Not As We Planned - My Boyfriend Faked Cancer While My Mum Was Dying

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Imagine watching your mum die from cancer while the man you trust tells you his cancer has come back too… only to discover he made the whole thing up.This week we hear from a listener whose boyfriend lied about having cancer while her mum was terminally ill, before she discovered he had been cheating all along. We also hear from a woman who spent years trying to save her marriage through debt, lies and affairs, only to uncover another year-long relationship and experience the reality of post-separation abuse after finally leaving.Plus, we chat manifestation, dating red flags, what really gives us the ick, review another dating profile and share some very honest opinions along the way.Watch the podcast on YouTubeGet a weekly BONUS episode on Patreon:Join Our CommunityInstagramTikTok Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi, you're listening to Not As We Plan. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys and welcome to another episode of Not As We Planned. We hope you're good. We hope the sun is shining wherever you are. And we hope you're having a good day. And if you're not, we're here to. Brighton. Guys, we want to hear your email. So if you've got something to write in, whether it's a dating disaster, a happy story, or you want to share your shit show of your life,

please email us and not as we plan podcast at gmail.com. We want to hear from all of you. And updates. Updates. Anyone who's email, we have read out. And at the end, we're like, please let us know what you do. Even if you didn't take our advice,

even if you literally went so unbelievably against our advice, we're not here to say, I told you so. Well, maybe. But still, email us in. We want to know we're invested. I do agree. Yeah.

So, how are you? How's your week? What's your name? Where'd you come from? Yeah, I've had an alright week. Do you know what? I'm lying. I've had a fucking great week.

Oh. I think I briefly mentioned that I felt like in my head I've been waiting for like Father's Day and like this thing. And I've had this massive energy shift. And I can tell I have because my algorithm's so different. and I'm reading a really amazing book by a guy called Joe Dispenza. And for anyone who's not read it, it's like absolutely amazing. It's a bit of a mindset book.

And I guess to an extent it's like almost like a foreword into manifestation about just how powerful it is. Like with our mindset, when we focus our energy on like positive stuff, we start believing in things. Like I've been doing meditation every morning. I've been doing my gratitude again. I feel like I'm on a really high vibration and I'm feeling really good. I've been like making my morning routines, my exercise like non-negotiables,

been eating really well and I'm feeling fucking good. And it's just so nice because I feel like for so long, like after my dad passed away, I just felt like a bit stuck and a bit lost and like, I don't know, I just feel like my dad would want me to be living and be happy and I feel like I'm very much in like the creation of, like I've got all these big ideas again,

this manifestation mode and like, just been speaking really greatly and like saying like affirmations every morning, like, you know, whoever I desire desires me more and, you know, universe, show me how good things are about to get. And I'm just, it's just so interesting how when we speak like that to ourselves and we how much better it makes us feel and even things like I've been trying to catch myself so one of the things is like catching yourselves when you have thoughts that are like limiting you like

limiting beliefs so like I don't know it could be anything but if you start even like doubting that could be blocking you from accessing it so for example you could be trying to manifest I don't know 10 grand right and in your head you're like I believe like I'm going to receive 10 grand but there's a blocking your head saying I actually don't know how I'm going to do this like I'm worried about money this month like how am I going to pay this those things aren't aligning so your frequencies are all like inconsistent because they're not matching

whereas if you're genuinely like I trust I believe it like the frequencies marry up and it's more likely to happen and I'm just feeling like a different person and it's just really nice. Love that what are you manifesting for the podcast babe oh babe, well why domination? That I've got us.

Oh, my domination. Yeah, I'm just like in the zone, being going, like, getting into bed early, like, doing my reading. It's just, it's just really nice. Like, for anyone, like, listening, like, when they're like, oh, I don't know what's doing my evenings when I'm lonely that, I promise you, pouring into yourself it's just the best feeling in the world, like, just living your life, how you want to live it for yourself, like, becoming this person.

