Not As We Planned - 74. He Was Messaging Other Girls On OnlyFans

Episode Date: January 30, 2025

We talk about managing your kids emotions and feelings after a break up, having to watch an affair unfold in front of your eyes and catching your partner on ONLY FANS! Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Calling all sellers, Salesforce is hiring account executives to join us on the cutting edge of technology. Here, innovation isn't a buzzword. It's a way of life. You'll be solving customer challenges faster with agents, winning with purpose, and showing the world what AI was meant to be. Let's create the agent-first future together. Head to salesforce.com slash careers to learn more. Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story

where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys! Welcome back to another episode. Hope everyone is doing well.

Sorry, what are those big things? What is that? Sorry, is that a pigeon? A duck with a hat. Oh cool. I saw him at Scott Milo and he spent his voucher on it. A duck with a hat. Have you seen those funny... Oh, you're not really on TikTok much, Oh cool. I sat here and it's got Milo on it's bento's voucher on. Duck with her. Have you seen those funny,

oh you're not really on TikTok much, where I've seen this trend where two people are in TK Maxx. Oh yeah. One person with the staff. I love that. And looking for a elephant riding a bike with that. It really is. Yeah, my mum has done that.

It's giving TK Maxx. Yeah it is. Well, that's the one. Yeah, anyway guys, we had, no we don't need to him. It is. Well, yeah. Anyway, guys, we had... No, we don't need to explain it on her. We don't need to explain it on her. But that's the whole problem, isn't it, that people don't like? No, I thought like we should just...

I say, I say... No, but what I really wanted to touch on very quickly is we had a negative review on Apple and we are all for constructive criticism, like no one's perfect. Throughout the message, Justin put it on Apple and we are all for constructive criticism, like no one's perfect. I thought you messaged us and put it on Apple. Yeah, but like basically she was saying that she feels like since we've had Patreon, we've pretty much just used these episodes to advertise Patreon.

And what I think that we both really wanna express is, and I think people understand the work that goes behind a podcast and the money that goes behind a podcast. We spent over a year putting our hands in our pockets to produce, to edit, to deliver a podcast. A whole day. A whole day's work, childcare,

when the kids weren't in nursery. And I just think that we're really passionate about this and that's never ever going to go anywhere. That is why we do what we do. We love helping others. It's been therapy for us. But I think for people to be quite nasty about the fact that it's all about the money now, it's absolutely not. But name me one person that would continuously, for years on end, keep putting money into something and not mind. Like eventually we had to monetise our podcast. Also two single months as well, like literally.

Yeah, it's like, do you want to go to work and not get paid? Just doing it for the money of the person? Just go to work, do your job, be with the person. So look, we understand that some people might get frustrated when we decide to talk about something on Patreon, but we do also actually charge a lot less than a lot of other podcasts as well. And also I just think at the end of the day, like we are here to not only share our advice and want to build this community, but we are also here to do a job and we just don't want it to ever take away that authentic raw feeling that I don't think it ever has. We don't sit here and say really sorry guys

we're no longer going to do free episodes if you want us now you've got to pay like that will never ever happen but there also does need to be bonuses and benefits for the people that pay. It's one pound a week, you know, and it sort of is what it is. And if you feel angry about that, I'm sorry that you feel that way, but we're not gonna stop doing what we're doing

because it's allowing us to put on events. We have really, really big plans for 2025 and without Patreon, we wouldn't be able to do that. So yeah, thought I'd quickly touch on that. But go and leave a positive review and if you could leave a five so we can up that average back up. Anyway, update. I know that you're struggling with the sleep. Yeah, and just January. January blues. I have, yeah, I've got the January blues.

I've had a few health concerns, I feel like I've been back and forth to doctors a hundred times, I've got personal stuff going on, like regardless of that. I've got financial stresses, I've got bone throat, you know, he just gets a lot, and then on top of that, Milo's sleep's just been nutty. I moved him from a,, like, you know, he just gets a lot and then on top of that, like, Milo's sleep's just been nutty. Like, I moved him from a... Has it been since he's moved to a bed?

