Not As We Planned - The Worst Affair Story You've Ever Heard | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

When you realise you’re carrying your whole relationship, when your partner leaves you for someone else, when your baby daddy is mia for a year and then you find out the most shocking news as to why, and stopping the cohabiting with your ex! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi. You're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high and I'm one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys and welcome back to Not As We Planned. We hope you are good.

Should we do a little catch? Sure. How are you? Um Yeah I'm here I'm surviving No trying to

Let's just go off subject I thought I talked about the kids instead today So I actually shared this the other day On my Instagram Because it's actually really bad Okay We've got an email from school They had their

Is it a PSHE lesson What's that sound for Personal social Health education, something like that. Anyway, we got an email and it was an apology that they were doing something in class,

bearing in mind this is year three, okay, seven and eight year olds. And they had like slides up on whatever they're using and it was all about legal ages of different things. So I think they were talking about like, at five legally you have to go to school and all these different things. I think they actually spoke about things like alcohol

because Ivy was telling me how she now knows the age that you can like, legally drink and whatever. I don't even think my kids know what alcohol is. Ivy's eight. She is still quite a bit older than your boys and I feel like she is wiser than her years. Anyway, we then get an email saying

we really want to apologise. A slide came up that shouldn't have been shown and we skipped it very quickly but it was about the legal age of having sex at 16. Some children did see it but we didn't learn anything about it. If you need to talk to anyone about what

you want to say if your kids ask anything, please contact us. So obviously I'm thinking, well, if anyone's going to have fucking seen that, it would have been Ivy. Anyway, didn't say anything when she got home. So I thought, okay, cool. On the way to school in the car in the morning, she goes, Mommy, how old would be you when you started your period? And I was like, like, we talk about period.

We've spoken about periods before. Like, she knows what it is? And Blake's like, what's a period? And like, literally, like, her bluntness, she's like, It's when a woman every month gets blood out of her nun. My kids know what a period is. Fine. I talk,

like, I want them to be aware of stuff. Yeah, yeah. But like, Blake's never asked. I've just never felt the need to do it. Yeah.

Well, I mean, mine have zero, like, boundaries. So, like, they'll come in and they're like, mommy,

why is their blood? And I'm like, this is just, I was like, this will never happen to you because you're boys. So anyway, I'm thinking,

like, fine, that's a fine conversation. And then out of nowhere, she goes, Mommy, what sex? And I was like, so basically, and then in my head I'm thinking, okay, this isn't really appropriate. There is a four-year-old in the car.

So I just said to her, it's how babies are made. But if you want to talk more about it, we can do it another time, not when we're in the car on the way to school. And there's a four-year-old in the car. So now I'm just waiting for this conversation to continue. Although I did, when I was talking about periods, and I was explaining about like, women have ever. Blake out of nowhere, are you disguised as a chicken? It's a fair conversation. Like, if, I can imagine how.

I know, but it was just so hilarious. And then he was like, do you like lay eggs? And like, yeah. So, yeah, it was just quite funny that he, he was like, he thought I was a chicken. But so yeah, I'm really excited to have that conversation with my children about sex. And it's funny because obviously everyone has different, um, ideas of what your children should know at what age and, um, some of the mums we were talking about it in one of our WhatsApp groups

and one of the mums is really like, she just says it. She's like, I've literally explained, the penis goes in the vagina and I'm literally like, no, no, no. That is first of all, absolutely not for Blake. Like, I'm not telling him that yet, not a chance. Because I remember being really young

and like finding out what sex wasn't being repulsed by it. And I remember being like, like someone who had like five siblings. I was like, oh, your mom and dad had sex five times. It was like my mama and dad only did it three times. So I'm not going to go into that much detail, but I've got an idea of what I'm going to say.

So a lot of people are messaging me being like, I need to, because I shared it, a lot of people are like, what did you say to her? What do you say to? So I am going to share what I decide to say. I think I've got an idea in my head. But I don't think Blake is going to ask, so I might just hold off for now.

Yeah, she's a lot wiser. So, yeah, I can't wait to have that conversation explain to my daughter. What sex is. How are you? I'm all right. I'm going to sneeze. Like, it's building. Bless you.

Yeah. I mean, I've not really spoken about quite a lot of things that have been going on, I guess. We've been with your breakup and stuff. I had quite an emotional time over the Christmas holidays. Obviously, like kids is what it is, back and forwards. But, yeah, like my dad's really not been very. very well and it's been really difficult like we are we did have to prepare for our last Christmas with him he's under like hospice care so it's palliative care so when someone has less than

six months of life and it's six months like max and it's it's difficult because I think you begin to grieve before that person is gone because you know it's coming you can see them deteriorating there's obviously certain conversations you have to have have. And I really wanted to get into a place where I felt like I'd had all the conversations that I'd ever want to have with my dad. And it has been a very, very difficult and emotional few weeks. And, you know, he's not a well man. And it just feels really weird to say it. But it's like, we're literally like, it's like waiting. So I know I've got that coming up in the next months or weeks or whatever it is.

