Not As We Planned - 94. A Massive Orange Dildo

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

When your boyfriend has an issue with your baby daddy, an update from a man whose wife cheated, the massive orange dildo, and proof that no consequences means no changesLink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

ACAS powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Sabrina Dellen, CEO of the Samara Center for Democracy. I know our democracy is under threat and believe me, I understand the stakes. But I also know something else to be true. When we focus on how we're connected, we find the power to act, to strengthen what's working, and to fix what's not. This is what's behind the Samara Center's new podcast. It's called Group Chat, and it's where we bring people together to make sense of what's happening in our democracy.

I've just added you to Group Chat. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and make sure to follow us so you know when our first episode drops. ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. ACAST.com. Hey guys, hi, you're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to Not As We Plan. We hope you are well and excited for today's episode. And we're dressed in winter in June. Happy England! It's like a bit muggy, so you're a bit muggy, Mae. A bit muggy. What's the news? Just got back from a really lovely weekend away

with the eight of us, which was really nice. I really recommend where we went. Like it was, although it was a spa. It's a bit of a question for me to ask. I did though. I don't know if I can get a date in before summer. We'll see. Do you know what, the best way to describe it,

I feel like it's a cross between like Soho Farmhouse and like a more up-market centre park. Okay. It was so nice. So we had a four bedroom lodge, which was perfect for the eight of us. And I think what also is good, even if you go in like groups to just adults, every bedroom had an ensuite. I feel like you're not going to show. Yeah. Yeah.

And then we had like our own hot tub and the lodge that we had had like a cute little private beach as well over a lake. It was just really gorgeous. We all got bikes. We did activities. The food was lovely. It is self-catering, but you can get food there as well. So we took loads of food with us. I made the pasta bake for the kids one night,

ate out one night. And yeah, it was really nice. I think at first I was a bit nervous because you never know what the, how these things are gonna play out. It's the longest that the kids have all been together and yeah it was yeah I can't complain it was a really really wholesome weekend so yeah that's me what about you? Nothing really. No nothing to share. No, no, no, no. Look, I'm just... Rolling with it.

Rolling with it. Been on a few dates. And yeah, it's actually one thing I was going to talk about and it's really, really interesting. So I had therapy this week and yeah, I have been on a few dates with someone, there's nothing to report. It's just fun and nice and interesting. But one thing I feel like we've spoken about quite a lot in terms of like bare minimum stuff like this, it's really, really interesting. So just like a bit of food for thought because it's something that I've been like kind of

reading a lot into this week and speaking about in therapy. And I see we put a lot of pressure on things like a good morning text and stuff like that. And I used to think like that's my bare minimum like if he can't even text me good morning. And actually what I've started to realise is that is such like, I don't know, I feel like for some people it's just such a nothingy thing. Like it's so low effort. We were talking about like one guy could literally be sending a good morning text to like five different girls. Like it doesn't have any substance behind it. It's just doing something for the sake of it. And I was certainly guilty of in It's just doing something for the sake of it. And I was certainly guilty of in my last relationship,

oh my God, like it's eight o'clock and he still hasn't texted me good morning and being really harp about this thing. And I think the thing about the guy I'm currently speaking to, he's slightly older than me. He's not, I don't feel like, and this is what I'm noticing actually when I'm going on dates with older men is then they're less tied to their phone than younger men.

And he's like, he said to me, it's like, I don't really love texting. I'd much prefer to like pick up the phone and call. And I feel like our conversations, what are we having like one, two hour phone calls or FaceTimes. And I feel like that has been so much more intempful in terms of trying to build a connection and getting to know each other.

Then just like communication that's not got any depth to it. And I've seen so much online about how we can often misinterpret like texting throughout the day, like particularly in the early stages of getting to know someone as then being really interested. But it's so surface level and then you actually end up kidding yourself into this idea that you'll build a connection, but the depth of the conversation isn't anything and yeah, it's really, really interesting. I'll share some stuff. I'll speak about this maybe next week again, but I wanted to save some stuff to share, but I've just found it really interesting. And I think I've been particularly reflective this week about it is I feel like the pressure of

constantly texting is something I used to feel like I needed. And I think that's certainly because I used to be quite anxiously attacked. And actually it wasn't it. now I'm looking back, I'm like, I didn't need, the only reason I needed that was to feel like I wasn't going to be left, to feel like they were still interested. And actually that's all my own insecurity. And I don't know, I'm feeling really differently this time around. It's very clear this man is quite interested in me. We've got a very good, like, there's a lot of humour, like, and he's doing all the right, like, planned dates, like, we've got, we know when we're seeing each

