Not As We Planned - Legally Nik: Answering Your Questions About Coparenting, Dealing With Narcissist's & A 50/50 Split | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: October 8, 2025

A very eye-opening episode which will give you an insightful understanding into the coparenting world, how to manage the legal battle with your children’s parent and growing through the trauma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. Welcome back to Not As We planned. Welcome, welcome. We, guys, we've had so many emails this week. So please keep writing them in. Please keep sharing, subscribing, liking, following, showing your support. It honestly, helps us so much. It really does.

How's your week been? It's great. I feel like you probably need to do your catch-up first. I feel like it might get emotional. Oh, shit. Okay. No pressure. Tash is always full of really exciting one.

No, to be honest, nothing, nothing's really happened this week. However, something that is new for me, that I feel like people will probably relate to the emotions that I'm feeling because when it comes to co-parenting, it's something that I have got used to, like it has been three years, but sometimes not having that control or accepting, not having that control in situations,

it sort of hit me again this week because their dad has informed me that he's moving. Oh. They're staying in the area, but I just feel like I hate not knowing about like, Like, I'm like, can I come and view the house? Like, I know that if he was to turn, if I was moving and he wanted to view it, I'd be like, no. But is it like, is it bad for me to feel like it's different for a mom?

Like, even just, like, he's going to be renting and it's a furnished property. So that means, like, they're not going to have their beds anymore that are at his. He's going to get rid of them. So, like, they're sleeping in, like, a bed, like, is he going to change the mattresses? And I'm not saying that he's incompetent. Things that you would think of that he would do. Like that mother's instinct of thinking of those things. And it just, it's filling me with anxiety.

Like, I keep messaging him being like, so has it gone through? Like, are you moving? Like, when are you moving? Like, can I see? Like, he has sent me photos, which I asked for. Again, it looks okay. Yeah, it looks nice. Like, I know that he's not going to move them into some like shared, yeah, like shared

house where there's some random man on the sofa. Well, that's positive. Yeah. Silver lining. There's no random men in there. But I don't know. It just, it just, it. I feel uncomfortable.

I understand. And Ivy is a very, she's quite like me, like likes her, yeah, she likes her home comfort. She doesn't like change. She does get quite like on edge about sleeping in a new place. And I don't know, I just, I want to be there. Not like with him, but like I just want to, I don't want to overstep and be like, are you buying new mattresses? Like, what are you doing with this? What are you doing with that?

I don't know if men think that way. and it's, I don't know. So I'm sure a lot of people can probably relate, but it's just like, I guess it's another new thing, isn't it? Yeah. But you're not really. So other than that, same time, boring week. You?

I had a very emotional wake. I won't lie. I have been in the trenches of just feeling, I felt depressed. I felt, I feel like I spent my weekend crying. Hopefully my eyes don't want to give it away. I had Milo's fourth birthday and the way the weeks fell

and I'd seen it in the diary for like a while back and I was like we'll process that when we get there I almost like try and delay it because otherwise you just end up stressing for longer so I knew it was coming and yeah it fell on his weekend we have an agreement with our childcare order

that on the birthday the other parent can spend like three hours with the child taking them for dinner or whatever. So I knew I had that. But it is not the same as waking up with your child on their birthday. You know, they run into your room with their excited footsteps. They're jumping your bed.

You do presents. And I woke up and the house was like eerily quiet. Like the silence was deafening. And I just sat there and basically spent like an hour crying. Like I was, and I felt like you end up spiraling. I was like, how did I get here? How did I get to the point where I'm not spending my child's birthday with him? And I was thinking, where did I go so wrong?

And like, I feel like you, and normally look, I, and this is why I always struggle with in these situations is I am a very positive person. And I'm almost like beating myself up for feeling negative. I was like, hang on, Carly, you're so valid in feeling all these things. Like, no one has a baby or carries a baby ever even contemplating. that it's never once gone through my mind that I might not wake up on my child's birthday with him and I hope you don't think that's going to happen when he's 17, I'm joking.

Come to mommy. Comey, baby. But no, I get it. And I'm quite proud of myself how I handled it because I feel like I could have made myself really busy like people did offer, come with me to do this, come in me and I was like, do you know what? I think sometimes we avoid feeling those negative emotions so much

And I was like, I'm going to give myself permission today to feel everything. And I almost feel like I needed that outlet. So I made no plans. I spent the morning crying. I set up his little birthday balloons and presents for when he was coming back. And then I took myself to the gym. And I really fucking needed that. That really helped me.

