Not As We Planned - 80. Are They Swingers?

Episode Date: March 13, 2025

We discuss the clues of trying to spot a swinger, finding out your friend was having an affair with your husband and realising it’s time to call it a day with your cheating partner! Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shop Producer: @TristanHehir City Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello guys and welcome back to Not As We Planned. Welcome, welcome. What's our catch up this week? Wanna go for a molting? Both of them are showing up.

Was there something you were saying for Patreon or was it the start of this? Okay. I remember you saying you had something but I didn't know if it was our main episode allowed. No, I don't think it's main episode. By the way, if you're watching, how cute our new on trend mug mugs from Ty. Sorry, I'm drinking coffee. My child now decides he's sleeping in my bed at night. Oh, stunning. Oh my God, there's a little update. Do you remember when I said quite a while ago, like Blake slept all night? He still says shut up guys. My trial stopped sleeping through

when I was six months pregnant with Rome. Rome just turned four and he's now sleeping through. There's hope for everyone. Honest, like. That's life changing. No, it is, not to be dramatic. We've gone the other way, Milo's always slept well. And then, you know, I said like a few weeks ago,

he'd call out to me. Well, now he's obviously figured out I can get out my bed. And he just appears in the middle of the night, but he has the cheekiest face ever. And I really struggle not to laugh. And he goes, mommy. And I go, yeah. He goes, I think I need a cuddle. You need to get a gate on his door. I know. When, when Rome went from cock to bed, once he figured out that he could just like walk freely and go anywhere, he constantly... Do you know what? No, I have been walking him back to his room, but last night he was a bit tearful and was

like, I really need a cuddle and who am I to deny my child? I think sometimes they need you and... The minute I put a gate on Rome's door, he didn't call me. It's like they just do it because they can I told you the other night I went to bed with like the most horrific migraine so I didn't do my normal check on the kid shut the gate I left it to my boyfriend no and he didn't shut the gate so what happened? I woke up with Rome at the bottom of my bed. And I put him straight back to bed. But yes, anyway, Blake is sleeping through, which is just, do you know what? And I don't know whether this

is just like, you know, he's decided now that he doesn't need to wake up anymore. Something that I've thought about on reflection, and this is probably just me completely overthinking. But I feel like his sleep was probably at its absolute worst when I was with my ex-boyfriend and that really had an effect on him. He never wanted to say and it's like the minute that my boyfriend has started saying, he's sleeping. I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but I don't know, I just feel like it happened at such a nice point. Everything's really calm and content and now he's, I don't know, I don't know what it is, but anyway, I'm fucking here for it. Please God, may it continue. I'm manifesting that he now sleeps forever and ever on that.

Absolutely. I can't believe it. Well, you can believe it now, because you experienced it. You can believe it now if you've experienced it. Yeah, and also started football coaching for him. I gave it a month. His dad didn't do anything. So yeah, and he really enjoyed it. Yeah, so that's really, really sweet. And obviously my little baby, 10-4, had his birthday. And he's going to start school, isn't he, September? September. I find it really emotional when your youngest die and older. I'm pretty content with not having any more children. I think there was a point where I thought I maybe would. I don't think I will. I don't know,

he just seems, Thor just sounds so much older than Thor. Yeah, it does. I mean, and it's really funny because his voice has changed. I think he's just got a bit of a cold, but I don't know. I keep noticing things, Milo says, I'm like, I love that you still sound like a baby. So, Rome sounds like his voice is broken. It's really funny when his dad came to pick him up, he started laughing, he's like, sorry, why is our foil? His voice broken. He's a bit croaky, so anything can come.

Oh, bless him, yeah. I'm hoping he's not. All going for Riley Puberty. His little high pitch is just everything, and I don't want that to go. You know, even when like, your youngest may say something, a word wrong, and then they correct, and then they say it right.

I'm like, no, no, no, don't. Theo corrected me. Oh my God, Theo keeps correcting Milo with stuff. I'm like, can you stop? Because my favorite thing that Milo says at the moment is, that's disgusting. And it's so cute. And I'm like, please say that forever. I love when Blake and I used to say, kookumbum.

Yeah. And I don't want them to ever correct. So what's funny is, Brame sleeps with this elephant tummy time pillow. It's his pillow. And he couldn't say elephant. For some reason, he always called it Alan. And then one day he just said elephant and I was distraught.

Yeah. Now, his pillow's called Alan. That's cute. Because I can never, he can't be elephant. He is Alan. And it's really funny, because my dad's his pillow's called Alan. That's cute. Because I can never, he can't be Elephant, he is Alan. And it's really funny because my dad's got a friend called Alan, so he's like, oh, she's Alan. Anyway, like had his party, it was really gorgeous. And he had the best time. And then I find it really sad when their birthdays on a school day. Yeah, but it should be a rule that you can take them out of school.

