Not As We Planned - Hollie Dowding: Surviving Domestic Violence... How I Finally Sent My Abuser To Prison

Episode Date: August 5, 2026

When Hollie Dowding finally walked away from her abusive relationship, she never imagined the journey that would follow.In this powerful and emotional conversation, Hollie shares how coercive control, trauma bonding and domestic abuse slowly took over her life, why leaving wasn't as simple as "just walking away", and how she found the strength to fight for justice, ultimately seeing her abuser sent to prison. She also opens up about the healing process, living with PTSD, and why she's now dedicated to helping other survivors through her podcast and House of H.E.R.This is one of the most important conversations we've ever had. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, we hope Hollie's story reminds you that you're not alone and that help is available.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. This week's episode does come with a trigger warning. We are talking to a survivor of domestic violence who has. left an abusive relationship. It is very emotional. It is very eye-opening and it's going to be a good one. So really excited to introduce Holly Dowding. So guys, we are going to introduce you to Holly. So welcome to the pod.

I think this conversation is one that I feel like we get loads of emails in from people who have been and experienced domestic violence. And Tasha and I can only give so much advice. And I guess like under. because we've not been in that situation. Yeah. And yeah, before we get into it, could you give us a little introduction, what you do, and a bit about your story?

Yeah, so I'm Holly. I'm a mum of two. And two years ago, I think it's coming up. Well, he went to prison. Well, it's a year ago, actually. I left a really high-risk domestic abuse relationship. He actually was sentenced in September. he got eight and a half years, but he went guilty.

So unfortunately, with how the system is they reward them, doesn't make sense. But they give them 25% off to say, yeah. So I think it went down to like six and a half years. And yeah, I've just been through that whole journey. I feel like I literally went to Rock Bottom is the only way I can describe it. And I've learned so much on that. that healing journey and I feel like I when I was going through it unless you've been through it you don't and I was you know I'm lucky enough that I had never been surrounded by that I don't have

friends that have gone through it luckily I don't have family that have gone through it so it was completely new and I had no idea what I was going through and it was such a lonely and confusing time but one of the good things I was in a position to do was go to therapy and I had an amazing support network and through that I learned so much of what was happening, what I was going through why I was feeling the way I was feeling and I wanted to turn that pain into power and almost I think to like help me. I think for a while it distracted me of what I was going through making sure that something so negative was going to turn into something positive of me helping people. So I actually started The House of Her podcast, which was basically sharing everything that I was

learning through therapy, through the charity work, through my court case to help other people. And I've then just recently launched an app called The House of Her Hub, which is basically a hub for women, whether they think they're going through it. And I think, you know, we'll get onto it. But when you are going through it, you kind of belittle how you're feeling. You make excuses. You know, maybe it's the way I talk to them. Maybe if I didn't dress this way, if I acted a different way, if I didn't do this. And then you, you know, blame, oh, they've had a bad day at work. Oh, they're stressed with money.

And all of these things and you take on that pressure. So there's, you know, pages on there to basically, I think if you look at it, you will recognise what's on there because it will make you think that's what I'm thinking. I guess it's like to do with some of the gaslighting part that you start like questioning your own reality. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's so distorted. It's one of the biggest things. Like one of the biggest things when I left was,

I actually did not know what was real and what was not. I actually was questioning, am I going mad? Like, has this even happened? I was thinking back to events, thinking, did he even do this to me? And luckily, I had a lot of evidence, but your reality is so distorted. Your gut instinct is, like, gone, and you just don't know. So I think that's one of the things I wanted people to go on there and be able to get clarification and just feel a little bit more settled in how they're,

feeling and no they're not crazy they're not going mad and there's also like a charity find us if they put in their postcode it will bring all their local domestic abuse charities wow that's we don't know so we sometimes don't know where to like guide people to go yeah so this is what i wanted so i don't want to take i'm not qualified in therapy or counseling or anything like that but what i wanted was what i found i went back and thought of all the things that i felt like i could have found useful at that time. And something, I think when you ring domestic abuse charities, like I was transferred to one, but when you're going through that, you're not taking in what they're saying on the

phone. You're coming off the phone and you don't remember, like, anything they've said. So I wanted something that's in someone's back pocket that they can take things from whenever they want to. So there's links on there to the Claire's Law. So if you want to know if your ex-partner has got any history of violence, you can do that. So it links you to everything.

It links you to non-molestation orders. It will give you all the charity finders. There is a tool on there which basically looks like it's like a Spotify, so it's an evidence recorder. So they can record because what I found in my journey was I was lucky I didn't live with him. A lot of women that I speak to and probably that you have in your community are married. You have children. So a lot of what goes on is face to face.

where I didn't, I had a lot of evidence over text messages. So it was a lot easier in my case to prove the coercive control side of things. Whereas if you're living with someone, all of those conversations are face to face and a lot of the women are going and they're stuck in a position of, it's your word against mine. And obviously this has to be done in a safe way. I'm not just saying whack your phone out and, you know, everything has to be done safely. But if you are in a position and more for, you know, it can't always be used in court,

but more so for your own sanity to know. And there's an evidence vote on there as well. So instead of saving evidence to your phone, you can save it through the app. There's so much on there. There's PDFs on everything. But I think the biggest thing is connecting people to the resources that they need when they need it

and making sure that they know they can go somewhere whenever they feel like it. If today you want to do a Claire's law and then in three weeks' time you want to do a non-monistation, and you've got all of that there and you haven't got to scramble and try and think while you're trying to survive something so terrible.

Yeah, wow, can I ask, in regards to like a Claire's law, if someone, I know that obviously you can check if someone has any previous, like, violent behaviour. If you want to put in a Claire's law against someone, is it noted who it's been put in by? No, so it's completely anonymous. And the police are really careful. Like when they do the Claire's Law, they will only speak to you.

They will call you first on a private number, make sure it's safe to talk. And then with me, they done a video call. There is a little bit of, I actually done a huge post on Claire's Law. And the only bad thing I think, and I think it is changing when I have spoke to people, but you can actually say something about someone and then get found not guilty. I think what a lot of women were saying is when they're ever. had Claire's or they've been in an abusive relationship. These men are so manipulative and a lot of the time they know how to work the system.

They've done this before that a lot of the women were getting things said about them and it was going on there, Claire's Law. Even if they were found not guilty, it stands on there for a period of time, which is the other side of it. It can be so useful, but like of anything, there's always like a bit of a pro and a con. I mean, it's an amazing tool and I think if I had had done it, although, he had nothing on there to do with women, he had a very violent past to do with fighting. And that's the other thing I'd say, just because it is nothing on the Claire's Law,

it doesn't mean that you're going insane. I think that is a biggest thing because he didn't have any violent history with his ex. And I know two of his exes, and actually it's his little girl's mum, who I'm now very good friend. He was stepped forward. You know, he was the same with her. So just because that's not on a Claire's law. It doesn't mean that. Yeah, I was actually almost thinking of for someone to want to add, like put in a

law. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it will now automatically. So if you go to, I think if you go to the police, it automatically goes. I didn't actually file for a Claire's law, but because I was going through a court case, it naturally they add. Fine. So anything like that.

