Not As We Planned - My Ex is my Guilty Pleasure | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: April 1, 2026

Tash shares her news which is life changing, when you have an affair with your ex and you’re not sure what to do, when going no contact is the only way, and when your boyfriend has been hiding a whole other life for over 2 years! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of Not As We planned. We hope that you are good. We hope the sun is shining. It's shining today. It's just gorgeous. Not that I'm dressed appropriately. But we're not. we are indoors. Guys, just a reminder that we have been nominated for Podcasts of the Year for the National Influencer Awards, which is wild. We're going to put another link in this description. So go vote for us.

Every vote can. It would mean the world to us. Thank you so much. So I've got a good, interesting update that I feel like a lot of people are going to be interested in. So I've officially been diagnosed with ADHD. Woo! Yay!

Whoop, whoop. I got my diagnosis. that was like one of my goals this year and it didn't come as a shock I don't think it's come as a shock to anyone else and I actually have started my medication have you found it so yeah so I've been put on something called concerta I've started on 18 milligrams so you take one tablet in the morning and it's slow release so it's sort of like lost the whole day they start you off on a slow dose and then I've got like a review in four weeks time

to see if I need to up it. I would say that, so for anyone that doesn't know, ADHD medication is like instant. It's not like you need to see how it goes. Like you will literally see if it works for you and how it works for you like half an hour after you take it.

And if you don't like it, you don't like how it makes you feel, you stop and then it's out your system. You get a side effects. Yeah. So I think that's quite good for people to know because sometimes people are a bit worried. You know, you hear like, oh, like, I lost my personality.

Then you just don't, you just don't take it the next day. She was on Ritalin. Oh, really. But I don't really understand, you know, how some are like a stimulant and some are. Yeah, because if a normal person was to take it, it would have the opposite affair. I can't remember what it was, she was definitely on Ritalin for years. Right. So all I know is that my one is a methalfenidate.

Not what I know that is, but it makes me sound like really smart. Really does, yeah. feel like when I take it, my mind is definitely quieter, which is really weird. Like, I feel like when I don't have it, like before I took it, I thought it was really normal to think about a thousand things all in one go. And now I'm only currently thinking about what I'm saying, talking. I can never do that. I'm always thinking.

Like, it's really, it's really weird. and I do feel like I'm a bit more productive. I do think that I will need a higher dose. My house still very much looks like I've got ADHD. I do still like, what I like is that at the moment I still feel very much like I'm still me, but I may be a bit more like, I even thought about it when we've been filming today.

I feel like I'm taking in more of what you're saying rather than thinking about what I'm going to say once you stop. Okay. Like not feeling the need to interrupt because if I don't say it now, I'm going to forget what I'm going to say. I have to say things or I forget. Yeah. Or write it down in my notes and never look at them again. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a journey that I'm excited about. I feel like it's also like made Blake feel quite good, which is really nice. Like I've always said to him like, oh, I think I have ADHD too. And now that I do, we take our tablets together in the morning. It makes you feel like a bit more, I don't want to use the word normal. Yeah, it's not different. Yeah, so I'm very happy that I've now got that diagnosis.

I feel like it's allowed me to sort of like look back and self-reflect on certain things of like what I was maybe like as a child. And I feel a bit sorry for myself of how much I realized I used to have to work extra hard to manage things that other people probably could just do really easily. Do you know what I mean? Like the brainpower it probably took for me to get by and. school day of the amount of masking that I probably did or you know me and my mum have thought of things that I did even how I used to revise for exams it wasn't very normal um what was mine really so I would revise for weeks before but I wasn't actually revising I was just making my notes really pretty and if I made one mistake on a page of notes I'd redo the whole thing again so I

made it look like I was doing the work but actually that was just my way of procrastinating I'd also make posters around my room but never looked for them. That was my way of procrastinating. And then I'd eventually, about a day or two before the exam, have a mental breakdown, cry my eyes out, be hysterical that I didn't know anything. And then under that pressure, I would cram everything in and I would be able to memorize every single word of my notes.

