Not As We Planned - 78. His Accountant Sent Him Vagina Pictures

Episode Date: February 27, 2025

Finding out your husband is having a fling with his accountant! Having to come clean to your ex about your secret new partner and learning to finally DO THE WORK! Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shop Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals although I feel that I am one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties.

Hello guys! Hi, welcome back. I think we need to obviously quickly talk about the event of the year. Guys, we did our live event last Saturday. I've been... We're both dead. It was beyond what we anticipated it being. It just was so, so incredible, like having that many people in one room

who'd come to see us. Everyone was like in this like, it was almost like a reception area. Reception area, and then me and Tash opened the door and there was just all these people and I just stood there and I went, ah! Like it just felt so surreal. Yeah, we want to thank every single person for coming.

Like there was one girl who was so lovely. She flew on her own from Scotland, had never been to London before. And then there was another girl from, I think Glasgow, she drove trains, she drove six hours on her own. It was just, do you know what's really nice? Whenever we, I say whenever we do it, like we do it all the time, there's only our second event. But I've had so many people message me saying that the warmth and the environment in the room, there was no cleakiness. Bearing in mind there's 90 women in one room. Also, can we just say that I'd probably say 70% of the people in there came on their own.

Yeah. Which is wild. So uncleaky, no bitchiness. It was like everyone just like respected each other. That was wide open and like people were making WhatsApp groups and people. Like a load of them had stayed at the Premier Inn and there was like 18 people came from the Premier Inn and loads of them had met on Patreon. They'd like planned this whole thing. Like then apparently like the staff, they were like,

are you here for the man hating event? It was really nice. And I also think it was really cute when you see in all the messages and patron, like people being like, I'm coming from Wales, then I want to like jump in the car with me and we can share the petrol. It was just the most wholesome. It was just so nice and we both did massively have like imposter syndrome. We had people buying our journals and asking us to sign it. I was laughing when I was asking for photos and being like, I love you. And I was just like, well, I remember when I was going up to people, I felt awkward in case they didn't know who I was. They'd be like, why are you coming over and talking to us? But it was just so nice and it's just given us this

big boost for what is to come because we have so many plans and it wouldn't be possible without you guys. So honestly, like really- I feel like it's something we've been counting down to and obviously we booked it a while ago and I always saw my boyfriend being there with me and I think I've had this enormous anxiety leading up to it. What if someone asks why he's not here? Obviously, at the point of our event, I hadn't wanted to speak about it. I didn't want to make our event about that. I also didn't feel ready to speak about it.

I'm still at a point where I can't really speak about it, probably without crying, and I didn't want that to become the event. We had a backup plan and no one asked when we were're doing like the Q&A. I did have a couple of people ask me and bless there's one girl shout out Shani. We were talking and I just burst out crying and I literally had to run out the room. I love her. And she followed me out and she was like I'm so sorry for intruding. I cannot tell you, she was exactly what I needed. She stood there, she'd been through a breakup since. She'd been through something similar.

And it was just, yeah, it just made me realize what community we'd built that I felt safe. And yeah, it's been one of those things that I wanted to mentally tick off. It was another thing, I'm doing this without him. Like, I knew it. I knew it. And we smashed it and it was a genuinely like a night to remember and we loved it.

And we wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone who's purchased one of our planners so far. We are blown away by your orders. Yeah, grab one. This is our plan. I just want to say like when we were creating this healing journal. We started beginning in 2023. Never did I expect that it would be something I was using,

ever, I thought, I thought this was forever. And I have been using it to help me. And you know what, there's a couple of exercises in there that I've done that have been really insightful and helpful. So if you do know anyone going through a breakup, and I'm not just saying it because it's our product, like we've purposely curated these exercises andote it things were changed and altered as I was going through a breakup and now we were already I've already started making notes for what to add for volume 2. Yeah so here it is guys and make sure you go and purchase it it's 25.99 it's on our website www.notasweplanned.shop

and yeah it's also just like the perfect present for like Mother's Day. Any single mum friends that you've got, anyone that's going through a breakup, anyone that needs to do the work or wants to do the work, it's genuinely like when people say to us that how do you do the work? What do I need to do? I get messages daily.

