Not As We Planned - 95. The Signs Of An Affair

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

When you hear from the other woman who tells you all about the affair, a man who needs our help, and yet another affair with you guessed it… ANOTHER ONELink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to Not As We Planned. Can I just ask, before we get started because We normally do this at the end. Are we gonna do that? And also no, but can you please go and review? Like the last of you was like April or something

So someone's got to set it up like just take literally two minutes if this has helped you in any way if it makes you Laugh makes you cry if you are a loyal listener. We want to hear from you Honestly, I cannot tell you how much stuff like that helps us. Yeah, so if you're listening on Apple, go and review on Apple. If you're listening on Spotify, go and give us a five star rating please. If you're watching on YouTube, go and subscribe. If you're not watching on YouTube, still go and subscribe. I need to go and subscribe.

Are you joking? Do you not subscribe? I don't actually, maybe I don't even. Go on YouTube, so don't really. No, I need to do it joking? Do you not subscribe? I don't actually, maybe I don't either. Go on YouTube so don't really, no I need to do it. And do you know what? I know you're all on Instagram. Go and share a little story. We say, we say, go and screenshot like a screenshot of you listening to today's episode.

And tag us. And tag us. Because it's free. And it helps. And if you want more. Man. If you want more. You gotta give more.

You gotta help us. Yeah, I like this little set that you're wearing. Thanks, it's part of an ad. Oh, is it? Sheen. I don't know, I call it Sheen, is that not correct? I don't know, I just copy everyone else because I say everything wrong.

Sheen. What's goth? Oh, she's back to having a boring no update. Do you know what? I wanted to touch on the tattle thing to be honest. I like your nails. Couldn't decide on the colour. They're very, I think mine are a bit cute as well. Yeah, I'm here for love. Giving some of that. Giving some of that.

Give them some of that. Some of that. Love that bi-hab. My nail tech girl actually listens every week. So, shout out to Jamie, she'll be loving that. Yeah, my nails are cutesy. Yeah, let's talk about this whole tattle thing. So for anyone that doesn't know what tattle is,

I've personally never really spoken about it on my Instagram or any social media because I didn't really want to give it... Airtime. Yeah, and I didn't want to be advertising it. That's what these people thrive on is knowing they're getting to you. Yeah, and I didn't want to advertise it for people that don't know about it to go on there at 10%. But what it pretty much is, it is like an online forum where people pretty much troll

people online. It's claimed to be a gossip site, however, any positive comments are removed. So it's actually a hate site to just be completely blunt. And it's literally every single person that is an influencer or remotely famous, they have threads where people are literally just bashing you. But so much so that they're also sharing massively personal details like home addresses, children's nurseries. Yeah just wild, wild stuff. Putting people in actual danger. And massively destroying people's mental health and you know I haven't been on it now probably for

maybe a year and a half. I know that you've experienced some really bad things on there as well. It's pretty much like self harm if you're going on there to look at what people have written about you. And I know you're probably thinking, no one ever comes up with it. And I know you're probably thinking like,

so don't go on it, but it can weirdly become addictive to want to know what people are saying about you, even if it's negative. And I'm sure anyone listening to this that has had stuff about them on Tattoo will probably really relate to that. It's basically like a burn book, but for the entire world to just contribute.

And the weirdest thing is, so many of the people on there are moms and like the thing I got to Like I I went a long long time without going on it and then for some reason last year I went back on it and it fucked my head like I haven't really talked about like where I've been with like mental health and stuff, but Tattle nearly destroyed my mental health.