But I think if you want to go and speak to the police and report it, you can go. even if I think down the line they were found not guilty, then you can put in that there is a history of that. Okay, fine. We had a lot of people sending questions, so we thought we were just delving and get going. I know, do you know what? The scary thing is, is how many people go through it.

I think when you're going through it, I felt so alone. And then when I started sharing my story, because a lot of it is social media, and I felt like I was hiding and not being able to, like, like go up and then I just thought, you know what, I've got to be honest and share this. And I was literally, I couldn't believe it, like the amount of women that go through it. Even now, I don't know. Oh my God.

Like it's actually sickening. But talking about it, I guess it's similar to what we do in the podcast. I think when you start sharing up and open up your vulnerabilities. And I guess to a degree it's like therapy for you, like getting it out there and like almost being like people actually understand. But also like that feeling of knowing or helping other people are so powerful. Yeah. And I think sometimes like I went. for yesterday I actually shared quite a personal story of mine and I've not done that for a little

while and I think it's so hard because it's so heavy that I'm stuck in between a place of like I need to move on a little bit but then I get messages of like I had one yesterday like you've saved my life if it wasn't for your podcast and then I'm like I can never stop yeah yeah and sometimes I feel like you know you do sometimes I'm like oh are people getting bored of hearing my story, you know, I'm reliterating it. Like, does anyone even get, but then you get those messages and it just solidifies. If one person's life is saved, I will share this every day. And whoever doesn't want to hear it can unfollow me.

Bye. Because there's women that absolutely do need it. And I think I just hope, yeah, that I can give. And also through my court case, it's not the same in all situations, but hopefully I can give hope that you can get some sort of justice. Not all of them are just turned a blind eye to. And I think that is getting better. I think it's a big thing at the minute.

And I think the justice system is realizing that change needs to be made. Yeah, I think that hearing your story and having someone here that can talk from experience, we have had a number of emails where they've actually been quite difficult to read. And it's almost like you don't even know what advice or what to say, especially those that have emailed in and they're still in those relationships. Just one, I don't think I'll ever forget the one that we read where after we had read it out loud and filmed it, obviously our podcast doesn't go out for a few weeks.

We frantically were trying to find how to contact her because we were concerned that she genuinely wouldn't actually be alive to even listen to the episode. Yeah, I know. And I think it's just, it's, I think it's very scary because with something like this, it's very clear. No one knows what happens behind closed doors. That was the whole thing of my post yesterday is like you don't know and you're trying and almost you feel shameful and you do.

And it's the weirdest thing because why, but I almost felt like, oh my God, you know, I've got two children. I'm not with their dad. I'm in another relationship. Like I just need to get on with it and you feel embarrassed. Like you feel like you are because they're making you feel like you're crazy. you're, when you're in it, it's the weirdest thing because you're not believing that they're this monster. Like, you know what's going on is not good

and you know it's, in a way, abuse. But you're so blindsided by what they're telling you and you're carrying so much shame and guilt and believing that if you was different, they wouldn't, that you are made to believe that if, that you are making them like that. And when you were going through it, did you tell anyone?

No. So for a long time, nobody. And then it was actually my sister. I think actually the day that I left him for the first time, she, the police, I basically was driving her car for a couple of weeks. And we went into Harlow for something to eat. And it kicked off because I walked in front of him too far. and he was grabbing me in Harlow, took my phone off me, was screaming at me, pushing me around

to the point where children were filming us. You know, like, kids, I'm probably on a YouTube clip somewhere, because they was like, what is going on? And it got really bad, and someone reported it to, a member of the public, reported it to security, and they followed me back to my car. to make sure I got back okay. That's really good. Which was really good

because you don't actually get that in Capulik anymore. My sister's, the car was obviously at her address. So one day her boyfriend was in Ibiza. So you can imagine two police officers have turned up at her door on like a Sunday. I think it was a Sunday because it was the final for the Euros when England was playing. I'm pretty sure that was a Sunday. And they knocked at her door and was like, can we come in? And she was like, no.

She's obviously thinking they're going to say her boyfriend's like died in Ibiza or something. And it was them, I was saying, we've had a domestic abuse case reported. And she was like, what? Yeah. And then they said the car registration, we've tracked it. And then straight away, she was like, my sister drives that car. And she rung me and was like, what the hell is going on? And I was like, no, we're so good.

Like, we're better than ever. We've had our problems. And she was like, whole, people argue all the time. No one calls the police or report something to a security guard unless it's overstep that line. And that was the same day we went out for my dad's birthday. And that was the day that I left him the first time. And it wasn't even one of the worst, but it was, you know, the mentor before I had a dress on, calling me names, calling me a slag, telling me I'm attention seeking.

We saw my little boy's dad out. And he just switched because I said hello to my son's dad. and my sister came outside and she was like the evilness in his eyes, the way he was staring at me. It was like his eyes would go black. We went home and he was pushing me, chubbing me, calling me names, took my phone off me again and pushed me into the stairs and I cut them all my back.

And this was one of the least things that had happened. But my son walked through the door as this happened. And so, this bit gets me when I talk about it. And I just thought this is getting too close because I didn't live with him. I was lucky in the fact that I could keep it from the children. You know, I would only really see him around the times, sorry, around the times that he wasn't with me.

And he walked through the door. And I kind of got up and I said to him, can I have my phone? Because I knew now Jensen was there that he wouldn't be able to say. And that was it. And then I said to him, like he left because Jensen had walked in

and I was like, I just said to him, you'll never ever come back in this house again. But he did because I went back into that cycle and actually in my aunt passed away around the same time. And it sounds so crazy. And, you know, when you've been for it, you'll get it. He was the person who tore me down to the lowest level. But the only person who could.

make me feel better. And it was like I could get validation from anywhere and the only person I wanted it from was him. And so I reached out to him and kind of took on, like he'd bombarded me, bombarded me, bombarded me. And then when he didn't for a week. It's like an addiction. I was, and this is what I learned in therapy

is that your body releases the same chemicals as what a drug addict releases when they are addicted to drugs or an alcoholic is addicted. to alcohol, you crave that fix. But then when you get it, so of course I went back and then was in that cycle again. And then it's 10 times worse because it's like you've gone back into it. You've accepted that behaviour. Yeah.

Everyone now thinks you're crazy. Yeah. He thinks it's not that bad because you've come back to me. The true colours soon shine through. You know, that act doesn't last too long. And before I knew it, it was this is why I've punched your head in and, all of this behaviour and then I'm like, oh my God, how do I get out again? And it's exactly like what an alcoholic would feel.

