Not As We Planned - 99. He Did Cheat.. But it Was My Fault

Episode Date: July 23, 2025

We have an honest conversation about the financial pressures of being a single mum, when you catfish your partner by pretending to be the other woman, and a hard story of emotional abuse whilst managing to break the trauma bondLink to our shop - www.notasweplanned.shopProducer: @TristanHehirCity Lights by Ghostrifter Official | https://soundcloud.com/ghostrifter-officialMusic promoted by https://www.free-stock-music.comCreative Commons / Attribution-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported (CC BY-ND 3.0)https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/3.0/ Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys! Hi! You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel that I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys! Welcome back to another episode of Not As We Plan. We hope you're doing well. The sun is shining. It's nice and hot. So guys, like last year, and I guess this is

the whole single mom vibe, but we are going to be having a short break over the summer holidays just because childcare, it can be difficult and... Yeah. Citing our diaries and stuff. However, if you need that fix over the summer, you can go and head over to Patreon. It is a five pound a month. And what is good is there's probably now about 60 episodes that you can binge over the summer. So if you need that fix, even if it's just for the summer,

join for a month. That also means you've got access to the chat. You've got access to our Zooms, which we'll still be doing over the summer. And there will still be new episodes on Patreon weekly on a Monday. So this is your chance to go and catch Patreon. And we will be back in September, bigger and better. And maybe weller. And somewhere different. And maybe somewhere different. I feel like we actually both had like a horrendous week. Yay! But we're coming at you with positive vibes.

We're coming. Positive energy. And do you know what actually helped me this morning? It was listening to today's episode where you were like, you were having a really bad day and I was like, you're the most positive person ever. like feel it and then tomorrow's a new day and I've got to be honest, I did not take my own advice. I have dragged my sad, emotional mood through the week. But I thought, do you know what? I don't. We both do find the podcast quite therapeutic, talking it out, hashing things out.

Even helping other people through their emails, I find it does help me. 100%. Like release that negative energy. As well, sometimes hearing back to yourself a few weeks ago when you were going through something and you don't realize that you're gonna need to hear that again in a couple of weeks. So this morning I was like, hell yeah motherfucker.

Yeah, so I'm going to, I've, I've woken up trying to be positive. We like that. Um, who's going first with our update? I, do you want mine? I'll go first because I feel like mine's less. Positive. No, no, it's not. But I have felt, I think it's something that is not spoken about publicly with single parents,

but I know is so prominent amongst us is that financial stress of being a single parent. And while I have felt it this week. I feel like I'm paying a mortgage that is extortionate on my own. I have bills literally coming from every single direction. I've got tax. I've got, you know, when you just feel like everything comes at once. I've got another email. It's like, oh, you owe this, this, and another email, and another email. And I literally was just like, what the fuck am I meant to do? And I've just felt this enormous overwhelm of feeling the pressures of being a single mum, feeling the financial burden of being a single mum, and thinking, how am

I actually going to do this? How am I actually going to pay the mortgage next month and do this and I did get myself down such an awful hole and I was so negative. Yeah, I won't lie, like I was in a really, really stressed place. I have been in a bit of a funk this week and then I had a session with, I had therapy on Tuesday night and actually it's like the first time I've properly spoken about a lot of other stuff that's gone on like in the recent weeks. I've briefly spoken about it to people, but I've not really been able to articulate it

because there's elements of that I'm still processing. But the financial element, I kind of got it all out. And then yesterday I was like, right, what am I gonna do about it? And I've got in my office, I've got like these two big whiteboards and I did like some big diagrams on it. I'm like, right, this is what we're gonna do.

This is what we're gonna do. And yesterday just had the most productive day. I was like, I'm not going to gym. I'm not doing anything. I'm sitting here and I'm working it out. And I think sometimes I need to write things down, get it all out, come up with ideas. And actually I feel like it sparked a bit

of like creativeness in me that I was lacking. And maybe like sometimes you do need to hit a shit point for you to feel motivated and driven. And yeah, just I guess I just wanted to normalize that that feeling of financial overwhelm as a single parent relying on one salary, taking on the burden, you know, I pay for all uniforms, I pay for all extracurricular, I pay for everything. And sometimes it's a lot. And I do sometimes think, God, one day I'm going to look back and think, how the fuck did you do that? How did you actually make that work for as long as you did? But yeah, I'm feeling a lot more positive. I had a really positive day yesterday and I'm feeling really positive today. And tonight is a full moon and I am doing a full moon ritual.

But like you should do this tonight. I'm doing a full moon ritual. So at home when you're at home. So I was charging my crystals yesterday and the kids were like, mommy, why are your crystals there? I'm like, I'm charging them. Tomorrow's a full moon. And they actually want to do it with me.