Yeah. And I said to him, I'm tempted to put the sides back up. But it's like this new thing, like, my duvet's gone wrong. So... Did he have a duvet in his room? Yeah, it's exactly the same. It's really annoying. Why are you being annoying? When I say it, it was literally like six times in a night? Yeah, it's exactly the same. It's really annoying. Why are you being annoying? When I say it, it was literally like six times in a night and like, I'm the kind of person, I struggle to sleep anyway.

And I struggle to get back to sleep whilst I'm awake and it was just killing me. Anyway, I've used the weighted blanket for the last two or three nights and it's definitely getting better. Like last night I was one wake up from him, but then Theo woke up and said, mommy, I can't sleep. So he came in with me and then I'm getting kicked in the head. And you know, he just like, I'm just, I'm exhausted. I'm over at, can we have 2026 now? Nearly there. Well, I did a little hard launch on my Insta, which was nice. And do you know what I think like you know what I didn't

you regret? Yeah he's had quite a lot. Do you know what I feel like you always expect the trolls to like come in on you and actually everyone's been really nice I feel like the trolls usually just go on to another platform which I'm not gonna advertise but yeah like people have been really lovely and yeah, so that was nice. And then I had the biggest drama yesterday with a neighbour, which I actually shared on my stories and like everyone's been lapping it up. I feel like people just love a bit of drama. So basically this is what happened. So where I live, I don't actually have a drive and more often than

not I'm really lucky to be able to park right outside my house. It's almost like that kind of like neighborhood etiquette, they're like don't park outside someone's house, fine. But recently, because I'm trying to get my steps in, in the day when I don't have the kids I've started parking in my car park space. I've got two car park spaces like around the side of the house. So when you drive into me, if you take a ride, there's space in there. So my neighbor's got two spaces, I've got two spaces and then another house. I only have one neighbor so this is a house somewhere else in the development, has two spaces. But I've always noticed that not my neighbor that lives next to me,

but this other space always parks, like their wheels are in my space. So they literally like the bay, the line is like in the middle of their car. So they're, yeah, so they're always in my space. So I've left a note on their car like quite a few times. I've taken photos of it and put it on our Facebook groups. I'm on a development and they always do it,

but I don't know where they live. So the other day when I wanted to park there, I had to end up parking way over into like, well I had to park in my second space because they were literally in my space. I thought, I'm sick of this. I'm putting a note on their car again. I put a note on their car and I literally just said, please can you make sure that you use the lines and stay in your bay because you're in my space. So anyway, when I went back to my car a few hours later, the note was back on my car and they had moved. But when I say they moved, their wheels were like, just by the line to a point that if I parked in the space next to them, I wouldn't be able to actually use my door. So I parked there,

but just to make a point because they park into the space so they have to use their, like my side. So I parked there and used the passenger and just sit door just out of pure like, it's my space. Don't fuck me off. Okay. Anyway, next day they're in my space again. So I'm like, fuck this. I'm going to go and sign them. So I'm asked who has the time. them. So I asked, who has the time? So it's fucking principal. Like they have two faces. Like why are you using mine? Like you have to, right? Yeah. That's weird. It's so unnecessary. I got it on the first knock. The first door I knocked on it was his car. So I'd spoken to my neighbour about it and she was like, I'm pretty sure it's one of those houses there. So I just went to the first one because it was the house nearest

to the car park. I am the house, I'm not that person. I knocked on the door, this man opened and I was like, hi, by any chance, you're Aldi, the one parked around the side? He was like, yeah. I was like, I'm just a bit confused because you're in my space again. I left a note on your car yesterday. He was like, oh, well, it's never been a problem before. And I was like, but I left a note on your car and you're back in my space and you have two spaces. He was like, oh, well, it's not actually your space, is it? And I was like, sorry, what? He's like, it's not actually your space. Like no one ever

uses it. Our landlord has told us that that's free for anyone. I was like, no, it's very much my space. He's like, no, it's not. I was like, would you like the deegs to my house? Would you like the blueprints? Would you like me to show you that the two spaces are mine? And he was like, not really, no. And I was like, I don't need to like be having an argument with you about whose space it is. You have two spaces. I have two spaces. You use yours and I use mine and that needs to be the end of it. And he really sarcastically was like, okay, thank you.

