Not As We Planned - How Many Red Flags Did I Ignore?

Episode Date: May 6, 2026

We discuss your pettiest reasons you stopped seeing someone, we hear about the suspicions of someone who thinks her partner may be sleeping with her former best friend and ignoring TOO many red flags.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I thought I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned with your host, Tash and Carly. I don't know where that came from.

How are you? I'm good. How are you? Yeah, I'm all right. We're clearly funnel necking today. Do you know what? I love them, but I do feel a bit like, claustrophobic, like, don't move your head too much.

Yeah, they sometimes like, especially when I feel like a bit like, the straight jacket vibe. Yeah. And it's like, because I'm wearing white. And then sometimes when the zip doesn't always do what you want to do. You're like, I need to get out now. Hold on.

Wasn't I stuck in one the other day? You had to get me out. Was that a dream? No, I think I had that one and it was stuck. I swapped it. I changed it. I did you? Yeah.

So it was an issue with the zip. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And but also, obviously, because I'm wearing white, I'm like, don't move and get the makeup on. I can see makeup. I know, I'm really upset. The hairspray hack didn't work. No. If anyone's got a good hack, yeah. Yes, no. Or is there a particular hairspray that stops the makeup transfer into the outfit?

The L-Net one doesn't really stop. And I've, I used the got-to-be glue thinking like it's really like good. It didn't work, guys, it didn't work. So are you going to give us a little catch-up of your life? Do you know, I'm feeling a lot more positive this week. So I feel like we've, obviously. obviously had the school holidays, kids were back this week, and like, I haven't really had a routine since my dad passed away. Like, he passed away. And I had two weeks of that. Then it was two weeks of school holidays, which has been so out of routine. I think I was like craving

some kind of normality. And I've got back and I've like given myself this new routine with like my exercise and waking up in the mornings. And I feel so much better. I feel like it's like taking, for me, it's that the, I know it's really, it's not silly, but I think we see. We see. We see. sometimes I underestimate how good exercise can make us feel. Like those endorphins, I've really felt them this week. And that's why I've been getting up and moving my body first thing in the morning because I feel like that's just making me feel better through the rest of the day. So that's been really positive.

Yeah, obviously we had the school holiday. So when we last filmed, it was my week without the kids. Then I got my kids back. And I've actually had them for two weeks straight without a single break. So they go tomorrow. I feel like it's being, I mean, I can't. talk for you but I feel like it's been okay. I could do this all the time.

Really? Yeah. Which is weird because I thought I'd be like pulling my hair out by this point. But we've had a really nice time. I took the boys to the Cotswolds for a couple of days. Which was really nice. It was like quite a last minute thing. I booked the hotel that I stayed in on New Year's Eve.

We did like the Cotswold Safari Park. We did the crocodile world. We did some really, really nice things. And it was just so nice to just have that proper. quality time, you know, not with phones, not with anything. We were just so just with each other. And it was just, I hate the word, wholesome, but it really was wholesome.

We did the Disney Pixar. It looked really good. Mundo thing. It was actually, yeah, it was really good. The kids loved it. I'd seen mixed reviews. So I was a bit like, yeah, so I'd seen like, for the money, blah, blah, blah.

I guess it depends on your kids. So mine are six and four, and they're really into Disney. films and Theo was like running around. He's like, Mommy, take a picture of me here. Take a picture of me here. So for him, he absolutely loved it. So I guess it just depends on your kids.

Milo loved it too, to be honest. So then Tash and I also went to the zoo on the Sunday. And yeah, it was really cute. It was really cute. Like the kids love each other. Love each other. I feel like it's so nice when your kids actually naturally just gel rather than you hoping that it wasn't.

Yeah, it wasn't forced at all. It was so cute. Like, Ivy was like, I want to sit next to Milo on the train. Yeah, Blake wanted to sit next to Theo. And it was just really, really cute to know. Like, it's just annoying because mine Natasha's weekend, our kid three weekends are opposite. How easy with our life?

I know, literally. But I feel like I then wouldn't single parent. I just co-parent with you. And then there was a point. Natasha was like walking around. She goes, I feel like, I'm the mom and you're the dad. Because Tash is there. Like, so she took a program for Rome because of his arm.

And then. And then I'm off like chasing the kids. Carly's like picking them up, running around. And I'm like, stop running, Rome. Like you've broken your arm. And I'm just thinking, God, Collie's like really encouraging them to be silly. And I'm like, why do I feel like I'm with a man?

I am. And I think that's why, like, whenever I go out. She was the fun dad. And I was just sort of in the background with my sunglasses on that playing with my hair. Looking pretty. Yeah, I've got like one kid over my shoulder. She's like, I'm sweating. I was like, that's because you've been running.

I'm absolutely freezing. You're like, oh, yeah. I understand my kids are always like, whenever I go anywhere, I always like end up gaining more children and like maybe I just need to take a chill. I can't help it. I get excited.

