Not As We Planned - 90. You Hooked Up With a Murderer
Episode Date: May 22, 2025It’s time for an overdue dating episode and you’ve delivered the goods!!The 15 minute date with a drunk, when your situationship prioritises spiders over you, having sex in his single bed and we s...hare some weird prompts on the dating appsLink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan so get ready for honest, raw,
unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all
the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified
professionals although I feel the high am one and what we say is the advice we and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals,
although I feel that I am one.
And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties.
Hello guys, welcome back to Not As We Plan.
We hope you're doing well.
Firstly, can we just do like an ode to the amazing humans
who have taken time to go onto Apple
and give us absolutely stunning reviews.
I was reading them and I was just like, it's just obviously, obviously it's nice to read
like good stuff about yourself.
I don't know.
It just, yeah, we really appreciate all the reviews and please keep them coming because
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We're going gonna reach more
and also no joke and also can you imagine this was the whole episode it's gonna it's gonna be
called and also um yeah if you haven't signed up to patreon i want to just let you know it's not
just an extra episode obviously that extra episode is really nice, it's not just an extra episode.
Obviously that extra episode is really nice.
And it's also really juicy normally.
Yeah, but we also do monthly Zooms.
We've actually got one tonight, which I'm looking forward to.
It feels like it's been a while.
I feel like it got delayed because of family bereavement,
but it's just so nice.
It's like just having a group chat,
like girly chat, slugging our exes off,
or talking about funny dating disasters,
or just having a bit of a bloody moment.
It's a bit more raw because it is closer.
Also really personal, isn't it?
And it's such a safe space.
It's not recorded, you're either on or you're not.
Yeah, and because it's obviously only Patreon members
that get access to the Zoom and the password,
we can see everyone that's on it.
It's a safe space.
So yeah, if you, I know some people are a bit like,
oh, I've got to really be careful of my outgoings
and things like that.
I think if you really utilize Patreon as therapy,
that extra episode, the group chats are deep,
people ask you so much advice, being able to connect with people that actually get what
you're going through and that Zoom on top of that, when you really think about that
for one pound a week, it's a no-brainer because therapy is normally at least 50 pound a week.
So yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, catch up.
How's your week been?
I feel like.
Carly's weeks are just getting wilder and wilder.
How's my week been?
Well, I'll share some stuff on Patreon, some on here.
And yeah, wild week for me, to be honest.
I had a kid-free weekend.
So to get you up to speed, I was meant to have a date on Monday, got ghosted on Thursday. That didn't happen.
It's all a learning experience.
You know what? It actually threw me for a little bit. And I was like, why is this impacting
me? Because I know my self-worth. It wasn't that.
You are human at the same time. I said that to you, remember?
I don't even like you enough for you to get a kick out of ghosting me because I could
have ghosted you like it's like that.
But remember you were a bit down and I was like, stop being so hard on yourself regardless
of how much work someone has done on themselves. We are still human, we still have feelings
and even if someone that you don't care about does something that's a bit disrespectful,
it's going to have some sort of effect.
I knew it was coming. And yeah, anyway, so that didn't happen.
Went out-
If you're listening.
Went out on Saturday. That was a hilarious day, a hilarious, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant
night, day, whatever it was. And then the
next morning, so I think that day I'd matched with someone on Bumble. So I've downloaded
it. Oh yeah, you said. Is she finding it better? Okay. I guess it just depends where you are
on luck of the drawers, who's on what app, but definitely more my type. Yeah, I'm just,
I'm personally just finding it better. And it's different. So it's not like when I did it two years ago,
it's not the girl that has to start the conversation.
Really?
No.
So now you put like, when you're doing your profile,
you put like a prompt question that they have to answer
once they've matched with you,
or you can match with their one.
So you can choose whether you wanna start the conversation
or their.
But what happens if you want them to start the conversation and their profile is that they
want you to? Does that mean you want that?
No, you can both, either of you can start the conversation.
Oh, okay. That's interesting. I think that's good.
And then you've got like a timer running down of when you've matched, when they go.
I've seen that. I've heard that for hours.
Is there someone I really like and they've not done anything? I'm like, fuck it. Anyway,
match with someone.
I think that's good for everyone tonight because I think that most people assume that B, I'm like, fuck it. Anyway, Max was like- Yeah, it's good for everyone to know
because I think that most people-
Well, that's why I didn't want to do it, yeah.
Bumble is like girls' stuff.
So I have to change, but also the problem is,
I think where some people have been in it previous years,
one of the guys I spoke to was like,
no, the girls' stuff's come a session.
I'm like, no, they've changed it because I've had it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I didn't know that, so it's transition period.
But yeah, Max with someone on Saturday.
We were talking.
Sunday morning, he messages me saying,
do you want to go for a walk at like 11 o'clock?
And it was 10 o'clock when he messaged.
I was like, can we call it 11.15?
It was really local.
Went for a walk, had a coffee.
I won't lie.