Because I just think, like, I really like who I'm becoming and I feel like I'm in this mindset and this journey. and like I genuinely feel like I'm going to attract someone into my life who marries up with that because I believe I will now. So, yeah. Love that. I had a little sad child this week. Oh no.

Because he got broken up with. Oh, shit. Who is that? I know. Blake's girlfriend broke up with him. Should I get him to listen to the pod? Oh, baby. I know.

Do you know what? Like, look, he's eight years old. He is the most sensitive, like, Like, he really wears his heart on his sleeve. And with obviously his ADHD and his autism, he's got quite bad, like, rejection sensitivity as well. And I know that we've probably got a very long road with like his emotions.

And it just killed me. He got in the car on Monday and he was like, said her name, broke up with me. I was like, oh, why? He was like, she told me that her mum's, said she's not allowed to have a boyfriend at eight years old. Now, I think that maybe that was her mum's excuse for her to give, which is nice. I guess it's better than her being like, I don't like you.

But bless him, he's now been told by her that once she's in year seven, she's allowed. And he's like, Mommy, how many days until year seven? I'll stop it. And I was like, right, listen to me, Blake. We don't beg, okay? We don't beg for people. We don't chase. We're trapped.

Yeah. We don't want people that don't want us. We know what we bring to the table. And I remember, I actually think I said that to him. He was like, what table? I was like, listen. I was trying to give him this pep talk and I was like, you only want to be with someone that also wants to be with you.

It's her loss. And then it was so cute, although I don't know where he got this from. Later on, he'd obviously been like digesting it and like we had dinner. He had a shower and asked a shower. He's like, do you know what, mummy? when I'm older and I'm really rich and successful, she's going to regret it because she'll want to come back. And I won't want her.

And I was like, I'm like, I like preach. I was like, however, it won't be because of your money. It's just going to be because you're a really good person. But then it was really sweet because yesterday he's been invited, bless him to a one of the girls in his class is having a just girls party, but at Rock Up. So it's quite that active. And she really wants to bait.

to come and Ivy's going because although they're not in the same class she's friendly with Ivy so the mum asked me if Blake could come with and he is buzzing that he's the only boy that's being invited and I was like it just shows how special you are like you're the only boy that's going and I was like are you sure you want to go

it's 20 girls and you he's like yeah my man I feel like he's already moved on it was quite funny because he was also like I do think Blah Blah's really pretty I was like yeah but that's her best friend and we don't do We don't do that. It's getting lucky.

Yeah, other than that, yeah, I can't really think what else I've done this week. Nothing to report. I'm still on my new medication. I don't know if I mentioned it last time. I've started Elvance, went from concerted to Elvance for my ADHD medication. And unfortunately, one of the side effects I am getting is insomnia. Oh, great. Yes.

So I've been wired until about 2 to 3 a.m. for I think like the first three nights, which is fine because I luckily don't require that much sleep. But then last night I did actually manage to get to sleep by like 11.30, which I know some people might seem really late, but I was so happy that. So what I'm doing is I'm leaving my tablets by my bed and the minute I open my eyes, I'm taking it. So it hopefully wears off a bit earlier because my other medication I was taking at like 9 o'clock. If I took this at 9, I actually don't think I'd sleep. But yeah, other than that, it's not helping me in any other way, other than keeping me up at night.

So, is that? Should we? We're going to play a little game today, guys. We're going to see how well Tash and I know each other. So I'm going to say something, and we've both got to write it down, and we're going to see if her answers matters. Yeah, this is like going to be like misses and misses. Mizz and Ms.

Miz. We're going to go straight in. I'm scared. We're going to start with you. We'll do it for you first then for me. I'm just if we started an argument. I'm ready. Okay.

What is Tash's biggest red flag? But like in, do you not think it's different? Like, in a relationship. In a relationship. Okay. Oh, dear Lord. Why are you literally writing an essay? Okay, so what is my most toxic trait in a relationship?

