Not As We Planned - 79. Something Is Wrong With Me?

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

We both deeply reflect on our previous relationships after divorce and how we came to accept they weren’t right for us, and we also discuss why it’s important to know as single mums what we offer to the table, knowing our kids are not bagge but a privilege! Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shop Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel like I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello everyone. Hi guys, welcome back. I'm gonna apologise in advance now, I feel like I'm now the one that sounds like Chucky from the Rugrats. I have done my stint so you keep that in the line.

I will. I'm just so bunged up and it's come out of nowhere and my kids aren't ill, touch word. So yeah. Thanks man. Yeah, I'm just going to... Trigger. This is true. Someone got mail. Anyway guys, let's have a little cat chat. Do you want to start? Yeah. Firstly, when we're recording this, today's the day the podcast goes out about my breakup. And I've already had so many amazing messages. I think one of my biggest fears about putting it out there was like, I don't know, I'm scared I'd get negativity. I haven't

had a single negative message about my breakup since I've shared it on social media. I've only had support and I think it's like what we've always said, sometimes when you worry about things in your head and the things you worry about, they don't actually happen. And I think I was so built up like about sharing it and stressing. And actually the reality is, is it's actually really helped me sharing it. And I don't know, I was listening to the episode in the car on the way here and I just think it's amazing that that was two weeks ago and what a different head space I'm in now. Like for me, the pinnacle point of change

was seeing a psychic and I know not everyone believes in it, but she really helped me separate out head and heart and that's been absolute pinnacle for me. And again, in the car on the way here I was listening to Healing Your Heartbreak, the book that Shadi wrote and it was all about focusing the things. Focusing on the thing, you've got the audio but. I've got the audio but I have to kind of simmer it. So focusing on all the things that you can control rather than focusing on things

you can't control. And I put out on my stories last night, like, the hard thing is I've had quite a lot of people message and be like, you never know, like, trust the universe, you might come back together or like, if it's love, like, there's always a way you can make it work. And I know people do it from a good place, but I think for me, like the element of holding onto any kind of hope is the thing that's going to stop you from healing and moving forwards. And I'm like, do you not think I've had these thoughts in my head? Like I've done the bargaining stage, I've done the let's trust the university might come back to me. And also like for all those people who are like there must be a way, let me tell you now love isn't enough.

Like there are so many other elements that are so important in a relationship and actually I'm in a place now a further two weeks on from when that episode's come out where I'm not saying like my relationship wasn't as great as it was but I think when you are with someone you are looking at things through a rose tinted glasses and I'm now looking back and understanding why he might not be my person and thinking that maybe I wasn't being as honest with myself about a long distance relationship being enough for me. I think I wanted to believe seeing my boyfriend six times a month was enough for me. Actually, what I've realised is it's okay to admit that that wasn't and I need more from a relationship. You can love someone

so much but for me I need that physical contact, like speaking on the phone and FaceTime. It's not as much. We had every alternate Monday, he'd get to my house for half eight, nine o'clock, we'd go to bed relatively early because he was up at four a.m. to get to work at seven. It wasn't sustainable. I could admit now, I need more from a relationship and I think that's okay. But yeah, my biggest advice to anyone going through some kind of breakup right now is acceptance, like accept your circumstances. There's no point ruminating and obsessing about the things that are beyond your control. In my circumstances, that's like physical things in terms of distance and childcare

and co-parents. There's things that I have zero control over. No matter how much I might want something, I have no control over those things. So me sitting there obsessing over them is only actually going to make me go a bit crazy. It's going to keep me in a rut of negativity. It's going to make me sad. It's going to just get me in a really negative head space and I'm going to be sat in grief for such a long period of time. or you accept that those things are beyond your control and you sit and think, right, what can I learn from this? What can I take

away from this? What is the universe trying to teach me from this relationship? And that is all you can do and focus and understand that what is meant for you is not going to pass you. And I know some people don't believe in all that. I do, I genuinely do. And I think the more I go through in life, the more I'm understanding that. And I've shared some of that on my stories and some people were like,