It made me question a lot of things about myself and it put me in a genuinely fucking horrific place. And like Tashhead, it is a form of self-harm and that's genuinely why I won't ever go on there. I won't engage with the shit on there. But also to know people are there judging, especially when you're sharing vulnerable parts of your life, you know, you're trying to help people, you're trying to just share an honest journey. I remember I got absolutely rinsed when Theo was born on there and telling me that like I deserved an unwell child and like honestly like the most vile things. But the sad thing is like I think with my own work, I've got to a place where

I realise actually, anyone who is spending their time and energy sitting on a website thinking about someone else hating someone enough to waste their valuable time and energy typing about them, that's really concerning about that person and I feel actually weirdly sorry for them that they must be in such a bad mental space that that's what's making them feel good. That's what they're getting their adrenaline kicks from. That's where they're getting their dopamine hits from is putting someone else down and actually what I've really noticed is the more successful you get, they can't stand anyone making money, anyone doing well, anyone being

happy in good relationships. Anyone being happy, anyone being gifted anything, it triggers them. And one thing I've learned is it's just a sight of completely triggered people and I will not enable it by going on, looking, feeling pissed off, feeling angry, feeling hurt about any of those things because it's a them problem, it's not a me problem. I know I'm authentic to myself, I stand by my beliefs, I would stand up in a room and shout about everything I post about, I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. But also I'm also a human doing life for the first time, and being a mum for the first time. And yeah, I have openly admitted some mistakes and things

I've made, like sharing my honest journey online. and I think for someone to come in and judge that it's just what so this person's at home being perfect I don't think so because you're spending your bloody time on the internet like imagine what those children are growing up with if that's your parent the fact you're sitting there stacking people off I dread to think what you're like as an actual parent. Sorry. It's been building up. See, I wasn't actually going to say anything. I did post about it on my stories last night just because, I don't know, seeing people advocate it, seeing people like go to court and actually fight it, which probably-

Yeah. So that's what I wanted to explain for people that don't know. Like the reason why I wanted to bring it up is that there were a man and wife, they, a man and wife, like a couple, who have, a married couple who have gone to court and ended up winning against Tatto and now it's come to fruition as to who created Tatto. It was a man, love. Under a female name. And I think one by one, I think a lot of the people that regularly write on there are going to be

named and shaped. Well, I think people's identity are being revealed. And I think like the whole appeal of Tattoo to these trolls for all these years, what they was able to hide. Yeah, they had this, they had this, they were anonymous. They were never gonna get found out. But sadly there is such thing as digital footprint.

I've come up. Yeah. I'm fucking karma. And nothing you do in life, you know, everything you do in life comes with repercussions, comes with consequences. And it's brilliant. Like some of the, these people have seen being found out their usernames, they've found their Instagram handles and their Facebooks and they're like

oh this person works for cancer something, they've contacted the employer and do you know what? If and when I find out who some of mine are I'll absolutely be doing that. Oh my god, same, I can't fucking lie. I'll be shouting about it all over, you take up a seat, grab your popcorn babe because I will be outing those people who made my life a fucking mess. Yeah, I think it's let's sit back and watch the show because I think there's a lot more to come. I think there's gonna be some bombs over the next few weeks.

I also think there's gonna be some influencers that have been slacking off other influence. 100%, I mean, I already know of one, so. Yeah. Anyway, I'm trying to think of any other updates we didn't film last week. We didn't film last week. I mean, I can't think of anything.

I've got a bit of crap going on in the background with a certain someone who might be the reason why I started this podcast. I don't wanna say any names. Um. But, yeah. Um. Other than that, I'm all good. Yeah, same.

What about you? Nothing really to report. Just I'm trying to think what I've done. Just enjoying the weather to be honest. Yeah, we've got some exciting things in part. We've been working really hard recently. We've got probably an announcement we can make quite soon. Hopefully. Based off today.

Yeah. So yeah, just watch this space. Yeah. And yeah, we're just feeling very grateful for anyone that is listening and supports us and yeah and I've had I've had situation this week where I don't know I just don't really know how to word it but yeah I guess sometimes like when people try and come for you and what you do, and knowing actually like what you do helps so many people, it just kind of like, I can't explain it. Maybe one day I will be able to actually say what I'm trying to actually say.

