Not As We Planned - 75. Get the F*ck Out

Episode Date: February 6, 2025

He went to work and never came back I found his pills for herpes Would you go back to a relationship where there’s no trust? Learning to set boundaries when coparenting, how to help your children handle big emotions about your divorce and finding pills for herpes. Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Hey guys, hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel like I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give

to our besties. Hi guys! Welcome back to another week. How are we still in Jan? I feel like it's like gone January 87th. Yeah, the 87th day of Jan. Although actually it'll probably be Feb by the time this goes out, so that was completely irrelevant to mention. But happy Feb! Happy January's over. It's just so long and miserable.

Dog. Yeah. There. Little update. I was actually even thinking while you were on your way here, like, what have I done this week? Like, I feel like January is a bit like that.

My update is my injury. Oh yeah. So what actually happened? So you could look at me. I'm really like, I've been with way up here. So basically, I can't remember what night it was. It was Saturday night. It was my weekend with the kids.

And I've spoken about like, my leg does this thing where he like wakes up at night and shouts at me and like, I went, bleh. So he'd done that. And I mustn't have like opened my bedroom door as much as usual, you know, you just kind of like go into like automatic mode. I got out of bed like, walked with power to his room and I've smashed my head on like the corner of the door and I've got like quite heavy wooden doors. I was like fuck. And then I didn't really think too much of it but I was like oh I went in and I was like what's dripping? Like why is my face

wet? I was like well huh. So I went into the bathroom and just had like blood everywhere and I was like fuck and then like I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. And I was like, like as a single parent, what are you meant to do? It was two in the morning. And I was, I'm not gonna lie, the amount of blood there was, I was like, if I was with someone, I would probably go to the hospital right now.

Like the amount of blood and honestly, it was so deep. I could, nothing I was doing, sorry. Nothing I was doing, sorry. Nothing I was doing. Who'd do a trigger mute? Nothing was stopping it bleeding. And I was like, what am I meant to do? Like, I need to sleep. I've got kids and so on.

Taped it together with some Paw Patrol plaster. Stand up. And I tried to go to sleep, I didn't really sleep much. And then like, I woke up the next day and I think I was in agony. I woke up and I was like, honestly, the pain was like, you know when it's like pulsating? And I was like, I don't think this is good.

So I messaged in the family group and I was like, this is what's happened. So my sister was like, come and drop the kids around. I'll come with you and we'll go to, she knows all the best places, a miners' hospital. She was like, we won't go to A&E otherwise we'll get ill from all that, you know, everyone's always like, ill in A&E. So we went to this miners' place on a Sunday, so the kids went to my sister's house and

I was seen within an hour. But the worst thing was where I had to put plasters on it, the skin had started to seal itself but it had done it wrong and I would have ended up with like a really weird like eyebrow. So she had to pull it apart. Oh no stop. And then glue it. It reminded me of when Ivy was terrific. Because they showed me like she was like, I just want to show, I didn't think that she

was going to actually shine me like opening it up. That's the danger with Instagram. I was like, I put a picture up, I was like, do I need to go see someone? Most people are like, yeah, you need to go. And some people are like, no, it's fine. Do you know what? If I hadn't gone, I would have the weirdest eyebrow for the rest of my life. Also, I feel like you're asking people advice when people are medically-

No, I know. Anyway, if it happens to you though, because if your skin starts to go back together and it's not done properly, you're going to look weird. If walking to any doors in the middle of the night go to get an eye patch. Yeah, anyway, so then I was like, I'm really lucky. Like basically where the actual main cut is, is like along my eyebrows. So it's like taking off like this. I have hair there, but it kind of looks like an eyebrow because it's a scab at the moment.

It's really hard. It's still quite painful, but, and obviously that will go over time. I'm gonna do like my red light therapy on it and stuff like that to try and help the healing. But then she was like, and I was like, I can't believe I've got no swollen eyes. She's like, oh no, that's coming next. And I was like, what?