but how do you explain like when you lose a child? And I can't explain that. And that's something I'll never be able to explain. But I think right now where I'm at in my journey with this, that is what I have to believe in to allow me that space to move forwards. And look, I have got myself in a better headspace. Like I've had days this week where I haven't cried at all and that is massive progress for me. And that's not to say I won't next week. Like it's very up and down. But I think, I think there comes a point when you're going through a breakup, you're

going through grief where you have to take that responsibility to want to move forward. You can sit in grief and I think it's really important those first months, two months to sit in that grief, allow those feelings. But you have to get to the point where you're like, it's a choice for you to carry on feeling like that. You have to pick yourself up and think, what can I learn from this? Everything we go through in life is a lesson. And that is what I'm learning. I'm picking myself up. I'm focusing on the things I can control. I'm making my life exciting again, because your happiness is not tied to one person. Let me tell you that. Happiness shouldn't be tied to one person and if it is, you should probably re-evaluate the rest of your life. And I'm finding myself like I've found the gym again, which I haven't done for my entire relationship.

Do you feel like now on reflection, you lost yourself a bit in your relationship? Yeah and I think again that was down to distance because it was long distance we wanted to spend every child-free moment together but it also meant I couldn't pour into myself for the things like I think I lost myself in my marriage and feeling miserable and giving up everything becoming a mother I think I that. And then I got into this relationship quite quickly after. I don't think I ever found myself. I don't think I knew who I was. All I knew is I was happy again and I was doing fun things. And don't get me wrong, like whilst I feel like I maybe lost parts of myself, I also found parts of myself. Like I found how important traveling is to me and pushing myself to do fun, crazy

stuff. But there were definitely parts of me like the health side of things and the fitness side of things that have been a big part of my life for a long period of time that I didn't have the space to do in my relationship. And I think where we maybe had different interests and very, very like, like I've said before, we had six days a month, eight days at a push a month together. That's not what we spent our time doing. I was really worried that I would struggle with the time on my own. I know it's not a lot, six days a month, but I think a lot of people can get tempted to just, and I'm not saying there's a right or wrong way of doing it, but I think a lot of people can get tempted when they go through a breakup and you know, trying to keep themselves really busy and distracted and making loads of plans.

I've actually felt a bit like the opposite and I've actually really embraced that time on my own. I feel like I don't have enough time to do everything I want to do anyway. Like I'm really excited that this Saturday I'm going to be at home like cleaning my house like on my own. No children there, deep clean like music on, getting myself in good vibes. And don't get me wrong, I have got things booked in but I'm just embracing it. Look, what is the point in going over and over things? I can't change it. I packed up a box of all his stuff, I moved it out to the garage and once I'd done that I found this like, on our very first trip we went, we were in France and I, again at the start of my relationship, I was really into like writing and stuff and I

lost that along the way again, it's a time thing, and he bought me this like hand-pressed paper book from one of the little shops there and I found it, I was like, oh do I take it out to the garage and I just throw it in the bin. Which I thought felt like it was really big for me. It's still there, I know where it is and I'm like do I take it out? No, I'm gonna throw it in the bin. But yeah, I'm trying to make big steps, there's no point going around in circles and... Do you know what I think's really interesting? I find it, and like this may be the case with a lot of people with the first relationship

they have after a divorce. I'm not for a second wanting to put in anyone's head that your first relationship after a divorce isn't gonna last just because mine and Carly's hasn't. But what I'm finding quite interesting is a lot of the things that you're saying and a lot of the things that you're doing is obviously like, it's almost like a mirror

of what I went through last year. And it's interesting that you were like, love isn't enough. And I feel like that really hit me when I finally noticed that after my breakup with my ex-boyfriend, because I think I can speak for both of us when I say that when we ended our marriages, there wasn't really love there anymore.

We just went through that whole grief and heartbreak of like losing the family unit and becoming a single mom. And now we both understand the experience of going through a breakup when love is very much still there from both parties. And I remember getting all those messages like, I'm still rooting for you. Like, I don't know what's happened, but hopefully you can make it work. But if you love each other. I remember I used to have to write back to everyone being like, but love isn't enough. Like if people think that love is enough

in a relationship to make it work, like you were so unbelievably wrong. Like there is so much more than just love. Like I feel like sometimes when people have conversations with someone and they're like umming and ahhing about their relationship and someone might be like, but do you love them? And they'll be like, yeah. And then they'll be like, then you're gonna be okay.

