Not As We Planned - 84. How To Text a Guy

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

We discuss how it’s sometimes better raising a child on your own than allowing a toxic parent to be a part of their life, realising you’re not yet ready to date yet and never settling for someone who isn’t willing to put in the work!Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi folks, David here from Curious Canadian History. Did you know that before the Beatles ever made it big in the US, they actually first arrived in Canada? To deep dive into this incredible story, we've brought on the legendary broadcaster Terry O'Reilly. Terry takes us through the Beatles arrival in Canada, their early successes, and then discusses the relationship that the Fab Four had with this country. It's an incredible story, it's an incredible discussion about a little-known aspect of Canadian music history. And you can check out this episode when it drops on April 1st. Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story

where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys and welcome back to Not As We Plan. We hope you are feeling great. We hope you are great. How's your week been? Firstly, we went to the Glowmama Awards on Saturday. We didn't win but we felt very grateful to be there. So next year guys, better get voting. Yeah, I finally said no. It was really nice to be nominated. And another thing that I think that we should point out that we haven't really made a big deal

of, which I think is a big deal, is our journals sold out. Our journals sold out in a month. We have ordered more but I feel like we have... That's proud. Yeah, why haven't we? No, I feel like we have... There's a crowd, yeah, why haven't we? No, I feel like it's a big deal. I feel like it's both been so busy recently as well. Yeah, I know. I feel like we're gonna make an announcement that it's sold out but we're gonna make them available

for pre-order because we should have them soon. Messaging asking when they're back in stock. So if you're listening to this, at this point, they will be probably like normal stock. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. And then, yeah, my week, it was my boyfriend's birthday, which was really nice. I don't know.

I think it was just nice to like spoil someone that actually appreciated it. I'm not saying that like I'd never been with someone that would appreciate it, but I feel like, I feel like maybe for the first time I was really making someone feel the way that like they make me feel every day. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. And it was just refreshing. Other than that, you know, nothing. I'm just loving this fucking weather. I'm making the most of it. It's sunny, no jacket.

I'm here for it. Here for my you. And I've had just a really lovely weekend with family. It was my niece's birthday. Like we had a party. It was just, it was just really wholesome and lovely. And yeah, now I'm still feeling really good at the moment. Like one thing I did reflect on this week,

and I think is becoming really apparent like through my journaling and therapy and stuff is, I've realized like the thing I love about myself and being in a relationship is actually me. And I think I am the magic in my relationships and I feel like I'm not trying to like give myself a massive head and that came up kind of wrong it wasn't quite how it sounded in my head and I just suddenly pictured you were a play-themed hospital with bloaty head with bloaty head with the massive head doctor required to bloaty head clinic is a bloaty head. With bloaty head. With the massive doctor required to bloaty head clinic.

It's a bloaty head. And then they used to pop it. I know. Best game ever. I love throwback. What a game. What a game. They don't make them like that anymore. Like the handyman. Yeah. Sick. Yeah. Yeah. Great game. Oh, nostalgia. But yeah, like I was looking back at like the things that made me feel amazing in my relationship and like things like I was such a good girlfriend, like I used to sneak notes into into his back pocket like when he went away on holiday, I would things like I used to make him scrapbooks of our time together. A lot of the things that used to make me feel amazing was making him feel amazing and special and I think appreciated in a way he might not have ever been appreciated. And actually what I've realized is I can bring that into whatever relationship I go into.

And actually, I'm not saying he didn't ever do thoughtful things for me, he did. But I want someone to be that much more thoughtful. I'd love someone to, you know, he never once left me a note or things like little things like that. I don't know, I've just realised that the things you little things. But they were me though. Yeah, the cute little things were me. He'd get here sometimes and I'd have made like a candlelit dinner or I'd planned

us to do a painting evening or I don't know I think a lot of the little things that I was like look I love this I'm like Cully you were the one that like did that. And yeah so I'm feeling really positive actually I'm feeling quite optimistic and excited and I go away in a couple of weeks and I feel like when I come back I've got a few personal things going on. Can't wait. But once that's done I feel like when I enter into May I feel like that is like, I don't know, I think it's a really lovely time. Like summer's just beginning. I think I might in May at some point, I don't know whether it'll be at the end or the start, I might start putting myself back out there again and meeting people and just, because

I am feeling really confident in myself. Do you know what? It's like the most sure and confident I felt in myself in a long time. Like I feel like, I don't know how I've done it, but I feel like my self-worth is like up here right now. Like I think again, things like this, like being able to reflect back and seeing the things that I thought were incredible in that relationship, a lot of them were me. It's like, Kylie, look how amazing you are.

