Not As We Planned - I Found Out He's Been In Prison | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: April 22, 2026

This week, we discuss feeling like you have hit rock bottom, we have a look at the calibre of the dating pool and hear a story about a man whose little lies were just the tip of the iceberg. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hello, guys and welcome back to Not As We planned. We hope you're well. We hope you're good. I'm loving this colour on you. It's giving... Spring. Chick. Little fluffy chick What's your news? What's your news? No, what's your news?

No, you gave birth No, I also you first I asked you first Oh yeah, shit Well, first of what I think We should talk about our little trip away Because we had the best time ever It was meant to be like really relaxing

Which it was at times And then like Partially And then like We had like a really nice meditation session Although like the man next me Fucking kept snoring snoring you fell asleep it was so annoying and also i don't i never asked you you know like at the

beginning when we were doing our breathing did you hear the woman next to me she was like blowing like squeaky with a little whistle and i was just thinking like is that necessary i nearly got the giggles and i had to like self-talk myself out of it and i was like oh oh leave like breathed but then we got back like meditation then we get back to the room i noticed that the blind so basically like in our room there was an electric blind but then behind the blind there was almost like a little cubbyhole of like windows yeah floor to ceiling windows i don't really understand that bit it was cute it was anyway and then i was like let's have a limbo competition so yeah we did that after

the same i had a speaker so i put on that music get low get low and yeah it was good i won she did um yeah and then we got some truckler yeah Probably weren't meant to have it there because it was like a proper like detox spa. So we had to like smuggle it in. Yeah, then Tash left me and I was there for an extra day on my own. Was that more relaxing? Not really because of all the things I did. I did like aerial yoga.

So I was like upside down. Or I did cryotherapy where you go in like. Yeah, that looked really cold. It was freezing. It was really good for like my head. Really? Do you think I would have hacked it? No.

No. I had a lovely massage. And she was like, she was like, has something going on recently? You are unbelievably tighting your shoulders and neck. Like I haven't been able to release it all. And I was like, don't get me started by you. Yeah, this isn't a therapy session. Just stop talking to me and run my back.

Yeah. But I had a really bad neck the other week. Like it was with all my stress. I seized up and I couldn't even turn it. So I was driving and I was like, actually, this is dangerous. I feel like can't even turn my neck. So I feel like she released that. Did you have a bad headache after it?

Sometimes I feel like. like when you have like a massage, I feel like, oh, the tension comes out and then I get a really bad headache. I don't remember. Then you probably did. Yeah, I was, I can't remember. Obviously, it's Easter holidays at the moment. I hope everyone's surviving, thriving.

I don't really have much to say to be honest. I don't know. Maybe for Patreon. Okay. Oh, guys, I'm going to try and speak about this, start getting emotional. I've been in a shit fucking place. Like, I hit rock bottom over the last week. And I think it must have been...

So the kids went to their dad's last Friday. And it was like the Friday Saturday Saturday, I was like on my own. And I've just got a lot of other stuff going on right now, like the financial pressures to divorce, like to see the grief of my dad. And it just, I just feel like when you go through a lot in life and you just keep getting thrown bad stuff, throwing bad stuff, throwing bad stuff, I feel like I've been so used to putting on this mask.

I'm not most masks, but I've been so used to being the strong one. Like she's so strong. You get through anything. Carly, you're the strongest person I know. Like, there's nothing you can't handle. Carly, you're so strong. And I feel like I'm fed up of being strong. I'm fed up of having to be strong.

I'm fed up of, you know, having to basically live in this, like, survival mode. And that's what I feel like has realized. And I think this grief from my dad has been the tip of the iceberg. It's been the thing that has sent me over the edge that, like, my body has been living, like, in this temperamental state for so long. And that has tipped me over the edge. And I had a full-on breakdown. And look, I'll speak about it because hopefully it will help someone.

But when I say breakdown, I mean, I was on the floor hyperventilating. like talking to my dad saying please help me, I don't know what to do. Like, it's actually really sad thinking about it. But like I felt helpless. I feel like I think I'm so used to speaking positively to myself and speaking positivity into my life and being like, you know, keep going. Self development and, you know, this is all about growth and it's going to push you

and you're going to look back and be like, wow, like, but I'm fed up of it. I'm fed up of having to go through all these different things to grow. Like, I feel like I've grown into quite a nice person now. Like, I would like to stop. I don't know, I would just like to not have to be strong anymore. I'd like to just be able to thrive. And I think what I've really realized is that maybe I have been putting on a bit of a mask

and just getting on with it. Because I think when you have kids in particular, you can't. And I think maybe I've done this from the start. Because I feel like the way I coped with, like, my divorce and everything was weird. Like I've just, I've never really struggled. And same with like my breakup. Like I don't feel like, I feel like I've always just been like, this is what it is. Like I'm going to get on with it.

