Not As We Planned - 82. My Gut Told Me To Look At His Phone

Episode Date: March 27, 2025

We discuss the danger of staying in a relationship just because there’s no infidelity, when you catch your husband cheating on you, and wanting some reassurance from us about making that decision to leave!Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for... Honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story, where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the higher one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We Plan, we hope you are... Well. Well. Happy. Fabulous. Yeah. Guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. We hope you are well. Well. Happy. Fabulous.

Yep. So why have we gone back to winter? Oh, not here for this. It's actually depressing, mate. It's freezing. It was snowing this morning. What? It was snowing when I was on the school run.

Massive flakes of snow. Stop it. I mean, on the weekend just gone, I was at the zoo and the kids were in t-shirts. Yeah, I was at the best top of the were in t-shirts. Yeah, I was at the rest stop at the weekend. It was stunning out. Anywhere. Yeah. What's going on?

So, some of you listening, I'm probably going to be quite glad to hear this because you probably think there's something wrong with me, but I had a wobble at the weekend. Massive, massive wobble. So I was waiting for that. I was waiting for it as well because otherwise I checked myself into a mental. But basically, Friday night after we went to the rage room. Oh yeah, let's speak about catfans. Let's speak about the rage room. Best feeling ever, wasn't it? It's hard to describe the adrenaline rush. You just go into a zone. But you know what I think it is? I think because you're obviously not able to ever

release such anger into like, like physically. So I don't think it's obviously an experience that either of us have ever had. So it's like I felt strength that I've never physically had before, because you obviously don't know your strength until you're actually able to put it all out there. Do you know what I mean? And when I was using the bat and hissing, I was like, fucking hell, I'm so strong. I did kill someone. I was like, Cully, you could actually kill someone. That's dangerous.

I can do real harm. It was, do you know what? I think it's something that we have spoken about for a few years now and we just really highly recommend it. It's not just comical, it was genuine therapy. I felt the biggest release, I was screaming, wasn't I? I was in pain the next day. I said the C word multiple times and I never said it.

Oh, naughty! I really felt it in my muscles the next day. Because I used muscles that I probably have never, I was literally, like, you saw me with that TV. Like, yeah. Yeah. So I really, really recommend it. It was brilliant. It was the one we went to was in Braintree. So if you're Essex based, I don't know where any others are, but just Google that. I think there's one in London now, but yeah, it's fantastic. Anyway, so I went from there to meet my friends in London, we went to the net and basically we ended up running quite late so I was like, screw it, I'm gonna drive in.

And like I used to do that drive into London with my ex quite a lot and then like we went, I drove past a couple of hotels that we'd stayed in and like just places of happy memories and then I was in London again on the Sunday with my niece, I took her on like a Taylor Swift afternoon tea bus and again went past some places and I just felt really triggered and then I think it was yeah it was Sunday night I just like I was sobbing my heart out just like just this massive overwhelm of sadness came and do you know what I sat in it and was like, part of it made me feel a little bit more human, because I was like, I think I needed that. I think I needed that release,

but then I did get myself, like I was messaging you, please help me, I'm in a really bad head space, I really miss him, I feel really sad. And that morning I just listed out loads of things to give you the ick. Yeah, she's, anyway. So yeah, and then I kind of sat with it. I wrote quite a lot that night, actually. And then I also went back to some of the exercises in our journal. So one of them was like

a list of benefits of like not being with him. So I went through it and reminded myself why he's not my person. But I think I just want to speak about it briefly just because to recognise that healing isn't an error and I think he just made me aware that things are going to come up that remind me of him and trigger those feelings. And I think what I've noticed now because when I was in it, I was feeling really rubbish. I'm not going to lie, there were parts of me that was like, I got myself in a bit of a negative head space and was like, oh my God, like, and I feel really proud that I'm on my five lost count now, five or six weeks, no contact.