They don't really like it. I mean, they owe us this in a half term every single year. Really? I guess because I'm so used to being 28th of December. Of course, yeah. Yeah, he went to school and they made a really big fuss. We opened all his presents and do you know what? It was a bit, not awkward, but my boyfriend was at me. And then later on, their dad came over.

And I don't know, it's sort of like that awkward dynamic. They don't wanna tread on their toes, it's their birthday. My boyfriend is so unbelievably respectful. And I think because he has another man in his kid's life, he very much thinks of that. Yeah, yeah, you get it. So, you know, the minute that my ex arrived, he's very much like standing back,

like giving him as much space as possible. He wanted to make sure that if he was downstairs, he went upstairs. Not to avoid, and he very much said to me, I don't want him to think I'm being rude, but like that's what I would want him to do. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And get him out of his way.

And then there was a point where the kids were going to bed and their dad put them to bed and he was in Rome's room. And then I said goodnight to Blake and Ivy and they were like, oh, can, I may as well say his name. It's just, it's a bit confusing. They both got the same name. And they're like, can James come and say goodnight? So I went downstairs, I was like,

babe, they want you to say goodnight. He's like, I really don't want to go up when he's in bedtime because I can't, but I don't want them to think I don't want to say good night. So I just went back up to him. I was like, he's just in the middle of cooking his dinner. The minute he's done, he'll come up and then he waited for their dad to like be done, go downstairs, leave. And then he went off. I just think it's so nice that you have someone that really understands that level of like boundaries and respect. Yeah. Being told what to do. But yeah, other than that, it's just been a really nice week. My little babies. Oh, and he pooped on the toilet today. I don't know if I've ever said this to anyone. He has been in

nappies now for over a year and he was amazing. Never had a wet accident. He's been dry at night pretty much since I potty trained him, pooed on the toilet and then he once had a bug and that like massively regressed him. And honestly, since then it has been the biggest battle to get him to poo on the toilet. He has literally been shitting in his pants for six months. To a point where I was like, it's not fair on him, I'm losing my shit, so I ended up just being like, when you want a poo, ask for a nappy, because he knows when it's not, it's not like he can't control it.

He very much knows, sometimes he'd look at me and be like, am I wearing a nappy? I'm like, no, do you need one? He's like, yeah. So like, he's so aware and I feel like, you cannot force a child to do a poo on the toilet when they're completely aware. He sits on the toilet,

but also you don't want to make it a really traumatic thing that they then have trauma from it. Like- He wears a nappy, but like, if he's sometimes in a nappy, like in the morning, he'll go to the toilet and do a wee. Like he's not- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I get a call from his dad this morning cause they're at his dad and he was like, so, Rowan went to go to the toilet to do a wee and then all of a sudden I heard this like plop and I looked at him and went, are you pooey? He's like, it fell out. That's good experience. Yeah. And he was like, it's not scary is it? He was like, no. So I'm praying. What do you think that's got to feel nice and like sitting in it? He did poo on the toilet and nursery a few weeks ago and they made the biggest deal.

They went and took him to Blake and I in his classroom to like... Come on. No, I think like he was so... He was proud. He was so proud of himself and then he never did it again. But I'm hoping today, fingers crossed my four-year-old learns to poo on the toilet. Otherwise his hinge prompt when he's older is going to be, use a nappy, but I'm really kind.

No, I can't. Anyway, that's me. How are you doing? I'm really good. I know. I'm so sure. Yeah, we'd like, so my therapy session this week. I said to her, I was like, is there something wrong with me? Like, because she said to me, where you are now at six weeks,

it takes most people 12 weeks. Okay. And I was like, to me, 12 weeks still sounds so... I know, and I feel like there's something wrong with me, because I genuinely feel content, I feel happy. And she said it's because I've been able to step back and gain perspective on it. Like we have been no contact now, it'll be four weeks on Monday. And I don't know if any-