So I was like, you're welcome. And I left. Anyway. Did you say that like that? Yeah, because he did it. Oh, good. I was like, ugh. Anyway, minding my own business, eating my lunch at home,

there's a knock on my door. I'm like, who's that? Anyway, open minding my own business, eating my lunch at home, there's a knock on my door. I'm like, who's that? Anyway, open the door and there's this just a woman standing there and I'm like, hi. She's like, hi. And so like you were like just like rude to my husband. And in my head I'm thinking like, it could like you here to save his save the day for him like is he crying? And I was like, right, I wasn't actually rude.

He was quite rude to me. And then I was rude back. She's like, look, we don't have to be children about this. I just wanted to talk to you about the space. I was like, right. She was like, we've been here for a year and there's never been a problem. And I was like, well, actually, I have taken multiple photos of your car. I'm assuming you're not on the Facebook group, but you keep parking in my space. She's like, I don't really see the problem why we can't just park slightly over in your space. And I was like, what?

She's like, if you've got another space, I was like, but so do you. And I was like, and what happens when I have someone come over? And she was like, they can then park into the other space of it as in my neighbors. I was like, but they use their spaces. And she's like, no, they don't. No one uses those spaces. Our landlords told us that they're not actually in our spaces. And my neighbor has three, three cars and two spaces. And I was like, why are you telling me to get my friend or whoever is over to park in their space so you can use mine? You have two spaces.

Like everyone is like, and so in the end, I did get a bit angry and I was like, I'm really sorry. Like, I don't need to be having a conversation with you to justify why I should use my own space. What happens when my boyfriend comes over and he, and we can't fit in the spaces and everyone's parked at the front and I've got nowhere. She was like look I'm really happy you have a boyfriend now and yeah she said now that made me feel like she follows me which

was really really weird and I was like honestly this is getting ridiculous I don't have time for this and she started being a really really rude so in the end I just shut the door on her. I was like I'm really sorry I don't need this. You use your spaces and I use mine. Goodbye. And I shut the door and they still haven't moved their car and their house in my space. So it's gonna be your life now. No I'm gonna contact their landlord. At the end of the day. It's not like they're telling them misinformation. It's irrelevant. I have told you not to park in my spaces. Even if they had one space and two cars, that's not my problem. Do you know what? I can charge you and you can use my space if you really want it. But I don't understand how they have the audacity to stand at my doorstep telling me that I should let them park in my space. What?

That makes sense. The whole episode isn't going to be about parking space. Anyway, that was my drama. To be continued, because when they go home, we're going to walk past their door. Right, I think we need an email. Walk past their door to just find the number house and get their landlord details. Okay. So watch this space guys. And if she's following, hi. Sorted sexting scandal. I do. And if she's following, hi. Sorted sexting scandal. I do. Hi ladies, first of all, a huge thank you

for literally being a huge lifeline to myself and so many others going through some of the worst times of my life. I relate to you both so much in your listener stories. And to just know I'm not alone has given me so much strength. Everyone says this, but apologize, but apologies for how long this is. My love life has been somewhat of a

train wreck. December 2021, just after Christmas, after six months or more deciding coming to terms with the fact that my marriage was over and after one final Christmas as a family, I walked away from what was a loveless, abusive, toxic relationship that I'd been in for the best part of 20 years. Wow, good for you. Totally related to grieving a relationship while still being in it the best part of 20 years. Well, good for you. Totally relate to grieving a relationship while still being in it. After years of emotional abuse calling me horrendous names, cheating, even whilst I was seven months pregnant with our second child which he pushed to have when I wasn't

ready, I was the shell of myself and lost. I too felt like a single parent within my marriage and that mix with my eldest daughter having autism and the high possibility of my son having ADHD has been a huge battle and I'm not ashamed to say I struggle at times. I'm still in therapy for domestic abuse and do hypnotherapy too. Four months later and much quicker than planned I met someone, someone who I thought was amazing. We had so much fun together and he gave me so much of the love, support and attention I'd been lacking in my marriage and the chemistry and sex was incredible. Little did I know, this was probably love bombing and mirroring.

