Not As We Planned - I Finally Left My Toxic Relationship… So Why Do I Miss Him?

Episode Date: July 22, 2026

You finally leave the relationship everyone told you was toxic… so why do you still miss it?This week, we unpack a listener’s confession about leaving a toxic partner only to find herself missing the chaos she fought so hard to escape. We discuss why healthy relationships can sometimes feel “boring,” the psychology behind toxic attraction, and whether it’s possible to break the cycle for good.We also dive into another heartbreaking listener story about infidelity in the workplace, share our thoughts on modern dating, and catch up on everything that’s been happening in our own lives.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high and I'm one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned.

Oh, that was Acapella, was it? I don't know. I thought you go live. Oh yeah. You weren't quite high. as we planned. That was actually quite good. That was, wasn't it?

Let's know. Harmony. What's the girl group going to be called? Bitches be crazy. Okay, okay. Guys, if you've not got your tickets for tour, what are you doing? Pause this episode and go and purchase them because we want to see you guys there. We do.

And it's coming around quite quickly. Oh my God, it's July. I know. Pinch punch the month for no returns. Oh, no. Slap and a kick for being too quick. Oh, no. No.

No. Go in the bin. Anyway, we hope you're good. How was your week been? How's my week? Well, actually, this morning, quite cute, did our first ever sort of sleepover with the six kids midweek. So we tested it out. We thought, let's see if they can go to bed nicely.

That would be in, like, stupid. Over-exciting, yeah. And let's see if they can wake up and get ready for school nicely and civilised. it was so easy. Don't get, can imagine if next time it goes to share. I know, next time it's going to go absolutely wild. I think also it was because, okay, guys, we're testing this out. And if it doesn't work, we can't do this again.

So I think them having that hanging over there made them really good. So they all, I mean, five out of, no, four out of the six of them were all asleep by maybe like quarter past eight, which I think is really good. Wow, that's good. Not even mind well. And then, yeah, obviously his eldest, went to bed when we went to bed and yeah it was just where does he sleep? He sleeps downstairs on the sofa

yeah so woke up this morning I got up obviously also normally it wouldn't be on a day that we're not filming on a normal day so I had to like get up that extra bit earlier and make myself like look presentable yeah I always get earlier on podcast day I don't know that's really

coming through right now and then I think it gave my kids that like oh let's get ourselves dressed and like brush our teeth and be really good so i actually think it was easier than it is without them in a few weeks time in a few weeks time it'll be like bloody carnage but yeah they got to school on time um so it was cute and breakfast with that many people was actually not that bad um i can't really think of anything else to report what about you how's your week being yeah fine had a good way i've had a nice week yeah yeah

Are you going to share anything or no? No? No. I went to see Lily Allen. Oh yeah, who did you show was? Pam. Was it good? It was unbelievable.

Like if you've listened to the album, like basically, it was a bit different to like go and see a normal singer. Like it wasn't like a concert. It was like, because her album's called West End Girl, it was like a show. Oh, really? So she didn't address the audience at all. It was like the stage, everything, it was amazing. She's just so hot.

Where was it? O2. But in the actual. actual O2? Yeah. She sold out the O2. Three nights she sold out at the O2. Is it bad that I'm surprised?

Is that all it holds? 20,000. 20,000. The O2 holds 20,000 people. Oh. I still a lot of people. I mean, the amount of people that listen. I know, it's crazy.

Should we just go to the O2? I still get ahead of ourselves. Sorry. But it was just brilliant. It was like one of those things that I want her on this podcast so badly. Like, I cannot even explain it. Is it? Is a shout out to Lily Allen?

I came to watch your concert at the O2 on Sunday night. Her whole album, if you haven't listened to it, and you've gone for a divorce, listen to it. It's literally a story of how she called her husband cheating, like everything. It's just so epic. And it was just so annoying. Like, I felt like I wanted to have business cards and just do this.

Well, I was literally just saying that. Like, that is the sort of place where you should have worn a t-shirt with a bloody QR codes. I know. And like, just the audience. I was just like, this is our people. So, yeah, tag Lily Allen, guys. We want her on the podcast. I feel like she would be the most epic guest. Okay, well, that's the goal.

