Not As We Planned - 81. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

We talk about the difference between mums and dads and how men get praised for doing the bare minimum, getting told your marriage is over with a letter left in the kitchen and we give advice about that first break up after divorceLink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys! Hi guys! We're back to Not As We Planned. Hope everyone's had a good week. I mean, the sun is shining. The sun is shining. I feel like it is magic. It changes your mood. It just, like for me,

I've had a really testing week. Yeah, you have. Like, if you don't laugh, you cry. Yeah. And I genuinely feel like the weather has helped me handle it better. But also, like, it's just shown me how much work I've done on my headspace in terms of taking that ownership of controlling your like where you are and how you look at things. Like I had a day, when was it? I think it must have been Tuesday night where bad stuff was like literally happening to like half nine, you know, and you literally have a day and you're like, really Universe? I'm in my positive era and you are killing me right now.

So I put myself to bed and I woke up and was determined not to let it go into another day and I didn't, so. I'm here for it. How's your week been? How's my week? I'm trying to think what I've even done. Existed.

I literally don't have a update. And do you know what? No news is good news. It's great. I had a bit of a situation with the ex, but maybe I'll delve into that a bit on Patreon. Yeah, interesting. What about you?

Do you know what? I'm doing really well. It's interesting when I do question box, people are like, how are you? Like really, I'm like, I'm really good. I'm literally feel like I've come back to life and like a phoenix risen from the ashes. No people keep messaging me all this stuff. Like I keep posting this picture that I took, a really beautiful picture of the moon and then Venus was next to it. And like

hang on I screen-shotted it. Venus was next to it? You can see the planet. You've been missing so much this week. It's like a real big thing. Hang on. I think I was next to it. You see the planet, do you not? You've been missing so much this week. It's like a real big thing, hang on. I think I screenshotted what someone said to me about it yesterday. I've been too consumed. So I took this really beautiful picture of the moon and it looks like a bright star, but it's not, it's Venus.

Really? And she said, And she said, it symbolizes beauty, fertility, love and victory. And she said, I think it's really symbolic. It doesn't twinkle. She steadily shines, which I also think is really symbolic. It's just like during your Venus era. I'm like, I'm so in my Venus era. Like men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

Yeah, honestly, I feel so content. I am really proud of myself because I have, every single day, I feel like I'm taking so much accountability for the way I feel. So last night, I actually had a bad dream about my ex. And in this dream, we were and like we were just talking through things and I kept seeing that messages on his Instagram flashing up, like from all these different girls he was DMing. Do you know what we caught?

I need to pause, I need to pause you a minute because it's really fucking weird, okay? I remember once I got to a point of my breakup and I was at that acceptance and I had finally done well, I kept having dreams about him. And I remember speaking to Shelly about it. So Shelly is my therapist who is now Carly's therapist. And she was like, I was waiting for that. It's really profound when you start dreaming about them because it's like your subconscious letting go. Really? What? Thank you. go. Really? What? No, but it's weird. It's like, it's like you've accepted it like in

like real reality life. And then like, cause was the dream almost like a bit negative about him? Yeah. Honestly, like I had that and then I found it really profound that it was almost like, like removing him from my subconscious. Yeah. How weird I had it. So I haven't been dreaming about him at all, which I've also found weird. I didn't either, how weird I had it. So I haven't been dreaming about him at all, which I've also found weird. And then I had all that pride when I was good. I'll be honest, I haven't cried in weeks. Other than therapy, that's different. And that's not about him. That's about Vaggie. And also I feel like even when you sometimes get a bit tearful with the podcast, again, I think that like, that I, again, I think that's different.

I also don't think it's, I don't cry about like not being with him. It's more like realizations and awakenings and things like that. But so this stream, he was like DMing all these girls and like just being like, so another one. Like, yeah, like just being like, like not the person I thought. And it was like a few weeks after we'd broken up and I was like, wow, like I thought I meant more to you than that. And like, and like then he was like grabbing his phone back so I couldn't see. And then he went into the bar, such a weird room, he went into the bathroom and I went down his wallet and he still had this thing that I got him like, I bought him this thing for his wallet when he travels

and it was like, we're both looking at the same thing or something like that, really cheesy. And then I was like, he still loves you, Carly. Like, he still loves you, but he's being an asshole. It was the weirdest thing. Anyway, I woke up this morning and I felt really funny and I was like, oh my God, like what if he's messaging loads of girls and stuff?