other or we know when, or whatever it is. And I'm just looking at it really differently. And I feel like, I will admit it, like, I used to be the person who'd be like, oh my God, he hasn't texted me in like two hours, like, he's at work, but like, why hasn't he even thought of me? And again, that's like my ego speaking. That was like a thing like, I've really realized like, that's not healthy in a relationship. I was so anxious and I had, and I think I cut it out last time I spoke about this, but I had a lot of anxiety in my last relationship and I don't think it was necessarily anything. I don't think it was necessarily anything, I don't think it was necessarily help

by the person I was with, but I also think a lot of that was on my lack of self-worth and my lack of self-confidence and feeling like I constantly needed to be chosen and prioritized and honestly, like stepping back and looking back now, I don't need that constant reassurance and it's really

nice not stressing about my phone. And I feel like I'm much more focused on my work and my day. And I saw something else like you shouldn't in the first like however many days, you shouldn't expect someone to be constantly texting you. They should be off living their life doing the things that you're actually attracted to about them, like their ambition and their job, like their hobbies. Like those are the things you're pulled towards this person for. And it's weird if they suddenly stop and they're like on their phone messaging the whole time. So yeah, just like for anyone listening who is in the early stages of dating and does feel like that anxiety, if they're like waiting on text, they're like,

it's been six hours. Like the biggest thing for me is to step back and just sit in that discomfort. Like, it will feel uncomfortable if you're used to being like, quite reliant on that. I definitely was in my last relationship. And that's been really, really interesting for me. Yeah, it's...

So, Christian, so would you say now you don't care for a morning text? No. It doesn't mean anything. Like, for me, I agree with most of what you said, but for me I feel like if it's something that is so simple, easy to do and you like it, why not have it? But then, I don't know, you can. I guess it depends on what does that offer you? Like, actually for me... He's woken up and the first thing he's thought of is that's an ego thing.

Or is it just nice? No, I'm not saying it's not nice. I just, I don't feel like, I feel like I needed that before. Oh, see I like it. It's nice. I just don't feel like I need anything like that right now. Who knows? Like if and when I get in a relationship it might be different.

But I'm talking about in the early stages of dating, I don't feel, yeah, just it's really, really interesting. I'll try and share some of the links. There's some really, really interesting psychologists and stuff who speak a lot about it. Actually, you know, speaks about it. Like it's our fave, Sabrina. Oh, she's like, I've seen stuff that she has shared before about like getting too much in your head

and thinking that they're not interested because they're not good at texting. That bit I understand. She talks all about it. A bit about like not needing that constant conversation throughout the day, completely agree. But I feel like for me anyway, I like a morning text. I know my boyfriend likes a morning text.

It was just something that was always done. Yeah, I think it's different. But I think what is really allowing me to do is reflect on what I was like in my relationship. And like I said to you, like how I felt like when I went through my breakup, weirdly my anxiety disappeared. And I think a lot of that was anxious attachment, probably both sides, but also like very unhealthy things that I feel like patterns and things.

We've all so jinked it. You say, and I remember you saying something about like, he wasn't very good at communicating if and when he'd be busy and maybe if he was better at that. Yeah. I'm not saying like I know that you said you had an anxious attachment style but sometimes he'd like just he'd just go and sometimes I feel like maybe it's nice to be like babe I'm going into a meeting I've got a really busy day today but I'll speak to you later

and then you'd feel fine. Yeah that but also what I'm realizing now is I actually, I quite like being able to just get on with my day. Yeah. I've worked like, I found, I used to get so distracted by my phone. I feel like I'm being so productive at the moment because I'm not like, oh, it's like,

I'm mostly talking in the evenings or like there have been a few days, like, and look, it's nothing at the moment. It's not nothing, but I'm just, it's just experience. Like I already said to him, like, if this doesn't go anywhere, I would feel like I've learned so much about myself. And I really feel like whatever it is right now

is actually gonna really push me to grow and like, I don't know, evolve with how I, I guess you're not so codependent. No. Like, both our previous relationships, I feel like we were very codependent. I'm so realizing that I've kind of perhaps got a little bit too independent.

Mm-hmm. And that might change. It might change, but yeah, I've just found it really interesting because I always thought I would be that person who's like, oh my God, like, he's not texting me this morning, like, what does that mean? And I did used to be that person that would like overthink anything, even if it was like a bit later than usual, oh my God, what's happened?

