Not As We Planned - Turning Pain Into Power | Not As We Planned Podcast

Episode Date: April 15, 2026

When you think you need the concrete evidence but what you know is enough, when the man you thought was perfect turned out to be your biggest lesson, and questioning whether to continue the relationship or end it before you commit for life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey guys. Hi, you're listening to Not As We Planned. So get ready for honest, raw, unfiltered, unhinged story where we share our advice, opinion and talk about all the shit that people avoid discussing. We want to point out we are not qualified professionals, although I feel the high am one. And what we say is the advice we would give to our besties. Hi guys and welcome back to another episode of Not As We Planned. Hope you're all good, hope you're all good, hope you're well, hope the sun is shining when you're listening to this. Like, we're talking right now that in the future. So like, do you think it's sunny? Well, it's sunny today, but it's absolutely Baltic outside.

Yesterday, I could feel my car moving while I was stationary. It was giving very inconsistent men. To be honest. How you doing? I'm shit. I'm actually going through, like, the period of grief, which is predominantly anger. I just feel so angry. I'm ready for a fight today.

Like, not with you. Like, several people are annoying me, and I think normally... Shoot out them. I mean, I'm in the mood too. But I feel like normally I might have responded or reacted in a very different way. And today I'm like ready to just like go in. Like I can't...

It's very interesting. I feel like things like this put a lot into perspective. Like, I feel like my tolerance levels of shit just has got even... I mean, it was always quite low, to be honest. But I don't know. I just really put things in perspective. I'm not wasting. my time on anyone who literally is disrespectful or immature or I'm just twati and are.

You know who you are and you're probably listening. It's true. Subscribe to Patreon. We're slicing you off more there. Probably is. Yeah, we'll get more into person detail there. Honestly, like I've, yeah, I'm really struggling. every day is a struggle at the moment

even like just normal tasks like getting out of bed and like I have like it's really sad and I don't want it to be like why you being me but I have like a complete

lack of enthusiasm for life like I can't really be bothered to do anything to really make any plans I feel really grumpy I I don't know I kind of want to like shut the world away

and just disappear, which is kind of what I'm doing next week. But can I just say you do realize that all of that is probably like so normal. I know. I know. No, I know. And I think what I'm really struggling with this week is not having that person to lean on at home, like a physical someone to just outlet it to. And, you know, I've been juggling the kids this week.

And I've noticed even with them and I hate it. But I feel like my patience is just so not. what it normally is. Then I find myself going to bed feeling guilty that I'm a rubbish mom and that they're going to hate me and all, you know, all the usual stuff that goes through your brain. But next week I am taking myself away, got like a health hotel you're coming to one now, you know, and then I'm going to like this place in the middle of the countryside, like this retreat place completely on my own.

I've never done anything like this. I think that would be really good for you. I feel like I'm just going to cry, scream, whatever it is I fucking need to do. I don't know. I just, like I said, I very much just want to kind of like run away and just get through it. I can't really explain it. But, and I think I struggle to admit to myself or to anyone that I'm struggling. But, yeah, I'm really finding it hard at the moment.

I'm trying to think what is even really going on in my life at the moment. I like it now. What to share, what to much share. Do you think we should give a little announcement about the, or no? Yeah. Shall we? Yeah. We'll do a little exclusive so you get heads up because you might want to go and subscribe to Patreon

because that's where it's all going to be released first. So, guys, we have some exciting news. No, that's downplaying it. We have some madness. We have some mad news, guys. It has been in the pipeline for a while and we can finally say that we have booked our first ever UK tour. Oh yes. I feel like we need like a like sound for that.

Yeah, music. We've booked our tour. Are we letting people know where? Let's let them know the three current places we are. Yeah, because I think at the moment we booked three cities. if we happen to sell out or we feel like there's a lot of demand, we could add more. As it currently stands, we are going to be going to London, Manchester and Edinburgh.

And we are... We're coming to Scotland. Yeah, we're so excited. Was that a good accent? Do you want to hear my glass weed in it? Yeah, go on. I don't have I could do it in my throat. Do you want to go through a walk or maybe a talk?

I think it's quite good. It's like a flat. Yeah, when I'm in Scotland, I'm on my night out. You best believe I'm doing that. So we are so excited. It was really difficult to try and work out where. We realised that we haven't really gone south. So that would probably be what we would add if we would be.

