Not As We Planned - 72. He Cheated On Me With My Midwife

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

We dive into the daily mundane life with young kids and how that can impact your relationship with your partner negatively, but how it can be improved. When you take him back time and time again, and you want our advice if he deserves one more chance?? And finding out your partner cheated on you with your midwife! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Hey guys, hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We wanna point out we are not qualified professionals,

although I feel like I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, how come back? Hope you've all had a lovely week. Unfortunately, you're still in a bit poorly, aren't you? Finally bit the bullet and called the doctors. I felt like I was getting worse again. Honestly, I had to like mildly needed antibiotics.

Yeah, well a few people had messaged me on Instagram and they were like, Kylie, that only thing that has got me better, I had to go to the doctor and get antibiotic. And they think I have a sinus infection. So I'm hoping. I like hit a wall yesterday and I was like, I hope she's not gonna tell. I'm telling selling this affection, so I'm hoping... I like hit a wall yesterday and I was like, I hope she's not gonna tell me.

I'm telling you now. Thanks, babe. So you all feel like a different person tomorrow. I really hope so. Like that and- Like a whole 24 hours on the AT-Bio. I was saying, I was saying to my boyfriend, I can't remember the last time I felt well.

I can't wait to not feel like rubbish. We both feel like, he's quite appalling at the moment as well. You've probably given it to him. I did give it to him. I know I did. So she doesn't give you anything. But do you know what? I feel like it's that it makes you then appreciate once you suddenly wake up and you're like, oh my God, I'm just well. I know. Because I've been wanting to get up and like, you know what it's like at the start of a new year, like do all this stuff. And then like I got to the point where I was like, Collie, you just need to rest and you

need to listen to your mom. You need like, you just need, you literally need to rest. Last night I got into bed at seven o'clock straight after I put the kids in bed. I went to Netflix. I could have physically worked like my head, anyone who's had like a sinus headache, like it's honestly unbearable. anyone who's had like a sinus headache, it's honestly unbearable. And I was like, just do it.

But I struggled doing nothing. So I was sat there thinking, I should be doing this, I should be doing this. But yeah, fingers crossed. Next time you hear me, hopefully I'll be- Right as rain. I'm less slightly nes- It's giving like Chucky from the Ratt-Moratt.

Yes it is. I'm less nasally than I was the other day, I think less slightly nasally than it's giving like Chucky from The Rotten Rats. Yes it is. I'm less nasally than I was the other day I think, slightly. They gave me like the doctors gave me a really strong nasal thing. It was all like good. Did you try the Pseudo-Pretisphalitis? I uh, didn't do it. It actually made me burp. Oh really? Yes. Because I felt like my nose was clearing and then I was like, like yesterday I was trying to film content and I was like, I literally sounded like someone was pinching my nose. Really?

I couldn't, yeah, and yeah, it was really... You know that episode in Friends when Phoebe's got a cold, she's like, smearing you? You're just smearing. And then her cold is going, and she's like licking everyone's tissue. Like, honestly, it's like a hello sex headline, but yours isn't giving like sexy vibes or sexy, I just upset you off. If anyone ever sees me, it's like you're cutting my nose. sex headline, but yours isn't giving like sexy vibes or sexy. I just upset you off. If anyone ever sees me, it's like, you're okay. I'm like, no. I'm trying to be really

positive because I'm like, new year, like, but I've just, I feel shit. And then, you know, like the whole new year, like at the end of the day, like it is just a new day. It is. It's a different day. I'm hoping like, I do like to start fresh on a Monday, so I'm hoping by like, next week. What day? We'll be flying on Monday. I'm like to start fresh on a Monday so I'm hoping by like this way. You'll be fine on Monday. I'm like I'm starting that's where I'm starting like my new year. I swear the last two or three years I've always been ill like the first week of January. So maybe just always start your new year like the end. Delay it.

