Not As We Planned - 93. I Thought He Would Change For Me

Episode Date: June 11, 2025

When a short situationship does a lot of damage, your partner tells you it’s you or the dog, and when your ex has moved on but you weren’t ready for this changeLink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high-am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to Not As We Plan. We hope you are feeling fabulous the sun is out again shining yeah the sun didn't end in I know it's oh laughing

frozen all things hot whatever hi guys hello everyone do you have enough? I have literally nothing. My life is so boring. So catch that day, nothing again. I've got never seen one else. Cute. They're really cute. Yeah, they're really pretty. I wrote just like proper plain. Proper plain. Yeah, so your update is boring. I'm going away this weekend so I can update. Yeah, so your update's boring. I'm going away this weekend, so I can update you. She's doing something. I can update you on that next week. But no, it'll be really nice.

It's the first time we're going away, the eight of us. So, how many days are you going for? Three nights. So we're going to this really nice lodge, like overlooks and lake. We've got a hot tub, there's loads of activities that we've, it's like self catering, so we organize a food shop and leave them there.

But then they've also got a restaurant for dinner, so we're gonna do one night dinner, we're gonna do one day breakfast, and then the other days we're just gonna make breakfast. So I'm sure it'll be really nice, it's obviously quite a different dynamic to what either family are used to. Yeah, I hope so.

I'm thinking about that Mesa boy. But yeah, other than that, no, literally nada. Yeah, not much gossip here. Carly's going to go shy and coy. No, no, it's been half term. Yeah, no, kids have been off school in a half term and I'm not going to lie, it's been pretty wild to be honest. Like my work doesn't stop and I've been trying to juggle that around the kids and I don't know what's going on with Milo at the moment but he's turned into a bit of a devil child this week. He's through. Yeah, but like really. But then he's like really

cute because he'll do something and goes, mommy, look me in the eye. I'm sorry. And I'm like, oh shit, because it gets me. Yeah. And then so they had an extra day with their dad this week so they went to his last night yesterday afternoon so that I could do this today because I'm really like otherwise it's normally me who has to change everything and I was like no this time we're gonna make it work on my work schedule and that's what I'm gonna do now and so then I get them back this afternoon because it's Theo's birthday tomorrow. So then, yeah, because Theo wanted to wake up at my house on his birthday. So yeah.

I'm glad that's been like, although would he anyway? Well, originally he wanted to have them like tonight and then carry it over because it's his weekend with them. So yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do with the boys on Friday. I think we might go into London or like Greenwich or something. Just have a nice day out, just the three of us. And yeah, that's life at the moment, so are you gonna squawk anything about anything else? I've been on like a couple of dates with the same person. Yeah, and that's it.

That's all you need to know. No, look, it's just refreshing to like go on a date like, I don't want to say too much. Maybe I'll talk about it on Patreon. Let's talk about it on Patreon. All you need to know is I've been on a couple of dates with someone and he's very cool. The end. That's really neat. Anyway, emails. Emails. Okay so this is from a man it's called my wife and co-worker. Oh here we go again. Another one. Okay let me keep this brief. I found some messages on my wife's phone after work night out. She was alone in the pub with a friend of mine for two hours and then came home and exchanged messages in our kitchen with him where they told each other they loved each

other and wanted to be coddled up, spooning each other all night and never let each other go. Oh, yeah. It's his friend. I confronted her and she lied, as did he. But even though she deleted it, I'd taken a photo on my phone so that both of them had to admit it at that point that the exchange had happened. It's worth mentioning that he has a wife and kids and I worked with him for a number of years and I considered him a work friend. I've been

told by her that she's done nothing wrong and it's not like they had slept together. The trouble is that lies were told but I'm expected to believe nothing happened in that pub. They're still working together now as she refuses to leave. She's also become overly protective of her phone, changed her pin and removed the 360 family tracking app we had. Fuck. All the classic signs. All the classic tick, tick, tick. She's cheating. Since then, she collapsed at work. She's had an underlying heart condition. I was finishing

