Not As We Planned - I Trusted Him 100% Until I Checked His Phone

Episode Date: May 13, 2026

We discuss our most toxic traits in a relationship, when you get warned about your partner on your wedding day and when we discuss that two happy homes is better than one unhappy home!Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi, you're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We planned. We hope you're good, we hope you're well. We hope you're having a fabulous day wherever you are. We really, really hope that. We actually really do. We really hope that. What? You go there? I go first. I'm still thinking. What's my news?

I actually did something really out of my comfort zone. I feel like you guys, if you know me, you'll be proud of me that I did this. But I took myself out on a little solo day. I felt like it was just something that I was ready to do. And I did it. And it was really cute. I went to Wagamama. I think I asked people.

My front date. Hello. Hello. Hi. Delivery for you. Do you want to leave it at the gate or do you want you to come? Leave it at the gate, please. All right.

Thanks. Thanks. Leave that in. It depends. How tall are you? Are you naughty? Oh, nice. I'll take their heads.

Noddy! Anyway, where was I? So I think I asked a few people, like, what would be a good thing to do on my family? solo day and a lot of you said wagamama I feel like it's not too awkward to sort of like sit on your own and there were actually quite a few people that were on their own there was actually a guy on his own how cute would that be if like he ended up being like is this seat taken and then and like there was romanticising my whole evening I mean he was actually completely not my type and he

was about 15 years older than me anyway it was actually really nice evening who knew I was such good company. Like, I just had great banter. I love, like, dinner on my own. It was nice. And it felt awkward at all. I think when I first said, like, table for white. And in my head, I was a bit like, looser.

You know, and, like, you're inside, like, intrusal thoughts. But, and then I was like, no, fuck that. Like, bad-ass bitch. The waiter was actually really sweet. He was like, oh, like, good for you doing your solo day, like, giving confidence. I was like, thanks, babe. I feel like as well there's this big movement towards like independence and like you're not needing people. And it's really not like I feel like a few years ago people might have looked at you on your own and been like,

whereas now it's like yes queen. Oh cool. Yeah. Girl queen. No, no, it was nice. And then I don't really feel I have what anything else to update at the moment. Yeah? Nothing too exciting.

Milo got his place in school. So my life is literally going to change in September. Yeah, it's going to be so different. At the moment, like, for me to go from school to nursery back home, like, it's nearly an hour. So I'm going to gain an extra hour and I've got two days that I normally spend my my life free. So I feel like I could be so much more productive. I'll hold you to that, by the way. Well, I'm going to do more things for myself because I'm lacking that at the moment.

But I'm going to go to the gym with five days a week when my kids are in school. So that's exciting. And we're going to take over the world then, no? Of course we are. Well, you already are. But, yeah, it's just this really bitter. sweet feeling. So obviously it was all released last night. And then I felt like I wanted to like tell someone, be like, he got in. And then firstly I thought his dad would be like, why the

hell you text me at midnight. And also like I've texted him. He hasn't even written back anyway. But I don't know. It's not like it's a big thing, but just not having that person to like be excited with. So this morning when Mila came into my room, I was like, guess what school you're going to? And he was really excited. But then I think he was a bit confused. It's like today. I was like, no darling September he goes you know they don't really have a concept of time Rome doesn't have a concept of time he's like

when's that is that the next day or something like that and I was like no darling like it's quite a few months away it goes so soon I was like oh this is wasted I mean honestly like it's like me when I'm trying to explain to Rome how long he's having his cast on for I don't think he realised how long it's absolutely going to be it is really hard for them to like grass with that concept

I wish I didn't have concept of time same but yeah Other than that, not a lot's going on really, guys. Just plodding a long life. Yeah, there's no dating, there's no hating, there's no mating. Like, it's so funny. What else rhyme?

A little bit of rating. And I'm just here waiting. Oh no, we're going to... I'm such a lyrical genius, I can't even help it. Hold on, we're going to need to write a song for the tour. The rate no dating, but I'm waiting. No mating. What's your writing?

Five stars. I don't know why I do that voice. It just like brings that in a ghetto girl. So I put on my stories the other night. This is a bit of Tash. We were deciding who was going to put what on their stories. And Tash was like, maybe I should do that as well. Yeah, because basically, I think we know this.

