Not As We Planned - My Best Friend Lied To Me For 10 Years…

Episode Date: July 8, 2026

What would you do if you found out your best friend had been lying to you for over a decade?In this episode, we unpack one listener’s shocking story, review another dating profile, help a man navigating struggles in his marriage, and talk about the common mistake people make by confusing emotional unavailability with chemistry.If you’ve ever questioned your relationships or your dating choices, this one’s for you.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high and I am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys. And welcome.

Hello. Welcome back to another episode of Not As We Plan. We hope you are stunning. Enjoying this gaudy weather. Heat wave. heat wave. Finally. Not sort of heat waves.

Just summer is eventually showing up. I thought it was... I know it stresses me out with like having to fake tan all the time. I fake tan all the time in winter. Yeah, I know. But it's like that pressure of like, oh God, I need to like exfoliate that all off and then do like a fresh tan. But then you can't tan the minute you've exfaliated. You've got to like leave it a bit.

And then I'm like, oh God, I can't be pale for that day because I've got to have my skin out. And then last night I stayed up to watch the England match. And then I was about to get in bed. I was like, I haven't tanned. Yeah. It's imagine life as a naturally tanned person Or you know one of those people that's just like I'm like oh my god how come you're so brown

They're like oh yeah I was at the park yesterday with my kids No I don't Sorry okay yeah that's not okay That's my best friend I'd be like Stunned She's sat in the guard for like an hour And she looks like she's been away for two weeks That's my two girls I was away with

Not fair No no it's just I'm so happy for my daughter Bless her heart Any update in life? No Neither Yeah I've got a date today

Okay, we love that See what happens Would you look We're just being Open-minded It's not something I'm like Really focused on at the moment Like this dating thing

Don't get me wrong It's really weird Like how quickly time goes Like this time last year I was dating that guy Oh you mean you started now We started in the middle of May Fine

So you were still dating this Until the start Middle of August Yeah I was going to say So this period last year I was seeing someone, which ended really well.

But yeah, it's just really weird. Like, you know, and like your phone pops up memories. I was like, blah, yeah, was that a year ago? And then I don't know. Just like, I would really love to meet someone. But it's just, I'm in this place at the moment where I am very much at peace and enjoying life that it's really difficult.

And I guess upon reflection, like, I have noticed like a few things in myself that I think I maybe have become quite guarded and like quite hard to let I find it really hard to let people in now and that's something I'm definitely noticing but at the same time it's just really interesting to see like how far you've come like I feel like last year when I was dating someone I ignored a hell of a lot of red flags like quite early on I dismissed things that I knew in my heart of hearts weren't right because like there were lies about smoking and and things like that that now I'd be like, sorry, hon, like you're lying, like goodbye.

Whereas last year I wasn't quite there. So it's just really interesting because there's definitely been situations like over the last couple of months where I've seen red flags and I've not ignored them and I'm just very proud of myself that I'm able to articulate those things in like a very respectful and mature way, but be like, I don't put anyone on pedestals these days. Because they'll be along the floor. I'm joking. Do you know what though?

I think like talking about that and reflecting on like what you were like last year to this year, I think for me being back in a relationship with someone but a second time round I'm definitely learning a lot about me and obviously him

and it is really interesting to see like oh I think last time this would have happened and I can see that actually now this time this is happening and what I I feel like I'm noticing about myself is now that my boyfriend is showing up maybe in a slightly different way and communicating in a better way than he used to, I actually think if

anything, it's probably flagging up where I'm going wrong. Oh, shit. I'm like, oh shit. Why's he showing me up? I think that it's very clear for me now how quick I am. for my wall to go up when I feel like I need to almost like defend myself, but I actually don't need to defend myself with him. I could just talk.

Yeah. But I think it's such a mechanism that I've done for so long that until you are in a safer space, it's like you don't recognise certain flaws until actually someone gives you the platform for it to like shine a light or like, you've kind of done that wrong. And I think also now, and I'm not using my ADHD as an excuse in any way,

but I think a lot of adults who have been diagnosed at a later stage in their life will probably really resonate that once you have this sort of like confirmation and clarity of something that you thought for so long was just normal and that's how like everyone's brain works, I feel like I've definitely become a bit more aware of how hard I find it to regulate my emotions once I get myself into a situation.