It was a really, really good day.
Very physically attracted to him.
We got on really well.
It was really easy.
It was one of those walks where he kept being like,
should we go down here now?
Cause like, he didn't want the conversation to end.
Anyway, then he was like,
I'm just coming out there, what are you doing tonight?
Because he knows like I have very limited time.
And I was like, I'm actually not doing anything.
I was just gonna chill.
And he was like, okay, well, if you fancy it,
do you fancy meeting up again later? So I was like, sure'm actually not doing anything, I was just going to chill. And he was like, okay, well, if you fancy it, do you fancy meeting up again later?
So I said, sure, give me a text later.
He texts me and he's like, fancy coming to my end to chill and we can get some food.
And I just thought, no, I don't hun.
So I was like, so I just messaged back saying, I don't really feel comfortable coming to
your house, but if you want to go out, just let me know.
I thought, tuck it. Anyway, then he messaged me back saying, I don't really feel comfortable coming to your house, but if you want to go out, just let me know. I thought, tuck it.
Anyway, then he messaged me back saying, I've booked this restaurant for this time,
do you fancy going for a drink before?
So I thought, Joe, well, if it's there, let's do it.
And what have I got to lose at this point?
When it was really nice, we had a nice time.
I just felt like the vibe was a little bit different.
I don't know if it's because we'd seen each other too much at a time or whether maybe
he was after one thing and he didn't get it and just felt like this. Who knows? Nice guy, like don't have
a bad word to say, but he did say to me like, he's not a tech star, like he's really bad
at doing that. And I didn't hear from him the next day. I'm not gonna lie, I did think
I got ghosted, I thought I'm not messaging you. But he messaged me yesterday or the day
before and it was such a... Did I send you?
No, you didn't send it to me. You just said it was such a... Did I send you?
No, you didn't send it to me. You just said it was very like... It didn't warrant a reply.
No, so I just haven't replied. But I'm not ghosting him. I just... I don't know, if someone
wants to see me, they want to see me and I want that energy and effort from someone.
Also, like I said to you, you know how you said that he's not really a text star and
I've read a text star.
Exactly. And so do I and I
feel like that is almost like finding someone that's on the same level as you.
Do you know what if he is into me and it's just his way of being it's just not for me
because I need more than that. Absolutely.
That's okay. I'm a needy little human at the end of the day and I'm okay with that and
it's recognizing what I need from someone and that wouldn't meet my needs.
And I don't think it's a bad thing if you need to have someone I'm notising what I need from someone and that wouldn't meet my needs. And I don't think it's a bad thing
if you need to have someone,
I'm not saying that I need constant chat, chat, chat,
chat, chat, like people have a job,
people have things to do, but I also, for me,
I find, especially in this day and age
where your phone is the way that you communicate,
WhatsApp, whatever, like it's part of communication.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you know what?
I think this whole like, dating thing
is really helping me figure these things out.
Like, obviously I have a list,
a very profound list of what I'm looking for in someone,
but it's actually going on these dates
and experiencing things that are making me feel like,
oh, okay, I like this, this doesn't work, whatever it is.
So it's just, I'll be honest, it's been really interesting.
I have to be honest, dating in your 30s is so hard. It's so hard, right?
Especially with the age range of men I've gone for. So you've got the lower end.
The thing is, these people people and they could be within like
the 30s to the 40s or even early 40s mark, but
they can either be so incredibly mature and have incredible deep conversations or
It's literally like I can't even explain some of the conversations
I'm having but is literally like talking to a boy child and like I'm just finding the sparse variety of conversations I could be having with one 40 year old to
another 40 year old. Mind blowing being crazy. Like we literally don't know what you're going
to get, but I will say from what I've experienced the last few weeks is I'm weirdly for the
first time in my life
more drawn to older men.
All of the people I'm with.
That's funny because that's how I felt this time around.
And I'm kind of considering changing my lower end age like up from 34.
I'm just finding all the 30, anyone under 35 at the moment, it's really bad but I feel
like it's giving me a bit icky. Like
I'm not looking for like someone to mother. I'm not looking for someone to mother. I'm
not looking for someone to just have like sexy flirty stuff with. I'm looking for that
deep connection and I just don't feel like they can bring it.
One of my life goals when I was younger was to always be a MILF and I think I've reached
it right? Saturday we're out and this group of guys sent over
tequilas to us at the table whilst we're eating our lunch.
We're like, oh.
Obviously you feel like you have to talk to them,
so they come over to talk to us.
The girls I'm with are a bit younger than me, 29 and 32,
so they talk to them and they're like, how old are you?
And I was like, yes, like 30.
And I was like, no, I'm probably old enough
to be a mother.
I'm a three year old mother. So I was like, and he was like, how old are you? I was like, no, I'm probably old enough to be a mother. And he was like, how old are you?
I was like, 37.
And he was like, oh my God, you're a milf.
And then like that whole night, not even joking, I just attract really young guys.