But then there was a really, on those days I was like, I can't believe like he's not reached out. Like maybe he doesn't care, maybe he never cared about me. Maybe he never loved me. Like I can't believe he's not come up with a solution and decided he wants to move his life for me and I don't feel good enough. And I think I got myself in a bit of a negative head space. And I was like, I feel like I've gone backwards. I haven't been feeling like that. Again, really important to sit with those feelings. And then on the Monday I managed to go to the gym and it just was exactly what I needed that release,

that physical release somehow. And yeah, I'm back to feeling a lot more positive, kind of again, like when you're feeling like that, like again, it's taking the accountability. So it was like, I was listening to the male Robbins, let them, and it was like, do you listening to the male robins, let them. And it was like, Joe, what he if he hasn't reached out, let him not reach out, let him not move his life for you. And it's Yeah, I'm back to feeling a lot more positive. And I think it's knowing, knowing now that I can navigate getting through that and knowing it will go as quickly as it came,

is really, really important. Yeah. So instead like, you know that this isn't a permanent feeling. It's a passing feeling. So just go with it. And then you just got to grab the highs when you can and then like ride the lows. I think it was like, it was quite a weird weekend. Like it was a kid free weekend as well.

So I wasn't as, I don't want to say I wasn't busy because I was, I was so busy. I didn't stop, which is I think why it confused me. I was like, I'm so busy, but obviously things triggered it. But yeah, it was the first time I've been out in a social situation to get hit on. I did get asked to go for a drink with this guy.

Drunk man. But he was really drunk. He was very good looking actually, but just too drunk and I bottled it and then went back to my throat. I think that's best. It was. I'm not ready to do that, but it was nice. We were out with the girls and it was like, I don't want to say it was nice to get attention, but it is.

It is. Yeah, why is it bad to say? It was so nice to me. Like he was literally just giving me all these words of affirmation. Like your hair looked so blow dried and I was like, who even notices stuff like that? But yeah, it was just nice to know, I don't know, like, still got it. And yeah, I had a really lovely time with the girls and then a nice Sunday with my niece. I went shopping for holiday stuff. But yeah, it just threw me. But also it was welcome because I kind of felt like

I'd been doing too well. Yeah, back to being in a positive head space again. Good, I'm here for it. I don't really have much of an update. I went to Paris for the day. I saw some girls, which was really fun. And that's what they are. Fantastic.

Yeah, let's go into some emails. Okay. This is called the most confusing situation ever. Help. I split up with my fiance 20 months ago. When we split, we were still in love, but life got in the way. His business was struggling and his mental health, and he wasn't good to me.

When I say this though, I don't mean he cheated as he absolutely never did. This is the thing, he was loyal, hard working, from a good family but just lacked empathy and kind of took me for granted. We broke up and carried on sleeping together for months until I put a stop to it as I was worried he was using me. In hindsight he wasn't and it was just his way of very slowly getting us back together but I didn't see it then. Things got really nasty, both of our faults and we were so toxic. We have a three year old daughter together and my son who he is like a dad to. It did take a long time, which I appreciate now compared to most guys, but he eventually after about a year started sleeping around. I know this as I had two different women message me telling me he'd messed them about and

broke their hearts and asking me if we were back together. This was hard to take as it's confirmation that he had moved on when I still hadn't. I think I'm quite like Carly in this way. I can't sleep around and I only enjoy sleeping with the guys when I really like them. Sorry, what am I? Hard! Sorry! I'm glad they come across like that. I am... I've never... They know about DPD. I was seeing it.

Oh, that's an update. I'm going to do that on Patreon. Do that on Patreon. Oh my God, yeah. Hold on. Okay. I love you, whoever you are. We're friends. Just to put it out there, I don't sleep around either.

Never know what phase I'm about to enter of my life now either. Exactly, you know what I mean? Jesus. Anyway, fast forward until now, and we're amicable again. I had decided I, I love it. I love it.

