Not As We Planned - 71. We May Be The Villain But They Are The Clowns

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Tash shares a big update in her relationship, we are hit with a dilemma when you find out your partner cheated on you 2 years ago at the beginning of your relationship, a thank you from a grateful follower for repairing her marriage and realising you chose the wrong man to have a baby with! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals although I feel like I am one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties.

Hello there! Welcome back guys! Hey, hey, hey! This is our first time three weeks filming. Yeah, three weeks. And it's officially January. I'm really ill. Just apologies if there's coughs this episode. I've got the flu thing. I can't go out. Honestly, I've been ill for like nearly three weeks. I'm freaking out. So, how long was your Christmas? It's the third week talking about Christmas now, but... I didn't have a great Christmas.

Yeah. And I feel like I've been battling a lot the last few weeks with trying to make peace with how shit it was. Do you know what I mean? I think I was really anxious anyway because I didn't have the kids. So I had my boyfriend here Christmas Eve and like we were both feeling really weird because it was both our first without the kids and we just like, it was a nice evening.

It was a nice evening. Only silver lining is it? We did, yeah. And Christmas morning was nice, like we woke up with each other, gave each other our presents and stuff and like, But then we were both just sat there and we both just got really upset. It was weird, I will not lie, coming down the stairs and all the presents being under the tree.

It felt weird. But we went to my sister's for lunch, which was really nice. And then it was the first time he's met my sister's husband's parent. Right. They'd just, as soon as he left, because he had to leave halfway through to get his kids.

And everyone's just like, God, he is just so different and so perfect for you. And like, they were like, he's so into you. Like just, it was so nice to see other people see what I see. We just had a really, yeah, it was really nice. But then I got the kids back at, so I went to pick them up at 4.30. I get to the car park, where I was like, I'm not coming to your house. Let's meet in the middle. And he's like, oh, Milo's been sick. Like, he's just had a, like, they were both exhausted, like, crying, like, because Milo

had been sick. Theo had just woken up or something. Get back to my sister's house. Milo literally starts burning up, like, a temperature of, um, 39.7, like, boiling, like, honestly, I have to show you pictures of him. He's just like, on the sofa, like, really floppy. So I'm like, on the phone to one mom, one honestly, I have to show you pictures of him, he was just like on the sofa, like really floppy. So I'm like on the phone to my mom, and so I'm like, this isn't normal.

Like he, and he's well, like medicine wasn't bringing his temperature down, you know, when you're like Merry fucking Christmas. Anyway, by the time like I'd managed to speak to someone, they wanted to send an ambulance out for him. And I was like, no, I'm not taking an ambulance away from anyone. Like I'm happy to bring him in somewhere. I just want to get him checked over. Like he's not

himself. Like he couldn't even like keep his eyes open. It was really weird. And then they were like, oh, fine. We'll get someone to call you back. By the time someone had called me back, he'd perked up a bit. So I was like, it's fine. But you know, you just sat and then Theo, they were both like, all they wanted was to literally be attached to me. And everyone's trying to get these family photos that they're waiting for, for my kids to get there. And they weren't vibing it because they're naked. And you know, you're just like, it was really hard work.

It was really, really hard. This is my Christmas. And you know, I was really upset because I was like, this is all I've got. Yeah. And then that next day, Milo was really, really ill again, like temperature. So we didn't do anything on boxing. So we didn't get my Christmas day on boxing day. We were just here. And it was pretty crap. Like it's hard picking off the kids when they're on well. Theo was frustrated and wanted to go out. and then I feel like since then the kids have taken it in turns to get ill. I've had sickness, I've had like kids have diarrhea,

I've then got the flu. When I was like wiped the other day like to the point like I couldn't physically get out of bed. So I asked my ex, I was like look the kids were with him over the weekend. I was like I am burning up a temperature I can barely get out of bed. So I asked my ex, I was like, look, the kids were with him over the weekend. I was like, I am burning up a temperature. I can barely get out of bed. Like, could you just possibly have them like for one more night and have them tomorrow? Like my, my life's got childcare anyway. He was like, no, I'm working.