Like, I don't know, it's just being kind to yourself and realizing, I don't know, I'm just feeling, I think it's the sun as well, like it's making me feel like summer, like I'm gonna go on dates, I might fall in love this summer, like how exciting is that? So yeah, I'm feeling optimistic and positive. That's so insulting, yeah, that's too relieving, I can't wait. Okay, this one is called a rollercoaster ride.

Bucklim. Hi Tashel Carly, as many others have said, I firstly want to thank you for your podcast. I found you at a time when I needed your advice and company like never before. I'm sharing my story with you as I'm struggling with the outcome. It's a long rocky one so you may want to sit down. We are. I got McCarthy. In the wrong mark.

I guess I needed a big one. I made better. Yeah, it's still on trend. It is on trend. I'm 31 and I've made some ridiculous decisions in my life. Hello ADHD and childhood trauma. But this one sits on top. I met my ex via Facebook dating back in... What's that?

I don't know. Facebook dating? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I met my ex via Facebook dating back in, what's that? I don't know. Facebook dating?

Make a note? No, thanks. But like Facebook's for old people. Yeah, I'm old. She's 30, right? Oh yeah, no. I'm not so sure I'm gonna go online. What?

I don't know. And we fell madly in love instantly. We went on holiday together the week after we- Wow. And discussed life yolo. All of which we were on the same boat. We had the most amazing experience together. We had so much fun.

He treated me the way I wanted and needed, and he made me feel incredible. We had multiple lengthy conversations about having a baby, baby and if things didn't work out between us, we would be happy co-parenting with one another. I think that's really weird. Yeah, that's weird. Like that is never a conversation that you're going to have with someone before you've even organised having the baby. It's like, do you know what? But if we don't work, I've got it there, co-parent her. Nine by five.

Why are you even thinking about that? I had polycystic ovaries and I wasn't sure if and how long it would take to get pregnant. So we started straight away, silly, I know. Anyway, things started going downhill quite quickly. I wonder what the time scale is here from meeting to trying for a baby because it sounds a big commitment with a human.

Gaslighting, emotional abuse, coercive language, constantly dismissing my feelings and needs and blaming me for his behavior. These are all the things I've been through so I knew the signs straight away, although this didn't make it easy to leave when I should have. I spent many a day or night crying and sometimes even vomiting due to crying so much and the anxiety that he had caused me. I'll add that his best friend was someone he dated and set with previously to me. They did everything together. Football days together, holidays together. Wait, girl best friend?

It must be. Nah. I'm never ever dating anyone who's got a girl best friend? It must be. Nah. Late night. I'm never ever dating anyone who's got a girl best friend. Let me make that very clear. Yeah, same. No. No. No.

Thank you. They did everything together. Football days, holidays to Europe, late night drives, flutz and e-texting and days out on his boat, all of which he wouldn't do with me. No. She had a key to his place and would come around unannounced and never make conversation with me, kind of acted as if I weren't there. This is all just very weird. I caught them sleeping on the sofa together, tucked up under the blanket one evening when we had planned for me to stay the night.

And he hadn't mentioned she was over. She had no trousers on due to them being in the tumble dryer. Are we okay here? Oh my god! No, sorry. I'm just imagining me like walking into my bed and he's under a blanket snuggled with another woman without a dress. That's absolutely not happening.

On the fucking floor. What the fuck? Sharon cover your dick and see. I'm out of here. I'd be gone. Just no. No. What?

The actual... No. What? The actual... No. Um, of course they didn't see a problem with any of this. The problem was my feelings, not their actions. Three months in and I couldn't take it anymore and I left. However, a week after leaving, I found out that I was three weeks. Oh, gosh. I told him straight away, you told me to get drunk.

To sort the problem out. Oh. That's disgusting. That's vile. This broke me. I then received many text messages begging me not to go through with the pregnancy. He tried manipulating me and then told me he was going to commit suicide if I kept the baby.