So obviously I'm not going to do it when it's dark for them because hashtag doesn't get late till 10. Yeah. But I said to them, like, tomorrow's a full moon. We're going to get rid of something we don't like. So what I'm going to do is write things that are no longer serving me on a piece of paper, burn them, put it out, and then I'm gonna write, like do, I'm gonna manifest, write things down

that I do want, I've got my crystals, I've got certain crystals that kind of resonate more with some of my things I wanna manifest. But I've not actually done physically my vision board for this year yet. I wanted to be in the right head space. Obviously at the start of the year, I was going through a breakup,

didn't wanna do it on a negative vibration. I wanted to be more clear on what I want. And I've done it all on Pinterest, just haven't physically done it. So I thought, what a good night to sit and do it. I'm really gonna light my candles. I honestly do. Gonna light my candles.

I'm gonna be in really good vibes. And that is what I'm going to light my candles, I'm going to be in really good vibes and that is what I'm doing tonight. So I'm actually kid free tonight but I've got plans with friends but I've got nothing. I'm kid free on Friday night so I might do something similar. I've been writing again which I feel like has been nice to sort of crack into that. But yeah, I feel like my week has just sort of like, I think unfortunately, and this is probably why we say things like, don't let it go into the next day and the next day. I feel like when you are on that sort of like low vibration, you're almost like attracting what you're putting out. And I feel like one bad thing happened

and then it's sort of like more bricks were being added to my layers and it's just pushing me more and more down to the ground. And then I feel like on top of that, my kids, especially yesterday, before their dad picked them up, quite honestly, I think I can say the worst they've ever been collectively, all

three altogether ever. And yesterday I was struggling so much mentally. And the only thing I can probably say is that they're feeding off my energy. 100%. They're sponges. Yeah. And I think especially Blake, he's so empathetic and I feel like he really does follow my lead in regards to how I'm feeling. And I think that in itself then almost like gives you guilt because you're like, oh, they're acting like that because I'm vital. You need to look at yourself because you are a human and you're allowed to feel human emotions. And that's also really important to show your kids that people go through different things

and experience emotions and you know even saying and naming the emotion mommy is feeling stressed or sad yeah that's okay yeah I think it's also like so without going into too much detail on Sunday night handover with their dad was quite possibly the worst experience we've ever had in our co-parenting relationship. And unfortunately, whatever did happen, the kids were there. And since then Blake's behavior has been horrific. Now it might be a combination of him witnessing that as well as it's coming to the end of year. I get the feeling, I remember roughly this time last year, he was probably acting out a bit. It's that change and that worry of like the school year's ending, the anticipation of a new school year.

And it's structured at the end of the year. Yeah. But also he's probably exhausted. And also he's just found out that his absolute best friend is moving to Dubai. So it's also knowing. So I think a lot of all of that, and then I feel really guilty that what he saw that he shouldn't have, because we pretty much had,

without going into too much detail, a very, very big fight that I completely and utterly lost myself in. Like, I'm annoyed I allowed him to get so under my skin. Again, I get it, we're human. I think also it's such a contrast from the co-parenting relationship that we've had, you know. It was only 13 months ago that we were in Disney together and now we're at a point where I've pretty much made it clear he's no longer allowed to step foot into my house because of what happened and I completely and utterly lost myself. I allowed him to get under my skin and I exploded because he pushed me to

my absolute limit and I won't have that disrespect regardless of whether it was in front of the kids or not. His behavior was so unacceptable and I guess it's just really sad when you... And look, we've said it before, co-parenting relationships is like a roller coaster. You've got to ride the waves. sometimes it's smooth sailing and sometimes it's really amicable and other times it is at such a low that you're like, we are never going to be okay again. And how is this the rest of my life or at least for the next 18 years or whatever it is. And it is very hard to manage when you cannot get away from that person that you have such a hate towards. I think what also annoys me is I didn't have hate for him anymore. I was so indifferent. I have such a hate towards. I think what also annoys me is I didn't have hate

for him anymore. I was so indifferent. I don't care about him. I don't care about his life. I'm actually happy he's happy. Like you do you, I'll do me. We're at a point where we see each other, but it's just got so nasty and so toxic.

And unfortunately it's now getting legal and it's like, why are we in this place when we're fucking divorced? Like it's been three years, like I obviously don't know what he's going through and if I'm having to unfortunately get the brunt of whatever he's dealing with. I count my lucky stars that in all other areas of my life

I am content, but but blood it is just unbelievably draining and it has sucked the life out of me on top of other things one of which I probably will touch more on Patreon just because it is that bit more personal. But yeah it's been a ride that I really want to get off. So I'm trying to be more positive today. Hopefully you guys can bring us some positive energy. Well, yeah. And I'll just quickly say I went to the place that Tash went to a few weeks back, Bain... Bain Lodge.

