Not As We Planned - 83. He Had a Whole Other Family

Episode Date: April 3, 2025

We talk about how you shouldn’t blame yourself for him cheating, finding out he had a whole other family, we see the definition of bread crumbing and for the first time we feel uncomfortable to give advice…..Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. I hope you're all having a fab week. I don't really have anything to update on. I don't really have anything to update on. Life is just life. Yeah. But sometimes no update is good, no? I had just for anyone who's got a fussy eater, if you followed me for a while, Theo has literally been the fussiest eater for years. Like he literally used to have five safe foods like pasta, cheese, yogurt, bread, cereal, bread and no he'd never used

to eat cereal, bread and cream cheese. Over the last year he started like branching out. I have never been that parent who's forced him or been like made it into a big deal. I'm very much quite relaxed about it. I'm like he'll eat when he's hungry and I don't know I'm very conscious like not to be that parent who gives their child trauma over stuff like that. Do you know what I mean? So I've kind of just let him take the lead there. And recently, like I have been getting the kids more involved in like cooking dinners and stuff. And like, I think where since my breakup, I've been eating better. I used to like skip meals all the time. Like,

I'll be honest, like since my marriage breakdown, I've never fully got back on like eating well. And I don't know if it's just because I'm taking everything more seriously this time around, but I'm fully eating like three meals a day properly. Nice healthy meals. Like we have gone organic in my house. Hate to be that person, but we have been speaking to my kids a lot about looking after our bodies and why mommy's doing this. I do feel like I am not the strict parent, but I do have things that are important to me in my house and we adhere to them. Just talking to the kids about things like health, obviously with what I do in terms of personal training, it is something that is important to me and it has been and I felt

like I lost my way with it a bit. So he has been getting involved and he's like, Oh, mommy, what are you eating tonight? And because it's all quite new to him, he's quite excited and he's, can I help cook it? So where he's been getting involved with all that and like making up sauces and stuff like that. And then last night he asked for sea bass, broccoli and rice for dinner. So I was like, yeah, of course, darling, like quickly let me make it. So I made the sea bass with like this soy and honey sauce and he ate it and was loving it. And like we were talking about how like fish is a brain food and yeah, the broccoli, he won't eat the soaks but he'll eat the top smothered in ketchup but like near for him honestly like anyone who's listened to this who has got a fussy so like I was like

I had tears rolling down my face out watching him in pride like it's just I never thought we'd get that. I'm so fucking done growing oh my god. And but yeah that was that's been a really really big thing this week so shout out. My kids are still sleeping so I'm here for mine aren't. I don't know what was going on last night but if you're wondering why I've got bags the size of London under my eyes you'll know. Shall we get into some emails? Okay this says please help to calm my mind. Zen. Hi, Tash and Carly. Firstly, I want to say thank you so much for your podcast.

It's really helped me get through some of my tough days. The advice you give is amazing and today I'm really hoping for some of my own. My partner of seven years who I share a three-year-old son with has recently left me for someone else. However, I didn't know it was for someone else at the time. He told me it was because I overwhelmed him and he wanted to spend some time apart to be on his own.

So therefore I had no other choice but to let him. Why couldn't they, I was about to say, why couldn't they just be honest? I think we know why because they just don't have to be. He moved out of our family home in October, 2024. A few weeks later, I found out that he had been seeing someone for four months while we were together and continued seeing her after he left.

The worst part is that I know her and we actually used to be friends so she knew he was in a serious relationship and had a child. I had to find out from her sister sending me a message telling me what had been going on. The reason her sister told me is because apparently my ex had told his new girlfriend that he actually didn't want to be with her anymore and wanted his family back, me and my son. So therefore she must have been hurt by it so her sister reached out to me. This has honestly made me heartbroken.