And it's like, it's not, I feel like that's like a movie like view on things. Like love is maybe part of the foundation, but I feel like love is actually the easiest part of it. Like love comes quite easily. I feel like having the same values, the logistics, the same wants and needs for how your life is going to progress together,

being able to meet each other's needs. If someone doesn't meet your needs, it doesn't make them a bad person, a bad partner. It just might mean that they're not your person and that's okay. And also your needs can evolve. So I feel like at the start of my relationship, that was absolutely fine. In fact, it was quite nice because one thing I've realized with I'm so okay being like on my own and in my own company, and I think that's because I was in a long distance relationship, I was still spending loads of time on my own like every evening, my kids go to bed like seven o'clock. So I've

not had that big adaptation of like, my life doesn't look that different. You know, things like I'm trying to see the positives and not being with that person. Like for example, nights he had his kids, his kids are a lot older, like they wouldn't go to bed till like 10, quarter past 10. Sometimes we didn't get to speak till half 10 at night. And I'm not someone who likes to stay up late. So I'd stay up late till half 10 to talk to him and be on the phone for like an hour. So I'd be going to bed really late and then a vicious cycle of being tired. Now I go to bed, I'm like in bed going to sleep for 10 o'clock, like things like that. Like I know it sounds really petty, but it's not. And I think what I realized over time as well is like, and I think naturally, like when

you're in a relationship, your needs not necessarily change, but a little more, like, you know, like the only way for that to happen was for someone to make the big move. And when you've got other co-parents involved, you've got children involved, you've got family you'd be pulling them away from. It's not that simple. You can love someone so much. Love is not enough. And if it was, and you know what, we both said it like when we were breaking up, if we didn't have kids, we would have done everything to make that work. I think either of us would have moved and we would have put in the work and done whatever. But that's not the situation.

So there's no point sitting there saying, oh, but if this, if this. I think it's so easy to do that. So yeah, that's my update. My update. So my kids met my boyfriend's kids, which was really, really cute. I think that we were both really excited about it. And I think to be honest, neither of us were worried that it wouldn't be a nice day. I think our kids are really similar, especially his two girls and Ivy. And obviously Ivy having two brothers. She was buzzing. The dynamic

is just really sweet because his eldest is 14 and although I think you'll sometimes get like 14 teenage boys that are not really wanting to like join in, he's just so lovely and he really got involved and he was so amazing with the kids and the girls were so sweet. Like we went to like a trampoline park and then we went out for lunch and then we came back here and they were here till like just before 10.30 at night. The girls were like making up dances together and it was just, it was really, really sweet. So yeah, that was like a pretty big milestone for us. It was just nice to see them all getting along.

And then this weekend, we're actually going to Disney on Ice altogether. Although I really don't think Rome is gonna play ball because I took the kids to Disney on Ice two years ago. And luckily I went with my mom because Rome was quite young and he was so bored that he ended up going outside with my mum and playing with the pigeons because that was more exciting. Well I went to Disney on Ice with both mine at the end of December, Milo's younger than

me. He loved it. Wait for it. So I speak to them about it, about Disney on Ice and Rome was like, oh, is it when they just like, the characters just like are on the ice? I was like, yeah. is it when they just like, the characters just like are on the ice? I was like, yeah, he's like, that's boring. And I was like, oh, he's like, what else is there to do? And I was like, nothing. And he was like, that's boring. So in my head, I'm thinking I ain't going outside with him to play with the fucking kids. So I am gonna,

it's bad, but I'm going to have to take the iPad with. I really don't think he's gonna enjoy it but anyway like whatever is what it is like I can't leave him at home on his own so he's gonna have to come for the ride but yeah other than that like I don't really have any update I think it is it is just really interesting like listening to everything that you've said and I've got to say and I'm sure a lot of people are thinking it, like what you're currently doing and thinking in the thought process and everything you're doing.