Like, and I think having that and like one of the things I've seen is like, if you start doing that early on and like people go big early on and then like there's a change in it because it's not sustainable, whatever it might be, then that sets off like something in you that it's like a natural thing that your body's really sensitive to change, particularly a change of energy. I know I'm really sensitive to a change of energy. And then it sets off that fight or flight mode

and that is really big for anxiety. So I think for me, it's really been interesting because it's no been interesting because like it's no secret that my last relationship I threw myself in headfirst like it just went from zero to like a hundred really quickly and I'm going so slow. I don't know if it will go anywhere but I don't it doesn't matter at this point it's just really nice to know I am learning and yeah it was just a bit of food for thought really. Let's start with this one. This one is called Boyfriend Has Issues

About My Ex. Okay. Okay. Hi Tash and Carly. I hope you're well. I've been a podcast follower right from the beginning and I'm a Patreon member and have joined a few Zooms too. Love that. Hey girl. I actually think I recognize your name. Maybe you both can help me with the issue. I met a guy on Christmas day who I met 15 years ago on my cousin's wedding. He's my cousin's brother-in-law. So my cousin introduced us. So she's been trying to matchmake us for years. We hit it off really well. He always had a thing for me even those years ago, but I was in a relationship then with my ex-husband. But I wasn't married then and didn't pursue anything then

with my new boyfriend as I'm loyal. Some background. I'm now divorced with a four-year-old child, single mom I was cheated on from my ex-husband when I was pregnant and I've healed a lot and worked on myself and I'm so much stronger now than I was. I have no feelings for my ex-husband at all and we're actually in a good place now and civil

and only communicate regarding our daughter. My boyfriend is divorced too but no kids. He'd been cheated on by his ex-wife and an ex-girlfriend. Everything was good with us. The connection, intimacy is amazing and the best I've ever had. Then I noticed every time that we were together he would drink alcohol and he would tell me it was... so he was lively every time we were together. I thought this was an odd thing and told him that I didn't want him to change how he was when we were together as I loved him for who he is but he continued to drink. A few months later I introduced my daughter to him. He doesn't have children but he is amazing with her and she loves him too. But he would drink around her too so I questioned

it and then it came out that the reason he drank so much around me is because I co-parent with my child's dad. He has trust issues. He wouldn't like it when I had to message my ex to see if my child was okay when she was with her dad or when I'd leave him to go home for my little one to come back home. He didn't like the fact that I'd meet my child's dad. a little, for my little one to come back home. He didn't like the fact that I'd meet my child's dad. My relationship with her dad is so civil now. We only talk about the best interest of our little one. I have no ill feeling towards him now as I feel happy in myself now and I'm a great mum. He wants a future with me, but I feel like he doesn't trust me. I recently went to a friend's wedding and he was invited

to come with me, but he didn't as he felt like we're not in a good place but whilst I was there he ended up drinking. Sorry, at home. In my head I was thinking how's he had the word in drinking? I asked him to cut down the drinking which he has. He has started therapy to work on himself, stopped drinking for now, he still smokes weed but has said he will cut down with this too in time. We have tried no contact so he can work on himself and for him to realise if this is what he really wants with me or if he should be with someone who is single and doesn't have a child. He is also 42 so not young. I'm in a good place with my child's dad, so I've told him that I'm not compromising and he has to accept that this is how I am maintaining

contact with him, with my child, so she can see him and me in a healthy relationship. We keep going back and forward with contact and then no contact as he's not sure if he can deal with me having to communicate with my child's dad. Do you think I should maintain contact while he gets help with therapy or just stop contact between us? Thank you guys. You've been such a big help to me so much. I wouldn't be where I am today without you two.

I'm sorry, but if you're getting into a relationship with a parent who's got a child, you're going to have to presume that in most circumstances, they co-parent. And if you can't handle that, you shouldn't be with someone with kids. I don't think you should cut contact at all. I don't think at the end of the day, like you've said, you're in contact with the parent for the best interests of your child. So I feel like by cutting that contact, you're actually putting your child's best interests. I don't think she's talking about contact with the exit. She's talking about contact with him.

She's saying, should I cut contact with him and let him do the work or keep it in touch while he's doing the work and going to therapy? I mean, I know my opinion. Don't need your opinion. I think that you should get rid. He sounds like an absolute waste of space. Sounds a bit controlling.

He also sounds like he's got an alcohol problem. Why is he drinking around your child? It's completely unnecessary. I say quit while you're ahead and draw the line. You don't need someone to be telling you what you should and shouldn't do with your co-parentation. If you were doing something that was inappropriate, that he really had a right of voicing how special he is. that he really had a right of sort of voicing how, about all three. Yeah, you're not, you're literally talking to him about your child. I would say, end it. Sorry, I think it's weird.

I think it doesn't sound right for you and take it as a lesson. As the end of the day, you're trying. He's going to leave us some kind of issue. Yeah, he's been cheated on. I understand that. I also really relate when you want someone to go and do the work and you want to like stick by them while they

do it and it's really great that he's going to therapy and you might be sitting there thinking that, oh, but I don't want him to go and do all the work and then he goes and becomes better for someone else. I don't think someone like him should be with someone that has a co-parenting relationship with someone else. So I think, yeah, call it a day. Okay, we actually have an update. If you remember, I think it was on a main episode, and a guy wrote in and his wife went away with her female friend. The one that slurred her with a pint of milk. Yeah, it was the main episode.