Bain Lodge. Lodge. And oh my God, if you were looking for like a UK staycation, cannot recommend it. It's gorgeous. It's just had the best time. I feel like we haven't even spoken properly this week because we've both been on like, we haven't. Not great, but like I want to eventually hear about having lunch and you need to tell me

about it. I will. Isn't it just gorgeous? I want to go back. Yeah, so do I. Yeah, I'm around. Okay. Anyway guys, before we start, if anyone has something that they want to share, even if you think that it's like, oh, it's not really something that you've ever touched on,

or if it's not even to do with relationships, then it's actually to do with friendships, or just anything, like send it in. Life, life. Yeah. We just, yeah. Send it in, we wanna share it, we wanna just continue to reach people

and allow people to not feel alone in whatever it is that they're going through. They're going. Let's do it. What have we got? It's gonna be weird today. It's because I've not got my lashes on. I've got mascara on. I don't wear lashes anymore. No, but I normally do. I like them.

They look alright. It's because I think I'm going in water this weekend, so I don't want to wear, so I'm trying to get used to myself with my lashes. They look good. I don't think you need them. All right. I am the catfish from the wellness event. Let's listen. Okay. Do we, did we speak?

I'm trying to think of that. I feel like we might. It might ring a bell. Go. Hi girls. I briefly told my story at the wellness event and all I can say is get comfy because it's a long and wild one. My ex, let's call him Brian. It's his real name, but he's more commonly known as bollocky Bill, prick McGinty or dad of the year. I love how she's like, let's call him Brian and that's up to his name. In other words, my ex Brian.

We met in February 2017. I was in my final year in college so I'm going to blame the whole thing on being young and stupid. I can relate. Or just stupid in both cases. I don't know, you weren't young, you were just stupid. Our first date lasted three days, Friday to Sunday. He asked me to be his girlfriend on the Saturday, I think it was. About three or four weeks later came the I love you.

Looking back now I can see it. At the time love bombing wasn't even in my vocabulary. So fast forward to January of 2018, I moved in with him and he was renting the house off the parents who mostly lived in Spain and was told we would be moving to our own place once we found something decent. Totally loved up, I agreed. Silly me. I soon learned about his weed addiction but according to him he wasn't addicted. You can't get addicted to it. Again, silly me. But this is where it all felt shit. The arguments were off the chart. Never having lived with a boy and being naive, I stayed. He threw fits over

nothing and then one day it was about me being on the pill. If I loved him I would come off it and we would start a family. This became a running theme until Silly Me came off it. We went to Naples in April 2018, so the arguments are from the January. In Naples, surprise, surprise, another row, and he took to the bed. So I went and bought him weed and all the bits he needed. Like magic, he was lovely, happy. I was buying drugs abroad.

Don't I? Sometimes you get people come up to you. Really? Yeah. I just find it, like, it might just be me because I'm so naive when it comes to drugs. I don't think it's readily available, but who knows? I've never been in that. There's some that's not put, like, something in it that's going to keep you.

You don't. You don't. I just make, it makes me so nervous that people do that. Anyway, sorry. No, I just don't get the appeal in any shape or form. Fucking stupid. Don't do that. Anyway, sorry. No, I just don't get the appeal in any shape or form. Fucking stupid. Don't do drugs. That's the affirmation of the week. Yeah. Do hugs, not drugs. So I went and bought him weed and all the bits he needed and like magic, he was lovely, happy Brian. I should have run then. But instead I stayed and was pregnant the following month.

All the promises under the sun about stopping smoking and we'd get our own place. All the bullshit. Our son was born in February 2019 and dad of the year was zero help. He worked nights in the hospital and at the start he would clean the bottles when he'd get home for the day. The morning one would be already ready so he didn't wash the bottles. It was no big deal. And then that was the problem. It wasn't fair on him having to work then come home and having to wash the bottles. Nothing was ever fair. So we had row after row after row and each time never his fault. I didn't satisfy him sexually. I wouldn't

give him blowjobs he said repeatedly from day one that he doesn't like them. They make him uncomfortable. Never heard a man who didn't like blowjobs. But hold on. She didn't give them to him but he said that he didn't like them. So that's probably why she didn't give them no? Probably. Why was this not my first red flag? What guy doesn't like them? Literally. I didn't support him emotionally. The house was always messy and he had to clean it. There was never dinner ready for him. He wouldn't eat it anyway. Or my personal favourite, he was sitting there doing nothing, looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp. Very niche.

Very niche. A woman. Such a nice guy, I know. This went on right up to the end. There would be nice days here and there, maybe even a week of nice and stable, but it would always go back to utter chaos. Continue and need zero help with our son. I went back to work but only part time as per his orders. It was maybe five minutes from where we lived.