And they really like the fact that you're a bit older and she's 37.
She's got two kids.
And then they were like, this had you in it.
It's crap. And I was like, yeah, no, in my head I'm thinking you're a boy child right
now. But I feel like I'm in my MILF era and I'm here for it. And anyway, yeah, I do have
a date tomorrow. So that'll be next week's update. And this one I'm quite excited about,
but I'm not getting excited because people can go. So we just roll with it. Anyway, how's your week?
How was my week? Yeah, it was really, really nice. We obviously had the bank holiday weekend.
So we went to Legoland, like the eight of us. It was postponed and then we went, but
it was like, it was, Rome was maybe not gonna make it,
because do you remember where we filmed last week?
I got a call from school that he had like a bad tummy.
He then had like really high temperature, no appetite.
He was quite happy, but like his temperature was really high.
Had the weather not dropped on the day that we went,
and it was like really hit and miss. Like
in that, that morning, his temperature wasn't as high. So I thought, you know what, I'm
taking the buggy with, I'll give him some cowpile. And then literally as we got there,
he was just happy as Larry in the temperature. That morning he had a bit of a temperature
and then it's gone ever since. So I'm so happy that I, because I felt really like torn
at whether to take him or not. My mum offered to have him but he was obviously right at the end of
it. He had a little nap while we were at Legoland and then literally just full of energy. But
do you know what, it is just so nice seeing how well the kids gel together. They're so lovely
together. The dynamic is so lovely. Although it's really
different ages. How old is she younger? So she's six, but she's the same year as Blake
and Ivy. So she's going to be seven this month, albeit taller than both Blake and Ivy, obviously.
Although Blake's actually really tall, but she's just really, really tall. But I think
that because his 11 year old daughter obviously has a younger sister, she's just really, really tall. But I think that because like his 11 year old daughter obviously has like a younger sister, she's used to being with like a Blake and Ivy. And
so they like get on really, really well. But then the 11 year old is also really like nurturing
and motherly to Rome. But then so is his 14 year old son. And then I think Ivy loves the
heart kind of like older brother. It's just so nice to see. So yeah, that was really, really nice.
I have still, I don't even remember if I spoke about it
last week, just since coming off the pill,
I just can't quite grasp my emotions.
I've just been feeling very low,
almost like I'm vibrating on a bit of a flat level
at the moment.
I know.
And I mean, I'm putting it down
to coming off the pill, but I do think that's the case
because this isn't something that tends to happen to me
where I'm sort of just like plotting very flat
for days on end.
But then what didn't help, which I will probably
have to really bite my tongue
and maybe have a bit of a rant on Patreon, but their dad is pissing me off.
Like honestly, I know I've always sort of been seen to have a really healthy co-parenting
relationship because to be honest, we do, did, whatever you want to call it, but there
are just certain things that always end up
causing a problem, which it has again, although actually, it's not something I would wish
to say around here. Do you remember when I spoke about that one day where he picked up
the kids, he sort of like came into my house and I started like helping himself to my food,
you know, sat on the other end, you were like, you need to set some boundaries. I ended up
having a conversation with him about boundaries
because it's just getting, he's too familiar.
Way too familiar.
So I had a situation where he now knocks,
like back in the day, like he's just, yeah, walk in.
Which his mom actually did the other way.
His mom came to pick up, yeah,
his mom came to pick up the kids.
Because you know how you can open my door from the outside
if I don't lock it, which I always forget to do. No one come and
rob me.
They're hypnotised.
She came to pick up the kids, she walked straight in.
That's right.
It's like, hon, who the fuck are you? You don't even fucking talk to me. Would I do
that into your house? Absolutely fucking not. So anyway, the other day, I'm upstairs sorting
myself out because on a Wednesday night when he comes the other day, I'm upstairs sorting myself out
because on a Wednesday night when he comes and collects him,
I'm usually like doing something.
So I'm doing my hair, whatever.
And then he knocks and obviously the kids let him in.
The next thing I know about five minutes later,
I walk out of my dressing room and he's in the kid's room,
like grabbing some stuff of theirs.
I could have been fucking naked.
Like, like what?
So I ended up having a conversation
with him on the phone and sort of just saying, I feel like you were a bit too familiar. Like,
it makes me uncomfortable. He was understanding, he listened, but then it got a bit awkward
when I was like, and you sort of like touch me a bit too much. He was like, well, I was
like, yeah, like you touch me. I was like, you did it the other day,
sort of grabbed me and gave me a hug and stuff
and it makes me uncomfortable.
And I was sort of like, you know,
I've got a partner, you've got a partner.
Like, can we respect that?
And sort of like, I think he was like,
almost making it, he doesn't.
It's like, trust me, I'm not gonna say it
if you don't do it.
But now we are not good, but I will leave the rest to have a little round
on a episode that he can't listen to unless he pays. Thanks Begs for your money. Thanks
hon. Yeah, let's crack on with some emails. Oh, let's, we're going to start with apologies,
massive, massive apologies. A lot of you noticed it, which I'm not surprised.