I love that energy. I had decided after New Year, I wasn't gonna argue or point score any longer. When I say it had gotten bad, I mean really bad, but he's softening now and we're getting on again, which is great for a little girl. If I'm totally honest, I find it much harder for me. After all this time I still love him slightly and fancy him so much. Neither of us cheated and I regret breaking up our family every day. I'm that

person who stands at the sidelines when my son watches football and feels shame as I have two kids with two dads and I couldn't make it work with either of them. I hold onto the family unit thing the whole time and I can't shift it even after counseling. Anyway, we went bowling as a family last Sunday and he was quite formal, but the whole time I looked at him thinking how much I still fancied him. He's also asked me if I would go to Disneyland Paris

with him, our daughter and my 11 year old son, who he started making the effort with again. I said yes, as we've never been and I want my kids to experience it. My son is nearly past all that Disney magic now. If I'm honest, the insecure part of me is wondering if he's testing the waters to see if we could work again. I might be totally wrong though and this is the danger. This trip could really hurt me as I've still got feelings.

I don't know if he's doing it purely for the kids or to get the hook back, which my counselor used to say he did to make sure I still wanted him. Or if there is a tiny part of him which is wanting to test it to see if we would work. He's very slow in this respect, not impulsive like I am. I know him well and I wonder if this is the case even if he doesn't realize it yet. I'm getting really slight signals and it's making my mind go wild, but I could also be imagining the whole thing. The crux of it all is he's a good man and he never cheated on me,

but we got so, so, so toxic, but I do think we did as a way to stop each other's feelings. Then there's always mad chemistry, but I've pushed him away, his family, and I don't know whether we would actually ever work or if he's even considered it. But the fact that neither of us met anyone after all this time, nearly two years now, is a sign to me. I can't talk

to my friends about this as they would think I'm mad and it's either all in my head or that it's a ridiculous idea. Please let me know your thoughts. Love you both. Can I quickly just point out something? And I feel like this sort of stems on from what we spoke about last week. I know. Give me what you're going to say. About sort of romanticizing. No, romanticizing bare minimum. You said quite a lot in your email, but he didn't cheat. Like we should only leave men if they cheat. Like there is so much more to a relationship, like being bad than just cheating.

It's not, let's stay with him because he didn't cheat. That's like when we used to say, oh, you can be with him because there's love there. Love isn't enough for a relationship to work and relationships shouldn't stay together just because he didn't cheat. Does he take ownership of anything he does? Does he know how to take accountability for his actions? Does he make you feel special?

Do you have the same values? You mentioned chemistry. Nothing in this email has mentioned anything about are you compatible? Does he respect you? Like I'm not really, all I'm hearing is you fancy him and he didn't cheat in the nicest, most sensible way. Yeah. Also, like, I wonder whether you actually need to both sit down and lay your cards on the table and say, this is how I feel. I want to know where I stand because you can play the guessing game for how many years. I don't think you not meeting someone, you both not being with someone after two years is a sign.

No. And I think I'm definitely guilty of romanticising situations and being like, it's a sign, it's a sign. Like it's just a coincidence. It's just something that's happened. And also how do you know that he's not just sleeping around? Like, as you said, you found out that he's sleeping around, maybe he's realized he doesn't want anything serious. I feel like like what Carly said, rather than beating around the bush and trying to guess have that conversation Communicate it find out where he's at you let him know where you're at because at the end of the day if he's not able to maturely communicate

What he wants or what he's looking for. Oh fair on you even. Again it shows that he's not mature enough I know like a relationship like again like there's part of you that wants to go on this trip, it needs to be communication. You need to be like, I want to go, but I want to feel comfortable going. I want to know where I stand. And those conversations need to be had. And sometimes we need to be having the difficult conversations in order for things to either move forwards or for us to accept our circumstances and be able to move forwards in a different regard. And, you know, it might be the ending and the closure that you need to know actually it's done or perhaps it might open conversations where there might be scope

for you to work together. So I think it needs to be an honest and open conversation. I do think you need to have a good think about what the qualities are that you love about this man. Or is it just that you want to keep your family? Or is it? Or is it that? and there was a part where you said like, you are that parent who like hates the idea that you've got two different kids with two different dads. And I think that's a lot of pressure we put on ourselves.

