Not As We Planned - Don’t Be a Ho Ho Ho!! | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: December 18, 2025

We speak about the struggles we can face over xmas, being newly single or not having your children, when staying for the kids is not an option, an email that sets us off emotionally with a lovely thank you, and we hear from a male listener whose repeatedly being cheated on…. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to not as we planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high and I'm one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Merry Christmas. Although it's not actually Christmas yet. You've still got a week, guys. Nearly. I'm not filming. It's time. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just something I need.

And I don't care about the presents, what though I do. What's on your Christmas list, baby? I don't know. Who's going to buy me a present? Well, my mum. You do get some flowers by people that you end things with. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. Merry Christmas, guys.

How is your week? Sorry, but how. How pretty is our set? Please, like, take note, like, nothing is mistaken. Yeah, everything has been curated with purpose. I love these. And I'm really sad it's only for one episode. Should we keep it for a bit longer?

But it would be wrong if you look like this on New York. No, there's nothing worse when you get the ick over Christmas. You know, like, I get it on Boxing day where I'm, like, sat in my house, I'm like, ick. Do you take it down on a boxing day? No, I take it down the day after boxing day. I get the ick. Really? Well, what doesn't give you the ick these days?

What, ow? Yeah, nothing. Everything gives me an ick. Literally. Oh my God, these pyjamas are fucking hot. How, my pits are wet, my tits are wet. I cannot sleep, believe my torso is slightly. I can not go to bed in me.

These pyjamas that we're wearing for anyone that wants to know, they're from home bargains. Don't sleep in them, bloody hell. Ivy's got mini ones, and she has slept in them, and I can confirm she hasn't boiled alive. However, we've got our ornaments from home bargains too, and they don't come with strings. So, home bargains.

If you're listening, I'm not impressed. Do better next year. I'm trying to think of my update. To be honest, I don't really have anything to report you. Look. At what? I am moving my eyebrows with my bow socks. That's why I did this week.

I've got Botox. Did you? Fantastic. Yeah, I could tell. Do you know what? I spoke about it on my Instagram this week. This weekend I had a child free weekend. And I just made me realize how far I've come.

I used to really struggle with like a looming child-free weekend and not having plans in place. And I used to like book myself up like night out, this, this, this, this, do this. Which is great. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it. But it was the first time I craved being on my own. And I'll hold my hands up. I've never had that before. Like I'm a people person.

I like to be around people. My best friends went out. They'd booked a table for dinner. They were going out for drinks afterwards. They were like, come with. I was like, this is going to make me sound like really sad. But like I just want to set home. I want to have a bath.

I want to do nothing. I've been so busy. I was just craving nothing. And that day, my mum was like, come around. I was like, Mama, I actually just want to be on my own. I've got things I want to just do, just jobs around the house. I just want to be on my own. And that's exactly what I did,

despite about three phone calls and voice notes from my best friend, like, can I convince you? And I stayed in. And it's the first time I noticed, like, how at peace I am on my own. I wasn't sat there looking around, like, oh, I wish I had someone to share this with, or, oh, I wish this. I was like, this is absolute bliss. Like, I just thought I'm at peace.

I'm in a lovely home, which is selling. But I just thought I'm not here Like there's no man disturbing my piece I'm not worried about I feel like I may have disturbed what piece Like that really fucking did Dash FaceTime me

And I was in the bath I was like Oh my nipples Is gonna make you smile Fucking how a girl was just having a candlelit But I have a glass of wine I joined you No I must say like it is really impressive

That also like you had option Oh yeah girl's got options There's a difference between like wanting to have a night in and looking forward to it and then actually being like enticed to try and come and do something and you choosing not to. I just feel like God like it's interesting because it's coming up to a year since I've been single and just the growth in that

that was something I really struggled with at the start because where I'd gone into this relationship quite quickly after my marriage ended I'd never really experienced that because all my kid three times with my ex-boyfriend. And yeah I was just like laying you in the bar. thinking like well other than when you're on the phone to me thinking I'm really proud of where I am but also like I hope other people who are in that part where you're struggling with that loneliness because we get messages all the time saying I really struggle when the kids are in bed or I really struggle on my kid free time like please just know like I'm not special I've gone through those feelings of discomfort in those kid free moments and sitting in that discomfort is the thing that has pushed me to now, dare I say it, look forward to it and enjoy it and need and crave it. So that's just been really, I don't know, saying I'm really proud of and