But yeah, just knowing how much like honestly, like the messages you send us consistently, the emails we get, like just knowing it is actually helping people and it's not just a stupid little podcast, it is so meaningful and gives us such purpose. And I think, you know, there are a lot of podcasts out there that are purely for entertainment and comedy. And whilst we do have elements of that, I think this whole show brings such a purpose and a bigger kind of motivation behind it and just knowing like it's working. I don't know, just you know what I was watching, I know you probably haven't seen it yet, but for anyone that listens to Call Her Daddy, Alex Cooper has a documentary out on Disney. It was just a two part documentary and it was just really interesting to see

where she started filming in her apartment in New York to where she is now. I just sort of think the sky's the limit. I couldn't bring it on. Anyway, should we crack on with some emails to start helping you guys out there. This is a great one to start with guys, okay? What's it called? The other woman found me online and contacted me. Oh. Hi Tess and Carly, I am in the thick of it and I need to air this out. The love of my life has been having an affair for about 10 weeks and she messaged me all

the evidence yesterday morning. Shuck. I don't even know how the evidence yesterday morning. Shuck. I don't even know how I'm going to write this email. I haven't eaten since Monday night and it's now 1pm Wednesday. I know that feeling. So literally can't eat. I know. I tried to eat some toast this morning but just chewing and couldn't swallow so gave

up. I feel like I've just given up on life and I can't move. I feel so distraught. For context, my partner works away in Ireland Monday to Thursday with some weekends for overtime, which is how he's managed to see her without me knowing. Over the course of 10 weeks, he has seen her on six occasions, staying overnight in hotels or staying at her house with her kids there. So how did they meet? Or we don't know that. Did they not work together or? Don't know. She knew about me. But apparently he convinced her that we were over ages ago and he was sleeping on the couch

and we just needed to sort the house out. Can I say something on a side note that's really interesting? I started listening to a podcast, you know, um, oh my god. Is that fair? Yeah. Anna. Anna Williams. I listened to an episode.

And she has started a podcast and it was really interesting because she had someone on there who was like the other woman. The one that like, he was like 20 years older than her. The one who like didn't believe in monogamy and like they could say, No.

Oh, I listened to another one who was also the other one. Really I don't know it's just a very interesting I don't get me wrong I know and I'm not for a second condoning any type of affair but it's just very interesting listening to the other side of it hearing the other woman and her version of events and how manipulated she was. But that's it. I think what we need to realise is when this happens, I think a lot of women do blame the other woman and we should actually be holding the accountability to the man or whatever the gender is of the person who's done the wrong. Like it's nothing to do with the other person. Like it could be anyone, it could be another person, it could be five other people.

Actually the person who owes you everything is the person you're in a relationship with and if they're not giving you the safety, the security, the trust, the other person's fucking irrelevant is them who's made the choice. Yeah, it was just very interesting how like she obviously has such low self-esteem. She's got attention from this guy. He made it very clear that although he was married, their relationship was pretty much over and he didn't want to be in that relationship anymore. And just the way that you can just so easily be manipulated into thinking like, oh my God, I'm his person and like he's going to leave her for me. And then before you know, once you've fallen in love with them, it's

so difficult to exit that situation. It's just a really interesting, listen anyway, sorry, go on. So yeah, it should be the people you're in the relationship with. It should be angrier. I think it's really also easy like to deflect, but also because you love that person, you don't almost want to hold them accountable. You're most like in denial that you can't believe their actions, so you want something else to blame. Yeah, 100%. The affair ended three weeks ago. He ended it. But since then she has been threatening to find me and tell me. All she knew was my first name and location and she managed to

find my number through social media. To which I got the dreaded text, Hi, is this... ...fiance? I opened her WhatsApp, saw her profile picture in a bikini and immediately knew something was wrong. Before she even messaged me back, I text my partner, call me now. He called me immediately and said, what's up? I said, I think you know what this is about.

He said, yes, I do. I'm so sorry. Oh, do you know what? That's actually made me feel a bit, a bit like, ill. Like, I quite explained the feeling that I just got in my stomach because I cannot tell you how many times I got messages in my DMs from fake accounts telling me stuff that had happened. But because I never had proof, like, I'd really like to put it out there to people that are listening really quickly. Just say you're listening right now

and you are in a loving relationship. You're married and you have children. If a fake account messes you on Instagram saying, your husband is having an affair and he is sleeping with someone and you confront them and they're like, well, that's obviously bullshit. Who would leave? Why would you ever leave when you've got no proof, no name, no evidence, just a message?