work and at home so hard and went straight there seeing as the ambulance was called and wanted to take her to the hospital. I got close, took me an hour and she called to say she didn't want me there, she didn't need me, she never asked me to come except for really horrible things. I went anyway. I waited 30 minutes for her, then decided to check on her in the locker room in light of what had happened. I found her there with three people including him chatting. I was really upset and after that they left us to it. She said she was making it all, that I was making it all about me even though I said that I would come and make sure she was okay. It transpired that he was telling everyone,

oh that he was telling everyone not to call me and she was so adamant and emotional about me being called that people I used to work with and I'd known for years thought I was a domestic abuser and shouldn't be near her. Oh my god. We muddled on for a while and then she told me it was over and for two weeks left me in pieces. I went back to my folks and took some time off work. She then did a complete 180 and she says she wanted it to work, which I tentatively agreed to. A week later I took my children away for a few nights to see their grandparents. She decided to go out and get drunk. She then told me that she was going back to her parents and promised me that she was there. I knew that she was at a hotel and I FaceTimed her. She answered and was clearly in a room but refused to turn the camera around and then hung up.

Called me back about 10 minutes later now outside in her coat saying I was making it up. What? The whole thing was dodgy and despite me saying I needed her to prove to me, she was with her friend as she said she wouldn't. After this she said she wouldn't. After this she said sorry that she got it wrong and now because she's apologised that that's the end of it. I guarantee if the roles were reversed it would hit the fam, that she would hit the

fam massively. I'm very focused on my family and our kids. We do anything for them. Her social life runs in cycles of this kind of behaviour of one drink turning into sessions at work. We've had numerous chats over the years about her just being sensible coming home at a decent time and not missing the train and spending hundreds of pounds on taxis home. But after a while the conversation fades and it slowly creeps back into happening again. This has been the start of a hard few months for me mentally.

I've never been this type of person but this has put me on edge and let alone the later issues. I love my family and kids, but I can't take much more. The conversation she had with him didn't ever really happen with us and still won't now, even though I have asked to get that kind of connection between us. Thing is, I've seen her do it now, so I know that she can, but she just hasn't done it with me. I feel really sorry for you. I've seen her do it now, so I know that she can, but she just hasn't done it with me.

I feel really sorry for you. I feel like there is nothing worse than catching someone cheating and doing that sort of behavior, and they deny it and say they've done nothing wrong. For me, that just shows that, like, there's no way to happen again. Yeah, there's no accountability, there's no remorse, there's no anything.

I feel like, look, respect you, you've stayed, you've stuck it out, you've tried. And this woman doesn't respect you. She does not respect you, she doesn't care how she is making you feel. And I really think we need to respect ourselves when someone shows you that they don't care about how their actions are making you feel. That's everything we need to know and at the end of the day I think maybe it might be time for you to start like pouring into yourself and respecting yourself more and realizing you you don't need to just put up with it because you're married to someone like yeah like he's saying like I love my family and my kids. Like, your kids are your family and they won't go anywhere. That love will still be there. Yes, you may not see them

as much as you do if you stayed in that family unit, but that's not a family unit that you should want to stay in. She's not respecting you. She's not doing anything right for you. I think it's time to call it a day. I've got a hundred percent. Yeah. I just don't think you'd ever trust her again. She's not a trustworthy person. And yeah, you can, you can do so much better. This was called the opportunist. Opportunist? Is that how you say the word? Yeah. The opportunist. Yeah. Okay. Hi girls. I've been listening to you for a couple of months now and honestly you have saved my sanity.

Here's my story. I had a baby on my own nearly two years ago. The father didn't want any involvement. My daughter was absolutely not planned, but this is the life I have been handed and I wouldn't change it for the world. She really is the light of my life. I met a man back in November. He had two children himself, seemed so genuine and I fancied the pants of him. Honestly, I've never been more attracted to someone in my whole life.