So that's been really difficult. The breakup, when no one has done anything wrong. Sorry, I shouldn't laugh. Hey girls. No, this laugh. Oop, I've just felt tears picked my eyes

as I write this email. I think it's hitting me how much comfort support and grounding your podcast has provided me over the last few months. It feels as though I'm writing to friends. No one in my life has gone through a breakup since we were teenagers,

so it's feeling very lonely. I'm not really sure where to start but I suppose I wanted to write him because I wanted to offer a story a little different. Many of your others that sadly involve infidelity or just deadbeat men. Me and my ex were together for 15 years from the age of 17, totally inseparable. The couple that everyone was truly jealous of, we couldn't believe how easy our relationship was year after year. Just easy. We met on our gap yard, chose to go to separate universities but immediately moved into his parents afterwards before quickly getting our own place.

We were married by 23, had our first baby by 26. Everything was perfect, or should I say, it was easy. Around five years ago, I started to realise it wasn't all about easy. I realised how different we were as people. I loved this man. I told my friends how he was the kindest man I'd ever met. You don't ever leave the kindest man you've ever met, do you? especially if like me your family died when you were young.

He really was my everything. Without him, I didn't have family. He was a hands-on dad when I arranged the plans for him. When I asked, whenever we needed to have any form of difficult conversation, it would get shut down or he would cry to avoid it. No emotional maturity whatsoever. When I tell you, in 15 years, he never ever brought up anything. Nothing we could work on, nothing I've done that bothered him.

trust me, I know this sounds like what you dream of, but I can't tell you enough how it isn't. I didn't get to grow with him. My friends made me realise that actually I was carrying the emotional weight of the entire relationship. I made every single plan we'd ever made, and that's no exaggeration. He'd never take me out. I didn't feel seen like he didn't know all the things that make me happy. For example, he'd buy me things in the one colour I actively hate on clothes for my birthday. Doesn't that sound like a small thing? And the engagement ring when I said the one stone I didn't want was a diamond and that's what he chose. Or the lovely silver jewellery when I literally only wear gold. Or what about the gift for my 30th to go up to the

shard? But he never actually booked it and then didn't have the money and well now I'm 33. He honestly didn't breathe without me reminding him. Telling him today was a good day for the gym, booking him in for running races because he said he wanted to go back to running, but never did. Booking him to see his friends, taking his clothes to the sewing shop to get them fixed rather than him walking around with literal boxes hanging out his crotch. Wow, as I write this, I realise he never brought one item of clothing when we were together. I booked the holidays and told him the annual leave. I set all our financial goals.

I decided to buy a house, buy a car, have a baby, get a dog, even down to what film shall we watch tonight? Oh, guess you want me to choose. None of this is enough to leave, right? We have kids together. Nothing is wrong. But I started to dream of the life I could have with someone else. I was only 33. I had literally so many years ahead of me.

We unexpectedly became pregnant with our third baby. And sadly, it was a very rare C-section ectopic. It was honestly devastating because my baby had a heartbeat. But the wrist was so great that me or the baby could suddenly hemorrhage at any moment. We had two babies already who needed their mummy. We didn't really get to choose, but we had to end our pregnancy. Sadly, the recovery wasn't straightforward. I needed eight follow-up scans as there was tissue remaining.

I'm telling you this because I think this is an example of both his emotional maturity and my incredibly low bar for someone showing up for me had become at this point. It makes me sad for my last self to say that he came to none of my appointments. none of those scans. He didn't try. I drove myself for the hour there and back with tear-filled eyes, a body that still thought it was pregnant.

I lay on the bed with those horrid memories staring at the blinking fire alarm on the building. By myself, eight entire times, without even an offer. He did say I could get a Costa on my way back as a treat before taking back over with my daughter. I can't believe at the time I thought this was a sweet gesture. I only realised when talking out with a friend how shocking it was that he didn't even try to come with me.

The waiting room was full of couples. I did make one request, however. I've handled all of this physically. Please, husband, could you chase the hospital for our sweet baby's ashes? So I don't have to go through that too. Do you think he did? I had to remind him on a weekly basis. Eventually, it had been eight weeks and I rang and did the job myself, again, as I always did.

He just got to show up in our life It was my life really As it was The hospital had accidentally destroyed our ashes Again, no response from him I went on an already booked holiday to Monorca Two weeks after my surgery I was still heavily bleeding

His expectations of me were so high Like nothing had happened Why was I sad? Again At a McFly concert A dream I'd had for years But only one month after I lost our loss. The band came on the stage and I unexpectedly felt overwhelmed and cried. I think I couldn't understand how I could feel so much happiness and I immediately was reminded of my hurting heart.

