Not As We Planned - 85. Things Just Got Juicy

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

Finally getting confirmation that your cheating suspicions were correct, being the new partner and having to deal with an uncomfortable coparenting relationship, and being torn whether to leave my partner although there’s been no pinnacle event!Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In the fall of 2001, while Americans were still grappling with the horror of September 11th, envelopes started showing up at media outlets and government buildings filled with a white lethal powder, anthrax. But what's strange is if you ask people now what happened with that story almost no one knows It's like the whole thing just disappeared who mailed those letters Do you know? From wolf entertainment USG audio and CBC podcasts. This is aftermath the hunt for the anthrax killer available now Anthrax Killer, available now.

Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not A Zoo Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion, and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing

We want to point out we are not qualified professionals Although I feel the high I'm one and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of not as we planned we're back baby We're back. Did she miss us? Yes, we missed you and we had some people telling us that not everyone should have a podcast. So we thought that this was going to happen. We were waiting for it. Well, we were waiting.

Yeah. A few weeks ago, we spoke on the episode called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. And we delved into that sort of opinion that men are just sort of getting praised for doing the bare minimum and just sort of like praised for doing the bare minimum and just sort of like if they show up or if they don't let us down with the co-parenting or if they're paying their maintenance or even when you're married and if they babysit their children. I had my makeup done the other day and this girl does like she's on set in different countries for

films and so she was away working in Italy for like a really long block of time. So her husband bought the kids out, two kids. He flew on his own in the plane and the plane applauded him for traveling on his own with two kids. Sorry, people didn't even fucking help me on my plane, let alone applauded me. People barged past me whilst I had like a pram and five backpacks and two little children hanging off me. It's just wild. So anyway, we were expecting, and what we expected has happened. The treatment. The, so we only really get men engaging on our posts when we say something that they

would view as negative. And obviously we have triggered many men that need to do the work. Guys, if you are listening, please go and get our journal. It will really help you. But it's gone viral where we're talking about we shouldn't be praising men for doing the bare minimum. And honestly, some of the comments are funny, hilarious. Like, luckily, I'm thick skinned. I'm the only one talking in the video. So it's all on me. And they're like, it's giving like stay at home mom. I work. Thank you. She's probably divorced. I am. Thank you. I left him. Hallelujah. Literally. It's just so funny. They're like, you, you're definitely single. Just they're so triggered.

And I find it quite entertaining when we trigger men about things that all the comments, all the positive comments and that, oh my God, this is so true, are the women. And then you suddenly got all these men, but that comment that that woman left about the men, I can't remember what it was, but yeah, it's just funny. So yeah, all the toxic men come out and keyboard warriors. But it's interesting there were a couple of men on there I was reading who were like yeah it really annoys me when I get praised for things like this and I think those are your dads who are down to earth who recognize and respect what

women do and they're just doing the same and they're like well why am I being recognized for this more and I think that's the difference. They're the green flags, they're the single, they're the ones you need to click on. I think they're the ones who are like, I don't know, obviously have that self-awareness about the times we live in. And look, like some of them were on there like saying, oh, it's because we grew up in a generation where our parents, our dads did this or whatever. Do you know what? I don't actually necessarily think that's completely true.

Like I actually grew up with a very, very hands-on dad. I think that's why I'm gonna struggle for anyone to compare to that. My dad used to pop up around, he was the only dad he came to every cross country. He used to pop out of different bushes, like to egg me a lot. Like he went above and beyond my dad, I'm telling you now.

I know, for me personally, like my dad travelled a lot. What my dad did as a parent has absolutely no bearing on what I think is bare minimum from a man. And grew and I went, what? No, you're just triggered and you're probably a shit dad and you're blaming your baby mama. You're blaming your baby mama for the things that you are clearly not able to bring to the table. So thank you. And goodbye.

Yes, let's go into some emails. We have an update. We have an update. Who's it from? We have an update. I was bloody right. Episode 42 update. I was bloody right. Episode 42 update. No kids, but they were married. He just wasn't attracted, saying he wasn't attracted, just saw her as a friend.