So I had to have them back. I sent my leg to childcare, which I wasn't gonna do. And Theo blessed him was so good. I was like, look, mommy really isn't well. I need you to just let me sleep today. And Theo, bless him, was so good. I was like, look, mummy really isn't well. I need you to just let me sleep today. And like, he just got on with it. Like, but there's nothing worse than being ill and having zero help.

Like, obviously, no, my family didn't wanna then get ill from my load. Like, so then you're stuck on your own feeling. I'm still not recovered. Like, you can hear, I'm still not recovered, like, cause I've had no break to do it. So yeah, sorry to come in with the negative. I think the only positive I wanted to say is like,

if you had told me that this is how my Christmas would have gone and I was already dreading it, I would have been devastated. And I've kind of made peace with the fact that it's been, it's gone. I can't change it. And that was my first one not having them and it was shit. And hopefully it will never be that shit again. And that's just how I've had to look at it.

And I know that next year it's yours. Like, yeah, it's just, it was crap. Like there were lots of things we couldn't do. I feel like we've had a bit of a lousy, I feel like my kids are always ill in school holidays. Just be ill during term time. I feel like we never get to do fun stuff so I feel like I've put stuff in. But yeah, how was yours? I feel bad. You're not like me.

Do you know what? One thing I will say, I was really like, reflexive over Christmas because I think I spoke about this previously. it really was kind of like the first Christmas where I've been genuinely like content for a really long time. Like Christmas Eve, what do I do with the kids on Christmas Eve? We actually ended up just because sometimes I just feel like for me anyway there is so much pressure to do all these different things with the kids. I do find it hard going into London on my own with the three of them.

So instead of just making it difficult for myself, I met up with my best friend and her kids, they're all best friends, we went out for a really nice lunch, came home, we did the Christmas Eve boxes, they got in their pajamas, we watched a Christmas movie, we did some colouring and it was just, like, just a nice, a nice day. It's been like Christmas, yeah. A nice day without having that pressure of like, needing to do what everyone else is

doing on Instagram. So, it was really nice. And then, once they went to bed, my boyfriend came over, spent the evening with me, but he didn't stay because God knows what time, I didn't know what time they were going to wake up for Christmas. So it was nice just to have someone there like, yeah, before Christmas. And then yeah, Christmas day, like the whole morning I was with them on my own. But like, I think what's something that I want to really highlight for anyone that may have just experienced their first Christmas on their own as a single mum or they feel like being January and how we've discussed it is kind of like that divorce

month if you are worried that Christmas in December is going to be your first Christmas on your own. I was so content just me and them. I literally just what I'd like, I just wanted to be just me and them. And it was just, just watching their faces when they open their presents and like you bring the magic, regardless of whether it's on Christmas day or has to be on Boxing Day. Like you still get to see those like faces light up. It's just fucking priceless. And then went to my parents for lunch

and then their dad picked them up at like six. And then that evening I went to my friend and we had like a really fun evening. We like made them baked, we colored, we watched Harry Potter. We, yeah, and I just thought, you know what? You just gotta make the best out of what you've got. We baked, we coloured, we watched Harry Potter. Yeah, and I just thought, you know what? You've just gotta make the best out of what you've got.

Yeah. I'm really grateful I had them on Christmas day. Wish I could have had them more. But I made plans with who was around and still had fun. And then they were with their dad on Boxing Day. And then it is very back and forth because it was then my birthday. So I had them for a bit on my birthday.

I wanted like the morning with them. And then I was just like, what have I been through? But yeah, no, it was really nice. And also something to share. My boyfriend met my ex-husband. Oh God. Who was it? We, it was actually really funny. So, it was once a kid had gone to bed and I was at my house with my boyfriend and

he was coming over. I said, like, would you rather like go out, we can get a grab a coffee and he was the one that was like, I'd rather just pop in for a cup of tea. But if you off. To be honest, I said to him, we'll work around you. Like, it's going to be the most uncomfortable for him, so I'm happy to do whatever he wants. So he arrived and like walked into the kitchen and the first thing, honestly, like in my head I'm thinking like, it's just, it is just a bit of an awkward situation, isn't it? It's a low one. I think it's funny in my head I was like laughing and it must be quite weird to walk into your old home that you owned Yeah with another man like that is where and he literally looked at me and you were a big fella

My boyfriend was like yeah, I am No, I know she just sat there you go, and then Ivy called me. So, I broke the ice for me, so I was like, bye bye. So I left them, went upstairs and she looked at me, she was like, I know he's here. And I was like, who? She's like, your boyfriend. I was like, he's really not. She's like, yeah, he is. So then I had to go and get their dad to go upstairs, make out that it was him. And yeah, and then do you know what? He ended up staying for like a good 40 minutes.