So that was really nice. Yeah, well, my catch up is obviously like my son decided to break his arm. So that was really, do you know what? It was definitely an interesting experience. I think that there's one thing your child obviously hurt themselves and then you having to go through the process of helping them and making sure they're okay and having that panic and worry and going to hospital

but I think even in times where look my co-parenting relationship at the moment I think is really good we have had our ups and downs I do feel like it seems to be better when I'm single I don't really know why that is but he just really, really disappointed me. I'm not going to like sit here and start slating him but I just feel like when your child has broken a bone having to go to hospital,

I had to sit there and make some really like big decisions as to whether I was going to choose to have his arm manipulated while he was awake or have him under general anaesthetic. Don't get me wrong. on the phone to him and he gave me his opinion, which was to go under general, I just don't understand how you can want that and not want to be there. Yeah. So it's definitely, I think, just a wake up call of realizing in situations like that, you still are very much on your own, which is fine, pulled through. He was amazing. Like, that kid is made of something else. Like,

he was literally, like, sitting on my lap with this arm that could, what I could only describe is looking like a fucking quaver. And he was just chasting away, saying how he looked like a T-Rex and that it looked a bit like a slide. And I was just like, you've just had cowpile. Like, can I have some? What is this magic cowpile that you have had? But he's good.

He's all got his cast on now. We've got one more checkup next week just to be sure that he doesn't do surgery. So fingers crossed. But I mean, yeah, I took the buggy with to the zoo because it was a day after he broke his arm thinking like, he's going to be exhausted. his poor little body's going to be using so much energy to cope with the pain and fixing his bones. I mean, he was fucking feral running around like an absolute lunatic.

The buggy was purely used for everyone's bags. And it was really annoying in pushing it. I don't know. I think my watch, by the way, doesn't track my steps when I'm pushing a buggy. No. Well, is your pram, was your buggy? Was your phone in the pram? No, my watch.

It should. It's only when it's in the pram. Because when I got home, I thought I must have done so many. I did like 3,000. I was like, that can't be right. No, I wasn't wearing my watch then. Oh. Also, something really funny.

Carly sent me a screenshot today of someone, you know, when you're on Instagram and it comes up with, like, suggested people, like suggested friends, we don't know whether, well, we didn't know whether they come up because maybe they've searched you or not. She sent me a screenshot and I was like, that is the most... Like, he's not in my contact. He's not in your contacts.

You have no mutuals. No. And then someone else came up whose number is no longer in my phone. I deleted his number. Basically, one of the people that came up on hers is connected to me. And we were like, nah, that's weird. So obviously on my way here, I'm talking to chat GPT, being like, could I just ask, I'll suggestive friends on Instagram,

anything to do with the fact that they've been searching for you? And they've said that there's no direct link. I want to know. There's no proof. So what is it? That is not random. Because they said that usually it is based on mutuals or contacts or same circle. And that person that you sent me a screenshot of is none of those,

which I just find really weird. Chat said there's no evidence. Does. I'm just asking Google. Maybe Google's better in this case. Was it? It says yes, suggestive friends on Instagram means something. Acting as a calculated list based on an AI analysis of your connections, activity and shared interests. Here is what the suggestions usually mean.

One mutual connections. You share mutual followers. We don't. Yeah. Contacts Facebook sync. No. Profile visits. The person may have visited your profile or you have visited them.

I'm categorically say I haven't visited. Firstly, also the other person told me he didn't have social media. It looks like he's just created social media. He's got like 30 friends. Shared interests. I don't think we've got shared interests. And proximity or knee. Shared interest.

Proximity or knee. So key details. It's not a guarantee of spying. Whilst profile visits are a factor, a suggestion does not strictly mean they look at your profile. is more often based on shared connections. But I think the fact there are no shared connections does... Interesting.

Maybe it means something. So keep watching, honey. Grab that bobcon. Keep following. Okay. So on my stories last night, I posted box and guys, I tried not to look at them because I wanted to be like blind today, but I saw some.

And I have my collagen face mask on last night. I'm not allowed to laugh at those on. And then I was laughing and I was like, I'm going to have to come off this because all things. That's moving. You can't laugh with those Collagen Masters. Yeah, we learned that. The hard way.

So I was cracking up, but they're really good. So what is the pettiest reason you stopped seeing someone? I'm laughing already. I've got loads. Okay. He had webbed toes. Oh. Yeah, I don't think I could deal with that, you know.

It depends on everything else about him, but that would be quite off-putting. if you're not yet in love. He turned up to a date in really shiny shoes that gave me the ick. He called me a delicious woman when we were having sex. You delicious woman.

That is disgusting. Not a fucking piece of meat. Oh, Tash, this one. Oh, no. His legs were skinnier than mine. I didn't realize that first until he wore shorts. Oh, no.

See, But they? Yeah. His Velcro wallet. Oh. Sorry. No, is that noise? What are you like, fine?

Yeah. That is like my kid troll. Par patrol. Maybe it was Paul Patrol. Oh, my God, I'm dead. Crossed his legs on the train. I couldn't get over it. What do you think like that?

Yeah. My ex-boyfriend used to sit like that Not my ex-ex Oh, that's just been too mad And I've got to say X twice, isn't it? Sound like Henry the 8th Lied about his height on his profile I mean

Been there Why do they do this This actually happened to me the other day as well So I went on a date with someone the other day Who told me he was six foot And he was taller than me But I got there and I was like We can both see you're not six foot

Why have you lied? I don't understand It's really annoying I might just for ban to and I make my profile say I'm six foot. Okay, they had a shower curtain. Oh my God, that feeling when you go somewhere that's got a shower curtain, that actually makes me feel a bit unwell.

