Not As We Planned - Jessica Miller: The Truth Behind The Breakdown Of Her Marriage And All The In-Between | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

Jess shares the reasons behind the breakdown of her marriage, behind the camera of OnlyFans and where she sees her life moving forward Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Welcome back to another episode of Not As We planned. Welcome, welcome. So today we are very excited, aren't we? Like beyond. We've got a guest. and I feel like something that we've never really delved into, obviously because we can't talk about it ourselves because we haven't experienced it, Carly, yet. We have a really exciting guest, so should we, I feel like we just need to get her on now

because I know that they're going to get her on. She's going to speak about things that are just going to open your mind a little bit and probably shock you. Let's do it. Let's do it. Guys, we are so excited for this guest. We have wanted her. to come on because I have followed this person for a while and then she announced that she was

going to be going through a divorce and I thought, who better to come on the podcast? So we are joined with Jess Miller. Guys, if you do not follow her, you need to go and find her. I've never really come across anyone on social media that is so open with everything we're going through. We're going to talk about her relationship breakdown with her husband, only fans, a bit of open. and relationships, swinging. Stuff that Tash and I have been so intrigued about and nosy about and want to know more of. And we've actually got someone here, single mom, two beautiful kids.

Welcome to the podcast. Welcome to Not Too Fan. Thank you for coming. We have been in on dates, as I'm sure you are, with questions. But can you quickly give us a little, I don't know, intro for anyone that doesn't follow you, what you're going through, where you're at the moment, what brought you to sort of like social media in general? So, pre what brought me to social media was my controversial job.

So in 2018, me and my husband at the time started to do, um, what should I call? Only, like, yeah, yeah, adult work. And I suppose we just like spun from there, really, like, just became more in the spotlight and then just went on TikTok and then just went up with the uproar of like Only fans really through lockdown. and I think that's where it. Yeah. And do you feel like you had a lot of people sort of being intrigued about it

but in like a negative way? Or did you get like a lot of positive about it? Because I can appreciate that a couple doing only fans together. Did you just do it solely, just the two of you initially? Yeah, at the beginning we just literally was just, it was just me and him. Fine. I think that I've always been open to the fact that I'm a mum.

Yeah. Like I feel like a lot of people in the industry won't sort of say that they're a mum. But my kids are a huge part of my life. and I just feel like, I just can't hide anything in life. Yeah. I wear my heart in my sleep. Yeah.

And it's like, you're going to be going out of my kids. Like, there's nothing I hide in life from anyone, to be honest. So were they aware of only fans? Like so when they got to the right age, I would always like tell them like what's, you know, like I'd start with being like, oh, mommy does like sexy lingerie and then it sort of slowly open to what I do do at the appropriate age. Fine. And did you, did your relationship start off with that both being your job? Or is that something that you went into?

Yeah, so we both had complete different jobs. I'd done semi-permanent makeup for that. And he done events. And he suggested that on Pornhub, you would make, like YouTube, that you'd start making money through uploading on there. Right. And so he brought that to me. And then from there, really, we just went into that.

And this is obviously just coming up. from someone that's like really naive to only fans yeah but did you from the start show your face because i know some people say that you can do like feet i don't even know if that's a thing yeah my feet around like your feet might do though you know like a lot of people say like oh you can do stuff and like not show your face is that actually a thing do people do that there are people that don't show their face i think the regulations around only fans now they want like for the idea it's more relatable isn't it yeah because it could be anyone but back in that day you could just yeah be faceless but it was never saying i was gonna hide yeah i feel like my tattoos were

just show how did you feel like the first time a video was uploaded did you were you terrified at first the only way i can describe it is you know like when you're pregnant yeah and you don't really understand that you've got like a baby in there until it's there yeah i feel like when you do that and there's a video out there you can't really resonate with that people are watching you yeah it's weird. Because I feel like a lot of couples probably film intimate stuff without yeah. That's what a hidden folder is for now. If you went to me, right, you do it right in the middle of the floor. But that's it. But that's it. Yeah. Why. Don't be doing it. That's what we're doing here. That's what I feel like that moment where it's uploaded, it's out there. I still

don't resonate with it. Do you not? Do you watch it back? You're a bit disconnected from it. Really? So disconnected. I just really intrigued. Like, the thing is that you become so disconnected with, sex yeah general everything do you feel like okay so like

we've got loads of questions and I feel like I could literally just ask you a lot of questions about and we're gonna have to

at some point like fire the mouth yeah so first of all we know that you only announced your separation

from your well soon to be ex-husband a month ago yeah how are you actually

I feel I feel really happy, to be honest. Do you? Like, I feel, it's sad because I feel like I live my life exactly the same. Like, there's not really a change. Understand. And that's a really weird place to be that I, like, I don't really miss the company. Or there's like, if I, even if I think about, oh, I've got something, would I have something

to say to him? Like, no, because I wouldn't really care about his answer. Mm-hmm. and or I wouldn't be listened to so there was like no one to talk to it was just like I'll talk to him and then it would just be oh do you know what

have you heard like that spurs of like fucking football do you just be a football chat and I'm like I'm a girl like I need more like than football chat and golf chat and going out of your mates like and just I wasn't getting anything I think it's really eye-opening

when you realise that when you lead that relationship actually you were almost like a single mom in a marriage which is actually sometimes harder. Yeah, I think so many people relate to that. Yeah, like I was, I would say that was burnt out from the way I looked after my children because there was no help unless I asked for it. Yeah.

Do you feel like you almost like started to check out of your marriage before it was over? Yeah, definitely. Yeah. I feel like I definitely checked out this year. Yeah, I think a lot of women do. that yeah and I was like thinking about my life and like Chloe's going to be going to college next year and I thought like she's growing up and where it was that realization of like do I want to

be old and live like this and when the kids are gone what's going to be there for me like yeah where where am I going to you're just going to go out of your mates and play golf and go football and not be emotionally there for me and I'm just going to be what sitting there doing nothing and I think that sort of comes into you know a lot of people end up feeling like they need to stay for the kids yeah but actually eventually like kids leave yeah and that's like what have you got left yeah so you know we do talk a lot about even kids that are younger like staying for the kids we we really don't advocate because I feel like you want to be able to show your kids an example of like a healthy relationship looks like what a loving relationship

it looks like for what you want them to aspire to have. How have the kids been with the separation? This can be really sad. And I know that it's hurtful on his behalf, but they're happier and they've said that they're happier. They probably absorb. I thought that that doesn't surprise me either. I think we sometimes don't give kids the credit they deserve

because I feel like, although you might not be having those open conversations with them about everything going wrong, They absorb the environment they were in. They can see, especially your kids are, how old are your kids? 11 and 15. So they're a lot more aware of what's going on and they're probably seeing things through their own eyes

and thinking this hasn't felt right. With you being happier, that's going to reflect on how they feel. There's like, so like my daughter, she could see, like she'd say to me, oh, like you don't really kiss anymore. Like she could see them sorts of things dwindling. And she would be like, mommy, you do like so much, like you do everything for us. and I have a very close relationship with my kids. So, yeah, she sort of, like, realized stuff.