Like no one sets out to have kids by loads of different dads. Like they don't. And sometimes we go through things in life. And I know that was certainly a bit of pill for me to swallow when I became a single mom, because I do feel like as much as people say they don't judge, people do judge when I say I'm a single parent.

I think people, I don't know, maybe we're more harsh on ourselves. Those of us who are single parents probably put more pressure on ourselves and more judgment on ourselves than external people. But I'm sure most people who have become single parents can understand that. And I completely understand how you feel like that when you feel like it's not been successful the second time around as well. Like I would hold on a bit more. I would just be wary of making sure that he's not like bread crumb. Yeah. Because sometimes I feel like you said that you were quite toxic and your therapist said

that maybe he was doing things to make sure that you were still there and he doesn't want you to move on. Your life might be a lot happier being able to move on, letting go from him and realizing that there's actually a lot more that someone else can offer you. But I think it's about having that conversation. You're worried that that trip to Paris could really hurt you. Well, then you need to put your cards on the table and let him know where you're at, you wanna know where he's at and if he can't have a mature adult conversation

with you about that, I think that's also maybe a sign that he's not right for you if he can't be mature about something so simple. Right, lies. Hi both, I've been listening for a while now and have been thinking about sharing my journey with you both.

I think I have held back as I know in my heart what the advice may be. I think a lot of people are doing that, don't they? Sometimes you need to, sometimes you, that's what you need to move on in your own time and we're here to tell you. Yep. My husband and I met 14 years ago and have been married for nearly 10 years. Overall we had a near near fairytale relationship and marriage, until we struggled to conceive. He was always there for me and we felt like a team. It was a really hard time, nearly three years, but eventually we had IVF and conceived our little girl who is now five. When she was born, we were so happy, but in the following months our relationship became strained. He had recently taken on a stressful headteacher job and I was on maternity leave, doting on our new baby, and he felt quite distant. Things started

to feel strange several months into our new baby, as I feel might be fairly typical. I tried to talk to him about our distancing, but it didn't get any better, and whilst we were great parents, our relationship together started to climb. When she was three, we tried to conceive again and by some miracle I got pregnant naturally. At the 12 week scan, however, we were told that the baby had stopped growing at nine weeks. I had the foetus removed and my husband insisted he could not be with me on my operation day due to work commitments. Wow, wow, I wasn't expecting that. That's vital, I'm sorry. There's nothing more important than family.

Like, no. My mum came with me, but I had to drive myself home in pain and so devastated by the lost baby. That's disgusting. My husband was not there for me, either physically or emotionally. I was so upset and distraught

that he had put work before me, and that was the start of a truly terrible week. As is his usual star with communication, he decided that week to hardly talk to me or check in, probably as he knew he was in the wrong. We had always had a very trusting relationship, but something in my gut that week told me to look at his phone. On his birthday three days after my operation, I discovered from his text, he had been cheating on me. I saw a message from him to her that said, the best part of my birthday was seeing you.

Oh, things like that. I know how much seeing stuff like that hurts. It's just fucking horrific. After I confronted him with this, he admitted to the affair and then he'd also slept with this same woman on two other occasions The first when our daughter was only six months old. She's no through. Yeah What the fuck? I was confused upset upset and devastated. So they were trying for the second baby. They got pregnant whilst he was cheating Yeah scum. Why did I don't understand? for the second baby they got pregnant whilst he was cheating. Yeah. Scumbag. I don't understand.

Honestly. Because they want their cake and they want to eat it. He's not left. He's not left. I want cake as well. Doesn't make me a fucking cheating whore bag. I think I was so blindsided I didn't have time to fully digest this information with everything that had gone on that week.

