we went on our first date and have been inseparable ever since. Over time there have been things I've been unhappy with. He's so laid back but far too

chill that his attitude was basically, because we live together of course, he wants to be with me but no real reassurance or any words or actions to make me feel properly loved. There's been white lies such as him borrowing his brother-in-law's shoes but saying they were his or money things. Anyway, the final straw was that I had gone on his phone and shared his location with me. I'd had wine and shouldn't have done it. I genuinely do trust him because we are together all the time, but I feel damaged from my ex. His attitude is, well, that's not my fault whereas my attitude would be what can we do to make things better. Things were fine after he found out I'd shared the location and then three to four days later

he hit me with the fact he was going to get his own place and was basically breaking up with me. I'd literally been racking the girl's Christmas presents the night before. It turned out he was speaking to his family about it before he even spoke to me and was aware he was going to have to chat with me whilst I was still talking everything Christmas, holidays, etc. I just feel like it was meant to be with us, with our situations and now I'm about to go through breaking up a family all over again because the girls are literally like sisters, twins, and have been inseparable for the last year. I just don't know how I'm going to cope. I know those red flags I ignored, but I shouldn't have, but I had totally convinced myself that it was meant to be because of our situations and the girls. I just feel all over the place

and feel like I've gone from one extreme to the other. And now I can't change him as a person, but I just feel worthless and that he is just happy to walk away. I've suffered from chronic UTI's for almost two years and my mental health has suffered in turn as well as the fact I've put on weight, I just feel really shit about myself and just don't know how I'll move on or how I'm going to ever trust anybody again. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything and financially everything is a mess and I feel like none of my friends understand the difficulty of it all. Sorry I said I keep this short and I've written more in peace but I just want to say thank

you for starting your podcast. It makes me feel like we're not aligned. I think there's a couple of things to address in this. So the first was about not wanting to go to the other parent's house. This is something I think we've both spoken about. I struggled with this weekly. Last night we did this enlightened trial and they have like a wishing wall. So I was like, oh, tell me your wish and I'll write it down. And Theo was like, I wish I could spend every

weekend with you, mommy. And like, broke my heart like that this is his life, do you know what I mean? But I don't know what's worse, that or your kids saying, I want you and daddy to live together because Blake said that to me the other day. Oh, yeah, no, mine, mine would never say that. But they, they, every single week I'm battling with, we don't want to go to daddy's. I don't want to go, I have tears over every way. And I know they're fine when they're there. And I really try and like say,

you're gonna have so much fun at daddy's house. Like, you know, I'm sure daddy's got something really fun for you planned. And I really try and make that a positive thing. I don't want them to, I don't want to feed into that and be like, oh, I don't want you to go. Oh, cool, yeah, cool. So why, but I say, they're like, but we miss you. I'm like, mommy misses you, but it means I really look want to feed into that and be like, oh, I don't want you to go. Oh, cool. Yeah, cool. So I say, they're like, but we miss you.

I'm like, mommy misses you. But it means I really look forward to the time when we're together. It means mommy can rest. I don't think there is a solution with that. Unfortunately, I'm two and a half years down the line and Ivy still cries every time she goes to her dad. Part of this life. It's sad.

But I think you've just got to, like Harley said, reassure them that you're gonna have so much fun when you're back with mommy, you're gonna have lots of fun at daddy, and there's sort of nothing you can do about it. There isn't a solution. I think as well, where they're so young, like yours is age four, mine are three and five, they don't get a say in it.

They need to have a relationship with the other parent. As much as you might feel a certain way about them, that's their dad and it's really important that continues. So I think what we can do is by encouraging that and there isn't a quick fix. You can't just suddenly make them want to go there. They start to make up their own minds about things but I think we just need to encourage that relationship and just support them. And also when they get back if they are tearful, almost like validating their feelings of if but I think we just need to encourage that relationship and just support them. And also when they get back, if they are tearful, almost like validating their feelings of if they're saying, you know, they missed you, they wanted you, you know, you say, I understand that

I missed you too and I'm so happy we're back together and just kind of making them feel heard. But it, it, there's not a magic fix for that. Unfortunately, no, unfortunately not. In regards to what she said about, you know, the only thing that I can try and relate to with this is that, you know, I went through a breakup after a divorce and it massively knocked me. And I think that sometimes when you go into that first relationship after a divorce, I think, I'm not saying that you romanticise it even more, but I think for me, because I saw qualities in my ex-boyfriend that I'd never experienced before, I did automatically put him on this pedestal and I thought like,

you know how she was saying, our situation just seems so perfect? I sort of felt the same with my ex-boyfriend because he, in my head, I convinced myself that I didn't want to be with someone who had kids or because I didn't like the idea of like a permanent ex on the scene, but his ex had a child who he had lived with for five years. So in my head, I thought, wow, he comes with experience, but no baggage. And I was like, this is just amazing. it's perfect. And you like create this cute little story in your head and think like, we were meant to be and he's got all these things that my ex didn't.