And think in my head, I thought, wow, I'm like this weirdly positive person. Like, am I okay? But I think what I'm starting to realize is actually I've been putting this mask on for such a long time that I've just got used to wearing it. And I think there's only so much one person can take. And I have felt I have never felt this low. And that's me being completely honest and very. vulnerable with you and it's not easy to say that out loud because I don't ever want someone to look at me and think, I don't know, she's a negative person or anything, but I, that's

just where I'm at right now. And I took myself away to this place the last two days and it was like, it's called the Lodge Retreat and it's in, it's in, it's in, it's near like Frinton, so it's in Essex. And it was, I stayed in this like shepherd's heart and it was lovely, but I, the most amazing part about my stay is that I booked to do some somatic healing. Didn't know what it was, but I'd researched it before I went and it's like scientifically backed. For me, I need like some evidence of it being a thing. But I'm also very open-minded to trying anything that's going to help and make me feel better. So it was it was meant to be an hour and a half, but it was definitely longer. And I walked in and it was a bit, it was set up a bit like a sound.

bath it was one and one so this lady she's really selective about who she works with so she was telling me and she was like because i absorbed that energy from that person she only works with one person a day and she has to be really selective like and she's like i saw i'm as much as i'll tag her on instagram she's like i don't i can't take on everyone and they i'm very but she's like we had a phone call before and i was explaining does she only do it there at that place i don't believe so no but I, we spoke on the phone, just like, I feel really called to you, like your energy. And it's all about how, like, when you go through, like, trauma and stuff, you actually physically hold it, like, in your fascia, in your body, like, in your muscles, in your organs.

And it builds up. And it's like people who go through, through, like, mental trauma and stuff, they can get physically really, really ill because parts of your body aren't functioning properly. It's funny you say that because you know, I speak. about the Thrive program that I'm doing from my emetaphobia, it talks a lot about you don't realise how your inner thoughts and certain things that you do in your own mind can make you physically unwell. Yeah, it's true. And how not for a second saying that people that get heart disease, cancer, it's because you're negative. That is not what I'm saying. But there is scientific facts that certain things that you do in your life and how you process it.

information, what your beliefs are, what your thoughts are, has an impact on your immune system. 100%. And we're talking about like vibrations as well, like how if you're always consuming like negative energy that you store that in your body. So it was all about it was, so I was laying down the whole time. And some point she just had her hands on certain parts of my body, a bit like it, it was a bit like rakey. But then there were other points where I had to do a deep inhale and on the exhale, she'd push down. And there was so. certain points where the push down, I can't explain it. I just burst out crying.

And it, like, I could feel that energy leaving my body. And then I was having, like, really vivid. I could see, like, really vivid things. Like, there was this part. And, like, my dad was, like, running through these fields, right? It was a really sunny day. And he looked like, not how the last time I saw him, he looked like dad, like, his finest.

And he was laughing. He was like, I'm fine. Like, I'm having a great. I can't explain it. It was the weirdest experience. But then really interestingly, so there were certain parts of the body. And she doesn't have like a set routine. She just kind of goes where she feels the energy needing to go.

And like she does stuff with like the sound bath drum, whatever they are. And there was this really random bit where she was definitely playing an accordion. And I was like, I'm not sure I could get this, but singing at me. And I was like, this is so fucking bizarre. But look, I'm very open. You know what you're just like, I don't know what it's happening right now. But the thing that's, So at the end we were speaking, we spoke about a lot.

This woman is just an abundance of knowledge. I always love speaking to people who, she's clearly been through her own stuff, but just explaining why she chose to do the work she does, I just think is amazing. But she was like, firstly, she's like, I felt your energy and it's just so much sorrow. And she's like, but she's like,

I couldn't get into your liver. And she's like, your liver is one of the most important parts of your body. and there's like, she's like, I couldn't get in. It was like a really protective thing over it and same with your heart. And she was like, there's like this protection over it that nothing can get in. So you can't open your heart. And I was like, my God, that's literally me. And she was like, there's some trauma there from where you've been hurt by someone in the past.

And I was like, right. And she's like, and we need to try and like disperse that trauma physically from you to be able to open up your heart. And then so part of me was like, okay, like maybe I'm the problem. I don't know. But it was just, she's obviously started to release it. But there are certain things like we've spoken about that I'm going to be doing. And like she said over the next few days, actually over the next few weeks, I could be very emotional. Shit, it might come out in anger.

So watch out. It might come out in just emotion. It might be like lots of random things. So I was just thinking about the anger that I had from when we were at the place and you were like scared that I was going to like do. something. But also like one really interesting thing she said and I briefly voice-noted to Tash about this yesterday is I explained to her what our job is right and how we get people writing in stories and don't do not get me wrong do not listen to this think right I'm never writing into them but when people are giving us negative this is what

this is what it was it was I said like we get a lot of stories about men who are unfaithful and lots of traumatic things. And she said, the thing is, all of that is feeding this protection. You've got around there. So you're feeding that to be true.

And so she gave me a couple of exercises for me and Tash to do after filming to like physically get rid of the negative energy off us. But she just said like, we do need to be careful and what we do because we are absorbing a lot of like negative stuff and things that when you hear. It's like what we say like even like with manifestation,

you hear enough you start believing it's just. true. So if you think every man's going to be unfaithful, then that's the kind of person you're going to manifest into your life. So I don't know if she was just like, wow, like she could see that I'm, what did she say? Because she was the kind of person, she's a mom of four. And she was like, I'm such a caregiver, like I give, give, give, and that's why she decided to do what she does now because she absorbs other people's energy. And she's like, I can tell you, like, you give out to She's like, you give this advice, you give to your kids. She's like, she said to me, like, I feel your energy, you are at capacity.