I think it's cool to look back and be like, do you know what, girl? Like, I'm proud of how much you've come on. Love that. You know, I'm back in the part of dating where I'm, there's no one on the roster right now. And I want to go into the new year, just starting fresh, just 2025 did me dirty in the dating and boy bye women might be on the roster for 26 I'm here for that I'm joking Tash literally is like wanting me to be a lesbian you're going to make her anywho I did a question box this morning we have a few so I just thought we would visit a few of them I just wrote funniest funniest or worst relationship or dating stories from Christmas time okay my husband decided that I'm not happy

three Christmases in to our 12-year relationship. I feel like Christmas is that time. I know, like, just in my life, so many people who break up, boxing day, Christmas day. Do you want to know what happened to me? I found a box of opened, stuffed in the back of my ex-husband's wardrobe on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, Natasha.

practice safe sex oh dear they weren't for me but yeah so fantastic when he says he never bought me Christmas presents he did how ungrateful

I know I'm so spoiled text found on Christmas Day from my husband to my bestie saying love you like crazy oh hold my poodle when my ex

in-laws asked if I'd pick them up from their 11 p.m. flight on the 23rd of December. I waited at the airport for nearly an hour. I rang my ex, asking if they had been in contact with him. And his response was, oh, they're already at the house. My sister picked them up. They got an earlier flight. She picked them up and said nothing.

I went home absolutely livid and was laughed at. They tried to gaslight me into thinking I was the one in the wrong. And to top it off, they didn't get a child a Christmas present. What the fuck? Do you know what? I think before we go into emails, like we can joke about and say, you know,

all the funny things that we found out around Christmas, I know that the next week is going to be a real struggle for a lot of our listeners. I know that it could be your first Christmas experience without your kids. It could be your first Christmas going through a breakup or, you know, being on your own. And I just really want to let you know

that you are not on your own. We see you. we hear you, it is tough, but you will get through it. And I think that all we can say is try your best to take the little positive moments that you can and you need to accept what you can control and let go of the things that you can't. And if it's a year that you're not having your kids or a year that you're going through a breakup, you've just got to ride the wave and know that you're going to get through it. Yeah, we spoke about it on Patreon so some of you won't hear that.

I do just want to, this isn't a plug for Patreon, but if you do feel like you are on your eye and you don't know anyone else going through it at the moment and you want to connect with other people who very much are, I do highly record, even if you join for the month of December and you just want to be able to message other people who maybe don't have their kid for the first time

or that kind of thing, I really encourage you to do that because there's an abundance on there. But I just wanted to voice this again, and I have said this on a recent Patreon episode, but as someone who didn't have their kids last Christmas, I just want to say, like, I see you, I feel you, I hear you, it sucks. And there is nothing anyone can say that's going to make you feel better. There's going to be people offering you all kinds of advice this Christmas, okay? In your head, just nod and smile,

because in your head you want to tell them to fuck off because they don't understand how hard it is and nothing is going to take that pain away. Like Tash Head, we need to accept the things we can't control. And Christmas may be one of those days that is going to be really difficult, really challenging. It's going to make you feel sad. It's going to make you hurt. It's going to make you yearn for the future you thought you once were going to have.

Please just know everything you feel is valid and don't try and escape those feelings. Sit in it. Feel it all and know that's okay. You don't need to sugarcoat it. It is what it is. And that day is going to pass. Okay?

That day is going to pass and you are going to get through it. And hopefully next year that means it's your turn and that's where I am sitting today. Like, I'm not, I remember sitting here this time last year, feeling that anxious feeling of that impending doom, that absolute dread thinking it's going to be hell on earth and I'm not going to sugarcoat it. It was an incredibly emotional, difficult, crap Christmas. I'm not even going to sit here and lie to you. It was. And just take a step back.

Remember, it's child focus. Those kids are getting to experience a Christmas with their dad. We may think, whatever of them. But at the end of the day, it is about the kids. Just know your feelings are valid, no matter what anyone else says, you're allowed to feel the way you do. It's hard, but you're going to be okay.

And you're going to get through it. And it's another thing you can tick off the list that you have done. Can I also actually say something else that I don't think that we maybe speak enough about putting kids aside. I, speaking from experience, have always loved, like, the Christmas holidays and just generally, like, doing nice things with your partner, whether it's ice skating or winter wonderland or going to see the lights and exchanging gifts. And if this is your first Christmas or just one that

you're struggling with and being on your own or not being with someone, what I really want to highlight, and I'm not for a second asking you to almost like think, think about other people and put them down. But just because you see things on social media or people in happy marriages relationships doing really lovely things it does not mean they are happy do not compare yourself to things that are put on social media

because that person may put up a photo and be literally crying two seconds later I am guilty of that I was with my ex-husband on that Christmas day and I had found condoms in his wardrobe the day before so I'm telling you now

just because people are together just because people are married just because people are not single doesn't mean they are happy. So hold that peace that you actually have on your own with no expectations, no anxiety. I just realised it's my first Christmas on my own. And you're probably going to have the best Christmas

because you're with your kids and you're single. Why have I just realised that? It's my first single Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. Don't be a ho ho, ho. Maybe I will. Maybe she will. But yeah, I just want to highlight that

I think we're very, very guilty of comparing ourselves to things that we actually don't know whether they're real or not, so just don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. And wrap up, kids. I know he did. Right, let's get on with some fucking emails. Merry fucking Christmas.

