Not As We Planned - I’d Just Given Birth When I Found THESE Messages On His Phone

Episode Date: September 16, 2026

Three weeks after giving birth, one Bestie woke in the middle of the night panicking that she’d missed an alarm to feed her newborn. She couldn’t find her own phone, so she picked up her husband��s to check the time… and messages from another woman appeared on the screen. She was still bleeding, wearing a postpartum nappy and caring for their two tiny children when she discovered her husband had been having an affair with a woman they both worked with, and it had been going on for months.This week we also hear from a woman whose boyfriend kissed someone on a night out, came home and abruptly ended their relationship, only to then ask if he could move back into their flat while they sell it. We tackle whether a four-hour long-distance relationship can realistically work when both people have children and lives they can’t relocate, and hear from a cancer survivor trying to date again after her husband’s betrayal left her terrified of letting another man in. Plus, Carly has another dating update, we give one Bestie’s Bumble profile a brutally honest makeover, and hear a confession that might genuinely make you delete Instagram and leave the country.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel like I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. We hope you're having a lovely day. You're all right? Funny, how yeah. Yeah, not bad. I had a really nice weekend actually in the end So my plans completely changed So my weekend I was meant to have like have a couple of dates For someone didn't go well We're not going to talk about anymore

So I was like right I messaged my best friend and I was like She moved into London and I was like What are you doing this weekend? Can I gate to crush your plans? And she was like yeah cool And we ended up having a really fun night in I can't remember we went somewhere in London

We were like riding around Boris bikes And we just had a great time on Friday night and then Saturday we went to Soho House in White City and it's got a pool on the roof top and it basically just felt like we were on holiday at a beach club. We sat there all day eating, drinking. We stayed there to watch football. There's some really, really cool people actually. Like I always find in those kind of places I meet just really like ambitious, cool people,

really cool businesses and that was just really fun. We stayed and watched the football. It was just really nice. I was thinking, cool, if I got an estate, like I would have missed out on a really nice weekend and I just thought,

how nice you can fill up your weekend with just doing things that doesn't have to involve like some lying man. And this is exactly why. I do have this rule that I don't tend to give up Saturday nights for men.

Yeah. I very rarely give up a Friday night. To be honest, I'll try and slot them in even my Thursday night or the Sunday night. I don't like giving up my main days. Yeah.

It's like tonight I've got a date. It's Thursday night. It's cool. Like, I've only been at home. Yeah. It's not like I would have made other plans. So I think just everything that I've kind of experienced recently just makes me realize, like, my time is precious. I'm not just giving it out willy-nilly to random men who I don't even know their first name.

And I'm only going on the date with this guy because, like, we've face time. We've done all my pre. I mean, maybe you should scrap your pre. No, I would never. Change something. No, because then I would be even more regretful. That I like what this guy's about is he seems like an actual good egg. You said that about the last one.

I did say that about it. This one's got evidence to voucher and I know his real name. How do you know? Because I've got his Instagram account and he's got... I can't believe you never told me that the social media that you had of that other guy. I'd never cocked. I'd never put it together. Oh, I'm very shocked.

But his initials are on one of his accounts. But he could have made that up. Anyway, but no, this guy's actually real and... This guy's real. Yay! No. This is what we're striving for. Real men.

I follow one of his businesses and, like, I've seen clips of him and like, it makes me like him. Like, I can tell that he's just a good person. You can tell that his name is real. I don't know if he's normal. Yeah, his name is real. That's all we need. That's what we're striving for. His age could be a lie.

Yeah. His situation could be a lie. His height could be a lie. His height could be like, oh, he wound me up with the height thing. How tall is he? I was talking to him and I thought, I really want to go on date with this guy. Like, got a lot about him. And then I was like, can I ask how tall you are?

I can't remember I can't remember if I'd seen it on his profile or not. And he was like, yeah, I'm 5 at 5. Oh, he was minding you up. But I didn't. So I just wrote, same, because I am too. And I didn't know. I didn't know. And I was just a bit like, and I sat there in my living room like, fuck.