These messages kept coming all hours of the day and night. He then messaged me with a plan of leaving the country and throwing himself off a mountain. I was quite a mother at the start of the pregnancy and couldn't even turn over in bed without vomiting so I didn't need this. I called his best friend and his dad and told them what he had planned. They had no idea and it shocked them. He then went missing and the police were involved. He turned up at my house at 2am. The police arrived and by 5am his dad had taken him home. The police told me the other girl had called herself his girlfriend. Surprise, surprise. I mean. Predictable. Fast forward a couple of months of no contact due to his ongoing abuse. He

messaged to say he wanted to be involved and could we meet up. He raised a fun day. To be honest, we had such a lovely day together. We ended up kissing and he stuck around in the loosest turns for a couple of weeks. This happened a few times through the pregnancy. I finally had enough and set some boundaries.

Some of them the bare minimum in terms of talking to me respectfully, et cetera. We had no contact for the rest of my pregnancy due to further abuse. The birth was traumatic. It lasted five horrendous days. Everything that could have gone wrong did and I almost lost my baby due to the cord being wrapped around his neck and him getting stuck in my cervix. The first few days at home were incredibly hard as he was bald with teeth. Oh my God, could not believe that was a thing. I couldn't give him pain relief due to him being less than a week old.

So we were in A&E multiple times in the first few weeks. I ended up with an infection in my episiotomy scar and was on antibiotics, which made my baby unwell as I was breastfeeding at the time. He has a growing list of allergies, so it hasn't been the easiest of transitions into motherhood. I love him dearly and have never felt a bond like it. He's like absolute wild. He's growing well. He's on the 95th percentile. He's the cheekiest, funniest eight month old I know. His dad reached out to me a couple of months ago. He called me randomly at 11pm one night. Now I know nothing good would have come from a conversation that late at night. He asked, who does he think he is calling me at a time when I have a baby to after as

a single mom? I've claimed for CMS and I believe this is the reason he called me more abused. So I chose to ignore him completely. Prior to my boy, I was incredibly active, solo holidays, dancing, climbing walls and mountains, et cetera. I don't have a relationship with most of my family and I have my sister, but she has a baby two days after me so I can't really rely on her for help. My best friend changed when my baby arrived and our relationship isn't the same. We hardly speak or see one another.

She's going out with her life as we don't exist. Oh, she's going on with her life as if we don't exist anymore. I moved house twice and was faced with homelessness with my five month old. I've recently moved into a little two bedroom property that I'm privately renting. So although life has changed dramatically in more ways than I thought possible, I haven't changed things. Okay, maybe a few things. The reason that I'm emailing is because I'm really struggling with the fact that my baby isn't going to have a father in his life. We're not going to have that unit that I was initially made to believe we would have. I grew up with a half in absent abusive father, so I'll do

anything to ensure my baby doesn't grow up in the same environment. I think about his dad a lot. Every day things remind me of what could have been. I feel so torn. There are days I want to message him and try and facilitate a relationship. But I know this isn't possible with the type of person that he is. I know your children's father involved so you may not be able to relate to this but I guess I just need some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing for my son by not involving the father. He isn't on the birth certificate due to safety reasons. There's a lot more to this story but I'll spare you there even longer read. If you've read all of this, then thank you, and I really look forward to hearing your advice.

Can I just say that, sadly, like, some people are actually better off without a person like that in their lives. If someone's going to be unreliable, unpredictable, volatile. Your child is going to be far better off with just you and I genuinely believe you can provide enough love, enough safety and enough of a life on your own. I mean, look online, there's so many amazing inspirational women. There's someone I've followed for absolutely years who does it all on her own, completely solo parent. The father has never, never ever been present. Kelly Spinelli, her name is. She is honestly incredible. Go and follow her because she will give you like, her son is the happiest little boy ever and she does the most incredible job. And sadly in these

situations we can't control people. We may, this idea that you've got of your family and like the idea that you wanna reach out and like maybe facilitate something. The idea you've got in your head is a fantasy. That's not the person he is. You're not going to have that dream family. And I think sometimes, it's like we're going through a breakup, we need to accept the reality of our situation.