Also, by the way, just on the note of Patreon, our episodes will continue on Patreon, but there won't be any episodes next week on Christmas Day or the week after on New Year's Day. So if you are wanting that fix Or you don't know what to do on Christmas Day Because you're on your own without your kids Going download a Patreon

You've got about 70 plus episodes to binge on So Merry Christmas Merry Christmas Okay last Christmas as a family Hello I can't believe I'm writing this It makes it feel more real I have been in my husband for over 17 years

And we have a five-year-old daughter Concede through IVF I think I've known for a couple of years I want out The stonewalling and non-compatibility have been rough but I've always stayed for my daughter's sake. The final straw came after my granddad died in October. I took my daughter down south to be with family and made arrangements.

My husband refused to come for the weekend due to it being too long of a drive, three hours. I need him to get his work clothes washed and dried for the Monday. Is he okay? He's very passionate about his washing. Just get a grip. He knew how tough it had been for me in the weeks leading up as I had sat with my granddad during his final. days which weren't pleasant. I think at the end of the day, if someone doesn't have

any compassion for something like that, then they may as well just fuck off. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, just disgusting. Like, if you can't be with them in the time. Like, absolutely go and do one. Shove your head up a chimney. Santa.

We had a major argument, again. He stoned walled me for a week and then made all the usual promises, which lasted a week if I was lucky. I know it's time to leave now. I just can't be with someone who doesn't show the same values as me to our daughter. I have now booked an appointment with the solicitor and will be separating officially in January. This is what we mean.

Like, you forward plan. You do. I've tried to do this in the past, but he refuses to acknowledge the conversation, threatens to make my life hell and then eventually grinds me down with promises of change, which never last. I'm actually feeling okay with the separation. It's been a long time coming. The thing I'm struggling with is turning my daughter's life upside down.

I want her to have a lovely Christmas but how do I justify disrupting her life for my own choices He has never been violent, shouted or aggressive but the stonewalling is horrendous and I'm just not happy anymore Is that honestly a good enough reason? Thank you for reading.

Okay so for anyone that doesn't know what stonewalling is the definition of stonewalling in a relationship means that one partner emotionally withdraws and shuts down communication during conflict This can look like giving the silent treatment walking away refusing to answer questions or using dismissive non-verbal cues like eye-rolling, crossing arms.

It's a way to avoid difficult conversations, but it can lead to resentment and is a major predictor of a relationship breakdown. Can I just say, you wrote, how do I justify disrupting her life for my own choices? It's not for your own choices because anything that impacts you, impacts her.

And if you're not happy, I'm telling you now, she is absorbing that environment, she's witnessing this. So you're not disrupting it, you're actually bringing peace to it. You're actually on your way to resolving it and fixing it. So I'd like you to look at it through different lenses that this isn't, I think we need to take a step back from this concept that a home isn't disrupted

as long as a mother and a father and the kids all live under the same roof. I think a home is disruptive when there is stonewalling, when there isn't safety, when there is conflict, when there are two people working against each other, that's disruptive to me rather than simply having one home here and one home there. And I think we really need to break that narrative that as long as you're all under the same roof, like your kid's going to be okay.

Because that's absolutely the reason why so many kids are going to grow up with trauma they're going to have to resolve in adulthood because people are staying for the kids. I think we've seen even when we just had Jess on the other week and how she said like how the kids feel now that they're separated. Like we see it time and time again, we read emails how like my kids are now thriving. Like let's change that narrative of your kids being, you know, impacted negatively because you're separating. Actually, they can be thriving because you're removing the toxic feeling in the household.

So I think you're doing the right thing. And I also think, like we said before, I think it's quite normal to hang around for the Christmas holidays and then make the plans in Jan and that's okay and I think it's really good I think we've said before like women generally you know do the mental preparations a long time before it sounds like you've tried it sounds like I think as well like you said like is it a good enough reason to leave like absolutely you're not happy and it's not like you've just walked out the first hurdle you've tried you've tried to articulate it and every time he's he's not meeting you yeah he's not open to that growth he's not open to hearing and learning and

changing and you just honestly I'm sorry if someone's not even able to be there for you at a really hard time during grief then he's not worth it yeah you're absolutely doing the right thing you're going to be okay definitely it sounds like you're a really strong person anyway this is called you saved my marriage guys hi lady Cupid hi ladies I'm an OG listener and also a devoted Patreon member since the off I followed Tash since the twins were tiny with my eldest being the same age I followed Carly for a year or two before her marriage breakdown as well. I remember Tash's post about becoming a single mom and feeling so confused.

