Not As We Planned - He Faked Cancer While I Was Pregnant

Episode Date: July 1, 2026

She thought she’d finally found her happy ending.After blending their families and welcoming a new baby together, everything seemed perfect… until she discovered the man she loved had been living a shocking double life.This week, we read one of the most unbelievable stories we’ve ever received, hear from a listener trapped in a controlling relationship after 12 years together, and discuss why your gut instinct is often trying to protect you long before your mind catches up.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Not As We Plan. Just a reminder, guys. We're going on tour in November. In case you didn't know. And if you haven't got your tickets, you need to sort your life out because that's not very supportive, is it? So we are going to London, Manchester and Edinburgh. So one of those is in relative close proximity to you, apart from Australian listeners. So you've got an excuse.

Well, actually, you haven't. Yeah, do you know what I mean? Just jump in a phone road. Why wouldn't you want to be here in British winter? So go and book your tickets. They are selling fast and we want to see you guys. So come and support us. It will mean a lot to us.

But yeah, how's your time? a week been? How's my week been? I mean, you've had a week, I'm I had a sick child this week and I handled it like a

fucking boss if I absolutely, you know, yeah, owning that shit. I'm actually going to now call myself an ex metaphob, yeah? Oh, who. Recovery, baby. You know, it's all about that

positive language not putting that label on me anymore. So it was definitely challenging because I was on my own. My boyfriend had his kids, so he was at home. My mum was away who tends to come over and help me. Their dad was away.

And yeah, I was pretty much riding so low. You messaged me, but you were asleep. I was asleep. Yeah. I mean, I don't know, the thing is, I don't know what you expect if I was in Ibiza. I don't know. I would have been like, so gross. To be honest, I think that's why I thought maybe you'd be away.

That was the one night I was in bed. Oh, for fuck sake. Yeah, he, I'm not going to go into too much detail because I don't want to trigger anyone that finds it uncomfortable. But let's just say like his, his aim wasn't great and it did make a bit of a stunning. Which I tidied all on my own and then I slept with him. I mean, even I struggle with that when my love was sick a few weeks ago and it was all over his bedroom, up the walls, like everywhere.

And even I was like, I don't know what to do. Yeah, do you know what? I think also I think I put so much pressure on myself that like it's meant to be like, oh, like, never might. Like, no, I want to be one of those people that's just like, oh, let's just tidy this up and then I'll go back to bed. Maybe that's normal. I think that even if you don't have a fear of it, it's so unpleasant. No one enjoys it. Yeah, it's okay to not like it.

And I think that's what I used to be so hard on myself that I was very black and white. It was very much like I either like have a fear or I'm so okay with it. And actually I've come to realize that it's okay to not be okay with it but know that I can just cope enough that I managed it. I did hit my limit at like 3am where I think the anxiety I was creating was getting a bit too much for me.

So I did end up calling one of my best friends and she came over at three in the morning, bless her. But by the time she arrived, he had been, he was asleep for the rest of the evening. I slept for about 45 minutes. It was, it was tough. You know what I mean? But yeah, I think it's just,

do you know what? I think it's looking back on, I stayed in my marriage, for, you know, I think I've spoken about it a lot. I stayed in my marriage a lot longer than I should have. And one of the big reasons for that was absolutely because of my emetophobia. The thought of being on my own with the kids, especially at night, and potentially having to deal with an experience of one of my children being ill

wasn't something that I wanted to put myself in a position of. So I did stay with him. I think that if I didn't have that fear, I probably still would have stayed quite a bit longer, but not as long. Yeah. And I think being able to reflect and look back on what I've been able to manage on my own and work towards is something that I'm really, really proud of.

So if anyone does really relate to that and they feel like, because so many people message me being like, oh my God, that is the reason that I'm still saying. I think it's a lot more common than people think. And I've had people message me being like, I didn't even know that there was a word for it. I thought I was just being dramatic or, You know, people are dealing with it in silence without realizing it is actually a thing. I have done a program called The Thrive Program.

I highly recommend it. This is not an ad. I paid full price for it. You can either do it on your own and just go through the book. There's the website. I think it's called The Thrive Program. And you can get the book. There's one for kids as well as adults.

And I actually decided to do it with a coach. It is quite expensive. but for me, I don't feel like you can put a price on mental health. It was something that I was finding so debilitating on a daily basis. And it's been amazing. Still a work in progress. But I don't think I would have been able to handle what I did without this program. So I really recommend that.

And yeah, that's been my week. You? I'd be the gal. I've been in, I beat the. I had the best trip. So I went with my girl. friends and who was the third one

the fourth one my friend's friend from America she found out we were going and she was like can I come the one with them first um so yeah I've had a really lovely girls trip it was just really nice I feel like people wanted me to come back with all these slutty stories but that's just not me like didn't kiss a single man in Ibiza I actually kissed a woman now joking no I didn't I didn't get hit on by a woman

yeah I know I'll tell you that at the end because I was policing and Tasha after it happened. Like, I think I've just been hit on by a guy. Anyway, I'll come to that in a minute, but it was just one of those trips where I think people associate, oh, they're going to Habitha, they're going to do drugs

and have less of sex. Like, I've never touched a drug in my life and I wasn't about to start at the ripe old age of 38. It wasn't going to go and sleep with all these men. I went to genuinely have a really good time with my friends. I think we've all needed it. We've had a really tough year between all of us. and it was incredible.