I would leave at 3pm and wake him up before I'd leave. He was always home before 8am the weeks he was working. I would have to go home again to re-wake him. One day I didn't and he didn't wake up. Our son was in the playpen alone for five hours. Yes, I feel guilty as hell. His parents, also a major problem, both enabling dickheads and never nice to our son. They always are. And still. Anyway, that's the background story. So sorry if it's long. Fast forward to January of 2022 and he was asleep on the bed with our son both in the same position. It was cute. So I went to take a photo. My phone was downstairs. So I took his. But I'd set my stomach turn. He doesn't have

swipe up camera on his phone. So I had to unlock it. And he was messaging a girl, Jessica on a porn hub. You can message people. I think we just need to assume moving forward that any site or app you can message. Shellshock doesn't even begin to describe it. I put our son in his car and packed a bag for each of us and went downstairs. And when our son woke up, we went to a hotel. But it was the first time it had ever happened. He didn't know why he did it. He was so sorry. It wouldn't happen again. know why he did it. He was so sorry. It wouldn't happen again. Silly, silly girl believed El. And this happened a few times. I didn't confront him on all of them. And when I did, he would worm his way out of it. He was depressed. He wanted to kill himself or it was my fault

because I didn't satisfy him. And he would fake it when we did have sex. Makes two of us, hon. But you can't fake getting hard. No, but you can, I guess they can fake that they've come. True. Can you? If you're wearing a condom, maybe. I don't know. Well, I guess all they need to do is, uh, that hard for a man to come. Clearly was for him man to come. Clearly it was for him. Anywho.

I think she needs to fake it when we did have sex. It makes two of us on. But my already low and battered self didn't do anything about it until... What? I definitely haven't heard this story, so I don't know if she told you about it. I decided to make an account on Pornhub, used my middle name Louise and found him. I did him as a friend and got talking. Fuck.

He was open that he had a girlfriend, but the relationship was dead in the water and he didn't know how to end it. Right. So then he asked if I had a Snapchat account. I didn't know that at the time he was chatting to girls on Snapchat, so I said I didn't but I could make one. I still have it if anyone has suspicions on the other half. Lol. So, oh, so I made my fake Snapchat and he asked for a selfie, a live one, to see I was the girl I was, supposedly. How are you meant to do that? I was upstairs. Sorry, he was upstairs, I was downstairs.

Fucking hell! I found a dark corner and half covered my face, But he'd already recognized and sent it to him. He told me how beautiful I was. Fuck off! I fucking just... Why is it making me so uncomfortable? I don't know why. And this went on for a few days and then he suggested that we meet.

Oh my God. That his girlfriend would be gone for a few days and he'd have a free house so they could go to a hotel. I was shook. I still didn't leave though, did I? Oh my God. I confronted him. Oh no, I would have made him go to the hotel. Oh my god, me too. Me too, we sat on the bed. Like, I know what you did last summer. I confronted him and he denied the whole thing.

What? He's here, he's here Brian. He's here Brian! I confronted him and he denied the whole thing and somehow Jedi mind tricked me into stating, this is master manipulator right here. What an idiot I was. Shortly after this in the October, he threw a fit in work one night, landed home after an hour or two, refused to answer any calls from work and didn't go back. I supported the three of us on my part-time wage. So while all this was going on we were building a house near my parents. You can imagine the tantrums over that. It's not big enough. That's the wrong window. I don't want this. I don't

want that. Ugh. We get to January of 2023. He got the bus to my parents. Myself and our son had moved there the first few days of the month because he would be starting preschool full time. Prick didn't move with us because he was still packing. My birthday is January the 6th, a Friday. The having moved and break up timeline is important later, but we were meant to go to the cinema to see the Tom Hanks movie on the Sunday.

He wanted to get dropped to the city to get a bus back home. I found this odd, so I checked his phone when he was in the shower. And lo and behold, there he was, messaging girls, on another porn site and Snapchat. I said nothing. I dropped into the bus. We barely spoke on the Monday. I text him on the Tuesday the 10th. I've attached my message. Yeah, she's called Brian.

So she wrote, yeah, I don't think that's going to happen. Daddy, Daddy Dom one. That was his username. Sorry. Daddy Dom one. It's quite funny. I've sometimes joked and said that's my boyfriend. He's like, you can't call me that when I'm a dad. No, no. He's like, yeah. I don't get that whole thing. No, neither. He was like, please don't ever do that ever again. I was doing it. So sometimes now just to wind him up, I do it. He's like, no, because that's what his kids call him.

Like it's weird. It's weird. Thank you, daddy. I feel like daddy only really works in an American accent. That's what his kids call him. Like it's weird. It's weird. Thank you daddy. I feel like daddy only really works in an American accent. Thank you, Dazzy. Hi daddy. Right, anyway, I don't think that's going to happen. Daddy Dom, one. I told you before, if it happened again,

it would be the end of us. So I hope the snaps from Redhead Devil 2, whatever her snap name is, or any of the others on Pornhub or BDSMLR are worth it. The trust is completely gone. It's broken. You broke it. Nearly three hours later, like four hours later, he writes back, can I talk to you please? And she said, what's the point?