As on Insta, they were the goals. They die. Yeah. I love your podcast, even being happily married. I've laughed with you, cried with you, screamed and shouted. And I believe you're doing more for women than you really realized. So thank you for being what women need because you deserve everything you get from this podcast. You guys, it's meant to be a happy episode.

Anyway, onto the story, as always, please keep me anonymous. So I've been with my partner for 13 years and married for two of those. We have three beautiful children together and from the outside we had the life that people dream of, the huge house, the holidays, the nice cars. However, I was so unhappy. My partner is not an emotional man. He is not the sort of man to display emotion in ways most do. He's a rock and has always been this way.

He's a loving father, a devoted husband, but things became mundane as they often do in the craziness of raising, young family, working, running a household, etc. I had in passing comments said I needed more. I was envious of what I'd seen online and he always brushed it off saying that's not normal life. As time went on, I became more and more unhappy. I wasn't feeling loved or emotionally connected to my husband. We never had date nights, spent time alone together or did things for ourselves. It was always the same everyday routine, which I know is normal in this era.

of our lives. It got to the point where I was thinking, if I should leave, what would I do? He is a breadwinner. My wages are for the extra bits for the kids' clothes, clubs, toys, etc. Then at work, someone started giving me some attention. Now, I never entertained this or acted on it, but also I didn't give off any negative vibes about it. Perhaps held eye contact a little too long, allow conversations to go on a little longer than I would have for other colleagues. He clearly was trying to pursue me and I didn't shut it down but I also didn't message or speak to him outside of work or even spend time trying to speak to him. It was never anything like that. I didn't chat about anything private with him. He's aware I have a husband and children

and often conversations that weren't work related would be quite normal, i.e., what are you doing on the weekend with the kids, etc. But I liked that he would try and find ways to talk to me. It made me feel like I was worthy of attention. Anyway, I listened to your podcast religiously, mostly in my drives to and from work, as it's the only time that I get, but it's Perfect. I decided I need to sit down and have a chat on a deeper level with my husband about how I was feeling. So I did. Like you say to many listeners, did you actually properly talk to him? I decided to do just that because I needed to be sure I done it properly before any decisions were made. So that's what I did. And since then, everything has changed. It's nine months now since the conversation and it's not something that he has done for a month and then stopped. He is so different. Our relationship is thriving. I've never been so happy and that's thanks to you ladies I don't know why I'm getting an emotional

oh god what the you saved my marriage I'm sorry I wasn't expecting this you saved my marriage when I was ready to walk away and I'm so happy and so in love with my husband

and living my dream life oh and I shut down the colleague after two weeks before I spoke to my husband because that was the turning point Like, why am I enjoying that? It's so wrong. There is a happily ever after, and I'm sure many women need to hear this, that men are simple creatures, and they don't pick up on passing comment or understand unless you take it upon yourself to talk to them seriously.

And you have to communicate it, and sometimes really do it on a deeper level. So thank you, ladies, and don't ever stop what you're doing. I hope Carly finds her person soon, forever rooting for her. and Tash I love seeing you in your new relationship it makes me really happy to see you so happy and you deserve the world lots of love, a devoted follower geez

oh no I think oh no I haven't finished the tissue hooks wow I wasn't expecting that um do you know what though it does show that the little comments here and there of I need more or you're not doing this and that like attack making them feel like oh nothing i do is enough that's not a conversation with your partner that's not communicating and it's just so lovely to hear that when you've got

the love there the foundation nothing really bad has happened the trust hasn't been broken something so simple as just communicating can flip a whole relationship around so i really hope that gives someone the reassurance that if they're in a point in their relationship where you feel like it's a bit mundane and flat and there's not much going on, it can change and it just shows why people that are happily married or married should be listening to this podcast. It isn't just for the single people. It isn't just for the heartbreak people going through healing. It's to learn that we aren't born with these skills of understanding how to deal with a relationship, how to navigate it,

how to deal with conflict, how to improve. And I'm really proud of us that we have been able to help. I just also took away from that. I think you made a point at the start of the email saying your husband's not particularly good at emotions. Like, I hope that gives hope to anyone who's like in that position because I do feel like a lot of men in general

like perhaps are less open with talking about emotion. that don't let that be a reason not to approach something and have those conversations, because I think this just shows that given, it just sounds like you went into that so clearly with how you wanted to tackle it, how you wanted to approach the situation. I just think, like, wow, that accountability of recognizing this isn't right, I'm not okay with this. I want my marriage to work. I need to sit down and really have those difficult conversations and it is it is the reason why those difficult conversations can be so pivotal in a relationship because they can bring you closer together they can allow you to open up and