Yeah, like Bristol kind of way. Yeah. It will be in November this year. And if you're in Edinburgh, you're invited on our night out afterwards because it's my birthday weekend. So we are going hard. Yeah. So yeah, keep your eye. out again if you want first dips on tickets i do recommend join in patron they will be released there

first and we have had situations with events where we sold out solely on patreon so don't don't if you if you're going to regret it if you want to get there head over to the link in our bio on instagram or ticot join patreon you also do get an extra bonus episode we had a really really lovely zoom um last week i did it on my own so i completely overshared i had no one holding me accountable for anything that I couldn't talk about. So if you're on that zoo and you're nodding along right now, like we've got some like

good kept secrets from that zoo. Carly doesn't even know that I shared. So should we get on with some emails? Because I think I'm going to keep my stuff to myself for now. Keep oversharing. Yeah. Yeah. Cancer and cheating partner eight times but no proof of sexual contact.

Hi ladies. First of all, I'd like to say I found your podcast before I even contemplated walking away from my relationship and made me see how badly I've been treated and how he has stripped my confidence. I've ordered the journal to help me. I need your advice. I'm really stuck on whether to give my partner of seven years another chance after various messaging and gut feelings without any proof. Seven years ago, we were friends, both friends for a while, but we were both single at the same time and he asked me out. I'd never been attracted to him before, but we got on so well so I gave it a chance.

After the first date, I realised I did like him and things moved quickly. After two months, I met his daughter and built a strong bond with her. Looking back now, that was very quick, but his daughter's mother was also aware of us meeting. Three months into dating, I received a message from another woman, telling me she was pregnant with his child. Oh, God. He denied it, but I advised him to sort of DNA test because I believed he needed to step up if the child was his, as he is a good father to his older daughter. The situation with the pregnant woman became toxic as she hated me,

so I stepped away and told him to handle it. The baby was born and was clearly his, but their relationship was messy, and I encouraged him to have contact whilst keeping myself out of the relationship, but he wouldn't denying the child. We stayed together and I kept pushing for a DNA test. His mum passed away in early March 2020 and then COVID hit, and I moved in with him during lockdown.

Our relationship felt so positive at this point and he was the person I always had dreamt of. Later in 2020, I felt very sick and thought I had a sickness bug as I was being sick every 30 to 60 minutes. But this went on for four days when I finally did a test and found out I was nine weeks pregnant. Oh gosh.

We talked it through and decided to keep the baby. I was genuinely excited to become a mum. Once our daughter was born, we had around six good months. After that, things changed. He started messaging other women. One night someone buzzed off flat around 11pm and when I questioned him, his explanation made no sense.

In summary, he told me it was his friend and he told him he couldn't come in as we were asleep and he then sent a text to himself on I message but made it look as though he had sent it to a friend as he had saved his own number as a contact. Oh my God. Like, what? It's the pre-meditation, like, mm-hmm.

So, what? I checked his work laptop which had WhatsApp logged in and found her name and messaged her, but she insisted they were just friends. I wanted the truth, but without concrete proof, I just felt stuck. Months later, I found a lump that turned out to be breast cancer. I went through a mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiotherapy with a toddler at the age of 29 and no family nearby. I told him all I needed was help caring for our daughter on my worst days, but he took that literally and offered no...

emotional or physical support to me. He never once brought me water or medication. I was not only fighting cancer, but also caring for myself alone. During this time, my gut kept warning me. I checked his connected devices and found new messages to another woman on Twitter and WhatsApp. These women also denied anything and I still had no hard evidence, but it broke me. Chemotherapy wiped me out for days at a time and the guilt of not being able to mother properly made everything harder. This pattern kept repeating.

More women. More lies, but never hard evidence of any cheating. The women would deny anything. He would take annual leave without telling me, pretend to be in the office and kept catching him out. Once I even sat opposite him in Starbucks whilst he texted me pretending

to be in the office. Fuck off. Another time he claimed he was out with friends after work, but I tracked his phone all the way to Kent. We live about two hours away. I drove there, but by the time I found him, he was already heading home. I never quite managed to catch him in a way he could not deny. Last week, he said he was at work again, but something felt off, and his iPad was suddenly gone, and then I remembered he had an old phone from when he upgraded. On that phone, I found a train ticket from Essex to Leeds on a day he told me he was

in the office, along with an annual leave request. I took photos, I said nothing. I also found that he has been paying for another child, but he still has not told me whether a DNA test was ever done or what the outcome was. At this point, I feel completely disrespected and exhausted. I have never had proofy physically cheated, but the lies sneaking around and constant messages to other women have destroyed any trust I have left.