Carly, what have you put? Toxic slash loves an argument. You've got to turn it around and show that. Oh, toxic slash loves an argument. Oh, God, I put making my partner jealous. Oh, yeah. Toxic, though. I mean, I was going to write toxic, but I thought that was too generic.

Okay. Well, I think that's the same vibe. Same vibe. Okay. Are we doing points? Yeah, although if we've been really picky, like, I can't say that is the same. Okay. Yeah, sorry, you didn't get that.

Okay. Yeah, let's do dating. What is Carly's the biggest red flag when it comes to dating? It's different with what I think and what I think you're going to right. This is where it gets really messy because I'm going to say something like she's too much of a slut. Yeah, okay, right, ready? So Carly's biggest red flag when dating

I put gets the icks so easily. Sometimes don't give people a chance. I feel like, do you think that's the same thing? I don't get the ex-like. Oh, my God, I remember when she messaged me, I think she called me and she's like, I didn't like his t-shirt. I was, oh, fuck, so I like, here we go again. Although you also didn't like your ex-boyfriend.

Do you remember that top that you get wearing? Oh my god. That was bad. It was like Pac-Man. Did I get a point there? No, that wasn't the same. Okay. Okay.

What is Tash's most annoying habit? Oh my God. I don't know. Am I annoying? Okay, so my most annoying trait expects an instant response that every text or voice does. That's valid.

I always think I'm right, but I am 99.9.9. percent at the time. Okay. I begged to differ. But you didn't win that. Oh dear. Okay. What's Carly's most annoying trait?

I liked it. It's fine. For fuck. Okay. Right. Carly's most annoying trait. I put here too laid back. It's future Carly's problem in speech marks.

I've never read anything so accurate. What have you? I don't always message back quickly. Are we getting any of these right? No. I feel like I was more. I feel like you are more correct than me. Because I'm always right.

But it's still just fun. Because I'm always right. Right. What is Tash's biggest ick? Ooh. In a man? Yeah. Okay. What is my biggest ick? Skinny jeans.

Oh, if he says mate. Oh yeah. I was going to say skinny jeans as well. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, you hate skinny jeans. Yeah, and if a man says mate to a girl. Good luck with this one. What is my biggest hic?

Oh, for fuck. Should we just say what's not in it? But I feel like it's probably skinny jeans. as well. Yes. What is Tash's biggest insecurity about her body? God, about my body.

Yeah. Okay, my biggest insecurity of my body. I've put my tummy or my arms or my hair. I wrote lower tummy. Yeah. That's right.

Okay, you know this one for you. Yeah. Okay, what is my biggest insecurity about my body? Can you imagine if I wrote something and it wasn't? Ready? Carly's biggest insecurity.

Nose. Noes. But let you into a little secret. It's going in August. Not her whole nose, though. Can you imagine? My mum thinks it is. She's just going to come back looking like Voldemort.

She'll have no nose. That's what my mum genuinely thinks is going to happen. There's a little insight, guys. Okay. What is Tashy's best personality trait? Wow. My best personality trait is I put loyal slash caring. That's embarrassing.

You put hilarious, haven't you? Very caring. Oh. Yay! Okay, now Carlis. I put the same as what you just. That's why I was so cute? Why would I be just the same? We actually could write that?

Yeah. Okay, so if we can't put caring, your best personality trait is... Okay, so what have you put for your best person? Positive. Super positive. Okay, yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Okay, what's your worst personality trait? See, what I feel like used to be my worst. What I always used to say was my worst personality trait, I don't. actually believe is anymore. I don't think I've got one. Too up herself. Not humble at all.

My worst personality trait. Okay, this is my, I know, I've put what? Okay, Tash's worst personality trait. Go on. Sometimes thrives off a bit of drama. I really do. I just put, I don't speak very nicely to myself. Yeah, that's also true.