Then what I did, I woke up, I was like, nah, this is not gonna be your headspace today, Carly. And this is what I mean, like taking control of it. I was like, first it's a dream. There's nothing worse than like when you're with someone they're cheating on your dream and then that goes into your day. But I was like, nah, I opened my journal,

our journal, to the page where it was benefits of not being with my ex. And I read through that list I'd written and I was like, oh yeah, you don't like, he's not your person. But then I also thought, do you know what? If that is what he's doing, like, ick, like, but I think as well because of the way I'm handling this breakup, like wow, I am going to blow smoke up my own ass. I'm so fucking proud of myself because I certainly didn't handle my marriage breakdown in this way.

And I think genuinely it's from like educating myself from us doing this podcast that is making me take the steps I'm taking now. But like I was still like, if is messaging someone like that makes me like Really not want him like not that I think it would mean our relationship meant any less but just like ooh You can't be on your own you you can't do the work. That's how you do your healing This is how you know I'm like I feel like that's probably like the epiphany I ended up having once I found out that my girlfriend really quickly because at first it floored me, because I'd never been so shocked in my life about anything. But afterwards I was a bit like, wow, thank you for confirming to me why I'm not with you,

because I'm doing it this way and you're doing it the way that I slag out all these men are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that's what I realized, if he is doing that, lucky escape. I think what I've also realized is, think a quality I'm going to find really attractive when I do start thinking about putting myself out there is someone who's actively doing the work.

For me, someone who is into self-development and becoming a really good version of themselves and healing any past trauma on their own, on their own accord, not looking to seek validation from other people. Like for me, that is one of the sexiest fucking traits in the world. My boyfriend. I just find that really attractive and like, yeah, so. I'm so certain. I just have the same values, isn't it? Because that's how you've done it. So you're going to want to find something that's not just like- I'm 100% and like, you're only going to find someone like what we said the other week. Like if you're doing that, like how can I expect to find something that's not just that. And like you're only gonna find someone like what we said the other week, like if you're doing that,

like how can I expect to find someone who's healed if I'm not doing the active work to heal? Amen. I've had loads of messages this week about like the no contact. I hit four weeks no contact this week. Four weeks, over 30 days of no contact. Did I share last week that I deleted his number?

I think so, yeah. I'm feeling really, really good. And I've had people like message me like, how do you go no contact with the father of your kids? Sadly, you can't. Honestly, I feel like my journey healing from my ex-husband would be so different if I could have gone no contact from him.

Like I feel like I would be a completely different person. And I'll be completely honest, like I'm two years in now and I'm still so triggered by the man, like I still find it really hard. Another update was it was my two years, two years since we separated at the weekend. And I felt so proud looking back and seeing how far I'd come because I remember that day, I honestly felt like my life was over.

I remember thinking like, what the fuck is the point anymore? Like your family's gone, like, lol, like you're mid thirties, you know, and I did have really dark thoughts when we first broke up. I thought, what is the point and all this. And I feel really sad for that person that I ever felt that low. Like that makes me so angry that someone could have made me feel like that.

But I'm so proud that I pulled myself, do you know what, I pulled myself out and I didn't even manage to do the work in the way I'm doing it now. Like imagine if I'd been able to do that then where I'd be now. But something I wanted to say about the no contact, I was listening to Mel Robbins, my life guru at the moment, and she was talking

about the no contact and she was saying, you have to go no contact for 30 days. Okay. You have to go no contact 30 days. And it's like what we said, no watching videos, particularly no voice notes. Apparently there's something about the voice that triggers and awakens something in your nervous system. Their voice is like supercharged in terms of the coding it has and like the associations you have to them. And it like activates old patterns in terms of like your behaviour, your routines and stuff and then because the whole point of no contact is gaining that space to learn to like live life without them. Like you have to adapt your routine.