Have you ever had a shower curtain get stuck to you while you're wet? That's what I'm saying. That feeling makes me panic. And then you just think about all the germs on it. No. Starragastin should be illegal. It's the way that she obviously had dated him enough to see his shower person And then she broke up with him because of it

No Ballad It's been 20 years but I'm now struggling with the way my current partner holds his knife and fork help Oh my God I eat the wrong way I eat left handed Yeah I think I'm a bit of both So I eat with my fork in my right hand

And I'm picked up a lot on that in dates actually I can't use a fork with the left hand that you're into. If I don't have a knife, I use it with my right hand. Hold on what? Yeah, because I cut with my right. Yeah.

What do you do? The other way. You hold the fork in your right. But I would do that if I didn't have a knife. No, I do that with both. I can't physically... Are you having to be stressed? No, but if I...

But I've always been like that. At school, I remember, like, having an argument with a teacher at lunchtime when I was in primary school, shit. You need to do this. I can't cut up my fish fingers, like, couldn't do it. So, yeah, maybe I give someone the nick with the way I, I've been picked up on that on a few dates, actually.

Probably, yeah. He was stingy, such a turn-off when you're afraid to go out as you end up paying for most of the night. That is such a turn-off. Yeah, that really is. When it's just, like, awkward. He didn't offer me a drink after sex. I'm parched. Yeah, like, you need a drink after sex.

Everyone is a drink. Otherwise, they haven't done the job right now. They worked on a scrapyard. He was scrapped. Do you know what? I went on a couple of dates with a mechanic and I always noticed his fingernails were always dirty.

And I thought the first time I was like maybe you just like didn't get time and then there was still the second time. I just thought, no. Yeah, no, that's so great. I'm sorry. Blake had that the other day. Myla had that this morning.

Yeah, no, last night I was trying to take a cute picture. of me stroking his hand. I was like, Milo, I need to get rid of the dirty nails. He looked feral. He had a small penis. Needs must. He threw a spider at me.

I'm terrified of spiders and he knew. Who the fuck would do that? That is weird. Take that. Called me, hon. What are your do's and don'ts of what you're called? I like being called babe. Yeah, same.

Yeah, don't love her. Oh, someone called me dear. And I was like, please that. And I call, if someone says something to me, like a phrase like that, I get that people with different like cultures or upbringing. Like it is, I just said to them, please never call me that again. I hate it. Yeah, dear's weird.

I don't think I've ever been called that. If a man called me mate, he would see the door. Oh, God, no, that's icky. That's just so gross. If you want to be mates, we can be mates. Yeah, but don't call me mate even if you are my mate. I'm not a man. I don't like being called me.

No. I don't love I don't like ham I like babe I think when you're all like together I like baby it does something to me yeah but that's not

yeah that's like serious relationship vibes what your thoughts are like whore I was going to be like that bitch quite like that I bet your bitch

all right you slag took me to Nando's in a day and didn't get my drink or cutlero oh that is so bad that is that is really bad. Have you heard any? I've got what, do you remember what I voice-nosed you the other week after my date? Yeah, what was the reason again? Everything went really well, but I didn't like his voice.

Oh yeah, but I, it's funny. So when Carly and I were away, he voice-noted you and I showed you away. No, because I said to him, I don't, I haven't heard your voice yet. What if you have really squeaky, like, icky voice? I said it as a joke. And when he sent the voice note, You said, oh, he doesn't sound too bad. And I was like, he sounds weird. You would like, do you think I planted that seed for you? No, because then on our date, it was like fine most time. But then there were certain things he said and I was like, oh.

And then I couldn't get it. Then there was certain things. And I was like, and I, voice nice to touch afterwards. I was like, the date was really good. But there was just like, I just couldn't shake it like. Yeah, yeah. I mean, there was more after that. Yeah, yeah.

I haven't really had enough dates to experience anything. Let me think I must have had some more. There was one guy that I went on a few dates with, realized that he just was not for me. He actually gave me the biggest ick. But then we went on a night out, me, my friend, and him and a load of his friends. And then his friend sort of like hit on me.

we were talking, he gave me his number, and then they had a fight. But yeah, like, and I'm talking this was only two years ago. So, like, we're adults here. Love that. And me and my friend were- Oh, I bet you were thriving off that. You love him at that. I know.

I was pissing myself. I was like, sorry, am I in a scene from Eastenders? Like, we were in a, like, this sort of bar, pubby place. It was, I think it was Easterbank holiday. And he just went to his mate. And I was like, this is about me. But I was just thinking Like this is the ickyest thing ever

And then yeah I got with his friend Okay so I've got one That he asked me for a lift home From his date From our day Oh yeah And he had to get in my car

With all my All your scutors Yeah Also your car is a mess It's not at the moment Is it not? No It's clean

Sorry FU He wore contact lenses And I have an eye phobia What? He couldn't weigh a Pepper at the supermarket, he still lived at home and had never done a weekly shop. What?