Yeah. Okay. Yours was more fun. Okay, Carly's worst personality trait. Go on. I'm scared. Go on. Carly's worst personality trait. Go on.

But I feel like I am clutching a bit because nothing stood out. Right, come on. Okay. Carly's worst personality trait, I put, finds criticism hard to hear. Oh, ow. I feel like you've got much better. Can be overly sensitive. But I do actually feel like these in toine.

You didn't win. No, but I don't mean winning. I mean, in regards to this, I think it's because you're overly sensitive. Like, what? Maybe more so in relationships. But you know how you said the other week? I'm good at that now.

No, you know how you said the other week? Like, you've realised at times you don't like being told something because you feel like you've done so much work. And now you're starting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it sort of like flagged. Interesting. Okay, this easy one.

What's Tash's love language? Okay, my love language is words of affirmation and physical touch. Touch and words of affirmation. Yeah, yeah. Okay, Carly's love language, I've put the same. Same. Okay, good. Because I, I was getting a bit, you were, you were, yeah, yeah.

Got in your head, yeah. You did get in my head. What is the weirdest thing Tash does that I have just accepted? What the fuck are you writing? She writing a fucking essay. What's the weirdest thing that I do? Okay, I mean, this isn't going to be the same. What's the weirdest thing that I do that you just had to accept?

eats mad amounts of eminous biscuits. I was going to put that I always eat chocolate. Now I'm showing myself up. I FaceTime you while I'm on the toilet. Doing a shit. You know, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do. What's a weird thing that you... Girls got to poo when a girl's got to poo.

Yeah, what's a weird thing? I know. Go on. Okay, what's the weirdest thing that Carly does? I've put... She doesn't poo when we're away, so she gives herself a really bad tummy. Ouch, so fucking valid. What have you?

Why things like hard boiled eggs and carrot sticks? I mean, yeah, it's fucking weird. Out of me like that. If we were dating each other, what would give you the ick about me? Oh my God, hold on. Okay. God, right. Writing some memoirs.

Okay, right. What would give me the eck? I'd like if Carly and I were to date, I've put, trying to buy all organic food and then going out and drinking like a fish went out out. I do not drink like a fish. But yeah, I get that. Oh no. What have you put about yourself? I thought it was like where my big toe points up. Damn. Okay, Carly, what would give you the ick if we dated? It feels so mean. Go on. Sweaty pits.

I put when I fart. It's like a man. Oh no, my boyfriend's going to see this. He knows these things, surely. No, I've never voted in one of them. Oh, you're doing in front of me? He thinks, I'm such amazing. But my pit...

I've never farted. My pit's are currently soaking. It's my medication. Can I just point out, by the way, and you need to vouch for me, I don't ever smell. They're just wet. Okay. What is Tashy's? worst habit. All right. My worst habit is shopping. Oh, I just put a terrible diet.

Oh, that's very bad too. I don't know how you're actually alive of what you eat. I mean, God help my inside. The cholesterol must be very hard. I reckon you've maybe got five years left. Diabetes type two. Yeah. Let's not manifest that though otherwise. What would you do for the podcast? I just talk about all my memories. Carly's worst habit. Oh, I'm not sure. Okay, Carly's worst habit is procrastinating. Oh my god that is like same though like why did we not start new routines and like never continue that I mean yeah fair procrastination is yeah okay our middle name let's be honest let's be honest if Tash was to be arrested

what would it be for? I actually think you were going to put something else I've just thought of anyway right if I was to be arrested what would it be for grievous bodily harm what's that mean like attacking someone oh yeah having a fight Yeah, yeah. I mean, what's with the large words? So, no, it just sounded good in my head. And then, and then I actually was about to put stalking. Not that I've ever done.

If I was to be arrested, what would it be for? The carlid was to be arrested, what would it be for? I put, she's just going down because she's associated for me. I wrote, got the wrong girl. I think that's the same. That is hilarious. So who won? I don't think anything.