Yeah. It's... What do you do with that? You brush it under the carpet with everything else. Let the floor be very bumpy. I asked him to tell me right now what's happened, because I want to hear it from him first as he is currently typing along what's that message. He told me he's been sleeping with her on and off since the end of March. I fell to the floor, screamed, crying.

The kind of cry you see in the movies when a loved one dies. But that's exactly how it feels, like someone you loved has died because suddenly they are no longer who you thought. And then her message came through. When I say she showed me everything, I mean it. Pictures, screenshots of messages, rude pictures slash videos of him which he had also sent to me. Fuck off.

Fuck you. This is making me feel very, very unwell. Each one a fresh blow to read. She called me and we spoke and she told me everything from start to finish. Meanwhile he is calling and texting. I listened to her for half an hour. Tell me when it started, how he said we were broken up and he was going to be with her and then how he ended it with her three weeks ago and she was devastated but said good luck to him.

But there's something didn't sit right about me not knowing the truth, so she had to contact me. One thing I will say, she's not telling, she hasn't told you for you, she's told you for her. It's like, yeah, she wants. No, she wants to get her own back at him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, yeah, yeah.

It's like, oh, you don't want me? Well, fuck you. She's not done it out of the kindness of her heart. I think a lot of people would have done that. Yeah, but she's not done it out of the kindness of her heart. She's done it for revenge to him. Agree. I thanked her for telling me all of this and hung up.

And then I called him back. He's currently at work in Ireland. You know the script. Pleading, apologising, trying to explain. I wanted to know if his timeline of events matched her story before I told him what I already knew. Surprisingly it did and he told me everything from start to finish. I sat and listened whilst the tears streamed down my face. He showed me the threats he'd been receiving right up until this morning and explained this is why he'd been so stressed the last few weeks. Make your bed, hon. She told me he had begged her not to break up his family. He said he was going to tell me at the

weekend but he was so busy and having a nice time so he just didn't want to hurt me and still hoped it would go away. Obviously he hoped I was never going to find out. Now I could tell he has been really stressed and not himself but I thought it was due to stress at work. I had no idea this was happening and I'm shocked at how he's managed to pull the wool over my eyes when he facetimes and calls me every day slash night he's been away. The sex has been great between us, sometimes six times each weekend, which isn't new. The only real change I noticed was buying new clothes, getting new tattoos, going to the gym more. I even joked that all this sudden self-care is what people who are having affairs do. And he laughed it off. How naive was I? Oh, that's made me feel ill. How do I navigate

this? I've seen all the receipts and to be honest, I now know and have seen far too much for anyone to handle. I know he ended it with her and he eventually, I know he ended it with her eventually which is a small comfort but he still did it all. Took her on dates, hotels, slept with her multiple times and then came home to me the next night and was all over me. He wants to make this right and fix this but is this even possible? I've seen everything. The endless screenshots etched into my brain now. He says he has no excuse. He was fed up and bored alone in Ireland and thought it would be some harmless fun, but ended up turning toxic and threatening. I can't just leave easily. I can't afford the bills alone as he is the main earner.

We aren't married and my children aren't his so he doesn't owe me any help. I'll be screwed, homeless or moving back into one bedroom at my mum's. He's away with work for a few more days so at least I have this breathing space for now. I really don't want to leave. I love him and want this all to just be a bad dream. Ladies help. I think I it's not a bad dream sadly. Look, this is an affair that you know about because you were told by the other woman, I'm not suggesting that he's done it before, but who's to say that he won't do it again? And I think that's something that you need to decide if you want to live with that or not. It doesn't sound like you're ready to leave. I wouldn't be surprised if you stay.

If you do, I'm not judging you at all. There is no judgment here whatsoever. You've made it very clear that leaving will result to you being in like a one-bedroom place at your mum's with your kids who aren't his. Financially, you wouldn't be in a very good place. I think sometimes it's situations like this where people have to try again to weigh out what it is they would rather. Start again, go through some tough challenges, but then eventually learn from it, grow from it, meet someone better, or try and forget it. And you'll have some good days, you will, trust me. I remember, like, I stayed and I had some decent moments. I had some nice holidays, we had some nice times where

things were okay, but I don't know if it was actually really real. Hmm, do you want to be able to try and hold on to a few little good moments where deep down you're still like dying inside, the screenshots are in your head, the videos come into your head. And every argument you have, you're bringing it up and it becomes toxic. And then he goes away to work, to Ireland or wherever he goes to work and you're paranoid and you're on edge and you've got that horrible palpitation in your heart and you can't sleep and you can't eat and you're wandering. I don't know. I've said it a hundred times, I think it takes a particular person to truly forgive someone, to truly be able to let it go, to truly move forward.