They had a list. It just gave me the ick. Oh no, both my boys have lists. They might grow out of it. I just think it's really cute, but maybe it's not so cute on a 14-year-old. Like, he's like, hi, Natasha. Hi, Tash. I take you out.

The way he's great. I do think a voice of someone is actually like a really bold thing, you know. Yeah, so do I. It can change it. It can. Because there are some men that look really attractive until they speak. Oh my God, literally agree. Because that's also accents as well.

Not necessarily in accents, but how they pronounce their words. Like, you know, how they talk. I don't need some like posh Chelsea guy. But if you're, you know. All right, babe. No, so if you're sort of talking a bit like this and you're like, yeah, geez, you're right, yeah? Yeah, we'll take you out and say, go down a pub.

to... It's a bit marked. No, I don't mind like a bit of essay. I mean, I have to... Is that what I just did, SET? No, I'd say that's more like Cockney. That's different.

Yeah. It's not really a vibe for me. So I was... Sorry to all the Cockney men listening right now. We know there's a big audience of you. Not mine, but a friend said she cut it off as he had clippy cloppy chubby.

What a clippy chuppie? Like when they make loads of noise and they're walking and it sounds like a woman, I get that. I know. Or, you know, when you're walking it makes a... Oh, the squeakyness? Yeah. He couldn't read the subtitles of the film we were watching

and he also chose the film. He had sleep apnea. Oh my God. Sox and sliders. I like socks and sliders. I think it's a bit of vibe to me. Yeah, but like short, like, like, tracky short, socks and sliders.

If you're fit, then you can pull it off. Yeah. He walked on his tippy toes. Oh, Darren. No, because that's actually something that people with autism do. Oh. Yeah. Or maybe it's just, you can't help it.

Blake sometimes walks a bit on his tippy, too. Yeah, I understand that it's a bit like, just stay down. Stay down, boy. They were six inches smaller than me. I'm five foot 11. He was five foot five. That is a big difference. I feel like what you should make, you should.

I feel like there are some really powerful couples where the woman like towers over the man. You know that, you know that. I follow her. Oh, what's her name? And they own it And I love that I love her competition Yeah

I just I don't know For me I just couldn't They had a monobrow Just wax it Some people won't let you touch her eyebrows I tried to It's all about growth And making changes

If you don't want to want Your eyebrows You were not the one I was embarrassed by his clothes Even though he was so good looking It dress sense is a lot I do you think you can change it on a man Yeah

Sometimes they just need a bit of help Yeah, a bit guidance. I would just prefer not to have to help someone. I don't mind helping someone with their wardrobe. I just can't be bothered to help you with your personality. He told me he spent the night before our date hiding his place and when I got there. It was disgusting. Oh.

That's grim. His parents did his washing and cook for him every night and he called the mummy and daddy. No. No. Mommy. Yeah, no, it's a knife from me. I thought you're my six-year-old son. He didn't like going down.

on me. I don't know many men. I actually do. I actually do. Not ones I've been with, but I do know. I think it's weird. It is weird. I wouldn't be able to be with someone. Also, your needs aren't being met. No, but I know some girls aren't that up, aren't that keen on it. Well, then that would work for them.

Yeah, but I find it, I'd find it really hard. It's not for me. Anyway, I got sweated on during sex, not just a drip, like a whole bucket full. This reminds, yes, I was in the gym. and I was on the treadmill. And the man next to me... What, are you having sex? I wish.

Well, actually not in the gym. The man next to me was literally, it was like pouring and he stunk and I was regretting my choice in treadmill. And when I say like, it literally looked like someone had poured like a little bottle all over the treadmill. Now I'm imagining this in sex.

It's an oafing. No, see, I don't mind a bit of sweaty sex. I don't mind a bit sweat, but there's a difference. What, pouring? No, it means his bloody unfit. You're sweating that hard. You work hard. You ride that.

I'm here for it. Sliding about all over the place. Is my partner fucking my former best friend? Wow. Quite an opener. Hi girls. Irish listener here. Top of the morning to you.

I can't attempt that accent. Is that right? Top of the morning to you? Yeah, I can't. Irish. We'll leave the accents to you. Yeah, I'm so good. I've been listening to your podcast since I've seen one of your clips on TikTok.

and it always really stuck with me when no contact is just reality. That was when I left my kid's father and I never thought I'd live to see another day. Well, surprise, surprise, here I am again fighting a losing battle. Anyway, I really need someone to read this aloud. We got, yeah.

I've included names, doesn't really matter because these types of people won't be listened to a wholesome podcast like this or they wouldn't be the characters they are. Valid. Please help. I met my partner through Instagram. It started casually.

Would you ever date someone who's listening to your DMs? Yeah. Would you? Yeah. I think I'm slightly put off. Because back in November, I was talking to someone from, through Instagram, and like it was going quite well.

And then he ghosted me. And I don't know. There's just part of me that I'm like, if you're sliding in my DMs, how many other people's DMs, you sliding in? That I do understand, but I think when you've got a platform where you're talking about relationships and doing this and doing that, I don't blame someone for sliding into my DMs.

