Not As We Planned - 96. An Unexpected Turn of Events

Episode Date: July 2, 2025

We hear from an absolute queen showing just how to handle being cheated on, when you think you’re over your husband but don’t want to leave because of the kids and an unexpected turn of events when we get told off by a listener….Link to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan, so get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one, and what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to Not As We Planned. Happy Thursday. And if you don't already, please go and follow, subscribe, share, like, do a review. Honestly, it helps us more than you know. It really does. What's new? Fuck all. Literally nothing.

Yeah, that's good, isn't it? If that's how the rest of the episode's gonna go, then... You? We just... We're living life right now. We're living life. No, look, we're just... Yeah. Just nothing to report. Okay, well we sound fucking exciting, don't we? Should we then just crack on with some e-mails?

We're gonna crack on with some e-mails. Should I stop? Crackerlacking. Okay, this is called A Story of Love, Lies and Leveling Up. You girls need to hear that. It's like something about laryngitis. I can't find the right words to explain that. It's like we're coming out of laryngitis. I can't find the right words to explain it. The shining blink or something. Are we ready? Yeah.

There's a lot to unpack here, girls. After binge listening to your entire podcast, I'm hooked. I felt compelled to share my story with you. It just feels fitting. So here it goes. I separated from my husband and ended a 10 year relationship back in 2016. I was 32 at the time with two kids, age six and two. It wasn't a decision I made lightly,

but it was a necessary one for my own happiness. My ex was 12 years older than me and honestly I was young and naive when we met. I fell head over heels, but over time I realized he could never meet my needs. What followed were three years of broken hearted survival, juggling kids between two homes, feeling guilty for ending the marriage, figuring out solo parenting and just trying to rebuild my life and survive.

Also worth mentioning during this time I kissed a fair few frogs trying to find my prince with zero success. We're like, it. But in 2019 everything changed. I got a new job, I found a new rhythm and for the first time I truly began to heal. I quit drinking, started leveling up my life and started enjoying quality time with the kids. Hashtag FTW. For the... For the wind?

For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For the wind. For two. For two. Then Covid hit and Dayton took a backseat but by early 2022 I was ready for some action. Bet you were. What a drought. And enter my next life lesson. Oh God, here we go. Undummified life lesson. Sick of.

I'm not sure if you use names on the pod, but let's just say his name starts with an M and rhymes with twat. We're calling him Matt the twat. We matched on Bumble in January. I was instantly flattered that a decent looking footballer type with no kids would be interested in a single mum of two. His dating history seems solid. He had come out of a long term 13 year relationship just before Covid, which made

me think he was capable of commitment. The conversation was easy and three weeks later we went on our first date. It went so well that five hours flew by. Then came the second date and the third date. By his birthday in March we were officially a couple. The first two years were amazing. We made the most of every opportunity to be together and after a few months I introduced him to my kids. We enjoyed regular date nights, family holidays, solo trips as a couple, all while maintaining our

independence. I had my house with the kids and he lived in his flat about 30 minutes away. We split our time between both places and it felt like a healthy, balanced relationship, equal effort, shared values and real conversation about our future together. It just sounds so fantastic and I feel really unwell that it's going to turn. Why does the reading stuff like this does make me feel an asian? Makes me feel like God like even when you think like you've got it all and then like suddenly something's going to happen like it does make me things like this do make me hesitant to like throw myself put myself in a situation.

It's a bit late for me. I don't want him to be a life lesson. Fast forward to February 2024 and I noticed something new. He had a female Strava, the fitness app, super fan who liked all his posts. I don't understand Strava. I find it so pointless. I feel people get caught out by Strava though. Can you message on Strava? I don't really know, but I mean in terms of their roots. I suck off.

P.S. You can now DM on Shrava too. Fantastic. Let's just add some more ways for arseholes to be arseholes. When I asked him about her, my internal alarm bells went off as his vague and inconsistent answers lacked depth and sincerity. I kept probing, went back and forth in my head, gathered support from friends and family who kept reassuring me that Mr Nice Guy wouldn't cheat. So I decided to let it go and see what happened. Well, we know where this is fucking going, don't we? But after that, I started to notice when things felt off.