So we sat around the table, chatted. They asked each other about like work and he was asking him about his kids and how old they are and how long he's been without his ex. It was honestly just like, fine. Yeah, that's what's fine. And then it was quite funny, because when he left, my boyfriend was like,

he's quite nice. I was like, he's funny you aren't, hun. Yeah. He was like, just on the surface, it was fine. It had been very, yeah. I have no idea what my ex will be like. Yeah, which I find crazy because anyone was saying that the way your ex acts is it's like,

he had been wronged. They, I mean. And it just blows my mind. But you know what? I just want to get it done. I understand. So it was, it was nice. It was, it was, wasn't awkward or anything. Like, but yeah, I, do you know what? The kids go back to school today.

You're back to, is this today's first day? I'm a bit sad. I'm really sad. I feel like I got cheated out of like a Christmas. I'm like, I could easily do another week. Yeah. I just love those slow mornings. I was really reluctant.

I was really worried about this morning with Blake going back to school. I was really worried about how he'd sleep last night because he got into bed and he was like, I don't feel well. I had to say. And I know that he gets anxiety in his tummy hurts. I was literally like, you're just a bit nervous. It's so normal, like completely unsighted. You can get like that going back to school with Tita.

Think of your friends you're going to see and he said to. And he was probably the best behaved he has ever been on a school run. Like, you know, my back felt really good today. I felt bad but I'm like waiting for like what's the catch and when are you gonna let it all out because I'm like, you can't wait. But anyway, should we crack on Mr. Viennard who had loads coming in? On, I'm not sure the title of this exactly.

I was cheating on, I was cheating on with his ex-wife. I was cheated on with his ex-wife. So like he cheated on her with his ex-wife. Maybe, we'll see. Probably. Hello, you lovely ladies. I've been following you both in your podcast since episode one.

I have had a rough few years, but finally thought I'd met the one. I'm writing this email absolutely heartbroken hours after reading some messages between my partner and his ex. Background story, I met my partner at work and he had two children and was still technically married. He had separated and was in the divorce process. He still lived at home, which I thought was a bit of a red flag, but he explained why, children's specific details, and showed me messages to reassure me he was separated and getting a divorce, etc. I've always had a gut feeling that something was off, but he never gave me reason to think

that this was the case. This is it. Why do we ignore it? No, do you know what? I am really trying this new thing. Like, like, I was speaking a few weeks ago quite a lot to my boyfriend about this, especially like things like this trigger, like massive trigger. And I'm really trying this thing where I'm just like, it doesn't mean, doesn't mean that. Cool. But the thing is, is like, we hear it time and time again, where you ignore the gut. No, I agree. But there's times I do think there is that fine line with like, is that my gut or is

that me like, your love? Yeah, I agree. I saw something about that. It was like, yeah, is that, I think that's what becomes a really confusing thing to understand about yourself is when you've been through trauma and you're trying to heal from it, it's, am I looking at a red flag or is this just my old trauma coming back? And how do you differentiate between that? Yeah. I saw something and it was like, actually being triggered by those things, you should recognise it as your body's sign of healing and if they're showing you all these other

signs that those aren't, they're not red flags, that's a sign of your healing, don't ignore that and that you should be grateful that that's part of you, that's healing. Do you know what else is interesting? I saw something and it was explaining how like different parts of your body feel different ways depending on whether it's fear, whether it's triggers, whether it's trauma. And like, it was like, if your pain is in your chest, that's fear. If the pain is in your stomach, Right, the anxiety image. Yeah, same. It like suddenly gets tight.

Yeah. That's fear. Yeah. Which makes sense to me. Yeah, just saying that just makes sense. And then it's something like, but if you feel it like, actually feel it in your stomach, that could be like, the gut feeling. Yeah, the gut feeling.

