Not As We Planned - 91. She’d Flirt With a Pint Of Milk

Episode Date: May 29, 2025

We hear from a woman who’s tried everything to make her marriage work, a man who’s wife cheated on him with her best female friend and an update from the woman who was comparing herself to the girl her partner cheated on her with.Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Planned, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hey guys! Welcome back to Not As We Planned! Not As We Planned! Hope everyone is good, having a great week, loving that the weather is just nice now. I don't know how long that's gonna last so I guess you've got to...

Dull down a bit today and I didn't get the moment. Yeah I went on a walk and I was like... Were you in a t-shirt? Luckily I put a denim jacket on but I was still freezing. I've like literally dressed for holiday and I was like... Okay cool. Yeah where's the sun gone? It's back tomorrow, it's fine. I'm still freezing. I've like literally dressed for holiday and I was like, okay cool. Yeah, where's the stung on?

It's back tomorrow, it's fine. Yeah, so do you want to give us a update? On here, what's Sharon Patron to be honest. So I did go on a date on Friday and it was a nice first date, but he's just not what I'm looking for. It's giving red flags. Yeah, there were a lot of red flags for me. And do you know what?

I'm really proud of myself that obviously I've been actively doing the work and like really working on my self-worth and being sure in what I will and won't tolerate. And I think it's one thing knowing that and it's another thing putting it into practice. I do think I can see how you can go. I won't lie, there were some red flags before the date. Why? What? I didn't know that. There were. I'll tell you afterwards. Sometimes people- It was really funny when you were on the date and you were telling me it was going really

well. Me and James were like buzzing double date. He can cook. James was like, do you think he can make a good beef wellington? I was like, yeah, definitely. It was a good day. We're really annoyed. But I'm actually really proud of myself that I was thinking, these things don't sit right

with me. And actually, I'm at a point where I don't need to give people a chance and see if it's a thing. For me, if someone's waving a big red flag, it's a no from me. And I'm really proud of myself for holding my boundaries. And there were certain elements already like after one date like just um a lack of ability to communicate I could just see things flushing up and I in my head I was thinking god if you got into a relationship with this person this would be an issue this would be an issue and I just thought it's not for me I just said like I you

know I wish you wish you well and I just it's absolutely, it's just not for me. And that was that. And I'm just really proud of myself for becoming this person. I think I've always, I think if that was me two years ago, I probably would have ended up in a relationship with him if I'm being completely honest, because I had such a lack of self-worth and, you know, I could focus on all the nice things,

like the effort he put into the day and really focus on where is my romanticizing. I mean, like he took me for a romantic picnic in the park and he cooked for me in this. And I could focus on all those things and forget about the other things. But I really think it's important when someone starts to show you who they are, to really listen to who they are and to not ignore the person they're showing you they are. And I don't know. Like, I feel like it's like what we say, like every date is an experience. I'm not here like desperately trying to go on dates. I've been on three dates since I've been single. And I have-

Three? Yeah, three. Who's the third? The one in the park, the coffee date in the park. And then we went out for dinner that same night. Oh yeah, if you talk about him, he didn't make an impact on the... Well, you saw some of the people coming up on the app. Oh my god, can we just quickly take a moment for it?

So Carly sent me a few photos of this guy that she saw on Bumble and he had better legs than me to be fair. He basically was a cross-dresser. Yeah, and do you know what? Good for him putting it out there showing who he is because someone will be okay with that. But I'm like-

That's great, he used to love that shit. Yeah, but it was like one photo of him as a man and then six photos of him in a wig, full makeup. Way better lengths than any of ours. Yeah, and then I said to Karlie, it'd be quite cute if you could do your skincare routine together and do like get ready with me and who earrings are nice, have you changed them?