She said like, and then she was like, and don't be surprised if like your other eye swells up because like the fluid like moves across them. Really? So the next morning I wake up, I literally look like Elephant Man. I was like. And I had work to do, campaigns,

and I had to message my agent, be like, I'm really sorry, would they be happy with me looking like this? Or can I wait a few days to film? So I've got a backlog of stuff because I literally, and as well, where my eye was so inflamed, I couldn't put mascara on like put mascara on even this morning was like impossible because there's so much skin overlap that I've been getting it. So yeah that's my update.

Very exciting. Yeah. That's mine. I've had a bit of a situation with Blake with school with football which is I feel like a lot of people can probably relate because when I put it on my stories like I had an influx of messages I think the problem with kids in general at school is you can't wrap your kid up and cost them more and make sure no one hurts their feelings and Blake is extremely sensitive like has major rejection sensitivity and if

someone's not nice to him they can really like affect his whole week. And he came out of football the other day really sad saying he didn't want to do it anymore because a lot of the boys aren't nice to him saying things like, oh don't pass the plate because he doesn't know what he's doing. And it literally breaks my heart. And I've been really torn because I feel like if that was Ivy, I'd be a bit more like, babe, you're going back next week and ignore them and let them know that it doesn't bother you. But I feel like because I know that he's got his diagnosis, it's like you almost, it's that catch 22 of feeling like you want to protect them that bit more because maybe they can't handle it. But then you don't want them to just give up with every single thing that when someone maybe says like, boom, do you know what I mean?

Like, I think the thing that really frustrates me that I've been reflecting on quite a bit is their dad is extremely passionate about football. Like he grew up living and breathing football, you know, all the people that are like, would have been a professional footballer if I didn't damage my knee, like always. But like, very good footballer and I'll give him that. Like, he also like, did coaching, like football was his thing. Big Arsenal supporter, like, go, you know, like went to all the games and the sort of person you would have expected the minute he had a son, his son would be in the Arsenal baby grow and the minute he was walking a ball would be in front of him

and he'd be teaching him how to dribble a ball at the age of two. Never did anything with him regarding football, never encouraged it. I thought he'd be like fucking Dan Scott from One Tree Hill if anyone watches it where you try and live vicariously through your son because you had a failed career in that sport, so you hope that your child has it. I actually think I would have rather of that and him showing some passion rather than nothing, never taken into a football game, never bought him a football,

never played football with him at the park. My son supports Spurs, so it says it all, how much he is encouraged football onto him. So I ended up having a conversation with him because I thought it's a real shame because he's actually got someone that could be encouraging him, teaching him, making him feel more confident about it. I'm not saying I need Blake to be a professional footballer, but I know that football is a massive social aspect with boys and I don't want him to be left behind. So I spoke to

him and I explained what happened at school and his first reaction was like, who are the kids we need to make sure we speak to them and tell them to be kinder. And I said to him really what I would like to do is for him to maybe get involved a bit more with you and if you can play with him and show him. I did in the end have to say it's a real shame that you've never done X, Y, Z because you're really passionate about it and Blake doesn't know anything about the game. I don't think he even knows about football and he replied pretty much being like, fine, yeah, leave it with me. So he picked the kids up yesterday

and I was over like hearing a conversation and he said to Blake, guess what we're gonna do? I'm gonna take you to an Arsenal game. Well, we're gonna, no, okay, sorry. We're gonna get on the train, we're gonna get a burger, I'm gonna take you to the Arsenal shop, buy you an Arsenal kit and then we're gonna go and watch the game.

And in my head, all I'm thinking is, your son's got a Spurs kit, which he wears to school. All that's going to do is confuse him. Kids probably make fun of him that he's gone in one week wearing Spurs and the next week wearing Arsenal. That's not actually helping his confidence in the slightest. That is just you trying to push Arsenal on him. I want you to teach him to play. So I ended up messaging him today saying, I think you slightly misunderstood what I was saying. I think it's great you want to teach him to play. I want you to... So I ended up messaging him today saying, I think you slightly misunderstood what I was saying. I think it's great you wanna take him to football and I think he'll love it.