That is one of our goals. That is one of our goals. Lily. You're going to be on this sofa soon, because we love you, you're a queen. So yeah, that was amazing. Love that. I saw those of people went to Harry Starz

and I was really jealous. I don't actually care for his music. Yeah, I was actually shocked that you didn't go. Because I don't actually care about his music. Just his face. So, like, if he was just doing like an intimate dinner, count me in. Okay.

But, I mean, look, don't remember. wrong. I know a few of his songs, but I can't say I've listened to his album because I'm not really interested in his singing. I'm just interested in the way he looks. Yeah. Fair enough. But if I was offered a ticket I would have gone and just like stared. But yeah, I feel like I'm in need of a concert. I love a concert. Yeah, I've kind of got the hug a little bit. Do you have any coming? Have you got anything else but? I've got Backstreet Boys in Germany in October. Wow. Backstreet's back. All right. Yeah. Not my vibe. No. Before we actually start emails, I went to The Crazy Bear a few weeks ago with James.

And by the way, just putting it out there, I had absolutely no idea. Apparently it's like renown for like swinging. Apparently, like didn't know about all the couples that were going to join us that night. Did you know? Yeah. Did you? I weirdly went there for dinner the night before my wedding. Oh, now it's all coming out.

I didn't stay in a row. We went for dinner because the restaurant's nice. Yeah. And we went there for dinner the night before because it was around the corner from my venue. I got married. Oh, fine. I had no idea. Like, I filmed like a room tour.

Like everyone, so you do Utah. I filmed a room tour and I was like, it's so weird. Why are there all these chairs? Everyone like messaged me being like Google like cuck chair. I was like, oh. Tash had a first experience. I think she said there were five other couples but. Yeah, they were all so fit.

You don't judge. Yeah. And we were at breakfast the next day and this couple was next to us and we ended up talking to them and she listens to our podcast. So if you're listening, hi, nice to meet you. What I thought was really nice is that they were there. I think they were celebrating like, I think they've been together for like 20 years.

And it's really nice when you hear that there are people that are like happily married or in a relationship that are listening to our podcast. Because I think when we first started this and probably still a lot of people think that this podcast is only suitable if you're going through heartbreak, if you've gone through a divorce. But actually, we are getting so many more people now. in relationships that say we either help them save their marriage because they were going through a route or they lost the spark or they don't know how to communicate or it gives them that appreciation of knowing

actually this is quite rare like let's work on this and the grass isn't always greener so if you are listening to this and you feel maybe like you're sort of being a bit of an imposter like you don't have anything to contribute with an email we actually want to hear some like nice happy stories as well So send those in because it's always nice to have a bit of hope, isn't it? Anyway, let's crack on with some emails. Okay. Hi both. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on something I've been struggling with.

Hang on, the email is called Stuck and Sad. Okay. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on something I've been struggling with. I'll try to explain it as clearly as I can. I was married for 16 years together for 18. In early 2024, I discovered my husband was having an affair. He left immediately and moved in with her. We all worked in the same building, so it was humiliating and shocking.

It was wild to me. When people, obviously we know that everyone has affairs at work, but it's when you're having an affair and your wife is there. Yeah, that's wild. Like, it even happens under your nose. Yeah, I know people that's happened too. Our marriage had been turbulent for years and looking back, he actually did me a favour. I'm no longer trapped in emotional and physical abuse. I finally feel free. We've recently finalised the divorce and are amicable enough. Later in

in 2024 I met someone new. He's six years older in his early 50s and at first he completely swept me off my feet. He made me feel special, took me on beautiful days out, talked about our future and gave me a sense of balance I hadn't felt in years. We laughed and I could be me. It's things like this that make me really anxious in dating because I feel like it's really difficult. I find it really difficult to feel comfortable enough with someone to like open up and be me. Like I've definitely noticed like I have like the Great Wall of China up around me. I think at the moment. I think where I'm like I've been on my own for over 18 months now and I'm so protective of my little safe space that I've created. And then like just as I'm like

like maybe like chiseling down like a brick, I'll get an email like this. But do you know what? I think that you've maybe got to take the good with the bad. And I think that it's okay to be slightly guarded. And then with time, you let that rule down a bit to allow you to allow that person to see you. But also, like you've always said, you know, keep checking in with yourself. Be mindful, not get swept away. Not romanticise this like future that hasn't yet happened.