You know cold turkey is like a withdrawal, it's like drugs. It's literally like an addition and I remember- A similar period of time. Yeah and I remember when I went no contact, I remember talking about it and I didn't want to like disrespect anyone that obviously has addiction problems because yeah, I'm not an addict. I felt like an addict. I felt like I was pining and craving. It was literally like that desperate need to like, I felt addicted to him. And it was, and it is the moment you read a message or you go to see if he's viewed your story.

Like that in theory is breaking no contacts to your own healing process. Not necessarily them being aware that you've broken contact because you have it. But I think that's also probably why it took me so long. Because even though in my head I was like, we haven't spoken, no contact. I was like, I kept seeing on our podcast. I can see when you search it. Whereas me, I've like went on like literally day after day and was like block, block, block. Oh my

god, honestly, you should never know. You should see my WhatsApp conversation that I don't have anymore. Block and block, block and block. But he was doing the same and it would be that rush of like, he's just viewed this or he's just unblocked me and I wonder what he's thinking and like, it was so bad and like, yeah, like I just feel like that is the prime example of it shows that like, no contact is so much more than verbally speaking to each other. Oh my god, yeah, it really is. Because there were things like, yeah, I feel like I have cut every possible way of knowing

what he's doing. Yeah, you've done full 30 day no contact. I've done, yeah, like I haven't looked at a picture. If I have, it's been by mistake because I'm searching for something and I've deleted quite a few as I'm on. something. And I've deleted quite a few as I've gone. I refuse to listen to his voice. I could not tell you what his voice sounds like anymore. And you know, you've got to like unlearn

what life looks with that person. And I think because I had the long distance, I've been able to unlearn it quicker because he wasn't in my life every single day. Like, and I'm unlearning like, waking up at night, like some of the things I was doing is quite a nice thing to unlearn because I'm creating healthier habits and I don't know, I'm, I think it's, I think what it is showing really is, and this is why, do you remember I said a few weeks ago,

I used to have that constant battle with myself, because I'd be like, you're the only person that has control whether you're gonna get over this, and then I'd be really sad looking at stuff, and then I'd get angry with myself, I'm like, you're not helping yourself, you're not gonna get over it, because you're not doing it.

And it really does show that it is all about taking that control and accountability for your own healing journey because I didn't do that. And it's, I don't think that, I think I used to tell myself that it took me so long to get over him. And I think I'm even only noticing this now as I'm saying it, but I think I thought it took me so long because of how much love I had for him. But I think it was more like I was just too weak to let him go, to get to that acceptance, to give myself, hold myself accountable for doing it. And that's why I was in such a battle with myself because I knew deep down, it's very much like manifesting. I'm not going to manifest something unless you're on that

positive vibration. And I wouldn't let myself get there. And I think that's where I've seen the switch is like, I'm like, you can wake up and choose to feel miserable every day or you promise yourself that this year was going to be your best year ever. We're in March, like honey, wake up, like make those changes. And I think where I've managed to switch to a high vibration, we've got really exciting things coming with the podcast. There are so many opportunities and I think if you don't get yourself on those positive vibrations and a good mindset, you're going to miss things that are right in front of

you. You're going to waste months and months and months. And like, Joe what? Someone who loves you so much or you love so much, the right person would move a physical mountain for you. The right person wouldn't not be in your life right now. They'd be right there with you because that's what the right person would be doing.

They wouldn't, you wouldn't not be together. I just think, I don't know, I've just also stepping back, doing the work, doing the therapy. Let's just say I'm realizing more and more now, I did put the man on a pedestal and I'm not saying he's a bad person, he's not, he's just not the right person for me and I'm understanding that so much more and understanding, I don't think I knew what my needs were before I went into the relationship. All I'd ever known was how to be a wife and how to be married and a mother and I didn't know what I needed and I just think I'm understanding what it is and dare

I say it, so I'm two months into it now, two months broken up, haven't seen him. I'm excited about what is ahead of me. I'm excited about my future and I know some people like sit there and they're like, do you know what? I don't mind if I don't meet a person, I don't mind if I'm on my own forever. Do you know what, I wouldn't mind if I am on my own forever, I'll make it the best damn life ever. But for me it is quite important, I do want to meet someone and I will meet someone, like I absolutely will meet someone and when I'm in the head space where I feel like I've done so much work, that I've got all this self-worth and belief and confidence, I'm going to attract the most incredible man into my life.