I am so unhappy but scared about how to manage financially on my own. I have no family nearby, so I would still need his help with our daughter to allow me to work, but she has started school this year and is so settled. I also love his older daughter, like my own, and do not want to lose her. I'm stuck between knowing this relationship is unhealthy and worrying about how I will cope alone with minimal support nearby and financially. Even writing this message has helped. Thank you again. Can I say something that stood out just so much to me? The fact that you're feeling the need to get concrete solid evidence that he's physically cheated when quite honestly, the fact that the man didn't care for you while you were going through chemotherapy,

for me, he would be out of that fucking door. Like the disrespect, the lack of care is enough. You don't need the proof. I think you are convincing yourself that because you haven't had proof, it's not quite enough to live. and I really hope you hearing your email shows you that that is not the case. I cannot believe. Like we should not be accepting relationships with these men that cannot show up at our absolute time of need. Like it's wild to me.

You're going through chemotherapy. You're the mother of his child and he can't even bring you a fucking glass of water to take your tablets. He needs to fuck right off. Like it. I'm actually angry that that men are able to get a, away with this type of behaviour because I actually think park the women, the fact that he cannot be there for you at your time of need. Like you, you were better off actually on your own because you're doing it on your own anyway. I know it's scary with the finances, but I just think

life is too short to be spending it with half-ass men that cannot step up when they should be. Yeah, I think so many of us feel like we can't leave unless we've got concrete evidence of infidelity or trust being broken. But there is already trust being broken. I think it's a big representation of your relationship that you're having to try and track him. You're having to try and, you know, figure things out where he is. You caught him out numerous times. He's very clear whether or not you found out whether he's physically cheated or not. It's very, very obvious this man is a compulsive liar and he is deliberately being manipulative, deliberately like premeditated. how he's going to move

like he's moving mad to be honest like he has no respect for you and the fact exactly like Tash said that you had cancer and he couldn't even look after you and be there for you bring you a fucking glass of water it's quite honestly disgusting and I would not want to be associated with a man like that

I would not want a man like that being you know what my child looks up to as being a good man It's being someone to grow old and find someone who's like their dad. Absolutely not. I'd want the polar opposite. I think it's absolutely revolting. And I really hope you listen to that back.

You think like, wow, what am I actually tolerating? For what? For what? He wasn't even there at your lowest point. You need to move on. It is going to be hard. But I'm telling you what, it's going to be a lot harder staying with a man like that and tolerating shit for the rest of your life.

Amen. Okay, this is called My Story. some advice. I found your podcast about six months ago and I've been listening from the very beginning, episode after episode, story after story. Something about the honesty, the rawness, the compassion and made me feel safe enough to finally write down mine. So thank you for giving people like me the place to be heard. In 2008, after seven years of raising my two little girls alone, their father had vanished to the States and never looked back. I met the man I thought was my second chance at life. He was charming, attentive, the kind of man who made you believe you were

finally safe. Within a year we bought a house together. Over night we became a family of seven. It was chaotic, loud, messy and for a while it felt like love. But one night everything cracked. Why don't I, that just gave me goosebumps. Me too, yeah, I've actually got a gooseball. Yeah, my hairs are like

over my arm. A friend of ours, drunk and shaking with guilt, confessed that she had been in a relationship with him when he met me. She says she couldn't carry the secret anymore. I confronted him, he denied it. He looked me straight in eye and lied without flinching. But she then later sent me proof, emails, text messages from the

first year of our relationship. And one of them, one of them shattered something inside of me. The weekend I told him, I loved him, a memory I held so close for years, was a trip that he had originally planned for her. She said no, so he took me instead. Oh my God, that's got like, again, like covered in goosebumps right now. I don't know why. I confronted him again. He still lied. His face only changed when I threw the printed messages at him. Even then, he never admitted anything. He simply promised to cut contact. And because we were a family, because five children were involved, because I wanted to so desperately believe in us, I forgave him. We moved on, or at least I tried to. Four years later, we married. His eldest son moved in with

us full time. Life became heavier. His son struggled. His ex-wife stirred trouble and arguments became a regular part of our home, but I kept going and I kept choosing us. When the older children moved out and my daughter went to university, I thought we were finally entering the calm after the storm. We talked about travelling, reconnecting, enjoying life that we had built. Then his mum became seriously ill. We dropped everything to be by her side. Six weeks later, she died with us there. It was devastating, but we leaned on each other. After the funeral, we went on holiday and had ten beautiful days. I felt close to him again. I thought that we were healing.