I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I, to be, yeah, to be one. Do we even know. each other. Maybe we need to spend some more time getting to know each other. Oh, abroad. A broad, preferably in the sunshine with a cocktail in my hand. I was wondering what you'd like to say then. Hot tails. Couchails! Oh my God, I really want to go through your hinge. Oh, it's terrible. Oh dear. Right, guys, well, we've learned that I've got sweaty pits and Carly. It's perfect. Okay, we're going to actually go in. into a hinge profile, okay?

So someone has sent it in and she didn't write any text but she sent us a video. First picture is a selfie in a mirror, full standing. It's quite blurry but I'm sure it's not, I'm sure it's just what the video that she sent.

Yeah, it's hard when it's video. If you can send screenshots in future, it just is a little bit easier. What I might do is download it onto my phone. Okay, so her first problem is Let's get together, choose a time for our first date. I have to be honest, I see these all the time on the apps, and I don't like them. Do you think they're a bit lazy?

Yeah, I don't think they tell you, they don't tell the person anything about yourself at all. So I would definitely change that one. We did go through some really good prompts a couple of weeks ago, so I'd listen back and pick one of the better prompts. Agree? Yes. Depending on maybe what other ones are, but I definitely wouldn't have that as your first prompt. It's just not giving anything away. Don't like it.

Oh, no, what is it? Typical Sunday. Oh, no. My ideal Sunday would involve a pub roast and a glass of rain. No, no, no, no, no, no. We are never putting that girls. No, that is just giving basic bitch, sorry. Like, just, like, her to sheep.

Like, you want to stand out. You want to stand out. Yeah, also, anyone doing a typical Sunday is just, it's... It tells me that person hasn't got anything more exciting about themselves to put, which I'm sure you do. So, do it. Don't do that. Yeah.

I hate it when I see those as problems. Blah, blah, blah, got her details, what she does. Scorpio 2, Queen. Then she's got a selfie with her and her friend, which I think's fine. The lighting's a bit weird. I don't love that photo. I feel like it's quite unclear.

I don't love big group photos personally. I like to keep it very obvious who you are. So I would maybe do another one of you there. I want someone who is funny, positive and knows what they want. I think that's fine. That's fine if you change the other two because from all your prompts, I do not know one thing about you. Yeah.

That's what I think you're lacking. No one knows anything about you at the moment. Okay, another mirror selfie. I actually really like that photo. I think that's a higher up. So do I. I think that maybe could be the first one. Agree.

I would maybe, oh yeah. Oh, this is nice. The way to win me over is having good banter. I think that's fine. Yeah, so do I. That's a really nice picture of you holding the espresso martini. I would probably make the last three photos, your first three. I would put one with the cocktails your first one.

I think you look gorgeous. I like my glasses on so I can't actually see it very well. Yeah. I just think it's clearer who you are. And then I really like the selfie of you. Yeah. So I think it's more your prompts. And I would change the unclear nightclubby photos.

Yeah, I don't love that one. There must be a picture of you in daylight somewhere. I do feel like all of these are inside nighttime picks. Oh no, apart from one. So it would be good to have like another. Do you know what gives you a reason? The sun is out. Go and get a nice outfit on.

Go out with your girls and get one of them to take a photo of you. Agree. And put that on there and change the prompts. And keep us updated. And you know how any dates you get? Because you're pretty. You, you, your photos are lovely. Yeah.

The prompts are, I think, is what is letting you down. I agree. And sometimes I think that people take it personally when then maybe not getting the likes. But I do think the prompts make a difference. I agree. Because it gives someone the reason to start a conversation differently to hi, how are you? Yeah, I agree. With those, there's nothing anyone can say other than.

You just say nothing stands out about you. Yeah. I can't tell you recently how many, like my thing that gets me the most comments, hang on, let me go to my screenshots, because I have taken screenshots of it, is my video of me doing my little miming thing. So I've had like, this is amazing, so creative and sexy, the mind boggles. It's unusual to see such a stunning woman with a funny down-to-earth side these days. So people do like to see you've got a bit of fun about you.