However, for me, it's about him playing, building that confidence, understanding what the rules are and how to do it and you teaching him, not just pushing Arsenal on him, because I actually think that's gonna probably get the boys to pick on him a bit. It is, especially Spurs and Arsenal, like You can't go in one week in Spurs and the next week in Arsenal they'll be like, oh, you don't even know who you support.

That is just like, almost like the forbidden rule of football. You don't change your team, like a year supporting one and then change out. You don't buy the kit, but you can watch the game. Absolutely. Take into loads of games, whatever. But for me, it's more like, I just feel like he doesn't understand. I honestly think that he'll take him to one game and think he's done it. Like dad of the year took him to a game, bye. So I said to him, like, if you can't find the time, I'm more than happy to, I really would like to get him some one-on-one coaching just to get his confidence up.

But really, I'd love for you to do it with him if you can. He was like, yeah, leave it with me. But I know that he won't do anything, but I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for a few weeks. He's out. Yeah. I think it's just frustrating. And it is sad when like, I don't, it's like that, it is that catch

22, if you don't want to push something on your child and give them anxiety and put them in a situation where they don't feel uncomfortable, but at the same time you also don't want to allow those other children to push them out. It's really important to build resilience in children. I've had a similar situation, but Theo's always lacked confidence with anything. I think quite socially he's quite introverted. So at the start of last year he was really in Kung Fu Panda and there was an opportunity for him to do karate at school and I signed him up and him to do karate at school. And I signed him up and he had the biggest meltdown, like don't want to do it.

I was showing him videos, don't want to do it. After his first week, absolutely loved it. Thank you, mommy. Thank you, mommy. I want to do karate every day. So he still does that. And then all his really good friends at school really into football. And they do like a free football club at school. And I was like, why don't I sign you up when you do it? And it was this big thing. He was like, mommy, I don't want to do it. I'm not as fast as everyone.

I'm not good. And I think already in his head, he's talking negatively to himself. So I have a rule that you try everything once. So I'm like, look, mommy's going to sign you up. It's free. So if you don't want to do it, you just don't go. And went to his first one, absolutely loved it. And now since then, every lunchtime and playtime, he's playing football with the boys that he wasn't ever going to play football with because he didn't think he was good enough and he's found like his little niche that he likes being a little goalkeeper. He's coming home, he's like kicking the ball around and it's so nice to see that when you

do push them out their comfort zone because it's really easy to be like, oh he doesn't want to do it, I don't want to upset him, I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. But I think it is really important sometimes to put them in situations where they are uncomfortable and not let external factors win. Like he is a shy kid. I know that. But I feel like sometimes pushing them to do things that they're scared of doing. It's like us as adults. Like when you push yourself to do that, that's when the met them out of the pot. Yeah, no, I agree. I basically did say to him, like,

let's try and finish the term as we've paid for it. You do, because I asked him, like, do you like the sport, but you just don't like the boy that is saying things, or do you actually dislike football? And he said that it's just the boy. There's a wifey. I feel like... Just never let that get in the way, yeah.

So I'm actually having the coach call me today just to explain to him like, this is the situation. Can you keep an eye on it? Cause the thing is, boys will be boys. Like I think that is sport at the end of the day. So I feel like, I almost want to say to Blake like, come on babe, like you are the northern. You're tough with your brother and sister.

Ignore them and give them a little nudge cause that's what you need to do. Well done. You know what I mean? Yeah. But anyway, so yeah, that's me. Alright, it's exciting. Let's crack on with something. You will. Yeah, we want updates. When we give you our advice and suggestions, if there's any updates, please get them in. We want to hear. Okay.

Am I being a bitch? Oh, well, let you know I'm not holding back. Hey ladies, loving your podcasts and Patreon. So where do I start? Two years in January, I left my partner of 13 years. We made the decision to get rid of our due to lots of arguments and trusts have been broken because of him lying about substance, misuse and illnesses.