Really? Yeah, so I didn't even actually necessarily know the information. I just knew what word came after the word. So I would learn essays, word for word, about six pages, A4 long, and I wrote out essays. I mean, I did pretty well in my exams. I mean, I've got a two one psychology degree, but I just think to myself, wow, imagine what I could have done had I known, and I could have been on medication and been more focused.

And, but look, it is what it is. And it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't. Once I didn't revise for an exam and then I read the notes on a tape recorder and played it whilst I slept, thinking that I'd know it all in the morning. I can confirm it doesn't want. Cole, take notes I was like, I know what I do. Like you are falling asleep.

Literally, I was like, you wake up and I'm going to know it or? Or like when people like sleep with their notes under their pillow or something. It just doesn't work. I've tried everything. But yeah, no, I'm pleased, I'm happy. I think it also maybe allows me to reflect on even how I maybe show up in certain relationships, even friendships, even friendships, rejection, sensitivity is a big thing for me, being very overthinking.

and I'm probably also anxiously attached. I think that ADHD comes into that with being an overthinker and emotions really getting the better of me and finding it really hard to regulate myself and no contact being very, very difficult, that low dopamine, which I'm already low on. And I don't know, it just makes, I feel like I'm just understanding myself a bit more,

which is refreshing. But yeah, that's me. Anyway, shall we get on with some emails? Big mistake slash problem. Hey ladies, I wanted to ask for your advice because I'm in a real pickle. And I keep questioning, what on earth have I done and why? So I can explain my situation a little better to you. I have one little girl.

I live on my own. I'm now with a new partner of four years and he has a child of his own. We live separately and when he doesn't have his child, he comes over and stays with me and our daughter. He is amazing with her. He treats our relationship with such care and encourages every moment we have together to be the best it can be. I love him dearly and he has made my life shine like I've always imagined it too. My ex-partner lives a long way from us. He travels to see our daughter two to three times a month and he will stay in hotels locally.

We split times around holidays equally. I separated from my ex-partner when our daughter was less than one because he was useless. He didn't help me. He didn't seem to want to know our daughter. And now I look back, he didn't seem like he was. wanted to be involved at all with her upbringing. Since our separation, we have become good friends. We speak every day on FaceTime and I always send him updates and we chat every day on WhatsApp.

But this might be my problem. I think that I do go to him emotionally rather than my new partner. I have asked myself why and I think it's because he is now the person who I first fell for. He now has a partner who he lives with. I have met her once and she is a gorgeous caring mum. They have a daughter of their own now and she has only just arrived in three weeks old. to get to my pickle. Recently, we all went to a gathering with friends.

My daughter, my ex, his new partner and their little girl was there too. My partner wasn't. We were all drinking and in a very good and tipsy mood. There were multiple kids and families at the party and amongst the chaos of drink, kids screaming, I found myself in a quiet place with my ex. We kissed. I know it was wrong, but by this time he had already started to make moves.

I couldn't say no to him. I wanted him. He even said it was bad and that we should stop. But I told him stop being stupid and I made him do what my current partner does to me. We did finish. I returned back to the party. He eventually came later and went straight to his new partner and baby. I felt nothing.

I didn't feel emotion. And seeing him with his new baby and partner, I felt nothing. But I did feel guilt. What should I do now? My partner suspects nothing. But I feel like my ex is my guilty pleasure and I can't get away from that. should I be honest and tell my partner what happened or should I keep quiet and try to fight my urge

please help um what the fart oh my god oh my God I feel like you know what we're going to say well I don't know what I'm going to say what are you going to say

I just think honesty you're going to live with that guilt forever and I just think everyone deserves to be treated with respect and as much as it was a moment of weakness. I feel like that's been building up for a while. Yeah, like the fact that you're talking.