I also think it takes a particular person to leave. I agree. And I think that- But I think it's more common to find that, like, I think- I think it's more common to stay and not be that person that can- No, I agree. I agree. That's like the worst case, isn't it? You don't leave and you can't accept it. No. So you're like, you're fucked. But what I'm saying is every single person has that strength inside them. Like Like we hear from people weekly, you

know, it's just finding that strength to leave and like any element of this, you're going to have to find some kind of strength, whether that's strength to leave, whether it's strength to try and move forwards, whether it's strength to start again, whatever it is, you're going to have to dig deep and find a strength you didn't know you had. And you're going to have to choose to use that strength in whatever way. My personal opinion is, perhaps that strength's better used digging deep, going through some hard times and actually knowing there's a potential chance of meeting someone in the future and having a better life and taking that risk. Or do you dig deep and find the strength to really try and do

the work to truly forgive someone? I don't know, I don't think it's possible in everyone, that's just my personal opinion, I could well be wrong. I just know what option I would rather choose. We're not here to tell you what to do and right now you are literally in the in the shit of it. You are in the hard hard part where your body's still in shock, you're still not able to eat, you're probably not able to sleep, you're probably in that fight or flight mode, you're just like, what the fuck? And I think right where you sit in all those feelings, do you know what else it is?

I feel like it's, you feel so unbelievably shit and low and have all those anxieties, can't eat, can't sleep. And it's like, the person that made you feel that way is also the only person that can take that pain away. And I think that is what I struggled so much with. It's knowing that they've caused it, but they're the only ones that can like cure it. And I think that sometimes you do need to almost

accept them back into your life, try again, to then be a bit more level-headed, to then look at the picture a bit more. At the end of the day, it's not going to be a quick decision where you're like, it's your life. Yeah. But keep us updated. I think that unfortunately, like you said, you really would just want to wake up and for it to be a bad dream. But this is the reality now and he has caused it. And I'm really sorry that you're going through it because I know just listening to your email has left me feeling unamable. Yeah. Okay, this is from a man. How do I win my girl back? Are we ready? What did you do?

Hi ladies, love the podcast. It's helped me on so many levels already. I've been listening the last two weeks and have already gone through each episode. I'm loving this. Hope you're not sick of my voice yet. Why did I start listening to the podcast? Recently I split up from my girlfriend of 11 months.

Everything was going well and coming back from a holiday we started having arguments that we never had before. Disagreements all the time. Where in her defense I started acting like a toddler, throwing all my toys out of the pram, not listening to how she felt. I know, dick move. I suggested that we should have a break, just so I could get my head around the situation. During this time we decided to call it quits, much to each other's disappointment but I didn't know how to conduct myself in this. So I didn't go to chase after her, thinking in my head real life isn't

like Hollywood films. Not that this should be an excuse but as a man I've been brought up to keep my emotions to a minimum and deal with it. See all the men in my family not expressing how they feel and be men. As the weeks have gone on I've found myself an emotional wreck, barely eating, barely sleeping and opening up to anyone who will listen. This was exactly what my ex wanted me to do. Why couldn't I have just done this with the woman that I love? Was I scared of opening up to being vulnerable, not that I ever wanted to be hurt by a heartbreak again? But by doing this I broke my heart myself and I neglected her and how she feels. Men are a special breed. We don't know what we have until it's gone. We are also not mind readers so ladies out there

just speak to a man. From a man that has never felt comfortable with the romantic gestures I walked straight in a flower shop, ordered the best bunch of roses they had, wrote a letter of how much she meant to me and created a video with all the clips of us together with music in the background to one of her favourite songs. That's cute. Die with a smile. That's really cute. I took the leap, got it

delivered to her house, she messaged me thanking me for it but at the same time unsure of how she wants to continue, stating that even though she believes everything I've said, actions speak louder than words, to what I completely agree with. Does this mean she wants me to continue doing the gestures or something else? My question is for someone who's not spontaneous. How would I be able to show her exactly how I feel about her? How would I treat her like the queen she is? Any activities that we could do to show more of my emotional side? Do you have any previous dates or ideas that could give me another push out of my comfort zone?