You have that drink, you get that fix, you feel like you need it. And then you're back in that cycle and you've got to start that whole process again. And that feels so scary that you end up staying in it. What was it that got you out of that cycle? So when we actually split up the first time, that time when I left, I was part of my best friend was married to his best friend so we was actually friends

for like 10 years before I was with him so I knew him I trusted him we'd been out in groups and I knew he was he used to be like a bit nutty when he was younger a bit paranoid but everyone had said to me he's changed he's grown up you know sometimes

you trust what your friend's saying you put it down to age you know I'm talking like when you're 18 19 when you're in your 30s you hope someone would be different And so we was part of a really good friendship group. And actually when I left him that first time, he actually went to my best friend's husband, who was his best friend,

and said, I've been a bit handsy with Holly. I think he was scared that I was going to, you know, speak to everyone. And I hadn't actually said anything. Can I remember my best friend coming to me and saying to me, like, what's going on? He's told us, you know, he's done this. And I was like, I don't want to talk about it. I think for me at that point, I had got so used to numbing it down

that I knew the second that that became my reality and reliving it, I got so used to just being like, no, I'm fine, I'm good, you know, talking and chatting as usual. And it wasn't real that the second those floodgates opened, I was scared of what was going to happen. His mum and sister and family knew. Wow. And they was all for me at the beginning.

And then as soon as I went to the police, that was it. Really? Yeah, just turned. His sister, to be fair, still doesn't talk to him as far as I'm aware, but she was visiting him in prison. There was a time where I found out that he has actually started seeing someone just after we left after telling me, bombarding me with emails, obviously I'm up to no good.

And his sister was telling the girl to go and meet him and see him in prison. Wow. Crazy. And, yeah, you just can't like. The enabling for me is the worst part, but she actually had to come to my house one day and rescue me when he was beating me up with her boyfriend. His mum knew they all had pictures.

I would send it to them because for me, if I told my sister and my mum, that's it. I can't go back then, you know, and I wasn't ready. I was so dependent on him. I thought I loved him and I couldn't see how I was ever going to survive without him. Like he, you just are so,

dependent on their acknowledgement of you, like they're, you know, them making you feel better. And you're being told no one else is going to want you, who's going to want you? You're lucky I want to spend all this time of you. If you meet someone else, they're just going to want to come around and sleep with you and no one's ever going to want to be in your life. And, you know, your whole body, every part of my body was like ridiculed, you know, every part of me, my life, who I am, the way I spoke, the way I wore my hair, every single part of me. So you're left feeling worthless. then you're relying on them. So if I told my mum and my sister straight away, they're going

to lock me in a room so that I don't go back. Yeah. So almost telling his family was like I was releasing little bits and this was right towards the end. But I knew that if I wanted to go back, they'd be in support of that and not make me leave. So it was almost like I was getting something out. Did you get anything back from them? Like did they say anything in response to? I've actually got messages from his mom like you should call the police on him he's lucky and don't and then as soon as I went to the police posted all over Facebook that I'm um what did they say I'm um manipulative oh I'm bitter um I'm doing this yeah because I'm jealous um honestly crazy it's actually scary his name is his man actually text someone and said there's nothing like a woman scorned

like I'm a jealous they was all in court and the thing is right as mums we get it you know i would support my son with anything i you know i don't if they want to go to court i get that but what i would be saying to the girl is you have absolutely done the right thing he needs to be locked away i wouldn't be standing behind my boys if they were doing that if you choose to do that you know if your son and you want to go and you want to go and visit him and tell him you know he's your son it always be you'd always be your son but he's a scumbabre you and he deserves to be there. That was the thing for me is that the whole time they was looking at us,

like I had done something wrong. And this guy, like, he broke my bones. Like, I spoke about yesterday. Like, the things he done to me locked me in car parks at 2 o'clock in the morning. Like, that for me was like the worst thing, the PTSD from being locked in a car and like just the mental side of it. actually the physical violence, I feel like the bruises do fade, it's the emotional side of it and that PTSD that is like,

that will stay with me for, it's changed me forever. What would you say, if you don't mind saying, is the worst thing that he did to you? They was all like in, so one, the one night that I posted about yesterday, he accused me of chatting up a girl in a restaurant that I actually got for us that they asked me to go there and do promotion and it was quite far away so we were staying in a hotel afterwards and he was being, he was the kind of guy and this is another thing, they never look how they are.

I had this thing and I talk about this on the podcast all the time that you'd be able to know her and abuse it is. He's like a big man sits in the pub drinking all day, like a Trevor for me, Stenders, do you remember who was with Little Moe, that you'd be able to spot one a mile off. And it's, so I just, you just would never know. He was the loudest in the room, always up for a laugh.

Everyone liked him. You'd never know. Did your family like him? I think I kept him quite separate for a long time. I think I knew deep down that I think they had, they just wanted to see me happy. He wasn't around them too much, but I think as time went on,

they had their suspicions, but never to the degree. I think they knew he wasn't right for me, but like my sister said when we'd done an episode, you'd never assume that. But he, we went out for my birthday and he was being loud. And so we had a few drinks. And then I was on the dance floor and there was a girl dancing next to me. And as you do, I was dancing.

And that was it. Like I'm trying to like get with this girl. I'm flirting with this girl. We ended up, I went outside for a cigarette to like diffuse. He came out. had a cigarette. He was flicking the cigarette ash all over me. He poured all my belongings all over the floor.

And while I was picking him up, was spitting on me, kicking me while I was outside. And no one helped. No one. This is an outside of a busy bar that turned into a club and not one person came over and helped me. And I'm like on the floor scrambling. And we ended up getting.

in the car and he was drink driving, but I'm like it's so weird because you think that you would just leave, you think that someone doing that, that you would just like me now, I'm like, oh my God, what was you doing, getting in a car? But all I wanted him to do was cuddle me. Like all I wanted him to do was be okay. And that was the night he, I think he tried to get the keys. And I was like at the beginning, I was like, no, we're not driving. And he bent my finger all the way back and broke it. And we got back to the hotel, drove, and he locked me in the car, and I had to call the police. I had like 6% battery on my phone. I was in a dingy car park at like 2 o'clock in the morning. And I literally was like, I get like claustrophobic as well. And I was thinking,

oh my God, I don't know where I am. It's pitch black. My finger is like throbbing. swollen, I've got no battery and I was just thinking I'm just going to be left stuck here all night. So I called the police. They came and got me out and they could see I was in a state. Like I think I had cuts over me where I'd been on the floor, my finger and I was just the state of me, honestly. Like I was just so distressed. And they was like, we, you know, do you want to come with us? Do you want to press charges?