It probably took me about four months to get to where you are now. I think there's something wrong with me. Fucking embrace it. That hasn't worked. I know, I know, she's kind of- It's working for you, you know. It's six weeks and like,

I think even like my therapist has been like, she's like, he's doing them. He's throwing me up to Shelly. She's going to be like, I thought you were doing well, but Carly, she's trumped you. Well, you don't know, but I, do you remember like when I went through it singing my divorce, I don't know if I just hit the acceptance point. So that was my thing with my breakup. I just couldn't quite accept it. And I did hold on to hope.

And I think the difference is for you, is the reasons for your breakup and heart change, they're there. The reasons for my breakup could have. Yeah, I agree. So I held on to that thinking like, oh, like maybe in a few months, I'll get that knock on the door.

And also I think, no disrespect to my ex-boyfriend, but he didn't hold the no contact very well. So that- See, I feel like we both, we spoke about how embarrassing it was. We did have a final conversation nearly three weeks ago now. And he knows how, and like where he, I don't know if he listens to the podcast and he might not imagine he does, but where he used to, he knows like that

it was something I always wanted to do. And he's as much as like before we did speak, he's like, I've done this for you. So now it's what, why is that making me upset? Sorry. No, it's fine. I think what, the way I see it is like, I have no doubt that your no contact would be broken by either side.

No. Whereas with mine and mine. I know I won't break it now. Yeah. Do you know how close I'm just deleting his number? And these WhatsApp conversations, cause I'm like, it's done. Yeah, but which is amazing, but I think for me,

he was quite weak with the no contact and you know there were times where I really tried to stick to it and he turned up at my door knocking on the door crying. He might just pop down the road for a hundred miles. Yeah, yeah he was only 20 minutes away so he was a yeah he was able just to turn up So I feel like you've come very far in a very short space of time. And I feel like you should be really proud because I think it's because I have focused on maybe it is easier for what I'm going through

to compare to other people because mine is very logistical. Yeah. Because I know if there was a way that he could move to me, he'd have to change job and his childcare would be different, that'd be a different situation. But that's not going to happen. And vice versa. So yeah, I've had to be really practical with that. And I think for me, like really separating out my head and my heart has been like really separating out my head and my heart has been like the game changer for me. Yeah, but I feel like anyone listening that is going through, you know, heartbreak and trying to move on from someone, I think we have said it quite a lot that you do get that light bulb moment,

we talk about it in our journal, whether the breakup is what you want or don't want, I do think you always do reach that moment of like, I understand this now, I understand why this is my path and the reasons behind it. And even if you did have a loving, really perfect relationship, I personally believe that if you don't end up together, there will be reasons why you are better not with that person and you will start to find

reasons why. Actually, I didn't really notice that, but that doesn't really work for me or I'd actually really like to find someone next time that can do that or does have this and that's not trying to put that person down or paint them into this like person to make you not like them. Like I've said, you can love someone and they can be a great person. They may just not be what you need. As well, like what I've really reflected on is this was my first healthy relationship, having come out my marriage and like being with someone who could communicate and I don't know, did things that now I'm looking back, don't get me wrong, I don't want to take away like he did some really thoughtful like incredible things.

But then there's also things I'm looking back at now that I thought were amazing because they'd never happened to me. And I'm like, actually, like, of course I should have that in a relationship. Like of course I should be able to trust someone. Hello, summer shot. Can you not remember? Yeah, no, I know. I said, and you know what's actually really interesting when you look back at it and I

want to show you the teaser, there was a teaser where I sat there and I was like, I've broken up with my boyfriend and all I ever wanted in a relationship was to be loved and to have trust. And he showed me that those two things were possible, but they're bare minimum. And your reaction was, I never thought of it like that. They are bare minimum. They're bare minimum.

And we both went into relationships, never having bare minimum. So I don't want to take away credit to both our ex-boyfriends because they are good people, they were good partners. I don't think we've ever just done things that weren't bare minimum. Absolutely. However, like we have always said, when you're going from a relationship down here, said when you're going from a relationship down here, anything is better. And sometimes it is taking a step back after that relationship, after that good relationship ends and realizing that it's very easy to put a good person on a pedestal when your previous partner was fucking shit. So I'm not for a second saying take a step back and look at the person and make sure

that actually you're not being blown away by bare minimum, but it's very easily done when you've come from a really top level relationship. Yeah, don't get me wrong, you did some amazing, really thoughtful stuff, but one of the things I valued most about my relationship was communicating and genuinely trusting him. Like I trusted the man so much, I knew he would never cheat on me and stuff like that. But why would he put that to you? And the thing is I knew that was always gonna take a long time because of what I'd been through.