A few months in, mirroring, I don't know, you should have a look. I don't think I've ever had that terminology. Mirroring, I mean I guess it's maybe like they just do what you do. Matching someone's behavior, whether it's their voice, their words or their nonverbal cues. A few months in and I had been sent messages from his ex saying he was incredibly abusive and a cheating narcissist, followed by messages whilst we had been together of him being inappropriate and flirting with other women.

I confronted him and he said his ex was crazy. They always are, aren't they? Who made them crazy? And did this with everyone he dated. Huge red flag, I now know. He apologised about the messages but said at the time he had felt that I was going off him and he was stupid to seek validation from elsewhere and that he should have spoken to me instead of doing something so stupid.

You know, that's such a gentle gaslight. That you don't even realize. Yeah, like, I thought that you were going off me, so I went and seek validation elsewhere, like trying to justify that behavior, but putting it on you, but only so, so small. I don't think you actually realize it in that moment, because then you start wiggling like, oh shit, maybe I, yeah.

Yeah. Hate that. I forgave him eventually with him being fully aware that this was unacceptable and I wouldn't tolerate anything like it again. For a while, things seemed great. He got rid of any women I was uncomfortable with on social media and we built the trust back up. He eventually went on to meet my kids later on down the line and they clicked and I was so happy to

finally have that family unit I'd always wanted with such a helpful, supportive man. Also, I thought. Two and a half years into our relationship I was having a bad time with my ex-husband trying to force a sale of a jointly owned home. In mediation for this and going through a diagnosis of ME, chronic fatigue syndrome, most likely caused from ongoing abuse I suffered in my marriage. I'd been understandably struggling with my health, I was starting to experience really bad anxiety, I was blaming having an anxious attachment style on why I was always so wary of what my boyfriend was up to, especially as he went away a lot to do photography for

drifting events all over the UK and Europe. Can't explain it, but on one average Wednesday evening after just having had sex I had this gut feeling when he was in the toilet and checked his phone. To my disgust I found loads of messages from a random girl he didn't even know from the night before and to say they were explicit is an understatement. The images and videos they exchanged will always be etched in my mind. The conversation started by him complimenting her and saying he was going to be single soon because he wasn't happy in our relationship, none of which he had shared with me. She appeared to be newly single. He came in from the bathroom and I confronted him and he said he hadn't been happy, but

he was sorry it was a mistake. He was sorry and it was a mistake. I kicked him out and after going back a few times and having sex, which yes I know was a huge mistake, I realized I deserved so much more and didn't want to get stuck in another awful relationship after my marriage and I decided enough was enough. I'm now almost four months out of the situation and it's still quite up and down. I'm journaling loads, writing and reading and trying to give myself the love I deserve although I miss having a family unit and I'm terrified of not finding someone new and repeating

old patterns of another toxic relationship and now I'm getting there slowly. My main concern is how bad, particularly my youngest boy, is struggling with not having my boyfriend around. I'd hoped by now that they had all forgotten, but he was such a big part of their life too, which was his choice as he wanted to be really involved with them, which I obviously let up at the time. My son asks about him all the time and says regularly that he's sad because he still wants to see him. Being only five I've just had to tell him that he will understand when he's older and that it didn't work out with us. Sometimes it's like he blames me for no longer being able to see him so I told him that my ex-boyfriend really

hurt mummy's feelings so we can't be together but he just says he's apologised so can't he come back. I struggle so much with my children hurting over this and I find it so hard because I brought this guy into their life and he is left. Not only me, but my children heartbroken and for a mom that hurts so much more than any pain he caused me. I'm not sure how else to handle

when he brings his name up in conversation, so any advice on this would be helpful. Thank you and sorry for the novel. Please keep me in. One thing I would quickly say, you know how you said that you were a bit worried that like, you know, that you may not find someone but then if you do, you don't want that like repeat that toxic relationship. It really sounds like you're doing the work at the moment. And I feel like as long as you like really do the work in the right way, and then you start dating and trying to meet

someone for the right reasons. Don't ever do it because you're desperate for that family unit because that's when you end up like settling or sort of like missing those red flags. Your standards are slightly lower like- Rose-tinted look. Yeah. I know we've always said like you don't have to be a hundred percent healed in order to start dating. But I think one of the mistakes that I probably, I don't wanna say mistake, because that's harsh, but something that I did looking back when I dated my ex-boyfriend was I was very,