And I just felt everything I needed to feel. And it was one of the hardest days I think I've done co-parenting wise. Really up. I'd say I actually think I found that harder than Christmas if I'm being honest it really I don't know as well

because on my last Christmas I was with someone I had a boyfriend so I had someone else but this I was completely isolated I was on my own through my own choice but then I did get to pick him up

at four o'clock I took him back to our house he opened his presents we went for dinner and that was amazing and I did feel like it made me take in those moments more and then I had to give him back

can, it's just really, really difficult and Blake and Ivy's birthday falls on a Thursday this year and they're meant to be waking up with their own. And you know what, I wasn't going to speak about it because I'm always wary when I'm speaking about negative things online, but the amount of, I can't even, I couldn't possibly reply to everyone, but the amount of messages I had, like, I've been through this, I've got this coming, like I know exactly how you feel. It's just so validating and it just reminds me why we do what we do and I also had another situation I can't really delve into but a similar ish situation where there was a scenario happening with my children where I had zero control

that coupled with the Milo thing and some other personal things going on and in terms of family stuff I felt like everything was falling apart last week I literally felt like my life was falling apart last week and now I'm out the other side and I've made. managed to regain some control in an aspect, and I've got through Milo's birthday, I'm like, right, you've done it. You've got through one of the hardest days you thought was going to be the end of the world, and you've done it, and it was shit, it was unpleasant, but you sat in it, you didn't avoid it, you felt it, and you're still here. And I just want anyone listening who knows they've got those dreaded days coming up, they've got, they, you know, they know

this year might be their Christmas without their kids. They're hard, they're horrible, but Give yourself permission to feel what you need to feel and just know that day comes to an end and you'll move forwards and, you know, it's not going to kill you and it's going to be painful but you're going to get through it. Yeah, no, definitely. I mean, on that note, guys, if you're watching,

you may see that there's a slightly different set up today because today we have our very first guest in the studio. Guys, you are not even ready. This woman has personally saved me more times and I probably care to admit. Like, she is a real inspiration. I think for anyone who has gone through anything in terms of separation, co-parenting, anything like that,

she is like our guru of our voice of reason. Sorry, I could just see her in the background. She's like dying. She doesn't realize how much of an impact she has on people. So when Tash and I were writing a list of people we had to have on and we were both like, we need to have her. We both personally experienced her helping. So, yeah, let's bring her on.

So, guys, introducing the very amazing, legally Nick. She is a 40-year-old single mama. She's got two kids and a bonus one. She is a lawyer by day. And by night, she's a mom. You're a mommy. She's a mom. I'm a mommy.

Mama-a-tita. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Thank you. God, I can't believe. It's beautiful. Thank you so much. It's gorgeous. Yeah, if you don't like pink, you never like it.

I love it. Can you do like a little introduction just for anyone who might not be aware of Nick? Where have you been? But a little introduction about what it is you do. Okay, so I was a child protection lawyer, solicitor for 13, 14 years. And then some life shit went down and I realized that there's so much information that people need access to that they shouldn't have to just go and pay 350, 450 pound per hour to get. So I started making a few videos on TikTok,

Instagram, and it sort of did well. Yeah. It did well. Just spoke about things that you've been through. I've been through. Clients that I've spoken to have been through. I guess I just spoke to the camera I wanted to see who would connect with that

and people connected and that's very humbling and lovely and I guess it's led me to do things like this. Do you know what I think is also really nice. I think that I probably speak for a lot of people, the sort of stuff that you talk about and share that obviously people want to know and want to gain that knowledge,

knowing that you've also been vulnerable about that you've gone through it, I feel like it's much easier to connect with someone where you know that they can relate I think, so I don't go into details of my specific experiences and I thought that that might hinder me but the fact that

a lot of what I don't say resonates it speaks volumes yeah and people can connect some dots and make their own yeah and link it to their own service I guess in a way it's almost like we haven't delved you know massively into what we've gone through

yeah but enough for people to relate connect, exactly. And that's, again, that was very, just like, you know when you're in it. Yeah. And even just like finding this podcast, I was like, oh my God, there are so many people that are going through it. And I just thought it was just me. Yeah, you do. Yeah. So just feeling like you're helping others whilst you're self-healing and connecting with them has been kind of life-changing. Yeah. And I feel like that's exactly. how we feel about what we do so I feel like it was almost like we needed someone like you on here

also the amount of emails and stories that we get where people are sometimes asking us questions and we don't really feel like we've got that knowledge to give that advice and then it's really hard like we do always recommend going to follow your page but I remember the first time I came across your page and I think it was right at the start of everything

at the start of my divorce and I didn't have the answer to something And I feel like there was a, I can't even remember what one it was. And you've done her a real one and I was like, wait a minute. I need to follow this lady. Like she is speaking to my soul. And I think that's what it is. Like you're very like approachable and it's just amazing.

So if you don't already go and follow her, going hit the follow button now. She's amazing. But we are going to ask us some questions. So we did put up question boxes on our pages. Some of you did email in and wow, you blew us up. Yeah. So we have picked some of the ones that we feel like would. that kind of serve a lot of you.

A lot of you have very, very similar questions. So we're going to delve in. She is an abundance of knowledge. So please, if you're going through anything like this, listen, if you know anyone who could benefit from listen to this episode, you know you've got a friend going through a divorce, a separation, they're just about to start navigating co-parenting. This is the episode you need to direct them to.

Amen. Let's do it. What's the usual arrangement for separated parents when I'm exclusively breastfeeding? I mean, I don't even know the answer to this, So I'm, I imagine there's some kind of. Because I was, I was exclusively breastfeeding, but I, when you separated? No, I, I pretty much waited until. Until then, and then you were like, right, okay.