He stopped calling me on the way home from work, which had been our routine. He made plans with a friend I'd never met on a child-free weekend. He even stonewalled me on a family holiday, like he didn't want me to want to be there. Don't I? I raised my concerns asking if something was wrong. Even if he was cheating or wanted out, I would have walked away without a fuss, trusting that we weren't destined to be together. But every time he declared his love for me, upped the effort and attention and we carried on. Until the 27th of November 2024. I actually stayed at his place on the Wednesday and decided to work from there that day. He was at work, but he was fine with using his computer, at least on the surface.

When I logged in, I noticed his Gmail was open. So I took the opportunity to take a look. No. And check if any emails from the Strava family were there. He said she was a recruiter who helped him find a job. I just wanted to see if there was any truth to this story. At first nothing suspicious showed up. Then I hit the jackpot. I didn't. I downloaded WhatsApp chat between them. Why? But why have you downloaded it? It's an idiot. Saved in a draft email. Why? Why would you do that?

I obviously asked to delete it, but wants to have it. Yeah. It had been downloaded back in February, right after I first questioned him about her. The messages went all the way back to May 2021 before we even met. to May 2021 before we even met. Turns out he actually met her on Bumble. Of course he did, back in 2018,

before the end of his 13 year relationship. Shocker. No. Kept in contact with her ever since, ramping things up the year before we met. He spent Christmas and New Year with her, yet days later he was making a new play for me. Your prick. I saw the full extent of their communication, endless daily chats, a complete copy and paste

job of the sweet nothings he used to send me, even the same post run selfies, gross, and the sexting? Way more creative than anything I'd ever got. I know from her that they met up at least 10 times a year and he was consistently in her life messaging and calling every day. Honestly, it was a blessing I found the evidence. It left no room for him to lie or spin it. The truth was clear and I had no doubt about the extent of the betrayal. I packed my stuff, walked out of his flat and refused to see him again. Wow.

Queen. Wow. Give me that energy. That is main character energy and anyone who listens to this needs to fucking embrace it. Love that. Queen. Not only did he cheat on me, but he also ingrained himself into the lives of me and my two innocent children and gave me false hope to someone

else. And gave false hope to someone else. I reached out to her the same day and it turned out she had no idea about me. She had her reservation thinking he was just a bit of a commitment foe. But after seeing the messages, I could tell he'd been stringing her along, denying he had a girlfriend multiple times and even accusing her of cheating and the audacity. Oh that takes a bit. Again, just shows sometimes the other woman actually has no idea and I love that you sort of like approached her not in like some aggressive manner. Yeah, there's a lot more to the story but that's not mine to share.

Maybe she'll listen to this and feel inspired to write in. I'm grateful her reaction was positive. That's it. She was warm and supportive. We both cut ties with him that day. Love. Oh, I love this. We need to find her.

Introduce her to the pod. I also let his family know via a mic drop message in the family group chat, and then I left the group. Oh my goodness! You mic dropped! You are something else. That is unreal.

Hold on, why aren't I in my boyfriend's family group? That is sick. Oh my god. We've had one conversation since. I laid everything out and that was it. And you know what? I didn't cry. Not once.

I felt relieved. My instinct was that I was going to be able to do it. I was going to be able to do it. I was going to be able to do it. I was going to be able to do it. I was going to be able to do it.. I laid everything out and that was it. And you know what? I didn't cry, not once. I felt relieved, my instincts were spot on. I don't regret the last three years. I had a great time,

but I'm grateful we didn't take that next step. I truly believe in everything you say about doing the work after a breakup, no matter the circumstances. Know who you are, know what you want, know your worst, know your boundaries because when you're honest with yourself, nobody can fuck with you. Hell no, motherfucker!

Had I not concentrated on healing after my divorce, the dramatic end to this relationship might have hit me differently. Final note. I have an amazing 50-50 co-parenting relationship with my now ex-hushusband We even just got back from a week abroad with the kids ironically a trip I'd originally booked with the cheetah keep doing what you're doing girls big love. I Love you that that was in spyware We all like be inspired by that energy and that's what we're embracing this and no one needs a map the prat No one needs a no. No, one needs a Matt the Pratt. No one needs a- Oh no, it was Twat.

Huh? Pratt Twat. Pratt. What a stupid name, little rat. Literally. Matt the rat, you're a fucking pratt and you ain't coming in my twat. You're shut.