We had so much fun but one thing I have come away with, not an SDD, is I have completely fucking lost faith in men and I don't want to like put a downer on it but obviously when you're there you're talking to different groups of guys

and the amount of married men who were there cheating and being very open about it honestly blew my mind. I got myself into a lot of debates have also recommended they list to our podcast. Didn't they will? No.

they're not reflective enough but for so many of them they were actively cheating on wives but some of these men were literally like four out of tens and I'm thinking who is sleeping with these men I did bump it to those people who listened to the podcast so shout out also oh my god

I bumped to this girl in I beef the airport she listened to the pod and she was way on a hendo did I tell you no she was way on a hindo but they got to the airport and the hens passport was 10 days out. And so they all had to go away in the hen. No one drank.

She was like, it's been the weirdest week of my life. Hold on. So like the hen didn't go. But they all went? I think they all went. Isn't that a bit wrong? I don't know. But you paid that much money.

I don't know. Anyway, let's not debate that right now. No, no. I need to quickly process that. What would you do? I don't know. Don't put me in that position. Anyway, I'm talking about our beef up.

Right. So bummed into loads of people, listen to the podcast. So shout out. bumped into my old house captain from school, bumped into like my ex-husband's, one of his best friends who he came up to you. It's like, I was like, your wedding. I was like, I don't remember you.

That was really awkward. There was this one guy, and I can't remember we got talking and found out he was married, four kids. He's telling me how madly in love with his wife he is. I was like, this sounds lovely. And then he goes on to tell me that he cheats on her all the time. He loves her.

no one will, he will never love anyone else like her. And I was like, but do you if you don't respect her? And then he said, I've always cheated. And I was like, can I ask why you cheat? He was like, you just can't beat fresh pussy. Right? That's what he said. There's no feeling like a new fresh pussy.

Why have you said that twice? Because I just need to reiterate what these, this is how these men speak, right? And then I just said it, I gave him a big lecture and I said, he went, no, I've never been caught. I said, you haven't been caught yet. I said, one day, she'll start getting the gut instinct. You might have already. Why didn't you find out her name? I was drunk.

I didn't have the capacity. Anyway, I know, I'm not even about to ruin someone's life as I was in either. It sounds like he's ruining her life. He is. So I said to him, she hasn't found out yet. I said, everyone gets there at some point. I said, what will happen is,

she'll leave you. You'll see your kids less. She's going to have the most unreal glum. up and she's going to be okay without you and you're going to have to watch her living this the most amazing life without you and he was like oh shit I've never thought of it like that do you actually think that what happened I was like yeah by the time I left him he was like I feel like the universe put you on my path to like sort my head out and I was like think about it and listen to the podcast I mean so look he probably won't because he's a man but that

that reminds me of you know that teaser that we so great teaser I know a few weeks ago we spoke about, I think it was our question of the week on Patreon. It was on Patreon. And it was pretty much saying, why do men that love their wives sleep with other women? Yeah, why do they cheat? And oh my God, the comments from men are disgusting. There was one saying, like, never been faithful, never want to be. Never will.

I'm like a rat. No, there was some more yesterday. No, there was some more yesterday. I meant to show you them. Hang on. Can I just say, I've got to be. honest. Also, a lot of the men were like, because it's no good at home. I'm telling you now, oh, no, a lot of the men were saying because they don't get sex at home, maybe they don't want

to have sex with you because you ain't any good. Some of them write, what's love got to do with sex? We like lamb twice a month. Sex is basically joining sex organs. The sad reality is, is a lot of men's answers pretty much implied a lot of them and they were justifying it that they go and seek what they're missing at home. But what I think is really sad is we're in a generation now where men genuinely believe that if their wife isn't sleeping with them, it gives them the right to go and sleep with someone else. Where's the loyalty and the communication of also men not understanding that sex doesn't start in the bedroom? It starts with the handheld, the compliment, the pinch of the bum when you walk past them in the kitchen, you know, the grabbing them

up the stairs. Like, women need to feel secure, safe, loved, desired in order to be in order to to want to sleep with you. So all these men that believe that it's actually valid to go and cheat on their wives because maybe they're not getting it at home. Someone even put, once you put a ring on it,

they think it's acceptable to let themselves go and just wear their pajamas all day. Oh my God, at one point you got down on one knee and proposed to this woman. It is so sad that these men are what give

the good men a bad name. Like I do believe there are good men out there But I think unfortunately Teasers like this Bring up the absolute riff-wrath Of vile, scummy men And they They, these men had profile pictures

Some of these men had fucking children Like, they have daughters How would you feel if your daughter came home one day And pretty much said like My boyfriend's sleeping with someone else Are you gonna be like, oh yeah, what a lad Yeah, lad's lad lad, lad's lad You need some fresh pussy

Stick it in her I'm just, it's just, it's so sad. I think I had a combination of that and then everyone I met an Ibiza, and I just thought, I give up. And then I was on the way home and I got off the plane, right? And I'm like walking through to passport control. And this girl stops me and I'm thinking, I'd already left my jacket on the plane.