A hundred percent. And sort of bring yourself back down to us. I think what I've noticed recently. is that I think it could be really dangerous when you're in the headspace of being so content and got owned and very protective of the peace and the life you've created that you can sometimes like talk yourself out of even like going on a date with someone because you like can you can you can make a presumption about someone based off I don't know it could be the way they look or like their charisma or something like that like I've definitely done it recently where I'm like

like he looks like he could be a fuck boy so I'm I'm just not even going to go on a date. And I've just realized, like, you really need to start giving people an opportunity to show you who they are and be more open-minded. And I think it's having that mentality of, I'm okay without you.

I will trust you until you prove me otherwise. Exactly. Not jumping ahead and picturing things or... Yeah. Sort of like not getting carried away when really, in reality, it's like I've only known this person for a week or a month and I don't know them yet. They're showing their best selves as a lie.

Yeah, 100%. And then also being sure enough that if this doesn't work out, that's okay? Yeah. And it's just keeping reminding out. I know I'm at that point now where no matter who I meet or how involved I get with anyone, I know, I'll always be okay. But I even feel that now. Yeah. Like I think going through my breakup and then reconciling.

with the same person and being together and working on the things that didn't work last time, I'd like to hope that this is it. But if it's not, for whatever reason, I know that I will be okay. Yeah, that's where I'm at. And it's holding that. I think that's quite powerful.

So do I. I think recently I've realized like how far I've come with, I don't know, almost I hit a bit of a point where I was like, I'm actually don't know if I'm that bothered about like definitely trying to meet someone now and like, but then also like I don't want to completely close myself off and miss people.

I think there's a difference with the need and the want. There is a difference. Yeah. We don't need. No one ever needs. No, some people do. I don't think they do.

No, they think they need. But that's what I mean. We're in that headspace of I don't need a man, but I can want one. Yeah. And when you're at that level, you don't accept anything less than what your standards are.

I know. That is what you need to hold on to. I think, I just think there's a really weird line between being so like enormously independent and at peace that you can almost be like, nope, you might damage it, nope, like go away. And I also think that is the same when you're vigilant and you're like, hmm, don't love how he handled that.

So it's a no from me. Or actually, this man's human and I'm not perfect either. So where do you draw the line with giving someone the benefit of the doubt or completely ruling it out? And I'm even there now. It's being growth minded. That's what I've realized. is that I'm not looking for someone who gets things right all the time.

I'm not looking for someone who's perfect. That doesn't exist. I'm a human. I'm sometimes not going to get it right. And I don't expect someone I'm with to get it right. But what I do need for them is, A, accountability. I understand. I didn't know that's how it made you feel.

I take accountability for that. What can I do? Yeah. And it's the growth-minded. And I think that's a really different way of looking at it. Like, I got told, like, a few weeks ago, like, you're looking for someone who's perfect. I was like, I'm genuinely not.

I'm just looking for someone who's accountable. and is open-minded for growth. Yeah, and still, obviously, making sure that you don't ignore the big red flag sinking up, oh, but they can improve on that. But having that willingness to allow someone to make the mistakes together. Absolutely. And I don't want someone just giving an apology for something. It's like, not I'm sorry, it's I'm sorry that happened.

So what am I going to do to change to make sure I don't need to apologize for that again? I agree. Anyway, sorry, I got really sidetrack that. Same, but that was deep. That was deep. But it's valid. Yeah. I genuinely thought I found something real, but things started to shift.

I found a flirty message on his phone. We should meet up type message with someone he knew. I didn't confront him and there were also other things he did that made me question his integrity. A few weeks later, I saw an email confirming he'd booked a hotel for the following weekend for two nights. Just minutes from our home. He had moved in with me by them. Oh, God. Again, I said nothing and waited to see.

what would happen. The next culture a better woman than me. I wouldn't be able to do that. The next weekend he told me that he loved me, but not enough to stay and that he didn't respect me because of how I'd let my ex-husband treat me. Wow, that is a bit harsh.