Ha ha ha. Love that, thank you for sending that in. It has also actually slightly triggered me. I'm going to quickly go into a corner and cry. I'm not joking. I don't know why I'm laughing. Sorry, the door just slammed shut. Sorry, is that a sign? Is that a sign? Elijah? Elijah's just left. See ya! At least Elijah stormed out. Okay. What a bloody mess. Help. Oh dear.

Hi ladies, I love the podcast so much and I'm hoping for your wise words of advice. I'm now on Patreon too as I binge all your episodes in a matter of weeks after only starting a couple of months ago. Please keep me anonymous. I'm a 32 year old mum to a 6 year old little boy and I've been with his dad for over 7 years. He has a 9 year old boy from a previous relationship who we have every weekend. And we've got the typical family life. We bought our first home together a few years ago which we waited years to be able to do and finally happened with saving and a little help from my parents towards the deposit. Long story short, I'm not sure where I want to be

anymore and if my heart is still in the relationship. I'm very much an independent and driven person and I work hard to make sure I reach my goals. Since having my son, I've over doubled my salary by working my way up and I love having a career as well as being a mum. I'm outgoing and the social butterfly out of the pair of us. We've always balanced each other out but I'm worrying now if we've grown apart now the children are a bit older and less dependent on us. My partner is much more of a go to work, do the bare minimum and go home type of person and earns almost half of what I do, so I do fit the majority of bills which I do not mind at all. He doesn't have any hobbies or go out but I will add that his mates are rubbish

and have either all disappeared since being in a relationship or they're still out partying every weekend which he no longer wants to do. Don't get me wrong, my partner is an amazing dad, dotes on us all as a family, and forever puts me and the children first. As much as he isn't career driven, and he does the bare minimum in that respect, he does give his absolute all to us as a family and me as a partner. He does struggle with his mental health but seems to have gotten worse over the last couple of years. He's had bouts of being addicted to pain medication and got himself in debt through this, which is another burden I feel. He's

lied to me about it quite a few times which has left my trust in tatters and our foundation broken. His parents ended up bailing him out of that. He said he'd get the help but then didn't and I'm just so over it. Because he had no consequences because his parents made him. I do think he's stopped now but do still have moments of doubt and don't know if I'll ever be able to trust him or be able to rely on him for stability. I think I've mentally checked out due to the trust being broken so many times. Due to this I now control absolutely everything when it comes to accounts, money, bills, credit reports,

etc. However, this has left me feeling like a mum rather than a partner and it's not attractive at all. I'm the male energy in the relationship which I cannot stand. I really relate to this from my past relationship. So? Yeah. He's completely shit with money and has no drive to make himself better in this area at all.

I believe if you want something you can do it, just give yourself a kick up the fucking arse and stop wallowing. That's my attitude too. We no longer have sex, I don't have the desire to at all because a lot of what he does just drains me and I now resent him. I did think the no sexual desire was a general thing across all males until my recent work Christmas Party. I am by no means a cheat. I never have in my life. I've never so much as looked at

another man in this relationship or previous. However, things got very flirty with an attractive male colleague and we shared a very passionate kiss, which has woken something in me. Not with him necessarily, but I found myself wanting that desire again, which I thought was dead. I used to be a really sexual person and loved trying new things, but I've lost that part of me over the years. I can afford to be on my own, just about, but we would have to sell up as although I can pay the bills on paper, I wouldn't be able to get a sole mortgage on the house. I'd have to rent or buy a very small place alone.

It also worries me that the parental duty, household life and full-time working will all be on me and it scares me to death. My partner will be left with very little money to get his own place, a car etc. After he pays maintenance to his eggs etc. he'd be left with a small amount each month, meaning he'd be able to afford a house share or room at the most. I don't want this to be my son's weekends, going from a nice family home to a grungy bed set etc. There's not a lot of equity in the home as we've just bought it in the grand scheme of things

and the money my parents gave me we'd give back to them or I'd use myself, not split it. This means he wouldn't walk away with much either. He works four on four off so we'd likely do 50-50. But this also worries me that my son would have no stability as the days with each of us would change from one week to the next. I feel guilt, stress, upset for breaking the family home and also dread of starting over. A single mum with little to no money left after bills and no time to do anything, nevermind have time to ever date again. Not that that's at the forefront of my mind but I don't want to die an old woman with