Like I've just broken up with my boyfriend. I've just, my husband's just walked out on me. Like I don't know how to feel better. This is how you're going to feel better. I also want to say on the healing part of stuff, like I am very much in the zone and like I'm on it. Like I am taking responsibility, I'm taking accountability to do the work. And I just want to shout out Shelley again. I know we spoke about her last week, but I actually would feel lost without her.

And she also has a book that I'm actually listening to on audio, it's Healing from Heartbreak. Again, Healing Your Heartbreak, sorry. It's got some really good exercises in there. And one thing I did, and that I've realized how much progress I've made over the last few weeks, is there was an exercise

that I got to and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't. I saw it and I was like, okay, I'm not listening anymore. Like I'm not, I'm not ready to tackle this. And last week I did it and it's, I feel like that it's just accelerated me to the next part and it's something I've done and it felt really good to get out on paper. Do you remember what I said to you? It's not about looking at the time and being like, oh it's been three months, how am I not over it? It's looking at the actual progress and how you are from one day to the other, how you are from this week to last week. A hundred percent.

And looking at that time scale rather than how am I not over it yet, it's been this amount. Do you know like, I think one of the biggest things for me is when you're going through a heartbreak you feel like you must be the only person in the world who feels this intensely. But you know, things like with our planner, things like with working with Shelley, like you realise how common it is and that so many other people do the work and then they're okay and that we're not the exception. And I'm at a point where I know I will be okay. I need to keep pushing on with the work and when, you know, when I have

those sad moments, I'm almost welcoming is the wrong word, but I'm letting out the emotion I need to let out. I'm done penting up the way I feel. I'm done trying to put on this really strong facade. Like, I have really struggled with this. This is a lot harder than dealing with being hurt by someone's actions, by someone not being considerate of your feelings. This is trying to heal from someone who you know you both love but there's factors you can't control and I think that can be really, really frustrating. But one thing that's really helped me is trying to accept their circumstances that I can't change. So why am I obsessing over something and trying to conjure up ways in which I can when I can't?

So it's almost like accepting it's done now, like, I do want to be happy again, I do want to fall in love again. I know that's not on everyone's radar, I'm not saying I want to go meet someone else, I absolutely don't. I want to focus on me and I want to focus and get to a point where... do you know what? One thing I've realised, and I guess this is probably from being in a long distance relationship where we didn't see each other loads and having young kids who go to bed early, but none of this is about me not being able to be on my own. I think what I've realized is I'm very comfortable in my own company.

I've always spent my evenings on my own. And even when I've had my kid free weekends, I quite like it, but I don't wanna get too comfortable with being completely on my own and isolating myself from things. So I've really started to book in things with family and friends. When we were on the way back from the event, I've really like started to book in things with family and friends like when we were on the way back from the event I've always selected you. One of my

best friends came to the event with me and then we've got our whole girl group to sign up to do the three peaks challenge. So we're going to climb three peaks in 24 hours. So we're going to do it in May. And like just doing things like that. I've also like revisiting like when I first broke up with my ex boy No, my ex-husband. I wrote a divorce bucket list and I've ticked a couple of things off But this year I'm gonna have fun. I'm gonna go and do some of the crazy shit I've got on that list some some of them are wild some of them aren't so wild But I went to a road trip. I was gonna say I really need to do that Could we maybe do it on a Thursday?

Yeah. Or like a Friday night? Yeah. Can we come pick it in today? Yeah, I've got an eye on it with me. OK, because I really need to go. I have a lot of anger, not about my ex-boyfriend, not about my ex-boyfriend.

I have anger issues. About some other insignificant human in my life. But um. Resson. But yeah, I could do with an anger room. A rage room, that is on my list. I'm gonna shit. That is on my list.

Um, I'm getting a piercing next week. Woo, woo, woo. What is it with it? I got my lips done. I don't know where. I got my lips done and I got my second hold all week. Second pre. No, now I've got my third. Now literally, my ex-boyfriend, I'm a different. I've got my lips done, I've got my second hold on. Are you fucking crazy? No, now I've got my third.