When I tell you, he stared at me in disbelief. He just couldn't understand and didn't support me with even an arm around me. I felt so alone in that stadium of thousands of people and the man who should see me stood right next to me, not doing anything wrong but not doing anything right either. Ultimately, this sounds like what you wish for, a man without an opinion, but I wish for someone who wants to live their life, someone who helps me to grow and I help them grow. Someone who has passions, hobbies, wants to make plans for us and themselves, sets goals. Being the kindest man ever wasn't enough for me anymore. Easy just wasn't enough. I went back to the theatre after 15 years, took a lead role, amateur lulls, I met this incredible group of people.

It changed everything. my first step. And then I found out I had a sister. I built an amazing relationship with her, felt even stronger, the second step. And then I started finding me again. And after that, it was too late. I was staying for the kids.

But I couldn't anymore. I know how selfish that sounds. I broke apart my family for this, but I have to value my happiness too. And I have to believe there is someone out there for me who will bring me so much joy than just nice. And I must admit, I can't wait. I've been separated from my husband, sorry, I've been separate from my husband in my mind for so many years.

I can see my future and I've started to build it. Glow up, here I come. And a friendship with my ex, so, so amicable, I guess because really it already was a friendship for so long. I'm here to tell your listeners, something doesn't have to be really wrong to want more for yourself. It doesn't matter how long it's been. Don't set your bar low. Don't settle. It's okay to feel the fear, but do it anyway.

build a dream life. Sorry for the long one. Can I say something that's really stood out to me in that email? You keep calling him nice, but I don't understand why you think someone that's really nice wouldn't come to those appointments with you. I think that you are romanticising how nice this man is. I would never want someone that doesn't have an opinion.

I think she's calling him nice just because he hasn't cheated. Yeah. Like, are we understanding that like, that's, it's, you're almost sugar-coating and like giving him this like pedestal because he hasn't done what so many men might do that is so wrong. Like not doing wrong doesn't make you really nice. Being really nice is because they do things that are really nice, not because they're not doing the bad things.

And I think that I really hope that you listen back to that and think, oh actually he doesn't sound nice at all. He just wasn't horrible. there is a difference. And I don't, again, you put yourself down saying that you know it's selfish that you needed to put yourself first. No, it's not.

Like, of course you're meant to put yourself first. If you're not number one, if you're not going to look after number one, who is? Like, we should put ourselves first. And us putting ourselves first is in turn helping our children as well. So I think that there's actually some work that you need to do on yourself

to maybe separate the difference between what is, not what is nice, but like what is expected of a person that's just like human nature of like not having an affair and not being a narcissist or not gaslighting you.

Like, what he did was still, I actually think really unkind. A lot of the things that I listen to in that email. I love is neglect. Yeah. And it's like real emotional immaturity. It sounds like you were just a mum to an extra child.

and you just got rid of him as a child. He didn't sound like a man. It didn't sound like he supported you. He actually sounded really wet. It sounded like a wet blanket that had absolutely no backbone or opinion or couldn't do anything for himself. That ain't nice.

That is icky. Yeah, but I hope you feel proud that you were someone that walked away and didn't wait for like something... A big pinnacle. To happen. Because I think that takes an enormous amount of strength And we've always said it's really hard to leave a relationship that isn't terrible.

And that's just like plodding. Yeah, just existing. It's very difficult without that reason, particularly with that feeling that we get about like breaking up a family unit. And it sounds like you've sat in these feelings and kind of gone along with things for a long time. And you've put up with a lot of shit. And I think sometimes we downplay the amount of things we've tolerated over the years. And it's probably not until like now when you start to look back and start to look back

and start to do the work. You're like, oh, wow, like, I actually tolerated so much more than I've actually given myself credit for. And, like, kudos to you for, like, having that strength and being, like, I want more for myself. I want more for my life. I think a lot of people just accept that maybe this is the best it gets. I certainly remember being in my marriage and feeling like,

maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe this is what married life is. Maybe I just need to accept that for now I'm going to exist. And, like, I just think it's. a massive thing that you've managed to walk away from that and you sound so positive like it's devastating when your family splits up it's devastating you know your kids having to adapt to a new way of living and stuff but wow powerful like you were showing your kids like to respect yourself that your happiness matters and I think that's one thing that we'd all love for our children is to

know that like how they feel and their happiness is so important and we don't just exist in life to just serve other people and to keep the peace and to just, you know, there's nothing bad enough. Like, you're fine. Like, you've got a good deal out of this. You just stay. Like, you can want more for yourself without feeling guilty. Yeah, I agree. And it's nice that you can have obviously a good co-parenting relationship because he's not a bad guy.