I spent weeks of not sleeping or eating because all I could do was thinking about those two together and what they were doing and how he had betrayed me. Why do they get to go on happily and I'm crying myself to sleep every night while I'm raising my three-year-old? It's just not fair. He still sees our son but most of the time I feel like I have to force him to. I've asked him to not bring her around our son as I'm not comfortable with it. He laughs. I'm getting on with my life better than I was but I've still got those dark thoughts in my mind about the two of them and I just want it all to go. A small backstory, my parents divorced when I was nine. My dad left my mum and started

a new life with a new family and never told me he never wanted to see me again. He only wanted his new kids and wife. This really affected me for a long time and I had to have therapy for the majority of my teenage years as I couldn't make sense of it all. I'm really glad that you went to therapy because no one should be told that. It's very hard to make sense of that because it doesn't make sense, I know. The reason I tell you this is because when he said I overwhelmed him I feel like it's because I have grown up with so much rejection that I've tried to keep him close to me so I don't ever have to feel the same way again as I did when I was younger but clearly it was too much for him. As much as I hate my ex

partner I would never let my son go through what I did so right now I'm being civil with him for the sake of our son even though I absolutely hate his guts and it makes me stick to my stomach to even look at him. I really thought we were doing well in life. I'd always been a loyal girlfriend, a good mom. I work full time, I would do anything for both of them and I'm heartbroken. I'm really hoping you can help me calm my mind a bit. I understand he's now single and he can be with whoever he wants, it just doesn't make it any easier to cope with. I just want to be able to sleep and live my life with my son and give him the best version of me.

If I could never see my ex again, that would be amazing. But sadly, when the kids are involved, you have no choice. Thank you so much for everything you girls are doing. I love you both. It's so hard to hear. We hear it time and time again. The first thing we always do is look at us and like why weren't

we enough? Why am I suffering and he's happy? It's frustrating and it's a normal way to think because I think we have both sat there and been like what I mean I said it the other episode like why wasn't I enough and it's a really normal way to process. I think it's really good that you're aware of the trauma that you have gone through in your childhood and realizing that actually you maybe like did certain things with him to hold onto him. So you obviously have a real fear of abandonment and rejection, which is so-

Understandable. Valid because of what you've gone through, but maybe this has happened to give you the opportunity to now really delve deeper into that and make sure that that past and what you've been put through from your dad doesn't then reflect on how you turn up as a partner, the person you choose to be with and I

think in time you'll realize that this isn't a you problem that is a him problem. Also like I know you said like you you find yourself like overthinking like what they're doing together and all of that and honestly like you need to remind yourself that this man cheated on you. He did, didn't he? More than once, he cheated on you. And if he's capable of doing that to the mother of his child, he's capable of doing that again. And you just need to try and look at like the benefits of not being with that man and feel grateful that actually, you know, you're not going to be sat there second guessing, wondering and all of the things we've spoken about multiple times because he's not offering you a safe place. And actually like the title of being a family who's got two parents and a child, like it doesn't mean

anything. It literally means nothing. And I think we also get this idea that they go off to this new woman and like they're an amazing version and they're happy and they're like living this fairy tale movie life where they're holding hands skipping into the sunset. Let me tell you now this woman who knows that he was with you and who knows that he cheated the amount of trust issues they must have in their relationship. Like, it's not your problem, but let me tell you, it's not this fairy tale you're painting in your head. And just try and remind yourself of that and take it day at a time because it will and it does get better.

Really, you guys always need to try and not like talk to yourself thinking about things that one, you don't know, two, you've got no control over. Like when your mind goes to those places, you've got to block it out and be like, he's a cheater. Your mind is ruminating, creating things that may probably aren't even happening. Like they could be having arguments because she is, you know, he might be acting a bit shady and she's like, well, you cheated on me. How do I cheat on her? How do I know that you're not going to cheat on me? You just don't know. So rather than making up all these things in your head that they're happy, make up that they're not.

Like if your head can be that powerful to vision things that you don't know are happening, make them fucking bad, because that will make you feel better. Keep us updated. Or why don't you start getting your mind to like create visions of you and this amazing happy life and receiving a love from a person who's unbelievable.