Very early on, there were so many red flags, from meeting up with his ex, turning up at my house in the middle of the night, beaten up with his two girls, the first time I met them, drinking every day and using recreational drugs. He just made me feel seen, like I never had before, and when he held me I literally melted into him. I knew there were so many things I should have run from, but as usual, I thought I could be the one that saved him, or that he would change for me. There were times I felt he was just using me for my home, car and money. He barely worked, would wake up in the afternoon when my day was nearly done, constantly demanding things, basically wanting to be mothered. I'm not that person. I want to be cared for equally. He was subtly controlling, saying, oh, why don't you wear those other jeans,

or don't be telling anyone about the conversations we have. When we first met, I'd over bleached my hair and my fringe was basically non-existent and he knew I was conscious of this as I was doing treatment on it all the time. During sex, I like it fairly rough. I don't mind my hair being pulled, but he was pulling my hair at the crown. That's weird. Hmm. Ha ha ha. After sex, so much of my hair would fall out. Fucking hair. I mean, it's not worth that, is it? La la la la la la.

Well, when I tell you my hair has doubled in thickness now it's crazy. He would also bite me hard in obvious places like my chest or neck just before a special occasion. That's fuck. Fucking weird. It's like marking his territory. On your chest. I have a little skin there. Are you lying?

Are you all like someone's chest? I mean... It's like a fucking vampire. Don't, because I find that... I don't get... Do you? Well you like vampires. I love vampire RAs, so I would not...

No, I prefer more of a warm-blooded human. If you watch the vampire RAs, you'd understand. All abusive behaviour that I just wasn't fully seeing. The straw that broke the camel's back was when I was calling him one night and he was already meant to be at mine two hours before. I was calling and texting and he was cutting my calls and leaving me unread. Eventually, a couple of hours later after I had a total breakdown he started responding to me.

I think he just enjoyed mind games. That is so bad. That's fucked up. Earlier on that evening, I was at a friend's and we were having dinner and I had put my phone in my bag. When I looked at my phone, he'd been calling and texting, but obviously I didn't have my phone at the dinner table. I think he was ignoring me because I'd ignored him. My anxiety was going through the roof all the time. He barely said how he felt, only when he was drunk. He said he loved me,

but mainly in response to me saying it. Looking back, it's so clear he was using me, but I just couldn't see it. I thought he loved me. I found out a couple of weeks after we split that he had come back to his ex, and they're still together now and clearly never stopped the contact, and that really hurt me. It's been nearly two months now, I am doing very well, I'm putting all my effort into my little girl, work and healing. I scared myself letting someone like that into my daughter's life. This was a short relationship but the impact it had on my mental health was insane. It's terrifying how quickly people can get under your skin, especially when you

are attracted to them. In a way I'm very grateful for this situation because it's made me self-reflect immensely. There's a reason I let someone in with so many red flags into my life. I won't let anyone into my life again until I love myself a hell of a lot more. Please anyone who has listened to this, do not ignore the red flags. Listen to how your body is reacting. Thank you for reading and keep up the incredible work you're helping so many people understand boundaries and self-worth. I wish I found you sooner. I've got a little update from her as well. So quick update on my situation. I went out locally for a drink after work on Saturday and

I was pulled to one side by someone my ex works with and he was really concerned because my ex has been saying horrible things about me, about my life and my daughter, things that have been completely fabricated and could damage my reputation. In the moment, especially because I'd had a drink, I rang him and gave him the third degree. He ended up semi-admitting it but saying it was a joke. Anyway, this was left and then hours later I get a message off his girlfriend, her basically saying she got the number off him, that she has no idea what's going on, has no hard feelings against me and doesn't want this to happen again in the future. I've been painted out to be this crazy ex when I haven't spoken to him since we broke up. I reply politely but bluntly making it clear I didn't want anything to do with him and wish her good luck. I'm a bit annoyed, I stooped to this level and should have not bitten back. I was doing so well,

but honestly if there were any feelings still harboring they are 100% gone now. The universe is unversing. Do you know what I feel like? Don't be so hard on yourself because I feel like there was a real valid reason why you got in touch. I feel like you felt like that need to defend your corner and also put a stop to whatever it is that he's doing. I know we always say like, you can't control what people, you know, how people tell their version of the story. But if you're actually being told that he is saying things that you quite rightly said would affect your reputation and things like that, I would have done the same. You can't stand up for yourself who will.