Willow and Burry. What's up with them, I? Yeah, you're like better than any man. That one. Yeah, they're all Willow and Burry. I really like that,? Yeah, you're like better than any man. That one. Yeah, they're all Willow and Burberry. I really like that, yeah. I'm so annoyed, I literally cannot put anything in these third holes except real diamond

or the one that I got pierced with. What is that? I lost one, so I had to put my diamond one in. Like that's too big there, but if I put something in like one of those little ones, it goes so annoying. Yeah, no. And I put a hoop through that bit. I thought it was quite cool. Yeah, that is and I hope through that bit it's quite cool yeah it's not gonna get another piece oh yeah you're gonna get a tattoo and we've got our

event in a few days by the time this comes out it would have been and gone but you're gonna get a tattoo thinking about it think about getting 11 11 where? here reading I don't know yet I'm not 100% so I'm not not committed. Anyway, let me go back to this thing. So yeah, deleting the apps just because I think sometimes you get to the point I'm really protective of my energy now and I'm not even like some of the conversations I've had this way. Oh my God. There was this guy he matched with me, clearly loved himself. We were just talking, what do you do, blah, blah, blah. Told him about a podcast. He was going through a divorce, like 10 months

or something. How did it end? Oh, I was messaging other women, like I wasn't getting what I needed. He actually openly said that. Fuck off. Yeah, and I was like, you might want to send my podcast to you, Ex-Wife. I am. And he was just a bit of a fuck, we tell he's a fuck boy and I actually unmatched him. Yeah, good.

But I was like, F.Y.I, you might want to send this to your ex-wife. So if you're listening. Hey. Yeah, but I don't know. I just, I think when you realize you're just, it's draining you, you just need to take a step back from it. I have got a date on Friday. I'm actually not going to speak about it and I think that's

best I'm not gonna speak about it I have got a day and if that doesn't go well I'm just gonna have a little rest from it to be honest like next week I'm hosting a dating event with border dating apps so that's gonna be an experience that I'll report back to base or so no loads of you listening were actually interested in potentially doing like an in face event so and I'll report back to Betalks. I know loads of you listening were actually interested in potentially doing like an in-face event. So I'll report back. But yeah, I have to be honest. I'm not, I think where I'm very, very content on my own, I've got zero pressure on me meeting someone at the moment. And I think that's a really healthy and nice place to be. And I feel quite proud that I'm quite protective of my energy and where that goes.

And I just think if something feels exhausting, it's just right to take a step back from it and that's fine. So, yeah, that's me. What about you? I'd literally have nothing. Cool, so fantastic. Inspired. No, nothing. Good week. Cool. Kids are good. Great. Boyfriends good. Fantastic. I'm good.

Let's get on with some emails. Yeah, let's read it. I feel like I've spoken loads. Yeah, you have. Let's start with this because the answer is yes. How can you leave someone you still love 80% of the time? Let's find out shall we? Hello. I've loved listening to you both over the last year. I found you a pod when I was going through a particularly bad patch with my husband and it helped me feel less alone in a world of seemingly happy couples amongst all my friends and family. My husband's never cheated and the breakdown of our marriage is somewhat different to what a lot of your

emails are about but I'm struggling to know what to do after going round in circles for over two years and I hope that you could offer some advice. I'd say our problem started well before my daughter was born a couple of years ago but just became all more apparent when I found out I was pregnant. My husband has always been a big drinker and I've never liked the person he became when he drinks. He's not aggressive but he becomes very negative, depressive, says very strange things like I don't love him and it's very uncomfortable to be around especially if we're in company. I hope he would cut down when we found out that we were expecting but I spent most of my

pregnancy asking for this to no avail. He eventually did stop about one month before my due date and he didn't drink for about eight weeks after our daughter was born but it slowly crept back up and it's been a cycle of our lives ever since. Him promising to quit or cut down, me believing it, he will cut down for a few weeks and then he gradually creeps back up again. He also works in a pub. So he works most evenings and all weekends while our only time together are two weeknights where most of it is spent doing bedtime, making tea etc. so we don't get a lot of quality time together. We started counselling a year ago which I do think helped a lot but at times it felt like it was helping our relationship come to an end rather than keeping it together.