Yeah. Look, I wouldn't say that I'm toxic like, like, as in like red flag don't date me. But I am a bit toxic. She arms it, like. Yeah, like I feel like if you know it, then it's not as much of a problem. It would be worse if I was like... Is that a thing? I think it would be worse if I was like trying to manipulate someone into believing I'm good.

Like, I'm not. I'm bad news, but I'm your bad news. No, it's like, you know, I can make the bad guys good for a weekend. That kind of vibe, you know? Like, whatever. Who doesn't like a bit of toxicity in their life? People are in a long-term relationship. Yeah.

Maybe that's... I've got wrong. No, but the thing is, that my toxic trait, okay, so basically, the thing is, what is your most toxic trait when you're in a relationship? What's yours, Carlo?

Let me think. Give me yours. I have a few. I think my worst one is probably either making them jealous. Or starting an argument. I don't.

think I'm toxic. The thing is like, okay, but... I used to be... On reflection and taking accountability from my toxic traits, is I now know why I do them and I don't do them as much. So, for example,

the reason why I think I used to like to sometimes make a boyfriend jealous would be I wrongly associated jealousy with care because my ex-husband never remember. remotely showed any ounce of like jealousy or anything. And also he didn't care. So I felt like if someone showed that they were a bit jealous,

they cared, yeah. Then it was like, oh, they really, really like me. So sometimes I'd maybe like test the waters a bit and be like, so this guy that I sit into my DMs. And if they didn't, yeah, like, lull. I wouldn't like make stuff up. Like, I'm not that toxic. I just overshare intentionally to get a bit of a reaction.

I've got one. I've got one. So my toxic trait was like, I bear in mind I haven't been in relationship for like a long time. This is at the very, very start of my first relationship. So bear in mind, I had a lot of trauma. Yeah, yeah. But mine was like, I think what I needed was reassurance,

but I would be like, I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Like, you know, like, I just. I would not be like this now, by the way. Like, I fucking know my worth. But I did like, I would just like make it like, say negative things just because I wanted, like, to hear positive things and like to hear how amazing I was. Yeah.

When I could have just asked for that, I just need, like, if I would have learned how to articulate that in a way to be able to fulfill my knees. But I wasn't ready for a relationship when I had one. So that's what I did in order to get what I wanted. Can me just please make a note that in my next relationship, I won't be doing these toxic traits, okay? Like, I'm aware of them. And again, with an argument, only really ever saw any emotion in my ex-husband when

we were in conflict. So sometimes if it was a bit plain sailing, I'd like to throw in a few things here and there just to pause a little... Oh, we've got another one. Oh, see, do you know what? Turns out I ain't the toxic one. No, this was like, this isn't like in a relationship

that someone's pissing me off and I want to be toxic. I'll just write Kay to a message. I feel like you done that to me. Okay, I've never engaged you. But yeah, like... I thought it was good content. So like, actually, I probably did this in my last relationship. But again, I wasn't healed.

I would never do this now. Actually, I think I used to do. Like if I knew that I wanted them to know like I was pissed off and I'm not willing to be like a bigger person and like they made their point. I'd just be like okay. Yeah. Rather than being mature. But I am mature now. This is the thing.

I feel like the way I would be able to show up in a relationship right now. Oh my God. That next man who gets me is so freaking lucky. And I'm not even just saying that. It's because I know my work. I know the work I've done on myself and I know how I'd be able to show up. So, yeah, I'm coming your way, babe. Yeah, so let's see what some toxic traits are.

You're ready. So your most toxic trait in a relationship, self-sabotage a lot. I think that's a lot. Yeah. Picking fights, hard relate. Oh, that's a guy. Oh, I really, really am not that person. Started treating him like an assistant, felt like an intern.

I am the assistant to my ex-husband. I sometimes feel like I'm his PA. Oh, so do you know what? This is actually, I reckon so many of us do this without realizing, okay? Constantly testing them without them realizing, hoping they pass my internal testing process. I think women are so guilty of having a particular expectation or hope that a man is going to do something without communicating that they want it done. And then they get pissed off when they don't do it and the man is none the wiser. Yeah, I agree.

And actually I feel like it's the woman who needs to learn how to communicate their needs rather than just expecting a man to know what it is they want. want because guys men are simple creatures they do not think the way that we think and I think sometimes they need a bit of guidance to be told or communicated with to be like this is what I like this is what I don't like because I do feel like I used to sometimes set someone up to fail that you were setting them up to fail like you know they're not going to do that so then give them a heads up and let them know what you want rather than being like and when he doesn't do what I want which he doesn't know that he's meant to do I'm going to go in on him I think a lot of women do that stalking them online, which is why my WhatsApp ticks are now off.