I would. Do you know what I mean? I feel like I don't turn. Like, he could have just been a bit of a dick. I feel like you're going to eventually like... It's a shame you was quite fair. Yeah, but you're going to qualify the person that you're dating. If it's like, I, in a way, would almost prefer it to have been naturally done that way rather than a dating.

maybe not rather than a dating app but I mean it makes the job easier doesn't it? Not having to look for them and they just find you. Yeah. I think you just need to be wearing. I have to be honest, I ignore my DMs like maybe I should be taking them more seriously.

So yeah, if you're lovely a seat. No, I'm joking. Anyway, the inbox is open, guys. Well, he's not appearing anytime soon. Do you how many men have blocked in the last week? Not joking. I had a man recently. We were talking, things seemed good.

And then I was telling him about, he was saying how he really liked traveling and stuff. And I was like, me too. Like, ever since I became a single mom, like I'm really determined to give my kids this life. And then he basically went in at me. Oh, yeah. And he was like...

So about money. Yeah, all about money saying, I know, that was it. He's like, I'm ambitious, but not really in terms of money. And I said, well, I feel like when you have kids, like, you are really driven to like, you have to work hard. You have to earn more money.

because you're essentially doing something that was made for two people. And I still have a certain lifestyle. I want my kids to have. And he was like, life's not all about money. There's kids dying. They're not eating. And I was not, sorry, but then he was like, and I was like, I'm okay.

And I was like, but I still, like, I'm determined to not let my situation stop me from giving my kids a life there. And he goes, why are you going on? I'm like, you're a superwoman. And I went, sorry. And I actually blocked him But I just thought Trust Carly said

Not having an argument with someone That she matched with him on a dating I blocked him And I just thought I put it on my Instagram Everyone said exactly the same It's clearly an insecurity of his And so many men I feel

Are really threatened by a successful woman By a woman who doesn't need them Or by a woman who's providing their kids With a life that's better than their one That's done And I'm sorry No one will ever make me feel Like I shouldn't be working my ass off

to give my kids the best possible life. Like, if anything, I feel like when you become a single parent, it makes you more driven to work harder because I'm like, I'm not letting a set of circumstances that weren't my choice to dictate and change how I wanted my kids' lives to look.

Absolutely not. And if you are intimidated by that, I'm talking to you because you're probably stalking me because you're weird. Then that's a you thing. And it is not a me thing. and I would work on my own insecurities. So I will never be made to feel like I'm not superwoman.

Because you know what? And I was thinking this. Some people would look at me and say, that woman is fucking superwoman. Because if I could even say half the stuff, sorry, half the stuff I have been through in my life and I sit here now with the positive head that I normally do have on

and the life my kids are living and the shit I'm still putting up with daily, some of you would classify me as superwoman. So I'm going to go and get my cape and I'm going to fly and be more super. Don't fly because that's what Roan tried to do and he broke his arm. Milo was on the phone to his dad

and he called them the other day and he's like, Milo just like took his arm he thought he was a bird and he tried to fly and I'm like he doesn't know who he is but like he's been telling everyone about Rome. It's really cute. But yeah, anyway, do you know what? I hate it when men try and make you feel less than.

I really do. Let's get dull or sparkle for these significant people. And do you know what? So many of you listening are superwomen And I hope you know that. And I hope you wear that title with pride. Because the things we've been through, when we pick ourselves back up from the floor after being knocked down,

treated like shit, and we're still working hard. We're grafting. We're going out. We're working. We're giving our kids a life. They've got food on the table, a roof over their head,

clothes on their body, and they're going to spot. This is a really good email. Sorry. We are super women and no one is going to take that away from me. I'm going to get back to reading. Sorry, I needed to get that off my chair. I could tell.

Anyway. I met my partner through her Instagram. She's probably like eagerly wasted her emails to be read. She's like, can this girl shock the fuck up? I feel like my energy is a lot different today than my husband, which is nice. It's nice. I feel more like me. I'm here for it.

It started casually, but because I had two children and he lived 40 minutes away, we quickly fell into seeing each other every other weekend. Even from the beginning, I knew something felt off. He was constantly texting other girls. His Instagram following looked like he owned a nail salon. That is one of the biggest turn-off. No, the biggest red flag. When I match with the guy and then we end up adding each other on Instagram,

I always check their following. Just to see, I think you can tell a lot by a man's following. Or who they follow him. It bothered me, but I ignored it because I liked him and I hoped it was just immaturity. He was always cocky, always talking about how much money he had, how successful he was, how highly he thought of himself. But the reality never matched the image.

In the three years, I've known him, he has never held a stable job outside of driving Amazon delivery vans. He's only ever taken me on one date. In three years. That's disgusting. What? If we go out, I pay. Nah.

Get rid of him. And I put it down to either me having the two kids or it was my idea to go out. Meanwhile, I'm a full-time nurse, a mother of two with my own house and a life I built before him. You don't need him. Looking back, I should have left them. I introduced him to CrossFit. I introduced him to fitness. I introduced him to a whole lifestyle he had never really been parted before.