And I was like, no, he's not done anything. And then I went upstairs and he, I get confused with dates. I think this was the day, yeah, it was when he bit my face. So we got into it eye and he just literally got hold of me and bit my face and threw me on the floor. And I smashed my head on a cabinet and I literally was like spinning out and screaming. And he literally just came out the bar, like walked into the bathroom, came out of the bathroom and just like trod over me. Literally just like stepped over me and got him. in bed. And I think for me that night was probably one of, there's been a few, like, bad nights,

but I think for me that was like one of the worst and going home to my children and like, I couldn't cut their food. I couldn't, like, trying to do. And that for me is just, yeah, one of the worst parts of it. Like, there was so many times, but I think that, that night, I I think it was the car as well, like the whole PTSD of that sheer panicky feeling. And I laid in bed and asked him to cuddle me. That's all I wanted from him is like he'd done this to me. And all I wanted from him was to show me that he still loved me. And I would see it.

And the next day, we actually, that day, we got up in the morning. And my hand was like so swollen. It was like black and blue. It was all bruising here. I couldn't move it. see my face I had like bite marks in my cheek and we got in the car and he didn't talk to me the whole way home and I remember we got home and he was like I was begging him and he literally like had a kettle in his hand filled with hot water and was like if you don't shut up I'm going

to pour this hot water over you and I still was begging him and I would sit there and like literally I remember we walked into the bedroom and he was then started crying that he felt sober and I would literally lay there like stroking him saying like I know you're not a bad person I know I shouldn't have done that like taking complete responsibility

for everything like he's dragged me out naked because I told him that I didn't tell him in the correct manner where the fruit and bed he rang me in like Tesco's and would ask me where like oh where's this on what aisle and I was like I don't know I don't go to that Tesco's And because I said it, he came home and dragged me out naked, ripped my clothes off and dragged me out naked into the hallway of his flat.

Like, there is so many things that, and you know what, actually talking about it now, there's things that sometimes that come up for me that I've just buried, like, that I don't always think of. And it just became such a regular, like, it just, it started off the control, and then it was just full on, full on violence, like weekly. And it was just. How long were you with him? Two years and six months of it was fine.

This was like the love bombings. The love bombing. We went away for a wedding for my friend's wedding and that was the first time that he was violent. He busted my little. He saw a message from a guy that I slept with seven years ago and because I didn't tell him that I'd slept with him he went down my phone and he and actually there was a few

things that I had on his phone. He smashed my phone. He busts my lip, spat on me and was just hitting me with pillows. But I had no phone. I was in Cyprus. Couldn't speak to my children. And he literally, I remember flying home actually. And he was literally like looking at all these nudes he had of previous girlfriends going like, look at her pussy. Look how much better she is than you. Literally like putting them in my face. Like was walking past girls on the beach going, oh my God, I'd love to fuck her. Like, a bit, like, psychotic, like, absolutely psychotic behaviour, but just making me feel, like, I was shaking.

And actually, sorry, I've missed a huge part. That was the first time he broke my finger on that holiday. We was arguing in the street, and again, he bent my finger back. So that was the first time, busted my lips, smashed my phone, broke my finger, and I had to fly home like that with him. Can I ask, the first time it happened? Because obviously I understand like the later ones that you're in this cycle. What did like what was going through your mind like the first time it happened?

I think I was in sheer shock and I think the fact that I was away with him, had I been at home, would I maybe of being different? But I had days and days of him making me feel like I was so wrong in a confined environment. I was embarrassed. My friends were staying in a hotel next door. they knew at that point they could see the changing me. We went to get on a boat party and I had to change my whole outfit that I'd packed. We was down a street and he was screaming at me.

He was accusing me of flirting with my friend's partners. So the whole day we was on a boat party and I was literally sat like this. So at that point I think my friends could start to see signs. But as you do, no, no, it's not like that. Like you're blaming yourself. They knew, but they didn't ever know, I think, the violence. until, and it's mad, even my mum and my sister, like my sister saw a massive bruise on my face,

and I was like, oh, a pole fell on me at the market. And at that point, I did start to think, oh my God, you sound like one of the girls in the films of like, now you're making excuses of the behaviour. And like, I never thought I would be that girl that's having to lie about bruises on her body and make up that she's falling down the flight of stairs or something's happened.

And I think I started to think, oh my God, like this is, this is not good. And I remember saying to him, you're going to, I'm going to end up dead. Like I genuinely, he strangled me once so hard. And I genuinely, it was a ticking time bomb. I knew I said to him, you're going to end up either in prison or I'm going to end up at dead because there was no other outcome. Like the mist went over him.

You couldn't reason with him. you could not reason with him. And it's known now that if someone strangles you, they are likely to go on and kill. That's terrifying. Yeah, that is just... When your sister got, obviously, the police at her, and then it obviously like, that light bulb moment of her realizing,

hold on, you're the one with the car. Yeah. Is that when she actually ended up finding out the extent? Not really. I think she was nervous at that point. I was like, no, we're really good. It was just an argument. arms, I swear. And I think she knew. I think it was that. And then we split up because it was that same day, that morning she phoned me and then we went out and that was when I left him for two

months. So I think I was like, I'm done. And those two months did you let everyone know? So, or your close, like your family, did they know? I think I started opening, no. So my mum and dad didn't find out until the February. So this is in the July. Wow. I stayed away from him until the September and my aunt passed away. And in this time, I was actually, I think I had just buried it for so long. I actually felt really okay at that point. And then he stopped messaging me, my aunt passed away and I needed that comfort blanket back.

And it's mad that he would be so violent and the next day we would lay on the sofa and watch a film and laugh. And he'd be like my best friend again and he could make me feel better. So when my aunt passed, I needed that comfort. that happened and then I started seeing him again and at this point people did know not to the extent of what everything that had happened but I think I went away with my best friend and I did start to it something when she asked me in July I was like no no no and then we went away in the November it was we went away to a caravan weekend and I started opening I think I had a drink

And I started opening up and I'd been seeing him from the September. Do people know that you were seeing him again? No, I hid it all. No. And then I started opening up and she actually told my sister, my best friend, she went and was like, good fun. Yeah. This is.

And I actually don't talk to her anymore. I don't talk to the friendship group because they were so connected and the men still stayed friends with him. Wow. and actually when I had a conversation with her and I don't want to sit and slag her off I don't think the situation was dealt with in the right way at all I think she maybe was between a rock and a hard place

it's her husband she's got two children with him his behaviour and all the men's behaviour was disgusting they enable it I've known in 15 years what do you want me to do but for me my healing journey would never ever have gone anywhere because all I wanted to know every time I spoke to her was what they're saying, what they're thinking. And I just couldn't be around it. They were still going to see him in prison. You know, one of the guys was at the court case, not jumping up, but when he got sentenced,

oh, he's coming out in October. Yeah, he's coming out in October. Like buzzing for him to come out. And I just, I couldn't surround myself with it. And I think that's one of the biggest things is when you are coming out of it, you have to take yourself out of that circle. As hard as it is, you have to eliminate because you will, you cannot heal in the environment that breaks you.