She would say, like, Mommy, I think you deserve to be happier. Like, so she'd see that I deserved more. But weirdly, so she now is struggling because her dad walked away from her. So, like, Mike isn't her dad, two and a half. And her dad doesn't have anything to do with her. Right. He chose that.

And since Mike's left, which is really sad, is that there's been zero effort. I was going to ask, what the... Oh, that's really hard. I mean, I say how, we hear it time and time again, but I don't understand how someone can be in a child's life pretty much their whole life. Yeah.

And then just check out. Two and a half. Oh, wow. But check that with his own son as well. So it's not even like it's just her, but she, I feel like she expected more from him. Yeah, I'm not surprised. Rightly so.

Did you? No, because I knew I knew what the effort he put in with the children when he was there. So I didn't expect any... I feel like what he's done is what I expected from him, to be honest. So what is the co-parenting relationship slash child arrangement like at the moment in the last month that you've separated?

Life's too hard for him, so. Has he literally like not had any involvement? Has he seen the kids? So Chloe plays football and she's always played football. she's like it's quite like competitive football and I asked him to come around like on a on the Wednesday to look after Stan because normally I wouldn't drag him to the football so I asked him to do that he's done that twice I think and took Chloe to football once because I asked him again to do it but like off his own back no wow and I had to have like a like a chat with him

yesterday to like really say to him like that I don't want didn't want to have to have that chat because I don't feel like I should have to make sense to him like you are going to you're going to have no one because they don't realise that it's so important to be there for your kids so is he just off like doing his own thing yeah what was the actual point where you realised that your marriage was over um I think that I went to him and I was like saying to him, I don't know, I was crying and I said to him, I don't know what my life looks like in the future. Like, sad, but like, I find him boring. Like, I'm not, my feelings for him were, I knew had changed. And he pretty much, like, he didn't console me, didn't,

like, do anything, just, like, laugh, like, he, like, laugh, if anything. There was a lot of laughing. In the breakdown, there was a lot of laughing moments where I got, come on, like, just let's sort it out. It's like he didn't have the capacity to sort of have luck out. Yeah, like do you not understand that I'm like I'm at a point now

where I'm so miserable and all you're saying is you're laughing in my face saying come on let's sort it out that's not sorting it out in my eyes. No. So do you like so was it you that decided to end the marriage?

Yeah. Yeah. I said to him like I need more from you I need you to take me on dates and I've said this for a long time I need like that one to one time with you like to build something I need to get that intimacy and connection I need to know

that I am loved and I just didn't feel that and he'd say oh I do love you and I just didn't feel loved so do you feel like you constantly tried to communicate with him what needs weren't being met and he just didn't understand I'm such communicator and all I got met with was that he's trying and what he's doing is not good enough for me but there was no change it's just I'm just this problem that keeps giving him more and more jobs to do or more and more things that are a problem it was just this battle of

yeah and I just, in the point it was just like I know that's, it's never going to change and I'm just going to be forever asking for more Do you think he was surprised that you ended it? I don't know because sometimes I feel like

however much you communicate with a man they sometimes don't believe you're actually walking away. because I feel like that was my situation however much I was unhappy or complained or we sat down and had the chats where it was like I need this and I need that I don't think he genuinely believed

that I had the strength to do it on my own and leave. I feel like that as well I feel like he didn't believe that I was gonna go but he never would say that like say that and then since going has no not one bit tried to fight for anything at all so have you had that like did you have that conversation where you were like i'm now done leave yeah and did he just leave um pretty much yeah yeah yeah i mean one of the one of the questions

and a lot of the questions are pretty much revolving around the job that you both did and whether that had an impact on the breakdown of your relationship. I think before we go into that, I'd be more intrigued to know what did that look like on like a day-to-day basis, like that kind of job. Because I think for so many of our listeners, me and Tash, like, I'm really intrigued to know what that looked like so we could get a perspective of...

As in, like, what did the job look like? Yeah, yeah. So like, because it changed further on, didn't it? It wasn't just you two in the end. Yeah. Okay, I didn't know this. So I feel like at the beginning, beginning it was very

exciting and like we was very like close in the fact that we're like doing something together it's like exciting and and what is it is it literally you setting up your own camera and doing things sexually and then posting it? Yeah pretty much

is it literally almost like a people subscribe and you but is it like a TikTok like you make your own video and you upload it when you want yeah yeah pretty much it's a bit like YouTube like I suppose well yeah it's like a little platform yeah yeah Like a porn hub, YouTube thing.

And then you upblow pictures. And it's just a bit of fuck. Like, it just was fun between us. And then I imagine it paid pretty well. Yeah, it was good. Like, we was, like, it was any man, like, oh, I feel like any man's dream, do I mean they're having sex with their wife? Like, getting paid for it.

Yeah. What was the best month that you ever had in, oh, I think it was around 60K? In one month. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Hold on, James. my boyfriend. I mean like we joke. The thing is we joke about it. Did you at first have those

conversations like oh I imagine the money we'd make or was it actually like a serious like do you want to fucking film it? Like like how did it actually come about? It literally was like we was working really hard at that time and obviously like juggling the kids and we was like we just need a little bit of extra money and it was like if we can pay the mortgage like and our mortgage is only like 650 pounds like it was like okay that'll work like well let's just try and get a little bit money and not really realizing that it was just going to go the way it went yeah so how many subscribers do you have now um we're we've still got our joint account so we've got like 2.5k wow and so you've got a joint account and then did you have separate accounts as well no so

he ended up having his separate solo account but i i'd never had an account like i feel like me or my own made him feel insecure But he could be on his own. Yeah. I was a very secure one in the relationship. Double standards have heard. And I feel like you need to be a type of person to do, I guess, what you did. Because we do get a lot of emails in about people doing like swinging or having open

relationships. And it is, it is usually the men I feel that end up being the ones that like the idea of it is great. But once you're actually in it, the insecurities start creeping in and the paranoia. and then really they end up doing something to make themselves feel better by straying. Yeah. So when did you first open up your relationship? So we went on a program called Open House.

I love that program. Did you watch it? I freaking love it. I'm just so intrigued by it. I also really enjoy like the conversation elements of it. Yeah. Interestingly like again I feel like on the latest series it was a lot of the men like were loving the idea to begin with

and like in the reality. So when did you do that? So that was, oh, that was just like, oh, 20, 21? So you went in together? We went in together, yeah. Was that still at the point where you were just doing Only fans as a couple? Yeah. Okay.

So I have always been very interested in women. So, like, a lot of people will say, like, it's his idea to have the women in a relationship. Like, it wasn't. Right. It was purely my idea. It was never his. How did he feel about that? Yeah, he was fine with it.

Obviously, every man's going to be, like, well. But, yeah, but I guess it's quite interesting because you have openly said that you are attracted to women. Yeah, I feel like he never. found women a threat. Okay. Whereas men completely different. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah.

So any, like bringing the women into the relationship worked. Is that what you did? I don't think I've seen that season. I only got on board with this like really recently. We're the first season. Oh, you're the first season. So what, can you tell us what happened like in there for anyone who might not have seen it? So we met a girl called Precious.