It's interesting. If you feel it in your head, there was literally explanation for like, head pain. I feel like it suffocates me sometimes. Do you know what? Actually, my anxiety's got so much better recently. That's good. Yeah. Especially with the fact that you've had like a really tough crush.

I have, but I think that's also pulled me closer to my boyfriend. Yeah. Because not that I'd ever wish it on someone not to have their kids, but you know when someone's like, I get it, it's like, no, he really, he really gets it. Anyway, I've always had a gut feeling that something was off, but he never gave me a reason to think that the case. He left the house after three months of us dating stating it wasn't fair on me and he wouldn't be able to have a future if he was still living there which I appreciated and was thankful for. I asked him from the very start if anything was still going on

or had gone on since we'd been seeing each other and he reassured me that this wasn't the case and he was just co-parenting. Two years on and we're at the stage of me meeting his children and looking for a house together this year. I'm meeting his ex-wife in the near future to discuss the children which I'm absolutely fine with but I said to my partner that I just needed to know 100% that you were completely over and nothing happened while seeing me. He reassured me again and I tried to ignore my gut feeling. Ladies always trust your gut. I finally had the courage to look at his phone, something I've never had to do before and was dreading it. I typed words like, try again, sex, kiss to see if anything showed

up. Two months into us being exclusive and seeing each other and there it was, evidence that they had been intimate together whilst he was still at the house. Oh my god. I feel absolutely sick writing this and I have no idea what to do. I'm madly in love with him and am meeting his children shortly which I have wanted from the start but this has made me severely lack trust and also if there was something back then with her has this continued every time he picks up the kids. He also told her that he found her really attractive and would always love her. Now they don't communicate much and the divorce is nearly finalised but this has come since she found out he had a new partner and she seems to have distanced herself. He shows me messages about how much he hates him and

will never go back with him so there's nothing to worry about now but the betrayal is killing me. I can't cope with the lies. I asked numerous times for the truth and I'm an understanding person and I've been able to communicate about this but finding out through a text message is just horrendous. Please, please, please can I get some advice? I don't know whether to confront him, whether I wait to meet his ex and see if she mentions it, whether to ignore it because it was two years ago and nothing has happened since. I feel heartbroken that the woman I trusted and wanted to meet his children and have a future with them all has lied to my face over and over again. I understand the divorce process is hard and there will be mixed feelings when it comes

to kids and ending the family and I might have been able to forgive him but to find out this way has broken me. Thanks again girls for all the help and advice. Also if there are any ex-wives or partners listening and you know of a similar situation please tell us. We don't believe you are bitter but we just have the same man telling us lies again and again. I would have appreciated a message from her saying I know you're seeing him but it wasn't completely over and we have been intimate as I feel absolutely disgusting and like I'm the cheat and homewrecker whereas he told me he was divorcing and completely separated from her.

God it's really difficult. I'm trying to think how I would feel having found something out two years on but I feel like at the end of the day like cheating is cheating. I would have said when it happened. I wouldn't be able to get over that because I just think, well, what else have you lied about? Like, the fact you asked him back then, that's my worst nightmare. That's literally my worst nightmare. Yeah. It depends on the kind of person you are. Like, I know for me, I would look back at

it and be like, right, well, you've been dishonest about that. Like, what else do you do? You know, what must be so hard though, is imagine, just hypothetically, that that was the only time he did it, because in those first two months, he wasn't completely sure of her. I'm not saying that that's okay, but I'm just saying just in his head, he wasn't completely sure.

It was really early, Dave. And now imagine that he's absolutely besotted with her. He can't wait to spend the rest of his life with her. He's introducing the kids. Yeah. Yeah. So it almost seems like, oh, you actually throwing away something that has such potential because of a mistake that was made when they were only like a few weeks. Oh, I just always knew that it was like, there's been a significant amount of time

between it. Because I feel like, had she known earlier, you could have made a decision. Like, no, no, but unfortunately, yeah. I just know what I would do. I just, I would personally end it, but that's only because the kind of person I am. And I know in my head, I'd be like, I'd literally send myself crazy.