When I asked about the hotel, he lied straight to my face. I told him I knew and he admitted he booked in so he had somewhere to stay whilst his house sale went through. It turns out that was another lie of sorts. He told me he bought the house. house to rent out, but I'd found out he had planned to live there all along. He packed his

things and left. I was devastated. I truly believed we were building a future. We had no contact for five weeks until I bumped into him. Two weeks later, he messaged saying he really missed me and we reconnected. He asked for a second chance. He promised to give things 110% and that he had made a mistake ending things and that he would do everything to communicate better and to try harder. He even gave me a key to his house to show his commitment. But over the last few months, things are slowly deteriorated again. Small things happening to make me doubt his intentions. I struggled to trust him. He used to invite me to the pub. It was our thing, said he loved me joining him and how proud he was to have me there. I know this may not seem like a big deal,

but that stopped and it felt huge. It is a big deal. He says he'll call and he doesn't. He can go all night and all day without contact. He always contacts but says I'll call you later and then doesn't. He rarely says I love you and when I express how I feel he doesn't reassure me. In fact, he has never reassured or comforted me. It's just not his thing. He has a poor relationship with his family. He used to work away for most of his adult life and he was used to pleasing himself

other than when he'd come home to his family on weekends. He is very little patience and doesn't do small talk. This is to give you some perspective of who he is. He gives me very little of his time Because he's now working on his new home Some weekdays I may get an hour or so Here or there He goes out Fridays with his friends

Always has Two hours on Saturdays 5 to 7 And Sundays for an hour So making plans is sometimes impossible And it's on his terms I brought this up But he dismisses it like it's nothing I suggested booking a holiday

As he had made promises we would go But he wouldn't commit Said he had no money With doing the house up I suggested taking a couple of days off to come to the caravan with me. I have one. He got flustered and says he wasn't sure he could, even though it was less than two weeks away.

A few weeks ago, I walked into his local pub and found him sitting with his friends and his ex-wife. They were married for over 20 years and split up about 18 months before we met, as he had a one-night stand. He explained it away, but when I asked if he would have told me, had I not walked in, he said no, and that hurt. It was this roll reverse. I would never ever do that or put him in that position.

There are so many other small things that just don't sit right. Whilst we never had arguments, like ever, I feel like something is off and I can't shake it. The past two weeks we had some wonderful evenings out. One in particular is up there with one of the most amazing times we've had. Good food, laughing, dog walking, singing, dancing. And five days later, he suggested we go for food into the cinema and it was a lovely evening. And the next day he ended things. He said he lost me but not enough to be with me forever.

He doesn't love me enough and doesn't want to waste my time. He also said this and that and the situation with his son who is grown up who has no interest in meeting me is too much. Their own relationship is extremely fractured and has been since I've known him. He said he wants to be with someone who can have a relationship with his son. I'm the first person to be with him after their marriage ended. When he ended things with me this week, I tried to take his house key off my key ring to give it back

and he stopped me saying, we don't have to do that now. And I left. Now I feel stuck wanting for him to decide how he wants his key returned. I'm going over why he would not want to do it just there and then I can't make sense of it. He also has my house key in a bag of my things.

I don't want either of them back and I don't want to contact him to tell him. I'm trying to stay strong with no contact because it's the only way I feel in control. No contact is something I've always taken strength from. His birthday is in a few weeks. I've already bought cards and a gift I can't remember. return. There is a huge part of me that wants to send it to him with a note saying,

please don't reach out by having them delivered with a note saying, I just wanted you to have these as I wasn't able to return them. I don't fully understand why I need to do that, but I do. I'm heartbroken, but I also know deep down that this isn't healthy. I feel lonely and I'm scared of being alone, scared of not being able to walk to the pub we both go to as it's in his village, scared of starting over at 47. And I also know I deserve better. Is it wrong that I want someone who adores me. I'd really love your advice. I need strength perspective and reassurance that my time will come. It just wasn't with him. Thank you for reading. I love your content and find your advice so helpful. A few things that really stood out to me. First of all,

the first time he broke up with you and he said he had no respect for you because what you allowed your ex-husband to do, believe him when he says he's got no respect for you because everything he's doing right now is showing that he has no respect for you. This man is leaving things like your key with him, his key with you, because he's breadcrumbing you. He doesn't want you to move on. He wants to see if you're going to be there in case he changes his mind because the likelihood is he's going to believe a man when they tell you that they don't love you enough to see you as forever. He is just picking you up and putting you down as and when it pleases him. But when you're together, it doesn't even sound like he's really bringing much to the table.