And I think the sooner we make peace with that and accept the circumstances for what they are, we can learn to move forwards and learn to adapt our life and change. Like, I genuinely only believe people being involved in your children's life for a good purpose, people who can bring positive experiences, positive environments, they're the only people you need. And I think it's so easy to compare ourselves to what we consider normal. And if our circumstances don't necessarily meet that,

but I think your child's gonna be just fine with you. And I think maybe it's you who needs to let go to that idea and that fantasy. Do I don't know if you'll remember, we once spoke about the fact that there's this kind of like taboo that children can get a bit like fucked up coming from like a divorced family or a single parent family or what, you know, not that. I really feel like the circumstances of how the parents go about the breakup or how they

are in front of the child or whether they use the children for like ammo or like they you know they manipulate they manipulate the children to kind of like hate on the mom or or even the other way and hate on the dad or I think that those situations are what mess up children I don't think that there is some like rule of thumb that if you come from a family with just one child, you're gonna have childhood trauma, you're gonna have issues.

It's actually the things that you're protecting your son from right now by not allowing his dad in his life that I think are gonna make him a better person, a better child. You're showing him about boundaries. You're showing him that boundaries. You're showing him that you don't just accept someone into your life because he was sperm. Do you know like, you need to actually realise that what you're doing and raising him on your own,

he's going to look back one day and be like, my mom was amazing, she was so strong. She didn't take shit, she didn't back down, she held her standards, she held her boundaries, all for me and I feel like having a parent and being able to look back and be proud of how they brought you up is so much better for them than watching you be treated badly and accepting bad behaviour, toxic behaviour, abusive behaviour. So I really, really hope that you listening to what we're

saying is going to make you think, do you know what? I'm fucking unreal what I'm doing. I'm bad. I'm badass. Like I can do this on my own. I don't need a man to make our family feel whole and swell. Feel like a family, that you are a family. Well, and look, one day, maybe once you've done the work, maybe once you, because the fact that you were explaining what your dad was like, and then it sounds like you've sort of found a replica of that in the father of your child,

I feel like maybe it's time to do some work on yourself, some inner healing. You can find a perfect partner who will take on your son like their own. You can have that dream family life that you hope to have one day with a different person. Like, unfortunately, you've had a baby with someone that isn't good for you.

That doesn't mean that you're not gonna find a man that's actually happy to bring him up in the right way. So, that's a no. ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi folks, David here from Curious Canadian History. Did you know that before the Beatles ever made it big in the US, they actually first arrived in Canada?

To deep dive into this incredible story, we've brought on the legendary broadcaster Terry O'Reilly. Terry takes us through the Beatles arrival in Canada, their early successes, and then discusses the relationship that the Fab Four had with this country. It's an incredible story, it's an incredible discussion about a little known aspect of Canadian music history. And you can check out this episode when it drops on April 1st. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. acast.com

Yeah, thank you for emailing in. Hi girls, firstly I want to say thank you so much. I'm so glad I found you. I don't feel as half as alone. None of my friends are separated and no one truly gets how hard it is doing parenting alone. I broke up from my ex for 20 years in September 2020-23. Well, that was when I found out the first of many lies. He moved out but it was so hard so I ended up getting him to come back simply so I wasn't struggling and alone

with the kids. Then in February 2024 I found out the most painful lie ever imaginable. I said he needed to leave but let's do it amicably for the sake of our two and five year old boys and he didn't. It was torture. She didn't tell us what the thing was. Oh my god, is she not telling it? I don't know. Pure hell for 18 months he emotionally abused me.

If he did see the boys he would be so angry he would cause such chaos that I then had to pick up the pieces of the boys pain and then he didn't see the boys for would be so angry he would cause such chaos that I then had to pick up the pieces of the boys' pain, and then he didn't see the boys for about six weeks. The entire thing was unbearable, doing it alone whilst dealing with his painful lies, the end of our family, looking after the boys so less alone and then his emotional abuse. I really, really wasn't coping and I then forced my ex to see them, so since last October he has been having them on a Wednesday after school but has to bring them back to my house to put them to bed as he is living with his mum. I am then on a curfew of being home at 8.30pm. I hate it all but all I want is the boys to be okay and see their dad. I have tried to get him to have them at the weekend

but he refuses, basically to stop me from having a life and meeting someone new. Wow. I've done a lot of therapy. I started therapy in February 2023 so when we actually broke up I really had processed a lot of it but it's been the emotional abuse that has torn me apart these last 12 to 18 months. The vile abusive words, the stalking and texting did stop about four or five months ago. He does occasionally say stuff to me when he thinks I'm with my new boyfriend,

which is- Your new boyfriend? Which is the once a month the boys stay at my mum's. The one and only night I get off are he thinks. Oh. On top of all of this, it's been hard to comprehend as this man I knew for 20 years never treated me badly, not once.