You just cannot. And I learned that. And as soon as I cut them out, I focused on me. All I cared about at that point was what he was thinking of me. Still, him in prison. And I was thinking, oh my God, am I a monster who's put in there? What's he think of me? Like, that's all I cared about.

What's everyone going to say about me reporting him? And when did so you said you told your parents in the fab what made you tell them so that happened in the november my friend told my sister she basically said to me if you stay in this she my sister actually said to me you must be lying about what he's done to you and i've got the most supportive sister you know my family like i couldn't ask for a better family but when you've not been through it you cannot fathom the things that i had told her i mean there is so many so much like you can't that fathom him how someone would put themselves back into that situation. So for her, she was like, how can he be doing this to you and you're choosing to go back? But she said to me, if you stay with him, I'm taking those children and I'm telling mum and dad, because if you want to put yourself in that situation, you do it. But you're not putting those children back in that. And they was, they was never around it. They wasn't. But if I'd have got back with him at some point, you would have lived together. You know, either that or they're going to find their mum's dead body,

you know, as hard as that sounds. So I left him. I actually had a really bad car accident. Someone went through my windscreen. Wow. And I think it wasn't my fault, but I think that for me sent my nervous system into a complete, I cannot live like this anymore.

And it was actually the thing that made me think I need to completely change my life because I'm living on my last nerve. Nobody knows he's still being abusive. I'm back in this cycle. and actually that was when I was like really honest with my sister. I started my healing journey. I started going to therapy.

I started understanding what was going on. He wouldn't leave me alone still. And then in the February, I hit a massive work promotion. And I think through the January, I poured everything into that. And I thought once I hit that, it's going to take away all the pain.

I'm going to hit this. It's something that I've always wanted and I'm not going to worry about him anymore because I'm going to have a bit of more money and I'm going to live, obviously it doesn't work like that. And I think actually when I hit that, it took every last bit and I just hit the floor and I actually went into a breakdown and wanted to kill myself. I was, I can't even explain the feeling of like looking at my children and not wanting to be here anymore. and I couldn't look in the mirror at myself. I was driving to Birmingham to have trauma therapy.

And she literally said to me, you've got to take the mirrors down in your house. Like I couldn't, I can't tell you how, like, obsessive I came about every part of me. And one thing he never tore down was the way I looked. It was always like I was this trophy on his arm. And he, and I think I became so scared that I was going to get a wrinkle. And I know it sounds so crazy. but it was like I was, if I lost that, I still cared about what he thought about me

and that if he would look at me the same and if he still found me attractive and I became so obsessed, like it was like a dysmorphia thing that I would spend hours in the mirror, like spreading my skin trying to find an imperfection, taking pictures to the point I would sit there for eight hours a day, like literally like, I'm not joking, like going like this, trying to see if there was a lion in my skin. Like, it was obsessive. But I think it was like, it was that. And also my therapy said to me, it was distracting me from what was going on.

It was like a way of my body coping. I focused on that so I didn't have to focus on what was mentally happening. And I had to message my sister and say, like, I don't want to do this anymore. And that night she and her and one of my best friends came and stayed on my sofa on my floor. and my sister just thought I need to tell mum and dad now because she's going to do something and if they know I know

they will never forgive me and she did and that was when I went to the police my mum and dad was like there is absolutely no fucking way that you are like this and that man's going out and not only that

I think for me there was two things if this was your daughter if this was Georgie coming and saying this to you what would you feel and also you have got an amazing family and friends. Had I not have had that, I wouldn't be here now. And that's the honest truth. And that scared me because there is so many girls that take their life after abuse because they don't understand what they're feeling. And they've got no one around them to help pick them up. And if it wasn't for my family and friends, and it haunts me

because I'm a mum and my children and my absolute world and to get to a place where you look at your children and think that they are better off without you is a horrible, horrible place to be. But also coming out of that is also showing me how powerful your mind can be because now, don't get me wrong, there's still hard days. But I couldn't imagine feeling to the point of I don't want to be here anymore when I look at my children. So it's actually shown me that as powerful as your mind can be in a negative way, it can also be so powerful in a positive way and you really can heal and I think that will always be with me but

to anyone listening like your life is not over and you are deserving of so much love and better days do come and you know and I've gone on now and turns my pain into a power and I've met someone and you know there is good people out there and my life now I think oh my God imagine I imagine I I did do that. Like what I would have missed out on memories and my children and it can feel so heavy but it doesn't last forever but you have to hit rock bottom. You have to come out of it. You have to you girls know, you've been, but you have to hit that point of total despair

where you feel like your life is over to come out of that other side and it is a fucking horrible journey, horrible. Can I ask? because I think we do have listeners, like we said, who have written in and they're still in these relationships. What advice would you give for someone to leave? I think it has to be done safely. How would you do that?

Because we don't know ever how to advise people. So first of all, I would definitely, obviously on my website, there is, you can put in your postcode and you can find your local charities. For me, doing it safely is the biggest thing. A lot of the time, most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves. It doesn't mean that you should stay at all, but it has to be done safely.

And there is so many charities that can walk that through with you. One of the things that I would say as well that I think is a massive thing is, I think automatically when I left, so many people said to me, block him, block him. And what I learned is do not do that. Because I found also that, so you can block WhatsApp, maybe, emails, social media. but keep one line of communication open, even if you don't respond. Because if you block them off everything, they lose control. And if they cannot get through to you, they will go mad.

And that is when men turn up at your house. They start following you. So I was told to always keep one line of communication, even if you're ignoring them. I think it's called Grey Rock. Oh, the Grey Rock Theory. Grey Rock Theory. Yes, I've heard of that.

And it basically just allows, it keeps you safe because it means they still feel like you're seeing their messages. They've got some element of power still, and they've not totally lost that. Staying, obviously, with family and friends. There is things as well that you can go into pharmacies and shops and say, Annie, if you are in danger. So if someone is following you, if you are in a middle of a, and you're out, for instance, and someone is being abusive, you can go into a shop or a pharmacy and say Annie. If you ring the police and you press 5-5, they will understand that you can't speak and they will just listen.

We can know any of this. Yes, this is all on the house of her hub as well. So like I said, I'm not trying to take away from these people that do an amazing job like women's aid and all these amazing charities. What I want to do is link you all to the information so that you've got it. Sometimes it's hard to know, even know where to start. Where to start. So this has literally got everything. So you can read through it in your own time.

but definitely leaving safe, don't try and leave in the midst of an argument, you know, when tempers are fled. A lot of the time, if you say you're going to go, you're putting your life in danger, I would say. It would definitely be something that has to be thought out. You have to have your trusted contacts, a safe place to go. And I would recommend 100% to have a safety plan in place with a charity before you leave. I didn't I was I was lucky I didn't live with him

but he still turned up at my house he's still threatened to turn up at my house one day I actually had to leave him in my house and walk away and also a really important thing is you don't have to go to the police to be connected with a domestic abuse charity which was something I didn't know

I thought you had to be to go through the whole court process and the police process and then they put you in touch with a charity you don't you can call them and get a safety plan in place. They can tell you what your next steps are. But just going somewhere that is safe, staying with family and friends,

making sure your family and friends know where you are at all times. There is a really good app called the Holleguard app as well, which can track you and keep track of where you are and notify, and be sure it notifies people around you if you're in danger. Yeah, those are the main things. A safety plan is definitely making sure if you are going to leave, obviously, you're saying with family and friends and that you do not block them.

