Not As We Planned - I Found Out My Husband Had A 16-Year-Old Son I Knew NOTHING About

Episode Date: October 7, 2026

Imagine receiving a letter and discovering your husband has a 16-year-old son you knew absolutely nothing about. One listener had spent years believing his version of how a previous relationship ended, only for a child-support letter to reveal the truth. Now she’s trying to process the fact that her husband kept an entire child secret from her, while working out how they eventually tell their own 10 and 8-year-old children that they have an older brother. And the biggest question is: after a lie this big, how do you ever trust someone again?We also hear from a gay listener who’s been secretly sleeping with his married straight male friend for the last year. What started as one drunken night has turned into monthly meet-ups with pre-booked hotel rooms, all while he’s friends with the man’s wife. He’s now developed feelings and wants to know whether his friend could actually want something more. Oh, and then he casually reveals he’s had sexual encounters with seven of his 18 straight male friends.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. We hope you are stunning on this fine day. Mm-hmm. How are you this week? I think, do you know what? I'm sure like anyone, everyone, everyone, everyone, can probably relate. I think I just get to a point where I'm just a bit like, there's not enough hours in the day for me to actually do

everything that I need to do. And then whatever I don't do on that day, it then goes into the next day, but then there's more to do. And it's just like, I feel like I'm just like a hamster on this wheel,

round and round and around. It's like, I don't get at what point am I? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And then I feel like, for me at the moment, I feel like I either do my work or I sort the house out

and I always end up choosing the work and then the house looks like fucking... You've got a boyfriend who cleans it up, but I don't have one of them. Yeah, but then when he's doing night shifts or like he goes home with kids. I'm like, for fuck sake, where is it? But like even just an example of like yesterday for me, I was out from the school run

to the time I got home from your house. So like I left the house at eight. I got home at 11.30 at night. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, there's washing in the washing machine. Oh, God, is it going to smile? I'm going to need to put it on again. In the end, I was like, fuck, this shit, I'm going to bed.

So I went up there, did my skincare, went to bed. Obviously, woke up really early, rushed to get here. We're filming loads of episodes. I'm not going to get home until the kids get home. Then I've got to do with them. Then I've got to do dinner. And then I'm like, oh, now I've got two days worth of like, breakfast from yesterday is still in the sink.

And then it's just this constant chasing. And then I'm like, but I've got to work tonight. So again, it's work or the house. And that's where I feel like I'm just constantly chasing my tail. And in an ideal world, if I could have someone, maybe just come to my house and just do like the dishwasher, the washing machine, and sort out my clothes and tidy my house only three times a week. I'm not asking for much. So if anyone wants to do that, free of charge, I'd really appreciate it.

Yeah, I get it. I mean, I feel like I've got all that. And I'm trying to, like, get this house sold. And I've got all this, like. And then I guess you've got the pressure of keeping your house tidy because you went out viewing. And then I've got all this stuff going on with accountancies. And like I've also like trying to get a day's work at a local gym. So I guess I try to get a date.

And that. Like yeah, I don't have time to date. But like I've got. Yeah, I feel very overwhelmed. I think for me what's really annoying is like tomorrow morning, Friday is obviously a quite short day for me. Because my kids finish school early. I've got plans tomorrow morning with friends and I'm meeting one of my friends. and I'm meeting one of my friends new babies.

It's not something that I feel like I can be like, sorry guys, I've got too much work now because I feel like that's like a big deal. And I'm like, shit, I really needed that morning just to play catch up. And then I've got plans, it's my kid free weekend. I've got plans on Saturday Day. I really could have done with that Saturday day. Again, catch up.

And then it's like that, where's the balance of like this is what I've really like, I don't want to just not do? I agree. On my kid free weekends, I have had somewhere. I've literally just either worked or cleaned. And I'm like, and then, oh, it's a shock. you've hit burnout, you're doing nothing for yourself. Like that's why I've been really strict.

Like, I do make a couple of plans on my kid free weekends and I have to do them because otherwise, even though this weekend just, no, the weekend before was, no, yeah, this was my kid free weekend. It was a weird one because I got my kids back on 4 o'clock because it was Milo's birthday. Fine. And then we were out Saturday day.