So yeah, basically we flirt with anything. It's like she gaslit him about like going away. And then it turned out she'd slept with her friend numerous times. We have a little update. Oh, from him, yeah. Mm, okay. I noticed you'd included this in the podcast. Thank you.

I thought I'd offer some clarity and a short update as to where we are currently. We are in our forties, we do have children, two of them in fact, I'm not overly worried about not seeing them often as I don't believe my wife, for the moment, would be awkward about that side of things. My wife had explored sexually with a woman many years before we met, So I knew there was a time she had been interested in that side of things previously. I am terrified of splitting the family up and that's where I wonder if I should just grin and bear it. I'm a very active dad in the fact that I have always done a lot with our children. It scares me that I wouldn't see them every day as I have done. My wife has been apologetic.

Bare minimum. And taken responsibility for the events and not in any way tried to like- Once she got called by the way, just putting it out there. Didn't tell you what happened the months before. Yeah. The night out. And not in any way tried to lay it on me.

She knows the damage it's done. However, even so, as you mentioned, I'm having a real struggle being able to trust her to go anywhere. Tesco's. Tesco's. Not Tesco, love. Poof.

But work and also work events nights out because they work together. I mean, they go to work now. I didn't know they worked together. It feels like I'm on high alert a lot of the time. Right, and we should not have to be in this fight or flight state. It's unhealthy.

I'm also, as you said, worried about anyone now. If she makes a new friend, I'm wondering why she likes them. I can't see a day where I'm going to be able to trust her to go away on holiday and still feel uncomfortable about her going out. Not a way to live. And strange as it sounds, it's not fair on her to need to live that way. Don't agree. Make your bed, hon. Yeah. We are about 11 months into trying to work on it and some days have been much better but even my good days are often played with an intrusive thought of what if this happens in the future. And that is the problem with staying with someone who cheats on you.

I think the hurdles are, as you said, the gaslighting and ignorance and then still go on that holiday and not take steps to avoid that person. Also the apartment she stayed at whilst her friend was getting busy had other men there, one of whom had tried his luck with my wife the previous night. So there are many things for me to consider with that. She swears nothing happened with the man but had given him her number because he wanted to call her to make sure she was okay after being left for the second time. I sincerely wish it was a terrible soap drama storyline, but it's been hell.

I still love her and having the family, but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to get past it. Can I say something? And I really don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you only know what you know. Who knows that there's not other stuff? Like you've said, you've had some good days, but then you have those intrusive thoughts. It's been 11 months.

Nothing's going to change. Nothing will change until you make that change. You're not in a trusting relationship. So you need to decide whether that's enough for you. And I don't think it will be enough for you. I think that how you're feeling now is going to be no different in three years down the line if you're with her But three years down the line without her you could be in a loving relationship with someone else your kids being shown What a true happy relationship looks like I just don't think it's a fair on you

And I mean the fact they were even saying you don't think it's fair on her Well, maybe it's not fair on her like you are gonna constantly be living on edge every time she goes to work which is five days a week or whenever it I don't know I just feel like I understand it is hard to walk away from your family I get it I was person. But it was quite honestly the best thing that I ever did. Not just for me, but for my kids as well. For, yeah, I want to come and shake you. Gotta be honest. It is so unhealthy to be living in fight or flight. And that is exactly the state your

body is in at the moment. To live with that constant anxiety, you see her leaving for work, you see her coming home a little bit later, she's made a new friend, like that's not a healthy way to be living and worrying and look, at the end of the day, we're not responsible for other people's actions. She's chosen to behave this way, she's chosen to betray you. And not, not, and raise the lunch. Yeah, and she's chosen to put that on the line. And I really think maybe you need to step back and actually like give yourself the respect. Like you deserve to be respected.

She's only told you this stuff because... Why, she'd like, Tash said like you don't know everything. She's probably hiding a lot more from you. And yeah, I would just honestly, that the scariest thing is taking the leap, but I promise you there's hundreds and thousands of us who do it daily, who have done it and have made the change and are so much happier.

And I genuinely believe that could be the same for you. I think it's, unfortunately, it's that short-term pain for long-term gain. Leaving a relationship, that's exactly what it is. And I feel like you're saying that you're, you don't want to break up your family. She did that, not you. You're just making a decision based on her actions.