visit a place you've never known your relationship had the capacity to go to and I think that's that should be quite exciting that should be quite I just think that's such like if that is the possibility or breaking up is the possibility I know what one I would try and I know that is worth the risk of having those difficult conversations, which I think so many people avoid doing. And also, like, kudos for you to shut something down that made you feel slightly special. You know, I'm not ever going to sit here and advocate cheating affairs

or give excuses for anyone that does it. But it is sometimes very easy to see why and how it happens. And it's having that strength to be like, holding actually that's not right and the fact that I feel that way and enjoyed it shows something's not right in my marriage that I'm going to work on that and I love that so thank you so much that's the nicest email god I threw us a little bit yeah okay this email is written by man is it what's the subject secret friend oh hello I find myself in a bit of a strange situation and it's weighing down on my relationship and me as a person

Me and my girlfriend have been in a relationship for coming up to four years. To put some context into our relationship, it's been great for three years. Unfortunately, at the very beginning of the relationship, I slept with the girl from work. This was within the first week of me and my girlfriend going official. I mean, it's not a great start, is it? No, does she know? I don't know. To put a long story short, I tried dating this girl from work prior to my relationship and it didn't work out.

and when she found out I was in a relationship, went out on a Christmas stew, she went all out to get what she wanted. Needless to say, I regret this and she was blocked instantly. It caused all sorts of issues and I couldn't think of doing anything worse like this to anybody again. Moving on, April this year, I discovered my girlfriend had been talking to somebody. I got suspicious when she was being weird with her phone around me, something she never had before. She'd take it with her, not leave it with me, and generally, not go on it in front of me. This led to me being suspicious

and unfortunately checking her iPad. On this, I found texts and face-times to one person. Along with this was a letter which I have attached. Should I read the letter now? Fuck off, yeah. Okay, here's the letter, guys. As you know, I'm not the best with words or expressing how I feel, especially writing it down.

But for you, I'm willing to try anything, not even just willing, I want to do it. I've never written a letter before, and I don't really know where to start, so it just felt right to tell you that I love you. I've never felt more adored, safe and happy as I do with you now. It's sad that it's taken us this long to realise we're meant for each other. I find myself thinking that I could have felt this adored, safe and happy for the last 11 years, but life takes funny turns for funny reasons,

and I honestly believe we went through everything we have to bring us here to this moment now. You were the most me person I've ever met. I have known this ever since we had our first conversation. You just get me, which is why I feel like throughout the last 11 years, I've always confided in you, told you openly and honestly about my life, whether I was excited, devastated or embarrassed. You've always been the most obvious person for me to tell. It makes complete sense we are where we are now and I wouldn't change it for the world.

Our journey is special. Who else has such an interesting love story? You've told me before that you think I set the standard for your type and honestly you did the same for me. Dark hair and insane darkish eyes have always been my favourite, but honestly, no one's given me the feeling you do when our eyes meet. I've never been so excited for anything in my life. I feel whole when I'm talking to you. I look forward to every conversation, whether it's five minutes or five hours. We never run out of things to talk about. Your voice has quickly become my favourite sound in the world. I honestly don't think I could

go another day without hearing it. All else I have to say right now is that I'm I love you. I miss you. I can't wait for us to be together and for the inevitable fun and happiness we have to come over the years. I will always be yours as long as you want me. See you soon. I can't figure out if this is, who's written this? If she wrote it or received her. I feel like a guy has written that to her. Maybe. Okay. Well, we've got some contacts. Okay. I confronted her. I was angry and couldn't believe it. She informed me that this was a friend from America, who she met online and they were just friends. Yeah, sounds like it, right?

I think anyone can agree the context of the letter suggests otherwise. I asked for them to speak less or not at all, as I wasn't comfortable with it. They'd apparently known each other for 11 years and have never met. Guys, you can't love someone if you'd never met them. I'm just going to throw that out there. You say that, but there are some people out there that literally have full on penpatch. You know, I think we've even had people right in who are in love and they've never met. I don't believe in it.

Let me say that then. Infatuation, perhaps. We moved to August. I was uncomfortable again. It's that gut feeling. That's what that uncomfortable feeling is. With how she was acting, I checked her iPad and frowned a text from a boy.

Asking if she was well and if he should get tested for an STD. I confronted her and she confessed she'd slept with somebody on a night out. However, this is not related to the secret friend she was hired. This was somebody she worked with. Another one. This was somebody else that she had slept with, and it was apparently a one-night stand thing. Again, to this day, I don't know why or what,

as she doesn't let us talk about it, because I keep bringing it up, but I think it's fair I need answers. We moved to today, where after the cheating, I did want to try and work through everything, given that I'd hope to see some change. I'm still struggling with everything I've discovered, as well as the cheating.