Yeah. Over it. Do you know what we were going to touch on slightly? If you've listened to the episode that's out well the episode that's out today to us, we touched on how we could almost narrate a storyline of how a relationship or marriage can break down after you've had kids. I just wanted to touch on it a bit more, maybe for anyone that is right at the earliest ages of having a baby or they're pregnant, not to scare you at all, just because I feel like us both having gone through two or three children, pregnancies

and then separation, divorce and all of that, I feel like it's very much easier now to look back and reflect on not necessarily whether what we would have changed would have changed the outcome because I don't think it necessarily would have. But I've definitely reflected a lot in the last few years about maybe what I could have done differently just for my peace of mind or what he should have done differently. And the communication is so key at that vital point of when you have a baby because Communication is so key at that vital point of when you have a baby because Have you ever had has anyone ever had this conversation with their partner? They walk in you've been with your baby all day

They walk in from work and they act tired and they're like, oh, I've had a really long day And straight away you go in with the if you're tired imagine how I feel I bet you've had a hot coffee I bet you've gone to the toilet on your own and then you list all these things are the, if you're tired, imagine how I feel. I bet you've had a hot coffee, I bet you've gone to the toilet on your own, and then you list all these things of the things that you're so wanting to be able to do that you can't. And then I feel like it's just that downward spiral of that like tit for tat resentment, like one up on the other, like you can't be tired,

I'm more tired, rather than that like teamwork. Do you know what I mean? I do, I completely agree with all of that. I think one thing that I've really reflected on, and I'm not just saying it from like his side, probably on my end too, is I don't feel like we had the skills to communicate that in a way that wasn't-

Argumentative. Yeah, that wasn't argumentative. I also feel like, like, when we had Milo, we were living at my parents, we were waiting for our house to go through and I think we had quite a lot of other stresses. Yeah. And I don't think either of us were able to communicate, not what we needed, but I feel like there was just a lot of conflict and resentment in the air that put a strain on everything. And so, you know, when he was going off to train, I was like, I'm literally on my own. Yeah, like, I've literally been at home and at the time, because with my kids, Theo was

two and a half and a half milo, so I was very much two kids on my own juggling it. And that was really hard, but having two kids, different ages, who had completely different needs, Theo was also very delayed in speech. So he wasn't able to articulate anything. And I really struggled and I held my hands up. I did have a lot of resentment because I didn't feel like his life changed. I feel like if I knew what I knew now, I feel

like I'd be able to articulate that better rather than go in on the attack. I feel like I'd be able to have that conversation better. Obviously you don't know what the other part like that takes both of you having that kind of mindset. And my biggest advice would be to try and get that communication right. And do you know what is easier said than done because in the moment when you are sleep deprived, you know, your needs aren't being met in terms of you're always lost on the pecking order. Like I was trying to work as well as raise two kids on my own. Like, it is hard to get it right and I think we need to almost not feel guilty for not being able to always articulate it well. I think it's also normalising that kind of like struggle period between a couple. Like,

dynamics completely change. Like, not only are, as mums, we suddenly like put ourselves last, which is inevitable. Like I couldn't sit here now and say to a new mum, like, make sure you think of yourself as well. Like it doesn't happen. But I think that the thing that then the men also struggle with is they go down in the pecking order. And as you like have another child and another child, all they're doing is going further down in the pecking order and as you like have another child and another child all they're doing is going further down on the page. Do you know what would have really helped me is

if that was articulated? I feel this way because I don't feel like we ever had those conversations and only you know in when my relationship came to an end did that air. I feel like then I could have I feel like it's so important that both of you communicate how you feel because I didn't know that's how he felt. And obviously I would have tried to do what I could have done on my end. And that's a communication thing. Yeah. And I also think that when you are so wrapped up in that newborn bubble, it is hard to sort of like pause and be like, right,

what's going on here? Like it is unrealistic to have that kind of like capacity to have those sort of conversations. I saw this thing once, I don't know if, I reckon you'll disagree, okay? I feel like we might be on different pages here. But it said that you should prioritize your partner over your children because for your children's sake as well. Because if you do not prioritize your partner and your relationship breaks down, eventually you're going to only spend 50% of the time with your children. And it's like, I saw this man was on like a podcast. This bit I don't maybe agree with as much, but he would come in from work

and he'd always go and kiss his wife first. And the kids would have to wait and he'd be like, I'm going, no, he wouldn't specifically say like, hold on guys, I'm going to mommy first. But he would always show them like his wife and his partner is his priority. And if anything, it almost gave them that like boundary of understanding like relationships as well.