He was very remorseful and I believed him when he said it wasn't an emotional affair and it would never happen again. They had met very irregularly which suggested there was no deep connection, etc. Can I just say, the way you've written that feels like you're trying to justify it to yourself and you know it's wrong. I decided for our child and family sake to try and forgive and work through it. We went to couples counseling but he could never answer why he'd done it. Only that he'd found his job stressful, which I don't think is a good enough reason. I always struggle with the lack of reason, but he'd also made promises about never lying, being better at communicating and many other things. So I decided to give it another shot. In the last two years, I've really tried, but I'm struggling to move past

this. We have been happy at times in the last two years but he cannot seem to work on and improve some key areas like his communication. I don't think I feel the same way about him anymore. I have lost love and respect for him. In the last couple of weeks I also found out he has been hiding money from me and then lied about it to my face when I asked him about it. I feel like all the trust has gone and this was the final straw. How could he still be lying to me after all of this? He's still saying he loves me and my daughter so much and never wants to get divorced but I feel like I'm left with no choice but really appreciate your advice. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship because

trust offers you safety. Trust offers you a place to be able to communicate effectively and honestly and trust allows the space for you to get things wrong but work on them and he's completely broken the trust. The fact, do you know what, like I've got an enormous amount of respect for you that you want to work on it and I think some people have to go away, try that and then see again that that person's not made those changes. No, you might not have found that he's been cheating on you, but he's broken your trust. I think lying about money is massively significant and not to be ignored. Trigger.

And I know for you, like the final thing, the straw that broke the camel's back wasn't lying about like an infidelity, it was lying about something really ridiculous and that was yours. Yeah. So I think you could probably relate. Yeah. So I gave my ex a lot of chances, way more than he deserved, but I didn't want to be on my own. I didn't want to break up my family. And fear is probably, fear of the unknown is what kept me going for much longer. And I just remember there was this one time where I caught him lying, but I had solid proof that it was a lie. And it was way smaller than anything that I had actually

allowed and brushed under the carpet. But it just got to a point where I was like, oh, like this is actually my life. Like I am married to someone that I cannot trust. He is a compulsive liar and I need to decide for myself whether this is enough for me or not. And it got to a point where it wasn't enough anymore. And I think that unfortunately, like you said at the beginning, you know, you know the answer, you know what you need to do. No one is saying that it's easy. It's not easy. It is not easy to leave a relationship. We've always said that staying is easier. They get to a point where you need to have some respect for yourself and realise that you're actually better off on your own than sticking with someone that constantly disappoints you, lets you down,

lies to you. Because what sort of life is that? What sort of relationship is that? You're just going to be waiting for the next lie to drop, for the next time to catch him out. And how many more years of your life are you going to, like you said, over the last two years, there have been some happy moments. Like, oh, lucky you. Not to be disrespectful. A relationship should only add to your life, and this man has shown you. I'm also not like completely trusting that he's not fucked up again in the last two years because it might mean that you don't know. Yeah. So I think the fact you've got that gut feeling, the fact you said you don't think you feel the same way.

Hold on to that. Hold on to that. It's so scary and like the biggest and hardest thing is leaving and starting new and we get so scared of it. But not only have me enticed on it, but hundreds and hundreds of you have written in who have all found that strength. Like none of us are special enough that we can't get through it. We're not. Everyone finds the strength from within to be the strongest version of themselves and guess what? You're going to grow through it and you're going to look back in years to come and be like, I am so glad I left that marriage. Because honestly,

that's, I'm two years in and every day I feel so grateful that I am no, well, I am legally married still, but hopefully actually in the next few months not. But I'm so grateful I'm not with this man. Honestly, I cannot express how much joy it brings me that he is no longer my problem. We have had some rocky, unpleasant conversations even yesterday and I'm just so, so content and proud of myself that I managed to walk away from that being my life because oh god it's just, it's just not a way to live. Like it's, it's just being on eggshells, wondering if you need to check his phone again, having that horrendous anxiety,

wondering when is the next time that I'm gonna see that message that is gonna break my whole world. That's not how you're meant to be in a relationship. Leave. Leave. Okay. This is called non-cheating marriage breakdown,

which I think is actually maybe quite relevant to what we've been speaking about following on from he didn't cheat, so let's get back with him. Yeah. Okay. Hi ladies. Firstly, thank you for everything you do. Your podcast came into my life at a very useful time.

Avid Patreon listener and also attended your last event. You were both beautiful people. Aww. So sweet. Love you. I'm writing, I guess to gain some reassurance I've done the right thing and to gain some hope that things will soon get better in time.