And she was like, burnout isn't okay. But she was like, you're going to make yourself physically ill, like, like get some kind of serious illness if you carry on the way you're carrying on. And it was a bit of a wake up call, to be honest, because I am like that. And she's like, you need to start getting rid of people's energy. You need to start setting boundaries for people who, when you leave, somewhere if you feel depleted and drained, that is your body's instinct saying this isn't right for me. And she was like, it was just very insightful and I really needed it. So yeah, I guess it's even like when therapists have therapy. Yeah. Because you need to like,

a lot of counsellors, they have to have therapy because everything that you're taking on, you've got to offload it somewhere else, otherwise you keep it in. I don't know. It just made me really, realise that I need to look after myself a bit better because I think my priorities always just been showing up for my kids but if I'm depleting myself that much then you can't show up but then I'll get ill like that's not okay for my kids so look I'm not very aware things like that aren't going to just change overnight but it was just really interesting and also she said to me like with the heart thing she's like you know if you go on dates I want you to start being open think about like the best positive

case. So I am going to... Overthink the positive, right, than the negative. I'll try. Easier said than done. Easier said than done. So yeah, it's just been insightful. Insightful. Okay. Okay. Dating era. Hey.

Hello, girlies. I've just gone through the most horrific six months in my dating life. So last September I matched with a guy on hinge. Let's call him Bob for the sake of this email slash legal reasons. Oh, God. Bob. So at first me and Bob were getting on really well.

He lived five minutes away from me. Oh, wow. He came round to my house, and well, as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, one thing led to another and things happened. I mean, it wasn't the best. He lasted 10 seconds. Oh, no. Shame, Bob.

You can forgive the first time. He then ghosted me for a few weeks. Then came back in October, and for six months we've been on and off talking. I was being stubborn because of what happened in the first time. September. March came and he'd been messaging me for a while, completely love bombing me, emotionally manipulating me. And even though this day I told him I didn't want to do anything, he turned up at my house to sort things out. We did end up sorting things out and for a few weeks and things were going really well until we went to his local old man's pub with his friends.

Bearing in mind I wasn't keen on going because it's not my type of place, but I went for him. We walked in and from the minute we walked in I felt invisible. I didn't know these people. He didn't even introduce me to anyone. He didn't even acknowledge me. I was very much out of my comfort zone. And what do us girls do? Of course, we get drunk. I got wine drunk.

So as you can imagine, I was very drunk and did end up being sick. He was telling strangers that weren't with us. I was his partner and stuff, but he was telling me that I was basically too much, saying I'd been vile. But I remember a lot of that night, and I'm not saying this, but I wasn't this vile person he made me out to be. The next day we sorted that and I went to his, stayed there as I have most nights.

The Saturday morning he dropped me home as I was out for my auntie's birthday. Whilst we were out, he phacetimeed me, but he was rude and Mardi when my family and friends were talking to us. That night, as us girls do, I asked if I could go to his after being out and he turned awful. The Sunday he was again saying how I'm too much when I'm drunk, accusing me of being horrible when I was at my auntie's birthday and I wasn't even that drunk. I've been drinking cocktails which don't affect me the way wine does. There was a few red flags. He basically told me I was good enough for friends with benefits but not a relationship.

Yet he was a one proper love bombing me and promising me forever kind of thing. My friend advised me to do a Claire's law. I'm not going to disclose what I've been told, but he's not a nice man and he's had more than one girl that's reported him for a number of DV allegations. Please don't read my name out on the pod if you discuss this. Thoughts? I mean, no offence. Someone ghosted me after they'd slept with me.

They'd be gone anyway. Yeah. Like, he's already showing you he lacks communication. He lacks respect. The man sounds toxic. The whole thing sounds toxic. I do sometimes think that alcohol can, I don't know, like different, it depends, like, is this man drinking? Does he drink?

I think sometimes when you don't align on like your kind of like recreational habits, it can cause comfort. Like whether or not that feels really drunk to you, it still might make someone uncomfortable. So I feel like that's valid. And he might not have felt like you were your normal self. And I feel like sometimes we don't have a good enough perception of that because we're intoxicated or we've been drinking. So I feel like that's not really the issue whether he finds you too much when you're drunk or not. I think the bigger issue is the information you found out about him, the fact he goes to you. I just don't think this man's any good for you.

and I've just cut it off, to be honest. I feel like looking at both sides, I feel like you're obviously lacking quite a bit of self-worth because of the going back after ghosting, continuing to talk to him when he's told you that you're not worthy of being a relationship type of person, just a friends with benefits. He wasn't very respectful when you went to the pub

and he pretty much ignored you. However, on the flip side, yes, he was wrong for ignoring you and you not being introduced to when you are and etc, etc. But that was your opportunity to leave, not get so drunk that you were sick because then also I feel like, is that a quality someone wants in a partner?

No. So I think you need to learn by taking some accountability for how you showed up in this. I've got to be honest, but also realising that like he didn't deserve your time in the first place. Can we just touch on the ghosting thing as well? Because this is actually something I experienced relatively recently. I had seen someone four times.

They'd been chat like about, I actually opened up. Like, it's actually ironic because it's like one of the first times I've not been like ice queen. And like opened up about certain things. And, you know, he was very much like, I'm different.

Like, and if I ever said anything negative about like, we'll just take it date at the time. He was like, no, we speak positively. Like, see, there's going somewhere like, would feed me this stuff. And then literally there was a situation, not going to go into it. I, you've seen the messages.