And I'm going to be like, this was why, this was why it happened. And I'm, you know, there was a really interesting statement slash question that I heard on this podcast. And I think anyone listening to this going through a breakup who's in the middle of a separation and divorce or whatever it is, I just want you to consider this because this really made me think and I just think it's pretty amazing. So let's put ourselves in the situation. You've gone through a breakup, you're feeling miserable. If you knew that the love of your life was literally around the corner, you were going to meet them in say, 100 days, 150 days. What would you spend the rest of your time being single doing?

Would you spend it moping around, pining after them, like ruminating, going around and around in circles, stalking your ex on social media? Would you be out there filling your life, doing fun things you might not get to do in a relationship or growing into an amazing person so you can be the best version of yourself and show up in this relationship? Would you? I don't know. Do you know what I mean? It was a really interesting concept. It was to do with this man he'd written in and he was like saying like,

he'd broken up with his ex but like he was going to the gym so he could look better for her and he was dating other women to make her jealous and he was basically living his life for her without like, and she's like, you need to let her go. Like, what are you gonna do? Like, leave your life for someone else. No, like she's gone, she's not coming back. What would you do if you knew in a hundred days you were gonna meet the love of your life?

You wouldn't spend it doing that. So I just thought that was really interesting. Something that I wanna touch on, I think sort of maybe following on from, I feel like we've been quite reflective the last few weeks, especially with what you're going through. So I think I've sort of like sat there and like give him my two pence about my relationship.

And I think something that, it was a quote that we shared the other day and it was like, stop romanticizing the bare fucking minimum. And I we shared the other day and it was like stop romanticizing the bare fucking minimum. And I saw something the other day on TikTok that I wanted to touch on, I feel like we can probably delve quite deeply into is not actually about relationships, but more about the difference between probably like mums and dads when it comes to co-parenting or even when you're married. And I just feel like I'm actually guilty of doing this with my ex-husband when I was with him because people always used to say to me, God, he's such a good dad. And I'd be like, yeah,

I know he's so hands on. And I look back and I think like, why was I praising my husband for being hands on with his own children? He fucking should be. I praising my husband for being hands-on with his own children? He fucking should be. I never got praised for being hands-on with my children because it's a given. And I just feel like far too many times we put these dads or men on pedestals for doing the bare minimum and showing up

because they should. Like, oh my God, like he's so amazing because he pays maintenance. Like how lucky, you're so good because he doesn't let you down and counsel you. He sees the kids when he's meant to. So he fucking should. I feel like- Why are we praising these men for doing what they should be doing and then we get absolutely

fuck all for going above and beyond what we should be doing? I feel like I literally loved that my ex- ex boyfriend was such a good dad because he spent quality time with his children and like I don't take it away he is a good dad but isn't that what being a dad is like it's so confusing but it actually it actually makes me angry because I would love someone to stand there and be like, look at these women. Like they're doing more. They're paying more. They literally have very, very limited time to themselves to even fucking sit on a toilet,

let alone like, I don't know, like we're praising these people who are showing up like every other weekend or once a week, but they're showing up. They're providing clothes and a roof over our kids' head. Like, why are we shouting about it? They are literally doing bare minimum and it really irritates me. I had a situation this week, I'm not going to go into it. Something I've been asking for for a long time. He did it. And now he's like, they think that basically he thinks his dad's dad. Yeah, I know. And he's really irritated me. And I put myself constantly in situations like I'm not just talking financially, but I am the kind of person I don't want my child to miss out on anything financially

because of our situation at home. So like things like my oldest does love doing karate and it's not cheap. I had to buy the uniform. I have to pay the monthly term fees. I have to pay this thing so he could do his grading and stuff and it adds up I had a situation do you know what actually I don't care about sharing this bit and then I'll share the other bit on patreon because it's wild but it's wild yeah just I can't even like that is what I'm gonna be thinking of when we go to the

rage room tomorrow good oh it's a great week for us to get to the Rage Room, honestly. It's stuff I can't share. I can't remember what I shared on the main and what I think I've, did I share it on Patreon about the whole football thing or the main? I can't remember. I can't remember either. But basically, cut a long story short, like I've got two boys, like one of which played, that Blake plays football.