Also so others could perhaps hear a story that is not about cheating, as I think sometimes this area isn't covered so much. Like we have always said, remember this, when you're in a relationship that isn't terrible, it's actually sometimes more dangerous because you feel like you should stay for the sake of your children or the sake of your family unit or he didn't cheat on me, there's no proof that he's done something that bad, so let's just stay.

But having a mediocre relationship also isn't good, also shouldn't be what you settle for. Yeah, like settling shouldn't be a thing. A thing, nah. Not in this life, you get one girl, you get one life, make it fantastic. Amen. I'll try to keep this short, but a lot happened in our relationship,

which I ended in August, 2024, after two failed attempts at marriage counseling and him promising he'd improve time and time again, but the same lack of empathy, respect and care always came back. It's worth noting that there were things I needed to work on which I did. Good for you, love hearing that you're taking accountability as well. There's always two people in a relationship, there's always work that can be done on both ends. My husband really wanted children which I found attractive but looking back he really pressured me into having them sooner than

ideally I wanted. Telling me before we got married that if he didn't start trying by x time then we couldn't be together. Should have seen the red flag then. Agreed. Yeah. But I loved him and therefore wanted to give him what he wanted. I'd really bad sickness which I received very little sympathy for and was still expected to cook even though it made me feel a lot more ill. Vile. The birth was awful. When our daughter was born he didn't say well done, didn't check how I was, didn't give me a kiss. I couldn't hold her when she was first born and I can just remember him just taking her and walking away. The days, weeks that followed were horrific. He expected me to still do all the housework, got upset with me if I wouldn't go on walks

with him as I was in too much pain, didn't help with any night feeds, even though I was pumping so he could. The day we got her birth registered, she started crying so I breastfed her in front of the lady. My husband then gave me the cold shoulder later saying he was upset for me breastfeeding in public. I hadn't even thought about discussing with him. You shouldn't have to. That is the most natural thing. That is bizarre. Later that day. I say it sounds like you made the right decision.

Later that day, I had a bleed and had to be rushed to hospital. During this time, he refused to speak to me at all, even though I begged him to. What? Saying I was scared and needed him. His only response was, I called the ambulance. What else do you want me to do? Oh my God, he sounds like an absolute piece of- and this is why it's not just about cheating. He sounds like an absolute vile human being.

I would say sometimes some of the worst relationships and the reason why you need to leave have nothing to do with infidelity. I agree. That's mental abuse. Yeah. Months went by and I felt ashamed that I didn't feel I was bonding with her. I reached out to him for support and was told that if I didn't want to give her up, there wasn't a problem. We continued to have problems in our relationship. He'd criticize me about the smallest things, sulked if we didn't have sex. I didn't know which side of him I would get. Being moody, withholding love when he would get annoyed, both me and my daughter

was a big theme. He'd call me a liar if I forgot to do things I said I'd do. Several times I tried to leave with our daughter and he physically stopped me and would only let me leave if I didn't take our daughter so I stayed. We always said we wanted two children but I told him I didn't know if I could have another due to the lack of support I had from him. Good for you. He told me it would be different, but I was still hesitant, and after pushing it back a couple of times,

he lost patience and told me if I didn't have another baby with him, he'd leave me. Oh my God. I still loved him, so I did. My mum died in 2020 in quite a horrible and sudden circumstances. He was great for about three weeks and then in his words, he said to the counsellor, he ran out of empathy as bad things keep happening to her. Sorry, you've got a limit. You're done. You've been sad for three weeks, hon. Get over it. Violent. I got pregnant, had severe sickness.

I was nearly admitted to hospital, but thankfully some medication worked in the end. The same lack of empathy happened again. I attended a mindfulness birth class alone, as he didn't want to participate in an attempt to try and have a better birth. I did have a better birth with no pain relief. I was so proud of myself.

I told him this and he said I did better, but my breathing was annoying. What the thing that like everyone has to do to survive. Can you do me a favor? Would you just like stop breathing? Cause it's actually kind of annoying me. I can't. Would you try and take oxygen into your lungs?