Yep. Then you'll manifest. Amen. Okay, this one, the meet them twice theory, a dream come true. Okay. Hi Tash and Carly, I know everyone says this, but you two are incredible. Guys, we can't hear it it enough so keep saying it. Empowering women, sorry, you two incredible empowering women have truly saved a part of me that I thought was gone

forever. You have helped me realise my self-worth and I will be forever grateful for finding your podcast when I did. Keep doing everything you're doing girls. So onto the juicy bit. You might want to strap yourselves in for this rollercoaster of 12 months I've had and grab a tea or possibly something stronger. Trigger warning, talks of abuse. Me and my children's dad were together for nine years. I have two beautiful boys who are the only good thing to come out of the hell of a relationship I was trapped in for so long. He emotionally abused me from the very beginning. I was cohesively controlled and was isolated from my family from the get-go. At first it started off very subtly, a bit of name-calling, ignoring me when I made him angry for not answering the phone quickly enough, borrowing large amounts

of money that I would have to beg to get back. This then progressed to me having to change my diet, not to sell my car because he wanted to share one so I couldn't go anywhere when he insisted I move to another city to have our first child. I was alone in the trenches of postpartum depression with only my newborn and a narcissist who had essentially abandoned me with his excuse being he was busy working. I eventually moved back home to where my family live and started to get a bit more freedom as we weren't living together. I fell pregnant with my second, still to this day don't know how because the sex was minimal, but they do say it only takes one time.

I didn't find out I was pregnant with him until I was six months gone, which was a shock to say the least. Wowzers. He wasn't fazed, never came to any scans, just about made it to the birth with 30 seconds to spare. Not again. I was alone, but this time with a newborn and a one-year-old just trying to figure out why not just me, but our two boys weren't enough for him to just commit to being a family instead of committing crime and spending the least amount of time possible with us. My family always used to joke with me about him having another family somewhere and I would laugh it off and tell them to stop being stupid.

Oh no. Stop. But little did I know the joke was on me. Oh fuck. Stop. Two months before my youngest him won, I got absolutely floored. For three years, since I was five months pregnant with my first, he had been cheating on me with yet, new destiny, a fucking work colleague.

Another one. And not just any old work colleague, but the delivery driver he employed at his takeaway. What delivery driver's man? I have my dominoes go in the woman. She's really nice. I've only met her twice. He got her pregnant after three months of being with her, got engaged and was living with her, which is why he was never with me and our boys. This needs to be a fucking teaser.

What the fuck? And now I'm actually shot. This is making me shake. Okay, wow. Everything started to make sense and not make sense at the same time. I went into a complete downward spiral. I lost three stone in three months. He continued his narrative of wanting only me and the boys and convinced me that she had got pregnant and trapped him and every time he tried to leave she would threaten him to go to the police for the crimes he was involved in. Looking back now, I think how fucking stupid could I be to believe him, but that's what happens when someone has broken you down to nothing and abused you every single day for so long. You start to believe that you can't do any

better, like he would say. In September 2024, after a horrific week of him strangling me, beating up his other child's mum, and then threatening to kill me, I somehow found the strength to leave him forever and report him to the police for not only what happened that week, but everything that happened from the start of the relationship. The mums following me reporting him have been insane but I am free now and I have never been more proud of myself to get not only me but the other woman and our children out of such a horrible situation that most likely would have ended up with us being killed and our children left without mums. That's terrifying. Now onto the theory. So the theory suggests that if someone is meant to be in your life,

you will meet them twice under different circumstances. Since leaving the relationship with my ex, I have reconnected with friends who I thought would be gone forever. I've made amends and apologize for letting him come between us. They have all been so supportive and have explained that if they would have done anything more to try and get me out, they knew they would be putting me at more risk and I had to see it for myself. We have had many conversations, however, a certain childhood boyfriend came up in conversation twice in one week by two different people. It really threw me as I was so head over heels for him when we were kids. We went to the same fishing club together, however, we just drifted apart as childhood relationships generally do. But I had always said, despite my nine year relationship,

if I was ever going to be with anyone else, I always imagined myself being with him. Since we hadn't seen each other in so long, despite living in the same village, it turns out we were actually living two streets away from each other. We hadn't crossed paths once until he was mentioned in these conversations and my brain just went fuck it I'm not being controlled anymore I'm going to message him and just reconnect with an old friend. I knew he had a little girl as our families our friends and I knew that his relationship had broken down as his ex had cheated on him. I messaged him and he replied straight away the conversations we had over the next few days just flowed like we had never stopped talking.