What a name. And pretty much like opened our relationship. I really struggled at the beginning though like I did there was there's me crying um I I did find it hard but like I knew I wanted to push your boundaries push my boundaries but I really like wanted to be the woman like that was like where my head was at so like yeah I was do you feel like you want would you have rather have just been with a woman full stop without uh I think that I feel like my life path maybe has probably been in the wrong direction.

Oh, really? Fine. Okay, interesting. So on Open House, was it only ever opening up the relationship with other women? It was never men. And it was together.

Yeah, it was together. It was always something. There was never a part of me that wanted to get a man involved at that point. Yeah. Like, I was like, no, like, that's just not for me. Like, I'm not interested in it. Mm-hmm.

And then what happened after that? So we carried on doing, like, we met precious after. we like had like a good time like it never really affected our relationship the freesoms and and as time was going on like we was just doing more and more freesoms but the girls weren't really like they're just industry girls like so as much as it fulfilled me being with a woman for that part I felt like in the end I was just something you did rather than like proper intimacy and then obviously then I'm

he's like oh well like I'm not going to be able to get hard if it's not someone I fancy so then I'm just picking women that are for him like they're not for me like yeah My type of woman isn't the woman that I'd clab with. I'd rather go for more of a mask woman. And that obviously he wouldn't find the trap. Fine. So then it's sort of like I'm doing it but I'm not really enjoying it at that point. And then I'm like, okay, well I'm just doing this now for the job, the money.

Fine. Because the clabs brung in more money. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, cool. The minute you start making more money, you're saying, set then on continuum with that and there's like we live into that meet the means and he was very money orientated where he would literally look every day at like making sure that we hit a

certain right number takes the fun out yeah and then I'm like okay well I'm now going to have to keep finding girls to keep putting the pressure on to keep stepping out my confidence zone when I'm not really that happy right so for him it really just became all money driven yeah do you feel like then that made the sexual relationship that you had with just you two almost like just a job or did you still have sex off camera? Yeah, I'm intrigued by that. Yeah, I feel like we could still separate that to be honest at that point.

I feel like I feel like when we started doing couple swaps so then again like you think you're doing the freesoms and then they're not making as much money anymore because everyone's used to them so what's next? So that's the problem with OnlyFans and any girl will say it's what's next what's more money. Like you look at Bonnie Blue

like and we go into the extremes of like of having to put yourself so far out there and do the most extreme stuff for the money because the mundane stuff that worked for me and Mike at the beginning doesn't work anymore and then Bonnie Blue just takes it and before you know it you're doing things that don't feel right

so then you started doing partner swap and was that still just on OnlyFans whose idea was that? Just not probably mine maybe like saying like the women aren't really satisfying me anymore so like maybe I'd rather it be like maybe it's more fair if we're we see like a couple yeah and that you like the woman and maybe I find a man attractive and like that yeah it's just something different um so we started doing that but I just feel like he really struggled with me being of a man right and in my brain I'm

Like, you don't need to worry about me being a man. Like, I'm going to somewhere else. You should be worrying about the women. Yeah. And I'm saying that to him constantly all the time, but he's got this massive, like, ego with a man. I think that's such a man thing. I'm like, no, like, I don't know why we're worrying about the men at this point. Brilliant.

Yeah. Did you ever do the open relationship thing off camera? No. Oh, okay. Fine. Yeah. And you both stuck to that. Yes.

I don't think it would. would have probably been for us. Yeah, so it was more always about the job, always about getting the right shot. Yeah, yeah. But do you feel like his maybe paranoia and insecurity has got the better of him? I think so, yeah.

I feel like our section, when I slept with a man, I feel like he could never get out of his head. Fine. Do you think at that point that broke down your relationship with maybe how he was showing up? I think so, because I feel like,

because he couldn't get out of his head, I'm then thinking, well, what's in your head when you're sleeping with a woman because if you're thinking that I am being, how are you feeling towards someone else? Then why, like,

so where's your head at at that point? Because if you, if you see it as that you're not connected to that person, then I should not be connected to them either. I understand, it's almost like double standards, isn't it? Yeah, so that's okay for you, make you paranoid, yeah, yeah.

Do you think that you would be sitting here going through a divorce now if that was never your job? Yeah. Yeah. I still think it'll be there. Because I feel like the home life was just as, like, me, I'm constantly telling him what to do. Like, with work and stuff like that, I'm very ambitious.

He's not very ambitious. And I feel like we just very, it was a very mum and son relationship. That's what I felt like in the end. And values misaligned. And I guess as well, if you're saying now, you feel like you're more drawn towards women as well. maybe that would have come out at some point. Yeah. So do you feel like your next relationship,

you will not bother with a man? Yeah, I think that's the case, yeah. Oh, this is exciting. We have, I mean, I have considered it. Of course it's considered it. Can we match me? I'm not masking off. Well, you go to the gym.

Shaves the hair. That would be good for the part. I just feel like I thought so much, like, feminine, like strong women, feminine. I don't think a man can, I just don't think it's right for a man. It's giving you. Like, I feel like I'm too, like, I'm too, like, I'm too, like, if anything, I'd always say,

like, I'm just too much for a man. Yeah, same. Yeah. Yeah, get it. I get that. And do you know what? We were actually speaking earlier. We feel like nowadays, like, women are doing so much now for themselves and pouring so much

into their own cups. And, like, if men don't step up. No, yeah. There's no need for them. No. Like, they're not bringing anything anymore to the table. Yeah. So they really need to, like, work on their shit.

to work on it. Like, it's embarrassing. They're not, there's no purpose. And that's what I said to him. I said, just take me out for dinner. Like, do something that brings me into my feminine energy because I was in my masculine energy so much. Yeah.

Me and my friends were having this conversation this weekend. We're all single. Yeah. All trying to date. And we're just like, men aren't men anymore. No. Like, they're all like, oh, where should we go? No, you fucking plan the date.

Tell me. You tell me what time to be ready. You tell me where you're picking me up from. You fucking hold my door open. And men can't do. that anymore and they can't even fucking text back and it's just like it's embarrassing yeah and we were like we'd much rather just be in our own we provide this amazing life for ourselves men are actually just added fucking stress yeah and that's what I felt like in the end I'm just

like why am I doing this yeah I could this money like I'm sharing that I don't need to share that money I don't need to share any of this with you I can just do it on my own so what is your plan now work wise without him so I'm carry I'm going to stay doing only fans I'm going to um Just do solo stuff. I don't want to cloud. I don't want to be with, like, any one. Like, I do believe in energy transfer. And I feel like when you're constantly sleeping with other people,

like the energy transfer is just, it's horrible, it makes you feel like absolute crap. And I feel like any woman in the industry. And I feel like as we grow as humans and the women who are in the industry at my age at the moment will come out, you'll hear the bad stories about OnlyFans and how it affects you mentally. Yeah, I can imagine, no.