Being like- I think one thing that would be interesting is confronting the situation. I would think how he reacts. If he goes guns blazing, how dare you go through my phone, blah, blah, blah. I think that highlights the type of person he is and would very much be like, nah, leave. I feel like, I'm not saying that if he turns around, he was like, the only reason I didn't tell you was because honestly,

I'm gonna be honest, it was really early days. I didn't think too much of it. It was the only time. I'm so sorry I disrespected you. What can I do to make you feel better? Do you wanna talk to her and meet her and ask her everything? I'll put, she'll tell you, do you know what I mean?

I don't know whether that would make me think it was a really shit time and maybe their relationship hadn't completely, I don't know whether that would make me think like it was a really shit time and maybe their relationship hadn't completely, I don't know. I don't think I could sit there and say straight up leave. I definitely think that you need to confront the situation, let him know how you feel, let him know how you found out. And I think his reaction and how he goes about it

could be a big factor as to what you should do. Yeah, I agree. I really would like it if you could keep us updated because I wanna know. Okay, that's similar to that too. Amazing. This is quite cute. So it sounds like it's maybe a happy ending.

Okay. A love letter to the pod that helped save my marriage. And stop. Cute, yeah. Ready? Hi ladies. I'm not exaggerating when I say your podcast has been a lifeline for me and I've been here since day one. Honestly I can't even remember how I stumbled across you but somehow you've been part of my journey long before I even knew I'd

need you. It's funny when we hear that isn't it when people have been listening and then they're like I can't believe it all. Yeah yeah. That breaks my heart. Yeah, it breaks my heart. Little did I know you'd become my wise and hilarious companion to the wildest rollercoaster of my life, especially this past year. So firstly, thank you for your honesty, your humor, your advice and for being the voices in my ear when I didn't know how to find my own. Why is this making me want to?

It's so cute! I'm ill and I feel like I'm just going to cry. Wait, give me a chance. Now I want to share something that I hope might inspire others who in the thick of it right now, a happy ending or maybe a new beginning that I truly believe wouldn't have been possible without the lessons I've learnt from you two. That was a bit cute. Oh no, what? Pay off me a two. Oh no, alright.

Here's the backstory. My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 10 with one child. We've always been equals in our relationship and while no couple is perfect, we never had any major issues. But after having our child, things started to change, mostly with me. I lost myself, my self-esteem tanked. I hated my reflection, gained weight, and stopped prioritizing myself entirely.

No matter how much my husband tried to build me back up, I was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing. This naturally took a toll on our marriage. I became paranoid, convinced, without reason that my husband might leave me. I was sabotaging the very thing I wanted to protect. Things came to a head last year and I finally sought therapy. CBT was my first step. It helped, but it wasn't enough to stop the damage. Our marriage hit rock bottom. We became distant, resentful and disconnected. And then my worst fear came true. My husband

decided to leave. He moved out. I was heartbroken, terrified and felt like my world had crumbled. But even in that pain I made a decision. I promised myself I wouldn't let this destroy me. I sought more therapy, started prioritizing my health and rediscovered the parts of myself I'd buried. Little by little I clawed my way back. I worked out, I ate better, I gave myself permission to care about me. Your podcast was my constant. On my hardest days you were my cheerleaders.

I'd shout advice along with you in the car on my way to work, feeling like I was part of the conversation. You reminded me what self-love looks like and for that I'll be forever grateful. And then something amazing happened. My confidence started to return. People noticed the glow up. And for the first time in years I began to see myself as someone worthy of love, not just from others but from myself. Seven months after my husband moved out the unexpected happened and we reconciled. What is this? I can't stop. It wasn't easy but through couples counselling, brutal honesty and a lot of self-work on both sides we found our way back. My husband learnt the importance of validation and that it's

okay for me to need that and I learnt how crucial it is to hold onto yourself in a marriage. Confidence is the sexiest thing a girl can wear. Janelle was right. Now our marriage is stronger than ever. We've rebuilt something that feels unshakable. And I know that's because we were both willing to fight for it, to own our mistakes and to remember why we chose each other in the first place. Not all separations have to end in heartbreak. If you both want it and you both put the work in, you can come through the other side.

