Not As We Planned - 77. Me and My Boyfriend Broke Up

Episode Date: February 20, 2025

Carly opens up about her break up, we explain how to move forward and let go of feeling attached to your ex, and managing someone with an addiction. Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys! Welcome back to another episode. So we're gonna start off today with sharing something that has been, well, I guess a big sort of like change for one of us. So I'm gonna pass it over to you, my love.

And we're gonna try and keep it together as much as I can. So I apologize. Your makeup looks so nice. Not anymore. Um, yeah. Um, so me and my boyfriend have broken up. By the time this episode goes out, it will actually probably have been about six weeks. I've not shared anything on social media because it is something I wanted to deal with privately

in terms of, I don't know, just accepting it it and processing it. You know, we were together 21 months and it was the happiest 21 months of my life. Like I've never felt so much love or support or happiness and so much fun. Nothing bad's happened. There's been no infidelity, nothing like that. We live a hundred miles apart from each other and just distance is one. And I think that's one of the hardest things about this breakup is we're two people who are still very much in love with each other, but the logistics of our life just doesn't work anymore. It's the longevity, the plan. I'm not going to go into loads of detail here. Obviously this is something like, it was very real to me and perhaps some people listening might be

thinking I could have told you it wouldn't have worked because you've mentioned distance and stuff before. But I think when you're very much in something like that and you have so much love and you love someone so much, we always thought there would be a way. We always said, like my boyfriend was always like, there's always a way, there's always a way. And I think maybe we did bury our heads in the sand and I'll talk a bit more about it on Patreon because I'm sure you can respect like this is something that does mean a lot to me and it's been a really really hard four weeks. And like one thing I do want to say is going through a heartbreak when you love each other is so much harder than hating someone. And there's part of me that wishes I could just

hate someone and it would be easier. And I just feel angry at the situation but the fact of the matter is it's all things that I have no control over. So yeah, I'm not going to say anything else about it. Like there's literally nothing bad to say. Like the man is the most incredible man I've ever met. I feel incredibly lucky that I had 20 beautiful, happy, fun months. Like, I don't regret a thing. I don't regret introducing him to my kids. Like, any of that. Like, yeah, I'll speak about it a bit more on Patreon, but if... And like, that's what I mean. Like, there's loads to delve into. There was no pinnacle point where something happened. It was probably always there. But yeah, I think I've been dealing with a lot, but actually

I'm also quite proud that I've started to take action already. Sorry, just to say, you haven't just taken action. You've been unbelievable, like you have. I think that, I think also sharing what we go through or personalise on social media and sort of incorporating that with the podcast and what we do. Like it does put on that bit more pressure.

I felt that and like that's, I didn't want to share it because I was still going through it and like you feel this pull that you owe these people things, but it's still my life and it's still meant so much to me that I have, I haven't wanted to share it. And do you know what it's taken me to this point to actually probably accept the reality that that's it. It's really taken me a long time to process it. And you go through that, what's the word, like denial stage, because I planned a life with this man and we planned a life together. But I think I just got to a point where I feel like I'm not showing up online authentically and actually it's consuming a lot of my headspace with I'm starting to get questions like we

haven't seen him online, is everything okay?? I know some of it comes from a genuine place, but I do also know there's nosy people who just want to know gossip. It leaves you in a really difficult position where you are going through something really difficult. I think for me, I'm laying awake. I've literally not slept for a month. No sleep at all. I think my brain is doing overtime.

How am I going to explain this to people? What am I going to say? When am I going to explain this to people? What am I going to say? Like, when am I going to... And I feel like I just needed to get it out there to help myself. And yeah, like I am... I've realized how much growth I've done from my marriage ending now because of how I've taken action straight away. I haven't, don't get me wrong, I have cried every single day since we've broken up, like literally every single day and I am taking it day by day at the moment and some days that's a lot and I'm taking it hour by hour and it is so up and down but straight away I went and started with a therapist. I've done Reiki and yesterday

I saw a psychic and I'm actioning loads of things. I'm journaling like I'm really making sure do you know what maybe now I need to step back and do the work that I couldn't do with someone else or I didn't do before I met him because it is very well known. We got into a relationship very quickly after both our marriages ended and I really want to focus on myself this year. I feel like, yeah, I have to feel excited about the growth that I can make. I want to get to a point where I'm so self-confident in what I bring to the table in like the way I look, the way I am, the way I am as a person. Like I want to get to the point where I'm on such a high vibration and so sure of myself on what I deserve that I'm only going to attract that into my life.