Or when we're having a conversation that may be not necessarily conflict but disagreeing, I have so many things going on in my head that I find it really hard to process it to then articulate myself. So I just go silent instead. Yeah.

And actually it's, you know, me being able just to at least communicate and saying, I'm not being silent because I'm punishing you or being a dick. I actually don't currently know how to articulate what I'm thinking. And I've never really had that time to even think that because arguments used to be so much more heightened and shouty. But now that he's changed the way that he's showing up, it's really reflecting on where I've maybe gone wrong but never been able to see it. So even like with your, yeah, I feel like with every situation, like, I think we forget that we are all doing life at the first time. Yeah.

Like no situation is the same. Like, and I think that as long as we try and take on board whatever we can and make the changes that need to be made rather than repeating old patterns or bad behavior, ignoring the red flags, not taking accountability for the things. that we need to work on. As long as we are making those changes, then... I also think it's... Sometimes we put pressure on ourselves to get things right all the time

and not ignore this and not ignore that. Sometimes it's just doing a little bit better than you did the day before. Like even last night I was having a conversation with someone and this is the fucking thing. I hate about text. It always gets me...

I don't come across great on text, okay? This is what I'm realising. And I don't read text well. You don't. No. I feel like when you read my text it's like... Whereas it's like...

Yeah, and you just don't know. No. So I've realised that when I text, I text very like, I just don't come across my best self and the text, right? I should stick to voice notes. And I sent to text to someone yesterday, and he's taken it really, I don't want to say badly, but he's read it a certain way.

It didn't land the way I thought it would have landed. And he got up, he was like, I didn't like this. And then I feel like I've then shot my walls up, pulled back, and been like, okay, well, maybe. leave it there rather than taking any kind of accountability. He sent me a message afterwards and it's actually really interesting to be pulled up on things by someone. But I don't know anything.

But you don't know. But like I really like, I think that's what's made me feel like, oh shit, because I want to be with someone who does challenge me. Yeah. Who does like call me out on shit. Yeah. But that needs to be done in like a respectful way. Yeah.

And for me, that's just made me think this morning and I sat in it. I didn't want to reply last night because I was in a pissed off. mood and I was very emotional yesterday and I thought, do you know what? I'm asleep and then I go to reply with a voice note tomorrow. I clearly don't come across the right way on text. So I'm avoiding that where I can. And I basically said everything I wanted to say in a voice note. And he's, his response to it was some, he was like, maybe from now on with voice note. I completely see where you're like. And it was just really refreshing to know, he was like, I really like that you've like gone away you thought about and you're almost like taking the

accountability and that's thing I would never have done like I would have been like fuck you like you like you want to pull me up on that you know like I and I really like that and whether or not I end up being in a relationship or not or whatever it is I really am proud of myself that even though it's someone I'm not with or anything like that the ability to like hold my hands up and be like Joe what I actually didn't see it through that point of view I saw it quite different I I saw it through this view. He saw it through that view. And he was like, look, it's okay that we both see things differently.

But I think it's about hearing. And I was like, oh shit, this man is like fucking like a other person than that. But that's what I mean. I feel like it's allowed me to. Yeah, I think it's fantastic. For someone to pull you up and be like, it's great. Actually, yeah. But I think it's really interesting because I think for the wrong people,

having those conversations where they get defensive and they don't want to communicate for you that says, cool, like doesn't have the emotional capacity. that I need and that's okay. Do you know what I don't think we talk about enough is dealing with conflict in a healthy way is so fucking hard. 100%. No one gets taught how to do it. Your two people are coming together from completely different upbringing, different backgrounds,

different trauma, different previous relationships. And I honestly think that anyone that says that their relationship is easy. You know, some people are like, relationships shouldn't be that hard. Fucking bullshit. They're bullshit. Like, relationships are hard. Like, it's more about, I'm not saying that they should be, you know, so difficult and you're constantly battling against each other. But learning how to communicate and how someone receives the communication that you're giving and how someone hears what you were saying is always different to how you think you're coming across.