And you WhatsApp all the time. Like, I don't feel like that's healthy. I don't feel like that's normal. I'm just putting myself in the shoes of your current partner. If, and at some point down the line, look, it might come out because that's happened once. If you're continuing with these face times and stuff, I know you say you feel nothing, but you could easily find yourself in a similar situation.

I just feel like you, as a human being, he deserves. to be for someone who completely respects him and doesn't succumb to moments of weakness and can control their urges. And I think it's not even like it's a random person who you know you're never going to see again. Like this person is around for the rest of your child's life. So, or at least until they're 18. I just, I don't know. For me, I'm such a, I'm just all about being honest and treating people the way I would want to be treated. And I just don't, I couldn't live with a, I'm just, I couldn't live with that guilt. It would eat me up alive.

To be honest, I'm just shocked. It's not looking good, is it? It's not great. No. Yeah, look, I guess sometimes when I give advice, I like to put myself in people's shoes, but I can say with 100% fat that I would never be in that situation. So it's quite hard for me to work out what you're thinking right now. but yeah, like you do need to be honest,

but you also need to understand that being honest is probably going to end your relationship, but I guess that's the consequences of your actions. It's not great. Can you keep us updated, though? Please. This is called Trauma Bond. Hi, girls, I don't really know where to start.

My ex and I were together for four years and both had children from previous relationships. He had a son and I have two sons. everything was great we built relationships with each other's children we had a minor blip after about six months when I found out he'd been messaging his director from work but we worked through it and after another two years we moved into our first family home together a year down the road the cracks began to show I found myself with a gut feeling that there was someone else I asked him outright multiple times and he accused me of not trusting him red flag we continued to try making it

work until I eventually said enough was enough. He moved out back to his parents and with one of our three dogs, but within a week he was calling me crying saying he couldn't live with them because they were trying to control his life and told me he was going to sleep in the car. I was strong enough not to allow him to come home, but said he could have a caravan on the drive until he sorted himself a house out. When my children were with their dad, I began caving in and allowing him in the house. It was winter, freezing cold, and I have a heart. We decided that we'd give things another. go, but lived separately once he had found a house. Six months later, he eventually got a house, but it was a 45-minute drive away, and after a

month or two, it just wasn't working. I ended it again, and we agreed to remain friends, as we didn't want to lose each other completely, and we still wanted to have each other's dogs in our lives. Since then, I've seen him on the odd occasion, meeting for a dog walk, and haven't been drawn back in, well, until a week ago. He asked me to look after his dog while he went to cruffs for the day. Of course I agree because I missed our dog. He came to pick him up again on the Sunday evening and we chatted for ages like we used to at the beginning. He went home and since then it feels like every feeling and emotion of my entire relationship with him has come flooding back. I wake up anxious about where he is and what he's doing. I cry myself to sleep. I find myself

checking his socials and finding any excuse to message him. I got myself in a real state last night and sent him a message telling him how I was feeling. Big mistake. I didn't get the response I was longing for. And I'm fairly certain he has moved on with someone new, although he profusely denies it. Girls, how the hell do I get off of this roller coaster and break this trauma bond? I can't go no contact, unfortunately,

because he has health conditions and his hospital letters still get delivered to my house. He had changed it at the hospital, but their system keeps you falling back to my address. I can't go on like this anymore. My children need me at my best. and as best as I try to hide it, they're teenagers and they know something isn't right. My elder 17 has seen me cry so many times before and he really hates my ex for it so I know there's no going back.

I've lost almost a four stone in weight and I should be feeling amazing but the reality is I feel at my lowest in confidence. I'm a shell of the person that I once was and I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been listening to your podcast since the beginning and you really have helped me through the initial breakups. so I'm hopeful that you can work your magic again. Any help or advice, welcome and thank you all for everything you've done for me so far and so many others. Can I quickly say something that stood out to me the most about that whole email? You can't go no contact because some letters are coming to your house. Change the address.