I already had to go back and get that. So I'm thinking, God, like I've dropped something. I was a bit scatty and a bit like all over the place. She was like, excuse me. and she had like an accent. I was like, oh, yeah. And she was like, I saw you get on the plane. And like I've been sitting like during the flight just thinking like what to say to you.

But like, I just think you're really beautiful. And she's like, I was wondering if I could get your Instagram or number. And like it didn't really process anything at the time. So I was like, yeah, sure. And I gave him my Instagram. And then afterwards I, like, Josh, was like, I think I've just been hit on by a girl. I'm really confused. It's funny because when we're in Ibiza, after all this happened,

and one of the girls I was with, she kissed a guy and ended up going on a boat with him. And we found out he was married. It was just like everything was just, you know, we were just like... What's the world coming to? It was wild. Anywho, yeah. Has she messaged you? I don't know.

I haven't gone through my DMs. I've been really rubbish. I want to know. Maybe she's reached out. Maybe Carly's going to be able to make a girl. It was funny. So me and my friend were joking that we were going to become lesbians

and then this happened. I mess with her. I was like, God, the universe works quickly. Yeah, like... I don't think she's my type if I was. What would be your type if you were? Me. Basically me.

I have no idea what my type would be if I was a very pretty... So it would be just like a very pretty... So it would be someone feminine. Yeah. I really. Oh, God, I couldn't be with someone. Like, I don't know.

I just don't think I could be with a girl. Yeah. Anyway. You don't want some freshness? I don't want some fresh. No, honestly, I feel like I've been put off by sleeping with men. Are you going to be asexual? I'm not asexual, annoyingly.

I fucking love men. This is my issue in life. But just the wrong ones. But yeah, I also want it, sorry, this is a really big catch-up, but I feel like if I speak about it on next week's episode, then it will be too far gone. But I briefly want to speak about Father's Day. I know this would have gone out after Father's Day.

It's something that for me is obviously, I know going to be fucking difficult this year because it's my first one without my dad, and I've cried a hell of a lot this week. But I just also wanted to speak about, like, for me, I feel like everything's really amplified this year because obviously it's the first one without my dad, and then my boys are with their dad, rightly so.

It's Father's Day. And I've just got this enormous amount of grief, obviously, for my dad, but also, like, I guess again, for the family unit, like not having that person I want to celebrate as being the father. Like, you know, doing it all together, going out for a lunch, like, that kind of thing. And I've always cited Tash yesterday because, like, look, like, I've not kept quiet about it. But over the last few years, like, our relationship, my co-parenting relationship has been really complex. It's not been ideal. You know, there's been Mother's Day where I've not been bought things for. there's been things where

absolutely like bare minimum effort has been made like my birthday this year I didn't get a card from my boys they got sent home with a piece of paper folded and things like that and I think it's really easy in co-parenting relationships to go tip for tap with things like that it's very easy to be like well he didn't do this for me

so I'm not going to do this for him and I hold my hands up that I have a hundred percent being guilty of that in the past I've always thought I'll give back what he's done to me and I don't know this year I don't know if it is like losing my dad and putting things in perspective and also just being very aware of my energy and my aura and what I'm putting out to the universe. But I've really had a word of myself about wanting to do better as a co-parent. And like there's been a situation over the last week where I have sent the hugest olive branch.

I would say an olive tree to my co-parent. Yeah, literally. You know, I'm yet to hear anything back. But I've done that with the intentions that I don't want to carry on the way things are. It's actually consuming a lot of my energy and my vibe. And I'm the one that's responsible. Well, I'm partly responsible for changing that. But also with Father's Day this year, I have made a real effort with my kids.

We sat there last night and I got them to make cards because for me, I would want a handmade car because I feel like it's more personal. I said to them, maybe draw a picture of you and Daddy, and I got them to write. And I've really made an effort. And also, like, it's very easy to be like, oh, he spent three pounds on me. I'm going to do the same. I said to the boys, like, what is Daddy really into at the moment? What does he like?

And they were like, he's really into Formula One and really into Lego. So we got him a Formula One Lego car. I spent more money than I would have done. But I think sometimes you have to separate out how you feel about your co-parent. and how you want to bring up your children. And for me, I will always put that above the way I feel about their dad. And we had a really big conversation yesterday, and I just said, look, on days that are really special,

like Father's Day, birthdays, you know, those kind of things, it's really important that we celebrate that person and we are thoughtful with the gifts we give them and we try and make them feel special. And it's all about celebrating them because you can't control what goes on in the other house. She can't control the way they choose to do things the other way around. But what I can control is how my kids see me putting their thoughts and feelings first,

how they see me considering other people's feelings. And hopefully, like one thing I've really learned about my kids is they really do copy things I say or how I act and behaviours. And if they can take that away from me and think about other people and how that makes them feel, then for me that's the right decision. I appreciate people come from different complex situations. and I'm not saying it's the same for me as it would be for someone who was an abusive relationship or someone who has no relationship with their dad.