Went on a date to a restaurant. We got married in three nights before the breakup happened. And she suspected that he'd gotten some attention from someone at work. Can I? I don't remember. It was last April so. Oh wow. Okay hello again ladies. Almost a year on and I wanted to give you an update. Things just got juicy. Other than a couple of very generic messages whilst dealing with a

property sale and divorce I haven't spoken to my ex in almost a year. Wow, oh because I didn't have kids. We broke up at the end of February 2025. I think she must mean 24. I honestly don't even really think about him anymore. A luxury I know because we don't have any children together. In those early days I thought I would never be able to get over him and that the heartbreak would last forever. And today on the day of our divorce finally went through, I was scrolling suggested friends on Facebook and a random girl popped up. We had five mutual friends so I clicked. My ex-mother-in-law, sister-in-law and auntie-in-law and immediately I knew. Her Facebook was locked so I went

and searched her on Instagram and there it was, a smiling photo of my ex and this woman at their baby shower. 13 months almost to the day we separated, his due to have a baby. Wow. And just as I suspected, they worked together. Another one. I was in a state of shock but I also, also I feel almost elated that I was right. I understand that. I was right that he was cheating and he was too gutless to admit it.

What the actual fuck. But enough about him. I spent months after my breakup taking time for myself. I saw a psychologist, I did a lot of Pilates, yoga and walking whilst listening to the pod. I realised so much of my life had been tied up in being a good wife for someone who didn't give a shit about me, didn't prioritise me in any way and had completely lost touch with myself. I signed up to Tinder not long after you shared my story in episode 42. The very first match I got, I kind of saved because

I knew I wasn't actually ready for anything. I really liked the look of him. A couple of weeks later in June, I was sitting at home bored on a long weekend and decided to send him a message. And he replied almost straight and we've spoken every single day since. He has shown me the kind of love over the last 7 months that I never got from my ex in 16 years. It's obviously still very early days but I never knew a relationship like this could exist. He makes me feel so beautiful and tells me every day. He's generous and kind and communicative. What a word. It's such a shock to my system to have a man who actually wants to do things with me weekends away, trips to the supermarket,

get him matching Christmas pajamas, things I never had before and thought were normal. My ex-husband never gave me the bare minimum. Being with him has helped me to heal so much. Also, why did I put up with mediocre sex that only served my ex for so long? Yeah. so yeah. I'm non-existent.

I've just bought a new house on my own and I'm so excited now for what the future has in store for me. Keep up the amazing work. You're truly helping so many women all around the world. P.S. I'm from Australia. Oh, I love it. We're coming there one day.

We are. It's on the vision board. Do you know how, because I think that- We did. We mentioned Australia. No, we mentioned Australia a few weeks ago. We got loads of D.N.s. D.N.s.

Australia, Australia, Australia. Tomorrow night, Carly and I are actually sitting down and we're making a vision board purely for the podcast and where we want it to go. Just some big stuff going on there. Yeah, it's exciting. We might still have a bit some content when we do it. But yeah, watch this space, purse.

Or Melbourne or wherever. Okay, this is interesting. How to cope with being the partner after the rice. You go. Go. Hey girls, I just wanted to say a massive thanks for the pardon for everything you both do. I thoroughly enjoy listening to both episodes each week.

I don't really know what I'm hoping for with this email, maybe just a bit of advice regarding how to deal with my situation. I've been with my partner for over a year. We have a lovely relationship. He reassures me he is loving and we get on so well. He has two children who I'm very keen on meeting and we have been discussing this for the last few months. I've never dated anyone with children so the dynamic is very different to my previous relationship. So she's not like children? No. The adjustment to date is someone who co-parents was quite a lot and it took me quite some time to cope with the constant communication with his ex but I feel like the insecurity and anxiety is cropping up massively at the moment. I understand that by the way

because I think I convinced myself when I first started dating after my divorce, that I really wanted someone without children because I didn't know if I'd be able to handle like that constant ex. It is hard. It can be hard. Obviously my first relationship was with someone that didn't have kids and now I'm with someone that has kids. I think I can understand it but now having that thought of not being able to handle it and realizing I actually can handle it, it depends on who you're with and the reassurance. Yeah, it's very- And also I guess it depends on-