And right now I'm obviously at the point where I'm like I never want to be with anyone again. Like I can't imagine feeling like that. But there's also a big part of me that knows for me. Like, I am, I'm an old soul. Like, I do want forever, and I do want to happily ever after. And there is a big part of me that gets scared I'll never meet anyone again. And I keep trying to interrupt my brain

when it things like that, because I know what I bring to the table, I know I'm a really good person, I know I love with everything I have. Do you know what I think that we need to, when I went through my breakup last year, I think it was very evident, you can see that

like cycle of like healing isn't linear. And I think that when things happen in our lives and we're showing it on our podcasts, on our social media, like you're seeing it real time. Like it is very up and down. And I think that taking into account when you go through that whole grief cycle with a breakup of denial and bargaining and being like, oh, but actually maybe I could, if I did this, then that wouldn't have happened. And then, you know, we've got to go through that process while sharing it. So I think

also it's having that, you know, respect and holding boundaries for us when we do go through things, we share what we choose to share. We also do feel that there is some sort of duty for us to be as honest as we can, but we don't need to, you know. We do it in our... Yeah, we put everything out there. We're still humans, like, going through emotions and like, I'm doing this whilst being the primary parent, trying to hold it together for my kids, whilst trying to hold down work, whilst also going through a really stressful time in my divorce. January has been one of the most testing months and I remember saying last year, January, don't send me, 2025, don't send me any more lessons. And I feel like, yeah, I have been in a really,

really bad situation. And I don't know if anyone will have been thinking this while listening to Carly, but if you go back to the episode, I can't remember what episode it is, I just know that it's called We Broke Up. And I sat there exactly like you, crying over my ex-boyfriend. And I cannot tell you how many things that you have just said that I said. There was still love there. We didn't break up because anyone did anything wrong.

We didn't break up because we didn't love each other anymore. It was the situation within our relationship that didn't work. I didn't want to meet anyone else. I was so worried I wasn't ever going to be happy again. And I feel like they are such normal emotions to feel going through a breakup. And anyone that breaks up with someone who was like,

fuck this, like onto the next, like they're the people that we talk about where we're like, lol, cool, all the best, you've done their work, you're going to repeat history. Like, I remember having that constant battle with myself because I knew that I would only get to a good place if I mentally got there. And I used to punish myself because if I had a bad day and I was really negative being like, oh my god, I'm never going to get over this. Oh my God, I'm never going to meet anyone. Then I talk to myself and be like, Tash, that's going to happen.

Because that's what you're thinking. Oh my God, I'm never going to be with anyone. And I literally have that conversation. What is going on right now is so normal. It's literally been a month, not even that. And I feel like so many people will probably be listening right now, like massively relating, being like, oh, wow. Like some people may even feel like so many people will probably be listening right now, like massively relating, being like, oh wow, like some people may even feel like disheartened because I'm sure that Carly's relationship gave a lot of people hope and they're like, oh now great, cool, well if

that's ended, like all the best to all of us. Like these are things that are meant to happen. Relationships are lessons, like they are for growth, they are for learning what you do want, learning what you don't want. And I feel like, you know, through the last few weeks of helping Carly and talking to her about it, like it has been quite triggering because it was this time last year that I sat in the same spot and broke up with my boyfriend and you relive those feelings. It was grief I had never felt before and my heart has been breaking for Carly because it's not a pain that you honestly want to put on your ass enemy. I was going to say, like, as I've been going through it, I've kind of like written things

down that I thought might help other people because when it happened, like, that first week after you break up is the hardest. So for anyone who might be sitting in that right now, listen to it. I remember like the physical pain and it all came back like it triggered feelings from when my marriage broke down, like that physical pain. I forgot how physical it was. I was having panic attacks. I was throwing up in the night, like I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't eating. I, I dropped a lot of weight in the first like week, two weeks of our breakup and I was, I think because that happened last time, I was so, I think I put more pressure on myself not to let it happen. And I did take more control of it this time. But you're going to see

through this whole experience. I remember like, even like when I was like, I can't believe I walked away from my boyfriend because me a year ago would never have done that. And then you start reflecting on like, actually, I'm fucking a big deal right now. This is fucking amazing. I'm stronger than I realized. When you're put in situations that you have to deal with, you do deal with them. And I feel like, I don't know, I said it at the end of last year that the beginning of 2024 was hell for me. Like it really, really was.