That's amazing because I don't think I've watched four weeks until about May, soon enough. Yeah. No, I know. And also something massive. Oh yeah, this is huge. Like huge. I deleted his number and deleted our entire WhatsApp conversation. That is like beyond. Like when you messaged me telling me, I think my jaw dropped. I was like... But no, I genuinely feel like there must be something wrong with me, but I don't know if... I think I've been so conscious to detach and to heal. Like in my head, I'm like, I don't want to be pining after someone

who I can't be with. Like what is the point in me being sad? And I see all over TikTok at the moment, like these girls, I couldn't manage two days without contacting them. Like girl, love you. And I'm like, girl, like, do you know what it is? It's like one thing I've realised,

oh, am I even going through puberty as well? Bloody hell, sorry. Anyway, one thing I've realised is... I forgot what I was gonna say. I'm very accepting of my circumstances. I don't know if because mine's slightly different and it's very practical, it's very much like, this can't happen, so what's the point in feeling sad? And I genuinely believe, and I'm sorry if anyone's like sat listening to, and I really don't want to offend anyone, but if anyone's sat listening to this and they're going through a heartbreak or they're feeling really down and sad, I genuinely believe that happiness is a choice, right? Because I believe, and don't get me wrong, there's some awful things that happen to people, but regardless of that, I guarantee there is something in your life that is good.

And we can choose what we put our energy into. If we put all our energy into all the negative stuff and feeling sad, we're gonna surround ourselves with that and we're gonna feel worse and worse and worse. Or we can focus on all the positive things. So for me, I've completely thrown myself into work. I've thrown myself into exercising. I've thrown myself into actually healing.

Like, I feel like everything I'm doing at the moment is an active choice for me to become a better person, for me to not hide from feelings, for me to try and become a better person, push myself out of my comfort zone. Last week I went to this amazing meditation. I cried the entire session. I don't want anyone here to think I don't cry, I'm not sad, I'm like over it and stuff like that. Of course things still bring up emotions.

That meditation session like literally spoke to me. Of course I still feel sad, but I'm really focusing my energy on positive things. And I'm at a stage where I know I'm going to be okay. In fact, no, I don't know I'm going to be okay. I know I'm going to be okay. In fact, no, I don't know I'm going to be okay. I know I'm going to be amazing. And I know this, if that hadn't happened when it did, it would have been worse because it would have been more time with the wrong person.

And I'm so grateful it happened when it did because the more perspective I gain on it, the more I realized he wasn't my forever person. He was there to teach me. I like, again, this is an employ for our journal, but I've been using our journal every single day. You did good. We did really good.

And yeah, like, it's just things I got my ear pierced, like, like just silly little things, silly little things. And what, do you know what, do you know what? I, it's really obviously interesting to see your growth and what you've done. Because obviously I was in your position a year ago. And like you said, I think with yours being so logical, like there is nothing to hold on to hope for because nothing can change. Like literally in my head, I'm like,

if he turned around to me and said, I'm moving, I'm getting a new job and I'm gonna work on myself, I'd be like, calm down, but those three things aren't gonna happen. So like that is the only scenario I could be with him and he's not gonna leave his job. He can't move here because of his child arrangements and do you know what I mean? So it's very, it is very logical for me.

Whereas I feel like maybe, do you know what, I'm not gonna sit here and make out that if mine was logical, that I would have been. I think there's something wrong with me. But again, I was saying in therapy, like, I don't know if this is just a characteristic of the kind of person I am, because I feel like this is almost how I dealt with my marriage breakdown as well. Like, I feel like I could get to the acceptance

quite quickly. I don't think I got to acceptance to turn about four months in. And that- I genuinely think I hit to acceptance until about four months. And that- I genuinely think I hit acceptance at four weeks in, because this is week seven. Tomorrow will be seven weeks. Like my therapist said to me,

yeah, like you'd be ready to stay at 12 weeks. I'm like, absolutely fucking not. I think, do you know what it is? You know on TikTok, it shows you like a year to the date, what you posted. So obviously at the moment, oh, god, it's all my break up. Good Lord.

I know. Thanks, hon. And literally mine would be like 12 days, no contact. I don't know, it's got worse. And I'm literally crying. But do you know what? I feel like I needed to go through that grief to get out the other side. Like I don't feel like I'd ever experienced. I don't know what it was. Look, like we've always said, like healing is your own individual journey. Like

everyone is different. There is no time scale. Like some people will heal really quickly and I don't think the time scale of someone's healing is a reflection on how. No, I don't want anyone to compare. Like this is what I'm really conscious of, like sharing honestly how I feel. Like I don't want someone listening to this who maybe went through a breakup at the same time thinking,

I'm still like on the floor. I was, and you were. And it just shows that people do things differently. It doesn't mean that you don't get there in the end Yeah, so hopefully you guys can see that whether you're more like me in a healing process or Carly in a healing process Hey, I have got issues No one thing I do want to say like if you don't follow Mel Robbins, we're obsessed with her we're actually going to see her and

Mel Robbins she she is the owner of the let them theory. Let them, like if they want to move on, let them. If they want to jump from relationship to relationship without healing, let them. If someone's going to be a bad friend or doesn't show up for you, let them. She said something about do no contact for 28 days. And it's something to do with like a physical and neurological response to someone's voice, to someone's face.