Do you think I've handled it well or should have done anything different? Thanks for the podcast, ladies. It's helped me through my darkest times, opened up my emotional side and potentially saved my relationship with this person. Please keep me anonymous. P.S. Tash, I told you I'd write in. Yeah, I know this guy.

Do you know what? It's really sweet to hear. And it's really nice to hear that what we are doing has actually touched a man, because I feel like a lot of men that listen to our teasers, at least, get very triggered. At least I'm seeing accountability, which is really, really refreshing.

Seeing reflection as well, like, flexing on things. I know from this email, we don't really know a lot about your relationship, so it might be hard for us to be able to maybe give that advice as to whether this is something that can work. Or I know from what I have spoken to him is that no infidelity or any like, distrust or anything like that has happened. I don't know if it's maybe like you guys being slightly younger, they're being, like you have said, a lack of emotion on your side. And I feel like women

want that in a man. They want to see emotion. They want to see communicating like skills, which by the sounds of it you are doing now you're doing work on yourself and I think for me if I were her and I had broken up with someone who I felt like I mean I guess the first mistake that you made which you're now aware of is never say like you want to go on a break like that is literally running away from any problem that you've got. So I love the letter. I love making that effort. And I think that the answer to your question is I would carry on until she makes it very, very clear that she is not interested anymore.

I think it doesn't need to be like big expensive things. I think a lot of the things that mean the most to particularly women are the thoughtful things. Like thinking about things she said at some point in your relationship, some of her favourite things. Like I've made like a little hamper with all her favourite foods or just something like, you know, I want to, I'm picking you up at this time. Go and take a blanket, go and watch the sunset, go to a beach, whatever it is, take a picnic, something really thoughtful, something where you're taking control, she can see you really want this, you're making the effort, you are making romantic gestures. That goes a long way and look, at the end of the day, if you do that, and she turns

around and gives you a clear answer, you know where you stand and you use it as a lesson and you learn. And then you use this information and this knowledge to go and make a different way. She's so successful. I think I would, what Carly said, you take control of the situation. You say to her, are you free on this night? Be ready for this time. Wear this. Yeah. And then I would do the whole like picnic, blanket, sunset, and then be there and actions do speak louder than words, so, but I also feel like at the same time, women love a man opening up and you take that opportunity

to almost like reiterate what you said in that letter, but in person, watching the sunset, having a nice time, buy some of her favorite food. And I would be up front and say to her, I want to make this work. Will you give me the chance to show you that I'm willing to make the changes and go from there and keep us updated and maybe get her to listen to the podcast too. Yeah. And carry on listening. Okay. This one because it sounds like she really needs our help. Okay. Girls, I need your help.

Oh. What gave you that impression? Hi ladies, desperately need some wiser wisdom before I crash the FL. Okay, she needs our help. Yeah. I really hope this gets read out on the pod as I need a serious reality check

before I lose myself anymore Going back to January. I found out my partner and father of my child was having an affair with a young girl from what another one Hang on peachy I was shocked but as he had been caught messaging girls before I really did think it was just a silly mistake Of course this turned out to be a full blown affair. At this point in January, he was so apologetic, but I insisted he left. It was a horrible few weeks, he remained sorry, and I stupidly let him back in. Lo and behold, he gets caught again.

But this time, the girl messaged me me. She didn't know about me. I knew about her, but as a private person I chose not to get in touch as I didn't think any good would come out of it. I was right. So now at this point she does know about me. She told me she wouldn't be entertaining him anymore so I stupidly thought now she's out the picture we could sort things out. As in my head I'm thinking, surely he's going to have a mental crisis to leave his home, family, job. Yes, he left his job to sort things out at home.