Woo! Now literally, my ex-boyfriend, I'm a different person since I met. Can I just say that the reason there's not a skydive and a bungee jump on my list, I've already done both those things. Eww! I know, I'm fucking awesome. I am so cool! I've done some crazy shit in my lifetime, like got a tattoo in Thailand.

That was my biggest regret in life. Oh, you got that on it, is it on your foot? Yeah it's half a root and I need to carry on doing that. My mum told me not to get a tattoo on my foot when I was in Thailand, so on my last day in Thailand I got a tattoo on my foot. I hate my tattoo. I hate my tattoo. Where's yours?

Like, like, is it, what is it? My heart is like in my nickel line. Eww. You're gonna get a root. Is it? What is it? My heart is like in my nickel line. Eww. I know. You're gonna get a root. It's massive. It's not visible to anyone unless they're down and naked. So I'm not going to need that pain.

Oh, it's so bad. I need to actually book it in. Yeah, but- But it's Oxxymeth from doing- Shall I read you a couple more things? Oxxymeth from doing only burns. Obviously I'm joking. Huff.

Shall I read you a couple of lines? It's like you're getting your oil off your foot, no? For my, so I can, I have got another foot. I'm ready for your feet. But yeah, and a couple of my things. So a couple of things I'd done, and was ride a motorbike, hike somewhere beautiful, Botox, Eiffel Tower flashing lights,

stay in a tree house, gondola in Venice. So I'm grateful I've done some of those things, but I've still got a bloody long list of some stuff I haven't done. Like some are more tame than others. One, save some turtles. I don't know why I'm going to do that. Save some turtles? Just randomly. Like in Bali or something. All right. What do you need, Ma?

I want to do a pottery class and let's make something. All right, what do you need mine? I want to do a pottery class and let's make something. Yeah. Sound bath, meditate, I'm going to a meditation thing next Friday as well. I did, but I did it on, we went on like this baby moon retreat thing that we got gifted and my ex-husband is so, is like the least spiritual person you'll ever meet. He thinks it's all shit. And like, he just killed the vibe of being in that room. Like, yeah.

Kite bugging. It's been what? Kite bugging. What's that? When there's like a kite and then you're in a buggy and it's like, I'm probably in love. There's some really cool stuff. One of them is going on a solo weekend away abroad on my own.

So there's some stuff and I'm going to document it this year. I'm going to do some stuff for myself. If you've got anything else to add, please send them in because I want to be in the spot. And if anyone knows where she can say some turtles. If anyone's given me an experience, please do. Anyone has a gift or a task to say. What would you marry him? No, I'm not going to keep as a coserto. I just want to like, you know, when you like get them and then you like them back into

the ocean. Yeah. And be like, run free little one. Anyway, I'm like, I said this to my therapist this week and she was like, you need to write this down. I was like, I am extraordinary. I'm not. Do you mean extraordinary?

Extraordinary? I can't say words, extraordinary. I'm extraordinary. I'm an extraordinary human. And do you know what? I'm special and I have fun and I have a lot of life with me and I wanna find a life partner who wants all the fun shit with me.

And when I get crazy ideas like this, instead of being like Carly or Cuckoo to be like when we're going. I think I sound drunk right now and I've not had a drink of alcohol. I think one day we should do podcast drunk. That'd be funny. I was really tipsy at the event actually, because I didn't eat all day. I only had three drinks. I had one. Anyway, should we? Yeah, let's do that.

Sorry, I'm gonna end up talking about turtles for the rest of the episode. Okay, this is called Ladies, Urgent Advice Needed. I'm spiralling. Dear Carly and Tash, I recently learned something that I'm really struggling to process and I could really use your advice on how to handle it.