I'm just saying for me, I've really had to take a step back this year and just want to make sure that I am doing everything I possibly can to be a better co-parent because I haven't always got it right. And I think I'm also allowing myself to feel grace with that because I think we sometimes downplay how hard it is to heal from someone and still co-parent with them. I mean, we don't get a rulebook of how to do it. It is fucking hard and it takes a while to adapt.

So that's where I meant. Love that. Oh my God, I was going to ask you, have you watched your fault, London yet? Yeah, I was going to ask you if you'd seen it yet. I literally binge the first one. I feel like I had to wait ages for the next one, and it's back.

Yeah. No, I know. I love. It touches on, like, relationships, like things that we talk about on the podcast, you know, like right person, wrong time. I know, and I think both of us can relate to it in different ways. We've both had relationships where distance became a real problem and challenge.

Yeah. And sometimes it's not that the feelings weren't there. It's more that life just gets in the way. Yeah. I think that's what I found really relatable about Noah and Nick in your Fort London. And that is their new movie that is out right now on Prime Video. They're all dealing with like these big life changes, university, trying to figure out who they are.

whilst obviously also trying to hold on to relationships that they really care about. We hear all the time from people who are navigating breakups, timing issues, and wondering whether love is enough when life is pulling you in all different directions. Yeah. Their chemistry, though, is amazing. Obsessed with the soundtrack. And I feel like it is one of those films where, like, you're watching and you're like, I need more, I need more, especially with the twist in this one.

Like, I was shocked. This is the summer romance film with the Lone, London Summer Vibe, University Aesthetic, Soundtrack, Forbidden Romance. You should stream Your Fault London on Prime Video. Anyway, should we get on with some emails? Let's do it. Okay, right. This is called Dreamy Conman.

I actually can't believe I'm doing this. I've never done this in my life. But your recent posts and constant pop-ups on my algorithm has tipped me over the edge. My name is Faye. I'm 39. I'm not social media famous. I'm a regular woman with no influencer status or followers at all. I want to thank you, but I would also love to share my story.

If it's of any interest to you, I don't know. I had two children when I was 20 and 22. Their dad was fairly useless. I trusted him. I wanted the dream. We were young. He stayed around for a bit, then had more children with another woman

and slowly distanced himself from my two, now resulting in financial contributions but no contact. Not through lack of trying. He's caused absent father. the pain in my children which I'll never forgive him for but ultimately we sped and rushed crashed and burned and are fundamentally two very different people i had two more children with another man who i stupidly married one in 2014 and my daughter in 2022 he caused huge damage drugs addiction alcohol violent anger everything i am not we tried and tried again but alas it was not meant to be

He has since found AA and religion, and by all accounts, is very reliable and there for our children. We managed to co-parent quite well considering our past. A foundation of friendship helps. The friendship was also the reason it was so hard to break up with him. He walked all over me by maintaining the friendship at its core. I found my worth eventually on a rainy horrible day in November 2020. In 2024, I finally had my crown on. A well-paid job I was good at, no overdraft, very, very little debt, my four babies who are thriving

educationally, mentally, physically. And I met a man, charming, gorgeous, calm, kind, adored me and my babies, my dream. We decided to have a baby. Welcoming his 10-year-old daughter into the mix, we were a beautiful blended family. In September 2025, our daughter was born. He was amazing in the build-up, incredible at the hospital. caring afterwards, six kids, me and him, I felt like I could take on the world.

Finally, my happy ever after. Cracks did start to show in the pregnancy, but really big cracks started to show postpartum. Still lots of good family time, but things weren't right. Very, very, very, very long story short, as I'm sure you have much, much more important things to do than read my sob story.

I read his phone. Something I've never done with anyone. on. He's been texting his ex-girlfriend the whole way through my pregnancy. He told her that he was dying of cancer. Sorry? And at all my pregnancy checkups, he was taking photos and sending them to her, telling them that he was in hospital for chemo.

Oh, my God. He's unwell. He said her my blood pressure results. I had preeclampsia telling her it was his reading. Sorry, look at my body. I'm covered in goosebumps. What the hell? He said he was wishing he was still with her

and asked after her children said he lives a quiet, calm life by the beach alone. Sorry, well, that was going on. He texted his friends telling them that I was leaving him with the kids. I haven't had a night off or a babysitter in over five years. And I'd cleared his bank accounts.

I haven't received a penny from him the entire time we were together. He'd been doing cocaine and alcohol at work and in my home. He'd been lying saying that I chucked him out and he was in hotels, getting his friends to pay for it. Saying I'd left him with nothing was still in my home at this point. What? He'd gambled over £6,000 in the three months previous,

whilst watching me get thousands of pounds overdrawn, taking out loans, paying for everything, not working as I'd had a baby and watching a struggle for food. This isn't even half of it. Messages from millions of women asking for their money back. Messages from debt collectors owing thousands. Messages thanking women for sex. The list goes on.