That is a really, really poor excuse. You absolutely can go no contact and that's something that you need to do. Yeah, I agree. Especially if he's moved on and he's with someone else and like, no, you know, you. You need to stop making excuses. There is the advice, and I want you to take it. Change the address. Forward it to his new partner or his caravan elsewhere.

I don't know. But it doesn't need to be your problem because you're not with him anymore and you go no contact. I'm sure you're going to say that for the same. That's why isn't I? Yeah. I haven't said anything else. Yeah.

Keep us updated, please. The man I kept going back to was married the whole time. Surprise, surprise. In 2023, on a random night out at my local bar, I met him. Tall, dark-haired, unmistakably cockney, and in the military. The kind of man you noticed the second he walks in. I remember thinking I couldn't believe my luck. It honestly felt like the universe had dropped someone in front of me

who had been designed exactly for me. From the moment we started talking, it was effortless. The kind of instant connection people talk about but you never really believe happens in real life. We were inseparable that night. One drink turned into hours of talking, laughing, flirting, and one thing led to another. And by the end of the night, I was having what I can only describe as the best sex I'd ever had. Good for you.

The kind that makes you lie there afterwards thinking, well, that's ruined every other man for me. The next morning he left, and I assumed that would probably be the end of it, one of those amazing nights that only happens once. Then my phone buzzed. A message from him saying he'd had a great night. and asking when he could see me again. And just like that, it began. Over the next few weeks, he was away with work, but we were constantly messaging,

voice notes, long late night calls, face times that got increasingly less innocent. We had phone sex, sent photos, and built this intense connection that somehow felt deeper every day, even though we weren't physically together. By the time he came home, the chemistry between us was explosive,

straight back to my bed, if I'm honest. The months that followed felt like something out of a film. Date nights, meals out, weekends together. I was completely swept off my feet. This man made me feel things I genuinely thought only existed in stories. He changed the way I thought love worked. And then about a year later, he was deployed. Contact wasn't as constant as before,

but we still managed to keep our connection alive with the messages, the calls, the sneaky face times when he could get signal. We couldn't get enough of each other. At that point, I thought I knew exactly who he was. What I didn't know was that this man I had fallen completely in love with had been hiding something the entire time, something that would change everything. Before long, I wasn't just someone he was seeing.

I was his girl. I met his friends, his colleagues, nights out in our local pubs, turned into a regular thing, Christmas drinks with the group, dinners, parties. Everywhere we went, people knew exactly who I was. I was. No awkward introductions, no secrecy, just smiles, handshakes and, ah, so you're the famous one. Felt real, solid. Because this scares me. Yeah, like what? And I loved the way he showed me off, the way he'd pull me in close, arm around me, proud to have me there, I felt

protected and chosen. This carried on for another year and by this point we were two years in and I genuinely believed I knew this man inside out. Then came my birthday. He booked us a lodge away together, just the two of us, proper romantic, the kind of quiet place where the world disappears for a few days. That weekend he gave me a gift I still remember vividly. Matching his and hers perfumes. Something personal, something sentimental and it felt symbolic of us, like we were this little unit that belonged together. Of course, being us, the weekend wasn't exactly innocent. Knowing there was always a chance to be deployed again, we joked about ways to keep me company whilst he was away.

one laugh led to another and before we knew it we were ordering one of those clone a willie kits What? I didn't know that was a thing I did Oh clone your willie So is it like clay thing and you put your wheelie in it

And you've got to wait for the clay to slightly hard in a bit And you pull it out And then you pour the silicon in And it makes a dildo Wow Yes we actually did it And to both our amazement it worked ridiculous maybe but at the time it felt like the perfect mix of funny intimate and very us