A new friend of mine has been incredibly supportive during a difficult time and I've come to enjoy her company. However, during a recent conversation she confided in me that she's involved in a long-term affair with someone who has a partner and a young child. She spoke about it with excitement and when I gently tried to offer another perspective reminding her of the potential harm to his family, she dismissed my concerns. Her reasoning was that she's had a hard life and deserves to be happy. The situation has been weighing heavily on me, not just because I disagree with what she's doing, but because she doesn't seem to care about the impact it could have on his family. She justifies her actions in a way that shows she's not open to hearing another point of

view. On top of that, if this ever came out it could seriously affect her career as she's a successful local business owner, which is how she met him. Yet she seems unconcerned about the consequences. The man involved has made it clear he won't leave his partner and they seem foolish enough to think that she won't find out. I did tell her, babe, she already knows, I guarantee she has a gut feeling. Her response was that the partner keeps asking him if he's having an affair but he denies it. As a married woman myself, who at one point had a gut feeling about her potentially having

a thing for my husband. I'm struggling to process this. Before we became friends I had a gut feeling that you both often talk about. At the time I thought it was about my husband but it's provided enough evidence that nothing happened and I truly believe him. I now find myself wondering if that gut feeling was actually about her all along. Almost like I knew from the start that she was involved in something like this. Should I distance myself from her, say something more to her about how I feel, or should I try and compartmentalise and separate my friendship with her from the choices she's making? I felt incredibly uncomfortable holding on to this knowledge and I'm not sure

what the next step is. I should also mention that this conversation took place while we were drinking, which has only made it harder for me, for my sober self to process everything. She's put me in a position where my values and my boundaries are being challenged and I'm unsure how to move forward. I'd really appreciate any advice and looking forward to hearing from you. Yours, a die hard Patreon listener, supporter and commenter. Aw, cute. I think it's a really hard situation because it's like what we've always said about getting involved in other people's business. If it was me, I would personally,

rather than get involved, would take a step back from that friendship. Should I just say it's a new friend? Yeah, I would take a step back from that friendship. Should I just say it's a new friend? Yeah, I would take a step back and do you know what if she asked why and noticed a change of behaviour I would be honest and say I feel really uncomfortable with the way you're behaving. I understand what you told me about, you spoke to me about, and confidence but I have really strong values and it makes me feel uncomfortable and I would just be really upfront and honest. The thing is I believe that it's like any friendships or relationships in your life, they should

only come into you if they provide happiness, if they add extra to your life, anything that's bringing you extra anxiety and worry. Like bad energy. Yeah, like negative energy. I'm a big believer of protecting your energy. Like you don't need negative energy invading your space. And I would hold my boundaries. I would step back, you know, I would probably not text back. You know, I would, I would just really reevaluate it. I don't think it necessarily needs like an announcement, like I'm taking a step back,

but I would just make kind of like subliminal little messages of me actioning that. And yeah, do less. Like you don't wanna, you don't wanna get involved in the middle of it. That's the thing. It's interesting that you feel like maybe she had some involvement with your husband as well. Bad egg.

Like I don't know what to show. I've had a relatively similar situation. And my suggestion would be to, at the end of the day, you've given her your two pence, she didn't want to hear it. So now I think it's time to remove yourself from the situation. I think that you don't wanna be involved

or sort of like associated with that sort of behavior. I feel like, don't get me wrong, there are some friends I have where we've got different values, different morals. I have some friends that do drugs, I don't. That doesn't make them a bad friend to me. People can do what they want. But I feel like when someone is actively doing something

that you so strongly don't agree with, I found it quite uncomfortable. And yeah, I think that we're probably all at an age now where it's sort of like, you don't need to stay friends with everyone. You don't need to please everyone. And the fact that it's sort of like you don't need to stay friends with everyone, you don't need to please everyone and the fact that it's a new friend and you're not even holding on to sort of like history of what your friendship used to be like, I personally wouldn't give her the time of day.

Agree. Yeah, she sounds like a bad egg and sounds like bad things will probably surround her as well. Relationships, boundaries, it's not okay. Yeah. That back. Don't like that at all. Okay, his accountant sent him vagina pictures.

Hey ladies, I've been a listener since the beginning and always thought I'd send in my story and never got round to it. So I thought no better time than the live event. Oh, so it was someone who sent this in for the live event. Oh. Rewind 2019 in the Happiest Little Family Bubble, two kids I really believed we had the fairy tale that I only ever dreamed of. And that's when I found everything out. One Sunday in the May, I had a really stressful day with the kids so my partner encouraged

me to go for a drink with my mum to let off some steam. I got home with my kebab in hand and my phone had died. Hugh me reaching for my partner's phone to scroll social media whilst I drunkenly ate my food. I genuinely wasn't snooping, naively, I never ever thought that I needed to, and would have put my life on the fact he wouldn't cheat. See that's wild to me. It's wild to me when the people that are cheating, you get no gut feel, no signs, like that must hit you. Psychopath.