Yeah. And the Friday night, we went to a mediumship night. Oh, yeah. So like, but the rest of my weekend I spent cleaning and working. But I always need to have some of those things in because otherwise I know I am someone that hits burnout quite regularly if I don't look after myself. And it's a promise I'm making to myself is to get better at that because I am shit at it. I know, but you know what?

There is sometimes days where I have dedicated a day to like, you know what, I'm going to do my returns. I'm going to clean that. Oh, yeah, but I love that. I feel so good. No, I do that too. It's just the juggle. That's my day tomorrow is like life admin work day. I wish I had that.

And I realized in the car on the way here, because I'm still not used to my new routine, but tonight my kids are with their dad, I'm used to him then dropping Milo to me on a Friday morning at 9 o'clock, whereas now I don't get them. So I'm like, oh, I can get up early. I've got to go test drive a car. I've got like accountancy stuff.

You can get shut down. I've got people coming around my house on Sunday, so I'm like, I need to do a full-blown clean. So that is tomorrow. I'm going to talk about my mediumship night. I went to. For those of you who have been listening for a while, you'll know I am quite a spiritual person anyway.

I've never done a mediumship night, but I spoke about a few months ago. It was shortly after Dad died. I had a reading with someone. It was actually her who hosted this night. So it was... How big was it? It was in a small hall.

There was, I'm trying to work it out, about five rows of about, I reckon 50 to 60 people there. So it was like a decent amount of people. Actually shout out to two of our listeners who were there. Cute. Saw one of them in the toilet who came to our event. So that was nice.

Share it. Love that. And also my dad tried to talk to her mom at some point in spirit. So I'll talk to you about that. But yeah, so I obviously had a really amazing reading with this woman six months ago. I saw that she was doing a mediumship night. It said to my mum and sister, fancy it. And they're both quite open-minded as well.

So they were like, yeah, absolutely. And also the timing, like my mum have really, really struggled that week. I think she got out of bed like two days in a row. And I'd had a really bad week with it. And that is the thing with grief is it's not linear like anything else. You can be getting on with things. You can be focused on things. And then it will just creep up on you.

And it can wipe you. And that's something I'm perhaps leaning into a bit more is like not this week, but last week, I felt completely consumed by it and nothing I could do could get me out of that space. I think like one of the things I've really noticed is like the biggest trigger in my grief is being in situations where I just know my dad would be able to help me. Like it sounds really silly but I've been trying my car's up for like my car, I've got to get my car back. And where I don't have like a partner or anything, my dad would have been my go to person to be like, is this a good deal?

Like, what do I need? I don't know anything. And for me, it's moments like that where I realise he's not here. And it, it flaws me. Like, I can't explain it. But when I say, like, it consumes me and I can't get out of it. And sorry, I'm like spiraling to like a million different conversations. I actually did speak to this amazing charity.

I'll quickly speak about it now because it may be accessible in your area. It is called Cruise. cruise grief support have a look at them on Instagram this isn't an ad or anything I had a phone call with a lady for about an hour which is my new grief friend

and they offer free one-to-one counselling over the country it depends on your area if there's any accessible so for me at the moment there's none available just go on their website

is cruise CRUSE they also do like these amazing walks where people like walk like I don't know 10K in memory of someone and like when you're on the walk you're like talking and

sharing and it's so one of the key messages was like to always keep talking about them and I think that's a really lovely idea because I think so many people don't know how to help people with grief and they think sometimes oh we shouldn't be speaking about them but I know for so many of us like one of my biggest fears is that people stop talking about my dad um oh I'm going to get upset um yeah so even if you've not personally been through grief and your I don't know so you've got a partner or a best friend who is it's also really good for resources like that They've also sent me resources to help with the kids and stuff. Like there's just like this activity thing to do where you can make like a memory box

where all your family gather around and you put things like memories of that person and you tell the stories. And I just thought it was a really nice. It was just a really lovely conversation. Anyway, going back to my original thing. So we went to this medium night and I didn't know what to expect because I've never been to one. And I just thought there's all these people going. like what are the odds of my dad coming through?

And so I went in with the expectation. You may not have anything or anyone come through. But just to be in a room where there's that energy of people wanting to stay connected to someone, I think is quite powerful when you're in the position where you've lost someone. So we went, whose first throw? Of course it's my dad.