We discussed old memories of each other, discussed what we had both been through, etc, etc. And he asked me if I'd like to meet up for a drink. Me and the kids were living with my mum as we had to flee our home following the police report, so I thought, yeah, I will. My kids are safe with my mum and they are asleep, so why not go and meet an old friend for a drink? There wasn't a silent moment from the second he picked me up until he dropped me back at home. I have never smiled and laughed so much in my whole life. He made me feel so alive and for the first time in so long I felt like me again. How, after nearly 11 years of not seeing each other, could this

feel so right? I just couldn't believe what was happening. We went on a few more dates and we spoke on the phone all night every night and everything just felt so right and there has not been a day since we started talking again that I have not smiled or felt beautiful. He has raised me back up and is helping heal a heart he didn't break. My children are getting to see their mum be loved in a way that they have never seen before and I'm so hopeful for our future. I know that I will have work and healing to do. I still have work and healing to do, but he is the most supportive, patient, generous and kind-hearted man.

And it's as if he was always my person. It was just never the right timing until it was. I believe the universe brought us back together when it was our time to be. I hope that anyone who was in a situation, the same as I was, can find the strength to leave. You are so worthy of love and being loved, but more importantly, you are worthy of life

and having control of yours. Why does this make me cry? And this story gives you hope that not all men are bad and there are good ones out there. Thanks again, girls for the pod, sending you all their love in the world. What I will say is like, sorry, I'm just like processing the whole email

because obviously like it went from like wow to like happy ending which is so lovely and I was so happy for you. It's just wild that a man can literally lead a complete double life. It's scary. It is scary but I guess at the same time it's like, if we were more, like for example,

why would you want to have children with someone and not have them live with you? So like, he obviously manipulated you so much into thinking that that was okay and that was normal. And it is about us being more vigilant and aware and like holding those standards high, it's being like, if I'm gonna have a child with you, then you live with us.

So I don't want anyone that's obviously like, you know, I think normal situations like that doesn't obviously, I don't think that must happen very often because if you live with someone, like I guess actually it happened to the woman that he was living with. Think it happens more often than you think. Jesus Christ. I just, it blows my mind. Sometimes I feel like I struggle to make it through the week with how much I'm juggling. Imagine juggling a whole second life and second family. I don't. But that's why you were so on present. Yeah,

no I know. Yeah, it's wild but well done for like. Finding that strength to like. Yeah, no, I know. Yeah, it's wild, but like, well done for like finding that strength to leave. Yeah, he's thing. It's that light bulb moment that we speak about so much. Like something happens and you're like, no, this absolutely and helping me out as well. Wow. You both are going to be so much happier without him. I mean, I don't know where he is and what he's doing now. Hopefully in a cell. Yeah. But like, and how lovely that you've now rekindled something with someone that sounds like a really good person. So like, good for you. Thank you for sharing it. Hopefully it gives some people hope that, you know, you do have those dark moments, but like there definitely is a light at the end of the tunnel.

That's made me laugh. I don't know if I should have shared this on Patreon or I might share it on here, but talking about people coming back into your life. So my first kit. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated.

19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Yeah, I was with this boy and he was actually my best friend. So we were best friends, but like I literally, I say love, I used the term love loosely, but like I was obsessed with you. Yeah. And it was like the, and I, you might already have this perception of me, but I've always like wanted things to be like perfect. I wanted my first kiss to be like

the most romantic, perfect thing. I was 16 when I wanted my first kiss to be the most romantic, perfect thing. I was 16 when I had my first kiss, so I think that was quite old. It is old. Does it surprise you? Probably not. No. And it was perfect. We were at this summer camp.