I guess that's like a bit of an insecurity, isn't it? Like when you're like feeling the need to stalk them and stuff. I really, really, I know this is like sort of off topic. But for me, and I know that you have, well, your blue ticks are on, I really find it red flaggy. If I started talking to someone, just say I was talking to someone on an app and then we went on to WhatsApp, and if I saw that they have no online status, no read receipts and...

The no read receipts. I don't like. Yeah. I always think that's weird. Who have you done that for? I don't mind if their last scene is off. That's cool. Yeah.

I don't have that on. But like online and blue text, I find just a bit shading. I don't think, does my online go on? I don't think so. I don't have that on. No, you used to. Yeah, I turned it off when I ended my relationship in. Oh, really?

Yeah, I don't. My last scene is on. I don't care if people know that I'm last seen. If I haven't messaged you back, I'm doing that on purpose. I like not everyone. having access to me. Yeah, no. Yeah.

But the, the tip thing. I think it's because I find it triggering. I just think it's shady in a man. I don't know. Okay. I create problems in my head and then react to them like they're real.

I have so done that before. Yeah. Oh my God, same. Like, as well, I also think, like, sometimes say there's like a gap in silence or you haven't heard from someone or something like your head,

so you've got little bits of information and your brain concox like a story. as to what that is. But then you end up convincing yourself that, like, it's real. And then you're pissed off at them. And, like, I think sometimes you've got to really take control of, like, okay, what is the information? How have I jumped to this conclusion? On a scale of me, knowing their personality, how likely is this to be true?

Okay, probably not likely. Like, it's bringing yourself back down. I think we're so guilty of all creating that narrative in our head and then acting as if it's actually happened. I read into tones slash messages way too much and assume the worse. This is why hate text. It's why I hate text. text messages. Or like a long silence.

I'm like, oh cool. You are the worst of that. I know, I know. And I've had to call you out. I know. I'm like, yeah. I used to be bad. I think I'm not, I think I'm more aware of it now.

And I also think I'm really bad at responding really quickly before I've even read to their whole message. I'm actually like, yeah, you are. And then I like, do find myself. I'm like, pause. Maybe let's read the message first. Let's take a set back. Let's come. You don't have to reply straight away.

I've got a lot better at that. Yeah. I always reply when I like to gather myself. But it's funny because I think Carly and I have definitely now worked out in our working relationship with like other people externally. Like who is good for which part of the working. Do you know what I mean? We have.

So when something needs to be, what do I do best? You're quite good at like in a bit. No, like if we need. No, I think when we need to be like really assertive. and to the point and it's like, actually, no, we need this done and this done. That's where I come in.

But when there may be a bit of like controversy... And also you want to maintain like good, healthy relationships with people, brands, companies, work and relationships, I feel like I'm probably better at that. Yeah, so in other words, when there maybe can be a situation where maybe someone hasn't handled something very well and you need to go in at them maybe slightly calmly, that's when I take a step back.

I'm quite good at that. Yeah, I'm trying. You don't need to. We've got each other. I feel like we compliment each other in that well. Like the other day you're like, Carly, I think you need to. Yeah, Carly, this is your remit because I'm about to fucking blow a fucking fuse. And then if there's something I don't know, just say, for example, we go somewhere and it turns out like they're saying that we can't get in and we've got tickets.

I'll be like, move out the way. Yeah, I hate stuff like that. I hate confrontation. Hold on. say no to a refund. Yeah. Move out my way. Hold my poodle.

I'll get out of the refund. Yeah. Yeah, cool. Okay, I keep mental notes of everything they've done wrong and bring it up later. That is so toxic. That's a really good toxic trait. It's true. It's great, though.

I've been told I should be a defence lawyer. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've also been told I can argue with a brick wall. I'll take it as a compliment, to be honest. Okay, this is an interesting one. I joke or deflect instead of having serious conversations. I feel like a lot of men do that. I don't know.

I don't know. Oh, God, this is us. What? I try to fix people instead of accepting them. Oh, God, hit me in my core. Yeah. Yeah. I stay longer than I should because I see potential.

Sorry, you read it my dog right? Okay, this, we all do this. I'm sorry if we don't do this, you or not like a woman. I compare myself to their exes or other people constantly. Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah. It's like when you are my ex-boyfriend, his ex was blonde. And I was like, see you like blonde's better than.