Their relationship. Your relationship they've got. Yeah. You know, if it's like that guy who was shacking up on the sofa with his best friend with her travel partner. Oh, absolutely. The reason why I'm so sorry. Absolutely. The reason why I'm struggling to cope with this situation is because he still meets his ex every Friday and has the afternoon with the kids together.

He still hasn't introduced me to his children, despite him saying he wanted this to happen months ago. He obviously communicates with the mother every day numerous times. He has started having phone calls now catching up about the children, which is a new thing. The children have been in hospital recently and he has been spending days there and staying overnight. I know it seems petty being upset and worried, but I just had bad anxiety when they are together.

They have been separated for two years and are not currently divorced. She refuses to move on, won't sign the paperwork, won't sell the house, won't let him move on with his life and with me. I just have horrible feeling that she's still in love with him. I have explained my feelings to him and he just denies it and says he is with me and he wants a divorce but he seems to be in no rush to introduce me to the children or to get the legal formalities sorted. Recently, contact with her has increased massively, even asking if she's okay, if she's sleeping, et cetera, and I'm starting to worry.

I always knew dating someone with kids would be more difficult, but I don't think that I'd be this anxious about them being together. I've also read text messages where he says stuff along the lines of missing their family unit. Whilst he was dating me, he says that he enjoys seeing her

when he drops the kids off. This was nearly a year ago but still haunts me. I just keep saying I want him to be fully separated so we can move forward together and I wouldn't have the constant reminder that he's still technically married. I know you've both been with people with children, so they are also used to co-parenting relationships, but do you have any advice for the new partner who isn't used to this dynamic?ing relationships but do you have any advice for the new partner who isn't used to this dynamic? I'm doing my best to cope with it but I can't help get worried and anxious every time they spend time together that he

still wants the family unit back together. I think it's harder given I've not met his children either so I can't show him how lovely it would be with us four together. There's also been a few occasions such as funerals, deaths, miscarriages where I've needed him to support me and he's had would be with us four together. There's also been a few occasions, such as funerals, deaths, miscarriages, where I've needed him to support me and he's had to be with his children. That bit's really hard, because it's almost like you don't wanna... Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Like I do understand that his kids come first, but I'm writing this message after my nan has passed away and he's currently with his children and his ex. It's just really hard to get used to being the third person in his life. I also really struggle to separate that he's seen the kids and not because he wants to see her. I'm hoping one day I'll get used to this dynamic and it will be better once I have met his children. So I feel more included and involved but currently I feel really down.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm driving myself insane. Many thanks girls. Love both of you. P.S. Tour up North please. Can I be honest? And I don't know if this is what you're going to want to hear, but being with someone now who has an ex and who has children, if he ever started doing something different to what he's done in our relationship that we've been in so far, because you've said that things have changed, that they're talking more, they're communicating more. If my boyfriend started doing that,

I would pull him up on it, and if he didn't respect that, I would end it. Like for me, that is crossing a boundary. There's a massive difference between their relationship being a certain way, you coming in while their relationship was like that and you being okay with it and then changing your mind and asking for him to change for you.