Yeah, I think most people would have done that. Like you said, take it as like another reason why you're not with him. Use that to help you move forward. It sounds like you're doing really well. Don't let that be viewed as a setback. I feel like if anything, that's a stepping stone forward to like, do you know what I mean? Like crossing off another reason why you're not with him. So like you said, it is sometimes scary what impact someone can have on you in such a short space of time. But I think the fact that you eventually noticed it, didn't let it drag on for years. You are able to go no contact with this person, which is amazing. Look at all the positives from it, learn from it, it's allowing you to grow. So yeah, thank you for

sending that in. And I think anyone should take on board, like whenever they have like those sort of relationships, situationships, whatever you want to call it, just take from it that there is a blessing in the breaking, Like you are then going to grow from it. Like going through that breakup at that time feels like the worst thing ever. But if you genuinely do the work on yourself, you'll realise why you need to be put through it because you are going to grow from it and then you learn from it. It's like my attitude to dating. I feel like I'm just kind of like taking it one step at a time.

And like if things go somewhere like fantastic but if they don't it's it's a lesson it's from some aspect of not being with that person you're going to learn something and I think that's really what you need to try and focus your energy on what are you taking away from that what have you learned and like you just said it's about being much more alert and not ignoring those red flags so that was your lesson that's why you had to meet that person. This is called me or the dog. The dog. I'm writing because I've hit a breaking point and I don't know what to do. Recently, my partner gave me the ultimate ultimatum. It's me or the dog. I'm done. This came after he took our dog with him

to a gardening job even though I'd asked him not to for shorter jobs. Our dog has separation anxiety. I was like, shut up. We're in a hospital. Sorry, my leg couldn't let go of me yesterday. I was going to sign a will get it, he literally like got my leg and was like, look at me, I can just imagine this dog. There's all his arms. There you go.

Our dog has separation anxiety but also has a strong fear of tools and loud noises. So going to work with my partner isn't ideal. I believe being briefly stressed at home is safer and better for him than being overwhelmed or frightened around tools and strangers. My partner disagreed and took him anyway. I offered to pay for training and he said no. I said we wouldn't train him again. My partner said no as it's too much and he hasn't got the time. My partner spends most of the day at home usually playing Fortnite or golf clubs or games on his iPad. Anything I offered he said no to. While on the job, a neighbour apparently asked if the dog was okay and when I got home at lunchtime my partner exploded. He told me that either the dog goes or he goes. And then went on to say horrible things about what he'd do to

the dog to make him suffer. Oh my god, I'd report that. He claimed the dog is the root of all our problems, but I know that's not true. The issues have been there for a long time before we had the dog. Over the years, it's always been something. First, I wasn't affectionate enough. Then it was about sex. Then the kids. Then not caring enough. Then not understanding him. Then it was my fault he doesn't have a full-time job. Then it was about me not doing enough around the house despite being a full-time teacher and now it's the dog. No matter what I do, it's never enough. Every problem somehow becomes my fault and he always makes himself out to be the victim. If I cry, I'm too emotional. If

I try to explain myself, I'm not listening or I don't care. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells just waiting for the next mood swing. We've been together 25 years. Wow. I met him when I was 15 and I'm now 40 and he's 50. I know deep down I should leave, but I'm scared. This has been my entire adult life, but I feel so stuck and so small and so unsure of what to do next. I love my dog, Dealey, but he is not the problem.

The problem is much bigger than that. I don't know if this is something that you would even cover on the podcast, but I really needed to write it down because I feel so lost. Thank you for reading. I just wanna say, like, apologies if there was, like, a bit of sensitivity at the beginning of that email.