He wasn't very good at it. He got very upset. He wanted to stop. I tried to encourage his dad, who by the way, just to paint a picture, is a massive, massive football fan. He's actually a qualified football coach and he was a semi-professional footballer but he's never kicked a ball with his son. So I gave him a month, he didn't do anything with him, so I've now booked him one-on-one coaching, which he's loving. It's so new. It's so lovely. And the weekend just gone. It was really sunny out, gorgeous weather. Ivy went to a party. So I thought in my head, I thought, Oh, like, their dad is with just

the boys. What? It would be so nice to hear that maybe he took them to the park or played football with them. What did he do? He left them with his parents and he went and played football. And it's just like, I know that I shouldn't expect, I don't expect, I really, really don't. My expectations are very, very low but other things happen that I'm not going to share on here because I don't wanna get into the nitty gritty, but I think it's just, it's realizing what is actually going above and beyond and what they can maybe be praised for, and then realizing actually like you are just showing up.

Like my friends used to think that he was such a hands-on good dad because he knew how to pack their bag for a day out and he'd be able to take all three kids or the twins at the time out for lunch. That's not being a good dad, that's being a dad. And I feel like too many times we are praising these men for doing things that they should be doing off their own back, not being pushed, not being forced, not, I really need a day off from being a mum, like do you mind having them? And then when friends hear that your husband has your kids for the day,

they're blowing smoke up their ass, but for what? For fucking having their children. Like no, we've gotta stop, like we said, romanticizing the bare fucking minimum, because all it actually does is, makes them probably feel like they're God's fucking gift. I actually completely think this.

It's frustrating isn't it? Yeah. And I didn't see it at the top. I feel like this will change my perspective when I'm dating, like what I classify it. Not, like I'm not downplaying it, like fair enough you show up, like you're pouring into your kids.

I've got a lot of respect for people who, like, focus their attention on their kids when they're with them, that kind of thing. But that's still bare minimum. Yeah, it's great. But I think, do you know what? I think we live in a world where actually so many people aren't even hitting bare minimum,

pretty much anything in life, in their relationships, in their role as parents, mostly dads come at me, genuinely believe that and I think... Like don't get me wrong, I don't want to take away any praise for things that are good. Like you know when we've done before like bare minimum and green flag, like don't get me wrong, there are some things that are green flags that are still bare minimum, but they are green flags. So like, for example, like we would both never date anyone that's not a good dad. It doesn't, and I'm not saying like, oh, well that's bare minimum. Like, I don't know how I had to articulate it. Like it is bare minimum, but that is still a green

flag. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. But I feel like it's more the other way around of being like, wow, they're a good dad. Things like, yeah, and just as you were saying that, I was thinking, I was in the playground yesterday and one of the moms said to me, God, like I've had such a hard week, like I think she had like strapped something on her throat, she's been in bed like for three days and she looked at me and she was like, I don't know how you do it on

your own when you're unwell and you still pull it through. And I'm like, for me, that's not even being a good mum, that's just being a mum. You get up, you deal with it. And it's things like, it's the same the other way around. Like I'm not sat here saying like, I want all this praise for being a good mom. I know I'm a good mom and I do things that do make me quite an exceptional mom. But the things that we should be doing, like supporting our children with their interests and things like that, things like taking days off work when they're unwell, things like pulling through when you're unwell, that's pulling through when you're unwell, that's just being a mum. It's not going above and beyond. I mean, I think what I think what it is, is it's funny where when we do certain things, it's just being a mum. Yeah. But when men do the

exact same thing, they're an amazing dad. I completely agree. And I think that's what I sort of want to try and like separate is I'm all for like, things are, wow, you're a good dad. I think that's what I sort of want to try and like separate is I'm all for like things are wow you're a good dad like I would never take that away from someone I wouldn't be like oh well so you should be. Better minimum. Yeah but like I think it's just like let's try and stay on a bit more of a level of like. If you want to call him an amazing dad call yourself an amazing mum. Yeah we are fucking amazing. We are but you don't get enough credit and do you what, I feel like women more celebrate each other. I particularly noticed that online, like the amount of women daily getting told