very unhappy on my own. And once he met my children, I did see him as this sort of like saving grace that he would- With the kids. Yeah, that like he would be able to be with me when I had the kids. Cause I had extreme anxiety when I was on my own

with my children, like almost used him to, as a comfort. And then when he wasn't able to be there or he wasn't supportive enough, it really put a strain on our relationship. But looking back, I put way too much pressure on him fixing my situation. And it is giving that a bit. I think you're like really wanting that family unit,

which is so valid. But I think as long as you really make sure that when you start dating, it's not to feel that void of a man missing in your life, do you know what I mean? I feel like as well, it sounds like your marriage was pretty horrendous and it sounds like you've probably still got a lot of trauma and I understand the kind of like accepting it's over whilst you're in it because I certainly had that. And I know you said you struggle with the kids and I think it's a really important

time to actually pour into your kids and spend more time with them and try and get... because I remember when I was on my own for the first time and I remember suddenly feeling like, well, there's all these things I can't do anymore. And so very, very early on, like within month one or two, I started doing the things that I thought were going to hold me back. So days out, because you don't do those things that much on your own when you're in a marriage. Oh, I did. But no, you tend not to.

Yeah. Then it was a night away. then it was a weekend away, then I took them on holiday, and all the things that I felt like I was reliant on someone else for, I did. And now I feel like, like, me being on my own with my kids and doesn't scare me, and I think that's actually quite a powerful place to get to like I Just feel like as well. I

Feel like Kids are your only constant they're the only relationship that you can guarantee on that you're gonna have forever that you can guarantee on that you're gonna have forever. And I mean, like no other person in the world, they might say they're forever, whatever, you might marry them. And I'm sorry to like, I'm not trying to put it down, but I feel like your relationship with your kids is something you have forever.

Do you know what I mean? And I feel like if you're not quite ready to allow someone into that, maybe work on that and work on strengthening that and make sure you're enjoying that part of it because I know that really helps me like with everything with my divorce and I feel yeah I agree with that and I also feel like I can see so clearly now looking back what different place I'm in now with me on my own with my kids to what I was like in that previous. That's my time with my kids on my own.

And I know not everyone gets that. And I'm not trying to say, oh, I'm doing the best job or anything like that. But I think. Miller Lite, the light beer brewed for people who love the taste of beer and the perfect pairing for your game time. When Miller Lite set out to brew a light beer, they had to choose great taste or 90 calories per can. They chose both because they knew the best part of beer is the beer.

Your game time tastes like Miller time. Learn more at MillerLite.ca. Must be legal drinking age. I think I got so uncomfortable with being, like, I put myself in really uncomfortable positions so early on because I was like, nah, this isn't changing my life. And I will always continue to do that. What she said about her son constantly asking, to be honest, I did have that and I found it unbelievably difficult. Rightly or wrongly, I did tell them

that my ex moved to Australia. Yeah, just because I didn't want them thinking that they were the reason why that he left and I didn't want to start talking about we broke up. No, it wasn't. It wasn't right. They weren't of an age where I feel like they understood it, especially Rome. He was very attached to it. I used an example. They used to have a friend that they saw a lot and they were obsessed with him.

They saw him loads and then it stopped because he moved. I was like, you know how Henry moved? Unfortunately now he's moved and so we're not going to be able to really see him anymore. And sometimes they'd mention him and be like, Oh, can we see blah, blah? And I was like, remember he's in Australia. And eventually like it sort of died down. I have actually been honest with them now more so when they had brought him up. I have said he's not actually in Australia anymore, but... Do you still talk about him? Sometimes. Blake and Ivy sometimes bring up these kids that they met in Marbella on a

holiday in 2023. You know when kids just... So I now know there's no like emotion. It's me just like, when can we see blah, blah I'm like remember like mummy and him broke up but because I feel like Blake and Ivy understand it more now and I don't want to lie to them so I said like he does live here now but he does still live quite a bit away. I saw this really interesting reel, I saved it. I'm not condoning lying to your kids but sometimes I feel like for the sake of your feelings, their feelings, I just didn't want them to ever feel like it was on them. So I saw this reel and it is basically like this lady saying, if your kids see you sad