Yeah, agree. To him making changes. Increasing the contact loads. And I have to say, actually with co-parenting, different when your kids are ill, but there's not the need to talk every single day. Not when, like, two years, yeah, I understand the divorce hasn't gone through,

but I'm in the same situation, I'm two years in, divorce hasn't gone through, we don't need to speak every day, and we certainly don't. And do you know what, even like the spending the family day together on a Friday, I think that's a really, aside from everything, quite complicated for the kids to understand that it's different. And I would personally feel uncomfortable if I was in your situation. I agree with Tash, for me it's the

change of contact. And the fact that you've pulled him up on it and he said, like, it's you I want to be with, that for me doesn't actually show he's really respecting you. If I was with someone and that's how they reacted instead of saying, I'm really sorry it's making you feel that way. Actually, you're right. Like we have been speaking loads more. I'm going to strip it back. And I think it's the fact is not necessarily hearing you and validating your feelings and you're well within your rights to be feeling that way. I don't think you sound like a priority. I'm all for the kids being put first,

but the fact that you sound like you're being put after the ex. Yeah. That's not okay. I also feel like, don't get me wrong, when children are involved, exes are involved, it does complicate things more than if there weren't any. And I feel like there's a fine line between

telling them what they should and shouldn't do with their co-parent and their kids and them respecting you. So what I'm trying to explain is, I would never wanna get in the way of my boyfriend's relationship with his children and his ex, but if it's something that didn't sit well with me or I felt uncomfortable by it, and he was made aware and he didn't wanna change that,

then for me, I would feel like that is my turn to sort of like remove myself from the situation. Like I wanna be in a relationship with someone that wants to also make me feel comfortable and safe and heard, if they, if he would not be willing to make those changes with his ex partner for his current partner, then I'd feel like he's not right for me because I'd want to be in a priority. Yeah, I agree. I feel like it doesn't sound, it doesn't sound great, I've got to be honest. Something doesn't sit well with me. The fact that you feel like she may have feelings for

him, if he is not then making sure that there's such a clear boundary in place for that not to be misled, something doesn't seem right. I don't think. I agree, and I think you're holding on to the point where you meet the kids and maybe when you meet the kids, it will all change, but I don't think that is going to change anything. If he's been talking about it for months

and it hasn't happened, why? It's almost like he likes his dynamic. He's giving a bit of like eating his cake and having another cat. Yeah, I personally wouldn't be okay with that. Neither would I and I would really consider the relationship that you're in. I've got to be honest. I'm sorry if you weren't expecting that sort of advice.

That wouldn't be okay for you. I agree. Keep us updated though. I'm sure you get this so much. I'm feeling there's no time at all. It's hello. Oh hello. Hello.

I felt the need to write and tell you how much your podcast is helping me I get this so much. I'm assuming there's no time at all. It's hello. Oh, hello. Hello. Hello. I felt the need to write and tell you how much your podcast is helping me as I navigate my own marriage breakdown. There are episodes I have listened to several times and they pick me up and give me motivation or a kick up the butt to claim my happiness. I particularly identify with Tasha's story simply because there was no infidelity in our marriage. That we know that we have proof.

We have proof for me. Yeah. If anyone wants to come forward, now is your time. Speak now. Step forwards. There is no third parties involved and to top it off, my husband really doesn't want me to leave and we have three kids. I agree that whilst this may not

be harder but without a very obvious reason it's so frightening to make this decision. My husband has anger issues and a short temper and there has been occasional name calling towards me and lately towards our 15 year old son. On top of that he constantly criticises everything I do, why didn't I clean this or that and if I did I probably did it wrong. I'm lazy, I'm a spender and for years I felt that he only communicates with me when he has something negative feedback to give me. Of course he denies it like he always does. However, I have my fair share of fucking up too. I am a bit of a shopaholic, although recently I have been diagnosed with ADHD and meds seem to help me and in the past I have racked up secret debt. He is OCD and a saver so that's a bad combo to start with. But anyway he now

keeps saying that he always felt the trust was broken when I did the debt and that he can't trust me and that's why he speaks to me with such resentment etc. That if we started to properly budget then things would be different blah blah blah. Anyway, my question is actually regarding something else. Fear, panic. We have finally reached a stage where he is still very upset about the prospect of separation. He accepts it if that's what I want to do. I will be the one moving out to rent for a while, mutual agreement, better for me and we will have the kids 50-50. This should feel like a relief as we have been going round in circles for eight months now and I've been unhappy for years. I felt so empowered and confident to leave but now he has given me an acceptance to do so as I've been filled with the