I know I have a lot of resentment for the last two years, things he said while drunk, the lack of support, being up all hours with my daughter in the night while he is downstairs drinking. We stopped counselling about a month ago and thought that it was it. The last evening it felt as though our relationship was over. He was distraught and promised he would change. The drink would stop completely and things would get better. But lo and behold, we now seem to have been through another cycle. He doesn't think he has a problem. It's less the fact that he drinks and more the person he becomes when he does that I hate and the thought of my daughter ever waking in the night and coming down and seeing that person as she gets older, which also scares the hell out of me. How can you leave someone who you love 80% of the time but hate the

other 20% of the time? We've been together since we were teenagers and now in our thirties, so it weighs so heavily on me the thought of separating and breaking up our little family but surely if he was going to stop it would have happened by now. I feel like a lot of the problems are also now turned around on me. We're only intimate about once a week and he feels as though I don't want to which if I'm honest I don't especially if he's had a drink or often he won't come to bed with me he'll come to bed after 12 or 1am when I'm asleep and starting cuddling me, but then I'm so tired from working full time and our daughter always wakes early.

It's the last thing on my mind in the night. It's just not how I imagined our family life at all, but I'm too scared to leave. Financially, it would be such a strain on us both and I'm so worried how he would cope. I have good support network with my family but he doesn't have close friends and his family have never been the best. My mum knows about all of this and has supported us through it all but always feels as though she's trying to convince me to give him another chance. I should add that my dad was a heavy drinker when I was a child so this adds to my dread as I've seen what it can do. And I know how my mum felt about him towards the end of their relationship.

Sorry for the long email. I really hope you get to see this and can provide some sort of advice or help as I just feel so lost at the moment. As always, please keep me anonymous. Thank you for reading. I think it's really dangerous in relationships when resentment seems to take over.

And I feel like just listening to that, there is so much resentment perhaps on both parties. And I think when you're holding on to things from the past, it's so hard to step forwards and face new problems like head on and be productive with that. It does sound like he has got some kind of alcohol problem and I think that does seem to be the underlining problem and I guess that stems to some kind of like addiction. I think when you've exhausted all avenues, you know, you've tried therapy, you've longed it out, you're trying to wait for those changes to happen and you're not seeing those changes, trying to wait for those changes to happen and you're not seeing those changes, there is only so much you can do and there's only so much we can carry on just surviving and

accepting things that don't make us happy. I think if I was in your position, I'd be quite content knowing we've tried therapy, we've tried this, we've spoken about it, I've expressed what it is I need and if things aren't changing, like we always say, you can't control another person, you can't control them making a change, you can't force them to make a change. At the end of the day, the only person who has the capability to make a change is that person. And you have to also be selfish enough to want more for yourself. And that's also okay. It's okay to need more than you're guessing. And it's okay for you to walk away from that.

I feel like I'd be really interested to know whether you've ever had a conversation with him where you have literally put all your cars on the table and said to him, if you do not make changes, I'm gone. Because I think if you have had near enough a conversation like that and he does the whole changes for a few weeks and then it goes back, I really relate to that. I feel like I had very similar situations with my ex-husband where I was so desperate for him to want to change, for him to do better, but he obviously eventually didn't want to make those changes. And I think I just got pushed to a point where it was just gone, it was too far gone. And I was like, this just isn't enough for me anymore. Like I don't want to be in a relationship

where I don't want to tell you that you should leave because no one really knows your relationship other than you and him. But what I will say is it doesn't sound like even when you put the drink aside that he's particularly supportive of you. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything quality time-wise.

I would almost wanna strip it back and say to him, I really want to start doing date nights here or quality time here, or it's not okay for, even the sex part. You know how you were saying that he'll try it, like at one in the morning when you're asleep. I think it's having those conversations and really communicating,

I don't want you to think I don't want to have sex with you. I really do. However, I feel like we need to maybe find some better quality time to do it where it suits us both. And really explaining that because for all you know, he's thinking in his head, she doesn't want me, she keeps rejecting me, but he's going about it the wrong way. Sometimes I feel like we actually really need to spell it out to these men and make them realize that you are doing this wrong. If you

do it this way, then you'll get the result that you want. I don't think we should ever assume that they should realize like I'm turning him down because it's obvious I'm asleep and I just don't think that we always think in the same way as they do. If you've really, really exhausted every type of communication in that way about the quality time, about the concerns about when your daughter's older coming downstairs, like you want to be with him, you love him and you want him to change, but if the changes aren't going to happen, you are going to need to make the change and that change is by leaving. Maybe he will make some changes, but he doesn't you deserve to be with someone that wants to look after you, that wants to make you happy, that wants to make those changes

to better themselves and to better your relationship and to better the life of your daughter as well and I'm not really getting that right now. So you interestingly said I love him 80% of the time and I wonder if it is even. Yeah, I think it sounds more like 40. I wonder if what you're considering love is more familiarity rather than a feeling of love. You've been together for a long time. And also that desire for that family unit. I wonder if it's actually more that and actually if you strip it back, it's probably more like