And for anyone who knew my dad, that would not surprise you. He was early for life. He would have been waiting outside like an hour before. And it just made me laugh. So like the first, I didn't clock it at first. So we sat there. And the first thing she said was like, it's like a dad and grandpa energy.

And my sister's like, I'm telling you his dad. And I was like, I was like, that could go for anyone. They were ridiculous. And then she was like, oh, like he, she like described him physically. And it basically was my dad like very slim, tall, whatever. And she's like, I'm telling his dad. I was like, you're being ridiculous. Like, stop.

And he was like tucking his shirt in. And then he was, he's. singing and he likes to sing a lot and he whistles and he likes to whistle a lot and Joe's going, his dad. And I'm like, that could be anyone. And she was saying he was singing happy birthday and whistling happy birthday to a little boy. And she was like, Collie, it's Milo's birthday in two days. I'm telling you. And that for me, I was like, that is meant to, she's like, a really little boy, singing happy birthday. And then I started getting like, all like these hebie-jeebies. And then like she went on to say about like there's an anniversary really soon and it's really important.

my mom and dad's 40 year wedding anniversary. Like it would be like just over a week after that. All this, I'm not going to go into too much detail because obviously some stuff is personal. But there was just stuff where I was like, that's not generic. That's so specific. There was even something about like an imprint and a mould. And me, my sister and my mum were all wearing our necklaces with my dad's fingerprint engraved. And there was just a lot of stuff that came through.

and I felt so connected to him. Like I felt like it was exactly, we were all crying our eyes out. Yeah, it was exactly what I needed. But then even after that, like the other people that came through, like that, oh God, there was this one with these kids who,

well, one was 11, one was seven, who had passed. I think the seven-year-old was this couple's boy from years ago. Like, he'd obviously died as a kid in an accident. And their son was there at this night. and the there was the 11 year old boy I think it was his best friend

who had died from cancer and it was like there was no way you would have made it was just like she was unbelievable I'm gonna say her name because she's amazing

she's called readings by Leanne she's fully booked for her one to one she honestly it was incredible and then one of the girls who listens to the podcast her mom was I think her mom was one of the last people through And then my dad kept trying to come back in, like interrupt. That would be my dad again all over.

She was like, and then your dad, and maybe their best, like, maybe their mates up there. So we're just really nice. And I think there's something really special about being in a room where people have experienced loss and grief and having that respect and understanding and knowing everyone's there to connect. So, yeah, it was, I would definitely go again.

So I'm very open-minded to all of it. Yeah, I love something like that. Oh, my God. It was exactly. I got home and I just. like burst out crying. But then I was just chatting away to my dad for a lot. I was like, now I know you're there, I can tell you all this because I'm really

struggling with this. If you can give me some kind of sign that this is this, like, it was like, like, I just needed to know, like, because I do talk to him a lot. And like, I do ask his advice a lot. And sometimes I'm like, okay, I'm looking for the signs, but I can't see any. Like, can you hurry up, please? And then the following one in the morning after, I think, come on dad then. Give me another sign.

And I opened my front door and right on the doorstep was a white feather. And I was just like, okay. Yeah. So I love that. Okay. This is called the deflective man boy. I feel like I know a fair few. Hey ladies.

I've listened for over a year now and thought I'd finally tell my story. I've owned my house since I was 24. After splitting up with my ex-fiancee, I met said man boy two months later. Not ideal. and I was besotted by him and likewise. He moved him right away because he lived at his grands and didn't want to leave me. After about six months, I said that he could split the bills with me

because he was basically a tenant and he had no issues with this. Twelve months later, I fell pregnant, very much wanted. Our baby girl was born. Looking back now, I was suffering with a bit of PND and had very little confidence. He threatened to leave twice in the first 12 months of her life. I mean, no wonder you had a little confidence. Yeah.

I hate that. I hate it when people threaten to leave you. I've experienced that before. It's one of the most toxic things in a relationship. That, for me, would be such a red flag now if someone. Yeah, I feel like that is just, like, completely unacceptable. Yeah. Even, like, especially, like, in a marriage when people throw the divorce word.