It'll just be more excuses. He was like, there won't be. Please talk to me, please. Do you want me to leave you alone? If I sort myself out, and I mean properly, and see someone, will that make a difference? Because I do have a problem. I mean weed and everything. Okay, so now we know what the message is. So that ended. He saw our son, all was going fine, until I got a letter in the door from his solicitor about how I stayed in the village when my parents lived with our son following a visit at Christmas and did not return. No, no, this was fully planned. The plasterer came on the Thursday to plaster the inside of the house and that's how close we were to moving him. Then followed some messy, messy court dates, vicious solicitor's letters

all about how I'm such a terrible person and he just wants to be able to see his son. Yeah, right. Although he should really get an Oscar for the Waterworks performance he put on in court, the sobbing about how he wants to be able to parent our son. Can't even look after himself. Half his fucking teeth are missing. They heard. Surely like. Get him drugs tested. A lot happened, including our son being in such a bad way after access from our GP referred him to the hospital.

Who referred him to psychology. Dad of the year still hasn't signed the consent form even though he was told by the judge to do it. My son's granddad on dad's side has physically hit him. All reported but nothing done yet. Still fuming. 2024 was a rather level year. He got a new girlfriend. She's nice to our son. No heads up she would be meeting him or sleeping in the same bed as our son. Would have been nice. Fast forward to 2025 and he has cancelled Access 8 out of 13 weeks. Probably more by the time this episode goes out.

We all knew the novelty would wear off. A family member of his, only one I speak to, has told me all about how Prick McGinty is so controlling of his new girlfriend. Coercive control. I said, oh my god, I'm shocked. Who saw that coming? Lull. And also that she has had a stroke. She looks early thirties, a hundred percent the stress of being with him. She's alive. That's all I know. Do I care? Not really. But in better news and to end on a happier note, I started dating back in September, 2024. Boy, oh boy, there have been some interesting ones. The one with multiple convictions he never told me about. The one that said I love you after the first date. The one who drunk drove an hour away on the motorway at twice the speed

limit after we had a drunken row. The one after my tarot reading at the event when the lady said the guy I was seeing, I know who this was. Go on. When the lady said the guy I was seeing wasn't my person. Did she have dark hair? I feel like I can't remember now. I feel like I remember her. The guy I was seeing wasn't my person. That one fizzled out. No, she had blonde hair. Really? Sure she had blonde hair, yeah. When the lady said the guy I was seeing wasn't my person, that one fizzled out pretty quickly. I remember being like, what are you going to do?

But I recently had my 11th first date. He ticks most of the boxes of what the mind blowing sex one just yet. We were chatty on Hinge since the start of March, met the end of June. Wow. After the first date, pitch and part, there were no crazy butterflies or sparkly fireworks, just contentment. Second date cinema, super relaxed and comfortable, with date 3 to come, being planned by him and date 4 we're going to a concert. It's all going really well, no red flags, well not that I've come across yet anyway. Just seems to be a genuine country lad, so watch his space.

Thank you ladies for everything you do. I found your podcast when I needed it the most. You'll never know how many people you've both helped. Looking forward to the next event. Well, let's just take a minute. You know what? Like, I bet listening to what you've read is maybe sometimes quite hard to think like, can't

believe I stayed and then I did it again and again and again. But I think like we always say that you've got to be in that headspace and ready to draw a line and I can really relate to that because the amount of things that I found out or had happened and then I was like, I'm just not ready yet. Like I don't want to leave. People can give you all this advice if you even choose to tell them what's going on, but until you're at that point where you're really ready to let go,

you're not going to, and you got there in the end. And look, hopefully this person that you're dating at the moment, you can give us an update in a few months and things are going well, but if not, it sounds like you're doing really well. You now know what to look out for, what you won't tolerate, and each disaster date that you've had, hopefully is either an experience

or a lesson. Yeah, I think it just, I agree. I think it shows like, you only leave when you're ready to leave and you can push shit under the carpet continuously, but you have to hit that point. You get that light bulb moment and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? And you have to get out. And again, like it's really, you've, what you've gone through is a lot. And hopefully that gives inspiration and hope to anyone else listening who is literally feels like they're just putting up with the absolute shit time and time again. Nothing's changing. I just think it really helps other women. So thank you. Yeah. Okay. This is an interesting subject. Are you ready?

No. Woman he cheated with recommended your podcast. Trigger warning for domestic abuse. The woman he cheated with recommended your podcast. Thank you. Are you ready? Oh my gosh. It is a trigger warning for domestic abuse. Okay, hello ladies.