And I think that it is maybe time to take that leap, however scary it may be. But thank you for updating us. Please keep us updated. Yeah, I think, I think deep down down you know what you need to do. Otherwise, I don't think you would have emailed again. So this is called Embarrassing Moment. Love it. Yeah.

We want more. Hey girls, I thought I would fill you in on my story. So I work as a care assistant and I was in a lady's house who's wheelchair bound. I'm not, I don't want to be mean but she's an absolute wagon. What does she mean? I don't know. I've never heard, I've never heard of that saying. I mean she's on wheels so does she mean... The eagle wag... what's the... wagon wheel What he made if someone says... Like a duke and all that. No.

Like... Here's a show that we recommend. Hi, I'm Sabrina Dellen, CEO of the Samara Center for Democracy. I know our democracy is under threat, and believe me, I understand the stakes. But I also know something else to be true. When we focus on how we're connected, we find the power to act, to strengthen what's working and to fix what's not. This is what's behind the Samara Center's new podcast. It's called Group Chat, and it's where we bring people together to make sense of what's happening in our democracy.

I've just added you to Group Chat. Listen wherever you get your podcasts and make sure to follow us so you know when our first episode drops. Acast helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. It means they're good. No, it doesn't. Generally, I'm really in disruption.

I don't think that's what she means, okay? Anyway, anyway, she asked if I would change her bedcoats. Yeah, no problem. In I thought, loving life, being a kind, caring person, stripping her bed, I lift up the duvet cover and what dropped out? The biggest dildo I have ever seen. I need an image. I'm like in a massive panic. What the fuck? How does this work? What do I do? I can't leave her on the floor. She can't pick it up. I don't want to touch it. I have to pick it up. I feel sick. So I go to pick it up and the fucking thing knocks on and it inrows the wagon and starts screaming, what are you doing with my dildo? As if I'm the one using the thing! Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. She starts going off on one, giving me loads. I'm just standing there with a gigantic orange vibrating dildo in my hand and I don't know what the goddamn to do. Big red head on me. I swear I wanted the ground to swallow me whole. I handed her the giant vibrating orange dildo and evacuated the building. I never returned.

I'm still embarrassed. I just want to crawl into the fetal position until it leaves my brain. Have a better day than me ladies. I want an ab workout. Love you. Oh, I feel like it's really big. I've been trying. Why was it orange?

She doesn't lose it. I can't breathe. Oh, that is. I want more stories like that. That area. I literally look like I want more stories like that. That area. I literally look like I've been crying my eyes out. That was...

That sounds interesting. I can't. I can't breathe. Right, hang on. I need to compose myself. It's the way she's like... And the wagga. She's like, your wagga.

And that, and the wagga. And listen, he just changing his seat. Whipping it off and be like, holy f**ker. Right, oh, right. Sorry, I get the giggles and I can't stop. Okay, my husband has been a repeat offender for texting the same woman. I mean, how rich are you? Hi, I love your podcast. It helps me so much.

I wonder if I could get your opinion on my situation, which to say the least is confusing. My husband is in the military, so he's only home at weekends. We've been together 14 years, married for what will be nine years next week, two children, four and five years. I'm so confused if I should leave him or not. Bit of a backstory, around three years ago, he had to go and work for the ambulance service. So he was only coming home one day out of the week. At the time I had two kids under two and working full time. That's hard.

Yeah. When I noticed a change in his social media usage, et cetera, putting stories on and I knew it was for someone's benefit. So I checked his phone. Horrible when you get that feeling, don't you? It's a change, a change in behavior is such, it's how you think about other things. It's a change in behavior, it's a change in patterns, anything that sends your body into like,

hi, Ler, it sends it into a panic. And I knew it was for someone's benefit, so I checked his phone and lo and behold knew it was for someone's benefit so I checked his phone and lo and behold there was a message to a girl he was fucking with. Another one. The message seems friendly but possibly moving towards crossing a line. I told my husband I did not think it was appropriate especially as we were not in the best of places because of the stress and strains of life with two kids under two. We had a bit of a row but he agreed with me. The week after I asked if he had been messaging her and he said no. I said, well, you won't mind me checking as I can get deleted messages back. And this

is when he said he had in fact been messaging her again, but there was nothing to it. It was just friendly. Friend. You're always releasing it. Look, Friend. We had a bigger argument but decided that we should move on. He would unfollow her on social media and not follow her again or message her. The job was coming to an end so we wouldn't see her again. He briefly followed her again a few months after. What was briefly followed? You either followed or you didn't. What was briefly followed? I don't know, I'm reading. A few months after, she said he was curious, but we didn't really get a chance to discuss it as he was going away for four months. He unfollowed her again.