Like you said that you don't trust him You had a really lovely date Because you went out for a meal And you laughed and danced Pretty sure you can do that with a girlfriend You don't need to do it with a half-ass man That doesn't respect you He's probably cheating on you

He cheated on his ex-wife That's why they got divorced Why would you want to be with someone That has done that If he's going to cheat on the mother of his kids Look, just I really hope that you, listening to what you've written, because you were like, you know, we never argued.

You never argued because you're not sticking up for yourself. You never argued because you're putting your foot down and holding boundaries. You need to return his stuff. Do not send him that birthday present. Put it on vintage. Give it to charity. Do not give it to him.

No contact is absolutely necessary with this man and take it from someone that went, back on no contact and got back with someone, that was for reasons where there was trust in the relationship. No one had done any damage. Like this, this isn't a relationship that you should ever want to go back to. Absolutely, you have the right to want to be loved by someone. It is not with this man. Being scared of being on your own is not a reason to accept shitty behaviour from someone that is giving you less and bare minimum. I agree. I just think, thing is, like, like, he's just repeated patterns.

Like, he's just shown, like, he'll do exactly the same and he knows he can and he knows you'll always take him back. And I think you need to start properly setting boundaries. Absolutely do not send the man this present. Like, absolutely not. Do not break the no contact now. I would literally, you know his address, I would literally post his key back to him.

For sure. Yeah, I would forget about it. Like, she says she doesn't really need it. Maybe change the locks. I would, yeah, I would genuinely do something like, change the locks. send his key back, you've done everything, taking your responsibility for that and move on, because this man is no good for you. You get back with him. He's going to do the same thing

in a few months time or a few years time. You're wasting your time in your life. You're 47. I know you said you're scared of being alone. I think that's a really normal feeling to feel. Like, I think we've got this, we put this pressure on ourselves about the time of our lives and our age and like, oh my God, I'm getting old. I'm never going to meet anyone. Like, I don't think love has a time or an age limit on it. I think we can meet the right people when the time is right, but we've got to set ourselves free to be able to meet the right people. We've got to be able to get rid of people that aren't bringing positive things to our life. That's not what a relationship should look like. And, you know, you've gone through a divorce or whatever

it was, separation at the least. Why would you want to have gone through all of that and then settle for someone who is a bit of a dickhead? I just, I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't and I think you're a lot stronger than you realize. And actually I think maybe you need to figure out and find happiness being on your own first because it's a really, really powerful place to be. Yeah, I agree. Please give us updated.

This is short, but the subject stood out to me because I think a lot of people can probably relate to it. Why can't I get over a knock? Hey, girls, you've been an amazing support to me in this last year since my breakup. I was in a long-time relationship with a man, I believe to be the core love of my life. No question.

I supported him and his children from a past relationship and putting them first at every turn. He cheated with a girl from work. Boring. Another one. And I knew then I deserved more. So I brought him out the house and goodbye.

But it broke me. Like sadness I've never felt. And a year on, I'm dating, but I cannot feel anything like I did at the start with him. No buzz, no chemistry. No desperate need to be with that person every second, every text, every moment, excitement like nothing I'd ever felt before.

Where is it with someone new? I know it's love bombing. I know I've done the work on me to see it for the toxic behaviour it was, but for me, love, total love. I'm so worried I would never feel that type of love for someone again. The way he made me feel, the way I felt around him, how do I stop craving that toxic high and stop finding what I think is really great, genuine guy, is, well, less boring. I feel like I'm a kind, loving, and non-judgmental person, but I just can't feel the same I did with anyone but my ex. My ex lied, cheated, love bombed, discarded me.

The textbook, not behaviours, but I can't help think the start of our relationship was the love story I wanted, which I can't seem to replicate. What do you think I need to look for in a first date now, that I'm trying so hard in choosing men which don't have these love-bombing traits? What do I take as a good sign over those mental butterflies no one can explain? Please keep me private.

Love you girls. I think it's definitely something I've learned in dating is actually the... Don't get me wrong. It's really nice to go on a date with someone and feel that chemistry. That's exciting, right? Like it's nice to sit opposite someone and have conversation and you're just like undressing each other with your eyes. And it's a real, I think there's a difference.