Oh my God, that was the same with me with ex-X. So stupid. Every person that he had been with. I was really insecure when we first got together. Like my self-worth was on the floor. Whereas now I'd be like, converted you, babe. Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Very different people. I sometimes seek attention from others to feel desirable. What? What? He's like, I'm like, no, no, no. I can relate to that probably like younger or not in a relationship. I would never ever.

Like if I'm with someone, I'm loyal as they come. Like my eyes do not wander in the slightest. This is a really good one. I shut down instead of communicating and then I get annoyed when they don't chase me. Literally here, I shut down and go cold rather than communicate how I feel. Yeah. I think a lot of people can do that. Yeah.

Especially you like more avoidant personality type. I'll tell you what's quite toxic of me. Actually, maybe it's not toxic. But I think in the past, I've noticed when that is being done to me. So I'm like, cool, I'll win. I'm not coming to you. Which really helps towards the resolution. No, but one thing that was toxic of me, which I really changed.

I feel like I grew a lot in my last relationship was I would never be the one to come forward in an argument. I would never be the one to sort of like wave that white flag. And I feel like I ended up doing that all the time in the end. Yeah. Look, like, all jokes aside, I know I'm not joking that I'm like this really like toxic. person, when I'm actually in a loving relationship, I'm not a cunt. Like I am actually. It's a joke, but it's not, but it is, you know? Yeah. And I feel like all of these were just when I had no self-worth. Like, it's no secret. I got into a relationship very quickly after my marriage ended. I've been single for like, God, like a year and four months now. It's quite a long time. Like, I'm excited for how I'll be able to show up. Just need to find someone who I want to do that for. Okay, we're going in. I feel so stuck, a completely shattered heart.

Hi girls, first day I want to say I absolutely love the pod. Thank you for what you do. It genuinely feels like assisting my friends who just get it. And that's why I finally built up the courage to write in. I'll try and keep this short, but it's more of an overview and backstory on a 14-year relationship. Go back 14 years, I'm 21, and I meet the perfect man. Of course, now, at almost 35, I can see this was probably the classic love bombing. We met in October 2012 and I instantly fell in love.

He was seven years older than me and I felt like he was a proper man with his own place and his life together. I moved into his flat and everything was great and I felt like the luckiest girl alive. I would say some cracks started to show around six to nine months in, things like gently putting me down and a lack of intimacy on his part. But in all honesty, I ignored any hint of a rare flag because I was madly in love.

And if I'm really being honest, I haven't really felt worthy of being with someone so amazing. So naturally, any issues I blame myself, everything was my fault. Fast forward to 2016, we get married abroad with all our family and friends. Everyone thought we were a couple girls and his best friend's wife took me to one side and told me he wasn't trustworthy. On your wedding day? On my wedding day.

I brushed it off that she was a bit drunk and a bit gobby and maybe even a bit jealous. The years following our wedding... Sorry, sorry, that is so fucking weird. Yeah. The years following our wedding, we injured four years of fertility troubles. I had four miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy and fertility treatment. After those awful years that almost broke me, we finally fell pregnant with our first child who was born in the height of the pandemic in 2020. We struggled with the usual things when having a child. My baby became my entire world and he didn't really like that our relationship was put on the back burner. Personally, I feel like this is natural

when you have a baby. If you can survive those few years of having babies and toddlers, you respect that man so much and love him even more. He disagrees to this day. After having trouble conceiving the first time, we started trying again when my first was just over one years old, and surprisingly I got pregnant straight away. I would like to point out that it was the first time we had had sex since getting pregnant with my first. Wow. Really. I would suggest it, but he refused and said having sex when I was pregnant freaked him out. Then you have many men think that way. I think it depends on the man. Some people would have sex whenever and I think like we've said it before like don't flatter yourself your penis is not going anywhere near the baby. Yeah, I think it's weird.

I think it's a fucking excuse, let's be honest. Yeah. Then you have postpartum and when I felt ready again he felt awkward and said I was forcing it just by bringing it up or even sitting close to him on the sofa. That first time having sex when I conceived our second was awkward and I felt really sad afterwards. after the birth of my second child during labour he sat on his phone during my contractions he ate my post birth toast hold my poodle that toast is like

sorry what I'll be like midwife and then full of sleep straight after oh my god do you know what I mean if this wasn't a fucking sign I think I was so happy when I had Rome in COVID and I could just be on my own with Rome and he had to go on.