And like he had wounds to heal. Is there another thing that kind of came out in therapy this week, I feel like, I don't know why I'm sharing such personal stuff with you, but like, it's very apparent that when I got into that relationship, like I was a broken person and I do feel like we fixed each other, like we helped bring each other back to life, I've always said that. But I think looking forward to my future, like I don't want to be someone who needs to be fixed.

I want to fix myself on my own in this time I have on my own. And I don't want to be with someone who needs fixing. I want to be with someone who is working on themselves, who's actively trying to heal wounds. And I think things like that come with time as you evolve as a person. I genuinely believe everything you go through in life, you're growing and learning and you evolve. go through in life. You're growing and learning and like you evolve and like maybe we got to a point where that growth couldn't go anymore. Like I took what I needed to take from that

relationship and I understand it but I'm not afraid to like admit like I need more in a relationship now. Like I need someone who I can see three, four times a week. Like that is important to me. I really want that. I want someone who not wants to spend quality time with me because that's not, it wasn't ever about what we wanted. And also just to set my mileage to five miles. But no, like to be sensible with things like that. I think people keep asking me, oh, how did you meet? If you were long distance and stuff. I live very near an airport, he must have gone on the app when he was in the airport and that's how we matched. Do you know what, there was a big niggly part of me at the start that was like, he's too

far, why would you even do this? But then I didn't expect to fall in love. I remember that. I remember that conversation. Didn't expect to fall in love at all. I didn't even think I had the capacity to love. And next thing you know, you're like 20 months deep and it's an issue. So no, but like I think it's just made me aware of like, logistics do matter. And I'll definitely be considering that like, Like, logistics do matter and I'll definitely be considering that, like, if and when I do start dating again. So yeah, my therapist said to me, I reckon around 12 weeks she'll be ready and I just laughed at her because I don't think I want to.

Yeah, I don't think you need to. I don't think it's about, again, I don't think it's about time really, is it? No. Who knows? Look, it's another six weeks, but it just doesn't feel like a priority right now. No, I'm really enjoying. I've got some really fun things planned. Like I've got my holiday booked, which is really nice timing. So I've got some nice things to look forward to.

I met my boyfriend six months after. Yeah, that's not that long. No. But 12 weeks is, I assume that's only three months. Yes, can't. No. I don't, I want to be like, I don't feel like I could attract the person I want

into my life at that point because I want to work on myself. Does that make sense? Also, you'd still be in love with him in six weeks. You want to put it down like, can you really fall out of love with someone in 12 weeks? It's really weird. I was thinking this, like I haven't seen him in six weeks. I can't remember what his voice sounds like. I understand that.

I can't remember. Like I was trying to, in my head, you know, you play it because I refuse to watch videos of him because I think that will set me back like I've been reading all this stuff like it initiates something in your nervous system when you hear their voice. No contact should also be like not reading messages. Yeah yeah yeah. A photo like all that sort of stuff. I've not been doing that at all.

Actually I unfavorited all pictures in my favorites album of him because when I try and upload something from Instagram all my favorites come up and it was really triggering me so I let some favorite not really to delete them I obviously went into this relationship quite early on in my breakup from my marriage and I do feel like I was able to show up and like receive so much love and give so much love and like if I could do that as a completely broken person like imagine what I can do healed like imagine what I can receive and like I don't know I just I always think like I'm a big believer in vibrations and like if you're on a positive vibration or I believe people exist on different vibrations and some people up here and some people are

down there and I think sometimes in life you outgrow people. So I know, you know, I was in a very sad marriage and I feel like I was down here for a lot of it. And with the growth I've done, I've got up here and sometimes people are here and sometimes you outgrow them and you move up and down with your vibrations. And I feel like the more actively you're doing your healing, the more accountability you're taking for that and for your growth, you're only going to be on better vibrations and that's when you attract those better people. Do you feel like, because I feel like we are probably very similar, weirdly I feel like we've gone through a really similar situation. I, to this day, have always said that I feel

like I attracted my ex-boyfriend because we were in really similar places. We were both quite damaged. When we broke up, we both said like, I believe we were sent to each other because it's what we both needed at the time. We needed each other. We needed to learn that we could love. We needed to learn trust. Yeah. But you were both broken. And that's why you both met.