I booked us a trip to Malaga for high rocks and whilst we were there I introduced him to a girl called Holly, someone I knew through CrossFit and had trained with before. A group of us I knew met up and we all went out together one night in Malaga, Holly included. After that night his entire energy changed. He became cold and distant for the rest of the holiday. That coldness followed us high. I didn't know why until later when Holly herself eventually texted me and told me everything. Whilst with me, he had carried on seeing her behind my back for a whole year.

Wow. He stayed at her house and came back to me the next day. He took her on multiple dates. He pursued another woman I had personally introduced to him. And that was the first major betrayal. He'd already moved into my house by the time I found out. I ended things and he went straight back to her. Yet somehow despite everything,

we always found our way back together with him back under my roof in the house I mostly pay for. Then there is my former best friend, Emma. Emma and I were inseparable. She was my best friend. We did everything together. And because of that, he naturally became part of the friendship group. I took him on the same trips Emma and I used to do with our children,

camping weekends, caravan weekends, family trips. I folded him into my life completely. At the time, I also worked a PR job in nightclubs. I would put both of them on the guest list and they'd come out whilst I worked. After the events, we would usually all go back to the accommodation my company had arranged for the night. And one night during one of those days, something happened that has never left me. Emma and Mark left the club early together, just the two of them. I followed later after finishing work

and when I got back her bed was unmade as if someone had been in it there were dirty marks on the bed I can only describe as looking like fecial marks I brushed it off at the time I thought she was in hers off the stains I told myself maybe she's just laid down because she was tired

I'm so confused by this poo in the bed sorry And the little ones said roll over. There's poo in the bed. They were both still awake and drinking when I arrived. That night the three of us slept in the clean double bed together. This is weird. I was in the middle.

At some point during the night I woke up and heard him reaching over me. I heard movement. I heard the noises he was making and I realised he was touching her breasts over me whilst I lay there. No. I'm sorry. I'm just picturing lying down and this man in the middle is over me, groping a boob on the other side. I'm sorry.

I'm so confused. I'm not trying to be disturbed, but I'm a little bit of shock. I remember feeling frozen. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I just lay there paralyzed, pretending to be asleep. I don't know. I think I would woken up.

I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Can you let go of her nipples? I personally wouldn't ever be sleeping in the middle of it. I can't say I would either. Oh my God. The next morning I confronted it. They brushed it off as him being drunk and touching the wrong person. Babe, if you're leaning over someone.

Sorry, I grabbed the wrong thing. There were four in the bed and you know who's is who's. It's very dark. Like, what? But I know what I heard and I know what I felt. Yeah, they start. like gaslighting you and then you start questioning yourself like oh maybe it was just the wrong boob maybe it wasn't and now after recently discovering they are still in contact multiple

messages despite emma abruptly ending our friendship one day and disappearing from my life red flag i'm i'm left questioning everything all over again we had never had the slightest mishap before and then out of the blue she made up some fabricated lies and we couldn't be friends anymore. Was there more between them? Did they betray me behind my back? Was I made a fall of in front of the two people I trusted the most? Despite all of this, despite the cheating, the emotional distance, the dishonesty, the secrecy, he still somehow manages to make me feel like I am the problem. I won't lie after the cheating. I did take up somewhat of a party lifestyle and with my PR job it included being around males naturally. I was accused of cheating. He'd checked my clothing

and say any slight mark on my underwear was caused by a man. It's like I ask for too much. Like wanting reassurance, effort, loyalty, dates, emotional support and the public acknowledgement is unreasonable. He is very active on social media and yet I have never, ever featured there on it.

He doesn't have many friends and neither do I anymore. Emma was my best friend. I've spent three years begging to be chosen by a man who has repeatedly humiliated me, betrayed me and still treats me as if I should be grateful he stays. I'm a nurse, I'm a mother, I own my home, I built my life before him. Yet somehow this relationship has made me feel smaller, more anxious and more insecure than I have ever felt in my life. I feel alone and it's like he's the only one I have left. I don't know if this is trauma bonding, emotional abuse, gaslighting,

or just me refusing to accept reality. All I know is that writing it all down in black and white It makes me realize how much I have normalized it. And I don't know why I still love someone who has hurt me this much. Thanks for listening. I'm between a rock and a hard place. I'm not 100% sure if you're still with this guy or not. I think she is. Like, I really hope you just hearing that gives you that wake-up call you need

because it's really interesting that you just said you feel like, you said something about the two people you trust the most, right? How can you trust this man? Like he cheated on you for a whole year And you're talking about him like he's this amazing person I'd really love to know if you wrote a list About all the things that this man brings to you Positive things what that list would look like

Doesn't take you on a date in I'm just confused what he's bringing to you Other than anxiety and disrespect Like he Let's park her aside a minute Because she sounds like a complete and utter cunt But he is just it's really upsetting when we hear stories

where women who have so much to give themselves are accepting scraps from men that he hasn't really given anything to you in three years. You are literally begging for what his class is bare minimum and he can't even do that. Like he's not able to give you reassurance and take you on dates and make you feel special.

What do you love? about this man because I'm really confused. I think you just love the idea of him. You probably love the fact that, oh, you know, it's been three years and we've lived together. There's nothing positive that you have said about this man that I could pick out of that email. Your friend, on the other hand,

I think it's sometimes harder to actually let go of a friendship, I think, than a man. You don't expect it from your best friend, but it sounds like she's completely utterly betrayed you as well, so I'd wipe your hands with her. wipe your hands with both of them. They sound like just a completely lost a waste of your time. You have so much going for you.