I very, very maturely just expressed how I was feeling non-accusatory, nothing. And he wrote back and then I took some time to reflect. I wrote back a nice message, right? Taking accountability on, I don't know, maybe overthinking. Tumbleweed. Ghosted. Ghosted after four dates. And do you know what?

It felt like shit. Because I just thought, but this man had like promised me. stuff. Like this man had tried to make out he was, actually, I'm not actually going to call him a man, I'm going to call him a boy because that's what his behaviour is. Like it's giving, he was younger than me as well. So, I don't think that's got anything to do with that. I mean, he's not a nice person, especially to do it. He was very immature. The timeline of what you're going through as well. I know. The whole thing is. And if you ever see this, I know who you are and what you look like. Yeah. I will. I've been, I was so close sending a message. I actually sent one this

morning just I was thinking about and I'm like you are actually just a vile person. The thing is how would you feel if you sent it and then he didn't reply? I think I don't need a reply. I just wanted to land and him know that he's a piece of shit but I think hopefully he really does know it's a piece of shit. But he won't because someone like that doesn't self-reflect. Should we tell him later then? Should I face-time him?

Can you imagine? Hi, you're a prick. Bye. On the pod. You think you're this amazing person and no, that's really mean. Anyway, it just really sucked because I felt like actually for the first time in quite a long time I'd been quite open with someone, which I struggled to do. Don't let that put you off doing that thing, though. No, look, it's interesting because he actually ghosted me back in December, but there was like a valid excuse.

And it just goes to show like that one thing, that one like tiny red flag at the beginning, but then they can like talk themselves out of it is always the thing that in the thing. that ends up being the catalyst or the reason that it doesn't work. Do you think people can change? Something like that doesn't. It's just really giving me a bit of a wake-up call because there were quite a few other red flags as well that you kind of look back at.

What are your thoughts on people changing? Men. I think it's all well and good saying you're going to change but can you actually materialise those changes? That's not really answer the question, is it? No, I think change takes a lot. long time. Yeah.

I don't think you can wake up and be like, I'm going to do this differently. I think it takes practice. I think it takes mistakes. I'm not a guinea pig. I'm not here to be someone's practice run as to whether you can or can't change. I have one life. My life is precious. And I'm going to choose to be with someone who's already implemented changes and has

become a better person and can give me what I'm looking for. And that is not you, little immature boy. Guys, I thought A few, I feel like it was a few months ago now We went on Carly's Hinge And we were just looking at Some of the men out there And what they had to say

What their prompts were So I thought we'd do it Are we ready? So we got Will here No, he's just liked me Oh, good, goodbye What's he said to me? He has said

Can I just stop and say Wow, you are literally Insomely Beautiful I'm definitely getting to know you better If that's okay Well, then you're not definitely, are you? Like, that made absolutely no sense and you have no hair. So I'm going to cross you.

Hey, ma'am. Yeah, shake it. Sorry. It was actually interesting. So last weekend, I went out with a load of people for a lot of you probably follow. Jessica May. She did an event. And then a load of us went out for dinner.

And I was really intrigued to see like a woman's hinge profile. So one of the guys I was with gave me his hinge. And I was looking at some. girls dating app. What was it like? Some of them were like, do you know what? I would love. I feel like we said this before. I want you guys to screen record. I feel like we need to get a WhatsApp. We need to get a WhatsApp number for the pod because I would love for you guys to send us screen recordings of your dating apps and we sort of like rate them and say what's good. Don't you think that we should do that? I haven't so much phone yet. Oh, we've got a voice note here.

From who? I'm not going to say his name. Why? What a surname? Give us a know. Okay, go on Christopher. Worst idea I've ever had. I led a group of friends hiking on a scaffold pike, and we had, one of us was injured, and I thought it would be a good idea to take what looked to be a shortcut as it seemed to go downhill in the direction we were going.

And I ended up leading us into a marsh, so that was an absolute disaster. Oh, dear. Do you know what was a disaster? That story. What is this man got a half-naked back picture? Hang on. Oh, we've got another voice note.

Who's this? Mark, we'll get along if. Well, we would definitely get along if you occasionally laugh at something that you really shouldn't do. Like your voice note. Is that it? Oh, Mark. I do like the voice.

Get in touch. Get in touch where help you improve. Yeah. Don't you think we should do it? Oh, my God, can you imagine if every week we added a new segment and it was let us rate your price. profile. I think we need to do that. Guys, would you not have to rate your profile? We need to look at getting a SIM then, don't we? Yeah. Let's do it. Any others?

You can be in charge of sorting the SIM out. Oh, great. So that's never going to happen then. I'm not taking. I'm at capacity. I was told I'm at capacity. I'm just going to use this forever now. I actually am. I'm at capacity. I've got protected my energy. The apps ain't apping. Although, talking of apps, I actually downloaded Tinder the other day. What's it like? What's the vibe? Joe what? I will say, I actually think there's more men on there because... Let me screen and you carry on talking about. I think there's more men on Tinder because I feel like, when you think about dating apps,

I feel like that's the one men know about Tinder or Hinge. I thought it was known for like people that aren't really taking it seriously. So I went on it. I think it is a bit more similar to Bumble in that it takes into account where you're located. I haven't really... I'll be honest. I'm on the apps but I'm not really scrolling But I did match with someone

I might have a date today She does I don't know why you're saying might Why I'm being so coy? I have a date today And he actually said Look I could be on here next week

Being like But he ghosted Yeah I don't think he will ghosted me We've facetimed So do you have a setting for men With just no hair No this is the colour of men out there right now Well I'm petrised

I think my age gap now is like 3742 as well I've got a really narrow age gap. Well, none of them have her. No, this is just what dating's like this. Cool. So in other words, I'm fucked.