All of these issues made my anxiety horrendous. I was constantly looking on his phone to see if he had lied. I know that's bad. Anyway, since then, my five-year-old daughter and I are now living in a small rented property. I've been trying to get myself into a better headspace by going to the gym and generally reflecting on the past few years. Me and my ex have been getting on well throughout and have had several conversations about us potentially getting back together. He's promised me the world and said how things will change etc. However, it's been two years and not a lot has changed for him. He really struggles with his mental health and has done for years. He's said numerous times how he'll get help but never does. We keep going around in

circles. I feel like I'm being a bitch by putting away when his mental health is bad, but I also feel like I need to protect myself as when I'm around him and he's down I feel like I'm walking on eggshells which then makes me feel anxious. I want to help him but then I don't feel like he wants the help as anything I suggest there's always a reason why he won't do it. But when he's good he's really good, motivated and says all the right things. I'd really love to be back as a family unit, but I just don't know if it's the right thing to do. I would have to give up everything I've worked so hard to do by myself and I'm worried if I go back, will it be the same as it was before?

I still don't know if I can fully trust him in regards to his lying. Any advice would be really appreciated. Thank you so much. I don't think you're a bitch. Can we just take that out? Because I think it's really important that you protect yourself. Particularly like, he's lied to you about pretty big things, pretty substantial things, like, especially substance abuse when you've got children. Like that's,

that for me is a big, that's a big thing. Yeah. So I think firstly, like forgive yourself that any kind of feelings you have towards you feeling like you're a bad person, I think you're absolutely justified. And it sounds like you've gone away and started to do the work on yourself. And I understand that if someone's mental health's not good, that you almost feel like you owe it to them to help them and you don't want to make that situation worse, but at the same time, is it the right thing to do?

I feel like, first of all, like when constant lying happens and there's that lack of trust in a relationship, I remember I used to always say to myself, I used to convince myself that like you shouldn't trust anyone 100% and I remember even saying to myself I wouldn't even, I don't even trust myself 100% and I think I used to like kid myself because I didn't trust my ex-husband. I like made it okay. I made out that like no one should trust anyone so it's okay that I don't trust my husband. But all that did was make me live on eggshells, paranoid and it made our relationship toxic because even when he was being honest and

felt like he shouldn't be questioned, I did question him. I feel like, well, I think we've always said it, if you don't have trust in a relationship, I personally don't think it can work because there's being insecure from past trauma and, you know, having to gain that trust as someone reassuring you, but when the trust is actually broken in the relationship that you're currently in. And you've got a reason to know they can't be trusted. And if they don't, again it's a tricky one because it's almost like they should understand why you don't trust them, they should understand why you need that constant reassurance but it does come a point where it's like you need to forgive and forget. So what I mean by that is

you need to forgive and forget. Like, so what I mean by that is like, my ex gave me reason to be the way I was. My behavior wasn't me as a person. I became that person because of his actions. However, it got to a point where he became really frustrated and felt really trapped. Albeit, it was because of him, but still it's like, if I'm gonna be with him,

I need to let go, and I couldn't. And it's like what we've said about what you were like, if I'm going to be with him, I need to let go and I couldn't. And that's why it's like what we've said about what you were like, you knew you'd never be that person. So you called it a day. I tried to be the person that you knew you could be. And eventually it became a day. So I guess it depends whether you feel like you can forgive and move on from the mistrust

he's giving you or not. And sometimes you have to make selfish decisions. And I wonder whether, you know, she's questioned, I feel like I'm being, am I being a bitch? Has he like gaslit you a bit into making you feel like you've done wrong? Cause you like apologize in the email about like looking at his phone, but like he's given you reason to.

And also, he's saying to you he's doing the work, but then he's not actually actively getting help. For me, for me to have to take someone back in that situation, I'd want to see you are doing the work. I want to see you, but those changes say you're gonna make the changes, and actually going out and doing something and seeking help, or whatever it is. There's obviously lots of different ways he can do that. But unless I actually saw some kind of action to his words, for me, it's just

words. I always say this to my boys, like when they say sorry, I'm like, it's not the words I want to hear. I want to see a change in behaviour. Absolutely. Sorry is very easy to say. It's actually what you sorry for and what you can do to change it. Yeah. It's the accountability. Yeah. So, look, for me, if I didn't trust the person I was with, I wouldn't personally be with them because I've seen it not work before.