I was surprised when a few weeks later he told me he wasn't sure about our future. It was December. I begged him trying counselling to talk, to do something, and he refused. I told him I needed answers before Christmas, a time that I'd always meant so much to me, and he agreed. But something in the house shifted. His office door was always locked. He installed a security camera. His phone never left his hand.

And one night, terrified and desperate, I tried to unlock it, but he had changed the pin. His son and ex-wife joined in, calling me names, telling him to leave me. It became toxic, but he told me he wanted to stay and we had a lovely Christmas. I thought we were turning a corner. Then on the 4th of January, after Sunday lunch with the family, he sat beside me and handed me divorce papers. Oh my God. I was blindsided. I cried, screamed, begged.

He said that we could still live together until things were sorted and that he'd look after me. We continued sharing a bed for weeks because I was still hoping that he'd change his mind Then the solicitor letters arrived I asked him to move into another room And he did, he put a look on the door He would come into my room in the middle of the night for a hug Then expect more and I said no

He ignored me and things turned nasty He controlled all our finances So I had no money to leave After a long fight I finally got enough to move out I still didn't understand why he'd ended our marriage So suddenly He insisted there was no one else. On moving day I packed only my bed, my clothes and my children's belongings. When I walked

into his office to hand over my keys, I heard him on speakerphone. I recognised the woman's voice. She asked if I had gone yet and he said, not yet. She's just packing the last bit of her stuff. I'll call you later. Oh my God. Is it cold in here? Because like, what? I stood there, broken. I knew what this meant. He turned, saw me and his. He turned, saw me and his of remorse he exploded. He grabbed my arm and physically threw me out of the house. I laid on the ground outside sobbing until the removal men held me up. I will never forget that moment. I moved into a small rented house, my sanctuary. My daughter came home from university to support me. Oh, bless her. For weeks I barely left the house. I cried until there were no more tears left.

The legal letters kept coming. He hand delivered them to me to intimidate me. I'd no money, no legal representation and no strength. One night I finally went out for a drink with my best friend. He turned up at the same pub. After she left, he approached me, bought me a drink, complimented me and said, we should only have one because it would be hard to control ourselves. For a split second, I saw the man that I'd loved. Then I remembered everything that he had done. I stood up and walked away. Good girl. Eight months later, after two horrendous court hearings, I had nothing left to give. He had spent thousands on solicitors and a lavish lifestyle while I struggled to buy food. I signed the financial agreement just to end it.

It wasn't fair, but I was broken. Then another twist emerged. His mother's estate turned out to be incredibly substantial. It hadn't gone through probate during the divorce, so it was never taken into account. And that was fine with me. I never cared about the inheritance. I wasn't after anything.

Yet he told the court that I was a named beneficiary, but I've never received a single penny. What hurts isn't the money. It's a realisation that whilst I was struggling, just to hold my life together, his children, who I had raised as my own, and his ex-wife were all focused on protecting their future windfall. I truly believe they saw me as a threat.

And that fear only intensified his cruelty, because even knowing he would soon be sitting on millions, he still took everything he possibly could from me. He manipulated, controlled and extracted every last thing that he could, not out of the need, but out of spite. causing me pain became part of the objective. Meanwhile, he now lives comfortably, with more than enough,

untouched by the damage he caused, while I was left to rebuild my life from nothing. And on top of that, there was a matter of our joint debt of £3,000. I paid my half, his half was written off, which meant that he pocketed his share of the money. My solicitor asked him to put the money back into the pot

to repay the half of the debt that I had covered, and the half that he had quietly kept for himself. He refused. Of course he did. It wasn't about the amount. It was about the principle, the pattern. He walked away with everything, even the scraps, simply because he could. Even after the divorce, he didn't stop.

Poisonous emails, rumours in the village, intimidation. Eventually I moved across the country and applied for a non-malestation order. Now, every time I drive back to see my children, my stomach knots, a place I lived for 30 years, once full of memories, now fills me with dread. But here's the part I'm proud of. I survived. I rebuilt. I became someone stronger, wiser and happier than I ever imagined. And I can finally see how controlling and toxic that life was. And there is a positive ending. I've met someone new. We've been together eight months now and he has given me back something I thought that I'd lost forever.