I don't know, I'm sort of like maybe slightly torn with that bit. I would never like reject a child if they came and like hugged me first and be like, no, hold on. I'm gonna hug your mom. Yeah. But there is something that I do agree with about making sure that like your partner is a priority

and then you both work together to protect your children. Yeah, I agree with that, but I feel like it's really common that... I don't mean like your baby's crying and your husband's just come in and ignore the baby or anything. No, but I feel like it's really important that that's received on both ends and I think that is the biggest, like for me, I'll hold my hands up. Like as soon as I had kids they were my number one priority. I'd never felt anything like it in my life and I think, I think, I wonder whether that's where, but I don't think that's something you can necessarily control. Like even if someone told me you should prioritize your partner, I think the love

you feel for a child and obviously some people are naturally more maternal and more like I look back at how I was in the first few years of having children. I was that parent that was utterly obsessed with my child. Nothing anyone would have said about prioritizing my ex-husband would I couldn't help how I felt. I had this real protective instinct. They were my world. They gave me a sense of why I'm here. All I've ever wanted in my life was to be a mum. But I also didn't necessarily feel like I was a priority. I felt like, you know, working out was a priority for him. And I don't think it's just children. I think there's lots of other things that people prioritize. There's some people who prioritize work. There's some people who prioritize their social interests.

So I thought that's almost like a man's escape of like, I'm not getting the attention anymore, so I'm going to now go and like find my place at the gym. I think people have different needs. I think some people don't require that. Like there's some people who like that quality time and you like that, you know, physical touch and stuff like that and like like that attention, and then if that's taken away, I agree, they might go and seek that elsewhere. But then I think there's other people who maybe just enjoy doing things for themselves more. I think everyone is so different.

I don't think we can necessarily generalize it. I agree. I believe you should be pouring into your partner as much, but I also think that needs to be reciprocated both ways. I think it's really hard when you're trying to give to someone and you're not getting it back. Do you know what I was thinking about? Because obviously, we both said in our current situations

where we stand with the people that we're dating, you've got kids, he's got kids, same as me, don't want anymore. And there is that aspect of knowing that if you were to have kids with he's got kids, same as me, don't want any more. And there is that aspect of like knowing that if you were to have kids with them, dynamics change, you know how difficult it is, you won't have that one-on-one time all the time. Do you ever sit there and think that like, if you did want and have kids with him, that like, that you, it would be so different with the knowledge that you have now? I think because I feel that way,

it's almost like I wanna like project that knowledge onto people that are at that early stage. Yeah, in a way, great. So it doesn't. Because I feel like there are ways to avoid that like, you know, what I was saying is, when you build up that resentment and then things kind of go downhill

and then you're not having sex in the bedroom, quite rightly, the woman's feeling not herself, she doesn't feel confident, resentment and then things kind of go downhill and then you're not having sex in the bedroom. Quite rightly, the woman's feeling not herself, she doesn't feel confident, her body's completely changed. The man is probably thinking like, oh, she doesn't love me anymore, why doesn't she want me? She cringes when I touch her, not getting any action. They're at work, they get their ego stroked or they get a slight bit of attention and they're like, oh, that's what I miss. Oh, it's fine. I'm only just going to a slight bit of attention, they're like, oh, that's what I miss. Like, oh, it's fine. Like, I'm only just gonna receive a bit of like

a few flirty words here and there. And then before you know it, he's having a full blown fucking affair. You're at home when you're on own dealing with the kids. And I'm not saying for a second that that women are to blame for the menstruating. Absolutely not. Because I feel like that's them being weak

rather than communicating their needs. And it isn't only men that's weak. No, I understand. Sorry, I shouldn't really say that. I think it's generally, yeah. But I don't know, I just feel like there are sometimes situations where it can be avoided if you genuinely have that, not necessarily knowledge. I'm not saying that people need to like, well actually people do need to learn to communicate. Unfortunately, you spend all your years being a mistake, honestly. And don't you think, I'm not saying that there should be a lesson about relationships and how to deal with...

I think there should be a curriculum that incorporates relationships and how to communicate properly. I absolutely think that that is such a vital skill to learn by relationships and friendships and workplaces. You know, like when you obviously have like antenatal and you're like go on a course. And for me, like antenatal classes were just such a fucking waste. Like you pretty much learn about the birth

and then no one really teaches you about why. Once you have a baby, I feel like there should be fucking workshops for like the emotion you feel. Keep them married in other words. Yeah, like, like, honestly, like I really don't like, I just feel like there's such a lack of people talking. Also, you won't have a friend probably turn around to you and be like, or men more so I think they don't really talk to their friends about this sort of stuff. It's always that surface level football, yeah just you that girl, but like

oh mate like my wife like doesn't ever want to have sex. They don't talk about it so I feel like it's almost like this hidden secret of like oh you make out your marriage is really good, you're happy and you're happy about it. I never spoke about anything like that to anyone, not even my friends. It's also embarrassing. When we spoke about it with my friends, they were like, promise me if anything ever like that happens again, please speak to us. I was like, no way, I would. I just think that, I don't know, I think that we always hear from people thanking us for

you saved, well, like week, like you saved my marriage and it sort of just opened my eyes to like, I almost wish that like more men would listen because there are things that you really can pick up and learn and be like, do you know what? Like for example, if you're lacking like that romance in the bedroom and I think men a lot of the time are just like fucking hell,, I'm really horny.