overwhelming fear and panic. I try to identify what it is that I'm fearing. It's not about money, it's not about moving housing. I'm excited for a fresh start but I think it's a fear of making such a big decision and realizing that I'm making it not just for myself, but for my three beautiful children too. 80% Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In the fall of 2001,

while Americans were still grappling with the horror of September 11th, envelopes started showing up at media outlets and government buildings filled with a white lethal powder, anthrax. But what's strange is if you ask people now what happened with that story, almost no one knows. It's like the whole thing just disappeared. Who mailed those letters? Do you know? From Wolf Entertainment, USG Audio, and CBC podcasts, this is Aftermath, the hunt for the anthrax killer. Available now. to monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. At the time, my husband is a good, present, and committed dad. He always gets us to do family things together

at the weekend. He invests his time in kids and our home and family. He cleans, he takes probably 60% share of housework, although he does it with such anger, sighing, huffing, and passive aggressiveness, et cetera, that I'd honestly rather when he just lays down and watches TV and lets me get on with things my way. We tend to have fun at weekends, we tend to enjoy our evenings together because after he smokes a joint at night he

turns into a much nicer and calmer person. But in day to day life he just brings such a negative atmosphere to the house. He raises his voice, he criticises us all, his behaviour can feel threatening in an emotional way and several times he's said to me at the table around the kids, you should know when to keep your mouth shut. He once said to us, what are you laughing at you cheeky little twat, and this has broken me, I'm not going to lie. But when confronted he says I'm being unfair because these incidents happen so rarely and this isn't a daily occurrence, blah blah blah, but am I wrong in thinking his language should never be present and even once is too much?

When I listen to all these podcasts the husband is usually lazy, messy, not committed to the family, cheater, liar, spender etc. My husband is none of these things and keeps telling me that financial indiscretions have been a big impact on how he is etc. Am I crazy for wanting to leave? I just want a peaceful happy home how he is, et cetera. Am I crazy for wanting to leave? I just want a peaceful, happy home where everyone feels safe and joyful. I'm a happy, joyful, positive and happy-go-lucky girl,

but I feel so dampened, but I feel he dampened me so much over the years and brings out the worst in me. Please tell me what you think. Sorry about the big essay. Can I just say, I think you've just perfectly articulated how dangerous it is when there's not been an infidelity sorry about the big essay. Can I just say, I think you've just perfectly articulated how

dangerous it is when there's not been an infidelity or something because actually everything you've written is absolute reason to leave. It doesn't actually sound pleasant to be around. It doesn't sound like your kids are growing up in a positive, happy, happy environment. And that absolutely is. And I think maybe you just need to hear it from me and Tash to validate you and say like you have every right to leave, you don't need to wait for something awful to happen and that is such a dangerous like grey area that I think so many women in particular but probably also men sit in because nothing's bad enough that they've like had this big pinnacle moment to be like, I need to leave. But actually, to feel miserable every day, I think the big thing for me and something I really actually

relate to and I remember feeling like this for probably the majority of my marriage. I used to sit there in dread, like waiting for him to come home from work, not because anything bad was going to happen, but I just felt a complete shift in environment and energy in my house. And I think that has a really negative impact on your children as well as you. So you know what's interesting? I saw the other day, it was like different emotions

that you feel in arguments in a relationship or just generally when you're in a relationship, you're gonna go through emotions of like love, anger, resentment, hate, you know joy, like all these different things and it said that there's one emotion that is really hard to get rid of and probably one of the main causes of a divorce. Can you guess what it would be? Fear? No. Hardest emotions to get rid of. It's the hardest emotions to get rid of. Done.