That's probably my biggest thing so that they don't lose control because that can be a very dangerous time. I think that's the thing. I think there's so much information, and I think those first steps when you do leave are so important. For me, one of the biggest things I would say as well, I'd not want to say you can't, but when you go through a hard time,

the natural thing to do is go out and drink. if you do drugs, whatever, you numb the pain. I went out for my birthday in the December and I so nearly went back to him because I woke up feeling vulnerable, feeling needy and I so nearly went back into that cycle. If my biggest thing is you have to cut out alcohol, you have to for those first few months

because that numbs it for that night, the second you are vulnerable, you will end up back in that position. And I almost, almost did, I answered the phone to him. I almost went and met him. And I didn't. And that saved me, really.

Because had I've gone back into that cycle, again, I don't think I'd have come out of it. But you have to, as hard as it is, you have to completely cut out anything that is going to distort what your reality is and anything that makes you feel vulnerable, cutting yourself away from anyone that is connected to them, friends, family.

And it's really hard. when you've got children. I get that. But there is a lot of information as well on the app for parallel parenting. So instead of co-parenting, it's parallel parenting. So there's apps that you can communicate through. There is ways to do that. There is contacts for family court to go through that whole process if there is children involved.

And I do understand, but it's keeping the conversation to a minimal and about the children. And there's all different things on there to help with. that but where you can you need to cut yourself away from anyone that is involved with them because you just you won't ever escape or heal properly. I'm assuming with you sharing your story online you probably get a lot of people reaching out to you whether they're in the thick of it now or they were and it's just nice to have someone that understands and relates. This might be a bit of a question that you wouldn't expect. Do you ever have any men reaching out that have been in the receiving end.

Yeah, I actually, one of a really good friend of mine's brother, he's actually just done a podcast with, is it Liam Tuffs? I don't know. And he was in, she was, I think, an ex-police officer. Wow. And he was in the army. And his story's like, not incredible, but I mean, the strength that he's had to show

and go through it because you're fighting with someone who's an ex-police. I'm pretty sure she was an ex-police officer and he was in the army. Obviously what I do is related to women because that's my audience. So I talk a lot about it and I do get some back. Sometimes, you know, it's not always that way. And of course, and actually on the website there is a section for men that I've put on there with links to that. To be inclusive, you know, it's not, it does happen.

And I think that is actually really overlooked. Yeah, I agree. And I think actually because you're a woman and they're a man, you just automatically think, oh, as if. but it does. And my friend's brother was actually had a really, really bad experience of it. And I think it's something

that definitely does need more awareness. But it's just, it's hard, isn't it? When you've got your, like, trying to... Gosh, yeah, and it's your story. It's my... It's like what we do, like most of our audience are women and naturally we obviously take things from a woman's point of view

because that's our experience of things. Yeah, exactly. But I guess we're starting to get more men email in and sort of talk about their experiences of like women cheating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it's just, I guess it's interesting because yes, I think not naively, but, you know, probably a lot of people, the minute you think domestic violence, you do think women are victim.

And I'm sure, I don't know, obviously, any percentage wise, I'm sure majority it is that way. Yeah. But sadly, it does also happen the other way. And I guess it's probably quite, I'm not. saying it's harder for men on the receiving end, but I think it's probably... It's harder to be believed, I think. Harder to be believed and probably, because it's hard to believe, they probably feel like they can't talk about it as much.

And they carry more shame. Shameful because they're the man. So there is actually, on my website, there is a, there is, I spoke at a domestic abuse event and there was a charity, I think there were a charity called Mankind. And I actually want them to come on my podcast to talk about the men's side of it and all of those things because I can imagine it is a lot more shameful, it is a lot more embarrassing. Not that they should feel embarrassed at all, but their personal and their feeling can be quite, oh my God, I'm a man. How am I getting beaten by a woman? You know, in front of your friends and

your family and not even if it's not like physical, like the mental side of it. So I think there is, but yeah, there is a section on the website which if there is any men watching this that need a help. There is an amazing company called Mankind who do a lot. lot of work with that as well. Can we touch slightly on the sort of trauma bond, like the after, the leaving, like maybe how how women or men feel once they've left an abusive relationship and maybe, you know, making sure that they don't fall back into that with someone else and that sort of emotional side to it? Yeah, so this is something that I am like so passionate about because I think it is so amazing the awareness that is out there on domestic abuse. I think it's

really huge at the moment. And I think what the work they're going in and doing with schools, and I think it's great. With that being said, I think it's all well and good with charities and, you know, taking women out of these and giving them refuge and getting them out of these situations.

But what happens then when you are left as a woman feeling completely beside yourself? They are still on your case. They are begging you back. They're telling you everything you've ever wanted to hear. You then doubt it. You want to believe them. You want to believe them.

You want to go back and you do miss them and you do love them. And it's one of the hardest things to try and navigate. But it isn't love. And love does not hurt. Someone who loves you, no matter how much you want to believe it, I can categorically tell you that's not love. And you deserve so much more. No one who ever loves you would ever want to make you feel like shit,

whether that is physically, mentally, emotionally, whatever way that is. And it's so hard to believe at the time when you want to believe they'll change, they don't. Unless they had electric shock treatment or even at that point, I don't think it would work. I think these men, and a lot of the time they're men, they're not boys. You know, they've gone through their whole life. They've probably done it before. What you are going through and the reason you are missing them and the reason you feel like you cannot be without them is actually a trauma bond. and this is something chemically in your brain

and your body releases the same cord soan hormones and chemicals that a drug addict would get when they are weaning off drugs or an alcoholic would get coming off alcohol or gambler with a gambling addiction your body releases those same chemicals and what happens and how it works is basically as well when your nervous system is used to living

in chaos and fight and flight. I thought, and I'm sure so many other people, and in any type of relationship, when you're used to living on your last nerve and on edge, you walk away. And all I ever thought was, I want to walk away and I want to get, I'm going to have peace.