And so there, I feel like as a man, and correct me men, if you're listening, and I'm wrong, but I think their mentality would be like, oh, I'm gonna try on her later. And they're like, I'm tired, leave me alone. Literally the thought of it makes your skin crawl. But I think what a lot of men don't understand is like, sex doesn't really start in the bedroom. It starts with that like handheld cuddle little

pinch of the bum in the kitchen. I remember we spoke about it in like one of our first episodes. Like, like we really need that physical touch throughout the day to feel the need. The dirtiness is feeling desired. It's... Was that a......vacation? Yeah. I don't know, it's just, I really almost feel this like urge to educate men to understand what women go through after birth. And also to a certain extent, women to also still validate how their men feel. They still have, you know, it's still valid that they can be tired, they can still have a hard day at work and

it's kind of working as a team. I got sent something the other day, I think I saved it, hang on, two people sent me it and it was like something like, I will not gaslight my own feelings to feel like the way I feel isn't like I'm justified to feel sad or my emotions even though someone might have it harder and I think that like I'm tired but my husband's also allowed to be tired as well. I think it's like validating your feelings as well and also validating their feelings like not. Like in validating how they feel it's going to cause resentment and then it is just that

like snowball effect. I almost just wanted a touch on it because as I listened to last week's episode I thought there's so much more we can talk about with it and I hope that maybe what we said just helps at least one person be like, you know, well I actually had a go at my husband today saying that like, I'm more tired but like that doesn't mean that he isn't tired. It's almost like, I'm sure you've had a really hard day. Do you know what I have too? Like come and give me a cuddle and then like let's help each other. Yeah, do you know what I agree?

Let's both have an early night and like team, like working as a team. And it is about that partnership and remembering like why you chose that person to have kids with. Like, look, don't get me wrong. Some of them end up proving that you shouldn't have had kids with them. And that's for another story. But yeah, I just wanted to touch on that. And if you

guys have ever thought of a topic that you wrote, I mean, we're always going to read our emails and like give advice and everything, but I don't know, I sometimes think that right at the beginning of the podcast, we used to have episodes solely bearing one topic, which to a certain extent, like you eventually run out of topics and we want to obviously hear from you. But if there's ever any topics that come into your head, I should make a little group on Patreon where people can put in. Yeah, because sometimes I think like we always give like our advice or our point of view about something, but sometimes there's just so much more to delve into something. But yeah, anyway, crack on with some emails,

we've got loads in, so exciting times. Also guys, if you haven't already seen, we have been nominated and we are finalists for best podcast for the live on there. So we need you to vote now. Can we just express how massive this is for us? Yeah. This is, we've only been doing the podcast-

Not even two years? Not even two years. We've been nominated. We are up against some big dogs who've been in the game for a while. Like some really big people. This means so much to us. And if just everyone who listens could just take two minutes to go and vote, the link, we've put it on our link tree

on our podcast page. Honestly, it would mean so much to us. And one thing I need to explain, because I've had a lot of people saying that they couldn't, it wouldn't work, which is really frustrating me, because if that were me, I'd give up. But if you click on Submit at the bottom,

then scroll all the way up to the top. And then you know that like cap, what is it called? That cap tar, cap tar, whatever it is, where it's like click on the traffic lights and then you're like, is this a traffic light? You do that for two seconds and then it's submit. So yeah, every vote would mean the world. And it's also, it's things like this that allow us to grow, get bigger, and then we could do things that will be more beneficial for the people that listen every week. So yeah, thank you. That is a reminder. Please go and vote. Let's email. Okay, cracking straight on. He left me for a girl at work.

He's standard. Yeah. Hey, girls, finding your Instapage was the best thing out of 2024 for me. I've took so much from it and will be forever grateful. My story is quite shit, as is most I guess, so here goes. In 2011 I met this guy on Tumblr and as stupid as it sounds, I feel like it's some kind of social media site. I feel like it's a bit like MySpace. Wow, I haven't heard that in a while. I know, it was 2011, so I feel like that's very bad. That's the speed as it goes, isn't it?