Like, it's really annoying. Like, it would be like that someone I'm quite interesting is the same height as many. And then he did dot, dot, dot. And he was like, I'm winding you up. I want to see how you reacted. I'm 5 at 10.5. He goes, the point five is everything. I was like, that's fine.

That height's fine for me. My ex was five for. But imagine, so I'll let you know, like I could turn up and he could be five-five. He could have even put the feelers out there. So I don't know. He probably is. It's, fact, they had to say the point five shows that he's. He was like, I've heard the point five is everything.

Five foot ten would work. Five foot ten is fine. Five foot nine is fine. I'm not going to be picky these days. But I don't know. Five for eight on the other hand. Goal Hall. No.

I don't know. We'll see. It's what it is. It's actually my two-year anniversary. Is it? Yeah. Because, yeah, the thing is, so we were set, like, I said to him, like, what do we do about our anniversary?

Like, we did no contact for seven weeks. Do we push it back seven weeks? We were like, for what? That date means something to, yeah. That date means something to us. And please, go on, if it all works out, we'll get a new anniversary one day. Until then, like, we're going to start again. We're not a kid.

We're not going to push it back, right? Fine, okay, we've been together two years. years, minus seven weeks. Like, do you know what I mean? Fraud. Yeah, that's me. Fraudulent, untrustworthy, liar. Why don't we start Oscars with a little dating app? Okay, so dating app advice. Hi, Tash and Carly. I'm looking for some advice on my dating app. I seem to get lots of likes, matches, swipes on Bumble, but then no one initiates the conversation. I had some success on Hinge last year, dated someone for about three months, but that ended with him telling me he could didn't see a future as I have children. I mean, surely he could have known that before.

I later saw he entered a relationship with someone else a few weeks later. Can you please keep me anonymous or just refer to me as Laura? Fine. Let's refer to you as Laura. So let's look at these photos. So first photo we have got, I think this is hinge, isn't it? Okay, so you've got your name, your age and your first photo. For me, I was going to be able. I would change. I would change your first photo. I just don't think drinking a beer is like the best picture to have. Yeah, so you're sitting, you're wearing a nice outfit,

your hairs down, but looks like you're mid-drinking a Guinness. I feel like for your first photo, let's see your whole face rather than alcohol in front of it. That would be my first critique. Then the next photo, I'm looking for a long-term relationship, open to see where things go. See, look, your next photo,

I think is so much nicer. I'm going to see what your other faces are like, but the fact that your first two photos, you're holding a Guinness, it's already good, like... Yeah, you build up an impression. Yeah, so hold on. Let's see what the next one is.

You're holding alcohol in the third photo. So, again, it's a lovely photo. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I understand where people feel awkward that they're not holding something, they don't know where to put their hands. That's me. Yeah, like a handbag or something.

Just maybe not a beverage. Okay, then three other photos. You've got one way you're like outside of Water Fountain. That's nice. You've got one which is almost like a photo in the mirror. And then you've got one more. Again, you're holding a drink. So in four photos out of seven, I believe it's seven,

you're holding alcohol. I would change that because I think that this is actually bumble, it's not hinge. Although you have. put one of your interests is wine. Now, that's okay, but I think for four photos to be holding alcohol, for me, straight away, it would be giving like very heavy drinker. And that might be a wrong assumption, or it might actually be that you are, and that is

also okay. But I feel like that should maybe come into a chat and conversation rather than... I don't disagree. Here's her bio. Hello, I'm Laura. I'm from X, but living in X. I have two beautiful boys that I share custody of. I'm hoping to meet someone who has similar values, makes me laugh and is emotionally mature.

You are saying everything you want. You have not told me anything about you other than the fact that you have two kids, which you can put, have kids. I feel like you need to give a bit more. Yeah, wait. She written what I wouldn't even write what you're hoping to meet. I would just say more about you because you need to just be done. Who doesn't want someone with similar values that makes them laugh and is emotionally mature?