Okay, this one. My partner goes to work and doesn't return. What does he do? I don't know. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. Stay two nights and get a $50 Best Western gift card. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Be alive. Hey girls, firstly, I want to say thank you for your podcast for getting me through the

last few months since my partner walked out one morning and he actually never returned. I thought she meant on a regular. He genuinely went to work and never came back. Have you seen Missing You on Netflix? No. It's quite good actually. I told you I started it but we got bored. It's quite good and that basically it's about this like detective but her she was like yeah I remember yeah and he like just disappeared disappeared and she saw him and she got back to her flatten all his clothes and

everything was just gone. Yeah I saw that bit. No. What the hell. No, I saw that bit. What the hell? I actually know something similar happened. A friend of mine, she was with her boyfriend 17 years, something ridiculous. And she could tell something was wrong. They had a conversation. He said that he wasn't very happy anymore. She like was like really upset, walked out. Like they obviously had some sort of argument. She walked out, like needed to calm down.

I think she went to her sister's and when she came back he had gone. Well, his stuff was gone and they'd never spoken again. That's mad. Like what the fuck? How crazy? Anyway, for some context, we started dating back in 2019. I wasn't in the best place after I'd gone through a breakdown from narcissist abuse from my ex-husband's father.

From my ex-husband's father? I'm glad that I can keep... yeah yeah yeah. My ex-husband's father. Oh no, Papa getting involved. Grandpa. Why are there was grandpa's and grandma's in our email? Any grandma and grandpa updates please, Sonamyn? Having gone through a breakdown from my narcissist abuse from my ex-husband, father of my eldest four children and had just gone on antidepressants. My now ex-father of my three-year-old daughter

persisted with me for about four months before I agreed to date him. We met at a mutual friend's leaving party. He stuffed around and I think because I was still very vulnerable, I let him into our lives. But I questioned his niceness anyhow. We then went into COVID, so moved into my house very quickly. I feel like because of COVID and lockdown, which was just so fucking weird and still

to this day, I think, is what happened. A lot of people moved in with each other very soon. Because I can understand, I've been with my boyfriend now for over six months. If we were both kid free and lockdown happened out of nowhere, we probably would've lived together. It would be a bit of like a experiment, like fuck it.

This doesn't work then, whatever. Yeah, so I can understand why people did do that. We did that, yeah. Yeah. He has three children from his previous relationship and appeared to be a great dad. We became a blended family, which I loved. I knew I wanted another baby

and it had been discussed a lot between us. We then had our daughter in 2021 and from that moment he became distant with me. Like, hi. Let us bring you closer together. He didn't like that I breastfed our daughter. What I think was jealousy. What do you want to do, suck her tit as well?

I'm thirsty. Jealousy. But I encouraged him to do bath, et cetera, with her, which he never took on. Okay. However, his two elder children her, which he never took on. Okay. However, his two elder children distanced themselves from our blended family. That was hard on us both at first,

but I left him to deal with that as I had a newborn and my other children to focus on. The younger of his three, different mom, he then had the child arrangement order put in place, which I supported him through. He then went self-employed and I supported his business adventure. I'm sorry, I just had a flashback of lockdown when, I don't know what I'm thinking about this, when my ex was on furlough. So he decided to start

a new business selling cats. And I think they're all still in my loft. Oh my gosh, should we put them in the goody bag of the broadcast event? Have a hat, that's a super hair. Oh, I'm so supportive. What a great wife. Anyway, sorry. Fast forward, sorry, I was just thinking of all the boxes up in my lap. Just get rid of them. Fast forward to 2023. I knew I was in a good place

and wanted to come off my antidepressants. He wasn't supportive of this. And he said I changed. And I explained, no, I just feel emotions now where I didn't before. This is when I knew our relationship wasn't right and said to him, we couldn't be happier. Let's put some more effort into us and make time and then I went away with my friends all of my friends

partners messaged them on the last day can't wait to see you tonight etc I got nothing of course I felt jealous so I messaged him I said I can't wait to get home for a cuddle and he responded with yeah we can have a cuddle with our daughter I cried as I just wanted him to want me. I spoke to him about how I felt. He basically just said he didn't see the issue. Christmas 2023, he left for a week, came back. We did the usual talk, both promised to work on things.