40, 30. Yeah. If you're really looking at it. If you made a list of everything that you love about him, and I mean things that are present right now because you can't love that he supports you with helping with your daughter. You can't love the quality time you spend together. You can't love the passion that you have. Let's take him off the pedestal. Let's stop romanticising. Literally make a list. Make

a list of all the things you love a list. Make a list of all the things you love about him and make a list of all the things you despise and that's going to help you really look at it through a realistic point of view and take him off the pedestal. And I think the hardest thing when you are considering separating from the father of your children is it's not just losing a person, it's losing an entire life that you had planned in your head. It's losing a family unit. And so many of us actually struggled to mourn the loss of that more than the loss of that significant other person

in your life. Yeah, I think it's also like grieving the life that you've thought you were gonna have. And having to start again, like that is still dying. Being like, oh my God, I'm 30 and I'm gonna start again. Like it's scary when you've been with someone like your whole teenage 20s, 30s. But it doesn't mean the scary decision is the wrong one. Sometimes it's... It will also push you to grow in ways that you won't have done.

It's interesting that your mum is encouraging you to give him another chance when she went through something similar and by the sounds of it, isn't with him anymore. Keep us updated, please, and thank you for emailing in. Okay, we've got an email from a man. Oh. Send in a read it. Okay.

Event that happened for advice. Okay. I've been with my wife for 15 years. Also guys, if you are a male listener, we do want to hear from you because obviously we have a very female dominated audience and I think sometimes views can be, what's the word, like a bit bias towards like men being dickheads. And it's not always the case. We just don't hear from men. Yeah, so like right on in. Right in.

I've been with my wife for 15 years, almost 10 of those married. She's had a friend whom she's close with for a while, the kind of friend who she used to go out often with. Lunches, nights out, even overnight stays at times. This friend is a little wild and always has been. I've heard stories from my wife of her friend sleeping with married men and basically behaving very loosely in regards to sex. I pass no judgement, she's single and free to do so, however, I was always concerned about the position this puts my wife in when they are out together. I know this woman relatively well as I have taught her children and she has been to our house many times. I've shared these concerns with my wife who has always played it down. Last year my wife said

she'd like to go on holiday with this friend. They were planning to go to her friend's dad's apartment in apartment in...Mersia? Mer...yeah. Mercia. Abroad. For a week. I was fine with it even when it transpired that it was planned and booked for the week of our nine year wedding anniversary. Well that's a bit harsh. Yeah it's a bit harsh. At some point the trip was changed and it turned out they were going to Benidorm for three days. It don't. I'd rather not.

Before going on to the apartment. Something to do with her dad moving out there earlier than I anticipated. I sat with her and explained my concerns about Benidorm and the positions her friend may put her in. Having people back at the room or ending up going back to a hotel with her friend or being left alone. My wife assured me this was ridiculous and that she was able to make her own decisions and not get caught up in anything. I understand both sides, do you? Yeah. It would make me massively uncomfortable if my partner was going on some wild holiday with a single mate who was like a proper like man whore. But at the same time I appreciate from her like don't judge me just like that.

I can make my own decisions. But then I don't think really would a married, would I want to go on a holiday with someone where we're in such different... I don't think I'd go with them just on my own. If I were with friends and I had other people in my position or like who weren't like that. I may go away with like a friend that's single that's a bit of a whore but we'd do a spa weekend because that would suit us both. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. I wouldn't like to go to a beach in our way riding with a single mate. Fast forward to the trip and on the first night my wife called me to say she'd been left alone in a club and her friend went missing for two hours with the man. Then did the same thing later on in the night and my wife ended up being walked home by the first man her friend had disappeared with. Because of this I was worried the next night. I woke up early wondering if she was safe and well and decided to check Live 360.