I think there's a difference. I think what you're all searching for is like that crazy intense feeling. It's that movie, isn't it? And I also think there's something to be said about someone that actually leaves your nervous system feeling quite calm and safe. And it's something I've experienced quite recently is like, for example, like I went on a few dates with someone who on paper was. really lovely, would tick a lot of boxes. And I don't know if it was like the chemistry I was chasing or what, but I felt like there was something missing on my end. And I don't, I don't want to say, like, I don't have that toxic part of me that, like, wants that, like, really intense

thing because I actually, that pushes me the other way. Like, someone comes on, like, too strong. I, that makes me pull away. I don't, I don't personally like that. And I think I've got some like red flags up against that because I'm more aware. But I think what you need to just remember is all of that isn't real. It's put on, it's fake, and that's what a narcissist does. They love bomb you in the start to get you hooked. It's all a ploy to draw you in. And that's when all the other mental abuse, you know, the control and behavior, all those things.

That begins, they need to hook you in. I think you just need to constantly be able to check in with yourself and be like, this is not real. And I actually want someone who I would even like write down what it is you're looking for. Like I am looking for someone with these values. I am looking for someone, you know, who has these life goals or, you know, whatever it might be and constantly check in with yourself about the people you're dating, whether those things align. And look, I do think one thing I've certainly realised is like that physical attraction absolutely does need to be there. But don't focus everything on chemistry. Like it's so confusing with the.

internet and like social media because I see all this things like don't confuse compatibility with chemistry and thing is like sometimes you should be chasing this and not this like for me where I'm at and I think everyone is different like I absolutely compatibility is up there but I do also want that chemistry as well I need both and I struggle with I've just got the compatible bit with that because I don't think I'm truly compatible with someone if I don't have that other part um because in my head, I'm like, oh, but these people on the internet are telling me that I don't need the chemistry, but I do. And I really think that's what I'm noticing recently is actually a strong bit of that has been missing. But I think it's really important not to just chase the chemistry without the

compatibility, without those other bits aligning. I think that's really, really important. I've got to be honest, I'm going to be brutal with you. I don't think you should be dating. It doesn't sound like you're dating. I think that just because you've been single for a year, or you broke up a year ago, time is actually irrelevant. It doesn't sound like you've done enough work on yourself. You said you have, you haven't. Because what you were chasing is a feeling that someone gets from a real high of that dopamine when you're not necessarily being love bombed, but within this, you're not talking anything

about the type of man you're looking for and what values he brings to the table. Like, is he, I don't know, passionate with his job? Is he a good dad? Is he, I don't know, financially stable, emotionally mature? I just feel like you're literally chasing that real buzz that you got at the beginning with your ex, who you have admitted is a narcissist. So you need to start really doing some inner work because if you are looking for that buzz, and that chase that you got at the beginning of that relationship,

you were just going to go straight into a relationship with another narcissist. I think that's the unfortunate pattern that a lot of us do. I think we, you know, we look back at our dating history and we're like, oh, that one cheated on me, and then that one cheated on me, oh, and that one did this and that one did that, and he was abusive. And I'm not for a second sitting there saying that it's our fault that we got cheated on, but it gets to a point where you need to look at yourself and be like, what am I putting out or attracting in order to keep getting men that are doing the same

behaviour to me? You are, you even said about the men that maybe don't give you that feeling, but they're boring. They don't have to be boring, but there is a difference between going on a date and being like, oh wow, we've got a lot in common and actually he's really handsome and I sort of think I fancy him. you're not meant to have this like insane butterfly. Oh my God, I need to see him straight away.

Oh my God, I'm going to marry him. We're going to have two kids and call them Jack and Katie. And, you know, like that isn't what we should aspire to have. And I think I can probably speak for both Carly and I that when we first went into that first relationship where we both fell madly in love after our divorce, we were not with bad men. They weren't narcissists. but we were in such a vulnerable damaged state that we, I feel like we probably had that feeling at the beginning

and then when you start dating again after doing the work, it is quite a weird feeling of like, oh, that feeling's a bit absent, so does that mean that they're not right for me? Like you're almost trying to chase, you're not meant to have that feeling. But also you might just not have met the right person, that's also okay. Yeah, but what she is chasing is unhealthy. I agree.