And actually, when I walked away, the last thing I had was peace because your body, to keep you safe, you'd think to keep you safe, it would keep you away from the danger. But actually, when your body and your nervous system has become so used to living a certain way, when you go to quietness or calmness and peace, your body sees that as unfamiliar, your body sees that as danger because it doesn't

recognise it. So you then release the thing of, oh my God, I need to go back into this chaos, I need to go back into this relationship, or I need to go and have that drink because what I'm feeling now is unsettling me. It's not what my body's used to, and your body is just, your nervous system is all over the show. And that is, you know, and that is, you know, is why you feel like you end up needing to go back into that relationship. It's because your body is trying to keep you safe by going to what's familiar. Or chasing someone else that is similar. Yeah, exactly.

And the trauma bond part is just your body craving. Chemical reaction. It's the familiarity. And also, your body gets used to that. It's the highs and lows. And your body gets used to that. So to come away from that, you're going to be all over.

the show. I couldn't sit on my sofa, probably until not that long ago, that genuinely could not sit on my sofa. It took me a long time to be no more in my house, but actually to just sit and be like, oh, I can watch a TV program in peace because I was just so not used to it. And I think that we actually probably get that. I think a lot of our listeners can probably resonate with that even if they haven't experienced any sort of abuse. Abuse, even if you've been in a relationship that's not a toxic relationship. And then, you know, They come across a good guy and it's boring. Well, this is what I had.

I could talk about this. I've actually, like, I started dating someone and it's taken, like, we've been dating for quite a while. I've only just let him in my house because I feel like my walls have gone up. But he was so normal that actually I think I had picked up some quite toxic behaviors. Of, like, going from someone who I couldn't get in a car and not ring them. He monitored my length of, if I was driving, somewhere and he would weighs it and it would say 41 minutes and I took 45 I had to account

for those, why I've gone this way, did I see someone on the way? Did I stop and have sex with someone on the way? Did I, like crazy? So when you go from living in that to then being with someone normal who works, I'm chilled out, I'll speak to you at the end of the day. I would spend the day like, oh my God, what have I done wrong? What have I said? Why does he not want to talk to me? He doesn't care. He'd go out, have a good night, babe, I'll speak to you later. I'll speak to you tomorrow and I'd be like, why the fuck don't you care about me? Yeah. Did you find yourself doing stuff to try and get a reaction?

Self-sabitise. Yeah. Yeah. I wanted to make him jealous. Like I wanted to get a reaction. Like even now I'm like, he says things and I'm like, what? Like he was saying. I mean, we joke about it, but we've always said like we actually once had an episode

and we were talking about like what's your most toxic trait in a relationship. And mine always has been making my partner jealous because I. It's almost like validation of day care. I lacked it so much in my marriage that I then sort of mistakenly put jealousy with care. That's exactly. I said to my friends that when I came out of that relationship, and I've not always had like abusive relationships, but a lot of them have been controlling in some way, you know.

You can't wear this, you can't do that. I don't want you talking to this one. Like you can't talk to boy, like anything. And when you get used to that, obviously this was a lot worse, but it's all I'd ever known. and I actually said to my friend, if I met someone now and they didn't tell me what I can wear, who I can speak to, where I would think they don't care about me.

And actually it's played out in this relationship and it's been really, really hard to navigate because he's so, I couldn't have gone. But he's still there. He's still there and he's a good man. And it's been, and you know, like my friend said to me, actually, stop blaming your trauma because your trauma is part of you now

and this is who you are. stop, you know, like thinking that you're bad because you are, at the end of the day, what you've been through is part of you and you need to just learn to accept that. You are going to have these feelings and you are going to feel these things. And I do believe if someone cares enough, they will stick around and see, plus that, it's not easy. There is a lot of hard conversations. But I do think if someone cares enough and, you know, they will stick around. And I guess it's you also like taking that accountability where you can to.

I knew that it was me and I now am like the most chilled I have ever, don't get me wrong, there is moments where I'm like, hmm, I can go a bit mad here. But generally I feel like I am the calmest. It's actually taught me what a normal relationship is. And I've never had that. I've never had that. He's a little bit older as well, which helps. But I think it's, you know, there's always going to be things in relationships, you know.

There's boundaries. I'm not saying, like, but I think there's a different. between having a boundary and I think a little bit of jealousy every now and again. Like not odd like care is can, not jealousy, but it can be, there's just a borderline that you don't because I think it's nice to know. I think it's someone like voicing like this sort of makes me a bit uncomfortable rather than like you can't do that. And this is the thing like I've had friends in relationships that are like, you know,

their partner would say to them all, that looks a bit much and they'd be like, well, I'm wearing it and that's that, you know, they're not like, you're a fucking slag. Like you can't go out and you haven't got a dread, you know. And also, like you said, there's boundaries, you know. I do think you can have a boundary and then it's on you if someone doesn't respect that. Yeah. You know, you can say to someone as many times as you want, I don't like this. But it gets to the point that if they're not listening, you have to make that change and leave.

You can't keep blaming them because there is men that, you know, I know with social media work, that they might not like your life being all over, but that's my life and you might not. And that's not for you, you know. and that might be their boundary. It doesn't mean that what I'm doing is wrong. It just means that it's not right for someone. And with drinking and going out and there's plenty of people who do that. But if you don't like that, then don't stay in that relationship.

You obviously, you went to court. He got put in prison. How was that like when it all? That was, I mean, to be honest, the police were absolutely incredible. It's really nice to do. Which is something that doesn't. get said often. I was actually part of Harlow police station, Essex, and I actually know a couple of other people through talking about this journey that have had amazing experiences with them.

I cannot fault them. They, when I went to the police, I actually went to them like, oh my God, but I went back, you know, like, thinking they were just going to be like, well, what do you expect then? You know, you went back into the relationship, you asked for it. And they was like, Holly, this is the cycle of abuse. You know, women do this for 25 years. The fact that you've got away this quickly, count yourself lucky. They went through everything with me. I just went there to be honest, my mum and dad had asked me to go. I'd fought with them. My mum, like, mad, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to. In the end, I went because she said to me about Georgie and it just helping other women and I thought, right, I'll do it. I didn't think anything was ever going to come

of it. I'd be honest. I thought, I'll go there. They said to me, they want me to press charges. actually, I think the violence spread, but when they saw their level of control and over the messages and they're threatening to kill me because I'd had my knee out on a picture. And just there was so much and I think because they had so much,

which is rare in evidence, he was like, right, we can do him for this, this and this. And there was quite a few charges left, done my statement and then they said to me, we're going to, you know, put a warrant out for his arrest basically. They did that. It took them three weeks.

I was a nervous fucking wreck because he was still driving onto where I live. There was parcels going missing from my garden. I would see him driving on to where I live. Why didn't it take so long? Because I think what they've done is they tried to knock where he lived and he wasn't in. And what happens, as this is the only, like probably downfall bit, is they then go in like a cycle, I think. So they then try and find the next one.