So when you say, solo stuff what does that look like just because i feel like there's lots of naive just like like pictures like sexting just sort of like getting to know my fans more and just sort of like being there for them as like a just me like do people genuinely like do you have some people that you speak to yeah all the time like they're fully invested in my life like do like do like they're like in love with you yeah oh my god that's it's just wild because i've seen some like come up on like TikTok and Instagram where like literally like men buy people cars and like crazy shit like I wouldn't want a man to do that for me but like I feel like they are fully invested in like

me as a person and yeah like they would like do anything for for me I mean it's quite nice yeah I can't hear anyone complaining like guys if you're watching um here's my PayPal so at the moment I'm doing like boyfriend applications oh my God I love that I started out And I was like, um, not that if there's any girls out there, maybe you apply as well. I mean,

we've got a very heavy, heavy female listeners. Probably a lot of people by men as well. My solar account started and I was like, oh, fuck it. Let's do boyfriend application. So like all my, all the people like rolling over,

like filling out forms of like, like where I'm going to rate them on my boyfriend application and start a short missing people. And have you, and I don't know if this is like against the rules or not with only fans, but. can people meet the people that they connect with? No, like the word meat is like...

Forbidden. Oh, really? You'll get banned. Ah. It's forbidden to know. Yeah. I suppose it's a bit more... Well, it makes it safer, I guess, doesn't it?

Yeah, well, obviously, like, in the industry, a lot of, like, escorts and stuff like that. So they would be willing to meet them in. Right. So, like, they don't want that. They don't want that, I suppose, that transfer of the meat. Yeah, yeah. Understand. Okay, I've got a question.

Yeah. So in the life, soul, you've been it. What is, like, the most wild thing that you've seen? Or done. Or done. Yeah. Like, that you look back at and being up. Because I feel like it's become so normal.

Yeah. I'm trying to think what's wild and I'm thinking. What would they consider? What would they consider? Yeah. Well, hadn't it all, Jay. Did you? How many people are?

How many? Six. How does that work like that? I guess it's not choreography, Tash. I think they just. One point, I thought it was really funny because I was, like, they were my friends, like the group that we was with were friends, but, you know, like, is she going to move into her position?

You know, hungry hippo is the game. Yeah. I felt like all the girls, like, even in the moment of, like, oh, I'm so, I'm dead. In the moment, I was literally like, why do I feel like a hungry hippo? No, I'm dead. They must have like here and then the men are behind and I just felt like

I am fucking dead you know like you've got the game I've got such a visual arcade as well and they're like oh yeah you're riding it

but here I am thinking you're actually the mouth of the hungry hippo and they're the balls like that's what I am yeah they're behind oh my god

dead okay so sit was it three women and three men yeah okay wow because that's just a lot of like...

A lot of balls. Yeah. Obviously I went to a swingers club, never participated, but actually like the actual place was insane. Explain it now. Never been to something in my whole entire life like it. So it was like, it's called temptation. It's in, I would highly recommend it if anyone is in to,

wants to go there. And even if, you know, even if you're just interested, it's like... You don't have to do anything. Yeah, no, you don't have to do anything. You can just literally, like, it's like a, it's like a, massive party but everyone's in laundry and it's like yeah so you go up these like massive stairs and you like as we walked in like there's like a choke you know like an old fashion choke thing and there's just a girl in the choke thing and a guy I just no yeah like literally the video

we go for the pod I mean I'm assuming like there's no phones allowed no no you so you is it's a member's club um I think it is but you have to be invited can you no no I think you just like go you can message them and then they'll put you on like what's the calibre of people like oh they're hot yeah they were like swingers are hot our age really yeah it was like hold on take me through you're going up these stairs like yeah yeah okay so when i got in there like walk a throw when i got in there like you go everyone goes into a locker room put all your stuff in the locker and then it was dressed down straight away so not always it dressed down straight away but straight away into your like laundry so you're arriving clothes and then you take them off put

them in the locker with your phone yep okay so then there's these like your massive you go upstairs and there was that person there and then as you walk through it's like the only way can explain it's like laser quest do you remember like doing laser quest and it's like dark and you're like hiding behind walls my son's doing that for his birthday next one you're going to have very different visions now jash as you're walking through all these like dark black walls like there's like a peep thing like where a man's willie would be or fuck oh no or there's just like a row of like bent over beds where people would just have sex little mini beds massive augy beds rooms that you can like lock

swings and anything you can imagine it's like an adult like play area like it's just crazy yeah at this point obviously there was no one doing anything a lot more germs

debatable I'd be taking my death I'll spray with me wouldn't I and then we came out of that and went into like where the club is as a DJ is a DJ clothed.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm just picking up at that time. Yeah. And there was like a booth and there's a telly and there's a room here and we're just sitting there and then these people walk into the room and I didn't realize. I was like, oh my God, I'm going to watch. Yeah, I'm going to watch them.

They know that. Yeah. I'm just, I don't know what. I'm just picturing someone just like sitting in a booth on their own like playing with themselves. That could happen. Really? This was like a, this was two girls went in and played with each other and then the two guys

went and joined them. And are they stranger? They're strangers. I don't even know, aren't they? I don't know what it was. And like, I didn't know the dinah. Excuse me.

What's a dynamic here? What's your relationship? Yeah. Like, what? Do you think a lot of people go there, like, on their own that are single looking to just like, do people approach each other and be like, do you want to far? I think there's only like a certain amount of tickets for like, certain. Single. Like, I know that men, like, it's very restricted to men.

Can't be on their own. Yeah, because they don't really know what they're going to get. Yeah. I can get some, yeah, yeah. And like, do you think people, this is so random and here's like my mum brain, do you like, do people use protection? Yeah, you have to use condoms.

Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's good. Safe sex, that's promote safe sex. Safe sex. Safe sex. And then there's like, so in true. So it's cool like glory holes. There's a glory hole for a girl where you don't know who,

you don't know who's, so men can queue up. Stop it. Wait, you put that. No, you put your legs through. No, you don't. No, you don't. You don't see. anything and literally just yeah so my mind is blown but then there has to be

someone obviously guarding that making sure every man has a condom on and then they're obviously wait in my head I'm thinking they lick it no well you could they could if they wanted oh my god I am just I'm like my like blown is the wrong word isn't it blown is so wrong yeah I'm getting up blown away oh my god like this is just like it's another the world yeah it is and do you think that there's a lot of people that because I remember we once had an email in and it was like a quite an older couple and it's like you know then the next day they're just on the school run and like no one

knows they're like a deal like do you have to go there and you can't say like who other people are like if I go is anyone going to report back to me because it's going to come out I've already got a bad reputation with the school moms I can't be dealing with anymore at the moment so there's like they'll post stuff on social media but a lot of people's face are like blurred so I guess that I don't really know because obviously I've never been in that situation where I've been like oh my god don't I guess there's a lot of people who don't want to. So did you only experience a like a sex house once? Yeah. And you didn't do anything you just watched. No, just watched

yeah. But was it quite exciting. I just like I just like being there like I think I like being around sexually liberated people because I think like they're all quiet just good to be around. So would you go again? No, probably not. How come? I just don't know where my life's going like now so I just feel like I thought we were doing a girl's trip out I don't know dinner fast I feel like I cause my whole life has just been about sex at this point I'm just like over it over sex like just let me do a get ready to me like makeup it loses it loses that excitement yeah yeah it's quite sad do you think that if and when you meet someone you would stop your job um

no but would you avoid getting them involved in it yeah i think i'd i would never have a relationship where we had a work like life together because i think that's really difficult i feel like you really need separation yeah 100% and with what you're doing now with only fans you're just doing it on your own so i guess in theory you're now not looking for an open relationship again no what you're doing is solely alone yeah i think i couldn't think about anything worse than our open relationship again. What would your advice be for someone that is thinking about having an open relationship?