I took her back, but there's been no groveling, no genuine feel of any, apology for her ruining all the trust they have and generally no effort from her side i feel like it's all me and that she can't be bothered i know she's still talking to this secret friend from america she claims to have never met and really it's a mess i shouldn't live with the fear that she's messaging another man telling him that she loves them and can't wait to be with them oh she wrote that letter to him oh really am i the mug for even thinking that this could work thanks look i'm not going to sit here and call you a mug because it's not true

and that's unkind but I think that you need to lead this relationship it doesn't even sound like she cares I feel like she's completely checked out and I don't know her reason for staying whether I don't know if you live together if I actually support her I don't know enough about your relationship but you're wasting your time 100% and you need to lead the relationship I think that it sounds like she's got no respect look don't get me wrong like we've said previously you can come back from infidelity

you can come back from losing that trust but when the person that has cheated shows no remorse doesn't do anything to make you feel secure or reassured

that is so bare minimum like if she can't even be bothered you need to leave yeah I think you need to leave the relationship focus on you build up your self-worth because it is

damaging when someone does that and I think like the fact you're like you know you your system's flaring up where you don't feel safe and that that's not we've spoken about it before but it's not nice to live in fear of like when's the next thing coming when's the next thing coming you found the letter you found like she cheated like you're literally just sitting around waiting for the next thing to happen and you're the only person it seems who can make this change and make that stop and that is by leaving because no offense she doesn't have any respect for you the fact She's carrying on a secret relationship with this guy in America behind your back. Also, who's to say that he's in America?

She's possibly got an STD. So where's she got that from? Someone else? Like, I don't know. I just, you can't trust this woman. She doesn't seem to be, like, to make something work requires both parties to want it. And it doesn't sound like she even remotely cares. So have a bit of self-respect.

The first bit of leaving someone is going to be the hardest bit. But you're going to look back and be like, thank God I didn't waste any more years of my life with someone who clearly has no respect for me, you know, didn't even want to really try after I caught her out. And also, like, let's not ignore the fact, like, she's not come forward and told you these things. You have found those things out.

So I think you're better than that, but I really appreciate you writing in it. It's quite not refreshing, it's the wrong word, but I think it is important to hear these stories from men as well. And no, it's not just these men going out and being unfaithful. Like, there's as many women. in being disrespectful as there are men. So please if you are a male listener,

writing your stories, because we do enjoy hearing for you. But keep us updated. Please. Yeah, we wish you luck. Thank you. Okay, this is an update. I remember this subject title very well.

He threw raw meat and me, why haven't I left? Yeah. Hi, ladies. I've been meaning to write in to you for so many times over the last year with an update. But spoiler alert, turns out their life as a single parent is pretty busy. This might be a long one. In case people can't remember, I wrote in over a year ago, October 24, about the relationship with the father of my children.

To summarise, we moving together very quickly, which you rightly pointed out was a terrible idea, and which I now agree with. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, lull. We turned out to be very different in terms of communication and ways of dealing with conflict, and it ended up being a very physical and emotionally abusive relationship. He also lied multiple times about other women. I'd written in because I was in a state of panic about making the decision to leave and clinging desperately to hope that he would change. and everything would be better. I've now realised because my self-worth was just at rock bottom and I genuinely believed that I was being told it was my fault.

It was horrible to listen to you reading it out, but so reassuring to hear the way that you reacted, even just to the fact that he would give me the silent treatment for days at a time being emotionally abusive. I listened back to the episode before I wrote this and it made me cry to hear how sad and pathetic I sounded and how desperately I was trying to fix something that I didn't break. You'll hopefully be delighted to know that yesterday

On the 27th of November, 2025, marked a year of me being single. Woo, woo, woo! Also, you were not pathetic, by the way. No. I didn't leave him, but I allowed him to leave me, which I struggled with at first, but I have seen the strength in it now. We were having counselling when I wrote him,

and the counsellor ended up ringing me to tell me it was pointless in that you can't fix a relationship only one person is willing to fix. We stopped that, and I went into a full-blown state of anxiety, but any time I tried to discuss anything, with him he'd fly off the handle. One weekend he sat on the sofa and screamed at me that I was ugly inside and out and I still stayed. I went to see it ends with us and when Blake lively's husband pushed her down the stairs I cried because my instant thought of watching it was at least he apologised to her and I still stayed. However towards the end of November last year we had