And because they're so short staff, they don't have. loads of resources to just keep people out there. Yeah. So eventually they found him and I never forget that phone call of when they rung. But basically they had said to me, because if someone nicks something from a shop, they get arrested, they go in and the CPS can say whether it's a charge. When it's domestic abuse, they can't. It has to go to CPS.

So they said to me, we'll get him in. We'll do the interview with him. He denied everything, by the way, said that it, tip for tap, we was both as bad as each other, I denied everything. They said to me, what will happen is we'll let him go, he'll be released on bow, and then CPS, we have four weeks to get the full case together, and CPS then make a decision of whether it is a case. So when he got called in, I was then petrified because I thought,

oh my God, he's been called in, and now he's going to come out. And they phoned me, and they said to me, they actually changed the charges. So he had two counts of coercive control. One was for a year's worth of violence. One was for a year's worth of controlling behaviour. And then there was an ABH for him breaking my fingers. And there was an intentional strangulation. That's what they charged him with.

They basically, from when they arrested him and kept him in, they never released him. They got an emergency CPS charge that came back within eight hours. And they put him on remand and kept him in. inside and never released him. When I got that phone, when they, she actually texts me at three o'clock in the morning because they interviewed him overnight. They said he will be appearing in court tomorrow.

He more than likely will get released at court. But what happens is that there's stricter conditions in place with court. So you're more protected that if he tries to come near you. And then he went to court. I was actually in Birmingham at trauma therapy and I hadn't heard anything. Can I phone at about four o'clock and was like, is there any update? and literally as I was on the phone, well, first of all, they was like, no, there's no update.

And then while I was on the phone, he was like, oh, no, I can see it's just come through. He'll be reminded in custody until the court case. And that, just for me, I think that was a really upsetting time because I think I'd always believed I made him the monster. I'd taken him away from his children. Was it, I still believed that, you know,

and at this point, it wasn't, at this point, I hadn't spoke to his ex. It was only when the police contacted her because of the children. I just thought it was me. And actually when you know something is bad enough that they keep someone on Vermont. Yeah, that's not a you problem. You know, it then was like, fucking hell. Like, this is bad.

The date's changed so much. It's another thing if you're going through the court process. You have to be aware that the dates do change. Like I had my heart set on a date in July that he was going to get sentenced, planned a night out to stay. celebrate. It didn't happen like at 4pm the night before they cancelled it, pulled it. And it's so heartbreaking, disheartening, you know, that's the one part of the process. Unfortunately, if something comes in that's more important in their eyes.

Yeah. But we went to court in September. And one of my biggest bits of advice, another thing that I have on the website, I want to say to anyone listening is what made the biggest difference to my sentencing was doing your own victim statement because when the police said to me we're going to do a victim statement which is basically what they read out in the court to the judge to kind of how it's affected you they literally wrote had to shut down business because I was covered in bruises so I had to shut down I couldn't do the pictures anymore and has PTSD it was literally three sentences.

Like, that explains nothing of what I went through. I actually wrote a four-page letter to the judge explaining everything of it. And that, I think, was the difference in his sentencing. And actually the judge cried. Really? And he re-read the whole statement again. The judge was male. Yeah, the judge was male and he was incredible.

And he actually re-read the CPS. Everyone was in tears. And I think that's the thing they needed to understand. This isn't just shutting my business down. And this isn't just something that I'm going to get over. This will stay with me for life. Like I still now wake up with knots in that fear, like constant anxiety, you know, and I'm working through it and it does get better.

But that will never leave me. In all my relationships, in forever my life, that will stay with me. Why should he, why should it just be three sentences on a bit of paper? Yeah, that's wild. And it's mad. And even the controlling part of it is when I went in there, they give you a screen. so you can apply to have screens. I actually went in a different room for a lot of it

and watched it through video so he couldn't see me. But obviously when I read my victim statement, I stood up and read it in the courtroom. Let him see me. But he couldn't see him. I couldn't see him. Yeah, they had like a screen, which you can request. And when I went in there, he asked and requested that I don't have it after everything.

He said that he doesn't want me to have the screens. It was like he wanted to either put pressure on me to make me crumb. or it was like, I just want to one see her one last time. One question I want to ask, thinking it could be relevant to people listening, if they have experienced abuse, physical, mental, whatever it is, and that is in the past, and they've left that relationship, is there ever a point where it's too late to report it? No, no, not that I'm aware of.

I think it can be quite hard to prove things like coercive control and stuff. If you've got evidence, it's obviously going to help you. But it's never too late to report someone. It's never too late to report it. It's never too late. And actually, I think you absolutely should. It can be such a scary time. But actually, sometimes years do go past and you feel stronger.

Yeah. You know, if you're in a situation where you haven't got amazing family and friends around you, and you are quite isolated, the life and what I want to say don't ever feel guilty for not reporting it the fact that you are getting out of that relationship takes more strength and courage than you and you are literally using that energy to survive

I think you know would I like to see everyone report it because I'd like them all off the streets yes but I know how much it takes to just get out of the relationship so I don't want anyone to ever feel guilty that you're not protecting other women by not reporting it actually if you can

and you feel like you've got enough support around you to mentally handle it, of course, one million percent. But if you just need to survive right now, to get out, do it. And actually, maybe years down the line when you are in a better place, you might have the strength, you know, you might hear something that he's done it again or, you know, know, know, is it? And you might feel in a stronger place to then do it. And that is totally fine.

Yeah. Honestly, like, we want to thank you so much. It's so, I think it's going to help so many people, like, listening to someone, talks so openly about something that I just don't feel like he's spoken openly about. At the end of each of our episodes, we ask our guests for like an affirmation of the week, a quote or just a piece of advice that will help anyone. So sorry to put you on the spot. One of them, and I've mentioned it in here, is you can't heal in the environment that breaks you. And I truly believe that anyone going through it, who is, you can't heal.

feeling broken right now, who is feeling not worthy, you know, abuse or no abuse, in whatever capacity that is, you are worth so much more. And if anyone around you is breaking you down and making you feel anything less than worthy and loved, you need to break away from that because you will never heal in that environment. And I think that's really important. You can do so much work but you're never ever going to ever heal i think in in something that's keeping you down yeah no that's amazing thank you so much guys if you don't already follow holly please go and check out are you on to ticto or just instagram um ticot and instagram but i'm a little bit more so it's holly dowding x and then your house of house of her underscore underscore and then the website if you don't

let me say is house of her hub.com. And the app as well. Yeah, so basically you can, so it's a website and you can actually, when you go onto it, it directs you on how you can save it to your home screen. And it says wellness.

So it will come up as not any, like, any thing. Also at the top of it, you can click a button and if someone's coming, it takes you straight to Google. So it's completely protected. So if you need to get out of it, that it's all safety.

I've had to have so many safety. Yeah. But if you do need to escape and you've got something on your phone and it doesn't come up that it's a domestic abuse. Amazing. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Thanks guys. We hope you enjoyed it and we will see you again next week. Bye. Bye.