I think it's obviously, like you said, you don't know if we'd even share something like this on the podcast. It is quite different. We've had emails before where we've had, like, people saying about how they co-parent with a dog. And I guess we find it hard sometimes to relate to that like actual co-parenting. Yeah. I apologize. Yeah, I just got the gig. But I feel like you said the dog isn't the problem. He is the problem. And I understand that because you've been with him for so long, the thought of not being with him

is so frightening, but you're not happy anyway. At least leaving him provides you with some hope that things could get better. Nothing's going to get better with someone like this. So this way sounds like quite an aggressive person to threaten her and the dog. I'm sorry, like for me, that's a big red flag. But that just shows me like he's got some kind of like, I don't know, I feel like missing some kind of like empathy, like even to threaten it, whether or not he would actually do it. To

even threaten it and use those words for me is like, and just absolutely not acceptable. I think that he's threatening with an animal like, is there some kind of aggression? I wonder if it's also like purely these issues like for me, I feel like that's just like the way it's come out in terms of it's me and dog. I feel like there must be another buildup of other things that are going on and instead if it's not that it's like,'s like- Yeah, so I just feel like as well, you writing in, I think you know what you should do, but it is really hard taking that leap and actually leaving, like-

I don't know if this is unfair for me to say, because I'm not saying that people can't change once they get to a certain age, but the fact that you've been together for that long and he's a 50 year old man, I think it's very hard to change habits that had been allowed. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not for a second saying you've enabled the behaviour, but staying with someone that has, by the sounds of it, always been this way. But staying with someone that has, by the sounds of it, always been this way, I think it's very hard for someone like that to break old habits unless they really, really want to and he doesn't sound like the type.

So I think you need to weigh up the situation. This is my life with him. Nothing's going to change. If you want change, you need to leave. Yeah. And that's where it comes down to, do you know what I mean? Keep us updated please. Do this one. Where do I go from here? I've been with your podcast right from the early days and funny enough it was my ex who sent me your first

episode as it really resonated with him and why he felt he had to leave. Interesting. I'm not sure what advice I'm after as I'm pretty sure that I know what I need to do and how to heal but I'm hoping writing all this down will help me process what has happened to me and how I can move forward. Let's go to April 2022 when everything changed. We were on holiday and whilst driving home my ex's dad tried to commit suicide. He died two weeks later of his injuries. It was like a bomb went off in our family. Everything changed and it changed my ex forever. Saying the next 18 months were hard would be an understatement but I did what I could.

I gave him whatever he needed. I let him do whatever he wanted, I never put pressure on him and I did everything I could to make him happy. I went to the bottom of the pile during that period as he had to step up for his mum and his brother and I made sure that he never had to worry about me or the kids and I took care of everything. In all honesty I think I made myself disappear and he forgot about me. It was lonely, he never spent evenings with me, he would go to bed straight after, if not before the kids went to bed. Wow. We never did anything special,

and I did most of the things like seeing extended family and doing stuff with the kids on my own. In October, 2023, he said he was starting therapy to deal with his dad's stuff. I really encouraged it and was proud of him for making the steps. And after his third session in February, 2024, I asked him how his session went and he said he'd talk to me later. I thought nothing of it until he came downstairs after the kids were in bed. Whilst I was playing with the puppy, he

had bought me three months earlier from my birthday and he told me it was over and he was done. I really didn't see it coming. I was fully aware we were in a tough place, but for me there was always enough love there to try and make it work, and it never occurred to me that we would finish. After considering what we had been through, I thought a tough time was completely normal. He didn't want to try anything, he said no to everything I suggested, and he wouldn't consider trying to fix it. He said some terrible things which have stayed with me. He stayed for the kids, he wasn't attracted to me anymore, he things which have stayed with me. He stayed for the kids, he wasn't attracted to me anymore, he wasn't in love with me anymore. The only reason

we were together so long was because of the kids. We have nothing in common and we've been broken for years. Wow. Hold on, did she say that she listened to an email of ours which... Like the first ever I saw. Made him realise he needed to leave. All stuff which knocked my already shaky confidence and self-esteem. Side note, he never told me he loved me or that I ever looked nice, probably because he didn't actually think either of those things. It felt so unjust because I was