So I would definitely, definitely do those. I did have someone comment on mine. Oh yeah, another one. Hi, Carly, I'm too old for you, but message you because I've watched your clip about five times. It's so funny. I really hope you meet your Mr. Wright and he looks after you. You look like great fun. Take care.

Sigh. And I had another one comment on that one saying, please let me know your ring size. Stop it. Talk about love bobbing. I know. Guys, this one stood out. Unfortunately.

This is called my ex lied about having cancer. Coming all too common, that. Yeah. Like, what is the world coming to? I started talking to my ex maybe a few weeks before my life turned upside down. My mum was sent for a chest x-ray to see she had broken her ribs and not even 24 hours later we got a call that said that she may have lung cancer. My ex told me previously that he had cancer in a lump in his back. Mom had all the tests and it was confirmed terminal lung cancer.

And when this came out, my ex said if his ever came back, he wouldn't put me through that again. Mom was diagnosed end of October and passed away the 22nd of May 2025. He mentioned a few times over tech that if it came back he wouldn't put me through that again. A few weeks after mum's funeral, I flew back to Australia with my brother as he lives there and I spent another four weeks with him and in that time my ex said that he was off work in and out of hospital because the cancer had come back. But coming to the end of the trip, he started ignoring me. And then whilst I was heading back to the airport to fly home, he sent me a text that it was over. Only reason I know the cancer is fake is because he's done it before to the mother of his kids. And then, I'm going to the

mother of his kids and when I pulled him up about it I was then given three different stories as to why he had the snip but turns out it was all lies because he was just a cheating scumbag all whilst my mum's in hospital dying what's wrong with people I mean I I have no words I'm very happy that he's in it's sadistic isn't it someone who's like trying to turn something bad on something in your world that's going wrong trying to turn it back to him I just think unfortunately there are people in life that are genuinely mentally unwell and this is one of them.

This isn't anything but serious mental issues. I made friends with the affair woman to be betrayed again. Oh God. Good morning ladies. I've listened to your podcast after finding you last year and adore it. I wanted to share my story as I'm tired of keeping quiet after being wronged and now accused of awful things. You ladies have given me strength to put it in writing, but please keep me anonymous. I met him in my early 20s through mutual friends.

We knew each other for a while before we got together, so when it happened, it felt exciting and familiar at the same time. The beginning was intense. There were big declarations, lots of attention, lots of future talk. Looking back, I could see what people mean when they talk about love bombing. But it was also confusing. He would say things that made me feel insecure, like telling me he fancied some. someone else and then pull me back in with affection and reassurance.

At the time, I thought it was just part of fun and drama and a new relationship. Then because of a change in his circumstances, he moved in with me very quickly. Not long after that, he proposed. We began trying for a baby because we both said we wanted children and I felt aware that I did not want to wait forever. I fell pregnant and we moved into a home together and I thought we were building the life we had planned. But early in my pregnancy, I had a feeling that something was not right. I looked through his emails and found messages that made me feel sick, conversations about sex parties and things I did not understand at the time.

When I confronted him, the focus immediately became what I had done by looking. He told me that stress had made him look elsewhere, and I was made to feel guilty, dramatic and responsible. I could see now that I should have walked away then, but I was pregnant, scared and already felt deeply tied into a life we had started building together, so I tried to move past it. We had our first child, we got married, and from the outside, we had good jobs, family home, a fairly ordinary life. But behind the scenes, money was always a problem.

No matter how much we earned, we never seemed to get ahead. There were unexplained big purchases, new schemes, promises that something would make us money and constant reassuring that it would all work out. We moved to a bigger home and I tell myself things were getting better. We tried for a second child, it took a time and in between we lost a pregnancy. Eventually we had our second child and the financial stress kept returning. At one point we had to sell our home to deal with debts. I thought that would be the reset we needed. A year after our second child was born, he told me he was in serious debt again.