like you're an amazing mom, like your boys are so lucky. But we just, yeah, we need to take these men off these pedestals. It's again, placing them on a pedestal because they are doing what we do every single day without complaining or making a song and dance about it and waiting for a medal. It's like once a week. But also, you know, like when I shared that, I shared a video with Blake with his coach and like the feedback, like the positive messages I got from other minds and actually even some men being like, he's going to thank you for that one day. Like you really like, really thought about the process in regards to like, obviously him having like autism and ADHD and him being really upset and like,

trying to encourage him and not just like, I guess I just find it really weird how a parent can be so I just find it really weird how a parent can be so uninvolved by choice. Do you know? I mean, yeah, I guess it's just- It's like what we always say, like, it's like when we say we don't understand how someone could do things. We don't want to understand. We don't want to understand why someone could be like that because we're not that way inclined to- And we never will understand.

And we never will. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, should we get into an email? What's wrong with us at the moment? We don't stop talking. Right. Head in the shed. What is in like a head or giving head? Don't know, should I read?

Yes. I am binge listening to your podcast as my friend sent it to me and has helped me so much since my husband left in November 2024. I am only on episode 46 though. We were together for 12 years, married for seven. We have two children, six and three. The six-year-old is autistic, ADHD and although at mainstream school can be violent and unpredictable, although loving and sensitive. My husband walked out one Friday night briefly telling me he had been unhappy for ages and he was staying with his dad for the foreseeable. Cheers mate.

You'll see ya. Love that communication. He is done in midweek. Why do you want a weekend? That's one. He then picked up the children on the Monday and brought them home as I got in from work at 7pm. He left quickly and then I found a letter on the microwave ending our marriage.

Can you imagine she didn't find it? And then I found a letter on the microwave ending our marriage. Oh! Can you imagine she didn't find it? Cause I never see anything in my house. Like the post is left for weeks. There's letters everywhere. There's drawings. Can you imagine if she never read the letter and he thinks like, I've left her a letter, so we're done.

But like she never reads it. And she's like, honey, what time you home for dinner? This was obviously heartbreaking and I was left without a real answer as to why this ending was what was happening. Fast forward, I held it together, accepted his decision and knew there was no going back. I decided to focus on a positive co-parenting relationship and this involved him coming over to support some evenings whilst I was at work. We even spent Christmas morning together and he had them overnight at the weekend. I'd got a feeling about an account that had been following him on Instagram and as I knew I was becoming obsessed with thinking about it,

I took myself off social media. I love this self-discipline. However, in January, I was with him doing finances and saw he received a message from this account. I was with him doing finances and saw he received a message from this account. Later that evening, curiosity got the better of me and I ended up logging into his Instagram account in the middle of the night. I found not a few, but hundreds of messages between him and this woman's business account. She is married and has a one year old and six year old. I know this as we have mutual friends. I think the messages started around two weeks after he left the marriage, although I could only see from December. These involved explicit videos and images that were being sent every day to one another. Why on Instagram?

Ew. That's weird. No, I guess it's like you can turn off notifications, so it's probably easier she's married. Right. That's a guess. Within the messages they discussed me a lot and my ex-husband had been saying things such as I'm a money grabber, I am grumpy he can't bear to be around me and saying I would kill his erection. If she wore underwear that would remind her of me. Ah! It'd kill his erection if this new woman wore underwear that reminded him of his wife.

Cool. Nice. So disgustingly disrespectful. It was so disrespectful after I felt I remained so calm throughout the whole heartbreaking experience and still allowed him into my home. That's what it is again. I don't understand these men that are, they're the ones that do the wrong, they're the ones that cheat and then they think that they have the audacity or the right to then behave in a way that is disrespectful to the mother of their children. Hard to relate. Baffled.

Yeah. They also discussed how her husband had asked if she was seeing someone and she told him he was jealous and paranoid. They sound like a dream couple. Yeah. It gets worse. The most recent messages discuss how they met up. One time I had dropped the children off at 4pm and by 5pm she had sneaked round the back of his dad's house. He had left the children locked in the house by themselves and then she had sucked him off and he fingered her in the shed. Fuck, I would go batshit crazy.