I was like, I hate this year. I can't believe this is my life. I thought I was going to marry this person. And then six months down the line, you look back and I was like, wow, like even now, like now when I reflect on who I was this time last year, because obviously I feel like it's brought up a lot of emotion watching you both do it. I am forever grateful for that relationship

and that breakup. It changed me for the better. And I guarantee it all. I already feel like, you know, like what you said, actually I'll talk about this bit on Patreon because it's a bit more personal, but yeah. That's where I'm at. I am gonna be sharing my healing journey,

things I'm doing to make myself feel good. I am prioritizing myself. I've got this child-free time now that's not spent, we used to spend all our child-free time together, granted, six days a month, it's not a lot of time. Two of those being only evenings, so really four days. That's how it was with a long distance relationship. But I have this time and I really want to invest it in becoming the best version of myself. I really want to look after myself spiritually, emotionally, like in terms of

my health. I've, I feel like there's been a lot of things that have been put on the back burner because you're trying to juggle yourself in so many different places. Um, and adding distance to that. And it's, I've spoken to a few people who have, who are in relationships now, whilst they're co-parenting, and they find that challenging enough. And I was like, let's add in a hundred miles between you both. And it's, it's so complex. One thing I will say, you said at the end of 2024,

that 2025 was going to be your year. As the fan at heart, I still believe it will be. I agree. And you know what? I think it'll be amazing that maybe this year I'll fall in love with myself and that's what I'm holding on to. And guys with that in mind how we always say that we try and take our lessons, we want to like project that out to people, we want to help people. For anyone that hasn't seen it yet it will now be live.

This is the Not As We Planner, the ultimate healing journal. I never in my life did I think I'd be using it. And you know what? We started writing this, I believe in 2023. Yeah. And then some things needed to be changed because I was going through a breakup and I was like, hold on, I needed this and I've done that.

And we're already making adjustments for the next one. Yeah, so it's our little baby. This is the first thing that we have. You know someone going through a breakup, a marriage breakdown, whatever it is. We always used to get questions, what can I get to make support? This is why we've created this. Yeah, so this is that healing Bible that your girlfriend needs, anyone that you know that is, yeah, struggling.

So check it out. The link will be on our Instagram and there is also a link on the bottom of this episode. So make sure you go and check it out. Shall we go into an email? This is called, would I ever stop feeling like I'm cheating on my husband? Oh dear, I don't know. Let's find out.

Hi both. Love, love, love the podcast and have listened to all of the episodes including Patreon. It was so needed early on in my marriage breakdown and I howl at some of the stories you shared. The man obsessed with shit in one of the early episodes was a particular highlight and also made me scared of dating ever again.

Well, yeah, I'm never dating again. We will make sure that you don't get me to that. I have to say, like from listening to all your stories, think I've been put off men for life. I might become a lesbian. I mean, I think women are just as bad. No I'm gonna just live with my two children forever and never let them leave me. Buy some cats. I don't like cats. Do you not? Maybe a dog but then I can't go away. No you'll be fine.

You'll be fine. Do you know what you should do? You should watch the episode back of me and look at me now. It's proof. Like things get better. Oh, they don't. You know it. You say it to everyone. Here's my backstory. I've been with my husband for 12 years and married eight when I decided enough was enough in November 2023. I became his mother. I relate. Why do they always need another mum? Surely one is enough, don't be greedy. And the boundaries I attempted to put into place he ignored multiple times. This included smoking weed at the house. I never told him to stop, I just didn't want it in the house where our kids were. I mean, fair fucking enough. It is big as red sad

for me. If I even smoking to be honest, I think it's not- I've never even tried a cigarette. I have, but I was very young. Driving recklessly with me and the kids in the car, he would get annoyed if I mentioned his speed was scaring me or making me anxious and he actually would speed up more. I don't know.

That is vile. And how he initiated sex, usually whilst I was asleep. Isn't that great? The private... I hope you would wake up and give consent, rather than wake up at the end and be like, why, what's all over me? Stop. Also, his obsession with porn was extreme and I found out that he set up a Twitter slash X account just to follow and watch porn the previous year while still together. I've also previously found him looking at pictures of friends of friends on Facebook and Peenie. No, no.