I was on my own for a bit because we had Theo at home. I was left, exhausted, holding the baby, with not even so much of a well done. I really suffered with postnatal depression, and he was nowhere to be seen as any kind of support. He constantly ignored me if I was crying. He'd literally walk out the room or house,

left me alone, and I would go as far as saying he avoided me, even when I explained my thoughts were scary and I was struggling. Jeez. I write him long letters, messages, begging him to be patient with me and reassure him I loved him so much, but I was struggling. He ignored all of his. this, never a response or anything. The only thing he said to me was maybe you need to get help

and I was ashamed and so low. At six months postpartum in my second I pull myself out of a dark cold by myself. I attended therapy, started taking more care of myself and I started to see the light. I thought everything was good. I started pouring myself into the relationship, asking for date nights, quality time, sex and intimacy. He would say yes, but never followed through. After a while I suggested marriage counselling and he agreed. We went and he seemed to be happier and working through things and he started having sex again. When my second child was about 18 months old, a friend made a comment about my husband being away a lot recently and that's stuck in my head. I trusted this man 100% more than I had ever trusted any other person to be honest. He was my everything, my entire life

and he wouldn't ever hurt me. He wasn't even that into sex, right? But since you said it, I did start to question things, and he had been working late a lot, so I decided to look at his phone. To my absolute horror, I discovered messages. They were inappropriate. They were talking about meeting up that night, a night he had already told me he was out. I confronted him instantly, and he said, oh yes, you guessed it. It was just a girl from work. They hadn't done anything.

It was just messaging. and yes, he was going to meet her that night and something may have happened if he'd gone. Why is he saying it so casually, like he's just going to get like a glass of water from the kitchen? I'm so confused. I just knew in my heart that wasn't true. The messages sounded too familiar.

They didn't sound like they'd just been talking for a couple of weeks. A week later, after he had sworn repeatedly on our children's lives, that it was nothing, this girl's fiancé called me and told me everything. It turns out they have been together and in a relationship for six months. They had gone on weekends away, date nights and more, whilst I was at home struggling with post-native depression,

barely surviving and desperately wanting him to reconnect with me. What a fucking waste of space this man is. Oh, my gosh. He did this all whilst he was attending marriage counselling. I was just smart to say. And it made me physically throw up. I also found out that he had been sleeping with her, unprotected, and then coming home and sleeping with me on the same day.

Nice. Trusting. Cross contamination. Ugh. He had slept with her and then attended his own child's birthday party just hours later, arms around me, acting like the perfect family. He shattered everything I believed in. He made a fall of my family.

I spoke to the girl on the phone and she told me she herself was heartbroken that he had pursued her, telling her he couldn't leave me, or I'd stop him seeing his children. He initially blamed me for the affair, saying it was all my fault because I hadn't prioritised him. They always do. I asked him, what about me asking for date nights, asking for intimacy, etc. And he didn't really have an answer.

And eventually the gaslighting and blamed turned into begging me not to leave. I found this out almost two years ago. And maybe surprisingly, I did say. But honestly, it has broken me. I have never felt so alone and so hurt. It felt like he had left me for dead. It sounds dramatic, I know. But at the time, I genuinely did not think I would survive the hurt.

I still feel this far down the line in shock sometimes and have that gut-wrenching feeling I did at the start. He does everything right now and swears he will never hurt us again, but I don't know if it's possible to forgive after someone betraying you so badly. I don't know if it's possible to rebuild after something like that. I'm still in therapy. I have been the whole time and it feels like he should be too.

I also don't know how to leave. I don't want to miss out on days of my children on that family unit I never had. He's all I've ever known and the thought of uprooting my children's lives breaks my heart. I feel completely stuck between two painful options. Thank you so much for reading.

I would really appreciate any advice. Please keep me in on this. Can I say, like I think that, you know a lot of the time when we read situations where something has happened in a relationship where the trust has been broken or they've cheated and then you're sort of stuck, but you don't know whether to stay or leave.

You've stayed for two years and you sound, utterly miserable. And I think that... Hang on, pause. It's my front day. Hello. Hello. Hello.

I've got three... I've got chained for that. Yeah. That's right. Could you leave it by the gate, please? Yeah, that's fine. I know that I've got them out of it. Yeah, that's fine.