Yeah, and do you think they get, do you know of people who, where it has worked and there's no issues? Although I guess you don't really know what goes on behind closed jobs. Yeah, I think it's like a lot of people aren't open with really how things are. And like even me and Mike weren't that open with how like truly like things were sometimes. And I think the aftercare is so important when it comes to that. And if you can't care deeply and, about your partner then it's not going to work and I think that's why it worked for us at the

beginning and then didn't because he couldn't give me enough emotionally afterwards to make you feel safe and yeah yeah I understand that and he started doing fake tattoo which was you know like fake taxi I heard of fake taxi no no no no I think I do know what no so like a fake taxi is like a massive production, porn production and they man, drives a taxi, girl gets him in the taxi, he him and the girl

So what? So he started doing that while she were together? Yeah, so like at the beginning of the year again it was a money thing it was like and it was a he was not feeling good enough about himself because I'm solely the limelight of everything. Right, yeah, I mean look at you.

That's what I mean. And I felt a lot of guilt with that. Do you think he made you feel guilty? Yeah. I feel like that I didn't want it to all be about me, but it just, that's the sort of way it was. Yeah, and I kept saying to him like, social media, like, I have a girl following. Like, that's just how it is because women are on TikTok. I don't feel like men can do as well on social media as women.

Like we just pull in a different, we put in that girl power. Men aren't really like that. And not unless you're Andrew Taylor. or, do I mean, like, you're really doing something crazy. A bit out there, yeah. Yeah, whereas girls can watch someone do makeup or their hair and they want to know what outfit you're wearing. Men aren't like that.

No. And I feel like with, yeah, not only the only fans, but just my presence on social media just made him feel small. And all I wanted was him to be proud of me. And feel like, like, go girl, like, you're smashing it. Yeah, you should be so proud of yourself. And I feel like he was never that. so I was like oh like you do something for yourself

and then like trying to make him do say oh you do like the fake tattoo thing which is obviously he has a tattoo studio the girl comes in and then it ends up being them too okay so he was the person in that yeah so and that is that how his own account started yeah okay and were you okay with that um obviously I've seen him with women so it didn't really bother me in that sense that it was just going to be like you become so desensitized to that but I said to him like the one thing I need from you

when you do that is that you really think about me emotionally and that you take me out and like afterwards you really care like because yeah that's what I need because I don't know like like at times I left the studio because it wasn't working when I was there you know day yeah and so I allowed that because I wanted him to be successful and that's just for me as a person that is like I'm just all I want is him to be happy I'm putting I'll give my whole entire everything to make someone happy which is probably my downfall and I just felt like I got nothing in return and that was a huge turning point I think for me as well even though I sort of like threw myself into that.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Is that something he's carrying on doing now? Yeah, he's already clabbed. Cool.

Okay. Yeah. Really, really processing everything. To be honest, it almost sounds like you came up with this idea, you did it together, and once other people were introduced,

his ego was not. Yeah. You know, the forefront of it. Yeah. Rather than him being that alpha male of, yeah, that's my girl. like so she should be in the line light. He needed his ego stroked more.

Wanted to go and do something for himself and that probably in itself definitely had a impact of the breakdown in your relationship because it's almost like maybe he didn't want to give you that reassurance and everything because he was struggling with his self. Yeah. I feel like he just hated me in the end.

Like he just, where he looked at me and was like, oh, I don't really like, yeah. I feel like a lot of men go that way. Yeah. I also feel like a lot of women who do well, I think a lot of males feel threatened. Threatened, intimidated, demasculated by a woman's success. Yeah.

I think it's really those alpha men that are able to hold their own. No, like, I've got this. Yeah. And that's what I wanted from him. Like, just be like, he's got loads of time. Like he's got low, like, there's so many things he could do. like but there was just no just sit on the sofa and watch the football and like just it's ick yeah and I'm just still working hard and I'm doing everything and then I'm getting I'm feeling like I'm too much and but then I'm used as a being feel like I'm used for sex and then making money and everything just wasn't sitting right for me in the end there was a lot of talks about him financially trying to control you yeah what was a situation with that and how how did that sort of so I feel like there's a lot of the The dynamic ended, like the dynamic of our relationship ended up being that he controlled the money and I done the work.

So it was like, I think it was his way of having control on a situation where he didn't feel getting in control of anything else. So little things like if I'd go shopping with Chloe, it ends up, like, I'd have to hide my bad, like, hide my staff or be like, tell the kids like, no, don't tell Dad that I bought anything. Like, wow. Yeah, it was like that for a long time. And then questioning like me spending the money or that the finances have gone down and he's like, well, you've been shopping all month. Like, you know, like the little thing.

I just go to Primark, literally. Like, I've lived a big spender. We love that Primark. And then Chloe's football, oh, you go to M&S too much on the way to football. Like you buy loads of coffees. And it's just like, why am I getting my vagina out when I can't even get myself an M&S or across. dying because when I done so much makeup I was still doing the M&S and the Costa coffee like

absolutely it obviously was no he just sounds so insecure yeah and that's what it was it was holding on to something that he could control yeah and I kept saying to him like you are you like miserable like he couldn't even tell me that he would like I'd rather him just said to me yeah I'm really miserable and then you work out why you're miserable but he could never tell me that he was because he was so he wanted the money so much didn't want it to stop he didn't, yeah, that he'd rather be miserable. Do you think he would have, if it was up to him, stayed in the relationship just for the...

Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Interesting. You know what you were saying about the tattoo and the taxi, fake taxi thing? Would he, does he make a lot of money from something like that? Like, do you, like, I've always intrigued, like, I can't imagine a female paying for that,

but then what, do you, men watch it? Men watch it, yeah. Of course they do, because it's another woman. Yeah. Got, yeah. Yeah, that's, I've just forgotten that bit. So, like, in the industry, there's like a huge, drought is that the word of men for women to work with so many women

right so like men are like the ones that are willing to do something like that do get a good good do get good out of it so just like just digesting everything right now it's just mild isn't it was there like a light bulb moment when you realized that your marriage wasn't working for you anymore yeah so I feel like for me like a massive turning point was so I think it was like four years ago I had my old implants removed and new ones put in and I ridiculously went up to 650cc like they were massive what I got put in and I think it was like a week after the operation I was out again like I shouldn't have really done it but I felt so much pressure to get up and be moving like that I couldn't sit there and do nothing because

the whole house falls apart when i'm not moving the guilt that i'm pressure that i feel when i'm poorly was terrible to be honest and i was like why have i done this to myself so i pulled myself out of bed and we went to nando's and once we came up nando's i felt like a ping in my boob and it was like a coat hanger like it's like a little um coat that wire and it just like Like it just went peeing like and fell off. So we've got home and I was like something is like not right of my boob. And then like slowly the stitches I could feel start to and the boobs started feeling heavy. Oh God.