Yeah, because, so I stopped exclusively breastfeeding as he turned one, and then we separated four months later. Okay. So it wasn't like in my head where I was like, I'm going to, really. I wasn't like I'm going to leave him once he can take a bottle. But, but, yeah, right, yeah, I'm intrigued. So there's no. set precedent or law on this that by this point child should be removed from the breast and

you know be given to given to the father i guess with most elements of the legal world it depends on who you go in front of right but generally a very strong argument can be made that infant to one, there shouldn't be a removal from a breastfeeding baby. Now, when we get to around one, the argument starts to get a bit stronger that we should be looking to wean off the boob. What I tend to hear from a lot of mums is that my child still needs the boob at night, still needs it for comfort, totally get that experienced it. And this isn't me saying, right, get the baby off the boob but you need to be looking

like, you need to be presenting as if you are working towards coming off. And if you can't, if the baby can't then it's not your thought. It's not your fault. The or I could never get on a bottle. I hear that. I hear that. I guess at the end of the day

once the baby starts weaning on food, the boob isn't their primary source of substance right? But it starts to become more of a comfort and that like totally understand that and nobody's saying that they're going to rip

or they shouldn't be ripping the baby off the boob but once we get to one plus we should be facilitating a plan that looks towards it's heartbreaking isn't it is it actually blows my mind because I feel like you hear so much and like I obviously can't say too much

about my experience in it you hear so much about we're we're going to go with what's in the child's best interest. Right. And I do feel like sometimes a lot of it actually when you're in front of people, it's not actually, it doesn't feel that way. I feel like their position for child's best interest is a relationship with both parents. That doesn't mean equal amount of time, but it has to be at that start point that they have access to, like reasonable access. Yeah. So would you say that when it comes to wanting to make sure that both parents have that relationship,

that that probably overrides the need for being breastfed. Well, again, it's dependent on the age, right? Yeah. Because if I'm saying one to, sorry, zero to one, especially zero to six months, yeah. That's their substance, that's their need. So I'm saying, like, there's a strong argument as to why an overnight isn't going to be possible. Yeah. Right.

But once I get to like 10.1 plus. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Then their argument starts to get stronger that the baby's starting to we now. This is now more of a comfort thing. And we're not trying to, you know, torture the child by just doing a strict removal. But we need to be talking about a plan. So a gradual process.

Yes. Yes. And if I've got a mum in front of me that's like, no, not going to happen. We need to strategise. We need to talk. Okay. So it's just about planning. Yeah. I know we've got questions, but I just want to quickly ask one thing. Would you say the majority of your clients are women? Yes. Do you ever get that? I do speak to, like listen, I speak to dads.

Yeah, I'm just intrigued. Do you get many men? Yep, I do. I get. I actually know a man who's spoken to you. Yes, absolutely. I've spoken to a fair few men. I've supported them.

They're good dads. I just predominantly speak to women. Which I'm not surprised. But I was just intrigued if you do get those dads that are like, I really want my kids more. I feel like if you're a dad that comes to me, you've, you've got, yeah, you've got your heads screwed on. A couple times I've had to be like,

I can imagine that must be really hard. But I'll give them, I said, you're not paying me lip service. I'm going to tell you what's what. You don't like it. You go. Love that. But they've listened. They have listened.

Obviously, we reached out to you for a reason. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. They're obviously probably see what you sound from that you talk about. Sometimes they're knocking down a peg or two, don't they? Yeah, I just say like, that's your ego talking. But look, I speak to mum's like that sometimes too. Like, is that your ego? Or is that, like, is it you that's feeling that? Or is that your child?

You know what, Nick? Yeah, that's... I think it's really hard that thing you've said about the ego. I think particularly as a co-parenting parent and feeling when you're the default parent and feeling like you know what's best, I've definitely had to quieten my ego a few times and be like, is that actually a thing? Or is that like your ego speak?

Like, chill girl. Yeah, no, I've had that and I feel like I find it really helpful having a boyfriend who also co-parents. Sometimes he'll be my like voice of reason and I'll sort of have a bit of a blow out and he's like, I love you, but actually... See it from here?

Yeah, having a man's point of view about... He is the dad as well with his side and sometimes it does bring me back down to earth to realise sometimes actually I'm not, believe it or not, perfect all the time. So sometimes... What? I know. horror um but yeah sometimes you do need to have someone be that voice of reason and sort of

bringing you back down yeah yeah i mean gently i can hold your hand whilst we whilst we do that yeah because i don't think sometimes like it comes from like a negative and malicious place it comes from a place of like protection like that maternal like and it's really hard to take that step back sometimes to be like what what is this actually and i've definitely got better at that it's this is not what we planned exactly You know, no one ever, ever expects it, right? No. No.

No. Got to make the best of a bad situation. Right. Legally, how much does their father, I guess we switch it around or mother, the other parent, need to tell me about my baby when she is with him? Legally, so I'm going to be super clinical about this. You may not like this after, but legally, just a big ticket item, which is health. Yeah. So if a major medical issue happens, immediately needs to be informed.