Thank you. Well, you know, like, to surprise people. Thanks. Bye. You're single? He sounded as funny. I don't know.

Why is there no camera? Don't know how funny. Keep that in. That's funny. Keep that in. Oh no, no. No, no. No, no.

No, no. No, that was fucking hilarious. Excuse me. You single. Oh, yeah. Got a pink shovel for you, darling. Where do you want me to put it? Tick you up my bum.

Oh. Ouch. Anyway, back in the zone. I think that only you can decide whether the way that you're feeling right now in this marriage, in this situation, whether that's enough for you for your life. Because I think that if it's been two years and you've been doing the therapy and he's been doing everything right now, I don't think like anything's going to really change. And I think that I don't want to sit here and tell you what to do. I don't want to sit here and tell you that you should leave. I know it's really, really hard to accept that when a family is broken up,

that you're not going to spend as much time with your children. But wouldn't you rather the time that you have with them be while you're happy and thriving and in a good place, rather than having them 100% of the time, but being flat and on edge and in that fight or flight? Like, I just don't think that that's what life should be like. I think we're just so fixated on this two-parent household with the two-and-a-half kids and the happy life. But you've got that and you're not happy. He has broken your trust.

He has betrayed you. And unfortunately, you can't forget the past. If you're not willing to completely leave that and move forward, which clearly you're unable to, then I think only you can make the change, but you either stay how you are now or you go through a bit of short-term pain for what I believe is then a longer time going.

I think as well we need to normalise being scared to leave. It's the unknown. It's meant to be scary. The thought of doing something that isn't the life you planned, isn't how you thought things would go, that's completely alien to you, particularly like you said you've been in this relationship for 14 years. 14 years.

It's a really, really long time. And I think we need to normalise. That is going to feel. scary but sometimes the scary option is the better option sometimes it is sometimes it is taking that leap of faith that this isn't going to be the rest of my life i i've lived two years like this i can't live another 10 years like this miserable on edge not trusting someone not feeling happy like i just think as well life is so short life is so short you don't know what's around the corner and we've said it before like both tash and i it took tash a lot longer to leave than it

it took me to leave but we both left and we both did the scary part of becoming single parents and missing out on time of our kids and so many of us have had to battle that and that is one of the hardest things i found is missing out on that time of my kids but trust me missing out on time with your kids is that that's a little sacrifice you have to make for your happiness like for me I do not regret how my life has gone. I think it also makes you value your time with your kids more purposeful. It makes you really appreciate that time you have together. And knowing that I can show up as my best self,

knowing I'm not being absorbed by the atmosphere around me and I'm having, you know, I'm being this negative energy. Because kids are sponges. There's no way that your kids aren't going to be absorbing this. And I can't, I can imagine like, there's probably times where it's quite hostile around you and it's not particularly loving. Do you all your kids to grow up thinking

that's what a healthy relationship looks like? Because that's not. That's not what we want our kids to aspire to have. I also just think with what you've said, I think that yes, it is hard to let go of losing some of that time with the kids. But I actually think that that experience of becoming a single parent,

having to go through the pain, growing from it, has shaped me in a way that I'm so happy it happened. I'm a better person for it now. Obviously, I'd rather have just been the better person in a happy marriage, but like this is the plan, this is, you know, what has happened in your life. Use it for the good.

And I think that sometimes pushing ourselves into a situation that we maybe didn't want initially is what ends up making us the person that, We should be. And I think that you will surprise yourself that I feel like the positives from coming out the other side of a divorce definitely outweigh the negatives of what we actually had to go through in the process of it. I've had this conversation really recently.

I feel like I do it when I'm speaking to people like from the apps and stuff and like they, you know, and I explained to them like, I was in a marriage, blah, blah, blah. And they're like, God, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, no, like I'm so grateful what happened because it forced. force me to do work on myself and change and grow and learn that I never would have done if I would have just existed. And it also allows you to reflect back and realize, you know, your needs weren't being fulfilled.

You weren't happy. And I know both Tash and I can sit back and look back and think, I actually feel quite sad for the people we were at one point, just accepting what we were and not being truly happy or fulfilled. And it's exciting, really, that we have another chance to. I mean even now if I never meet someone, that's cool because I'm actually so much happier than I was in an unhappy marriage. So it's not about basing or, you know, pinpointing happiness to being with someone better or someone that makes you happier. Even me being on my own now, I'm happier now than I was in my marriage.