It's having that patience to take a step back and be like, hold on, hold on. What are we actually arguing about? because sometimes you get so carried away that you end up arguing about something else that wasn't even the argument in the first place and it carries on and on and on.

Show it's really hard though I think like when you spend a lot of time working yourself and you're like, right, I really like who I am now. I find it very hard now to, I'm so confident in myself, my beliefs, this, that sometimes I'm like,

can be talking about something and be like, well this is what I think, this is what I believe. And actually sometimes I can be closed off. Do you think you're not one, like, then receiving some sort of constructive criticism? You're a bit like, who are you to tell me? I've done work for myself.

But actually, I think that's why I needed last night to be like, no, no, no, no. Like, I really like, I thrive off shit like that. For me, that's like an aphrodisiac. Someone who can challenge me and make me want to grow and make me step back and think about things, that's like one of the sexiest things in the world, personally, to me. That's what I am absolutely massively looking for. someone who doesn't shy away from difficult conversations and I think that's saying I have really lacked in the dating

environment I've been in is being able to, I feel like a lot of the conversations are very fucking surface level and when I try and get deep are there they don't have the capacity to and so for me if someone can challenge me on something I like that I think a bit of healthy debate trying to understand where someone else's perspective and see why that might be so, I think that's really interesting in someone. No, I agree.

I think I do really struggle for someone to almost tell me that what I've done maybe isn't the right way. Well, you know what, perfect. Yeah, and that is, I absolutely understand that that is a me problem. And sometimes I think like you, you're almost so set in your ways. You're a bit like, but this wasn't even about that.

So why, like, why are you making out that I've done? I didn't do wrong. I haven't done that. I know. I'm not perfect and I have never once said I am. And like one thing I used to be shit at, I used to be the most stubborn person known to man. Like if I'd said something,

I would go to my grave with saying that even if deep down I knew I was wrong, right? And one thing I have really learned over the last few years is I've actually got fucking good at reflecting and understanding, Joe, I actually did get that wrong, didn't handle that the best. What do you need for me next time? How could I have done that differently? And that's what I, but I feel like, me accepting that now means I can articulate that too.

And I'm not scared to say, hey, I didn't like the way you said that. What I feel like would have landed better for me is this. And it's, I think it's a profound skill to be able to articulate what you need. I'm good at articulating what I need. I'm not always great at listening to someone else articulating that what I did wasn't great. And that's what I'm trying to do better is not getting, defensive just because I'm so sure that what I did was right and not invalidating. I just know it.

It's interesting. I think it's really interesting. It's a skill, isn't it? It's absolutely a skill. And I think one, another thing I'm learning, I say I'm searching for emotional intelligence. And like, I think sometimes I'm like, oh, God, they didn't show good community. They didn't do this. They didn't do this.

But actually, it's none of those things. It's someone who has that willingness to grow from it. Someone willing to have those conversations. They don't have to get it right. They just have to be able to listen, they have to be able to hear, they have to be able to communicate. And I think that's the real difference and that's what I'm noticing. Yeah. No, I get that. God, that was pretty deep for a Thursday morning.

I'll be okay. It's finding light-hearted email, shall we? I exposed my best friend's affair. Please keep anonymous. Hi, girlies. I've been watching you both for well 18 months now and every week. Love you more and more. Why not every, twice every week, by the way, just saying.

Patreon. If you're liking this episode every week, guys, you may not even know we've got a bonus episode. These holes ain't loyal. Go and join Patreon because there's an extra episode and a monthly Zoom which is coming up in a few days. And group chats amongst other benefits. So, you know, if you're really a loyal fan, show us. Get to know. Get to know. Right. I guess it's my turn to email in and it's probably not a story you would have covered yet. Going back to being in high school, age 13, I became best friends with a lovely girl. And when I say best friends, it was to the point we would speak all day, every day, spent every bit of time together and well might as well have been sisters. We went through everything together. I loved her so much. And this was up until it all exploded.