What is that? That, that, it's the same as like for my friends, but for like a Samsung. Okay. We have this for the kids. Upon checking it, it showed my wife was at a different hotel and had spent the night there. I would be like losing my mind. Fucking hell. How does he even go to bed? No, I'd be on the floor having a heart attack. Is that over?

Oh my god, stop, that's actually giving me anxiety. This was the morning of our nine year waiting anniversary. Oh, fucking hell, so far I've rather been sorting the world. I called her, but not to question more, but to wish her a happy anniversary. And she didn't answer. And when she did make contact, she made excuses for why she didn't answer and when she did make contact she made excuses for why she hadn't answered. That's weird for me the not answering's weird if it was an innocent thing and you've just there isn't really an

excuse to be honest. Later that day she said she knew I was aware of her not staying where she should. I told her we were taught when she got home and when she returned we spoke and she explained she had gone there because she didn't want to walk home alone etc. I wasn't happy but tried to give her the benefit of the doubt and work on it. Sir? A few weeks later she confessed that something had happened on the first night away and that she had slept with her female friend. What?

Didn't I she was lying either. Hang on. Rewind. A few weeks later she confessed that something had happened on the first night away and that she had slept with her female friend and, shout some that had also happened six months earlier too another night they had had out which I questioned at the time and what's worse probably now I've got no clue what to do I've been through, I'm on anti-depressants trying to work on it but I think I should leave thoughts from you guys off. No one can tell you what you should and shouldn't do. At the end of the day only you know if

you can truly forgive someone. Firstly I'd be really interested to know like have there been conversations, has she shown remorse, has she taken accountability for her actions, has she expressed that she wants to work on it? No but do you know what I actually think is so disgusting and so dishonest is she had a thing with this. She gaslighted it. No no no, before she went away. That's what I'm saying, she gaslighted the fuck out of him into feeling. And there he was, and his concerns were so wrong. And then they were wrong about men.

Meanwhile, she'd already had an affair with this woman. Nah. It's giving holly oaks. Like, do you know what? You deserve so much more. I've got to be honest, I'll say it how it is. I would leave. How are you meant to trust someone

that obviously she didn't have remorse from the first time because she then yeah. Wow, it wasn't that I'm still processing. Yeah, she was happy to gaslight you, make you feel like it was a ridiculous thing for you to think that it was inappropriate for her to potentially be left with men. Meanwhile, she's fucking the woman instead. Like, I don't't I just know. It's a certain type of person to truly forgive someone and unless you know you can. Sounds like they don't have kids yet. Sounds like which is a bloody no they do because they have that out for the kids. Oh so you know what one thing I must say which

I've never really thought about it must be be, I think, make potentially even harder for the men to leave a marriage or a relationship with kids involved because the likelihood is more often than not, they're going to see their kids less than 50%. That must be so difficult. We've actually never ever delved into that because we're so used to thinking of our points of view and so many women emailing in Think about being the man that has been trampled all over Gaslit the fuck out of cheated on then needing to make the decision Not only do we find it hard enough to be like, oh, I don't want to break up my family but they're gonna break up their family and

Potentially only see their kids every other weekend and once a week. That must be vile. And I'm so sorry for you. And I'm so sorry that she's treated you this way, but you know what? You do deserve better. And I think regardless of whether,

and I don't know whether you're questioning it more because it's been with a woman and not a man, but I almost feel like It's even worse now because how you meant to trust her with Anyone but now all is done is just open this is open the floor to everyone. Yeah, I Yeah wild absolutely wild. I'm really glad you're going to therapy. I think that's really good. She's straight away like Honestly, it's nothing. It's not a you problem. This woman is untrustworthy. You deserve so much better.

The fact that you expressed your concerns and she sat there and gaslighted you into like, oh, it's really infuriated me. But yeah, you can absolutely do a million times better. You're probably never going gonna trust the woman again I certainly wouldn't even trust the going to test guys to be honest and Right, I mean, yeah, right probably flirt with a fucking pile of milk at this rate. So I Think he more than I regime as you know, and the bananas mash not into that Anyway, yeah on a, keep this updated please.