Yeah. But not being bad doesn't mean that he was really nice. I want you to, I'm intrigued to see how you feel listening back to that email. Okay. This is called probably the worst affair story. Oh dear. Hello. I found your podcast so comforting and I thought I would share my stories. It's pretty shocking.

My husband who I had been with for 13 years started an affair when I fell pregnant via IVF. Our daughter was a stillborn and he continued with the affair. He even had sex with her between the post-mortem and the funeral. Oh, really hell. The woman he had an affair with was 10 years younger and has no remorse. When I found out I sent her the family reflection, I had written for our daughter's funeral asking how she could continue. I saw that she had read it.

My husband's phone lit up, which I had intercepted when he was asleep, and she sent a WhatsApp with a thunder cloud emoji. It was affecting my ability to trust people, as it was such a betrayal. He is a teacher, and she is the mental health support lead. Oh, lull. In the school. Apparently, there was an instant sexual attraction, and I also found out that she had met my son,

who is nonverbal and has Down syndrome, behind my back. Wow. I work supporting women and girls. Apparently my job was a strain on the relationship. He was having sex with me throughout the affair, despite the risks of STIs in the pregnancy. Luckily, I didn't contract anything.

To make matters worse, they agreed they would stop when our daughter was born, so her dying feels like it worked in their favour. I'm still working on my grief three years on whilst they are having a baby together. I am a detective constable for the police. working for women who are victims of rape and sexual violence, so I need to keep my name and their name is private. I thought this was a good one to share. I love hearing the support you give out.

It helps women feel empowered and a part of a wider community. Please let me know if you want to know any more and feel free to share. Oh my God. That's so horrible. Like he literally just like ditched her. Do you know what? I think when people show their true colours, just be grateful we're no longer involved in their life.

I know it doesn't make it any better It doesn't like make the pain less painful But like if someone can do that to the mother of their children Can do that after having a stillborn Like through all of that Like I can only imagine the other things he's capable of Like the only piece you can take is like This man's not miraculous

So you're going to go and treat this baby any better Like it doesn't really mean I mean the woman. But he's having a baby with her. Oh. He's having a baby with a new woman, isn't he? Yeah. But he's not going to treat this new woman better and like, you know, have that respect for his new family.

Yeah, yeah. The same lack of respect he had for his other family, you know? Yeah. I think, look, it is so easy for us to sit there and picture that the person that left us or had an affair is then leading this amazing life. And I do, I think that we almost like, self-harm, don't we? We, like, punish ourselves and, and have this picture that they're, like,

living this amazing life. You, like, concoct this story in your head. Like, I've certainly done it. Of course you do. You think, like, cool, like, you're living this amazing life. Like, you're happy. You go out. And, like, I think you forget, like, on their family days out,

kids are going to be perfect. Like, all the actual realities of life and parenthood and being in a relationship, you think, like, their relationship's perfect. They don't argue. They're happy. But they haven't changed. They haven't changed.

And that's what we've got to hold on to and try and find some sort of comfort in knowing that they weren't good to you so you don't want them. And I know that's sometimes hard to navigate and then digest and actually feel that way. Yeah, that might be a good idea. Get the journal and...

Like really haven't written out about all the negative things about this man because you probably feel the whole book. Thank you. Shock, grief and starting. over. Hi ladies, I'm a solo mum of a soon-to-be seven-year-old autistic boy who is the love of my life and also the main culprit of why my nervous system is so wrecked. Brace yourselves, this is a bit dark and sad. I got pregnant with my son three and a half months into a new relationship. It was a good relationship and seemed to be exactly what I'd always hoped for. Early on,

we talked about our goals and dreams and we were both dating for marriage and having a family. Once I got pregnant, the script flipped. My ex was not happy. He then insisted he was even contemplating ending things before. Complete shock to me. I was 32 and he was nine years older. We both discussed our beliefs on abortion and were both on the same page that we would keep a pregnancy. He came and went the entire pregnancy, couldn't make up his mind. We fought, we went no contact the last six weeks. I wasn't even sure I'd call him when I went into labour. Spoiler alert, I did. He came to the hospital, we tried again, and when our son was two months old, he started flaking again. Ultimately, this pattern, this was the pattern up until January 2025.

We never lived together. I've always had sole custody, but we managed to get on fine and even spent weekends together as a family of three, going on mini getaways and road trips. It was nice, but we both could never make things work fully due to resentment and anger towards each other. He is due to my forcing a child on him. that he then has to support financially, me for being abandoned and on my own. I always kept the door open for him. Never kept our son away. He never had him overnight even once.