I thought I knew my best friend inside and out. But fast forward, 17 years, one night after having drinks at her house, she was very drunk and being sick over her newly fitted onsuit that her lovely husband put in. Anyway, down fell her phone, Sunny side up, and I saw a message from a man saying he missed her. At this point, my best friend was married with two children, a toddler and a newborn baby. I had no idea what I was seeing. I didn't say anything at the time and just left it until I couldn't shake the questions I had. A few days later, I asked her who this guy was and she went quiet. What? And then blurted out that she had been seeing him.

for nine years. Oh my God. How devastated would you be? Interestingly, I've had this conversation this morning about, I think, it's really difficult. I've not been in this situation where I've had a friend who's cheated, but I believe that the friends you keep are a big representation of you. Like, for example, I know a group of guys and every single one of them has cheated. and there was this one guy who didn't cheat, he did cheat, but we just thought he didn't cheat.

And I think when something's normalised in a group, 100%. And this is what I saw in Ibiza as well. It was groups of friends all do the same things. And I just think there's something to be said about the friends you keep. And I feel like finding something out like this must be absolutely devastating on a friendship. Like if I found out you cheated. But for nine years.

No, that's fucking wild. Oh my God, what would we do about the podcast? What would you do if after all this... I'd start a new podcast called she's a fucking slut. What would you do after all this? We found out that like everything that I've said about my ex-husband was actually me. I mean, it would be a great episode. I'd change the name to she's full of shit.

And then we'd carry on and I'd just grill you until you were this big. And then I'd have to leave. And then I'd have to leave. And then I'd tell you to leave with your hang. And throw tomatoes at you. I hate tomorrow times. Shame. Shame.

You won't get like she definitely didn't watch Game of Thrones. No. You're not a Gayle of Thrones girl, are you? No, sorry. Brazen asthma. Nine years. Yeah. She told me she had met him before.

She married her husband and had kids and that she was waiting for him to leave his wife whilst planning a future with her husband and leading him up the garden path. She told me they would meet and have sex in his camper van, how he would sneak around to her house and how she would sneak over to his. This spiraled. I couldn't believe my ears. I really didn't think my best friend was capable of this.

And I was surprised to hear out of all of her friends, I was the last to know. Wow. And it was all kept hush, hush. Maybe because she knew exactly how I felt about homewreckers. That will be it. People don't share their affair with the people closest to them. They share it with the people that have no morals putting it out there.

I have experience. Is that why you're not telling me? I have experienced that before with a friend who, I guess in theory, I just ended up catching lies because she knew how strongly I felt about... I know who is. Do I? Yeah, about her wrongdoings. And yeah, it did pretty much end a friendship.

We're very amicable. I feel like if she still ever called me and needed me, I would be there. But there is something very difficult standing by. someone that keeps doing things that you are so against. It's hard. Four. Nine years. Nine years of not knowing who she really was.

I felt hurt that she kept it from me and hurt. She could be so cruel to another woman, everyone else involved, of course. Our friendship became strained. Every time I saw her, all she spoke about was him and how he kept promising to leave his wife. And every time he spoke, all she would do is brag about where they're going for dirty weekends or her showing me what underwear she was going to buy for it. My patients was wearing thin. She told me she had started seeing another man married and that she contracted pelvis inflammatory

disease from having unprotected sex and that she had passed it onto the nine-year married man. KID is an infection of the upper female reproductive organs including the womb. Philippine-tuce and ovarian is most commonly caused by untreated sexually transmitted infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea. When diagnosed early, it is easily cured with the course of antibiotics. Sounds sexy. She'd pass it on to the nine-year married man

who then passed it on to his pregnant wife. Oh my God. She told me his wife was submitted into hospital showing signs of early labour, and the doctors and nurses were asking if there was any way her husband could have been sleeping with anyone else. He denied it. What makes this worse was my friend laughed at this to me

and said, I know it's bad, isn't it? I mean, even that would make me not want to be friends with someone. Yeah, I'm all right. With a massive grin on her face. At that point, my feelings towards this girl changed. I didn't like her anymore. I didn't like the lack of morals and how she was quite happily prepared to ruin other people's lives.