her 47 cats. I just don't know how to navigate any of this. We've chatted it through until our ears bleed but I just can't see a way back to happiness with him. We don't laugh, enjoy time together or get excited to spin Time Kid 3. Am I weak for not fighting more? Am I weak for staying? Do I be strong and leave? I just feel I've outgrown the relationship but I don't know what to think and I could really do with an outside view. Have I got the 7-year itch or is it in the ditch? Help. Love from a very confused and overstimulated mum." I think that you've given up but I'm wondering whether you've given up because you've got attention elsewhere

and that would be my worry. My worry would be that you're basing your decision on a short term high. I'd almost, if it were me, be inclined to... Because I don't know whether there's any communication with this guy that you've kissed. I don't know where, because you've mentioned that, but then there's been no mention of him since. So have you ever spoken to him again?

Like, do you work with him? Do you get this buzz when you see him every day at work? Like, are you continuing an affair? Do you want to continue an affair? It's treading very dangerous ground where you could be throwing away something that has the potential to be worked on for something that has no growth and potential

and longevity. And that would be my thoughts initially. If there is anything going on with that man or you do get that dopamine hit every time you're going to work, wondering like, oh, I wanna look cute and is he gonna notice me and will we kiss again? I would cut that off immediately

and not make any, any quick rash decisions about your marriage and your future with this man until there are no distractions in place. That would be my main advice. I'm thinking. And I need to take my socks off because I'm so hot. Literally. I feel like I'm disintegrating. I'm thinking.

Yeah, I am wondering whether this was obviously like ignited by this feeling. And I know you said like you've got no desire to be sexual with him. But I wonder if you really make a conscious effort with that. Like, why don't you do something like sext him? It doesn't sound like she wants to. Yes, but try like if you're with him and like, thing is, I understand and I agree when we're not happy, like that's absolutely reason to leave and I'm not saying don't. I'm just trying to play devil's advocate and making sure we have exhausted everything here. Because I

think your concerns are very valid. It's not just, I'm unhappy. It's thinking about the kind of life your son's going to have. The trust has been broken from him as well. I agree. I agree. I'm just saying, it sounds like a lot of it, what you're chasing is that excitement again. And I'm just wondering whether you've really exhausted things. I wonder whether I don't know like do a bit of sexting, get some toys, try and not force yourself to have sex. You know that podcast I was telling you about I listened to this morning so I listened to for anyone that doesn't know who she is Esther Perel she's like a really well-known relationship expert she speaks a lot about sex as well and she was on Stephen Bart she's like a really well-known relationship expert. She speaks a lot about

sex as well. She was on Stephen Bartlett's podcast a few weeks ago. It was really interesting because they started talking about monogamy and how sometimes men might be, sometimes find the thought of only having one sexual partner for the rest of their life, quite daunting, as you were saying, actually, it's women that tend to struggle with that idea more. And men, and when partners don't have sex, men tend to think that the woman just doesn't, isn't interested in sex, but it's not that they're not interested in sex, they're not interested in the sex that they are being offered. And if you want a woman to be interested, you've got to make it worthwhile for them to be interested in it. And I feel like there's probably a bit of a lack of communication with you guys. Maybe if you spoke about sex and just people struggle to talk about sex. I've actually

been watching Open Hell. What's that? Oh my god. Channel 4. It's basically a program where couples are looking to explore non-monogamy and open up their relationships. So it's this house where basically that they've got- Is it American? No, it's English. Really? Yeah. They've got residents in there who are like in open relationships. They're very like fluid in terms of like sexual experiences. So there's some couples in there who like to couple swap. There's some unicorns who just like to have sex with couples and stuff. That's crazy. What? You're going to be a unicorn? I'm not going to be a unicorn, maybe. But it's really interesting. So basically then there's

couples who go in and they're all going in for different reasons. So like for example, there was one couple who, quite weird, but the woman really believes in, weirdly they've got children together, but she believes in like polyamory. So she believes she has so much love to give. She doesn't just feel like she can love just her husband and she wants to explore that and then like she's basically, I'm going to leave you unless you're open to explore this. And there's other people who like, there's a couple who wants a couple swap. There's like people who want to introduce third person. And really interestingly, I mean, I can't remember how many episodes I'm in, but really interestingly, when it comes to the crunch and they're like about to have a threesome or something like that, or they've

done something, it's actually the men who are struggling more than the women. That just surprised me when it comes to- I don't know. I feel like men- This man had the opportunity to have a threesome. Oh, I didn't. Men is in like another man being-