And like you said, it's making you feel small and, like, not good about yourself. I think it sounds like you're more scared of being on your own. Because actually when you, like, strip it back, this man isn't actually bringing you happiness at all. You can't trust him. He's only ever taking him one date, but meanwhile, he's quite happy to take other girls on date. So put everything aside, like that's a, not in a rude way, but like, if he can do that for other people, you deserve someone who can do that. Everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to take the mountain dates. He's not caring.

He's a liar. Like, I mean, the fact you were laying there in a bed and he's like groping another woman is absolutely disrespectful. Imagine what he's doing in a bed when you're not in the middle. Yeah, like literally. I just think, I always think like, and I really do hope that reading that out loud, you hear that. think, God, if that was someone else writing in and I was listening to that, I'd be like, get rid of that waste of space. I really hope it gives you that light bulb moment where you're like, what the hell am I doing?

Is this how you want to spend like another 10 years with the man who's, like, how many more other women are we going to wait for him to go through, for him to disrespect you again, for him to lie and manipulate you and gaslight you? Like, he is gaslighting you. He is lying. He didn't grab her boobs by mistake. That's a complete lie. It's all bullshit.

He's not respecting you. you've got two kids who aren't his, you've got a house that's all yours, you work a very respectful job. Your life is going to be okay. You've got everything on your own and to me it sounds like you're doing it all on your own. You don't need someone else bringing you down.

For me, the only reason you should be in a relationship with someone if they're adding to your life. And I don't mean adding stress, I mean adding happiness. So I really do hope you listen to this and you do make the decision to leave this relationship. And look, it's never, easy to leave a relationship. I do think maybe there is a slight trauma bond or, you know,

I think when someone emotionally manipulates you for such a long time and you get in the habit of justifying their behaviour and excusing their behaviour, I think, no, no, no, he does love me and believing it. It is really difficult to cut those ties and to make the decision to leave, but I do think you will look back and be really grateful you have that strength to do that. Yeah, I agree. How many red flags did I ignore? God, how many did I ignore? How many did I ignore? Hello girls, can I firstly say I love your podcast and thank you for doing God's work. Amen. That's cute, isn't it? Never been related to God before.

Me and my partner have been together just over a year. I have one child and he has two. We are in our early 30s, so for me I'm looking for the full package husband and a blended family unit. I assumed, and I know you should never assume, but as he had two kids, he would want the same as me. Here is where I ignored the red flags. He goes on family holidays without even consideration. me and my child. He doesn't ever want us all to stay together. So he stays with me when he doesn't have his kids and then disappears when he does have them. He has no boundaries in place when it comes to the mother of his children. She just calls him and messages him all the time with no relevance to him having the kids. He is terrible at communication with me, but can do it very well with her. So he can

do it, but he chooses not to. I've asked him for more and he said that he cannot give me more than he's already doing. He's not willing to put boundaries in place as it's none of my business. and not my concern, so why do I care so much as I'm not the one dealing with her? Literally does not consider my feelings at all. I already know you are going to tell me I'm wasting my time, but I actually think I need to hear it out loud, as right now I'm being delusional and keep telling myself this blended family that I want so badly will come and I just need to be patient.

Your blended family can come, but it doesn't mean that has to be with him. I think, don't get me wrong. If you've been with someone for a year, it's okay if someone, someone respectfully and communicates that they don't want your families to be blended yet or go on holidays together. Because a year is still, I think, quite early down the line. I haven't met my ex-boyfriend kids at that. It's still quite early down the line for something as big as that and taking into consideration, like, how the children would feel and what their personalities are like and what ages they are. But I think it's more the fact that if you're saying that he's really bad with communication, he's like not very good with boundaries and he doesn't sort of take your feelings into account, they've been my concern.

more. I think we, we too often, we are so fixated on what we want the end goal to look like and have this picture in our head of what the perfect family or blended family is meant to be that we push aside all the red flags, just really hoping like it's fine, it's going to get better. I just need to be patient. They're going to change. It would be good. That's where we end up becoming the single mom, you know, having the separation, getting our hearts broken, because we're putting all our faith and attention into the wrong people. You've noticed the red flags, draw a line and walk away. You can find someone and have a perfect blended family, but it doesn't just have to be the first person that you find that you think ticks a few boxes.

If he is a red flag, don't involve him with your children. I'm sure you're going to say the same. Well, actually, I am. Yeah. It sounded like, you know, you've already spoken to him about this. I'm going to say, like, the first thing to do is to always, like, have an open communication about how you're feeling. But it sounds like you're doing that, and then it's not changing. So, look, you can't change people, and we shouldn't have to change people. If they're not willing to work on something that we've vocalized,

isn't working for us, or it's making us feel a certain kind of way. But you know what? With all due respect, he's at, you've actually asked him for something, and he's categorically said to you, no, I can't give you anymore. believe him. Don't wait there thinking that you're going to be the one that's going to change his mind. He's actually being honest with you. So although you're telling me that he's not good at communicating,

I think he's communicated that quite well. You're choosing to ignore it. He just can't give you what you need. But you're ignoring it. That's also okay. Exactly. So actually, if this goes badly, you would need to take some accountability for that

because you've chosen to ignore what he's being honest about. Believe when he says that he can't give you any more and walk away. Or accept what he. he's given you right now, which isn't very much. I'm currently in a long-term relationship and I am very happy, but I do have moments of weakness where I feel the need to do a little Instagram search on my ex-boyfriend. I can see that he's still with his girlfriend at the moment and I am happy for him.