I feel like that's a bit. Well, I feel like for most women, that's a bit of a given. I know nothing about you. Like the bio is an opportunity to really like sell yourself. That's not selling anything other than where you live that you have kids and what you're looking for. Tell us what you offer rather than what it is that you want. Agreed. I hope that's helpful.

I hope that that wasn't too harsh. Yeah. The fact that you put in your thing that you have kids and yes to alcohol, I would maybe remove the change the photos. And maybe it's harsh for me to say remove wine from the. interests. Because it's okay that everyone had different interests

actually. You could have wine on there as long as you don't have an alcoholic drinking every picture. Yeah. Yeah. Keep us updated.

I want to see if that makes any different. And also, by the way, really quickly, you did say you get a lot of likes and matches but no one initiates the conversation.

Why aren't you initiating the conversation? I know that we both believe differently about this. I think just initiate the conversation like, who cares? Like,

just say, Like if you match, just say, just say something. I think you've got nothing to lose. If someone then doesn't want to reply, okay, call by. And it might end up opening a really nice conversation. And then you've gone on a really nice date with someone. I think we get too fixated on, I'm not going to do it because he should. Just do it.

Just rip the band-aid off and do it. Okay, long-distance advice. Hi, girls. They'll do with them. It goes about saying I love the podcast. You guys are the first thing I listened to on a Monday and a Thursday morning. I love that. So I'm writing in for some advice.

I'm a single mum to two little boys and have been single for two years. I've been on lots of dates and found myself in a few situationships that I've been absolutely fine with because I've not really wanted anything else. Anyway, I have somehow matched with a guy on Tinder who lives four hours away. No, fuck about. We don't know how this match happened as we both have our radius is quite alive. So it might be that you haven't clicked. No, Tinder's weird.

Oh, did you say it's Tinder? Yeah, Tinder's weird. Like, I've done that. Like, my radius is low and then I swiped on people with match and it says like 130 miles away. And I'm like, I've never been to Tinder. I think it could also be. I think Tinder's based on like where you are.

So you could have been near each other on a weekend. Like maybe one of you was travelling or something. Anyway, they'll always get you. We don't know how this match happened as we both have our radiuses quite low. But it did happen. We have clicked and gotten so well. He came up to see me last week and I planned to go down to him next week.

We face time most nights. He also has two boys who he does 50-50 with. He's very close with his family down south and they are a big support network for him and his children. My boy's dad isn't very involved and at most sees the children every other Saturday 9 till 6. So my time is very limited and I have to rely on my mum to help. My oldest is severely autistic, non-verbal, high needs and it's so important that I'm near my family and support network as well. I just want to hear your opinions

or if you have any first or second-hand experiences on long distance. I've always imagined when I'm next in a relationship that we'll be in each other's lives much more frequently than every other couple of weeks. This is, if we're lucky. And although I'm not planning a life of this man at the minute, I'm quite practical-minded

and don't want to put myself in a position to get hurt down the line. I don't like people that often, relate. I normally quickly find something I don't like about them. Is this me? even just after talking a couple of times, whereas this hasn't happened with this man. Am I setting myself up to fail or do I just go with it and enjoy myself? Any words of wisdom you have, I'm open to hearing.

Thank you again for your amazing work you do. My last relationship was with a horrible narcissistic, emotionally abusive man and you have helped me understand my worth and getting my confidence back. No. Four hours ago, I did two hours, babe. No. Honestly, everything you've told me, like, your son's severely or district.

You want to be around family. He can't move. He's close with family. No. Trust me that. If someone had come back to me at the start of my old relationship and said, Carly, I'm from your future. I'm telling you now this doesn't work.

I would have walked away then and just, let me just say, like a lot of hurt would have been saved. It's not going to work. And I think it's, I think sometimes we romanticize it. I'm like, yeah, but like maybe I'm overthinking it. I convinced myself of this. We'll go with the flow. If it's meant to be, it will be, life always has a way of working out. I was promised we would make it work.