And thank you for sharing and any other men listening, please. Keep them coming. You know, even the micro-penises and you know, what not. I'm waiting for my photo. Yeah. Okay, this is an update. Cheating story update.

It's a, now let me see if we can see. I can't see what it's from, so we'll just have to read it and hopefully we get the gist. Okay, hi lovelies, I thought I'd send an update in after I heard you read out my email last week. First of all, I loved your bluntness, Tash. Regardless of the half of the negative comments on the post from people.

Oh, I love it, this one is. What? This is the one where I gave the harsh sh... Hey. I was just saying I was blunt. What was I blunt about? I'm always blunt. Yeah, standard.

A handful of negative comments on the post from people who hadn't listened to the full podcast and therefore didn't understand your directness. Also, thanks to you, Carly, for saying he's punching. Oh, hold on. Oh no, it's about the- The photo. The photo.

Oh, the- The It's about the photo. The photo. Oh, the slag. Yeah. Yeah. So this is about the one who Tash said she sounds like a slag. No, she looks like a slag. She looks like a slag. Do you know what? In my defence, what I will say is she did. I think that when you suddenly have this image of someone before you even look at a photo, you're like, oh, she cheated. She openly cheated, like slut. I know people were giving me grief about shaming women for what they look like. Anyone that knows me knows I'm a girl's girl.

I'll always be a girl's girl. But when I hear that you're not a girl's girl and you're sleeping with someone's husband knowingly the easiest thing to do is just call you a slut. I didn't call you ugly, I didn't call you fat, I didn't actually say anything about your appearance like what does a slut even look like it's really just a word to use to get some anger out without being personal. So yeah, just like, don't be a slut. Okay. I just want to say thank you for both of your kind words and you'll be glad to know that I've snapped out of it

and stopped negatively comparing myself to her. I haven't felt I'm able to confide in my friends or family yet, so you can't even imagine how much it helps just to get it off my chest whilst hearing your advice and thoughts. I did end up messaging her. I called her a few mean words, home wrecking slag being the most polite one, which I'm not proud of. She read it and ignored me and then two days later sent me a voice note apologising, but used her trauma from her divorce as an excuse because her ex cheated on her constantly and told her it meant nothing and it was just sex so she

wanted to try it out for herself. Maybe she needs to listen to the podcast. I actually can't believe women like this exist. She clearly has her own insecurities. But that's always going to be the case. You guys realize this. Any woman that is happy to throw themselves on a man has no self respect for themselves and absolutely has massive insecurities insecurity so you can sit there all you want and compare yourself to them and be like, why is she prettier than me? Why is she skinnier than me? The reason why they're acting that way is because they've got absolutely no self-respect. They're trying to get external validation. 100% desired.

Anyway, it takes two to tango and she has no loyalty to me and this is on him. He got to shut her down but he didn't. He gave in to the temptation. A few days after I emailed in, I did put my big girl pants on and asked the cheating rat to go and stay at his parents. If I'm honest, I actually felt enraged by his presence every time he tried to get close to me. We ended up sleeping together the night before I asked him to go and annoyingly it was probably the best sex I've ever had. But afterwards the hurt and pain came flooding in like a tidal wave. It's strange how you can go from being completely besotted and in love one week to utterly repulsed by their presence the next. That's the breathing cycle as well.

The switch goes. It's the sadness to the anger to the, you know, it's not linear. After getting over the shock, I think I'm well and truly in the anger phase. Embrace it, babe. To say he's been groveling is an understatement. He has begged and pleaded daily. He's asked us to go and spend time together to talk. So when we can, we have been going for a walk alone to talk.