That is why you need to stop. You should not be going on dates, thinking about chasing the feeling that you got from your ex-partner who was an narcissist. And until that thought process changes, don't go on the apps, in my personal opinion. Otherwise, you were going to attract someone that is just going to walk all over you.

Sorry to say it. I think you should get our journal. And I think that you should start doing some inner work and finding out why you feel the need to find that buzz so much. You need to get it from something. Jump out of a plane with a parachute. Get dopamine elsewhere. Yeah.

Not from a man. Sorry. Keep us updated. Okay. Separation divorce advice. Hi guys. I love your podcast. I keep getting clips up here at my TikTok feed.

And honestly, every single time they just relate to how I'm feeling at the moment. So thank you. Currently after nearly nine years together, five years of marriage next month. My husband called it quits last. month. Since the end of April it has been a whirlwind. For the longest time, at least six month he comes home late from work. When he goes on nights out, they're always with his work friends and he would often stay out until like 7am or sometimes even stop somewhere else, not returning home despite us having a little girl together who's still a nursery. His late

work nights became so consistent, I confronted him. He would tell me it's just work being work. He's an assistant head teacher of a school and sometimes coming home at like 10 p.m. at night. One weekend I caught him lying. He told me he was meeting his work friends but my friend saw him going to the theatre with another girl but it turns out he works with and shares an office with. Also, I'm sorry, what teachers are out till seven in the morning? Don't they have school the next day? That's absolute bullshit. I used to be a teacher. What I don't. The same girl who called him the week before at 2pm. Despite seeing him in the bar with her, he stays at this woman's house twice. No apology, no remorse. Two days later I came home to suicide letters.

One for me and one for my little girl. He had tried to take an overdose and try to drop on train tracks. I stayed by his side, even go on a weekend family holiday. A month after all of this, he ends the marriage all because I ask him not to go to work drinks again, but he ignores and goes anyway. I ask him to share his location and he kicks off and ends our marriage. Do you think he's cheating on me. Yeah. Do you think he's moved on already? He's denied it, but I don't know. In his suicide letter, he said that he'd avoid coming home and would just stay out drinking instead. He's distanced himself from his schoolmates, me, barely chatted to his mum and I'm not sure whether he is still taking medication or talking to anyone, but I don't know how to process all

of this and somehow be amicable co-parents. He's gone from, he is leaving the family home, to now he hasn't, but stays on nights where he has our little girl. It's been me who's had to split the bills, me coming up with some childcare arrangements, etc. Any advice on how to co-parent through this would be appreciated. The thought of this being 50-50 custody breaks me, especially as I never wanted this and he's never willing to go to therapy with me. I'm at a total loss.

Sorry for my long-ass email. I appreciate any advice if possible. I have had a situation before where you've had that sort of like empty threat of someone taking their life. Yeah, I agree. Scary. Scary. I'm reading you letters.

But writing a letter, what I'm about to say may be wrong. And apologies if it's insensitive to anyone. Because I appreciate that suicide is obviously not something to joke about. It's unbelievably serious. However, if someone is going to take their life, they will take their life. Whether you stop them on one occasion, it will happen. And I'm not saying ignore the letters, ignore the threat. but it is also sometimes sadly used as a way of controlling someone.

And it does sound like he is having an affair. But the fact that he has said that he wants to leave you, I kind of think that that bit is irrelevant. I think that absolutely you need to be mindful of someone's mental health, but you can't control or stop someone or make someone do something. Like they have control of their life, or you've got control of yours, and you've got to try and find some sort of...

The thing is, if he's suicidal, I don't know where that stands in regards to childcare. I just think my concern is that whole bit because I think, like you said, it's very different, threatening something and then writing a letter. I don't, like, I'm just trying to put myself in your situation. I feel like I would be like,

even for our daughter, can we go and speak to someone, whether that's like a doctor or whatever, or call like Samaritans or something, and be like, I'm really concerned. And just try and seek that advice because I don't like the position that you're being left in. What I would say is like, if he's telling you he doesn't want to be with you, I would leave it there.

Like, you deserve to be someone who wants to be with you. Whether or not there's someone else, like, you don't get the closure from knowing all these things. You get the closure from within, from you, from you deciding, do you know what? Like, I don't trust this man. He's lied to me. He doesn't make me feel safe. And that's enough.

and I think you need to park the idea of, I think so many of us, like, get ourselves in the positions where we're chasing answers and we don't always need them. But I just think, if I was you, I'd want to make sure I'd done some things.