Up until last August, I thought that was the end of it, when I found messages under a different name. But it was the same girl. Fucking hell. Turns out they had been in contact for some time on and off, phone calls to her and texting. The few months up to me finding out things had escalated and they were talking on the phone, messaging and sending intimate photos. The last message I read before he deleted them was asking when they were meeting up. He swears they never have and he never would have.

I was devastated. He cried and begged for another chance, said he wasn't that happy but he loved me and wanted to make it work. A few days later I told him I was going to contact the girl's dad because she wouldn't talk to me. I told him not to bother warning her. I found out from her dad that he had in fact warned her. And this was like a knife to the heart. I

couldn't believe what was happening. He again tried and begged for forgiveness. He said it meant nothing, just an escape and attention, but he would never have gone through with anything. I was heartbroken. Sorry, I was heartbroken and felt like I was grieving a pain. I've never felt before. I felt like he stole my family life. It took a lot of my self respect to take him back and push my values away but I wanted to try for my family and I did believe he loved me. We did counselling and moved on. Once I took him back it was like the pain ended for him and I carried a deep wound but I tried to move on. A few miles later, I noticed from his block list on Facebook that he had unblocked her.

For fuck's sake. And when I questioned this, he said, it was an accident. My hand slipped. I'm telling you now, I've got enough people blocked. You can't unblock them by accident. You have to go into your block list and press unblock.

It was not an accident. I should mention he promised the world and swore on the kids lives he would never be in contact with her again. I did not feel this was enough to make me leave him but made me realise that I need to put the past behind me and fully try with him. I stopped checking his phone and moved on. We were moving on and happy. And then four weeks ago, I noticed a shifty move he did with his phone that sent alarms ringing. I check his phone, I find deleted messages again

under a different name, but the same girl. Just friendly texts, but in contact again. This is becoming a joke. When questioned, he said he did it by accident trying to block her. Hey babe, how are you? Accidentally, I'm trying to block her on Instagram. I'm trying to block her on WhatsApp. it's just like typing. Are we... Sorry. He later told me this was not an accident. Really? And he had messaged her because he was curious how things had gone.

This guy is very curious. Very curious. Curious, curious. It's like Paul from Maths. He wanted to go on that and not that most people have probably seen it but when he, never mind, he was curious. Curious? Maybe you're just a fucking whore.

Yeah, he was just curious how things had gone her end because she was said a boyfriend who I've never been able to find. I asked what they talked about and he said she asked how things are going with us. The cheek a bit, he had the audacity to discuss my marriage with powerful people. I'd already previously told him if anything happened again that that would be the end of this marriage. I'm just dumbfounded. He is once again begging and crying for me not to leave. I know I should but part of me is thinking am I overreacting? Can this be enough to break my family up? Yeah. For context, I came from a broken home and safety and stability could not be any more important to me but part of me feels

I'm being selfish choosing myself over the kids not having that family dynamic. Also I have never had any issues with my husband, we don't argue, we don't fight and he's usually very gentle and kind and this is why it's so confusing for me. As she also mentioned, she is 10 years younger than me, which makes me feel incredibly shit. Please, any advice would help. Yes, I'm happy to give you plenty of advice. I've lost count with just that email how many times he has disrespected you. Get fucking rid. Can you not see? I'm really hoping that once you hear us read this, that you will suddenly be like, wow,

I cannot believe I thought that maybe I was overreacting. He is a fucking waste of space. He is literally ignoring you, ignoring any type of respect that he has for you. And he is literally, let me do it again. Well, she won't care. I've had no consequences. Leave it a few weeks. Let's do it again.

Oh, let me cry. It was a mistake. I was curious. Do it again, do it again, do it again. When's it gonna end? It's not going to end until you end it. You said that you came from a broken home and you really want, what did you say?

Safety and stability. Is he giving you that? Are you feeling safe and stable with this man? Being married doesn't mean- Yeah, all I'm feeling is bloody on edge and unsafe. Waiting for the next time it's gonna happen because you think that's gonna be the last time, it's not. Someone doesn't reach out to ask how they're doing.

Someone doesn't reach out. I'm sorry, it's the fact for me that you've expressed something is making you feel a particular way, asking someone not to do it, and he has chosen to do it, knowing full well that he's going to hurt you. And that for me is enough. When someone doesn't hear you, when someone doesn't respect you, when someone doesn't validate you and meet your needs, that is enough reason to leave. No, he might not be crying. The crying isn't profitable. Also, like, let him cry.

He's really kind and... Cry over your river! And we don't ever argue. Right, and he's not... He's been in love. He's had an emotional affair for how many years? How many times? No, absolutely not.

Goodbye, get rid. On to the next. Okay, so we've got another update. What was... how many years, how many times? No, absolutely not. Goodbye, get rid. On to the next. Okay, so we've got another update. What was the original email? Okay, so we read this girl's email on a Patreon episode. Her husband is in the military.