never given a say as to the end of the relationship that I was in for 15 years. I never got a chance to change or fix anything because he never told me the relationship was in danger until we decided it was over. That's really difficult. Yeah, that really is. He took a long time to leave, a whole five months of living together pretending for the kids, but he left and I was okay after the initial shock. Because of how separate we were, the day to day didn't change that much, I relate to that so much. And the kids were amazing and adapted to the new routine quickly. I was doing so much more socially and there's so many benefits to being on your own. I saw such a difference in the kids and I didn't have to manage their behavior

to keep someone else happy in our house. When the three of us were together, it was just fun and happy. Generally we were lucky and for the next year, we got on well and we did spend a lot of time together with the kids and sometimes without. People found it strange, but we were okay with it. I do think it massively benefited the kids,

us being in a good place. From the outside, it did in a good place. From the outside it did look like we were in each other's pockets. We spent Christmas together and had a little holiday the four of us. We were living in the bubble, which was always going to pop. I didn't protect myself enough from the damage when it came. Fast forward to May 2025 and everything is changing and I am really struggling. Our family home has sold and I am financially really going to struggle to buy something suitable where I live on my own. The stress of the sale and the loss I feel for losing my family home over a decision

that I didn't make is crushing me. He had a large inheritance so he is not feeling it the same way I do. He has moved out for nearly a year so I don't think he has the same emotional attachment on the house that I still do. We were not married so I have no claim here and I don't want any as he only has it because he lost his dad. He's also taken the kids away on holiday and it's the longest I've ever been away from them and I'll find it really tough not having them here with me. But what has really floored me is that he has met someone else and I've found out by pure chance. I had to track my phone off the kid's iPad as I couldn't find it and my son,

who was at school, had left his phone in his dad's car and lo and behold there it was, trapped and not where he said he was and it didn't take long to figure out why he was there. He lied about where he was until I called him out on him and he then admitted it that he was seeing someone and that he didn't tell me to protect my feelings as it was early days. But it honestly broke me. I felt exactly how I felt when he ended things. I couldn't eat and I couldn't sleep. I think because we were so close and still very much entangled in each other's lives that it felt like I had lost him all over again. I also cannot abide being lied to. I, and after I found it, more lies were uncovered. He changed plans with his kids to see her and that was a line I was furious that he had crossed. He lied to

save my feelings, he told me, and it was such early days he felt that I didn't need to know. Which may be true, but it made me question everything. We even went away as a family whilst he was seeing her. I feel like this is where lines get really blurred when you don't distinguish between separate lives. My eldest then found out three days later he was out with his dad and he messaged me to say, why is daddy messaging, insert girl's name, a heart emoji so much? I don't know who she is, but I feel her presence. And it hurts to know that when he falls off the face of the planet and I don't

hear from him for 12 hours, it's probably because he is with her. I hate the sick to my stomach feeling it gives me. Just going to stay on that point, not hearing from him for 12 hours. Like the fact that that's a problem for you when you've been living on me. Just gonna say on that point, not hearing from him for 12 hours. The fact that that's a problem for you when you've been living out of heart for a year is not at all... Yeah, I go like, we don't really message to be honest. It's only literally like, I've messaged him today to ask what time he's dropping the kids back.