Contempt. When you actually feel that sort of like, it's stronger than resentment. You can have an argument and be angry with someone. You can feel angry and hate for them. That eventually like, you get over it. The argument cools down. But when you hold contempt for someone and it like builds up, let me see what,

what the, oh, go to internet, let me see what the definition of contempt is. Contempt. A feeling of is worthless. If any of it has to be. Like when someone makes you like, so I feel like when you have contempt for an individual, I feel like it's so much stronger than resentment

because I feel like you build up this sort of feeling of like not feeling worthy or like having like, I can't explain. I just feel like that sort of emotion, I feel like it sounds like you've sort of got that. I feel like you also, and I'm not defending him because you've done things that have probably built up, I think contempt for him as well that he's not willing to let go and he's punishing you for it. Him saying things like the built up of debt and the way I can't trust you is

why I talk to you this way, but that's not okay. If you're not willing to let go of something and get over it, don't be together. And I feel like that was pretty much the breakdown of my relationship. Like there was no coming back from the feelings that I then had about my ex. And I feel like what Carly has said, and we've said it always before, it is that level of way more dangerous when there isn't that big moment of, ah, you've done this. I'm gone, or you gambled all our money, I'm gone,

or I don't love you anymore, I'm gone. It's the small behaviors that build up over a long period of time that makes you realise like, I'm not happy, I'm not loved, I don't feel safe and actually bringing your children up in that environment, I don't think is going to do them any good. I think when you're in a relationship or a marriage where you are continuously feeling dread of the person coming home because of the negative environment it's going to be. I think it's a feeling of continuous sadness or disappointment or unhappiness. That should be a big red siren in your head that actually

this isn't a good thing and actually that is a good enough reason to leave. Like we say it time and again, like you get one life and we don't actually need to, like every relationship goes through its struggles, but it sounds like you're both kind of holding on to things that have happened, you're not able to let it go and it's becoming quite toxic and that's dangerous and unhealthy and I think feel the fear and do it anyway. I genuinely think that's what you need to do in this situation. You are nearly there. Like you've got everything in place. You just do not. You know what you want to do. I think you just want a bit of reassurance that you're not making a mistake and I don't think you are. I don't think you

are. I think you'll be a lot happier. So I came across this. Someone actually sent it to me and I just thought, found it really profound and I wanna share it because I think everyone is going to really relate to it. Are you ready? We're ready. So when you heal, you understand that attention isn't love. Bare minimum isn't effort.

Healing isn't linear. Jealousy isn't affection. Control isn't caring. Disrespect isn't normal. Silence isn't peace. Toxicity isn't passion. Drama isn't exciting. Fear isn't loyalty. Gaslighting isn't acceptable. Listening isn't understanding. Dependency isn't security. And respect isn't optional. And I honestly just found that so unbelievably true. Like every single point. I remember feeling like at times, do you know what, especially silence isn't peace, like really hit me. Because I think sometimes I even felt like, not even another person, but even me staying silent

didn't mean that things were okay. It's just like I bottled things up. Or the jealousy isn't affection. I think I just just so many of these just like massively stand out. You know, we get a lot of people saying that like for toxicity isn't passion. Someone being toxic. I think a lot of thrive of that. They're like, oh, but it's like passion in a relationship. Yeah, like he cares. Like, absolutely. And especially things like with jealousy is affection. Someone being jealous doesn't mean

that they care or they're affectionate. Like- They're insecure. Yeah, really like attention isn't love. Like, wow, like these phrases speak fucking volumes. Like they, their minimum is an effort. I mean, I think we've spoken about that one enough and respect isn't optional. Like it's not fucking optional. Like if you

disrespect me, then you can go in the bin. Like, yeah, again, dependency isn't security. Like it's, yeah, I thought it was just really good. I wanted to share that. This one's called Please Read. Are we ready? Hi girls, I absolutely love your podcast. I found it was just really good. I wanted to share that this one's called. Please read. Are we ready? Hi girls? I absolutely love your podcast. I found it two weeks ago and I've been all episodes So now I'm totally caught up. That is I've been doing the last thing. Yeah I'd love to hear all the emails and your thoughts on the situation. So really hoping you can read this one out I've been with my husband for seven years two years married. I've been paranoid that he would cheat on me But more recently, it's been next level. Last year we were on a night away and