We started an email about a Tinder disaster and then we got sidetracked, spoke about
ourselves and went on to the next email. Not Oasis.
First for everything, but we are now officially going to read your email.
Here we go. Okay. Brief messaging, shall I read it from the beginning? Yeah.
Brief messaging with a man on Tinder. Let's not say anything until the end of the year.
And also, he was good looking in his pictures and had a bit of banter in the messages. He was from the same area as me, talking about schools.
And he said he went to the local and very expensive private school. He asked if I wanted to come and meet him for a drink and I thought forward, but
why not? I hate endless messaging. You easily build up and imagine someone before you get
to meet them and get disappointed. But this is where we got to. So I went, disregarded
the little red flag that he was at a pub by himself.
Turned up, got myself a drink and went to find him. He hadn't messaged to ask what I wanted to drink
or where he was sat.
We actually read this.
I have read this.
Oh, I haven't.
I haven't heard this.
Anyway, how cringe is that to have to start looking
to find the person?
They haven't even let you know where they are.
Bare minimum guys.
He looks scruffy as fuck wearing a hat indoors and joggers.
Ick, yeah.
Instantly thought, no, not for me.
Call me shallow, I'm fine with that.
No, do you know what?
And this is what I'm learning is,
it's okay to have those feelings.
Like, is discovering what it is that you like and what,
if it's giving you the ick, that's a sign it's just not for you, babe. But not good looking,
like his pictures. Sat down, he kept trying to touch me, very obviously drunk, bragging about
his six bedroom house here and other house in Fulham, his golden diamond Rolex and his business.
Oh, see, you know what? But do you know, a lot of rich people do look like, do you know
what I mean?
Yeah, that gives me the ick. Do you know what, if you're wealthy, fine, great for you.
Don't be flash.
Don't be flash about it, be cool.
Yeah, yeah, flashy men is not for me.
Yeah, that gives me the ick. He asked what I was doing after my drink and I said I'd probably go home.
He said, cool, I'll come with you.
We'll use forward.
I said, I don't think you will.
Then he started getting defensive about how I was making out he was being presumptuous.
I said, you're drunk and this isn't attractive.
He denied being drunk.
I said, all right then.
I said, I'm not feeling this at all.
He said, we're not compatible. I said, no, I'm gonna go.
I left my half drunk drink and blocked him as soon as I got in the car.
So, a grand total of a 15 minute date.
Wow! Worst bit, I got home and he had sent me a message request on Instagram.
Babe, anal 100, yeah?
Fuck off! Said what a disgusting, entitled, sweaty, gross pleb. Boy, bye.
That is, obviously he was joking. I mean, besides the point. Okay, funny dating story
or not funny, depending on how you look at it. Get the dating stories in please, guys.
We want to hear them.
Hi ladies, I've recently found your podcast
and it has helped me so, so much.
After my husband announced he didn't love me anymore
and hadn't for years at the end of December
and walked out on me and my two young girls.
Bye, Tan.
Yeah, bye.
I'm only on episode 37,
so I have a lot of catching up to do,
but I want you to know how much good you're both doing
and just to say thank you.
You're welcome.
I saw Carly on,
asked on Instagram for funny dating stories.
This isn't technically a date
and it might not be funny depending on how dark
your sense of humor is.
I feel like we can do that, you know?
I can do that.
Years ago, I was on a night out with friends.
We were joined by some friends of friends
that I didn't know.
I was pretty drunk and as the night was coming to an end,
we were waiting for a taxi. I had a drunken snog with one of my friends of a friend that I didn't know. I was pretty drunk and as the night was coming to an end we were waiting for a taxi. I had a drunken snog with one of my friends of a friend that
I didn't know. It meant nothing and I had no intention of ever hearing from him again.
But I get a phone call from my friend a month or so later to tell me that the boy that I Arrested on suspicion of murdering his own mum.
That is a bad boy.
Horrifying and not funny at all when you really think about it, but not exactly what you expect to hear about a guy that you've been locking lips with a few weeks earlier.
Turns out he was guilty.
Oh my God.
And a few years later,
the story was featured in the Netflix documentary episode
and everything not including his drunk and conquest.
And that's amazing.
Hope you can't.
Hope in my post divorce dating stories will be much tamer. Ha ha,'t. Hope you can't. Hope you can't. Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't.
Hope you can't. Hope you can't. Hope you can't. Hope you can't. Hope you can't. I hooked up with a murderer. Oh my god that's so funny.
Hi ladies, your podcast has been a lifeline over the last 18 months and I'm a faithful
Patreon member too. You've got it.
Hi girl.
I'm rocking it.
Thank you. You are some funny dating stories so I thought I'd give you my experience of
dating so far. It's not always been funny. I don't know. But there are lighter moments.
Apologies in advance for the length of my email. Let me rewind and give you a brief overview of how I got here.