So thank you for being my pick-me-up my virtual besties and the voices that kept me going when I wasn't sure I could I still get major FOMO listening to you wish I could sit with you in person but for now I settle for being a listener from the north who owes you more than you'll ever know big love one grateful listener how fucking cute is that? It's nice to hear a positive. Obviously, I think it's quite different if there's been a lot of fidelity or... Yeah, maybe we don't want to highlight, we don't want something like this to allow people to hold onto that hope that you're going to get that happily ever after if you're with

someone that isn't a good guy. Yeah. And not a piece of change. This is different, but it's just, do you know what? I think we, I think we've said it before, when a relationship breaks down, when it is that sort of normal. Mandatory. General, like, you've had kids, you lose that intimacy,

you don't work on each other anymore, you don't prioritize each other, you don't date. And it's those people that don't stray and have affairs or do something that causes a lack of trust or betrayal that absolutely can come back if they want to and they're willing to do the work and take that ownership and do the therapy. And it's so nice to hear it.

I feel like sometimes couples like that almost need to have that step away to be like, what are we doing? Yeah. Like the fact, I think what you said about finding yourself and your self-confidence, I don't want to be sexist, but I think particularly for women when we have had kids and our bodies change and we do lose that confidence and that belief that we're sexy because a man

can just go and find someone who's not had a kid yet who's, do you know what I mean? Like I think there's a lot of pressure on females and I think we often do lose ourselves, not just physically, but I feel like for the most part we are the ones whose life takes the bigger toll of change. Like with... And but do you know what else it is? I think because of that, the man also loses priority. They go down on the pecking order, the children become more of a priority, and then they're not having their ego stroke or feeling like they're worth it.

And that's why a lot of the time, affairs do happen. I'm not sitting here justifying it. I don't think it should happen. It's a weakness that I think that if you're a type of person that doesn't, it's that communication like's a weakness that I think that if you're a type of person that doesn't It's that communication that we've always said isn't it and unfortunately, it's so easy to I could literally narrate an Example of how a marriage falls apart. Yeah, like it's so easy to see when you look back, isn't it? Yeah, but another thing I want to quickly another thing

I want to quickly point out because I have had some people ask us in regards to Patreon I've had people ask us we talk about it, but I've never actually explained how you can join So if you do want that extra fix, I mean, I'm hoping that this person should be on Patreon But if you go on to our Instagram and you click our link and you can then join Patreon there and then you've download the Patreon app There's not only is there an extra episode. Well, you're gonna have how many we got there? and you click our link and you can then join Patreon there and then you've download the Patreon app. There's not only is there an extra episode. Well, you're gonna have, how many have we got over 30?

Yeah, so you'll be able to binge out on over 30 episodes. But not only do you get an extra episode a week, but what we also do is we have a monthly Zoom where we literally, it's literally like chatting like this, but with people that are able to converse with us, ask questions. It is so nice. And then the chats that we've got, we've got loads of different group chats of all different things. One's about advice. It's just really, really nice. If you want

that extra support as well as an extra episode, that £4 a month, go and treat yourself. Okay. Your podcast fell me when I needed it most. Always trust your gut. Hi ladies, first thing I want to say that your podcast found me when I finally started opening up to friends about what my real life was like dealing with my narcissistic ex. My Instagram algorithm quickly started to change. It's interesting isn't it? And there you both were. Hmm.

Sat there talking about the very thing I was going through. Do you think your phone hears you? It does. I've had some weird stuff recently and I'm like that scares me. I don't like it. How have they moved on? How are they having it all when I'm not? How is he with someone else and I'm not? It felt so unfair that I was at home with our planned child that I had three miscarriages before him whilst he got to go out and not parent or care or carry any of the load. You two were guardian angels in that moment. I started catching up with every episode from November 2024, sometimes listening to 10 episodes a day whilst my son slept or I did the dishes,

going about my daily life with you both by my side. Guys, you're making me emotional today. I won't go into detail in my whole relationship with this man-child as discussing him in our relationship still triggers me and angers and upsets me, but I do want to go into one specific story. Moral of the story is to always trust your gut. Long story short, my fiance left. He left me with a three and a half month old which in turn resulted in me being my son's only parent and having the severe postnatal depression after a few weeks alone. I hid any signs of this as he always took president and would claim he had postnatal depression after our son was born. Don't get me wrong, I don't diminish male depression, however I draw the line at men claiming postnatal depression

when nothing they deal with is postnatal. Let's not take away from the melting pot of what women endured post childbirth. Men need to stop diminishing the act of childbirth and the aftermath of that. After a month of him being gone he tried to worm his way back again, which he was always so good at. I stood my ground and in the power of knowing I had to do this on my own from now on as he was not my person and not wanting to be stuck in the toxic cycle he thought was okay. Good for you. That's powerful.