My spark. I never imagined I'd feel this much love. Not after everything that I'd been through, but I do. My life is full in a way I didn't think was possible. My question. There's one last loose end, that £1,500 he kept, the half of the debt he was supposed to pay, the money he pocketed without consequence. Part of me wants to fight for it because it feels unjust that he just gets away with everything again. Another part of me wonders if it's worth the emotional cost. After everything he put me through, after the unfairness of the legal system, after the years of control and manipulation, do I fight the last battle or do I finally walk away? I want to just answer that one question before we get into the whole email, but do not bother. It's not worth your mental health.

Trust me as someone who like, yeah, protect your mental health at all costs. Yeah. It's not even, do you know what, if there's a bit more money, I might say otherwise because I do think there comes a point in your life where you do have to just stand up for yourself. I think divorces can get very messy. and I think sometimes, like, one thing I've been doing throughout my divorce is like, is this worth my mental health? Is this worth my mental health? But I do think sometimes you do hit a point where you're like, I'm actually fed up.

I'm going to stand up for myself. I'm fed up of always trying to just, you know, have an easy life. Sometimes you've actually got to stand up for yourself. But I think for the sake of what it is, I wouldn't bother. If it was like 10 grand, I would say absolutely go, like, bloody do it, please. but for the amount of money it is you're going to end up spending more on legal fees and stuff it's just not worth it.

It really isn't worth it. I understand. Especially if you're happy as well and I just think like draw that line like let him like literally that is. I also think you coming for it is also going to give him some kind of satisfaction that he's got to you like just be unbothered by the man

because he's just a twat. Like I reading that I don't know why it really like I feel like my body reacted to your email. I don't get that a lot when I read emails, but what you went through, and I will never understand, although I don't want to understand it, how people can turn so much and treat someone that they once loved in that way when they were the ones that did the wrong. And I just think you need to

eventually come away from that detach and pity someone like that. To have that much anger and hate in your body must be really, really difficult. It's just, I can't fathom being that type of person and you've got to pity them. You need to turn that anger and hate into pity because like, bless them to be that unhappy in their life that they need to put others down to lift themselves up. That's a them problem. You're happy now. You've got an amazing life.

you you it's really frustrating when the person that does wrong looks like they've come away from it like untouched unbothered like nothing's changed for them they're living the life of riley and you've gone through so much and i know it in the moment it must have been horrendous but i think i can speak for both carly and i looking back on what we've been through i am grateful for it yes of course I would have rather have just had the met the man and my dreams got married and lived happily ever after. But the person that I am now,

I can truly stand here and be so proud of who I am, what I've accomplished, what I've made of myself from all the crap that I've gone through and I wouldn't be who I am now without it. And I feel like that's what our podcast is about. It's really turning that pain into power

and looking at what you can make from a shit situation and you have done just that and you should be fucking proud of yourself. Yeah, I do think sometimes we have to be completely broken down and hit our lowest points in life where you think, how am I going to get through this? How am I going to become a single mum on one income, struggling to make ends me and watching someone else? I think that's one of the most frustrating things is, and look, I don't want to be. to be sexist, but very often a mother will have the children more or have more of the responsibility

or, you know, have given up working full-time or whatever it might be. And often the man can just go back to literally live in his best life, unscathed, untouched, like, you know, living very, very financially easily whilst they watch you suffer. And some people take pleasure in having that control and manipulation over people. And I will never understand that. But what a powerful thing it is to be someone who can hit rock bottom and know that the only way is up and know that everything you now come to achieving your life is because of your determination, because of your resilience, because of you working on yourself and not giving up when things get hard. And I promise you those things, I think you look back and you appreciate the little things a lot more.

You appreciate what you do have. You appreciate the life you're creating for yourself and for your children so much more than what it was before. And don't get me wrong, I still have days, like particularly this morning. I actually made a video on it this morning where I don't know if it's coupled with like the grief I'm going through, but I sat there this morning feeling really angry and it's not very often I do this, but angry about this was. the life I chose to have. This wasn't the life I committed to and I got married and had kids. And I think I think it's because we're kind of like approaching school holidays and I know I only have my kids for one week of that and very limited about what I can do in that. And like

even for we're planning to the holidays, like I have them a week at a time and there's no wiggle room. And if I can pick my kids up an evening earlier for an earlier flight. And it's just I feel all these restraints and stuff. And we can even sit and wind ourselves up. and be angry about these things, all we accept. Do you know what? Yeah, it is shit. And actually my feelings are fucking valid.