And I rang my surgeon and he was like, it didn't really understand what had gone on either. So he was like, oh, like should be fine. Just like rest. A couple of days went by and it was just tearing. And it got to like a Monday where he plays football with his friends. and at that point I was in bed obviously got the two kids I'm crying

I was like in so much pain I've got they leaking and he's got ready for football and I was like oh look so you're you're gonna go football and he was like oh yeah like he could not let his friends down

for the life of him like it was like his friends just became so much more important than me and it was like he could never say like he was so, In my opinion, that he was so scared that he's trying to be like, you're so under the thumb.

Yeah. That it hurt his ego that much. God, he's so insecure. Leave me and he would rather leave me in pain. And I was just crying. I was like begging him to stay. And in the end, he did stay. But I've never forgiven.

I feel like I've never forgiven him for it. I should hold on to that. Yeah. That was four years ago. I know you've been quite open about going to marriage counsellor. Yeah. And you spoke about that. do you feel like that helped in any way or were you just delay in the inevitable?

I feel like it helped briefly. Like I feel like I'll do anything to try and save the marriage like for the kids or like to say that I put like every single effort in like that I didn't give up for no reason. So I guess it's really hard when there's been like no cheating or infidelity or lies. Yeah. It's just like you just fall out of love with that person and I believe you felt out of in love with me and I don't think that he would have ever admit it but I do I don't believe that there was love there for me. I think it was just

that he felt like he was his life and it was easy. Yeah. Work. I mean we say that a lot don't when we see it time and time again. I feel like it's nice knowing that you put everything into it. You're never going to look back and be like what is. Yeah. Yeah. But I do feel like

and you know it almost proves what we say all the time. We say a lot of the time men don't really leave without a backup plan. Yeah. He didn't have a backup plan so we didn't want to leave. Yeah. It's almost like just happy to sort of like plod along. Yeah. This is the life I've got. It's making me good money.

I can go and do what I want and see my mates. And then I've got someone looking after me at home. He was living like the life. Yeah. Yeah. And I say to him like, why do you not appreciate it? Like he was never grateful for anything in life as well. Like I'm a very grateful person.

Like I just, I love having fun. I love being my kids. And he just didn't want to do any of that. Just wanted to sit home and that will be with his mates. And we just, in the end of felt I would just live in two separate things. And he said to me as well, like in the summer holidays, he went, you just spent all your time. Chloe and I did because she was my escape she's my she's my but like him like it's like yeah yeah I feel

like there was a battle between jealousy my kids and him as well of like I felt like that I had to give so much attention to him and then the kids that I just was like split like might as well just like split myself in heart like sounds like a proper man child yeah yeah oh yeah I literally listen to man child a million times yeah and Ariana Grande boy but I'm blah blah I have a whole playlist Well no you just said we need to listen to Lily Allen Lily Allen's new album Oh

It's all about her exposing her ex-husband It's fucking fabulous Yeah I haven't listened to it I didn't listen to her Question with your What you do Have you faced a lot of backlash In terms of being a mum

And being on only fans Oh yeah like loads of backlash How do you handle that? I know I'm a good mum You're quite thick-skinned Yeah and I feel like my kids like my kids will prove it time and time again for me do they ever get stick for it not not really like maybe the odd thing said but

again that they I had the conversation with like my boy actually because a boy at school said to him oh your mom's a stripper or something like that and I was like oh how do you feel about that and he was like well I don't really care he was like I just feel bad for you mum and I was like oh don't feel bad for me like I don't care and he was like okay then like it's just I feel like he just this is the way you handle it Yeah. And I was like, I always believe that unhappy people hate. So I tell them, like, my kids, like, and I always, I'm a big believer in, you know, like, the boy that said it, I know for a fact that he's not got a great family life. Right. So, like, I try and explain to my kids, like, not everyone's got a good family life. And sometimes that does make them a little bit jealous or a little bit, like, angry in life. I suppose it's not the norm either. So something a bit different. Like, someone would never, like, judge someone.

one's mom for being a bin woman but no exactly I don't know why I said bin woman they probably would yeah they would kids still get bullied for the stupidest things like yeah if they've got like bad hair or ginger hair oh my god I was weird shoes yeah I used to get people making fun of me for having curly hair yeah I feel like that's still around cool I just start trying but I always tell my kids to own it like you can you can beat a bully by being like yeah she is yeah if you're gonna sit and cry about it then they're gonna carry on but if you're if you're not gonna be and you're just like yeah you should see a bank balance every month I'm gonna say like he should be like yeah you should check her out come and

subscribe back I heard your dad subscribe your mom just her I don't know why I just came that would be me yeah I heard your mom your dad's subscribed oh dear yeah your dad's a fan oh my god I tell you what I want to know I feel like a lot of people will want to know like I've seen, obviously, your TikTok's at the moment, and you are so open. You know, you're like going on your walks. You're trying to do things on your own. Yeah. I know that you don't love your own company, which I can really relate to.

When I first separated from my ex-husband, we were together for 17 years. Yeah. I did not know. Like, you don't know how to be on your own, do you anymore? How are you finding that now and how are you? Because also you did a solar holiday on your own and amazing. You know what? Like, I was so scared, scared to do that.

And I, but I, my kids were so excited for it. So I was like, I've got to, I've got to do it. I'm just going to just take the, like, and it was empowering, right? Yeah, and it was so good. Like, my mom even said to me, she was like, you are going to feel so good when you get back. And I think, like, it's good that I've got my mom, like, who's, like, supportive.

She's, like, single. Oh, like, my dad passed away when I was 10. So, like, and my mom's never, she has found people, but she never found the best men. So I feel like she's so, like, she's an empowering woman as well. Like, she does. done it on her own like when me and my sister were young and I feel like she's always made me strong like I know that I don't need a man yeah and he would get really annoyed of that because that always come out my mouth like a lot like I don't need a man mom done it on her own like

that's what I've grown up with I don't need a man and so how are you finding doing the like the daily mundane not much different much different like I get in the loft like I will get it like I will get my hands dirty like I don't care like I've always been that way I think the only thing that I'm doing is putting the bins out that I didn't do. I know, it's a hard job to. Yeah. I put it out last night and it was really cold.

I make such a drama every week. There was me, literally. I was in the bin trying to like, like I was, got the, my little steps and I'm trading it on top of the bin and I'm jumping on it trying to get the bin bag down. I did. I did get that.