He insists it was all innocent and the Twitter account was normal. I can't bear it when all these men always do these weird things and then claim all men do it. Do you remember that girl with the A and R who was like, all men do it. It's like, stop dragging. Make them feel, stop dragging the whole population down with you. You're a fucking freak. Like everyone does it. Yeah, you've got issues.

I genuinely felt like a maid, chef and personal sex toy. He even threw a fit when I refused to have sex with him on our last holiday together, where two small children, six and three at the time, were sleeping next to us in a bunk bed. I can't. He said, it's not fair I have to see you looking like that every day and I don't get to have you, as if I was a piece of meat for his pleasure only. I ended up agreeing to have sex with him in the bathroom which was awkward and literally felt like I was doing it to pleasure him only. Compliments were non-existent but on that holiday he made comments on how he liked how other men would look at me. Never you're beautiful. My self-esteem has

never been high so I accepted for a good while that this is just what married life was like and I should be grateful. But after that holiday, I knew I had to leave. It seemed I had been quietly quitting for a while. I feel like, I mean, we say that all the time, that women do, don't they? So the next day after we arrived home, I was sorting the massive pile of washing and he was outside having a fag doing his own thing as usual. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I lost it and told him I was done. This wasn't the first time. He ignored me for a week and obviously thought I'd get over it. I usually would and give in but I repeated what I had said. I got myself a cheap single bed off a face by Facebook. I said off a faceba- facebay. I usually would and give in but I repeated what I had said.

I got myself a cheap single bed and moved into the spare room. He hasn't never asked why. He never fought for me. He just accepted it. It told me all I needed to know in that he wanted it to end like it did. Although we'll plead the victim to his friends and family. We ended up cohabitating for a year before he finally bought me out of our house and I moved into my new home with the kids. I'm incredibly lucky that I have a good career

which enabled me to buy my own house and afford to run a house. I've been here since November 24 and I'm struggling. I tried the dating apps for a few days around Christmas but couldn't bear the thought of people locally seeing me on there. The area I live in is awful for gossip and everyone knowing everyone else's business. It also felt wrong. I got married because I wanted to be with him

for the rest of my life. I never planned on ever considering a different option or path. I just feel stuck. Like even if I consider speaking to another man that I'm essentially cheating on my ex-husband, but I also know I'd never want to go back to him. I also have lost close mutual friends due to our split

and it's all just broken me. I mean, it's really sad when you hear that you've lost friends when you've done no wrong. I guess sometimes it depends on the dynamic. I feel like I guess- Where were they from? Yeah, I guess I could say that I have lost some friends because obviously the men of wives were friends of mine,

but if they were his friends, like, I mean, I'm not saddened by that. It's not like it is what it is. I think that's unfortunately just life. We've not been together in any way since November 23. I should be ready to consider someone else, shouldn't I? How do I move past this feeling of betraying my ex-husband? How do I build my self-worth and confidence

when I've never really had any, hence my ex walking all over my boundaries and he still does with childcare pick-up times? I think I'm a good person. I don't really drink, I don't do drugs. I love and look after my children. I have a decent job. I care about my friends and family.

But because I've not got him and I've lost a couple of decent job. I care about my friends and family, but because I've not got him and I've lost a couple of close friends, I keep doubting myself and thinking, why would anyone want to be with me? I want to do the work, but when my self-worth has always been low, I don't actually know what it's like to feel any different. Your thoughts and advice would be amazing,

and it always is. Keep being incredible besties. I've never knew I needed in some of my lowest points in my life and hopefully I'll make the event at some point in the future sending you both all the love. I don't want to come across really very quickly all sales and gimmicky but the journal will absolutely definitely help you that we have launched because I feel like, first of all, I feel like you're putting too much pressure on yourself to be like, I should be ready today, shouldn't I? Like there is no time

scale as to when you are ready. And I feel like I learnt that very quickly with my breakup with my ex-boyfriend rather than my husband. Because I think I, in my head I was like, so we ended in the January and in my head I was like, just get me to summer. Once I'm in summer, I'll be good, I'll feel good, I'll be over it, I can have like the best summer with my friends and then in September I'll start dating. That was always in my head. And then I remember it hit like April

and I was still on the floor. So I had this massive pressure of like, oh my God, it's been four months. How do I still feel like this? And I came to realize that it isn't about time, it's about maybe looking more at the progress that you've made from day one, rather than how am I not at X yet?

