Not As We Planned - 76. Are We Dating The Same Guy?

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Carly shares an emotional update, we hear from the woman who cheated, we get a lovely update from a listener and the dreading question of are we dating the same guy? Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC optimum points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Hey guys, hi! You're listening to Not As A Zoo Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel like I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties.

Hi guys! Good night! Back to another episode! I'm actually like loving this one. I know, I feel it in your mood, doesn't it? But like, sun. Blue sky. I saw something that was like, I feel like they have moods, doesn't it? But like, sun, blue sky. I saw something that was like,

I can't remember the exact date, somewhere in March, like the sun won't set before 6pm and it won't set again before then, so the end of October. The clock's changing March. Yeah, they're like, protestant. Yeah, so like then it's gonna start just, I don't know if that's something

they're about to do with the kids. Can't remember. But do you know what, who cares? Longer days, a lot of todays. I can't know if that's the little bad thing with the kids. Can't remember. Do you know who cares? Longer days, longer today, it's nice. Do you have a little cat, Jo? I met my boyfriend's ex. It's really funny because I don't know if you thought this, but when men meet each other,

I feel like the normal thing to do is to shake hands. Yeah, but when women meet each other, it's that awkward, what do you do? we hugged. You've almost got to judge the situation. I think with men, you know you're going to handshake. Yeah. But with women it's like, I'm too high. I feel friendly. But so am I. I'm quite like an affectionate person. But like, some people aren't huggers. And some people don't want to hug. Anyway, where does humidity? So we actually, so my boyfriend and I went out for the day with his son. He wanted me to come and watch him play football,

which was really cute. And then we went to a football game as well. It was really nice, but I literally said after, it was like, don't ever invite me in the winter ever again. It was so cold. Anyway, we were then dropping him back to his mom. So we said to her like, she's going to be in the car. Do you want to come and meet her? And she was

like, yeah. And straight away, like came up to me and hugged me. And then you know, when you can like relax, you suddenly get that vibe. And like, honestly, like, for me, couldn't have gone better. Like it was so pleasant, like really amicable. I think we probably got like that mutual understanding of like, it is just about the kids. Like there doesn't need to be any. There was no bad feeling. Like, you know, they split up years ago and yeah. Like she's happy, he's happy. So it was really nice.

And I think now I just feel better now that I know that that's kind of like done. And yeah, like I think sometimes we build up these situations, we've said it so many times that I don't worry about something that hasn't happened yet because we build it up in our heads like, oh my God, what if this happens or what if that happens? But I feel like more often than not,

it ends up being absolutely fine. So yeah, that's really my only update. What about you? I like your slippers. Thanks. Cherry. I like your slippers. Thanks. Cheerio. I'm alright. Um, I feel like my life's quite boring at the moment. Um, no, I feel like I've... So, I've started therapy, properly finally, with your therapist.

Yes. And honestly I wish I'd... Should we quickly just let anyone know? Anyone that maybe has not gone back and listened to old episodes, there is an episode, I can't even remember what it's called. I was calling the first one. Her name is in the title, Shelly Whitehead. She is someone that I have been seeing personally

for over six years, I can't remember how long, and now Carly has just started you. Yeah, I wish I'd done it sooner, but I do think sometimes you need to Be in the right place to do it, but I Feel like we've just brought up so much stuff like even from like before my marriage and stuff and I Don't know. It's just offered to me a bit of a different perspective on things and me a bit of a different perspective on things and I think reflecting on my marriage I've got quite a lot of work I still need to do. It's all cry.

Do you know what sometimes I actually saw something where it says crying is a way of resetting the pain and sometimes you need to just let it out. Therapy is emotional. Oh I know. I think one of the things that maybe, and correct me if I'm wrong, maybe on me observing you, is I think that you are very like strong-minded. And I think sometimes people subconsciously avoid therapy because you don't feel the need to unpack things that don't seem like they bother you anymore. Well, it wasn't even that. I just feel like the last two years, I've been so busy.