This is why I went on Tinder. My simple pleasure is cold side of the pillow. I mean, to be fair, I can relate. Same, I love a cold side of the pillow. But yeah, I dig on Tinder. Look, it's worth just putting yourself out there. Who knows? Do you know what?

I have to be honest. So far he's doing pretty well. He's all going to, like, he was very assertive. So the last person I was saying, oh my God, like, couldn't even, like, I had to literally hold his hand to organise a date.

This guy has been assertive. He's told me what we're doing. He's booked it. He's sent me the menu to where we're going to eat. He's like, check this, something you like. He's asked if I have a curfew, so can he book this? A curfew?

Don't tell me he used that word because that would give me the X, sorry, you're 16? No, I think I might have used for a curfew. Yeah. Like, is there a time I need to get home? Like, do I have the kids, like, early or whatever? And see the thing is

I wouldn't want someone asking me that because if the date's not going well and you've already been like, no, I can be out whenever I want, you're fucked. I didn't think of it like that. I mean, it's more for he's... Red flag. It's more because he's booked an activity quite late.

I think it's a light half-hap, whatever. And then he is walking to come pick me up from here. So am I going to vet him? No, I'm going to wait till you're gone. That's so many. Absolutely. Not. I'm going to just hold back. No, you know what? You've got to get back for the kids.

Do you know, fuck them. You've got to get back for the kids. Fuck the kids. We've got things to do, places to be. No, we saw the picture and we, yeah. Yeah, we approve. Good looking, good looking bar. I approve for now. However, so far everything you've said is bare minimum. And I've said this.

Yeah, I think I've just been celebrating. Here we go. So this is Phil and he is saying. I couldn't die out of something called Phil. Could you not? Better than James, no? A thought I recently had in the shower. Right, let's keep it clean, Phil. Having a bath is pointless.

You're actually just bathing in your own dirt and filth. You're not actually getting clean. I don't know if I'm weird, but I have a shower after I have a bath. Leave a comment if you're doing the same. Let me know if I'm not weird. No, that's true. I literally had this discussion with someone yesterday. The thing is, I understand.

that but if that's all you've got to say I'm out then that really turns girls on thinking about you swimming around in your own build oh honestly just a man in a bath actually does give me the ick I can just imagine their balls floating I know like just it's always I am intrigued just to like when I remember like a while ago I was messaging someone I was like what you're doing it's like I'm just in the bath and then I got the ick because I was like oh I just imagine like everything's like I don't know. I just feel like I've got another voice note here. Oh my God.

Ash. I know. In my element, when? Having my element and my most happiness with my children. I'm just a big kid myself. Do you want, sweetheart? Collie's in love. No, I'm not.

It's a low from me. No, it's his voice. Also, like, can you stop ruffling around with the mic? It sounded like you have like being wind-swept. Hold on, I need more. They're shit. They're so bad. Okay, ready?

Pull. Put a finger down if. Kinky. Good morning, good afternoon, good evening and good day. It's good night. I'm very well and good. If you like what you're seeing and reading, draw me a message.

Let's meet for a coffee. And have a chat. I think you get the idea of the prompt. Appreciate your time. have a good day. I don't think you understand. Thanks, Paul, but I wasn't put my finger down for any of that. It's hard out there, apparently.

It's rough. I'm still hopeful that, like, I'll just bump into my future husband in Tesco's, but I'm not sure that's going to happen. Who was it that said, I think it was Jay Chetty, that you're more likely to bump into someone in the places that you go to often rather than just on a random night out,

which takes the pressure off a bit. I don't need to go to like a random night. bar or something. This is why I want to join David Lloyd. Mm. I feel like my man could be there. Yeah. He just doesn't know it yet.

I wonder what my husband's doing right now. I listened to a really interesting episode actually. It might have been that episode. And was it the founder of Hinge or someone who works at Hinge? No, it was a recent one about dating. Really interesting, listen, actually. And they were saying how, they were talking about the current state of dating, but how so many of us close off.

to think, like, it did make me think about certain things. Like, they were talking about how you might have a whole list of things you want. And I was like, I've got it in my notes section. And there's certain things that you need to let go of. So it was like, I can't remember the saying, like, well-dressed or even down to height. See, for me with well-dressed, I think if they're open to... Oh, no, I agree. I've let that one go.

You can change that. But the height thing was really interesting. I can't remember what the actual. actual number was, but it was around, and this is the United States, around 86% of men are under six foot. So if you've got like this, um, six foot cat, this standard of six foot, you're, you've already cut off 86% of men. I just thought, listen to that was quite wild. Yeah. I mean, I'm not that fast.

No, I'm five foot ten is my minute. Right. Got a voice note. I would do five eight. Yeah, but you can. Yeah. I can't. No.