I've been a big fan of yours for a while now, but I finally feel ready to share my story. I found listening to emails from your listeners and the amazing advice you give massively helpful in my healing journey so thank you. Hopefully my story can help someone else. Today marks the first anniversary of the day that I fled my toxic abusive ex-partner. We were together two years and have a baby girl who is now 17 months although it was only five months when we split. My story starts as these things always do with a fairy tale beginning, love bombing and a whole host of misread flags. He was everything I wanted, fit and attractive, both rusting the emergency services into the

same outdoor hobbies. He already had two children to two different mums and seems to be an amazing dad to them. Although now that I'm a mum, I can see that this is far from the truth. Would it put you off if you met someone that had two kids with two different mums? Yeah. Just to be honest, I could lie and pretend, but yeah. When we first met in June 2022, I thought it would be just a holiday fling as we lived over 500 miles and an eight hour driver's ride from each other. Peggy came on strong and told me that he didn't want to be casual,

so we did long distance, meeting halfway and making the effort to travel to see one another at every opportunity, which was every few weeks. He introduced me to his children within a week, something I didn't realize at the time was a red flag. It made me feel special, how naive was I? But I now know he does this to every woman as he uses

them to help with the childcare and playing the doting dad adds to his nice sky routine. I can't imagine you're one of your hinge prongs looking for a big anny. After a couple of months together he asked if I had even considered having children and said that I'd make an amazing mum. He said he'd love more children so long story short we started trying for a baby. That didn't live together though. Another red flag I know, I just want to go back and scream at myself to run. As our relationship progressed so did his love bombing but interspersed with his episodes of being very critical and

calling me names. But I'd make excuses for his behavior, always putting it down to stress or tiredness because of his line of work. He stopped making the effort to visit and expected me to always make the journey down. The distance also meant that I had to put a lot of trust in him. But there were several occasions where I really felt

that I was being lied to, things that didn't add up with where he was or who he was with. He had a lot of friends who were girls but I had a gut feeling he was cheating. I can't believe they were trying for a baby with an eight hour distance between them. However, when I brought up or asked about these friends, he would get defensive and say he was just a friendly person and start trying to change him. Over time, this turned full-blown gas lighting. I never managed to get access to check his phone, you know the kind, the guy

that takes his phone to the shower, but would see snippets of messages and conversations over his shoulder. And when I asked about it, he would tell me it was nothing, made up more lies about why he was using the aubergine emojis for instance, or worse, say that he did cheat, that it would be my fault for asking him about it so often. Oh my god. I soon learned not to ask as staying silent was just easier. Meanwhile his behaviour became increasingly controlling. Everything was on his terms. It was one rule for one, one rule for another. He would accuse me of cheating on a regular basis and would call me all hours of the day and sometimes in the middle of the night to check that I was alone and not

with other men. He would constantly accuse me of sleeping with people at work. I'd distance myself from all my colleagues and any male friends that I had. I also stopped socialising and would spend my evenings alone at home in case he called. Meanwhile, he was the one going on regular nights out on weekends away. He suggested that I should move down and in with him as he couldn't move because of the children. I stupidly believe that once I lived with him, he would see that I wasn't cheating and that I was loyal to him and things would improve. So I took steps to start to pack up my life, my job, my home, et cetera.

Fast forward to May, 2023 and I found out that I was pregnant. Despite my increasing concerns over his behaviour, I was over the moon and so excited. Unfortunately, I feel like he ruined my pregnancy somewhat by not supporting me and continuing to prioritise himself and his own agenda. I had to beg for him to come to the initial scan. He called me selfish and had a massive go at me for it. So he said that I'd already done it twice and didn't see the point. Oh my God. He did not attend any of the other scans or appointments.

Disgusting. Greta. I moved down and in with him during the later stages of my pregnancy but it quickly went from bad to worse. He wouldn't let me prepare or decorate a nursery for the baby. Instead gave me a small wardrobe that me and the baby had to share. I think how... No.

He made me get rid of almost all the stuff I had brought down, claiming there wasn't enough room for it. It was a three bedroom house he lived in. One of his children stayed one night a week and the other didn't stay at all. Our beautiful daughter was born by c-section in January 2024 and from the very first day she was born he did absolutely nothing to help me with her. He didn't bath, feed or change her. He sat in the spare room as he didn't want to be woken up in the night so I was forced to get us up and down despite being in agony following major surgery. He used his paternity leave to renovate the kitchen rather than spend time with me and the baby. He expected me to do all the cooking and cleaning in addition to him all the childcare and got annoyed if I

reminded him of the fact that I had been told by the doctor that I wasn't allowed to do any heavy lifting, housework, driving etc for six weeks so much so that I ended up doing these things against the doctor's orders. He did not adjust his lifestyle at all and continued doing whatever he wanted with his friends, leaving me home alone a lot with no family or friends for support. The instance when our daughter was nine days old, he went away for a lad's weekend. Makes me really sad. He then went away for another lad's weekend on her first Easter and multiple days and nights out in between. If I challenged him,