Do you know what? Like, regardless of what my marriage was like, I never threw that word around, even though I should have. Even though I should have done it, I never, because like, no. It's just not, yeah. It's not disposable. It's not a disposable thing. You've committed, yeah. So fast forward three years of threatening to leave me every six months.

We put an offer in a forever home for the three of us. He left me two weeks later. Wow. Over a FaceTime call whilst I was at work. What is wrong with these people? Can you imagine? I'm just, just at my computer. Do, sorry.

Hi! I'm leaving you. Oh, hold on. I've got to go into a meeting. The fuck. Wild. I'm surprised it also wasn't on her birthday. You get a lot of, or Mother's Day or, you know.

Narcissess. So I'd sold my house and I couldn't afford this forever home on my own. So I went and lived with my mum and dad and started house hunting. I eventually found a house close to my parents. We started talking again after two months because he decided he missed me. Oh, that's nice of him. because I went no contact unless it was about our little girl and we would amend things.

Accepted that he needed help so he got therapy. Lo and behold, a month after I got in the house that I had bought, his stepdad told me he was no longer welcome, so he moved in with me. We got back together, he had two therapy sessions and then sacked it off at this point. That's the issue. It's the men that claim that they're going to do the work

and they do it for like a week. Like it's not that much of a quick fix. I made it very clear that he needed to give me £250 rent a month and pay for shopping because I wanted to give him a chance to save money and show some clear commitment to me after four years and a child, house eventually and a ring, etc. One year down the line of living like a fucking freeloader, he tells me he's really struggling to save.

He's got a good job, he's on 3K plus a month and he needed to find ways to cut down. I told him to give me £300 every month and I hid it in the house for him as he couldn't save via a bank account like a normal person. About a week ago on Saturday night, he was going to a manager's party in the local town

and tells me he's absolutely not drinking a lot because he wanted to save, but he doesn't know what time he'll be home. Fine. He came home at 1.30 in the morning and slept on the sofa, absolutely gattered. I went on his phone to look at his transactions. We had an open phone policy

and he'd spent £200,000. on a night out that he was supposedly not going to be drinking a lot on. He woke up in the morning when I came downstairs with our little girl and said, how's my girls? And I just told him, he's 31 next month and completely

financially irresponsible. I told him he had nothing to show for his life apart from our little girl and she cost nothing to make. I was totally done. His response, whatever, and went and got in my bed. So I went upstairs and asked him

how his night was and he told me to piss off. We agreed to speak. and then I said, well, what are you doing in my bed then and in my house? Get the fuck out. I love that. Get out of my pub. He packed a duffel bag and came downstairs and told me he didn't trust me. I asked why and he said, I'm going on his phone, broke his trust and I said, cool. Bearing in mind, again, we always had an open phone policy from the start, but he just didn't choose to go on my phone. I told him I wanted absolutely no hostility and I wanted. I wanted absolutely no hostility and I wanted to eventually be great friends for the sake of our little girl.

I also said I wanted to find someone who makes me happy. Last thing I told him was you'll regret this for the rest of your life because you'll never get anyone who looked after you like I did. He went, yeah, probably, and walked out of the door and walked about two miles to his mum's still steaming that that's where he lives now. He's managed to save £3,000 in a year. This is including the £1,300 I saved for him hidden in the house. and what I've learnt was that he wanted the same things as me,

but how we got there in timescales were very different. Since then, I've had a message off of him every day dictating how childcare is going to be or just completely being hostile. The last message I had off him was, I have one question and feel free to ignore it, but what did you think would happen after you went behind my back like that?

Did you really think I'd be able to forgive you? I just ignored it and reiterated that I don't ever want to be with him now, simply because it felt like a huge deflection and not accepting blame as to why this relationship actually came to an end. I know it's all very raw. I have a great job. I love it.

And I've always been the breadwinner. So I know I'll be fine in that department. I'm just so frightened of being on my own and that nobody would ever want me as a 32-year-old mother. Everyone I've spoken to, friends and family, say that he's a loser and he'll never change because he'll never see himself as the issue. I just wanted to know your thoughts as a totally non-biased pair

and any words of inspiration for the future so that it feels less daunting. Thank you. Can I just say, I think so many of us when we come out of these long-term relationships and we've got kids and we're on our own think, oh my God, no one's ever going to want me. I think I can speak for both of us that we've both felt like that. And that's also just because of the way the kind of environment we've been in and, you know, we feel like we're, I don't know, damaged goods. We've got the kids, you know, we're, like I think there's a lot of misassociation with the word single mom. I think a lot of people look at it as a negative term, just to be honest.