And I think that he just randomly changed out of nowhere. Yeah, and like basically just said it was over. Yeah. So we've got an update. She didn't know what to do because she doesn't get the home because the military, she didn't know where she was going. I think also like he literally just like left her for four weeks.

Yeah. So like, yeah, okay. So, and then he went away. Yeah. Hi both, I just wanted to give you an update on my story. As expected, there is, was someone else in the picture Oh, yeah, because she wasn't sure and we were saying like there is my husband admitted to having relations with another woman whilst he was deployed His story goes that nothing happened with her until he ended our marriage over the

Night He said that after he did this, all they did was kiss. That's a lot of hand-holding. Yeah, I was gonna say. Remember that guy had an affair for a year, but they didn't sleep together. Yeah, that was really, really good discipline. Now, anyone with half a brain cell

will know that that isn't true. That's all that he's admitted to so far. But let's take what he has admitted to. He ends our marriage completely out of the blue, over the phone whilst he's away on the other side of the world with our five month old baby in the picture. Instead of coming home to face it, he stays and is at the least, at the very least kissing someone else and the

fucking rest, but alone is bad enough. Knowing this did bring some closure. As much as it hurt, it makes so much more sense to me now than the bullshit reason he was giving before. Since first writing to you his behaviour has only gotten worse. The level of disrespect that that man has gotten to will forever blow my mind. He's called me a fat ugly cunt. He says that no man will ever love me. He's called me a money grabbing bitch. When challenged about the affair,

he said, I wish I did it to you sooner. He said that I'm vile and always have been, and I could go on. He's shat on every aspect of my life. He's completely disregarded what I brought to our relationship and made me out to be some kind of kept woman. I have a very successful full-time career and I've always paid half the bills

and contributed to whatever I can towards other costs. With him away most of the time, I held down the family home and dealt with 100% of that side of things." Yeah, like what? How the fuck can he say any of that? He says that I settled in my career because he made me comfortable.

He had retaliated once. I retaliated once and called him a fucking snake. Of course, all these things are the polar opposite of what he said to me during our relationship. Not so long ago, he was full of pride, love and admiration. Everything that he gave willingly and freely in our relationship, he's now gone and thrown back in my face. In regards to our baby he barely asks after them. So far he's only asked after them once. I challenged him about it. He's accusing me of weaponizing our baby to get more money from him. He said that I used him to get our baby. Well yeah I guess you have to use sperm to get a baby. There. He's asked for another valuation on our house and said that it's for him to arrange. His response was, well, you're the one with the kid. The tumbleweed just rolled past after

that one. Sheesh. We wanted our baby. In fact, he was the one that initiated stopping using protection. He's completely abandoned his day-to-day parenting duties. He wasn't around much anyway due to his work but now he's chosen to vacate completely and it seems like he didn't even look back. We are currently going through divorce processes. He took five weeks to get his bank statements to me and once gave them to me I could see why he was delaying it. He's been taking legal action advice from his mates which has inevitably left him confused and frustrated as his mates are not lawyers and only give anecdotal advice. I must admit though it feels good to absolutely trump his total rubbish with cold hard legal facts.

What I have realised is that man will choose his emotional comfort over everything. Honor, dignity, the truth, accountability, consideration for others. He will always choose his own emotional comfort. I get it, he has to survive. And in order to do that, he has to make me out to be the monster and wholeheartedly believe it because how else could he live with himself? I wasn't the perfect wife or person, but I'm far cry from the person he is now trying to make me out to be. Despite everything he has done to me and put me through, I'll always stand up for the man that he was. He was good and we had a good marriage and worked for each other. He can try and

rewrite history but I will always stand in our truth. What I've realised that I'm doing and maybe this will help someone else is that I'm now enabling his behaviour. I've been giving him a platform, a stage, a microphone and I've dragged a foldable chair across the floor, unfolding it in front of him, parked my arse down and giving him an audience. It's like I got addicted to the verbal abuse and just kept going back for more no matter how much it was hurting me. Maybe it was just the disbelief, maybe I was trying to make sense of it, or maybe I was waiting for the apology. But I've realized now that the best way to deal

with people like that is to stifle them, suffocate them, stop giving them an audience. I've got three months left of my maternity leave, and even though it's not what I've dreamed of, I've tried to make the most of it. I've carried heartbreak and betrayal in one hand and my baby's hand in the other. Some days we stumbled and some days we strode.