I don't want him back. But is there something wrong with me and my relationship if I keep looking at my ex-boyfriend, help? Yeah. I can't remember the last time I looked up an ex-boyfriend. If you keep looking, I think, look, the odd stalk here are there, we'll do it. But I think if you're continuously looking at someone. Yeah, like, do you, I think it's quite normal for girls to have a cheeky stalk here and there. Because sometimes, sometimes I may look at people that, like, I haven't, like, like, I haven't even date it.

You know, when you're like, do you know, but I think that if you're in a happy relationship and you keep looking at an ex, Yeah, there's something there. I don't know if that means something about how you feel about your ex or how you feel about your current or both. I just, yeah. I think I'm like quite the opposite because I've blocked everyone. Yeah, lull. Yeah, I guess that's not the best sign.

Maybe you should just try and stop. Maybe give yourself like a 30-day detox. Yeah. Yeah, 30-day. Do you know what's really funny? I don't even know what made me think of this. So yesterday my sister sent me a screen recording. of a guy that she saw on Hinge,

and it was a guy that, like, we knew when we were younger, we grew up with him. You know, there's always that, like, older guy that everyone fancies and that, oh, my God, he's so fit. Yeah. When I was younger, I actually got with him.

I remember he once picked me up from my house because he drove and I didn't, yeah. Everyone was like, oh, my God, like, he's so fit. He was the biggest player. I need to show his Hinge profile. He is... Disgusting. He is, like, it's just wild how when you're younger,

you think these guys are so, so, so fit and then they literally just fall down a hole and it's just like his prompts like he's like I'm I'm really into my sobriety at the moment and really finding myself look actually like good for you I don't know many people that would maybe be attracted to that on and that but maybe other people that are going through the same thing but it's just really funny when you see these people that once were so good looking and now they're like receding and gross and anyway, I went off track there. Should we do product of the week? Yeah. Okay, guys, my product of the week today is the L'Oreal Magic Retouch Spray. I've also used it this morning. Yeah. So,

look, I'm not ashamed to say being 37 years young that I do have a few sad grays here and there. So I get my colour done every five weeks and it's not cutting it anymore, unfortunately. This is a game changer. I use the brown. I have the dark, slightly darker one. Oh, do you? What is good about this? What I use, because it's a spray.

What I do is I get, you know, like the brushes with the pin where you use to part your hair. Right. I get that and I place it on my parting and spray because there's nothing. There's nothing worse. And like, if you use this and you suddenly can't see your parting, it looks like you're wearing a wick. Yeah, do you not do that. No, that's clever.

Yeah. I've been doing like there, but then I get it all over my hands. Yeah, no. Because I was doing it. But then I couldn't find it one day, so you use a piece of paper. One thing I found works better for me as well is like I do it like the night before. So say I did it last night because you know it goes like a little bit hardish. Yeah, I just brush it out.

So I put it on the night before. I just find it goes better than doing it straight on in the. the morning. Yeah, I mean, I put this on this morning, but it is really good and it's really reasonable, like boots, Amazon, so if you want to get rid of your grey, is? Affirmation of the way. It's more like just, I think a lot of you might need to listen to this. Your body often knows and marriage is over long before your mind can bear to say the word divorce. It knows in the way your shoulders rise when the garage door opens, in the migraine that blooms every Sunday night, in the strange exhaustion that no amount of sleep can

touch. Your thoughts are still busy making cases for staying, still pulling old vows out of the drawers and smoothing them flat. Meanwhile, your nervous system is already standing at the edge of the water looking for a boat. Your body does not care that there were good years. It does not care that you had a beautiful wedding or that other people love him. It is not interested in the family history or the sunk costs of the way your mum will react. It only knows what it knows. That peace should not feel this unreachable that love should not feel like this much bracing that your life should not require this much self-abandonment in that sense the body is the least sentimental and most merciful witness you have isn't that so true like so many of you're writing and like you're in that fight

or flight you're in that anxiety you know and I think a lot of you write in at that edge of knowing before you take that step so many of us know our marriage is over I I say I say certainly look back now, even before everything happened, I think if I really am honest of myself, I knew, I knew. So on that note, guys, no, just trust your instinct more, just trust your intuition a lot more. And just remember, like, we've spoken about it loads of times, like how your body reacts. Yeah. But sometimes I feel like I get carried away and something would be going on in my life and I'll get

really spotty and I'd be like, is this my body telling me that this is a problem? I do that all the time. I'm like, oh no, I got a really spotty chin. Am I making the wrong decision? So, yeah. Anyway. We love you. Love you.

Bye.