Fast forward a few weeks, the girl is back on the scene and now she knows about me, it's just damn right nasty on both sides that she would participate in taking another woman down. Hold on, what do you mean she's back on the scene? So like, So like, so the affair ended and now they're back seeing each other. Nice.

Along with indirect quotes about being a home wrecker on Instagram. I honestly can't explain the emotions this has taken me through. I'd won too many drinks one night and spiraled. I got home, went on his phone, and there she was planning to meet up with him the next day. And this is after he's got called?

Yeah. Fucking prick. She was shocked when I phoned her off his phone. Oh my god, brave. Hey babe. Bleh. To confirm, yes, he does still live with his girlfriend. She acted shocked again and the next morning me and my partner had a huge row over this. Some nasty things

were said on his side which of course after he said he didn't mean it, he left again. The day he left he went straight to her and slept with her the same day and continued his fun for the next two weeks. I knew this as I logged into his Snapchat and seen the conversation and pictures. I shouldn't have looked. Meanwhile, I tried to have amicable conversations and asked if he could just tell me the truth as I wanted to know that if he is in fact in another relationship. He denied it all, with even the things I had seen. Yeah, sorry. You had to lie.

Yeah, it's just like when you've seen stuff and they're like, no, that's not true. It's like, oh, sorry, my eyes must have seen something. That's what they're bad. I'm hallucinating. I'd better go to the doctor. A few weeks went by and I had started to sort of accept it. He turns up one night late to see our son and stays over and stupidly we had sex. The same again the following day. I asked him what the fuck is going on as he doesn't communicate. He said, well, if you wanted to sort it, here I am. And that was it. We never really had that conversation sorting yet. I also never asked him to come back, but I also didn't ask him to leave. The next few weeks were a blur. He was very distant, never home, rude. And whenever I bring up the subject of what the hell has happened, he shuts me down immediately saying I'm going on and sometimes threatens

me. It's giving really good accountability. Giving communication skills up. Chef's kiss. Yeah. In my head, if he just told me the truth from the start, I could have accepted it, but he kept coming back and saying he loved me, which always threw me off. So for weeks, so for a few weeks, I've had to ignore it and just get on with it and sort

of pretend it wasn't happening, But my gut is screaming at me. I'm going to be screaming at you in a minute. Me too. Last night I had the urge to go on his phone. Do I find it interesting? When I needed or wanted to go on my ex's phone, I never could. Yeah. Like how are all these people always getting such easy access to their partner's phone?

Because they don't care? Because they don't want to get, like, they don't... Yeah, because I also feel like when they've got something to hide, that phone is blue. Yeah, like, when I managed to get my ex's phone, he chased me around the house and then rugby tackled me to the bed. I didn't have a flying chance. I hadn't... anyway. That was funny. I haven't had the urge in months and of course he's been begging for her back. Oh no, she hasn't had the urge in months to check his phone. Yeah, I know. Yeah. He's been begging for her back, sending her flowers. Meanwhile,

he's been ignorant towards me and cold while I ask for his attention every day. I no longer blame him as I have allowed this behavior. He's walked all over me and day by day of this last year, chipped away at me. I've lost myself. I have no confidence. I feel like I'll never find love again. I feel like I've never dated

and wouldn't know where to start. I think it's why I've stayed for so long, but truly I need out of this situation. I'm being gaslit and manipulated by this man. And although I'm an amazing mother is definitely impacted me as a mother I need a huge kick up the ass I don't think you will ever tell me the truth and when he leaves again He will go straight to her and I will just have to accept that I should have done this healing the first time I'm so ashamed of myself that I've let it get this bad

Though in this time I found this podcast and it does give me hope and occupies my mind. Please keep me anonymous and try not to judge my rose-tinted glasses. I've been too kind. I need to find myself. Where do I start? Few things. First of all, there's nothing to be ashamed about, okay?

Like we are all human. Like we want so much to be loved by the person that we love and we stay and we hope they'll change. And so let's stop like putting ourselves down. You have got to a place now where you know what you need to do and that's fine. Whether it's taking you a year, 10 years, like that's fine. I've been there, okay?