It all started after our second child. He started drinking and just turned horrible. From therapy I do understand where it all comes from, childhood, like everything, but it's no excuse. Anyway, I have now started dating. I didn't do anything for 8 months as I was simply surviving, but I think I went about it the wrong way. Basically, drunken flings, which just got confusing, even though that is all I thought I wanted. Now I realize I want something more and I'm so confused with how to date again.

Before my ex, I was good at dating, never let Emma mess me around, but now at 44 with a three and six year old, it's such a head fuck. I own my own house and paid the mortgage off years ago. Wait. Oh, good for you babe. I have my own business, but that mortgage off years ago. Wait. Aw, good for you babe. I have my own business but that has definitely suffered from all of this which I'm upset

about but my friends all tell me I'll get it back when I have the headspace, etc. But the dating. I see on Instagram about things like how to text a guy and the four texts to send to them to get them to be yours, etc. What was that? Do you believe in this? I've seen this coming. I wish you did. Do I need to date more strategically? It's so exhausting. I hope all of this makes

sense. Thanks for taking the time to read it. I'm going to say something that I don't know if you're going to want to hear, but I almost feel like, you know how you said you were a bit upset that your business has sort of like been affected from what you've been through and your friends are like, when you're in the right headspace you'll get it back. I would personally be concentrating more on that first than dating. I just feel like you want to be the best version of yourself and have done enough and poured into yourself before you're able to pour into a relationship. I would personally be focusing

more on that and then I think that the dating will probably become more natural and easier. I don't believe in like there should be like a strategic way of dating. It's not a gay. Yeah, it's not a gay business transaction. No, it should come naturally and like you bond with someone and there's chemistry. I think it means you're not in the right energy yet and I think that's okay and I think maybe you're putting pressure on yourself like feeling like, oh but I've done therapy, I've done this, I don't want to be alone and I think it's really important to like be in that headspace. I kind of relate to this in a way. I have completely thrown myself into work the last few months and I felt like that was

perhaps something I didn't always have the energy for previously in a relationship. I don't know, I feel like I kind of lost my way a little bit in terms of, I was with someone who wasn't really into the same things as me in terms of health and fitness and I found my way back to those things and I think I'm immersing myself in things that genuinely like set my soul on fire. When I do come to date, I'm not going to be looking online to find out like what messages I should be saying to someone to get them to like me. Like at the end of the day, they're going to like me because I'm me and I don't think there's anything we should be saying to anyone. I think a lot of it is about an exchange of energy. That's not the right person. Maybe

you're perhaps not quite in the right head space and maybe you need to be, I don't know, doing something to get yourself in a more positive energy. There is a really good, interesting episode. It's the Mel Robbins podcast. She was talking to a dating expert who actually works for Hinge. And it was all about like, they were obviously like analyzing all the analytics and stuff from what they've seen with like their matches and things. And it's a really interesting listen for anyone who's perhaps scared of the dating scene. And it is a really scary concept. I think it's really hard as well. I think we hear a lot of horror stories.

But actually, I also know a lot of people who have met on dating apps. Like you met your boyfriend on a dating app. I met my ex boyfriend on a dating app who, know as much as I'm healing from that breakup now like he was a really lovely good person who gave me a really positive experience in a relationship and I don't think there should be any message you have to send to get someone to message you back. I'm just a bit intrigued if I were with you, sitting with you, I'd really like you to answer the question of like, why do you want a date? Is it to fill a void of you feeling lonely

or are you genuinely ready? Do you feel like you're at that place where you're like, do you know what? I'm happy in myself, now I just want to meet someone that can like elevate that even more rather than bring me the happiness that I feel like I'm lacking. I would personally be putting your energy into things whilst you've got that time to do you. If you're disappointed or upset that your business isn't where it was because of what you've been through, get it there before you start putting your energy

into another person. Yeah, so you're not going to be able to put that energy into your business. That is- You're going to be putting energy into another person. Next thing you're not gonna be able to put that energy into your business. You're gonna be putting it into someone else. Yeah, like don't get me wrong. I'm not saying like don't date. I'm just saying to me from the email I've read, I don't think you sound quite ready or maybe you're not gonna be doing it for the right reasons.