No, no, no, no, no. So there was like a threesome, these two women, like his partner and another woman and he was just like, I couldn't get hard like it just he's like he froze like the thought of like the non monogamy was a lot and I do think I don't know where I'm going with this but yeah, I think it's because I just started to know just he just made me think of that man really interesting watch like he doesn't it shows a bit of sex, won't I? But it's just, yeah, you would really like it. It's just, it's one of those things

that I really find it interesting watching things that are so like- Alien. Alien and far from what you're used to. Like just having these, it's also really interesting to watch people having open conversations about what it is they need in their sex life. And I really respect that. I really respect feeling like you need more than you're getting,

being able to have an open conversation with your partner, articulate that. And like, for the most part, some of the couples like both want to explore things, but some of them is like, my partner wants to and I want to make sure I'm fulfilling their needs. And it's just really, it's a really interesting one. I'm not saying go and put this on it's gonna fix your relationship but I do think we need to be more upfront about our sexual needs particularly as relationships go on and that changes and we've got other things going on and keeping that drive and fun and spontaneity alive. I think the issue that this woman has is with the attention from the other man, she no longer wants the attention from her husband.

And I think that if there's so many factors that are not sitting well with you about separating from your children's dad, any external distractions and try your best to do what you can to try and make it work first because I think what you've got is salvageable, it's whether or not you want to make it work. I agree. Keep us updated please. Okay, this is an update from episode 71 of finding out he cheated with his ex-wife two years ago.

Let me see if I can... She hasn't followed it on from the last email. Hi you lovely ladies. I wrote in a few months ago about my situation. If you remember, I wrote in stating that I was about to meet my boyfriend's children, meet his ex-wife and all was going smoothly but I had the gut feeling something happened when they still lived together at the start of a relationship. I remember to clarify for viewers I saw a few comments saying about dating a married man and read glad he lived with her still to explain he was

really was separated and was going through a divorce. I'm sure Carly can emphasize these divorces take ages to go through and it's not a quick process. Hi, still here two years in. But you shouldn't not be able to date when separated. He was in the house until three months into our relationship and only reason that was was because his child was very poorly with constant health issues so he stayed to support at home. Anyway here is my update. I followed your advice and confronted him. I was physically shaking telling the man you're in love and you've been on the phone. Oh because she looked at his phone and we were like you

need to be honest with him. I was physically shaking telling the man that you're in love with that you've been on his phone. He was initially okay then went a bit pissed off and then went okay again. Overall he was quite calm to be honest about me being on his phone. He was initially okay, then went a bit pissed off and then went okay again. Overall he was quite calm to be honest about me being on his phone. He explained that it was after they received some bad news about the child that they kissed. He explained it wasn't sex. He said he should have told me but he did not want to ruin something special that we had going. He explained that it was just a silly mistake two years ago. He'd only recently started the divorce process back then, so it was all fresh and raw.

He was reassuring and said that I can go through any of the messages and found that it only happened, that it's never happened since. He was a bit pissed off that I had betrayed his trust by going on his phone and then realized that he had ample amount of time to tell me over the years and failed to do so. We were rocky for about two months to be honest. We delayed the ex and the child, me, until he knew it was right. I'm now five months on and all is well. We have worked on ourselves and together to make a happy relationship. I met his children about five times now and it's going great. They are wonderful little kids. The ex didn't want

me, want to meet me in the end. Change of heart at the end I guess. The offer was there though from the start. I wonder if it is because in her eyes she wasn't completely over him but who knows. But to cut a long story short I took your advice to confront him and see his reaction and it worked out well so I want to thank you ladies. Don't get me wrong I still have some work to do on trusting again but I'm trying not to let it ruin our relationship and think about it every day. Thank you for advice girls and I can't wait to see the next chapter." It's nice to know like, it's like what you said, like you are moving on from it, you're

not holding the resentment. I think where it was really, it was quite early on in the relationship, wasn't it? Yeah. I think, I think that's probably easier. But you know what, I'm thinking in my head, what would I do? Because if you're finding out two years on, it was right at the beginning of your relationship.