My husband and I split in October 2023. I feel like 2023 was quite a significant year for a lot
of us guys. After three years of me being the 99% parent to our beautiful daughter,
I needed more from him as I was working three days a week as a teacher plus tutoring on the side. And he struggled to meet even our most basic needs. Always
stating that he needed to decompress after hardly working and that staying up until midnight
playing Call of Duty was always more important. There's a lot more to it but he doesn't deserve
any more airtime. Co-parenting relationship is pretty good though, so that's a positive.
In April 2024, after saying that I never wanted a man to touch me ever again,
I decided that actually was quite a foolish decision, so I dipped my toe into the land of bumble.
After a few days of swiping to my
heart's content I match with Mark. I've changed all the names by the way. He was a similar
age to me, no kids, decent job, had his own place, seemed to tick a few boxes. Didn't
drive though.
So yeah, that would be a no from me.
Which now gives me the complete hick. Weird thing was he lived literally a two-minute walk from my house. We went on a date.
See, yeah you can see how you could like.
Maybe I then, if he closed the boxes, seen like a really good guy, like you can get your driving license.
You can see how you can like scoot around things like that.
Yeah, however I feel like it definitely takes a type of person to not want that independence.
I just find it weird that you wouldn't turn 17 and like try and get your driving license.
Anyway, that's just me.
We went on a date walking around our local nature reserve and the conversation flowed nicely.
He's very complimentary about me, which was welcomed as words of affirmation is my love
language and I had not been told I was beautiful in years. We had a couple more dates and one evening I went to his for
dinner. Dinner was fine. Then we moved to the bedroom where he had a single bed. Not
one bed. Literally a single bed that you have as a child? Did it have Marvel covers as well? Was it a cot
bag? Did it have sides on it in case you fell out? I asked whether he was ever intending
to maybe stretch to a double and he said, I don't move in my sleep. So it's not as
if I need to smile. scream 60 minutes. All right, let's welcome Alana, Chase, Sarah, Dan to Left on Red.
Stop it!
You have a lot of sad times and you're still late for them.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Yeah, take care.
Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere.
Acast.com.
Sorry, what? I should have got out there immediately, but I decided to roll with it. Don't roll on the bed, because you're full of...
That was a mistake. Anyway, we were getting down to it. My clothes were off and he had
been very generous, shall we say. And then his clothes came off. And I'm not kidding, his penis was
the size of my little finger. And it was hard. And I thought, Jesus Christ, what the fuck
am I supposed to do with that? Turned out I didn't need to do anything as he climbed
on top of me. And as he was holding himself there, his left arm started shaking like he was going to collapse. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HALA A still to give you the ick, because I know what is.
I offered to go on top.
I felt obliged at this point and he declined, saying that he was too embarrassed and that
we should try again another night.
Safe to say I ended it and never saw him again.
Three months later, I started dating Kevin.
Lovely guy.
But I knew it wasn't going to go anyway, so it didn't match my intelligence level.
Don't hate me for being judgmental.
I love this, like, you know it, you know it.
At the end of the day, you've got to find someone that's on your level.
Yeah.
I did decide that he would be a great first sex after marriage guy, so I went back to
his one night.
He lived in a shared house.
I thought he was going to say a shed. He lived in a shared house. I thought you were going to say a shed.
He lived in a shed.
And had one room with a small double bed. Upgraded from the single.
Yeah, we're going off in a while.
And then I noticed what was next to the bed about two feet away. Blast cases full of tarantulas.
That's weird.
I literally backed away to the door slightly hyperventilating and he said, oh, didn't I
mention I have 12 tarantulas?
Oh my god.
What is this?
Hairy little legs.
No you fucking did it.
My sister would have a fucking mental breakdown.
She's got a favor of spiders.
I'll attach a photo to the email so you can see what I was dealing with.
Oh my god!
Fucking hell, you're 12 of them!
They are like the size of my face.
Oh.
What is that, a whip?
That's weird.
That is...
...wrang.
That's horrifying.
That's enough to...
...close your vagina up for good. I'll tell you that.
Fucking hell.
Anywho.
Freak.
This is fantastic.
She's given us a whole ton of stories here.
Well, at this point, I just wanted to get laid, so I went through with it.
It was great.
No regrets.
But I ended our fling after about a month after he said the spiders came for a shower.
Really?
Sorry Stephen, the spider.
He's my priority here. Him and his eight legs. Oh, mucking.
I am dead.
It was all quiet on the... Can I say, these are the emails we want, guys. This is giving me life.
It was all quiet on the dating front till January, 2025.
When I decided I'd had enough for talking to imbeciles online.
I thought speed dates would be a fun thing to try.
I was booked in nervous as fuck,
turned out for the 7.30 start time to 12 guys and me.
Literally no other female had turned up. Wow. It's like a... It's buzzing for you.