And I've messaged him today to ask how the kids are because he's got them. Otherwise, I wouldn't have messaged him. Yeah. So I think that's definitely something you have to work on. I know why it hurts so much, there are no boundaries whatsoever. Okay, so you know, I still gave him access to all of me and I was just opening myself up to the heart. I feel like you've just slowed down the process of healing

because he's been such a big part of your life. I don't even know what my question is, I'm just hoping writing it down will somehow ease the lump in my throat when I see him. I think this is one of the last verse that I was totally unprepared for. I think I kid myself, kidded myself that I was in a better place than I was. I do not want him back, I know this to be true, but maybe I just wanted to keep him for myself a little bit longer. I think there is a difference in being told and finding out accidentally. It isn't just me though. I say to myself, no messaging today and I only speak on a need to know basis and he goes out his way to draw me back in. If I see him and he can tell I am trying to

be unemotional or look sad, he will do things to make me laugh like he used to and make it just be normal with him. Spur. He is doing the work, he's still in therapy, so he will probably be a much better partner to her than he ever was to me, which only adds to the why was I never worthy enough and why is he willing to do it for someone else and not for me. He just seems so okay, looks well and seems happy, like it was me and the kids who were holding him back from being happy and dropping us was all he needed to do all along. I do want him to be happy but it is a punch in the gut that he is happier without us. I want to be happy too and I just don't know how to get there. I know he technically has done nothing wrong

but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. Thank you for reading." I think you are obviously very aware of why you are in the place that you're at at the moment. I feel like there is that massive fine line when you separate from your husband or the father of your kids. When you keep majority of your life the same, but you're just living separately, he is pretty much capable of having the best of both worlds. He managed to separate from you, still had the family days when he wanted, still had the communication with you, probably realising that that's stopping you from moving on or finding anyone, but in the meantime he's gone and done it himself. He didn't need to tell you about her. You had no right to... like I don't

personally see it as him lying to you if I'm being completely honest. I feel like he's doing what he wanted to do to move on which he has the right to because you're not together but you probably feel slightly blindsided because I think you're still living a bit of a fairy tale in your head Now is the time to set some serious boundaries not just to yourself, but the way that he then Interacts with you like when you said when you're feeling sad or something and then he treats you like tries to make you laugh But like like he is still your person and that is not okay. That is where you need to be drawing a line. What you're going through is hard. I can't

imagine because I know in the past that we say a lot, they haven't changed for that person. They're still going to do exactly the same that they did to you to him. And I guess this is a slightly different situation that he never, Look, he's going to therapy and you think he's going to be a better partner to this person. And he may be, but you need to hold on to what he was like when you were with him. The fact that he wasn't able to communicate anything to you and he was happy just to drop you like that shows in my eyes the type of person he is and you deserve better so I think you need to maybe remove him off a pedestal because you're like he didn't do anything wrong well

actually he did that was disrespectful that is not what you would want your partner of 50 million years to do to you I would recommend getting my healing journal I think you need it I feel like you need some guidance in what to do to you, I would recommend getting my healing journal. I think you need it. I feel like you need some guidance in what to do to start doing the right things to moving forward. Yeah. What are you thinking? Yeah, I think we've said it before, but I think it's really easy to obsess like how is the other person like doing so much better than me? How do they seem happy? I just want to be happy.

But when we become so obsessed with someone else's progress or their life or how they're managing to move on and be happy and not struggle in the same way, we actually restrict ourselves from moving forward ourselves. And I think you need to be really selfish and focus on you doing the work on you and you focusing on your growth. What are you going to take away from it? What are you going to do now? Like you said, you feel like you've got no self-worth. Go away and get that self-worth. Go away and do the work to work on yourself to realise how amazing you are and actually get to a point where

you're like, do you know what? You actually don't deserve me anymore. I'm deserving of so much more. I'm a completely different person. Like, I feel like I relate to a lot of this situation and it is really hard when the person you're with, with someone else and you do think God like, he's gonna be such a better person for this person. But I'm at the point now where I feel like I've gone away and done so much work on myself. Like, actually that person doesn't get access to this version of me. Like that person's not lucky enough to have access or to experience who I am now. And I think you need to really go away

and start falling in love with who you are. And focusing on a completely new chapter, setting firm boundaries. Like you don't need to be messaging him every, well, it sounds like 12 hours was a big struggle. Yeah, struggle. So set those boundaries. Like you don't need to be messaging him every, well it sounds like 12 hours was a big struggle. Yeah, a struggle. So set those boundaries. You do not need to be messaging him. Like you need to have those boundaries in place and start living completely separate lives and maybe having that wake up call that you aren't together anymore. And I'm sorry if this sounds really brutal, but sometimes you need it. Like I think when