Anytime we had an argument, he would not come around for a month or two. And the pattern would repeat. In January 2025, I had had enough. I carry way more than one person should, being a solo working parent with a son on the spectrum. I manage everything. I do everything. I was supposed to help with our son's birthday party. We got into an argument and he didn't show. After that I stopped trying, didn't text or call,

stopped sending updates and photos. I realized I was the one holding their relationship together. If I didn't, he wouldn't. He never called, never texted. In September, after months of my son struggling, my grandfather was diagnosed with late stage ALS. My son was really struggling with being bullied in school and he was having a hard time. I finally sent a text with an update. I was exhausted. I have no help.

My family lives five hours away. I missed having his help on weekends, just the extra adult to talk to and take our son on adventures with and also help with the costs. He never replied. I emailed, nothing. I tried again each month. No word.

And then in late October, he sent me two months worth of child support. Very out of character. He always paid on the first. I texted to see why. No reply. In December I got a very random money transfer from another account of his. I was confused as he had already paid December back in October with the double payment.

Again, I texted. I emailed to find out what was that. No reply. Then on December the 15th I received an email from his brother that he had passed away from aggressive cancer and that it was sudden. Oh my God. Wow. Ever since I've been reeling from shock.

I'm grieving. I'm full of regret and guilt for not reaching out sooner. We didn't know he was sick. Nobody reached out. His mother has my contact information. She used to text me. We didn't get to say goodbye. My son didn't get to say goodbye.

Oh my God. We spent a whole year wondering why he was MIA. The family will not speak to me. I don't even know. I don't even know. the date he passed or what happened. I tried to reach out and was met with respect our privacy. On top of it, I relied on his child support to keep a roof over our heads. He had assets, but I don't even know if there was a will or if he left anything to our son. He's only child.

I spent the entire holiday in tears, unable to eat, barely able to get out of bed but trying to keep going for my son. I have no idea where to go from here. I was grieving the loss of the relationship I had always hoped would eventually happen and now I'm grieve in green. grieving his death. I'm also dealing with anticipatory grief for my grandpa's impending death. It's too much. How does one move on from this? How can I move on? I don't fit into any of the groups. I'm not a widow, but he was someone I loved for eight years and hoped things would work out. He was always there and that was comforting and now he's gone and I have no answers. Thank you for being so wonderful. Sorry this was so long.

Oh my God. It's making for really emotional. Look, I don't, I, I don't even know what to say. Like, I'm, I don't understand why no one reach out to you. And I, I, I, I would actually go and speak. It sounds like you need some kind of counselling or like someone to be able to like, begin to process the grief. Like grief is a very complex process and you're not just grieving the loss of someone. You were already grieving that relationship.

I think you're probably also grieving, like, the lack of correspondence you had or knowledge. And, like, it's not going to make a difference to me saying this, but that's not your guilt to carry. Like, if his family knew. Also, he must have known. He must, that's on him. Like, we can't take responsibility for other.

Like, you didn't do anything wrong. Like, you reached out, you sent the emails, you sent the text. Like, your path is clean. But even if you hadn't, it still wouldn't be on you. No. Like he, I do think you need some help navigating your grief

and that's absolutely okay. I'd even speak to your doctors and see if they could put you like in touch with someone or help support you obviously because finances are hard. I think that would probably be the route. I've gone down. I think you've got some pretty, you know,

incredible circumstances there and I have no doubt that there'll be some kind of support available for you. I think it's incredibly difficult Did you say all family live like five hours away? Yeah, like would you ever consider moving? That's what? Because you've got one child like you're also saying, did you say like he was struggling at school like with bullies and stuff?

I would move. I wonder if you need a fresh start. I would absolutely move closer to family. Like a friend of mine, she's got two girls. She lived in like nearish where I live because of the past, because of the dad. And she was knowing any family. and she moved back home

and it was the best thing that she ever did and I think that you need you need that support around you I think that's something that you should definitely look into and I'm really sorry yeah I can't even imagine yeah like knowing you're gonna pass

and not even like spending that time with your child I just can't even get my head around it I wonder whether that was like he's coping mechanism not that I'm trying to justify his behaviour understand, like maybe he found it easier, knowing he's not going to be here.

Like, you don't know how people are thinking in these situations. Yeah, but it's not on you. No, it's not on you. And I'm just trying to put myself in the situation of, like, knowing you're not going to be here anymore. I'm not justifying his behaviour at all, but like, I want you to release yourself of that guilt because I don't believe it's yours to carry.