I had savings so I used them to help. I refinanced a loan in my name and tried to sort everything out. I believed I was helping my husband through a difficult time and I believed that if I work harder, supported him more and kept the family steady, things would finally improve. and then one morning he woke me and told me he had been having an affair he said the other woman's husband

had found out and might contact me and then he left for work nice that's what a morning now go do the school run huh yeah I was left at home with two children trying to process the fact that my life had changed in a few sentences

for years he had told me he had wanted more from our sex life as it was so good when he had sex and when I tried to connect with him I was often rejected I was made to feel unattractive and unwanted. Later, I understood there were reasons for that rejection that had nothing to do with me. I told him the relationship was over and we went to counselling. Somehow the focus shifted onto me.

I was told I was distant, unaffectionate and responsible for the problems between us. I tried again. I worked through things, but over time his effort returned to almost nothing. I carried most of the day-to-day parenting and the emotional load of the family. He would disappear, withdraw or say he needed time. away because of his mental health. I tried to be supportive. I bent over backwards to help him

whilst often receiving very little support myself. He told me that if I wasn't there, I'd see how much he really did. Spoiler alert, life is far easier now without a giant baby man in tow. Years later, I had that same instinct again. Something was wrong. And by then I felt trapped financially and emotionally,

but I started quietly getting myself into a position where I could leave if I needed to. Around a special occasion where very little, effort had been made again, I said to him, something isn't right. I think you're up to no good. He went away and then told me he had found somewhere to stay so that we could have space. He left. He did not call. He did not seem to think about the impact on the children or the fact that I was suddenly managing everything alone. And then in the middle of the bedtime chaos, he called and told me, I had been right. He had been having another affair this time for more

than a year. When he came back, I told him it was over. A few days later, I asked him to leave because I could not bear living in the same house anymore. I kept going. I put on a brave face. I told very few people because I was trying to protect myself, my children and what little stability we had left. And then a friend sent me a message. She had seen something online that mentioned him.

She contacted the woman involved and eventually the woman called me. We spoke for hours. She told me he had said we had been separated for years but living together. He had described me as abusive, controlling and financially abusive. He said I controlled where he had. went, what he did, all the childcare and housework and that I had made his life unbearable. It was surreal. I was hearing a version of my own marriage that I did not recognise. For a while, the other woman and I stayed in contact. We compared what we had been told.

There was evidence that showed me just how much had been hidden for me, but eventually she returned to him and told him what I had said. And from there, everything became harder. I applied for divorce and what followed was not the relief I expected. The relationship had ended, but the control, blame and hostility did not. I began to understand the term post-separation abuse. When I started a new relationship, things became worse. There were cruel messages, accusation and attempts to gather information about my life through the children. I felt as though I was constantly being pushed into defending myself against the story that had been created about me.

Now I'm still dealing with the effects of it. I live with complex PTSD. There are days when I feel exhausted by the constant stress and the need to stay alert, but I am rebuilding. I have a home for myself and my children. I friends, family, professionals and support workers who have helped me find my feet again and I've met someone kind. Someone who supports me, tells me I'm beautiful and has helped me remember that I'm allowed to feel safe, valued and loved. For years, I felt worthless.

I questioned my reality. I thought I was failing at marriage, motherhood and life. And now I know I was surviving something I did not yet have the words for. The hardest part is that I never wanted a war. I only wanted our children to be loved, secure and happy, and I still do. everything I have done has been about trying to create the safety for them. My life did not turn out as planned, but it is becoming mine again. Thank you for all you ladies do.

Please keep me anonymous as we're currently in court over the kids. Do you know what? I think unfortunately it doesn't surprise me when you hear of that sort of like post-separation abuse. I think it happens. It's really common. Far too often. And it's really sad because I think people sometimes think that once you separate you kind of like break free from this person.