He was still living with her. I guess it's also like wondering, what was your relationship like? Were you official then? Were you not? Like, look, at the end of the day, cheating is cheating. I think the right thing for him to do would have been to tell you. I just think it's really... What's the word? I think it's great that you

managed to move forwards a bit and forgive him and see it for what it was. Yeah. And I really hope it all goes well. So, this one's called Lies, Drugs and Sexual Abuse Update. So this lady brought it in, she's actually doing a recap for us. So hi ladies, it's been a while since my original email back in August of 2024, but wanted to give you an update as you read my story on Patreon. Quick recap, I fell in love and married a man who proposed to me at the happiest place on earth, Disney, who later became a binge drinker and took drugs. This man financially, emotionally, and sexually abused me, and once he did the latter I instantly called the police to which he was arrested in September 2023. I was left broken, a single mum of a two-year-old and a three-month-old.

Now for the update. We're now in 2025 and whilst I don't think I will ever be fully I was left broken, a single mum of a two year old and a three month old. Now for the update. We're now in 2025 and whilst I don't think I will ever be fully healed from the trauma of his physical assault on me, every day gets a little easier. As you can imagine raising two kids solo is tough. I live on coffee and hope that I will make it through another day without tearing my hair out. I am so lucky to have family from both sides who are helping me with the kids,

allowing me to take a break from time to time or even work so that I can provide for my girls because he hasn't since he left. Since his arrest in 2023, it has been a long journey. We went to family court regarding the safety of the kids and how he should see them. He had to do a court ordered drug test to which surprised the judge, his family, but funny enough, not me. It averaged out over the course of a year, he was drinking to the value of a bottle and a half of wine a night, complete with two shots. That's wild. Not to mention any coke he was doing on top. It was agreed he was to have supervised visits with agreed family members. He last saw the girls on Father's Day of 2024 and then ran off to his mum's

in Dorset because he lost his job in the city and clearly didn't want to face the music. He was meant to see the kids for an entire week but never showed up for them. Luckily for me, the grandparents on his side continued with the contact and the girls had a great time and see them every month for an entire weekend to give me a break. He quite literally upset so many of his family members with his behaviour, but they now are not speaking to him. He hasn't paid any child support until I persuaded CMS to find him and put in a liability order which took time but has been granted. He now pays weekly. Regarding the assault, he has his hearing in May 2025. So it would have been a goner. And you guessed it, pleaded not guilty to sexual assault, but pleaded

guilty to criminal damage. He smashed up my phone and I rang a friend to save me. Oh my God. So where does this leave us? Well, we have a court date set for October 2026. It will be almost three years after the incident happened before we go to trial. I wanted to give you the update to you and your listeners because despite how long this is taking, I don't regret calling the police. I know some women struggle with the idea

of reporting this type of crime, but to those women, stick with it. I'm not going to lie, I have days where I'm still making excuses for his behavior, but quickly give myself a metaphorical slap and say, no, this was nothing you did, this is who he is and doesn't show any signs of changing. So now my brain is focused on making my kids happy, making me happy and providing for my girls. I have been dating and I'm learning that some of my responses to things are based on my trauma but I'm able to recognise it and act on it before I spiral.

Anyway, I guess you'll hear from me when the trial is over. So until November, 2026, I will forever keep doing the work and making my life and my kids as normal and filled with love and laughter as possible. Well, thank you for giving us an update. Yeah, I think it's really inspirational for anyone listening who can maybe relate to that as well.