I agree. Help me stop cohabiting with my cheating husband. Dear Tash and Carly. I'll buy you a tent. Thank you for everything. you both do to help so many amazing women. I know it must take so much strength for you to deal with your own personal situations

and also give so much to others in need. You are my idols. Oh, don't because I don't. Guys, we've been doing well. Yeah, oh God. Compose. Composing. I'm writing in for some practical advice

as well as some emotional guidance and reassurance. I start with a practical. I'd love to know how you both dealt with going from a, two adult family to one. In terms of the sheer difficulty of logistics, I have a 16 month old and a four-year-old, and I know your children were also very young when you both separated from your ex-husbands. Generally, I'm struggling so much with, number one, bedtime routines. The baby is difficult to get down, and the old one ends up waiting on his own for 30 to 40 minutes. Overnights, the baby wakes one to four times a night and often hard to get back to sleep. I didn't want to create a co-sleeping

habit. Number three, early mornings. They are both the weight between 445 and 6.15 for the day, which is fine, but not if I've also been woken up that many times in the night too. I find that emotionally, I'm less resilient when I'm tired. I get ill more easily and just end up crying and feeling so depressed about the loss of my family unit. I have a demanding job. I work 30 hours a week and can't function if I'm really tired. And then there's the lunchboxes, buying clothes, party gifts, reading and spelling homework, arranging play dates and activities. How on earth do you cope? The baby is so strong-willed and I don't see an end to these multiple night wakes. It is keeping me so stuck and meaning my husband is still living in the home as I cannot face it alone. Which brings me

on to the emotional side. When does this ever become normal? Are you always pining over the family unit? My husband had a three and a half month affair last May, 2025, when the baby, were seven months old. The lies, gaslighting and emotional abandonment were absolutely awful during the time. It makes me feel sick to my stomach thinking of them both. And the fact that my husband was ignoring my calls messages every day as he was so busy at work. I should have added, I should add, of course, that they met through work. Another one. Since I found out, he had blamed me for making him miserable and has not once tried to save our marriage. He said he liked our family times together and would still maintain those. He believed that by doing the family things,

maybe then we could rebuild a foundation, but equally, he's also said he does not know what he wants, can't see us ever working, but somehow I'm the one preventing that of our children. Well, that's because he cheated and has not once tried to repair the damage, so how could I play happy families? The only reason he's not with the affair partner is because she moved abroad and she clearly was not that seriously invested, whereas he told me he wanted a future with her. Anyway, it's been absolutely horrific, and I have had to lean on friends and family daily for support so that I don't blame myself, which I certainly was doing to start with.

I told him all the things I would do differently to mould myself to what he needed, and yet he did not once consider doing the same or even pretend that he wanted to. I'm realising how much more I deserve, and yet I cannot let go of the idea of a family unit. I know it's all still quite raw, but I just worry for the rest of my life, I'll be mourning it and watching my children grow up, not in the secure life I imagine they would have. He is a hands-on dad and he helps a lot overnight, hence why he is still living in the family home. We try and separate our evenings and mornings, but it's still too much time together. I wonder how much this will be impacting my mental health, probably a lot,

but I'm too scared to let go. He has a flat to go to, which is parents own, but because of the babies nightwakes, I simply can't bring myself to tell him to move out. Our four-year-old doesn't know anything other than we don't do outings together anymore. He seems to have accepted this without any questions, but he must surely pick up on the tension and the blueprint for the relationship like this is horrific for him to see for much longer. But when on earth will I have the courage to let him go? Maybe subconsciously, him being there is allowing me to avoid feeling the true grief of this loss. I'm just so scared of it all and do not believe right now that I will find happiness to the other side. And yet he has treated me so awfully that I cannot trust this man again and do not love him anymore.

I should add that since this has all happened, I've been journaling every day going to regular therapy. I've been going for eight years and I consider myself a very self-aware person. And I do realize now that he has been emotionally unavailable our whole eight-year relationship, genuinely. He's an avoidant and I do not believe he's wanting to change. Let's just say he also lied and cheated in various other ways during our whole time together. Honestly, what I buried is incredible to keep my family together. My head is scrambled right now. Hopefully hearing your thoughts might give me some needed perspective. Thank you for everything you do. I should strip it back because I feel like there were quite a lot of questions asked in that email.

So I want to strip it back because my kids were very similar ages to yours. You said 16 months. I think Milo was 16, 17 months. So very similar. In terms of logistics of things like bedtime routine, I used to get Theo in the room with me when I was putting Milo to bed. He'd just stay. He'd help.

I was quite fortunate that when Milo was very young, I did sleep training with him and he was, he's always been a good, like he has always been my good kid at sleeping. Theo on the other hand, I was sick pain and he asked for sleep. And that is where I really struggled at the start. So I used to get Milo down and Theo, oh God, I don't know how long I did it for. He wouldn't be able to sleep without me cuddling him to sleep and sometimes that would take two hours of my night and I couldn't do anything done. It couldn't get anything done. And I ended up not having resentment towards him, but when you are a newly single parent,

adjusting to the routine and doing it on your own and having all this housework. And for me, like, it was trying to get my work done in the evenings and trying to, like, adjust to this new life. And also, like, take that time to process your own emotions. Like, I really needed that time. So I did start not sleep training him, but I started moving further away from the bed

and sitting by the door and stuff like that. I think all these things we worry about in terms of the logistics, they do figure themselves out. Like for me, that now seems like a distant memory. My kids are so regimented. And I saw somewhere the other day that said something like, your kids always feel safest in the home where they have a routine that's predictable.