That must hit you like fucking hard. A Snapchat came up, ick, what a nice man uses Snapchat, true. From a guy who was one of his friends. Sorry, I thought he was gonna be gay. I opened it to reply to said friend, and it in fact was actually a woman who we will call Sally for the sake of this message. She was the accountant at his another work place of

work. Another one? So like yeah, street work isn't it. My stomach sank as I realised he had actually renamed Sally as one of his friends names to avoid me finding out. Luckily for me, Snapchat somehow saved some of the messages they had sent back and forth dating back to 2016, which was when our first baby was born. The messages were vulgar, asking for blow jobs in the work car park, asking her to wear certain tights and skirts to work and to pull him into the work cupboard again.

This makes me eligible to be sick. And I think I'm going to be single forever. She went on to saying these messages that he should feel grateful as she had just sent in her words a picture of her vagina. In my drunk and confused state I woke him up and confronted him and the worst thing about all of this whilst I was heavily pregnant with our second, I went to a work event with him where he allowed me to sit next to her, chatted to her and more embarrassingly I ate her pudding because I was unable to drink due to being pregnant and little did I know she and him were having this little fling on the side.

I confronted her and she tried to deny it before I sent her the screenshots of everything and rightly so I gave her some verbal abuse. My heart broke. I didn't know how to be alone, financially, mentally, emotionally, so I agreed to give it another go, even though I knew in my gut I shouldn't. It all came to a head in the May of 2020 during the pandemic when he gambled a lot of money one evening and I decided me and the kids deserved better. Good for you. We are now five years on and genuinely have the best co-parenting relationship.

He's not a bad person, he's just a bad partner. I relate. I'm not a bad wife. That's what I've always said, he's not a bad person, he was a bad husband. And we just weren't right for each other. I guess I'm just writing in to say it doesn't always have to end in heartbreak. It's okay for families to break up. Initially I held a lot of guilt that I was choosing to not be with the father of my kids and how would I teach children self-respect if I stayed in that situation. He's an amazing dad, has him two nights one week and four nights the other and supports him through everything. I can call him like a friend if I need help

but honestly I try to just be independent and genuinely love my life. I don't regret him, he gave me my children and I learnt a whole new version of self respect in the process. I live alone with the kids, have two businesses and a great family and friends and so for anybody riding the waves of a fresh break up of family just know that it can and does get easier. I'm so happy and feel genuinely really proud of myself for choosing my self respect and choosing to be happy. Thank you for listening to me Waffle, I genuinely have wanted to send this in but didn't find the right time. It felt right when I found your guys' pages and podcasts as I relate to pretty much everything you guys refer to and I recommend you to all my friends."

Yeah, thank you for that. You should be proud of yourself and I feel like you're probably listening to that. It just shows you how far you've come. To be able also to come out of that and have a decent co-parenting relationship, that's what your kids will appreciate when they're older. I wonder what that accountant is doing now with her vagina. Yeah. Do you know what? It is like choosing that that self respect and it can be hard. It's not as simple as that and sometimes we need to go back a million times and learn the hard way and don't want anyone listening to that thinking, God, like I wish I could find that strength. You will and everyone has the light bulb moment where they wake up, they see what's

really happening in front of their eyes and they're like, not a chance is this going to be my life. And I think that's, that is the reality for so many of us. And I think when you finally decide like not to place the be-all and end-all on keeping your family together, like I know my situation right now is pretty rubbish in terms of I'm heartbroken, I'm still not bloody divorced, like stuff is, is hard right now for me, but I'm also feeling incredibly grateful of I'm heartbroken, I'm still not bloody divorced. Like, stuff is hard right now for me, but I'm also feeling incredibly grateful that I'm no longer with my ex-husband. And it's taking small wins and looking back and, you know,

seeing how far you've actually come up. Seeing how far you've come. Amen. Okay, this one is called, "'I Will Make Your Life a Living Hell' "'If You Move On Before Me'." Said by men. Said by her ex-husband.