So like when I talk about no contact, I mean like no watching videos, no playing back voice notes. I haven't even looked at photos accidentally. Like if I'm scrolling, something's come up, I go whoops. But like I said, I deleted our WhatsApp conversation, I've deleted his number, I haven't watched anything back. If you commit to that, the neurological like attachment you have to them, whatever it is,

there's something that's like got, that you're like bonded to and you need to basically release that, you need to detach from that person and Unless you're doing that no contact for the 28 days That's not gonna happen and I just feel like as well I'm quite like a sciencey person like there's a fact there. So if I do this and I'm gonna feel better So why wouldn't I do it? and

And I'm I must be approaching the 28-day mark because it'll be four weeks on Monday. So yeah, that's 28 days. And I can't tell you, I can't even remember his voice. I can't, I don't know. And I feel like I'm looking back at our relationship differently. I'm looking back and I'm not painting him with a bad brush, he's a good kind person, but I'm just understanding why we're not each other's person. I am actually at a point, and I don't know if that's because I've been working so much on my self-worth and just on me in general and healing, but I feel really excited because it's interesting when I keep watching our clip, well obviously our podcast goes out two weeks after we've recorded it. And

for me at the moment, I'm finding it quite amazing to be able to look back at my progress. Like I feel like for a lot of people that's going through a journal, but for me it's obviously very visual. Like I was on the floor. So I'm finding it really interesting thinking, wow, look at the progress I've made in two weeks. Like the way I'm thinking is so, so different. The one I just listened to was me basically saying like, I'm so worried I'm never going to find anyone again and I'll never be in love again. And like now I'm as well well like I've had the really weirdest week in manifesting things that have come true firstly. So I'm like I feel like I'm on quite a high vibration so I'm manifesting things into my life and I'm absolutely believing I'm going to find

my person like absolutely believe I will and also like I don't mean to blow smoke up my own ass but I am actively doing the work so whoever whoever gets to be with me next, you know what? They're so bloody lucky because they're gonna get the best version of me. This is gonna be the most healed version of myself to ever exist. And I attracted some amazing people into my life when I wasn't remotely healed.

Me, when I wasn't remotely healed and I still feel like I was a good girlfriend and still feel like I gave a lot in a relationship. Imagine what I'm going to be able to give someone when I've healed those parts of me that were so broken and so wounded. And that's really exciting. And instead of being worrying, this is what I mean. I think it's really important for us to take accountability for how we frame our mind. And I know it's easier said than done. But rather than being like, oh, I I'm gonna be on my own forever think this is an opportunity to meet someone more suitable for me and allow me to grow like for me the key

thing I will be looking for when I put myself out there which probably won't be till the summer to be honest because I really want to really want to work on myself for the next how it won't, but I don't feel like I'm at the point yet where I feel like if I met someone now, they wouldn't be the right level because I feel like you attract what you put out there, if that makes sense. So I've still got work I want to do on myself. But yeah, you either choose to think, oh, I'm going to be on my own forever, or you start believing your person is out there and you're going to meet them. And I

think when we change our frame of mind, the world is our waste stuff. Do you know, I think we've said it before when we say when people go through breakup after breakup, they get cheated on, they get cheated on. I don't ever want people to think that we're like, you're the reason you got cheated on. But we see these patterns prime in time again, if you don't start looking from within and doing the work on yourself. And I feel like if patterns continue to repeat themselves,

that's when you need to start looking from within and seeing what you can change, because we can only control ourselves. We can't control anything externally. So if you are not happy with what you're guessing from someone, look within. People always say, do you know what? Here is one of the best pieces of advice

for finding a good relationship. Write down a list of what you want in a partner. And before you go looking for that partner, make sure that you reflect that list. Nice. Good point. So true. How can you expect someone to give you

what you were not able to put out there? We have always said that you get back what you put out. So if you are not happy with the people that you were dating or meeting or in a relationship with, start from within. But yeah, no, I completely agree. And it's like, it's, it's what they say about self-worth, isn't it? It's you will never be good enough for someone unless you

feel good enough for yourself. Unless you are that confident in yourself. Like, unless you have the self-worth for you, you're not going to be like, you're just not going to be enough for anyone else. Yeah. So, and I'll be honest, like, this is the first time I've fully held myself accountable. And I do feel like I've welcomed the opportunity to grow with welcome arms. Like, I do, I feel like part of me is like, this is the universe's way of saying, Kali, stop, you've been strong for so long, but now you need to actually do the work.