They know what's to come. Like my kids could literally, like, they know once we've done this, we're doing this. They know once we've done this, we're doing this. Then we go into my lo's room first. And we go into it. They know how it works. nothing's a surprise but that is what you're that's what makes your kids feel safe so I think having a

solid routine that you figure out you can do let me tell you now it's going to feel overwhelming at first but I promise you you just find your groove with it you really do like it's funny because I remember at the time being like fucking hell like how like how is this my life like juggling that all trying to manage your kids while trying to process your own emotions like I can't remember what you said something like, look, you're making it, not you, but the situation is even harder than it needs to be because you're in the same space as each other. And you're not having that space to process and adapt your new life and implement new things because you're there and he's there. And I think you need to sit down and have a conversation. We are no

longer together. We need to come up with a plan for how we're going to move forward because this is working anymore. This doesn't work. This setup doesn't work. It's obviously been a temporary solution and we now need to start moving forwards. I also think that, you know, that you sort of like outlisted like three things

about the more logistical side first, like the bedtime routines, the overnight's in the early mornings. Blake used to wake up between four to eight times a night. Yeah, I used to the same of Theo. And I think it's, like with anything, like not even with just breakups or becoming a single mom with anything. I feel like people always say to someone, oh my God, how do you do it?

Like, I've got one, you've got two. How do you do it? Oh my God, to the person that's got three. I've got two, you've got three. How do you do it? Oh my God, you've got twins. Oh my God, but someone's got triplets. You just, you find the strength, you make it work.

And I'm not saying this is going to happen, but I also feel like kids do feed off of us. And I feel like, who's to say that once you pushed him to leave and you almost feel like your energy changes, who's to say that your kid stops waking up? Like, stranger things have happened. My kids' behaviour changed. Yeah. And I just feel like, look, reading your email resonated with me

because I've got to be honest, like, I understand, why you'd want to hold on to someone staying in the home with you because you don't want to do it on your own. It is scary. They're really young. The early mornings are hard. The constant wake-ups are hard. Sleep deprivation, then affects your mood,

affects your day, affects your work, affects whether you're feeling unwell. But this is all temporary. And I know the days are long, but the years are short. And one day you will look back and be grateful that you took. that leap of he didn't deserve me, he needed to leave, and actually, fucking hell, I'm stronger than I thought, I didn't think I can do it. I cannot tell you the anxiety I still sometimes get when I'm on my own with my children, this isn't the life that I had planned for, but I would

choose this any day over being with a man that doesn't respect me or love me and doesn't deserve to have any part of me. And I feel like letting go of him will allow you to grow. And I think you'll surprise yourself. Yeah. And one thing I've reflected on recently is the amount of peace I feel in my situation. Like, of course, you never think you're going to be a single mum. But I think it was just like, literally probably last week when we got back into the groove

of like routines and stuff and like just, I don't know, my kids are just very aware now. Like, not that I've laid down rules, but like we all help clear up our. after dinner. We all do our part. Like, I let things slip for a bit and I felt like I was with one clearing up and now like we all chipping together and like I was just such, I stood back the other day and just watched them like doing things without me actually asking, Mommy, what can I do now to help you? And I just thought, I am so content with our little family more at peace than I could ever have been with their dad there. And I just think sometimes you'll step back and realize this is what a peaceful home feels like.

I think we put this pressure that it's meant to look this certain way. And I just think... And sometimes two adults in the house doesn't mean happy. No. It doesn't. And that is not success. That is not like how you measure success. Your success is your happiness and your peace that you create.

And only you have the ability to create that by protecting your environment. And, yeah, like kids are absolute sponges. like honestly like just little things they've they've done recently and I just sit back and I think actually like I've done that I've given them you know the initiative to think how can I help my mum and it's not like I'm driving my kids into slave labour like deal I'll be like mommy can I go and spray the kitchen sides I'm like that would be really helpful like that would take the pressure off of money just little things and like your kids will pick up on things and as they get older like let me tell you like every year that passes things get easy.

easier. Like I was thinking, I was talking about this to someone the other day, like when I, I went away with the kids on my own after two months being on my own. I don't know what lunatic I thought I was back then. But every time I've gone away with the kids on my own since then, it's got easier and easier because they get older and older, but also your more and more experience. And it's like that with everything you do. Like even at the start, like going out the house on your own with them days out, like it's all just building things up. And as you get older and as you get used to it, you're going to be amazing. You're going to thrive. So, also, can I just say, I don't know whether you said that you said that you're