If medication has had to be given, CalPol, something like that. Because obviously when the child transfers into the other parents care, then, you know, that's information that they need to know. So legally, that is the answer. So what about, like, if they're at the park and they have a fall? I mean, yes. So, like, that's good co-parent. parenting. Okay. That's good co-parenting. So maybe legally they might not have to provide

that. Like if we're going to go proper clinical about it. Yeah. But that part of good parenting is, oh, they grazed their knee. We had a fall. Yeah. Otherwise, I'm going to see that. And why did they do that? Why didn't you tell me what happened? Was that an non-accidental injury? Do I need to call social services? Why do we want to take it to those places? Yeah. So communicate. Yeah. I've had situations like that before where my kids have come back and like Rome's got like a cut on his face. I'm like, well, where's that? What's happened? He's like, oh. And then like the kids have actually said like, oh, I did it by mistake. And then I'm like, that's cool. But like, can you just let me know? So I don't. Part of that is if he, like your son had a fall in his dad's care,

he cut his head. Dad didn't really take much notice of it. But maybe you would take notice of it. Maybe you would take him to the hospital. Maybe you would have him seen the concussion. So those things really should be shared. But also it's sometimes like when you're open the door and you suddenly see your kid and his face is all like, but one time, one time I actually, we weren't in a good place and we weren't really talking and Rome came back and he looked like he'd been in a fight and I literally said to him. Milo came back missing half a two. I said, I literally said to him. I didn't know anything about it. I almost spoke, I spoke like, he hadn't noticed. You know when you speak through the children. So like I said to Rome,

like, oh my God, what's happened to your face? You look like you've been in a fight and his dad was like obviously he hasn't and it's like but tell like I don't want to see my kid yeah warn me I think the hardest thing is look they've got parental responsibility and you have to presume that when they're in their care they're being responsible and I think that is really challenging I think it's similar to what we said at the beginning of our episode in our catch up like control that lack of control because you do something a certain way and I think as well with with the co-parenting and the miscommunication you often find, I know, I certainly have, that you're

parallel parenting and you're not on the same page with how you necessarily navigate things or go about things, whether that's an accident or whatever it is, or even like the attention to noticing those things, because I feel like mothers in particular have that, like, natural, like, I can notice if, like, a hair's out of place. Like, you can see the difference, whereas I just don't feel like, men don't really notice those things. And sometimes that's not such a bad thing. Sometimes we can be a bit too much. Oh, 100. I remember when we first separated, I would literally message him and be like, what did they have for lunch, did Rome?

Because Rome was so young, I was like, what time did he nap? Like, how long was his nap? So I know what time to put him down. And it got to a point where I just had to let go of realizing, like, no news is good news. Yeah. It doesn't matter what they ate yesterday. They're here. Yeah.

They're not going to wear away. Yeah. And it's letting go. As long as it's, look, the bar is pretty low in this country for what's expected of parents. It just needs to be good enough. parenting. And I think that when you radically accept that as long as they are fed, watered, bathed, spoken to respectfully, you know, when they come back to your care, they're going to get the best of the best. Yeah. When they're over there, you sort of need to, it comes with the

separation that they're not going to get what I would expect or I would give them or what I would want for them. But that is their other parent. And I have to, accept that that's how they parent during their time. They want to be on the iPad for a few hours, several hours. If they want to eat sweets, if they want to have McDonald's for breakfast, dinner. Those aren't safeguarding issues. I mean, we've had arguments before about the iPad,

about certain games that he's allowed them to have on the iPad, the YouTube, and I know they're not legal things, but it has been that battle of me really, really doing enough work to accept and let go of what I cannot control. I've had similar with things like even films they're allowed to watch. Yeah, I mean, hello, look at what happened with the whole bus situation with my kids and... Yeah. Yeah. I just feel like we are not on the same level of maybe what we also perceive as safe.

Yeah. But yeah, it is, like you said, it's I guess accepting that even if it is bare minimum there, as long as they are safe. Yeah, yeah. And safe in the clinical legal sense. Yeah, not what you consider to say. Because obviously we have our own definitions of what safe is. I think it's also very hard when the child is so young

and you've got to even think about things like how they're placing their cot. Are they, you know, like I don't want them to overheat. Like, so many people have classy issues. So again, is that not a thing legally? I mean, it's legal. As long as it's within the standards of a car seat, right? Exactly. I'll tell you that it should be a thing and you can you can present it as a thing but I can't guarantee that who I'm in front of is going to take it as seriously as they should

because I know I'm very like anal with like my car seat situation so I just I've just made piece of the fact like he's probably more like normal than me which is fine but it's even things like I we eat like 8% organic in my house and I've like said oh have you tried these raps with the kids and he was like, oh, no, like, yeah, things like that, you just have to let go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. Oh, gosh. This is interesting.

I'm interested in this answer. Oh, so am I, because we are, I've actually shared it before we've gone back to mediation, although we're divorced. Yep. So this is interesting. Does child maintenance cover uniform after school activities and can we confirm what it does actually cover?

Everybody asks this question. Really? And it's just... It's not clear. I've Googled it. Is it not? No. Okay, right.

Because it's so clear to me. But I feel like you live and breathe there. We all need to know the opposite of this. No, so am I. Because I want to know where I stand. Child maintenance covers everything in your care. Okay. So there's no separate box.