And do you know what? I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying the process of becoming. Yeah, they say like like, enjoy the becoming. And it's enjoying getting to know who this person is. Like I'm finding, I get messages all the time at the moment, like, Kali, I don't know what to do, like, I'm heartbroken, he's done this, he's done this, he's left, he doesn't want to come back.

It's like what we just said, like, let them. You should not want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. Or someone who's not 100% sure, you shouldn't even need to try and convince someone to change their mind. Like they should do that on their own. If they've walked away, you shouldn't be like trying to sell yourself and be like, but this, but this, like, honestly,

let them because you are worthy of so much more. I wanna be with someone who literally cannot be without me, who would do anything for me, who thinks I'm this incredible person and someone out there will believe that. Like, Kev. Kev, Carly got approached by someone in our DMs on, oh my God. I think after one of her videos saying that like she loves, she gives a lot of love and all of this, he's pretty much said he wants to take her out. And he was like, I feel like it's fate. I was like, oh, I'm really sorry, Kev. I'm not ready to say but- Sorry, Kev. She has not replied. I've had quite a few in my DM.

Oh my god, yeah I've had like, been getting approached. And it's also interesting people creeping out would work. Yeah. I'm just like. I don't know how I got that off. When I, when I, just people I knew. Yeah, those people from the past. Yeah.

No, thank you. No, you don't go back. I just, I have zero interest in men at the moment. Like, I got hit on in the gym the other day. Did you? Yeah. I love that. I don't.

They're not really awkward. I was like, I was on this, I was doing sit-ups and then I took a selfie and this man came off, went like that. And I was on this, I was doing sit ups and then I took a selfie and this man came off and went like that. And I was like, yeah, no. And then he was like, he started talking to me and like, you know, like, can you just leave me alone please? And he just wasn't reading it.

I do not want to meet anyone at the gym either. Like, no, I would die. No, I don't want to. No. But it's interesting because obviously I haven't been going to a gym for a while, but now I've been going regularly, start seeing the same faces and like people think they have the right to come over to you and you're just like, which is why I really want to get some over the head headphones. I feel like people can't necessarily see my AirPods. I feel like if I've got headphones on that's like, no, don't see my AirPods. I feel like if I've got headphones on,

that's like, no, don't come to me. I'm not at the gym to socialize, I'm at the gym to heal from my trauma. Anyway, that was quite a long catch up. Okay, we're going in. Are you ready? Is my daughter's best friend's parents' swingers help? Are you ready? Yeah, all right. Hey, I hope you're both doing okay and

Carly you're healing okay during your difficult time. I need advice and it isn't a typical breakup question. It's about swinging. I can't say we're that experienced. I can say we're not experienced in the slightest. Well, from a few emails. Yeah. Okay. Also, maybe I should become a unicorn. Get my horn, please do. I would die. I would not have the voice. Next week guys, Carly went to a swinging house. Don't say that. She's taking some videos with my horn on my head for a teaser. I'd have to wear a really fucking sexy outfit though as stripper heels. From Camden. If anyone wants to take me with to the next party, send me a DM. I might be getting... Kevin Carley. The casuallethre, isn't it? I saw his picture, he's not for me. Oh, are you hearing that, Karen?

I'm picky! I have very, very high standards. This shirt, yeah. So, I know normally you share about difficult breakups or relationship problems. Mine is slightly different and I know you have been asking for different topics, so here it goes. I don't want to ask my husband or friends, because it's a secret but because this situation I don't want my husband to think I'm thinking into something that isn't there and I don't want to start spreading rumors if this situation isn't what I've read it to be. So my daughter has made best friends with another little girl at school. Lovely to have a great friend.

This girl's dad is a high-profile sports star in our area. I'd known him for a long time and have seen him on TV. When my daughter was invited to their home, it was a massive beautiful home. I came along and had a lovely time chatting to her mom and the other child. Everything seemed great and it was nice to know my daughter had a wonderful friend and they seemed so nice. Anyway, as we were chatting,

I went to the loo and on my way I noticed a bright pink flamingo. I remember thinking, wow, that's a bright plastic flamingo, but it wasn't a watering can, so I figured it was their daughters. I went to the loo and noticed pineapples everywhere. When I came back we started talking about interiors and said they had made the Lou very fun with loads of pineapples everywhere. I was like oh that's fun and I'd read that down says Lou is meant to be the boldest room as we spent the least time there. Something about the way she said it stuck with me. Anyway we lest and I came home and thought about her comment again. I went to look at her Facebook and came across some home photos. In it were signs like pampas grass and more pineapples. When

suddenly something dawned on me, I'd heard in the past these are telltale signs of swingers. I then googled a little more and there were some other signs. I perhaps thought it could be a multitude of accidental objects that were signs of a swinger, but then I noticed a black band on their wrists or ring on the right hand in photos and this again is a sign of a swinger. Then I was thinking she was hinting to me about their lifestyle or am I going insane? Anyway, I'm happily married and have never considered swinging. She didn't flirt with me and I didn't get the vibe, but now I've started to begin to wonder if they are swingers.