Yeah, it's like a gangbang. Yeah. Although eight had apparently booked, it was like the
start of a horrific porno. The host lady was so apologetic to all of us and said she understood
if none of us wanted to stay and that we would have a free ticket to the next event regardless
if we stayed or left. I thought, why not not let's just stay and practice my flirty chat. Seven of the
guys left. Seven. How insulting. I went through the remaining five dates spending four minutes
of each. Mr. Sleazy Salesman who does salsa. Mr. Oddwork for a wealthy family maintaining
their polo grounds. Shame didn't own the polo grounds though, isn't it? Number three, Mr. Mauritius, but wasn't planning
to stay in the country. Number four, Mr. Italian wine connoisseur complete with a silk scarf
and ponytail. Five, Mr. What are your deal breakers? As soon as he sat down, I was a
bit taken aback and said, I'm not sure, tell me about yourself. And he said, don't have
kids, don't want kids. And I shouted, that is the deal breaker. All in all, not a super positive experience. In February of this year, I started
chatting to Daniel. He was incredibly flirty in his messages, had a great job, had a son,
son a similar age and was quite local to me. Ticked a lot of boxes. Somehow we got onto
the topic of the fact that I enjoy reading spicy books. When he replied, I write erotica
as a hobby. Stop it. Well, of course I asked him to share some and it did not disappoint.
My friend would love this by the way. This continued each night with him making it his
mission to get me into orgasms through his stories, which he succeeded at for about a week and a half straight.
Fucking hell.
Then we booked the date in finally and I was super excited.
The day the date came and I sent a message to confirm where and when we were meeting.
When I was met with a dreaded one grey tick on WhatsApp.
His photo had vanished and none of my messages were being delivered.
The prick had blocked me.
I was so shocked and devastated that someone could be so cruel.
Just use your fucking words.
He's obviously like disgusting in real life.
Like he's obviously only good at writing sexy shit.
Yeah, or he was not single.
Anyway, most recently I met Michael.
He was genuinely the nicest guy and after our first date he wanted to meet again a couple of days later, which we did, and we had our first kiss, which
was incredible. Honestly, I've never met such a good kisser. He was so complimentary about
me and the way he was talking about me made me think that this was going to actually go
somewhere. He was going to Rio the following week and wanted to see me before he went.
This wasn't going to be possible as he had his daughter and I had mine so evenings were out and I was working in the day. He asked if I had a lunch break.
No, yes I do, but I'm a teacher so it's just not as if I can return late from lunch. He said,
can I bring you a coffee? I said that I would only be able to see him for about 30 minutes,
but he still wanted to see me. Honestly, at this point, with the effort he was putting in,
I was cautiously optimistic.
He did bring me a coffee and we parked up near my school and chatted until it was time
to drop me back. He went to Rio, rang off FaceTime me every day, kept saying how he
couldn't wait to see me when he got back and I was loving it. When he came back we
saw each other a few times, the sex was just incredible as were the kisses, and then it
became more difficult as he is his daughter 50 50.
He invited me around one evening when he had his daughter. We'd been dating about three weeks and
I was really concerned. He said it was fine and that he was planning to be with me forever anyway
so why wait to introduce me. My alarm bells were starting to ring but I decided to go around.
His daughter is five, same age as my daughter, and instantly I was able to get
her onside and he looked like he had won the jackpot. I seriously thought this is it. No way would he introduce me to his daughter if he didn't want this to work. Two weeks later,
I had hardly seen him and he kept putting off meeting up. One evening, he said we would meet.
I texted to confirm plans. He said he was at his dad's as he had a water leak, so he was
sorting that, having some dinner, and then would let me know when he was at his dad's as he had a water leak, so he was sorting
that, having some dinner, and then would let me know when he was home. Messaged again at
9pm to say, guess you're still working on the leak, let's do another night. And he didn't
message back until 10pm, asking to call me. I said that was fine, as I was still up. He
wanted to have a quick shower, so again I said fine, and he didn't call till 10.55. Fucking long shower.
He was totally normal on the phone and after another couple of days of him saying he was
super busy I lost the plot and asked him what the fuck was going on. He said he felt the
same as before, life had just been manic and we were to see each other at the weekend.
The next day I had a text from him saying, I have to be honest, an ex of mine has been
in touch and I don't know what to do about it. I need a few days to think about it. Sorry to be
a pain. I messaged him to say how disappointed I was that he had lied to me and that I couldn't
be waiting around to find out if I was his first choice if he didn't know that immediately.
I love you. And here we are, back on the dating app, it's slightly wiser and more unforgiving.
This year I'm focusing on buying a house for me and my daughter after 18 months of financial nightmares and living with my
amazing parents. I agree with Carly, maybe the dating apps aren't the way to go but
my hobbies aren't exactly masculine so I'm unlikely to meet anyone that way. It hasn't
been easy but I know what is meant for me won't pass me by so I'll keep being patient
and manifest that my dream man is just waiting for me to bump into him in Starbucks
Keep up the good work girls. Lots of love. Do you know what I think that
When it comes to dating I've always said it
Every single situation is a lesson and as long as you take from it
What is going to work for you for the next relationship?