However, I take all of that over how he's been since he's left. The abuse is unreal. The constant text, the audio notes, daily reminders of how terrible I am, how awful I was as a girlfriend, how this is all my fault, how I have no one because I'm evil. No accountability. No apologies. No trying to get me back. Not that I would. No changes to any behaviour. No money to support our daughter. He knows we're living off food banks. He knows childcare and hours

needed and near on impossible. He knows I'm still trying to breastfeed and how much that means to me. He knows my 18-year-old son has been financially contributing much to my sadness. I'm selling a meaningful jewelry, jellycats that my children received at birth and anything I can to find on Vinted to raise money so that my kids can eat. That kills me. I've also fallen in love with the therapist

who I've connected with but she's £65 an hour and for me and my older boys who she said she'd be happy to work with also it's quite the cost and doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing. Buy my own flowers redecorating domestic violence charities, eating

chocolate, crying, talking, nothing is working for all of this as if it could get any worse. My family have removed themselves. My dad decided I was too dramatic. Oh my God. And over email with no conversation. He stepped back from being my parent. Fucking. My auntie, who was like my mum, told me my baby was a mistake and not having a mortgage

and a car was irresponsible. She sided with my dad, made me explain my previous marriage and why I'd stayed with him for so long and promptly left me and my kids too. She tried longer and didn't email on the plus side. This is all before this mess. They don't know this mess. They think I'm in a happy ever after. Besides two incredible friends, I have no one, literally no one.

I told his mother, his boss, the ex, and the mother of his daughters the truth. The abuse I got for it was unreal. He's continued to talk to us all, however he'd like, and spins his web of lies and destruction to whom ever he pleases. My kids are my world. They're keeping me alive. We're hibernating. We're cuddling. We're happy and we're calm. We cook good food. The house is clean, but they deserve better than this miserable, masking emotional mother. You hear these stories of women in their 40s finally finding themselves and making a success of themselves and I'm manifesting my ass off trying to make that reality for me, but I'm lost. Ultimately, I feel like a failure. I had so many things I wanted to do with my life and I've done none. Literally none of them. I've seeked out. this dream of a family life and it's cost me. Domestic abuse, drop in service, said it was the worst case of deception and con artistry she'd ever seen, but yet the wait for therapy is six months and despite being offered a key worker, I've never heard from anybody since. The doctors

called me and prescribed me some antidepressants, yet I fell asleep while my baby and toddler played and I have refused to take them ever since. No checkups, no one knows. Doctors said all the right things but because I have my head screwed on and I wasn't suicidal I've never been called again. The days keep coming and my beautiful babies need me so I keep showing up not knowing where to put all the pain and hurt. Besides them I've wasted the first 40 years of my life but I'm determined not to ruin the next 40. I want to do so many things. I've so many ideas and so much hope of doing better but it is a daily battle. A daily battle to remind myself that my stupid naivety and hopeless romantic attitude isn't a bad thing. A daily battle not.

to spend in bed and sob, to convince myself that I'm not an idiot and I do deserve better. I want to write a book, but I don't have a second to breathe. Though on to a crazy, crazy childhood and some crazy stories and experiences, I have a DV worker tell me that my life would make an amazing Netflix documentary. And rather than take offense, I actually got inspired. I want to do a podcast but have no energy to even know where to begin, let alone do it. I'm stuck with no money, no courage, no self-love and no breaks. I burst into tears and a port. because I've managed to sell my engagement ring and get half of what I needed for me and my son to have therapy. I'm looking for anything. Validation, hope, support, inspiration, advice.

Literally, I can't believe I'm doing this. How do I remove this pain and hurt and put into something for me? Something great. How do I ever face another relationship where I don't have trust issues? I want to stay single, but I've just got so much love to give. I plow into my friends, into my kids and occasionally myself, but it's just not the same. I also desperately want to thank you. I want to thank you for being so relatable and raw while being so perfectly queen-like.

You remind me of a lot of chats I've had with my girlfriends, and I wanted to thank you for being so courageous enough to put it out there. I wish I wasn't such a wimp. I'm good at telling stories too. Absolute queens, thank you. These men are vile, mind-blowing creatures, and they need to be called out.

And then she's just put here today I met up with this mum Oh, today I met up with his mum and his ex And gave all his stuff back Queen moment, I know But you can imagine the abuse I've got How dare I not bring his daughter to see him? Anyway, having done it before, I know this isn't forever

But my gosh, this one has knocked me for anything. Much love and respect to you and your families. The world is a better place with you and your truths in it And post by post, you singly handily are bringing me my smile back. Thank you if you've got this far. Can I just say one thing I really want to do is to validate your feelings and how hard you're finding everything. I think, no, Tash would agree.