Nine times out of ten it ends in tears from one or both of us. Obviously a big thing is this is the trust as the cheating happened whilst he was working away. He has started applying for home based jobs. Hold on I'll talk about this after. Despite the dramatic cut this will have on his income he says he's doing this for me so that he can be at home every night and I don't need to worry. It might end up in the short term but it's not going to make me trust him again. He's booked us for couples therapy which I agree to and we have our first session tomorrow. He's booked us for a weekend away in a few weeks for one on one time to try and repair things but I've told him I

don't know if I can go yet. I feel like he's doing all the right things, but this feeling of betrayal is just brutal to me. The hardest thing for me in all of this is how this has changed me. I've gone from happy and bubbly to cold and angry. It affected every aspect of my life. I've had to cancel work meetings because I just can't put a brave face on. I've stopped going to my PT and I keep making excuses to cancel things by telling friends I'm poorly. My family know that something is up but I've lied and told them that I'm just on one and stressed with work because he works away a lot. We've been able to disguise all the mess from the kids. He comes over during the day and takes them out and then comes home for meals and bedtime and then they don't know he's

sleeping at grandma and grandpa's. I don't want them knowing anything until I'm sure of what I'm doing. If I give him another chance, it will never be the same again. Our relationship has changed forever and that's the hardest pill to swallow. Even if I'm able to forgive, it will never be forgotten. I love him with all my heart,

but I hate his guts at the same time. I'm going to give it some time with the couples therapy. I've given myself a deadline of three months to make the final decision and I'll update you both then. Can I just quickly point something out? He is changing his job to be at home to make you feel more secure. I know someone that did this, okay? I know someone that was engaged to a man who cheated on her at work and once it got found out they counselled the wedding but she stayed with him and they moved his job to being at home. It changed nothing. It's just a plaster. That doesn't mean that you're going to trust

him more. It just means that he is now on a lead. That will also make him resent you because you are not forgiving him. You are prisoning, like you're making him a prisoner and he might be happy to do it right now, but I'm telling you now that will eat away at your relationship. I'm glad that you're going to therapy. That's fine. I'm glad that you're giving yourself a deadline and I'm glad that you're maybe not showing the kids because you don't wanna confuse them. And one of the rules that I've always held to is do not tell the kids unless you are 100% because it's so much more of a head fuck

if you let them know that you're breaking up and then you're getting back together. But the reason why you're not telling your friends is because you don't wanna hear what they have to say. And that is one of the biggest red flags in a relationship. When you start withholding information about your relationship from friends, it's because you know that it is wrong

and you know they're gonna give you advice that at the moment you don't wanna take. That is a big telltale sign as to where you are at the moment. I might be wrong. This may work out, but I don't think it's going to. I feel like I'm actually gonna say something

that's gonna surprise you. You're gonna tell her to give him a chance? No like I'm actually going to say something that's going to surprise you. You're going to tell her to give him a chance? No, I'm not necessarily saying that. Look, everyone knows where I stand when cheating. Everyone knows that. I do believe- Remember, he didn't tell her he got caught. No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not saying give him another chance. I just think it comes down to, and I guess this is what you're probably going to be able to explore through therapy. You're not going to know if you're truly able to forgive someone. I know as a person, I would not be able to forgive someone for cheating on me. I know people who have and I know people who have worked through it to get to a place. Do you think they're genuinely happy? Yeah, I do. Now, I think, I think if you're the right kind of person and you're both,

both parties are willing to do the work and put the resentment aside and not bring it up. Because when you say do the work, do you think by him changing his job and working from home, there's a difference between getting a new job because you've cheated on someone at work and changing to work from home? But literally, that is literally like, you must be with me at all times. But she's not said that and I understand that maybe that's his way of being like, I will literally do anything to prove to you that I will do anything to make you feel safe.

I'm not saying it's the right thing to do and I'm absolutely not saying you need to give him a go. I think it's a really good idea for you to go to therapy to figure out if you are the kind of person who can work through it and stop resenting. I know for me, I was willing to go to therapy, but actually I already knew the answer because I know where I stand in terms of things. And if you know that deep down, if you know deep down, you're never going to be able to really forgive him and you're going to have that underlying resentment throughout your entire relationship.

That is going to become so toxic because every time something bad happens and it will because that's life and that is the nature of all kinds of relationships. It goes through peaks and troughs but if at every single trough you're in, you're throwing that in his face, it's going to become so toxic and you're going to end up wasting all years. But it's not even just her holding the resentment. I wouldn't be surprised if in a year's time he holds resentment to her for having to change everything. If you end up having money problems, well, it's because I had to, do you know what I mean?