Even if kids aren't involved, I think people can really experience it. And for some reason, well, I say for some reason I think it's quite obvious, when you're then also like happy and settled in a new relationship, it's like they get even worse. And it just highlights them as a person, how bitter they are,

how like damage they must be, how unhappy it makes them that you're okay without them. I don't know. I don't even think it's just an ego thing. I think it is a extreme personality disorder, in my opinion. It's that control slipping away from them. I do think to a degree it's an ego thing, like actually being like, wow, like, okay, like she can live her life without me.

And what do you mean? Like, she's not begging for me back. What do you mean she's like actually pulled the plug? Because I think for so many, in so many situations, you know, so often that person gets offered another chance and another chance and another chance. And I think when someone finally closes the door, and they're like enough is enough and they're trying to push it open

but that door's now locked. That's like the biggest shutdown like a man can have or not just a man. I think it works both ways but I think that can be really difficult for them and they want to push and push and push and push and get a reaction like it's really sad because I'd like to think that people can get to a point

where they're like they recognize that one relationship doesn't work and you know we tried everything. We went back a few times. We tried. but the same patterns kept happening. Like, look, we tried, we tried our best for the kids, it didn't work. Like, I respect you enough as the parent of one of my kids.

I, all my kids, I respect you enough as a human being that you deserve to find happiness. And it really makes me sad that to some people, that's not like a thing that they can physically do. I think it's more just having, like, more realistic expectations of these people and what respect they show you in the relationship. you can't expect to be so disrespected when you're together

and then they suddenly had this like influx of respect once you're not together. I agree. I've seen it work other ways where it's the woman that is just like the happier the man, the more angry she gets. And if anything, you've got to just like, feel sorry for them. Like shame that they are so unhappy

that they need to deflect all their anger and unhappiness onto that person. And I'm so glad that you're with someone now that is good. and makes you feel loved because that is exactly what you deserve. So thank you for sharing. Okay, product of the week.

So I've got these really, really cute little, well, would you call them like pouches or like clutches? So for anyone that cannot see, these, first of all are from my friend Tanya. Her Instagram handle is Tanya Lee Boutique. And they are stripy. I've got one green and white. I like the green one.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? one pink and red and I've got a lobster on one, palm tree and the other. She's got, I think, about six different types, different colours, blues, yellows. I just thought they're really cute whether you, like, put your sun cream in it or you use it for like a beat, a little clutch with your swimming costume. So I thought I'd show you these, and I do actually have a code for 10% off. If you use Tash 10, you'll get 10% off. I thought they're also maybe like a bit of a cute little present for someone as well for a summer holiday.

So there's my product of the week. Confession of the week. I'd been on about three dates with this guy when he invited me over to watch a film. About halfway through, I let out what I thought was a silent farce. Oh my God. It wasn't.

It echoed. In a panic, I looked at his dog and said, mate, that's disgusting. I'm dead. The dog was asleep. My date looked at me, looked at the dog, looked back at me and said, you do know he's been snoring for the last 20 minutes.

I mean, you can find your sleep. Yeah, I was going to sleep. I still denied it. We've now been together for a year and he occasionally looks at the dog and apologises for blaming him. I, that is so funny. I don't know what is worse.

If you're on a date and they hear it or they smell it. The whole thing gives me fucking anxiety. Like literally gives me such fucking anxiety. I'm not really a big fatter, actually. I neither. Affirmation of the week. This is actually quite fitting

for what we just spoke about. One of the most freeing parts of healing is finally seeing people clearly, not through potential, not through excuses, not through wishful thinking, just accepting them for who they are consistently showing themselves to be. Love that. Amen. Thank you for listening, guys. If you want more, you can get an extra episode on Patreon. There's loads for you to binge out on. If you haven't got your tour tickets, sort your life out. We'll see you in November and we'll see you next week, guys. Love you. Bye.