Yeah. And I am really bad at putting myself first. And, do you know, especially being a single mom, like trying to justify it all, can I afford to spend money on this? single mum, like trying to justify it all. Can I afford to spend money on this? Can I afford like trying to balance it? And obviously like for me, my kids always come first, but what I'm realising is me being

okay is actually going to embed that better. Absolutely, I don't know where this has come from. I think it's good. It's just been like a really weird couple of weeks, like bringing up stuff that, you know, when you're like, I didn't even know this was such a big thing for me, but it obviously was. Yeah. And yeah, it's just like, I don't know,

like also like having someone sit there and say to you, like you have been through a lot of trauma in your life and like, wow, like, we're like actually a lot of trauma in your life and like, wow, like, we're like actually someone reckoned. Yeah, but like beasing things together. Like I've mentioned before that like, I had this like realization about the person I chose to marry. Actually like looking back at people I dated before him, he was so random and completely didn't have any of the qualities or things that previous boyfriends might have had. Do you feel like when you did meet him and marry him, do you remember feeling like this is the last spoken. We spoke about this in therapy this week. Like, what

was it? And it's so weird because I don't even know what it was. I don't know if at that point in my life, I was in a, when I met him, I was in a really bad, bad headspace. I was in a really, I'd gone through something really horrific and I don don't know whether it was just someone paying me attention that was enough and then you get stuck in it. Because I look back now and all the qualities that are important to me, he never had things that, you know, like I am someone that I'm not going to sit here and slate him, but I don't know, we just had a really weird session where like we were delving into it. It was like, what, like what, and I was like,

and then I was like, I'm actually embarrassed for myself that I'm sat here and I can't even tell you what it was. And I look back and I'm like, was I in love or was I in love with the idea of being in love? Was I in love with the idea? I've mentioned before, I'm the biggest romantic. And was I just thinking you know I'm getting towards my 30s like I don't know and I don't know but at the time when we met I had literally gone through

one of the hardest periods of my life and Like there's no doubt for me that that impacted who I chose Mm-hmm, and that was just delving into stuff where you're like sat there. Like I was probably crying like most of the session, just like. But yeah. So if you've been thinking about it for a while. I do. I don't know how I put you on.

No, but I think it's really good. And like, that's it. Like my mission this year is to like get uncomfortable, like delve in like try and heal trauma that I've carried with me for god how like 15 years like and really try and heal that person I was then to just try and become like the best and happiest version of me for my kids. So, yeah, I think it's good. I think not. Yeah. As well, I think what I'm realizing is every time I have a session, I'm like, right, Carla, you just have to be prepared that you're basically gonna cry for like the full hour., like, I don't know, I feel really focused and validated.

And yeah, I just think it's, I'm the kind of person that's just got on with stuff and I'm like, oh, okay, this is what's happening to me. I'm just going to deal with it. Like, it is what it is. And I think sometimes you can deal with things too well and I think I'm one of those people. It's like, actually, are you dealing or are you burying? Yeah, do you know what I mean? I think that's basically what I've done. You might be what I've done.

Plaster rather than actually having the operation and looking at the cause of the problem. I think where I quickly accepted my circumstances. Yeah, you did. I did, like, really. Like, really. Yeah. Very weirdly. Yeah.

I don't think I ever addressed actually the pain. Not just even that, just, I was with them for ten years. Yeah. It's the stuff that, um, it's some stuff you don't even remember until you're talking through it and you're like... Well it's like when you had that chat with your grandma and all of a sudden she was like, how are you really? And then like you've had that revelation and I think that things don't come up until... That's why we've always said that journaling is really... Because sometimes like subconsciously something comes up and you're like, oh shit, like that's new. And I think that a lot of the time people do put off therapy.

I even know people in my life that put off therapy because they openly say, I don't wanna talk about X, like whatever that situation is that happened when they were younger, because they're like, because I'm managing it, because I'm doing okay, I don't need to. But I think the sad reality is, that's avoiding it, not dealing with it.