And I feel like with that, you attract the wrong type of person or not necessarily the wrong person, but just not the right reasons and I feel like with that you attract the wrong type of person or not necessarily the wrong person but just not the right person. By all means I'm so happy for you to email back and tell us otherwise but I feel like it would be a really good way for you to use your time right now is to do a bit more on yourself and if that's just work related that is what I would be doing. And then when you're ready, I think you'll realise there is no doers of what you must do

in order to match with someone. Like Carly said, you be you. You'll radiate what you put out there and if someone wants you, you don't need to play games. You don't need to agree with that, even if you don't think it. You don't need to pretend that you like that just to make them like you.

This is me, take care, all goodbye. Yeah, and if they're not texting you back, they're not emotionally available. You don't want that drama in your life. Amen. Okay, so I guess on the same sort of path, help dating after divorce. Okay. Hello again. I wrote to you last year when I was really struggling to move on from my ex-husband of two years after separation.

You read out my story saying, to say hearing it back was a slap in the face I needed as an understatement. So thank you, I very much needed that wake up call. I wish I remember what it was about, but I'm glad it helped. Six months later, I decided I was ready to start dating. I knew what I wanted. I made it very clear on my profile that I wanted someone to spend my child free time with, to have adventures and enjoy life. I'm not looking for an immediate, intense relationship where we are living in each other's

pockets. I went on hinge and I ended up chatting to a guy. We went on a date and hit it off immediately. He literally ticked every box for me into meditation, yoga, keeping fit, mentally and physically. Sounds like someone for you. That's what I'm into. Very much into constantly working on himself. We simply got on so well. We had so much in common and then in the bedroom was just another level.

Let's just say we were very compatible. Love that. The only issue there was, was that the distance between us. It's not my ex boyfriend, he doesn't do any of those things so I... But I can't recommend distance. About an hour and a half, but we both discussed this and said neither of us were looking for anything too serious just yet. But in the future this could be worked around by either of us. We have been dating for the last three months and it has been brilliant. The only thing for me was on the last three dates he kept turning up very late, over an

hour on the last one. It was very triggering for me as I felt like I was being stood up and started having thoughts that he was just not into me. I'm sorry, an hour late is I think, vile. I, do you know what one thing I really don't like? Is lateness. I feel like it's a disrespect of your time. I feel bad because I am late quite a lot. No, there's late and then there's...

I'm just a bit scatter. That's different. Like one thing that I think I really appreciate about my boyfriend is he like, rather than making me feel like I'm doing it on purpose or like I'm disrespectful, he just sort of like, I can't explain that he'll come and like, be like, right, come on, like he'll almost like help me hold myself accountable for doing things on time because he knows what I'm like, rather than like, oh, I think it's because I'm early for life.

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I think it's like when it's consistent, it's like, it's obviously a problem for you, like work for life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't know, I think it's like when it's consistent it's obviously a problem for you, like work on it. Yeah. I don't know, sometimes I feel like it's a disrespect of my time. I mean, an hour late on a day is just,

yeah, that's just beyond. That would have pissed me off. I wouldn't have waited. No, no, no. The third time it happened, and I explained this to him and added something I also would like to receive. Good morning, good night messages. My love language is words of affirmation and these things mean a lot to me. Again I explained I'm not asking for more time commitment, just a bit more consistency in my time to be respected. He came back to say that he

understands but that's just who he is and he can't change that. He explains how much he likes me and I am everything he wants in a woman, but he can't give me what I need because that wouldn't be true to who he is. If someone is not capable... They're not hearing you. ...of a morning... They're not hearing you.

...or goodnight message. No. No. That's weird. It takes 20 seconds. But why wouldn't you want to do it if that's going to make the person that you're with happy? And feel safe.

And also, the fact that he's saying, this is who I am. Not working on himself. Yeah, they're not this. Yeah, they're not relevant. They're not. They're not looking to make changes. Well, you're not working on yourself either. That's not.

Am I asking for too much? No. We had a couple of things planned over the next couple of months. There was a trip away that I had got for his birthday and can't get my money back for, and a music event that we- Go on out on your own.

He said he would still like to do those things with me. I've said I'm not comfortable making memories with someone who doesn't see a future with me, but now'm questioning myself. Am I being too needy? No. Should I have just kept my mouth shut and enjoyed the simple times with him and not expected more? I'm feeling very confused about all of this and I'm gutted because I do really like him. Thank you for everything you do guys. Hearing your journeys really inspires and helps me. This is the problem when women think that they can be in a relationship and not fall deeper and then start picturing their life with that person.