Yeah. After a month of him not prioritising seeing his son, this C-U-N-T couldn't even commit to one hour a week. I had a huge breakdown and I asked him to come into the house so we could chat. He was reluctant saying he was doing well and he didn't want to be brought down again. He came and I was a mess crying saying I need to help with my son as doing it alone with post-natal depression was something I couldn't manage as well as being our son's only parent. He was very cold. I couldn't understand why seeing the mother

of his child in distress wasn't enough for him to step up and help with the child he helped create. I remember saying, is there no love there to even just help when I'm crying out for some help with our son, and his mother and this motherfucker truly sat there and I'll never forget the words that came out of his mouth next. I don't look at you like I want to fuck you anymore, no? This absolute cretin of an idiot thought I was saying, don't you love me anymore instead of listening to my words of I need help, I'm really struggling doing this on my own. In the midst of my post-natal depression, I took this comment off with a confused look

and sidestepped it stating that isn't what I was getting at. He rated, sorry, I'm really really... I need help with our son, but alas, just gave me more ambition to handle this struggle on my own. It was so damn hard, but getting through that and going to therapy made me so in tune to his bullshit and slowly I'm finding my way back to the woman I was

before he broke me. It's so relevant when you suddenly become like a nun to their bullshit or you can suddenly see like, oh no you're gaslighting me, I can see it now. Yeah, that is powerful. I remember coming out of my marriage and I think like so many not realizing, I didn't even know what the word gaslight meant whilst I was married. And after I came out, I was like,

oh my God. It really is, though. It is, isn't it? It is, yeah. I know people say it's a metaphor, but it actually happens. No, it does. And you know what?

I mean, I know this isn't Patreon, so I need to be slightly careful, but the other day, I had a conversation with my ex. And I could just see so clearly the whole conversation was a lie. And I was just laughing and sort of going with it a bit because I thought it was funny. I didn't bother pulling him up on it because he then lied. But it was just like, oh, no, like, is that how obvious it was? But I didn't access it, it's wild. No one ever warned you about being a single mom

to a newborn. Instead of bouncing ideas off your partner and having two minds on how to deal with the dilemma, you're alone crying and Googling if your son needs to go to hospital, and you're on your own. Zero financial support and avoiding CMS payments. Every single night feed,

not being able to even shower or shit in peace, to have 10 minutes of solace before gaining up the courage for another feed. Every hard night, it takes two hours to rock your baby to sleep, or having someone to take over when you're tapped out or touched out doesn't exist. But each event is pushing you to be the most attuned

mother you could ever imagine being. I mean, I fucking like salute any person that's had to be a single mum from their newborn yades. Because neither of us can relate to that. But just a hats off, honestly. And this is the story I want a full circle moment to. When your real family I had to deal with here in the news, he's moved on and I was over him and his shit behavior, but he's still hurt. Three months later and he's found a new victim to sprout his lies to and make out like he's dad of the year.

I thought she was gonna say sprout his sperm to, probably. He'd introduced his eight year old, who was my stepson and this woman wasn't even his girlfriend. I knew my then six-month-old was next. After failing to commit to seeing his son for an hour at my place once a week, all of a sudden he wanted to have him overnight, overnight to take my breastfeeding baby away from me to an unsafe environment where he doesn't know when he wasn't even looking after his eight year old and leaving him and my family to go out and see this new woman yet couldn't commit to consistently seeing

his newborn for once a week. Safe to say I shut the idea down or so I thought. One evening I knew when my child's father was being more vile than usual, name calling, demanding he has his son, name calling, demanding he has his son, breaking boundaries, etc. It's because he had a new woman he needed to love bomb and impress and show that I was their crazy ex-baby mother. Something he'd done to me with his eight-year-old mother. Oh, you started to see patterns.