Situationship, whatever you want to call it
Then it's worth it.
And I just feel like listening to all those different dates
and everything, I think you can really take on board
like what you're willing to accept, what you're not.
I'm really glad that you like,
you've got the right attitude.
Like when you see that something isn't working
in your favor or they're not treating you right,
you've sort of like put your foot down and walked away.
I think it is really noticing those red flags at the beginning
and not ignoring them, like him letting you meet his daughter after three weeks. Like,
that is weird. That shows that he's not maybe like thinking about his daughter prioritising
her feelings and stuff like that I don't think is right. And yeah, I think that don't be put off by the dating apps
because you haven't yet found someone on the dating apps.
Like be open-minded because you can always still
meet someone off of them,
but you can't meet someone on them if you're not on them.
For anyone who is dating,
one massive lesson I have learned this time round and I know I have been guilty
of doing probably the opposite. When you go on a date with someone, rather than coming
away from that date and thinking, oh, do they like me? Did I mess up? I want you to ask
yourself, do I like them? How do I feel about them? And that's what I've really been doing
when I've been going on these dates is rather than being like, Oh, did I say too much?
Looking for validation from them.
From them. Because I think that the previous time that is what I was after. And it was
like, I wasn't even asking myself how I felt about them. And where was this time around?
I'm like, how did they make me feel? And that is such a game changer. And I think as well, I've really
seen where I've done the work this time because I know my self-worth. And for me, it's like,
I feel unbothered if someone doesn't want to see me again, because I'm very trusting
that what's meant for me won't pass me by. And I'm very sure about the energy I need
someone to bring. And if they're not matching that or bringing it, that's okay. It's just, it's an experience and I'm not going through any of these,
not that I've had a bad day, but we could say they're unsuccessful because they've not gone
anywhere, but they're not because they're all teaching me things that I know I need to learn
in order for me to actually know exactly what it is I'm looking for. Just the view each day
that doesn't end up going anywhere
as stepping stones to the right person.
And like Carly said, when that right person comes along,
you won't get those like niggling,
like red flag feelings and stuff like, don't ignore them
because ignoring the red flags
and continuing with someone that's not right for you
is just delaying getting to the right person.
Yeah.
This just stood out as we've been sort of talking
just all about dating and someone's
subject is Bumble profile and she's given a screenshot and the screenshot is okay so
on Bumble we like you say your name and then you could just write your own bio there's
not as many like you actually you know how on Hinch?
Yeah there's a lot of them.
They've changed it though.
Oh really?
Yeah they have changed it.
Okay, this guy's bio, she's pretty much put like, sorry, is this meant to be really attractive
or something?
So this is what he's put, I work a lot, enjoy the gym, need a woman that has actually, that
has a actually understand.
The fact that he can't even write properly would be my first thing. That actually understands sarcasm because half of the stuff I say, people believe I'm
being serious as I can't take it no more.
You seem kind of giving me a serapin.
Hold on.
And also I own a passport.
Congratulations.
She's put here, sorry, own a passport.
Is that meant to be really attractive or something?
That is honestly, Corey, that is really not a good profile.
My friend sent me.
Yeah, that's something else guys.
Please send us screenshots of people's profiles.
I have a screenshot as well.
I need to start.
So my friend, won't disclose who she is.
We're both on dating apps and we've been sending each other like really funny things back and forwards. Someone has got in their bio, myself
and a male friend are looking for a connection with a female for regular fun as a three,
etc.
So, myself and a male friend, so two guys?
Yeah. Exclusive. No ONS.
What's that no ONS.
What's that?
ONS.
One night stands.
No one night stands, we're both straight
and so all the focus would be on you.
Double the attention, double the affection,
double the pleasure, all on you.
I said to her, please go.
Hold on, can I see the photos of them?
Just ask all the people I've got.
God, I've never seen that. He's gross.
Let me see if there were any other ones. Yeah, he's gross. There was another funny one.
So one of my friends got like, it was on Hinge, they like your picture. And so it was this man.
And then so she scrolls, she kicked on the
picture and scrolled down and looked at his pictures and there's a picture of him in a
car in female stockings and like a corset.
Who the fuck?
She was like, why am I in traffic with people?
Like it is funny.
Like I will, I will.
Do you know what else is funny?
I don't know if you guys will remember, it was ages ago when I, I actually wasn't even
on the dating apps yet, but this was after I broke up with my ex-boyfriend and maybe it was me that was on the dating apps.
I am crying, crush us.
And I read email, not an email,
like a message that I got from a guy called Daniel.
Do you remember?
And then it turned out that he,
and I replied to him being like,
like, obviously this is a copy and paste, you need to update it because I shared it and other people said, I got that
message. My friend was showing me how a dating profile the other day and he he was on there.