I remember thinking how lucky I was to have someone I could be that comfortable and playful with and then the inevitable happened he got deployed again this time for six months I was heartbroken but I understood his job I'd been through it before so I did what I'd always done waved him off told him I'd be waiting and counted the days until he came home but this time something felt different the contact slowly faded no message no calls, nothing. Six months of silence. Wow. And then just before Christmas last year, he was suddenly back and just like that, he showed up at my door. I can't even describe the feeling. I'd missed him so much that the moment I saw him standing there again, everything else

disappeared and I was so ready to have my man back. And when we were together, it was exactly the same as before, the chemistry, the sex, the intensity. If anything, it felt even more electric. Dirty texts, photos, the kind of connection where you can't keep your hands if off you other. We slipped straight back into whatever it was we had. But looking back now, that's when things really started to unravel, because whilst I thought I was picking up where we left off, there was a whole other life of his that I still had absolutely no idea about. For a while, I pushed that uneasy feeling to the back of my mind. You know when something feels slightly off, but you can't explain why? That was where I was living. Nothing obvious, nothing concrete, just little things that didn't quite add up. He was affectionate when we were

together, the same as he's always been. The chemistry was still there just as intense as ever, but the consistency that would have before he left, that never really came back. Sometimes he'd disappear for days. Messages that used to come instantly would suddenly take hours, then a day, then two. And every time I asked about it, there was always a reason. Work, training, no signal. Military life isn't exactly nine to five, so for a long time I accepted it and trusted him. After two years, why wouldn't I? And eventually, curiosity turned into something stronger, instinct. There were moments where something inside me would say,

this just doesn't feel quite right. Not loudly, just a quiet voice that wouldn't go away. And one night that voice got the better of me. I wish I could say I discovered it in some dramatic way, a message popping up, someone telling me, some huge explosive confrontation. But the truth is, it was much quieter than that. And somehow that made it worse.

All it took was one small detail, one tiny thing that didn't match the story that I'd been told. So it is something I've never done before. I started looking. At this point, the feeling that something wasn't right had started to grow louder. I confided in a friend and I told her I had this got feeling that I wasn't the only person in his life. I couldn't prove it. I had no real evidence, just instinct and that quiet voice telling me something was off.

So she did what girls tend to do best and she started digging. She spoke to a few people who knew him through work, asking casual questions, piecing little bits of information together, nothing dramatic, just small conversations that slowly started to build a picture. And then she spoke to someone who knew him well, really well, so well in fact that she also knew his wife. His wife. Honestly, I've got a goosebumps all over my body. I remember the moment she told me.

It felt like the air had been sucked out the room. My brain couldn't quite catch up with what I'd just heard. For two and a bit years, I had believed I knew this man. I thought I knew his life, his friends, his world, and there was a whole other life I didn't even know existed. I sat with that information for a few days, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to feel. I was angry, I was heartbroken, I was confused, mostly though. I felt sick.

Sick ever thought I had unknowingly been part of something I never would have chosen to be part of. eventually my friend managed to find her on Instagram It's making me feel funny And as much as every part of me dreaded what I was about to do I knew I couldn't stay silent As much as it terrified me I knew if our positions were reversed I would want someone to tell me

So I sent the message Oh my God Honestly I think that was one of the hardest messages I've ever written My stomach was in knots as I pressed send Because I knew that in that moment I was about to turn someone's world upside down And moments later she replied

she asked for my number and then she asked if she could call me oh my god I was absolutely petrified but I gave it to her because I knew she'd probably have a hundred questions and she deserved answers and when she called I could hear the pain in her voice straight away she sounded broken and I don't blame her

but the overwhelming feeling sitting in my chest wasn't anger it was guilt pure guilt I felt dirty embarrassed cheap for two years I believed I was his girlfriend he's girl the one he tried the one he chose, but the reality was something very different. All along I was just a side piece

of someone else's marriage, just a secret, just the cheap bit on the side. After the call ended real life didn't pause the way it does in films. The school run still had to happen, the days still had to go on. Life doesn't just stop because your heart's been smashed into pieces. And then my phone started bringing

his name over and over again. Miss call after miss call. I first ignored, them for a moment I felt strong like maybe I was finally taking some control back, but eventually weakness got the better of me. And I answered, you're probably wondering what he said. Did he apologize? Did he sound ashamed? Did he even show a hint of remorse for what he'd done? Not even close. Instead, he blamed me. His words were something I'll never forget. Well, you must have known deep down.