There's no separate entity. There's no separate box when it comes to the uniform, um, clothes, after school activities, um, holidays. whatever, whether you're getting £7.50 a week, whether you're getting $750 a month, it's meant to cover everything, nursery fees, whatever. And that is a hard, bitter, ass pill to swallow. And I hear it. And I don't, I'm going to say, I hope he doesn't listen. No, but I'm going to get to the next bit. Go, go. I'm going to get to the next bit. I know. Trigger. Trigger warning, absolutely. Trigger warning. No exit listen.

but this is the difficult this is the difficult part unless oh but my friend well maybe unless your ex is earning over a certain amount what amount 153,000 154,000 it's quite a significant amount at that point you can then apply through the private family courts the schedule one application for a top up and the top of can cover school uniforms it can cover private school fees holidays could even cover a house wow right dependent on the significant difference of your earnings with his so it's wild isn't it needs an overhaul it needs looking at it needs you know complete readjustment but when people contact me and they're like yeah but

I can't afford the nursery fees like yeah he's not paying for them and I'm just like yeah he he doesn't have to pay I find it so crazy that they can go to work and earn their money when they don't have their kids certain days of the week and you as the mother you have to go and work so you have to put your kids in childcare

and you're the one paying so you're not actually taking money home because you're paying for child care not just that collie but they can choose when they're going to see their kid so they yeah exactly i'm not i'm not available on a wednesday i'm not available on a thursday so i can't come yeah but i need your child needs you like for resources it's it's required no and nobody can force them no court no judge no order can force them to have contact that you need them to have or their children need them to have but okay so legally that's really fucking interesting Yeah.

Not really what I wanted to hear. Yeah, I'm sorry. But let's talk about, like, but positive co-parenting, you would expect the father to be like, let's place the child's best interests at heart. Of course. Their mum is covering everything else.

They're paying for a mortgage. They're feeding my kids. They're looking after them. You'd like to think, here's some money for some uniform. I know that's going to help. Of course. You know.

Yeah, but come on. Let's put them an extra curriculum. Let's also be a bit realistic. If we were actually choosing to separate and divorce from these people, like there must be a reason. I know a lot of people who have really amicable splits

and I do sometimes look at them with them be like the things they do for the mothers of their kids or vice versa what they receive and I'm just like... You want to avoid going through the formal channels of child maintenance service if you can so you want to be able to sit down at separation and say right let's talk about finances

because you know your man probably wants to save and squirrel as much as he can right? What can you realistically give to me? And also can we put some pots aside for once a year, September, you know, we know that school's coming. Can you put 100, 150 quid in? Can you put an extra in for the, you know, skiing trip that the kids got or whatever? Yeah, right? That's the hope, that's the dream. That's where I hope that we can get to. That's what we're striving. Yeah, can I ask, if one of you then lives with another person,

Yes. Does that change anything with like the CMS or? So, so my, so my understanding is that, yeah, it can, it, it can have an effect to it. The ins and outs of it, I'm not sure. I'm not. I know it affects the financial orders. Right. Right. Right. Because you're essentially got a two income household versus a safe. Does it change CMS? I know that if a father is living with a. new partner that has children and he is contributing to their care that can affect the money that you then lowering it and what happens if it's the other way around and the woman is now living with a man does that mean that the amount of money that you get from the father of your children my understanding is that's not the same no it's if if the father has other children to careful. I know that's when it comes down. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yeah. Not even biological. Cool. That's a hard one. The whole system is why. The whole system. How do we change? The more I learn about it. No, like genuinely, I've been thinking I want to start a revolution. Like sometimes I'm laying in bed like this. I don't need to change. I don't think you've got to start time. I'm going to

Downing Street and I'm handcuffing myself. Can you make sure you don't do it on a Thursday? Okay. You do your your thing on a Wednesday, Tuesday. But you know what you're lying then? You start thinking about things and I think

it's not too you're in those situations or you're like battling some of the things that you're like, this is actually fucked. Yeah, this is so unfair and particularly on the women like as well I think I feel quite passionately today because I'm feeling so overwhelmed with stress like financially everything

I'm very much like this thing's fighting for right now like it's fucking wild and we get so many women like writing in like with these situations like self-employed men who declare they're barely earning anything. They literally get like three pounds a week. It's fucking embarrassing.

And they're like, can you do anything to help me? And I'm like, no. I know. It's just wild, isn't it? It must be so frustrating. So frustrating. So frustrating.

There are a lot of situations that you get. And that's why sometimes I make these videos where like I want to embarrass you. Yes. I love those videos. Like, I can't help you, right? But when your ex is scrolling and my rule comes up, I hope you read it. I hope you look at it.

And you go. yeah yeah yeah it's gonna hit a nerve or I hope you see it on your ex's a story Risha I'm just like you're so bad that that was that's very eye-opening yeah I definitely feel like yeah that's I feel like it's gonna help a lot of people just just to my knowledge the education of it because I've always I typed into Google and it told me something different so it's very interesting I think also you know you probably have a lot of people that are sitting there pushing fighting for it yeah not realising that actually what they're fighting for isn't actually

word doesn't stand was like somebody messaged me and asked me the advice very similar I gave it to her then she put it into Jach GPD then she sent me that advice and she was like but Jach GPD says this and I was like yeah but Jat GPD isn't considering this and this yeah so I was just I guess it's different if you're then going through court for financial orders you can get certain things put in yeah because in my without going into too much detail. We have agreed certain things that is completely separate to what you have just said. That would maybe cover some

of those other things. That's what, yeah. That's one thing. Financial orders in divorces are different. You want to put those things in there. Get advice, get support. Are financial orders a thing if you're not getting divorced? Or can you make it a thing? Only under Schedule 1. Okay.