I know certainly, like I've had, mostly men, comment things on my dating post, like, who is going to want a single mom, like, or lo, a single mom who thinks she's okay to have standards that high and stuff like that. And it's like, no, no, no. Like, actually becoming a single mom makes you so much more protective of who you do live into your life because your child is your world. But I also think it makes us far less tolerant of bullshit. It makes us far less tolerant of, you know, red flags, negative energy, all those kind of

behaviours. That's a story you're feeding to yourself. So you need to stop that mindset and be, again, start working on yourself, start pouring into yourself and realizing, wow, I'm a single mom. I'm the breadwinner. I'm doing this on my own. I'm giving my kid this amazing life. Like, we're okay.

We're going to make it. How amazing is that that I'm giving my child like this amazing role model? Like, wow, anyone would be lucky to have me to know I've got the self-respect to this, like the other. Like, we need to stop telling ourselves this narrative that we're a single mom, we're damaged property, we're undeserving of being treated well, we're undeserving of having high standards because that's absolutely not true. You've sat here and asked for advice from people who have gone through

becoming single parents, probably both of us doubting our ability to do that at some point. And dare I say it, we're thriving in that regard. Our kids are amazing. We're still navigating situations that aren't the easiest. But one thing that I have really learned and I really want you to take away from this is there isn't a hard situation that I haven't come out the other side of. It can feel like hell going through it. Believe me, like I'm still in the middle of some really shit.

things going on at the moment and the one thing that keeps me going is I'm going to be okay. That know how. I don't know the answers yet. I just know and trust that I'm going to make it through the other side and I 100% know that I'm going to look back in a couple of years' time and be like, wow, like how you got through that, I don't know. But even like now looking back at how I've navigated the last three years, I do feel so proud of things.

And that is going to be you because there isn't a single person. and who can't do it. And I think that's just a narrative you've told yourself. Yeah, I think that you're really scared to be on your own and that like no one will ever want you. Like I do really relate. I think that it's really, really normal to feel that way. When you've been with someone for quite a number of years,

you had a child with them and you had this whole life that you pictured in your head that you thought you were going to have and all of a sudden that's gone. But when you really strip it back and really sort of look at what, he was bringing to the table. It was, if anything, it was actually, he was making things like harder for you. It was like having an extra child

rather than a man that was sort of there to, you know, support you emotionally, like financially, just everything. It didn't sound like he even really did anything for you. I think that it's so normal to feel this loss because you've gone from having this person there to not. I remember even,

even though towards the end of my marriage, things weren't good, but it was still like the presence of having another person around the house, another adult. It's the habit, is where, isn't it? Just made me in a way feel, I don't know, safer, like I wasn't alone, but actually, I promise you, when you look back, it is so much lonelier being,

feeling lonely in a relationship than being on your own. Like they are too, very different things. And I think that you all embrace it. You will start learning to like your own company. The fact that you are financially stable, you have a good job, you've got a house, you're young and you've got a young child.

That isn't, you know, you're not on the shelf. Like you have so much to offer. Like anyone would be lucky to have you. And I think you need to start really like noticing that before you go anywhere near the dating apps or another man. Like know what you bring to the table. because the mistake that a lot of us unfortunately make is when we feel like we don't deserve that much, we accept things that are way beneath us. And then that's when we go into toxic relationships and we're accepting shitty men and it shouldn't be that way.

You know, just think of what you would want your daughter to aspire to have when she is older. and that I think is, you know, the thought process that you need to have moving forward. You're going to be so fucking fine. Mark my words. Your friends were right. He is a fucking loser. You can't force someone to be better if they don't want to be. Fine.