he was on his phone all night. He's a moderator on a game so it's out of the ordinary but this time I felt like he was enjoying the company of his online friends more than mine. When he fell asleep that night I went snooping through his phone and found some WhatsApp messages to a girl from work. Oh, for fuck's sake. Another one. Which he talked his way out of being not meant in that way that it reads, which I would understand

at the time, but then he made me feel completely awful for a whole month saying that I'd broken his trust. Gaslighting 101. 101. We did the work together and rebuilt the trust and we were doing great. A few months had passed and it was back to the way it was, constantly on his phone and paying me little to no attention. I struggled greatly with my own self-confidence and relying on words of affirmation and affection

from him to make me feel better and I'm trying not to rely on him so much for that anymore. But it is hard for me as my relationship before this one made me feel like I was the only girl in the world but I fucked up by cheating on him and I think that's why I'm constantly thinking that that will now happen to me. Karma and all that. Anyway, back to the point. We were 10 days away from signing contracts and buying our first home. He'd just spent £600 on a brand new laptop, completely out of the blue. When he went out to walk the dog, his laptop was pinging notifications so often that I thought an alarm was going off. I checked and noticed there were messages on his online

gamer chat account which were months of messages and half naked pictures from this girl and him flushing her with compliments. I think that's what hurt the most as he never compliments me, hence my low self-worth. These were even being sent on Christmas Eve while he was in the bath. I then rang my husband and told him to come home because I knew what he was doing. I threw all of his... Did men have baths? My ex. I thought a man just laying in the bath with everything flapping out.

Like regulate, like fair enough, like you do it together. I threw all of his clothes into a suitcase and waited for him to come home. When he did, I couldn't even look at him. I felt like such a muppet. Feeling so small and inadequate and questioning the past year

and all the big life decisions we had decided to make together. I walked out mid-conversation and took my daughter to my friend's house, had a big cry and got extremely drunk. The next morning I was up at the crack of dawn, he wanted to see me to speak and all he had to say was that the messages weren't meant in that way. What? So what, were the naked messages not meant to be naked? Like, what? Now, this time couldn't be an excuse because what other way was it? Is it bad that I really want to grab that arse, be taken in response to her slussy photos? We spoke at length. He said he's never ever met this girl.

He's not actually ever cheated on me and he won't do it again. I forgive him, but I can't move past it. I don't trust any time he picks up his phone. He takes it to the toilet with him and takes it in the bath for an hour, three times a week. Am I being paranoid? Am I an idiot for forgiving him? How do I move past this?

I wanna forgive him because I do love him, but this paranoia is eating me up inside. He tells me that I can look at his phone anytime I want, but I don't want to do that, probably for fear of hurting me and me hurting myself by finding it all over again. Unfortunately, and I think you're probably aware that we're going to say this sort of thing, when the trust is broken and you take someone back

after catching them doing something, that, by the way, he didn't take accountability for me and has tried to deny. You're not going to trust him. That paranoia that you've got that is eating up, eating you up, isn't going to go. It takes a certain person to be able to forgive something like that and truly forgive and move on. And a lot of us aren't built that way. I know I for one would never be able to do that. I'd have that resentment. I think relationships become incredibly toxic when you hold onto resentment unless you feel like you can truly let it go, which let me tell you now, your body is telling

you you can't. That anxiety, that feeling in your stomach. Yeah, you're gonna live that's not gonna go away That's gonna be something you live with and let me tell you living in anxiety in a state of fight or flight It's not healthy for you or as well You've got a child like to constantly be feeling anxiety over someone who's meant to bring you peace and calmness and safety Is not okay and you actually do deserve better and I know you're sat there saying but I love him like I want to forgive him but he doesn't love you not in the same way because if he did no one who loved you would do something that could remotely hurt you they would always consider how their actions would make you

feel and he is not remotely once considered how any of that would make you feel because he didn't think he'd get caught and because he gaslighted you the last time when you looked down his phone. Like someone like that doesn't change. He's not giving you the respect, which we literally just spoke about as a non-negotiable. He's not giving you the respect. He's making you feel unsafe. Listen to your body. Your body's telling you you feel unsafe. And I think me and Tasha are on the same page when we say like, no, you deserve better and you can find better. Yeah, I also just feel like someone that loves you wouldn't risk doing something to lose you.