Yeah. So if they're earning over a certain amount of money. So say you're not married? No. Fucking hell. I really. even consider that? Wow, okay. Yeah, the marriage can save you,

assist you. I've got to be honest, that's why, like... I've got marriage. No, that's why when sometimes people say things to it, again, like, maybe I shouldn't say that. I just feel like if you've got, if you're going into another relationship and you've already got divorced,

I'm not saying go into it thinking it's going to end but be mindful to get married I just feel like when sometimes people are like oh I don't want to do it again or keep your finance is absolutely separate like just be more mindful

I was not smart like that so I just marry them with their rich basically it's you they're all rubbish out there I can back for that just go for the rich men might as well be miserable with money in the bank Yeah, literally. I'm joking.

Right. Another really good one. Can I change my daughter's surname without permission if there is no poor order? No. My gosh. Like, so this one, people come to me all the time. They're like, well, I changed my daughter's name. I just went through Deephole.

They didn't ask me any questions. I know because they shit up their job. So, legally, I just, you know, it's the truth. Yeah. So legally, and you can see it on the gov. dot UK website it's out there right you have to have permission from all parties that have parental

responsibility before you can change your child's name including adding any part to a name okay like a double barrel because I know that that's going to come next because everybody asked so like so you wanted to add a double I say you wanted to add a husband's name but you wanted to add

your kids were always double barrel right now so how would you go about it if they don't agree to it okay so obviously you asked them You might get a solicitor to write them a letter to give them a little nudge. Mediation, specific issues order for court. C-100 specific issues. Is it normally granted?

Yeah, my friend took her ex to court. She wanted their son to be changed double barrel. And he was like, no, and she took him to court and she won. Okay, how old was the child? Young. Okay, so. Okay, right. So, again, very much depends on who you go in front.

There isn't a set law about it. Why, how can there not be a set law? It's what is in the best interest of the child. It can't just be because I want them to have my name. Fine. I thought it would be in the best interest of the child. So I present arguments as to why it is in the best interest of the child. And there are several of them. But one that helps is if they're young, because the name isn't established yet.

Fine. Yeah, he was young. They separated when she, like, gave her. So I might not be at school yet, like, or I haven't had a couple years at school yet. I'm so glad I got married down with her. Yeah, yeah. I didn't, but like, what a mouthful,

Gersfield, Crawford. Yeah, but... Although Crawford's so much nicer. It is. Yeah, it really is. Shout out, dad. But, yeah, so you need, yeah, you need that permission. If you don't have that permission,

there are options out there. So do you think it's quite likely to get rejected? If just say, like, for example, my kids, this is, this wouldn't, I would never do this, but just say hypothetical, I get remarried and I want to change my kids double barrel to my new married name. Yeah, I think you're going to have difficulty there. Cool. Yeah, I agree. I wouldn't do it anyway.

Yeah, you'd have difficulty there. Fine. I'm not going to say, I'm not going to waste my time. Yeah. But that's a harder fight. Yeah. I understand that as well. Yeah.

I do understand that. Yeah. Right. Do that. Okay. Okay, oh, I was waiting for this one. Okay. Okay, the kid's dad wants 50-50,

but doesn't have beds for them and they sleep on the floor on cushions. Yeah, that's not happening. Cool. Come and talk to me. I see a lot, I see you do a lot of things about parents who go for 50-50 when, you know, they've not got the means to,

or like, their job doesn't allow it, or time and that. I feel like a lot of parents go for 50-50, because they feel threatened. Do you think some of it's got to do in child maintenance as well? What do you mean by feel threatened? I feel that they feel like, well, I'm not being told when I can, and I can't see my kids.

So it's more a control thing? Yeah, 100%. I see it as a control thing. So I start to advise people that I wonder if you took that control element out of it and just said a few gentle words to appease them, which is also the truth. such as I didn't have children to do it 100% on my own. I actually did this to do it 50% with you.

I didn't want to do it like this, but if we can be working towards what we both want in our child's pace at the right time, we'll get there. Just don't apply so much pressure, not so much agro, not so much toxicity around it. I feel like when you take a bit of that fear, away from them, the threat starts to, and I do see it as a threat. Really? Yeah, I do see it as a threat because I feel like if you do not have a job that allows

you to do it, if you're getting your mum to come and do it all the time, if you don't have the means to have them 50% of the time, you are saying it as a threat. So yeah, that's something that I wanted to ask because I feel like we get a lot of people that maybe reach out to us and they're like, I don't want to leave, I don't want to end this marriage or relationship because I can't bear the thought of having my kids 50%. 50 and I know that he'll push for it if they are in a job that cannot accommodate for them to be around can they will they get 50 50 if they push for it well I can't like that's a really wide question yeah yeah so like I need way more details it's not just it's not just based on the

job it's the individual case it's the individual case absolutely but I tell you that that fear is is is so real yeah I hear it um parents like to say it to scare you to not leave but the truth is is that if they are not doing even 5% when you're together they're not doing it when you separate.