What you've been through is horrific. Some people haven't even come close to scratching the surface of the shit you've been through. So I really hope you're giving yourself some grace to feel and to recognise. But I've been dealt a really shit hand of cards right now. And, you know, there's no, we don't get a rulebook about how we navigate. these things. We just do our best and sometimes it is a case of keeping our head above the water and it sounds like that's what you're doing. And I know you've said like you've wasted the first 40 years of your life. I don't want you to look at it like that because you have your amazing children. The way

you speak about them radiates love and whether or not you feel like you're doing an amazing job, like please know that the fact you're even worrying about them tells us that you are doing the most incredible job. You're prioritising them. You're thinking about them. You're trying to get your son therapy as well. And I think sometimes we need to give ourselves credit. Like things don't just suddenly switch from being really difficult to really easy. Things take time. And it also sounds like you're still in the grieving process of the life you thought you were going to have. I can really relate to the whole aspect of like being this hopeless romantic and like romanticizing the idea of falling in love and having a blended family and running off into the sunset and living

happily ever after. And I really relate to the fact of I feel like I have always poured my love into everyone else around me, friendships, men, kids, family. And it's time to pour that love into yourself. We need to stop putting men at the forefront of our stories, of our lives and pour that love into yourself because you are so deserving of it. And until you start loving yourself, you're not going to attract the right person. You're not going to accept the kind of behaviour you deserve. You're going to keep settling because you're looking for that validation from someone else because you see the best in people. And I think that can be a really difficult thing to have. I wish I had advice to be like, this is what

you need to do. It does sound like you're trying to do all the right things. And sadly, sometimes I do think it is the case of time and to keep going and to persevere with the things like the therapy, the writing, it sounds like you're someone, you said you like to tell stories. I know for me, when I was going through my breakup with my husband, I wrote a lot of poetry. Just getting it down, outletting it, getting it out of my body onto a page just seemed to really, really help me. Same thing with like journaling or a planner, things like that. But I think you need to be kinder to yourself

that you're doing a really good job. You're surviving. And I know some days we feel like we're just about surviving, but sometimes that's also okay for now. That was, you've been through a lot. And I do really resonate when you said that. You know, you are okay to be single, but you feel like you've got a lot of love to give.

And I feel like it's also okay for now, just the love that you've got to give, give to yourself your kids and the friends around you that are there to support you. There is something, I don't think we speak often enough about, you know, our soulmates being our female friendships. Like they are who, they are the people that pick up the pieces when they didn't even break your heart

and it's keeping those people close to you because they are, as well as your children, what get you through the hard times. I think it is like what Carly said, the more you pour into yourself and the more love you have for yourself, the less likely anything like this will happen again because you will not accept scraps, breadcrumbs, or, you know, less than what you deserve.

So thank you for sharing that. I feel like that was probably quite difficult to write. But also probably you found it quite therapeutic and like we say to people, you know, even if we don't get to read your email out, a lot of people say in their email, like it actually felt really good just to write it. Writing does make such a different.

I can't tell my friends or family about this. Hi girls, I watch your podcast every Thursday and I'm obsessed. Sorry, this may be a long one, so I'll cut some bits out where I can, but here goes. To give a bit of a backstory, me and my partner have been together for 12 years since we were teenagers, my first and only ever boyfriend. He's a few years older than me, so he does have an ex-girlfriend. Anyway, when we first got together, everything was great. Skip ahead two years and I noticed the change in his behaviour randomly.

From the day we met, we were inseparable, and I mean literally, a day of not seeing each other here or there, but other than that, we were in each other's pockets. Probably not the best I know. Anyway, I woke up that day after I noticed his change of behaviour and instantly had a sickly feeling in my stomach. My gut feeling was telling me something wasn't right. That is the best way to describe it. It's like that sick. She can't be your finger on it, but you know, like something just doesn't sit right in you. Do you what I mean?

I was talking about that this week whilst I was away. I thought about a lot of in-depth conversations with women this week about the trauma that men have put them through. I can't remember what we were talking about. I started a bit of a revolution in one of the toilets about men. No wonder I get this reputation. You should have worn a tissue. I know, I felt like handing them out.

I can't remember where I was. I was like, if anyone in this queue has been traumatized by a man, you need to listen to my podcast. Probably bullsie. It's so funny. If you just stood up on the plane and started like just giving a speech. By the way. Yeah, it's so funny.

So I sat on my phone and I logged into his social media. I didn't have any of his login details but luckily enough, the first password I guessed I got in. And straight to the messages I went and there it was. His ex-girlfriend. Months worth of messages. Her telling him how much she missed him, asking how his family is and him replying how much he missed her too. I sat there for over an hour reading all the messages crying. They'd met up a few times and she even dropped him to my house.

How did I not see? Anyway, I confronted him with the messages. As a deeply in love teenager, I took him back. He saw nothing had happened between them. So I made him block her on all social media and he started fresh. I didn't bring up what happened after that day. After all, I chose to stay with him so I couldn't keep throwing that back in his face. That's fair.

Over the next couple of years, I'd still get the gut feelings, which would leave me back to his phone. The emails, the websites messaging random girls for meetups, following girls on Instagram and going out of his way to like their half-naked posts, the list goes on. Silly me, a young girl, still sober-sotted by him. I stayed. I never brought all of this up to him as I was so scared to lose him. Stupid, I know. Can I quickly say, it's actually not stupid. I know that you writing it

and a lot of people might listen to that and be like, oh, how stupid. Like, I really, really relate to this sort of stuff. Like, when you know no different and you are so in love with someone and you can't imagine life without them, unfortunately, unless you've been in it, you won't understand how easy it is

to block things out and ignore things that you really, really should not be ignoring. So don't call yourself stupid. So many of us do that to avoid confrontation or conflict of them to... Or breaking up? Yeah, to walk away. I agree.