It came to the point where we were at the point where we were thinking about moving in together and neither of us could do it. Neither of us could move. He had his life there, his job there, his kids there. He had his kiss 50-50. My life was down here. I have my kids more than that. Can't be away from their dad regardless.

Just, just set. Trust me, save yourself. You were going to move. And then in my head, I was thinking, what the fucking bogg off? I was like, oh, see ya. I was going to get a train into London every week. Yeah, just like... Don't do it.

Yeah. Like, four hours, that's the eight hour round trip. And with your son being extremely autistic, when are you going there? No. No. Save yourself, the ag, the heartbreak. Great that you found a man that you don't, you know, you see that you don't like people very often. It's kind of irrelevant if you can't see him.

The thing is, I have. manage to make long distance work, but it's one hour, very, very different to four. And his kids are older. And he has, he doesn't have them 50, 50. No. There is nothing that you could possibly say back to us that would make me turn around and be like, hmm, actually, now that you say that, it's like a straight no for me. Keep us updated. Sorry. Okay. This is called I need help with this. Hi, girls. I don't know if this is the right platform to message you on, but I thought I'd give it a go.

I love the pod and have learned a lot from it, never thinking I'd be the one writing in. I mean, we literally just said that about someone else, didn't they? I was with my partner for two and a half years, not even joking at the love of my life. I left my previous partner for this man and I didn't regret it for a second. We had such a great relationship. It was a bit up and down and we were quite on and off at the start. But when we got back together, I just felt like the luckiest girl in the world. and he would always tell everyone how we met and how lucky he was to be with me.

I did not see the breakup coming. He went out with his mates one night and kissed a girl in a club at 28 years old. Ew. I'm 26, by the way. He told me about this the next day when I saw him, bawled his eyes out and confessed the truth. He told me that he was unhappy in our relationship and that he wanted out. He took a bag and left the next day. This was three days ago.

I cannot understand how all of this has happened. so suddenly. How can the man I thought I'd won the love lottery with that do this to me? How can I've been so blind to how he was feeling? Is he using this kiss as a reason not to be with me? I've tried talking to him, but he just tells me that he's too ashamed and disgusted with himself to recover from it. I don't feel like I'll ever get the proper answers from him. We have a flat together and I'm going to have to sell it and move back in with my mum. As I moved to the area just to be with him, my hometown is an hour away. I'm going to have to start all over again, get a new job and start fresh, but how am I supposed to do that

when this has happened so out of the blue? It was only an hour before he went on the night out that he was telling me how much he loved me and how lucky he was to have met me and be in this relationship. I need help. We then got an update the next day, she emailed. Hi again, sorry for the second email, but there is an update. We spoke last night, had a big chat about what's going to happen next. We both decided to leave the relationship. which hurt me beyond belief to say to each other and to hear from him that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. He gave me reasons for not wanting to have sex because he is self-conscious about his weight and having feelings of doubt that he is bottled up about not communicating fully, which has spiraled into not wanting to be with me anymore. However, we've talked about selling the flat, but we won't be able to leave until August, September time.

He said that he wants to move back in and live together, not as a couple, but until we both live. until we both have to leave here, how the hell am I supposed to do that? You don't need to leave. And that's it. Hold on. He moved out and then he's saying that he wants to move back in and live with her. But not be a couple. But not be together.

He just wants to live there. No. We hold our boundaries and you need to set some firm boundaries here. That is not going to happen. You're not moving back in. It's a common. Like you left. Like you broke up with me.

We don't want to be with me. And you left and now you want to, he's obviously realising that actually. actually is much nicer being there. So can I just like live with you but not be together? Like you don't have kids with this man. He's an idiot. Like don't let him back in your life. I would literally cut him off and go no contact personally.

100%. There's no reason. Living near, are you joking me? He wants to do that because he wants to try and worm his way back in and we're not doing that. We're holding our boundaries. You're way better than that. Don't do it.