You didn't want to make, like, co-sleeping habits because you're not keen on it. But, like, for me, do whatever you need to do in order to get sleep. Agree. Like, if that means co-sleep, they're not going to be in your bed when they're 17. Like, who cares? Also, if you don't like the thought of your elder child being on his own for 30 to 40 minutes, be together, get like a tonies or, like, put a really nice story on your phone that he can listen to, not look at, but listen to, he can wind down,

and then, or you're in his room and you're winding down, you're younger, like, you find your way. I remember, actually, there was a period where, like, Milo wasn't going to sleep straight away, and, like, so I'd be in the pitch black, God, it's, like, funny what you forget. And I'd put Milo in his cot, and I used to lay on, like, this, like, floor cushion next him, and Theo used to come and cuddle on top of me. I don't even remember right now. Honestly, it's actually like, makes me quite emotional thinking about it

and that's just what we used to do. Yeah, you just, you make, you make do with what you can. It was a bit of a game. It was like, we've got to be really quiet because we've got to wait. Yeah, I remember thinking like, how am I meant to bath three children? Like, under the age of four. You just do figure it out. Yeah, you do figure it out.

You find ways of, you know, I remember making sure. And then I was also breastfeeding. So like, you just make things work. And one day you'll look back and be like, I smashed that. It was fucking hard. but I did it. You'll look back and be like, I don't know how I did that. Yeah, but you did.

So you're stronger than you realize. So keep us updated, please. Guys, product of the week, I think I spoke about sort of going on a hair journey in 26. I've been using this product now for three months. So these are the hair and me tablets. You can get, yeah. Yeah.

Take a tablet at night. So I'm not great with holding myself accountable for, doing, actually I am quite good with hair products, but for me, I just feel like the ease of taking a tablet is so much easier. And I went down a bit of a rabbit hole about like hair transformations on TikTok. You know the minute you watch one thing,

your algorithm like, soaks it in. And a lot of people were talking about a particular medication called Minoxidil. And this is pretty much what hair in me is. So you do like a, and you explain what isn't working for you or what you want, whether it's like hair loss or thinning or whatever. And then you get personally prescribed these tablets.

This is my, I mean, I'm shaking it right now. This is an empty tube. I'm on my third tube at the moment. Because I am doing loads of other things. I don't know if this is what is helping my hair. But I just heard so much about this particular medication that I won't stop taking this now. I have seen a difference more so around the front of my hair line. I just feel like it got so thin

around the time that I changed my pill maybe stress, I don't know what, hormonal probably, but I'm just going to keep taking this. It's not cheap, but I feel like, well, I think this subscription is like 30 pound a month. But for me, one pound a day, I don't know, like I really like it.

So I thought I'd share it. This isn't an ad, this is genuine, like three months, months in. I'll let you know how I get on. But yeah, for now, I'm liking this hair and me. Let's do a confession of the week, guys. Keep sending them in. Make me laugh. I need to laugh. Confession of the week. I'm single. Okay, not a confession, but a new ick.

Could work as a new feature, maybe. We submit audits and you debate them, like bare minimum or princess treatment. Cool. Anyway, trying to set a date with someone. and he texts Sunday 1,700 hours like military talk, X said I can't do that.

He said Monday, 1900 hours, bro, it's 7 p.m. That's really funny because my boyfriend does that. Sorry, X. Fuck. Wow, that was horrible. What the fuck.

I think that's because of work. Like he spoke that way in time wise because that's what he does at work. I guess it's the same in military. them. Yeah. Like, I think that would give me the ick.

But I think I get the ick over it. I mean, I just said boyfriend instead of X, so that's an I'm an it. Anyway, you're an I'm in it. It's giving in denial. I do. I have realised like, yeah. That you've got a lot of X. Yeah, but maybe I need to like chill with the icks.

Hold on. I feel like, wasn't there something a while ago that you said something that you said something that gave you the ick? And I was like, I can't remember now. My head scrambled. What is it? I don't remember. I feel like everything gives you the ick.

No, I'm trying to be a lot more open-minded with things. Well, I don't have any icks anymore because I don't have anyone to be icked out. Well, that's a positive. There's a positive. Anyway, guys, we... Affirmation, affirmation. Why do you keep forgetting about the affirmations?

I really need them at the moment. We are no longer choosing based on chemistry alone. We want emotional safety, accountability and alignment. We're choosing relationships that support our health. So I do think this, like we get so many people who write in from a place of anxiety, they've been in that fight or flight mode, they're like waiting for the next thing to happen. Like, when you feel loved and when you feel cared about, you feel safe, your immune system calms down, sorry, your nervous system calms down, you feel at peace. If something is setting that

off, I don't think that relationships bring you peace. And yeah, let's choose the relationships that make our nervous system. feel calm. Amen. Love that. Thank you so much, guys. See you next week. Bye.