Anyway, fast forward, nine or ten years, we now have three children and a house together, and this is now where I finally see a problem in our relationship. Ridiculous, isn't it, when he done all of that to me in the past, but it was my decision to stay, so I don't want to be that person to keep throwing it in his face. Truthfully, I've never actually been clued up about all the other forms of domestic abuse,

but watching your previous videos have made me question, is this what's happening to me now? I'll list a couple of scenarios. The usual, who are you getting dressed up for, followed by days of silent treatment after a couple of drinks at the pub with my friends. So I stopped going out as that was easier to me than dealing with the consequences afterwards. We've always had a pretty good sex life, but if on the odd days where the kids have been a lot and I'm exhausted, I say no, he goes into a huff and again, silent treatment. But in the last two years, I'd say it's got worse. As soon as I upload photos to social media, he's scanning who likes or comments and then

questions me who they are and where do I know them from. He says I'm uploading photos to get attention, even if they are of me and my children. Truthfully, he's always accusing me of cheating. The reflection. Often tells me that he knows I've been inviting the neighbours round for a quickie whilst he's at work. So stupid.

I'm at home with our one-year-old. When I turned 25, I was called for my routine smear test. It better be a female nurse, is the response I got when I told and I booked it. Skiving insecure. No check-in when I got home to see how it went. The same really when I was in labour with my youngest.

No-mail doctor was allowed to touch me is what I got told before walking into the delivery suite at 41 weeks pregnant. That's really weird. I had a really fit guy who did my epidural. Whenever I told anyone like what hospital I was at and they like he must be renowned for being this hot doctor. they were like, oh, did you have doctor? And I was like, yeah. When we're out together, I'm constantly looking at the floor, avoiding eye contact with anyone of the opposite sex,

because that will trigger him if anyone was to look at me. He doesn't see other guys finding me attractive as a good thing. He says it's disrespectful to him. All of these are followed by, of course, silent treatment. And then days later, he'd walk in and act like nothing has happened. I've never stopped in doing what he wants to do. He can go and do whatever he wants, whilst I'm at home in a circle of school-run housework, cooking dinner and cleaning.

I told him recently I want to go back to work and his response was, you don't need to. But I want to, for my own sanity, to find a bit of myself back to what I was before my children. But it doesn't sit right with him, the thought of him not knowing what I'll be doing and who I'll be talking to. The truth is, I've never done wrong by him or remotely looked at another guy since I've been with him, but I can't convince him otherwise. I truly believe that he knows all the stuff he has done wrong against me and he thinks I'm going to do the same back to him. I feel as though I'm constantly in a state of fight or flight.

My stomach is in knots at the minute. I see him pull up on the drive after work as I scan his mood to see if he's going to speak to me today or be short and snappy with me. I do everything myself for me and my children. I can't remember the last time he read them a book at bedtime, help them brush his teeth, play with them and the toys. It's like he's lost all interest in our family and only wants me for one thing and one thing only.

When he's in a mood, I try everything I can to soften it to try and pull him back into me. I sit and ask questions about his day, speak about the gym, everything I can. If something's happened in my day, I try to tell him, but he's just not interested. He often cuts me off to talk about something that happened at work. I'm 28 now, and having three young children and all of this is a lot of times, and honestly I've been struggling mentally lately. I've expressed him on the odd occasion. and how it makes me feel,

and he tells me he doesn't know he was acting that way and he'll change it. And he does for a week or so. And then he goes back to this person who isn't the same one I met all those years ago. I know myself, this isn't a healthy relationship and I know deep down when I'm an old lady, I regret all the years I put up with this shit

and wish if I'd have opened my mouth sooner. And I've never let my boys be treated by their partners this way. Easily said than done though, isn't it? When this is my life right now, and honestly, I don't know how to get out of it. I really do want to be with him because when we're good, we're so good. But again, it's the whole idea of romanticising the good times when truthfully we have more bad than good. But what do I do when I want this to work so bad, but I don't see how?

Sorry again for the long message, but I honestly don't know where to go from here. And the thought of telling any of my friends or family gives me serious anxiety. I don't want anyone to think he's a bad guy because I don't think he is, but I just don't know what this is or how I'm going to go about it. Can a person like this change or am I fighting a losing battle? Please keep me anonymous and thank you for taking the time to read. I feel like I actually really resonated with a lot of that email, not in regards to the way that he's been showing up,

but more how you're feeling, how you feel like you can't tell friends and family, how you don't want people to think badly of him, really, really holding on to the good part and hoping that he's going to make these changes. I hate to break it to you, but no changes are going to be made. The way that he is showing up is him as a person. And you're saying that there are good times.

I'd really like to know what you think the good times are because are the good times only actually existing because you are appeasing to everything that he wants? The sex, they're not going out, the, you know, not posting on Instagram, the having to look at the floor when you go out. are the good times that you are holding onto because you are almost being like silenced, that's something that I want you to reflect on because if that is the reason for the good times, then they're actually not good for you. They're just good for him. Like, it's really sad

because it sounds like, look, you've never been with anyone else. So it is so scary. The unknown is so daunting. You've got three kids. You're with this man. You've never been with anyone else. You can't imagine your life with anyone else. But you're saying that you don't want to end up being an old woman and regretting your whole life. You are still so young.