I'm only at Y, but actually it's looking at ABC and the progress. And I feel like if you're not ready, that's so okay. It sounds like you're not ready because you wanna do more work on yourself and figuring out how to do that is, I feel like what you just done and emailed in has probably been work that you didn't even realise

that you were doing. That is a type of journaling, like writing things out, like realising, oh, hold on, I've never really had self-worth. I always thought that my marriage, that was just married life and it is what it is. I think we both definitely thought that I just accepted it. But I think it's maybe even seeking some therapy. Doing things like, well, I guess like Carly, you can maybe talk about like,

I'm doing, yeah, like, so I've booked into this meditation workshop next week and it's all about like self-love, speaking positively to yourself. Like one thing I've done every single day, so I went to Reiki, for those of you who don't know what Reiki is, I did a- How would you even explain it? It's spiritual. So if you're a spirit, like if you're not a spiritual you don't believe in it, it's not gonna be for you. But I just felt like I needed, I needed something proactive. Yeah, I needed some kind of hype. And you kind of, I walked into this room, this lady is amazing.

Is it one-on-one? It was one-on-one. Right. I will share her, like she doesn't really promote on Instagram, she has got an Instagram account, but all her clients are from word of mouth because everyone has such an incredible experience with her. You can choose to talk as much or as little as you want about your situation. I think I cried for like 45 minutes and then you lay on this table and it's basically all about

realigning your, closing your body so anything in your life can knock them off center. So even like physical trauma, like physically having a baby, like anything that everyone should be doing it because people's chakras aren't aligned. And she said where I've never had it before, it was only like the first layer, like there's so much more. They can even tell you when you're like opulating and like they're like, I'm sorry about what happened to my friend. She was the one who recommended. So like, she was going through this court case with her ex about childcare. And like, she had a reiki and she was like, have you, you've been bleeding a lot more

than normal, like on your period and stuff. And she was like, I'm feeling it all around here. And it was all to do with like, her body had bled more because it was like bleeding for her child and like this court case was all to do with the child and like yeah she like, aw it's mad but she's like over you, she does the same with your hand your eyes are closed and you can't see where she is but you can feel it, you can feel warmth, you can feel like that energy, it is the weirdest thing that has ever happened to me and as she's doing it she she makes notes. And then afterwards, she goes through them and she'll say things. She's like, does this mean anything to you? And it honestly, like the stuff that came

up, and it wasn't just to do with like, my breakup, that there were much deeper things. And I think that's one thing like, I'm really realizing like, there's a lot of stuff that I've been through in my life that I've been brought up through this and I think I've never dealt with and that is my sole purpose this year is to really try and do that. And I look, I really relate on like the self esteem thing. Like I think what I'm beginning to realize is I don't love myself or have that self-worth about myself and I think where my boyfriend was so good with his words and always told me I was beautiful and gorgeous and this and that, I relied on someone else to make me

feel that way and I want to rely on myself. And I feel like because you went from being quite broken to meeting him It's no surprise that you felt that way and I feel like it's almost also how I felt Before I met my ex-boyfriend is like you you don't even realize it when you're in it that you think you feel good about yourself It's actually only because of someone else and then once that someone else has gone, you're like, oh no, it was actually just them. That made me feel good. It's not the same. And I wanna believe it like that.

I'm really passionate about that. So like try and do things that are gonna make you feel good. So like I said, I'm gonna prioritize my health, my fitness, what I'm eating. I'm gonna look after, I am very into looking after my skin anyway, but like really pouring in and doing those things

that are gonna make you feel good. Like spending time with people who make you feel good. Like I'm very into like booking spiritual wellbeing things at the moment because they're all about talking positively to yourself. They're all about, I don't know, believing that the universe wouldn't take something away unless something better was coming for you and that everything you have to go through is a lesson and it's all about a big self-development journey. So yeah, I agree, like do the journaling, start really taking care of yourself. Take away the pressure of meeting people, do you know? I think there's so much pressure for, and this is the point I want to get to, I guess know? I think there's so much pressure for, and this is the point I want to get to I guess, but I think we have this pressure and particularly those of us

who are very old school things and love the idea of romance that meeting a man and living happily ever after is the end goal, but actually, like what an amazing thing to actually be able to look back and realise how much you loved and respected yourself and poured into yourself. Like one thing I've been thinking about and been talking about in therapy and actually in a few different ways is that I love a lot. And imagine if I poured the same love that I pour into other people into myself, time. I know when I'm with someone that I literally give everything and I am a very affectionate and a very loving person. I do things to make people feel good and I've never poured that same love back into myself and I feel like that's what is so important