Yeah so I feel like I've said that to a lot of people I've sort of said and this could be so wrong don't court sort of look at like what the children are used to and if 80% of the time they've always been with them on dads at work every day. It's called status quo so they look at the status quo

they see what the care arrangements are to start with and they go from there okay and then they look at a seven point welfare checklist to determine what is in the best interest of the children and that seven point checklist includes but isn't limited to you know um wishes and feelings of the children their sex age education when is that taken into account so wishes and feelings tends to be taken into account around 11 plus however if we've got safeguarding issues so if we've had abuse illicit substances significant alcohol consumption issues that would require gambling and being involved in it would and something that would require an in-depth assessment then the wishes and feelings of the children will be taken into consideration even at four years old and

Is it going to be, you know, benchmarked as, right, exactly whatever that four-year-old wants, he gets? Potentially not. But they'll be heard. I think that is the scary thing. And I do also sometimes think that even if and when, like, the courts or whoever grants the 50-50, sometimes the other parent can't always adhere to that. And when in the reality of, like, having to, like, navigate it. I always say, I always say that if you don't have a safe co-parent. and the court have granted them whatever you are always because as the safe co-parent as the

primary like you are the primary right you are the default you are always going to be on your toes do you know what even if they have every other weekend yeah always going to be on your toes when it comes to how they behave how they act how they parent and there's a radically accepting that as well that you can't eradicate them from your child's life maybe you don't even want to eradicate them from your child's life. But you are going, like it's going to be another part of your job and part of your parenting

to process that you are always going to be on your toes and on that protective mode. I think the most frustrating part for me is when you hear, for me, the men that push for 50-50, but you know that when they've got them, that 50% of the time, majority of the time,

they'll be with his parents. That was, he's at while. Another question, that was one of the questions there. And does that not hold any fun? Here, go, yeah, read the next question. It says, what do I do if my ex is making his mum fulfil court ordered time when I can reasonably do it?

Okay, so if I have a situation whereby that's happening, like before, when I'm in court, I might want to put recitals or orders in place which state that I'm first right of refusal. Yes. So we got, what's that name? Yeah. Yeah, so basically that you ask me before you give the children to somebody else for,

maybe if you're going to be away for 24 hours or more than seven hours or something like that, you ask me first rather than somebody else. Say for in this situation, we don't have that and we've had the court order and now he's giving all responsibility to grandmother. Obviously that is not okay. There has to be a reasonable acceptance that of time being spent with grandmother. with grandparents or a partner or whatever because his time also allocates for time to be spent

with the paternal side of the family, right? However, if I've got a situation where this is all the time happening, I'm going to try to engage him in a conversation, I'm going to probably send him a solicitor's letter, I'm going to invite him to mediation, I'm going to make an application to vary the order, okay? Because you're not caring for the child for the entirety of the time

that you're meant to be having them their mother is available I will do it and I will make them available to grandmother for specific times for her to have contact or that time can just be on your time which is reduced

that's it so do you think that if that is known from the start before anything is put in place they're unlikely to get the 50-50 absolutely because I'm in proceedings with you I'm not in proceedings with your mother or your partner. Yeah.

Okay, so that's the argument that I'm going to be presenting here. Does that sound strong though? Well, if I've got evidence that you do not have a job that allows you to be present, then who are you intending to care for our children?

Okay, fine, so that's what I wanted to know because I feel like that very, although generic, that can he have 50-50 if he's not ever going to be around, the simple answer is probably no. No, no. Okay, that's interesting. Make sure you've got the evidence.

Have quality contact. I'm telling, of course you can have time with the children. Make that quality time with them. I want quality time with them too. There's already a division now. Sometimes it's just the spite, isn't it? To take them away, it's the control. And I feel like it's the maintenance.

Avoiding the maintenance. I do think a lot of people do it for the maintenance. A lot of people do that. But you know, I should warn that a lot of people do do that, but I can't lead with that argument. I understand. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that's not the primary focus.

That cannot be my primary focus. We need to look at other things. Even though we know. Any tips for co-parenting with a narcissist? Constant backlash, texts, etc. Plays victim always. Follow legally next. My entire page is dedicated to that.

I mean, again, it's a huge question. And on my page, I do go into lots of different scenarios and situations whereby you need to protect yourself but i'll put it this simply you can't co-parent with a narcissist you cannot co-parent with a counterparent and once you radically accept that and that you can only really parallel parent and you need to focus on your parenting during your time that will bring you a lot of a big breath okay pace yeah right after that there are certain things that you can put in place in order to protect and boundary,

one of those things might be a court order. Okay? So it might be, this is where our drop-offs and pickups are going to be. So I don't have to see you or I'm protected when I see you so that you're not coming to my house, something like that.