I was told that's just what it's like for a mum. Nanana, hold my poodle. Literally hold my fucking poodle. I cannot with this person. Over the next few months, his controlling behaviour got worse. He had a ring doorbell camera put on the front and back of the house and when I left the house at all he would call me and ask where I was going and who I was meeting. He would call me dozens of times a day to see what I was doing and if I was out for a walk, shopping, coffee etc. he would accuse me of being with other men. Despite the fact I was always with the baby, I didn't know many people in the area, I eventually stopped doing things as it was just easier. He threatened to check my phone to make sure I wasn't texting men

and I became reluctant to even text friends and family for the fear of checking my phone and seeing what I was saying. It's horrible. He also used to coerce me into having sex with him. I was doing sexual things for him just days after my C-section and this only continued. If we didn't have sex regularly enough he would threaten to go out and cheat on me in order to get his needs met or would accuse me of cheating if I said I wasn't in the mood. The reality being that I was just absolutely exhausted

from doing all the housework and the childcare alone but again it was just easier to do what he wanted. My daughter was four months old and I reached breaking point after a bout of verbal abuse and name calling and spoke to a friend about how I was feeling, still very unsure if I was just being too sensitive or needy to expect more help from him. Believing his gaslighting had completely altered my sense of reality and I thought maybe my postpartum state was causing me to be too dramatic. My friend was extremely concerned and told me there were loads of red flags. This led me to start googling emotional abuse and I plucked out the courage to contact Women's Aid who confirmed that I was absolutely in an abusive

relationship. I felt validated and it gave me the strength I needed to get out. Women's Aid helped me create a safe strategy for leaving, bearing in mind I could hardly even walk into the garden without an interrogation. My family were incredible. Once I told them what was going on, they dropped everything to help me. I'm so glad, like, I'm very happy. A month later, I fled one day whilst he was at work with a suitcase and a five month old baby. The next few months were incredibly difficult. He wouldn't accept that I'd ended the relationship claiming not to understand what he had done wrong. I was still under

the spell of his control and manipulation, hello Trauma Bond. I lived in a constant state of fear that he would try and get revenge on me for leaving or take my daughter away from me. He tried every trick in the book to try and win me back, but I knew I could never return. I needed to protect my daughter from growing up in a home with a man who treated women like this. She needed to know it wasn't okay. He was still having contact with her, with me there, but he hadn't been interested in her when we were together, so it was less about her and more about him checking up on me and what I was up to. To make matters worse throughout this time he was desperately trying to get me to give him a second chance, however I told him I didn't want to get back together as even aside from the

way he treated me I didn't trust him and had a feeling he'd been cheating on me during our relationship. He assured me that he had never cheated and was mortified at the accusation. I needed to know for sure was I going crazy. So I did some digging messaging some of the women I suspected and uncovered a whole host of infidelities including a four month long relationship whilst I was pregnant. More on that later. Multiple dirty weekends away with random women and as Ty Massouce, he was visiting on a regular basis for years, included in the weeks after we had our daughter.

Wow. And this will be the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure. I was absolutely broken. But it was the push I needed to walk away for good and not look back. I never even confronted him about what I found out. I just moved back to being near my family. I started therapy and sought the support of AIDS, women's aid again. Over the next six months, I gradually managed to break free of him being in my head and break the trauma bond. My strength gradually returned and I built and maintained my boundaries. He quickly found a new girlfriend and became less interested in me and our daughter. He missed her first birthday and has only seen her twice

in the last six months for an hour each time, his choice. During this time I've spoken to the mothers of his other children, something I was never allowed to do whilst we were together. He made out that they were crazy and didn't want us to have any contact. I've since learned their experiences are almost identical to mine, being cheated on, emotionally abused, controlling behaviour and the relationship breakdown, one during pregnancy, one when the baby was six months old. I firmly believe there will be more victims that I don't know about and he hasn't had the children and he hasn't had children with. Earlier this year, I made a huge decision to report him to the police for domestic abuse, specifically coercive

and controlling behavior. He was arrested and he is currently on bail whilst they conduct their investigation. He's not allowed to contact me during this time and any child contact must be done via a third party. He has chosen not to do this and so hasn't had contact with our daughter in almost three months. I feel this speaks volumes about who he is as a father. Luckily, she's too young to know what is going on and I know she is safe and happy with just me.

At present, I have no idea how the investigation will go or what the future holds. is too young to know what is going on and I know she is safe and happy with just me. At present I have no idea how the investigation will go or what the future holds. I've been doing the work, therapy, journaling and healing alone with no distractions, no dating, feeling my feelings and rebuilding myself all whilst parenting my daughter alone. No matter the outcome, even if the case goes nowhere, I know I've spoken my truth and done everything I can to protect future victims. I think that's so brave that even though you got out, like you went and did that, like some people feel like it, oh my being, yeah too much, like good for you.