If I found out my kids were locked in the house while you were outside getting your dick sucked. Oh, I have never in my life. Oh, but he's looking after the kids. So let's say his great dad. You got a great dad. They will know what he looked the door. They're saying, say, great dad, great dad safety first. They were both laughing in the messages how my son had to get the key to let his dad back in. Hilarious, hon.

Long story short. Giving neglect. I'm saying that. Long story short, he discovered I knew everything about this and then they accused her husband of being violent saying she was scared if he found out to try and get me to keep quiet. I have left it and not said anything, However, I still believe they are continuing the affair and I feel angry that she is able to get away with this and there is no consequence for either of their behavior. I'll tell him.

The one thing it did do was knock my husband off the pedestal and help me realize what an ick he really is. You know that, have you seen that TikTok trend when it's like, and in a moment it can all go, it's like when they come off the pedestal. Yeah, I'm not really sure what I'm expecting from this but it helps me feel better to air it to the best therapy around. Thanks so much, this podcast has meant more than you will ever know. Honestly, like he, I'm sure you know this already but he's done you such a favour to move on quickly because wow, like he, I'm sure you know this already, but he's done you such a favor to move on quickly because wow, like all the best to them.

They sound like they've got a really, really good foundation for a lovely growing relationship. I would tell him, I would tell the husband. It really irritates me when people who have a responsibility think about their penis first or like then they like I don't think is I think you get to a point where you have to separate out that you were just a much better human being than he is and that's okay like you go on your journey you become an incredible person you sound like you are already but you're going to become this like even stronger like resilient human being and he's just like off like immediately.

That actually makes him feel ill like he's in a shed getting his willy sucked. Like imagine all the cobwebs in there hun. I mean you should have a tea. Honestly, it's a bedroom but not even that I just think like I think she should have her consequences and I think you should tell the husband. I would tell the husband. Do it. Do it. Do it.

Do it. Break up after divorce. I feel like we're pros now. Right. Bring it on. I'm not as triggered anymore. Hi both. Just recently found your page and it's really helped me.

I'm a single mum of three going through a divorce. I also recently split from someone who I was dating for months and I really thought we had a connection which would go somewhere. He even met my kids and wanted to know what my expectations were with him. We had a really good connection and had so much fun together and he made me feel so comfortable and I really wanted it to work. Then he said that as our attraction and us getting close was mostly based on our emotional and mental connection, he thinks he needs to feel secure in a relationship with someone who has that physical intense attraction with from the beginning. We obviously did

have that attraction from the beginning but it got more intense as we knew each other which I think is good. Now he thinks it isn't good, a good foundation for us and it's affecting his self-worth. I don't understand. Obviously I don't need to feel like that but I just believe how our feelings now are surely more important than what they were at the beginning. But then I think I know deep down that some things weren't right, like he never had a serious relationship before. He caused silly arguments and then would get angry and also focus everything on physical attraction and sex. Like every time we would be out or watch something, he would comment

on people that he thought I would fancy. He then would always think I was messaging other people and would make comments that did upset me. He did have past issues from childhood so it all stemmed from that. I would always reassure him but it was never enough for him. I just want some advice on how to get over the first break up after divorce. I just feel like another hit and that I'll never meet anyone. Like I said, I think deep down I knew he wasn't right for me as I don't wanna be walking on eggshells in a relationship but at the same time I really wanted it to work.

I really cared for him. Is this normal to feel like another failure after another relationship hasn't worked? Completely understand how you're feeling. Like, I think that's one thing that I was sad about was wanting my first relationship to work and like, obviously like, I'd introduced the kids and stuff like that and you feel like, ah, like, and now it's not working and like the issues were there and like, like you said, like, some

of the stuff you said I think are really big things, like really big things and I think that's what you need to focus on. I would physically write those things down. So when you do have those moments of doubt, you can look back and remind yourself of why he's not your person. I would a hundred percent be going, no contact with this man, a hundred percent. He's not your person.

And I think by the sounds of it, like, I've had those thoughts, like, what if I don't meet anyone again, all that kind of thing. It's time to work on yourself because I think when you start doing that work, you realize your self-worth, you'll start loving yourself and you'll realize, do you know what? Someone would be lucky to be with you and take on your kids and, you know, all those qualities you have and you shouldn't be with someone who feels insecure about everything, or I can't remember what it was she said.