Yeah, allow it to use this experience to allow you to grow and become a better version of yourself. Okay. 13 years down the drain, help. No, it's not down the drain. We learn. But I also like, can we maybe have some, like, happy emails coming in the time? Yeah, that'd be great. So maybe like something a bit of funny.

Hi, ladies. My husband left me five weeks ago. Wow. Fresh. I'm struggling to pull myself out of this hole, to be honest. Can we just say, like, I'm not surprised. And you don't need to be out of the hole. It's been five weeks, like being in the hole.

Yeah. Like, that's where you need to be right now and it's so okay. Your podcast has helped me so much in those really dark moments. So I thought it was my time. turn to email him. We'd been together for 13 years, married for 18 months, mortgage for two years and have a just turned one year old and almost three year old. I was suffering with postnatal depression and he worked very long hours in his job in the police. Should have listened when everyone said join the force to get a divorce. Yeah, I won't date a policeman. Things had been a bit rough

and I felt like I was really trying and he was pulling away for around a fortnight. One day I came home from work and he said that he needed space and was going to a friend. The next day he ended things. Then the day after that, he said it was too sudden and he didn't mean it. Then the day after that, he told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. He's been feeling it for a while and he felt like we were just friends and that he was there for our children. He'd recently had a new student at work, 10 years his junior, who I was suspicious of.

I found a few flirty messages on his work phone that he swears weren't flirting. but I'm not silly. He's still standing by them not being flirty. Can I just say like, if you think they're flirty, then they're flirty. How can he say they're not? Like, if you're uncomfortable with it, yeah. Yeah. Like I've since been told of gossip of them at work,

such as her being very openly flirty with him, him giving her lifts home, etc. He's admitted to the lifts home and he said that he didn't tell me as he knew it would annoy me, but not about the flirting. I've really got no choice to just accept what he's telling me. but quietly listen to my gut. I'm not stupid, but I also don't know what I can do.

I've done a lot of research into attachment types, and on listening to your podcast, I think this would help a lot of listeners. He is 100% a dismissive avoidant, and we have gone through an avoidant discard. However, he won't entertain any conversations about divorce, selling the home, anything in the future, and he says that we need to just let the dust settle.

He keeps saying that we need to think about what's best for the children and two happy homes are better than one unhappy home. But as far as I was aware, our home wasn't unhappy. And what's best for the children is their mum and dad working through whatever issues they've had to be there for them. I'm having more angry days than sad now and started to recognise that I deserve someone

who wouldn't walk out on me and my kids. I feel like overnight he's turned into someone I don't recognise and I can't help but think of how amazing our relationship has been. But because he's leaving the door, ever so slightly cracked open, but failing to recognize it is making moving forward so difficult. I feel like I'm stuck in limbo and I don't know where to turn. Thank you for all you do, both of you.

You're both amazing and I genuinely aspire to be as strong as you two are one day, we're very confused and broken-hearted listener. I've got to be honest, I feel like something that really stood out to me in this email is when he was saying two happy homes are better than one happy and you're disagreeing with him and saying that actually it would be better if you do just try to work on it. The latter is only better if you're both willing to work on it

and it sounds like he's not. But that little crack of the door that he is keeping open is probably just him breadcrumbing you to make sure that you don't make any rash movements once you separate. It's very clear at the beginning like one minute he didn't want to be with you

then he said that he changed his mind. I just think this man is a bit like unsure of sort of wants his cake wants the other bit of cake, wants to make sure you're still there, see how his other relationship is probably going, but make sure you don't go anywhere in case that doesn't work out. This man is having an affair, he's cheating on you. He hasn't suddenly changed overnight.

This has been happening under your nose, but you haven't seen it. And I think that you really need to take some time to reflect on the relationship that you believe was perfect, because it probably wasn't. And I think you need to draw a line and let this. man be. Can we also like recognise that you're five weeks in? So actually like that part of grief and that part of acceptance may not have actually

hit you yet. It won't have hit. So I think right now you're still, I don't think anything is concrete. I think right now you just need to feel what it is. I wouldn't even be thinking about like officially getting a divorce or officially filing it. You were still in such the early days and right now it's important to just sit with your feelings. everything you need to feel, write things down, scream, shout, talk to people about it. I think it's really difficult to make long-term decisions when you're in a temporary state of

emotion, when you can't think completely rationally. And I know... I don't think she has decisions to make. I think he's making it for her. No, I know. But what I mean is I don't think she can see clearly. I think right now she's putting him on a massive pedestal. I think she's romanticising him. We have this fixation on. working, got work on my marriage, we want to keep us together. But he's openly gone and had an affair. He's not treated you right. He's disrespecting to you.