Fast forward a few weeks and she upped and left her husband with her two young children. He was absolutely devastated, crippled. Everything he did was for the three of them and she didn't appreciate it or know how lucky she was. My best friend started telling me how the married man was going to write his wife out of cars he had and of his business. I felt sick. I disliked her more and more and it turned into hate. His wife came into my work a week later. She was lovely, beautiful, model-like,

and more importantly, seemed to be such a loving and doting mother to their two little girls. I saw her soothe her tiny baby's head whilst feeding her and something in me flipped. She had to know. Oh my God. She deserved more. Of course he's false. They'd plan to go away for a dirty weekend for my best friend's birthday. He had paid for the very expensive hotel.

He had told his wife he was going to collect their brand new family car. An eye put a stop to it. Two nights before they were due to go, I messaged his wife on Facebook. Apologise I was about to tell her information that was going to change everything. I told her he had been sleeping with my best friend for nine years and that I need to. to meet her. We met. She was incomplete and utter shock, but she said all of her friends saw the red flags in him. I showed her all the messages I had been sent between the pair of them scheming, etc. I showed her dirty picks my best friend showed me. I told her everything. There was no way

he was going to get out of it. She was financially reliant on him and she was scared and didn't want to be a single mom, but I told her to take him for everything he had. And she did. She left him. And what makes this even more wild is ever since she left him, he's been begging for her back. Whilst in a relationship with my best friend. She said to me she even found, in his work van by accident, a list of things of pros and cons about them both.

My best friend scored the highest for sex, but lowest for how much money her family had. Fuck. Of course the aftermath was messy. All my friends cut me off, but I'm glad as the trash took itself out. I cannot be friends of people who think ruining another person's life is acceptable.

I was treated like a villain, but that I'm not. They said I didn't owe anything to his wife, but it couldn't carry on, right? Not with children involved. It was like I was condoning it by seeing it going on. I've had his ex-wife's family personally thank me as he had been verbally abusive and controlling to her. She's now living mortgage-free

and a lovely house with her two beautiful girls. Her friends and family have told me I saved her, but I can't help but think I'm a terrible person for dropping my best friend in it the way I did. I just saw red and I cannot bear treatment like that. I guess morals came before my friendship with her. He wasn't the first married man she went for either. Please tell me your thoughts.

I know it sounds crazy, but I felt so much guilt watching what they were doing. Do you know what? It's really difficult. I feel like there's almost no point to me giving an opinion of how it was done because it's done. Could you have done it in a way of telling your best friend she needs to come clean or giving her the option first,

potentially? But I can also really appreciate I've never been in that position before to a point where you've got someone almost bragging about things and going about it in such a distasteful, horrible way. I guess at the end of the day, like, they got what they deserved. Like, I wouldn't, I maybe wouldn't deeper. put it that much. Like you have helped someone come out of a situation that they should never have been in.

I think as well, you need to cut yourself some slack at the end of day. If it's impacting your mental health, I think you absolutely did the right thing. I think when someone else's problems start to burden our own lives and take over our headspace, absolutely, be selfish. There's consequences, aren't that? I'm sorry if it's impacting you that much and you're struggling and seeing it. I probably would have done the same if I'm being completely honest. I just think we get one life, mental health is so important and to protect your headspace and where you're at.

And if someone else's behaviour is impacting that and taking and consuming so much that, you have every right to do what you need to do to relieve yourself of that guilt, the worry. Like that's not a way that we should be living. It's not all life and someone else's behaviour has done that. I maybe would have just said, look, if you don't tell her, I will. But it's done. And I think you just need to free yourself of that guilt. You did the right thing. It sounds like she's very happy.

It sounds like they're maybe getting what they deserve. And it is what it is. So like someone lied to you that was close to you for nine years. Like I'm not being funny, but what loyalty do you have to that person? What a lie of a friendship. I agree. Yeah.

Don't hold on to it anymore. It's done now. Set yourself free, honey. You do you. Okay, right, guys. We've got another hinge profile here. Let's see what we're working with. Love a hinge profile.

Okay. Right. Let me set the scene for you. Beautiful girl. First picture. You've got her in. A gorgeous dress. I really like your first picture. I think it stands out. You look really pretty. I like your dress. Okay. Prompt. Worst idea I've ever had. Deciding to get on a ski lift after a 10 minute ski lesson and thinking I could ski, I had to be rescued by a mountain patroller. I like that. I like that. I think it's funny. It just gets a bit of context. Yeah. Love. Okay. Then we've got her age woman straight. What her do? Job is, cool, monogamy, we're here for that. Okay, then your next picture, and it just says, guess how many takes it took? Now, what I will say, it is definitely obvious which one you are. However, you have brown hair in this photo and blonde in the first photo.