I remember sitting there thinking, how? How would I have known? Every single person in your life knew the truth. Yeah, that's a bit that, that's, that's, that, yeah, like meeting everyone and then being like, your friends, your boss, your colleagues, every single one of them knew. Yeah, that's so weird. And yet somehow I was the only one left completely in the dark. When I finally answered his call again, I expected something,

an apology, shock, panic even. And so he was calm, too calm. The first thing he said to me was what I needed to, was that I needed to keep it sweet. His exact words were that I should add a bit of sugar to it. Sugar. As if the truth needed softening,

as if this entire situation was just some messy misunderstanding that could be tidied up if I chose the right word. And then came the line with all her before. Apparently, they had been in a bad place. You know the one, the classic excuse, the one that's meant to make everything feel

a little less awful than it actually is. And what struck me the most wasn't the excuse itself. It was what came after. He told me he was deeply sorry, but in the very same breath he asked me to help him, to protect him, to basically save his own skin.

He told me if I told her everything, there would be no going back for them, as if I somehow, as if somehow that responsibility now belonged to me, as if I was the one causing the damage. I remember sitting there thinking, how had this been twisted so far that I'm suddenly the problem? I've been lied to for years,

yet somehow I was the one being asked to clean up the mess. I've never felt embarrassment like it. The kind that makes your stomach drop, when it hits you that everyone around you knew something you didn't, his friends, his colleagues, people I'd met, people had laughed within pubs, people would look me in the eye and shake my hand, all of them knew, every single one except me. And the worst part of it all wasn't just a betrayal, it was the guilt, because I had still been part of another woman's heartbreak. I played a role in something I never would have agreed to if I'd known the truth, and that realization broke something in me. What makes it even harder to say out loud is that during all this time, there was something else going on my life, something he knew about.

I was pregnant. Oh my God. I feel so unwell. For a moment I thought maybe this was it. Maybe this was the thing that made something real, something permanent, something solid, something that meant the chaos of military life and deployments might finally lead to something lasting.

But I also believed something else. I believed he was married to his job. I believed his career had always come first, that the pressures of his life meant a child would complicate everything for him. So I made a decision that broke me, and I terminated the pregnant. I told myself I was doing it for him, protecting his career, protecting his life, being supported of the man I loved.

I thought I was saving him. But the truth was very different. He wasn't married to his job. He was married, full stop. And suddenly every sacrifice I had ever made over those years that were different, every time I had protected him, every time I had adjusted my life around his. I spent years saving this man, only to find out that in his life I was never what I thought it was. I wasn't his girl, his future I was just the secret, the cheap bit on the side.

So now I wonder, does that make me dirty? Am I tainted by something I never knowingly chose to be part of? Am I supposed to carry the shame for a lie that someone else built? And maybe the question that hurts the most, should I be embarrassed? Embarrassed that for years I walked into rooms full of people who knew the truth about my life, a truth I didn't even know myself.

People who smiled at us, had drinks of us, people who watched me love a man who was never really mine. everyone knew and not one person thought to protect me. Not one person pulled me aside and said you deserve to know. So I'm left trying to figure out where that leaves me. Was I naive? Was I foolish? Or was I just someone who trusted the wrong person?

I'd really love to hear your thoughts on this, honestly, girl to girl. Because right now I'm still trying to figure out where the blame actually belongs. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Again, like I said earlier, I think we, I don't know if it was in this episode, actually, how we just, we're our harshest critic and we put too much blame on ourselves. You've done nothing wrong.