Just the mental health thing does always concern me. Also, also for the safety of your child. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I agree. Then you shouldn't be doing 50-50. I would call, I think Smaritans give advice on things like that. So I definitely called, like, some kind of helpline just because I don't feel like we've...

Because she also said, she doesn't know if he's on medication anymore. So does he have some sort of like history of depression or like what medication is he on? Possibly. Mental health. Yeah, possibly. So maybe 50-50 isn't an option if he's not in a fit state to parent on his own.

If you're worried like he's going to commit suicide boss, he's for your kid. Like that's okay. Keep us updated. I understand when you're questioning whether like, does that mean that he cheated? Yeah. In a way, it doesn't actually matter.

But like he's gone to the theater with another. woman and he's staying out late. He's not coming at his teacher. It's not like he's working an office. Yeah, it's not like they're going on a night out in the city. No, he's cheating on you, but you don't need him to tell you. No, I think it's time to unfortunately draw a line and I guess be more mindful with how you move forward

in regards to the co-parenting side of things with the mental health situation. Product of the week. Hey guys, heat wave, right? Yes. What is it? What is it? I was a fan. Is it good?

I mean, it's got three modes. Oh, I'm real. How long is it? How does it? I've never had it. I haven't charged it yet. Oh, really? And you've used it a lot.

I took it to Ibiza. Really? Because. You still haven't charged it? No. It folds up and goes in your bag. Because I hate it. Like, the ones like that are like more rounded.

Yeah. This don't fit in a bag that I'm taking out. So I bought that. I've been taking it around with me. Getting a bit flustered. It's from Amazon. We will link it. somewhere for you.

But, um, right, dirty mind. It's good, right? It's going far. Just, I would be careful with kids because I feel like the blades, but I don't know if it hurts, but I haven't actually tried to like, color someone. I feel like it would get stuck in your hair. But just for someone, like I was on the underground the other night.

And everyone hated me. I'm just there and I'm like. With your snazzy fan. They hate it. It's quite aesthetic. It's so aesthetic. Okay, send me the link, babes. Love that.

How much was it? Like, so. Oh, stop it. It's bugs. Oh. One of my best advice, so I'll share that with you. Love that. Heat Wave 2 pending.

Okay, confession of the week. When I was about 21, I slept with my manager from work. I still cringe about it to this day. I'm nearly 32. We stayed up all night drinking red wine and had to go to work at 6 a.m. He took the day off last minute. It was so awkward for years after. He left a few years back, and now I get the looking good and flame emojis of

on my pictures. He was about 40 at the time. Oh God. So he must be like, he's like a 50 year old man now and he's still like, he's sending her like flame emojis on Instagram. Love that.

I hope that he was single and you were too because we're not having any and other ones in our confessions of the week. Right. Let's finish off with an affirmation. Someone actually sent this and was like, it's very carly coded. I think I saw that way in and read it.

Okay. You're single. You can date as many men as you want. No, I'm good. I don't confuse attention. with love. I don't let temporary people touch my mind, my body or my soul. No random hookups, no situation ships, no wasted time. My peace is too expensive. I'd rather spend another year alone than spend another day entertaining someone who isn't intentional. I don't chase chemistry

that disappears after midnight. I want loyalty that still exists in daylight. Love isn't a game to me. My heart isn't a waiting room and my life isn't an audition. If protecting my peace makes me seem hard to get than so be it. I'd rather be alone than emotionally exhausted, constantly questioning where I stand. And until then, I choose solitude over confusion and self-respect over temporary attention. Being single isn't my fear, settling is.

I love that. I think it's... I feel like I'm there. I feel like it's really like common now to... And don't get me wrong, like, because I might be contradicting myself. I think it is also so cool to be like, I'm single, I'm in my 30s, I'm going to have a bit of fun.

That is so cool. But I sometimes think there's this like pressure of like if you're not doing that, it's like, oh, like, why are you so boring? Like, no, like cool. I love that last bit. Same. Like powerful. Anyway, guys, thank you so much.

If you want more episodes, go and join Patreon. There's so many for you to catch up on monthly zooms as well. And we'll see you next week.