You were saving, helping him save and putting it away, hiding it in the house because he wasn't able to save on his own. That's what I might do from my. kids when they turned 16, not a man. Like, that's embarrassing. So we're not going to be doing that for men anymore, boys, whatever you would like to call this person. Be gone. Like, I know that you can't obviously cut contact completely. Try and keep it, boundary and mark my words. I want you to email in a year and you'll be the best version of yourself. I promise you. Okay. Man looking for a woman. woman's perspective. Oh.

Hi, Tash and Kali. I love the podcast. I only discovered your podcast one month ago, and I am binge watching the new to old. Love that. So, I'm a gay man looking for a straight woman's perspective on something. We're here. I have a friend who is a straight man,

married with three children, and I have a relationship with his wife, as we are part of a bigger friendship group. This time last year, me and my straight friend decided to have a few drinks, and it turned into a bit of a wild night out. He came back to my house. Oh, God. And we slept together.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. No, no, no. I'd never in a million years dream that he was anything other than straight. He initiated the whole thing. And when we woke up the next day, he said nothing. That doesn't surprise me. That's the bit that doesn't surprise me. He doesn't take accountability.

No, doesn't communicate. In the last 12 months, we've continued to have a monthly drinking session where he arrives with a pre-booked hotel room and we go back and spend the night. Sorry, I thought this was a fucking one-off. Aren't you friends with his wife? You're basically having an affair. You're friends, obviously, but he's friends with the wife.

I don't like this. Oh my God. Every morning, we wake the next day. He mentions nothing and leaves. He texts in our friend's WhatsApp group saying he had an early night or was away with work, but never mentions me and him were out.

I don't know how to discuss the subject sober with him. I don't know if he's gay, straight, bisexual or what. He's definitely not straight. I don't think he needs a label. He obviously likes you. I've started to develop... Oh, dear Lord. I've started to develop feelings for him,

but the fact he says nothing suggests is never going to happen. No, no. We need a word. See, here's the thing. I'm what's classed as a masculine gay man, so most of my friends are straight. I have about 18 straight male friends,

and I've had sexual encounters with seven of them over a 14-year period. Fuck off. I told you. Fuck off. Most men are gay. No, no, no, no. Fuck off.

Can you read that line again? I have about 18 straight male friends. and I've had sexual encounters with seven of them over a 14 year period. That is a 50% statistic. Fucking hell. I swear, this doesn't actually shock me because I actually do feel like a lot of men would just get sex from anywhere. They don't care.

So I'm left thinking, is this just a drunken thing? Do a lot of straight men dabble when drunk? Or do you think there is more to this? Thanks for reading. I think a lot of straight men would if they could. Would shag anyone and anything.

I don't think it matters if they've got a penis and balls. And I think a lot of men actually are secretly gay and don't want to admit it and enjoy it. Yeah, that's where you went wrong. You started that sentence with straight men. Yeah. They're not straight.

Yeah. They're not straight. I honestly, I think straight men do not do that. meaning those seven men aren't straight. I'm not saying that is an issue, but what blows my mind is that there are so many men. Denial. Do you know what?

If anything, it's actually sad. It is sad that like there's so many people. And it's probably women as well. So many people go through life, like not not feeling like they can be true to themselves, that they hold it all in. There's obviously still such a stigma. to just being...

You? Yeah, and just like wanting to be... Or explore. Yeah, but it's more, for me, if anything, it's more the, like, I wonder if those men are married and it's just, that's not to take it. I saw on one of our posts, I can't remember what one, because we've actually had a few where, you know,

we've heard a lot of emails where people have written in and it's like, oh, and then like... They've got gay stuff on their phone, like men on their phone. Yeah. And there's been so... many comments on those posts like this does not shock me so many men or actually there was a lot of comments from gay men who said they know so many of their straight friends are shaggy men and it's wow to me. Well no the thing is I guess like they are the people that are going to know about it.

Of course they are because it's the straight men that are well yeah it's the men that are not being straight men with non like other straight men it's with a gay man yeah so there must be so many men that are hiding their sexuality that just get that little release here and there with a gay man. It's great for us women. Like we don't even need to just be scared that they're going to go and cheat with a woman. They could also cheat with a man. I mean, we have actually had quite a few women cheat with women. Yeah.

Why can't people just like, if you, like, do what you want to do, explore, do whatever. Just at least do it single. Yeah. Let's not completely. Oh, sorry, you wanted advice. What was his advice? I don't know. I don't think there's more to it.