That's like you. I should do it really. I made a mistake once and I put a bin bag outside my front door and I was like, it's cold as well. I can't be bothered. The fox is good. The next day. The fox had attacked it

and literally everything was out on my front You learn a valuable lesson And you need it again No, I do it all the time I did not learn at all I just hope that the fox hasn't come back

I've done all sorts of things You know what I did say I put my Christmas tree up Literally like about two weeks ago In October Yeah the kids were like Should you put the tree up I was like

Fucky Yeah Why the fuck? You make no more How are you feeling About like first Christmas On your own Oh yeah I've thought about it

But I don't know I don't, it doesn't feel any different. I just don't feel like it's going to feel any different. The sad thing is more that my mum decided to book a holiday. My mum didn't really, and him didn't really get on. Okay, that's interesting. Yeah, and I feel like she booked a holiday this year

because she was like, I don't really feel comfortable when I come around your house. Like, he would just literally ignore her. Yeah, when he came around, yeah. And so my mom didn't really feel comfortable coming around, like, my house. And my mum is pretty much the only really person I've got. Like, I don't really have, like, huge amounts of family. And, yeah, she booked a holiday away with her friend because she was like, I don't really want to come around this year, to be honest.

And now will this happen? Yeah. Do you think anyone in your family or friends expected it? No. Do you think they wanted it, but never thought it would happen? I don't, I've always been very protective of him. And I've always really been protected of myself because I was in a violent relationship before I was with him.

And I always wanted to believe that I met the next person was the right person. for me so you're I'm very and I think that everyone does it they always want you show the world what you want people to see yeah I understand well I guess that's sort of like your TikTok yeah yeah like do you think that do you think that everyone that follows you were shocked no because I feel like if people who really followed me would realize that I stopped posting him for probably about two years ago and it was always just me and people like have you broken up like have you split with him and I was like to be honest I just can't pretend to be fake like with him and pretend that it's

like I've got nothing to give with him anymore like so what am I going to do to social media pretend that I'm in this like happy relationship but I don't feel like I am so you split up a month ago when did the only fans together stop or were you doing that up until literally like we had clubs booked in

like we was like going up to that brink input like yeah so I imagine it's still generating money because there's like content on this you just split that even right yeah and that's why I feel like Like the fake tattoo decision for him to clab already, like, it wasn't at best interest. Because I feel like you're still going to get half the money. And it's a big bulk of money.

Like, people would never get that, that sort of money. Like, he's going to have that for at least a couple of months. He could have waited a couple of months to sleep for someone else, but he didn't want to. Do you think that he may be set that up knowing that the marriage was coming to an end? Or you don't think. No, because I feel like we sort of discussed it between us. and it was sort of like

it was more of a me decision so I was trying to make him happy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, trying to make him feel like he's worth Yeah, worth something. Yeah, I feel like he needs to really go and do some work. Yeah, he should listen to this podcast. Yeah, and I kept saying to him like,

you need, like, to probably have like, um, what is it? Therapy. Like, yeah, therapy or counseling or just have someone who like guides you because, yeah, it's not good. Yeah. Yeah. what has the interaction been like I know you said that he hasn't seen the kids at all but have you had any of those sort of like final conversations or talk of the divorce or

have you started the divorce process? No the divorce process hasn't started we like obviously everything has been financial at the moment because literally I got I've got some of my money um I managed to he managed to get me on the app which was like so we we bank with tide which is online so when I was talking about money I was like I was like I I can't get into my bank. People are like, just go in the bank and ask for it, like, literally. And then I realized he set up the business account. I'm not even a business partner.

I was just literally like, had a card. Wow. Yeah. So did he set up the business? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So not only did he actually want the control over the finances,

he actually was the only one that had the access. You're lucky you're married? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Something like that. So do you have access now? I do have access now.

and I literally just withdrew my money out that was in that. But we have like, like, um, like Ises and things like that that I'm guessing her in his name. He's probably just put him in his name because I guess that's what he's done. That is the only good thing about being divorced when you get to financials. Yeah. Make sure you know all of that stuff. And then also like I keep saying to him like, I need help with this because I feel like

I'm going to get the short straw because I don't really know what I'm dealing with. Um, when it comes to like selling the house and things like that. Like I would sell the house now. You are you in the family home? I've got a good solicitor. Have you? Okay. I'll get there.

I'll give you a head of it. Yeah. I feel like we also know loads of people as well. Like even like when it, well, I guess like child arrangement, it doesn't seem like it's going to be a thing for him. No. No. That's not a thing.

But yeah. Yeah. I know someone growing. So he happily left the family home. Yeah. And that was financial as well because you've left me with a two thousand, one hundred, two thousand, one hundred pound mortgage that I've got to deal with. So he's not paying the mortgage.

No, he was like, I can't afford that. Relate. So. I'll just leave you with that burden. So he's actually left and not paying any bills? No. Any child maintenance? No.

He said that I earn more money than him. That was out, that I'm going to earn more money than him. That doesn't make a difference. Yeah. And again, it's just like my ex, like, I always pick men that can't buff to look after their kids and can't buff to pay for them. Well, you know what you need to do now? I'll go for a woman.

I mean, do you know what, though? Like, it makes sense. Like, women understand women better. Empetic. Yeah. yeah so like watch the space yeah but it's gonna be a whole generation of people who just maybe

you're gonna start the trend it's gonna be a whole generation I'm gonna be the leader for it yeah that's wild I think it is like proper giving like like like we said like man child like hasn't has obviously really struggle like what's his upbringing like

so when we was in like our therapy when we was doing the couples counselling like we learn a lot about each other to be honest and I learned that his parents were there but they weren't really like there was no like I tell my kids they're good like there literally before standing got out of the car today I was like you know handsome mate like that's me yeah like I'll always tell my kids they look good and he got no praise so he was he got brought up but with no emotion no emotion no like no more yeah yeah and to be honest like That does revert over.

So that's why he wants it all and he wants that validation externally. Yeah. And it reverts over to the way they are with the kids as well. His parents. His parents are together and you would think, like, because it baffled me for a long time, I was like, you have a stable home.

You've had a good upbringing, but actually they were there, but they weren't really there. I understand that, yeah. But I think that in itself shows that just, you know, I think from the outside looking in, everyone wants that like really nice family unit, your parents still together.

But that doesn't define the actual. No. The actual bond and relationship that families have. Yeah. And it does sound like... And they're good parents. Like, they're good people. Like, they were a nice family.

And he was brought up well and he's... For a long time, he's a nice guy. Like, but it's just didn't... Not without us, like us two together. Do you think he just got lost in the whole lifestyle? Yeah, I think so. I think just money... With that amount of money, I always hear it from people who like end up making so much money.

You like lose, like, the sense of reality. I remember him saying to the... the counsellor like the therapist like i'm so scared of losing the money that says it all doesn't it yeah but like you're so so he would hold on to this money like it was like he's like he was like i've never earned this amount of money so like i feel like i could just lose it in a minute but like at that point you're losing me what's more important yeah like if you had put more work into me you wouldn't have lost it yeah i agree so it's in that sense it like baffles me that the money was so important,

but the actual, he couldn't see that that was generated by how hard I worked. Yeah, and your value, what you bring, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I think the reality is though when someone is that fixated on

money. Yeah, like not an actual person. Yeah, feelings. Like, I think it's actually quite sad. You're like, almost like how you're speaking about him, I almost, if anything, like, feel sorry for him. Yeah. You almost have to have pity for him.

for someone that doesn't have that sort of like even the self-worth to yeah yeah i don't know i can't expect like it does sound sad i've never really heard like someone's version of a story to really hear them paint their part that like the man that they were with to seem so like insecure and like almost like he obviously really struggled with not feeling enough yeah and i feel like that really shows with how you're explaining your marriage and the relationship and how it broke down and what ended up being more important to him shows that the lack of self-esteem that he had. Yeah.