We were laying under the stars. He was talking to me about all the different stars, and it was red hot chili peppers under the bridge. I remember it so clearly. And the next day he kissed another girl and then became her boyfriend and like I was devastated. Anyway a few weeks ago I get a Facebook message. Stop it. Get a Facebook message. And it's like, oh, like, your face came up on TikTok. It was one of our like podcast teasers. It's like, as if like you're famous now and they're not famous, babe.

But just really interesting. Like people obviously change as they grow up. And I like he used to be like this really good-looking, like all the girls wanted him. I was not like that anymore. He's just not my type at all anymore. But he's going through divorce, reached out. He's still going through divorce, got two kids. And we were talking, friendly, just sending pictures of when we were younger and stuff.

And I can't remember how it came up. He was like, he's been very complimentary of me. He's like, you look incredible. But anyway, so he's been really complimentary to me. And I can't remember what he said. He was like, I was like, I'm not gonna lie. Like I have held a massive resentment to you. Like I, and he was like, I was like, he was like, go on, just get it all out. And I was like, you fucked me over. Like you did this, you did this. Like I was so nice to you. And like, I think the girl he ended up with, he was actually with her for a long time, but she, I think she completely screwed him over. I was always like that nice one that just got screwed over by people that was just me that was the story of my life really.

But yeah I got like a really sincere apology and I was like it's too late like I'm 30 whatever years old anyway. Blast on the past. Okay this is called Stuck in Limbo. Are we ready? Limbo! I'm really good at that, aren't I? Hi ladies, I love your podcast. Honestly, it's helped me so much through the past few months.

Wish I had it two years ago when me and the father of my son originally split. I need some help. I've been stuck in limbo for two and a bit years and I need some advice to help me make a decision to move on. Apologies for the length of the message. It's quite a complex story. I have a three year old son. Me and his dad had a happy relationship for three years. We bought a house together and I found it a lot as I was struggling with

being full time teaching with having a full time teaching job and undiagnosed PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder. I've never heard of that. So I was quite distant and wasn't putting our relationship at the forefront. I then fell pregnant unexpectedly. Unexpectedly, Covid hit in 2020 when I was pregnant and me and his dad became closer, spent more time together. We also got a puppy together, a very high energy dog. His choice of breed, I was happy with something more chilled. I had no PMDD symptoms as I was pregnant so it was a good time. Our son was born healthy happy birth but of course first year of having a baby is tough. I struggled with sleep

deprivation, resentment towards him living a normal life and I did become distant again. We were struggling to understand each other and grew further apart. My periods came back in full force and my PMDD symptoms came back which I still didn't know I had at the time. I just thought I was a horrible, anxious, out of control person. My ex told me a few days after my son's first birthday that he couldn't be with me anymore and I was too much and I wasn't treating him right. Said I was like this before pregnancy and then after and he told me before I need to sort myself out but I didn't really know how or what to do to make it better. So he left the family home, joint mortgage, said he would stay at a friend's flat from work, he's a shift worker in security

services, he only came back to help once or twice a week, didn't have my son overnight and barely helped with our dog, I felt so alone and stuck. I begged him to have joint counselling with me and that I would go on antidepressants but he wasn't having any of it. I blamed myself and I struggled a lot. I shouldn't have but when I went on hinge to make myself feel better. Not that I wanted to but I wanted him back but I felt really crap. Ended up going on a date but didn't feel it at all and I knew I had to heal. He found out, ended up telling him he wasn't very happy. He went on to kiss a coworker at a Christmas party and said he'd done it because I went

on a date, which I didn't think was fair. I'd previously seen a text from this girl on his phone after we broke up, so it probably was going on before the kiss. He continued to be distant, only coming back here and there. Said he wanted to go to Mexico with the coworker for a two week holiday. She was going, but apparently in a group.

Hard to believe now. I was upset and felt abandoned with the dog and a baby, but he went. Whilst away, he messaged me saying that he misses the family and wanted us again. He came back and said that he would try again and I fell for it. We slept together. Then he said he wasn't going to work, so I was left heartbroken again.