Also, I know that you might start thinking to yourself like, oh, he did kiss someone, but he came back and told him. me straight away like no honestly sorry I've got I've turned into it yeah no I think that you're still really really young don't be settling for

this sort of behaviour is not necessary fine I understand that you've been with him for a few years so it does hurt but you say he's the love of your life the love of your life doesn't go and cheat on you and tell you that they love you and they're so happy in the relationship and then the next day tell you that they actually don't want to be with you anymore that's not love

So, been him. My high school sweetheart cheated on me with a co-worker whilst I was pregnant. What's new, isn't that? Just every Wednesday morning. What do you know what I mean? Come on, come up with a different script. Come on, guys.

Hello, beautiful ladies. I hope you're both well. I absolutely love the podcast and also your journal. I love that. Just go and get one, guys. You know, we need reviews on it. Both are helping me immensely during a really shitter time. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you both

and hope that one day I'll be as strong as you both are. I will try to keep this short and snappy as imagine you get thousand upon thousand of emails and I'm not sure you will even read this. I met my soon-to-be ex-husband in year seven when we were 13. We were from Australia. He's the only man I have ever been with and was in fact my first kiss as well. Fast forward many years in May 22, we got married and at the time he worked for my family in the family business.

Shortly after we were married, he had a bit of a breakdown. He was unhappy with working with my family and desperately wanted a new job, which I wholeheartedly supported him in. During that time, I found out he was talking to a girl he met at the gym. At the time he told me it was just a friendship that distracted him from stress of working with my family and we worked through it.

Sorry, like the fact that he's trying to make out that it's okay, that just a random female was a good distraction from stress. That's what you're meant to use your partner for. Okay. You do you. In May 2024, we welcomed our first beautiful baby boy and a few months later fell pregnant with our second beautiful boy who was born in July 2025.

I should pause and say at the start of 2025, my ex was again in desperate need of a job. The place of work he moved to after he finished working for my family was closing down so I helped him get a job at my work. I should also say before our second was born, I felt that he seemed off. I noticed his phone was always faced down. On my birthday, I was only a few weeks away from giving birth.

He went out to play cards with the boys and didn't even sing me happy birthday. I did confront him, but he assured me all was fine. I feel so stupid looking back, but at the time I thought I was pregnant with his child and we also had a one-year-old and overawaited everything around the house for him, cooking all meals, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping and all the finance and life admin, as if he would be stepping out. After our second was born, we were having issues with our baby boy's weight. I was extremely tired and stressed having to feed him every three hours.

When he was just three weeks old I woke up during the night, panicked that I couldn't see an alarm to wake and feed him again. I couldn't find my phone in the bed to check the time, but I found my husbands. I touched the screen to check the time. And up popped all these messages with a woman. From work?

Another one. From my work. Saying how horny they were for each other and how they just wanted to rip each other's clothes off. I should say she's also married, so I never suspected her. He also never described her favourably at home When I read these

I was in a nappy steel bleeding From birthing his son And when I woke him to say What the fuck is this? He denied it Did you know what I would have done I would have taken that nappy off And put it in his fucking face

When I woke up to say What the fuck is this He denied it and deleted all the messages You didn't see it You're dreaming You're de lulu You're postpartum I kicked him out immediately.

It turns out it would be going on for months and she had also made toys for my boys which are now in the bin. Made toys? What is she? Like a fucking toy maker? Santa. She worked in a fucking wood shop.

Sorry, I'm bitch. I don't know. It's like wooden. In the workshop. Whistle why you work. What? You know, like an elephant. be like, yeah, I'm picturing that I've seen from Elf when they're all just like playing me

these wooden toys, shove it in her eye. Since then, I've been on my own with two boys trying and navigate life as a single mom, having everything I thought my life would look like being turned on its head. I've had to find a new job as I didn't want to return to work with him and the other women. He refused to resign. He still comes over to visit the boys, but only after they've been fed and baths. So he just comes over to be the fun pair of 45 minutes before he goes to the gym. where I believe he has already met someone. I thought I would share my story in case there is another woman who's gone through something similar postpartum.