And that distance will be a problem at some point. I don't know if you've got kids or not but trust me from someone who was with someone who lived a hundred miles away, two hours away. No, she did. She said she wanted to meet someone in her kid-free time. Fine, yeah, you're right. It does get complicated and look, I was in a situation where we were like, we'd always worked through it, like, it's fine. At the start of our relationship, we were talking about both moving to the middle and then it was going to be me who had to move. And trust me, it will become an issue.

I've read the distance actually seems completely irrelevant because the fact that he is not willing to make certain changes that are so small to make you feel more comfortable and content and feel a bit more safe. For me that's a massive right for me. Yeah I agree. Like I feel like. That's only going to get worse if he's not listening to you now and that's three months into the relationship once like. That's only gonna get worse if he's not listening to you now and that's three months into the relationship once like... That thing's so simple.

Yeah. Imagine what's gonna happen when it's a big challenge that does take quite a bit of work. But also like, him not doing that as well and you've got the distance, it's not like you're gonna be seeing him all the time. That is gonna make, like that, trust me, like I know what it's like, those morning and evening texts

are those little moments that you need. And if he's not listening, let me tell you now, do not ever ignore the person that they are showing you that they are. The fact that he's basically saying you're saying to him, these are my needs, I'd really appreciate it if you could like make some adjustments to make me feel safe. And he's basically saying to you, I can hear you, I am not going to even try and do that. That for me screams absolute volumes about the kind of person this man is. And if I was you, personally I would end it.

If you haven't given him the trip, I would go away on that trip on your own, take a friend, whatever it is. Don't hold onto things just because you've got things, but he honestly, he's not your person. Also, I feel like you saying things like, you're questioning whether you're being too needy and whether you should have just kept your mouth shut like never keep your mouth shut about

anything however little or small it seems like if that is something that you want to voice and you feel like you're missing something or you want some reassurance that is actually such a dangerous step in a relationship where you feel like you are better off keeping your mouth shut and not sharing how you feel because you don't think that the response that they're gonna give you is gonna be good. That is such a red flag in a relationship

and I've actually spoken about that before. When you're already preempting how they're gonna react before you even do it so you don't bother doing it, that is when you become a quieter person, a lesser version of yourself. Do not let anyone make you feel like you cannot speak up to yourself and ask for something that is actually so valid. I suppose, like, no.

Don't neglect your own needs. Like, we can't help what the things we need are and if someone's not meeting them, there's no shaming you having like higher standards and yeah. I think it's more being very aware that what you're asking for is so minimal and really bare minimum. Imagine when you're going to come into a situation where it's actually still just as valid but a much bigger thing. I would get rid and like Carly said go on that trip on your own or with a friend. I want an update. I want you to get rid of him because what he showed you at the beginning No, he ain't doing the work. Okay confession of the week Hey girls, this was a long time ago as I'm now remarried to a fab man

My first husband lived in the family home whilst we were separated for about five months I continued to do his washing as I did the kids too and it was easier to just continue. What he didn't know in the whole five months is that I didn't wash his underwear. I used to just put it back in the drawers. That is hilarious. He never noticed. And once he left, he continued to treat me awfully. So I always had that little reminder that made me smile. Oh shit pan.

That's grim. That is so disgusting. Oh it must have been like a build up of like skip marks. Ah! Bleh! Ha! Guide to his new bird with his dirty underwear. She must be like, what's that stench?

Oh, that is rank. It's giving cheese balls. Oh, it's actually making me feel slightly unwell. Yeah, the microphone doesn't think it. The microphone has died. Let's finish with a little affirmation of the week. Do you know what? We're going to keep it simple.

I think it is never dull at your sparkle. Keep glowing girls because... No. Yeah. Hold your head high. Amen. Love you. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi folks, David here from Curious Canadian History. Did you know that before the Beatles ever made it big in the US, they actually first arrived in Canada? To deep dive into this incredible story, we've brought on the legendary broadcaster Terry O'Riordan. Terry takes us through the Beatles arrival in Canada, their early successes, and then

discusses the relationship that the Fab Four had with this country. It's an incredible story, it's an incredible discussion about a little known aspect of Canadian music history. And you can check out this episode when it drops on April 1st.