In a slightly different way? A little bit quieter. Sorry, she just pushed your child out of her vagina and you're criticizing her fucking breathing technique. Go a little bit slower. Have you ever in your life? My son had a medical problem that required me to stay in with him. My husband called one day and I updated him and asked how he was. I then got upset as I felt so unwell myself as pumping wasn't working and I was so sore and stressed. The response was, you always like to make it all about yourself and play the victim.

Oh my god, I can't listen to this man. We continued to have problems and I could go into some more examples but I won't. Although there were some good times, there were underlying themes still there which I'd his mental yeah the problem like his existence the fact he is breathing he showed a lack of respect to a lot of people including his parents if I called him out on it he got defensive a couple of times telling me to get my own family which hurt considering my mum's death and the lack of relationship I had with my dad due to him cheating on my mum during chemo.

Fast forward to May 2024 we'd been at a festival and I had a great day but when I didn't want to have sex he sulked again saying this is the first time we'd been in a hotel and not had sex. Something clicked in me I couldn't seem to switch it back. I sought help and he told me I had blindsided him by going to seek counselling without telling him first. The counsellor did help. She explained a lot of what I was going through was emotional abuse. Nail on the head. I said I would try and I did, but I just couldn't get the feeling of wanting or loving him back. We still went on our planned family holiday in August. It was my birthday and I went to the bar leaving him with the kids. A little while later he ran up to me

and said that he'd lost our three-year-old. We found him in the end but it was very scary as we were around three swimming pools. My husband's first reaction when I was hugging my son was, you're not blaming me are you? I said no but asked if we could talk about what had happened as it did upset me a lot. He walked off in a huff and then later said it was a red flag for him that I don't believe he has our kids best interest at heart. Gaslighting. His moves were awful and I basically parented on my own. We had an argument on the last night where I asked if we could consider a trial separation. I'd been having bad acid reflux and had left the last renin I had on my pillow.

I came back from the bathroom and he had eaten it, sticking his tongue out to me, showing me. He has never needed that. He clearly had done it to spite me. I couldn't sleep due to the acid reflux. In the morning, I told him I'd need a nap before we left if he still wanted me to drive home from the airport when we got back. Later that day, I went to go and take a nap. I got our son down from a nap before we left if he still wanted me to drive home from the airport when we got back.

Later that day I went to go and take a nap. I got our son down from a nap and put our daughter into the holiday club so he wouldn't have to do anything. He then started telling me all the stuff he knows about me, about how I feel, stuff I hadn't told him. I'm confused as to how he knows this, questioning what I have and haven't said. Turns out he had read my diary, that he knew I had been using it counselling. I was so upset that he'd read it. Then to make me second guess myself that he had done this in public at my only opportunity to sleep. He told me I'd given him no choice as I don't tell him how I feel. This is when I asked for a divorce. The next six months were horrible. He refused to leave the family home

even though he had a family he could stay with. We had to sell the house as we both couldn't afford to live in there without the other. He demonstrated some awful behavior despite saying he wanted me back. He made me tell the children on my own and refused to speak saying this is your choice, this is the least you can do, calling me selfish almost daily. Just moved into my own house in February 2025 and we had the kids 50-50. Before the move, I felt so certain in my decision, felt confident that I'd be okay.

I'm struggling so much not seeing them all the time. I hope over time he'll let me have them more. I don't think trying to battle him for more at this stage will work in my favor, but we'll consider it. But also, I don't know if that is selfish of me as he has the right to see them 50% too. Since moving out he has been so kind, caring and considerate to me. I'm confused and angry. Why couldn't he be these things when we were together? I appreciate him seeing him a lot less, so perhaps that helps. I'm pretty sure he is seeing someone and that is fine. And perhaps this is why he's being