It is such an isolating experience because most people in the newborn bubble and talk about enjoying all the newborn snuggles. That experience was completely taken away from me. Instead of, instead, all I did was try to survive day by day on my own with two very young children, although I should say my mum is a superhero and helps me out almost every day. I'm so thankful for her.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. Can I say something? I think, first of all, you're absolutely not alone with what you're going through. There's going to be so many people either listening to this email or just people that don't even know that this podcast exists, unfortunately, that are in the thick of postpartum and they are in an unhappy relationship, probably having fallen pregnant, knowing that they're being treated on or being treated badly or being emotionally abused. You're not alone and you will get through it along with all the other people that are going to get through it. I think that you've actually had, I don't want to say a lucky escape because obviously you have children with this person. But you know what? You'd rather know it now. Like let him fuck off and go and do what he wants to do at work or the gym. Sounded like you pretty much mothered him anyway. Like he needed a new job. You went and found it for him.

Then another place he needed a new job. You went and found it for him. Like you've already gone and done what I would have suggested would be you leaving and going and getting a job. It sounds like I feel like you've really got your head screwed on. You do everything on your own anyway. Yeah, I feel like you're not going to struggle. I know right now it's fucking shit. It is, especially when someone takes away that amazing journey that you're meant to have. But at the same time, like postpartum is hard. But it's harder when you have someone by your side who's a fucking asshole.

Or isn't it by your side. Yeah, actually, goodbye. Like most men that are pricks are useless during that period of time anyway. Evaporate. Yeah. evaporates small person. It's crap. You're in the thick of it.

You're going to get through it. And you're grieving. Be kind to yourself. You're grieving whilst being very hormonal, going through a lot of changes with your body, with yourself, with your life. And when that future that you thought you had is no longer the case,

it's fucking shit. And we're not here to play that down at all. We've both been there. Although it wasn't when we were freshly, you know, with a newborn. it's still... No, and look, you're grieving the future you thought you'd signed up for, you're grieving the life you thought you were going to have,

and you're also still processing everything that's happened and is still kind of happening in lifetime, and that's also okay. Like, it's also okay not to be okay right now. It's okay to feel bit helpless, feel a bit of shit, feel very overwhelmed, feel angry, feel sad, feel disappointed, feel hurt. Like, all those feelings are actually really, really important in the process you're about to go through.

like they're all natural feelings that you've got experience on that healing. Healing isn't linear, but what do they call it? Pigs and troughs? No. Ebs and flows. No. Up and down.

They call it the healing cycle. But it's not like, it's not just this to this to this. It's like. All over the place. Yeah. Some days you'll feel angry. Some days you'll feel sad. A lot of the time you'll go back to being angry and you'll go up and down.

But I've said it time and time again, the only way to get out the other side is to go straight through it. 100%. You will. Also, like you saying, like you wanted to email in, wondering if anyone else relates, I think that's what's really beautiful about Patreon and all the group chats that we've got. There are so many people on Patreon that are probably going through exactly the same thing as you. They may be coming out the other side, though it may be that they experienced it a year ago or two years ago.

So I think it's also a really nice way to join that community and speak to people and connect with people that understand it. So maybe that would also be my advice. Go and join Patreon and see if you can find that common ground with other people. people on there because that that is what it's for as well as maybe the healing journal as well. Did she mention it? I said the healing journal. Yeah. So really hope that you're doing okay and please do keep us updated.

Okay. This is called dating after trauma. Hi both. I recently discovered your podcast and I've binged every episode. Thank you for creating a safe space for women to tell their stories and for all the amazing advice that you've given over the years. Sorry, we haven't even pointed out. It was our three year anniversary.

It's coming out way too. I know. So, yeah, this is coming out a bit late. But, guys, we've been going around for three years now. We've been around for three years now. Three years. I mean, more successful than half the relationships that people talk about. It's longer than any of my relationships.

Do you know what I mean? So, yeah, shout out to that. Thank you guys. My story starts when I found out that my husband had cheated on me with one of his work, Colleen. What? No. I know. Oh, so weird.