But these are the cards I've been dealt and it's up to me to make the best of the situation that I have. And that's exactly what you've done. And it's so nice to hear that you're happy now. I feel like I need a bit of hope with that because I feel like, I don't know, sometimes stories like this. I think particularly the ones where it's like

you really thought this was your person after like a terrible marriage. And then that person lets you down. That's like my biggest fear in. life is me now going on to invest my time with someone for that to happen and like having my kids involved. That's like my worst nightmare. So I do really, I think you're amazing that you've got through this and I hope you've helped some of our other listeners. Thank you. Relationship dilemma. Hi girls. I absolutely love the podcast and I really need some advice because my head is completely all over the place. Sorry in advance for the long message. I'm 28 and I've been

on my boyfriend for just over 10 years. since we've a teenagers. He's genuinely a good person and he loves me a lot, which is what makes this so confusing and painful. We live together, he's really close to my family and everyone assumes we'll get married at some point. The problem is that over the years, the dynamic of our relationship has slowly become really unbalanced and I feel like I carry most of the mental load of our life. I organise basically everything. Bills, finances, planning holidays, buying gifts for family, life admin, even things like his car insurance. I also do all the housework. When we moved to house three times, I was the one packing everything, organising the move,

sorting utilities, etc. It's got to the point where if I don't do something, it just doesn't get done and it makes me feel like more of a parent than a partner sometimes. I have in the past told him he's changed for a while and then gone back to how he was. I'm at the point where I'm too exhausted to tell him now. He also does things that he knows hurts me because I've told him before. Another big issue is intimacy. We barely have sex anymore. We've had sex maybe four times since we moved into our current house in summer 2024. Oh wow. I still want that connection but he just never seems interested and when we do try it often feels awkward. He still masturbates nearly every day and I know he looks at porn slash Reddit images as I've seen it on his

This is often when I'm next to him in bed too. What the fuck? Sorry, that's really fucking weird. Can you imagine just lying in bed with your partner and he's having a whack? That's fucking weird. Scrolling on porn, I'm right here. I wouldn't know. It started to make me feel quite unwanted and I know deep down that sexual connection is something I do need in a relationship. Absolutely. We have both put on weight over the years and when I've asked why he doesn't want sex, he says he's too tired or doesn't feel good about himself. But I still want it and he says he's still attracted to me. don't really ask anymore. I sometimes try to hint at it, but not really very often as I get turned down. What makes this harder is that he's not a bad partner in other ways. He's loyal, compliments me every day, is supportive of my career, adores my family, acts as a big brother to my sister and is genuinely proud of me. We still have lovely moments together and I do love him a lot. He would do anything for me if I asked him. But last year something happened that made me start questioning everything. I met someone through work at a conference and I had this really strong

feeling of being seen and interested in someone again. Nothing actually happened and he's married, but the way we talked made me realise how much I miss that kind of curiosity and engagement in my own relationship. Since then I started questioning whether I'm actually happy or whether I've just been used to the relationship because it's been my whole adult life. I still think about him all the time, which makes me question the relationship even more. I feel awful even thinking about breaking up because he's a good person and he loves me and I always imagined would get married and have kids. But I keep having this feeling that something isn't right anymore, and I'm scared of ignoring

it and waking up years later full of regret. I've even questioned if I want to get married or have kids anymore. He's definitely coming up to proposing to me, which is something I've dreamed of for so long and now I feel scared. Part of me thinks this is just what relationships are like and I should work harder at it but another part of me feels like something inside me has shifted and I can't ignore it anymore.

I think deep down I know I'm going to end the relationship but it feels like I'm about to blow up the life I've had for the past decade and hurt someone I still care about deeply. My question is how do you know the difference between a long-term relationship going through a rough patch that can be fixed and a relationship that has just run its course even though you still love the person? Also, will I ever find someone else better?