But you can't change someone, they have to want to fix themselves. Absolutely. You can show up however much you want to and beg them and want them to stay. You know, I very much relate to begging for pretty much the bare minimum. Yeah. But if they don't want to do it, then eventually something has to change. And us, all three of us, I've walked away from marriages. Yeah.

All coming out of the other side. So I think anyone like listening to this, like we say it time and time again, if they're in that sort of relationship or marriage or they feel like, oh, this is as good as it's going to get. Like, there is such thing as like a happy, wholesome, loving relationship. It doesn't have to be like... No.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. And it's sad because the beginning of our relationship, we had absolutely nothing. Like, nothing. Like, it was just... You've experienced that side of it as well. It's sad.

And that's when it was good. Yeah. Yeah, I do believe that money was the ruin of our relationship. Really. Yeah 100% I feel like it just because I always said to him like I could go back to having nothing easy and he couldn't and have each other yeah like he couldn't get like we I told it like before before we actually like I announced that it was over he moved out for a week prior to that then we was like oh like my financial situation wasn't great so I'm like oh I need to try and sort my finances out so it all sort of we got back together again but He went to a flat. He took his PlayStation. So he didn't think, how shall I work on this marriage?

Like, I've moved out. He took his place station. He wrote down all the bills and how he could keep his car. Oh, that's priorities, isn't it? His car was like priority and all of this. Not how can I save my marriage? No, it was like, how do I keep my car? How are my opening, though?

Yeah. That's all you need to know. How many times did you break up and get back together? What, towards the end? Yeah. At all? We never broke up before, like, ever. And it was just literally that last bit.

I was like, I'm done. Like, it's just done. So was it quite a bit back and forth right at the end? Yeah. You sort of like trial a bit of a separation. Yeah, I was like, do I go? Do I not? I was like, my financial situation's not great.

How is it going to be? Like, for me, on my own. I think you sort of stay because. I think a lot of a lot of it's scary. Yeah. I think there's so many people stuck in unhappy marriages because of that. Yeah. And then when, like, I could, Stanley, like, had a bit of a wobble.

Like he it was like oh we're not I sort of said to him I don't think mum and daddy can be together he was crying and I was like oh am I gonna ruin him but how is he finding it or he's he's thriving more now

he's thriving like yeah like I feel like um which is really sad is that that Mike saw Stanley's a reflection of himself and that was quite sad to say like sad to watch and I feel like

I was constantly saying to him like it felt like bullion to be honest because he didn't want him to be like him like he saw it as like I don't want him to be like me so because he obviously doesn't like himself that much like he just did he done that to Stanley and a lot of the time it it broke my heart with him when it came to that and when was in Dubai was walking around global village and Stanley said to me mummy I feel through oh yeah and it was like it was a really pivotal like moment for me that like a lot of my time I was fighting for Stanley no I really understand that oh bless him oh babe don't want a tissue oh you do you know what you are such an amazing mom that's when

you know you've done the right thing yeah like what a statement you are going to ruin him like as a person like if you're going to carry on talking to him like that you're going to ruin him as a person I don't want him to end up being like you yeah and like I feel like I try my hardest with my kids to like, like, not have any, like, I know that people go, oh, I just have trauma because of my job, but, like, emotional, like, I don't want them, I don't want him to have that. Like, I don't want him to grow up and feel like he was just bullied by his own dad. Do you know what?

We say it time and time again, you can't control how another parent, parents, and as long as a child has one solid, stable parent, they're going to be. And it's so clear what you give to your children and how much you pour into their cup that it's not going to matter what he does. I think the fact he even said that to you shows he feels so emotionally safe to be able to express that

because I think a lot of children when they go through breakups with their parents they can't really express how they're feeling. That must have just made you like, you know, that weight off your shoulders must just be like, I've done the right thing. Yeah. in the like the morning he's like he just gets up for school like so much easier because there's no one just constantly at him and a lot of my arg a lot of our arguments in the house were like evolved around stanley because of the way that he spoke to him and then i'd end up speaking to mike like rob like because i'd be like if you're going to talk to my child like that i'll talk to you like that and it just end up being this like me trying to protect my kids yeah and you have now yeah do you know i mean they're now in an environment where they feel more safe yeah yeah yeah

Yeah, which speaks volumes about, you know, you don't ever need to look back and be like, oh, have I made the right decision or not? And it does. I feel like that in itself highlights so much that staying for the kids is not a thing. We're so almost like brainwashed to believe that being in a two-parent household

is what makes our children better people and safe and not fucked up. But actually... It's a happy home. Yeah, like you can have a happy home that is with one parent, happier with one parent. Or safer. Yeah.

So that is just complete proof that like you've done the right thing, not just for you but for them as well, which you should be so proud of. So we end our episodes with an affirmation of the week. What is what affirmation? What is something that you would say to someone that's maybe listening that's going through, you know, they're in a relationship and they don't know whether they should leave or not? or they are scared to be on their own for the first time or just something that will inspire them.

As women, we always put everyone before us and we never put ourselves first and it's not selfish to put yourself first. No, I completely agree. And I feel like a lot of people will probably resonate with that. So she's mothers, we don't. But actually when you do start prioritising yourself, you become a better mother, a better partner, a better, you know, everything.

Yeah. And walking away seems so scary. but actually like doing it I feel so free like it's so free in yeah and I feel like any woman who if they just took that chance then they'll just see like a different life I think that's it isn't it

I feel like we always say when people are stuck with not knowing whether to leave or not at least leaving comes hope whereas like saying you're just stuck and I feel like you know we always say like if there isn't that pinnacle point or like you know something that has been really big like infidelity or whatever sometimes it is actually more dangerous when it's

just sort of mediocre because it's like oh i feel bad i shouldn't really break up her family because nothing too bad has happened but no one actually should be in a relationship where they're not feeling loved they're not feeling heard and imagine like living your whole life and never feel in love it's nice isn't it yeah one life yeah one life and like it's like 36 years has gone so quick for me and I feel like I'm still young and I feel like if I didn't choose that option now like I'm only going to get older and I feel like I'm so glad I done it now and didn't wait until my kids were left like because I think so many people will wait on until my kids have left home but yeah thank you so much we've loved I feel like we can talk for more hours

so insightful but thank you so much guys if you are not following Jess you need to go and follow her on Instagram and TikTok. Your TikTok is Jess Miller for? Oh, I changed it, didn't I? Yeah, can I quickly ask? I know he's like saying goodbye. How did you get the account? I nabbed it straight away.

I'm so pleased. I was like, I don't have any financial control, but I'm going on and changing them passways. Good for you. And he's had to start all over again. Yeah, because I worked my ass off for them TikTok. And it's you. It's most of you.

Good for you. Yeah, so please. So yeah, go and follow her. And we will see you guys next week. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.