So the question is, which one is now? That would be my first question. Next photo, you're blonde again. Photo with a friend. It's a nice photo. one word review for this. Oh, I leave one... Oh, that's the prompt.

Yeah, leave a one word review for this. So that's the photo. Got great. Cracket set of tears. Yeah, you do have good boobies. Sorry, why do I sound like a man? Cracking set of teeth is that one? Okay, prompt, my most irrational fear, people that don't put chocolate in the fridge.

Again, I like that prompt. Also agree. Great conversation, like, good. Yeah, really like that. Next photo. brown hair again. So you've gone blonde, brown, blonde brown. Yeah, I'd like to know what you are now.

I would try and do them all as you are now. And then prompt, I go crazy for time and effort. Again, I actually think that's fine. I think your other two prompts add enough personality. And then you've got two more photos, caught in the act, you're blonde. And then the next one, you're out skiing and you're brown. So my only thing, constructive criticism, that I will give you is whatever color your hair is right now is what it should be shown on this. I'm guessing

to be honest, I can't even guess. I have a feeling you're blonde. I don't know. What are you now? I have a feeling. No one knows. Yeah. So that is just giving off. Don't know which it is. Are these really old photos? Are they new? I think you need to have the same color hair in all the photos. Obviously if someone was doing a profile where, you know, one, they've got a bit of highlights, that's fine. But you are literally bright blonde. Yeah, it's a mean. And then dark brown. I mean, do you know what? Kudos to you, you suit by. Yeah, you do suit both. But I really like the picture of you in the ski stuff as well. Yeah. The photos are great, but you need to have the same kind of hair in them. We want consistency and knowing. I do feel like you could think it's two

different people because it's not that it's two different people. It's just that it's, that you cannot be both right now. And I'm not for a second saying that there are some men that only go for blonde or some men that only go for brunettes. But you're not. Well, yeah, there are. People have different tastes. And you look beautiful as both. But I think it's just, that is just proof that, like, some of these photos are old.

Which one are you? Stick with the colour hair that you are now and change the other photos. I don't disagree. Guys, what? We got an email from my man. Oh, really? Yeah. What's a subject?

Marriage problems. I actually think I saw that come through. And I'm really proud of you for writing in. Let me just say. Hi ladies. I'm new to this and honestly don't really know how to write a message like this, but I feel like I need some advice. I'll call myself Dave.

I've been married for 17 years and we've been together for 20. We have two children aged 18 and 16 who I love more than anything in the world. The problem is with my marriage. I work very hard to provide for my family. We struggle at times financially, so whenever overtime is available, I take it. I do it so my children don't go without, and so we have a bit of money put aside for emergencies. I work a four-on, four-off shift pattern, and in some ways it suits me and my wife because we seem to get along better when we're not together every hour of the day.

However, when we are together, it feels like she constantly finds fault with me or complains about something I've done or haven't done. On my days off, I do my share of the housework and keep the house clean and tidy. But maybe once a week I'll take a day to myself to relax and not do much. And in her eyes, that seems to be wrong. Our sex life is also not great. I still find my wife incredibly attractive and I love her very much. But whenever I try to initiate intimacy, I'm usually rejected.

It's always I'm tired or not tonight. After hearing that so many times I feel unwanted and rejected. and even when we do have sex, it often feels like she's just lying there waiting for it to be over. Over the last few weeks, I've stopped trying and have become much quieter. I've spoken to her about how I feel

and I've asked if she's okay or if something is wrong and she always says everything is fine but then tells me I don't pull my weight. I've explained that I do my best and that sometimes I'm simply exhausted and need a bit of downtime. Hugs and kisses I have become rare and it feels like we're more friends or housemates

than husband and wife. Recently we spoke to our daughter about contributing a small amount of rent now that she's working, just £80 a month. In the grand scheme of things, it isn't much. And at the same time, I feel like I'm constantly being asked for money by my children and my wife. More and more, I feel like a bank account rather than a husband. I've tried to reconnect with my wife. I even worked extra overtime and took her to Malta for her birthday in January,