Oh my God. Yeah, early 25s shit, mum. Yeah, it's wild, isn't it? Yeah. I was thinking, when I went into the doctors yesterday, there was like a sign and it was like, they still got like the signs of please wear a face mask. And I was like, it was nearly five ago it was it was five years ago how mad and then I was like five years

that is mental where's the list of all those bloody signs on like it's just mad I was like what five years crazy anyway I fell for him online we spoke all day every day for years and I mean years I lived in the Isle of Man, he lived in Cabridgeshire. We finally met in person in January 2017. Oh my god, that is six years later. When I moved in with my sister in Yorkshire and he drove up to see me. We hit it off just as we have done online for all of those years. Six months later I moved in with him and his parents and I was madly in love. Things were pretty decent to be fair. We got on, we had fun, et cetera.

June 2018, he came out with the news. He cheated on me with two girls before I moved down there. I thought, okay, whatever, let's move past it. April 2019, the following year, we found out I was 27 weeks pregnant, which was completely unplanned and caught us both off guard, but he... Can you imagine finding out you're 27 weeks pregnant? No.

How do you go that long without knowing? I mean... I sometimes get the fear that will happen to me. You're too small not to notice. That's what I'm hoping. You're not going to... Why is it my fear? I get so scared. Every time I get my period, I'm like, yes. No, I'm not gonna lie. When I put on a bit of weight, I'm like, at least if I'm pregnant, there's a reason.

Sort of joking at the same time. Yeah, anyway, no, I don't know how you'd... It's very extenders, wasn't it? Sonia, who's the one that gave birth on the toilet, had no idea I mean I'm talking like 20 years I'm not I'm not I'm not so person um no I thought I thought I thought that would be a massive shock to your system and you'd be like what you've only got like 13 yeah yeah anyway whoo but he is our favorite surprise as time went on he'd done more and more unfaithful things messaging my best friend for nudes.

Oh sorry, sorry, sorry, I knew you actually had not. Sorry, I used thick as shit. Replying to my friends Insta stories telling them they're hot. Messaging girls he knows all that stuff and I stupidly stayed each time as I loved him. Fast forward to December 2022 I fell pregnant with our second, again unplanned. We worked through the worries etc but it wasn't plain sailing. He didn't come to a single scan appointment, didn't buy a thing for the baby. I was in hospital for 33 weeks of preeclampsia and he was just no support at all. Baby boy came along June 2023 and was in NICU really poorly.

He came to see him for about 30 minutes a day and then went home to game. Oh, and went home to game. I didn't make sense from here. I was like, what do you mean to go? Like literally to gaming? Yeah, I get it. Like PlayStation. I also found out he was using Tinder during all of this. Stupid me. Stated. Oh my god. So now fast forward to October 2024. I'm grieving the loss of my dad six months prior and I find out he has been chatting to a girlfriend

work for about two weeks. I found out on my dad's birthday, as I went on his phone as my gut was telling me to. First time I had ever done it, suddenly the constant golf, the late night driving range trips, the visits to his parents, all made sense. My heart shattered into a million pieces, I've never felt pain like it before. It is now January, he has been with this girl for a month and we are getting on brilliantly but I can't help but feel I'm still holding on to hope. When he comes to see the children we are cuddling, we are chatting, we are eating together, we may have even slept together a good few times. Oops. He is being an amazing dad, he is being a better boyfriend now, he isn't my boyfriend. My question to you girls

is, should we consider trying again? we never had any time apart or breaks or anything like that over the eight years and I wonder whether that's what we needed sorry this was long and hope to hear your advice on the podcast. No no no no no no no sorry absolutely not he's only being a best out boyfriend because he gets to do what the fuck he wants babe. Like he hasn't changed, he hasn't improved, he's not going to be good to you. He's sleeping with both of you at the same time. He is now doing to her what he did to you. That should be enough for you to realise he's never going to change. Are you willing to share him? It's not just like a one time thing.

He's done it numerous times to you. These are only the occasions you've found out about as well. I'm sorry to like try, I'm not trying to put bad thoughts in your head, but like you said like it's the first time you've gone down his phone. Like imagine if you'd gone down there a year ago or what? Like, no, no, this man is unfaithful like he's not gonna change his sort of child. That really shocked me I thought she was gonna be like I'm really upset but your podcast has helped me get through it no

listen to us now we don't I think very often literally point-blank be like no but we are yeah we absolutely are like this is an absolute, all that will happen is the same pattern will repeat. Because he knows he can get away with it. There's no remorse, there's no, I mean you didn't actually mention like how the breakup happened. Like I'm assuming he ended it with you if you're already questioning whether you should like give him another chance because it doesn't sound like you would have ever let him leave. Absolutely not a chance in hell.