I could tell something was up because he was fighting hard to see my son, which never happened, but refused to see him either with my supervision and it clicked so quickly. She's obviously around there and he wants to introduce my son to his new person. I stood my ground and didn't allow my son out of my sight. This is because of drug use, drinking, instability and major car crashes due to his reckless and dangerous driving. Three months of proven inconsistency and not providing a stable environment for my son,

going out, being more important, and zero interest in being a father. Good for you. It was later confirmed that my intuition was entirely correct. She was there and he was trying to introduce my six monthmonth-old to a girl who wasn't even his girlfriend yet. He was trying to show I was stopping

him from seeing his son and looked like the amazing dad he always lied to me that he was. I sit there imagining if I let my baby boy out of my sight, a random stranger being able to kiss him on the mouth or even hold him, it makes me shiver in disgust. Even now that my son is nearly eight months, he's still not seen him since the 13th of November. Look at that heart rate. It's weird. Since then this lady, who might I add, I was worried for by getting involved with him, has thankfully kicked his ass to the curb. She had a problem with how he parented or should I say the lack of. She has a little boy so right through the bullshit.

Thank the Lord. Yes, he has a little boy. I'm with you. Thank the Lord for women with children who won't put up with the deadbeat dads and see through their bullshit. This is a skill that before I had my son I wasn't aware of. He fooled me and I really learnt the hard way by choosing him as the father of my child. It's a new guilt I still can't seem to come to terms with. Oh please don't carry that guilt. Like it wasn't a choice that you made. Like you were blindsided and like that wasn't, you didn't do that willingly or knowingly. That's not a guilt that you should ever carry.

What I've gained is a great relationship with his ex, which he fucking hates as he can't class off each other anymore, which in turn our sons will get to see each other whenever they want to. That's so nice. Which when left up to my ex was never arranged and his oldest really suffered not seeing his brother. This woman brought me formula in a storm as I couldn't get to the shop. She's lovely and not at all like the lies that he told me about her. Ladies, please always trust

your gut. If something about a situation is telling you hell no, listen to that instinct. It could save your child so much destruction at the hands of a parent who doesn't have their child's best interests at heart, just their own selfishness. I wish I could detail the ins and outs of this toxic twat, but there isn't enough time in the world that I want to dwell on this piece of shit." Over two years with him was long enough. I just hope no woman touches him with a barge pole and sees his bullshit a mile off. Oh, and one final thing, not contributing to our son's life and leaving it all up to the mother is financial abuse. The CMS system isn't great at getting fast action support, but I recommend persevering.

The way this is going, my ex will be going to court to retrieve arrears he owes me and his ex. And to any women doing this on your own, keep going, you are magic. Karma always finds her way in the end. I mean, do you know what? I feel really empowered by your attitude. You have had a really, really tough time. And how lovely that you formed a relationship with the mother of your son's brother. I think that's really, really nice. It's a little happy ending to a shit show. I think as well. Sometimes we need to remove the narrative of, I really hope

women see him before he gets in. It's not your problem to worry about. I feel like, let other people make the mistake. Let him carry on doing what he's doing. If he doesn't want to become a better person, that's not on you anymore. You've done all the right things. Your son is incredibly lucky to have you. I think sometimes we can obsess over what the other person's doing and like how dare they look happy or move on or you know it can often look like they've got it all now like why was I not enough but focus on yourself it's the biggest piece of advice I would give to anyone like also they're never as happy as they are Like to betray they are. Yeah, and I also think, do you know what?

I actually had this thought the other day that I still obviously don't know. Why would I ever know? I wonder what my ex tells people like why why we aren't together what he tells his girlfriend I feel like a lot of our single moms who have had to leave a man because of their behavior we will be painted out to be the villain in their family, but they're the clown in ours and Just gonna let them get on with it. I'll stop now. I hope it really bothers me Like you know actually, I'm maybe I should say this in a patient. I'm gonna say the patient right guys Let's do an affirmation of the week Do you know what I think it is I think it's really I'm gonna save it for a patient. Right guys, let's do an affirmation of the week.

Do you know what I think it is? I think it's really not carrying guilt about something that you had no control over. That was not a role. You were not aware of any bad intent. And yeah, and it wasn't your fault. Like let go of the guilt for things that someone else should be feeling guilty for and yeah. Hey there.

All words positive. I'll see you next week. Love you guys. Bye.