hoping some time away together would help. We had a lovely time, but as soon as we came home, everything went straight back to how it was before. I love my wife deeply, but I'm struggling. Part of me wonders whether I should move out because I don't know what else to do. I've tried talking, I've tried making more effort, I've tried being patient,

and I've tried creating opportunities for us to reconnect. Whenever I ask if we're okay, she says yes. But if we are okay, why do I feel so unloved? Why does it feel like our marriage is broken? When I look at her, I can see unhappiness in her face too. I don't think either of us can keep living like this. I love her to bits, but I don't know where to go from here. What would you do?

Well, that's really emotional. I mean, I think the sad reality is, is I reckon a lot of people listening will really resonate with that email and be like, oh my God, same. And I think it's something to point out that it's not always the women that I feel that way. It can be the men as well. We just don't get enough male listeners that email in because... Or speak about it.

Yeah. Or speak openly about their struggles. It's really difficult because I feel like relationships are hard. Mundane life gets in the way. The struggles of kids work, money, wanting your own time, wanting to be independent, needing to pull your weight in the house. Like the clashes, the, do you know what I think, unfortunately it is with a situation like this? I think what happens is to keep.

the peace, people don't communicate the little things and the little things build up to become bigger things, which builds up resentment and then you're short with each other and then things that maybe would be a really simple, oh, babe, would you do this? Oh yeah, sure. It's a, oh, for God's sake, I can never, you know, you start biting each other and it all ends up being like you feel suffocated or it's too much or one feels unloved and there's nothing specific so maybe when you are saying to her like is everything okay she's like yeah because she can't even put her finger in it anymore because it's just a constant buildup of just not feeling like you did at the beginning you've been together for 20 years and relationships that

when you've been together that long you do need to find that spark again sometimes and you lose it and you get lost in the everyday life. But I don't really have much advice to give you because I feel like what I would advise, it sounds like you are doing, but maybe what I would do, which it doesn't sound like you have done yet, is sitting her down and saying, I feel like we aren't connecting like we used to. We don't really have sex anymore. I do feel like we're almost like roommates. I still love you. But I don't. I don't really have sex anymore. I do feel like we're almost like roommates. I still love you but I feel like we need to be having

an honest chat with each other to figure out if we are both on the same page and want to work this out maybe we can go to couples therapy maybe we can do this or do that but I need something from you to understand where your heads are I know it can be scary or easy

to brush it under the carpet like really allow her to understand where you're at like I have been considering moving out because I don't know if you want me here anymore. I don't feel like I'm making you happy or I don't feel loved. Just asking her if she's okay isn't actually good communication.

Because unless she's really feeling like there is a safe space to open up, most people will just be like, yeah, I'm fine. I don't know if you've ever seen where people joke. If a woman says she's fine, it means she's actually not. Like, yeah, okay, it's fine. It's fine. You go and watch the football. It's fine. You go and do this. There's so much more to it. So yes, on the surface, it looks like you're trying and you're doing everything you can. But have you really sat down and opened up and expressed exactly how you feel? You may even, if you struggle to find the word, turn around and say to her, I have found this podcast. I have emailed in. Do you want to read my email? This is where I'm at. That may be a good open. to figuring out, you know, you're so complimentary about her. You clearly love her.

Something like this is definitely salvageable if she's also on the same page. I agree. I was going to say I would have that very difficult conversation of saying, like, if things don't change, I don't think this works anymore. I would lay everything on the table, everything you have written down. like I felt enormous sadness for you and actually related to quite a few things you said. And I think it's also really important to recognise that

there's only so many times we can express when our needs aren't being met and making excuses for people or hoping things will change. But I know you said you've had those conversations. I 100% would have, I hate to call it, like the crisis talk, but the talk where it's serious, the talk where it's, this, this doesn't work anymore. I am considering leaving. We need to sit down and we need to lay everything on the table if we want to save this marriage.