By April, 2024, he went completely cold on me. I tried to question it, but I just got it stressed with work. We had our family summer holiday and I thought we were all good. Six weeks later he walked out for work one morning and never returned. Then not seeing our daughter for six weeks, I asked him to sit and talk to me. Not to resolve it but to get closure. His response was, you're just crying and I'll feel guilty. Ugh. Wow. I mean... you're just crying and I'll feel guilty.

Wow, I mean. Like he's dead inside. It's weird, like how can you just do that? I think I understand the switch. I mean, it's not a switch, it was obviously like a gradual thing, but still, like about a month after he left, I found out there was someone else. I mean, there always is, isn't there?

I then found out from his younger daughter, from his youngest daughter's mom, this is exactly what he did to her. Told you, when they don't do the work and you think they're just like, found someone else and oh no, like how did they move on? They clicked away, just do the same shit over and over again.

I feel like the last five years of my life has been a complete lie that actually I didn't know who he was. I'm just currently putting on a front and everyone thinks I'm handling everything brilliantly when inside I'm broken, so questioning my self-worth and why I wasn't enough. But I also know I'm worth so much

and have so much to offer to the right person. I do have to add that we never once had an argument in five years. Please tell me that that isn't normal. Not even a heated discussion as he never wanted to discuss topics he would then just brush them under the carpet. He now sees our daughter but only at my house as he has nowhere to have her. He does take her out on the weekends that he has his other daughter. I'm starting to struggle with him being in my home as I need to start to heal. I also have to be conscious of my older four children, 19, 17, 15 and 12. Girls, can you please give me some help and advice from one broken single mum who

desperately wants to heal and get her glow back? Can I quickly say something that stood out to me? When you said like you never had an argument in five years, that's absolutely not normal and okay. Like couples argue and if people say that they don't argue, then one is holding back or not like being honest. Like arguments are healthy. Do you know what? I actually think I would rather have an argument every week and resolve it in a really good way and repair and reconnect, then never argue. Because if you're not arguing, then I don't think something... Well, you just not always agree on things.

I think arguments can look differently. I think people handle arguments in different ways. I don't think they necessarily have to be heated. But disagreeing about things and getting upset or annoyed is very, very normal. Arguments should happen in a relationship, I think. And I also think that he should not be seeing your daughter in your house anymore, you're absolutely correct. Like if it makes you feel uncomfortable,

then he needs to find another solution in going somewhere else to see his daughter. If he's got other kids as well, why can't he be at his house or take her out? Or you should be setting that boundary if you want to heal and you want to do the work and that's something that's not helping you. There's your boundary. Stop it and do something else. I don't want you to also think that, you know, I feel like I could look back at my marriage and be like, it was all a lie, like what was real and what was not. But I feel like I could look back at my marriage and be like, it was all a lie, what was real

and what was not. But I feel like I ended up getting to a place where I thought, you know what, it was real for me. And rather than over-analyzing every little bit and thinking, oh, how did he actually feel then? Was that true? Was that true? It was true for me. I've got my kids out of there. It was a life lesson. I don't view it as like a waste of my time or, oh God, I've failed with my marriage. It's made me who I am today. It's put me in the places that I am today. And I think rather than killing yourself, trying to look back and think about, oh, that was a lie and that was a lie, just face forward, like that's in the past now. Use it for a life lesson of knowing what you want in your next partner and what you don't want.

Yeah and it's nothing to do with you not being worthy enough. Like he's just not a good person and I deserve a lot better than that and I think that's one thing we all need to take from this is it's not about why wasn't I enough for him? Why wasn't I enough for him like someone else is? It's not about that. We're different to these kind of people. I feel like they vibrate on a much lower frequency. Well, I think, do you know what it is? I think when people say that, why am I not enough? No, if you hear that back, you'll probably realize that he's not enough for me He's any man with respect any man that is capable of going to work one day and never coming back and they're not seeing his daughter