I honestly feel like either decision will break my heart. I don't think you realize how normal your email probably is. I can only begin to imagine how many people just heard that story and they're like, oh my God, same. I think that is such a typical normal situation to be in. And I reckon so many people make the mistake of staying, getting married and then But just because what you said at the end, like you're worried that you won't ever meet anyone else. You're not meant to stay with someone

because you're worried of being on your own. That's not why we're meant to be with someone. You're meant to be with someone because you're happy. That is not how relationships should be. I feel like we almost convince ourselves that like relationships end up like that after you've been with each other for so long. You don't even have kids yet and you're like that. Kids will make it harder.

If you are not in a solid foundation before children, it's only going to get worse. I feel like for me, if I were in your shoes, I would be sitting down and having a serious, serious firm conversation with him and laying all your cars out on the table before you make a decision because you don't want to walk away with any what-ifs, but also don't just stay out of fear or comfort. because, God, if I could tell my younger self,

obviously I don't have any regrets because I wouldn't then have my children. Let's park children for a minute. If I knew what I know now, I would never have married my husband, ex-husband. Sorry, like, if that's harsh, but I just feel like you're young,

you've got your whole life ahead of you, you're not tied to this man. You are at a crossroad right now that is going to determine the rest of your life. You need to sit down, and have a serious chat with him about how you feel what is lacking in this relationship,

what you need from it, if he can change and you need to see if he can be consistent with those changes or you need to walk away because it is only going to get harder once the dynamic changes with children. And I also feel like you said in there about

obviously speaking to someone and getting that attention and being like, oh, like this is what. why I can understand why affairs happen. I'm not condoning it. I don't think it should happen. But it is that so,

I could paint a picture so easily about how an affair happens. And it is that, isn't it? Like, one of you gets the attention that you're not getting at home. And then you think, oh, like, I'm not going to let it go too far, but I'll entertain it because it's a nice feeling. And then before you know it,

the feelings start happening and then you're fucked. You're kidding, yeah. Yeah, you, that is. what you want to avoid, but it's, it's okay for you to make him aware that you had that feeling to show him and explain to him in the right way that you know that that's not okay and you need more from him. And he may need more from you, but without communicating, if you can't communicate now, then the relationship is dead anyway, I believe. I think it's really common in relationships that start very young to confuse habits with happiness.

And that's something I certainly am guilty of. I think a habit of knowing your routine, you do this, you do this. And it's very hard to break that and want to learn anything different. But I do also think from looking back at my experience, you know, we met in our early 20s, we went from dating to being engaged, to getting married, to having kids. you just kind of go with the flow without actually sitting down, reflecting and questioning, am I being fulfilled? What is important to me? What are my values? What do I need from life? Because you don't know those things. What I believe this relationship is going to teach and I don't

need to look back and be like, I blew up 10 years of our relationship for nothing. This is going to be pinnacle to you in your growth and development for future relationships because I genuinely feel like my marriage that, again, the relationship was 10 years, has taught me so much and given me so much emotional awareness about things I had no clue about before I went into my marriage, you're going to be able to look back and it won't be too out of it that you'll look back and be like, wow, like we really weren't aligned on these things. Like, how did we ever think it was going to work? So I don't want you to ever look back and think it was a waste of time because I do think

there's so much value in every failed relationship, every heartbreak, every, you know, whatever it is, but we need to make sure we're continuously learning from these things. And I think, I think one of the bravest things you can do right now is to walk away because you need to recognise that you deserve a life that's happy and not just cool, like okay, like mediocre. And that's one thing I wish I could tell my younger self again, same as Tash, I don't have regrets because of my boys. But I was never, we were never aligned, like looking back at the people we were, we were never aligned. We had such different priorities in life, such different values in life. But you're not taught those things in school.

You have to go through your own experiences to understand them and learn what they are. And I believe this is one of your experiences. Yeah, one thing I actually want to add to that, I think when I was younger, I was such a hopeless romantic and I was so caught up in just like wanting to get engaged, wanting to get married and have children. It's like what we're almost like conditioned to believe. You're in a long-term relationship. You move out. You get your property.

you get your engagement ring, you have your wedding and you get your kids and you live happily ever after. And I didn't have that emotional maturity to ever reflect on my relationship and think, are we aligned? Do we have the same values? All I honestly wanted was to get married.

And I remember like we had been together for so long and I just like, I wanted the ring. I wanted the happily ever after. I didn't have that awareness at all about what I was actually going into. But I think sometimes you have to go through something heartbreaking. to get that emotional awareness.

Like what would have it ever pushed me to do the work to reflect? Nothing because if you're just, that's what I mean. I feel like this is her moment. I do feel like nowadays there are so much more out there to educate us in relationships and growth and all these things. And don't get me wrong, there are some things online that are just like not good to listen to. But I feel like we didn't have that growing up.