How would you know? This doesn't make you dirty. This doesn't make you weak. This doesn't make you a bad person. But what I think that you need to do is really come to accepting the situation, drawing a line and leaving it in the past. Like this wasn't on you.

Fine, you were involved in something that broke someone's heart. But that, again, isn't on you. That was his behaviour. and I think that you need to maybe like let go of that situation and allow yourself to be okay with the fact that you didn't know don't allow him to manipulate you into thinking that you should have known or did it make you weak or did it make you stupid or whatever you feel like it should make you apparently feel

like that's just wild I mean obviously you haven't said that they're still together or not or... Yeah, I don't feel like you necessarily need all these answers for the questions you're asking. Like, it was a really shit situation. None of it's your fault. Like, especially when you're being introduced to, like, friends and colleagues. Yeah, that's wild.

Why would you doubt that? Why would you? Like, unfortunately, bad stuff sometimes happens to good people and all you can really do from it is learn from it. Look, have your wits about you if and when you ever feel ready to date again. again, but also don't tarnish everyone with the same brush. But I think you need to, I think so often in these situations, we try and search for answers, like, to make ourselves feel better, to justify it, to, you know, even just like,

hear from someone else, like, yeah, it was him in the wrong. Like, we don't need to hear that. You know very well, you've done nothing wrong. You know very well you got plagiared the wall completely pulled over your eyes. You don't need us to sit here and tell you that. I think you need to put it to bed, except it was a chapter of your life. Make sure you really learn as much you can from that situation

and park it where it is. Yeah, definitely. That's wild. Sorry you had to go through that. Terrific. Yeah. Okay. Advice needed.

Porn and sex addict husband. Hi girls. Huge fan of the podcast and have been binge listening recently as you make me feel less alone. I'm looking for some reassurance and advice. My life has completely full. fallen apart. At the end of last year, I discovered that my husband was a porn and sex addict. He had been using porn, webcam chats and had downloaded a dating app over the last three years. We got married

two years ago. I was shattered. I started therapy, so did he, and we started couples therapy. In couples therapy, he shared a lot about the challenges of our marriage. For example, during arguments, I can get very angry. During my individual therapy, I learned that this was behavior developed during my childhood after being abused. I'm working hard on my anger and my interpersonal issues. It's extremely hard. I told my husband that I was willing to stay with him and work through it. Now he is not sure if he wants to stay together because of our prior issues. We decided to do a trial separation and ultimately stopped couple's therapy because of it. But unfortunately we have to live in the same house and he keeps acting normal with me, which is driving me mad because I'm so mentally distressed.

I also recently found out that he's been listening to podcasts on open marriage and dating after divorce, which he denied, even though Spotify shows that he literally completed the full episode. I plan to go away for one week to be completely away from each other and give myself a break. However, on the day that I left, he was acting really strange. He went to see his parents that day and usually he stays over. They live over an hour away. But he decided to come home after his visit at 7pm. I have a ring camera at the house.

On our evening I left, I saw him lead the house again without his car. At 8.30 on Saturday night and came back at 11.30. He doesn't have any friends who live close. The people we know around our area are not hanging out at 10pm at night. We also have an indoor camera that we used to check on our dog. I looked at the camera when he was out to see our dog. And he had turned the camera to face the wall so I couldn't see anything. Given his prior issues, I have reason to believe that he is with a girl and maybe he thought he may bring her home.

I feel like my marriage is over and we are done. I feel so incredibly hurt and broken. Therapy is hard and I'm scared I'll never get over it. I'm scared of the logistics of moving out of our house, starting somewhere new for context I live in the country where I do not have any family close by but he does and trying to heal while feeling like a failure. I'm scared people think it's my fault. I feel like I have a time. of inner work to do to get over this. How long did it take you girls to feel like a functioning person again? And do you ever truly recover? I need some help. Please keep me anonymous. I appreciate you girls so much.