I agree. Look, do the therapy. It could be life-changing. I don't want you to think I'm sitting here saying that don't give him a chance, you need to leave. Because sometimes, like Carly said, it can work out. You can have the remorse, do the work, build it up, learn to trust each other.

And that could work. I'm not here saying it's not going to. Who am I to predict the future? I've got absolutely no idea. I just worry. That's all. If it was me and I was in your shoes, I would leave. I'm just trying to almost play devil's advocate because I know that not everyone is exactly like I am. Not everyone thinks

exactly like I am and not everyone had the same relationship I had. And I don't know really the ins and outs of your relationship. But I just think, I think we always talk about like these men who we want them we like but they're not making the changes and like if he's not going away he's not making the changes not taking the accountability if he's trying to take some accountability surely we've got to almost respect that respect the fact he's he's trying to like you said he's really like groveling and he's trying to take that accountability I I just feel like sometimes- I understand that's what I mean. I understand that that's also probably very hard to turn down when it isn't what you wanted. You want to be with him. You want to stay together.

I can't sit here and say that I wouldn't try and go on the night away and do the therapy. It's not an answer you can have now like you're doing the right things no one only you knowing your soul what that right thing to do is only you i think it's good that you've given yourself time yeah i agree otherwise it could go on for you yeah so i guess maybe like please do keep us updated product of the week what's your product so this week guys it is my tatty lashes. So these are at home lashes. You basically can choose your style of lash. You get an adhesive and it's really really honestly like sorry if I can do it anyone

can do it. They last me a week. So you sleep in them everything like if I don't know if you've had a week crying they might not last as long. I actually haven't cried in a very long time and but but Yeah, they're absolutely fantastic Wear them for holidays, whatever. I just have them I just feel so much more confident in them and also it's just like one of those

Things you do to be like less high maintenance. I just don't do anything. So yeah Don't know if you can see a close-up, but they they look really good You could choose all sorts of see that have to have like really dramatic ones. They do really natural ones. They do like different sizes, different lengths, different shapes. Really good ideas to go on their page and see what kind of look you like.

And then like they normally like list what the name of them are. I love that. Mine let's go with something pretty simple. I feel like we've probably mentioned it before, but never done it on product of the week, because we've only done it twice. You already forgot you've done one of it.

How much? Shall I? It's the Be Perfect gel drops, which I've got on right now. Okay, so if anyone's ever used like the Drunken Elephant tanning drops or anything I personally never use them. I've been using the Be Perfect gel drops for over a year. Converted Kali.

Yeah, I was Drunk Elephant and now nothing. And it's so reasonable and yeah, so I mean all my makeup is pretty much Be Perfect but the gel drops are so good. If you don't want to wear foundation, you just want to look a bit good are we? And I thought I'd put on a tan. I protect my face from the sun on holiday and then like my body's always darker than my face so I'm really good for holiday. Yeah so that's my product.

Should we do a little confession? Confession of the week. I once found out my ex had been messaging other girls when I was snooping through his phone. So I screenshotted everything and posted it all over his Facebook from his phone and then changed his phone password so he couldn't get in to delete the pictures. I love it. His mum messaged me later that day, begging me to tell him his phone password so he could take it down. Sorry, not sorry.

That is brilliant. I love that. Right, let's do an affirmation of the week. I guess it's just like, I want you guys to really realize that however unhappy or sad you might be feeling at times or you're in a really dark place, please just try and look for those small little golden nuggets of goodness because everyone has them. Even if you're having a really, really shitty day, you're going through a really,

really shit time, try and just embrace those small moments that actually bring a smile to your face. Little glimmers. Yeah, like we have them, be grateful for them, gratitude makes such a difference to your day, to your mood. 100%. Try and find.

So go and have a fantastic day and go and give us a review if you're feeling particularly fantastic. And follow us on Instagram, TikTok. We're doing a lot more teasers on TikTok as well by the way. And go and subscribe on YouTube. Love you. See you next week.

Bye.