And, you know, I started dating my ex-husband when I was 16. And I just loved fairy tale. That's all I cared about. Like, we met when we were four. We came back together when we were older. And I just wanted to prove that like our love was enough that it would conquer all. And I just think that people now, at the age that you're at when you're still young and you don't have children, you have a lot more resources. and knowledge to be able to make sure that you don't go and make the mistakes that I guess

we have made. Rightly, I would want them to happen now because I've got my children. But when you're in your situation and you don't have children yet, what you're about to do and what you decide is going to determine what, you know, the next 20 years looks like. So make the decision wisely. And if you need to, from listening to this email again, give us an up. Have the chat, see how it goes. And please keep us updated.

Confession of the week. Not sure if this is considered a confession, but I'm cracking up. So maybe it will get your listeners giggling along too. So I just woke up from the funniest, wildest dream. I was on a girly night out but tired and needed to get home. I spotted a pink cab with red hearts and notice it was a female driver, so hopped on in. My drivers were only Carly and Tash. Carly had a hot pink wig on

and Tash was rocking a red afro. The entire cab journey from London back to Essex was basically my own personal podcast with loads of giggles and at the end I recited the introduction to the we are not qualified professionals although I feel like I am one. Now I'm just manifesting this actually happens on my next night hour because who doesn't love

a late night therapy session, I've woken up healed. Right, me and Tash needs to go and get a cab. I don't want to wear a red afro. though, okay? Quite happy in my pink one. That's so funny. Right, should you do product of the week? What have you got for us, Carly?

I think I'm converted by this brand. So it's MediCube. It's another MediCube product, guys, but I should need to keep it real what I'm loving. I'm a cimmerum girl. I'm a proper serum girl, and I've found a new serum that I love. I don't know what magic is in this, but it gives you such an incredible glow. And it's a really nice text.

Let me show you. So if you're on the camera, It's like this gorgeous pink, slightly different to like a normal serum. And it is just absolutely stunning. So it's the MediCube, I thought it said porn, but it doesn't. It's the MediCube PDRN pink peptide serum. I've started using the pads. Oh, they're amazing, aren't they?

One thing that I would say, and I think I understand that it can sometimes be a coincidence. I've used them only for a few days. And straight away, I've got a spot on my chin and a few spots here. But also, you know what it's like? It could be time of the month. It could be stressed. So I'm just riding it out because sometimes I do feel like when you're using new product. But also new products take a while.

You can sometimes. So I want to give it like a few weeks. What's it called? It's called purge. Your skin has a purge. I'd appreciate it if it didn't purge. I've got to be honest. Are you using lots of different new products?

No, I don't do scary films. No, no, no. But like, no. Have you used other new products at the same time? My moisturiser is fairly new, but I don't think new enough that all of a sudden it's going to be the moisturiser. So I'm going to carry on. I like them.

I also slept in one of their face masks. Oh, really? Unreal. I've used them face masks before. A pink one. Yeah. Like it. Yeah, it's really nice.

Yeah. And it actually stayed on my face all night. Love that. And then Theo got really excited when I peeled it off in the morning. He said, this is the weirdest thing. I've had the seen. It was shedding. Yeah.

Affirmation of the week. You can never be too much or not enough for the people in this life who are right for you. You can't be too quiet or too loud You can't be too weird or offbeat You can't be too nice or too vulnerable Or too awkward When someone is meant to stay in your life You don't have to lie awake at night

dissecting every moment wondering if you should have said this Or shouldn't have said that You don't have to worry that you've chased them away Because you were clumsy and imperfect and wholeheartedly yourself Because the people who are right for you aren't going to judge you

By how perfectly presented and polished you are They'll get you, they'll see you, and they'll choose you. So if you're worried about driving someone away because you opened up too quickly or didn't open up quickly enough, because you were too straightforward or too reserved, because you are unequivocally you, don't. If someone is meant to remain in your life, then all you need to be is everything you are. That's the beauty of authenticity. It allows everything that's not meant for you to fall away.

And what's genuine and real and true? what's right for you will stay. Love that. I literally love that. I've really felt that. I always swear by. You can't say the wrong thing to the right person. They're always, yeah. Oh, great. Thank you so much, guys. We will see you again next week.

Love you, bye.