That we have defined times, that there's going to be pickups at the school gates rather than having to see you directly, that we're going to communicate via a parenting app. yeah um that i can block you off of everything else so i mean it's vast right but i think we start off with that question was how do i co-parent with a narcissist you can't we need to accept that you need to accept that you don't it is that that that's it isn't it i think like even what i was just saying at the beginning and losing that control not even the fact that i co-parent with a

narcissist it is sometimes actually doing the work yourself and that acceptance yes will give you more peace than trying to constantly battle with someone that just cannot see you. I always say, like, pick your battles. Yeah. Pick your battles. Decide what hill that you're prepared to die on. If you're prepared to die on that, he'll come and talk to me and we'll see what we can do to help you with that situation.

Otherwise. It's the boundaries, isn't it? It's setting those certain things you're willing to do. I know for me, like, we only. contact each other via a parenting app and that has changed the game for me because I know you can't delete the messages everything's there everything's accountable you're accountable for it so there same with like having the times places I find that really helpful in terms of even just like managing expectations um app close yeah up close it's free you would at close my family

we have like a calendar on it so you know there's certain dates like it's nothing can be argued there's like using things against each other, it's there, it's all in one place, like, you know, you've got something coming up, you put it on there and it's a mutual place. I find that really, really helpful. Truly learning what to respond to as well, I think is very important. Yeah, we speak about that quite a lot. Or even taking the time to step back, like process. There's like empowerment in your silence, you know, like truly, truly.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like no reply is better. Yeah. Okay. We're going to finish off with one last question. We have so many. We're obviously just going to have to go back on. Guys, if we didn't answer your questions today, please just go and follow Nick. You can scroll through her page. I guarantee there'll be something there that's going to be helpful to you. Okay. How to deal with the co-parent telling my son bad things or lies about me and it is affecting him. Okay, I get this a lot. This is channels back to always being on your toes because this isn't something that will likely ever. change. So I really encourage parents to teach their children about critical thinking that what they hear from their other parents, not just their other parents, from their friends, from their future boyfriends and girlfriends, that they don't have, if their gut is telling

them that something's not right about that, to listen to it and to question it. That's really interesting. Yeah. And there are some really good books out there to help children specifically. there's a one book in particular called the sky is red you can get it off amazon it's a children's book just about a child that is constantly told the sky is red when he knows the sky is blue okay okay yeah so um read that to your children go like go through it if they directly come to you and say like daddy says this about you okay that's not very kind do you think that? Do you think that's something I would do? Do you think that's something that I would think or I'd be capable of doing? Has mommy ever done that to you? No. But why would daddy say it then?

I don't know why daddy would say it, but I just want you to understand and I want you to question whether you think that's something that I would do. That's really interesting. I've had some situations, one of which, when my kids came home from their dad, they were told not to tell me something that had happened because they knew I wouldn't be happy with it and Rome being four told me and when he did Ivy started crying saying no you're going to get daddy in trouble and I said what do you mean she said that he told us that we couldn't tell you otherwise we're going to lose our iPads and I dealt with it in quite a similar way when you're put on the spot there you almost like don't know what to do because you know

you want to sort of be like, he's a fucking liar. You're a liar. You're a liar. You're a liar. I was just like, because she was so upset, I was like, right, first of all, we all need to calm down. No one's getting in trouble. And I was almost sort of trying to emphasize.

Hold my poodle. Literally. Hold my poodle. This is a safe space. And what we all need to be aware of is us fought together, we can always be honest with each other and always tell the truth. Yeah. And no one's going to be.

get in trouble for that. I always tell them all the time how much I don't like it if anyone lies and being honest is the best way and that's pretty much all I did in regards to that. That's perfect I'll have it over silly things like don't tell mummy that we had these sweeties at 12 o'clock at night

I'm like bro it's okay it's fine yeah you can tell me yeah so I think it's just I think I just want to encourage them that like they can tell them I'm anything absolutely and I'm not I mean obviously I went fucking psycho him but they're not going to know that yeah um and i said like i'm not going to say anything to him

like this is a safe space like what you tell me stays here i mean i completely lied you know he got the smack now um yeah but we don't like be honest with your kids it's be honest with your kids oh no the park is shut today um but no that was really really interesting that was amazing like i feel like i've learned so much already, that was like really knowledgeable. I'm sure anyone listening, you've learnt something today. I know, I have. Yeah.

We always end every episode with an affirmation of the week. So do you have anything, whether it's like one piece of a bias or something that people can take away, something positive, that they can repeat to themselves or, you know, hold on to if they're going through something really tough? What would be your affirmation of the week? I would say that, what? Whatever you've been through is both the marking and the making of you.

There's who you were before the trauma and there's who you are after. And who you are after, even though you can't see it at the beginning because you're just consumed. But who you are after is the most beautiful, compassionate, empathic. That's what you're saying, seriously. Like, but it's true Because I feel like when you go through the trauma at the beginning You hate yourself, you hate who you've become

You hate how bitter, her, angry you are And then when you go through the healing It's become the marking and the making of you It literally has so much You go out and you help other people You become more compassionate, you listen harder to people Yeah, so That was amazing

Thank you. Just set Carly off. Fabulous. Very emotional person. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. We hope you loved it. Make sure you share it.

There must be someone you know who could really benefit from listening. Go and even put it in your group chat, your WhatsApp, whatever it is. And thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.