You know when, I don't know if you believe in it, because I looked into it when I was going through my breakup, where some people say that you're either twin flames. Have you heard of it? Like either like a twin flame or soulmate. So soulmates obviously meant for each other. And twin flames, it, like either like a twin flame or soulmate. So soulmates obviously are meant for each other and twin flames it's like you almost like really want to work and you like gel but something will always end up keeping you apart, you're not actually meant to be

together. I gel what my tune has changed from what I used to believe in. I used to love the idea of one soulmate, but ever since I went to Ray Gord, I was like. I wasn't even one soulmate. No, but I did. Really? So you think there's one person in the whole entire world?

I like that idea. I'm a fan. It's very romantic, but it's not. It's a ridiculous idea. Okay. But now I'm saying, now I don't believe in that, and I believe there's different soulmates and this is quite fitting. It's called boyfriend after marriage.

Oh, let's just trigger a little bit more. Boyfriend after marriage breakdown. Well, at least I can give a good... We both can. Look, at the end of the day, all these experiences give us more to help. Meet us at the Shogunny Pigs, guys. We'll just go through everything for you. We're so thoughtful. Oh my.

Hey guys, thank you for what you do. You guys are with me via my phone every day and I so value the work you're both doing. You're both fucking hilarious. Oh look at that, isn't he? That was on my list of things that I thought myself. As well, so please never change. The story is, married my childhood sweetheart in 2017, had a baby in 2022, left the marriage in Jan 24 because I learnt a lot about myself, boundaries and people pleasing. I never wanted to be the naggy wife but the cool one who didn't care which in turn cost me our marriage. There's more to the relationship breakdown like financial control. I'd been planning on leaving him for a few months before I did it but when I told him I felt so much relief.

Little did I know he would soon turn into grief of my family unit and the next few months were fucking awful. He moved on pretty quickly, they always do, with his sister's friend. He saw her as an opportunity he couldn't miss out on, his words, not mine. He lied about who he was seeing and gasped at me whenever I asked him where he was. Not that I was even entitled to this information, but it was so hard living together and knowing he was dating. We co-parent 50-50. I still live in the family home and he lives with his new partner. When he parents our daughter he does this in our joint family home. I ended up dating someone in September and he was

everything that I'd been missing with my ex. He loves the same things I do and we had very aligning values. He had a teenager and was very aware I had a two year old. We both agreed we didn't want any more kids pretty early on and this felt great. We also had a six month rule of not meeting one another's children. Perfect. Fast forward six months, the last two months have been tough. I've had this gut feeling something wasn't right. Equally at the same time, I hadn't completely fallen in love with this man. I broached the topic of where he was at and it spiralled into a discussion about his previously traumatizing relationship and he was scared of gaining a family unit, only

possibly losing it again. This made sense to me at the time and we agreed to continue communication how we both felt in general about this delicate topic. The next few weeks I spent trying to reset and go back to basics and dating again and this was fun but I could only go a short while before my gut was telling me something wasn't right. I brought up the fact that I felt vulnerable last night and he just cried and almost hung his head in shame. He admitted that he knew he had caused me to have anxiety, sleepless nights, that I'd been questioning myself and that he hated himself for that. He then went on to admit that he didn't want to form a relationship with my two-year-old and had been feeling like this for a few months. He hadn't told anyone and he said he was trying to make it go away but he couldn't.

He said that he is at the opposite end of the parenting journey to me and that his plan for his life didn't involve a two year old. I mean surely you knew that by the beginning. I am beyond mad and heartbroken, blindsided. I want there to be a solution but of course there isn't one. I'm fucking dreading the grief journey that I've got to now go through again. I don't want any of this. I want him but I can't have him and I feel so betrayed. I know Tash said the relationship separation she had after her marriage breakdown was the hardest breakup and I so feel that even after

one pissing day. I know this feeling is temporary. I know he's clearly not right for me as he cannot accept my daughter. I'm not looking for advice as I know he's clearly not right for me as he cannot accept my daughter. I'm not looking for advice as I know there's fuck all that I can do other than ride it. I find it really hard telling my friends and family that another relationship I've created has broken down. I also spent the morning with my daughter in my bed.