And was it a hint to me? I didn't obviously take it up. It isn't for me. But do either of you think that this is a possibility or am I truly going insane? Also, do any of the listeners know about swinging and what this means and would this be how someone announces it or is it more you go to a meeting or something? Not a clue, I have a very typical average life and probably sex life. Just wanted some advice on whether this could be a clue for a swinger or if I'm going insane. Just interesting to know if I've been more aware than I realise

and also my daughter might be best friends with a swingers daughter who's so famous. A very different one, might I fit the conversation into swinging? I have no idea, it's definitely not for me but sure you guys might have heard something about this way of life. I also googled and apparently 15% of couples are. Is this true? Also, it really isn't for me. I'd be so jealous, but I'm so intrigued as to if this is just all around me, I'm naive. Thanks again, girls, for your advice. It will help me work out if I'm seeing these facts

or maybe going crazy. Thank you for your pod and always doing such an amazing job. Firstly, I was just thinking, I think on our Instagram, we should do a poll. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, firstly, I was just thinking, I'd probably be convinced. I want to look up this black ring thing. Wristband or ring? Are you sure that's not wristband? Are those whoop?

No, are they, um, aura rings? Yeah, there's that, aren't there? They're like, metal-y, I suppose. I don't know. So do I. The thing is, some people might just like pineapples. I don't know whether you're keeping it. Here you go.

Wearing a black ring on the middle finger is supposed to be asexual, whilst wearing the ring finger is the swinger lifestyle. So it depends what finger. Interesting. I'm gonna Google signs of a swinger. What? Are you ready? Yeah.

Okay, signs of a swinger may include pineapple themed items, anklets or attending swinger parties, well obviously. Pineapple themed items, a pineapple door knocker displayed upside down, a pineapple necklace or anklet, a bathing suit with pineapples, heart, thumbs on the left ankle. Hang on. Pampas grass, a black ring on the right hand.

Rina, you've got Pampas in there. Are you a swinger? I was, yeah. Flamingos, garden gnomes placed in suggestive positions could indicate swingers. White rocks. Yeah, so the most common signs are pineapples, Pampas grass, flamingos, and black rings. Yeah, and do you... I wonder if they've got any white rocks. Really more white rocks. Let's go to the visuals. It's got visuals of everything. White landscaping

rocks. Oh great I've got that in my house. Hot tubs. They've probably got one if they've got a big house. Yeah antlers, wristbands, thumb rings and toe rings. Toe rings give me the it. Lutfers strapped to a car. You know what, I like a bastard lutfer. Yeah. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. If I'd been there and I'd noticed those signs and then went on Google, I would be 100% convinced. I also feel like generally swingers are like

well off people. Yeah. Like I do, I feel like a lot of it is just from the sounds of it, there's a story. generally swingers are like well-off people. Yeah. Like I do, I feel like a lot of it is, just from the sounds of it, there's this aura is, it's always like highly respected people. I feel like, yeah, that for me is just like,

I would be convinced. I mean, it doesn't make them a bad person. It just means they've got a sexual flavor, taste. Lot's of flavor. I think you should just see what happens. And if you don't invite us to the party you can go and you can be like our mole and you can come back and tell us what happened. Keep us updated. And if you want to take a unicorn.

Coming out now. We're all timid and shy when we spoke about swinging for the last year. No, I'm actually joking. Can't think of anything worse right now. Thank you. Okay. My shit show. Hello.

From Sydney, Australia. What? Guys, why are you doing this to us? We're going to have a classic show. No, I'm not even joking. I've been watching the girls' bar on their tour and I'm just... We're doing it, Tash. Even if we didn't do as many shows as them, we did a few. Okay. If you're Australian and you're listening right now, send us a message.

Yeah. Can you? How can we do it? I'm sorry. Yeah. What's wrong with me today? I don't know. I want to collate where people are from. How do we do that? I don't know.

Neither. Maybe we look at analytics. That's a good word. Pardon me. Can you tell I'm feeling a lot better? Well, I've never seen you so happy. I'm not gonna lie guys. I'm so sad.

Do you think you took the energy out of me? 28 days no contact. I'm telling you, it's a thing. Well it would have been great if you could have told me that last year. For anyone who's not in no contact yet and they've gone for a break up, from today, if you're listening to this, want you to pinky swear to me, no more. Cut. Delete.