people's lives are too intertwined with each other, A, it's confusing for the kids as well, going away in my opinion. I understand some people do it. Personally, I think it sends relatively mixed messages and I think it's a very different situation when people do get partners and then that changes. So it's not going to be something that's consistent. I think that's confusing. Like for me, my life is,

they lead two completely separate lives and that's just how they've had it. And I think to a degree it's probably better for them because that's all they've known since a very young age. So yeah, for me, it's really about boundary setting. Do you know what? I actually must say that I relate to something that you said. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, while we were together, I massively pushed him to see

a therapist. And he started therapy once we broke up. This was like when we were sort of still like back and forth from will we get back together and will we not? And it was one of the things that I think that he did for himself but I feel like he also made a point to do it for us. And I remember finding it so difficult thinking to myself like I've gone and pushed him to make himself better, someone else. And it took me a long time to be okay with that because I thought I wanted him to be better with me. But then I think once I did the work on myself,

I think I realized, regardless of what work he does, I was then doing enough work on myself to realize that actually we were never gonna be aligned however much work he was gonna do on himself because I needed things that he wasn't able to provide for me. And I think like what Carly said, if you start really doing the work on yourself, I think eventually you'll realize that it doesn't matter if he is going to be a better partner for that other woman. I still don't think he would have maybe ever been right for you. It doesn't mean that she's better than you.

You're unique, but I think it's all about like where you are. Like you do the growth, you outgrow who he is. I think like we focus so much on other people, like you outgrow who you were, you become better. I don't know, I just think like life is about becoming the best version of yourself and evolving and like I think you need to outgrow who he is. Yeah, that's my advice. Okay, product of the week. So I'm gonna share something that I've had for a while

because whenever I talk about it on my Instagram, people go wild for it. So if you're not actually watching and you're just listening, I have got a smartwatch. It is, I think it looks like an Apple watch. Yeah, it pretty much looks slightly bigger base, but you would not know. Gold chain.

Chain and strap, sorry. And it tracks my steps. It is, you can connect it to your phone. I've just chosen not to because I feel like I'm on my phone enough. I don't need something else to link me to my phone. I use it purely for my steps. It can track your sleep.

It's 20 pound. It is so good. So for those that want something that looks a bit nicer than those black straps, but they don't want to pay for an Apple watch, this is amazing. We are going to start linking our products of the week on our Instagram page, on the podcast Instagram.

Maybe we'll make a little highlight as well. Yeah. So yeah, that's my product of the week. All right let's do a profession. This is my confession. When my ex-husband decided to call it quits on our life together because he owned the property, I moved out of our home and I went back to my parents. He'd really bad insomnia and I would use a machine that played a noise to help him sleep. Ick, I know. When he left me when we had a three week old baby and I was constantly back and forth to our old home, these were days before ring doorbells.

My ex wouldn't know the right or wrong end of a screwdriver, so I would go to our house and unscrew the plug to take the fuse out of his sleep machine. I then, after a couple of weeks, would sneak in and put it back in and then take the fuse out of the kettle or the toaster. This went on for six months, at least with different appliances. Oh, that is so petty. In the end, he ended up calling an electrician out, who also didn't know what the fuck was going on. Never trust a scorned woman with a screwdriver. That is hilarious. You're right. Right, affirmation of the week. I am worthy of working on myself and developing into the best version of me. Like, I think

we should all be going on these self-development journeys. I think we should all be striving to do better, be better. Even if you're in a happy relationship. Oh yeah. If you're listening to this and you are happily married. It's all about that grow together type of language. 100%. 100%.

Love that. Have a great week guys. Please go review. And leave a review. Go subscribe on YouTube. Share it with a friend. Like, the more we grow, the more we can do, the more we can travel, the more of you we can meet.

So Australia, we're coming. Yeah, yeah. Love you, I love you, bye.