We were chatting away so happily and I cannot understand how someone has rejected that. What a huge shame and loss on his part. I just needed to type this and read it out loud so that my brain can start to organize and process it all. Sorry for the obesity of this message. Lots of love to you, Beau. I think like the biggest thing that I've learned,

not even learned, but we can't control what other people want, what how other people choose to spend their lives. And he might have told you at the start of the relationship, it wasn't a problem and he knew about it and then people change. And it's so difficult. It's so difficult when things like that happen. Or I don't know, maybe like the reality of it set in and maybe he thought, you know

what, this isn't for me. Cause two year olds are very different to having teenagers. But the biggest thing I want you to focus on right now are the things you can control. So right now, I think you said you were like day one, like sit with that grief, feel it all. There is nothing wrong with sitting and feeling it. Cry, scream, whatever it is you need to do. Like it's really important not to ignore that. And that is my biggest advice. And I know it's going to hurt so much, but trust me as someone who's been through it incredibly recently, each day that pain does

get a little bit less. And as you step back and start to do the work, like again, not trying to be gimmicky and silly but get our healing journal, it will help you like guide you and initiate that journey of your healing. But you'll start to step back and you'll start to understand that he can't be your person because your person would choose you, your person wouldn't be scared of those circumstances, the person you want would embrace that and like you said, like you were laying in your bed thinking who wouldn't want this? Someone will want that, it's just not him and he's just not the right person. I also think it's like very valid to feel like angry and disappointed because when you almost like

he knew that, he knew what he was like entering into to then feel like they've then changed their mind. It is massively disheartening and disappointing but I feel like, I'm not saying that I had a similar situation but I feel like my ex-boyfriend definitely struggled with my children and I feel like once you really step back and stop looking through sort of like love goggles, you'll realise that your child isn't like baggage. They're like a positive thing. They're a positive privilege. Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. What privilege for you to like be in their lives? Sorry, do you know how many black kids are?

You know, my ex-boyfriend told me that I needed to make some compromises with how my children were. And I sort of like, I'm really angry with myself that I didn't right there and then be like, my children don't need to make any changes. The only change that we need to make is you goodbye. Because they are a privilege. Like I feel like it's almost like you should be fucking lucky to be in my child's life,

not trying to convince someone that they should want your children. So one day that switch will flip and you'll be like, nah, I want someone that cannot wait to be in my child's life, not trying to encourage them that they should want my child in their life. So I agree. You're

going to ride it. Yeah, ride the wave. And like Harley said, get the journal. I think it will really help you go through those steps of like the cycle of grief, unfortunately, because that's what it is. So I wanted to read this. It's quite a long affirmation, but my sister sent it to me this morning and it just really resonated with me. So it says some people are only meant to cross paths with you and that is all. They are not supposed to stay in your life forever. Some people slip into your life like a rainbow but leave a tornado in their wake, making you doubt love and all the good in your life, making you question

whether they truly had to leave because if they did then why did it feel so wrong? Why did it hurt so much? Because if they had to leave, then why did they come into your life to begin with? But they had to, believe me. Some people are passers-by in a journey that is all about your growth, healing and happiness. These people arrive in the form of daylight and warmth, but leave as hard lessons that you stumble over. These people tuck love into the pleats of your heart, but leave fragments of themselves behind. These people teach you how to laugh with your eyes closed and they show you, in the truest sense, what it means to let love in. But some people are only a stage in your life,

an experience, a temporary fixture, a fleeting moment that won't last forever. And these people, these very soulmates who you would do anything for, teach you that no matter how much you care for each other, sometimes those you love have to leave much you care for each other. Sometimes those you love have to leave and you have to let them. Love that. Thank you guys so much for listening. I feel like that was quite like a deep episode.

But yeah, hope you enjoyed it. I hope it helps and we will see you again next week. Bye.