There is a difference between thinking that you're doing well because you're managing it, or actually are you just masking it and not dealing with it. Yeah, I think for me, I was just really aware of why certain things in your life happen, and then that leads to that happening. So I wanna address the root problem, so I'm not gonna, I don't want

to attract like bad things into my life or negative situations. So yeah, sorry. I don't know where that came from. I was concerned with feeling much better this week. No, but you are like, I think like therapy is emotional. Like sometimes you do leave therapy and you're like, fucking hell. Like that was draining but it's a good type of outlet. Yeah, no, you need to get it out and I think as well, like, like I was thinking, I spend most of my time on my own with my kids, like, and you are putting on a front for them even if you're feeling drained or whatever it is and actually it's not healthy to keep it all in. So yeah, I'm proud of myself that I've done it and like making it a regular thing now. So that's really positive. My kids

have been fighting loads at the moment. We had a really big talk about it this week, like just really big. And I was just like, look, like mummy looks forward to her time with you, but this isn't any fun. We've had a really lovely couple of days and they've helped me and obviously I know it's going to be up and down, but you know, you just had a really nice couple of days with your kids and you're kind of like, I'm really excited, it's our weekend together, like the Ozarks are going to London and stuff. So yeah, I'm feeling, do you know what, I'm just ready for February.

We're nearly in February. Yeah, we're nearly there, nearly there. Oh, another thing to, that's positive. Blake slept through four nights in a row. I don't think he has ever, since I was pregnant with Rome, done that. So the one thing that, so he has changed his medication, however he stepped through the night before I changed his medication. However, what I was finding was he's got into this

habit of waking up, I would say like on a good day it's once and then he says he's had a nightmare and then he goes to the toilet. So I had a chat with him the next day saying, you're seven years old, when you call me, so he doesn't come out of his room, he called him and he's standing at his door, and he's standing at his door next to the bathroom door which has the light on. So I said to him, next time you call me, just go to the toilet.

I was like, you don't need me, the light's on. Go to the toilet. So anyway, one night calls me, mommy, mommy. I get up, I walk to him, I'm like, yeah. He's like, I don't like that, I need the loo. I was like, okay, well, do you remember what I told you? Bathroom's there, do a wee, wash your hands, and get back to bed.

And I literally just turned around and went back into my bed thinking that he was gonna start crying, and he just did it. So then the next day I was like, remember, what's gonna happen tonight if you call me? He was like, you're not gonna come. I was like, I'm not going to come. So you can choose if you really need the loo, go.

If you don't, go back to bed. And every night I now say that, I so saw he hasn't woken me. I think it was just a habit. He wanted a bit of like connection maybe in the middle of the night. And I feel like I, I feel like I, I'm not saying that I give him excuses because of his diagnosis, but

it is that kind of catch-22 of is he sort of taking the piss now or is it that he needs it? And it is hard because I don't want to not give him what he needs, but at the same time it's like you're standing by the door, you've gone and do away. So so far, fingers crossed. And I'm not going to jinx it, but. Okay, so we're both experiencing good sleep. No, we're not jinxing it, we're manifesting it.

Manifesting it. Jan 2025 is good sleep, and it's gonna continue throughout the whole of January 2025. It's on my vision board, better sleep. Couple of wake-ups, that honestly, it's been so much better. I have been using the weighted blanket for anyone who wanted recommendations,

but make your own decision on that, because not being responsible. Yeah, and I think that's probably a certain thing. Yeah, so make your own judgement. I used one with Theo a few years ago, so. Let's crack on with an email. Okay. The other woman.

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I just said this is the other woman. We listen and we don't judge. Kind of. Go. Already have. I take it. We'll try and keep this short. Pretty difficult given the timeline. Suppose I should be giving my marriage. We married in 2018 but our lives together were never easy, nothing was really. We got together when both single in 2011, he was 16 years senior. From bitter ex-wives to step children in my 20s to wanting my own children and going through IVF a few times, we finally got married in 2018 and welcomed our beautiful twins following our final round of IVF in 2019. We had everything we had ever wanted so why wasn't I content and happy? When I found out I was pregnant I suffered severe sickness the whole way through which

sent my mental health spiralling downwards. I continued to take medication throughout my pregnancy, something if I'm honest kind of I felt judged for. All I can describe when I was pregnant was an impending feeling of doom and loneliness. I felt lonely in my marriage and I guess because my mental health was bad, it never really recovered after my pregnancy. I kept it at bay whilst trying to adapt to being a new mum of twins and being shatterd constantly. I lost who I was as a person. Fast forward two years, going through the ups and downs of marriage and having a young family. I, wait for it, kissed a co-worker on a work night out.