I don't think, I don't, well, you said you'd straightman dabble. I don't think this is your person, so you need to just fucking stop. No. Stop shagging him. Yeah. He can't communicate. Why would you want a man like that? Like, seriously.

You don't have feelings for him. If you've never had like pretty much by the sounds of it a conversation with him where you're not both sober. Yeah, that's, you don't know him. Like, what is the, what are the feelings that you're, you might like the feeling he is inflicting on you. But I just cannot believe. that in that email, I thought it was obviously like a one-off. And didn't he say for the last 12 months?

Yeah, they do a monthly pre-booked. So it's all premeditated as well. But that bit doesn't surprise me. Do you want to be his sidepiece? No, you don't. Your fucking main character energy, sort it out. This isn't the love of your life.

This is a man who can't even come out fully as to who he is. It's someone who can't communicate. It's someone who is only willing to do those things when he's drunk. You deserve someone who wants to walk down the street and show you off and be fucking proud to be with you. Every single person is so deserving of that. You're not a dirty little secret.

You're not trying to beg someone to come out as to who they are. You're also friends with the wife. Like, just have a bit more self-respect. You deserve it all and not him. You deserve someone amazing, someone who, yeah, who wants to shout about you. Please just stop doing these monthly sessions and be like, I can't do this anymore. This isn't what I want. Also, because I feel like as time goes on and like you're saying, you're getting feelings for him, that's potentially going to stop you meeting someone who could be your person, who could give you everything that you want in a relationship.

And I just don't want you to limit yourself. Yeah, I think it's hard to completely give advice when I'm not in that situation. But I do think that I appreciate it must be very hard. Like when you're openly out there as gay and then you're almost having a connection with someone. that isn't, like, you know, that's hiding their sexuality. It's frustrating. I think that you are just so much better off. Like being with someone that also is just like the same as you, like owns it.

Like, proud of it. Like, it's just mentally as well for you to almost like, I don't know, you're sitting there hoping that he's suddenly going to like come out and leave his wife and you're going to run off into the sunset together. Like I just don't think that that's particularly realistic. Get rid. I need more emails from you though. Like I need to understand more.

I would like some more details of like these other men. Can you email us again? Because like that's alone my mind. They're seven. And I imagine that all different situations. What area are you in? Like I wonder if I know any of them. Not that I wouldn't tell anyone.

Like can you just like give me some details? Anyway, thanks. Yeah, thanks, babes. This is called child 16 years later. Okay. How would you handle finding out that your spouse has a 16 year old son? that you never knew about. Oh my God.

Whose birthday is the day before your own son's 10th birthday. I also found out. I'm out. I'm out. I'm out. Right. I'm now hosting a loan. Now, what the hell?

I also found out my spouse hadn't been honest about how that relationship ended. For years... Still there. Still married. For years, I was told one story, only to learn through a child's... support letter 16 years later that she had actually gotten pregnant. Now we're navigating child support while keeping this from our 10 and 8 year old until we feel that they and we are ready. I've put so much work into individual counselling and honestly feel like I've grown

tremendously through all of this, but I'm struggling because it feels like I'm doing all the healing and work while my spouse isn't really doing much on his end. At what point do you stop carrying the weight of both of you, what would you do? I cannot imagine how hard it would be to feel like your whole relationship has been, that there's been such a significant lie told. The commitment this man has made to keeping that from you,

which is something so big. That has blown my mind, yet probably still not completely shocking. It's probably the other two kids. It's, but also like, I think you need to recognize that what you're experiencing is also grief. Grief, like the life you were sold and thought you were living is actually quite different because this man has a child. And this directly impacts you and your future and your kids' future. And I think I can really empathize with the fact that you feel like, you're kind of like accepting what the situation is.