Bye. Bad boy. Boy, bye. Right, glad I found you guys. My story is that I am a mum of six. I moved here because I married and divorced an Aussie and now I'm stuck here. Oh no. This worst place is to be stuck.

I guess I could, she literally wrote, I guess they're a place is to be stuck again. I guess she literally wrote, guess there are worst places to be stuck. Yeah, or in a toxic relationship with an Englishman. This is a claim my husband made. My husband of 20 years went off with my friend who I walked with every day and cried to when I got the text from my husband that he was moving out. Can you imagine? No. What?

In the spot? What? Can you imagine being that person that's walking with this woman knowing you're sleeping with her husband? There are some bad, bad people in this world. Like I can't imagine. I wouldn't be able to look so I'm the worst liar wouldn't be able to look like how would you go for a walk? I'd have to make excuses that I had the shits or something. Yeah, it would make you feel and I do we've spoken about this before how like lying can make you physically ill. Um, wow.

He then took me to court and divulged all of my vulnerabilities that I'd confided in him over the years. I had lost my sight many times in the last ten years due to detached retinas and had multiple eye surgeries and he even used the time I told him I'd rather be dead than blind saying I was suicidal throughout my marriage to make me look like I'm an unfit mother. That is fucking vile. That's disgusting. My eldest son is from a previous relationship and my husband has cut him off too now saying we have one brain between us. Safe to say we have no co-parent in relationship as I just find it all too hard as he is so abusive.

Anyway, moving on. I met a man three years later on a dating app and while he was not my type, I liked his values and morals and I thought, finally I've met someone who will love me how I need to be loved. A year into our relationship, he went on a boys' weekend. I remember feeling how nice it was that I trusted him and he wouldn't cheat because he didn't seem that type. He messaged me on the Sunday morning after night out at about 7.30am saying, Good morning beautiful, I'll see you later. I went over there that night and we had sex.

Everything was wonderful. A week later he went downstairs and his phone pinged. Sunink made me look at his phone and to go on Instagram. I found he searched up a woman that I didn't recognise. I screenshot her name and sent her a message. Yes, psycho. She never replied. I confronted him and he said it was his friend who hooked up with her on the night out and they were looking her up together. Blood drained from his face. I knew he was lying. We had a bit of an argument, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Fast forward to another couple of weeks he was in the shower. I grabbed the phone,

I looked up the deleted messages, yep, psycho again, and found he messaged his best mate saying, Newcastle has messaged me. The friend replied, sensational, when are you going up there? He had replied, I've asked her when she's coming down. My heart sank, I was so upset, he came out of the shower and we argued, he ended up saying, what are you doing, going on my phone, fuck off. I got my son to pick me up, I was devastated. A few days later he called me, apologized, and said it was nothing. He still tried to worm his way out of it, and I didn't believe him, but I still didn't have any proof, and I was so over being hurt that I just continued with him. It felt easier. Pathetic, I know.

6am one morning my phone started to ring. It was an Instagram call and it was the woman I had messaged. She said she'd only just seen my message. She felt compelled to call me. She told me they had slept together. He had told her he was single. She was really nice and remorseful. She said she didn't think he had a partner. See, this is the thing. We always blame the other women. At the time they are just as She was really nice and remorseful. She said she didn't think he had a partner. See, this is the thing. We always blame the other women. At the time, they are just as clueless as we are. I kept it to myself all day until I went over to his house that evening.

I gave him every opportunity to tell the truth, and he still lied. He even swore on his kids' lives. I always do. I swear like that means nothing to them. He begged me and begged me and said he just got caught up in a web of lies and he was sorry. However, she had told me that he messaged her the morning after and said thanks for a great night.

And then he continued to message her asking when she was next back in Sydney, all the while he was messaging me and telling me how much he loved me. After lots of tears, lots of shouting, I agreed to give it another go because my self-esteem is so low for my ex-husband that I'm so used to accepting shit behaviour. I didn't want to feel like this again and I was ashamed I had chosen the wrong man again. He hasn't put a foot wrong since. He's been loving, adoring and I feel happy. But this just hangs over my head every day. I don't know what to do. Please no judgement. It's been a really, really shit few years. I can't believe he did this to me knowing what I've been through with my

ex-husband. Love you girls and any advice is appreciated. There's never any judgement here. Can we quickly just put that out? Everything we hear, everything that we say, there is no judgment. I can't sit there and judge anyone. I stayed in my marriage for far too long. I was treated like an absolute fucking doormat. Shit on his shoe was in a better position than me.