Or they're unsure. Not just bogged down by the fight of it, or you've got to stand up for justice, and that's right, and it's so important you do. Okay, this is a bit different. This subject is called response to recent comments sharing my perspective. I can see what comments she's talking about. It'll be, yes, it was you. Yeah. Hi, Tash and Carly. Firstly, thank you for your work that you've put into the podcast. I've been a listener for some time and usually enjoy

the way you tackle real topics head on. That being said, I wanted a response to a comment made in a recent episode. Specifically the suggestion that women who cheat are called sluts. Can I quickly make a comment here? I did a few weeks later say that like it wasn't actually like meant with like malice and like it's just a man who cheaters sucks too. No, but like I mean we've even spoken recently about like how like let's not blame the other women they can be manipulated it's not about the women. It was a throwaway comment I think people are getting a bit uptight. The remark really struck a nerve with me and I'd like to offer another perspective, one that's personal. I'm all for constructive criticism. I'm all for hearing people's opinions, but I just

want to make it clear that I don't know who she was. I don't know that she's a slut. It wasn't said with like... She made a snippet of judgement of her behaviour and do you know what, that's what people do. Not only that but I feel like calling someone a slut is better than commenting on their looks. Sad, ugly, because I wouldn't do that. Yeah I don't think it was meant with any malice.

No it wasn't. I mean, I like to think that people that listen to our podcast enough will know that. I do also like, we say stuff. Also, you've got to remember sometimes when at the twilight. Yeah, I think also sometimes you've got to remember that. Although we're recording this and it's going out to tens of thousands of people,

had to just put that figure out there. We are, when we're recording, reading things, it's just like two best friends talking. Can you imagine if your group chat or the conversations that you have with friends got put out there? Sometimes we say things without thinking. Yeah, it might not expose some of your group chat.

Yeah, anyway, a long time ago, I was in a sexless marriage due to an undiagnosed medical problem which caused excruciating pain during sex. Years went on and my GP in hospital dismissed it and said it was a psychological issue. Finally, after being referred to another consultant, vulva vestibulitis with additional vaginosomal, vaginismus. Okay, I don't know what that is. I mean, yeah, sorry if I've clearly said that wrong. It took a long time to recover from this, but I felt I was starting to get back on track.

However, I soon realized that I no longer found my husband sexually attractive due to associating him with the pain of sex and sex with him and the understandable resentment that he had built towards me over the years. At this time, I hadn't felt normal as I couldn't even have sex with my husband and I felt extremely low because of it. I felt broken, emotionally neglected and unsupported. I tried to communicate my needs and asked him to attend sex therapy sessions with me, but I was dismissed more times than I could count. We were hoping to start a family, but I did not want to do this while feeling the way I did. I loved him so

much, however, we had become more like roommates through these difficult years. He wanted to bury his head with our problems and I must admit I wasn't as communicative as I should have been about my feelings for fear of hurting his. Stupid really as I ended up hurting him more down the line. Eventually I made the mistake and cheated with a married man. I had someone giving me the attention I craved and despite battling off numerous times, his tenaciousness finally got the better of me. On a low day, I'm not proud of it. My husband found out and despite the initial anger towards me, begged for me back and defended my actions

to outsiders which actually made me feel even worse. I knew my marriage was over deep down. He was as unhappy as me, just coming from a place of fear. For years after our split, I tortured myself for the pain I had caused him and his family. This gave me severe depression and anxiety. Ten years later, my second husband left me for a work colleague when my child was two. After the initial pain of what happened, I felt relieved that karma had finally caught up with me. I didn't react to the affair as much as I was going through so much pain for the life I thought my child would have had. I

saw this as punishment for my past behaviour. I guess what I'm trying to say is that as much as Tash is absolutely correct in saying that cheating comes from a lack of self-worth and insecurity, not everyone is a slut for doing it. That's not what I've said. So, okay, thank you, but that's not what I said. I feel, I mean, literally, I actually don't know if it was in last week's episode I was saying how don't blame the woman, they're manipulated, they're lied to, they're so, yeah. I feel it is so easy to say this when you haven't been in this position. When I hear comments such as once a cheater, always a cheater, it makes me angry. I know I will never cheat again and communicate how I'm feeling in my relationship.

Past experience, accepting accountability and my inner work makes me positive of this. Saying that I also appreciate that there are cheats that do this time and time again and have no accountability for their actions and I feel so sad for those affected. People cheat for many reasons and while cheating is not something I defend or take lightly, reducing a woman to a label because of one wrong decision, especially without understanding the full story is unfair and harmful. Again, I didn't do that. This often, sorry, but I'm not going to sit here taking an email like this when it's been taken out of context so much. There's often a lot more behind those choices than what's visible on the surface.