For six weeks. Why would you want that? Go away and you I'd rather be on my own them with someone like me to and one day you'll realize that and you'll actually genuinely Think it too. 100% Thank you for writing in. Thank you. Okay, I need your help. Okay. Hi girls, not your usual story but I'm really hoping you can give me some advice. Me and my husband of seven years separated three weeks before Christmas. It was his choice but I must admit it's been a long time coming with years of cheating

and disrespect on his part. I was kind of at the point where I was staying for the kids and completely lost myself in the process. Not so great timing because so close to Christmas but there we have it. I was distraught, still am, but I painted on my wall paint and carried on being the best mother I could be for my four and five year old. FCO Fast forward five weeks and my five year old is having really big emotions and doesn't seem to be grasping what is going on. I've sat them down to explain what is going on and also bought

books to read to hopefully help them process it all, but it still doesn't seem to be sinking in. It's probably worthwhile saying at this point that my husband works away and was only coming home once a month. So our day-to-day hasn't really changed and he really was slash is a generally shit dad, never turning up to school events, not really much interest in how they are. We're called us every day some weeks but other weeks we were barely here of him. But all of a sudden he is asking why he isn't coming home, will he come on holiday with us, is he okay etc. and he has also had two outbursts where he has said I'm the reason

daddy won't come home and also that he wants to go and live with him. As you can imagine that was like a dagger to my heart. I'm still in my healing process which is still so raw. How do I get the message across clearly to them and support these big emotions whilst I'm also having these same emotions where I just want to curl up in a ball and cry and cry. At the moment there are no plans to co-parent. There are no set days for them to spend time with their dad as it all depends on when he decides to travel back home. I've tried explaining this to my husband and that maybe if we have some things to look forward to with him that could help the situation. But as usual, all of this is just left for me to deal with and for once I just don't seem to have the answers. Any help or advice would be amazing. Thank you. One very awesome, powerless mother. Mumma. I feel like I'm quite surprised considering his lack of...

What's the word I'm looking for? Not attendance, but like... Presence. That's it. That... It's so noticeable. If that's an energy, I feel like that's an energy. There's something he's picking up on whether he's seeing you sad, there's something different, something has changed and I think kids are so, um, so aware of small changes that we might not even be, we might think we're putting on this a bit like big front and I'm not saying

it's a bad thing for kids to see you sad, it absolutely is okay and actually I think it's quite important that children know it's okay to cry, that children know that there are different emotions and actually as humans we're not happy all the time and I think that's really important to validate that. I think we spoke about that a couple of weeks ago and I think although the situation and like the frequency that he's seeing his dad hasn't changed has obviously been a shift of some kind of energy, some kind of atmosphere, something he is picking up on. I think the most important thing is firstly to validate his feelings. If I understand it's frustrating, you don't know when you're going to see your daddy. I understand it's frustrating. You know, you might not hear

from him. I think it's really difficult when you're trying to co-parent with someone who doesn't necessarily want to help you put things in place that might help your kids handle things or might not see it from your point of view. And what I find helpful for bigger things like that is to write things down in an email like write specific points. This is what I think would be helpful. You know, these are my concerns. I think sometimes people are unresponsive to texts or WhatsApps or whatever.

It depends who you're dealing with at the end of the day. But this is a really important issue and I would write it also as like a paper trail. Like, God knows, like if you get to the point where you're going through a divorce and you know, there's something to do with childcare and you have to get Kafka's involved, you've got a paper trail of your concerns about your child's wellbeing. And I think that's really, really important firstly. I can't imagine the pain it must hear like saying I want to go and live with daddy and things. I can imagine how that would feel. That would absolutely break me. And I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I think it sounds like it is a really confusing time. And I don't know whether you've had the conversation

and sat them down and said, mommy and daddy aren't like don't love each other anymore, but we still love you and having that kind of talk where you are kind of explaining there's a difference. The thing is Theo's five, but when we stood up, he was still three. And actually I think sometimes I forget, it was probably easier for them to grasp it because they were younger. And I think it is, it is a difficult conversation as they get older. But I think there needs to be some kind of frank conversation with the reassurance that you both still love them and none of that's going to change. I think it's also really like making them aware that they have no reason, like they aren't the

reason for it. You know, like kids a lot of the time are quite self-absorbed and automatically think that like they've done something wrong. That it's them like, oh, this is me. So it's really like emphasizing on that this isn't anything that you guys have done. Like we're so happy that we were together because we had you and we're still your mummy. He is still your daddy. Like nothing has changed and you're still going to actually in theory, like for once you can say this because I couldn't, but you're still going to see daddy as much as you nearly did. Once we get an arrangement in place for him to come back.