a random argument about him letting our two-year-old watch six hours of TV in a day instead of parenting and he stormed out. I remember driving to my mum's thinking why does this keep happening to me and it hit me like a lightning bolt. He can't leave me over and over unless I let him come back over and over. That coupled with the fact that we got to my mum's and my two-year-old walking to the door and said, Granny, my mummy is crying because name, she never called him by his name, shouted at her. Suddenly it felt like a switch had gone off. I realized that staying together wasn't an option anymore, if not for me, but because I couldn't allow my children to see me accepting being treated this way. He stayed away for five days and when he came back he threatened

that if I didn't stop arguing with him that he would break up with me and move out. For the first time ever my response wasn't to pander to him and try and fix it and keep the peace and instead I just said okay what's your plan and when are you going. What followed was the hardest month of my life. I started a new job three days later that was initially fixed term. He went to stay with family four hours away for most of the months so I had no help with childcare and it was mine and my daughter's birthday and I had Christmas to plan. I had panic attacks most evenings after the girls went to bed because I felt totally overwhelmed by the uncertainty and the weight of everything I had to juggle, but I told myself that nothing would ever be as hard as that month. The girls would never be as

young as they were one and two. I'd never be starting a new job while managing the breakdown of my family. I spent New Year's Eve alone and sat and told myself that all I had to do was survive the next year. I didn't need to have my job or my house or anything else sorted. I just needed to sit in the uncertainty and be happier than I was in the moment and I've done it. There have been ups and downs through the year, and logistically it has been exhausting. Giving up all the upheaval in the first month, I told myself all I needed to do was not lose my job, but I'm so proud to say that not only did I not lose my job, but I made permanent four months earlier. It's a busier job than I'd have had taken on if I'd known I'd be a single parent, but I love it and it's helped me find me again.

My ex rented a flat five minutes away But refused to have the girls overnight for eight months Because it's a one bed So the only way he ever saw them Was coming to the house to parent here Which meant a lot of time spent together And very little break from parenting for me We couldn't sell the house initially

Because of my fixed-term contract But he has at least now agreed To have them overnight once a week And we'll be put in the house on the market in the new year So I can get somewhere of my own And he can go somewhere bigger and have them more We've been able to get on better since the split because the issues I had with him

are mostly not issues if he isn't my boyfriend. He can control his temper better if I'm not asking him to be nice to me. However, my hope initially was that we could be friends because I thought that was the best thing for the girls but I've realised recently that this isn't ever going to be possible. He has hinted multiple times over the last year

that he assumes we get back together. I think he thought I'd struggle and ask for him back and as a year has gone on and he's realised that won't happen, and he's been less polite. There's still conflict if I put boundaries in place, ask for extra help or ask him to parent differently, and I've beaten myself up any time that there's conflict

for not keeping the peace. But I'm doing my best to see him for who he is, and that isn't my fault if he gets angry when I ask for reasonable changes or support. I still find it incredibly hard to say that it was an abusive relationship because I spent so long being told everything was my fault and I was causing the argument. I have struggled massively with self-worth,

and to look in the mirror and see myself as fat and ugly, and hear his voices confirm that. But I spent the last year building myself, a life I love, filled with friends and happiness so that I could be content exactly as I am and never put myself at risk of either taking him back or settling for someone similar just to fill a gap in my life.

I've also been determined to focus on myself in the little time I do have, and the post-breakup glow is real. It hurts to even look at photos from before we broke up because I just looked drained of life, I relate. Mm-hmm. I've been pleasantly surprised to be reminded that I'm a catch and I've done a bit of dating but highlighted to me that my self-worth isn't where it needs to be

so in the last couple of months I've started having some counselling to work on it and make sure I'm the best version of me before putting myself back out there properly. I was so scared when I wrote to you last year mostly about how hard it would be to be alone but to anyone listening who is in the same position doing it alone is hard but it is a hell of a lot easier than having a partner

and still doing it alone whilst also being made miserable by that person I'm exhausted most of the time but my life is peaceful and I'm totally in charge of my own happiness and spending evenings alone after the girls go to bed but that's so less lonely than spending them with someone who made me feel alone every second of the day

this is not to say I never have down days or feel guilty about the girls not having a typical family unit or worrying about the future but if nothing else at least I can say that never again will anyone throw raw meat in my face hopefully this isn't the last update I send in and the next one would be that everything is fantastic and I've got my dream house and met the love of my life.