He then went on to be distant again for months and was acting dodgy. Still not seeing my son much, all the time still financially contributing to the mortgage. Kept telling me nothing was going on with anyone else and still living in this flat. Kept telling me that he could never give me closure and who knows what would happen in the future. A month after my son's second birthday, he told me the girl that he kissed was pregnant. How do you get someone pregnant from a kiss?

Oh, did you not know that? That's right. Six months pregnant. Oh. Apparently only found out at five months, hard to believe that one, that they had been dating but not in a relationship. Big shock. He was distraught. He then tried to sleep with me a couple of weeks later, confused so much as I was all over the place with emotions. He kept telling me it wasn't what he wanted. The baby was born, he said it's not what he wanted.

He wanted us all back together, but couldn't leave her and his new son now. I hope he can leave you. For the past year, he's been saying that he wants to be with me, but can't leave yet or give any timeline. I feel so stupid as I feel I love him and want our family back.

But also I have so much resentment and backstabbing. I've grown a lot this year, changed jobs to a new job that I love, I've been diagnosed with PMDD so on the right medication so I've done all I can. I think he sees all this and regrets what he's done. He sees our son once or twice a week now he is living with her half an hour away, doesn't do any overnights with our son at all and no regular schedule. Still says that they aren't together but so hard to believe. My son has only met her once or twice apparently. When my ex was with him, he was at my house or takes him out, met his brother at my ex's parents house. I can't be stuck in limbo anymore. Do I believe

that he will come back to us or do I cut ties for good and move on? Whenever I mention to him my issues and or concerns, he's saying I'm being negative and toxic and take us back again. We have family days out and it feels good but it's not reality. He comes in and out of my life, of my family home, helps with the housework and then back and then still refers to it as his home. So hard to know what's real. Please help me. He's lying to you.

He is literally breadcrumbing the fuck out of you. He's not coming back. He doesn't want you to move on. He's leading two lives. He's got another baby. He is a prick and you need to let go. You're a much better woman. You need to set some serious boundaries. Stop doing the family days out. You are not a family. Do not let him in your home. Let him have a schedule.

If you want to be part of our son's life, this is what we're going to do. Let me know what days you would like him. Would you like him overnight? This is the schedule we are sticking to. Stop telling me you want to be with me. I don't want to be with you anymore. Lay down the law. Yeah. Like, this man is not your person. You deserve a hell of a lot better. You can find better and you will find better and you need to do the- Well I'm going to fuck up the rest of his life.

Yeah. Dick. Bye. Bye. Don't lust and confuse. What's that base? So, is that. What's that, babe? So lost and confused. Oh, is that what it's called? Hello ladies, how are you both?

I really hope this makes it onto your podcast as I'm feeling extremely low and stuck. I have lots of people in my life I can talk to but feel like I can't be completely honest, so here goes my story. Brace yourselves, it's a long one. I got married in 2011 in our mid-twenties to a man that I was only very briefly dating and to be honest didn't know very well. I married him based on the type of person he was and I knew our values aligned. On paper he was everything I thought I wanted in a husband, hardworking, loyal, ambitious, trustworthy and we had similar interests. We enjoyed spending time together and I thought this sounds so right. What could

possibly go wrong? Famous last words. Stupidly, him and I both saw red flags in one another which we completely ignored. I saw some anger issues in him where once he got across and punched my wing mirror. We used to argue a lot, however I honestly was so naive and didn't know what a real relationship was. I feel like I was like that with the first time I married. And didn't, not the anger with wing mirrors, I mean like I was like that when I first got married. Not the angle with wing mirrors. I mean, I was so naive. This is what I wanted in a relationship. I didn't know what a real deep relationship was, thinking it would all get better. I had deep regret

before getting married, knowing something was wrong, but I couldn't share my feelings with anyone. It didn't feel okay with him and we didn't feel compatible in so many ways. Anyway, over the years we ploughed through and made a very successful business and empire. We are very fortunate to be in the financial position we are in, but we worked extremely hard to get there. Therefore, I kept seeing red flags. I felt extremely neglected and disrespected. Some examples in the early days, he wouldn't stick up for me and his family disagreements, he barely spoke to me in front of his family, he was often rude to me in front of other people and then completely blanked me. I knew this wasn't normal.