and they ask you why and we make up a story and things like that, the children don't necessarily understand and that is what later on in adult life when they're not able to express things properly because they've not had emotions explained. It's like what we've said at the start, like people going through marriages breaking down or relationships breaking down and so to the kids or not even what to say to the kids, like being able to cry around them. It's not them seeing you sad that is going to damage them. It's kids need a story to go with things. They want to know why you're feeling sad. So, you know, you don't have to get to the ins and outs of a heartbreak. Like, obviously, it's all age relevant, isn't it? But it could

be, you know, mummies feeling sad because, I don't know, I can't remember the ins and outs of it, but I think rather than saying, oh, mommy's not sad, and when they can see an emotion in front of them is more detrimental to a child's emotional development than saying, I am feeling sad, it feels like pride. And I think I was always told to reassure them that they are not the reason,

because I think kids are quite selfish in the way that they think that they are like responsible for a lot of stuff. So I remember I did absolutely cry in front of them when I had my break up, when I had my divorce, I've cried in front of them loads, but it would be like, mommy's feeling really sad, I need you to know that this isn't

about you and actually me being with you is making Mommy feel better. So can I have a cuddle? And it's doing that. And I guess like, maybe the fact that your son does know that you've broken up and he's not going to be around. I would validate his feelings and be like, I can really understand why you're sad. I've been sad too, but let's try and make each other happy and let's think of something that we can do today that will cheer us up. Sort of go down that route.

But yeah, I hope that's helpful. And it sounds like you're doing really well. You're doing all of the right things. And I think focus on yourself. And when you do start dating, do it for the right reasons. This is called, grab yourself a wine or a cuppa. You're going to need it. Grab your wine honey. Okay hi Tosh and Carly. First off I just want to say a massive thank you for what you guys are

doing. Keep smashing it you both are truly amazing. I feel like certain episodes have really hit home at the right time for me. My friend recommended your podcast as she thought it might help me navigate my recent breakup and divorce. I've been flying through your episodes ever since I'm nearly up to date, so I wanted to share my story, albeit the shortened version. My world came tumbling down mid-September 2024. My husband and I had been having a rocky time of late, but put it down to our busy work life,

two young children and running our own business while both having full-time jobs. Even so much that at the beginning of August, I'd asked him if he was happy as I wasn't. We had taken a three-day break, which he came back from saying how much he wanted our marriage to work and how much he loved me. In the three-day break we had, we had discussions about what we felt our marriage was lacking and how we were going to work around these. Surprisingly, not for him, it was the lack of sex we were having. Over the next six weeks, I basically offered myself on a plate at any given opportunity,

but just felt something wasn't right. I questioned him, was there someone else, in particular an ex who had recently started coming back to the gym we both worked at and I gymned at. Would also like to state this ex-son goes to our school with our daughter who he also kept bumping into while out with the children. He kept saying there wasn't anything and then at the end of August the day after our wedding anniversary I visited my mum with the children and on my return the following day I just knew something wasn't right. The bed was how I left it. He never made the bed. Oh, so he didn't stay there. No, so he obviously usually makes the bed.

I just knew something wasn't right. The bed was how I left it. He never made the bed. So obviously he usually makes the bed. I don't know. In the middle of the night, he received an email asking him to rate his stay from the evening before. The evening I was away, I waked him immediately asking

what the hell was going on and who he had gone with and he said no one, that he needed space as we hadn't been great. I said the bed wasn't slept in. The bed wasn't slept in. Oh that makes me feel unwell. Also she's away, why is he going to a hotel? I guess, I mean, is that respectful that he's not been done in that bed? I chose to believe him thinking there would be no way he would cheat on me. Over the next two weeks I kept pushing down the gut feeling that something wasn't right. I asked him many times about said ex. I asked him many times about said ex as she would

be in the gym on her phone and she would put it down and he would pick it up etc. How she's always where he was when he had the kids without me he just kept telling me that I was being paranoid. I haven't had that one before. Even so right up to an hour before he told me he was having an affair the words out of his mouth were, you have to stop accusing me. It's not fair on me. You're making yourself ill. You have to believe me. What? Cool. When he finally admitted it, it turned out that they had slept together before I had told him I was unhappy at the beginning of August, that he had

taken her away for the night after our seven year wedding anniversary, which he had booked the day before our wedding anniversary, slept with her in the back of our camper van in the gym car and more sickening that he had arranged to meet up with her and our children and her children. I don't understand these people neither. I basically feel like he's gone out with the old and in with the new.