When did leave a voice like a thing? Let's do this for our date from home. What's his name? Oh, Lewis. Okay. Let's do this for our date from home. When did leaving a voice like become a thing? I hate voice lights.

Don't matter my voice sounds great. So why have we done it and not answer the question? Is that it? What? Also, I don't like someone that doesn't like a voice note. Same. Voice like all the time. Yeah.

Here we go. Okay. Worst idea I've ever had. Who is he? Oh, sorry. Steve. Oh, no. And his worst idea I've ever.

ever had. When I was in my late teens, I liked the cricket of Kevin Peterson, who had a blonde mohawk in his hair. So I thought I would copy him and do the same. Man, was that a bad idea. Sounds like he's got breathing problems. Just, oh, these people sound so fucking boring. Oh, I've fallen asleep. Right. Anyway, that's depressing. Email? Do you remember? Do you remember the one that we did last? awesome. What did he say? It's, it, it was really loud and it came out of nowhere. He said a word. Yeah. What was it? No, it's, it's, cocktails. Cocktails. Crayal. That was, jokes should have matched with him. At least you know that you

would have had a fun night. No. Okay. The man's gaslighting was on fire. Hello ladies, I love listening to your podcast and from doing so it's inspired me to share my story. Sit tight. This is a long one. Growing up, I never had my own father in my life until I was older and it didn't work out as he allowed his wife to disrespect me and treat me so differently, but that's another story. My granddad was my father figure, and that's key to this story. I met my now ex and father to my child when I was 27. It was a well-wind romance. He was my boss at work and 14 years older than me with three children of his own. One of his children was an adult at the time and the other two were 14.

He wasn't my type on paper at all and my family were so shocked that I had fallen for him, but they were all supportive. The only person who was not supportive was my granddad. We worked in a children's home together and saw firsthand how amazing he was with the children and that made me fall for him even more. Over time, my granddad tried to discourage me from being with him. I put it down to that my granddad's opinion of him was not due to him as a person but due to the colour of his skin.

Part of me wishes that I'd listened to my granddad, but I would. wouldn't have my beautiful girl if I did. About 18 months into our relationship, my granddad's health was declining. I attended an appointment with him in the July where he was told he'd have nine to 12 months to live. I regret going to that appointment and I knew he regretted me being there. Hearing that from someone, a professional broke me. I was uncontrollably sobbing.

Later that night, I told my partner and I spoke about how he was not going to see his great grandchildren. We both agreed that night that we would try for a baby. We took my mum and stepdad out. for a meal and informed them and they were thrilled at the idea of them having their first grandchild. I'd like to think I'm quite a straight-headed woman, but in hindsight, I just wanted to give my my granddad the opportunity to meet his great-grandchild, and I read that umbilical called blood can really help people with cancer. Between July to November, my partner had been offered

a business opportunity with his brother-in-law to rent-out student accommodation in London, so I supported him moving to London with the plan to me eventually following him. So in terms of trying for the baby The only opportunities we had was when he came back home two to three times a month Or when I went to him In the December I was packing up his apartment

Where I now lived with him And I came across a letter It was a letter about him being released from prison My stomach drop I didn't know what to say or do How could this man have kept such a huge secret for me I called him and he didn't answer I sent him a picture of what I found

And asked him to explain he rang me upset and apologised he said that he went to prison for fraud and that he was forced to do something and if he didn't, people he loved were going to get hurt. He didn't tell me any more details as he was working and said he'd tell me more later. I withdrew from him as I felt like he had broken my trust.

I questioned what else he had not told me about his past. This man that I was planning a future and a child with I asked for space and he gave it to me. A few days later I found out I was pregnant. I contemplated terminate. in the pregnancy and when I told him, it wasn't this happy and joyful moment I had visioned for us. It was a conversation about what to do now.

I remember him saying to me that if I murder our child because of his past, I would have committed a worse crime than he did. So we agreed to leave the past and the past and move forwards, although I deeply struggled to do this. From the December to February, I was living in between the northwest of England and London. I had left my job and lived off savings I had. whilst trying to find work in London, I struggled to do this

so I found a job back in my hometown and he agreed I'd move back there and he would join me once our child was born. To cut a long story short, my granddad passed away in the 29th of April and my world fell apart overnight and struggled with dealing with the grief, the guilt, the relationship and my pregnancy. I was unwell throughout my pregnancy. I had gallstones and I lost a lot of weight. My partner was there as much as he could be and I confided him one night

that I was struggling mentally after losing my granddad. Little did I know he took it upon himself to share this with my mother and grandmother. He shared that I'd been diagnosed with prenatal depression, but they were not to let on that they knew. This made things worse. I had people overwhelming me with their concerns, and I just wanted to block everyone out. I was coping, I was working full time,

going to the gym, and I even saw a grief counsellor. He messaged my best friend expressing his concerns, and she assured him that she's known me for over 10 years and that I was okay. I had my daughter three weeks early and my consultant prepared me that she may have to go into an eanatal unit due to her size. She was born £5.10 and was healthy. It's amazing what our bodies can do. Two weeks after her birth, we went in for a check-up and she had dropped down to £4.8.