The thing about the attraction, the way I'm understanding it is he's basically implying he's not as attracted to you now as he was at the start. And for me, that would really damage myself. I think it's the other way around. And she's like, well, does it matter what things were like at the beginning? It should be that would really damage myself. I think it's the other way around and she's like, it doesn't matter what things were like at the beginning, it should be about what we feel like now. I don't, I don't think, but what I am picking up from that is that like he had a lot of issues that he obviously didn't

want to deal with and I actually think that it's good that you're not with him anymore. And you said, yeah, you said he's got loads of past issues from childhood for me. If he's not actively doing something to try and heal from those things and things from childhood or adulthood or from parts of our life that we don't heal and we don't work on, it's going to impact your relationship. It's going to come up in the form of different issues as you go on. I've only realized that from being in them. And if you don't address them, you're going to repeat the same patterns again and again. You're not going to go into a new relationship and suddenly be able to give this person everything. They'll be there. Yeah, it might be sugarcoated to begin with. It might be all about great sex to begin with. And then you'll move on

to someone else and you'll realize, oh wait, I'm still lacking self-worth or whatever it is he said. So I would go and buy a journal? It's very- I think it will happen. Yeah, it's a very much a him problem. Like, I think both Tush and I picked out from that, like, he's definitely not your person. You do need to do the hard part. Acceptance, hit that acceptance. He's not my person.

Keep telling yourself that. He's not my person, but I'm going to be okay. Do get our journal, 100%. It will help you. I promise you go no contact. I cannot tell you how, like I'm full, over four weeks no contact. I'm four and a half weeks no contact. There's not a single part of me that will reach out to him now. I've done so much work that I know where I'm at in terms of so far forwards that I actually feel like I've outgrown who he was, unless he's gone away.

You know what, I also think for anyone listening that is going through a breakup and they had the option to go no contact if you don't have kids with them, I think mine and Kylie's experience is a prime example of how quickly she's moving forward and how quickly I did. And mine was, I hold my hands up like, I didn't stick to no contact very well and neither did he. And it was a much slower process. And I got there in the end, but I would have got there quicker had I been stronger. So what I said at the beginning, it triggers something inside you. It's an actual chemical, it's to do with your nervous system. It's an actual scientific thing. It triggers the same feelings from being addicted to something. It triggers the same chemicals in there and

into your brain here and then you're chasing and craving. It just makes it harder for you to start living your life without that person. You're taking steps backwards. Like, you do have, like, people keep saying to me, God, you're so strong. I'm no different to anyone else. I wasn't built of like, built of like some magic staff. I've just, I'm taking accountability and taking responsibility. I'm not wasting my life, like, pining after someone who is not my person and you shouldn't either. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay. Confession of the Week. Guys, make sure you keep sending in your Confessions of the Week.

If you're on Patreon, we've got a group chat for it. It's episode two. And if not, email it in with a title saying Confession of the Week. During the awful time when we were still living together but not together, instead of picking up his clothes that he left all over the place like I usually did, this is what I did. One evening, I used the jeans he chucked on the dinner table after dinner. Ew. What? Why are you taking your trousers downstairs? To clean the table after the kids' dinner. Ketchup, beans, spilt juice. And I carefully placed them back in the chuck position knowing

that he would leave them there all night. As expected, he did. I knew he was going to wear them to work. He would wear the same pair for weeks. It's giving unhygienic. It's giving dirt other than it's giving smelly. It's giving disease. And never noticed how grubby or smelly they would get. I mean, that's an ick, isn't it? We did our own washing. Well, his mum did his sometimes, but that's another story. Oh, God. I listened carefully from my bedroom as he rushed around and left for work. He left and drove off wearing those jeans. Five minutes later, he's back, gets changed and off he

goes again. That evening, I asked him why he came back, gets changed and off he goes again. That evening I asked him why he came back and he said he spilled coffee on himself in the car and he needed to get changed. Oh, the other day. Oh my god, that's brilliant. Right, should go with an affirmation. Yeah. Okay, I'm thinking... I'm going with our quote.

Stop romanticising the bare fucking minimum. Yeah, I said it. Do it. We're all guilty of it. Yeah. Love you guys. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Bye.