Speaking from someone that stays in a marriage for years of honestly, like the anxiety, it just consumes me, it honestly did. And I don't think I realized how bad it was. You don't ever realize how bad it is when you're in it. And it's not until you look back and I think like, I'm so grateful that I left that relationship because there is nothing nicer than,

obviously I'd rather be on my own than in that relationship. But now being in a relationship where, hand on heart, I've never felt so safe and heard and secure and it is possible to be with someone that is able to offer that to you. And I know you're probably sitting there thinking like, oh, like karma, like I cheated, so maybe this is my karma. Like, that doesn't mean that you've got to accept bad behaviour. Like, you've taken ownership for what you've done.

I'm hoping that you've taken accountability for it. You won't do it again. But I also just feel like it's just not a way to live. It's not a relationship that... We just shouldn't be in relationships like this. And I know I feel it's hypocritical sometimes when I say things like, don't waste your life. Like you deserve more because I stayed for way longer than I should have. But, hand on heart, like it's the best thing I ever did leaving my marriage and

how you're feeling isn't a feeling that you should ever want to stay in. Confession of the week. Slash dilemma slash funny story. When my partner and I first started dating I snooped in his bedside cabinet and I've seen a douche in there. What's that? It's like um, isn't it what you- For a woman? Isn't it what you clean your arse hole out with?

I don't know. Wait. A douche, I'm pretty sure. A douchebag. Douchebag. Yeah, when you say douchebag, it's quite insulting. Douchebag. It refers to the cleansing of a body part or cavity, the anus,

using a jet of liquid or often water for medical or hygienic. Yeah, it's what like gaming use it to clear out their bums before they have bum sex. Ugh. It's like a pump and I think they pump water in it to like give it a good clean so that there's no remnants of feces. Anyway, she found a douche in the guy she just started seeing. That's

wild. Fast forward almost two years and I've been talking a lot about coffee anemones recently. Anemones. Anemones, what's that? Anemones, like a depository. Oh. Anyway, I came home today and he handed me it and said I ordered you this for your enema. I know this isn't the case as I've seen it two years ago. Also, I'm pretty certain this was most likely up his ex-girlfriend's arsehole. Ahhh, you can't pass something like that on to someone.

How do I get around this without saying I was snooping? P.S. I actually wasn't even serious about the enema. Can you explain what's the enema? I think enema's like a, um... My search history's quite old. It's a medical procedure involving the injection of fluid into the rectum to stimulate bowel evacuation. That's a very polite way of putting it.

Constipation relief. Okay. Oh my God, and he gave her something that has been up someone else's. That's disgusting. I would just be like, babe, do not give me something that has been up someone else's arsehole. Sort yourself out. Affirmation. It's okay to want to feel completely content in a relationship. You don't have to wait for something really bad to happen to feel that it's valid to leave. If you're not happy and they aren't treating you well,

leave them. Been them. We love you. Please go and review us. Please go and just love us in every way possible. Leave a review on Apple, please. Go and subscribe on YouTube, even if you don't watch it on there, it always helps us.

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coming up in less than two months that will be released very soon. Go to Patreon. Love you. Love you. Miss you. Bye. Acast powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. In the fall of 2001, while Americans were still grappling with the horror of September 11th, envelopes started showing up at media outlets and government buildings filled with a white lethal powder, anthrax. But what's strange is if you ask people now what happened with that story, almost no one knows. It's like the whole thing just disappeared. Who mailed those letters? Do you know? From Wolf Entertainment, USG Audio, and CBC podcasts, this is Aftermath, the hunt for the anthrax killer. Available now.

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