You're trying to work and figure it out and come to terms of it and cope with it. and your other half is literally, by the sounds of it, not doing a lot to help the situation. I guess, like, what can he do? But you either learn to accept it or you don't essentially. Yeah, right. And I think that's only a decision that you can make because I guess it depends, like,

if you're going to use, like, the fact that he's lied to you, and look, for me, I think that's a massive breach of trust personally. I think it's a different level of betrayal. Sorry. It would make me question everything. everything, your integrity. It would make me question everything about the relationship. If you feel like, and look, you may only figure this out over time,

if you feel like this is something that's going to impact the way you feel about him, that's going to impact whether you can trust him, that's a situation you need to work out whether you want him to still be part of your life. Because that would stump me. I'm not going to lie, I don't know if I could be with someone who's kept something like that for me. I'm telling you now, if I was in your shoes, that man would be fucking gone. I'm sorry. I actually think, and I think this is a big thing for us to say with all the emails we get,

I actually think that is probably one of the worst types of betrayal that we have read on this sofa. Honestly, hand on heart. The fact he's lied about the whole relationship breakdown as well. He's hiding a child. There is another person who is now in theory a fucking adult and you've known nothing about. about it, I would literally feel like the biggest fucking moron and they've got a 10 and 8 year old. Like, imagine, even, I'm trying to picture now, even if I went to my children who are 8, 8 and 5, by the way, like, you have a sibling who's six years older than you.

And I, sorry I did tell you, because I didn't know either, but your dad did, because he's been paying maintenance for the last six years. No, I, that, I, actually, I'm in shock. Like, I think that is beyond. I think that is worse. That's worse than an affair in my art, I think. I think that is genuinely worse than an affair because, no. I just think, I don't know how you come back from something like that. No, me neither.

And I like, who goes to you for, like, doing the counselling. Like, the fact that you're also, like, I appreciate that you're holding back from telling your kids yet because you're trying to process it and figure it out. Yeah. That is good. But there is no easy or good way. or write time to break that sort of news to children. Like, that's wild.

And also, like, you only found it out because of a letter. He didn't tell you. Like, he was, let's be honest, it's been six years. No, no, no, he was going to be hidden for the rest of your days. Yeah. What else is he fucking hiding? Sorry, where else, what other children does he have lurking about? Valid.

Yeah, he might have a little clan. No. Keep us up on it. Sorry. Product of the week, got these beats headphones. I do get asked about gym headphones and I have had some.

I've had a few in my time. I don't personally like AirPods in the gym and they fall out. These are over the head ones and they are noise cancelling, really good sound and they're not too spennie and also these are brown. I just think they look really nice.

They do come in other colours but they are absolutely fabulous and I feel like the charge on them last ages and they fall dark. They fold up. So we will link them for you. But I do get asked a lot of Racco's for gym headphones. So yeah, get those ones.

Cute, like them. Aesthetic. So they'll probably be on them, Prime Day. Okay, confession of the week. I once drove past my ex's house to see if his car was there. Turns out it was. So I... So I drove to Tesco, bought some eggs, drove back, threw them on his car.

and drove home, it's safe to say, I really enjoyed my evening. Have you ever eaten someone? So many times. Did you? No, I'm a good girl. Oh, loser.

Yeah, it's good when you mix it. No, this is what I had spoke to Theo about. Just because someone tells you you're a loser doesn't make it true. Get the violin out. Yeah, it's good when you also mix it with flour because then it like turns into a bit of a like clayy, sticky consistency.

Or also, cling film around the car. They can't open the doors. Stunning. Just a few ideas, not ones I've necessarily done. Right. But I don't like, I don't vandalise to a point where it's going to damage a car. Affirmation of the week. And this one is like, I think like the woman who was like questioning who would want her

and feeling not like how she's going to be as a single mom. And I think this is going to resonate with a lot of people. Go. The hardest thing to believe about the way that you feel is that it's only temporary. I know that. that your mind is consumed right now, suffocating, and it's like you can't find a way to think about anything other than the things that are causing your anxiety. These feelings don't last. It may not feel like it right now, but this feeling will fade. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but you will smile again and you will feel like you again. You will feel happy and full of life again. Nothing is permanent and that's the bittersweet part about life. That's why it's so important to appreciate the truly amazing parts and people in your life whilst also understanding that the bad days won't last forever. You're so much stronger than you think you are right now and think about it. You've gotten through every tough day in your life so far and this is no different. Love that. So here for it. Thank you guys so much. Keep sending in your emails. We'd love some updates from you. Head over to Patreon if you want some more episodes. And but see you soon. Love you. Bye.