Within weeks he was telling people she was his girlfriend and she continued to go to the gym at the same time that I would be there. She shows no shame or remorse for what she's done. She's even helping him out with what was our family business. If I saw that person at the gym, I'd just come and feel it. I'm the kind of person I'd just stop going to that gym, but why should you? I don't know, I'd literally go up to her and probably beat the shit out of her. And then go to prison. That would be Tash's life done.

I don't think he has ever said sorry without me prompting him and I feel that he isn't. I relate. I think a lot of people don't think he has ever said sorry without me prompting him and I feel that he isn't, I relate. Like, I think a lot of people don't actually get an apology. Or if they do, it's fake. Or if they do it, they're sorry they got caught not sorry for what they did. Or they feel like they've been pushed so far to say it but they don't actually mean it. Yeah. I mean, if you have to be told to say it, then you don't mean it. On the night I found out he told me he was in love with her. I know deep down that our marriage would not

have seen the year out, but really wish he had the respect to walk away before doing the ultimate betrayal. I know he wasn't the man I deserved, as he was basically never there for me, always working late, but I feel like he has ruined my future relationships going forward because how will I ever trust someone again? Fast forward six weeks after finding out I went on what would have been our family holiday but with my mum in tow. I made loads of friends and so did the kids. This has really empowered me that I could have done it by myself. So much so that I booked my first solar holiday with the kids for May 25. During the holidays I also met someone who for the next six May 25. During the holidays I also met someone

who for the next six weeks distracted me from the hell I was going through. I knew deep down that there were plenty of red flags but I couldn't see a future with him but the sex was insane. However I called time on it just before Christmas as I knew he was stopping me from healing and becoming the best version of myself. I think it takes balls to do that. Like, going into situationships is quite dangerous when you're vulnerable and I think it takes balls to do that. Like going into situationships is quite dangerous when you're vulnerable. And I think you've definitely done the right thing by ending that because I don't think you can heal while having a fuck buddy in my eyes.

I just couldn't have a fuck buddy. I've never experienced. I just, I'm so old school with shit. No, I understand. But then again, I've grown enough. You know, I did date someone for a few months that I knew I didn't have a future with, but I think I needed that after being in a 17 year relationship.

Do you know what I mean? Anyway, I'm now in the process of buying my own house, joined a new gym, husband has brought me out of our family business, taking the first steps to get some therapy and planning a new future for me and the kids. I'm looking forward to what the new year is going to bring. Keep up the amazing work ladies, I don't know what I would have done without this podcast." Do you know what? It sounds like you're doing really, really fucking well. You've also been really dignified. The fact that you have seen the woman that has had the affair

with your husband and you just haven't done anything, like good for you. Like you've been a lot in prison. Well done. You've been a lady. You're, I think, how lovely that you've booked a holiday on your own. Like really you're embracing it. And I think, do you know what you said that you didn't think that your marriage would last but you wish that he would have kind of like exited respectfully and you felt like it's going to damage your trust. Don't let his mistakes ruin what you could potentially have with someone else. Once you've really done the work you will understand that there are men out there that can be trusted and he shouldn't ruin that for you.

Yeah, 100%. Thank you for emailing in. Okay, this one's called Broken. Hi, Sushun Carly. Sorry for the long email. Please edit as needed. I'm halfway through the podcast. I did send you a brief email a few weeks ago, but I feel like I need to properly vent and get your advice. Your podcast has helped me so much in the last few weeks.