nice as the way that he treated people did seem to always rely on whether he was happy. I feel I've lost so much and I feel so lonely. I don't have any family really apart from my sister and although she has been super supportive, she lives far away. I have a good friend network but it's so painful. Obviously that they are too busy with their own families a lot of the time which is so understandable. It hurts so much when my children ask why we can't all live together and that they miss their old home. I'm not dating as I know I'm not ready and I'd be doing it to fill a gap. I'm trying to work on myself, keep busy, but I'm in so much pain and I miss my kids

and my family unit and I feel really alone. He wants us to do family things together which I've pushed back on for now, but when I'm alone I think why am I not joining them if it could mean I could see my kids more? Any advice on how to believe this would be better would be appreciated. Thank you for what you do. Firstly, you've absolutely made the right decision. Mike, he is a complete... Vile.

Vile, vile man. He has mentally abused you for years. He's made you second guess yourself. Like, the things you've put up with. I'm so sorry you've been through that. In regards to how you're currently feeling, I know it's probably going to sound really unhelpful, but I think it's really important to sit in that grief and allow that grief and to mourn it. And I think sometimes that we try and distract ourselves so much, we don't actually allow those feelings and they come up in other ways at other points. One thing I've noticed in myself is I feel like my child-free time is more deafening at the moment since I've not been in my relationship

because I did get into a relationship relatively quickly. And so I feel like I didn't allow myself to sit in that grief of having that kid free time because I was so distracted and now I really am. And I think it's important to feel sad. And I wish I could give you some advice that it does get easier. It does get easier over time when you start using that time to do things that you couldn't do with the kids and things like working out or I don't know, seeing your friends. I know you said they're busy with family, but there's other things we can do. Things like what interests do you have or what interests do you want to have that you couldn't do when you had the kids? I think in regards to the 50-50 thing, obviously I don't know what your life looked like before, like whether

you were primary carer or what that looked like in terms of your work situation, but it doesn't have to be 50-50. And I'd actually say the majority of splits aren't 50-50. So I don't know if your divorce has gone through yet or whether you're in the process of it, but I would certainly be pushing and advocating for what you think is obviously best for your children. I think that varies from family to family. But yeah, like, I don't know, things like I'm not saying he's not a capable dad because he lost your child, but things like that would concern me about my child's spending 50% of their time with someone like that. But hold on didn't he also say things that sometimes he would ignore her

back and forth? Like if he was that sort of person with you, what is he like with them? Does he like take their best interests to heart? Like do you feel that they are in a safe environment with him mentally and physically I guess as well. And you mentioned about like the family days out, I know that it's really hard to start, it's almost like a tease, we're thinking like, oh I could be with my children more so fuck it, let's do it. But doing those things is really going to slow down your healing process, it's going to really cloud your vision of trying to move on from him. So it's like confusing for the two.

Yeah. I also feel like right now, because you're lonely, you're feeling really crap. So you're probably sitting there romanticizing your relationship. You do need to do that list of really writing down all the benefits of not being with him. I really hope that you just hearing your email, hearing everything that you've been through, as well as probably so much more that you didn't share, those are the things that you need to think about when you're feeling lonely because by the sounds of it, you must have felt really

lonely in your relationship. Like what did he do to make you feel safe or loved or he sounds like an absolute pig. Like he gave you absolutely no empathy or care when your mom passed away, when you lost your child, all the things that you had been through, which are massive, massive things that can take so long for someone to heal from. He wasn't there for you. So like you got through that on your own.

So you're able to get through this on your own. Stay strong, you've done the absolute right thing. I'm really proud of you. I would recommend you go and get our journal. I think it will really help you, guide you going through that healing process. And please keep us updated. Agree. Okay. Confession of the week. Confession of the week. I cut up his passport and threw it away. He still thinks he's lost it himself and he still hasn't replaced it. We're not together anymore after our 28 year relationship ended in July, 2024.

No holidays for him. Brilliant. Love it. Guys, let's finish with an affirmation. I only allow positive and peaceful energy into my life. Let's stop bringing the negativity in. Let's focus on people and situations. And that does register for relationships guys. That goes for friends as well. Like just anyone that's that that gives you anxiety or has negative energy, bin them. Thank you guys.

Love you. See you next week.