We were both admitted, me with an infection in my stitches. All tests were done on her and it concluded that I was to solely breastfeed her and she may have lactose intolerance. On the day of our admissence to hospital, luckily my mum was with us my partner drove to London and stayed there for a week he did text to drop in and check in on us

inside I was furious that he upped and left when I needed him the most after all we were in hospital for a week having all sorts of tests on our daughter but he was too busy to come back our relationship continued to decline even more so after this

we had numerous conversations me instigating them telling him I wanted us to split and he refused he told me that if I left him he wouldn't have anything to do with me and my daughter, which I have a recording of. Nice.

And on that, it sounds crazy looking back. I started recording our chats as he would agree to things and then deny them or say I made them up in my head. I felt like I was going stir crazy. He would lie about the most random things, like he used to dye his hair and there would be tiny sponges of dye on the walls. So I always said to him, let me do it for you.

It takes five minutes. I heard him in the bar for him, rustling noises. I asked him if he was dying his hair. and he said no. No, my grey's just gone. He went to the effort of going to the outside recycling bin and hiding the dye box. That's so weird. But that goddamn idiot left the cheap box dye clothes in the shower.

Seriously, all these little lies added up and drove me even more crazy. One of the more suspicious lies was I had a camera in the kitchen as I had a puppy and there was a playpen in there and I could check in on her when I was out of the house. Some nights I'd hear him in the kitchen moving things As he permanently slept downstairs on the sofa I checked the camera and he'd be doing something in the dark God knows what I still don't notice day really I spoke to him one evening about contributing to the house to buy household items He gave me his Argos store card and told me not to go crazy

I think I spent 300 pounds on outdoor furniture and other household bits A day or two later I gave him the card back and told him what I ordered He accused me of stealing his card and we had a big argument over it. A few days later he came home with some of the order. However, he told me the outdoor furniture was broken so he couldn't get it. I'm sorry since when do Argos unpack and build furniture when you buy it. Honestly, I didn't even question this. I just said okay. Thankfully, he went back to working in a children's home and I would occasionally still go to London, so I didn't see him that much with his shifts. And some nights he would go and spend time at his friend's house

so they could get stoned together. Fucking loser. That was her, not maybe other way. But still, but I can lose her. I didn't care about him and just wanted him out my life. We didn't have sex as I couldn't stand him near me. Don't get me wrong as much I loved his lies and manipulation tactics. Part of me loved him and wanted the family unit for our daughter. He wasn't overly involved with her. God forbid I left him with her to see my friends or go on a dog walk.

It was like he couldn't wait for me to come back. I used to cooking breakfast to soften him up to say yes to looking after her so I can have some me time or clean the house. In addition, this man had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. He would drink my spirits and fill them up with water. Wow. I'm not a big drinker at all. And there was two to three occasions he drove home 30 to 40 minutes from Liverpool drunk.

I wouldn't say he was an alcoholic, but he definitely pushed that bar and it scared me. My escape. COVID. Our final talk before the end, we both genuinely agreed to give it another go and try and get our relationship back. I kept feeling uncomfortable down there. I contacted my GP and they kept treating me for thrush, BV. On the fourth time of me, contacting them, they sent me an STI kit to rule it out.

Yes, girls, this man had given me the wonderful gift of the clap. As if living in an asylum wasn't enough. I was livid inside, but I knew I had to be clever about this, as if I went in all guns blazing, he'd find a way out. So I had my treatment and stayed away from him. I knew about this for two weeks before I told him. And in those two weeks, I arranged for the locks to be changed. I moved lots of the household wheels into my name

and started packing his things. Oh, dumb. On the day of him finding out he was riddled. I sent my daughter to my mums and told her. She really liked him and told me to try and work things out. Of course, I didn't listen. Good. We sat down and I told him,

and he denied it and begged me not to end our family unit. He told me again that he wouldn't have anything to do with me and my daughter if I did. One thing for sure, he never accused me of cheating on him. He refused to leave, and that night he was working, so the locks were changed and his stuff was put onto the driveway the following morning. Me and my daughter went for a play date with a friend. I gave him one opportunity with my uncle to go and get the rest of his things, the larger items, so they hired a van and did that.

He told me he moved in with a friend and that he would come to see his daughter. I went out to work whilst he had her in my home and we continued like that from September to November. In December he started not showing up or messaging an hour or 30 minutes before he was due to come, letting me down. and this pattern did not go well with my employer so I stopped asking and started making other childcare arrangements

he didn't see her over Christmas or even asked to he asked to see her in March so we met up in the park I bought my dog and stayed about the park play area with her whilst my daughter was with her dad aka sperm donor he kept saying to her I'm your daddy say daddy I remind him she knew her her dad was

and I was told to shut the fuck up so I walked away My daughter was one and a half at this point. I did the bigger thing and stayed calm and collected. When we left, he said he wanted regular contact on his terms, not mine. I agreed at the time to appease him. Then came the demanding texts of having her full weekend straight away and I said, no, I wanted it done slowly and gradually for her and myself.

He called me controlling and a few other things, and damn right, I was. She's my everything. So yes, when it comes to her, her well being, I am controlling and I'm, fine with that. This man did not pay a penny towards her, nor did I ask. And when I did ask, I was met with a no, you chose this. And he's never attempted to see her again. I've contacted and sent him recent pictures of her and nothing. I've been in touch with the CSA and he's denied parentage. So I took her to the GP for a DNA test, which was so hard so I knew deep down what it was for and felt judged. Even though the staff were lovely, it was emotional, but I kept

that all in until that evening. Something went wrong with the DNA test, so the company asked for a new one. I took this as a sign that it's not meant to be as I found out around the same time that he was working with my uncle. My uncle is not part of my family through his choices and my auntie has a restraining order against him.