I'm starting to feel I may be ready to date again and this time I would be better at spotting the red flags and walking away if they arise. I'm manifesting that I will meet a decent man who will be a good role model to my daughter. I'm nervous about putting myself out there, but I'm proud of the woman and mother I have become as a result of my experience, and I know what I deserve now. I know I'm strong enough to do whatever it takes to do what is best for me and my child.

Oh, and the woman he had a relationship with whilst I was pregnant turned out to be the most lovely woman. We met for coffee, and she told me everything. She knew nothing about me being pregnant and he had told her that we were just good friends. He had lied and gaslit her too. But the silver lining, she is one of your listeners and recommended your podcast. Oh, that gives me goosebumps. Same, I love that. And thank God she did. Lastly, I want to just say that you share so many stories

of horrible men who mistreat women. And we all know that lying and cheating is not a crime, but I'm here to remind you that gaslighting manipulation and controlling behavior, these absolutely are. It's domestic abuse. Please don't hesitate to reach out to an organization like Women's Aid for Support if you're not sure, or go to the police.

These men need to be held responsible for their behavior. Anyway, I'm sorry for the long email. Feel free to cut it down. I just wanted to tell you both how much your podcast has helped me get through the past year. It's been such a huge part in my healing journey. You should be so proud of the network of strong women you are building. Keep up the great work. That was so beautiful. Wow. Also, that was written so beautifully. I don't really have the words. I think how you've dealt with what you've gone through is just so inspiring.

And the fact you've written that from such a positive place where you are now, and it's not you've not just gone through it and got away from that life but you've tried to like help other people as well like yeah it blows my and it blows my mind that you were told about this podcast by someone who had an affair with like that for me it's just I love it when you hear that women come together women do come together that's what we need to do more of like women need to protect. I think the more stories we hear about- That's probably going to happen more. Yeah, but- Wasn't it last week when the woman that had the friend that was cheering and then she

ended up going, tell the woman, she was like, I've told her about your podcast. I feel like it's so nice when you're able to even like, let people know like, here's something that will help you, although you were both like mugged over, I mean, in this occasion, both mugged over by the same man rather than going on the attack with each other or supporting each other. I think what I was gonna say was that,

I think like what I'm kind of picking up on, and it might just be the general gist of emails we've had over the last few weeks, but a lot of these other women don't know they're the other women. They are being manipulated by these men, and it is men. You know, look, if you're a male listener and you wanna give your story,

absolutely email in. We can only go off the general gist of what we're being read. But a lot of these men are manipulating women, particularly the women they're having affairs with. They don't actually know they're the other women. So yeah, we wanna hear more from you. And also, yeah, if you're listening to this and you are the other woman,

I know we have read quite a few emails from the other women, but please don't feel like this is a no judgment free zone. Like we're not here to judge you. We wanna hear from you. Like there are women out there that are being manipulated to a point where they're not aware that they are the other women and once they do find out it's too late and they've they're too drawn in that they don't have that self-respect or that self-worth in order to pack up and leave. Wow. Yeah. Okay, product of the week, so I wanna share

the concealer that I use. I have always had, even as a child, dark circles under my eyes. I can see that Blake's got it too. I actually, it's not actually. It's so very true. Yeah, it's actually, I feel like to do with like the thinness of your muscle,

like the muscle underneath your eyes. Yeah, the skin. Anyway, HMB Cosmetics, it's literally I think like eight pound from Boots. I feel like if you get the right tone, it actually, I've always gone for something like white and light because I feel like it's meant to like lift the colour of my eyes. But I've actually gone for a different tone,

which is more like reddy. Okay. And it's, I feel like it's making such a difference to my under eyes so I love finding products that are really reasonable. Yeah. And do the job really well so go and check it out, it's on Boots but they actually do also sell it on Be Perfect, that brand. Do they? Yep. Let's go for a confession of the week guys. My boyfriend of 10 years decided to call it quits for me just days after we collected the keys to the house we had just bought together. Sometimes their timing is just impactful. I don't understand.

He left me for his adult student who he had been teaching for a year. He thought he would just sell and he'd get his money back quickly. I requested a payment plan and worked two jobs for five years to pay him back gradually. As soon as I finished payments, I sold the house for 200k more than I bought it for. I was able to buy a house in my hometown with the money and be able to afford a renovation. A complete dream come true after a tough few years. Most profitable breakup of my life. Thanks for the interest free loan hun." I'm dead. I like that. Good. I'm glad. Right. Affirmation of the week. I think we need to talk about the bravery from the women that we have heard from today.

I think that you are braver than you realize. You can get through whatever you need to get through. Don't be scared of the unknown. Like, fear can sometimes hold us back from actually doing things that end up making us better people. So hold on to that and be brave. Love you guys. I'll see you next week. Bye.