Another one. So cliche. The wild thing about this story is my husband was on this night out too, but he went to bed earlier than me. I'm all for work hard play hard. And the next morning I was filled with dread and the fear and made my way down to breakfast. Surely he won't even look at me, what a drunken mistake that was. Well, the next thing I knew as soon as Mo'Hubby left the table the group came over and I could

feel the hands on me under the breakfast table. What the fuck. I got a message later that day. He had gotten my number from another co-worker to say thanks for arranging a night to remember. Oh jeez Louise. I kept it short and sweet at this point. Then fast forward a few days, I reached out to him. After telling him not to message me, what if my husband sees the message on my phone? Curiosity I guess, and probably liked the attention I desperately wanted in my marriage. It went from 0 to 100 pretty quickly. I booked a hotel within a week and we slept together. We didn't stay but we had a few hours of fun in the room and then left and went on with our lives. Back to my home I shared with

my hubby and my kids. I think from that point I checked out my marriage as I was being so distant, secretive, loving the attention if I'm honest. Looking back now I think I was pretty vulnerable mentally, not making excuses for my behaviour at all, I just wasn't in a great headspace and quite unhappy with life, so this was a bandaid for me. He messaged me every day, all day. We'd seen each other when we could, always during the day and in work time, and when we could sneak off together it was always in the car. We didn't have anywhere to go really, I'll leave the rest to your imaginations." Oh, oh, I do. Again, not something I'm proud of but when we were together it was the best time I had

had in years. I was falling in love with him. We knew that we both needed to keep this a secret as we were both clear that we didn't want to hurt anyone in the process. Is that she's making me feel a bit funny? My marriage continued to suffer and I moved out of my home I shared with him and my kids in August 2024. Well that's not long ago. Hmm, it was dear. We had separated in the May, all the while still in this secret affair with my married

family man. He was married? He's married! He would tell me he had fallen in love, how we could never be together, how much he thought about me, contemplated life as he would call it with me. This affair continued when I moved in my new house and was always sexual, although the messages all day and all night, every day, even when on holidays, felt like we were in some kind of relationship. We never once slept over in the whole two years,

apart from one night recently over Christmas. We never seen each other in evenings or at weekends, it was always during work time and throughout the day. He was always so terrified of being caught and a lot of the time I felt so bad, so just went along with it. He was right, if this was the only way we could be in each other's lives without hurting anyone,

then why was it so bad? Back to the only way we could be in each other's lives without hurting anyone then why was it so bad? Back to the only night we slept over, my husband has always been suspicious that something had happened in my marriage, even accusing the person I was actually having an affair with. I denied it of course, this was not the reason I left my marriage, it was a symptom of my unhappiness but it definitely didn't help. Anyway, he asked my affair partner straight if something had happened on the night out, which he denied. This was the beginning of the end. He completely freaked out. I kept telling him to end it, but he

wouldn't. All of the he can't not see his family every day, it would kill him, etc, etc. I totally understand, but I also thought, what about me? What about us? How could something go from being so intense to nothing? It's been just over two weeks of no contact now and I want to message him with every fibre of my being and tell him I'm missing him. I've not done it. I'm just so hurt now and confused. What's even harder is it's not something I can openly talk about with many people so I'm kind of alone again. I truly believed he was the love of my life, I still do if I'm honest. I'm kind of alone again. I truly believed he was the love of my life, I still do if I'm honest. I'm trying to get over this and heal myself but