So I thought that there was no way in hell she was going to be around him as he's done and said some awful things to my family. So now I've moved on, I've met someone else and he's a great role model for my daughter. Although strangely enough, my current partner received a miss call from my ex's number last year. So God knows how he knows about him or where he got his number from.

As me and my current partner aren't big on social media, so that's a mystery. I ask him to block the number and I've blocked him. That man has no space in me and my daughter's life. And if he wants to see her in the future, he will have to take me to court. I mean, look, I think in situations like that, people show their true colours. We've said it time and time again. You can't get someone to change. You have to accept who they.

are and you might want them to I think there's lots of us who give people different chances hoping for the best hoping that when they become a father or don't want to just be discriminative a mother that that might change but for some people that's just the way they are yeah and I think it's so easy to look back and like hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it I think that also I know I can speak for myself and probably you as well it's also very easy to give someone advice when you're not in it. You know, and you want to give people the benefit of the doubt. And you want that family unit that we all so like crave and whatever.

But thank God that you've got rid of him. He's shown that there is no purpose for him in your daughter's life. Your granddad was right. Yeah. They always are. Yeah. Yeah. Do you, it's funny because the thing is like,

if you met someone and you introduced your mum and, you know, your sisters to him and one of them or two out of three. No, I would listen. Well, weren't keen. Even if you really liked him, would you just call it off? Really? I just think, I'm not going to say much. I think that's really important to me now because I actually think sometimes you

could be quite blindsided by someone or you might not want to see something in someone and I think the people around you only have your best interest at the heart. and look there were things that were said about ex people where they were never liked by family members or certain things about them and they turned out to be true and real and not that I would ever regret what I've gone through but I just for me

I think sometimes maybe my vision can be quite clouded about this it's hard like we've spoken about it before like in dating, sometimes you like, you live in this fantasy world about what this could be, how this could look. Like, and you, I think sometimes you'd get carried away and lost in it. And I think sometimes, especially that I just trust, I think where they've been right about certain things,

I think I would, yeah, now. Yeah, I don't know. I would always want them to like the person. Like, even like my first boyfriend after my divorce, parents really liked him my sister liked him but just said that she didn't get it okay your sister's quite brief my sister's very hard to please

my family bloody loved my first boyfriend but that's so that's the thing is I don't know how much I would want to take it on board because I don't think she might like my one of my sisters is very she has always been like to the point and like my last boyfriend is the first person she has ever been like she was like I'm obsessed to them

yeah so cool can't wait to try yeah so but yeah it wasn't like that with other people like absolutely despise them my sister when I introduced James that was the first time that she's ever like approved so yeah I don't know

I guess time would tell anyway product of the week Okay, my product of the week is a bit random today. I bought these new belts. Yeah, no, they're just to be worn, not to be whipped. Sorry. I mean, they've got lots of uses. And I just thought, if you're watching, guys, they're really cute.

They're brown. Look, they do loads of colours. These are, I think, £12 each. And I got them on Amazon. And I thought they were really cute. I'm loving Amazon at the moment for clothes. So I just thought I would let you guys be aware that, like, Amazon, tops. I've got some nice t-shirt. They do good jeans. They do good bags. They do good belts. Take a look at

Amazon with clothes and accessories because, yeah, I was looking for just like some simple belts for my nice jeans. So, yeah, there's my product of the week, guys. Should do a confession? I'm currently single and have been for eight months. I'm very open with my friends about my dating life. However, an old flame has slid back into my DMs. The reason why I haven't spoken to him in so long is because he's been in prison. Another one. My friends know that I'm talking to him,

but I'm not going to tell them where he's been because I know that will mean they don't want me talking to him. I don't want anything to be serious, but sometimes it's just nice to talk to someone that you're familiar with. Girl, did he murder someone? Why is he in prison? Yeah. Like what is...

I feel like prison's quite a broad umbrella. Why? So some cases acceptable. Like if it's fraud, we can work with that. If you've killed someone, that's where I draw the line. Like, what's acceptable? I don't find the whole bad boy thing attractive. I thought you were going to say you do.

Yeah, I love a tag for you. I don't love that. I'm not a bad boy kind of girl. What's your green flag? Tag on the ankle. No, it just doesn't work for me. No, anklets are not my thing on a man. I'd like an anklot, to be fair.

A little cold, cute one. Not a time. Yeah, for summer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, affirmation of the week. Okay. Got one? I'm in my quote here.

Okay, let's do it. You know me. You've got a good heart, even when you make mistakes, even when you try your best and it doesn't work out, even when you snap because you were angry and frustrated with the world, even when you're annoyed at yourself and others, even when you're caught up in an anxious loop even when you fall asleep

with tears in your eyes even when you feel like a burden to everyone even when you are caught up in your past even when you feel so stuck in your head and you feel like you're making everything about you even when you second guess and doubt yourself even when you have a critical self voice that says otherwise it can be easy to forget

so a gentle reminder you are lovable and you are loved and you are trying your best and I see you for it cute love that thank you you guys so much. Keep sending in your emails, your confessions of the week. And we love you. Love you. Bye. Bye.