You have so much more of your life ahead of you. Don't look back in another five years and be like, now I'm not as young. Like, had I left at this time, you know, I was pretty much, you know, with someone for 17 years, three young children and it was fucking terrifying and I could hand on heart say leaving my marriage was the best thing that I ever did and my advice to you would be to seriously sit down and reflect on what you want the rest the next 10 years of your life to look

like because to me there's two paths there is you are in exactly the same place but you're just 10 years older with the same anxiety with the same fight or flight with the same worries as to is he going to ignore me today, etc, etc. Or 10 years time, wow, you could be with an amazing partner who supports you, helps you with your kids, have more children with him, be in a job that you like because you don't have someone telling you that you shouldn't work. I know which path I would choose. I just think there's so many people who are just living in this fight or flight.

being on edge and wondering which version of him am I going to get when he comes home from work, that is not a way to spend the rest of your life. You're living in fear. You're living in fear because this man is verbally, emotionally abusing you. The fact that you're too scared now to go out and make plans. You're scared to post on your social media. You're not even allowed to go out and get a job because that's something you want to do for you because of his insecurities

because what he's putting on you, that's abuse. What you're living with is abusive and I think it's very difficult when we're living in it to see it for what it is and I really think that maybe you listening back to that email

might be like shit, like how am I putting up with this? If that was one of your friends and they came to you and they were like, this is the way I'm living, you'd be like, what are you doing? And I really want you to listen to that. No one should be living in the fear

of their partner coming home. I think there's something to be said about someone's energy coming into your house, you know, not wanting to spend time as a family. That's not just life with young kids. That's him. That's who he is. And I think also based off everything that's happened in the past, you can see things don't change. Things don't change.

You've had those gut feelings over the last few years again. That's not a coincidence. That's not you're on edge. That's because your gut instinct. isn't wrong. I really want you to listen to that and be intuitive and know that something's not right and that feels off to you and actually you deserve to live a life that's so much more than this. And I just hope you know that you're stronger than you realize and you're already carrying so much of it on your own. Imagine doing it as a single mom being able to go out and work for you,

for your kids, getting that you back again. I just think if I was just. If I was just, you, I would leave. Yeah. Same. Okay, product of the week. I have this pixie liquid blush, but you can also use it in your lips. I was sent a package of them all different colours. I got them too. Did you?

Yeah, I didn't know that they were lip and blush. Yeah, I read it this morning. I read it. I was like getting ready and I was trying to use them. They're the nicest colours. I just think, like, I'm very, I normally, reach for the same colour just because it's there and I know I like it. But I experimented this morning. This one is fresh. It is such a nice colour. I've got it on. They go on really nice.

They're liquid. You need the tiniest amount and then just dab it into your cheeks. But they're the pixie ones. They're really, really affordable. They come in such nice colours. So yeah, go get it. Cute. Love that. Confession of the week. Hi, ladies. I'm absolutely loving your podcast. I wanted to share something with you that I thought was just quite funny. I've been with my partner now for three years. Really, really waiting for him to pop the question. So I thought I'd do something a bit toxic but a bit funny. Every so often I take his phone. I go onto his TikTok and his Instagram.

I search engagement rings and proposal TikTok so his algorithm comes up. With all these good ideas as to how to propose to me, I'm hoping he sees it as a sign from the universe that it's something that he should do soon. note to those that want to do this. I thought I'd share this little life hack with you girls in case this is something that you want to do too. I mean, it's quite fucking clever really, isn't it? I've seen that like that funny...

Oh yeah. You know, like a ring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because your phone does hear you. I mean, babe, keep it's updated. Let us know when he gets down on one knee. Yeah, I want to know. Love that.

There's a moment after divorce, it doesn't come right away, where you're folding laundry, absently minded watching golden girls and you suddenly realise the anxiety is gone. You are no longer flinching at the sound of a text. You are no longer waiting for permission to exhale. You are no longer shrinking to keep the peace.

You are no longer jumping to quiet the children's squeals of play. And you will weep, not from sadness, but from the sheer relief of being allowed to simply exist. Oh God, that gave me goosebumps. It's my favourite lady. Guys, I do want to shout her out because I'm obsessed with her. She's called Olivia Howell. when someone just can articulate things you didn't even know you were thinking but you're thinking.

She is amazing. I do tag her when we share her things, but go and give her a follow because she's unreal. Love that. Guys, little reminder, if you've loved this episode and you want to see us in real life, go and head over to... We look better as well. We think the camera adds to 10 pounds. I find it funny when people meet me and they're like, oh my God, you're so short. It's like, okay, thanks.

I am aware. I get told I'm shorter than they think I am because they think, you're so tall. They think I'm so tall. Yeah. Fine. My fault. I also got told when I bought me to someone in Ibiza. I looked amazing. I was just on four days. I beth, I looked like death. Yes, make sure you go and head over to the link either on this episode or the link in our Instagram

bio or TikTok. Go and get your tickets. We are very excited to see you. November is going to be coming around very quickly. And we will see you next week. Bye.