All you're doing is wasting your energy, your time when you could be, I think you need to start doing the work and working on yourself and finding that self worth and realizing that he doesn't deserve another second of your time. No. No. time? No. No.

No. No. No. Please keep us updated and take our advice. Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life.

You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Play, please. The Motherkind podcast explores how to feel happier, more confident and empowered in your motherhood, even in our world of pressure, judgement and comparison. I'm your host Zoe Blaski and every week I speak to an incredible expert to share actionable steps and powerful lessons to living your life as a mother with

more joy and unapologetic confidence. Listen, wherever you get your podcasts, just search Motherkind. Are you editing? This is a title that is just not okay. Go on then. Slept with my nurse from my midwife team. Huh? Like- Oh wait, Hayden. Yes! Shut up. No, what is wrong with people? But she's perp but there is hope. Read this.

Okay, are you ready? Hi girls. I just want to first apologize for war and peace, but I promise there is a good reason. You girls have saved my sanity and life on many occasions. My relationship breakdown started during COVID when my little girl was 12 months. I found you girls are my god in my world

where I felt so alone. You made me feel so heard. Organize an event up North, please. We're listening. We're listening. Take a note. Watch this, bye. Watch this, bye.

In the words of Craig David, rewind 2020. R-E-Y. With a crowd, so a fancy balsa later. I've been with my ex a year and a half since I was pregnant. Not when we had planned. Well, I mean, nothing welcome. Planned. But we were both of the mindset

that it was going to happen anyway. And he had two other kids who I love and adored. I say love and adore because they are my little girl siblings and will be in her life forever. I'm six months pregnant during COVID, living in the North away from all my family and friends and my instinct was telling me something was wrong. Even though we're in lockdown, he would stay out. I mean, illegal, or work late or be very silent when went home and never show his phone. Honestly, just, I'm born in the wrong fucking era. What love left.

Same, with white stamp and all that. And the spritz of aftershave. Do they have that in their daughters? Do they have some kind of scent? His Samsung watch lit up when he was in the shower and it showed a girl's name. No. Oh, you know that like, a sudden like, yeah, in your, I know that one. I see it in your stomach. I felt sick but never said anything. A few more weeks went by and I did all the appointments, antenatal, baby prepping myself during a time where I could only rely on him anyway and he just seemed so

distant. The name flashes up again except this time she is saved as a man's name. I lose it eight months pregnant and as he gaslights me tells me I forced him to have this baby that I trapped him and that he found someone who he had listened to him and also put our timeline on Reddit. What's Reddit? It's like a site where people give opinions on things. Oh dear. So he put our timeline on Reddit and the Reddit readers also confirmed that I had tracked him. I mean what the actual fuck. When I met him, I was a single girl with my own flat, great job and no baggage. I took him on, so who was

the one trapped? Anyway, I hid this all from my family as I was embarrassed. I mean, we can relate. And as we do when pregnant, we believe all will be fine. I just wanted to make sure I was calm for the baby as I knew something was up. I begged my midwife to give me an induction date to at least get my mum down from further up north but she couldn't and I felt so hopeless. The day I went into hospital my ex disappeared, completely gone. He reappeared once the hospital phoned him to say I was in full labour. He arrived fuming that I was only one centimeter dilated and how long was he supposed to wait? Naughty cervix.

I am. He left the room for a further two hours and left a midwife with me. She then went to find him and came back embarrassed and mortified. I would later find out that the reason she found my ex... Oh my god! Oh my god!

Read it! I would later find out that the reason was that she found my ex snogging one of the nurses in a corridor. Next, snogging one of the nurses in a corridor. What? Also at that corner. I was like, what was you doing? You can't say anything. She's in labour. Fuck me. I was rushed to an emergency C-section and my little one was born. I would like to say I had a newborn bubble but I knew my relationship was dying and

I was about to be a first-time single mum. The first four days I hoovered, did everything, I tidied up to try and do everything I could to keep my ex and show him how amazing I could be. But it was no use. After a week he gave me a list of 15 things wrong with me. And as he left told me to stop being dramatic as it wasn't like I just recovered from cancer. Where do we find these people? Who brings these people up? And so my single mum life began, no family, in Covid. About six months later, my instinct playing up, I did some detective work and remember that part

of the midwife team there was a nurse, very attentive, who had the same name that came up on my ex's phone. Lo and behold, I found her on Facebook with photos of them together on weekends away. In house flat and on holidays, once the Covid ban lifted. At this time, he is not being a dad. He is a babysitter and I confronted him.