to focus on this year is give that same love you give to other people back to yourself because one day, you know, someone's going to see that and you're only going to attract someone on that really high vibration who has the capability to do that. I agree. I feel like we say it a lot. We say that you attract what you put out there. And I think that that is key for you to kind of like focus on yourself. Like don't, I feel like, like Carly said, I feel like there's this pressure that success can sometimes be viewed about your relationship status. Like if you're married, like you're winning, but

there's plenty of married people, we were them, that aren't happy, that don't get to do what they like to do, that don't lead a life that they're actually, they'll look back on and be happy that they did those things. So I feel like concentrate on yourself. I would recommend getting the journal. I think it will help you because it's a bit more like layman's step by step guide. So I think that a lot of you will find that helpful and thank you for writing in. Concentrate on you.

At the end of the day, I think that you need to remind yourself that you shouldn't feel like you're doing something wrong. You're not with him anymore. He doesn't deserve you. Respect you. So the friends that you've lost, I've lost friends, I have. I lost a best friend, not because I got divorced, but you start realising when you go through good and bad experiences in life that some people show up and others don't.

That's a relationship. Yeah, it's a relationship. Friendships come and go and the good ones will stay. And you'll make new ones as well. Carly and I didn't know each other two years ago. I think you've got to look at it as like cleansing of things you don't need. If they were gonna be in your life, they would be

and they clearly don't serve a purpose anymore agreed Okay Dealing with an alcoholic who never felt any remorse Hello Tash and Carly firstly I want to say thank you for how much you have helped me throughout my healing Whenever I'm in my feels I grab my air pods and we'll put one of your podcasts on cute To say I have had a bumpy ride would be an understatement. I grew up with lots of childhood trauma to then my dad gaining custody of me and my siblings

and bringing us up as a single father. I believe the childhood I had did end up playing a massive part of how my life has turned out and why I chased unhealthy relationships. At 18, I fell pregnant with my first son. I broke up with his dad a few years later and nine years down the line, we have a great co-parenting relationship and I actually forget we were once together.

Throughout the early years of my son's life I had a few relationships that looking back were very toxic. When my son was five along came my soon to be the next baby dad. I'd always known of him as he was a family friend of a friend and me and everyone around me had always known of what kind of person he was. Once we started dating things became serious very quickly, I became pregnant within months and he was very excited to be having his first child and looking back I now see he completely love bombed me. Nine months later I gave birth to our son and this is where the cracks started showing.

I ended up with a c-section so couldn't drive and he would drink alcohol in the evening throughout our relationship but this never bothered me as I was always completely sober and he would never get drunk. It started to become apparent that even though he would have to drive me and the newborn and seven year old home, he could not help himself but have a few drinks. The first realisation that he was an alcoholic was one evening when I was awoken with a loud bang. I must have fallen asleep from exhaustion and he was looking after the baby. The bang I woke up to was him falling over with the baby in his arms due to him being drunk. Luckily

he caught himself and the baby was not hurt. The next two years were nothing short of a nightmare. He would go and walk the dog and come back black out drunk. He'd sit down on the sofa and vodka bottles would fall out of his pocket. Throughout all of this I couldn't leave him alone with either kid so my job, social life and mental health took a massive hit. I would honestly be here for days explaining all the things he would do on a daily basis. He would gaslight me and manipulate me so much that one day I booked an appointment with my doctor thinking I had postpartum psychosis and that I was seeing things that weren't there. Until that evening I found delivery receipts of vodka being delivered at one in the morning whilst I was asleep.

Fucking hell. After putting up with this on a daily basis for two years, I started to realize my eight year old was now speaking to me in the same way my partner was. Oh God. I finally walked out with my boys and a few bags of our stuff. Good for you babe.