He's lied to you. And he's saying to you, two homes are better than one. It's like what Tash said. It takes two people to make something work after infidelity or to make a marriage work full stop. So I think you need to focus on just processing your current emotions before you're trying to convince him otherwise because I think when you take that time

to step back, process and gain a proper perspective on your relationship, on what's happened and actually digest it and accept it, you might view things differently. I do think it's really fresh for you right now. I understand that feeling of not wanting to let go of the family unit, but you're being completely disrespected and this man also doesn't want it

and we can't change what other people want. So just take your time, process it, and try and listen back to us reading it out and try and step back and keep yourself a bit of time. Yeah, look, I remember so, so clearly, a moment that was probably one of my lowest moments in life. I actually was physically on the floor begging my ex-husband to want me, like love me. I did the same.

I think so many of us, I literally remember holding his face, crying and begging. Honestly, right now I've got like goosebumps all over my body because like I'm so upset for myself, like that version of me, that was begging someone to give me what should be so fucking simple. Yeah. And I honestly didn't think that life was worth living without him.

I can confirm I'm living much better without him. So I think when we're in that state of five weeks out of a bomb literally being thrown into your household you want to do anything to keep them but it's like Harley said taking a step back and reflecting on like what is it that you're really wanting because it probably was never there

I agree girls my confession of the week I'm currently in the process of getting ready for my fourth date with my ex-boyfriend to which none of my friends are aware of reason being he's a big red flag Okay that's a good start isn't it He cheated on me We broke up a year ago

However I really feel like he's changed Do you believe people can change I'm going on this date Really hoping that this is going to be The start of a new beginning But I don't know if I'm falling myself I think you know what we're going to say Go on the date get the food and then did you

Well Where's you taking you Depends where it's taking you Like still go on the day You're getting ready Yeah And also this would have gone Yeah yeah

Like I don't think you're gonna Yeah I think the thing for me is I think it's a real big telling sign When you're not wanting to tell people What you're doing So for me Yeah

Like so for me I think that You know what other people are going to say That in itself Like what is the reason Why you're not telling your friends It's because they're going to tell you It's not a good idea

I'm not saying that people should listen to what other people have to say or people's opinions but I think that when you don't feel like you can tell anyone what you're doing I mean it sounds like he's not really the best person to be going back to anyway

you've done a year without him like no you got this no okay product of the week do da da da right what are you getting out my neckler oh okay that's a bit more too

Obviously my dad passed away over a month ago and before he passed away obviously he was terminally ill he organised something with my sister he got me a necklace of his fingerprint so me my mum and my sisters all have one that we can wear around our neck so I want to shout out the company

it's Curry Elizabeth Jewelry I just think how sentimental Can I see come closer that is unreal Isn't it and so nice It's just nice knowing that I've literally got a piece of him around my neck, like close to my heart. And it just offers like that bit of, you know, it could be anything.

Could be your child's fingerprint. It could be anything. But I just thought like, what a lovely sentimental gift. So yeah, it's Carrie Elizabeth Jewelry. Love that. I love it. So nice. Affirmation of the week.

I truly believe you're allowed to take as much time as you need to process whatever life puts in front of you. Healing, growth, understanding, letting go. none of it is meant to be rushed and no one else gets to decide this timeline but you. We all deal with things in our own way, in our own energy, and that energy matters more than people realise. If something feels heavy, step back. If something needs space, give it space. Nothing is permanent, not the chaos, not the pain, not the confusion and that alone is powerful. What you feel today will shift. What feels overwhelming now will soften. and what feels uncertain will eventually make sense.

Trust your pace, trust your energy and trust that everything moves when it's meant to. I mean, that like really, really relates. I have a lot of stress is going on at the moment and like every time I feel a bit overwhelmed, I'm like, the universe has a reason. Yeah, trust it. What will be will be kind of thing.

Thank you guys so much. Guys, please keep sending in your emails, your confessions of the week. And we love you. go and head over to Patreon if you want to get that early access for the tour tickets, which will be released soon. So keep an eye out and we will see you next week. Love you, bye.