Because at the moment, it sounds like you're voicing different things, but I wonder if she thinks he'll, you'll ever leave. Like, I know a lot of people who, yeah, he says that, he'll never leave. Like, you know, and it sounds like they're very reliant on you financial. So I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth or insinuate anything, but I think it's very easy when someone relies on another person financially to feel like, I don't know,

like, I think anyone in the situation who's been somewhere where their marriage has ended, I think sometimes you don't think that's ever going to happen, regardless of anything. You don't see... I don't think there's many situations where, like, they'll actually, because that's all you know, it's comfort, it's routine, it's habit.

And she's probably thinking, you know, says all that, he'll never leave. I think you need to sit down and have a really serious, so it does sound like you're doing the right things, like trying to, you know, go away, trying to make time for each other. And do you know what? Like, you are entitled as a person to say,

today I just need some space on my own. Today I just need to pour into myself. I think we often overlook things. And I look back at my marriage and realize, like, We probably both needed that at some point, but no one knows how to articulate it in a way that's not offensive. Like, don't want to spend time with you. I want to be on my own. I think there's a way of saying it.

But I think when we try and prioritise our mental health and knowing that if we're looking after our mental health, we're actually able to pour better into our relationships and not have that resentment and still being able to. And don't get me wrong, like having a family is really difficult to find that balance. And I don't think we ever do necessarily find the balance, but we try and experiment with doing so. I think it takes a really honest conversation, but I also want to urge you that if things don't change after this conversation, then as much as you do love her, it's also not okay to just exist in a relationship where you're unhappy,

your needs aren't being met, and to just feel like you're there just as a bank, it's not a nice feeling, and you deserve more from your life. I would be very interested to hear her side because, you know, If I were you, honestly, I want to email him back. I want to tell him this is out in two weeks. And here at first, I would be almost, I think you should tell her to listen. Because sometimes things are really hard to articulate.

And sometimes if you go into a conversation where she's already at her limit, we don't know at the moment how she's feeling. And if you go and sit her down, you're like, if things don't change, She's like, I'm at a point now where I'm done and I want to leave. You don't know whether she's going to be like, okay, yes, aim. I wonder how different it would go is she listened to that vulnerable email, because that won't feel like an attack or a, or defend. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I think it's a very beautifully written email. So that would actually be my advice. And please keep us updated. And spread the word to your male friends. Product of the week, okay? So I have got here an eight-piece brush set from, Danny Levi. I did a reel the other week with my makeup artist Danny and she absolutely annihilated me for my makeup brushes because they were gross and dirty. These makeup brushes

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So check it out. Her website is dannylevi.com. Okay. Really recommend it. And it's really reasonable for an eight piece brush set, gals. Confession of the week. I want a healthy relationship. I really, really do.

But every now and then a tiny bit of me still. mistakes, probably intentionally emotional unavailability for chemistry. Oh, we're all a little bit toxic, aren't we? Yeah. The thing is, it's like your nervous system, like... The excitement, the adrenaline. I get it. A little bit of dopamine.

I do get it. Yeah, it's like, challenge me. Like, I'll change you. I don't know what it is, but there's just something about knowing some of the stuff's not right. Oh, God. You know who I'm talking about. Yeah.

Okay, affirmation of the week. The girls in the group chat know everything about me. They've watched me spiral and never made me feel dramatic for it. We send screenshots of our lives and pieces, matcher orders, books we are reading, and outfits that we are unsure we like. The group chat is where good news gets cap lock and bad days get met with long paragraphs back. We are growing up in different directions, but always circling back to each other. And I think that's love. there's a place where your name popping up on a screen

means you don't have to explain yourself. I love that. How nice is that? And it is so all about, like, your girls being your soulmates too. I think we said it at the beginning of this episode. Like, it's not always, you know, about men. Men. So keep those girls close to you guys.

Don't forget to get to your tickets, girls. We want to see you there. Stop tending your, like, loyal and love us. If you haven't got your ticket, start, like, questioning your life choices. Yep, love that. Anyway, we will see you soon. Keep writing in, guys. We want to hear from you.

I want some more funny dating. Confessions. Dating. Confessions of the week. Nothing for me will be the story of the shit. So if you can beat that, come write in. Yeah. And go and join Patreon.

Love you. Bye.