He confirms that he's been seeing my nurse as she listened. He then admitted that he had been around Amelia when he had her for hours at a time, whilst so young. Oh, is that her name? I better know, she'd been around the baby. The nurse must have been around the baby when she was so young.

So, right, that's the baby's name. Must be. I was livid, but I kept my cool. Most moms would think I'm mad, but all I could think about was my daughter. Up until about a year ago, she wouldn't speak to me, get out of the car, or even look at me when daddy daycare did his few hours. So a year ago I snapped and went out to the car and asked her to

get out. Dramas! I said she could have my ex and live with the things she did but she would get out the car and acknowledge the mother of the child she looked after. From then we messaged, she sends pictures, she asked if she could help we message, she sends pictures, she asks if she can help me and actually she's better at communicating and helping compared to my ex. I hope she sticks around and he doesn't screw her up because at least I know she loves her and wants the best for my little one as much as me. Would you really rate people that feel and think that way? I think maybe I've been seen dealing with, that would be nice, wouldn't it?

I knew I'd done the right thing because as my little one started preschool, she proudly told the teacher she had two homes and mum and dad were friends and that daddy's friend plays with her when mummy is not around. My little girl also told me she loves my ex's girlfriend and as much as it sometimes stings,

I know she only sees healthy relationships. I'm still single after one failed relationship since because I thought the bare minimum was better than nothing. But I want ladies to know who in similar places, the sting lasts but gets less painful. Loving yourself more is healthier for your child than accepting the shit. And no one can replace you as a mom

and don't be fooled, and don't fool yourself. They are having all these wonderful moments. The men are still the same. So all we can do is hope the new one is nice to our children and respects them as their mothers and wait for the universe to send us the good karma. Like what a lovely attitude to have. Like you could sit there and like hate

and be filled with so much resentment and anger. But do you know what? Holding onto that anger, and I realized that for a while after my separation, it doesn't allow you to move forward and it doesn't allow you to start doing the while. I think it takes a lot of energy to be angry. Yeah.

It's actually quite interesting. I've had a thought this last week about reaching out to my ex and asking if they'd be interested in me meeting her again and having a fresh start. Like clearing the air a bit. Do you know what? I just want, I just think a healthier relationship where there's no atmosphere, like at the end of the day. Do you ever wonder what she actually even knew?

Do you ever think that maybe she didn't have all the correct information? I don't know, do you know what? I don't think about it because I think I just don't care anymore. Though the way I look at it is, for the meantime she's around my children a fair bit and I would like, I feel like as much as like we don't ever see them, I still wonder whether the kids can sense something. I would just rather know that I've done everything I can to fix that. I don't hold any feelings towards

my ex anymore. I don't even feel like I hate him anymore. I just feel indifferent. Yeah, I feel indifferent, but I also feel really passionate about just making sure we do the best by our kids. And I feel like, I don't know if it's this new 2025 Carly, but I want to be responsible for protecting my energy and just, my grandma's always said to me, always be the lady. And I just, I don't know, I feel like it's my olive branch and you know. I mean, look, I don't think that you can all you can get is either a yes or a no and if it's a no. I know I've tried yeah and I just think it would be positive for everyone involved like we're gonna be in each other's lives and I just think it's I feel like it's taken a lot for me to reach the place where I'm happy his happy and

everyone's moved on and I'd like the same respect back the other way kind of things. No I get that. I mean thank you for emailing that in. I cannot believe like wow the show was like honestly like what a story but like, honestly, like what a story, but like good for you, like you just sound like such a, like you lovely, positive, like good person. And if you want to find someone, you absolutely will. It sounds like you've really like... But like with stuff like that,

you can either let it dictate you and who you are and what you become, or you take control of it and you learn from it, turn it around, use it to drive you forward. Yeah, I think that's what she's done. It's really empowering, thank you, yeah. Okay, broken, confused, and what the fuck. Hi ladies, firstly, thank you so much for your podcast. It's been a saving grace over the past four months. Well, here we go, I was with my husband for just over 20 years and married 10, two girls