Either way, we've moved forward. And whilst his choice to leave means all the responsibility is mine, so is all the joy. And there is so much more joy. He may have abandoned his duties and turned his back on his promise and obligation, but he's also turned his back on happiness only we can offer him. His choice to leave and what he did is his legacy not ours. We were worth fighting for, worth sticking around for and I know he knew that but he didn't have it in him to act on it. Now we move forward. It's not going to be easy and no excuses will ever fill his void but we are stronger than his absence. His absence was bred from weakness to see and then the guilt. Things he would carry for the rest of his life. He may know happiness again but it will never be a known peace. What he did

to me was not my fault. In fact, it had nothing to do with me. But the healing is my responsibility. Anyway, I hope that maybe there's someone out there that this might help. Thank you so much for your podcast. I still listen daily and it brings me so much joy and strength. That was written so beautifully. I actually feel like hearing some of the things you said towards the end of that email, I probably could have done with listening to when I was going through my divorce at the beginning, really realizing that, you know,

like they do end up painting you out to be the villain of their story. And you just gotta let them. Yeah, let them. Let them. Let them. Know that they're the clown in our story. Like it is, you know, when sometimes you, I remember, and I feel like we've probably all felt this

becoming single moms when you're like, they just go and I feel like we've probably all felt this becoming single moms when you're like, they just go and live their life and they're all happy and we're here picking up the pieces. It is so true when you say that they're missing out on the joy because they are. Although we might have to pick up the pieces and go through the heartbreak, they are missing out on things that they'll never get from anywhere else. And you've got to pity them. And like we've always said,

turn that anger and hate into pity because he has thrown away something so amazing and precious for what? Like, ugh. Yeah, and that's it. The bit you said about how he's turned around, he's said all these nasty things, that's his way of...

Deflecting. Deflecting. He feels shit and he's trying to put that out onto you and you just have to take it as surface value, don't read into it, don't believe any of those things, just saying those things to hurt you like he's doing it with malice. So just try and not... I know it's easier said than done because we can be quite sensitive, but yeah, you'll know those things. I'm sure you know that, but it's so nice to hear that kind of like you're coming through the other side

and quite quickly I feel and good for you because you deserve better. And I'm happy that you felt like you got that bit of closure. Fuck him. Fuck him. Products, fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Products of the week. So the...

What's the... Rats singing like cat dog. Carly is bringing over her products of the week. So if you're watching, you're... You're pushing the microphone with his bum. Move out the way. I want to introduce you to my pony. So I actually got this for Theo's birthday. It's called a pony cycle. You've probably seen it on my stories. My kids have been playing with it round around my house non-stop We're dangerous you basically you won't be able to hear you from there Yeah, right. So Carly's sitting on it and then you like bounce on it and it moves with the wheels

She's actually doing it guys. She's actually doing it. She's not in the camera anymore because there's no room for this fucking pony actually doing it guys, she's actually doing it. She's not in the camera anymore because there's no room for this fucking pony. No seriously if you're looking for like a cool birthday present, you want to save up something for Christmas, it is just a little bit different. You can use it just like down the streets. It's a bit different. You weren't expecting that product. No when you got up I thought you were going to go and get an orange dildo. than that product. No, when you got up, I thought you were gonna go and get an orange dildo. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Product of the week. Yeah, where are you at, love, honey? We're at, right? Okay, confession of the week. Oh, this only happened last week. Last week, I found out that my partner of eight years has been messaging a woman at work. Another one.

Oh my God, I don't know how she's done this. I haven't told him I know this yet. Instead, I like making his life hell. Mad that. Something that I've been doing the last few days is piercing his tires one by one with a really small needle. His warning light has come on saying that the air pressure is low. He's been filling up his tires with air, but what he doesn't realize is I'm piercing them more and more often to a point where they're all going to be flat.

A little thing, it's minor inconvenience. I want to know when you all going to be flat. Little things, minor inconvenience. I wanna know when you're gonna tell him, can you email her when his tires are flat and he can't go anywhere? That is brilliant. And I rate you for holding it in. I could not do that. Could you?

No, obviously not. Okay, affirmation of the week. I think we need to, this isn't even really an affirmation of the work. I think we need to, this isn't even really an affirmation of the week. I feel like it's more just advice. We need to stop telling ourselves that we're staying for the kids. It's not the life that you deserve to have.

Stop making out that you were doing it for the kids. Did you know what we were probably actually doing in hindsight? You're using the kids as an excuse to stay because you're not yet strong enough to leave. Find the strength. Today it's about the strength. Find the strength.

I am stronger than yesterday. Now it's nothing but a pathway, my loneliness is giving me no more. I am stronger. Oh, should we do a rap on the Patreon episode? Anyway guys, find that strength. Put yourself first because putting yourself first will eventually help your kids. I agree. Love you guys. Please go and review us. We need some new ones. Love you. Miss you. Bye. See you later. Bye.