I think you're both amazing and have shown it's okay to be vulnerable and hot. Okay, I was married for seven years and I left eight months ago. I don't have proof that my ex-husband physically cheated, although my gut tells me he definitely did in the early days when he was working away. We were married in the November and I suffered a miscarriage in the January. I was broken. It took a long time to come back to myself. We both had a child each from previous relationships so I had to get on. He went away for work and there were times I didn't hear from him for days at a time. When I showed my upset he fell out with me. Forward to the

April I discovered he had been messaging a woman he had previously dated, given her all the affirmations that I craved and got very little of. They were planning to meet up, but he denied it happened. He broke me, but I forgave it and stayed. I feel so stupid now. The years rolled on, walking on eggshells constantly, affection and intimacy being withheld as he knew I'm a very affectionate person and needed intimacy. I felt like I was punished for times I didn't agree with him. Flash forward to the second child, our first together, he was two and my gut was at me again. I said, what is that gut feeling?

I checked his phone and discovered he was on OnlyFans, messaging multiple women and being very sexual with them. Yet all I heard was that my drive isn't the same as yours. I forgave him again, feeling more stupid now. So he was on there watching and messaging, not actually like... If you still don't understand what, not what men do, I guess there's different levels of what people do on there. But yeah, I think people like pay to, is it like cam girls? Yeah, so I think it's like web camming, but because I watch the like Olivia Outwood thing.

So I think also some people do have like, not relationships with people, but I think the more they pay, the more like one-on-one like messaging you get and stuff and one-on-one webcam rather than like group. Do these men not just realise they're doing it for money though? But like, I think they don't, I think sort of men that are on that aren't looking for relationships then look it probably is a lot of them are like married men that like

just are getting their fix. Okay fast forward to our second child, he was three weeks old and that gut feeling came again. Oh my god. Snapchat xxx, Facebook, what's Snapchat? I don't know. Facebook messages with women and Telegram app hidden with hundreds of messages. Telegram. It's um.

I know. I've only ever used that with Workstar. But it is an app that people use for like. Oh, Waze Niffle. So yeah, I know someone who caught their partner like cheating through Telegram because it's not, I guess it's a different messaging that you wouldn't look for. Right. We're not advertising how to cheat guys by the way, please don't use telegram.

I am broken again and only three weeks postpartum. Oh my god. I asked him to leave but took him back. This was in October and by April I decided I'd had enough after six weeks of no communication living in the same house. So in his words, I have obliterated everything. I feel stupid for all I put up with. I parented a line for all the years we were together. There are certain people who say he hasn't physically cheated. So what is cheating for you? How do I move on?

We'll come back to this in a second. I had to move out from the home we rented as he refused. He does have them every second week, but refuses to do anything extra or help. No maintenance and refuses the same. Thank you. Keep at it. I love you. Bye." Can I just say on what is cheating? Cheating is anything that breaks trust in my opinion. I just always believe you should treat someone how you want to be treated

and if you don't think it's okay that your woman is messaging sexually a man, then that's cheating and that's not okay for you to be doing the same thing. Yeah, I don't think it has to be physical in order to be classed as cheating. Oh, I agree. And at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what other people's opinions are. They're like, well, he didn't physically cheat. Okay, cool.

Well, if you're okay with your husband messaging other people and watching them fuck themselves on the camera, then you do you. But do you know what? Like you are so better off without someone like that. And I know when you're caught up in it and you constantly forgive and forgive and then you look back and you're like, I was so stupid, I stayed. There is no point dwelling on what you put up with and what you stuck with. It's now just sort of like facing forward and making sure that you don't do that again. You don't

take him back if he comes crawling back, and you really put those boundaries in place to do what you can in regards to co-parenting and do the work on yourself to really up that self-worth and make sure something like that isn't accepted again. Yeah. And it must be really hard like hearing that out loud because it's just constant disrespect. Yeah.

It's just, a man's got no self-control. Right, let's finish off with an affirmation of the week. How about, what's the date today, the 16th? How about if you're feeling blue in January, there's only half more of the month to go. Now I'm trying to think. And then when you get to the end of January, it just all stops feeling blue, right? Yeah, for sure. Seb is pink guys. Oh, God.

That's what's going to help our listeners. Okay, let's think of another affirmation. Let's brighten everyone's spirits. Do you know what? It's facing forward and realizing that any shit that does happen or any situations that you're in that are not making you feel good, it's knowing that eventually you're going to look back and realize why they had to happen and as one door closes, another one will eventually open and you'll be happy that the shit happened.

There you go. Amen. We'll see you guys. And if you're talking my space again, I'm joking. See you next week guys. Bye. Bye.