But I've wanted to send something for the last year just to say thank you for reading my story. Thank you for confirming that my situation wasn't okay. And thank you for being one of the push factors that helped me be strong enough to not let him back. What are you guys doing to us? I listened to the podcast this week when you were talking about being triggered by the stories

and finding it hard to listen to the tales of men cheating with their work colleagues. But I'm so glad you keep on doing it because the stories are horrible. But in every single one, the person who is written in is surviving and keeping going and probably absolutely smashing it whether they see it or not. Both of you and every person

who writes into this podcast are amazing and I will forever be grateful to you and to the friend who introduced me to it for giving me that hope that maybe I could be on my own and be okay. Because of that my children would grow up never seeing me except blessed in an amazing kind and caring love

or that's what I'm manifesting anyway. Thank you so much. The first photo is about the time that I wrote in and the second from the last two. two weeks that was her when she wrote in last year oh wow oh my god what a glow up oh my god and her girls are so cute honestly what an amazing email to read to hear the difference from the same person from one year to the next and i think that anyone that may be going into the end of the year the festive season feeling really low or shit or not where they wanted a bit

however much the days seem long the years are short and a year from now if you make the right decision and end that toxic relationship or decide to do it on your own or whatever it is that you're scared of doing that you feel like you're going to push yourself to do you could also be that person writing in in a year's time being in a much better place

we can only change what we decide to do how we show up so make those changes and do it for yourself and for your kids, don't stay in unhappy, toxic relationships because you think that's what we should be doing. I'm still digesting. It is so lovely to see the amount of growth you can do in a year, how different you are as a person,

how you can grow through what you go through. And I think it's really inspiring for anyone in the thick of it right now and feeling like, God, this is painful, this is hell on earth. I don't know how I'm going to make it through. like I just want you to know like this time next year when you look back and reflect because I do feel like this time of year is a very reflective time of year as we head into the new year. We're finishing the year. You know, we're starting to set goals and dreams and hopes for the year ahead. It's important to look back at how far you've come. And whilst in your head you, you know, you might still be hurting. You might still be carrying pain or grief or anger or whatever it is. I really hope you look back and recognise how far you have come. You know, you might still be hurting. You might still be carrying pain or grief or anger or whatever it is. Like I really hope you look back and recognise how far you have come. and the little things, like the small differences that perhaps you won't really realize you've made until you really take that time to look back. And do you know what? If you look back and there hasn't been like, I hope you use that as something to propel you forwards and be like, I'm not going

into another year holding this resentment, holding onto this hurt and this pain. Like this next year ahead is only I have the power to change it. Only I have the power to make myself feel better. And I think when we start taking that control back and taking that responsibility for being in control of your happiness, like Tash said, you can't control the other factors. The only thing you can control is yourself. And once you've decided you've had enough of feeling like shit, a feeling rubbish, a feeling disrespected, feeling pain

and that frustration of wanting to change someone, and recognising that actually that peace and that happiness comes from within, I promise you your year ahead will be so much better than the one you just had Okay, so product of the week It's my bottle I know I shared a bottle the other week

But I'm all about hydration going into New Year So it's nice to share a few different options And I have been using it out for a while My kids use it They are little pods that go on the top It's really interesting They flavour your water but through to smell So I love lemon flavoured water

so I have the lemon one on top they do like really out there flavours like gummy bear and stuff it's personally not for me I do like the lemon and fruity ones so when you're drinking your water it tastes like squash so for anyone who struggles to get water in

struggles with bland taste of water I personally do like water or something but I prefer I just find I'm drinking way more with this so yeah air up that's nice it's quite aesthetic yeah it's nice but they've started doing different shapes so I do like this one

Confession of the week Hi girls This was 10 plus years ago In my early 20s I found out my ex was cheating on me By logging into his emails And finding a just eat receipt For a takeaway

Delivered to an address I didn't recognize With a mobile number That wasn't his I messaged a number And got into it with the girl Who was 18 She told me

That my man gave good dick Ugh Who speaks like that And she would continue Fucking him Even if I forgive him I forgive him So I screenshot the messages, found her mom on Facebook, and sent them to her saying,

what's a lovely daughter-in-gays, hashtags, stay toxic. That is hilarious. I love that. Wow. Let's finish with an affirmation. Guys, I think it's obvious that affirmation just needs to be, like, whatever Christmas you are going to be having this year, please also just remember, it is just one day. And however much, I know we put so much pressure on ourselves to make it perfect, to make it magical, to, you know, even just the financial struggle, you may have your kids this year, but it's the first one and you can't afford everything that you would have if you had a two-parent household.

Let's just, let's bring those expectations down a bit and just be kind to yourself. We can only do what we can do. It's one day, not so much pressure. And then the next day, it's done. And look, if you know it's one without your kids this year, that probably means next. year you do have them so hold on to that also just like make the most of the little moments and snippets you do have with them make them as magical as you can and just know like you're really not alone like you're really not alone this Christmas there's so many of us going through it so

don't be afraid afraid to reach out go and join patreon again even if it's just for the month and you want that extra comfort comfort and company and other people who really do get it thank you so much, guys. We have a lovely Christmas. Yeah, have the best Christmas. Happy New Year. And we'll see you soon. We'll see you next year. Love you. Bye.