Oh, okay. Standard. Hi ladies, checking in from the land down under. Yeah, I know. I know, I know. Who knows any turtles? The girls bathroom are in tour in Australia. Failure at the moment, I really wanna go.

Goals. That's absolute goals. Can you imagine if we ever did a live event in Australia. Failure at the moment, I really want to go. Goals. That's absolute goals. Can you imagine if we ever did a live event in Australia? Dead. Oh my god it would be sunny. Not necessarily. But we'd go for summer. Yeah. I'm not going when it's cold. No, hell no. Okay. Firstly I love the podcast. Secondly prepare yourself to listen to the complete fuckery I have bestowed upon myself through my selfish decision-making. Done.

My husband should be ex-husband if divorces were straightforward. Ugh, here you go. And I separated almost two years ago. We have a beautiful son together and co-parent very well. It's taken us a while to get to this stage, but we both now realise that we are doing the best for our child and we seem to be on the same page about this. A few months after our separation, I began dating someone.

We'd been somewhat friends before this and things fell into place very naturally. He is my best friend and treats me like a queen or a goddess as he likes to call me. We have created a beautiful relationship very much like the relationship I always dreamed of having with my husband. You're giving me hope that maybe it's someone local. Yep. And I'm certain we will be together for a long time. This is where it gets messy. He's already met my son and I and spent a considerable amount of time with him. I've heard your stance

on this before and I too agree that this is disrespectful to my ex. Particularly as he is such a good father and co-parent to our child. He had met my son before us ever being together as he was already a part of my life in a small way as a friend and my ex-husbands also met him before. This isn't a way of justifying it but I guess it is how I've been justifying it to myself to make it easier to manage. My current partner and I have been together over a year and a half now. Our goal this year is to eventually live together so now is the time I absolutely have to tell my ex that we are together. Oh he doesn't know we're together. Wow, you've done well with keeping that.

How, has your son met him? How old's your son? Maybe he just sees it as like a friend, like maybe they're overly affectionate in front of each other, in front of the kids. Yeah. My ex-partner is 100% not over us. He hasn't moved on and still to this day begs for another

chance. Tells me about how he has changed and asks for us to give it another shot for our little boy. He told me that if I ever moved on before he does, he will make my life a living hell and I wholeheartedly believe that he will. I guess by knowing this, it's put me off telling him to protect the peace of an otherwise lovely co-parenting relationship. I can understand that, but I also feel like you not letting him know that you are taken has probably allowed him to hold on to hope for a year and a half. I tried to wait until he moved on first, hoping that it would ease the blight, but he hasn't and I'm running out of time. Oh, my little boy is now almost three

and turning into a chatterbox. Oh, God. He says my new partner's name all the time and is obsessed with him and I know he will eventually say it in front of my ex. Do you ladies have any clue how to navigate the situation? I really feel at a loss here. I know the result of me telling him about my new partner

will be catastrophic for our co-parenting, but I'm running out of time and then really need to break the news, appreciate any advice. It's like a plaster, you just got to rip it off and do it. At the end of the day, you're not together anymore, you're allowed to move on with your life no matter what threat he makes, no matter how angry he is about it. You are allowed to be happy, you are allowed to move on. And you know what, I've experienced it where I know my ex wasn't happy I moved on. I think it's something he really genuinely struggled with. And I think a lot of that is definitely an ego thing. Like how dare you be so caked out there.

Well I also guess for them it's that final acceptance of the reality of the situation is that you said he's been trying to get you back, trying to get you back, it's also, well, I also guess for them, it's that final acceptance of the reality of the situation is that, like you said, he's been trying to get you back, trying to get you back, that's going to cement that he's not getting you back. And I think you've just got to be brave with it. Like you don't owe this man anything. I think the only problem is with all due respect, you've got a year and a half lying and that's a year and a half of your son being in someone like being involved with your partner without him knowing and I think that in a way you almost need to own that a bit because I don't think that is right. If I found out that my ex-husband had been with someone for a year and a

half that my kids had been involved with and I knew nothing about, I think you need to hold your hands up and take some responsibility for that and realise that although he doesn't have the right to make your life a living hell because you've moved on, he has the right to be upset and annoyed with the fact that you haven't been completely honest with him. I probably, I don't know if this is the right thing to say, I probably wouldn't be completely over sharing about how long you've been with this man. No, it's going to come back to bite you. Yeah, but I think it's... I think it's obviously hard because your son knew him before, but I still don't think that's

right. No. If that was me, I'd like you to... The thing is, you don't have a right to tell your ex that you're seeing someone if you don't want to. But when a child is involved, I think that's where it then becomes a slightly different situation. Right, a thing to do.