With very little intimacy and passion, sex has never been regular. He says this was all down to me, which I do believe he's right. I didn't feel close to him, I didn't feel loved or valued and I never felt comfortable having sex with him or being intimate. I know he felt completely neglected by me, he says he felt that I didn't truly want to be in this marriage, which made him lack confidence in me. We had many many ups and downs but for some reason we stuck together, being from a culture where divorce is a taboo, we had no choice but to. Some years later we had two children.

I stupidly thought we would be okay. After the children that's when the abuse began, mainly verbal, swearing at me in front of the children, telling me to shut up, repeatedly saying things I didn't like even when asked not to and occasionally physical. As soon as it started I set this massive wall between us and we grew further apart. Over the recent years I saw a change in him. He was still verbally abusive but seemed more aware of himself and what he wanted from life. He often said that my priority is you and the kids. This made me feel special but in hindsight isn't like just the bare minimum to expect from your husband. Yes. He had a terrible upbringing and witnessed a lot of regular

domestic abuse. I spent years to get him to understand how this affected him and our marriage and how this would affect our children. He knows how worthless he has made me feel. I have had many low episodes over the recent years unable to take any more and wanted it all to end. Fortunately, I am a strong person and kept fighting. Anyway, fast forward to the present day. I would often look as an insider into my life and question whether I was happy with this and could do this for the rest of my life. Kept trying to convince myself I could. We had an amazing life financially, our kids were amazing, he is a good person, I felt proud to call him my husband. I went on holiday

a few months ago and very drunkenly kissed another man. I haven't felt sexual chemistry like that in my life, never, and that feeling is still very strongly there and it makes me smile when I think of it. He took my social media details and we continued to message whilst back home. Was it expecting? No, me neither. We have been sexting, I'm not proud of any of this, but this feeling is intoxicating. Over the last week, I have put a stop to it because it's not going to help the situation and isn't fair on my husband. Quite quickly coming from holiday, I realized that this marriage was not right. By getting attention from another man made me feel wanted and that I deserve better and could feel passion,

something I had never had with my husband but desperately wanted and my self-esteem grew. I asked to separate from my husband. He was taken by surprise but was well aware we had problems and we couldn't continue like this. Since then we have had many ups and downs. We have opened up to each other in great detail, though I haven't told him about the other man, but everything else is on the table and out in the open. We both know we have contributed to our marriage being this way. He is completely owned up to his mistakes and I 100% know he has changed and made himself a better person. He has even confronted his parents about the abuse he witnessed and distanced from them and spoken with his siblings about his upbringing. I don't hate him, I love him as a

person, I am proud of him, in fact I feel lucky have him. So I feel very stupid that I still want to end my marriage. I know he will do everything in his power to look after me and make me happy and give me an amazing life. I believe that, but I don't know whether I will ever have feelings for him. I have just turned 40 and want to be deeply in love. I want to be respected. I want to feel passion. I want intimacy. Am I asking for too much? I feel like I'm asking for too much and I should stop and think I've got a good man at home and just be bloody happy. He's still very much in love with me and has said to me I have to try harder to make this marriage work. I feel numb inside, I know this other man contributed to me getting to this point,

I'm completely aware of my stupidity, but I also feel like I would have stayed trapped had I not met him. Just to add, we are also having marriage counselling and I have had my individual counselling. Do I owe it to my husband to make it work? I feel like I'm letting him down. How do I develop feelings for him that ultimately weren't there in the beginning? To be honest, I don't know what I need help with, I just feel in a mess. I don't think I will meet someone as amazing as my husband. In fact, I think he's too good for me. His fun, spontaneous love has taken me out and spoiling me and wants to put me first. I see how other people love and respect him and tell me how lucky I am. But is that enough? Thanks. I can't ignore the fact that he's physically a ruse, you know, it's all I'm thinking of. You're saying all these things like I actually think that he's physically abused you. It's all I'm thinking of. You're saying all these things

like I actually think that he's too good for me. All I'm thinking in the back of my head, all I'm thinking about in the back of my head is that he's picked his hands up. So are you seeing something I'm not? I've got to be honest, I'm confused. I don't know if you were literally romanticizing the fuck out of him because he's been abusive.