So I can't sit here and say anything. But what I can say is I really hope after listening to everything that we've just spoken about at the beginning of this episode and then hearing your email, babe, the only thing that's gonna change is when you decide to love yourself more than you love him and you need to leave

because nothing is ever gonna change. Like when someone, I'm not saying that you can't come back from someone cheating, but when it's been done in a way where they get caught and they continue to lie, they gaslight you, they make you feel like you're the problem.

It's not just the cheating, yeah. That, oh, I'm gonna do it again, that he got caught, he's sorry he got caught, he didn't, he'd come and tell you and confess. Yeah, like it took for the woman to call you for you to know. Like, as well, the thing that stood out for me is at the end you said, it's hanging over my head every day. Yes, it's been amazing, but it's hanging over my head. You're not letting go of that. And I'm really sorry, but that's for me is an unhealthy relationship. A relationship should be a place

of trust, a place of feeling safe. And the fact that I was hanging over you tells me you don't feel safe. He's done it once. And in my opinion, and that is my opinion, it could be wrong to some people, but in my opinion it's why I left my marriage. You know, trust was broken. I knew that would forever hang over me. I would never trust the man again and thank God I did leave because I don't want a toxic relationship, I don't want to feel unsafe in a place where I should feel like home. Also, I feel like I spent so many years when I'd get like a random message from someone, I felt like I was constantly on edge, like I was waiting for that bad news to find.

That's probably how you're feeling right now. That is not how you're meant to be in a relationship. Like, taking it from someone that has been in your shoes and had that feeling hanging over them whilst staying in the relationship, to now being in a relationship where I've never, ever felt more calm and safe before, and it's possible to do it with a different person,

not trying to change the person you're with who's done it before, but with a new person. And can I just say something? At the start of that message stood out to me. You said, he's not my usual type, but I felt like he would be the person who could love me. Like, what about, I don't know, just something about that just didn't sit right with me. Like, I feel like you've got so much work to do on your self-worth. I feel like

you only feel worthy of a certain type of person and I think you just need to learn to love yourself and really see how much value you bring to the table and how incredible you are. Firstly, like, the strength you have to have got through what you've got through and to be dealing with someone who does sound incredibly narcissistic in terms of your ex-husband. But I wonder whether you've ever really stepped back and done that work and learning to love yourself and doing things that make yourself feel good because then you do genuinely start attracting the right kind of people into your life. I also feel like you've got six children, you are,

which is unbelievable, but like you're a role model to them. Like, do you want, I don't know whether you've got sons or daughters. Probably a mix at six. As you would think. But do you want to show them what a real loving relationship look like, would you be happy if they cut up with what you're currently accepting?

I'm sure the answer is no. So I think it is about taking a step back and thinking, do you know what? I just have to be with someone that only has eyes for me, that only thinks of me, that prioritizes me, that respects me. And you can't say that about the person who you're with. No, I very... So I think it's time to take a big step and lead the relationship. And I know that's maybe not easy and I know that everyone has to do it in their own time, but there's a reason you wrote it. Yeah, I agree.

I think you know deep down what advice we would be giving because I don't think there'd ever be an email like that that we would read and be like, do you know what, give him another chance. He doesn't sound like he's worthy of one. Thank you for emailing it. Okay, confession of the week, by the way, send yours in now, guys.

We've got a group on Patreon that they're sending them in, but we want some more because we went a few weeks before we did. We do love them. To do them, so okay, ready. Okay, confession of the week. So my husband is a whiskey drinker. He loved a really good one. The more expensive the better for him. He sold and bought his own of course. When I kicked him out of my life and house 17 years together, an email will come me away one day.

I decided whilst packing up the drinks cabinet for him to top the oldest and most expensive bottle I gave him up. I felt bad but I poured a large Starbucks cup worth of wee into the bottle. Oh my god. He wouldn't know and to be honest he landed me in so much shit that really was mild. I've also successfully sold six of his expensive shirts. I bought him all of his clothes. On Vinted recently,

silly fool didn't check the airing cupboard. I'm relating to having things sold on Vinted. I am dying. I actually topped up his most ex- No, that was gross. Old, Drillium with wee. No judgment. I'm going for it.

No judgment at all. We listen and we don't judge. Please carry on sending in your confessions of the week. Make sure you go and sign up to Patreon. Why you can't? We need to do an affirmation. I'm going to need to do an affirmation so I'm getting way ahead of myself. Go on, affirmation girl.

I'm very affirmation-y at the moment. Don't think that's a verb. No. Should be one though. It's time to start looking within. Rather than continuing to search for something perfect, that you want for yourself, make sure that you are perfect for it. High percents. Perfect, but you know what I mean.

Make sure that all the qualities that you want in someone, make sure that you are that and then you will attract something better into your life. Amen. Amen. Thanks guys. Love you lots. Bye.

Bye.