So I would maybe go in by saying to him like, this is something that I wanted to share with you. I had been holding off because I wanted to make sure that we were serious enough before I put it out there and didn't want our relationship to change because we co-parent so well and I was thinking of our son. However, I am with someone now. He has met our son and we are getting quite serious now and I wouldn't maybe put a timeline on it or anything. I'd maybe try and avoid the nitty gritty detail

as best as you can without lying. Just almost say like, yeah, we've been together quite a while now I'm not really sure like when it started because we were friends at the beginning but it has progressively like grown into something more serious so now I want to let you know do you know I mean I go down that road. Sort of white lying slightly bending the truth keep us updated stand your ground but take some accountability I would say. All right this one might be a little bit soon but we'll see. It's called break up after divorce. Hi ladies I just wanted to write in as I feel I can really relate

to you both and just want some advice. I was with my daughter's dad for seven years, had the house, the stability etc but at the end he cheated on me with a work colleague. ANOTHER ONE. Fuck, when my daughter was 8 months old, slept with her in my bed, really broke my trust and made me think I would never be loved or have that love. Then after around a year I met someone else and we had insane chemistry that I had never felt with my ex. I never doubted his love for a minute and he was the most loyal trustworthy man. He moved in and raised my daughter from age 2 to 4

and the relationship they had honestly melted my heart. However, sadly as we got deeper we just didn't have the same life goals or interests etc and so mutually ended it a year ago. It broke my heart and broke my heart watching my daughter grieve for the man who was a second dad to her. We have still been in contact for the last year, probably seeing each other once every week or two weeks, although my daughter is not aware of this. He has come round in the evenings sometimes just for sex, sometimes just to chill or catch up or spend time together. He has always felt myself safe place. Over this year I have tried to move on and been on dates with other people but I have never lost that love for him and never felt the

same. I have called him to pick me up from dates that honestly I've just felt so sad on and wanted to go home for a cuddle or times my train has been cancelled or I've needed help and he's always been there. Anyway today I found out via social media that he's with someone else now. I last saw him 3 weeks ago and I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I know this is ridiculous since we split a year ago now, as you girls have said, sadly love isn't always enough and I know he isn't the right person, but I don't know how to get rid of the love I still have for him in my heart and honestly worry that I'll never have that for anyone again. I know if he called me and still be there in the heartbeat. I really want to move on and meet the right person and be happy again, but I just wish

he could have been that person. Thanks girls, love the podcast. I think the problem with your situation is you never went no contact. And this is a prime example why you need to because you've actually openly said in that email that you know that he's not right for you. So what you've done is, you know how I said that time is only a healer if you actually do the work in that time and you have kept the contact, you've kept the sleeping together, like you cannot move on from someone when you were doing something like that. So I think that you may not see it now, but him actually being with someone else is going to do you a massive favor

because it's going to push you to do the things that you needed to do a year ago, going no contact, cutting him off. And I promise you, if you actually do the right things, you will move on from him. And you've got to remind yourself that you don't even think that he is your person. I'm not just saying this.