Like I feel like one of the things that makes our podcast really special is we're not just giving this advice and throwing opinions out, not coming from a place where we have sat in your shoes. I have sat there and brushed shit under the carpet time and time again because I wasn't ready to leave. I didn't want to be on my own.

I didn't want to start again. And I loved him more than I loved myself. And eventually I needed to get to a point where I was ready to walk away knowing that I had done everything that I could do. And hopefully you're at that point now and that's okay. You do need to leave. You don't need to worry about you don't know how you're ever going to date again. You don't think you're ever going to love someone. You don't need to worry about that right now. If it like, we're not thinking about a new person, we're thinking about yourself. Like you said, you're a great mum,

but you feel like it's maybe affected that slightly. Go and do the work on yourself. Go and buy our journal. You're listening to the podcast, which has probably already given you that boost, that hope that we really like to give out to people. And I think listening back to your own email will maybe give you that kick that you need because hearing all those things that he was doing and then it's like you sort of just

stayed and then you decided after a few months you had to check his phone. He never took accountability for anything he did. He literally just played both of you at the same time. He wouldn't even talk about it. Yeah. He sounds like an absolute pig. I think as well, you need to forgive yourself for staying for so long. I think you really need to offer yourself forgiveness that you're human and you loved someone. But this man has consistently said he's sorry, tried to get you back and done.

Has he ever said sorry? I don't know, I might have made that up. But he's not only just gone and done it again, he's gone back to the same person again and again and again. And he's trying to have best of both worlds and you need to respect yourself more. And it's refreshing at the end hearing you know all these things and I think maybe hearing your email read out might actually be that push that it's time now, it's time to get rid of this absolute disgusting pathetic little boy. Like you deserve so much better and I promise you, you can't see it now. You

can't see it now that you know as well I think where your self-worth is so low, you can't see it now, you can't see it now that, you know, as well I think where your self-worth is so low, you feel unlovable, you feel like no one's ever gonna find you attractive, you feel like how are you gonna trust someone? Believe me, I've been in those shoes, I've felt absolutely worthless, I've felt unlovable and attractive, I felt like I'd never ever fall in love again and look, whilst I'm on my own now, I love myself. And I've really taken the time to be on this journey to pour into myself and fall in love with who I am. And that's exactly what you need to be doing now because you cannot expect someone to love you

in the way you want to be loved until you feel that way about yourself. So that's what you need to do. Go and buy our journal and please keep us updated. We really wanna hear from you and just remember that you're so much stronger than you know. Mm-hmm. Hey guys, product of the week.

Sorry it's not as chaotic as last week. No, with the pain though. Okay, for those of you who are watching, you can see what I'm holding up. It is actually a book this week. I think we get asked for book recommendations quite a lot. This one is called The Courage to Be Disliked. I cannot recommend it enough. I think so many of us spend our life worried about what people think about the choices we make, whether that's relationships, whether that's jobs, whether it's how we parent our children, whatever it is, we are so worried about what other people think and people have an ownership.

Honestly, this book will change how you see things. And I think this book can show me actually it's a good thing not to be liked by everyone. But yeah, really, really recommend it. We'll pop a link for you. And yeah, just thought it was a little bit different this week. Love that, should thought it was a little bit different this week. Love that.

Should do. Confession of the week. Not my own story, but one of my friends broke up with her long-term boyfriend and he moved on really quickly. She struggled for months and months, but one night we were on a night out trying to cheer her up. A few cocktails in and a guy started chatting her up. So she gave him her ex-boyfriend's number and pretended

her name was Laura, which was the ex's new girlfriend's name. Stay toxic. Love that shirt. Affirmation of the week. Ignore the haters. Ignore the negative comments because if people want to talk about you behind your back, let them. Let them, let them. It's really a them problem. Like, you're not going to be liked by everyone. I don't like everyone, so how can I expect everyone to like me? Be okay with that. Be okay with knowing that like, yeah, you're a good person and people can have their opinions and they can shove it up their arse. Yeah, and their opinions don't matter. Love them. Love you guys. Bye!