So I was like, please match him just to see if he sends it. So she's she's liked him,
but I haven't heard about it.
Another thing I will say, so this friend who I keep talking to is to share like things back and forwards.
She literally types in to chat GBT, please can you send me a response to this?
Can I read you one of them?
Like, so in response to someone's profile, she's like, she's gonna kill me for sharing
this.
Oakley, you had me at protective and loyal, but then you had to throw in being a judo
champ who's kind, caring and knows how to lead.
Seriously dangerous combination. Sunseas, smiles and seduction. Because with that bio, you're definitely trying
to get something. And honestly, I'm not mad about it. And she literally keeps sending
me all these things.
But she's sending that like, with the hope that it would turn into something or just
for a bit of science.
It's a bit of answering.
I was going to say, because that is the- We are, yeah, it is quite,
quite interesting, shall I say.
Anyway, we need to do a-
Yeah, we are gonna do our product of the week.
What are you thinking?
Okay, my product of the week, I think you say it,
whey, is spelled O-U-A U A I hair and body mist and sent bars
This literally smells like a holiday in a bottle
It's unbelievable. I smell so nice. It smells like a hair and body mist. What's that meant to do?
He's a straight like I use it as like I don't like always in the dead. Yeah, I got it from spacing
Okay, is it almost like the equivalent of like a soul unit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
But it lasts on your hair. So smell that.
It literally smells like holidays. Does that smell like holidays?
Spray me now. Is it on Venetian?
How let you do it? Honestly, guys, it's.
Oh, I want that. On holiday, like summer vibes.
Isn't that giving some vibe? It is so nice. Okay, sold. Is it expensive?
No, I think it was around the £30 mark. Every time I've worn it, I've got a compliment on it
and it's just unbelievable. Oh yeah, smells so summery.
It's in the summer, what's yours? My product of the week, I'm going to go
in with two because it's like for the same thing, but it was honestly the best decision I made
getting rid of my lashes.
Like I definitely had lash blindness,
like cannot bear them, gross.
Anyway, so I straight away started using UK Lash,
which has made such a difference to my lashes.
It's a lot of sense.
Oh, do you?
And the Maybelline Highline mascara,
like I've been trying quite a few mascaras.
I was so oblivious to mascaras before because I haven't needed to use them for 30 years.
It is so good.
It really separates your lashes.
I feel like, yeah, I just feel like I don't have a lot of them right now, but like they
look good.
Yeah, they do.
And also they don't smudge.
Like you'll never get like the, you know how sometimes people have like the black mascara
on their eyelid.
It doesn't move and actually even when I wash my face my
mascara or if I have a cry, I don't actually notice it must be because
it doesn't drip. When I cry every day. Yeah I just felt like it's
really good and it's really easy to come off with like, um, acetylal water or
something. But yeah so they're our products of the week.
Okay, confession of the week.
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend two and a half years ago.
I'm now in a happy relationship, so loved up,
and I couldn't be happier.
However, I still can't seem to stop myself
having a little Instagram stalk, Facebook stalk, WhatsApp profile stalk.
Sorry.
I don't have feelings for him anymore.
I don't love him, but for some reason,
I just still wanna know what he's doing and who he's with.
Do you think that's an issue?
I feel like you're kidding yourself a bit.
Do you? So no, like I don't
know if I'm just like maybe like got issues but I just I switched off from someone. I
don't know I feel like I wouldn't say you've got an issue I don't think that you doing
that takes away how much you feel for your partner now,
but maybe it's something that you should try
and not do anymore.
Like I understand sometimes being intrigued
by what someone's doing.
Because I'm intrigued by some people
that I don't even know.
You know what I mean?
I'm trying to feel like there's that fine line
between like,
inappropriate to like- That's more fine line between like, it's appropriate to like-
That's more like someone I might have dated at uni
that I wonder if they got married and had a kid,
but I've probably looked once, not-
Yeah, that's what I'm trying to like.
Like sometimes, I don't know,
like I'm trying to think of like a healthy example of,
I guess like you just said,
like someone that you used to go to school with,
like, oh, I wonder if they're still together.
So I'm trying to put it into that frame,
but maybe it's a bit too familiar with it being like an ex
that you broke up with like not so long ago.
Do you know what I mean?
But look, no judgment here, you do you, hun.
You do you, hun.
Okay, we do an affirmation of the week.
Guys, I'm gonna share the affirmation
that I put on my stories this morning,
because I think a lot of people listening
are probably single parents and stressing
over financial situations and the pressures
that being a single parent brings with that,
and I don't think we probably talk about it enough.
And so I want you to say this to yourself,
if you have been struggling, or even if you're not,
and you just want more money,
I want you to say, money flows easily and effortlessly into my life and I want you to believe that,
feel it and attract that in and we're going to be okay.
I love that.
We love you guys so much.
See you next week.
See ya.
Bye.
ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi everybody, I'm Tom Tremuth of the Talk Music Podcast. I'm a multi-platinum producer
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