One thing I don't even think that he is your person. I'm not just saying this. One thing I don't want to ever come across is that we are trying to push our journal as like a selling ploy and that it's a cop-out and we're not giving advice. Every bit of advice that we both genuinely believe in and what we think you need to do in order to move on from someone is in that book. And one of the things that I would tell you to do, which is pretty much I think one of the first exercises in that book is make a list of about 25 things of the benefits of not being with him because you've obviously already said that you didn't really have the same like interests and like life goals. Like there's probably loads of things that you could write

down and you need to remind yourself that like, if you can still and love that way about someone that's not right for you, imagine feeling those things for someone that is right for you. I don't know if you want to... Yeah. I guess I'm quite lucky in the sense he lives a hundred miles away, so we haven't been able to turn up on each other's doorsteps. I feel like if one of us was to turn up at each other's house it just cements the idea of how long distance doesn't work. It takes two hours to get there. We haven't seen each other since we broke up. We have spoke twice on the phone and each time that's taken me backwards. I felt like

there were some, I don't know, you know, there were just some questions or just some final things that we wanted to say to each other and I'm glad we've done it. But one thing I'm really clear about now is there's going to be no more contact because like people have said to me, like, you love each other so much, like I'm sure you can stay friends. Like, absolutely not. I can't. Who said that? Like, I think people, some people have been around us and seen what we're like together,

like it's a stupid process. I cannot be friends with someone that I love. Like, and we both said it like to see the other, it would work for a short amount of time, but it wouldn't work because you would never be friends. I'll never be friends with him because we loved each other. And you know, when one person moves on, that's incredibly difficult and then you've wasted all those months doing no healing. And for me, that

is something I'm sticking with now, absolutely no contact. I do think that's where it's gone wrong, like still being in each other's lives, you're not allowing yourself to move on. And I will say like over time, like, because I don't feel like you've ever had the full acceptance that it's over. I think you've always held on to some kind of hope that he'll come back to you. He's been there, he's picked you up from bad days, he's sleeping together. Like, no, like you need to make yourself completely unavailable to him. Like, yeah, like block him, delete his number. Like I found this like the hardest thing to do. Like obviously it's hard for me.

I've got an open profile. If he really wanted to look at what I was doing, he probably could. You know, he could be listening to this podcast for all I know. But I know I don't have access to what he's doing. And that's a good thing. Like that's a good thing. That would,

it would break me to ever find out that he's seeing someone else. And obviously it's going to happen but I'm hoping because of the distance and because of the blocking and because of everything else I don't ever know. But that is what you need to do. Again, you need to start doing the work yourself. That's one thing I'm proud of this time round, is like, I have massively taken accountability for my own healing. It's like what I said, I can't, I think I said it on Patreon, but like, I refuse to spend another year being miserable. I spent so long in my adult life in a marriage where I was miserable and thinking that was okay. And so I think as soon as you accept your circumstances and you think, what am I gonna do to change this?

What am I gonna do to be happy? I'm gonna work for myself. I'm gonna do things that make me feel good. Like for me at the moment, I'm massively pouring into like, I've started really like looking after myself in terms of nutrition. I've been going to the gym at least three times a week. I've been carving out time for me.

Like there were times like in my relationship, there were two days a week where we would do our FaceTimes because he wouldn't be working because he didn't have the kids. So we'd be doing them earlier. So those evenings were off the cards. Now I do my work on those evenings and I make time for me to go to the gym in those days.

Like things I wasn't able to do, I'm trying to find the benefits of not being in the long distance relationship. you know, things like we often wouldn't speak when he had the kids till 10, 10.30 at night once the kids were in bed and I wouldn't go to bed till like 11, 11.30 at night. So I'm looking for the pros of not being with him. I'm going to bed early, I'm getting into bed at nine o'clock, I'm journaling, I'm doing the work, I'm really conscious about all the things that I can do.

Yeah, taking responsibility for the things I can do to make sure I get over him and I do the work and I heal from this because we can sit there feeling sorry for ourselves, wishing, hoping, God, like if it was down to me and I could fix my situation and get back with my ex, I probably would because I love them and I still do, but I can't change anything. So you've got to take that accountability and start being like, do I want to carry on pining after someone I know isn't right for me? No, do the work.

Except the things you cannot change. Exactly. Courage to things. Huh? Just make it up. Yeah. Yeah, so it's time to go and do the work and I think you all look back and be grateful

that he closed it off in a way that's like, sort of like making you now do it. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay, should we finish with a little affirmation? Do the work. I will. I will help.

And I will do the work. Do the work for you only, not for anyone else, 100%. Amen, thank you guys so much. I will see you again next week. Bye, love you, bye.