I now, 17 years later, don't believe my action define me as a person or makes me a slut. Again, if you'd asked me my opinion, I would agree with you. I'm sharing this not to justify cheating, but to ask for a bit more empathy in how these conversations are framed. I'm very empathetic, but I won't change how I am on the podcast. Labels like the one used in the episode can be really damaging and dismissive, especially when they ignore the human complexity behind these choices. Thanks for reading. My intention is not to offend, just educate. I don't need educating on me having an opinion about people that cheat. People that cheat aren't necessarily sluts, but at the end of the day, people are making active choices

to cheat. Or to not leave before engaging with... Yeah. You weren't happy you could have left. Yeah, and you said you felt very clear that you weren't attracted to him, you weren't happy. At that point, you should have left. I feel like if anything,

I'm not throwing you under the bus, but I feel like out of me and Carly, I'm sometimes more the one that sometimes tries to see the other side more so. So I'm sorry I've clearly offended you, but I really think that you've taken it out of context. If every episode whenever we spoke about cheaters, I was like, oh, here comes another slut or another line of sluts. I also were allowed to have our own opinions on what's acceptable in a relationship and how people conduct themselves. And look, like, some people might hear your email

and think that you are trying to justify that you cheated. I'm not saying that. I think it's great that you've learned from it. And you know, you've said like, it's not something you'll ever do again and things like that. I also think people are entitled to also say, once a cheat, always a cheat.

I wouldn't go out with a cheater. And also like, I don't know, put yourself in someone else's shoes. Like for example, the married man who you cheated with, how his wife would feel when having that empathy for other people on the receiving end of it, how that impacts someone's life as well. It's not just your life is impacting it actually. And I'm not saying that's not the marriage man's fault as well, I'm just saying everything we do has a knock on effect on how people feel.

And we're allowed to sit here and you know, it really wasn't that deep. I think we're allowed to say passing comments, you know, we do, we are just like live reacting to things. It's not that deep. We're like, you're a disgusting dirty slut. That's not what's been said in any way, shape or form. I do think it's been taken slightly out of context, but also like, I don't, I don't, I don't believe in cheating. I think it's wrong. And whilst people can be in situations where, you know, you said

like he was, he was quite persistent for a while. Like if you knew that pressure was there, I don't know, do you know what I mean? Hold a firm boundary. I've got to be honest, I sort of feel like you've been triggered by me saying the word slut because of stuff that you've done that you know isn't right. So I'm sorry I offended you. Yeah, thank you for yourself for that.

I mean, I don't know if you're gonna carry on listening to the podcast after this episode. It doesn't really sound like you're much of a fan anyway. But yeah, I am who I am. I was not expecting that. What? That email. That was a turn of event. Like I've always said, I'm so open to growth, to getting constructive criticism, but I also think maybe it's worth reflecting on why it triggered you.

I think the thing is what's actually interesting is I'm, we mentioned it because we got a comment about it. And when I spoke about it, then so many of you messaged me afterwards or messaged us, I think on the teaser. I can't remember how it was, it might've just been on Patreon, being like, we knew you were just joking, like it wasn't that deep,

so maybe this is a self-reflection thing. Anyway, confession of the week. Oh no, let's do a product of the week first. Wait, I know we've actually already done a product of the week first. Wait. I know we've actually already done a product of the week for tan, but I want to shout out to the tan that I'm using at the moment. It is the new oil spray from Be Perfect. I've only really ever got on with Be Perfect fake tan.

I haven't really tried any, well, I have tried others, but I haven't liked any others. This is their new tanning oil. I love it. I think it's also, funny about oil. The only thing I would say that's a bit annoying is I spray it on the mitt, not my body. And when you do spray it on the mitt,

I do do it over the sink. That's the only thing I would say is a bit annoying. But like it goes on such, such like a nice consistency that I then go out with it before I wash it off. It's really nice and I feel like it comes off very naturally. It doesn't go scaly or horrible. Yeah. And we're both looking very bronze at the moment.

Confession of the week. Okay, nice, short and sweet. When I found out my husband had been cheating, I used his credit card to pay for the divorce. Oh did you? Love that. Love that. Pay for that energy. Okay, we're gonna make it another week. I am not a slut. I am not a slut. Thank you guys for listening. We love you. Bye. See you next week. Love you, bye.