18 months down the line and he has not accepted an inch of guilt. He honestly believes that I was the problem in our relationship because I walked out. I've been to therapy and been diagnosed with PTSD. I've done all the reading and journaling and hearing that I possibly can but I still cannot accept the fact I will never get an apology or for him to realize what he has lost. There is, of course, loads more to this story and I've already taken up way too much of your time. If you please have any advice on how to fully heal and finally be at peace then I would

appreciate it so much. Thank you. Do you know, I don't think there's a point where you're fully healed. I think things are always happening in your life. Like, yes, we can tackle trauma, we can face trauma, we can go back and revisit it and try and start healing from it But I also think it's always gonna be part of you and what you've been through I don't think there's ever like right. I've done my healing now Yeah I don't think that's such thing is fully healed because I think that like even in a new relationship Like something will come up and you're like, oh that's new. That's never triggered me before

It's just about Princeton growth, but you're going to always want to grow and in theory, well some people don't but alright the right people will always want to grow and that's because there's always work to be done but I think unfortunately and this is a personal opinion and people can disagree of course but I personally think that with someone who is an addict, it's very hard to watch them do things that you know will ruin them, but they can't see that. I feel like you want to help them, especially if you care about them, but you cannot force someone to do the work. And when addicts are actively using, whether that's alcohol, drugs, gambling, whatever it is, when they are not clean, they can't see anything rational. They can only see themselves, what they want to do. They don't see consequences, they can't feel remorse.

And unfortunately, that is something that you need to eventually learn to accept that you probably won't get that apology, you probably won't get that remorse. And part of the healing process is to almost forgive yourself for holding on to hoping that you're going to get that. Like you almost need to feel more like pity for them than anger that like be grateful that that's not you going through that. They are a victim of an illness that they

can't escape, that they can't get away from unless they're really really willing to do the work, do their 12 steps and stay really focused, they're always going to be unfortunately like reliable on something else. I think the thing you said about the apology as well, I think you need to get the closure that an apology is not actually going to give you the closure anyway. It's just a word. It's a word, people don't mean it. You, I've been in a situation where I've had an apology and had it taken back and, you know, also like what does that word actually mean? It doesn't change anything.

It won't change the past. It won't change how anything ended up happening. I think what you need to do is almost like I said, forgive yourself for allowing the situation to continue or to however long you were in it. I think that's what I needed to do. I needed to let go of staying for as long as I did and realizing that I could have been kinder to myself,

but do you know what? I'm doing it now. I'm making sure that I don't put myself in that position again. I think it's the awareness. You suddenly get this new awareness of the things that were going on around you. And it's knowing, it's being like, look, I'm going to learn from that this time. I'm going to

be more... it's a word. It's a word. Vigilant. That's a word. And I said it before and I will say it again. It is the... oh my God, what is it called? I don't know, but you're saying things like... Prayer. The... Serenity. serenity. Thank you. Yeah, the serenity prayer, it actually, you should live by that in general in life.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change. You cannot change anything other than the behavior and things that you do. You cannot change someone else. The courage to change the things you can, so the courage to make sure it doesn't happen again, do the work on yourself and the wisdom to know the difference between

trying to change someone else and changing yourself. Like we can only work across ourselves, people are going to make their own choices, that's their life, that's their choice. You get one chance at life, if they want to fuck it up, let them do that. That doesn't, you don't have to be dragged down into that. And I think like good for you, like looking back, like you, you've come away from that and don't let him manipulate you in any way to think that you were the one that did wrong because you left. Like you've done yourself and your children a favor. He wasn't safe to be around. He was a liability and by the sounds

of it, he'll continue to be. So you've done really well by getting away from that. Confession of the Week. Thank you for sending them back in. We're going to be on it now. Get them in. If you're on Patreon, we'll put a little group chat. Group, Bruce, for it. Confession of the Week. Okay, this one's funny. Confession of the week. My first date with my husband, who I've now been with for 10 years, I told him that I really liked Harry Potter because he did. On our first date, he took me to the Harry Potter studios

and I had to spend the whole date pretending I knew what was going on and I really enjoyed it. Safe to say, I'm still not a Harry Potter fan and he now knows that I completely lied. It's cute. Oh, that's so funny. I mean, that would be dream day for me. I'd be fucking buzzing.

I've got an affirmation. Okay. And this is something I've been doing every single day since I had my Reiki. Okay. So anyone who's in the midst of it right now is I want you to say it to yourself and I've been saying this out loud to myself whenever my brain gets sad or negative thoughts

or you go into overthinking, it's, I am going to be okay. I am going to be okay. And it's really pulled me out of, yeah, I am going to be okay. Thank you so much. And be kind. Yes, you will be kind. Leave a review, go and join Patreon if you haven't already and we will see you again next week. Bye.

Bye.