And then before you know it, you have romanticized this whole thing and it sounds like you sort of did the same and you have admitted that you ignored red flags. And I'm not ever gonna sit here and say like, you know, you ignored it, there's nothing that you, you know, it is what it is now. But like, you will end up finding the right person

if you make sure that you do that work and make sure that you don't ignore those red flags and you are vigilant with it and there are good people out there. Like I know that it makes you worried that, oh God, you're going through it again and you feel a bit like a failure because it's like, I've already gone through a divorce and now having to go through a breakup. Every relationship is a lesson. You've just got to make sure you take what you can from it and really learn

from it not to do what you've done before. I know you said like, at some point in that email, how he was really laid back and I didn't really give you words of affirmation. I wonder, did you ever communicate that with him and said, look, like, this is what I need and things that I wonder if like, the breakdown of the relationship has to do with that lack of communication, meeting each other's needs, from both parts, maybe there was something he was missing, because we don't really have a full explanation as to why he's decided, but I completely agree with Tash from listening to that. It sounded like you were holding on to this idea, you were meant

to be together, everything happened at the exact time. The two girls are best friends and it's all like, beautiful. Yeah, and I think that's it. Sometimes you have to see what is in front of you. And like at the end of the day, if he's quite happy to walk away, I think you need to take a step back and realize maybe this isn't this little romantic little story that I envisioned. And actually, do you know what? He wasn't meeting my needs. He didn't make me feel particularly loved. He didn't offer me those words of affirmation that are so important to me. And actually am I compromising my own needs being met to stay with someone? We should never be doing that.

No, and do you know what? I want to, I hope that what I'm about to say can give people some hope. I'm not sitting here saying that I'm running off into the sunset right now, but right now, and I thought about it the other day, like this is the most content, especially at this time of year. I don't remember the last time I was actually content at Christmas, and it's so nice to feel this calm and support from a partner.

But when I went through my breakup at the beginning of the year, I honestly thought, I just cannot even, I can't put it into words, the pain that I felt and how crappy I felt. And I never thought in a million years that I would look back and be so grateful for that experience because without sounding so like cliche and a bit lame, like that healing process of that breakup

has honestly shaped me into a completely different partner and how I'm showing up now in my relationship. And I wouldn't be with someone who I feel really grateful to be with right now had I not experienced that breakup and that heartache and that real, like, sit in your really uncomfortable emotions situation. So I promise you that although it may seem like a really dark place now, you've sometimes got to go through that in order to get to where you're meant to be. And I know that if someone said that to me

whilst I was in it, I'd be like, fuck off. But I just, I really hope that I can just show you that like good can come out of really shit situations and without that shitty staff, like you're not gonna get there. And once one door closes, another one will eventually open if you do the work. So yeah, thank you for emailing in.

I've got something I want you guys to do. It's the start of the year. I want you to find a notebook or a diary or even a note on your phone and you're going to open it up, not when you're driving, if you're listening when you're driving, think of it in your head, and you were going to write a feeling or something you want to achieve by December 2025. It could be anything. It could be, you know, feeling content being on my own. It could be leaving the relationship I'm currently in that's not certain.

Something, just one thing. Don't think of a million. One thing that you want to have achieved by the end of the year. But write it as if you've achieved it. Yeah. I'm so glad that I left that relationship. I'm so glad that I'm finally Pinting on my heel. Yeah, happy or whatever. Yeah, write it down.

Yeah, I'm so happy. I'm the boss. That's gonna be me next. Yeah, and with that, should we end with a little affirmation? Let's do it. How about 2025? It's my year.

It's gonna be my year. It's gonna be my year. It's gonna be my year. It is, it's gonna be our year. Love you guys, thank you so much. Have a great start to the new year guys and we will see you next week. Bye. Bye.