And maybe mommy and daddy will plan exciting different things to do with you, like different trips, like mommy take you on a trip. I mean, what would be nice is obviously you said that he only sees what was like around once a month and you're not sure when he's going to see him next until he decides to come back. But if he was on the same page as you or you discussed it with him a bit more about how he's how your kids are struggling, maybe he could come back. But if he was on the same page as you, or you discussed it with him a bit more about how your kids are struggling, maybe he could come back a bit more. Because how nice would it be

if they actually got to see him more than they used to, and then there'd be a benefit of the separation. Or a regular night where he's FaceTiming them, something. Yeah, sorry, I don't even know if we've really helped. Because the thing is, unfortunately, you can't control what he does and when he chooses to come back or not. And it is hard when it's all put on you. But yeah, it's really just reassuring them that like you're not going anywhere, that daddy still loves you. And then yeah, trying to get those regular FaceTimes in,

trying to actually do things, get him try and message your ex and try and get him involved with things that allow your kids to see that there's actually maybe positives to the separation because they get to see him more or speak to him more than they were before. That would be maybe trying to get that in. But yeah, I wonder what he does for a job that he only came back once a month. I couldn't, I couldn't. No, no. Right, we're gonna do one more.

This is advice. Hi girls. I really need some advice on the relationship that I'm in. I love him dearly and it can be so great, but he can be quite verbally horrible to me. He's kicked me out a couple of times because I've asked him about some tablets I found for herpes and said I was snooping. When he goes out for a drive I get suspicious because he isn't telling me where he's gone. Am I expecting too much? No, he's weird.

Am I overreacting? No. He said I'm a gas lighter and last night because I said I want to spend more time with him, but he's got, but he's on his PlayStation, he kicked off and called me a stupid useless wanker. I feel stuck. Get the fuck out. I'm sorry, he's kicking you out because you found his tablets. Like that is defensive. Like, surely you'd just be able to have an adult conversation about it and like, it's the way he's dealing with all these things.

Nothing that I have just read is acceptable. Like it is, are you expecting too much? Like, absolutely not. Like the fact that no, just yeah, no, you're not overreacting. You're being abused. You're being like emotionally abused. He does not deserve you. There is absolutely no healthy relationship. Sorry, someone going out and not telling you where they're going. That is not okay. I mean, the thing is you said you love him dearly and it can be so great. When? But like it can be so great. The thing is, I feel like we speak to a lot of people,

we hear from a lot of people and they always say like, when it's good, it's so good, but when it's bad, it's really bad. And like that bad shouldn't exist. Like don't get me wrong, like relationships aren't constantly happy. You're going to have like tough times and stuff but those tough times shouldn't involve you being kicked out of the house and being called a stupid rancor because you wanted to spend time with him. Like, no. Like, honestly, he sounds like the most vile person. Get the fuck out.

That is my thought. And maybe you just need to hear it from other people or maybe hear that back because that's not okay. No. By any stretch of the imagination. No. On that note, should we end with a little affirmation of the week? Okay. Here. By any stretch of the imagination. No. On that note, should we end with a little affirmation of the week? Okay. Here's one. It is simple. I am valuable. I feel like a

lot of women lose their value to these men who don't see their value. They start questioning their value. Their worth. Like, while I'm treating them. Letting them treat them like crap. You're a valuable queen. You deserve the absolute world. Like, look what you bring to the table. Like these people who treat you like this, they are not worthy of the value that you offer in their lives and we need to start remembering that. Amen. Get rid.

Bin. Yeah. Bin them. Thank you guys. Hope you enjoyed. And if you want more, go sign up for Patreon. Yep. Go and do it.

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