aged 13 and 8, I'm 37 and he is 40. Back at the end of summer he turned around and told me that he didn't love me anymore. Felt we were more like friends and had not felt the same for over a year. I was totally blindsided as I didn't have a clue that he was feeling like this or suspected anything was wrong. I was literally broken. I also found out I was going through the perimenopause and had an operation a few days before he left. He took his wedding ring off after just one week of separation and this killed me. How could he? Did I mean nothing to him? Didn't want some support or try and work on it. Just done. The year prior to him leaving he changed jobs as he was in the same job for 17 years and

it was taking its toll on his mental and physical health and I thought this would help him. He seemed happier in himself and not so down in the dumps. This was a huge pay cut and I subsidised this as I'd just finished my teaching qualifications so got some more money. I did this alongside working full time, I did the teaching qualification in the evenings. Since, he has said he is depressed and got some counselling sessions, but said he didn't need them anymore, moved back in with his parents, still working his new job, having our children every other weekend and even told me a week after leaving I could start to claim single persons benefits. It's like he knew this and researched it. He was meant to come on holiday with our children as it was already booked but two weeks before

he said he wasn't coming as being around me gives him anxiety. Again, broken. And so are our children. I did it alone and I'm so proud of myself for it. Good for you. How can you do that to your kids? No. The way he is is like he's trying to feel avoided he thought he was missing, going out during the week with friends that are single and somewhat younger. He told me after a few months that he had been on a date and I just know there is more to this. He has become cagey and wanted to change plans over Christmas from what was originally decided.

Wouldn't answer FaceTime to my daughter and this caused a massive row between them. Secretive. Made passing comments that you should, you would always finish a relationship before starting another when discussing a friends affair. I'm trying to build myself back up, my confidence is at an all time low and I am a shell of myself. Grateful for any suggestions, support or advice. God that's really really. I mean, the fact that you've been with him for 20 years, it's no surprise that you're feeling a shell of yourself. Like what you've known for like

probably the life that you can remember has been with him. But I feel like it sounds almost like he's like having like a midlife crisis slash I don't want to put Words in anyone's mouth or make any suggestions, but to leave so swiftly and seem so okay I can't imagine he's done that without someone else I Think it is just really Trying to do that work like we've always said that but sit in those feelings like it's raw like it's it's it's gonna be a tough time and I think

also having your kids allows you to sort of like not put a smile on because sometimes I feel like you do need to like wallow sit in it but eventually like get back up and get on with life but But, you know, when your kids are with him, start trying to find some things that are maybe things that you haven't ever had a chance to do for yourself. Find you again, like rediscover who you are as a person on your own without him. Unfortunately, there's not much we can say

that's gonna make you feel better. I think you've got to do things that are gonna make you realize how can you love someone that would do that to you? How could you love someone who you gave 20 years to and can just up and leave? That just shows a complete lack of respect and it's time to start loving yourself and pouring into yourself and realizing that you deserve more than that actually and actually maybe this is an opportunity for you to spend the rest of your life being happy. I know you said like you were blindsided, you couldn't see it coming but I really want you to look back and really see whether you didn't see

it coming or whether you just chose not to see it coming. I wonder if, because I know both of us, definitely in my situation that I remember saying and feeling to an extent that I was blindsided, but actually when I started doing the work and looking back, I wasn't. It was all there. I think I was just numb to it or ignorant to it or didn't necessarily want to acknowledge it. And I think a lot of us go through that. I remember like being shocked and I was shocked, but I think really do the reflection.

I think that that really helped me because I think you do put your relationship on a pedestal and you do think you're blissfully happy, but actually when you look back, you might see it differently kind of as time goes on. I feel like I did that with my relationship with my ex-boyfriend as well. Yeah.

I think when you're in it, you almost want to convince yourself that what you've got is amazing. Don't get me wrong, I've sometimes caught myself in my own tracks with the relationship I'm in now to like, be more mindful to not do what I did then. And then it's like, why are you trying to convince yourself that it's not good? Like, do you know what I mean? It's like then that fine line. But yeah, I would say exactly what Carly said, like that reflection I think is insightful.

But yeah, thank you for emailing in. I would say exactly what Carly said, like that reflection I think is insightful. But yeah, thank you for emailing in. Should we finish with a little affirmation of the week? How about either something as simple as like, always make sure you love yourself more than you love anyone else, because I feel like in that way, you won't accept bullshit. Like if you really do like care enough about yourself, you won't take people back.

You won't want to go back to people that have disrespected you. And I think that is the true relationship that we all need to work on in order to have a good relationship with someone else. Yeah. Thank you guys. Love you. Remember go and vote. Glowmummers. Go and Google it. Vote for us. Love you. Bye.