it's a journey as you know. I want him to message me so badly. Does that mean I'm a terrible person and I'm not ready to move on? He's made his decision. I get it, I want to be strong enough that if one day he did message me I wouldn't be desperate to reply. I've been off work for a couple of weeks too which has possibly helped not seeing him. I dread when I finally do. I don't want to seem broken. I'm embarrassed I let it get this far but also very sad and the guilt I have for my marriage ending and my husband is next level. I just want to be happy in life. There is a lot more to this and would be open to questions if needed, but just wanted

to let you guys know, even though I'm that girl, I acknowledge that I have made mistakes and I want to be a better person, so thank you for giving me the kick up the bum I needed. I feel quite embarrassed that I was slash am that girl and it makes me sad. Look, one thing I will say, putting aside whatever wrongdoing, I'm not here to like be like, oh, it's your fault, you deserve it. Going through a breakup, having to do the no contact, being heartbroken, it's the worst feeling and I honestly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

So I can really understand how you must be feeling. And to go through a breakup where you can't tell anyone and have comfort must also be really really difficult but I think that unfortunately you had an affair with someone who wasn't willing to leave his family and now these are the consequences of it. It just shows you like as much as you feel like he was in love with you and he's your person. If someone's not willing to be with you, then they can't be. Yeah. Look, it's a tricky situation and not one I feel like we've obviously

experienced to be able to... Part of me almost wants to say that, and I don't wanna like invalidate like how you're feeling, because if you think you're in love with him, then you're obviously in love with him. But I'm wondering if it's more like a bit like limerence, like I feel like he gave you the attention when you felt like you were lacking it in your marriage. Probably like, it's like a drug addiction, like you get that like insane dopamine hit from this person. Like, can you really be in love with someone that you don't really get to spend

time with and really get to know on a personal level? Yeah. Where? It's the thrill. It's the, it's the buzz that you get from doing something that you're not meant to. And then you, it is like a drug that up and down and now you're on that come down of like needing to have like you're going through almost like withdrawal symptoms. I don't know, I feel like it's obviously a tricky situation because you live with him, not live with him, because you work with him

and once you go back to work you're gonna sort of fear bits. There's a problem with ... Don't shit where you sleep. Sitting on your own doorstep like it may seem fun at the time but then those people don't disappear and they're there. your own doorstep. It may seem fun at the time, but then those people don't disappear and they're there. And I can imagine that you must feel some sort of like, not anger, but it's like, I've left my family, I've left my husband, why aren't you leaving yours? But this is the problem when it comes to affairs when you're both in marriages. Sometimes one is willing

and the other one isn't. Yeah. And I hope you do learn from this. I'm not saying this might not have happened if you'd walked away from your marriage earlier, but I know you weren't happy in your marriage before, but I don't believe that's an excuse to make it okay. I know you said the affair was a symptom of it. I think sometimes we need, I'm sorry if this is really brutal, but I think we can be really, to make ourselves feel better, put ourselves to justify our behaviour if we're not in the best head space. But actually and ultimately it was wrong, you were married and whilst you can call it a symptom, it's not, it's a choice. You made that choice every day to message wrong, you were married and whilst you can call it a symptom, it's not, it's

a choice. You made that choice every day to message him, you made the choice to reach out to him, you knew it was wrong. And I think we have to accept the ownership and the responsibility of our actions. And my biggest piece of advice would be to really reflect on this and learn from this. Like you have hurt people and you are being hurt and I'm not saying you deserve to be hurt, but every action has a consequence and you know, if you hadn't let yourself fall in and into this routine, like what Tash said, like, I don't know, it's like the fact you're not even like doing like nice things together and enjoying things and like living like a normal life. You're so secretive and hiding.

Yeah I do. You really love a person. So I think you need to focus on yourself, be strong. I would if I was working with someone I would make sure I'm walking in there with confidence. Like I would be having a glow up, I would be... Do stuff for you. Yeah and be like you know what you've chosen not to be with me actually that's your loss. And don't let him have his cake and eat

it. I know as much as you're probably desperate for him to reach out message you and then you can fall back into those habits but if he's not willing to leave his wife you're now single like start making a life for yourself like do the work, heal, and eventually find someone that is actually available, because I just don't think that relationships that start from cheating are ever gonna end well. I agree. Mm-hmm.