I don't think you can ever put a time frame on how long it takes. I think it depends on what you're doing to heal from something. I think it's very hard to compare your own journey to anyone else's. I think we all process things very differently. like it's definitely something I'm realising at the moment everyone's just very very different in terms of how they process how they heal from things so rather than focusing on like god how long is it going to take me to get back to like feeling better about myself just focus on the things you can control like I would get our journal I would seek therapy if that's something you can afford I would start reading start listening to positive things and just doing this rather than putting the pressure on like I would God, I want to heal. I want to be feeling better. Just take it day by day.

I think if each day you're doing things that make you feel good, make you feel a bit better, make you kind of like take your own accountability for improving your headspace. I think it's very easy when you go through these situations. And I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I think it's important to sit in your feelings and feel everything. But I also think when you go through a bad time, it can be very easy to wallow and to get into,

a pit of despair and of almost like not trying to get out of that really low point and it's about taking ownership and accountability as to how you want to move forward rather than focusing on like when. I think something that I want to maybe address is you are together, you're in a marriage or I can't remember if you're married or not in a relationship and he has done wrong but you're trying to hold it together and I think that there's definitely some like you've already said

you've got stuff that you've that's been brought up by your childhood that you deal with and that you know you were quite angry or whatever allow this to be the opportunity to do that inner work on yourself and learn to love yourself so you don't need to try and stay for someone

that wants to do things that are not right in your relationship he should be the one fighting for you but you're the one fighting for him and I feel like that's telling about how you feel about yourself I think that you should be using this opportunity to really, really do that inner work

for you to eventually be in a relationship that you deserve because he isn't respecting you so yeah I think take that on board and keep us updated and one day I know it feels impossible when you're in it. But one day you will look back and be grateful for what you went through

if you do the work in the correct way because it will propel you to be a better person. And I know that's not what everyone wants to hear when they're in it, but you'll get it one day, I promise you. I agree. Confession of the week. After finding my husband in bed with another woman, my friends came around to bag up all of his belongings.

However, I kept anything me and my family had brought for him over the past 10 years and sold it all unvinted. He rarely purchased anything for himself, So let's just say I made some dollar. Yeah, amen. Amen. I would do the same. Yeah.

What's your Finted account? We can share it. Product of the week. So you've probably seen these all over social media. This is the MediCube Zero Port pads. I have only just started using them. But honestly, like the day off, so I use them in the evening, the day after, my skin is absolutely glowing. Really?

My sister swears by these. Like, I've just heard the most of them. amazing things. Everyone I know, because they're asked for like a genuine opinion, absolutely raving about them. They are amazing. They're reasonable as well. They're reasonable and I bought them. I just haven't started using them yet. But yeah, they are great if you're looking for a new product to add into your skincare routine. I love to do this. Okay. I quite like this one and it's for any other empaths out there. Okay. Slash us.

As empaths we feel things so deeply that are often not ours to be felt. We hold things so close that are not ours to hold. We see the world not just through our eyes, but through our hearts. We feel both the highest highs and the lowest lows and almost everything in between. We hear the unspoken. We feel the energy. We sense feelings in real time. Our hearts beat not only for ourselves, but for those around us.

We are sensitive souls. We love hard and we love. of unconditionally. We absorb the emotions of others and feel their pain as if it's our own, often without even noticing. We make decisions from the heart and most of the time they are deeply considered, sure to not harm anyone in the process. Being an empath is a gift until it consumes you. It's a blessing until it's a curse. When what you are feeling begins to weigh you down, remind yourself that not everything that you are holding is yours to hold. It's okay to set boundaries, it's okay to let it go.

Love that. I agree. Yeah. Thank you guys so much. Keep sending in your emails. Go and head over to YouTube and subscribe. If you want more episodes that you haven't listened to yet, head over to Patreon. And also do not forget to vote for us for the podcast of the year.

Thank you guys. We'll see you next week. Love you. Bye.