She was half my age and gorgeous to make matters worse. Worse, yeah, that shit. Yeah, it's a bit of a bitter pill. But I was battling with ovarian cancer at the time. You know, they do, do you know what? That doesn't even shock me. You know, it's like statistically like proven that a lot of men, like, do not stay, stick around when their partner is ill.

Pigs. Needless to say, our marriage ended. I'm now two years on, cancer free. Love that. bought my own home and I am genuinely happy. Recently I felt ready to perhaps meet someone new. I got on the dating apps and one of the people I matched with straight away was a guy called Mark. We came off the apps quite early, exchanged numbers and I've had two dates, both of which have been lovely. You may be wondering why I'm contacting you when everything seems to be going really well.

When I'm on the dates, I feel relaxed and happy. He's a wonderful guy and seems incredibly genuine. He has also been through a divorce and was badly hurt, so we completely relate to each other and what we've experienced. However, as soon as I'm alone, both after and in between the dates, I start to freak out. I start making reasons up in my head not to like him. Maybe he's too short. Maybe he's too, maybe he has too good of a job or speaks too formally or I don't like his dress scent. I would try to find anything superficial to put me off him. I think I'm doing this to try and protect myself, because if I like him, then that could mean what happened with my husband could then happen all over again. And I think I'm trying to sabotage what could have actually real potential with Mark.

Did either of you ever experience this when meeting someone new after a divorce? If so, how can I help myself move forward? Please help. Thank you. Hard relate. And I think I do this with a lot of people. Although now they're giving me reason. It's like, Carly self-sabotaged so much.

And now she just manifests the people to not need to self-sabotage. No, no, no, I don't even think it's necessarily self-sabotage. I do think, I think it's different. If it's something like, I don't know, like for me, there was someone recently where I just, I just didn't fancy him. And I, but I was like trying to do the opposite. I was like convincing myself of all these things. And it's fine.

Like, it will grow, it will grow. But sometimes it's either there or it's not. But I've definitely been in situations where I have tried to self-sabotage. I did it in my last relationship. I probably did it a few. few times last summer when I was in a situation ship. I think you can almost have that feeling like, oh shit, like actually if I let someone in, there's a possibility I'm going to get hurt. And I have definitely noticed this about myself and I think the lover girl I used to be,

like back when I first met my ex-boyfriend, she's like, I don't know, she's a bit lost at the moment and it's going to take one hell of a man to bring me out of that, like, where I am now, because I think I am in this, like, protective mode of being like, can't let anyone in, can't let anyone in, they're going to hurt me, they're going to hurt me. But I also think it sometimes do not necessarily finding the right person yet. I think sometimes the right person makes you feel safe or, you know, like, I used to bring up, like, my worries or insecurities. And my ex-boyfriend was actually quite good at it, to be honest. Like, he talks to me and be like, do you think or maybe trying to self-sabotage because this maybe feels a bit too good to be true.

And I had open communication about that and I think I recognised patterns that I was making and I did actually take accountability. I think that gets to a point where if you're self-sabotaging so much, you maybe are not ready for it and that isn't so okay. But I think you have to get to a point where you're like, am I actually making up ideas? You know, is that actually maybe my gut telling me something or am I just not ready for this? And I think if it's getting to the point where you're,

literally after every single date you're spending with him, you're going back and doing that. That for me is a bit different to like at the beginning just being like, oh, like, do know, like I'm not quite sure about the way he dresses. I've definitely done that in my head. I'm like, I can change it. I'll take him to Sar, but do a little shopping spray. Like there are definitely things I've said to you, aren't there? Oh, God.