Okay, so this is an update from the email that was called, my fiancé that left me two days before Vegas because I'm fat. I remember that. I remember that too. I don't actually remember the story completely do you? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr He had another woman who he worked with. Another woman? Oh, surprise, surprise. He went on holiday with her three weeks after he left his family, sent me a photo of the two of them while you could only see a bit of her and I was still, still in denial saying to my family, ah, that's not the girl, he wouldn't do that.

Oh, that's not a girl, he wouldn't do that. Well, he did. He then continued to post pictures of her all over his social media saying how lucky he was. In the meantime stopping paying maintenance for his kids and not seeing them or contacting them for three weeks at a time. How could you be with someone that like disregards their kids? I reckon they make out that like they're not allowed.

They'll put it all on the ends. Do you know what I mean? I don't think there's many women out there that would happily be with someone that knows that they don't want anything to do with their kids. That's fucked up. Yeah.

We have been doing mediation and it doesn't seem to be working as he's a narcissist and only thinks of himself. Actually in one mediation he shouted at me that I need to have some sympathy for him. These men do make me laugh. Anyway, I told him. The positive about all of this is that I have learned that I am 100% better off without him in my life.

I didn't realise till recently how badly I was being emotionally treated. You don't, do you? We've always said until you're out of it, you look back and we've both said, it sometimes makes me sad what we've been up with. I feel sad to admit that I wanna go and give my old me a hug. Yeah.

Let's all go and give our old selves a hug. You literally thought so little of yourself that you just thought this was okay. Yeah. No. We're fucking queen. Amen. My anxiety has nearly completely disappeared.

My home is a happy home. The kids are happier and calmer. I don't ever want my girls to think that that is any way to be treated by man and I will protect them from that at any cost. Amen. Love that energy. We always say, if you want to put your kids first, get out of the toxic relationship. There is never a reason to stay for the kids. Like bring them home.

Yeah. It has been two hard months with Christmas in between and I was living on autopilot, but I'm finally content. I'm working hard on myself. A little added bonus is that his bird dumped him. Oh stop it. That is hilarious. Thank you so much for your words. They really have helped me through a horrible time in my life. Do you know what? I my life, do you know what? I really hope that people listen to that, that maybe in those moments of, you know, those dark thoughts and you don't see how life is ever going to get better and how you're ever going to move on from it, that was your person and you're grieving the life that you thought that you were meant to have, it does get better. Like it's never okay to accept that sort of behavior. Like if that person is willing to do things to lose you,

then go and get rid. Because I remember, like it wasn't obviously just like one day I was sad and the next day I wasn't, but I do remember eventually waking up and this was after more so like the breakup with my ex-boyfriend because it was more fresh in my head but just suddenly being like oh like I'm actually happy like and like genuinely waking up with a smile on my face and having that like gratitude and being so

grateful for the things I've got and actually eventually grateful for what I went through because it did change me for the better to be able to show up in the relationship that I'm in now. So just please anyone listening that is in doubt if they're ever going to move on or get over it, like you absolutely will. So thank you for sending that. Please continue those updates. I remember like, it was this time two years ago that my marriage was in turmoil. I was miserable. I was on high alert. I was literally, I think I was living in like adrenaline. And it just makes me so sad that I ever was in that position. But two years down the line, I could not be more bloody grateful to... Be weird.

Be weird. Like, honestly, like just recent events, you know, you look back, you're like... Do you know what else it is? I feel like I remember the anxiety that I had when I, like this is wild, but even when I'd get like a random number calling me, or I'd get a DM from someone that I didn't follow, or a phone call, or even a friend being like, I need you to call me.

I straight away always used to think something, like they're about to tell me that my husband's done something and just like not going to bed with that dread of like is he messaging someone else am I being cheated on am I gonna fuck like it consumed me I genuinely felt that that was just I'd be in my life and that was normal. I completely get it. I just feel really sad for that person going to bed alone every night, thinking there was something wrong with them. My confidence in my marriage was so shocking. Yeah, same.