Yeah, I agree. I don't think there is ever a reason to pick your hands up to another person, so don't get me wrong. If you hadn't mentioned that, then I'd maybe be like, maybe you could try. And like the fact he does seem to be taking accountability and those bits. Yeah. But I can't see past the physical abuse. Yeah, no, same.

So I've got to be honest, I don't actually feel comfortable giving advice. No. Do you feel the same? Yeah. It kind of went from him being really abusive to like, you literally being like, he's incredible, he loves and respects. Sorry, for me, someone that respects people around them doesn't hit their wife. Not only that, but I feel like you've gone from what sounded like you really need to

leave him to turning around and being like, I think he's too good for me. Everyone tells me I'm so lucky. So like, I'm confused. I actually feel like I need a bit more from you to really understand. People tell you they're lucky. They also only see what we put on to show people. Like, people probably would have looked at my marriage and think she's so lucky. She's got the perfect family. Like, let me tell you now, like, I was miserable for years. People put on a facade. Like he probably, it sounds like, you know, you're both, you're financially very well off,

people probably look at the lifestyle you're leading and you're doing family holidays and things together and thinking, yeah, money doesn't equate to happiness and that doesn't equate to luck or being lucky or being happy and having everything. Like I would much rather be struggling month to month than actually being in a relationship that A, is not abusive. Just to clarify, that's not I've been in an abusive relationship just

in regards to the situation. But like to be loved and respected, like someone who, like you said, like the way he spoke to you in front of your kids, like I understand he's come from trauma and obviously like things get passed down generations but and also there are things that you can forgive and work on and I'm not saying like oh because he didn't show you respect for a while you should leave like you can like take accountability and realise that this hasn't been okay that I'm putting my shit on you I'm gonna work on it I don't I don't know I don't think that'd be slightly different I agree I also just think like are you waiting for the next time

where something triggers him and you know, life, life, right? Life carries on, life in, like, no matter what you go through, there's gonna be ups and downs. What happens when there's a situation that he doesn't know how to resolve with his words and he uses his fists again?

Do you know what I mean? I just think, what's it gonna take? Like, are we waiting? I feel like I don't have enough, I've got to be honest. I'd actually be quite keen for you to maybe email in, and maybe with almost like a response to what we're saying, because I'm quite confused, because I feel like we spoke about two very different people from the beginning of the email to the end of the email.

Do you know what I mean? Confession of the Week. My ex and I have now been divorced for over three years. However, although we co-parent well, there's just nothing about him that I don't trust. He doesn't let me face find the kids when he's with them and I really wanna know what they're doing and where they are.

So no judgment, but my youngest child has a bear that he takes everywhere with him. I've considered this. I have sewn an air tag inside the teddy bear. Smart. Yeah. Does it not beep when you go near it? I don't know.

I don't know how much. But maybe she doesn't go near it. Neither. What? When my first split with my ex-husband, I had one of his air tags and like, I'm sure it used to be when I went near it, but it just reminded me that I had his air pods on my finder. Have I said this before? And I literally was watching him go everywhere. I wasn't like, I didn't plant anything there. Like he literally just didn't. Really?

Yeah. So he'd be telling me he was somewhere and I'm like, well, I know you're not. I think he thought I had a stalker on him at one point. I'm like, you're so stupid. Oh my God, you're so thick. Do you know what? That's quite smart.

I'm not gonna lie. Is it illegal? I don't know. Maybe you just don't want to lose the bear. The bear's very sacred. Sacred. Sacred bear. Anyway, keep writing your confessions in. We love them. We're watching and we don't judge. Let's finish off with an affirmation. I am bigger than my doubts, bolder than my fears and stronger than my obstacles. Love them. I think a lot of you listening today could take that on board. Affirm it. Have a great week guys.

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