Yeah, 100%. I think the fact that you've specified that you're trying to find things that are superficial, I think shows that this is definitely like a self-sabotage rather than your gut, trying to tell you something. I think you just maybe need to give yourself a bit of lucker talking to and you've got two options. You can either try and start maybe doing some work on yourself

whilst you're seeing this guy because you don't want to ruin a potential good thing and sort of let your guard down a bit and be like, do you know what? You've got to be in it to win it. Like you can't, you know, expect to find a good guy if you're going to keep pushing them away or you realise, you know,

This is for me a sign that I'm not quite ready yet. I don't want to string him along. I don't want to lead him on. I'm going to call it a day and maybe risk losing a good one. For me, I got to a point where I thought, I'm actually willing to go through a bit of heartbreak and risk that in order to find a good person. I did self-sabotage at the beginning of my relationship that I'm in now.

I have also self-sabotage when we got back together. There would be situations that we would sometimes have and I would do things, but he knows me well enough now where he would pick me up on it and be like, I know that you just made that comment to try and push an argument,

but I'm not giving you it. So either like, work it out or like we're going to end this conversation now. Like you don't need to self-sabotage, like the situation. You know, he sometimes be as brutal and be like, I'm not your ex,

so you don't need to push me to see if I'm going to react in this way that way because that's not my character. So I think that you need to make a decision as to what you want to do. Do you take the risk? Do you let you wall down slightly? And yeah, like when you go into a relationship with someone

or pretty much hand your heart over to someone when you've been with them for quite a while, there's always going to be a risk of getting hurt. But I think it's getting to that point where you're so sure of yourself and the work that you've done in yourself that you know that if it doesn't work out, you're going to be okay.

And I feel like, if you have that mentality, you'll maybe less likely to self-sabotage. I feel like we've both said that. Like, we know, like, regardless of what happens, if something doesn't work out, we'll be fine because we are sure of ourselves and what we bring to the table.

I've really realised that even recently in dating, like things I think maybe a year ago I would have cried about. I'm so like... But even, like, if you did cry about it, like, it's okay. Because, like, you have emotion. Yeah, no, I'm not saying, But I feel like things would have affected you a lot more. They don't, like, even like everything recently,

I feel like me a year ago would have got really upset over how things panned out. Yeah. But I've just been like... I think the fact that you're recognising that you're self-sabotaging is a good first step. I think it's now like taking that accountability and changing it. Either change it, improve it and stick with it for now. Or if you don't feel like you can change it, then like let the man go. Okay, guys, product of the week.

So this is the MediCube, PDRN. Pink collagen stick. One of the few products I haven't tried. Oh my God, I love it. So people are pretty much saying that it's like filler in a tube. So like a lot of people I've seen are putting it like around their lips. They're doing like the lines here between like your nose and your smile. Obviously, crows fee.

I just feel like all their stuff does make you very like glowing anyway. I've started using their SPF by the way. How good is it? Yeah, really nice. I'm really glowy. I really recommend it. I think what's nice about their products as well is they're not expensive. They're so cheap.

They're so reasonable. So give it a go. I was talking to my friend at the weekend who like has really high-end products. And I was like, try my SPF. And she was like, oh, my God. Really? Yeah. She tried it and loved it.

Yeah. So I really like it. So there's my product of the week. And it's so aesthetic with the set. Love that. Okay. made. I think I'd move country. Oh God.

I accidentally sent a screenshot of someone's Instagram profile to the person I was stalking. No. I spent the next 20 minutes convincing myself it looked like an accident and then deleted Instagram for three days. What would you do? I would absolutely die. I would die. Do you know what's also really funny? Do you know when we've like seen, you know, when people suggested people come up on Instagram, like you've got no me.

neutrals and stuff. Like a few funny things have come up recently and it's like, lo, you're stalking. Same. Yeah. Affirmation of the week. This is your daily reminder. Are you ready? If it's meant for you, you won't have to force it or chase it because what's truly

yours will come with peace, not pressure. So, um, word. Yeah. Literally. Take that daily reminder, repeat it. We don't need to force it. You know, yeah, preach. Anyway, guys.

Hold on, I'll just say goodbye. I need that. I still need that. Go excited. Anyway, guys. I'm in a straight dream. Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next week.

Goodbye. Bye. I love you.