I mean, my ex slept with his phone, so. Yeah, wild. See you on. Crazy. Are we dating the same guy? Hi ladies, you may recall reading up my situation towards the end of last year, the two scenarios where men were leading a double life and it was long distance relationships. To update, I took your advice after my boyfriend was caught out sleeping

with his ex, who was in fact still his girlfriend when I met him. He's now blocked and I'm getting back to myself. I did start to think about the, are we dating the same guy's pages? As my friend has said to me that he should be exposed as she was convinced he has done this double life stuff before. I haven't ever posted him as of yet because I don't have the guts,

but I do think other women should be warned. But I'm also just thinking I'll move on with my life and it's not my problem though. I just wondered when seeing you post about what we could talk about on the pod what your views are on are we dating the same guy pages? I came across it by seeing TikToks about it and had a look on Facebook and it's safe to say you see it all on there. If you have seen them what are your thoughts on people exposing people on them? Do you think they are a good idea? Just intrigued to know your thoughts. Thanks as always for always being amazing. I feel like there's a catch-22 here because I think it's actually very useful because

if you are dating the same guy. Sorry, can we just pause? How is this even a fucking thing that we have to like look out for? That's the other thing I was going to say, Catch 22, it's like if you're dating someone and you have concerns then maybe you shouldn't be with them. Agree. So but I do think if I found out that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else at the same time, I without a shadow of a doubt, no hesitation would put them on

that website. Like it's almost like to save other women from going through it as well. Like, I'm all for women supporting women and that's what I feel like that page is for. Like, out those men that are fucking scummy, they think that they can just plate all of us off each other.

No, like, most of the time, these women, like, you know, when you find out, oh, he cheated on me, like, you forgive him and then you like, hate on the woman. You know what? It's not the woman. I do also think that, I'm trying to word this because this could come back to bite me in the ass one day, but I feel like unless you're getting some kind of gut feeling that something's wrong, I wouldn't

just like start dating someone and then be like, Oh, is anyone dating this guy? No, but like I feel like it's more what if you find out? Yeah, but I don't do it. Yeah, like you've been like, she's like, I broke up with him. I blocked him. I would then be quite tempted to put him on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I agree. I yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah to shady behavior and red flags and less tolerant and would just be like, nah, rather than having

to get to the point that like, I'll be dating the same guy kind of thing. Does that make sense? Look, I think if you're suspicious about it, absolutely write it on there. Or if you've been done over, at the end of the day, that's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking more if you find out. Like you know that woman that was like, he has six girlfriends. I would be like putting him on there. It's almost like, girls, let's team up together. This man screwed me over.

I hope he's not doing it to you. If I was with someone, dating them, and I had a funny feeling, I wouldn't really do it then. Because one, if he's not dating anyone else you look like a fucking muck. And two if you don't have that trust in them then really I think the answer is don't be with them you don't need to put it up there. I would only be using that for people that like you found out you've ended it and now you want to like stay in love with people.

Or like if you're starting dating someone and they're giving you red flags, don't write them there, just ditch them. Yeah. Like, you don't need to invest energy and time in someone who's giving you red flags. What's your plan? Should we put photos of both our exes on that?

What if, can you imagine, is anyone dating this guy? No, but I did five years ago. I said, no, I did when he was married. Yeah, three kids. And he snagged her, yeah. Oh my God, do you know what? Might have to go to do that. If he pisses me off and I'm joking, banter.

Goes on fast. Affirmation? Affirmation of the week. If you're dating someone and you're worried that they're dating someone else, bin them. Yeah, if you're getting red flag vibes, throw them in the week. If you're dating someone and you're worried that they're dating someone else, bin them. Yeah, if you're getting red flag vibes, throw them in the bin. If you're... let's go with don't ignore your gut. If your gut is telling you something, the likelihood is...

It's not wrong. It's there's something not quite there, but obviously at the same time, let's not mistake gut feeling for like insecurity, paranoid past trauma. Well that might also just be an indicator you're not ready. Mm-hmm. That's a whole other thing, isn't it? Anyway guys, thank you so much and we'll see you next week.

Bye.